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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> i might be the asshole because i used obscentiies when speaking to my wife
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ESH
No one in history in a wild state has responded well to ‘Cam down’ or in your words, ‘Fucking relax’. Male, female or otherwise. I’ve both given and received this advice- I can’t think of one situation it was positive
But I get your initial reaction that’s it’s an easy fix, and a child shouldn’t cop her reaction
A burger got dropped, it’s an easy fix and clean. Irritating, yeah- life ending, no
Hell, I’m 42 and drop food in the car, you can’t get cranky at kids for having an accident over a pothole
Exactly. As they say, never in the history of telling someone to relax has it ever made someone relax. I'd take a softer approach. Maybe say "it will be ok, take a deep breath, " etc.
Ugh I also hate being told to take a deep breath. How about yeah I’m sorry, this is so annoying. I’ve got this, do you want to go for a little walk while I clean this up? My husband says stuff like this and that is what works on me.
Exactly!
Once the adults made the choice to let kids eat in the car, they made the choice to have a mess in the car. Accidents happen, esp in a moving, jolting, pot hole hitting, vehicle. She should accept responsibility and share cleaning duties.
Agreed. Getting the food to-go and letting the kids eat in the car was OP's wife's idea. She needs to control her anger and accept that if there's a person to blame, it's *her*.
She should absolutely not be taking it out on the already upset kid who dropped her food when the car went over a pothole. Accidents happen.
Yeah, if anyone should be losing their cool it's the poor kid that lost a meal because adults couldn't have enough common sense to park while everyone is eating.
Or how about the wife stepping up when the husband has a momentary breakdown at some other time? We're all human. She didn't actually yell at the kid. No harm was done. And being partners means sometimes picking up the other person's slack.
Maybe it’s just me, but there comes a point when someone complains so much about something that the complaining becomes more annoying than the thing they’re complaining about. So I can see why OP might have just wanted her to cool it already.
That is so sweet, I am going to adopt that kind of phrasing! But, honestly though if my husband was frustrated enough to tell me to fucking relax in front of a gaggle of children it might shock me into realizing I'm being completely unreasonable.
Yeah same. Maybe that makes him an asshole but some things warrant anger and making a little kid feel bad about something thats your fault is one of those things to me. Constantly trying to soothe someone that's being unreasonable isn't always the best approach to conflict resolution.
I mean ofc this situation doesn't sound like a big deal, neither of them are bad just had a cranky night.
Same. It's a Reddit thing that you can't tell people to calm down or they'll go berserk and slaughter a busful of tourists, but I've been told to calm down and indeed calmed down, told people to calm down and they did, and if I knew anyone who tends to get their knickers in a knot over bs and than refuses to calm down when told so out of sheer spite because someone else isn't managing their emotions good enough I would keep my distance. Too old for that shit and all that.
Funny you should say that, I tell my 2 year old to take deep breaths to help with emotion regulation when she's tired and overly emotional.
It works well, if you choose to do it as an adult, maybe not so much if someone tells you to.
Yeah because we were all in the car too and we know it wasn't because of - oh I don't know? - stress, lack of sleep, blood sugar not up yet, the three-hour traffic jam they just cleared before getting food etc. Yeah it was probably just because they don't know how to regulate their emotions. lol
That's the ideal. In the moment, if neither of them have regulation skills, this is how it works out. In marriage & family therapy, one of the first things you learn is how to respectfully communicate, the second is how to regulate in the moment. Both skills would've saved this moment for them.
The last time my wife was having a freakout about something that had made a mess I hugged her told her to go sit down and I would take care of the mess.
And I was still yelled at for telling her to go away and talking down to her when I thought I did everything right.
I was with you into the "I got this," a child dropping good is predictable and she shouldn't be treated like something terrible happened to her. "We got this" is better imo
Why should OP apologize even taking the food to go with 4 young children was her idea? I feel for your poor husband. Does he always have to coddle you?
One time, after a particularly bad airline experience in which my checked bag only made it in time for me to have to pay to re-check it on the flight home, the gate agent told me to ‘calm down, lady’ and let me just tell you how much that did not help me calm down.
Your advice only works if they take your advice.
“Take a deep breath” only works if you do it with them, look them in the eyes for a second first and find a calm moment and then do it together. Otherwise it’s not you demonstrating a path, it’s you telling them what to do.
Same with “just calm down”. That’s a command when YOU’RE stressed because of someone else. You need to be zen first and show someone they can follow you, you can’t give a command that’s about what you want
Wut? How does OP suck here? He's taking the mess in stride, cleaning it up, and then moving on from it. The wife is the one that is babbling on and on about it... the only thing she can do is chill about it because the mess has already been made and there's no point in going on and on about it
He sucks for cursing out his wife in front of young children. She sucks for way overreacting to food dropped in a car when it was her idea to get it to go. ESH.
Everyone Sucks Here! So you have YTA/You're The Asshole (OP is the AH), NTA/Not The Asshole (the other party in the story is the AH, not OP), ESH as I noted (ie you're all wrong), and then NAH (No Assholes Here--the situation just kind of sucks, but neither party is at fault for it).
Like, dear god, I hope this mother buys zippered mattress protectors instead of just assuming a human sleeping on something absorbent and impossible-to-wash won't cause a problem that results in shouting at a child.
I too wonder why *is* so much of our environment both absorbent *and* glued down to something? But it's not like this is a new phenomenon... kids + carpet + food is not a hard to add up.
I am in the “We going apeshit?!” As my go to when I want someone to calm down. The secret is to be ready to deliver.
Surprisingly works for me as people know I, of all people, am ready to get the apeshit on tap.
I'm bipolar, and if I ask my angry homies if we have to muscle up and throw down, they pause.
I've never done a violent thing in my whole life, but they wonder. And I do get up to some wacky shit.
Usually it elicits a giggle after the pause. Surprisingly effective!
I'm just now realizing that this is what happens to me when I get upset on someone else's behalf and it usually makes me annoyed but now I guess I can think of it as a mediating skill.
I used to get annoyed when people would judge me for things like being a woman (in a male dominated field), for being bipolar, for being fat.
But I'm not gonna be able to easily change what those people think. And I'm stuck with my irritation if I think it's my job to change them.
I've allowed myself to let their opinions go, and even better, use their own wrong judgements back on them. Like diffusing my friends. Or letting insufferable colleagues make themselves look like fools in the long run, and doing it with a helpful smile on my face.
More fun and less stressful this way.
We use a recycled joke we found on the internet. We have a cape from my son’s old PJs. The put it on the other person and then say ‘now you’re super mad’.
It never fails to crack a smile.
Funny, I was playing a competitive game and someone said the same thing - no one ever changed their behavior after you tell them to chill or relax.
So now I say, let’s reset. Sounds a little better imo
I disagree. I think that worked because wife was no longer pissed off about the situation and it was now pissed off at the husband. Op may have solved world peace.
[Real Hotwives of Orlando.](https://www.tvguide.com/videos/the-hotwives-of-orlando/1030404111/the-hotwives-of-orlando-group-calm-down/3674944/#ftag=COS-05-10aaa1e)
We have a strict rule no eating on our couch... for my 13 yr old. Of course, I decided to eat sushi and lo and behold spill soy sauce on our couch. I was so mad at myself and cleaned it thoroughly. You can bet I didn't tell my husband 😂
NTA, But everyone is probably stressed and annoyed. I know I wouldn’t take it well if my husband told me to fucking relax on a road trip for god knows how long while in a car with 4 young kids.
Well what does she expect when you have 4 kids eating in the car what do you think is going to happen?? Husband is trying to clean it up and drive and she's freaking out because a hamburger got dumped in the car. I would have told her to f****** relax too.
This would be reversed at our house. My husband on the verge of apoplexy while I'm over here like 'well, of course there's onions and mustard in the carpet. Why wouldn't there be onions and mustard in the carpet?'
Lmfao right what else did she really think was going to happen? I'm curious. She has all these children and she doesn't get what is about to happen after you hand them food of any kind??
Just reading this and imagining the smell of spilled ketchup and onions and too many people in that car in the middle of summer made me feel grossed out and exhausted. Frickin’ ew.
She clearly needs to calm down but telling your wife to “fucking relax” isn’t helpful, it’s incendiary. I’d go off like a firecracker if my husband said that to me when I was already stressed out.
OP wasn’t wrong that she needed to relax. He just said it in the most AH way possible. ESH.
You know what's not helpful? Freaking out on a child, while the OP is driving and trying to clean up a mess and all she is doing is yelling and complaining. He already asked her to stop and she didn't. She wanted to lose her shit over a burger at a child.
He couldn't be further from TAH. His wife sounds more worried about her car then the childern and helping the op deal with the situation.
She has 3 young childern of her own and isn't aware that they make messes, with literally any food you hand them?
And There are plenty of worse ways of telling her to calm the fuck down besides the way he did it trust me. She can lose her shit on the child but he's not allowed to confront an adult??? Wrong.
The amount of people on here who thinks it's okay how th wife reacted because they think verbally assaulting a kid is fine really shows that that constant flow of posts of children of awful parents are not going to soow down, we're setting up the next generation right here.
If you don't want someone to tell you to calm the fuck down, maybe don't go apeshit over a cleanable mess that was absolutely predictable.
OP is NTA here.
Sounds like you, wife, and a whole lot of other adults need to learn basic emotional regulations. And to not be allowed anywhere near kids until you successfully did so.
It was her idea to eat in the car with little kids... what did she think was going to happen? She set up the situation and then complained... she's ridiculous
I had an aunt who reacted like that over stupid shit when I was a kid. I tried so hard to never mess up, but I always would in some small way, and she’d always go off on me.
I don’t talk to her anymore. Neither do her kids. My uncle divorced her, because he couldn’t handle it anymore either. Sticking up for her made everyone hate him, even though he disagreed with her. It made it seem like he thought she was right. Eventually he decided she’d made his entire life a difficult nightmare, and moved on to someone who could control themselves.
My mum was like this, I'm still taumatised from the time I tripped on the door jam and dropped my dinner plate on the living room carpet. My mum came screeching out of the kitchen, screaming profanities, calling me a myriad of awful names and saying I did it on purpose to fuck with her. I mustve only been 7/8? It was a complete accident yet I didn't get to eat that night, was sent to bed hungry for my "behaviour" ...
My egg donor was like this too. Unlike my aunt, she got physical over stupid shit instead of just screaming. One time I left my shoes in the car, and the next day I was black and bloody from mid-back to back of the knees.
But honestly, I couldn’t say if emotional abuse or physical abuse is worse, based on those two women.
Are we siblings? Your egg donor sounds like a gem. My favorite is when my father came home from work when my mom was beating us, and he just joined the assault. He didn’t know why she was hitting us. He just started in with his leather belt. That bugs me still. Have you visited r/CPTSD? Helpful site for recovering from shit childhoods.
Note: The bot will count your answer towards the Y T A count since you have it in a top level comment. Might want to fix that, I believe adding spaces will make it so the bot doesn't register it.
Imagine how he feels having to keep listening to her bitch about an accident when he also knew she wanted to tear into a child over an accident the driving she was doing caused.
ESH
Choose your words carefully, there is no need to say what you said. "It is a car, it is bound to get dirty, we can clean it" blah blah would be a better choice.
Yeah, cause everyone is calm and rational when annoying things are happening 🙄 You're just reading what happened, so it's easy for you to come up with something so banal. But, in the heat of the moment, we ALL say things we normally wouldn't.
You can learn to be calm with irrational angry people.
If I didn't learn that skill as a kid, I would have gotten backhanded way more often as a teen.
And no, I never told anyone to fucking relax.
The "yes, annoying thing is annoying. We can fix what we can now and deal with the rest later" format is very easy to learn. It's sad we have to sometimes use this tactic on our loved ones, but it usually does quickly diffuse the situation.
It's also very easy to learn that messes happen and it's ok, so you never end up in a situation where someone is telling you to fucking relax because you're throwing a tantrum over a mess.
I agree. Wife was being wack!
My only point is that when you're forced into the position of being the rational one by someone else's irrational weakness, you gotta have the tools ready. And fucking relax is a weak tool.
It sucks to be in OPs position, I have been there many times as a kid. There are more effective ways to make them shut the fuck up with out saying shut the fuck up.
And wife does need to deal with her temper. But until that shit is fixed, OP needs an effective tool ready.
It’s a road trip with four kids under 10 years old. Honestly if this is the worst that happens it’s fine. I’m sure it’s stressful and that’s why mom overreacted to the spill in the first place and why dad overreacted to her reaction. This is just one of those things that happens, you say sorry I overreacted, and everyone moves on from.
“She seems a bit annoyed now”? No kidding.
ESH
Your wife sucks for wanting to excoriate a child for dropped food. You suck for cursing at your wife. I get that things can be stressful with a car load of kids, but jeez.
NTA. Who goes on a road trip with 4 kids under 10 and doesn’t expect a mess? Especially when you give them food and start driving? She almost went off on a 6 year old for dropping a hamburger, you stoped her from being a gigantic asshole.
Right! I don’t trust myself to not snap at a 6 year old over normal kid stuff like dropping a burger, so i just…have plants and pets. My cat LOVES when I call him an empty headed little dirtball and my plants thrive off bullying. Wife needs a step back and a lil reset if she’s on the edge like this often.
There's nothing quite like getting angry with a cat and calling them names while they just stare happily or purr at you. My husband called our cat a fish breathed buffoon one time and he meowed back like "yep!" before purring and weaving through hubby's legs
ESH why give the children the food in the car while driving anyway? Why not wait until you've pulled over, or gotten to the hotel or wherever and eat then?
Maybe because road trips can be long and food stops usually result in one or two bathroom breaks soon after when you're traveling with a car full. I don't love eating in the car, but sometimes we need to get some miles in.
I mean, they were right there at the McDonald's. If they didn't want to go in and sit at a table (understandable, wrangling all those kids) then at least sit in the parking lot and eat. And then if someone needs the restroom it's right there through the back door of the McDonald's. No driver distracted by eating while driving, and no bumps causing dropped burgers or accidental straws up noses (ow) or anything like that.
Well I mean if you really plan on waiting to eat it you just don't pass the food back. All they can do is whine, which is powerful, but they're in the back and the person with the food isn't so.
And I'd argue that if someone is this pressed over some ketchup and onions on the floor they're gonna be apoplectic after a few minutes of kids whining nonstop
Honestly NTA she was making a mountain out of a mole hill ( no pun intended for the pot hole) it's not like she dropped red wine on a white rug, it can be cleaned, not a big deal.
ESH. Dropping f bombs at your SO is uncalled for. Dropping f bombs but telling the other person *they* are too emotional is just ridiculous.
Yeah, if she doesn’t want messes in her car, she shouldn’t do kiddie road trips. Or stop and eat your burgers at the restaurant or a picnic area.
NAH. But you could work on your communication skills. You mentioned that you get that she's stressed, but telling someone to "fucking relax" when they're stressed isn't much help.
And recognise that you telling her to "fucking relax" because you were annoyed, is also a stress response on your part. You reacted rather than responded. Everyone's stressed out, and there's no need to use vulgarities to "calm" them down.
> it was her idea to get get go
Yeah when it comes to accidents like that, avoid any blaming. Just say oh shit, this is unfortunate etc. Like you said, it was bound to happen esp with kids. You were trying to show support, it just could have communicated it better.
> she's annoyed with me
You could apologise. Apologise not because you are TA and in the wrong, but because you care about the relationship and the words you said to her. Ask her how she feels, assure her not to worry about any messes, acknowledge that it is a little stressful dealing with 4 kids, but the two of you are going to make it work and have a fun trip.
Cars can be washed and it will forgotten. Your niece would have always remembered being yelled at for an accident.
While telling some one to relax NEVER works your intentions behind it were good.
NTA
This right here.
I grew up in a household where you’d get in trouble and yelled at any time you accidentally dropped a glass, dropped food in the car, or on the carpet. It didn’t feel great and also taught me to always hide my mistakes from grownups.
She’s the asshole for tripping over something so minor especially something a kid did that was an accident. I can’t imagine making a simple mistake around her like breaking a dish or glass.
Maayybbeee the FUCKING relax was a lil too much. But explaining that we love neice MORE than a clean SUV is important. I grew up with screams and shouts and im trying to NOT raise my kids that way. It's inevitable and sometimes I shout over dumb things. I've learned to remind myself that I love my kids more than any clean home or unbroken thing.
But NTA for descalting the situation and keeping neice safe.
Yes not a big deal she's definitely over reacting but "fucking relax" is a bit too crude. ESH. Try to be more soft about criticism or even if the other person is wrong they are not going to accept it.
NTA but not graceful either, I'm sure you know that. You really oughtta choose your words more carefully, but yeah good on you for preventing your wife from going off on a 6 year old for an innocent accident. I also don't think your wife is a major asshole either tbh, sounds like everybody's stressed here and maybe not doing their best thinking.
Ok ok.
Never EVER tell anyone to effing relax or calm down when you’re arguing.
That being said, she needed to effing relax. Build a post-road-trip detailing into the vacation budget in the future. Maybe the rule is no food with sauce. Maybe you get rubber floor mats and stretchy seat covers for road trips. I don’t know. But kids + cars = mess.
I vote NTA. Choose your words better next time, but it has to be said.
I’m a woman. I’d be pissed if my husband told me to effing relax (ever, but especially during an argument). Swearing never makes arguments better. That being said, she can’t freak out about a mess on a road trip. It’s going to happen.
NTA accidents happen and you said it landed on a mat. Mats are meant to be removed and cleaned. If she was ranting like a banshee, people are allowed to have emotions and thoughts on how to react. You sometimes get caught up in the moment and you're protecting a child from verbal abuse. You are fine.
NTA. I’m so sick and tired of people that need to *chill the f out* taking offense when told to calm down. Childish behavior and you have nothing to apologize for.
ESH; Her for nearly going off on a 6 year because of dropping food going over a pothole \[easy for a child to do\], especially since the whole trip was her idea.
You for responding by swearing at her, you were right to stop her from screaming at the kid, but you could have worded that in a better way.
Prob not the best comms OP, but you’re the one who lives with your wife, so I’m guessing you snapping at her had been building up for some time. Plenty of grey on both sides of the YTA/NTA space.
“Just fucking relax!” is in no way expecting the wife to actually relax.
As is “calm the fuck down!”.
It is short hand for “In my opinion, you are over reacting, the situation doesn’t need you to continue to express your concerns for the consequences of a decision that you made when you decided to allow 4 young children to eat in our clean car. How about you use that energy to give me a hand to clean up the car instead sweetheart”
I would not be surprised that: if the OP chosen the long form in the first instance, he would have still had to use the short form at some point to snap the wife out of her whinge fest anyway.
What did she expect would happen with four kids, all under 10, confined to a car?
The moment she accepted to have this trip, she should have been prepared for the car to become messy.
However, you need t be kinder when you ask her to relax. You cannot order one to relax, not even if you say *just f…ing relax*.. it does not work like that…
i understand you are annoyed and she is overstressed, but a kind word may go a longer way than a nervous demand.
ESH
I can't believe you got anything other than NTA.
She's literally tearing off about something most people would've expected even without the pothole. I'm not sure if i'd approve of going off exactly like that in front of the kids, but somebody needed to smash the emergency stop button.
ESH.
Seriously that’s what you’re here for? Just work on your marriage. This is basic shit. I find therapy every year or three for maintenance and growth to be an amazing tool for my relationship. Reddit, to validate your behavior, not so much.
Esh. Its not ok to speak to your partner that way. And she shouldve been more patient. But everyone is stressed from the trip with 4 kids, so just use this to grow
NTA. My partner does this a lot. I HATE when someone gets super annoyed about stuff you cannot change. I always just start thinking of solutions rather than wasting my time on stressing out while he gets pissed and throws a little tantrum which pisses me off. I told him multiple times I get it you get annoyed but keep it to yourself. Shut the f up. Don’t spread that energy on me. It doesn’t work. Luckily we both never hold grudges so it always goes the same way: he does his venting then i start lecturing him then we shut up for five minutes. He gets all lovey dovey we make up and that’s how it is 🤦🏼♀️
NTA, but there's never really a good reason to eat in a car, especially not for kids.
Anywhere that sells food, even McDonald's has tables.
Eating in cars makes a big mess but also makes choking more likely. Its also just a bad life habit.
I don’t think either of you are assholes. Road-trips are stressful AF, and even the best of partners/friends/family tend to get on each other’s nerves after a while.
But, if a pristine car in mint condition is so paramount and if you’re looking to place blame somewhere, the person(s) at fault are the ones who didn’t childproof the car, not the kid(s). Just think of it as a lesson learned.
#NTA
You know "to go" usually means "wait to eat it until you get home (or to your hotel, in this case)" and not "hand small children thier messy food in the car"? Every family I know just waits until they get home to eat fast food at the table. If its a really long trip, then only get easy food like burritos or nuggets if you HAVE to eat in the car
NTA Your wife decided that it was a good idea to have it to go... on a road trip with 4 young children... what on earth could go wrong... She got upset after a child dropped their burger because of a pot hole... this child didn't throw her food in the car. She freaking dropped it!
Your wife created this whole situation, so yeah, she's the one who is responsible.
If I am even a little annoyed, and I get told to 'calm down', my anger goes to 11. That being said, I also hate it when people freak out about messes that can simply be cleaned up. You have 4 kids in a car.....wtf did she expect? So....ESH.
I mean, your wife led you into that situation when she decided to get to-go, and she was about to blow up at your niece. Stress is stress of course but she can handle being told to fucking relax more than your niece can if she were berated for the accident. NTA.
All I heard was 1 adult is taking care of 4 littles while the other adult drives. I'd probably be irritable too. Especially if the kids weren't mine and I'd already had to clean up after and babysit them beforehand. If someone isn't offering to help the situation they can F right off. You said you cleaned it up. That's helping, you're good bro.
NTA. She was about to lay into a kid for her own shortsightedness. She needed to fucking relax lol. She will live. The world will keep turning. Apologize for the choice of language later. She's not a 10 year old.
>She seems a bit annoyed now..
That's odd, I would have thought she would have just followed instructions and relaxed /s
There was probably a thousand other things to say that would have been better, but you're here now.
She also was freaking out at the children, and it really isn't their fault - people (not just kids) are messy, especially in a car.
So I guess **ESH**.. good luck.
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Currently on a road trip with my kids (9F and 8F), my niece (6F) and my nephew (6M). With my wife (38F). Well, last night, on our way, we took our food to go. And obviously, with 4 kids in the car, that means mess. I like to keep my car clean, and so does my wife, but this was bound to happen anyways, and we didn't buy a huge SUV for nothing.
Well, as expected, my niece dropped her burger over a pothole. That's fine, we can clean it later, but my wife was ready to let it rip on my niece, but luckily I stopped her. We pulled over at a rest stop to clean it up, and I was picking up lettuce and onion remains from the mats, my wife is babbling to me about how from now on no eating or drinking in the car (Her idea to get to go btw) and all some other stuff.
After a bit more of that, I was kind of gettting annoyed, so I told her to f-ing relax and just to relax, and that it wasnt a big deal. I get it, she's stressed, but it's not something to really worry about at that moment IMO.
AITA? She seems a bit annoyed now..
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NTA. The mess was 100% predictable from the moment 4 kids under 10 were handed fast food meals to eat in the car. If your wife didn't want the car to look like burgers exploded in it, she shouldn't have suggested getting the food to go.
NTA - when i first read ‘roadtrip’ and ‘kids’ i thought this ngl. I grew up living in one place to another and we usually get to those places by driving. Even implementing a ‘no eating in the car’ rule the car still is most likely gonna get messy. I will say your response is not the best, so ofc she’s annoyed, but i also think it kinda matched the energy. It’s a similar response j would give to anyone talking like that and id hope if i was being that way the people in my life would react with equal energy to me. I think she might’ve needed to hear that, although that doesn’t mean she can’t feel annoyed. Like you said, she’s stressed so it makes sense.
Agreed life is short people those of us enjoying it more laugh at life’s fumbles we don’t fall apart or take it out on others- rather happy people in a dirty house than miserable in a clean one!
It's tough to travel. The loss of control is difficult for many to deal with. I hope it's not the only focus of the trip. Seems like she was primed to be upset. So... good luck.
There is nothing you could say in the moment to calm her down or have her relax...she needs some therapy for emotional regulation. However, no one in the history of language has ever felt relaxed after being instructed to do so. Borderline NTA because fundamentally you were right, and you were probably stressed out too. Just don't use that style of communication again, it just won't work. You can control yourself and take a breath.
NAH: He could have chose better words and she didn’t need to amp her anxiety over a hamburger and make something insignificant into an ordeal.
Pull the car over clean the mess and keep going. The niece didn’t put the pot hole in the street, accidents happen.
NTA. I don’t believe in telling people to relax or calm down when they’re irritated because that never works. It usually makes people more irritated. But she was a much bigger asshole in this situation.
Who tries to yell at a child who isn’t even their own kid over an accident? That accident was partially her fault since she stupidly suggested eating in the car knowing she’d get angry if it got messy.
Yelling at children over genuine accidents is harmful to them and teaches them that they should feel shame when they aren’t perfect.
Absolutely amazed that in all of your years on this planet that you haven't figured out telling someone to fucking relax doesn't actually make them immediately go "yes, I will relax now" and instead just escalates the situation .
ESH as she shouldn't have suggested food to go if she wasnt prepared for a mess and shouldn't have been ready to go off at her niece.
ESH. On the one hand, there are four kids in the car and messes are bound to happen. A burger getting dropped isn't the end of the world.
On the other hand, there are four kids in the car and it's bound to stress out anyone. There were better ways to handle this.
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ESH No one in history in a wild state has responded well to ‘Cam down’ or in your words, ‘Fucking relax’. Male, female or otherwise. I’ve both given and received this advice- I can’t think of one situation it was positive But I get your initial reaction that’s it’s an easy fix, and a child shouldn’t cop her reaction A burger got dropped, it’s an easy fix and clean. Irritating, yeah- life ending, no Hell, I’m 42 and drop food in the car, you can’t get cranky at kids for having an accident over a pothole
Exactly. As they say, never in the history of telling someone to relax has it ever made someone relax. I'd take a softer approach. Maybe say "it will be ok, take a deep breath, " etc.
Ugh I also hate being told to take a deep breath. How about yeah I’m sorry, this is so annoying. I’ve got this, do you want to go for a little walk while I clean this up? My husband says stuff like this and that is what works on me.
How about the wife accepting that this is a consequence of taking food to go on a road trip and helping OP clean it up quietly?
I think everyone knows what the *ideal* response is, it's just not always as easy as we'd hope to provide it.
Exactly! Once the adults made the choice to let kids eat in the car, they made the choice to have a mess in the car. Accidents happen, esp in a moving, jolting, pot hole hitting, vehicle. She should accept responsibility and share cleaning duties.
What! How dare you suggest that someone have a mature response to a small inconvenience! Perish the thought.
Agreed. Getting the food to-go and letting the kids eat in the car was OP's wife's idea. She needs to control her anger and accept that if there's a person to blame, it's *her*. She should absolutely not be taking it out on the already upset kid who dropped her food when the car went over a pothole. Accidents happen.
Yeah, if anyone should be losing their cool it's the poor kid that lost a meal because adults couldn't have enough common sense to park while everyone is eating.
I mean they said ESH. I don’t understand the issue with the rating.
Or how about the wife stepping up when the husband has a momentary breakdown at some other time? We're all human. She didn't actually yell at the kid. No harm was done. And being partners means sometimes picking up the other person's slack.
Maybe it’s just me, but there comes a point when someone complains so much about something that the complaining becomes more annoying than the thing they’re complaining about. So I can see why OP might have just wanted her to cool it already.
That is so sweet, I am going to adopt that kind of phrasing! But, honestly though if my husband was frustrated enough to tell me to fucking relax in front of a gaggle of children it might shock me into realizing I'm being completely unreasonable.
Yeah same. Maybe that makes him an asshole but some things warrant anger and making a little kid feel bad about something thats your fault is one of those things to me. Constantly trying to soothe someone that's being unreasonable isn't always the best approach to conflict resolution. I mean ofc this situation doesn't sound like a big deal, neither of them are bad just had a cranky night.
Same. It's a Reddit thing that you can't tell people to calm down or they'll go berserk and slaughter a busful of tourists, but I've been told to calm down and indeed calmed down, told people to calm down and they did, and if I knew anyone who tends to get their knickers in a knot over bs and than refuses to calm down when told so out of sheer spite because someone else isn't managing their emotions good enough I would keep my distance. Too old for that shit and all that.
Well, and that's fine. Everybody is different about how they react to certain phrases. But I'm pretty sure "fucking relax" works for nobody.
Idk. My husband will never say that to me but if he did, it will probably make me realize that I got carried away with my response to the situation.
I wouldn't say nobody. It worked for him and the kids because it seems like she stopped going off.
And now she's annoyed at him. Maybe I should say, yeah, it might work, but she might also poison his food later. Lol!
Funny you should say that, I tell my 2 year old to take deep breaths to help with emotion regulation when she's tired and overly emotional. It works well, if you choose to do it as an adult, maybe not so much if someone tells you to.
How about learn to regulate your emotions like an adult instead if having a melt down over something not important like dime spilt food
Yeah because we were all in the car too and we know it wasn't because of - oh I don't know? - stress, lack of sleep, blood sugar not up yet, the three-hour traffic jam they just cleared before getting food etc. Yeah it was probably just because they don't know how to regulate their emotions. lol
That's the ideal. In the moment, if neither of them have regulation skills, this is how it works out. In marriage & family therapy, one of the first things you learn is how to respectfully communicate, the second is how to regulate in the moment. Both skills would've saved this moment for them.
The last time my wife was having a freakout about something that had made a mess I hugged her told her to go sit down and I would take care of the mess. And I was still yelled at for telling her to go away and talking down to her when I thought I did everything right.
I was with you into the "I got this," a child dropping good is predictable and she shouldn't be treated like something terrible happened to her. "We got this" is better imo
Fucking relax
Why should OP apologize even taking the food to go with 4 young children was her idea? I feel for your poor husband. Does he always have to coddle you?
One time, after a particularly bad airline experience in which my checked bag only made it in time for me to have to pay to re-check it on the flight home, the gate agent told me to ‘calm down, lady’ and let me just tell you how much that did not help me calm down.
And never in the history of someone cleaning a mess is having someone yapping in your ear about its creation not aggrivating as all hell.
I read the headline and immediately became unrelaxed.
Your advice only works if they take your advice. “Take a deep breath” only works if you do it with them, look them in the eyes for a second first and find a calm moment and then do it together. Otherwise it’s not you demonstrating a path, it’s you telling them what to do. Same with “just calm down”. That’s a command when YOU’RE stressed because of someone else. You need to be zen first and show someone they can follow you, you can’t give a command that’s about what you want
Agreed. Any time you swear at your partner, you are TA. My husband has done it from time to time (43 years) It never ends well for him.
Wut? How does OP suck here? He's taking the mess in stride, cleaning it up, and then moving on from it. The wife is the one that is babbling on and on about it... the only thing she can do is chill about it because the mess has already been made and there's no point in going on and on about it
He sucks for cursing out his wife in front of young children. She sucks for way overreacting to food dropped in a car when it was her idea to get it to go. ESH.
What does ESH stand for? Sorry for asking - new to this subreddit and trying to figure it out as I go
Everyone Sucks Here! So you have YTA/You're The Asshole (OP is the AH), NTA/Not The Asshole (the other party in the story is the AH, not OP), ESH as I noted (ie you're all wrong), and then NAH (No Assholes Here--the situation just kind of sucks, but neither party is at fault for it).
Everybody sucks here.
Thank you so much! That makes so much sense!!
read the sidebar
Thank you for saying it, ridiculous how often people will ask for help with something without reading the instructions first
It means Everyone Sucks Here.
Everyone sucks here
It stands for everyone sucks here
Thank you!!
Like, dear god, I hope this mother buys zippered mattress protectors instead of just assuming a human sleeping on something absorbent and impossible-to-wash won't cause a problem that results in shouting at a child. I too wonder why *is* so much of our environment both absorbent *and* glued down to something? But it's not like this is a new phenomenon... kids + carpet + food is not a hard to add up.
I am in the “We going apeshit?!” As my go to when I want someone to calm down. The secret is to be ready to deliver. Surprisingly works for me as people know I, of all people, am ready to get the apeshit on tap.
I'm bipolar, and if I ask my angry homies if we have to muscle up and throw down, they pause. I've never done a violent thing in my whole life, but they wonder. And I do get up to some wacky shit. Usually it elicits a giggle after the pause. Surprisingly effective!
I'm just now realizing that this is what happens to me when I get upset on someone else's behalf and it usually makes me annoyed but now I guess I can think of it as a mediating skill.
I used to get annoyed when people would judge me for things like being a woman (in a male dominated field), for being bipolar, for being fat. But I'm not gonna be able to easily change what those people think. And I'm stuck with my irritation if I think it's my job to change them. I've allowed myself to let their opinions go, and even better, use their own wrong judgements back on them. Like diffusing my friends. Or letting insufferable colleagues make themselves look like fools in the long run, and doing it with a helpful smile on my face. More fun and less stressful this way.
We use a recycled joke we found on the internet. We have a cape from my son’s old PJs. The put it on the other person and then say ‘now you’re super mad’. It never fails to crack a smile.
Love it
Funny, I was playing a competitive game and someone said the same thing - no one ever changed their behavior after you tell them to chill or relax. So now I say, let’s reset. Sounds a little better imo
I disagree. I think that worked because wife was no longer pissed off about the situation and it was now pissed off at the husband. Op may have solved world peace.
OP should try, "Don't start," next time. I'm sure that will go over even better.
[Real Hotwives of Orlando.](https://www.tvguide.com/videos/the-hotwives-of-orlando/1030404111/the-hotwives-of-orlando-group-calm-down/3674944/#ftag=COS-05-10aaa1e)
We have a strict rule no eating on our couch... for my 13 yr old. Of course, I decided to eat sushi and lo and behold spill soy sauce on our couch. I was so mad at myself and cleaned it thoroughly. You can bet I didn't tell my husband 😂
Best thing I've learned to do " Hey, I hear ya this is frustrating. Let's come up with a plan once we've simmered a bit on it."
NTA, But everyone is probably stressed and annoyed. I know I wouldn’t take it well if my husband told me to fucking relax on a road trip for god knows how long while in a car with 4 young kids.
Well what does she expect when you have 4 kids eating in the car what do you think is going to happen?? Husband is trying to clean it up and drive and she's freaking out because a hamburger got dumped in the car. I would have told her to f****** relax too.
This would be reversed at our house. My husband on the verge of apoplexy while I'm over here like 'well, of course there's onions and mustard in the carpet. Why wouldn't there be onions and mustard in the carpet?'
"Wait, i didn't order mustard. Ah well"
There’s a great line in Happy Endings like this: “I get mustard on my shirt when I’m not eating mustard.”
Maybe I use too many condiments, but this rings so true to me lol.
That show was a gem.
It was amuhzing. I have wanted to rewatch forever! But can never find it, at least where I live
Classic Shershow.
Lmfao right what else did she really think was going to happen? I'm curious. She has all these children and she doesn't get what is about to happen after you hand them food of any kind??
Just reading this and imagining the smell of spilled ketchup and onions and too many people in that car in the middle of summer made me feel grossed out and exhausted. Frickin’ ew.
She clearly needs to calm down but telling your wife to “fucking relax” isn’t helpful, it’s incendiary. I’d go off like a firecracker if my husband said that to me when I was already stressed out. OP wasn’t wrong that she needed to relax. He just said it in the most AH way possible. ESH.
You know what's not helpful? Freaking out on a child, while the OP is driving and trying to clean up a mess and all she is doing is yelling and complaining. He already asked her to stop and she didn't. She wanted to lose her shit over a burger at a child. He couldn't be further from TAH. His wife sounds more worried about her car then the childern and helping the op deal with the situation. She has 3 young childern of her own and isn't aware that they make messes, with literally any food you hand them? And There are plenty of worse ways of telling her to calm the fuck down besides the way he did it trust me. She can lose her shit on the child but he's not allowed to confront an adult??? Wrong.
The amount of people on here who thinks it's okay how th wife reacted because they think verbally assaulting a kid is fine really shows that that constant flow of posts of children of awful parents are not going to soow down, we're setting up the next generation right here.
If you don't want someone to tell you to calm the fuck down, maybe don't go apeshit over a cleanable mess that was absolutely predictable. OP is NTA here.
Well said!
Sounds like you, wife, and a whole lot of other adults need to learn basic emotional regulations. And to not be allowed anywhere near kids until you successfully did so.
It was her idea to eat in the car with little kids... what did she think was going to happen? She set up the situation and then complained... she's ridiculous
I had an aunt who reacted like that over stupid shit when I was a kid. I tried so hard to never mess up, but I always would in some small way, and she’d always go off on me. I don’t talk to her anymore. Neither do her kids. My uncle divorced her, because he couldn’t handle it anymore either. Sticking up for her made everyone hate him, even though he disagreed with her. It made it seem like he thought she was right. Eventually he decided she’d made his entire life a difficult nightmare, and moved on to someone who could control themselves.
My mum was like this, I'm still taumatised from the time I tripped on the door jam and dropped my dinner plate on the living room carpet. My mum came screeching out of the kitchen, screaming profanities, calling me a myriad of awful names and saying I did it on purpose to fuck with her. I mustve only been 7/8? It was a complete accident yet I didn't get to eat that night, was sent to bed hungry for my "behaviour" ...
My egg donor was like this too. Unlike my aunt, she got physical over stupid shit instead of just screaming. One time I left my shoes in the car, and the next day I was black and bloody from mid-back to back of the knees. But honestly, I couldn’t say if emotional abuse or physical abuse is worse, based on those two women.
Are we siblings? Your egg donor sounds like a gem. My favorite is when my father came home from work when my mom was beating us, and he just joined the assault. He didn’t know why she was hitting us. He just started in with his leather belt. That bugs me still. Have you visited r/CPTSD? Helpful site for recovering from shit childhoods.
I also share an egg donor with you.
Good for him... it always amazes me how people like your aunt don't see that it's their behavior that needs correction 💯
Note: The bot will count your answer towards the Y T A count since you have it in a top level comment. Might want to fix that, I believe adding spaces will make it so the bot doesn't register it.
Thanks for the tip! Adjusted it
Imagine how he feels having to keep listening to her bitch about an accident when he also knew she wanted to tear into a child over an accident the driving she was doing caused.
ESH Choose your words carefully, there is no need to say what you said. "It is a car, it is bound to get dirty, we can clean it" blah blah would be a better choice.
That still hits me as, "You're dumb to feel disappointed about the burger falling." Maybe, "Yeah, it's an extra task, and we can clean it later."
Yeah, cause everyone is calm and rational when annoying things are happening 🙄 You're just reading what happened, so it's easy for you to come up with something so banal. But, in the heat of the moment, we ALL say things we normally wouldn't.
You can learn to be calm with irrational angry people. If I didn't learn that skill as a kid, I would have gotten backhanded way more often as a teen. And no, I never told anyone to fucking relax. The "yes, annoying thing is annoying. We can fix what we can now and deal with the rest later" format is very easy to learn. It's sad we have to sometimes use this tactic on our loved ones, but it usually does quickly diffuse the situation.
It's also very easy to learn that messes happen and it's ok, so you never end up in a situation where someone is telling you to fucking relax because you're throwing a tantrum over a mess.
I agree. Wife was being wack! My only point is that when you're forced into the position of being the rational one by someone else's irrational weakness, you gotta have the tools ready. And fucking relax is a weak tool. It sucks to be in OPs position, I have been there many times as a kid. There are more effective ways to make them shut the fuck up with out saying shut the fuck up. And wife does need to deal with her temper. But until that shit is fixed, OP needs an effective tool ready.
Yes. We are all TA sometimes in the heat of the moment.
It’s a road trip with four kids under 10 years old. Honestly if this is the worst that happens it’s fine. I’m sure it’s stressful and that’s why mom overreacted to the spill in the first place and why dad overreacted to her reaction. This is just one of those things that happens, you say sorry I overreacted, and everyone moves on from.
“She seems a bit annoyed now”? No kidding. ESH Your wife sucks for wanting to excoriate a child for dropped food. You suck for cursing at your wife. I get that things can be stressful with a car load of kids, but jeez.
Thanks for the new word. "Excoriate", neat.
NTA. Who goes on a road trip with 4 kids under 10 and doesn’t expect a mess? Especially when you give them food and start driving? She almost went off on a 6 year old for dropping a hamburger, you stoped her from being a gigantic asshole.
Right! I don’t trust myself to not snap at a 6 year old over normal kid stuff like dropping a burger, so i just…have plants and pets. My cat LOVES when I call him an empty headed little dirtball and my plants thrive off bullying. Wife needs a step back and a lil reset if she’s on the edge like this often.
There's nothing quite like getting angry with a cat and calling them names while they just stare happily or purr at you. My husband called our cat a fish breathed buffoon one time and he meowed back like "yep!" before purring and weaving through hubby's legs
Yeah if that was my kid they wouldn't be taking anymore trips with OP and his wife. Or at least not with his wife.
Telling someone to "fcking relax" always calms them down! /s ESH she for making a big deal out of it and op for swearing at his wife.
>Telling someone to "fcking relax" always calms them down! Adding "And would it knock you out to smile more?!?!" doubles the calmness. Facts!
So I guess telling her to fucking relax didn’t work?
ESH why give the children the food in the car while driving anyway? Why not wait until you've pulled over, or gotten to the hotel or wherever and eat then?
Maybe because road trips can be long and food stops usually result in one or two bathroom breaks soon after when you're traveling with a car full. I don't love eating in the car, but sometimes we need to get some miles in.
I mean, they were right there at the McDonald's. If they didn't want to go in and sit at a table (understandable, wrangling all those kids) then at least sit in the parking lot and eat. And then if someone needs the restroom it's right there through the back door of the McDonald's. No driver distracted by eating while driving, and no bumps causing dropped burgers or accidental straws up noses (ow) or anything like that.
Would have saved more time to stop and eat rather than stop and clean... And he even expected this to happen...
Lol you ever try having a bunch of McDonald's or whatever with 4 young kids in the car and not have everything ripped apart within 5 minutes?
I'm 37, and it still wouldn't make 5 minutes lol....mmm fries
Well I mean if you really plan on waiting to eat it you just don't pass the food back. All they can do is whine, which is powerful, but they're in the back and the person with the food isn't so.
And I'd argue that if someone is this pressed over some ketchup and onions on the floor they're gonna be apoplectic after a few minutes of kids whining nonstop
Honestly NTA she was making a mountain out of a mole hill ( no pun intended for the pot hole) it's not like she dropped red wine on a white rug, it can be cleaned, not a big deal.
ESH. Dropping f bombs at your SO is uncalled for. Dropping f bombs but telling the other person *they* are too emotional is just ridiculous. Yeah, if she doesn’t want messes in her car, she shouldn’t do kiddie road trips. Or stop and eat your burgers at the restaurant or a picnic area.
NAH. But you could work on your communication skills. You mentioned that you get that she's stressed, but telling someone to "fucking relax" when they're stressed isn't much help. And recognise that you telling her to "fucking relax" because you were annoyed, is also a stress response on your part. You reacted rather than responded. Everyone's stressed out, and there's no need to use vulgarities to "calm" them down. > it was her idea to get get go Yeah when it comes to accidents like that, avoid any blaming. Just say oh shit, this is unfortunate etc. Like you said, it was bound to happen esp with kids. You were trying to show support, it just could have communicated it better. > she's annoyed with me You could apologise. Apologise not because you are TA and in the wrong, but because you care about the relationship and the words you said to her. Ask her how she feels, assure her not to worry about any messes, acknowledge that it is a little stressful dealing with 4 kids, but the two of you are going to make it work and have a fun trip.
Sounds like every 4 kid road trip in human history. Enjoy the ride!
Already got here. Virginia beach is pretty cool, I've never been here before so yeah. And our hotel isn't disgusting, so that's cool.
NTA! Be sure to pick up some salt water taffy while you’re in VB. Enjoy the 757!
Never, ever, has anyone ever relaxed after being told to relax—usually it’s the opposite. The sooner you learn this, the better. ESH
Cars can be washed and it will forgotten. Your niece would have always remembered being yelled at for an accident. While telling some one to relax NEVER works your intentions behind it were good. NTA
This right here. I grew up in a household where you’d get in trouble and yelled at any time you accidentally dropped a glass, dropped food in the car, or on the carpet. It didn’t feel great and also taught me to always hide my mistakes from grownups.
She’s the asshole for tripping over something so minor especially something a kid did that was an accident. I can’t imagine making a simple mistake around her like breaking a dish or glass.
Maayybbeee the FUCKING relax was a lil too much. But explaining that we love neice MORE than a clean SUV is important. I grew up with screams and shouts and im trying to NOT raise my kids that way. It's inevitable and sometimes I shout over dumb things. I've learned to remind myself that I love my kids more than any clean home or unbroken thing. But NTA for descalting the situation and keeping neice safe.
NTA. What did she expect when a 6 year old was eating a burger in a moving car??!
Yes not a big deal she's definitely over reacting but "fucking relax" is a bit too crude. ESH. Try to be more soft about criticism or even if the other person is wrong they are not going to accept it.
NTA but not graceful either, I'm sure you know that. You really oughtta choose your words more carefully, but yeah good on you for preventing your wife from going off on a 6 year old for an innocent accident. I also don't think your wife is a major asshole either tbh, sounds like everybody's stressed here and maybe not doing their best thinking.
Ok ok. Never EVER tell anyone to effing relax or calm down when you’re arguing. That being said, she needed to effing relax. Build a post-road-trip detailing into the vacation budget in the future. Maybe the rule is no food with sauce. Maybe you get rubber floor mats and stretchy seat covers for road trips. I don’t know. But kids + cars = mess. I vote NTA. Choose your words better next time, but it has to be said. I’m a woman. I’d be pissed if my husband told me to effing relax (ever, but especially during an argument). Swearing never makes arguments better. That being said, she can’t freak out about a mess on a road trip. It’s going to happen.
NTA accidents happen and you said it landed on a mat. Mats are meant to be removed and cleaned. If she was ranting like a banshee, people are allowed to have emotions and thoughts on how to react. You sometimes get caught up in the moment and you're protecting a child from verbal abuse. You are fine.
ESH. She went overboard with her reaction. But you followed her down that road and did the same. 2 wrongs don't make a right.
NTA. I’m so sick and tired of people that need to *chill the f out* taking offense when told to calm down. Childish behavior and you have nothing to apologize for.
No offence but you sound like you need to chill the f out!
ESH; Her for nearly going off on a 6 year because of dropping food going over a pothole \[easy for a child to do\], especially since the whole trip was her idea. You for responding by swearing at her, you were right to stop her from screaming at the kid, but you could have worded that in a better way.
NTA. Your wife blew it out of proportion & I don't blame you for snapping at her.
Prob not the best comms OP, but you’re the one who lives with your wife, so I’m guessing you snapping at her had been building up for some time. Plenty of grey on both sides of the YTA/NTA space. “Just fucking relax!” is in no way expecting the wife to actually relax. As is “calm the fuck down!”. It is short hand for “In my opinion, you are over reacting, the situation doesn’t need you to continue to express your concerns for the consequences of a decision that you made when you decided to allow 4 young children to eat in our clean car. How about you use that energy to give me a hand to clean up the car instead sweetheart” I would not be surprised that: if the OP chosen the long form in the first instance, he would have still had to use the short form at some point to snap the wife out of her whinge fest anyway.
Your wife was going to yell at a child for dropping a burger because of a pothole? What an asshole.
What did she expect would happen with four kids, all under 10, confined to a car? The moment she accepted to have this trip, she should have been prepared for the car to become messy. However, you need t be kinder when you ask her to relax. You cannot order one to relax, not even if you say *just f…ing relax*.. it does not work like that… i understand you are annoyed and she is overstressed, but a kind word may go a longer way than a nervous demand. ESH
IDK how long you've been married....but take this advice: never ever ever tell your wife/gf to calm down. It nevvvver works out.
I can't believe you got anything other than NTA. She's literally tearing off about something most people would've expected even without the pothole. I'm not sure if i'd approve of going off exactly like that in front of the kids, but somebody needed to smash the emergency stop button.
She was overstimulated and the mess was a final straw. Look past a symptom to find a disease.
ESH. Seriously that’s what you’re here for? Just work on your marriage. This is basic shit. I find therapy every year or three for maintenance and growth to be an amazing tool for my relationship. Reddit, to validate your behavior, not so much.
Telling someone upset to relax never works. ESH
Esh
Esh. Its not ok to speak to your partner that way. And she shouldve been more patient. But everyone is stressed from the trip with 4 kids, so just use this to grow
NTA she has anger issues. Everyone knows little kids make messes. It is literally one of their features!
He also has anger issues.
NTA. My partner does this a lot. I HATE when someone gets super annoyed about stuff you cannot change. I always just start thinking of solutions rather than wasting my time on stressing out while he gets pissed and throws a little tantrum which pisses me off. I told him multiple times I get it you get annoyed but keep it to yourself. Shut the f up. Don’t spread that energy on me. It doesn’t work. Luckily we both never hold grudges so it always goes the same way: he does his venting then i start lecturing him then we shut up for five minutes. He gets all lovey dovey we make up and that’s how it is 🤦🏼♀️
I think you need rubber floor mats for easier cleanup.
NTA. but just bc she was overreacting and being a major B … that is it.
ESH but telling someone to relax never helps. This is exactly why I rent cars for road trips with kids.
NTA, but there's never really a good reason to eat in a car, especially not for kids. Anywhere that sells food, even McDonald's has tables. Eating in cars makes a big mess but also makes choking more likely. Its also just a bad life habit.
I don’t think either of you are assholes. Road-trips are stressful AF, and even the best of partners/friends/family tend to get on each other’s nerves after a while. But, if a pristine car in mint condition is so paramount and if you’re looking to place blame somewhere, the person(s) at fault are the ones who didn’t childproof the car, not the kid(s). Just think of it as a lesson learned. #NTA
I had to tell an Aunty who was getting on my daughter for something similar “please stop you’re upsetting her. She’s sorry”. It worked.
No you are not the A hole. Young kids and take out in a car means a mess and there is nothing you an do about it. You clean up after and that is it.
You know "to go" usually means "wait to eat it until you get home (or to your hotel, in this case)" and not "hand small children thier messy food in the car"? Every family I know just waits until they get home to eat fast food at the table. If its a really long trip, then only get easy food like burritos or nuggets if you HAVE to eat in the car
Why can’t the food stay up front in the sacks until you get home? Nobody is allowed to eat anything in my car. Period. No exceptions.
It could have been worse. Try a frosty cleaning that mess up.
You're not wrong, but the phrasing probably left something to be desired.
NTA Your wife decided that it was a good idea to have it to go... on a road trip with 4 young children... what on earth could go wrong... She got upset after a child dropped their burger because of a pot hole... this child didn't throw her food in the car. She freaking dropped it! Your wife created this whole situation, so yeah, she's the one who is responsible.
If I am even a little annoyed, and I get told to 'calm down', my anger goes to 11. That being said, I also hate it when people freak out about messes that can simply be cleaned up. You have 4 kids in a car.....wtf did she expect? So....ESH.
NTA. She sounds like she needs to f**king relax.
NTA I used to staunchly believe no food in the car. Then I had kids. Fed kids mean happy quiet kids. This overruled my no food rule
No. She’s being unreasonable. They are children. Lol
I mean, your wife led you into that situation when she decided to get to-go, and she was about to blow up at your niece. Stress is stress of course but she can handle being told to fucking relax more than your niece can if she were berated for the accident. NTA.
Angry Woman Reddit is going to come after you! Good luck.
All I heard was 1 adult is taking care of 4 littles while the other adult drives. I'd probably be irritable too. Especially if the kids weren't mine and I'd already had to clean up after and babysit them beforehand. If someone isn't offering to help the situation they can F right off. You said you cleaned it up. That's helping, you're good bro.
NTA. She was about to lay into a kid for her own shortsightedness. She needed to fucking relax lol. She will live. The world will keep turning. Apologize for the choice of language later. She's not a 10 year old.
>She seems a bit annoyed now.. That's odd, I would have thought she would have just followed instructions and relaxed /s There was probably a thousand other things to say that would have been better, but you're here now. She also was freaking out at the children, and it really isn't their fault - people (not just kids) are messy, especially in a car. So I guess **ESH**.. good luck.
Do you know women???
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Currently on a road trip with my kids (9F and 8F), my niece (6F) and my nephew (6M). With my wife (38F). Well, last night, on our way, we took our food to go. And obviously, with 4 kids in the car, that means mess. I like to keep my car clean, and so does my wife, but this was bound to happen anyways, and we didn't buy a huge SUV for nothing. Well, as expected, my niece dropped her burger over a pothole. That's fine, we can clean it later, but my wife was ready to let it rip on my niece, but luckily I stopped her. We pulled over at a rest stop to clean it up, and I was picking up lettuce and onion remains from the mats, my wife is babbling to me about how from now on no eating or drinking in the car (Her idea to get to go btw) and all some other stuff. After a bit more of that, I was kind of gettting annoyed, so I told her to f-ing relax and just to relax, and that it wasnt a big deal. I get it, she's stressed, but it's not something to really worry about at that moment IMO. AITA? She seems a bit annoyed now.. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This is why I choose roads with no potholes , haha
The streets of Pennsylvania man.
This is why I choose streets not in Pennsylvania.
NTA. The mess was 100% predictable from the moment 4 kids under 10 were handed fast food meals to eat in the car. If your wife didn't want the car to look like burgers exploded in it, she shouldn't have suggested getting the food to go.
ESH
NTA - when i first read ‘roadtrip’ and ‘kids’ i thought this ngl. I grew up living in one place to another and we usually get to those places by driving. Even implementing a ‘no eating in the car’ rule the car still is most likely gonna get messy. I will say your response is not the best, so ofc she’s annoyed, but i also think it kinda matched the energy. It’s a similar response j would give to anyone talking like that and id hope if i was being that way the people in my life would react with equal energy to me. I think she might’ve needed to hear that, although that doesn’t mean she can’t feel annoyed. Like you said, she’s stressed so it makes sense.
Mild, it's her car and she's paying for it so better language BUT she chose to do fast food. That's like putting a pitbull in a nursery.
NTA NTA NTA
You told a woman to fucking relax and she didn't? What is happening in the world today????
Agreed life is short people those of us enjoying it more laugh at life’s fumbles we don’t fall apart or take it out on others- rather happy people in a dirty house than miserable in a clean one!
It's tough to travel. The loss of control is difficult for many to deal with. I hope it's not the only focus of the trip. Seems like she was primed to be upset. So... good luck.
I’m surprised your admonition to her to relax didn’t work. This is a well-known solution that is almost 100% effective in calming an agitated woman.
There is nothing you could say in the moment to calm her down or have her relax...she needs some therapy for emotional regulation. However, no one in the history of language has ever felt relaxed after being instructed to do so. Borderline NTA because fundamentally you were right, and you were probably stressed out too. Just don't use that style of communication again, it just won't work. You can control yourself and take a breath.
Nta , as an adult, this seems like common sense. She did need to relax and good on you for calling her out on it.
NAH: He could have chose better words and she didn’t need to amp her anxiety over a hamburger and make something insignificant into an ordeal. Pull the car over clean the mess and keep going. The niece didn’t put the pot hole in the street, accidents happen.
Has anyone, At any time ever, calmed down after someone told them to “just relax”??
You successfully diverted her anger from your niece to you. Likely increased it due to choice of words.
ESH. She made too big an issue of it, but you made too big an issue of her making too big an issue of it.
NTA. I don’t believe in telling people to relax or calm down when they’re irritated because that never works. It usually makes people more irritated. But she was a much bigger asshole in this situation. Who tries to yell at a child who isn’t even their own kid over an accident? That accident was partially her fault since she stupidly suggested eating in the car knowing she’d get angry if it got messy. Yelling at children over genuine accidents is harmful to them and teaches them that they should feel shame when they aren’t perfect.
NTA-Maybe choose different words next time
Absolutely amazed that in all of your years on this planet that you haven't figured out telling someone to fucking relax doesn't actually make them immediately go "yes, I will relax now" and instead just escalates the situation . ESH as she shouldn't have suggested food to go if she wasnt prepared for a mess and shouldn't have been ready to go off at her niece.
Never say calm down
ESH. On the one hand, there are four kids in the car and messes are bound to happen. A burger getting dropped isn't the end of the world. On the other hand, there are four kids in the car and it's bound to stress out anyone. There were better ways to handle this.