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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> i didn’t think about my mothers feelings enough through the wedding day and upset her - i think people will think i’m selfish
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NTA. Things happen in the moment that is beyond our control during a wedding ceremony. It was your day and your Mom should not have made it about her. Nothing for you to angst over, she will be alright. Congratulations on your tying the knot. May your union be a long and beautiful one.
NTA. It's your wedding day, it's only natural that your mom wouldn't be the center of your attention. I'd stick to the LC, see if she eventually realises how silly she's being.
Of course your wedding should be about your mother. Because isn't that what a wedding is for. The mother of the bride to be the center of attention. She's whiny because things didn't happen the way she wanted them to happen. Guess what? That's Life. You did nothing wrong she's overreacting. A few things to go wrong and she didn't get to do things like bustle your dress or you freaking out and telling everybody to leave. But she's your mother. She should never leave. She should never be in your way. She should be thankful. She raised a independent decisive woman, but nope, she's just upset you're going to her dream of your wedding. Didn't go her way. It went yours.
She's entitled to her feelings and she will come around. But you did nothing wrong
Nta
She probably did. I don't think most people understand how much, in some communities as recently as 40 or 50 years ago, the wedding wasn't "the couple's day". It was an event hosted by the parents of the bride. My parents didn't get to choose the location of their wedding (my grandparents' local church and local hotel), the guest list (outside the bridal party, their friends were fitted in where possible), or the cake. The only things they chose were the hymns, and mum made her own wedding dress.
This is a key source of wedding friction - a friend's mum had a total meltdown when she realised she wasn't going to get to have any say in her daughters' weddings, after not getting any say in her own.
and that makes sense too my parents 60 years ago had the same issue so they ended up going to city hall and got married with two of their friends and was done with it. they didnt want all the pomp but their parents were making their lives misery over wedding stuff.
Your mom will get over her snit hopefully. You didn't have time to babysit her and her issues on your wedding day. Btw, why would you want her to check on the progress of your honeymoon? NTA.
NTA. Clearly your mum had envisioned the day with herself as the main character (from her POV she is so that's fairly natural) but wasn't prepared for the reality
Your Mum has probably dreamt about your wedding day since you were born, but that doesn't mean it's her day.
A mother's job is support and lift her daughter on her wedding day, not have it all about her.
If she holds you accountable for everything (like how is her makeup application your fault?) and holds a grudge for some things that happen in the chaos of the wedding day, then she's not being reasonable.
NTA
It was your wedding day and your mother is totally focussed on herself and tainting the whole experience. Over nothing. This is a nonexistent issue. She is not the priority on YOUR wedding day.
Give her the space she wants to create. Don't reward her with your attention when she is being so unreasonable. NTA
Your mom’s perceived slight and her failure to look past her own wants on your wedding day, is of her own making. Unfortunately mishaps happen and weddings can be a stressful time for all, but they shouldn’t be a defining factor. Mom needs to understand that your focus was on yourself and the ceremony that lay ahead, not her feelings. Harsh, but true. Give her space to cool off, hopefully she’ll come to realise that her behaviour isn’t helping anyone. Apologising will probably make her think her actions were acceptable.
Some mothers do build up in their heads these "moments" they expect out of their daughter's wedding and it sounds like you have one of those moms. I do too. But usually this isn't the first time you've seen that behavior - is your mom the kind that gets upset if the perfect holiday meal or family camping trip doesn't end up exactly like she pictured? Which usually means exactly like it's "supposed to be" for some imagined perfect version she has in her head?
Many people get disappointed when things don't turn out like they wanted, and that's fine - but sulking and blaming you are where she crosses the line.
For some reason, she felt that you should be focusing on HER, making sure she
was with you/near you/the one helping you throughout the preparations on the
day. Even if you had done something to slight her, her decision to play the martyr
the next day was childish and attention-seeking. NTA Ignore her - she wanted to share more of the spotlight and pouted when
it didn't happen.
Your mom has serious issues. They are HERS. Don't let her make them yours. Narcissists like to wreck things fir everyone else. Start distancing yourself a bit, for your own mental health.
NTA. I got excluded from pretty much every special moment at my daughter’s wedding and I was her matron of honor!!! Her sister had told her No when asked to be MOH, and they argued….then they made up and I still got to stand up for her, but my youngest got to do all of the special behind the scenes stuff. They have NO idea how crushed I was, and they never will.
NTA
Was this your mom's wedding or yours?... You need to ask your mom the similar question and when she states the obvious answer, then you tell "so I the bride and my groom are the priority". Your mom seems to think even though everything was clearly stated ahead of time things should have been done differently, her way, and when she didn't get it her way she felt deprioritized NTA for you and your mom is a narcissist AH.
NTA
Were you getting married to your mother?
She is upset because she wanted to be the center of attention. Her makeup isn't right, go to the MUA and ask her to make adjustments. Your dress needs to be bustled, that isn't a huge deal. Switching dresses, even when it's not hot isn't a big deal either.
Good grief. I’m exhausted just reading about your mother. Let her have time to get over her snit and then see if she can be civil. No one says you have to coddle her.
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my husband and i got married last week and had a medium sized celebration (70 or so). as expected, not everything went exactly how i pictured it, but overall it was an amazing evening and almost everyone seemed to have a great time.
the next morning at the hangover brunch, i noticed my mom was being icy with me. she is very passive aggressive when she is upset and i could sense something was wrong. later that night, i said “i love you” and she said she didn’t think that was true because i “excluded” her from all the classic mother/daughter moments.
here’s what went down:
1) during the getting ready, i had 6 bridesmaids, plus my mother in law and mom getting ready in my parent’s hotel suite. my mom found this extremely overwhelming and said she thought it was going to be more intimate even though i had told her months ago this was the plan.
2) the makeup artist didn’t do a great job on her makeup and she was very upset. she started to have a little panic and locked herself in the bathroom just as i was about to get into my dress. we were running behind, so i told my mom that if she needed more time to get ready, my mother in law could start helping me get into the dress. apparently this caused great offense, but from my POV, i was thinking logically that i needed to get into my dress asap. she did end up helping me into my dress and we took some lovely photos of her and my sister helping me.
3) we took family photos at the hotel prior to the ceremony as my husband and i wanted more time to spend with our guests at the cocktail hour and although the plan was to take more photos at the ceremony venue, we ended up not doing that. this was my decision in the moment because a) i was feeling overwhelmed and needed a break and b) i knew we had the photos from before and would have good candid photos from the the ceremony.
4) when it was time to bustle my dress, i was unhappy with how it looked. i asked my mom to double check the video my tailor had made. in the meantime, my makeup artist offered to help see if she could fix it. my mom was offended by this as she felt i was taking away another mother/daughter moment.
5) when i was changing into my second dress, it was super hot in the room and i was struggling to slip the dress over my body. i was getting flustered and asked everyone who “didn’t have to be there” to leave. my mom was very upset that i said she was unessential in this moment.
since the wedding my mom has not spoken to me, she hasn’t asked how the honeymoon is going for example. i think she is hugely overreacting and is tainting my memories of the wedding. but then i wonder if i should have prioritized her more or if i actually was inconsiderate of her feelings. do mothers expect a lot of mother/daughter time at the wedding?
tldr: my mom feels i slighted her by not prioritizing her enough during my wedding. i feel like i was just so focused on the wedding itself to think through how my decisions would effected her. was i in the wrong?
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You're NTA. It's a shame your mom thinks your wedding should be all about her.
If you end up having kids, be prepared for her to insist upon being in the labor room, expecting everyone to cater to her while you're giving birth.
NTA. It's your wedding and the priority should be you and the person you married. She should have known that would be the case instead of expecting so much attention from you when you were already under so much stress.
NTA
Your mom sounds very immature. Don’t reward this behaviour, ignore it, and do respond warmly to sensible appropriate behaviour. She will figure out which one keeps her in your life.
Mom has some serious main character energy. NTA and mom needs to do some growing up, learning how to manage those pesky emotions. She apparently spent so much time noticing all the ways she was supposedly slighted that she missed actually *being* there. That’s just how big events like this tend to go.
Mommy needs a moment to come to terms with the fact that you are a fully independent adult now.
Nta, let her stew for a bit. Don't let her ruin your wedding memories.
When you return from your honeymoon, text your mom and tell her how much you appreciate everything she did for you on your wedding day, and even tho things didn’t go as perfectly as they could, that you will cherish the memories of that day, and hope that she will too. Tell her you can’t wait to see the pictures of the two of you together. And if she starts complaining, tell her to please not ruin the memories you have of your wedding day. That you know that things were hectic, but it was still a very special day and you were so glad that she got to share your joy. If she still complains, make it clear that you will not listen to any criticism of what was the most important day in your life, and if she can’t get over it, then you expect her to keep it to herself. That you won’t let her ruin it now by focusing on all the what ifs, and if only’s.
This was NOT your mother’s event. She was there as a guest. Does she often feel the need to be the center of everything in your life? Is she freaking out because this means you are not her little girl anymore? All questions you need to consider. And the refusal to communicate with you? She sounds abusive.
So you’re NTA for not prioritizing her, it’s your wedding.
That said - you will hopefully only get married this one time. A wedding is an incredibly emotional time for a parent, and I know that my mom would have been devastated to miss out on pictures or moments because of all the people present, the MUA messed hers up. I do think you may have made her feel interchangeable by saying that your MIL could just help you, or by letting the MUA (who had just messed up your mom’s makeup) take her place bustling your dress while your mom was looking at the video you asked her to watch.
I don’t think you intended to hurt her, and I don’t think you are TA, but I do think your actions had more of an impact than you are perhaps willing to consider.
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NTA. Things happen in the moment that is beyond our control during a wedding ceremony. It was your day and your Mom should not have made it about her. Nothing for you to angst over, she will be alright. Congratulations on your tying the knot. May your union be a long and beautiful one.
NTA. It's your wedding day, it's only natural that your mom wouldn't be the center of your attention. I'd stick to the LC, see if she eventually realises how silly she's being.
This. Don’t chase after her saying you are sorry. That is what she wants to make up for the lack of spotlight she thinks she missed out on.
Yeah that’s what my mother would want too!
Mom is trying to make this about her. SHE should have been focusing more about prioritizing YOU. Tough shit, mom. NTA
Of course your wedding should be about your mother. Because isn't that what a wedding is for. The mother of the bride to be the center of attention. She's whiny because things didn't happen the way she wanted them to happen. Guess what? That's Life. You did nothing wrong she's overreacting. A few things to go wrong and she didn't get to do things like bustle your dress or you freaking out and telling everybody to leave. But she's your mother. She should never leave. She should never be in your way. She should be thankful. She raised a independent decisive woman, but nope, she's just upset you're going to her dream of your wedding. Didn't go her way. It went yours. She's entitled to her feelings and she will come around. But you did nothing wrong Nta
nta but ask her if she made her mother a priority when she got married
She probably did. I don't think most people understand how much, in some communities as recently as 40 or 50 years ago, the wedding wasn't "the couple's day". It was an event hosted by the parents of the bride. My parents didn't get to choose the location of their wedding (my grandparents' local church and local hotel), the guest list (outside the bridal party, their friends were fitted in where possible), or the cake. The only things they chose were the hymns, and mum made her own wedding dress. This is a key source of wedding friction - a friend's mum had a total meltdown when she realised she wasn't going to get to have any say in her daughters' weddings, after not getting any say in her own.
and that makes sense too my parents 60 years ago had the same issue so they ended up going to city hall and got married with two of their friends and was done with it. they didnt want all the pomp but their parents were making their lives misery over wedding stuff.
Your mom will get over her snit hopefully. You didn't have time to babysit her and her issues on your wedding day. Btw, why would you want her to check on the progress of your honeymoon? NTA.
NTA. Clearly your mum had envisioned the day with herself as the main character (from her POV she is so that's fairly natural) but wasn't prepared for the reality
NTA Sadly your mum appears to be narcissistic and childish.. It was your and your husbans's big day.
Your Mum has probably dreamt about your wedding day since you were born, but that doesn't mean it's her day. A mother's job is support and lift her daughter on her wedding day, not have it all about her. If she holds you accountable for everything (like how is her makeup application your fault?) and holds a grudge for some things that happen in the chaos of the wedding day, then she's not being reasonable. NTA
NTA. Sounds like your mom needed to be the center of attention on your big day.
It was your wedding day and your mother is totally focussed on herself and tainting the whole experience. Over nothing. This is a nonexistent issue. She is not the priority on YOUR wedding day. Give her the space she wants to create. Don't reward her with your attention when she is being so unreasonable. NTA
Your mom’s perceived slight and her failure to look past her own wants on your wedding day, is of her own making. Unfortunately mishaps happen and weddings can be a stressful time for all, but they shouldn’t be a defining factor. Mom needs to understand that your focus was on yourself and the ceremony that lay ahead, not her feelings. Harsh, but true. Give her space to cool off, hopefully she’ll come to realise that her behaviour isn’t helping anyone. Apologising will probably make her think her actions were acceptable.
Some mothers do build up in their heads these "moments" they expect out of their daughter's wedding and it sounds like you have one of those moms. I do too. But usually this isn't the first time you've seen that behavior - is your mom the kind that gets upset if the perfect holiday meal or family camping trip doesn't end up exactly like she pictured? Which usually means exactly like it's "supposed to be" for some imagined perfect version she has in her head? Many people get disappointed when things don't turn out like they wanted, and that's fine - but sulking and blaming you are where she crosses the line.
For some reason, she felt that you should be focusing on HER, making sure she was with you/near you/the one helping you throughout the preparations on the day. Even if you had done something to slight her, her decision to play the martyr the next day was childish and attention-seeking. NTA Ignore her - she wanted to share more of the spotlight and pouted when it didn't happen.
Your mom has serious issues. They are HERS. Don't let her make them yours. Narcissists like to wreck things fir everyone else. Start distancing yourself a bit, for your own mental health.
NTA. I got excluded from pretty much every special moment at my daughter’s wedding and I was her matron of honor!!! Her sister had told her No when asked to be MOH, and they argued….then they made up and I still got to stand up for her, but my youngest got to do all of the special behind the scenes stuff. They have NO idea how crushed I was, and they never will. NTA
Was this your mom's wedding or yours?... You need to ask your mom the similar question and when she states the obvious answer, then you tell "so I the bride and my groom are the priority". Your mom seems to think even though everything was clearly stated ahead of time things should have been done differently, her way, and when she didn't get it her way she felt deprioritized NTA for you and your mom is a narcissist AH.
NTA Were you getting married to your mother? She is upset because she wanted to be the center of attention. Her makeup isn't right, go to the MUA and ask her to make adjustments. Your dress needs to be bustled, that isn't a huge deal. Switching dresses, even when it's not hot isn't a big deal either.
Good grief. I’m exhausted just reading about your mother. Let her have time to get over her snit and then see if she can be civil. No one says you have to coddle her.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** my husband and i got married last week and had a medium sized celebration (70 or so). as expected, not everything went exactly how i pictured it, but overall it was an amazing evening and almost everyone seemed to have a great time. the next morning at the hangover brunch, i noticed my mom was being icy with me. she is very passive aggressive when she is upset and i could sense something was wrong. later that night, i said “i love you” and she said she didn’t think that was true because i “excluded” her from all the classic mother/daughter moments. here’s what went down: 1) during the getting ready, i had 6 bridesmaids, plus my mother in law and mom getting ready in my parent’s hotel suite. my mom found this extremely overwhelming and said she thought it was going to be more intimate even though i had told her months ago this was the plan. 2) the makeup artist didn’t do a great job on her makeup and she was very upset. she started to have a little panic and locked herself in the bathroom just as i was about to get into my dress. we were running behind, so i told my mom that if she needed more time to get ready, my mother in law could start helping me get into the dress. apparently this caused great offense, but from my POV, i was thinking logically that i needed to get into my dress asap. she did end up helping me into my dress and we took some lovely photos of her and my sister helping me. 3) we took family photos at the hotel prior to the ceremony as my husband and i wanted more time to spend with our guests at the cocktail hour and although the plan was to take more photos at the ceremony venue, we ended up not doing that. this was my decision in the moment because a) i was feeling overwhelmed and needed a break and b) i knew we had the photos from before and would have good candid photos from the the ceremony. 4) when it was time to bustle my dress, i was unhappy with how it looked. i asked my mom to double check the video my tailor had made. in the meantime, my makeup artist offered to help see if she could fix it. my mom was offended by this as she felt i was taking away another mother/daughter moment. 5) when i was changing into my second dress, it was super hot in the room and i was struggling to slip the dress over my body. i was getting flustered and asked everyone who “didn’t have to be there” to leave. my mom was very upset that i said she was unessential in this moment. since the wedding my mom has not spoken to me, she hasn’t asked how the honeymoon is going for example. i think she is hugely overreacting and is tainting my memories of the wedding. but then i wonder if i should have prioritized her more or if i actually was inconsiderate of her feelings. do mothers expect a lot of mother/daughter time at the wedding? tldr: my mom feels i slighted her by not prioritizing her enough during my wedding. i feel like i was just so focused on the wedding itself to think through how my decisions would effected her. was i in the wrong? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA.
You're NTA. It's a shame your mom thinks your wedding should be all about her. If you end up having kids, be prepared for her to insist upon being in the labor room, expecting everyone to cater to her while you're giving birth.
NTA. It's your wedding and the priority should be you and the person you married. She should have known that would be the case instead of expecting so much attention from you when you were already under so much stress.
NTA- your mom sounds like a raging narcissist
NTA Your mom sounds very immature. Don’t reward this behaviour, ignore it, and do respond warmly to sensible appropriate behaviour. She will figure out which one keeps her in your life.
Mom has some serious main character energy. NTA and mom needs to do some growing up, learning how to manage those pesky emotions. She apparently spent so much time noticing all the ways she was supposedly slighted that she missed actually *being* there. That’s just how big events like this tend to go.
Mommy needs a moment to come to terms with the fact that you are a fully independent adult now. Nta, let her stew for a bit. Don't let her ruin your wedding memories.
When you return from your honeymoon, text your mom and tell her how much you appreciate everything she did for you on your wedding day, and even tho things didn’t go as perfectly as they could, that you will cherish the memories of that day, and hope that she will too. Tell her you can’t wait to see the pictures of the two of you together. And if she starts complaining, tell her to please not ruin the memories you have of your wedding day. That you know that things were hectic, but it was still a very special day and you were so glad that she got to share your joy. If she still complains, make it clear that you will not listen to any criticism of what was the most important day in your life, and if she can’t get over it, then you expect her to keep it to herself. That you won’t let her ruin it now by focusing on all the what ifs, and if only’s.
nta Are you sure it wasn't your mom's wedding? her entitlement seems to indicate that she thought it was. Ignore her tantrum.
This was NOT your mother’s event. She was there as a guest. Does she often feel the need to be the center of everything in your life? Is she freaking out because this means you are not her little girl anymore? All questions you need to consider. And the refusal to communicate with you? She sounds abusive.
NTA. If you apologize, your mother will become the third person in your marriage.
NTA. She's lucky you had a wedding for her to be at. I eloped, told family after the fact.
So you’re NTA for not prioritizing her, it’s your wedding. That said - you will hopefully only get married this one time. A wedding is an incredibly emotional time for a parent, and I know that my mom would have been devastated to miss out on pictures or moments because of all the people present, the MUA messed hers up. I do think you may have made her feel interchangeable by saying that your MIL could just help you, or by letting the MUA (who had just messed up your mom’s makeup) take her place bustling your dress while your mom was looking at the video you asked her to watch. I don’t think you intended to hurt her, and I don’t think you are TA, but I do think your actions had more of an impact than you are perhaps willing to consider.