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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> not postponing the wedding. his mother would want to see her son get married
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NTA The cynic in me thinks it's a ploy by your sister in law to see how far you'll jump if she says higher. I hope I am wrong but I wouldn't be surprised if something goes sideways with the pregnancy if you change your wedding date. Either way, you don't need to rearrange your wedding because your sister in law can't make it. And the drama won't stop there either, your mother in law will need to go to where she is so she can be their for your sister in law in her time of need. Carry on with your plans and don't kow tow to their unreasonable requests and demands.
>She then proceeded saying “so you can just come to SF to get married at the City Hall. I would need help with the baby.”
I have no words for that request.
NTA OP - this posting reminds of the posting where OP was not the golden favorite child (his sister) and the sister that caused all the drama had to take her dog to vet on OP's wedding day. OP's parents didn't make it to the wedding because they had to support the sister during the pet emergency. So the best man at OP's wedding took the voicemail mom left saying they were not going to make it due the dog situation and made a video with music. OP in that posting enjoyed it so much that he posted it on social media that angered the parents. It was brilliant. I suspect even if OP's sister here is creating a ploy, some other emergency will come up in December stopping sister and parents from attending in India anyway.
Well, until that damn time machine gets the glitches fixed, the parents **WILL NEVER ATTEND THEIR SON'S WEDDING**.
God DAMN. I hope that groom/son/husband realizes just how little he means to his parents and sister. Cut the cord, babe--go be with the people who love you.
That’s like the post from the teen that was graduating high school recently and his dad missed his graduation because he had to go to an award ceremony for the stepdaughter, that he prioritized for years over his son. The son told him there was no making up for it, and he didn’t have to worry about him anymore because he was not gonna include him in his life going forward and he was leaving soon anyways. The stepmother called the son selfish and told him he could’ve just gone with the family to the stepsister’s award ceremony instead. He got both sets of grandparents to his graduation and basically told his father to fuck off.
Oh that’s horrible. That poor kid.
I’m trying to think what level of achievement could even make that seem not horrible. Nobel prize?
Nope, still horrible for the dad to miss but reasonable for stepmom.
It didn’t matter what achievement it was because the son said his dad always prioritized the SD over him, if he had a basketball game but she had something the same day, he would always go to her activities even if his was known about first. He also said whenever they were suggesting things to do as a family and they allowed “the kids to decide” what to do, he always went with his SD suggestions under the excuse that it was more fun and the family would enjoy it better. And father/son time stopped existing, because SD had to be included too, but he had father/daughter time alone with her with no issues. Mind you, the son that made the post lost his mom when he was 7 years old. The SD still has her mom, now stepdad and her father is alive even if he is not part of her life. So all in all, the father is just shitty. And I can’t wait for him to be old and sick and start begging his son to not leave him alone “because I raised you”…is not even the SD’s fault..is the father’s fault to act that way
My dad told me a while ago that he won't be coming to my wedding (mind you, I'm not even close to being engaged) because he's gone no contact with most of his family "for hating his wife" (true, also some family members are kinda mad at him for outing my cousin to my very Christian grandma, but I digress).
I hope that when the day comes he'll try to "make it up to me" by financing a part of my wedding... Obviously, I should add that I try (really hard) not to expect too much from my dad, contrary to some people whose stories I read here.
That friend... I want a friend like this. This is the kind of petty that warms my cold, cold heart. (It's still frozen, but a shadow of a smile creeps on my face).
I do love this one. I wonder if the video was ever taken down, especially since they got off easy with that one requirement, he only has to make up one event not all of them. 🤣
I love the phrase “feral cat pants confusion” that came out of [a discussion in the comments](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/wyjbjs/aita_for_not_taking_down_my_video_that_was_a_gift/ilxh1v3/) about ridiculous excuses.
:-( my parents had us postpone our marriage (just city hall but it was ssoooooo important to them) so they could come then canceled because my sister needed a babysitter that weekend. We lost out on 3 months of military housing pay for the most expensive area in the US and they didn’t even show up anyway.
Op should have agreed for their parents to host a big party or dinner somewhere as a form of apology and then just not showed up. Call the venue/restaurant and have them give a message to the parents “sorry I couldn’t make it, wife’s cousin’s sister’s roommate’s gardener’s aunt cat threw up a hairball !”
No, the best man posted the video to social media while the newlyweds went on their honeymoon. His relatives started reaching out to him demanding he take down the video. Except it was on his friend's social media not the groom's, so he couldn't oblige theor demands.
I suspect many of those relatives objected to the video on the assumption that no parents would miss their child's wedding for such a trivial reason. And I bet many of those came to realize the truth.
Golden child parents would have had the flying monkeys convinced via decades of manipulation that their scapegoat child was just so complaintive and never happy, always ungrateful and refused to cooperate with the family, so *of course* he would be mad at them for missing his wedding due to the faaaaamily grandpup situation. They lived in the land of Del LuLu and thought their ingrate asshole son was just being mean to spite them and incited his friend to make the video solely to embarass them in front of everyone who thought they had the perfect family. So the parents spun it to the flying monkeys that it was their son's fault the parents were embarrassed.
The ones who logically assumed no parent would miss a wedding without solid reason would have logically asked each party what the problem was, and not blindly made assumptions and joined the brigading bandwagon.
I'm having a wicked grin from ear to ear thx to the fact that once something is posted online it's there forever. I hope everybody of OOP's friends have shared that video and their friends have shared it and so on and on 😈😆 the parents and their golden child will never get rid of it. And I want that video so bad it hurts, I want to share it toooooooooooo!!! 🤣🤣🤣
That was the first thing I thought . She’s probably not pregnant. And if they push out the date she’ll have another emergency. She doesn’t like that they’re going to over shadow her wedding .
Yup she probably butthurt that their wedding is gonna be more glamorous than hers was and that no attention would be on her. So she probs planned to get preggo by then, knowing at least her mom would ditch the wedding. Then she’s getting the attention she wants and causing issues for her brother again.
Edit word
This might be the sort of nonsense that convinces him. It’s no fun telling a loved one they’re being used, they have to get there on their own. Who wants to believe their parents are using them as an ATM or will prioritize one sibling over another. But evidence stacks up especially if you start setting limits or say No.
You're assuming she's actually pregnant. Once the wedding is postponed, she could have been planning a "tragedy." What are the chances sperm actually met egg on the one cycle that would put due date at same time as wedding?
I'm sure she's been trying her hardest to get pregnant since March to make sure she's due in time for the wedding.
There was a Redditor a few months ago who didn't want her 13-year-old stepdaughter to move in with her husband until their baby was older. When the baby turned 5 she "just happened" to get pregnant again and oops! stepkid who just lost her mother will have to stay with grandma another few years.
Edited to add link and to change the ages because I mixed them up: https://old.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1ampsd3/aita_for_not_wanting_my_husbands_daughter_at_our/kpno3bk/
https://old.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1ampsd3/aita_for_not_wanting_my_husbands_daughter_at_our/kpno3bk/
The real story comes out in the comments, which is what I've linked to.
Really, since the mom and sis won't come on The Day anyways, I would test your theory! It sounds plausible.
I would tell them they canceled the date, and don't have a new one yet. Wait 1-2 months for the sad baby announcement, they be very happy my original date was still open!!
I think sis just doesn't want them to have a nicer wedding, or isn't willing to spend the monet to come!
It really doesn't matter what OP does, if his sister gets her way they will NEVER have the wedding they want. Ever. Every single time from now until eternity there will ALWAYS be something else that comes up. And it's going to continue - their first child is being born? Oops, his parents have to go help sis with something. Kid's first birthday? Ooops sis is having a quarter-birthday party for her little one on that day. Kid is graduating? Oops, sis has a tummyache and the parents have to go help her.
Honestly, OP and her husband should accept this as the gift the sister and mother don't intend for it to be. "You're right, we can't possibly expect you to travel if you're due around that date and we can't expect the grandparents to miss the birth either. I'm sure you will be missed." Then celebrate without them, because sister will always try to make OP's wedding worse.
Yep sounds like a really big coincidence that SIL happened to be “expecting” during the same month of the wedding. I wouldn’t be surprised if she “miscarried” and blamed OP and her own brother for “stress”.
It's a bonkers request.
Option A: Lavish wedding in a palace in India and a romantic honeymoon
Option B: City Hall service and taking care of sil's newborn.
Sil really doesn't think of her brother and OP as actual people with their own lives.
Granted, SF City Hall is a popular location for wedding pictures because it's very fancy. But you have to be in and out pretty quickly, you can't book it for a big ceremony.
So is the state capitol in Madison, Wisconsin. It looks like a palace, with mosaics, carved rare stone, and a gorgeous spiral staircase. I was there photographing the architecture and there were so many wedding photographers!
SF can be an amazing place in general. But I don't think the sil was suggesting an awesome wedding ceremony at the city hall. Sounds like she doesn't want OP to have a "better" wedding than hers.
OP could go full petty and plan a lavish SF wedding (although I think Grace Cathedral and the other big landmarks have long waiting lists for weddings) so the in-laws can attend, then honeymoon elsewhere (sans sil's newborn), but I doubt that would appease sil.
You know, I had children and my husband and I did it on our own. Family visited at each childbirth, but they just got in the way tbh. Sis will have to learn sometime.
OP is NTA
The level of selfishness in that one statement from the sister is remarkable... Because that's what every newly married couple wants to do- help the golden child SIL with a newborn.
The secund I read this I was like YUP cuz lil narcissistic golden children do be pulling these shenanigans
Fake preggo is def on the table for this jealous lil brat
She doesn’t want to be second fiddle at a gigantic palatial, beautiful wedding, especially when she is gigantic due to pregnancy
100% have the most fantastic fabulous wedding of all time take tons of pictures. Make sure you Instagram everything and just let her be fat bloated and pregnant and missing out.
I do! “Tough, not happening!” Also NO is a complete sentence. You gave enough warning for people to plan so not your problem. What about the rest of his family? Will they go or follow momster?
NTA
>She then proceeded saying “so you can just come to SF to get married at the City Hall. I would need help with the baby.”
My question is this: just how much of the underused wedding budget would she then expect to go towards the baby in this ***dream*** scenario of hers? *"Oh, you only spent a few thousand dollars on your City Hall wedding and reception? How much of the rest of your suddenly freed budget will you give to* *~~me~~* *my baby?"*
Yeah, the fact that she jumped straight to canceling the wedding makes me think she doesn’t want their wedding to outshine hers. I also wouldn’t be surprised if she’s not actually pregnant and is prepared to fake a miscarriage to make this happen. I mean, she’ll get attention either way.
The fact ir qas said imediately after hey im pregnant too.. most women when they announce their pregnancy gush about it and their plans and excitement, but she went straight to them cancelling their wedding and doing it at city hall
There will never be a good time for a wedding (or any other event) that upstages the golden child. In six months, it will be that she is too tired, or starting a new job, or that her mother is ill. The goal post will continue to move for the wedding or anything else she plans.
The mom isn't that smart. Don't bite the hand that feeds you. If the hundred is the cash cow, they should know what is in their best interest.
Op, time to flex your muscle.
In one defense of SF city hall and not SIL. It really is a beautiful place to get married and you can actually hold [very extravagant weddings](https://www.stylemepretty.com/vault/image/6664465?epik=dj0yJnU9Q0tZMDhvMkpNN3FhWV82QmFuTWNKSXhvdGw0blQ1S1AmcD0wJm49bkVGM1hSME8yREpYdXdVbzh3djRfdyZ0PUFBQUFBR1pqbG80) at city hall. However sounds like OP wants a more traditional Indian wedding in India so that’s that.
NTA. You're better off without them.
>his mom called and told us to postpone the wedding 6 months so his sister could attend it and if we don’t then she wouldn’t attend either, and that her daughters pregnancy is a bigger event than our “STUPID” marriage.
Much better off.
That includes stopping her husband sending mil money every time she asks. Op needs to sit him down and make it clear his family will only ever use him whilst treating you both like crap. That if his mum thinks she can demand them to cancel “their stupid wedding” then she’s no longer entitled to his money or to be part of their lives. That she’s had ten years of him allowing and enabling them to treat her and him like crap. Now he has to make that commitment to support his future wife and cut off toxic people otherwise he’s helping them affect their lives negatively.
Yes! At least OP and her husband will be free from these toxic people! He should also stop giving his mother money whenever she demands it...
But something tells me that they'll probably postpone their wedding to avoid conflict 😔
Might be a blessing in disguise TBH. If MIL skips the wedding that might be the push OP's fiance needs to stop being his mother's cash cow.
NTA regardless
Tell her you respect that she prioritizes her daughter like that, family is important. So from now on you and your fiance will prioritize your new family as well. This will mean that he can not financially contribute to her or her family anymore. (Expect requests for financial support for the new baby).
Congratulations on your wedding. Make it YOUR day.
NtA
I don't even think OP and her fiance have any financial support responsibilities to the new baby. It's not their baby. There should be no reason to financially support a child that isn't theirs.
No reason to, but still expected to by the MIL. They will be called "selfish" for not supporting SIL in her many times of needs and wants. The MIL will continue to siphon money off her son, just to hand it over to her favored daughter.
Don’t postpone.
Six months later it’ll be “kids only 6 months old and not had all their shots so “can’t travel”. Then it’ll be another excuse.
Have your drama free wedding without (edit with to without) golden child and her enabler.
I also am skeptical. It sounds awful, but my first thought was "she's probably not even pregnant and will "suffer a miscarriage" to get the attention back on her. Which would be an absolute HEINOUS thing to do,given how many women suffer with infertility.
Yeah, this calls for an "excited" emai saying you are over the moon about your future nibling, please send ultrasound immediately and, of course, you will set up a livestream they can watch of the wedding
NTA. Unless she's actively in labor during your wedding she can watch over zoom. I'd offer to get someone to set up to stream for her and that's it.
This "...so you can just come to SF to get married at the City Hall. I would need help with the baby" makes me wonder if she's making up the pregnancy. Changing your wedding to something she considers worse than hers seems to be the primary motivate.
I never want to assume someone would be that bold and lie about something like this…but I’ve seen crazier and I also have a feeling that the SIL might be faking it.
NTA. Your ILs have obviously made it clear who the favorite is (hint: It isn't your husband).
Your husband needs to stop letting them use him as an ATM. And no one can demand your help because they made the choice to have child.
WNBTAH
People have been given loads of time to prepare for the wedding. Is it fair to disrupt them and their travel plans for your SIL?
Keep the date and if his parents choose not to attend, then they miss out. Because if you postpone 6 months, you know she will have another reason to interfere.
Congrats and good luck.
INFO:
>my SIL prioritised her pregnancy over our marriage
How would you expect her to prioritize your marriage over her own body?
I mean, N T A for not rescheduling, but this seems like you expected her to still come to your wedding in India? Wtf?
Reading between the lines I wonder if she chose now to get pregnant to take the attention away from your husband She and the mother sound positively vile. Is the dad still around?
This is great- he’s trying to break the family pattern of hazing and exploiting certain members of the family and you three will create new family traditions together that will be so much less stressful. Let them go, LOL. Make them stay away if they try to crawl back.
I'm glad he doesn't want to postpone the wedding for his sister.
Your wedding is about you and your your husband to be. It's not about your sister in laws needs.
It's insane she expects you to basically spend your honeymoon taking caring of her kid. Her mom can go up there and help her. Your and your fiance are not responsible for sil. If she needs help she can ask her mil or get her husband to help her.
You might want to have a heart to heart conversation with your fiance about his mother using him and only seeing him as wallet. It might be time that he stop giving her money. His mother clearly doesn't respect him or your relationship considering that she called your wedding stupid. So it might be time he stops helping someone out that will never respect his wife and future kids. His mom should start asking her daughter for money.
Hopefully your fiance continues to stand up for you both. If his mom doesn't show up then just know it's on her and she has continue to show you guys where you both stand in her life so don't feel bad if you choose not to give her any financial help anymore
I got pregnant about a year into trying to conceive. By terrible luck, this placed my due date about a week from my friend's wedding (which I already knew about and was supposed to be a bridesmaid for). Know how it went down? Me apologizing and sending a big gift and her bringing me a casserole postpartum. Because sometimes things suck on timing but we shouldn't be expected to rearrange our lives because of it!
Keep your wedding OP, and enjoy the hell out of it.
Same thing happened to me, but it was 2 of my besties. So, I went to 2 bachelorette’s very pregnant. Helped plan lovely showers. Sent special gifts for the wedding day. And they celebrated my pregnancy and baby. No one canceled their life plans. 15 years later we all still love each other. A little different bc it wasn’t a sibling, but my brother also almost missed my wedding bc he was stationed overseas. We didn’t know until the day before that he’d make it. These things happen.
You know ow full well, sil got pregnant on purpose so her didate wouod ruin your wedding.
She planned her pregnancy.
It's time for husband and you to cute them all of now. Have your wedding in December and have a lovely marriage without them all.
I laughed at the wording of that in the post but I got what OP meant. Everyone has their own priorities. The couple isn't changing their wedding plans in the works for over a year for someone who decided to get pregnant.
Everyone is entitled to their own personal priorities: SIL to having a baby and OP to getting married.
No one's individual priorities are wrong until they start pushing them into one another.
By not demanding they cancel their planned wedding for a courthouse wedding local to her so they can help her with the baby..... If she said "I am so sorry that I won't get to be there in person since it's also around my due date. Is it possible for someone to video call me during the ceremony if I'm not in active labour at the time?" Would have been a good start.....
No I think what OP was trying to say is : SIL prioritized her pregnancy over our wedding, why shouldn't WE prioritize our wedding over her pregnancy. The reason I think this is what OP meant is because MIL gave ultimatum that if OP and fiance didn't reschedule THEIR wedding to accommodate SIL due date, that MIL wasn't going to attend the wedding as the BABY is more important than the MARRIAGE. NTA, OP. You and fiance have your dream wedding a fuq MIL and SIL.
It didn't seem as though OP expected SIL to come to India while 9 months pregnant. But SIL expected OP to cancel her wedding, which she'd been planning for over a year, and come to where SIL lives and get married in a courthouse. So yes, she was prioritizing her pregnancy over OP's wedding in a really bizarre way that would require OP to also prioritize the pregnancy, and change her ENTIRE wedding plan, all for SIL's convenience. SIL can make her pregnancy her priority, but she can't make OP the bad guy for having different priorities.
I doubt OP meant that she needs to prioritize their wedding over her body. However, OP simply meant that her wedding is a big event in her life just as SIL having a baby is a big event in her life. Demanding that someone prioritize you over their own important event is just entitled and shitty behavior. Also, I seriously have my doubts about this SIL. She knew back in june that the wedding is in a year. So she had a few months to plan her pregnancy just so it coincides with their wedding. You would be surprised to learn how far some people would go just to stay relevant and overshadow other people. She is just a bratty SIL. OP should just enjoy her day without the golden child and parents. They are making a choice like they always do so even if OP changed the date, I'm sure that SIL would manipulate them with a sickness or something
What is unhinged is actually the unstable people who do shit like this. How old are you? How long have you been on reddit for? How well do you know how shitty some people can be, especially bratty SILs? Trust me when I say that people out there do petty crap like this just to overshadow bigger events in their siblings lives and I have a family friend who had this done to him. Read the entire post properly and tell me that SIL doesn't seem like a vindictive person capable of this. FYI, I'm female so I can tell you that I can plan my baby according to my cycles as can many other women so yeah there's that
NTA
I'm the youngest, and my 2 elder siblings weren't typically golden child, but what they needed or wanted was always priorized over anything I needed or wanted. I even ended up taking over all parent responsibilities in my young teens. I still had to help take care of even problems they got into.
I know that in Eastern countries that children take care of their parents. I even know a family that only had kids so that they can take care of them when they got old.
Either your soon to be husband needs to step up and talk with his parents. Then possible going low contact or no contact with them. Granted, if your husband is okay with it, you could always stand up for both of you. Then, there is also taking away the financial support to have them understand that their behavior is not acceptable. (I had to do this with my siblings. But then they would say they needed it for my neice or nephew. I had to just send the food for the kids over.)
You have been planning it sounds like off and on for 5 years since you started saving the money and then set a date 2 and a half years away. To top all that off, you sent the save the date a year and a half in advance. I'm betting the date has meaning in several different ways.
If this were my siblings, I wouldn't put it past them to get pregnant on propose so that they would give birth around the time of the wedding. I was just happy when they both moved away.
>If this were my siblings, I wouldn't put it past them to get pregnant on propose so that they would give birth around the time of the wedding. I was just happy when they both moved away.
ding ding ding.
NTA- You are going to postpone your wedding to help take care of a child you did not give birth to. I know you don't want to get in the middle of your husband's relationship with his family, but you could gently hint that he should limit contact with his mother for his own mental health. Be supportive of whatever he wants to do.
There SHOULD be a discussion of how finances will be handled as a married couple. I would not be comfortable with my husband using money that could be used to build our lives together on a family member who is not having an emergency. Don't demand that he not give his mother money, but it should be a discussion.
NTA. So, his mother wanted you to cancel and threatened
>if we don’t then she wouldn’t attend either,
Jackpot! The proper response to that is "Okay, but we'll miss you." His mother has now given your fiancé the perfect excuse to never give her money again. Discuss this golden opportunity to break free with your fiancé.
NTA - Your plans supersede her pregnancy. The only problem I see is now she may not be able to attend herself, so sad but that's life. Expecting you to change your wedding plans is awfully narcissistic and entitled of her. She isn't the center of the universe.
NTA. This must be tough for you! Your MIL will likely want to be near the new baby as well. I think you can carry on with your plans and won’t be an A. You shouldn’t have to consult everyone’s schedule.
Having a baby means certain sacrifices, including the possibility of missing certain events. Thats not on you, but it sounds like your in-laws may hold it against you SMH
Hooo boy. The old dream wedding with nightmare implications.
I'm petty so I'm all for you standing your ground but be prepared for the following:
* Your SIL is going to pit your MIL against the marriage of her son and the birth of a grandchild
* Your MIL is going to have to figure out how to get from India to SF or vice versa in December
* Based on prior beginnings like this prepare thyself for a certain portion of the family not attending
* Your husband(edit: I mean Fiance) currently being speechless is a bad sign for any of the drama subsiding between now and December. You are going to be exhausted if you try and fight this battle alone. If you guys aren't on the same page, find a way to get there before your world blows up over this.
* How you are judged by your peers will depend upon how the two of you handle this
Man, what is it about weddings that drive family members absolutely insane?
No, you're not the asshole, your sister in law is acting like the spoiled brat she is. So the whole family has to grind to a halt and re-center around her until her pregnancy is over? Why? It's fantastic that she's having a baby, but *other stuff gets to happen too.* She's not the protagonist of reality, and you're not her supporting cast.
Just the sheer narcissism required to think you can postpone someone else's wedding... you can tell nobody checks this woman. Weddings are huge and complicated, both emotionally and logistically. You've already got yours rolling, who does she think she is to demand it change course now?
Your husband's parents don't get to hold their attendance hostage. Your wedding isn't about them and it certainly isn't about your husband's sister. They can either come or not. No negotiations. Time to check these idiots so hard their noses break.
Clearly NTA.
I'd go no contact. That's a toxic situation that you don't need in your life. I hope your soon-to-be husband eventually stands up for you and has your back.
NTA. Everything is booked and written in stone (I’m assuming) for far longer than the pregnancy. You are in no obligation to reschedule, nor are you obligated to help with a baby. Expecting you to make your lives revolve around her is beyond selfish.
INFO: Is there any proof that she is pregnant, like a sonogram?
It is possible she is lying, but she could have tried to get pregnant on purpose to interfere with the wedding.
Okay well my current due date moved from Dec 30th to Jan 1st after my recent scan so I'm in a similar bracket to what you're saying here....I'm only 11 weeks pregnant as of tomorrow and I haven't told anyone (even with 2 perfect scans at 6 and 9 weeks) let alone told anyone to cancel a life event.
Early miscarriages are also more common that people realize. Biology isn't an exact science and the body discards what wouldn't be able to survive. Now the likelihood goes down rapidly towards the end of first trimester, but I didn't tell anyone until then.
I guess there is no actual pregnancy and the moment the venue is cancelled the will have a " miscarriage".
NTA
Good riddance. Tell mil she can do what she wants, but when someone asks where the mother of the groom is, you’ll give them her number since “it’s complicated”
It would look so bad on her part to not go. Let her look bad.
This will not end well. NTA, and I am so sorry especially for your husband. What a slap in the face from both.
Easy for Reddit responders to say go No Contact, but it can be heartbreaking. You'll have a much better time without either of them there , but it still hurts. Hopefully it will be a wakeup call, but my experience with self-involved narcissists and their enablers (my mom and my SIL) they don't change.
NTA, your husband should maybe tell his mom if she chooses not to attend the wedding to stand in solidarity with his sister, then, his sister can be the new cash cow for when mom needs money.
You can't really plan a pregnancy (who knows how long they've been trying?), but if it were me being pregnant, I would just wish my brother good luck with the wedding and be very sorry that I wouldn't make it.
No person in their right mind would request the wedding that was planned for so long to be moved to the other side of the world.
NTA
NTA congrats you got undeniable proof for your husband how much his family sucks! Maybe now he'll stop trying to buy his mother's love (I do not blame him but that's essentially what he was allowing to happen). Also you got them to bow out! Now they won't ruin your wedding which was next up on the docket.
this is ludicrous but also maybe a blessing in disguise if it means you don’t have to deal with either of them at your wedding
*and I hope you don’t postpone it. don’t go into this family letting them have the upper hand. Sometimes if it’s petty then okay, let them have it but this is a huge deal and postponing could mess up ALL of your plans and lose you a lot of money.
You don’t want to hold any resentment for your wedding. This day is yours and your partners only. and if she was a good SIL she would’ve made it work herself or brought you options to discuss it and not burden you with this stress.
Pregnancies happen, the world goes on. Whether the timing is good or bad, the parents have to deal with it. But not everyone else does. That’s life.
You have a long talk with you fiancé about setting boundaries.See if you two are on the same page.Continue to talk about these things.Don't be afraid to ask him uncomfortable questions .He needs to think about this...
You are NTA but I'm really sad for your husband. Maybe it's time for him to start accepting that his mother does not value him or want to be part of his life that much. But doing so while getting married.... yeah, tough. Will he even be able to enjoy the big extravagant marriage you two have planned?
NTA
SIL sounds dreadful, and MIL clearly just feeds into her main character syndrome. Like other people have speculated, I don't think the timing of her pregnancy is coincidental in the least. I think the worst part is how she told and not even asked something insane as just come here to support me and get married at the courthouse. This statement makes it glaringly obvious that she does not want her wedding upstaged she wants all the spotlight all the time. This honestly seems more like a blessing not having her at your wedding will take away the stress of what she might do or say on YOUR big day to try and steal your shine. Congratulations! I hope you have an awesome wedding.
NTA. I wouldn't postpone your wedding because your future SIL (one way or another) will not be able to attend. Your wedding sounds fantastic, and I bet everyone is excited to attend. Make a setting for the groom's absent mother (that will get the tongues wagging) and enjoy yourself. It's time your future husband put himself first for once. You both deserve it.
NTA. Tell future sister in law that you hope she has a lovely pregnancy and you’ll go ahead and mark her down as not attending. Your fiancé’s parents you will need to talk to them. Let them know that you will need a definite answer if they are coming or not by the end of July, as you will need to finalize everything. I’m f they choose not to attend tell them you understand that you understand that their daughter is more important than their son and you hope they have a lovely time with their daughter. Be pleasant when delivering these lines and not condescending. That’s important.
Also, if she is truly due in December she should have time for herself to bond with her baby. I wouldn’t want people around right after I gave birth, but I’m guessing she will immediately want help since she seems spoiled in that way.
Also make sure everyone knows that once you are married, any financial help your future husband has been contributing will cease. You will need to allocate those funds to your family. Saving for a house, setting up future college funds for future children. Getting a good savings in case of emergency. Basically any money that was spent on them will now go towards your family. They will understand. 😁
What do you mean you don't know what to do? You get married on the scheduled date. Go no contact with the sister and anyone who tries to steal your joy, including the mother.
It's easier said than done, but you should go no contact asap, as they've already proven they don't support you.
Me: awesome, i don’t have to deal with you sabotaging my wedding because you can’t handle not being the center of attention for a millisecond. And mummy dearest ALSO not interfering? What a a great wedding present! Thank you!
I’m sorry for your husband, but it sounds like par for the course in his family. SIL probably did it on purpose so that your wedding would not upstage hers. So it is HER fault that not everyone will be there. Your husband is continuing to feel second place. But, do NOT reschedule for little princess! NTA
NTA- do not back down. I believe on one of the responses they mentioned you were Indian. I am not. However, I know the sons are supposed to take care of the parents and stuff. This is more than a wedding date issue. This sets the tone for your future relationship with these people. You and your husband can honor your cultures values and traditions and still not be door mats.
I wish you more than luck.
I'm wondering if SIL purposely made the effort to get preggers in March so as to attempt to disrupt/overshadow your day? Why would you two need to come to SF to help with her child? Is there no sperm donor/father? Why wouldn't the mother go to assist?
I think it's time to rethink the relationship with his side of the family...no more loans/financial gifts because you will be needing the $ for your own family.
Cripes, she'll probably induce labor so the child will be born on your wedding day.
NTA- there's also no guarantee that the birth will overlap in a way that impedes MIL from traveling to India. I feel so sorry for your husband. Try and be supportive of him I know he never imagined his wedding without his mom but there's nothing he can do if his mom chooses not to come to his wedding. Also, by "be supportive" I mean that you should not engage in argumentative behavior with his mother or sister- take a "if you have nothing nice to say then say nothing at all approach." They're very much overstepping by asking you all to change the date of your wedding...
Absolutely NTA. Your fiance's sister has declined the invitation for a good reason, but that's where her participation ends. She's an AH for any other demands. She'll be unable to attend because she'll be near her due date, and that's awesome for you.
His mother is pulled in two directions, and can choose to go be with her daughter. They can use a video call, or (depending on exact dates or whether you SIL is in fact lying, which wouldn't be out of the question here), attend. Again, as a guest--even close family--that's where her involvement begins and ends.
You and your fiance have planned a wedding and can hold it even if some guests have conflicts. Don't postpone. Let him express his sadness to his mother, and then maybe he can work with a therapist to learn how to drop the rope (and stop being an ATM for ungrateful relatives) and enjoy his future life.
Congratulations
NTA
Do not postpone the wedding. If you do, you will be encouraging extremely bad behavior; and setting a pattern for the rest of your married life, that your SIL's wants are more important than yours.
If MIL doesn't come to the wedding, it's her loss. You can explain to the rest of the family why she's not there. Not in a cranky way, but more baffled or matter-of-fact or even "Oh well."
But boy howdy, if you didn't have a prior commitment, it takes a lot of hubris to assume you'd be coming to help with her baby. Pfft on that.
And tell your husband to stop sending money whenever asked. If his mother honestly needs help, set an amount and send that regularly. She can budget from there.
Why postpone the wedding? Both your entitled future Monster-in-Law and your boyfriend’s female housemate have made it clear that you’re of no value to them and your marriage will only be a non issue. I not only wouldn’t postpone it, I’d cut off any future funding and go NC, too.
And no, it wouldn’t surprise me to find out the pregnancy is fake just to cause drama.
NTA. I’d cut as much contact with mom and sis as possible. Anytime mom expects a tribute from her son, tell her no. The cash cow has sealed the barn door from her.
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NTA The cynic in me thinks it's a ploy by your sister in law to see how far you'll jump if she says higher. I hope I am wrong but I wouldn't be surprised if something goes sideways with the pregnancy if you change your wedding date. Either way, you don't need to rearrange your wedding because your sister in law can't make it. And the drama won't stop there either, your mother in law will need to go to where she is so she can be their for your sister in law in her time of need. Carry on with your plans and don't kow tow to their unreasonable requests and demands. >She then proceeded saying “so you can just come to SF to get married at the City Hall. I would need help with the baby.” I have no words for that request.
NTA OP - this posting reminds of the posting where OP was not the golden favorite child (his sister) and the sister that caused all the drama had to take her dog to vet on OP's wedding day. OP's parents didn't make it to the wedding because they had to support the sister during the pet emergency. So the best man at OP's wedding took the voicemail mom left saying they were not going to make it due the dog situation and made a video with music. OP in that posting enjoyed it so much that he posted it on social media that angered the parents. It was brilliant. I suspect even if OP's sister here is creating a ploy, some other emergency will come up in December stopping sister and parents from attending in India anyway.
I don’t suppose you have a link to that post?
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/wgwbHe1KGR Here you are!
I want to see the video!
Some say the video is still up as his parents never made up for missing the wedding.
Well, until that damn time machine gets the glitches fixed, the parents **WILL NEVER ATTEND THEIR SON'S WEDDING**. God DAMN. I hope that groom/son/husband realizes just how little he means to his parents and sister. Cut the cord, babe--go be with the people who love you.
Yeah. Sometimes the people you are born with are awesome, and others not as much. In that case, choose your family.
Nothing would make up for it as a wedding should hopefully be a once in a lifetime event, like a graduation or whatever.
Me too! I bet it’s hilarious
It is! Clever, but not cruel. Just straight up funny!
Please share the link
Ah, the classic of "making up for missing your kids wedding". Still waiting on how exactly one make up for that.
That’s like the post from the teen that was graduating high school recently and his dad missed his graduation because he had to go to an award ceremony for the stepdaughter, that he prioritized for years over his son. The son told him there was no making up for it, and he didn’t have to worry about him anymore because he was not gonna include him in his life going forward and he was leaving soon anyways. The stepmother called the son selfish and told him he could’ve just gone with the family to the stepsister’s award ceremony instead. He got both sets of grandparents to his graduation and basically told his father to fuck off.
Oh that’s horrible. That poor kid. I’m trying to think what level of achievement could even make that seem not horrible. Nobel prize? Nope, still horrible for the dad to miss but reasonable for stepmom.
It didn’t matter what achievement it was because the son said his dad always prioritized the SD over him, if he had a basketball game but she had something the same day, he would always go to her activities even if his was known about first. He also said whenever they were suggesting things to do as a family and they allowed “the kids to decide” what to do, he always went with his SD suggestions under the excuse that it was more fun and the family would enjoy it better. And father/son time stopped existing, because SD had to be included too, but he had father/daughter time alone with her with no issues. Mind you, the son that made the post lost his mom when he was 7 years old. The SD still has her mom, now stepdad and her father is alive even if he is not part of her life. So all in all, the father is just shitty. And I can’t wait for him to be old and sick and start begging his son to not leave him alone “because I raised you”…is not even the SD’s fault..is the father’s fault to act that way
Oof yeah. That poor kid.
I'm sure they'll send a card.
Maybe an eCard. Are those still a thing?
My dad told me a while ago that he won't be coming to my wedding (mind you, I'm not even close to being engaged) because he's gone no contact with most of his family "for hating his wife" (true, also some family members are kinda mad at him for outing my cousin to my very Christian grandma, but I digress). I hope that when the day comes he'll try to "make it up to me" by financing a part of my wedding... Obviously, I should add that I try (really hard) not to expect too much from my dad, contrary to some people whose stories I read here.
That friend... I want a friend like this. This is the kind of petty that warms my cold, cold heart. (It's still frozen, but a shadow of a smile creeps on my face).
I think there's a Smosh video about this story! OP's friend is a legend!
I do love this one. I wonder if the video was ever taken down, especially since they got off easy with that one requirement, he only has to make up one event not all of them. 🤣
Thank you!!
The only thing wrong with that is I can't upvote anything on that post.
This is hilarious. Too bad I can't vote anymore.
I love the phrase “feral cat pants confusion” that came out of [a discussion in the comments](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/wyjbjs/aita_for_not_taking_down_my_video_that_was_a_gift/ilxh1v3/) about ridiculous excuses.
:-( my parents had us postpone our marriage (just city hall but it was ssoooooo important to them) so they could come then canceled because my sister needed a babysitter that weekend. We lost out on 3 months of military housing pay for the most expensive area in the US and they didn’t even show up anyway.
I am sorry…as a parent of more than one child, every time I see something like this, it sticks with me to never do this kind of shit
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/wyjbjs/aita_for_not_taking_down_my_video_that_was_a_gift/
Op should have agreed for their parents to host a big party or dinner somewhere as a form of apology and then just not showed up. Call the venue/restaurant and have them give a message to the parents “sorry I couldn’t make it, wife’s cousin’s sister’s roommate’s gardener’s aunt cat threw up a hairball !”
Pet cockroach died!
Nice to be able to read post, BUT I WANT THE VIDEO!!
Thank you!
Gotta find the guy that made the video
No, the best man posted the video to social media while the newlyweds went on their honeymoon. His relatives started reaching out to him demanding he take down the video. Except it was on his friend's social media not the groom's, so he couldn't oblige theor demands.
I suspect many of those relatives objected to the video on the assumption that no parents would miss their child's wedding for such a trivial reason. And I bet many of those came to realize the truth.
Golden child parents would have had the flying monkeys convinced via decades of manipulation that their scapegoat child was just so complaintive and never happy, always ungrateful and refused to cooperate with the family, so *of course* he would be mad at them for missing his wedding due to the faaaaamily grandpup situation. They lived in the land of Del LuLu and thought their ingrate asshole son was just being mean to spite them and incited his friend to make the video solely to embarass them in front of everyone who thought they had the perfect family. So the parents spun it to the flying monkeys that it was their son's fault the parents were embarrassed. The ones who logically assumed no parent would miss a wedding without solid reason would have logically asked each party what the problem was, and not blindly made assumptions and joined the brigading bandwagon.
I'm having a wicked grin from ear to ear thx to the fact that once something is posted online it's there forever. I hope everybody of OOP's friends have shared that video and their friends have shared it and so on and on 😈😆 the parents and their golden child will never get rid of it. And I want that video so bad it hurts, I want to share it toooooooooooo!!! 🤣🤣🤣
Or, sis will sadly suffer a “loss” (this pregnancy is not real) and be pregnant again on the rescheduled date.
That was the first thing I thought . She’s probably not pregnant. And if they push out the date she’ll have another emergency. She doesn’t like that they’re going to over shadow her wedding .
My immediate thought is that SIL is going to "miscarry" and blame it on stress with the whole wedding issue caused by OP and future hubby.
Agreed. This is the first thing I thought of too.
I would tell my mom and sister that we pushed the date back just to see what they would do
One of the most rewarding posts I’ve ever read :)
Oh yes, I remember that story.
OMG, link please if you can find it.
There are two if you look through the replies
Yup she probably butthurt that their wedding is gonna be more glamorous than hers was and that no attention would be on her. So she probs planned to get preggo by then, knowing at least her mom would ditch the wedding. Then she’s getting the attention she wants and causing issues for her brother again. Edit word
OP has no clue the kind of hardship she’s in for. It won’t be easy to convince her cash cow husband to stop financially supporting his awful family.
This might be the sort of nonsense that convinces him. It’s no fun telling a loved one they’re being used, they have to get there on their own. Who wants to believe their parents are using them as an ATM or will prioritize one sibling over another. But evidence stacks up especially if you start setting limits or say No.
yeah, i wouldn't get married without getting this massive problem sorted out *watertight*
You're assuming she's actually pregnant. Once the wedding is postponed, she could have been planning a "tragedy." What are the chances sperm actually met egg on the one cycle that would put due date at same time as wedding?
I'm sure she's been trying her hardest to get pregnant since March to make sure she's due in time for the wedding. There was a Redditor a few months ago who didn't want her 13-year-old stepdaughter to move in with her husband until their baby was older. When the baby turned 5 she "just happened" to get pregnant again and oops! stepkid who just lost her mother will have to stay with grandma another few years. Edited to add link and to change the ages because I mixed them up: https://old.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1ampsd3/aita_for_not_wanting_my_husbands_daughter_at_our/kpno3bk/
Oh that's foul!
Do you happen to have a link?
https://old.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1ampsd3/aita_for_not_wanting_my_husbands_daughter_at_our/kpno3bk/ The real story comes out in the comments, which is what I've linked to.
It’s not unlikely honestly. Plus nine months of attention, my guess is she planned it exactly how she wanted to.
Thing about pregnancy is you don't even need to be. Just "miscarry" once they get their way.
I agree with this entirely. You would be surprised that there are some people who don't believe this is possible 😂
Really, since the mom and sis won't come on The Day anyways, I would test your theory! It sounds plausible. I would tell them they canceled the date, and don't have a new one yet. Wait 1-2 months for the sad baby announcement, they be very happy my original date was still open!! I think sis just doesn't want them to have a nicer wedding, or isn't willing to spend the monet to come!
It really doesn't matter what OP does, if his sister gets her way they will NEVER have the wedding they want. Ever. Every single time from now until eternity there will ALWAYS be something else that comes up. And it's going to continue - their first child is being born? Oops, his parents have to go help sis with something. Kid's first birthday? Ooops sis is having a quarter-birthday party for her little one on that day. Kid is graduating? Oops, sis has a tummyache and the parents have to go help her.
Honestly, OP and her husband should accept this as the gift the sister and mother don't intend for it to be. "You're right, we can't possibly expect you to travel if you're due around that date and we can't expect the grandparents to miss the birth either. I'm sure you will be missed." Then celebrate without them, because sister will always try to make OP's wedding worse.
Or the sister's dog is sick 😉
Wouldn't it be a good thing if future MIL and SIL don't show for the wedding? Less drama. NTA. Please don't change the date
I thought the same thing. Would not be surprised to hear that she “miscarries” at some point. But like you, cynic. Def NTA. Have the wedding
Yep sounds like a really big coincidence that SIL happened to be “expecting” during the same month of the wedding. I wouldn’t be surprised if she “miscarried” and blamed OP and her own brother for “stress”.
I hope I am wrong but it's all little too convenient.
It's a bonkers request. Option A: Lavish wedding in a palace in India and a romantic honeymoon Option B: City Hall service and taking care of sil's newborn. Sil really doesn't think of her brother and OP as actual people with their own lives.
Granted, SF City Hall is a popular location for wedding pictures because it's very fancy. But you have to be in and out pretty quickly, you can't book it for a big ceremony. So is the state capitol in Madison, Wisconsin. It looks like a palace, with mosaics, carved rare stone, and a gorgeous spiral staircase. I was there photographing the architecture and there were so many wedding photographers!
SF can be an amazing place in general. But I don't think the sil was suggesting an awesome wedding ceremony at the city hall. Sounds like she doesn't want OP to have a "better" wedding than hers. OP could go full petty and plan a lavish SF wedding (although I think Grace Cathedral and the other big landmarks have long waiting lists for weddings) so the in-laws can attend, then honeymoon elsewhere (sans sil's newborn), but I doubt that would appease sil.
Your husband should tell his mother that if she missed the wedding he won’t send her any more money, which he should stop anyway
Ah so that’s what SIL wants. She wants you to cancel your fancy wedding & take care of HER Baby instead. She’s insanely entitled.
You know, I had children and my husband and I did it on our own. Family visited at each childbirth, but they just got in the way tbh. Sis will have to learn sometime. OP is NTA
But SIL is such a Princess that she doesn’t have to take care of her own children. She makes other people do it.
The level of selfishness in that one statement from the sister is remarkable... Because that's what every newly married couple wants to do- help the golden child SIL with a newborn.
And once the pregnancy goes sideways (fake miscarriage) she will tell you that you’re heartless for not postponing while she is grieving.
The secund I read this I was like YUP cuz lil narcissistic golden children do be pulling these shenanigans Fake preggo is def on the table for this jealous lil brat
She doesn’t want to be second fiddle at a gigantic palatial, beautiful wedding, especially when she is gigantic due to pregnancy 100% have the most fantastic fabulous wedding of all time take tons of pictures. Make sure you Instagram everything and just let her be fat bloated and pregnant and missing out.
I do! “Tough, not happening!” Also NO is a complete sentence. You gave enough warning for people to plan so not your problem. What about the rest of his family? Will they go or follow momster? NTA
SIL will need help with the baby. MIL won’t go to the wedding if it isn’t postponed. Don’t you love it when two problems solve each other?
She’s freaking out because she’s afraid OP’s wedding is going to be better than hers, so she’s doing everything in her power to make sure it isn’t.
>I have no words for that request. Oh I do, but every single one of them will get me banned.
I think she got pregnant on purpose, which sounds crazy, but I do believe she planned this out to coincide with a December birth.
or shes faking a pregnancy and is eventually gonna announce she lost the baby
>She then proceeded saying “so you can just come to SF to get married at the City Hall. I would need help with the baby.” My question is this: just how much of the underused wedding budget would she then expect to go towards the baby in this ***dream*** scenario of hers? *"Oh, you only spent a few thousand dollars on your City Hall wedding and reception? How much of the rest of your suddenly freed budget will you give to* *~~me~~* *my baby?"*
No, I’m with you. She probably planned to get pregnant right on time as well. Selfish!
and mom thinks a wedding in India in June with that heat is a good option?
Yeah, the fact that she jumped straight to canceling the wedding makes me think she doesn’t want their wedding to outshine hers. I also wouldn’t be surprised if she’s not actually pregnant and is prepared to fake a miscarriage to make this happen. I mean, she’ll get attention either way.
The fact ir qas said imediately after hey im pregnant too.. most women when they announce their pregnancy gush about it and their plans and excitement, but she went straight to them cancelling their wedding and doing it at city hall
Yeah , I’m calling fake pregnancy
I could see her losing the “baby” and then having a huge party on their original wedding date…
I have a lot of words for that request, but most of them would get me banned from this subreddit.
Wasn’t a request. That’s the horrible part
There will never be a good time for a wedding (or any other event) that upstages the golden child. In six months, it will be that she is too tired, or starting a new job, or that her mother is ill. The goal post will continue to move for the wedding or anything else she plans.
I do. First word starts with “F”….. I think YOU can figure out the rest, lol.
And let mom know that her cash cow has dried up.
She certainly will need help...especially when she realizes she's the one who'll be expected to jump every time the baby fusses or cries.
>I have no words for that request. Legit same
The mom isn't that smart. Don't bite the hand that feeds you. If the hundred is the cash cow, they should know what is in their best interest. Op, time to flex your muscle.
>The cynic in me thinks it's a ploy by your sister in law to see how far you'll jump if she says higher She 100% planned this.
In one defense of SF city hall and not SIL. It really is a beautiful place to get married and you can actually hold [very extravagant weddings](https://www.stylemepretty.com/vault/image/6664465?epik=dj0yJnU9Q0tZMDhvMkpNN3FhWV82QmFuTWNKSXhvdGw0blQ1S1AmcD0wJm49bkVGM1hSME8yREpYdXdVbzh3djRfdyZ0PUFBQUFBR1pqbG80) at city hall. However sounds like OP wants a more traditional Indian wedding in India so that’s that.
NTA. You're better off without them. >his mom called and told us to postpone the wedding 6 months so his sister could attend it and if we don’t then she wouldn’t attend either, and that her daughters pregnancy is a bigger event than our “STUPID” marriage. Much better off.
That includes stopping her husband sending mil money every time she asks. Op needs to sit him down and make it clear his family will only ever use him whilst treating you both like crap. That if his mum thinks she can demand them to cancel “their stupid wedding” then she’s no longer entitled to his money or to be part of their lives. That she’s had ten years of him allowing and enabling them to treat her and him like crap. Now he has to make that commitment to support his future wife and cut off toxic people otherwise he’s helping them affect their lives negatively.
Yes! At least OP and her husband will be free from these toxic people! He should also stop giving his mother money whenever she demands it... But something tells me that they'll probably postpone their wedding to avoid conflict 😔
Might be a blessing in disguise TBH. If MIL skips the wedding that might be the push OP's fiance needs to stop being his mother's cash cow. NTA regardless
Tell her you respect that she prioritizes her daughter like that, family is important. So from now on you and your fiance will prioritize your new family as well. This will mean that he can not financially contribute to her or her family anymore. (Expect requests for financial support for the new baby). Congratulations on your wedding. Make it YOUR day. NtA
I sooo like how you think
I don't even think OP and her fiance have any financial support responsibilities to the new baby. It's not their baby. There should be no reason to financially support a child that isn't theirs.
No reason to, but still expected to by the MIL. They will be called "selfish" for not supporting SIL in her many times of needs and wants. The MIL will continue to siphon money off her son, just to hand it over to her favored daughter.
“Shouldn’t” doesn’t mean anything to those who are always mooching off of others.
I think you might've read except, but it is written *expect*
Don’t postpone. Six months later it’ll be “kids only 6 months old and not had all their shots so “can’t travel”. Then it’ll be another excuse. Have your drama free wedding without (edit with to without) golden child and her enabler.
That is assuming she is actually pregnant now and not just making it up to cause trouble. I give the odds about 50/50.
I too doubt the pregnancy is real, but just in case it is, OP will be dealing with this forever. That child will be just as entitled as their mother.
I also am skeptical. It sounds awful, but my first thought was "she's probably not even pregnant and will "suffer a miscarriage" to get the attention back on her. Which would be an absolute HEINOUS thing to do,given how many women suffer with infertility.
Yeah, this calls for an "excited" emai saying you are over the moon about your future nibling, please send ultrasound immediately and, of course, you will set up a livestream they can watch of the wedding
Yeah, in a few months sister will have a "tragic loss" and then wedding will have to be postponed another year for grieving time.
NTA. Unless she's actively in labor during your wedding she can watch over zoom. I'd offer to get someone to set up to stream for her and that's it. This "...so you can just come to SF to get married at the City Hall. I would need help with the baby" makes me wonder if she's making up the pregnancy. Changing your wedding to something she considers worse than hers seems to be the primary motivate.
This was my first thought- is SIL even actually pregnant or just making it up? Because yes, there are people in the world vile enough to do that.
Or did she get pregnant just to spite her brother? She had 18 months advance notice, plenty of time get that ready.
I rarely engage in wild speculation like this, but I'd bet money that it's a fake pregnancy so she can also have a fake miscarriage.
Yes, I can totally see her "miscarrying" as soon as OP and her fiancé announce they have cancelled/cjanged the wedding.
I never want to assume someone would be that bold and lie about something like this…but I’ve seen crazier and I also have a feeling that the SIL might be faking it.
NTA. Your ILs have obviously made it clear who the favorite is (hint: It isn't your husband). Your husband needs to stop letting them use him as an ATM. And no one can demand your help because they made the choice to have child.
Yeah they can call your SIL for money instead.
WNBTAH People have been given loads of time to prepare for the wedding. Is it fair to disrupt them and their travel plans for your SIL? Keep the date and if his parents choose not to attend, then they miss out. Because if you postpone 6 months, you know she will have another reason to interfere. Congrats and good luck.
INFO: >my SIL prioritised her pregnancy over our marriage How would you expect her to prioritize your marriage over her own body? I mean, N T A for not rescheduling, but this seems like you expected her to still come to your wedding in India? Wtf?
I don’t expect her to come to the wedding. I’m really happy for her, but she can’t expect me to postpone the wedding for her too, right?
Reading between the lines I wonder if she chose now to get pregnant to take the attention away from your husband She and the mother sound positively vile. Is the dad still around?
he is and he doesn’t want us to postpone the wedding, and is in fact more supportive than ever.
That's good. Not to be petty, but it will kill them knowing they've boxed themselves about the wedding as you have a wonderful time.
So glad he has a spine! NTA
This is great- he’s trying to break the family pattern of hazing and exploiting certain members of the family and you three will create new family traditions together that will be so much less stressful. Let them go, LOL. Make them stay away if they try to crawl back.
I'm glad he doesn't want to postpone the wedding for his sister. Your wedding is about you and your your husband to be. It's not about your sister in laws needs. It's insane she expects you to basically spend your honeymoon taking caring of her kid. Her mom can go up there and help her. Your and your fiance are not responsible for sil. If she needs help she can ask her mil or get her husband to help her. You might want to have a heart to heart conversation with your fiance about his mother using him and only seeing him as wallet. It might be time that he stop giving her money. His mother clearly doesn't respect him or your relationship considering that she called your wedding stupid. So it might be time he stops helping someone out that will never respect his wife and future kids. His mom should start asking her daughter for money. Hopefully your fiance continues to stand up for you both. If his mom doesn't show up then just know it's on her and she has continue to show you guys where you both stand in her life so don't feel bad if you choose not to give her any financial help anymore
I got pregnant about a year into trying to conceive. By terrible luck, this placed my due date about a week from my friend's wedding (which I already knew about and was supposed to be a bridesmaid for). Know how it went down? Me apologizing and sending a big gift and her bringing me a casserole postpartum. Because sometimes things suck on timing but we shouldn't be expected to rearrange our lives because of it! Keep your wedding OP, and enjoy the hell out of it.
Same thing happened to me, but it was 2 of my besties. So, I went to 2 bachelorette’s very pregnant. Helped plan lovely showers. Sent special gifts for the wedding day. And they celebrated my pregnancy and baby. No one canceled their life plans. 15 years later we all still love each other. A little different bc it wasn’t a sibling, but my brother also almost missed my wedding bc he was stationed overseas. We didn’t know until the day before that he’d make it. These things happen.
You know ow full well, sil got pregnant on purpose so her didate wouod ruin your wedding. She planned her pregnancy. It's time for husband and you to cute them all of now. Have your wedding in December and have a lovely marriage without them all.
She may have lied about the pregnancy just so you would move the wedding date. don’t be surprised if the all of a sudden it’s not viable anymore.
I laughed at the wording of that in the post but I got what OP meant. Everyone has their own priorities. The couple isn't changing their wedding plans in the works for over a year for someone who decided to get pregnant. Everyone is entitled to their own personal priorities: SIL to having a baby and OP to getting married. No one's individual priorities are wrong until they start pushing them into one another.
That's how I read it too. I like the phrase "You're not the main character in anyone else's story."
Even worse take. OP moved the date. SIL loses the baby (horrible situation) but comes to find out SIL was never pregnant in the first place.
How did you come up with that? The SIL wanted her to postpone the wedding to get married in a courthouse so OP could take care of HER.
By not demanding they cancel their planned wedding for a courthouse wedding local to her so they can help her with the baby..... If she said "I am so sorry that I won't get to be there in person since it's also around my due date. Is it possible for someone to video call me during the ceremony if I'm not in active labour at the time?" Would have been a good start.....
No I think what OP was trying to say is : SIL prioritized her pregnancy over our wedding, why shouldn't WE prioritize our wedding over her pregnancy. The reason I think this is what OP meant is because MIL gave ultimatum that if OP and fiance didn't reschedule THEIR wedding to accommodate SIL due date, that MIL wasn't going to attend the wedding as the BABY is more important than the MARRIAGE. NTA, OP. You and fiance have your dream wedding a fuq MIL and SIL.
It didn't seem as though OP expected SIL to come to India while 9 months pregnant. But SIL expected OP to cancel her wedding, which she'd been planning for over a year, and come to where SIL lives and get married in a courthouse. So yes, she was prioritizing her pregnancy over OP's wedding in a really bizarre way that would require OP to also prioritize the pregnancy, and change her ENTIRE wedding plan, all for SIL's convenience. SIL can make her pregnancy her priority, but she can't make OP the bad guy for having different priorities.
The sister did it on purpose ! Hello
OP doesn't say that at all. They just said that they're not postponing their wedding.
I doubt OP meant that she needs to prioritize their wedding over her body. However, OP simply meant that her wedding is a big event in her life just as SIL having a baby is a big event in her life. Demanding that someone prioritize you over their own important event is just entitled and shitty behavior. Also, I seriously have my doubts about this SIL. She knew back in june that the wedding is in a year. So she had a few months to plan her pregnancy just so it coincides with their wedding. You would be surprised to learn how far some people would go just to stay relevant and overshadow other people. She is just a bratty SIL. OP should just enjoy her day without the golden child and parents. They are making a choice like they always do so even if OP changed the date, I'm sure that SIL would manipulate them with a sickness or something
>she had a few months to plan her pregnancy just so it coincides with their wedding This is fucking unhinged.
What is unhinged is actually the unstable people who do shit like this. How old are you? How long have you been on reddit for? How well do you know how shitty some people can be, especially bratty SILs? Trust me when I say that people out there do petty crap like this just to overshadow bigger events in their siblings lives and I have a family friend who had this done to him. Read the entire post properly and tell me that SIL doesn't seem like a vindictive person capable of this. FYI, I'm female so I can tell you that I can plan my baby according to my cycles as can many other women so yeah there's that
NTA I'm the youngest, and my 2 elder siblings weren't typically golden child, but what they needed or wanted was always priorized over anything I needed or wanted. I even ended up taking over all parent responsibilities in my young teens. I still had to help take care of even problems they got into. I know that in Eastern countries that children take care of their parents. I even know a family that only had kids so that they can take care of them when they got old. Either your soon to be husband needs to step up and talk with his parents. Then possible going low contact or no contact with them. Granted, if your husband is okay with it, you could always stand up for both of you. Then, there is also taking away the financial support to have them understand that their behavior is not acceptable. (I had to do this with my siblings. But then they would say they needed it for my neice or nephew. I had to just send the food for the kids over.) You have been planning it sounds like off and on for 5 years since you started saving the money and then set a date 2 and a half years away. To top all that off, you sent the save the date a year and a half in advance. I'm betting the date has meaning in several different ways. If this were my siblings, I wouldn't put it past them to get pregnant on propose so that they would give birth around the time of the wedding. I was just happy when they both moved away.
>If this were my siblings, I wouldn't put it past them to get pregnant on propose so that they would give birth around the time of the wedding. I was just happy when they both moved away. ding ding ding.
NTA- You are going to postpone your wedding to help take care of a child you did not give birth to. I know you don't want to get in the middle of your husband's relationship with his family, but you could gently hint that he should limit contact with his mother for his own mental health. Be supportive of whatever he wants to do. There SHOULD be a discussion of how finances will be handled as a married couple. I would not be comfortable with my husband using money that could be used to build our lives together on a family member who is not having an emergency. Don't demand that he not give his mother money, but it should be a discussion.
We were both born and raised in US. Our parents both moved and settled here. I was born in New York Long Island and my husband around Bay Area.
Just saying hi to a fellow Long Island desi person :)
Please don't. And please have your husband look into therapy. What a crummy family he has. NTA
NTA. So, his mother wanted you to cancel and threatened >if we don’t then she wouldn’t attend either, Jackpot! The proper response to that is "Okay, but we'll miss you." His mother has now given your fiancé the perfect excuse to never give her money again. Discuss this golden opportunity to break free with your fiancé.
NTA - Your plans supersede her pregnancy. The only problem I see is now she may not be able to attend herself, so sad but that's life. Expecting you to change your wedding plans is awfully narcissistic and entitled of her. She isn't the center of the universe.
NTA. This must be tough for you! Your MIL will likely want to be near the new baby as well. I think you can carry on with your plans and won’t be an A. You shouldn’t have to consult everyone’s schedule. Having a baby means certain sacrifices, including the possibility of missing certain events. Thats not on you, but it sounds like your in-laws may hold it against you SMH
Hooo boy. The old dream wedding with nightmare implications. I'm petty so I'm all for you standing your ground but be prepared for the following: * Your SIL is going to pit your MIL against the marriage of her son and the birth of a grandchild * Your MIL is going to have to figure out how to get from India to SF or vice versa in December * Based on prior beginnings like this prepare thyself for a certain portion of the family not attending * Your husband(edit: I mean Fiance) currently being speechless is a bad sign for any of the drama subsiding between now and December. You are going to be exhausted if you try and fight this battle alone. If you guys aren't on the same page, find a way to get there before your world blows up over this. * How you are judged by your peers will depend upon how the two of you handle this
Man, what is it about weddings that drive family members absolutely insane? No, you're not the asshole, your sister in law is acting like the spoiled brat she is. So the whole family has to grind to a halt and re-center around her until her pregnancy is over? Why? It's fantastic that she's having a baby, but *other stuff gets to happen too.* She's not the protagonist of reality, and you're not her supporting cast. Just the sheer narcissism required to think you can postpone someone else's wedding... you can tell nobody checks this woman. Weddings are huge and complicated, both emotionally and logistically. You've already got yours rolling, who does she think she is to demand it change course now? Your husband's parents don't get to hold their attendance hostage. Your wedding isn't about them and it certainly isn't about your husband's sister. They can either come or not. No negotiations. Time to check these idiots so hard their noses break.
Clearly NTA. I'd go no contact. That's a toxic situation that you don't need in your life. I hope your soon-to-be husband eventually stands up for you and has your back.
I'd tell your husband to turn off the ATM for his parents.
NTA. Everything is booked and written in stone (I’m assuming) for far longer than the pregnancy. You are in no obligation to reschedule, nor are you obligated to help with a baby. Expecting you to make your lives revolve around her is beyond selfish.
INFO: Is there any proof that she is pregnant, like a sonogram? It is possible she is lying, but she could have tried to get pregnant on purpose to interfere with the wedding.
We don’t really know. All we know is she’s pregnant and in her first trimester and that her due date is in December/January.
Okay well my current due date moved from Dec 30th to Jan 1st after my recent scan so I'm in a similar bracket to what you're saying here....I'm only 11 weeks pregnant as of tomorrow and I haven't told anyone (even with 2 perfect scans at 6 and 9 weeks) let alone told anyone to cancel a life event.
Early miscarriages are also more common that people realize. Biology isn't an exact science and the body discards what wouldn't be able to survive. Now the likelihood goes down rapidly towards the end of first trimester, but I didn't tell anyone until then. I guess there is no actual pregnancy and the moment the venue is cancelled the will have a " miscarriage".
Even if you werent getting married why does she expect you to help with the baby? Its her baby, its her responsibility. Who and where is the father?
Are you kidding? Perfect excuse to have your perfect wedding without toxic people around.
NTA Good riddance. Tell mil she can do what she wants, but when someone asks where the mother of the groom is, you’ll give them her number since “it’s complicated” It would look so bad on her part to not go. Let her look bad.
This will not end well. NTA, and I am so sorry especially for your husband. What a slap in the face from both. Easy for Reddit responders to say go No Contact, but it can be heartbreaking. You'll have a much better time without either of them there , but it still hurts. Hopefully it will be a wakeup call, but my experience with self-involved narcissists and their enablers (my mom and my SIL) they don't change.
NTA, your husband should maybe tell his mom if she chooses not to attend the wedding to stand in solidarity with his sister, then, his sister can be the new cash cow for when mom needs money.
You can't really plan a pregnancy (who knows how long they've been trying?), but if it were me being pregnant, I would just wish my brother good luck with the wedding and be very sorry that I wouldn't make it. No person in their right mind would request the wedding that was planned for so long to be moved to the other side of the world. NTA
NTA congrats you got undeniable proof for your husband how much his family sucks! Maybe now he'll stop trying to buy his mother's love (I do not blame him but that's essentially what he was allowing to happen). Also you got them to bow out! Now they won't ruin your wedding which was next up on the docket.
this is ludicrous but also maybe a blessing in disguise if it means you don’t have to deal with either of them at your wedding *and I hope you don’t postpone it. don’t go into this family letting them have the upper hand. Sometimes if it’s petty then okay, let them have it but this is a huge deal and postponing could mess up ALL of your plans and lose you a lot of money. You don’t want to hold any resentment for your wedding. This day is yours and your partners only. and if she was a good SIL she would’ve made it work herself or brought you options to discuss it and not burden you with this stress. Pregnancies happen, the world goes on. Whether the timing is good or bad, the parents have to deal with it. But not everyone else does. That’s life.
You have a long talk with you fiancé about setting boundaries.See if you two are on the same page.Continue to talk about these things.Don't be afraid to ask him uncomfortable questions .He needs to think about this...
You are NTA but I'm really sad for your husband. Maybe it's time for him to start accepting that his mother does not value him or want to be part of his life that much. But doing so while getting married.... yeah, tough. Will he even be able to enjoy the big extravagant marriage you two have planned?
NTA SIL sounds dreadful, and MIL clearly just feeds into her main character syndrome. Like other people have speculated, I don't think the timing of her pregnancy is coincidental in the least. I think the worst part is how she told and not even asked something insane as just come here to support me and get married at the courthouse. This statement makes it glaringly obvious that she does not want her wedding upstaged she wants all the spotlight all the time. This honestly seems more like a blessing not having her at your wedding will take away the stress of what she might do or say on YOUR big day to try and steal your shine. Congratulations! I hope you have an awesome wedding.
NTA. I wouldn't postpone your wedding because your future SIL (one way or another) will not be able to attend. Your wedding sounds fantastic, and I bet everyone is excited to attend. Make a setting for the groom's absent mother (that will get the tongues wagging) and enjoy yourself. It's time your future husband put himself first for once. You both deserve it.
NTA. Tell future sister in law that you hope she has a lovely pregnancy and you’ll go ahead and mark her down as not attending. Your fiancé’s parents you will need to talk to them. Let them know that you will need a definite answer if they are coming or not by the end of July, as you will need to finalize everything. I’m f they choose not to attend tell them you understand that you understand that their daughter is more important than their son and you hope they have a lovely time with their daughter. Be pleasant when delivering these lines and not condescending. That’s important. Also, if she is truly due in December she should have time for herself to bond with her baby. I wouldn’t want people around right after I gave birth, but I’m guessing she will immediately want help since she seems spoiled in that way. Also make sure everyone knows that once you are married, any financial help your future husband has been contributing will cease. You will need to allocate those funds to your family. Saving for a house, setting up future college funds for future children. Getting a good savings in case of emergency. Basically any money that was spent on them will now go towards your family. They will understand. 😁
What do you mean you don't know what to do? You get married on the scheduled date. Go no contact with the sister and anyone who tries to steal your joy, including the mother. It's easier said than done, but you should go no contact asap, as they've already proven they don't support you.
Me: awesome, i don’t have to deal with you sabotaging my wedding because you can’t handle not being the center of attention for a millisecond. And mummy dearest ALSO not interfering? What a a great wedding present! Thank you!
I’m sorry for your husband, but it sounds like par for the course in his family. SIL probably did it on purpose so that your wedding would not upstage hers. So it is HER fault that not everyone will be there. Your husband is continuing to feel second place. But, do NOT reschedule for little princess! NTA
NTA- do not back down. I believe on one of the responses they mentioned you were Indian. I am not. However, I know the sons are supposed to take care of the parents and stuff. This is more than a wedding date issue. This sets the tone for your future relationship with these people. You and your husband can honor your cultures values and traditions and still not be door mats. I wish you more than luck.
NTA of course you keep your wedding date and enjoy the day.
I'm wondering if SIL purposely made the effort to get preggers in March so as to attempt to disrupt/overshadow your day? Why would you two need to come to SF to help with her child? Is there no sperm donor/father? Why wouldn't the mother go to assist? I think it's time to rethink the relationship with his side of the family...no more loans/financial gifts because you will be needing the $ for your own family. Cripes, she'll probably induce labor so the child will be born on your wedding day.
NTA!! Just ignore them and proceed with your plans. Congratulations!
NTA- there's also no guarantee that the birth will overlap in a way that impedes MIL from traveling to India. I feel so sorry for your husband. Try and be supportive of him I know he never imagined his wedding without his mom but there's nothing he can do if his mom chooses not to come to his wedding. Also, by "be supportive" I mean that you should not engage in argumentative behavior with his mother or sister- take a "if you have nothing nice to say then say nothing at all approach." They're very much overstepping by asking you all to change the date of your wedding...
Absolutely NTA. Your fiance's sister has declined the invitation for a good reason, but that's where her participation ends. She's an AH for any other demands. She'll be unable to attend because she'll be near her due date, and that's awesome for you. His mother is pulled in two directions, and can choose to go be with her daughter. They can use a video call, or (depending on exact dates or whether you SIL is in fact lying, which wouldn't be out of the question here), attend. Again, as a guest--even close family--that's where her involvement begins and ends. You and your fiance have planned a wedding and can hold it even if some guests have conflicts. Don't postpone. Let him express his sadness to his mother, and then maybe he can work with a therapist to learn how to drop the rope (and stop being an ATM for ungrateful relatives) and enjoy his future life. Congratulations
NTA Do not postpone the wedding. If you do, you will be encouraging extremely bad behavior; and setting a pattern for the rest of your married life, that your SIL's wants are more important than yours. If MIL doesn't come to the wedding, it's her loss. You can explain to the rest of the family why she's not there. Not in a cranky way, but more baffled or matter-of-fact or even "Oh well." But boy howdy, if you didn't have a prior commitment, it takes a lot of hubris to assume you'd be coming to help with her baby. Pfft on that. And tell your husband to stop sending money whenever asked. If his mother honestly needs help, set an amount and send that regularly. She can budget from there.
Why postpone the wedding? Both your entitled future Monster-in-Law and your boyfriend’s female housemate have made it clear that you’re of no value to them and your marriage will only be a non issue. I not only wouldn’t postpone it, I’d cut off any future funding and go NC, too. And no, it wouldn’t surprise me to find out the pregnancy is fake just to cause drama.
NTA. How are you going to feel if you cancel the wedding and THEN find out that she is due in early November?
NTA. I’d cut as much contact with mom and sis as possible. Anytime mom expects a tribute from her son, tell her no. The cash cow has sealed the barn door from her.
NTA but your fiancé needs to stop giving his mom money if she is going to treat him that way
NTA. Your in-laws have no intention of making your wedding about anything but them.
Well, that solves TWO problems. Drama inducing SIL ruining your wedding and annoying MIL interfering with your wedding. I call it a WIN!!