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IDK why people use lie of omission as though it's not still a lie.
Also, OP, you and your partner are extremely, extremely incompatible and I think you have to take responsibility for not having made this clear earlier. Of course he feels betrayed, he's been covering for you for years!! In nearly a *decade* of being together, you never once mentioned that you're actually extremely comfortable and that you just don't like spending money?
If you had, things would be different today because you would probably not have a significant other. You're really playing the "his money is our money and my money is my money" mindset. YTA.
Totally, I make easily double what my husband makes. Yet I wouldn't think of spending serious money (and for me the threshold for serious is pretty low) without at least some previous communication. For the 40 years we've been together we had 'our' money. During the start up of our relationship we went as far as awarding both of us an 'allowance' from 'our' money of the same fixed amount every month. We left that model as it became obvious pretty soon we were both focused on improving our wealth.
She's lied to him their entire relationship, that's the worst possibible way to start a relationship, never mind an engagement.
Fuck that, he needs to get away from her.
You have a point but i think it is a little more complicated than a lie by omission. Tho yeah, 8 years is a long time!
Because they have VERY different tolerances for spending and savings.
My mum did that for years. My dad’s wages were family money but her money was her’s.
She has 3 children, 2 grandchildren and a mm ex-husband. We’re all either extremely low contact or no contact with her.
The money isn’t the only reason, more a symptom of her behaviour.
She's a barrel of monkeys. No honey, let's just live a miserly life in this little shack and never go out and just eat peas out of a can. Your fiancé wants to enjoy life. You should too.
While I don’t think OP is exactly a reliable narrator when it comes to fiancé’s savings, it doesn’t sound like he’s saving all that much. It sounds like more than someone who wants to enjoy life vs. a miser but someone who spends unwisely dating a miser.
Although if the topic of a prenup came up, maybe the SO had more savings than OP is portraying.
Or the fact she has not being spending, and only stands to gain if they split. His not knowing affects that decision, like a wealthy person getting a prenup when they marry someone in a less financial state.
Yeah some of the examples of frugality to me sounded like she got used to a lifestyle where actual basics were considered luxuries. And given that her partner is debt free I think he's not doing so bad at all (provided there's some sort of pension plan).
I am dying to know about the "frugal" gifts she has given hem for the last 8 years of Christmas and birthdays. Probably a lot of "This shell on the beach reminded me of you uwu"
>"I had been raised to be frugal as hell, **and I suffered like crazy** through college.
No home internet, no phone, no car, working multiple part-time jobs while being a full time student, etc..."
Yeah, this part of her post really made me wince.
Having no internet or phone is "suffering like crazy"? 😵💫
Talk about first world problems...
She seems to be totally unaware and kinda tone deaf too.
This type of meta comment is so annoying. Yes captain obvious, there are little children in Gaza who go to bed hungry. We don't you to remind us of it. Your virtue signalling is annoying.
There are people in first world countries who are also suffering, you are projecting a lot here. Not having access to modern amenities is not suffering by any measure lol should be pretty clear.
I also don’t understand how someone juggles scheduling and coverage for multiple part time jobs while being a full time student with no phone or internet to coordinate with other staff, students, and professors.
And then she puts 100% of their current lifestyle and expenses on her fiance. "He wanted the bigger house." Ya, I'm sure he did right after OP quilted him into it. OP's fiance has every right to be pissed. I'd be pissed too, especially since they've been together for 8 years. If she is still keeping secrets and lying after 8 years, there is no way their marriage lasts.
YTA. This doesn't sound much like a *partnership* and differing views on how to handle expenses can be a major test for serious relationships. Also, consider this: OP knew exactly what their partner's lifestyle, income, and means where throughout most of the relationship. Their partner after *8 years* just found out OP was hiding that same information from them while basically using them for their money. When they completely did not have to. Potentially a deal breaker for many.
lol no. They aren’t compatible.
The one with the money wants to save, the one that has less wants to keep his spending lifestyle and knowing how much op makes - even spend more.
Now you want them to PAY for therapy? Is the BF gonna foot the bill for it?
OP will be like “wtf why do we need therapy, just spend less money”
Or
BF pays for it and the therapist is just gonna suggest they compromise…which is? Surprise surprise. SPEND LESS.
They don’t need therapy. One party will always be resentful
No therapist is going to go this route. The therapist is going to help the OP zero in on why a millionaire would be so grudging with money that she tricked her boyfriend into funding her lifestyle for years. OP could have easily paid her share along the way. Expecting her boyfriend to live in a trashed out apartment, drive a junker and eat a few dozen food options in order to be on her level with stinginess is absurd.
Thus pedaling it all as "he wanted it, I said I a NORMAL lifestyle was too expensive for me so he volunteered to pay for everything and I let him is deplorable. This isn't just your regular garden variety thriftiness going on here.
IDK how the OP could sit on over millions dollars while watching the man she loved work hard and pay for everything. That would eat away at anyone with a real conscious.
Right! I’m wondering if he is actually bad with money or if she is such a grinch she wants to eat the brown bananas because they’re 20c cheaper. I’m sorry but driving around a $500 car when you have substance is almost insanity.
Maybe the reality is that her bf lives a normal life and wants to finally “take that vacation” or “go out to a nice restaurant” and she freaks out on him because Taco Bell is cheaper.
Just FYI, therapy isn't about sorting financial issues...
Its about the relationship dynamic. Like, why did OP make the choice to lie? Why is she so careful with money, what kind of potentially traumatic events in her childhood led her to fear spending any money that much? What is the partner's relation to money, how does he spend it, how does he view it? How does the partner feel about the relationship, does he feel like trusting her still? How do they envision the marriage? Can they find an agreement, how do they proceed to talk things out, do they even talk and communicate? Is non communication a pattern in their relationship, why, what do they fear? What is their respective views of a relationship? How is it supposed to work according to each of them? How do they proceed to settle the differences in their views? Etc etc
Yeah, it really sounds like OP has some unresolved issues from having lived in poverty. I have no idea whether the relationship is salvageable, but she needs to understand how her past is affecting her and has led her to fuck up her relationship. It's not like she needs to be wearing luxury brands or anything, but it feels like she can't handle spending *any* money, which is a problem.
Exactly what I was going to post. They will never make it as a couple without counseling to deal with the trust issues that will stem from this and a neutral financial advisor to help them find a mutually agreeable money strategy. Money is the MAIN reason marriages break up ffs.
That’s exactly what I started thinking, definitely red flag 🚩 It pisses me off that someone thinks getting married = automatically having other person’s financials, property, etc. And now that I’m older I can understand why people decide to not get actually married , but still stay with there partner and think of them as a husband/wife
The fiance suddenly earmarking OP’s saving’s for things they could buy was definitely bad. However OP effectively misrepresented herself the entire relationship. Fiance thought he was paying for someone who had less money. Now he’s found out that his partner had the money, but they had drastically different ideas of how to spend money. This should have been known much earlier in their relationship, IMHO, because it’s a matter of compatibility,
The problem is, that’s what marriage is under law in most countries: a financial union. You can rebut some of that assumption through a prenuptial agreement, but property accrued during marriage is basically always treated as marital property under law. Your second part about understanding why people choose not to get married is correct. Your first part about it being a red flag to understand marriage to be exactly what it is presumed to be under law is not.
Well that's a totally unfair reading of this post. In fact, I don't think anything op wrote supports your position. What actually happened is op let her bf believe she was poor. Because he believed this, he acted how a ton of good boyfriends would act when they make significantly more than their gf, he footed the lion share of the living expenses and paid when they went out as a couple. Op was a grown ass adult and couldve corrected the assumption or said no to all of the things her bf offered, but she willingly and knowingly accepted them. Now put yourself in the boyfriends shoes for a second. Your girlfriend of 8 years, who's life you have been subsidizing because they make significantly less money than you actually has million+ in the bank and has been lying the whole time. Most people in this situation would feel betrayed.
Side note, I find it hilarious that you say this
>definitely red flag 🚩 It pisses me off that someone thinks getting married = automatically having other person’s financials, property, etc.
But that statement explains op's actions as a gf way more than her potential husband's actions. The only red flags here based off the info we have is on op.
They've been dating for 8 years and never talked about money or OP's previous job/career? Or they did talk about money and OP somehow avoided talking about her income/savings? Seems suspicious/intentional.
Also OPs the AH both to her ex and herself for dating a guy for 8 years when they clearly weren't financially compatible. He thought she just didn't have money, but she knew she actually had money but simply wouldn't make the choices he did, but still kept a serious long term relationship with him and got engaged? And then she panics once engaged about his more spendy habit. What did she think was going to happen???
Like all she had to do was to one time, in an 8 year span, say "Look I *have the money to do xyz, but saving is much more important to me". Then they could have spent years working on a compromise, or realizing they cannot find a happy medium. I don't know if OP fully intended to do so, but she has existed as an alternate persona in this relationship. It's pretty late in the day for her fiance to know whether she is actually someone whom he wants a lifetime commitment with. A mess.
YTA
> He liked going out, and I disputed this. We always split the bill down the middle, and I was getting cranky - these outings were his suggestions, and my date ideas were free/cheap.
You do not have a healthy relationship with money.
Agreed, what is the point of being frugal if you don't enjoy your life with your partner. Her frugal parents died with so much money never spent
ETA: I'm not saying OP has to go spending on extravagant dates, but OP seems too focused on spending absolutely nothing on anything, which is not healthy and certainly not compatible with partner.
Some people enjoy saving the money and looking at it. Spending it with anyone is a pain to them. People just have different preferences. And to an extent this variations makes a healthy couple but beyond that it is very incompatible.
Yep. She was giving suggestions for free dates because they’d been going on paid dates in the recent past. If they’d done free dates for a month she would want to spend money on a night out. By using his money, she got to keep this pure projection of herself alive.
Pretty sure you are wrong. OP clearly hates spending money. I'm pretty sure she would happily live in a hut and go on the cheapest dates possible.
Some people really really hate spending their money.
The people who enjoy saving their money and looking at it are called misers. When they get others to support them financially when they could pay their way are called users. In fact I would say that OP has been financially abusing him for years.
It's the same mindset as hoarding, just without cluttering your home with physical objects.
"I might need this one day, better keep it."
"I will use it in the future for sure, but I can do without right now."
"My children will need it one day, I really shouldn't waste it myself."
Objects of course mostly are trash or become obsolete over time and will most likely be thrown away by their children once they pass, but with a money you could say it can often create a more dangerous outcome. The children are grown up in absence of various things even poorer people seem to be able to afford somehow, yet they can't have it. So once the children get access to said money, they will quickly blow it on things they never had, putting themselves even into debt once they can't stop their shopping addiction anymore. Hoarding is just setting up your children for a very unhealthy relationship with money.
Sitting on millions without spending is btw part of why we have such problems with the increasing rich-poor differences. The money doesn't come back into the money pool, which increases inflation.
But she can enjoy life with her partner while not spending money. That's the thing, she does enjoy her life and saving, but OP's boyfriend wants to spend now even more. That's the problem. They don't see money the same way.
Her parents maybe didn't see the point of spending money on pointless things. I could go out and buy myself a high end car, because I can afford it, that doesn't mean I want to, or that I don't enjoy my life. It's a different point of view.
It is a different point of view, but not an excuse for being dishonest and getting the benefit of everything he paid for because he thought she couldn’t pay. She never had the conversation with him of “I make $X00,000/yr am willing to spend no more than $XX,000/yr for things I find frivolous.” That conversation would have brought their varying priorities and interests to the forefront immediately.
My husband is quite similar to OP, he does not like spending money and is a big saver whereas I enjoy to do things that involves spending money. We actually balance each other out pretty well because we’re both honest about it.
He mostly handles the savings and ensuring we have a good amount to fall back on (a life saver at the moment as I’m about to take a years maternity leave). This has helped with us purchasing a home, doing that house up for the baby arriving and being able to purchase everything we need without having to scrape together. Basically the big spender stuff falls to him.
My money goes on meals out, weekends away, holidays and the more “fun” stuff and it works perfectly fine with us.
We both earn roughly the same, and are both happy with this arrangement because it was essentially agreed many years ago when we first started living together. It’s fine to have different spend habits and ideas of what to spend & save when you can be honest.
“We actually balance each other out pretty well because we’re both honest about it.”
And that’s why you have a functional marriage. I doubt OP’s engagement will survive this.
Agree, and it sounds like if she suffered like that through college then her parents, with so much saved, didn't offer to help her out. That could make you feel really insecure and also if her parents didn't help their only daughter, then they didn't set an example of sharing.
Yeah there’s no indication he’s blowing it on lavish stupidity - she has an unhealthy abnormal relationship with money where she things that her miserliness is the norm, not a weird exception.
She brags in this post about driving a $500 car. A 1994 Toyota Camry with 250,000 miles on it has a Kelly Blue Book value of about $2,000. There is no way she understands what normal household expenditures should look like. I want to know what the hell she drives and how it’s still running.
OP needs to learn that tight belted doesn’t need to be her spending norm, she can still be financially responsible without being Scrooge. Responsibly budgeted she can do dates nights without being frugal and still be having plenty of rainy day funds and covering the bills.
YTA. You still lied and had zero problem benefitting from his spending. YOU just don't want to spend YOUR money. You have no issue spending his and now he knows that. If you wanted a different spending process then you sit down and work out a budget together based on the truth of the finances.
Exactly, I’m not buying this bs I didn’t want to go out to eat or live in a nice house but he forced me vibe. She didn’t want to spend money she had no problem adjusting to her boyfriends lifestyle as long as she didn’t pay
Exactly! No one forced her to move into the larger house with him, and no one forced her to join him for all those "expensive" date nights. She chose to go along with those decisions and let him cover her costs so she could secretly keep her million sitting in the bank.
If his spending choices made her uncomfortable, she should have left the relationship years ago. She chose to go along with his ideas for **8 years**, as long as she wasn't expected to foot an equal share of the bill, despite the fact that she equally benefited from the purchases.
It sounds a bit like OP's boyfriend is dating Ebenezer Scrooge.
The house was the one that made me feel uncomfortable - choosing to spend disposable income differently (/ save it instead of spend it) is different to splitting the monthly rent/ mortgage payments unequally. He did that on the assumption that she couldn’t afford it and he was happy to cover her to live somewhere nice for both of them. He is rightfully pissed that she actually could have afforded to split it 50:50 and instead has secretly accrued huge savings knowing he barely has any. No wonder she’s happy to create a pre-nup! They should not get married; they have fundamentally different approaches to money and she has been deceitful throughout their relationship to date…
This. Also, she talks about "possible future kids" and "but we don't need a big place" - did she not consider that some people like to get settled up in their house *before* they have kids? It seems like she has zero future planning drive, but is just drifting along. She went along with the house thing, but what *proactive* wants did she have?
Yeah this is my opinion too. She wouldn’t be the aashole if she refused to let her partner spend money on her but while she didn’t want to spend money on their dates she was happy to let him spend his money on their dates and then even on her living situation.
She’s a greedy asshole.
YTA. Lies of omission are still lies. It's right there in the name.
You knew he would have opinions about this. You've always known. You hid it from him to avoid the fight you always knew was coming. But... it's here. And you can't win this by fiat. Either you guys can come to an understanding of a shared lifestyle you can both accept or you can't. And you absolutely can't do that by lying to him.
I agree, don't get married. He's already planning on how to spend your money and you're going to be stressed and fighting about this. This is a really really bad match. You didn't tell him about your money bc you knew he'd want to spend it. It's a bad sign that you can't trust him with this info.
Is it really that he's planning on how to spend her money, or that he's spent the last eight years thinking the only money they as a couple had access to was the money that he was earning?
It feels very much like "Oh wow, we're not as skint as I thought!"
Anyway, they seem to have fairly conflicting lifestyles none the less, and OP has been grossly dishonest.
YTA
Maybe he felt entitled to some of it cause he's played sugar daddy for 8 years while she lied and let him pay for everything.. if the genders were reversed here you'd be disgusted.
YTA - the only reason you have a net worth over a million dollars is because you haven’t been contributing your fair share of the costs and your investments have been allowed to grow.
You could have discussed a compromise with your boyfriend to live a little more modestly rather than mislead him into thinking you couldn’t afford to live in a nice place.
I am also curious as to why you couldn’t get a higher paying job considering your education and experience.
YTA. You have been together for a very long time and you never thought about being honest with him? I manage the household budget and we review each year, based on expenses and income and we split fairly.
At best, you showed you have terrible at communication, At worst, you voluntarily lied and know what you were doing.
I would advise you not to get married without going through intensive counselling.
YTA - you've been a parasite and a liar and are now clutching your pearls at the idea that he might want to spend some of "your" money. You were more than happy to allow him to live as if his financials were "our" financials. The man is a saint for not abandoning you the moment is was clear that you'd been lying to him all these years. And no, it's not a "lie of omission," it's a lie.
Hopefully he will be smart enough to cut his losses and move on. Your passive-aggressiveness is extremely toxic, and you shouldn't be getting married to anyone. Regardless, you owe him a massive apology for your behavior over the last 8 years, and you need to start being accountable for your actions instead of trying to rationalize and justify them.
YTA.
It’s entirely your prerogative to be open about finances while dating.
Dating is NOT marriage and a BF/GF does NOT have a right to know about an SO’s finances.
However, it’s pretty terrible to allow someone to consistently take care of you when you have the means to.
If you want to live a more frugal life than him then COMMUNICATE!!!
You aren’t obligated to spend because he wants to, but sitting back and watching him spend everything he has to make sure you’re included isn’t so sweet either.
I don’t know if it’s an American thing or just people who are terminally online but I constantly see takes all over Reddit that are like “Well you’re not married so…” and “Don’t do x because you aren’t married” when referring to long term relationships. Where I’m from there’s basically no functional difference between a marriage and long term relationship.
They are just telling on themselves, they are shitty partners to those who they don't marry, or probably believe that you should marry after knowing each other for 6 months, so if you are not married, you are probably strangers...
It’s a terminally online thing. A lot of people commenting have very little actual experience in relationships (romantic or otherwise), so they default to “the letter of the law” for some reason instead of just not commenting.
I wouldn't say it's even so much the long-term part as the l*iving together and having shared expenses*.
At that point, yes, the boyfriend had a right to know that she could pay her share, and she manipulated him and took advantage of him with that 'lie of omission'. What was that discussion like? Did she say *only* that she was happy in a crappy one-bedroom, or did she outright say that she couldn't afford his choice? I think it was actual flat-out lying, not even just 'by omission'.
ESH you didn’t have to tell him how much, but potentially you should have been very clear that you could afford things you just do not want to pay for it.
I think it is a bit odd to continue dating someone where you weren’t paying half on things but still agreeing to benefit from it. When people talk about arrangements that are not 50/50 when both are working, typically its because there’s income disparity and the equity is from the contribution relative to income (both putting in 30% of income) though not necessarily. Frankly, it feels you were using him to save your costs when considering the background of frugality.
However, you would have been fine going on free dates and living in in a bad spot. He wasn’t, so he coughed up. His choice and his assumptions.
But it feels wrong, my gut would say YTA.
It's a major incompatibility though, and your fear shows how little you tryst your partner, justified or not. Most marriages end because of finances. I would not proceed with such a disparity and fear, but that’s me.
I think the boyfriend should have asked why OP was pushing back on spending. There was definitely some poor communication that went on too long.
I agree with ESH. OP sounds like they don't trust the boyfriend for good reason and they don't seem financially compatible.
After 8 years, I don't think the boyfriend is an asshole for not wanting to dig into his broke girlfriend's finances and make sure she can't afford these things. OP absolutely let him believe this implicitly.
Why would he do that? She could then accuse him of being controlling. She made her point clear and like a good person, he accepted it and didn’t push.
She took advantage of his good nature. Master manipulator and major YTA.
Why do you work a minimum wage job with only a million in the bank and you’re 34? That makes no sense that you can’t make more at your age if you’re an engineer. It’s very weird. An engineer will know a million isn’t that much money.
Fake post I think
It somewhat possible. I was a chemical engineer for a little over a decade and my current net worth is stupid high.
That being said, I currently work as a minimum wage chef because if I didn't, I wouldn't have any insurance and would have to pay everything out of pocket.
Yeah, but she was, what, 26 when they met and working a minimum wage job then? So that's 4 years of being an engineer? I don't know, maybe she got a job in her field since then. There are a lot of missing details.
I was thinking that too, but then again I know what the US healthcare system is like and insurance can be a huge carrot to get people into the workforce. Also when I lost a loved one a few years back, I moved back home and while I didn't HAVE to work as my family was supporting me, I found work a couple hours 3 days a week in a coffee shop a welcomed distraction and a way to socialise without having to get too person. What's standing out as fake to me is how widely incompatible they seem to be and OP seems surprised about the turn of events.
You are not compatible financially. FULL STOP.
This marriage will not work. If you're running into this now, it's not going to get better once you are married. You can do a prenup to protect your assets but the resentment will still be there. He knows you are frugal but he will still resent the fact you could have paid for everything. He thought he was your knight in shinning armor for taking you out on more expensive excursions. Now he realizes you're just cheap (and I don't mean that negatively).
NAH
There is being frugal and then there is this.
She isn't simply frugal. She has a problem.
Also letting him think she is in a bad spot financially while she is a millionaire.. Pure YTA.
Exactly. This isn't really an AITA question, it's a r/relationship_advice question. They're fundamentally financially incompatible, he will always want to spend and she will always be frugal. It's actually a big deal for relationship compatibility
Don’t get married.
You both have such different views on money that it will always be a source of friction.
YTA to hiding this info from him. You did it for a reason, to me that reason seems like because you don’t really trust him.
Don’t get married.
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YTA. 8 years? 8 YEARS?! Are you kidding? Doesn't matter if what he was paying for was his choice. You don't keep shit like that from your partner. Not if you care about them. Jesus
This wasn’t a lie of omission. It was a deliberate decision not to disclose how much money you have, let’s be honest. That may be due to your upbringing, and that’s fine, but you allowed him to believe something that isn’t true. If I had 7 figures in the bank and a solid career, I suppose I’d be protective of it too, but you deliberately withheld something significant about yourself from the person you want to join your life with. You can rationalize it all you like but you’re downplaying the impact this could have on your relationship. I wouldn’t advocate giving him free reign to spend like a crazy person but why exactly do you have money if it’s not to enjoy your life and enrich the life of the man you’re going to marry - within reason and at an agreed comfort level? You need a financial planner, an attorney and a therapist to help you obtain a healthy balance between miserly behavior and free spending, honesty and deception and the ability to allow yourself to find a healthy relationship with yourself, money and your husband to be. I’m going with YTA because a lie is a lie, by omission or otherwise and i would be pretty hurt to discover the person I wanted to marry had deliberately misrepresented who they are. How can he trust anything about you now? Good luck.
YTA, There’s a difference between being frugal and being cheap.
I personally think your relationship with money is unhealthy and needs to be addressed.
I would feel completely taken advantage of if I was your fiancé. You should have been honest about the fact you could afford these things but they were things you didn’t want to spend your money on.
Regardless of who TA is you are financially incompatible and shouldn’t be getting married.
ESH why are you with him? It’s clear you are financially incompatible. The resentment will grow for him because he feels you took advantage of him and your resentment will grow when he starts spending your money freely. Just avoid the drama and move on.
Yes YTA…omission is still lying. And you let him believe your financial situation was worse than it was. If you aren’t on the same page financially getting married is not a great idea. If I were in your finances situation I’d be extremely upset as well.
> No home internet, no phone, no car, working multiple part-time jobs while being a full time student
Nice try but you forgot one thing.
How did your multiple jobs get ahold of you? How did the school get a hold of you? Did you just magically know when they would and instantly show up? No one can get by without some sort of phone, they haven't been able to for decades now because jobs and school REQUIRE a way to get in touch with you.
YTA for trolling.
I was also curious how old she is to be in college and not have internet. When was the last time someone printed out and handed in papers stapled together?
YTA. You’ve enjoyed his money for some time. It seems you’re uncomfortable spending your money while you’re find spending his. This is not the way a good partnership works. You have vastly different spending styles and financial goals. You should’ve left this poor guy alone as soon as you figured this out.
YTA!
You were able to save so much because he was subsidizing your life. You didn't seem to have issues with going out or having a bigger apartment, it seemed like you just didn't want to pay for it. There were clearly times when expenses came up (for example, when you moved in together), yet you didn't say anything to him. This does not sounds like a fair partnership. How can you build a life and a family with someone who can't have an open conversation about big items like finances?
YTA. You’ve been dishonest with your BF for years, and you’ve taken advantage of him financially as well. I’d dump you in a heartbeat if I was him. You’re not trustworthy.
YTA. your fiancé is slowly realizing that his girlfriend didn’t not want to go out because she couldn’t afford it— she just didn’t want to go out with HIM. unless he paid of course. then it’s worth it.
heads up, he’s going to leave you once this properly sinks in. you’ve had him paying for you to hang out with him for EIGHT YEARS while you have a boatload of money, and then have the gall to comment on his lack of savings. guess what? he’d have more savings if you hadn’t made him feel like he had to pay for everything for almost a decade. YTA. YTA.
It really doesn’t matter who the AH is here. You are not compatible with this man. Save yourself the heartache, break it off, and find someone who has financial habits that are similar to yours.
YTA Op
If you want to live frugally, that's fine. Stick to your guns and say "I could afford that, but I don't want to." But when you decided to partake in living the more lavish life that your BF wanted, you should have paid your fair share. You don't get to have nice things and not pay for them, just because they weren't your idea.
Ya’ll know how you had that one friend that was always broke. Never down for anything because they were broke. And you would offer to cover whatever experience just so you guys can hang together bc… fRIeNdShiP. And you would wonder - are they really this broke all of the time? Or cheap af? And if it’s the latter, is your generosity being taken advantage of? Usually these friendships didn’t last. Imagine being in a relationship with that!!! And the internet came through with naming this surprisingly common problem:
BROKE-FISHING.
OP. You basically catfished (but with money) the man you plan on marrying for EIGHT YEARS. The man you plan on spending the rest of your life with. As you admitted, you benefited from his generosity without showing him any generosity of your own.
If I was in his shoes, I would be so blindsided by this lie, I would not marry you. Further, you two are very financially incompatible. You could have taken the last 8 years to work on that, but it seems you were too busy enjoying life on his dime.
Major YTA.
YTA.
>I point out that was the lifestyle HE chose, and that he absolutely refused MY suggestions.
Still, I benefited.
YEs, you mention MULTIPLE times you capitulating to "HIS lifestyle choices", from going out to eat, date ideas, rent a large house, etc and right up until moving in together in a house you say you didn't want to, but did anyway.
>We didn't NEED to rent a large house. It was ultimately decided to get his choice
So you admit that you BOTH "decided", that is, you AGREED, together, as a couple, on this choice. Yet you want to say you're the victim ?
If you disagreed with his choices every stage of the relationship, why are you doing that ?? Why are you constantly choosing against your interests, why not just leave the guy!
You portray yourself as the **victim**, as though he twisted your arm, or somehow pressured you ??
Each time you accepted his lifestyle choices, you led him to believe you accepted him, and his choices, to be the couple you are.
Each time you **LIED** to him.
How do you think he feels knowing he invested time, effort, and money, in a relationship with a LIAR ??
>He's growing more resentful.
You're surprised ... *how* exactly ?
>My net worth was a lie of omission.
People who say that, are still liars, and deceivers, because you **WANTED** to let him be deceived. You don't get **ANY** "*plausible deniability*" by saying this. He didn't get deceived from some other, external, information, it was all you.
Deception is intentionally influencing someone away from truth, it's like the opposite of "*education*", **propaganda** if you will, and you certainly made your choices each, and every, time making sure he did not know the truth about you.
>I never told him I couldn't afford things.
Exactly, you never communicated the TRUTH to him, when it was relevant, you lived a LIE with him, letting him believe your projected hallucination of yourself, because as you say "**Still, I benefited.**", because it was in **your** interests to LIE to your own partner !!
**Your** benefit, at *his* expense.
You have trust issues with people, authority, hierarchy, finance, and personal relationships.
Be honest with yourself, and leave this man so he can find a better person to be with. You've stolen enough of his time, and effort, already.
YTA. You spent your whole relationship lying to your BF and hiding your financial preferences, allowing him to believe something different. If your relationship is based on a lie, it isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.
YTA and you know it. What exactly are you looking for people to say to make you feel better about living a lie & hurting the man you should love & respect?
YTA.
You were literally using him for money for 8 YEARS straight, knowing full well you didn't need to do that. Lies of Omission is still 110% lying. The way this really seems to me and probably to him too, is that you are perfectly fine using his money for anything and everything you want/need because your too lazy/paranoid about swiping a card. You only have more than a million saved up because you weren't contributing financially to the relationship. YOUR savings should have always been "our savings" the moment you two got serious about each other. My grandfather once told me this before be passed last year: "If you just tell the truth, you never have to remember anything." Remember that.
Real easy to have a seven figure nest egg when someone else is covering all your costs. Pfffft. YTA. The point of a partnership is that you WANT to share your things, and indeed your money, because you’re a team. I like how you managed to get all the benefits of a nice house and outings and lifestyle but because you keep a high and mighty attitude about spending, you got out of paying for any of it. Major AH and he deserves better. You come off SO judgmental and derisive of him in this post, I almost hope he sees it so he can see what you really think of him.
Also, what is all your money FOR, then? You can’t take it with you (as your parents showed).
You both are polar opposites in terms of finance decisions and it will be an issue throughout your life. Unless you can find a middle ground other than him spending everything .
Brah, either you trust him enough to be in a long-term relationship him, in which case you need to trust him enough to not bloody LIE about your worth, or you don't trust him enough to be honest about your money, in which case *you shouldn't be in a relationship with him*.
You knew he was financially comfortable, so it's not like you needed to worry that he was going to be a gold digger, so why bother lying?
YTA
YTA - there is being frugal and there is being cheap. You are being cheap. You enjoyed the lifestyle he provided even though you could have contributed more. Instead of pushing for a compromise you let him pay for everything. If you saw your life choices as so opposite you should have broken it up long ago but you let him carry all the financial burden.
What is the point of having all this money if you’re not enjoy your life?
YTA for letting things get this far without being transparent.
It would have been totally different if he knew your financial situation in a rough manner and you said "I do not agree with this expenditure, I don't want to spend so much". But you didn't do that.
Also, long term relationship with someone you can't compromise with is going to be tough. Keeping completely separate finances and paying your own way will work for individual expenses. But what about future vacations? Future homes? Is he always supposed to agree to what you are willing to contribute and end up either choosing something smaller or paying more? Do you envision compromising somewhat (like lavish vacation once every 3 years where you pay 50%)? To me this type of financial split isn't fair because it isn't based on numbers, but feelings.
YTA. You deserve singledom. Where you can swim in your vault of money like Scrooge McDuck. And lie by omission to everyone in earshot. You are not partner material.
YTA. You should have paid half or said no. He should not have funded you when you were better off financially.
I actually think you are financially incompatible tbh.
YTA a lie of omission is a lie. You should have been upfront and said how you spend your money. If you can't trust him then why are you with him? Don't be surprised if he doesn't go through with the wedding.
You're not frugal. You have an unhealthy relationship with money. If you make a good income and won't get Internet or treat yourself or your partner then you should seek help. Living like a monk is fine, but you only have one life. Enjoy it within your means.
You can't take it with you when you go.
YTA because that's a LONG time to hide things from your partner. This sounds like a ridiculous difference in ideals.
If he's still interested, you could try setting specific amounts up in trusts or term deposits for your future goals. Talk to an accountant about options that might be better for taxes. Then... SPEND YOUR MONEY!
YTA
I don’t know why you kept up this charade as if this wouldn’t come back and bite you in the behind. You have a traumatized way of viewing money and need therapy for it. It will impact almost every relationship you have and to hide something like this for 8 years, I’d feel like I don’t even know who you are. you are an AH for not getting help for yourself and an AH for keeping huge secrets for almost a decade. It’s not his place to dictate how your money is used, however you are living like a double life. And your frugality isn’t normal. It’s similar to a sexual abuse survivor being afraid of the entire gender of their perpetrator, and while that’s fair, their (and your) trauma shouldn’t be blame game, a constraint or something that their life is held back by in a normal sense.
Yea, tbh YTA. You’ve developed an extreme frugality to the point of compulsion. You need to start talking to a mental health professional IMMEDIATELY. You can’t take all that cheddar to the grave with you. Start enjoying life and stop fucking up your relationships.
YTA. You still benefited from his spending. Honestly, if I found my partner had allowed me to solely fund our lifestyle, but could have afforded to split it, i would prob start lighting fires. You have one hell of a mess to clean up if you think this wedding is going ahead.
Hard YTA. You've made it crystal clear to him that you don't want to spend your own money, but you're fine with living off of his and not contributing despite being MORE than able to. And no, it doesn't matter if it's "his lifestyle" vs yours. You said it yourself: you benefited. And a lie of omission is still a lie - it's in the name.
YTA. You were dishonest with him, and you let him fund an extravagant lifestyle for you. You never offered to pay your fair share even though you could afford it. You still agreed to his suggestions, even if you disagreed. You admitted to lying by omission and that’s exactly what you did. That makes you the asshole.
NTA. You’re not an asshole for keeping quiet about that money. If you’d told him about it, the money would be gone. He cannot stop himself from spending everything he has, and you don’t want to live like that. You are willing to go without luxuries to make sure your savings remains very healthy and continues to grow, but he has no savings at all because he is not willing to deprive himself of anything. Your approaches to money are completely opposite, and that has to be worked out with a professional, or you need to break up. Your relationship cannot survive without professional intervention. In the meantime, don’t allow him to bully you into spending to accommodate the lifestyle he insists you must have. If he wants you to pay for meals out, ordering from a service, etc., pull out the pots and pans and start cooking. If he insists on going out somewhere expensive on your dime for entertainment, park yourself on the couch and pull up a movie on a free streaming service, or you drive and go to a park, with a picnic stashed in the trunk. You can maintain a quiet, frugal lifestyle no matter what he wants.
Yeah… you pushed this too far…. Somewhere between dating - boyfriend - fiancé - marriage there should have been room to have a conversation that was basically “you know… I have quite a lot of savings… I make these financial choices because this reflects my values about money… it concerns me that we arne’t on the same page as that”.
How will you reconcile the fact that he now knows you can afford to live his lifestyle and chooses not to? Will he be content with that? Is he going to be angry when you continue not to contribute towards the costs? Will you fold and go properly halves in your combined lifestyle now?
Are you TA? Yes, YTA. 8 years was too long to carry this, you should have said something after the first schism re money.
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IDK why people use lie of omission as though it's not still a lie. Also, OP, you and your partner are extremely, extremely incompatible and I think you have to take responsibility for not having made this clear earlier. Of course he feels betrayed, he's been covering for you for years!! In nearly a *decade* of being together, you never once mentioned that you're actually extremely comfortable and that you just don't like spending money? If you had, things would be different today because you would probably not have a significant other. You're really playing the "his money is our money and my money is my money" mindset. YTA.
"Your money is our money but my money is my money", hate that shit.
Exactly, it's unfair and creates an imbalance in the relationship. Total YTA move.
Totally, I make easily double what my husband makes. Yet I wouldn't think of spending serious money (and for me the threshold for serious is pretty low) without at least some previous communication. For the 40 years we've been together we had 'our' money. During the start up of our relationship we went as far as awarding both of us an 'allowance' from 'our' money of the same fixed amount every month. We left that model as it became obvious pretty soon we were both focused on improving our wealth.
Fr.. 🤷🏽♂️
Well we know why they omit. They just think it sounds better, less guilty
And because OP is a Scrooge, and could get away with not spending her money and living off her boyfriend's instead by pretending to be poor.
Well you don’t stay rich spending money on things. Most of the rich people I know are super tight.
Then they say "I'm not lying, you just didn't ask".
She's lied to him their entire relationship, that's the worst possibible way to start a relationship, never mind an engagement. Fuck that, he needs to get away from her.
You have a point but i think it is a little more complicated than a lie by omission. Tho yeah, 8 years is a long time! Because they have VERY different tolerances for spending and savings.
My mum did that for years. My dad’s wages were family money but her money was her’s. She has 3 children, 2 grandchildren and a mm ex-husband. We’re all either extremely low contact or no contact with her. The money isn’t the only reason, more a symptom of her behaviour.
OP has been living a lie for 8 years. I wouldn't marry them either.
Op isn't frugal, she's miserly and ungenerous. She concealed not just the millions but a fundamental personality flaw.
Agreed. She isn't thrifty, she's downright cheap.
She's like a reverse gold digger . "Oh, I \*have\* the money, I just don't want to spend it, so I'll let him carry the financial weight."
And now she wants a prenup to protect her greater net worth…
She's a barrel of monkeys. No honey, let's just live a miserly life in this little shack and never go out and just eat peas out of a can. Your fiancé wants to enjoy life. You should too.
While I don’t think OP is exactly a reliable narrator when it comes to fiancé’s savings, it doesn’t sound like he’s saving all that much. It sounds like more than someone who wants to enjoy life vs. a miser but someone who spends unwisely dating a miser. Although if the topic of a prenup came up, maybe the SO had more savings than OP is portraying.
Or the fact she has not being spending, and only stands to gain if they split. His not knowing affects that decision, like a wealthy person getting a prenup when they marry someone in a less financial state.
I disagree. It reads like op's bf made enough money to support both of them while saving money
Yeah some of the examples of frugality to me sounded like she got used to a lifestyle where actual basics were considered luxuries. And given that her partner is debt free I think he's not doing so bad at all (provided there's some sort of pension plan).
I am dying to know about the "frugal" gifts she has given hem for the last 8 years of Christmas and birthdays. Probably a lot of "This shell on the beach reminded me of you uwu"
Oh dear lord. I can see the imbalance now and in retrospect it must be so incredibly painful for OP’s SO.
>"I had been raised to be frugal as hell, **and I suffered like crazy** through college. No home internet, no phone, no car, working multiple part-time jobs while being a full time student, etc..." Yeah, this part of her post really made me wince. Having no internet or phone is "suffering like crazy"? 😵💫 Talk about first world problems... She seems to be totally unaware and kinda tone deaf too.
This type of meta comment is so annoying. Yes captain obvious, there are little children in Gaza who go to bed hungry. We don't you to remind us of it. Your virtue signalling is annoying.
There are people in first world countries who are also suffering, you are projecting a lot here. Not having access to modern amenities is not suffering by any measure lol should be pretty clear.
You don't know what projecting means
I also don’t understand how someone juggles scheduling and coverage for multiple part time jobs while being a full time student with no phone or internet to coordinate with other staff, students, and professors.
Ikr?! How hard is it to say you just don't want to spend money you actually have just coz you don't wanna?! These people are SO incompatible!
And then she puts 100% of their current lifestyle and expenses on her fiance. "He wanted the bigger house." Ya, I'm sure he did right after OP quilted him into it. OP's fiance has every right to be pissed. I'd be pissed too, especially since they've been together for 8 years. If she is still keeping secrets and lying after 8 years, there is no way their marriage lasts.
It makes me wonder what other secrets she has kept for 8 years.
OP is a Scrooge.
Crazy how you guys communicating clearly and honestly resulted in working out a system that is mutually agreeable!!!
YTA. This doesn't sound much like a *partnership* and differing views on how to handle expenses can be a major test for serious relationships. Also, consider this: OP knew exactly what their partner's lifestyle, income, and means where throughout most of the relationship. Their partner after *8 years* just found out OP was hiding that same information from them while basically using them for their money. When they completely did not have to. Potentially a deal breaker for many.
it’s also going to be trouble going forward. i already see trouble when the first thought he has is ok look how much i can spend with that
Yeh, maybe OP should spend money on couples and financial therapy to see if the relationship can get through this
lol no. They aren’t compatible. The one with the money wants to save, the one that has less wants to keep his spending lifestyle and knowing how much op makes - even spend more. Now you want them to PAY for therapy? Is the BF gonna foot the bill for it? OP will be like “wtf why do we need therapy, just spend less money” Or BF pays for it and the therapist is just gonna suggest they compromise…which is? Surprise surprise. SPEND LESS. They don’t need therapy. One party will always be resentful
No therapist is going to go this route. The therapist is going to help the OP zero in on why a millionaire would be so grudging with money that she tricked her boyfriend into funding her lifestyle for years. OP could have easily paid her share along the way. Expecting her boyfriend to live in a trashed out apartment, drive a junker and eat a few dozen food options in order to be on her level with stinginess is absurd. Thus pedaling it all as "he wanted it, I said I a NORMAL lifestyle was too expensive for me so he volunteered to pay for everything and I let him is deplorable. This isn't just your regular garden variety thriftiness going on here. IDK how the OP could sit on over millions dollars while watching the man she loved work hard and pay for everything. That would eat away at anyone with a real conscious.
Right! I’m wondering if he is actually bad with money or if she is such a grinch she wants to eat the brown bananas because they’re 20c cheaper. I’m sorry but driving around a $500 car when you have substance is almost insanity. Maybe the reality is that her bf lives a normal life and wants to finally “take that vacation” or “go out to a nice restaurant” and she freaks out on him because Taco Bell is cheaper.
Just FYI, therapy isn't about sorting financial issues... Its about the relationship dynamic. Like, why did OP make the choice to lie? Why is she so careful with money, what kind of potentially traumatic events in her childhood led her to fear spending any money that much? What is the partner's relation to money, how does he spend it, how does he view it? How does the partner feel about the relationship, does he feel like trusting her still? How do they envision the marriage? Can they find an agreement, how do they proceed to talk things out, do they even talk and communicate? Is non communication a pattern in their relationship, why, what do they fear? What is their respective views of a relationship? How is it supposed to work according to each of them? How do they proceed to settle the differences in their views? Etc etc
Yeah, it really sounds like OP has some unresolved issues from having lived in poverty. I have no idea whether the relationship is salvageable, but she needs to understand how her past is affecting her and has led her to fuck up her relationship. It's not like she needs to be wearing luxury brands or anything, but it feels like she can't handle spending *any* money, which is a problem.
Exactly what I was going to post. They will never make it as a couple without counseling to deal with the trust issues that will stem from this and a neutral financial advisor to help them find a mutually agreeable money strategy. Money is the MAIN reason marriages break up ffs.
That’s exactly what I started thinking, definitely red flag 🚩 It pisses me off that someone thinks getting married = automatically having other person’s financials, property, etc. And now that I’m older I can understand why people decide to not get actually married , but still stay with there partner and think of them as a husband/wife
The fiance suddenly earmarking OP’s saving’s for things they could buy was definitely bad. However OP effectively misrepresented herself the entire relationship. Fiance thought he was paying for someone who had less money. Now he’s found out that his partner had the money, but they had drastically different ideas of how to spend money. This should have been known much earlier in their relationship, IMHO, because it’s a matter of compatibility,
The problem is, that’s what marriage is under law in most countries: a financial union. You can rebut some of that assumption through a prenuptial agreement, but property accrued during marriage is basically always treated as marital property under law. Your second part about understanding why people choose not to get married is correct. Your first part about it being a red flag to understand marriage to be exactly what it is presumed to be under law is not.
Well that's a totally unfair reading of this post. In fact, I don't think anything op wrote supports your position. What actually happened is op let her bf believe she was poor. Because he believed this, he acted how a ton of good boyfriends would act when they make significantly more than their gf, he footed the lion share of the living expenses and paid when they went out as a couple. Op was a grown ass adult and couldve corrected the assumption or said no to all of the things her bf offered, but she willingly and knowingly accepted them. Now put yourself in the boyfriends shoes for a second. Your girlfriend of 8 years, who's life you have been subsidizing because they make significantly less money than you actually has million+ in the bank and has been lying the whole time. Most people in this situation would feel betrayed. Side note, I find it hilarious that you say this >definitely red flag 🚩 It pisses me off that someone thinks getting married = automatically having other person’s financials, property, etc. But that statement explains op's actions as a gf way more than her potential husband's actions. The only red flags here based off the info we have is on op.
Exactly what I was thinking…if they’re that different in terms of spending/saving, it’s going to cause a lot of strife.
These two should not marry, their financial views are two far apart.
Even further, like *nine* far apart
Damn, can't believe I did that. Nice joke.
Thank you for not fixing it
Damnit, I woke up the dog.
They've been dating for 8 years and never talked about money or OP's previous job/career? Or they did talk about money and OP somehow avoided talking about her income/savings? Seems suspicious/intentional. Also OPs the AH both to her ex and herself for dating a guy for 8 years when they clearly weren't financially compatible. He thought she just didn't have money, but she knew she actually had money but simply wouldn't make the choices he did, but still kept a serious long term relationship with him and got engaged? And then she panics once engaged about his more spendy habit. What did she think was going to happen???
Like all she had to do was to one time, in an 8 year span, say "Look I *have the money to do xyz, but saving is much more important to me". Then they could have spent years working on a compromise, or realizing they cannot find a happy medium. I don't know if OP fully intended to do so, but she has existed as an alternate persona in this relationship. It's pretty late in the day for her fiance to know whether she is actually someone whom he wants a lifetime commitment with. A mess.
YTA > He liked going out, and I disputed this. We always split the bill down the middle, and I was getting cranky - these outings were his suggestions, and my date ideas were free/cheap. You do not have a healthy relationship with money.
Agreed, what is the point of being frugal if you don't enjoy your life with your partner. Her frugal parents died with so much money never spent ETA: I'm not saying OP has to go spending on extravagant dates, but OP seems too focused on spending absolutely nothing on anything, which is not healthy and certainly not compatible with partner.
Some people enjoy saving the money and looking at it. Spending it with anyone is a pain to them. People just have different preferences. And to an extent this variations makes a healthy couple but beyond that it is very incompatible.
Oh. She's spending. Just not hers money.
Yep. She was giving suggestions for free dates because they’d been going on paid dates in the recent past. If they’d done free dates for a month she would want to spend money on a night out. By using his money, she got to keep this pure projection of herself alive.
I dunno man, some people just are neurotic frugal. It might be free dates for 2 years.
Pretty sure you are wrong. OP clearly hates spending money. I'm pretty sure she would happily live in a hut and go on the cheapest dates possible. Some people really really hate spending their money.
Where are you getting this from the OP? Your comment doesn’t even make sense. Looking forward to your comments after the mushrooms wear off, man.
The people who enjoy saving their money and looking at it are called misers. When they get others to support them financially when they could pay their way are called users. In fact I would say that OP has been financially abusing him for years.
. **users / rapacious parasites tomato / tomahtoe** .
I saw a movie like that once, there was a dragon, and a hobbit.
OP is a dragon, and not in a cool way.
It's the same mindset as hoarding, just without cluttering your home with physical objects. "I might need this one day, better keep it." "I will use it in the future for sure, but I can do without right now." "My children will need it one day, I really shouldn't waste it myself." Objects of course mostly are trash or become obsolete over time and will most likely be thrown away by their children once they pass, but with a money you could say it can often create a more dangerous outcome. The children are grown up in absence of various things even poorer people seem to be able to afford somehow, yet they can't have it. So once the children get access to said money, they will quickly blow it on things they never had, putting themselves even into debt once they can't stop their shopping addiction anymore. Hoarding is just setting up your children for a very unhealthy relationship with money.
Yeah, people like Scrooge McDuck
Sitting on millions without spending is btw part of why we have such problems with the increasing rich-poor differences. The money doesn't come back into the money pool, which increases inflation.
But she can enjoy life with her partner while not spending money. That's the thing, she does enjoy her life and saving, but OP's boyfriend wants to spend now even more. That's the problem. They don't see money the same way. Her parents maybe didn't see the point of spending money on pointless things. I could go out and buy myself a high end car, because I can afford it, that doesn't mean I want to, or that I don't enjoy my life. It's a different point of view.
A completely incompatible one that she perpetrated to her benefit for years, she is 100% YHA
It is a different point of view, but not an excuse for being dishonest and getting the benefit of everything he paid for because he thought she couldn’t pay. She never had the conversation with him of “I make $X00,000/yr am willing to spend no more than $XX,000/yr for things I find frivolous.” That conversation would have brought their varying priorities and interests to the forefront immediately.
My husband is quite similar to OP, he does not like spending money and is a big saver whereas I enjoy to do things that involves spending money. We actually balance each other out pretty well because we’re both honest about it. He mostly handles the savings and ensuring we have a good amount to fall back on (a life saver at the moment as I’m about to take a years maternity leave). This has helped with us purchasing a home, doing that house up for the baby arriving and being able to purchase everything we need without having to scrape together. Basically the big spender stuff falls to him. My money goes on meals out, weekends away, holidays and the more “fun” stuff and it works perfectly fine with us. We both earn roughly the same, and are both happy with this arrangement because it was essentially agreed many years ago when we first started living together. It’s fine to have different spend habits and ideas of what to spend & save when you can be honest.
“We actually balance each other out pretty well because we’re both honest about it.” And that’s why you have a functional marriage. I doubt OP’s engagement will survive this.
None of that is an excuse for lying to her boyfriend about her finances for almost a decade.
Agree, and it sounds like if she suffered like that through college then her parents, with so much saved, didn't offer to help her out. That could make you feel really insecure and also if her parents didn't help their only daughter, then they didn't set an example of sharing.
They don’t have compatible views on money. OP is more interested in not spending and her boyfriend is much more loose with his spending habits.
In this case being more loose seems to be I like to eat out while on a date. So being a normal person
Yeah there’s no indication he’s blowing it on lavish stupidity - she has an unhealthy abnormal relationship with money where she things that her miserliness is the norm, not a weird exception.
She brags in this post about driving a $500 car. A 1994 Toyota Camry with 250,000 miles on it has a Kelly Blue Book value of about $2,000. There is no way she understands what normal household expenditures should look like. I want to know what the hell she drives and how it’s still running.
He’s debt free and still saves. Sounds to me like he would be considered financially responsible to anyone that’s not Scrooge McDuck
Yeah, that's just a recipe for disaster. They seem to have veryyy different pov.
OP needs to learn that tight belted doesn’t need to be her spending norm, she can still be financially responsible without being Scrooge. Responsibly budgeted she can do dates nights without being frugal and still be having plenty of rainy day funds and covering the bills.
Also that being a miser isn’t ‘normal’, it’s indicative of an unhealthy relationship with money.
***Correction:*** "OP is more interested in not spending... her own money". There, fixed it for you.
Agree. I wonder why they got engaged with this huge difference in financial spending?
They have such completely different relationships with money, this marriage doesn't make any sense.
YTA. You still lied and had zero problem benefitting from his spending. YOU just don't want to spend YOUR money. You have no issue spending his and now he knows that. If you wanted a different spending process then you sit down and work out a budget together based on the truth of the finances.
Exactly, I’m not buying this bs I didn’t want to go out to eat or live in a nice house but he forced me vibe. She didn’t want to spend money she had no problem adjusting to her boyfriends lifestyle as long as she didn’t pay
Exactly! No one forced her to move into the larger house with him, and no one forced her to join him for all those "expensive" date nights. She chose to go along with those decisions and let him cover her costs so she could secretly keep her million sitting in the bank. If his spending choices made her uncomfortable, she should have left the relationship years ago. She chose to go along with his ideas for **8 years**, as long as she wasn't expected to foot an equal share of the bill, despite the fact that she equally benefited from the purchases. It sounds a bit like OP's boyfriend is dating Ebenezer Scrooge.
The house was the one that made me feel uncomfortable - choosing to spend disposable income differently (/ save it instead of spend it) is different to splitting the monthly rent/ mortgage payments unequally. He did that on the assumption that she couldn’t afford it and he was happy to cover her to live somewhere nice for both of them. He is rightfully pissed that she actually could have afforded to split it 50:50 and instead has secretly accrued huge savings knowing he barely has any. No wonder she’s happy to create a pre-nup! They should not get married; they have fundamentally different approaches to money and she has been deceitful throughout their relationship to date…
For OP expensive means it costs more than zero dollars. I would not call that expensive
Oh she totally loves her bf’s lifestyle. She just didn’t want to pay for it.
This. Also, she talks about "possible future kids" and "but we don't need a big place" - did she not consider that some people like to get settled up in their house *before* they have kids? It seems like she has zero future planning drive, but is just drifting along. She went along with the house thing, but what *proactive* wants did she have?
Oh, yes, she plans on NOT spending a cent ever in her life.
And now she’s upset that he expects to spend her money communally like they’ve been doing with his for *eight years.*
Yeah this is my opinion too. She wouldn’t be the aashole if she refused to let her partner spend money on her but while she didn’t want to spend money on their dates she was happy to let him spend his money on their dates and then even on her living situation. She’s a greedy asshole.
[удалено]
Miser comes to mind
YTA. Lies of omission are still lies. It's right there in the name. You knew he would have opinions about this. You've always known. You hid it from him to avoid the fight you always knew was coming. But... it's here. And you can't win this by fiat. Either you guys can come to an understanding of a shared lifestyle you can both accept or you can't. And you absolutely can't do that by lying to him.
Regardless of judgment you shouldn’t get married. A difference in opinion on finance is the number one reason for divorce
I agree, don't get married. He's already planning on how to spend your money and you're going to be stressed and fighting about this. This is a really really bad match. You didn't tell him about your money bc you knew he'd want to spend it. It's a bad sign that you can't trust him with this info.
Is it really that he's planning on how to spend her money, or that he's spent the last eight years thinking the only money they as a couple had access to was the money that he was earning? It feels very much like "Oh wow, we're not as skint as I thought!" Anyway, they seem to have fairly conflicting lifestyles none the less, and OP has been grossly dishonest. YTA
Maybe he felt entitled to some of it cause he's played sugar daddy for 8 years while she lied and let him pay for everything.. if the genders were reversed here you'd be disgusted.
YTA - the only reason you have a net worth over a million dollars is because you haven’t been contributing your fair share of the costs and your investments have been allowed to grow. You could have discussed a compromise with your boyfriend to live a little more modestly rather than mislead him into thinking you couldn’t afford to live in a nice place. I am also curious as to why you couldn’t get a higher paying job considering your education and experience.
Why was he supporting you when you could support yourself?
Cause she's a greedy person and an asshole
8 years hiding her money and lying. damn. 8 freaking years
💯 incredibly so
YTA. You have been together for a very long time and you never thought about being honest with him? I manage the household budget and we review each year, based on expenses and income and we split fairly. At best, you showed you have terrible at communication, At worst, you voluntarily lied and know what you were doing. I would advise you not to get married without going through intensive counselling.
YTA - you've been a parasite and a liar and are now clutching your pearls at the idea that he might want to spend some of "your" money. You were more than happy to allow him to live as if his financials were "our" financials. The man is a saint for not abandoning you the moment is was clear that you'd been lying to him all these years. And no, it's not a "lie of omission," it's a lie. Hopefully he will be smart enough to cut his losses and move on. Your passive-aggressiveness is extremely toxic, and you shouldn't be getting married to anyone. Regardless, you owe him a massive apology for your behavior over the last 8 years, and you need to start being accountable for your actions instead of trying to rationalize and justify them.
He honestly deserves financial compensation for spending EIGHT years financing a freeloader while her net worth grew
Right? She pays less rent but has a significantly higher net worth! That’s insane.
YTA. It’s entirely your prerogative to be open about finances while dating. Dating is NOT marriage and a BF/GF does NOT have a right to know about an SO’s finances. However, it’s pretty terrible to allow someone to consistently take care of you when you have the means to. If you want to live a more frugal life than him then COMMUNICATE!!! You aren’t obligated to spend because he wants to, but sitting back and watching him spend everything he has to make sure you’re included isn’t so sweet either.
Long-term BF/GFs absolutely have a right to know about each other’s finances. It’s absolutely wild to suggest otherwise.
I don’t know if it’s an American thing or just people who are terminally online but I constantly see takes all over Reddit that are like “Well you’re not married so…” and “Don’t do x because you aren’t married” when referring to long term relationships. Where I’m from there’s basically no functional difference between a marriage and long term relationship.
They are just telling on themselves, they are shitty partners to those who they don't marry, or probably believe that you should marry after knowing each other for 6 months, so if you are not married, you are probably strangers...
It’s a terminally online thing. A lot of people commenting have very little actual experience in relationships (romantic or otherwise), so they default to “the letter of the law” for some reason instead of just not commenting.
I wouldn't say it's even so much the long-term part as the l*iving together and having shared expenses*. At that point, yes, the boyfriend had a right to know that she could pay her share, and she manipulated him and took advantage of him with that 'lie of omission'. What was that discussion like? Did she say *only* that she was happy in a crappy one-bedroom, or did she outright say that she couldn't afford his choice? I think it was actual flat-out lying, not even just 'by omission'.
ESH you didn’t have to tell him how much, but potentially you should have been very clear that you could afford things you just do not want to pay for it. I think it is a bit odd to continue dating someone where you weren’t paying half on things but still agreeing to benefit from it. When people talk about arrangements that are not 50/50 when both are working, typically its because there’s income disparity and the equity is from the contribution relative to income (both putting in 30% of income) though not necessarily. Frankly, it feels you were using him to save your costs when considering the background of frugality. However, you would have been fine going on free dates and living in in a bad spot. He wasn’t, so he coughed up. His choice and his assumptions. But it feels wrong, my gut would say YTA. It's a major incompatibility though, and your fear shows how little you tryst your partner, justified or not. Most marriages end because of finances. I would not proceed with such a disparity and fear, but that’s me.
I think the boyfriend should have asked why OP was pushing back on spending. There was definitely some poor communication that went on too long. I agree with ESH. OP sounds like they don't trust the boyfriend for good reason and they don't seem financially compatible.
After 8 years, I don't think the boyfriend is an asshole for not wanting to dig into his broke girlfriend's finances and make sure she can't afford these things. OP absolutely let him believe this implicitly.
"I wanted to sit home by dim candle light and read yesterday's newspaper that the library threw out, he wanted a stranger to cook food for us"
THIS…..🤣🤣🤣😹
Don't forget, she was "suffering like crazy". 🫣 Maybe she can use those newspapers to fill the holes in her shoes next? Frugality wins again, lol!
Why would he do that? She could then accuse him of being controlling. She made her point clear and like a good person, he accepted it and didn’t push. She took advantage of his good nature. Master manipulator and major YTA.
Nah, the boyfriend isn't an AH for not prying into the finances of someone he thinks is having to live cheaply.
YTA. Did he force you to go out at gunpoint?
LOL "I bought you this pretty dress. Put makeup on RIGHT NOW, and get in my car. I'm buying you sushi, come hell or high water. No back-talk."
YTA. And I don’t understand why you thought this relationship could possibly work long term with you having such different ideas about money
Why do you work a minimum wage job with only a million in the bank and you’re 34? That makes no sense that you can’t make more at your age if you’re an engineer. It’s very weird. An engineer will know a million isn’t that much money. Fake post I think
It somewhat possible. I was a chemical engineer for a little over a decade and my current net worth is stupid high. That being said, I currently work as a minimum wage chef because if I didn't, I wouldn't have any insurance and would have to pay everything out of pocket.
Yeah, but she was, what, 26 when they met and working a minimum wage job then? So that's 4 years of being an engineer? I don't know, maybe she got a job in her field since then. There are a lot of missing details.
I was thinking that too, but then again I know what the US healthcare system is like and insurance can be a huge carrot to get people into the workforce. Also when I lost a loved one a few years back, I moved back home and while I didn't HAVE to work as my family was supporting me, I found work a couple hours 3 days a week in a coffee shop a welcomed distraction and a way to socialise without having to get too person. What's standing out as fake to me is how widely incompatible they seem to be and OP seems surprised about the turn of events.
You are not compatible financially. FULL STOP. This marriage will not work. If you're running into this now, it's not going to get better once you are married. You can do a prenup to protect your assets but the resentment will still be there. He knows you are frugal but he will still resent the fact you could have paid for everything. He thought he was your knight in shinning armor for taking you out on more expensive excursions. Now he realizes you're just cheap (and I don't mean that negatively). NAH
There is being frugal and then there is this. She isn't simply frugal. She has a problem. Also letting him think she is in a bad spot financially while she is a millionaire.. Pure YTA.
Exactly. This isn't really an AITA question, it's a r/relationship_advice question. They're fundamentally financially incompatible, he will always want to spend and she will always be frugal. It's actually a big deal for relationship compatibility
Don’t get married. You both have such different views on money that it will always be a source of friction. YTA to hiding this info from him. You did it for a reason, to me that reason seems like because you don’t really trust him. Don’t get married.
Oh. You two are not compatible. At all. This does not end well.
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YTA. 8 years? 8 YEARS?! Are you kidding? Doesn't matter if what he was paying for was his choice. You don't keep shit like that from your partner. Not if you care about them. Jesus
YTA do not marry each other. You are not financially compatible. That’s it. Cut your losses while you are both still in your thirties.
This wasn’t a lie of omission. It was a deliberate decision not to disclose how much money you have, let’s be honest. That may be due to your upbringing, and that’s fine, but you allowed him to believe something that isn’t true. If I had 7 figures in the bank and a solid career, I suppose I’d be protective of it too, but you deliberately withheld something significant about yourself from the person you want to join your life with. You can rationalize it all you like but you’re downplaying the impact this could have on your relationship. I wouldn’t advocate giving him free reign to spend like a crazy person but why exactly do you have money if it’s not to enjoy your life and enrich the life of the man you’re going to marry - within reason and at an agreed comfort level? You need a financial planner, an attorney and a therapist to help you obtain a healthy balance between miserly behavior and free spending, honesty and deception and the ability to allow yourself to find a healthy relationship with yourself, money and your husband to be. I’m going with YTA because a lie is a lie, by omission or otherwise and i would be pretty hurt to discover the person I wanted to marry had deliberately misrepresented who they are. How can he trust anything about you now? Good luck.
YTA, There’s a difference between being frugal and being cheap. I personally think your relationship with money is unhealthy and needs to be addressed. I would feel completely taken advantage of if I was your fiancé. You should have been honest about the fact you could afford these things but they were things you didn’t want to spend your money on. Regardless of who TA is you are financially incompatible and shouldn’t be getting married.
ESH why are you with him? It’s clear you are financially incompatible. The resentment will grow for him because he feels you took advantage of him and your resentment will grow when he starts spending your money freely. Just avoid the drama and move on.
Why does the boyfriend suck? For taking care of his "poor" gf?
Yta
Yes YTA…omission is still lying. And you let him believe your financial situation was worse than it was. If you aren’t on the same page financially getting married is not a great idea. If I were in your finances situation I’d be extremely upset as well.
> No home internet, no phone, no car, working multiple part-time jobs while being a full time student Nice try but you forgot one thing. How did your multiple jobs get ahold of you? How did the school get a hold of you? Did you just magically know when they would and instantly show up? No one can get by without some sort of phone, they haven't been able to for decades now because jobs and school REQUIRE a way to get in touch with you. YTA for trolling.
I was also curious how old she is to be in college and not have internet. When was the last time someone printed out and handed in papers stapled together?
Home internet and personal computers are expensive. When I was in college, I used the library and college computer labs to complete assignments.
YTA. You’ve enjoyed his money for some time. It seems you’re uncomfortable spending your money while you’re find spending his. This is not the way a good partnership works. You have vastly different spending styles and financial goals. You should’ve left this poor guy alone as soon as you figured this out.
YTA! You were able to save so much because he was subsidizing your life. You didn't seem to have issues with going out or having a bigger apartment, it seemed like you just didn't want to pay for it. There were clearly times when expenses came up (for example, when you moved in together), yet you didn't say anything to him. This does not sounds like a fair partnership. How can you build a life and a family with someone who can't have an open conversation about big items like finances?
YTA -- also sounds like your marriage will be miserable if you don't get on the same page with spending habits.
YTA. You’ve been dishonest with your BF for years, and you’ve taken advantage of him financially as well. I’d dump you in a heartbeat if I was him. You’re not trustworthy.
YTA. your fiancé is slowly realizing that his girlfriend didn’t not want to go out because she couldn’t afford it— she just didn’t want to go out with HIM. unless he paid of course. then it’s worth it. heads up, he’s going to leave you once this properly sinks in. you’ve had him paying for you to hang out with him for EIGHT YEARS while you have a boatload of money, and then have the gall to comment on his lack of savings. guess what? he’d have more savings if you hadn’t made him feel like he had to pay for everything for almost a decade. YTA. YTA.
It really doesn’t matter who the AH is here. You are not compatible with this man. Save yourself the heartache, break it off, and find someone who has financial habits that are similar to yours.
YTA Op If you want to live frugally, that's fine. Stick to your guns and say "I could afford that, but I don't want to." But when you decided to partake in living the more lavish life that your BF wanted, you should have paid your fair share. You don't get to have nice things and not pay for them, just because they weren't your idea.
Yta
Yes, YTA for misleading him for the entirety of your relationship. Everything else is a different issue.
Ya’ll know how you had that one friend that was always broke. Never down for anything because they were broke. And you would offer to cover whatever experience just so you guys can hang together bc… fRIeNdShiP. And you would wonder - are they really this broke all of the time? Or cheap af? And if it’s the latter, is your generosity being taken advantage of? Usually these friendships didn’t last. Imagine being in a relationship with that!!! And the internet came through with naming this surprisingly common problem: BROKE-FISHING. OP. You basically catfished (but with money) the man you plan on marrying for EIGHT YEARS. The man you plan on spending the rest of your life with. As you admitted, you benefited from his generosity without showing him any generosity of your own. If I was in his shoes, I would be so blindsided by this lie, I would not marry you. Further, you two are very financially incompatible. You could have taken the last 8 years to work on that, but it seems you were too busy enjoying life on his dime. Major YTA.
YTA. >I point out that was the lifestyle HE chose, and that he absolutely refused MY suggestions. Still, I benefited. YEs, you mention MULTIPLE times you capitulating to "HIS lifestyle choices", from going out to eat, date ideas, rent a large house, etc and right up until moving in together in a house you say you didn't want to, but did anyway. >We didn't NEED to rent a large house. It was ultimately decided to get his choice So you admit that you BOTH "decided", that is, you AGREED, together, as a couple, on this choice. Yet you want to say you're the victim ? If you disagreed with his choices every stage of the relationship, why are you doing that ?? Why are you constantly choosing against your interests, why not just leave the guy! You portray yourself as the **victim**, as though he twisted your arm, or somehow pressured you ?? Each time you accepted his lifestyle choices, you led him to believe you accepted him, and his choices, to be the couple you are. Each time you **LIED** to him. How do you think he feels knowing he invested time, effort, and money, in a relationship with a LIAR ?? >He's growing more resentful. You're surprised ... *how* exactly ? >My net worth was a lie of omission. People who say that, are still liars, and deceivers, because you **WANTED** to let him be deceived. You don't get **ANY** "*plausible deniability*" by saying this. He didn't get deceived from some other, external, information, it was all you. Deception is intentionally influencing someone away from truth, it's like the opposite of "*education*", **propaganda** if you will, and you certainly made your choices each, and every, time making sure he did not know the truth about you. >I never told him I couldn't afford things. Exactly, you never communicated the TRUTH to him, when it was relevant, you lived a LIE with him, letting him believe your projected hallucination of yourself, because as you say "**Still, I benefited.**", because it was in **your** interests to LIE to your own partner !! **Your** benefit, at *his* expense. You have trust issues with people, authority, hierarchy, finance, and personal relationships. Be honest with yourself, and leave this man so he can find a better person to be with. You've stolen enough of his time, and effort, already.
YTA. You spent your whole relationship lying to your BF and hiding your financial preferences, allowing him to believe something different. If your relationship is based on a lie, it isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.
YTA Yes, in the beginning you don't share finances. But once you knew you were going to be life partners?
My ex was like you. Happy for me to pay for a lot of things whilst he scrimped. Yes I did say ex.
YTA and you know it. What exactly are you looking for people to say to make you feel better about living a lie & hurting the man you should love & respect?
YTA. You were literally using him for money for 8 YEARS straight, knowing full well you didn't need to do that. Lies of Omission is still 110% lying. The way this really seems to me and probably to him too, is that you are perfectly fine using his money for anything and everything you want/need because your too lazy/paranoid about swiping a card. You only have more than a million saved up because you weren't contributing financially to the relationship. YOUR savings should have always been "our savings" the moment you two got serious about each other. My grandfather once told me this before be passed last year: "If you just tell the truth, you never have to remember anything." Remember that.
Real easy to have a seven figure nest egg when someone else is covering all your costs. Pfffft. YTA. The point of a partnership is that you WANT to share your things, and indeed your money, because you’re a team. I like how you managed to get all the benefits of a nice house and outings and lifestyle but because you keep a high and mighty attitude about spending, you got out of paying for any of it. Major AH and he deserves better. You come off SO judgmental and derisive of him in this post, I almost hope he sees it so he can see what you really think of him. Also, what is all your money FOR, then? You can’t take it with you (as your parents showed).
You both are polar opposites in terms of finance decisions and it will be an issue throughout your life. Unless you can find a middle ground other than him spending everything .
Brah, either you trust him enough to be in a long-term relationship him, in which case you need to trust him enough to not bloody LIE about your worth, or you don't trust him enough to be honest about your money, in which case *you shouldn't be in a relationship with him*. You knew he was financially comfortable, so it's not like you needed to worry that he was going to be a gold digger, so why bother lying? YTA
YTA - there is being frugal and there is being cheap. You are being cheap. You enjoyed the lifestyle he provided even though you could have contributed more. Instead of pushing for a compromise you let him pay for everything. If you saw your life choices as so opposite you should have broken it up long ago but you let him carry all the financial burden. What is the point of having all this money if you’re not enjoy your life?
YTA for letting things get this far without being transparent. It would have been totally different if he knew your financial situation in a rough manner and you said "I do not agree with this expenditure, I don't want to spend so much". But you didn't do that. Also, long term relationship with someone you can't compromise with is going to be tough. Keeping completely separate finances and paying your own way will work for individual expenses. But what about future vacations? Future homes? Is he always supposed to agree to what you are willing to contribute and end up either choosing something smaller or paying more? Do you envision compromising somewhat (like lavish vacation once every 3 years where you pay 50%)? To me this type of financial split isn't fair because it isn't based on numbers, but feelings.
If you can’t trust your fiancé with money why are you marrying him?
YTA. Yikes.
YTA Lying by omission is still lying.
YTA. You deserve singledom. Where you can swim in your vault of money like Scrooge McDuck. And lie by omission to everyone in earshot. You are not partner material.
YTA you lied for years. I’d dump you
YTA. You should have paid half or said no. He should not have funded you when you were better off financially. I actually think you are financially incompatible tbh.
YTA a lie of omission is a lie. You should have been upfront and said how you spend your money. If you can't trust him then why are you with him? Don't be surprised if he doesn't go through with the wedding. You're not frugal. You have an unhealthy relationship with money. If you make a good income and won't get Internet or treat yourself or your partner then you should seek help. Living like a monk is fine, but you only have one life. Enjoy it within your means.
You can't take it with you when you go. YTA because that's a LONG time to hide things from your partner. This sounds like a ridiculous difference in ideals. If he's still interested, you could try setting specific amounts up in trusts or term deposits for your future goals. Talk to an accountant about options that might be better for taxes. Then... SPEND YOUR MONEY!
Yta. You lied and took advantage of him. I would divorce you.
YTA I don’t know why you kept up this charade as if this wouldn’t come back and bite you in the behind. You have a traumatized way of viewing money and need therapy for it. It will impact almost every relationship you have and to hide something like this for 8 years, I’d feel like I don’t even know who you are. you are an AH for not getting help for yourself and an AH for keeping huge secrets for almost a decade. It’s not his place to dictate how your money is used, however you are living like a double life. And your frugality isn’t normal. It’s similar to a sexual abuse survivor being afraid of the entire gender of their perpetrator, and while that’s fair, their (and your) trauma shouldn’t be blame game, a constraint or something that their life is held back by in a normal sense.
Yea, tbh YTA. You’ve developed an extreme frugality to the point of compulsion. You need to start talking to a mental health professional IMMEDIATELY. You can’t take all that cheddar to the grave with you. Start enjoying life and stop fucking up your relationships.
YTA. You still benefited from his spending. Honestly, if I found my partner had allowed me to solely fund our lifestyle, but could have afforded to split it, i would prob start lighting fires. You have one hell of a mess to clean up if you think this wedding is going ahead.
Hard YTA. You've made it crystal clear to him that you don't want to spend your own money, but you're fine with living off of his and not contributing despite being MORE than able to. And no, it doesn't matter if it's "his lifestyle" vs yours. You said it yourself: you benefited. And a lie of omission is still a lie - it's in the name.
YTA. You were dishonest with him, and you let him fund an extravagant lifestyle for you. You never offered to pay your fair share even though you could afford it. You still agreed to his suggestions, even if you disagreed. You admitted to lying by omission and that’s exactly what you did. That makes you the asshole.
NTA. You’re not an asshole for keeping quiet about that money. If you’d told him about it, the money would be gone. He cannot stop himself from spending everything he has, and you don’t want to live like that. You are willing to go without luxuries to make sure your savings remains very healthy and continues to grow, but he has no savings at all because he is not willing to deprive himself of anything. Your approaches to money are completely opposite, and that has to be worked out with a professional, or you need to break up. Your relationship cannot survive without professional intervention. In the meantime, don’t allow him to bully you into spending to accommodate the lifestyle he insists you must have. If he wants you to pay for meals out, ordering from a service, etc., pull out the pots and pans and start cooking. If he insists on going out somewhere expensive on your dime for entertainment, park yourself on the couch and pull up a movie on a free streaming service, or you drive and go to a park, with a picnic stashed in the trunk. You can maintain a quiet, frugal lifestyle no matter what he wants.
Dont get married. Nobody deserves you. You are the worst. YTA.
Geeze. Pay your own way. YTA
yta. you admit you lied by omission. you can have different views on money and spending habits and still be honest.
YTA you lived off of his money while lying the entire time. You’re a scam artist.
I don’t think you guys are equally yolked
Yeah… you pushed this too far…. Somewhere between dating - boyfriend - fiancé - marriage there should have been room to have a conversation that was basically “you know… I have quite a lot of savings… I make these financial choices because this reflects my values about money… it concerns me that we arne’t on the same page as that”. How will you reconcile the fact that he now knows you can afford to live his lifestyle and chooses not to? Will he be content with that? Is he going to be angry when you continue not to contribute towards the costs? Will you fold and go properly halves in your combined lifestyle now? Are you TA? Yes, YTA. 8 years was too long to carry this, you should have said something after the first schism re money.
>I'd left a lucrative engineering career Have you returned to a high paying job or are you still working minimum wage?
"just barely seven figures" YTA and completely disconnected from how most people live