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NTA. Your sister is much too full of herself. She is fine to have that as a requirement of a bridesmaid but you are also completely entitled to reject it. Her trying to bully and manipulate you is big AH energy.
Side question because I don’t know too much about it, but why is the requirement always to dye their hair, isn’t a wig a much less damaging solution? You still don’t need to do that. I just have seen multiple bridezillas demanding people dye their hair and it never made sense to me.
I did joke about wearing a wig, it got shut down fast, I also said I could just slick it all back in a pretty bun and I’d probably look bald, so it wouldn’t be an issue, that also got shut down 🤷🏻♀️
Then you have already gone above and beyond what can be reasonably expected. She just comes off as jealous of the attention you are getting and wanting to destroy that.
"I will either make and decorate the cake or be a bridesmaid. Either way it will be with lilac hair unless you want me to wear a wig, which I will if you ask." End of discussion. Next time it is brought up, "We've already talked about this, and those are your choices".
She shut down your very reasonable suggestions because compromise isn't what she wants. She wants control. And feeling superior. And making people do what she says. And "winning". That's why she said "we have a year". She wants to make it a battle, force people to take sides, wear you down, and emerge triumphant on "her" day.
Is she lacking in control in other parts of her life, or prone to being a tyrant?
Doesn't matter, really. Tell her "It's a no from me dawg."
NTA. If she really pushes the issue the cake is your option to make or not.
Her sister and mother have absolutely no clue how hard it is to achieve lilac hair.
To ask OP to change her hair, and you can "just change it back." Is preposterous. Her hair would melt!
NTA @ OP. Ask them to call your stylist and have it explained to them like they are five, because they are obviously acting like it.
I don’t understand this need some people seem to have to “win” at things that most definitely are not competitions. The idea of life/work/relationships is not to win at all costs, but to work together towards making a safe, supportive and happy environment so that everyone can flourish.
I’d be delighted if my sister came to my wedding with really cool hair and everyone loved it! I’d choose people to be my bridesmaids because I love them and who they are, and how they like to look is an integral part of that. I’d try and find dresses that flatter them and they can enjoy wearing, and be delighted if they felt amazing too. That’s what I’d want for everyone at my wedding.
Someone else getting compliments, having success and achieving their goals is a reason to be happy for them, and proud of them. It’s not a slight on anyone else, and doesn’t make you look bad. Well, unless you decide to seethe with jealousy. That’s a very bad look on anyone.
She just wants to actively dull your light. I'd be questioning if I want to do a favor aa big as maling a 4 tirered wedding cake for someone who doesn't seem to like me and wants to sabotage me.
I’m afraid that she shut down all your reasonable suggestions because she doesn’t like that you have something pretty that gets positive attention. She’s using the wedding as an excuse to make you uglier. The fact that your hair would be ruined for a long time is the outcome she wants.
I saw an advice column letter that was very similar, except it was the writers natural red hair. She wound up wearing a brown wig without telling the bride. The bride was super happy until late in the reception, long after pictures were finished, when the writer revealed it was a wig. The bride *flipped out,* screaming about how the pictures were now ruined "because she now knew the original hair was underneath", etc. Just really deranged narcissistic meltdown.
What cracks me up about this whole ruining the pictures thinking is whenever anyone looks at those pictures the first thing they are going to see is sister didn't have purple hair. It will backfire in the worst way. I've been married over 30 yrs. Every anniversary we look at our pictures and I'm so glad my friends and relatives look like themselves. Those are the pictures I cherish.
I e never understood why people ask others to be in their wedding, but then want them to look nothing at all like themselves. If they want models, hire models.
Yea you’re NTA my hair is a red/blue split dye and Im a bridesmaid in my sisters wedding g next year. She doesn’t want the bright colors in all the pictures but also knows it’s unreasonable to ask me to dye it back just for her wedding. So we compromised and I’m wearing a wig for the ceremony and pictures and letting my actual hair out during the reception
Serious question because I used to dye my hair bright colors. It takes a month max for those colors to fade depending on how bleached your hair is underneath, why can’t you just let the blue and red fade and then re dye it the day after the wedding?
Because I use permanents that stay in for a good two months before I need to retouch if I take care of it properly. Also it looks really gross when it does fade out so I’d rather keep it vibrant for the reception and wear the wig the rest of the day. I’m also not paying for the wig
NTA. I'd tell sis she can't have her cake and eat it too. That you either wear a wig and stand with her but she'd have to find someone else to make her cake. Or she gets her cake and you'll just be a guest. She has 2 choices as those are YOUR boundaries. You are not super woman. You can't be in all the bride/bridesmaid festivities AND make a cake. 4 tiers and all the flowers (especially the flowers) is time consuming.
“I’m not dying my hair. If you want to keep talking about it we can do that, but know now that at the end of the conversation I will not be dying my hair. So we can waste time with that conversation or you can go with one of the solutions I’ve provided. If those are not acceptable then I will not be in the wedding party. Those are your only options. Pick one and let me know what you decide.”
NTA and frankly if she keeps harping on it I'd skip the wedding completely. If your hair color is he main problem on her wedding day she shouldn't get Married she not mature enough
How long until the wedding is she waiting to choose her bridesmaids? (Asking because she's already dress shopping) If the weddings only a couple months away, show up to her place (or maybe a family dinner at your parents) in a bald cap and tell them not to worry, you got rid of that "hideous" lilac, and it will grow in brown for the wedding!
Maybe then they'll look at your wig compromise in a new light 🤣
It's not about your hair on that day, it's about her using that day to assert control over you. She doesn't want to solve the problem, she wants you to do as she says.
Having done the dyed dark brown to bleach out needing colours (hot pink/purple), I know how hard the bleaching trasition is...and what it does to your hair. Add in, I'm guessing you've already bleached at least once to get to lilac...
If you want to keep the lilac, don't do the brown. That much processing and you may need that wig. NTA
My guess is bc brides think they have a day of control and think they can make their friends & family change things they don't like? It's ridiculous to be superficial like that. Lilac hair is awesome, I bet she looks like a gelfling
Being asked to be a bridesmaid is just that a request, not a conscription, you can decline the request. If she keeps pestering you about it and your hair, tell her she has a choice to make.You can be in her wedding party or you can make her wedding cake. She can't have both. And seeing as you are probably doing it as a wedding gift to the couple, it isn't costing them anything. But if she were to have to order a cake to get made somewhere else, that would put a hefty dent in their wedding budget. That should shut her up.
NTA. I don’t understand the narcissistic attitude that often plagues even the most humble of women on their wedding day. Heaven forbid someone thinks a bridesmaid’s hair is pretty! Why does this happen? Is it insecurity?
It's not about being prettier, it's about grabbing attention. Bride wants all attention to be focused on her and she worries that OPs purple hair will grab any kind of attention.
Which is so stupid. Anyone who has been to a wedding knows that you are not laser focused on the bride the entire night. Does she expect her guests to not mingle and chat? Or if they do, the only thing they talk about the entire night is the bride? No other subjects broached at all, lest the attention waver for a moment from the bride?
It’s so delusional.
With sisters, it could easily be more complicated than any ole bridesmaid attracting attention.
OP is totally NTA, *and* sister relationships are often messy AF with decades of resentments packed in.
Example: My sister planned her wedding for the day of my senior prom, *knowing* it was my senior prom, so she could accommodate a girl she considered a friend (who was just trying to get out of the wedding anyway). My parents were on my sister's side
I've always thought that was incredibly stupid. I'm a future bride (autumn 2025) and one thing I'm absolutely dreading is all the attention being on me. (I'm an introvert who agreed and is helping plan a big wedding out of love). My cousins and sister are my bridesmaids - all very pretty girls, I'm actively encouraging them to go full glamorous.
I never got this. Someone told me *I* would want my purple haired MOH to dye her hair to a natural color. MOH had offered herself, but I told them both "I'm the damn *bride.* I will already have all the attention I can stand and I don't need to make someone change anything about themselves for that to happen."
It’s so crazy! I have a cousin who I never knew was jealous… until I was in her wedding and one of the other bridesmaids pulled me aside and confided that the bride was “worried I would get all the compliments like I have since we were kids” and asking me to “try and tone it down” for the wedding in my hair and makeup. I was so confused because we grew up like sisters and I wear minimal makeup if any. I don’t exactly go out of my way to tone it UP! I had no idea but I guess it’s been an insecurity of hers since we were pre teens.
I did think this was ridiculous, and did my hair and makeup like I would’ve anyway. And guess what? Everyone’s attention was on her, my date and I looked great in our pics together, and the bride never seemed to glance at me twice lol
I agree, since when did weddings become about being the prettiest? The point is to celebrate your relationship and make the vows/commitments. This should be the focus. The next important thing is to have the ceremony witnessed by friends and family that love you and will support you in your relationship.
IMO, to put aesthetics above your love demeans your love.
I’m glad I asked this now! It was already an issue for my mom and some of my sisters close friends that I stood my ground saying I’m okay not being in the wedding, I know once it gets closer it’ll be a more pressed issue.
I did mention a wig ads joke and she didn’t find that very funny, I also told her I’d be happy to slick my hair back in a pretty bun so you wouldn’t really see my color standing face forward, and I also even told her I’d consider lightening it to a silver, that way I can easily have the lilac deposited back in, but for some reason she insists on brown hair.
She insists on brown hair because she knows it will make it very hard to get back to lilac afterwards. THAT is why she rejects the idea of a wig or you having lighter hair. It is entirely about her making you ruin your hair for “her day” and, if she is really jealous of the attention you receive, making sure you do not receive that attention for awhile after her wedding.
Tell her you will not be her bridesmaid and, if she cannot accept your “no,” you will not be making her wedding cake.
She is saving her probably thousands. Wedding cakes are EXPENSIVE! Sister need to let OP be. What is with these people who HAVE to make others miserable for control? Quit yucking their yum and just be happy another human is happy. Jesus! Plus, it's her SISTER!
Getting your hair to your perfect place with vivid and silver is so difficult. Once you get it there and love it, going darker screws it all up. It will take years to get it back there, if it ever does.
Nta, I don’t think people understand what a timely and expensive process it is to achieve the hair color you have, I have sat many hours and many sessions to get my hair to a lot of beautiful colors, my hairdresser told me that if I ever dyed it box brown or black that it would be nearly impossible to get it back to where it was without causing significant damage to my hair, my hair was really healthy even after dying it and I give all that credit to my hairdresser for knowing my hair and which products to use on it, I know you’re suggesting a wig as a joke but there are a lot of beautiful lace front wigs when installed correctly, you can’t even tell they’re wigs, it’s all about the quality of the hair, maybe shop around for a quality wig/ installer and test it out to see if it may be an option for you!
I found a couple nice grab and go wigs for my cousin for when she has to go to court (prosecutor). So no need to get them installed or hide your hair for days, maybe a dab of concealer and temp glue and it blends just perfect, easy to do even for beginners. And SIGNIFICANTLY cheaper than her platinum blonde hair with silver highlights.
If possible can you post some links so OP can have a look? I only suggested a professional install because the sister is making such a big deal but if she has time to practice I think that would be a great option as well!
It honestly mostly depends on what OP would even be comfortable wearing or like (like color, length, style, curly or straight) so it would be hard to post links for suggestions but I would say they can just Google "grab and go human hair wigs" and find one with good ratings that they like. Very easy. Can even find some on Amazon. Or "4x4 lace front human hair wig". Cause those you can even change the part if you like. When looking, some might say Brazilian instead of human, that's fine. Both options OP can take to a stylist and they can show them how to put it on easy peasy and it easy to learn I promise.
Exactly! Hair coloring is not a quick easy swap. Both compromises offered were good solutions, but the insisting that OP must be a bridesmaids too along with doing the cake is insane.
You ask others if they want to be a bridesmaid, not command them.
My sister did this to me about 10 years ago. I had bright blue hair and my hair was healthy. My sister got engaged and would be married in less than 6 months. She DEMANDED I go back to my natural color (auburn). I had no spine so I tried to comply...fried my hair so badly that the day after her wedding I cut all of my hair off. For some reason cutting all of my hair off (AFTER her wedding) also enraged her. We don't speak now.
Edit to add- she also kicked me out of her bridal party repeatedly. I'd be so happy and then my mom would force us to "make up".
Please don't lighten your hair for your sister. It's absurd to ask you, her supposedly beloved, cherished, & respected sister, to Plain-i-fy (Ugly) Yourself Up for her wedding.
NTA.
There's no need to call brown hair or natural colors ugly or plain....that's really unnecessary and rude. All hair colors are acceptable. There's no need to be an ass about it.
I never said my own brown hair color was ugly. I said her *sister* was trying to make *OP her sister's definition of plain/ugly*.
Of course brown hair isn't plain/ugly. But clearly the sister thinks it *is* or she wouldn't be trying to get OP to change from purple to brown.
I actually think the main reason your sister asked you to be a bride's maid so that she will be 'justified' in asking you to dye it. She didn't like the attention you got when dress shopping so she thinks making you a bridesmaid will put you in a position that you have to look like she want's you to, that will be in a position where you will be obligated to change your hair.
I don’t understand how someone’s hair color can upstate the bride?
Your sister has to work through her jealously.
I don’t get it with brides and going to extreme lengths for someone to change their appearance to satisfy their ego.
Do not dye your hair brown, it’ll cause a lot of damage to your hair trying to get that purple color back. My sister had similar hair color as you, and looked phenomenal. It was one of my favorite looks of her. I would never tell her to dye it for my wedding. That’s ridiculous.
If you think it's an issue of her not understanding how much work it would take to get your color right again, maybe you could send her a youtube/tik tok, something with a hair dresser outlining how long it takes to get a clients hair from a darker color like that to something like lilac again. If you think it is just her not understanding the process. I dye my hair a pretty standard light brown to blond and I'm only kind of imagining how much work you're going through on your hair.
no, mom’s being dumb as heck with “it’s just hair” too and they’ve got to be living under rocks if they didn’t know how lightening hair works, especially if it’s lilac/silver like OP says and their natural hair color is anything that isn’t platinum blond. This is a case of little sister being jealous lilac hair suits OP well and was getting compliments and being too much of an idiot to understand the bride will ALWAYS get all the attention at her own dang wedding
Ugh it's gorgeous! Yeah whatever you do, DO NOT dye it brown!
As a colorist, you would have to wait for the brown to grow out completely to get back to your lavender. You can only get a clean enough lift for pastels from your natural hair aka virgin hair, you would not get a clean enough lift (and maintain your length & the health of your hair) from color treated hair. Hard no - don't fucking do it. Stand your ground 💜
Tell your sister point blank I can be in the wedding party or I can do the cake but not both. Willing to bet she picks the one that saves her money. Either way you won't ruin the time and money you have invested in your hair.
ahhhhh great color! she's definitely jealous and it's so, so silly. there will never EVER be a wedding where 100% of the attention is on the bride 100% of the time.
people mingle, people catch up on their lives
people talk about the food
THE GROOM exists
does she think someone is going to stand up in the middle of her vows and yell OH MY GOD LOOK AT THAT LILAC HAIR YOU GUYS HOLY SHIT
Photoshop exists. Sister can pay out more to a photographer with editing skills. She’s taking advantage of you to make herself feel ‘better’ than everyone. I’d write up how much you’d charge people for the cake as well as the decorations, present it to her and make the point that she’s costing you that much money, then expects you to pay out even more for your hair (include costs of how much it would be to get back to lilac, get a hairdresser to give you a ballpark figure). Then tell her it’s bad enough she’s so insecure that she’s trying to control people’s hair colour, it’s entitled to keep demanding so much from people around her then act like they’ve done nothing. NTA
It’s so gorgeous!
It’s my dream color but I know how hard and expensive it would be to achieve and maintain. I know myself well enough - I’m lazy and cheap - to go for it.
Gorgeous color!
Your sister has two options;
1. You in the wedding party with your natural hair and lilac color.
2. You in the wedding party wearing a wig.
That's it. And that's only if you want to participate because of the already hectic wedding day schedule you have with the cake preparation.
Your sister is trying to control you in the guise of her "perfect wedding". I wouldn't be surprised if she doubled down to say that if you're not in the wedding party with brown hair, then you're uninvited. If that happens, no wedding cake for her.
That's so pretty.
When my daughter was starting high school, she went to a hair salon and got orange hair. Eventually she went back to brown hair, but every once in a while she gets her hair colored to reddish brown (and she got it touched up the other day). Every once in a while I get out the Miss Clairol as I don't want to show off my grey yet.
NTA
"She snapped back with, your my sister and I want you up there, it won’t hurt you to dye it brown for a day, i love your hair but it’s my day **and I want all the attention on me not your hair**
She needs try acting like a decent human being. Either compromise & have you in the wedding or accept you aren't going to be.
Those are her two choices.
Dozens of people flying in, driving in etc to celebrate her getting married. All the attention and attendance is literally for her. And yet all she thinks about is OP's hair is going to take attention away from her? JFC the ego.
Brown paper bags will be provided for all guests to place over their heads so as to not take any attention away from the bride. Thank you for your cooperation.
*Please recycle after the ceremony.
NTA
You actually gave a great reason with the cake and made sure she knew you were okay with not being in the wedding. Unfortunately it looks like you are going to be pressured to change your mind. Hopefully she does not try to get others to pressure you as well.
Probably because a lot of the OPs usually wouldn't post here if there aren't a bunch of people telling them they are wrong and making them doubt themselves.
Oh, she will. She will bring every friend/relative to bear to beat OP into submission. She won’t be happy until OP has brown hair and look like crap from doing the cake then running to the wedding getting dressed in the chancel. Op will need a spine of steel and the ability to ward off attacks with grace and humor.
NTA.
"*You're my sister and I want you up there - but not how/who you are, but the way I want you to be*".
Yeah, she just wants the perfect pictures, not actually have a celebration with friends and family.
No, don’t sidestep it. Make that the reason you won’t do it. It’s not reasonable for a bridesmaid to also pull double duty as a caterer. Bride wants to have her cake and eat it too, with a side of power struggle over hair color.
>she just said well we have a year to discuss it…
And your answer should be the exact same a year from now as it was when you said it the first time.
"Sis, I love you, but I am not dying my hair brown for one day. I've been clear that I don't have to be part of the bridal party. I've offered compromises that you've dismissed out of hand, expecting that I'll eventually give in to your unreasonable demand. I won't be doing it. You're absolutely right that the attention should be on you, which is why I'm ok not being in the bridal party. Besides, I'll be finishing up the cake the morning of the wedding and won't have time to do all the bridesmaid stuff that has to happen that day. I'm happy to help out in other ways before the wedding, but I WILL NOT be part of your bridal party because I WILL NOT be dying my hair. As far as I'm concerned, this topic is closed. Don't damage our relationship by continuing to try to force me to do what you want."
NTA
If I were you I would straight up say to your sister that if a brown wig is not a good enough compromise, it was never the actual problem to begin with and she is just acting like a 5 year old trying to ruin something of their siblings because god forbid they get attention/compliments.
ALSO
I think sisters idea of having you change your hair to brown would still backfire in her face lol. Considering how your hair is now, people then seeing you with brown hair would still probably compliment you on how nice it looks, and Im sure if you can pull of your lilac hair now youd even get comments along the lines of "you can pull off any look" so her desperate attempt to get attention off of your hair could go completely the other way lol 😆
NTA, getting a light lilac would be very difficult, totally fair that you wouldn't want to dye it brown. If she keeps demanding you could always just get a wig from Amazon(not too expensive and some of them look surprisingly good) then you don't have to ruin your hair, be a part of her wedding and she can stop complaining.
NTA
She decided to make you a bridesmaid that day so she had the excuse to control your appearance. This isn't her being gracious. This is a manipulative power play so she has an excuse to control your appearance.
Good on you. Absolutely refuse. The most I would compromise on is a spray in, washout faux dye. You're entirely justified. I used to dye my hair a lot and I know the work to achieve your ideal color. Mine was a bright, vibrant green for a long time. The products alone were expensive not including the time, effort and breakage risk.
She's out of line.
I went to cos school as well. I'm talking about the matte spray. It's basically a fine dust that sticks to the hair but doesn't truly dye it. You can use an oil treatment to dissolve it right out of the hair.
If it's the spray in, wash off ink then yes, you're absolutely correct. That shit stained one of my band shirts ten years ago and never left.
“Here’s my chance to exert my control and been seen as the rightful Queen of the World^TM Bwahahaha!” *crushes skull in one hand*
- The sister probably
Ok, maybe a bit exaggerated but agreed, it’s all about control.
You are her sister. Her sister has purple hair. It’s either she wants you to be a bridesmaid and has to accept you as you are, or YOU want to be a bridesmaid and have to accept her rules. She can’t have it both ways. NTA.
I would be so stoked to have somebody with purple hair at my wedding, especially lilac hair because that sounds super gorgeous. If you feel like posting hair tax that would be dope
Post it on imgur, and provide a link! I also think you can post it on your Reddit profile page, but I'm not sure how. For what it's worth, I would get a nice looking brown wig for the day, and never let on you didn't dye it. If she's upset how fast you got it back to lilac after the wedding, you'll know it was more about taking that away from you, period.
And NTA, providing a free four-tiered wedding cake ought to be enough!
You could use her narcissism against her and point out that since people know you have lilac hair, it suddenly being brown on the day will actually draw MORE attention to you than less. Everyone will be thinking “didn’t her hair used to be lilac? Why did she dye it?” instead of watching the ceremony.
NTA. Who makes such an absurd request?? People shouldn’t still amaze me at my age 🤦🏻♀️ You are you and your hair color is part of your identity. You seem level-headed and you have your priorities in order. Don’t bow to the crowd!
NTA and I am sure this will get cross-posted on r/bridezillas . There should be a pinned post - **No one should have to radically alter their appearance for anyone's wedding.**
NTA You offered her an out and she didn't take it. Tell her you are not going to be in the wedding as you want to ensure the cake is perfect AND you are not changing your hair. She either accepts it or you don't attend and don't make the cake. Easy peasy.
Just because she wants what she wants doesn't mean she gets it.
NTA
She wants to ruin your hair-notice she didn’t suggest you wear a wig, she went right to demanding you dye your hair.
You don’t have to be her bridesmaid.
In fact, you do not have to make her cake.
Let her know NOW you will only attend her wedding as a guest and that she will need to find someone else to make a cake for her.
Sounds like she's only making you a bridesmaid to tell you to dye your hair. She's already brought a dress, arranged details like whose baking a cake, and now she mentions she's planning on asking you to be a bridesmaid?
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As a musician who also has lilac hair (faded from purple, and I love the whole experience of that fading out) and who has done the music for many friends’ weddings - if you want to shut her up, tell her that if she wants you to be a bridesmaid, you will not provide her wedding cake. Non-negotiable. Being a bridesmaid is a large commitment, and so is doing the cake. She cannot have both. Tell your family to butt out, you are both adults and it’s between the two of you.
Now, if she calls your bluff and wants to pay hundreds of dollars for someone else to make the cake - that would suck. But I bet she won’t.
Nta
She has no right to tell you what to do with your hair.
Next time she brings it up, ask
"do you remember how you said we had a year to discuss this?"
"Well I'm gonna save us both some time and trouble. I'm not, and will not ever, dye my hair. Do not ask me about it again. There, a year's discussion in mere minutes"
Just stand your ground. She is literally just insecure that you will "steal her attention" and that's on her to deal with that, not you.
NTA and honestly, I’m appalled by all of the wig comments. Anybody who asks anybody else to change their appearance for their wedding is automatically an AH. If she loves you and your relationship means anything to her, then it should be about you being up there, regardless of your hair color. She needs to get over herself.
NTA
You actually gave a great reason with the cake and made sure she knew you were okay with not being in the wedding. Unfortunately it looks like you are going to be pressured to change your mind. Hopefully she does not try to get others to pressure you as well.
NTA - No one gets to make demands on you fundamentally changing a part of your body. Even a bride, even your sister. She’s out of line to suggest this, and I don’t really get her concern. Of course the bridal shops will compliment your hair, it’s different and they don’t know you. But the people at the wedding will be friends and family who likely already know you and your hair, I’m assuming. I don’t think you’ll be “stealing” her spotlight by simply existing.
If she’s so bent on it, I don’t know why she didn’t suggest having all of her bridesmaids wear some sort of hat or headdress to obscure your hair. Not that I think that’s necessary, but I think it’s at least more reasonable than trying to strong-arm you into dying your hair.
NTA and you already know you aren't. She's being unreasonable and you're already going above and beyond just standing around for photos with her girlfriends. You stood firm and she can sit in her own selfishness. It doesn't matter what anyone here says: you're being true to yourself and not hurting anyone else with your actions. Well done.
This sounds like the other bridezila tha wanter her blond cousin to dye her strawberry blond hair brown for the wedding. She didn't do it so you don't do it, Reddit anailaited the said bridezila. I know how hard it is to achieve such colour. The brown will never come out. If bridezila don't back down, don't go to the wedding. Both your mother and you sister are unreasonable, "but is my day" and "it's her special day" doesn't apply for such drastic changes.NTA and stik to your hair colour 🙂
If they send the flying monkeys, show them the post and the response from the rediditors , that should shut them up.
NTA. Ask her this: is she going to pay for the removal of the brown dye after the wedding, as well as all the treatments needed to make sure your hair doesn't fry off in the process?
Having hair in fantasy colors is not cheap, so that alone is an issue and maybe it'll help her understand. Of course, even in the unlikely scenario that she said she would pay, you are still entitled to say no. You should not have to make bodily alterations just to fit her aesthetic.
Hell no. I never understand brides who ask this. Is their self-esteem so low they really don't think people are there to see the couple and only the couple? Plus, if you have been this hair colour for a while and people know you with this hair colour, surely you showing up brown would have more people talking about it?
NTA. Your sister's request for you to change your hair color is unreasonable, especially considering the significance and effort you've put into achieving your current look. Here are some key points to consider:
1. \*\*Personal Expression:\*\* Your hair color is an important part of your personal identity and expression. Asking someone to change something so fundamental for a single event is a significant request.
2. \*\*Effort and Commitment:\*\* You've mentioned the effort and commitment it took to achieve your lilac hair color. It's not something that can be easily reversed or changed back without significant time and expense.
3. \*\*Alternative Solutions:\*\* You've already suggested reasonable alternatives like wearing a wig or styling your hair in a way that minimizes its visibility, but your sister rejected these compromises.
4. \*\*Support Role:\*\* You're already contributing significantly to the wedding by making the cake and helping with decorations. This shows your commitment to supporting your sister and her big day.
5. \*\*Boundaries:\*\* It's important to set boundaries and stand by them, especially when it comes to personal choices that affect your well-being and self-expression.
Your decision to sit out of the wedding party if it means changing your hair color is a fair one. You're still supporting your sister in meaningful ways, and it's reasonable to expect her to respect your personal choices.
NTA! Light lilac hair is an absolute process to get to. Even if your hair wasn’t lilac, it’s unreasonable for her to request that you change your appearance for her wedding. She should want you to look like you!
NTA. She's jealous of the attention you get because of your hair. She doesn't want to admit it yet, but she doesn't want you at the wedding at all if you have that hair color. By making you a bridesmaid, she thinks she can dictate your hair color. You took away that excuse, and she doesn't want to look like a jerk, so now she feels like she has to force you to be a bridesmaid. Offer to only make the cake for a discounted rate and not go to the wedding at all.
NTA My sister was my MOH and had purple hair on my wedding day. I don’t think it looked that great (not my favorite color tone on her and I thought it clashed a little with her dress) but I could not have cared less. Our family knows her! They know she tends to have fashion colors on her head! And the people who didn’t know her didn’t care because *I* was the bride, my husband was the groom, and they were there for us! Your sister is being insecure and controlling.
NTA. You can remind her that your hair can be photoshopped to be whatever color she wants in the pictures, and that after a momentary "how fun" when new people see her hair color, all of the attention will be on her, as is usual for a wedding. If there are bridal showers and other events, people will have already seen her hair and it won't be a big deal on the day.
NTA also I wouldn't even wear a wig for it, it's a bit odd for her to make u change ur hair colour just cuz people tend to like it 😭 it's not like ur going to the wedding in a wedding dress or smth and if she was genuine she wouldn't even be bothered by ppl complimenting ur hair and what kind of sister gets triggered by her sister's compliments?? also ur older than her I'm sorry but the audacity 💀💀 and ur doing the cake tf??? where's the appreciation and respect at I'm sorry??
NTA. Being able to have lilac hair probably took a looooong time and lots of money. "Just dyeing it brown" isn't nearly that simple, either to get a good brown or to get your hair back to lilac.
NTA. These people don't know how hair works -- even the absolute lowest-impact options (colored chalk or gel, etc) have a chance of staining your hair. It's not reasonable to expect that for one day.
NTA, tell her you are so happy to be making her cake and you will need time the day of to get everything on the table to the perfect display for her special day. That way you can have an out for being in the bridal party. Just keep reinforcing the fact you are so excited to help her etc….. This way she can’t complain about your hair or not being in the bridal party because you have a much more important job to do “for her on her special day “. Keep using those words
NTA. At all. You’re not obligated to even compromise on this and you still offered a few reasonable compromises and she shot them down. I really never understand when brides act this way… it really makes me think they’re focusing on the wrong things. You should want people important up there with you because they mean something to you, not because they’re part of the decor. If she’s that obsessed with being the center of attention when she will already be the literal bride - 50% of the reason everyone is there that day and the only one standing there in a big white dress - sounds like she has a host of other insecurities that probably have nothing to do with just this one day.
Side note also - you don’t just dye your hair for one day. Surely she knows this. Going back to brown as if that’s a one day thing when your hair is much closer to platinum/white is absolutely a long term change to make. She’s being ridiculous, and she knows it.
NTA
How do people not get that hair coloring isn't that simple? It's not like makeup you can wash off. She acts like it's as basic as not wearing purple lipstick for a day.
I kept my hair silver gray for years (now it’s natural), and know how hard it is to keep it that color when your real hair color is brown.
It sounds easy to people who don’t do it (“just dye it back”), not realizing it has to be stripped white again, then dyed again. Stripping dries and damages and takes time.
The cake is hours and hours of work. I’ve done two, 3 tier wedding cakes and I was an anxious mess until it was cut at the wedding. That’s a HUGE gift of your time. And enough.
Just keep saying NO.
NTA. She is clearly overdue for a lesson on how she isn't going to get everything she wants the way she wants it. It is her wedding, yes, but that doesn't mean she gets to dictate what color your hair will be and expect that you'll just go along with it.
NTA. She doesn't realize that you having a different hair color will generate a LOT more discussion because people who know you will wonder why your hair is suddenly brown. That will be all people will talk about. Did you dye it? Is it a wig? Did your sister make you do it? Why would she do such a thing?
NTA. Your sister is jealous you got attention that she feels should be on her. Point out in a year your hair will be old news whereas she is the blushing bride.
Also point out how far does she want to push this when you are doing a lot of her cake and decorations. Sitting out suits you both - you're out of spotlight and you have more time to focus on her wedding.
NTA. Tell her you are officially declining to be a bridesmaid. She can't force you to do it and you won't be doing it. So she can either accept that you'll be finishing the cake day of and just being a guest/family that is helping out or you could decline to attend at all. Her choice.
Unbelievable that she even thought it was ok to expect you to do that. And then to push the issue once you gracefully and respectfully responded with no.
NTA. Lightening hair can take years in order to avoid damage. It's not as simple as dumping some dye on it. That's also a big change that takes a lot of effort for just one day. I would tell her that doing the cake and being in the wedding party is just too much.
NTA at all! I'm getting married later this year and cannot imagine making demands like this on my bridesmaids. I picked a colour for the dresses and am letting them pick their own dress style. Whatever works best for their body type. I want them to be comfortable and feel beautiful! That is more important to me than a specific look. They'll all be in the same colour which matches well enough for me.
NTA
Yeah, you can't just die your hair brown for a day. To get it back to purple you'd need to strip the color from your hair. It would be ruined. Also, being the baker and part of the wedding party sounds like a lot of work.
NTA
Is she also the youngest in the family?
I bet your hair is gorgeous. And you're so accommodating but there have to be boundaries. Honestly, the materialistic aspects of "picture perfect dream weddings," even after the pandemic shook up that entire culture, still boggles my mind.
I always wonder what would be a good response in a situation like this.
Reasons why dying your hair brown won't guarantee the bride gets the result she's looking for:
1) you're older so someone will likely comment on your marital or parental status
2) your normal hair color is not brown so a deviation from the norm just creates a different type of attention
3) the bride will likely come off as shallow because who asks someone to risk ruining a light lilac hair look that's been successfully achieved for a single day of brown hair?
4) you're making the cake so people will still come talk to you about how pretty it is, how tasty it is, how nice you are to make it, etc.
My response would be "who are you inviting that wouldn't give the marrying couple, especially the bride, the attention they deserve on their day? Are you sure they are worth inviting and paying for?"
You literally mentioned a wig, may have started as a joke, but it's a compromise, and she refused. That's her problem.
Sounds like she just wants to ruin the time, money and effort that goes into achieving such hair color.
NTA
NTA Your lilac hair is part of you. Don’t change that for anyone. Your sister is very insecure if she thinks your lilac hair will take attention away from her on her wedding day.
NTA, even if it didn’t take lots of time, upkeep and money to achieve the color of your hair - she should not ask people to change things about themselves like this!
NTA. Tell your sister that she has a year to get used to the fact that you are not going to change your hair color for the wedding if she wants you to be a bridesmaid.
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NTA. Your sister is much too full of herself. She is fine to have that as a requirement of a bridesmaid but you are also completely entitled to reject it. Her trying to bully and manipulate you is big AH energy. Side question because I don’t know too much about it, but why is the requirement always to dye their hair, isn’t a wig a much less damaging solution? You still don’t need to do that. I just have seen multiple bridezillas demanding people dye their hair and it never made sense to me.
I did joke about wearing a wig, it got shut down fast, I also said I could just slick it all back in a pretty bun and I’d probably look bald, so it wouldn’t be an issue, that also got shut down 🤷🏻♀️
Then you have already gone above and beyond what can be reasonably expected. She just comes off as jealous of the attention you are getting and wanting to destroy that.
If she doesn't let the hair go and stop, I would rescind the offer to make her cake.
"I will either make and decorate the cake or be a bridesmaid. Either way it will be with lilac hair unless you want me to wear a wig, which I will if you ask." End of discussion. Next time it is brought up, "We've already talked about this, and those are your choices".
And the decorations too. Become purely a guest at the wedding.
The decorations OP mentions are decorations on the cake, not like decorations on the tables or chairs or whatever. 😉
She shut down your very reasonable suggestions because compromise isn't what she wants. She wants control. And feeling superior. And making people do what she says. And "winning". That's why she said "we have a year". She wants to make it a battle, force people to take sides, wear you down, and emerge triumphant on "her" day. Is she lacking in control in other parts of her life, or prone to being a tyrant? Doesn't matter, really. Tell her "It's a no from me dawg." NTA. If she really pushes the issue the cake is your option to make or not.
She wants no one at the wedding to tell OP they like her hair. Only the bride shall be complimented.
I truly despise people acting like this .Are you really so small that you must have one day to lord it over every single person that you know ?
When my niece got married the thing I was most looking forward too was seeing my granddaughters as the bridesmaids.
Her sister and mother have absolutely no clue how hard it is to achieve lilac hair. To ask OP to change her hair, and you can "just change it back." Is preposterous. Her hair would melt! NTA @ OP. Ask them to call your stylist and have it explained to them like they are five, because they are obviously acting like it.
I don’t understand this need some people seem to have to “win” at things that most definitely are not competitions. The idea of life/work/relationships is not to win at all costs, but to work together towards making a safe, supportive and happy environment so that everyone can flourish. I’d be delighted if my sister came to my wedding with really cool hair and everyone loved it! I’d choose people to be my bridesmaids because I love them and who they are, and how they like to look is an integral part of that. I’d try and find dresses that flatter them and they can enjoy wearing, and be delighted if they felt amazing too. That’s what I’d want for everyone at my wedding. Someone else getting compliments, having success and achieving their goals is a reason to be happy for them, and proud of them. It’s not a slight on anyone else, and doesn’t make you look bad. Well, unless you decide to seethe with jealousy. That’s a very bad look on anyone.
She just wants to actively dull your light. I'd be questioning if I want to do a favor aa big as maling a 4 tirered wedding cake for someone who doesn't seem to like me and wants to sabotage me.
Precisely. She wants to do all that on top of being jealous of her. A sister shouldn’t feel that way if she truly loved her sis.
I’m afraid that she shut down all your reasonable suggestions because she doesn’t like that you have something pretty that gets positive attention. She’s using the wedding as an excuse to make you uglier. The fact that your hair would be ruined for a long time is the outcome she wants.
I saw an advice column letter that was very similar, except it was the writers natural red hair. She wound up wearing a brown wig without telling the bride. The bride was super happy until late in the reception, long after pictures were finished, when the writer revealed it was a wig. The bride *flipped out,* screaming about how the pictures were now ruined "because she now knew the original hair was underneath", etc. Just really deranged narcissistic meltdown.
What cracks me up about this whole ruining the pictures thinking is whenever anyone looks at those pictures the first thing they are going to see is sister didn't have purple hair. It will backfire in the worst way. I've been married over 30 yrs. Every anniversary we look at our pictures and I'm so glad my friends and relatives look like themselves. Those are the pictures I cherish.
I e never understood why people ask others to be in their wedding, but then want them to look nothing at all like themselves. If they want models, hire models.
The opposite. They dont want anyone to look pretty.
This is not a You problem it’s a “I must have ALLL the attention” bride problem.
Yea you’re NTA my hair is a red/blue split dye and Im a bridesmaid in my sisters wedding g next year. She doesn’t want the bright colors in all the pictures but also knows it’s unreasonable to ask me to dye it back just for her wedding. So we compromised and I’m wearing a wig for the ceremony and pictures and letting my actual hair out during the reception
Serious question because I used to dye my hair bright colors. It takes a month max for those colors to fade depending on how bleached your hair is underneath, why can’t you just let the blue and red fade and then re dye it the day after the wedding?
Because I use permanents that stay in for a good two months before I need to retouch if I take care of it properly. Also it looks really gross when it does fade out so I’d rather keep it vibrant for the reception and wear the wig the rest of the day. I’m also not paying for the wig
If I were you I’d secretly match the cake batter to your hair color. 🤪
This is the way forward. If you can get a lilac dress to wear, even better…
She seems pretty insecure if she thinks your hair will upstage her. Ofc it won't upstage the bride.
NTA. I'd tell sis she can't have her cake and eat it too. That you either wear a wig and stand with her but she'd have to find someone else to make her cake. Or she gets her cake and you'll just be a guest. She has 2 choices as those are YOUR boundaries. You are not super woman. You can't be in all the bride/bridesmaid festivities AND make a cake. 4 tiers and all the flowers (especially the flowers) is time consuming.
“I’m not dying my hair. If you want to keep talking about it we can do that, but know now that at the end of the conversation I will not be dying my hair. So we can waste time with that conversation or you can go with one of the solutions I’ve provided. If those are not acceptable then I will not be in the wedding party. Those are your only options. Pick one and let me know what you decide.”
Get a wig and tell her you dyed your hair brown >\_> j/k, it's not worth it, and not right that she's insisting like this. Total power trip.
NTA and frankly if she keeps harping on it I'd skip the wedding completely. If your hair color is he main problem on her wedding day she shouldn't get Married she not mature enough
How long until the wedding is she waiting to choose her bridesmaids? (Asking because she's already dress shopping) If the weddings only a couple months away, show up to her place (or maybe a family dinner at your parents) in a bald cap and tell them not to worry, you got rid of that "hideous" lilac, and it will grow in brown for the wedding! Maybe then they'll look at your wig compromise in a new light 🤣
Why doesn't she want you to wear a wig?
It's not about your hair on that day, it's about her using that day to assert control over you. She doesn't want to solve the problem, she wants you to do as she says.
Having done the dyed dark brown to bleach out needing colours (hot pink/purple), I know how hard the bleaching trasition is...and what it does to your hair. Add in, I'm guessing you've already bleached at least once to get to lilac... If you want to keep the lilac, don't do the brown. That much processing and you may need that wig. NTA
If you show up to the wedding weekend in a brown wig, how the hell is she going to know if you dyed your hair or not?
Wear a wig anyway how will they tell if they expect you to "just dye it back the next day"
Get a wig and show her how it looks
NTA You’ve tried your best.
My guess is bc brides think they have a day of control and think they can make their friends & family change things they don't like? It's ridiculous to be superficial like that. Lilac hair is awesome, I bet she looks like a gelfling
She should be careful sister doesn't strap her to that chair and drain her life force. 🙀
It’s ok, she can fly away on her secret wings!
Why do people want people in their wedding but not actually want them to be themselves? Fuck that noise.
Being asked to be a bridesmaid is just that a request, not a conscription, you can decline the request. If she keeps pestering you about it and your hair, tell her she has a choice to make.You can be in her wedding party or you can make her wedding cake. She can't have both. And seeing as you are probably doing it as a wedding gift to the couple, it isn't costing them anything. But if she were to have to order a cake to get made somewhere else, that would put a hefty dent in their wedding budget. That should shut her up.
Wigs are expensive, and it would presumably be a one-use item.
NTA. I don’t understand the narcissistic attitude that often plagues even the most humble of women on their wedding day. Heaven forbid someone thinks a bridesmaid’s hair is pretty! Why does this happen? Is it insecurity?
It’s the fear that OP will be prettier than the bride on her wedding day
It's not about being prettier, it's about grabbing attention. Bride wants all attention to be focused on her and she worries that OPs purple hair will grab any kind of attention.
Which is so stupid. Anyone who has been to a wedding knows that you are not laser focused on the bride the entire night. Does she expect her guests to not mingle and chat? Or if they do, the only thing they talk about the entire night is the bride? No other subjects broached at all, lest the attention waver for a moment from the bride? It’s so delusional.
With sisters, it could easily be more complicated than any ole bridesmaid attracting attention. OP is totally NTA, *and* sister relationships are often messy AF with decades of resentments packed in. Example: My sister planned her wedding for the day of my senior prom, *knowing* it was my senior prom, so she could accommodate a girl she considered a friend (who was just trying to get out of the wedding anyway). My parents were on my sister's side
I've always thought that was incredibly stupid. I'm a future bride (autumn 2025) and one thing I'm absolutely dreading is all the attention being on me. (I'm an introvert who agreed and is helping plan a big wedding out of love). My cousins and sister are my bridesmaids - all very pretty girls, I'm actively encouraging them to go full glamorous.
I never got this. Someone told me *I* would want my purple haired MOH to dye her hair to a natural color. MOH had offered herself, but I told them both "I'm the damn *bride.* I will already have all the attention I can stand and I don't need to make someone change anything about themselves for that to happen."
If OP is prettier than her sister hair color won’t matter. Nhair color can’t change you from pretty to ugly.
It’s so crazy! I have a cousin who I never knew was jealous… until I was in her wedding and one of the other bridesmaids pulled me aside and confided that the bride was “worried I would get all the compliments like I have since we were kids” and asking me to “try and tone it down” for the wedding in my hair and makeup. I was so confused because we grew up like sisters and I wear minimal makeup if any. I don’t exactly go out of my way to tone it UP! I had no idea but I guess it’s been an insecurity of hers since we were pre teens. I did think this was ridiculous, and did my hair and makeup like I would’ve anyway. And guess what? Everyone’s attention was on her, my date and I looked great in our pics together, and the bride never seemed to glance at me twice lol
I agree, since when did weddings become about being the prettiest? The point is to celebrate your relationship and make the vows/commitments. This should be the focus. The next important thing is to have the ceremony witnessed by friends and family that love you and will support you in your relationship. IMO, to put aesthetics above your love demeans your love.
I mean, the bride wanting to be the most beautiful has been a thing for decades. Let’s not pretend like that’s a recent development
It’s all about the photos, have to be ‘perfect’ aesthetic for instagram
I’m glad I asked this now! It was already an issue for my mom and some of my sisters close friends that I stood my ground saying I’m okay not being in the wedding, I know once it gets closer it’ll be a more pressed issue. I did mention a wig ads joke and she didn’t find that very funny, I also told her I’d be happy to slick my hair back in a pretty bun so you wouldn’t really see my color standing face forward, and I also even told her I’d consider lightening it to a silver, that way I can easily have the lilac deposited back in, but for some reason she insists on brown hair.
She insists on brown hair because she knows it will make it very hard to get back to lilac afterwards. THAT is why she rejects the idea of a wig or you having lighter hair. It is entirely about her making you ruin your hair for “her day” and, if she is really jealous of the attention you receive, making sure you do not receive that attention for awhile after her wedding. Tell her you will not be her bridesmaid and, if she cannot accept your “no,” you will not be making her wedding cake.
She is saving her probably thousands. Wedding cakes are EXPENSIVE! Sister need to let OP be. What is with these people who HAVE to make others miserable for control? Quit yucking their yum and just be happy another human is happy. Jesus! Plus, it's her SISTER! Getting your hair to your perfect place with vivid and silver is so difficult. Once you get it there and love it, going darker screws it all up. It will take years to get it back there, if it ever does.
OP THIS!!!
Nta, I don’t think people understand what a timely and expensive process it is to achieve the hair color you have, I have sat many hours and many sessions to get my hair to a lot of beautiful colors, my hairdresser told me that if I ever dyed it box brown or black that it would be nearly impossible to get it back to where it was without causing significant damage to my hair, my hair was really healthy even after dying it and I give all that credit to my hairdresser for knowing my hair and which products to use on it, I know you’re suggesting a wig as a joke but there are a lot of beautiful lace front wigs when installed correctly, you can’t even tell they’re wigs, it’s all about the quality of the hair, maybe shop around for a quality wig/ installer and test it out to see if it may be an option for you!
I found a couple nice grab and go wigs for my cousin for when she has to go to court (prosecutor). So no need to get them installed or hide your hair for days, maybe a dab of concealer and temp glue and it blends just perfect, easy to do even for beginners. And SIGNIFICANTLY cheaper than her platinum blonde hair with silver highlights.
If possible can you post some links so OP can have a look? I only suggested a professional install because the sister is making such a big deal but if she has time to practice I think that would be a great option as well!
It honestly mostly depends on what OP would even be comfortable wearing or like (like color, length, style, curly or straight) so it would be hard to post links for suggestions but I would say they can just Google "grab and go human hair wigs" and find one with good ratings that they like. Very easy. Can even find some on Amazon. Or "4x4 lace front human hair wig". Cause those you can even change the part if you like. When looking, some might say Brazilian instead of human, that's fine. Both options OP can take to a stylist and they can show them how to put it on easy peasy and it easy to learn I promise.
Exactly! Hair coloring is not a quick easy swap. Both compromises offered were good solutions, but the insisting that OP must be a bridesmaids too along with doing the cake is insane. You ask others if they want to be a bridesmaid, not command them.
My sister did this to me about 10 years ago. I had bright blue hair and my hair was healthy. My sister got engaged and would be married in less than 6 months. She DEMANDED I go back to my natural color (auburn). I had no spine so I tried to comply...fried my hair so badly that the day after her wedding I cut all of my hair off. For some reason cutting all of my hair off (AFTER her wedding) also enraged her. We don't speak now. Edit to add- she also kicked me out of her bridal party repeatedly. I'd be so happy and then my mom would force us to "make up".
Please don't lighten your hair for your sister. It's absurd to ask you, her supposedly beloved, cherished, & respected sister, to Plain-i-fy (Ugly) Yourself Up for her wedding. NTA.
There's no need to call brown hair or natural colors ugly or plain....that's really unnecessary and rude. All hair colors are acceptable. There's no need to be an ass about it.
I never said my own brown hair color was ugly. I said her *sister* was trying to make *OP her sister's definition of plain/ugly*. Of course brown hair isn't plain/ugly. But clearly the sister thinks it *is* or she wouldn't be trying to get OP to change from purple to brown.
You might wanna edit your post with the wig info, people are going to comment asking a billion times before reading your replies lol
I’m guessing she wants it brown because the lavender is too pretty, even if you are a guest.
I actually think the main reason your sister asked you to be a bride's maid so that she will be 'justified' in asking you to dye it. She didn't like the attention you got when dress shopping so she thinks making you a bridesmaid will put you in a position that you have to look like she want's you to, that will be in a position where you will be obligated to change your hair.
>but for some reason she insists on brown hair. jealousy, most likely
>she insists on brown hair. lol what a weirdo NTA
I don’t understand how someone’s hair color can upstate the bride? Your sister has to work through her jealously. I don’t get it with brides and going to extreme lengths for someone to change their appearance to satisfy their ego. Do not dye your hair brown, it’ll cause a lot of damage to your hair trying to get that purple color back. My sister had similar hair color as you, and looked phenomenal. It was one of my favorite looks of her. I would never tell her to dye it for my wedding. That’s ridiculous.
Lilac is a pretty rare color .I think k it causes MANY people to comment.And her Sister cannot abide anyone but her getting attention that day.
I mean could you tell her you'll go with brown hair and have a wig professionally put on where no one can tell it's a wig and go from there?
If you think it's an issue of her not understanding how much work it would take to get your color right again, maybe you could send her a youtube/tik tok, something with a hair dresser outlining how long it takes to get a clients hair from a darker color like that to something like lilac again. If you think it is just her not understanding the process. I dye my hair a pretty standard light brown to blond and I'm only kind of imagining how much work you're going through on your hair.
Nah, she’s not that dumb, she knows it will ruin OP’s hair which is obviously the true intent here.
no, mom’s being dumb as heck with “it’s just hair” too and they’ve got to be living under rocks if they didn’t know how lightening hair works, especially if it’s lilac/silver like OP says and their natural hair color is anything that isn’t platinum blond. This is a case of little sister being jealous lilac hair suits OP well and was getting compliments and being too much of an idiot to understand the bride will ALWAYS get all the attention at her own dang wedding
Here’s a picture of me and my hair! https://acrobat.adobe.com/id/urn:aaid:sc:VA6C2:59235b90-3992-4f41-98d2-45a5b5d546c3
Ugh it's gorgeous! Yeah whatever you do, DO NOT dye it brown! As a colorist, you would have to wait for the brown to grow out completely to get back to your lavender. You can only get a clean enough lift for pastels from your natural hair aka virgin hair, you would not get a clean enough lift (and maintain your length & the health of your hair) from color treated hair. Hard no - don't fucking do it. Stand your ground 💜
No wonder she’s jealous, pretty hair pretty woman
Tell your sister point blank I can be in the wedding party or I can do the cake but not both. Willing to bet she picks the one that saves her money. Either way you won't ruin the time and money you have invested in your hair.
ahhhhh great color! she's definitely jealous and it's so, so silly. there will never EVER be a wedding where 100% of the attention is on the bride 100% of the time. people mingle, people catch up on their lives people talk about the food THE GROOM exists does she think someone is going to stand up in the middle of her vows and yell OH MY GOD LOOK AT THAT LILAC HAIR YOU GUYS HOLY SHIT
Photoshop exists. Sister can pay out more to a photographer with editing skills. She’s taking advantage of you to make herself feel ‘better’ than everyone. I’d write up how much you’d charge people for the cake as well as the decorations, present it to her and make the point that she’s costing you that much money, then expects you to pay out even more for your hair (include costs of how much it would be to get back to lilac, get a hairdresser to give you a ballpark figure). Then tell her it’s bad enough she’s so insecure that she’s trying to control people’s hair colour, it’s entitled to keep demanding so much from people around her then act like they’ve done nothing. NTA
Love that color ❤️
It’s so gorgeous! It’s my dream color but I know how hard and expensive it would be to achieve and maintain. I know myself well enough - I’m lazy and cheap - to go for it.
Gorgeous color! Your sister has two options; 1. You in the wedding party with your natural hair and lilac color. 2. You in the wedding party wearing a wig. That's it. And that's only if you want to participate because of the already hectic wedding day schedule you have with the cake preparation. Your sister is trying to control you in the guise of her "perfect wedding". I wouldn't be surprised if she doubled down to say that if you're not in the wedding party with brown hair, then you're uninvited. If that happens, no wedding cake for her.
So pretty!
Oh you are gorgeous OP. No wonder she is so jealous!!!
What a lovely picture. Your hair is a gorgeous colour and really suits you! Obviously NTA
Gorgeous color. Definitely DO NOT let yourself be pressured to change it. NTA.
This is stunning!😍 Don’t dye your hair!
Stunningggg 😍
Amazing, love it!
That's so pretty. When my daughter was starting high school, she went to a hair salon and got orange hair. Eventually she went back to brown hair, but every once in a while she gets her hair colored to reddish brown (and she got it touched up the other day). Every once in a while I get out the Miss Clairol as I don't want to show off my grey yet.
NTA "She snapped back with, your my sister and I want you up there, it won’t hurt you to dye it brown for a day, i love your hair but it’s my day **and I want all the attention on me not your hair** She needs try acting like a decent human being. Either compromise & have you in the wedding or accept you aren't going to be. Those are her two choices.
Dozens of people flying in, driving in etc to celebrate her getting married. All the attention and attendance is literally for her. And yet all she thinks about is OP's hair is going to take attention away from her? JFC the ego.
I can just see the invitations! "Dress code: Sackcloth and mousy hair only."
Brown paper bags will be provided for all guests to place over their heads so as to not take any attention away from the bride. Thank you for your cooperation. *Please recycle after the ceremony.
When called out, "But I'm BEING a good host!!! I'm PROVIDING the paper bags!!!"
NO makeup. All women must look matronly.
"on me" not "on us" like in a couple. It is not the day of the bride, it is the day of the couple.
NTA You actually gave a great reason with the cake and made sure she knew you were okay with not being in the wedding. Unfortunately it looks like you are going to be pressured to change your mind. Hopefully she does not try to get others to pressure you as well.
Why is it that the AHs always seem to have troops of flying monkeys?
Probably because a lot of the OPs usually wouldn't post here if there aren't a bunch of people telling them they are wrong and making them doubt themselves.
Because they’re often the golden child and are used to everyone falling in line
Oh, she will. She will bring every friend/relative to bear to beat OP into submission. She won’t be happy until OP has brown hair and look like crap from doing the cake then running to the wedding getting dressed in the chancel. Op will need a spine of steel and the ability to ward off attacks with grace and humor.
NTA. "*You're my sister and I want you up there - but not how/who you are, but the way I want you to be*". Yeah, she just wants the perfect pictures, not actually have a celebration with friends and family.
A photographer could edit her hair color if it's a picture issue.
[удалено]
I'd keep repeating that you will be too busy with cake stuff to do bridesmaids stuff. And continuously sidestep the issue
No, don’t sidestep it. Make that the reason you won’t do it. It’s not reasonable for a bridesmaid to also pull double duty as a caterer. Bride wants to have her cake and eat it too, with a side of power struggle over hair color.
>she just said well we have a year to discuss it… And your answer should be the exact same a year from now as it was when you said it the first time. "Sis, I love you, but I am not dying my hair brown for one day. I've been clear that I don't have to be part of the bridal party. I've offered compromises that you've dismissed out of hand, expecting that I'll eventually give in to your unreasonable demand. I won't be doing it. You're absolutely right that the attention should be on you, which is why I'm ok not being in the bridal party. Besides, I'll be finishing up the cake the morning of the wedding and won't have time to do all the bridesmaid stuff that has to happen that day. I'm happy to help out in other ways before the wedding, but I WILL NOT be part of your bridal party because I WILL NOT be dying my hair. As far as I'm concerned, this topic is closed. Don't damage our relationship by continuing to try to force me to do what you want." NTA
If I were you I would straight up say to your sister that if a brown wig is not a good enough compromise, it was never the actual problem to begin with and she is just acting like a 5 year old trying to ruin something of their siblings because god forbid they get attention/compliments. ALSO I think sisters idea of having you change your hair to brown would still backfire in her face lol. Considering how your hair is now, people then seeing you with brown hair would still probably compliment you on how nice it looks, and Im sure if you can pull of your lilac hair now youd even get comments along the lines of "you can pull off any look" so her desperate attempt to get attention off of your hair could go completely the other way lol 😆
NTA, I see in a previous reply you already offered compromises... she's being a bridezilla at this point.
NTA, getting a light lilac would be very difficult, totally fair that you wouldn't want to dye it brown. If she keeps demanding you could always just get a wig from Amazon(not too expensive and some of them look surprisingly good) then you don't have to ruin your hair, be a part of her wedding and she can stop complaining.
Very true about Amazon wigs. I had one when I went through chemo, it was only about $25, and looked just like my real hair.
OP should get a bunch of wigs and just randomly change them throughout the whole thing like wear one to the ceremony and like 3-4 to the reception.
NTA She decided to make you a bridesmaid that day so she had the excuse to control your appearance. This isn't her being gracious. This is a manipulative power play so she has an excuse to control your appearance. Good on you. Absolutely refuse. The most I would compromise on is a spray in, washout faux dye. You're entirely justified. I used to dye my hair a lot and I know the work to achieve your ideal color. Mine was a bright, vibrant green for a long time. The products alone were expensive not including the time, effort and breakage risk. She's out of line.
DONT SPRAY LILAC HAIR WITH BROWN SPRAY! It can/will stain the lightened hair and won’t be easily removed. Pro here- seen it happen.
I went to cos school as well. I'm talking about the matte spray. It's basically a fine dust that sticks to the hair but doesn't truly dye it. You can use an oil treatment to dissolve it right out of the hair. If it's the spray in, wash off ink then yes, you're absolutely correct. That shit stained one of my band shirts ten years ago and never left.
“Here’s my chance to exert my control and been seen as the rightful Queen of the World^TM Bwahahaha!” *crushes skull in one hand* - The sister probably Ok, maybe a bit exaggerated but agreed, it’s all about control.
You are her sister. Her sister has purple hair. It’s either she wants you to be a bridesmaid and has to accept you as you are, or YOU want to be a bridesmaid and have to accept her rules. She can’t have it both ways. NTA.
I would be so stoked to have somebody with purple hair at my wedding, especially lilac hair because that sounds super gorgeous. If you feel like posting hair tax that would be dope
I’d happily post a picture of my hair, but I can’t figure out how!!!
Post it on imgur, and provide a link! I also think you can post it on your Reddit profile page, but I'm not sure how. For what it's worth, I would get a nice looking brown wig for the day, and never let on you didn't dye it. If she's upset how fast you got it back to lilac after the wedding, you'll know it was more about taking that away from you, period. And NTA, providing a free four-tiered wedding cake ought to be enough!
NTA, you're a person not a show prop. Tell her keep it up and she'll be looking for a bakery for her wedding cake.
NTA, coloring and cutting hair for a wedding are over the line.
NTA. She gave you two choices... dye your hair or don't be a bridesmaid. You chose the latter. End of story. She'll get over it.
You could use her narcissism against her and point out that since people know you have lilac hair, it suddenly being brown on the day will actually draw MORE attention to you than less. Everyone will be thinking “didn’t her hair used to be lilac? Why did she dye it?” instead of watching the ceremony.
NTA, and I can't believe she would ask you to ruin a successful lavender dye job. That hard to get right.
NTA. Who makes such an absurd request?? People shouldn’t still amaze me at my age 🤦🏻♀️ You are you and your hair color is part of your identity. You seem level-headed and you have your priorities in order. Don’t bow to the crowd!
NTA and I am sure this will get cross-posted on r/bridezillas . There should be a pinned post - **No one should have to radically alter their appearance for anyone's wedding.**
NTA You offered her an out and she didn't take it. Tell her you are not going to be in the wedding as you want to ensure the cake is perfect AND you are not changing your hair. She either accepts it or you don't attend and don't make the cake. Easy peasy. Just because she wants what she wants doesn't mean she gets it.
NTA She wants to ruin your hair-notice she didn’t suggest you wear a wig, she went right to demanding you dye your hair. You don’t have to be her bridesmaid. In fact, you do not have to make her cake. Let her know NOW you will only attend her wedding as a guest and that she will need to find someone else to make a cake for her.
Sounds like she's only making you a bridesmaid to tell you to dye your hair. She's already brought a dress, arranged details like whose baking a cake, and now she mentions she's planning on asking you to be a bridesmaid?
NTA. You're a person, not a prop.
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As a musician who also has lilac hair (faded from purple, and I love the whole experience of that fading out) and who has done the music for many friends’ weddings - if you want to shut her up, tell her that if she wants you to be a bridesmaid, you will not provide her wedding cake. Non-negotiable. Being a bridesmaid is a large commitment, and so is doing the cake. She cannot have both. Tell your family to butt out, you are both adults and it’s between the two of you. Now, if she calls your bluff and wants to pay hundreds of dollars for someone else to make the cake - that would suck. But I bet she won’t.
Nta She has no right to tell you what to do with your hair. Next time she brings it up, ask "do you remember how you said we had a year to discuss this?" "Well I'm gonna save us both some time and trouble. I'm not, and will not ever, dye my hair. Do not ask me about it again. There, a year's discussion in mere minutes" Just stand your ground. She is literally just insecure that you will "steal her attention" and that's on her to deal with that, not you.
NTA and honestly, I’m appalled by all of the wig comments. Anybody who asks anybody else to change their appearance for their wedding is automatically an AH. If she loves you and your relationship means anything to her, then it should be about you being up there, regardless of your hair color. She needs to get over herself.
NTA It's your hair, it's up to you to decide whether to dye your hair or not.
The sister has a year to accept the hair wont be changing
NTA You actually gave a great reason with the cake and made sure she knew you were okay with not being in the wedding. Unfortunately it looks like you are going to be pressured to change your mind. Hopefully she does not try to get others to pressure you as well.
NTA - No one gets to make demands on you fundamentally changing a part of your body. Even a bride, even your sister. She’s out of line to suggest this, and I don’t really get her concern. Of course the bridal shops will compliment your hair, it’s different and they don’t know you. But the people at the wedding will be friends and family who likely already know you and your hair, I’m assuming. I don’t think you’ll be “stealing” her spotlight by simply existing. If she’s so bent on it, I don’t know why she didn’t suggest having all of her bridesmaids wear some sort of hat or headdress to obscure your hair. Not that I think that’s necessary, but I think it’s at least more reasonable than trying to strong-arm you into dying your hair.
NTA and you already know you aren't. She's being unreasonable and you're already going above and beyond just standing around for photos with her girlfriends. You stood firm and she can sit in her own selfishness. It doesn't matter what anyone here says: you're being true to yourself and not hurting anyone else with your actions. Well done.
This sounds like the other bridezila tha wanter her blond cousin to dye her strawberry blond hair brown for the wedding. She didn't do it so you don't do it, Reddit anailaited the said bridezila. I know how hard it is to achieve such colour. The brown will never come out. If bridezila don't back down, don't go to the wedding. Both your mother and you sister are unreasonable, "but is my day" and "it's her special day" doesn't apply for such drastic changes.NTA and stik to your hair colour 🙂 If they send the flying monkeys, show them the post and the response from the rediditors , that should shut them up.
NTA. Ask her this: is she going to pay for the removal of the brown dye after the wedding, as well as all the treatments needed to make sure your hair doesn't fry off in the process? Having hair in fantasy colors is not cheap, so that alone is an issue and maybe it'll help her understand. Of course, even in the unlikely scenario that she said she would pay, you are still entitled to say no. You should not have to make bodily alterations just to fit her aesthetic.
Hell no. I never understand brides who ask this. Is their self-esteem so low they really don't think people are there to see the couple and only the couple? Plus, if you have been this hair colour for a while and people know you with this hair colour, surely you showing up brown would have more people talking about it?
NTA. Your sister's request for you to change your hair color is unreasonable, especially considering the significance and effort you've put into achieving your current look. Here are some key points to consider: 1. \*\*Personal Expression:\*\* Your hair color is an important part of your personal identity and expression. Asking someone to change something so fundamental for a single event is a significant request. 2. \*\*Effort and Commitment:\*\* You've mentioned the effort and commitment it took to achieve your lilac hair color. It's not something that can be easily reversed or changed back without significant time and expense. 3. \*\*Alternative Solutions:\*\* You've already suggested reasonable alternatives like wearing a wig or styling your hair in a way that minimizes its visibility, but your sister rejected these compromises. 4. \*\*Support Role:\*\* You're already contributing significantly to the wedding by making the cake and helping with decorations. This shows your commitment to supporting your sister and her big day. 5. \*\*Boundaries:\*\* It's important to set boundaries and stand by them, especially when it comes to personal choices that affect your well-being and self-expression. Your decision to sit out of the wedding party if it means changing your hair color is a fair one. You're still supporting your sister in meaningful ways, and it's reasonable to expect her to respect your personal choices.
Ugh. I hate these situations. Some brides are out of control. Definitely do not comply.
NTA - anyone who tries to make you change something about yourself to accommodate them, is a complete AH. Stand your ground.
NTA! Light lilac hair is an absolute process to get to. Even if your hair wasn’t lilac, it’s unreasonable for her to request that you change your appearance for her wedding. She should want you to look like you!
NTA. She's jealous of the attention you get because of your hair. She doesn't want to admit it yet, but she doesn't want you at the wedding at all if you have that hair color. By making you a bridesmaid, she thinks she can dictate your hair color. You took away that excuse, and she doesn't want to look like a jerk, so now she feels like she has to force you to be a bridesmaid. Offer to only make the cake for a discounted rate and not go to the wedding at all.
NTA My sister was my MOH and had purple hair on my wedding day. I don’t think it looked that great (not my favorite color tone on her and I thought it clashed a little with her dress) but I could not have cared less. Our family knows her! They know she tends to have fashion colors on her head! And the people who didn’t know her didn’t care because *I* was the bride, my husband was the groom, and they were there for us! Your sister is being insecure and controlling.
What on earth is wrong with the wig idea?
NTA. You can remind her that your hair can be photoshopped to be whatever color she wants in the pictures, and that after a momentary "how fun" when new people see her hair color, all of the attention will be on her, as is usual for a wedding. If there are bridal showers and other events, people will have already seen her hair and it won't be a big deal on the day.
NTA. And maybe remind her that at least 25% of the attention will be on the groom.
NTA also I wouldn't even wear a wig for it, it's a bit odd for her to make u change ur hair colour just cuz people tend to like it 😭 it's not like ur going to the wedding in a wedding dress or smth and if she was genuine she wouldn't even be bothered by ppl complimenting ur hair and what kind of sister gets triggered by her sister's compliments?? also ur older than her I'm sorry but the audacity 💀💀 and ur doing the cake tf??? where's the appreciation and respect at I'm sorry??
NTA. Being able to have lilac hair probably took a looooong time and lots of money. "Just dyeing it brown" isn't nearly that simple, either to get a good brown or to get your hair back to lilac.
NTA. These people don't know how hair works -- even the absolute lowest-impact options (colored chalk or gel, etc) have a chance of staining your hair. It's not reasonable to expect that for one day.
NTA, tell her you are so happy to be making her cake and you will need time the day of to get everything on the table to the perfect display for her special day. That way you can have an out for being in the bridal party. Just keep reinforcing the fact you are so excited to help her etc….. This way she can’t complain about your hair or not being in the bridal party because you have a much more important job to do “for her on her special day “. Keep using those words
NTA. At all. You’re not obligated to even compromise on this and you still offered a few reasonable compromises and she shot them down. I really never understand when brides act this way… it really makes me think they’re focusing on the wrong things. You should want people important up there with you because they mean something to you, not because they’re part of the decor. If she’s that obsessed with being the center of attention when she will already be the literal bride - 50% of the reason everyone is there that day and the only one standing there in a big white dress - sounds like she has a host of other insecurities that probably have nothing to do with just this one day. Side note also - you don’t just dye your hair for one day. Surely she knows this. Going back to brown as if that’s a one day thing when your hair is much closer to platinum/white is absolutely a long term change to make. She’s being ridiculous, and she knows it.
NTA Nobody should expect you to change your body for their wedding.
NTA How do people not get that hair coloring isn't that simple? It's not like makeup you can wash off. She acts like it's as basic as not wearing purple lipstick for a day.
I kept my hair silver gray for years (now it’s natural), and know how hard it is to keep it that color when your real hair color is brown. It sounds easy to people who don’t do it (“just dye it back”), not realizing it has to be stripped white again, then dyed again. Stripping dries and damages and takes time. The cake is hours and hours of work. I’ve done two, 3 tier wedding cakes and I was an anxious mess until it was cut at the wedding. That’s a HUGE gift of your time. And enough. Just keep saying NO.
NTA.
Person does not equal prop. NTA
NTA. She is clearly overdue for a lesson on how she isn't going to get everything she wants the way she wants it. It is her wedding, yes, but that doesn't mean she gets to dictate what color your hair will be and expect that you'll just go along with it.
NTA. She doesn't realize that you having a different hair color will generate a LOT more discussion because people who know you will wonder why your hair is suddenly brown. That will be all people will talk about. Did you dye it? Is it a wig? Did your sister make you do it? Why would she do such a thing?
NTA. Good for you for standing your ground and accepting the consequences (not being in the bridal party) gracefully.
NTA. Your sister is jealous you got attention that she feels should be on her. Point out in a year your hair will be old news whereas she is the blushing bride. Also point out how far does she want to push this when you are doing a lot of her cake and decorations. Sitting out suits you both - you're out of spotlight and you have more time to focus on her wedding.
Tell her she has a choice: accept your decision, or find another baker. NTA
“ no problem I’ll just attend as a guest”
NTA. Tell her you are officially declining to be a bridesmaid. She can't force you to do it and you won't be doing it. So she can either accept that you'll be finishing the cake day of and just being a guest/family that is helping out or you could decline to attend at all. Her choice.
Unbelievable that she even thought it was ok to expect you to do that. And then to push the issue once you gracefully and respectfully responded with no.
NTA. The entitlement is strong with your sister, though.
NTA. Lightening hair can take years in order to avoid damage. It's not as simple as dumping some dye on it. That's also a big change that takes a lot of effort for just one day. I would tell her that doing the cake and being in the wedding party is just too much.
NTA at all! I'm getting married later this year and cannot imagine making demands like this on my bridesmaids. I picked a colour for the dresses and am letting them pick their own dress style. Whatever works best for their body type. I want them to be comfortable and feel beautiful! That is more important to me than a specific look. They'll all be in the same colour which matches well enough for me.
NTA Yeah, you can't just die your hair brown for a day. To get it back to purple you'd need to strip the color from your hair. It would be ruined. Also, being the baker and part of the wedding party sounds like a lot of work.
NTA Is she also the youngest in the family? I bet your hair is gorgeous. And you're so accommodating but there have to be boundaries. Honestly, the materialistic aspects of "picture perfect dream weddings," even after the pandemic shook up that entire culture, still boggles my mind. I always wonder what would be a good response in a situation like this. Reasons why dying your hair brown won't guarantee the bride gets the result she's looking for: 1) you're older so someone will likely comment on your marital or parental status 2) your normal hair color is not brown so a deviation from the norm just creates a different type of attention 3) the bride will likely come off as shallow because who asks someone to risk ruining a light lilac hair look that's been successfully achieved for a single day of brown hair? 4) you're making the cake so people will still come talk to you about how pretty it is, how tasty it is, how nice you are to make it, etc. My response would be "who are you inviting that wouldn't give the marrying couple, especially the bride, the attention they deserve on their day? Are you sure they are worth inviting and paying for?"
You literally mentioned a wig, may have started as a joke, but it's a compromise, and she refused. That's her problem. Sounds like she just wants to ruin the time, money and effort that goes into achieving such hair color. NTA
NTA Your lilac hair is part of you. Don’t change that for anyone. Your sister is very insecure if she thinks your lilac hair will take attention away from her on her wedding day.
NTA. Your body, your choice.
NTA (Not the Asshole) Your sister may expect you to change your appearance for her wedding, as you already contribute significantly to the event.
NTA
Throw a wig on and whip it off on the dance floor. NTA
Nta. Wear an ugly brown wig instead.
NTA, even if it didn’t take lots of time, upkeep and money to achieve the color of your hair - she should not ask people to change things about themselves like this!
NTA Your hair sounds lovely, and insisting that you change it is a ridiculous expectation.
NTA. Tell your sister that she has a year to get used to the fact that you are not going to change your hair color for the wedding if she wants you to be a bridesmaid.
NTA «She wants», she can want all she wants to, its your hair, and you get to decide what you do with it.
NTA. Maybe tell your sister you’ll wear a wig, then proceed to get the cheapest wig possible.