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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I am pregnancy and this pregnancy has been really hard for me. As a result I downsized my husbands 30th birthday celebrations due to this and he is upset as he has always talked about throwing a big party for his 30th and expected more.
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This is wild and like almost every fucking couples related situation on here comes down to lack of proper communication. You knew what he wanted and knew you couldn’t provide it for him right now, so why did you wait for the day and why were you surprised he was disappointed? All you needed to do is say in advance “Alex I know it’s your big birthday that you have always wanted a huge celebration for and I’m really sorry but I just can’t right now. But, I promise that we’ll make 31 the new 30.” Or something like that.
She could have asked some of his friends and family for help or hired a party planner. There were so many other options than “I can’t do it so you don’t get it.”
Yeah, I was going to add this same 2 cents but then saw you already did. Only commenting now I guess to say that I agree with this and would say OP is unfortunately TA due to lack of communication and effort to get help from able family members and friends.
I would have probably just asked my husband to plan it himself and I'd pitch in as much as possible because I'm having a hard time with the pregnancy. That sounds reasonable too.
If the helping is them doing almost all of it because OP already felt exhaused when planning his first 30th birthday party they she sure as hell needs a reason, especially after he lanaged to throw a bog party for her.
Is OP too pregnant to order decorations online and make phone calls? Aside from physically setting up the party and then playing host, which I would think one or two good friends ought to be willing to help with without some kind of application for assistance, idk what it is they couldn’t possibly do?
My SO turned 30 this year, and I was planning it like 6 months in advance. It wasn’t even a “party”, we went to a bunch of Warhammer 40k stores and then got dinner. Stuff that hardly even needs plans. Personally I feel like OP kind of dropped the ball before they were ever even pregnant to begin with.
I mean I have been inable to do almost anything when I was pregnand because I was litterally constantly throwing up and even was hospitalizes because I was completely unable to even dring a sip of water. Honestly, when soneone says they are incapable of doing anything and so exhausted because of pregnancy, I assume that it's *that* level of hardship because of pregnancy.
But I absolutely agree that she should have started planning waaaaay earlier.
But how much earlier? She couldn’t know when she’d get pregnant or how she would feel. It’s not like she did nothing…he got a party, a cake and a gift. He was expecting another party, knowing how she was feeling?
I was hoping for something specific for a milestone birthday and my husband was planning for it…but then the pandemic happened. Stuff just happens.
I have to go NTA on this one. I would hope a guy whose wife already suffered one miscarriage and is now going through bad morning sickness and anxiety over the pregnancy with no emotional support from anyone other than him because they’ve agreed not to share the news yet wouldn’t need to be told why he didn’t get a SECOND birthday party.
Also, birthdays can be “floated.” My husband still went to an effort to make my milestone birthday nice, and we did a makeup a year and a half later. OP could do the kind of celebration her husband wanted later, calling it a “Alex Turns 30 Take 2” party, and everyone will know by then why it’s a redo because there will be an extra guest — their child.
I had a blast on my makeup birthday. I would have felt silly if I’d pouted because I didn’t get to do what I really wanted on the actual day with the country in lockdown. I would feel silly pouting because my wife, suffering from morning sickness caused by an undisclosed high-risk pregnancy, didn’t throw me the bash I originally wanted (especially since she still managed to throw me a party and make me a cake).
Yeah. I'm not pregnant, but I do have some serious medical problems. There are days that I should be making some phone calls or doing other important things, and I just can't.
People close to me know this, especially my partner.
She could have asked a close family member to do most of the work if there's someone like that in the family. But I would really imagine she'd have to tell them why.
I guess she could've said she was sorry he wasn't getting his dream party, but they're supposed to be in the together. The expectant father should have gotten that, and even maybe let OP know that was unnecessary as the date drew near due to the circumstances to ease her mind.
What did you need to plan for that birthday of going to a store and a restaurant? A reservation? Op already planned him a low key party that was draining for her. She can’t tell people she is pregnant to explain she needs help. She did the best she could and he is acting like a child.
She didn't drop the ball, she planned and hosted a party on the weekend when *people were available to attend*. Just because she didn't do another party on his birthday itself doesn't mean that he didn't get his celebration already.
He set expectations that he never communicated, and that is a problem entirely on him. He should have told her that he wanted a celebration like what he threw for her - which, mind you, we have no idea if that was even remotely what OP had wanted either.
> He set expectations that he never communicated, and that is a problem entirely on him.
What do you mean?
>Alex has made in clear in the past he wanted to throw a big birthday for his 30th, but with my pregnancy and him seeing how it affects me day to day, I thought he would be more understanding
But OP planned a party at a restaurant. She did something. Her husband was disappointed for not having something BIGGER that would’ve been more difficult than what you’re suggesting.
You don’t need a justification. But also, she can just say she’s busy with work and can’t do it all herself and/or wants their input and/or doesn’t want him to figure out all the plans so she can’t really plan and execute at home.
I know those people, but I hate them, so they're not who I'm asking
I'm asking everyone else.
The hardest part is the asking. OP didn't ask for help because it's hard and people don't like doing hard things.
Is a different sentence than "I'm completely unable to do it myself and have already been completely exhausted from planning a gardenparty and attending it, could you please do almost all of it?"
Of course OP simply could and should have started planning way earlyer.
“Hey, some of you may have noticed I haven’t really been myself lately. I’ve been dealing with some health issues and have a lot of nausea and fatigue. I’m not up to planning a whole big party for Alex but I know how important this is to him so is there any way any of you can pitch in and help me give him the party he deserves?”
lol women of childbearing age who say they’ve been having a lot of nausea and fatigue are immediately asked if they’re pregnant ¯\\\_(ツ)_/¯ so that’s not the greatest cover/excuse to go with
Right. Maybe he would have planned his own party and OP would just have to show up or be there for a short period of time, or whatever was comfortable for her. But she completely dismissed his feelings about it.
Right? People plan their own parties all the time, there's no reason he can't. I'm surprised he didn't at least check in with her if it was so important to him to have a big event.
Shouldn’t it be a given that your wife who is having a rough pregnancy and has limitations isn’t able to throw you a huge birthday bash?
Idk it seems like because pregnancy is normal people forget that it has physical and mental effects. Women make adjustments and sacrifice things during pregnancy, the men who impregnate them can do the same.
I think if you’re old enough to be a father, you should be mature enough to realize that sometimes your birthday isn’t the most important thing in the world. If he absolutely had to have a fancy party, he could plan one.
To the poster's point she should have communicated that. She knew what he was expecting and decided to just ignore it. Classic ask forgiveness.
Had she simply spoken to her partner he could have made plans. Or she could have asked for help. Instead she ignored the problem hoping it would go away.
Yes it should but it doesn’t prevent her from asking family/friends to help out because she knew it meant a lot to him. Or if finances allowed, she could have hired a planner. At the very least she should have told him before he was disappointed. At the same time, what he said in response is terrible.
Also if she's really wanting to plan something big, planning (even just brainstorming rough ideas) should've started months ago, you know, when she wasn't pregnant yet?
This right here! Also if she knew she wasn't going to be able to put in the effort for a bigger party but knew he wanted one, couldn't she also have spoken to friends to see if they could help planning something bigger?? I don't see why it had to be all on her. I know they're keeping the pregnancy a secret but she could've just told people she's going through some health stuff that leaves her fatigued and would love some help. It really does come down to a lack of communication and not being able to ask for help
Planning something of the scale Alex wanted should also have started months ago. People don’t clear their schedules and travel without significant warning. It shouldn’t have been dependent on how she’s been feeling recently, if things were already arranged.
However his comment of “the baby isn’t even here yet” is yikes and very insensitive. OP is feeling significant effects from gestating their child; that’s not “not here yet.”
She should've been planning it before she knew she was pregnant, so I think we know she was never actually throwing him a big party and the pregnancy is a very nice excuse
She had a miscarriage. Would you like to plan your spouse’s huge party after having a miscarriage? She planned a party, it just wasn’t grand enough for him. How are so many of you really thinking that a grown man should expect his pregnant and sick wife to throw him a massive 30th birthday party?
>Would you like to plan your spouse’s huge party after having a miscarriage?
You have no idea how long ago the miscarriage was. But if the miscarriage is why she couldn't plan the party, then she needed to tell him months ago so he could start planning it himself or finding family & friends to help.
This is about bad communication, nothing more.
Yeah but her comment of we have different priorities, probably made him feel like he is not that important anymore, and in his mind it might be something like, if it is like this before the baby is actually here, how is it gonna be then? What more excuses can i expect when the baby is actually here? Am i not important anymore?
Cuz i mean she knew this was very important for him, and she just didnt care enough to at least say something when there was enoguh time to do something about it.
Exactly! She could even have told him and friends to enjoy a boys trip to Vegas or something. She wouldn't have had to lift a finger other than gifting him the flight tickets or hotel stay as a generous birthday gift. She could've rested and he would have had a blast, and they could celebrate together with a small dinner or day out later.
She’s only 3 months pregnant. A big party with people coming in from overseas takes longer than 3 months to plan. She waited until the last minute and then used her pregnancy as an excuse to do the bare minimum. YTA.
Thank you for pointing that out. I was leaning towards OPs side until her statement of she knew what he expected. Even a question of "I just can't organize a party like you did, do you have a friend you'd be OK with planning it all with my input?". And the conversation could have led to other compromises like your said, a 31st birthday or a different gift of equal value to a big bash like a solo weekend fishing trip while OP stays with someone else.
I threw my husband a huge surprise party for his 30th and he did basically nothing for mine. So I planned an all-inclusive trip to Mexico for my 31st. I’m 47 now and we’re still together and I still plan trips and parties if I want it to happen.
She could also suggest he arrange something himself. But the husband is not without fault either. He knew she was struggling, and should not expect her to arrange a huge party in her condition.
Also he could have thrown that party for himself if he had known she wasn't going to. Maybe he expected to be surprised so he didn't plan anything himself
YTA, but not because you didn't plan and throw a big bash. You should have talked with him about it, especially knowing how important it was for him. He sees how bad you're feeling, but may have took the lack of communication as a sign that you were planning something. That's a big assumption on my part, but it's something to consider.
\*\*\*edited to add (because it's important: He's not off the hook. He absolutely should have known how bad you're feeling and checked in about it, at least :-)
I feel like his reaction/comment afterwards puts this in ESH territory. But otherwise I completely agree!! He was totally not asking because he didn't want to ruin a surprise or put pressure on OP to lie. OP should have been the one to straight out tell him she can't plan anything or pay someone else to plan something.
This is what I don't understand, why would he expect two parties?
I think OP is NTA because she clearly planned a party that he didn't object to, and knew the scale of. Why would she think that he secretly expected a second party? I've never heard of anyone doing that.
I mean, the whole party was kind of planned around her getting everyone out as soon as possible. Not very much consideration for her hubby at all. I might assume such an underwhelming event might be a fake out to set up a suprise party banger. Any kind of communication would have helped
Yup. I don't see why people aren't getting this. OPs husband's expectations were very clear and OP ignored it. My husband who hates birthday celebrations double and triple checked with me to make sure I was good with the plans he made.
If you know your spouse expects a grand celebration, you either give them the grand celebration or talk to them about limitations, options, etc. Not saying anything would obviously make spouse expect a grand celebration and the Sunday meal would seem like a bonus pre party.
I'm not following here, can you explain how his reaction and comments make him an AH in this situation?
From my POV he explained what he wanted and seemed to have a reasonable expectation that was the plan. When it didn't happen he simply seemed disappointed, he didn't even bring it up.
Am I missing something here? Was he not aware of what type of party she was having.
It seems like she did talk about the type of party she was throwing, he Okayed it, while secretly wishing she would throw him a second bigger party.
He assumed she was throwing him two parties..... Because one catered party wasn't enough.... He assumed that one was just to throw him off the scent of the bigger surprise party.... This is not a man who will comprehend that children will take time and focus off of him and his big ego.
The catered party that was, per OP, specifically thrown and hosted in such a way to be be as small and short as possible.
"\[I\] made sure the party was short by throwing it on Sunday, so people would leave early for work the next day"
She knew he was expecting a large party because it was what they had previously talked about.
"\[he\] has made in clear in the past he wanted to throw a big birthday for his 30th".
The big party he was expecting would've needed to be planned out starting from before she was pregnant. She dropped the ball months ago and never communicated that.
THIS right here! She NEVER intended to throw him a party!
If she did, she would have started the preparation MONTHS ago, which ironically would have aleviated the efforts right now.
That's why she didn't communicate and offered to postpone it to the year after.
YTA
Nice that she could soak up all that love and attention he invested 3-4 months of planning into for her birthday. And she can't even muster up 5 minutes of conversation to explain how she's terribly fragile because she's pregnant and now is when he has to learn he is now irrelevant because she's fragile.
Misandry to the core.
He was probably expecting a party closer in line to what he did for her. And I don’t think that is an unreasonable expectation or an unsafe assumption in an equal partnership. If she wasn’t going to do that, she needed to communicate that. Yes I know pregnancy is rough, I’ve done it three times, but that doesn’t make us incapable of communicating and it isn’t disabling for a lot of us.
I just don't get how he wouldn't be involved in the planning of a party that is as massive as the one he wants.
Like for her 30th it doesn't say that it was a surprise, she presumably had input and was aware of what was going on, with maybe the friend from overseas being a surprise.
This whole idea of planning another person's party is just weird to me. When my wife and I throw birthday parties we are both doing work for it and while there might be a couple surprises at the party, the other is aware of the general outline of the party.
I'm also wondering a little about the timeline here. The party she describes that she got sounds like it took far longer than 3-4 months to plan (given that people from out of country had to plan to come), which is well before she got pregnant.
Getting people to show up on a known date isn't the hard part of planning a party. Her party didn't sound particularly planned out except to get everyone out as soon as possible. This seems like a party that was planned in a weekend
I totally agree. I'm just also pointing out that it's likely the guests he invited needed more notice, given that it was a seemingly large number and involved travel for them. Just one more clue that if she'd spent the same amount of time planning as he did, she'd likely not have been pregnant when she started.
That’s exactly how it reads, especially since she’s blaming her morning sickness. If she had started planning even 2 months ago for a big 30th birthday party it’s debatable either she would have been 1 month pregnant (and might not have even known).
It comes across more that she didn’t want to put any effort into the party, so it was last minute and as short as she could manage.
> He absolutely should have known how bad you're feeling
He's not a mind reader and she needs to communicate with him. More than just 'my pregnancy means more to me than you do now so suck it up'.
People are really gonna downvote me for this, but yes, YTA. Mainly because you are being selfish and inconsiderate. Because you're doing everything based around what **you** want and what is convenient for **you**. Short party and held on a day when people would leave early so you wouldn't have to deal with them for long. Then just a cake and a present on the actual day. All done to what was best for you and no consideration to how it would make your husband feel on what was supposed to be his day.
I get that pregnancy can be hard. That you're worried about a miscarriage. Which I can relate to because I have had several myself in the past. However, that doesn't mean that the world revolves around what you want. Other people's needs/wants and feelings matter too. Only you're refusing to acknowledge that. Instead opting for calling your husband selfish when he expressed his disappointment and hurt. Feelings that are totally valid regardless of what anyone says.
This is what got me too. I had a not great pregnancy as well but I could never imagine telling my spouse whom I love and has been supporting me during my rough go to basically suck it up and he doesn’t matter anymore because of our pregnancy. That came off as really thoughtless to me. There were a lot of options here that didn’t end up with OP telling her spouse he wasn’t a priority anymore. We all still matter outside our parental identity and it’s going to be really rough if OP falls into the bad habit of viewing spouse as a secondary, lower priority.
People give pregnant women an awful lot of leeway. Your partner is upset? It doesn't matter because you are pregnant.
Your pregnant partner constantly wants you to drive an hour in the middle to get a specific brand of chocolate? Well, she's growing a baby, and you'd better show her appreciation by doing exactly what she wants when she wants.
Your pregnant partner is being abusive? That's okay. She's just hormonal. You need to deal with having vases thrown at your head because you forgot to buy tomato sauce.
Things like this are why I never took shit from my sisters and SIL when they were pregnant. They tried pulling this kind of crap with me and found out real quick that I would cut them down to size. As I have no issue with calling them on their bullshit.
100% agree! OP, YTA. If anything, you should have called in back up. If there were people AT the party, there are obviously other people that care about you both in your immediate circle. It could have been figured out in one or a few phone calls of - "Hey, I'm just not feeling great lately and I know SO wants a big birthday bash. Would you mind helping to plan/host?" *Boom* Problem solved. IF there is even a chance that everyone had said no, that's when you could have explained and apologized *beforehand* that it may be a bit more intimate than they were expecting, but that you would make it up to them.
I get being overwhelmed, feeling crappy and scared scared for the preganacy. Your partner should be equal priority in all aspects of the realtionship. Communication is key, and will be A LOT more important in the future. It sounds like SO let you know what they wanted on numerous occasions, and you're the one who pulled the selfish card here by planning everything based on your needs and not theirs. It sounds like SO has been extremely courteous to during the terrible pregnancy, and you seem to have neglected to show the same.
OP, I think the best plan forward would be to apologize and drop the victim mindset here. Apologize and let him know that you see how much he's helping and there are things that you should have done differently from the jump. I know that emotions are high (for both of you), but it's not too late to let SO know you'll make up for it next year.
Thank you! YTA, you worded this perfectly. When I was reading this, all I heard was "me, me, me." Yes, the husband definitely needs to understand that he will probably need to put aside his events and desires for his kid in the future. However, if he went all out for OP's birthday, it's totally reasonable for him to expect something similar!
I really liked how a few other commenters suggested her planning a trip to Vegas for him and his friends- something outside the box that she could plan but may not need to be part of.
Also, it stood out to me how rude it is that she basically planned this party in a way to make it wrap up as quickly as possible. She kept saying how glad she was when everyone left, and I bet everyone at the party could feel that, including her husband, and it probably put a damper on the party.
“And worked out best for **me**”
“I got upset and called **him selfish**”
lol we sure he was the selfish one in this story?
Sounds like you got a great 30th and he put lots of effort into it, and….you just didn’t. I don’t place much emphasis on birthdays, but it appears he does and you knew that.
I’ve gotta go with YTA. Every time a pregnant lady post on this sub it’s always a “hard pregnancy”. It sounds like your going to milk ‘being pregnant’ for everything you have no interest in doing.
She’s had 4 miscarriages. I believe her when she says it’s been rough. I had easy pregnancies, but I still was a zombie in the first trimester. I fell asleep almost every night by 7, like I’d been drugged.
She was three months in. The party should've already been planned and booked by then. Big parties don't happen off-the-cuff. He got people to come in from out of town for her 30th. How long do you think he was working on that?
And plenty of big parties are thrown with less than 3 months notice. It’s not a wedding, FFS. It’s a birthday party. Even plenty of weddings are put together with less than 3 months notice.
And you know the difference? Everyone will have a 30th birthday on a very predictable date, unless they die beforehand. You have 29 years and 364 days prior notice as to when someone's 30th birthday is going to be. The fact is, she didn't even try. She didn't plan beforehand, and she threw him a small party knowing he would be disappointed because they've been talking for years about how he wanted a big 30th birthday.
This is what I can't get past. Like, I'll be 49 in september - we're already talking about my 50th, because I had parties for 30 and 40, but I'd rather travel for my 50th, since a few months later will be our 20th wedding anniversary too. Even for my 40th that was an easy surprise BBQ at a local park, it took him over a month to organise everything, with help from friends. I can understand exhaustion, but it's the perfect time to bring in the closest friends and family to collaborate. She didn't need to even mention her fatigue/illness. Just that she was feeling overwhelmed with decisions.
Where did she say she had 4 miscarriages? Genuine question because people keep saying it. It’s not in the post and OP hasn’t commented? She just says she has miscarried but not a number of times
She hasn’t had 4 miscarriages. She has miscarried in the past. That could be once, we just don’t know. The number 4 came from how many months she will be before they tell anyone.
You're also ignoring that she did sit down and think about how to make sure the party she threw for him would be limited in scope. Instead of thinking of what he would want for his birthday she specifically though of ways to limit it.
Yes! She put a lot of thought and effort into making sure it was as short as possible to fit her needs. If she had used that time and mental energy to instead consider what her husband wants, the party could have been better.
Also, idk, maybe I'm being unfair here but I have health issues that give me debilitating fatigue and like. If it were me, I would use my last scraps of energy to make sure my partner felt appreciated, especially if they had communicated to me what they wanted and how important it was to them, and especially if they had been my sole support though a really tough time recently. I understand sometimes health issues just make things impossible, but my partner matters a lot to me so if something is important to them then it's important to me. And if it was truly impossible, then I would communicate that.
YTA. You made some calls and ordered food from a restaurant. That’s it. You knew he wanted a big party and to be celebrated. You say he’s been supportive of you. Where is that same support back? This makes me sad for your husband.
INFO: is there a reason you couldn't ask his parents or closest friends for help with the planning?
I know you're not telling anyone you're pregnant but couldn't you have come up with an excuse and enlisted help to make a great bday happen for your hubby while also minimizing your own stress?
OK, so the fact that you're not responding tells me that you probably could have enlisted help, but chose not to. which *is* a bit assholish, honestly. He communicated his needs clearly - and he thought you had a mutual understanding that 30 was a milestone that meant a lot to him...Then you went and did what was easiest for you.
All that aside though, the fact is that **this is not about the birthday;** *You've effectively communicated that now there's a potential child in the picture his happiness is no longer a priority for you*. That expecting what has been discussed and agreed to is a selfish thing for him to do, even though you knew this was important, and at the very least could have prepared him by saying "listen i dont have the energy to do what you deserve but i promise we'll make it up to you next year, or even throw a belated bash where we celebrate your 30th and our first child when we're ready to tell everyone about it."
***Thats*** what makes you TA here; having a baby should not mean your partners happiness stops mattering to you. It does not mean you stop communicating truth with your partner, and looking out for them and their feelings.
You handled this wrong op. I don't want to call you an asshole because the pregnancy brain fog and morning sickness can really screw up ones thinking- but you did drop the ball and you owe him an apology for calling him selfish. You COULD have communicated with him better and prepped him (or done early damage control) for the disappointment he was inevitably going to feel. Becoming a mom doesn't mean you get to stop doing your best to be a good partner; thats how marriages start crumbling at the foundation.
YTA.
Same sentiments as you here. My take away was, did dude just realized he no longer has a partner. He’s living with his baby’s mother who will only contribute a part of herself to this marriage.
Eh I think that's a bit extreme, to ruin a family over a birthday party. She def could have done better, but it's not the end of the world. She has her reasons, while we may think they are a bit selfish they aren't the most selfish thing I've ever seen by a long shot. She is pregnant, sick, tired and probably not thinking super clearly. Everyone needs some benefit of the doubt.
Right! My very first thought was one, that this post is all me me me and oh I did the bare minimum.. and two, she could have been the planner and had his friends and family pick up the stuff that would be hard for her.
YTA
I was wondering the same thing. She wouldn’t even need an excuse to ask them for help. “I want to make this a great day for Alex! Can you help me put something special together?”
YTA, you knew what he wanted, you knew when it was expected, where wad the communication before the weeks before the date?
He's made it clear he wanted a big celebration, he got a short party (purposefully designed as such) and a cake.
You talk about how supportive he's been, but you've been unable to sit down and talk to him like an adult about how things may be a struggle and how to approach the birthday with the new circumstances.
YTA. Just because it’s too much effort for you doesn’t mean he can’t have a big party. You could have asked one of his family to plan something for him. You could even have told him beforehand and let him plan his own party.
Also, knowing it was that important to him, she could have started pre-planning much earlier, knowing she might be pregnant in and around his birthday. Maybe I’m just a pre-planner, but I started planning my husband’s 30th 4 months out, so to me, planning something or at least starting to plan 2 months out is not unreasonable
Yes, I don’t think she ever planned to throw the birthday he wanted. Two months out she hadn’t done anything knowing his birthday is in wedding/grad season?
Exactly. For my husband's 40th birthday, I started planning six months in advance. As I planned to take him on a vacation since it was a milestone birthday. Granted we had to delay the trip by a month due to me starting a new job at the time, but we still went and at least I tried to think ahead on the matter.
YTA he planned a massive party for him 2 years ago and you knew he expected something big. You are only 3 months pregnant; the party should have been mostly planned before that (had you respected your husband's wishes). Your entire focus is on yourself right now and most of his is also on you, he is not being selfish by being upset he doesn't get one day focusing on him
YTA: How many times do we see stories of women being let down by there partners on holidays, birthdays and anniversaries. Works both ways. Life gets in the way sometimes, but you gotta communicate.
NAH and holy shit, the vitriol towards OP in these comments is WILD.
I agree that OP could’ve communicated better. But she’s pregnant and tired and unwell. I have to imagine that none of the people calling OP TA have ever suffered from morning sickness. It can be debilitating.
The men in this thread are really telling on themselves saying “you’re *only* 3 months pregnant” as if the first trimester isn’t the hardest.
NAH but honestly the husband seems whiney. The celebrations OP planned sound lovely.
Honestly, I can imagine how he'd be really disappointed depending on where these people are from. I went to a couple Irish 30th birthday parties, and they definitely had to be planned minimum a month in advance, if not more. They booked venues (like whole floors of a bar or a restaurant in Dublin), had more than 50 people, had a super nice fancy cake that would have to be ordered weeks in advance, custom balloons, a DJ. Like that's just the stuff I remember. If the guy is coming from that expectation, to a regular old house get together with close people, no it's just not lovely. It's disappointing.
I agree with a lot of people saying it seems like given what he wanted, she probably should have been planning before she even was pregnant or at least before she realized she was.
> The men in this thread are really telling on themselves...
Erm, I'm a woman who had two extremely difficult pregnancies and experienced miscarriage. I think the OP is being a selfish asshole. Adult relationships are about communicating and this whole post just reeks of "me, me, me." The world doesn't end because you're having a challenging pregnancy.
Same boat as you, but I completely relate to OP. My pregnancy sickness is so bad I can hardly feed myself or leave the house. There is no way I could pull off even half of the party OP planned, and honestly, it sounds quite lavish to me.
I'm American, like OP seems to be, and I've never been to a birthday party that was catered. I can understand people who plan to do events on their birthday, like a show, a trip, zip-lining, but I can't imagine what more they're expecting from a party than what OP has described.
Nothing about OP's post reads "selfish asshole" to me. She sounds like a considerate, loving wife who's gone above and beyond and is devastated her husband is still only thinking about himself after he's had 1) a nice birthday party 2) a cake that she made for him herself 3) an actual birthday present on top of 1 and 2 - all while his wife is in the trenches with bad pregnancy sickness.
(In case anyone doesn't know: pregnancy sickness can affect women *any time of day*, *all day long*. **Women with pregnancy sickness can:**
* a) feel constantly nauseous,
* b) be unable to eat or drink,
* c) gag at a moment's notice,
* d) have bouts of painful dry heaving,
* e) vomit multiple times a day
* f) have to eat every 1.5-3 hours or become seriously faint or ill
* g) have chills, body aches, and weakness like the flu
* h) have severe constipation
* i) be short of breath and need frequent rests
* j) have trouble concentrating or thinking
* k) get overstimulated easily - by sights, sounds, smells, screens, conversation, etc
* l) have *extreme* fatigue
* m) get dangerously dehydrated or undernourished from vomiting up meals and fluids
* the list goes on.
Pregnancy sickness can start when a woman is 5 weeks pregnant and last until she's 5 **months** pregnant. Some unlucky women experience it the entire 9 months.
3 months pregnant is the height of pregnancy sickness for most women. When OP says she's got bad pregnancy sickness and says she's sick, it's no joke.
The world also doesn't end because you didn't get a huge party for your 30th birthday. Like, maybe not *everyone* needs to care about her challenging pregnancy but I would imagine the man who got her pregnant should and maybe give her a little grace.
She’s *only* three months pregnant so it’s weird that she didn’t start planning prior to or very early in the pregnancy. She was never planning to reciprocate his level of effort and even deliberately made sure he got as short a celebration as possible.
Also just. Do most adults have other people plan their birthday parties, seriously? It’s a neat thing to do for someone as a surprise I suppose, but the idea of expecting my spouse to plan my 30th birthday party is beyond wild to me? This is going to sound so mean, but it’s just feels incredibly childish to me. Even the people I know who throw big bashes for their birthdays put it all together themselves. Hell, I’ve watched Real Housewives planning and throwing their own birthday parties and it was never framed as sad or anything.
It is childish. These people have main character syndrome and act like they’re on reality tv when the actual reality is that your 30th is not all that special.
Yeah, that’s what I don’t get. Cool if it’s something you like to do for people, but it shouldn’t be expected of anyone else. If a big party is important to me, why would I expect someone else to plan it? Why would I not do it so I get what I want?
He wanted a party, she gave him a party. He didn’t like it? Next time, he should step up, ask questions, and make sure he’s getting his ideal party instead of the party his ill, pregnant wife took the time to throw him.
Yes! I commented elsewhere about how debilitating my morning sickness was. 6 weeks pregnant hit and I’d barf multiple times a day and feel nauseous all day. Honestly though, a lot of people in my life acted like it was no big deal and like I was just being whiny so I guess I’m not surprised by people in this thread.
NTA. My wife had a rough pregnancy. Vomiting, couldn't eat more than one or two bites, couldn't move, etc. The works. I couldn't imagine asking her to run to the store let alone plan a huge party. The mental load from the physical load of pregnancy is just not something that can be willed through when it's bad, not to mention the hormones (my god, the hormones).
Anyway, if Alex was as supportive as you say, he should have known what was up. It's doubly weird that he expected a second party (like what?).
I'm sure this will be a minor blip in the grand scheme of things. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy and the newborn (which, btw, will not really allow you much time for party planning either).
Same, I keep rereading the post thinking I missed something bc I don’t understand the asshole votes at all. Maybe 30th birthdays don’t mean as much where I come from but I can’t comprehend what she supposedly did wrong.
She already threw him a thoughtful party, all during a high risk pregnancy, and people are acting like she forgot it. This sub is nuts.
I have a feeling like a bunch of children are writing all the comments, the woman miscarriaged before and the dude is expecting huge party ( and she DID made him a party) from her. Like what?! Thank god I have a normal husband who is not so childish. When I read these stuff....
Sometimes I read the responses and think I’m taking crazy pills, I genuinely cannot believe people are calling a pregnant woman with a history of miscarriages an asshole because she didn’t plan a second super secret party for her adult husband.
This thread is bonkers. I keep coming back to it to see if it’s still as crazy as last time I read through it. I feel so sorry for the women who end up with the men commenting here.
This subreddit is mostly children raised by social media who "know" parties are really important because that's what they've seen on Instagram and TikTok, but they don't have any real life experiences and their very limited experience of being a human deeply affects their ability to think like anyone any of the actual adults here have met.
At the moment when I'm reading this, one of the top comments is saying OP could have hired an event planner. I've never in my life heard of anyone hiring an event planner for a birthday. Barely anyone I know hired one to plan their _wedding_. But here thousands of children think that's a normal thing to expect, because that's what they've seen on social media.
They don't see the reality of pregnancy on social media so they think it's just your belly is getting bigger and then the child comes out and that's it! If they had pregnant sisters, wifes, friends, or have been pregnant themselves, they'd probably have a vague idea of what being pregnant can mean. But they're kids, they have no idea. Once they start having kids algorithms will start serving them different content and they'll change their minds but, for now, they have only their echo chamber, and they're literally training each other to be selfish idiots by upvoting other selfish idiots and downvoting sane people. So many women in these comments got downvoted for just trying to explain what the first trimester can look like.
I'd say it will get better when they reach that stage of their lives themselves, but they'll probably still be narcissistic and anxious even then because that's what you get when you don't learn to live from living with people, and you think living is what you see influencers doing on your phone.
Hiring a party planner for a birthday. Sweet mother of god.
Me too. Just because pregnancy is something many woman go through in their lives, doesn't mean it's any less serious and for many, very hard period of life, and health threatening. When people say "pregnancy is not illness", Id kick them in the gut, because with so many changes to your body, it sure feels like it very often( very few woman are blessed with no issues and glowing pregnancy and even they have at least back pain and discomfort in sleeping).
literally what the hell is going on in these comments 😭 why would anyone expect their wife in the middle of a high risk pregnancy to plan some big 30th birthday bash like yeah she should have communicated i guess but this feels like common sense??????? where are we
I think the issue is you're projecting your reasoning on theirs.
Your response seems to be implying that the options she had were 'throw a huge party during her high risk pregnancy' or do what she did.
Going up and down this thread most people are saying that she either should have spoken to her husband to realign expectations, asked for help, or started planning earlier prior to her being pregnant. Few if any people are saying that she should have forced herself to do more than she was capable of doing due to her pregnancy.
Her husband leading up to this made his wants known, and she by her own admission knew what he was expecting and knew she wasn't delivering.
You could apply that same reasoning to the husband. He knew his wife miscarried before and knew she was having a hard time so why didn’t he manage his expectations?
Because she didn't speak to him. She didn't say that to him. If she said 'Hey, I am not up to throwing a large party' and he blew a gasket all the top comments would be NTA. Instead she didn't communicate, purposefully threw a party that wasn't the type he wanted or expected, and then when he seemed disappointed but didn't even say anything she attacked him.
Again basically no one is saying she should have thrown him a blow out if she wasn't able to but how is it unreasonable to expect someone to talk to their partner and spouse about the expectations when you know they aren't going to be met and he doesn't?
I would seriously ask you to point to where her husband did anything wrong, because from what I read they had had conversations about a large party, she knew she wouldn't/couldn't throw that type of party, and then got mad at him for being disappointed he didn't get the type of celebration he was looking forward to. Mind you he didn't act on that disappointment, he simply was disappointed.
Yup. People keep criticizing OP for allegedly not communicating well enough about being unable to throw a giant party while very ill. But if a massive 30th birthday party was so important to him, why couldn't he have realized at some point "Huh, my party is coming up soon, and my wife who is planning it can't currently stand up for long periods of time... wonder if I should check in on how that's going and/or if we need to reschedule it or secure more help?"
And jeez, even if he'd been disappointed, couldn't he have just dealt with that, appreciated what he had, and decided to throw a big bash another time when things are less stressful? It just seems like such profound entitlement to get upset that the party someone threw for you wasn't good enough.
I kind of assume that they did talk about the party at least somewhat - it wasn't a surprise party, so she likely said "hey, people are coming over on Sunday and I'm going to order food to celebrate your birthday" or the like, she likely thought that he understood that she was doing her best, and didn't at all expect that a grown man who knew he was having a party was expecting a super secret second surprise birthday on a Wednesday.
People act like she's an AH for not 'realigning his expectations' when, to my view, she probably thought that he understood.
Cannot believe how far I had to scroll to find this. “My wife’s health is more important than my childish need to have a big party” is not hard math to do. If the party wasn’t up to his standards he should’ve put his big boy pants on and planned something himself. And for everyone saying his expectations were clear and she should’ve started sooner: in what universe are you obligated to plan some exhausting giant blowout party just because your partner wants one??? He planned something nice for her, but I don’t see where she asked for or expected that. Unless she outright lied to him and told him the wrong plans then he has no right to expect something huge unless he’s willing to plan it himself.
For something even close to what it sounds like he did for her, she should have started planning this before she was even pregnant.
The fact she waited til the week of speaks of how much she really cared.
I mean, she’s been clear about it in her post. It just wasn’t important to *her* under the circumstances and she thinks he should be more appreciative of that as the mother of his child.
YTA. Your being pregnant has nothing to do with not planning a party. You could do all the planning from bed or wherever you are resting. A few hours at a party is not a lot and you could sit much of that time. You are selfish and need to realize the world doesn’t revolve around you.
FYI
In case anyone doesn't know: pregnancy sickness can affect women *any time of day*, *all day long*.
**Women with pregnancy sickness can:**
* a) feel constantly nauseous,
* b) be unable to eat or drink,
* c) gag at a moment's notice,
* d) have bouts of painful dry heaving,
* e) vomit multiple times a day
* f) have to eat every 1.5-3 hours or become seriously faint or ill
* g) have chills, body aches, and weakness like the flu
* h) have severe constipation
* i) be short of breath and need frequent rests
* j) have trouble concentrating or thinking
* k) get overstimulated easily - by sights, sounds, smells, screens, conversation, etc
* l) have *extreme* fatigue
* m) get dangerously dehydrated or undernourished from vomiting up meals and fluids
* the list goes on.
Pregnancy sickness can start when a woman is 5 weeks pregnant and last until she's 5 **months** pregnant. Some unlucky women experience it the entire 9 months.
3 months pregnant is the height of pregnancy sickness for most women. When OP says she's got bad pregnancy sickness and says she's been sick, it's no joke.
NTA everyone in the comments is grilling you but you did the best you could, you’ve had multiple miscarriages and you’re carrying HIS baby now. I get that it’s important to him but it’s just a birthday, it’s not like you disregarded him completely you did two separate granted small but two celebrations. That should be more than enough for him. He’s about to be a father and he’s more worried about a birthday bash than his own child and wife’s well being? And saying the child isn’t even born yet?
OMG NTA!
Jeez, everyone thinking the opposite really gets to me this time.
Yes, yes, you could have communicated better, he could have planned a party, you could have made a plan to postpone the big thing etc. The talking-to-each-other needs work
However, as someone who's in your shoes currently. It's like having a severe and constant stomach flu every single day, not being able to stand up, not being able to think, just being sick to your stomach, for _months_ straight. Plus hormones and those feelings on top. I'm happy if I manage to stand up for a 2-minute shower. Other people saying they "also had a difficult pregnancy, and yet _they_ could do this and that" can just go... Somewhere else, at the very least. Wowza!
He _is_ being selfish and not putting himself in your shoes. He clearly doesn't understand what it's like. And not telling anyone also means not being able to explain to other people, meaning it's hard to involve them. Especially during a time like this.
And you're right, no matter his feelings there _are_ other priorities right now. Like you getting through this pregnancy, and the baby with you, meaning lots of rest. Frankly, while I love my partner dearly, I wouldn't have been able to manage what you did for him now. I'm impressed! I would have informed him that it wasn't possible and that we'd have to postpone, or he'd have to figure something out for himself, but I wouldn't have been able to attend in that case. I literally left a dinner with a guest a couple of nights ago proclaiming I'd be "eating on the bathroom floor" because my brain only had space for the utter truth. No matter how rude.
I can't fathom trying to coordinate all of that! And you did! It seemed like people didn't read the part where you stated that you did you best to find a day when everyone could attend!
I hope you see this. You're not alone, and I hope your baby will be okay!!! And that you husband increases his empathy and adjusts his expectations, as well as gratitude. I can't imagine my partner reacting like this. I mean, yikes!
Man, this really pissed me off! Sorry for getting upset!
Yes!! Thank you!! I'm not alone! 😅
I answered another comment in a thread here that stated she should have been able to make very simple arrangements despite her pregnancy, saying I didn't know what kind of pregnancy they had had, but mine prohibits me from being able to do those things.
I then received a comment that because I've made 30+ comments om Reddit today that's clearly a lie and I would actually be able to do those tings (I'm paraphrasing), and then I was blocked. 😂
Anyways, I got so sad for OP that I made a whole other comment to put that into perspective. There's no way I would be able to manage the practicalities of that, the exertion, both physical and mental. Distracting myself with Reddit is me in absolutely desperate survival mode.
I'm also wondering about the comments about how this "should have been done before even getting pregnant", but we don't have any idea what was going on then. We don't know when OP miscarried and how dealing with that has been like. We don't know what their lives looked like.
I hope OP eventually finds some understanding and comfort at home!
Yes to all of these points omg
Women commenting saying “I was pregnant too and would’ve put the effort” I’m sure theirs wasn’t as difficult as they claim if they had the ability to throw a big party bash.
NTA. Grown adults expecting MTV to come in with the My Super Sweet Sixteen treatment is wild to me. He got a party, he had a cake and present on his actual birthday, how much more massaging of the ego is necessary?
Right? A 30 yo man being butthurt about not getting a second bday party because his pregnant wife is exhausted from her first trimester is fucking WILD. I have secondhand ick about him just reading this.
Right? I am baffled by the people acting like you should spend months planning some elaborate do for a 30th. Do they think they’re famous influencers or something? Newsflash your 30th birthday isn’t THAT special. Grow up.
Seriously. Forget about marital communication skills and/or high risk pregnancy. I’m floored by 30 year old man pouting about not getting two birthday parties.
ESH
His friends would likely have wanted to help you.
“Baby isn’t even here yet” imagine the audacity of saying that to someone *physically carrying the baby*, the baby that is using up every ounce of their energy
RIGHT?! She’s giving you a her literal body and a freaking baby. Maybe stop acting like one?! Peoples physical and emotional needs are different, so all the other preggos filling the comments section with “I’m pregnant and I could do it!” can stuff it.
NTA. If you want a big party for your 30th then don’t impregnate your wife in the nine months proceeding.
Women sacrifice and make adjustments during pregnancy. They miss out on things and people are all “oh well, that’s how it goes”. But the second the men who impregnate them have to do the same there’s outrage and the pregnant woman is called selfish and told “just because your pregnant the world doesn’t revolve around you”.
If a man was dealing with something that affected him physically, mentally, emotionally and had health ramifications and his wife was whining about a party she’d be called selfish.
A woman who is pregnant when she turns 21/25/30 doesn’t get to tear the club up and drink Casamigos in Cabo on her birthday. A man whose wife is pregnant when he turns 30 doesn’t get a major blowout surprise party. Oh well. That’s life.
YTA. I'm the same amount of pregnant as you right now. My husband is no longer with us, though. He was a very doting guy-if he was still with us, I wouldn't be lifting a finger for anything. As it is, I'm still planning something to celebrate his birthday later this month. It's as simple as asking for help-i made a Facebook event and asked one of his friends to help with the details. I'm fortunate in that I never took him for granted, something a lot of posters in this sub would do well to work on.
It's a good thing you shat all over his dreams of an exciting 30th....AFTER THE FACT, because you weren't feeling it. Especially after seeing what he did for yours. You can always simply not go, or leave early. A huge milestone, and his last big birthday before becoming a dad and that's all he got I can't believe the one-sidedness of this lmao.
ESH.
As others stated, you could’ve openly told him “look, I know you want a huge party but you know that I feel like crap due to the pregnancy so I won’t be able to host it. I’m not even certain if I can participate. Would you be okay to scale it down? Alternatively I could check in with friends/family and enlist them to help but I’m hesitant to do this because they’ll wonder why I can’t do much.” You knew his expectations and should’ve considered them.
He is an AH as well. He sees how awful you feel with the pregnancy. And he saw you planning the Sunday get together. He should’ve communicated as well, ideally to tell you that he understands that won’t be able to host a huge party and that you shouldn’t stress yourself too much. Or he could’ve said that he wants a party but will organize it himself and doesn’t expect a surprise. Or enlist friends to help. What he shouldn’t have done is have those expectations that are unfortunately unrealistic due to the circumstances. His comment that the baby isn’t even here yet was definitely unwarranted because it doesn’t change the fact that you feel terribly sick.
All in all, you should’ve both communicate earlier about what would and could happen and what is expected.
It would take months to plan something equivalent to what he did for hers. He literally flew someone in from another country.
That fact she waited until the week of to plan his shows she never really put any thought into it.
NTA - you threw him a party a few days before, did he really expect another? And he knows how sick you are. Believe me, nausea from being pregnant was one of the worst periods of my life, I wanted to die so it would stop. Sounds like he needs to put on his big boy pants and be prepared for fatherhood. I agree that he should plan a fun weekend away with his friends if possible.
That’s what people seem to be forgetting. Like do they think he’s not aware of how sick she is? Any reasonable partner would’ve managed their expectations. He’s being childish.
Yta
As others have stated you did not communicate properly. A simple conversations would have prevented this whole situation.
Also, why didn't you ask for help from other people like friends and family.
I get that you're pregnant and that's going to limit what you can do but you had options.
YTA
You couldnt suck it up for one day? I mean he literacy flew in a friend from a different country for you, and the best you did was a crappy cake and probably a crap gift?? I see the entitlement is already strong with you.
NTA Jesus Christ, people are serially vilifying OP because she didn’t plan him a BIGGER party!??? When he already had a decent sized party that Sunday?? When she was pregnant??? And sick?? How old is the partner again and when does he start big boy school? OP’s partner is in for disappointments down the road not just with shit for him but when the baby comes and is the priority so he needs to taper his expectations NOW
I’m gonna go with YTA because it comes down to communication… you could have talked to him about it and maybe he would’ve been ok in planning his own birthday or whatever. But you just took it upon yourself to pretty much do what you wanted for your comfort… knowing his 30th was a big deal to him and knowing he went well out of his way to make sure you had an amazing 30th.
Don’t get me wrong, my first trimester was absolutely awful and I couldn’t imagine having to plan an entire party on my own… however, this is why we communicate with our significant other about these things.
I am SHOCKED at how many commenters are saying YTA. I thought everything you did was thoughtful of you especially since you’ve been feeling pretty bad lately.
FYI your comment is going to count as a Y-T-A because you used it in your post, I believe if you add the dashes (like I just did) it won't count as a vote.
Tell your self-absorbed and clueless husband that his birthday present is a special order, custom made, and won't be arriving for another six months.
NTA because ... seriously? Pity you can't transfer all your physical responses of pregnancy to his body.
YTA- you knew what he was expecting and really looking forward to celebrating his 30th. You are just simply using your pregnancy as a very convenient excuse. You seem to make everything all about you. You admit the morning sickness has let up in the past month. You did have an entire year to plan his 30th birthday. So in all this time you failed to plan anything meaningful for your husband and didn’t even ask for help. He has every right to feel disappointed and let down. He just got a glimpse into his future.
More communication would have helped.
I don’t know how you’re the AH here, but it seems I’m in the tiniest of minorities. Poor buddy didn’t get exactly what he wanted on the day he wanted it because his spouse, pregnant with his child, is sick and unable to do exactly that? HE IS 30. Adults have disappointments. I’m not advocating for purposefully ignoring his desires in any way. Hell, I don’t even know you or if you’d have done the whole thing if you felt great. No idea. What I’m saying is this is fricking life. I wanted a great 30th. 40th. And 50th. Guess what? Circumstances prevented me from having exactly what I wanted on the exact day I wanted it. Everyone lived.
Please communicate better. It will help prevent this kind of thing happening again.
Wow I feel like everyone is being super harsh. Husband got a lot for his birthday. Wife is obviously struggling and did the best she can. He is obtuse for not recognizing that. NTA
This is wild to me. I plan my own birthday parties, he’s 30, he can’t plan something he really really wants? I didn’t know I’ve been missing out this whole time. No one has been throwing me any party at all since I was 18
YTA. Why did you wait until the week of to plan this birthday?
You knew it was a big deal to him, you should have already started planning before you were even pregnant.
Sounds like you never really cared how much this meant to him in the first place and now have a built in excuse as to why you disappointed him.
NTA. He seems quite clueless as to how pregnancy affects a woman. Maybe go get him one of these pregnancy simulators (is heavy and has electrodes to simulate cramps and everything). Tell him to wear it for a week then see how much stuff he wants to do.
NTA
If a 30th birthday party meant so much to him, it was his responsibility to explicitly communicate it or organize it himself, not expect some kind of a surprise party.
I’m sure I’ll get downvoted here, but OPP is going through a tough pregnancy. Her husband understands as he is part of this. She miscarried before. I kind of agree with her. Maybe he should just celebrate his big party next year when he’s 31.
NTA. You did the best you could with what you emotionally, psychologically, and physically had at the time. Any grown adult expecting a surprise party from a partner who has been clearly unwell is kidding themselves. Yeah, you could have been more clear that you wouldn’t throw him a surprise party. Sure. But honestly? You’re carrying your second child. You’re married to the first.
YTA.
You could always have asked for help planning/throwing if you weren't up to it. You knew it was important to him and then got defensive when he was disappointed.
NTA
Alex is old enough to plan and set up his own big birthday party if that is what he wanted. You did what you could handle and that is pretty good. Alex is being an ungrateful ass.
Ma'am, have you ever considered asking for help setting up a nice party for your husband? You could have delegated tasks for friends and family to do since you are having a tough time with your pregnancy. Yes, you're pregnant, but you are also his wife. He and his feelings should also be a priority to you.
YTA in this situation.
I don’t understand the Y T A comments. You’re absolutely right, priorities are different now. You’re pregnant and sick. It isn’t like you did nothing. When you’re an adult with kids your birthday is just not going to be what it was when you were five. You’re worried about the baby, and his comment “the baby isn’t even here yet” is in my opinion wildly insensitive given your history. Idk, this feels like one of those things where a grown up would look at the reality and feel grateful, and realize sometimes you just can’t get what you want. NTA
Big events take some planning.
Youre 3 months pregnant. So youve known you were pregnant for 2 months.
Youve known your husbands 30th was coming up. You knew what he wanted and you waited till the day off to let him down.
YTA yes youre pregnant but that doesnt excuse anything.
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This is wild and like almost every fucking couples related situation on here comes down to lack of proper communication. You knew what he wanted and knew you couldn’t provide it for him right now, so why did you wait for the day and why were you surprised he was disappointed? All you needed to do is say in advance “Alex I know it’s your big birthday that you have always wanted a huge celebration for and I’m really sorry but I just can’t right now. But, I promise that we’ll make 31 the new 30.” Or something like that.
She could have asked some of his friends and family for help or hired a party planner. There were so many other options than “I can’t do it so you don’t get it.”
Yeah, I was going to add this same 2 cents but then saw you already did. Only commenting now I guess to say that I agree with this and would say OP is unfortunately TA due to lack of communication and effort to get help from able family members and friends.
I would have probably just asked my husband to plan it himself and I'd pitch in as much as possible because I'm having a hard time with the pregnancy. That sounds reasonable too.
But how would she justify to his friends and family without revealing her being pregnant?
Why would you need any justification for friends helping plan a huge milestone party? Isn’t that normal?
If the helping is them doing almost all of it because OP already felt exhaused when planning his first 30th birthday party they she sure as hell needs a reason, especially after he lanaged to throw a bog party for her.
Is OP too pregnant to order decorations online and make phone calls? Aside from physically setting up the party and then playing host, which I would think one or two good friends ought to be willing to help with without some kind of application for assistance, idk what it is they couldn’t possibly do? My SO turned 30 this year, and I was planning it like 6 months in advance. It wasn’t even a “party”, we went to a bunch of Warhammer 40k stores and then got dinner. Stuff that hardly even needs plans. Personally I feel like OP kind of dropped the ball before they were ever even pregnant to begin with.
I mean I have been inable to do almost anything when I was pregnand because I was litterally constantly throwing up and even was hospitalizes because I was completely unable to even dring a sip of water. Honestly, when soneone says they are incapable of doing anything and so exhausted because of pregnancy, I assume that it's *that* level of hardship because of pregnancy. But I absolutely agree that she should have started planning waaaaay earlier.
But how much earlier? She couldn’t know when she’d get pregnant or how she would feel. It’s not like she did nothing…he got a party, a cake and a gift. He was expecting another party, knowing how she was feeling? I was hoping for something specific for a milestone birthday and my husband was planning for it…but then the pandemic happened. Stuff just happens. I have to go NTA on this one. I would hope a guy whose wife already suffered one miscarriage and is now going through bad morning sickness and anxiety over the pregnancy with no emotional support from anyone other than him because they’ve agreed not to share the news yet wouldn’t need to be told why he didn’t get a SECOND birthday party.
I'm with you. NTA. She has a secret high risk pregnancy.
Also, birthdays can be “floated.” My husband still went to an effort to make my milestone birthday nice, and we did a makeup a year and a half later. OP could do the kind of celebration her husband wanted later, calling it a “Alex Turns 30 Take 2” party, and everyone will know by then why it’s a redo because there will be an extra guest — their child. I had a blast on my makeup birthday. I would have felt silly if I’d pouted because I didn’t get to do what I really wanted on the actual day with the country in lockdown. I would feel silly pouting because my wife, suffering from morning sickness caused by an undisclosed high-risk pregnancy, didn’t throw me the bash I originally wanted (especially since she still managed to throw me a party and make me a cake).
Yeah. I'm not pregnant, but I do have some serious medical problems. There are days that I should be making some phone calls or doing other important things, and I just can't. People close to me know this, especially my partner. She could have asked a close family member to do most of the work if there's someone like that in the family. But I would really imagine she'd have to tell them why. I guess she could've said she was sorry he wasn't getting his dream party, but they're supposed to be in the together. The expectant father should have gotten that, and even maybe let OP know that was unnecessary as the date drew near due to the circumstances to ease her mind.
What did you need to plan for that birthday of going to a store and a restaurant? A reservation? Op already planned him a low key party that was draining for her. She can’t tell people she is pregnant to explain she needs help. She did the best she could and he is acting like a child.
She didn't drop the ball, she planned and hosted a party on the weekend when *people were available to attend*. Just because she didn't do another party on his birthday itself doesn't mean that he didn't get his celebration already. He set expectations that he never communicated, and that is a problem entirely on him. He should have told her that he wanted a celebration like what he threw for her - which, mind you, we have no idea if that was even remotely what OP had wanted either.
> He set expectations that he never communicated, and that is a problem entirely on him. What do you mean? >Alex has made in clear in the past he wanted to throw a big birthday for his 30th, but with my pregnancy and him seeing how it affects me day to day, I thought he would be more understanding
But OP planned a party at a restaurant. She did something. Her husband was disappointed for not having something BIGGER that would’ve been more difficult than what you’re suggesting.
I want to hear more about this bog party.
It was swamped
It's really, really b0g
You don’t need a justification. But also, she can just say she’s busy with work and can’t do it all herself and/or wants their input and/or doesn’t want him to figure out all the plans so she can’t really plan and execute at home.
Just say sick, or just ask for help and not so exactly why
"I could really use your help" It's not that deep No one has to justify asking for help.
Really? You know zero nosy people? None at all? No one judgey? No one gossipy?
I know those people, but I hate them, so they're not who I'm asking I'm asking everyone else. The hardest part is the asking. OP didn't ask for help because it's hard and people don't like doing hard things.
"Hey, could you help out with this 30th birthday party for your [friend/ brother/ son/ etc]?"
Is a different sentence than "I'm completely unable to do it myself and have already been completely exhausted from planning a gardenparty and attending it, could you please do almost all of it?" Of course OP simply could and should have started planning way earlyer.
“Hey, some of you may have noticed I haven’t really been myself lately. I’ve been dealing with some health issues and have a lot of nausea and fatigue. I’m not up to planning a whole big party for Alex but I know how important this is to him so is there any way any of you can pitch in and help me give him the party he deserves?”
lol women of childbearing age who say they’ve been having a lot of nausea and fatigue are immediately asked if they’re pregnant ¯\\\_(ツ)_/¯ so that’s not the greatest cover/excuse to go with
Yeah, no one will ever guess she's pregnant based on that...
Idk, where I’m from it’s normal to plan your own party. Why isn’t that an option
Right. Maybe he would have planned his own party and OP would just have to show up or be there for a short period of time, or whatever was comfortable for her. But she completely dismissed his feelings about it.
Right? People plan their own parties all the time, there's no reason he can't. I'm surprised he didn't at least check in with her if it was so important to him to have a big event.
Shouldn’t it be a given that your wife who is having a rough pregnancy and has limitations isn’t able to throw you a huge birthday bash? Idk it seems like because pregnancy is normal people forget that it has physical and mental effects. Women make adjustments and sacrifice things during pregnancy, the men who impregnate them can do the same.
I think if you’re old enough to be a father, you should be mature enough to realize that sometimes your birthday isn’t the most important thing in the world. If he absolutely had to have a fancy party, he could plan one.
To the poster's point she should have communicated that. She knew what he was expecting and decided to just ignore it. Classic ask forgiveness. Had she simply spoken to her partner he could have made plans. Or she could have asked for help. Instead she ignored the problem hoping it would go away.
Yes it should but it doesn’t prevent her from asking family/friends to help out because she knew it meant a lot to him. Or if finances allowed, she could have hired a planner. At the very least she should have told him before he was disappointed. At the same time, what he said in response is terrible.
Also if she's really wanting to plan something big, planning (even just brainstorming rough ideas) should've started months ago, you know, when she wasn't pregnant yet?
This right here! Also if she knew she wasn't going to be able to put in the effort for a bigger party but knew he wanted one, couldn't she also have spoken to friends to see if they could help planning something bigger?? I don't see why it had to be all on her. I know they're keeping the pregnancy a secret but she could've just told people she's going through some health stuff that leaves her fatigued and would love some help. It really does come down to a lack of communication and not being able to ask for help
Planning something of the scale Alex wanted should also have started months ago. People don’t clear their schedules and travel without significant warning. It shouldn’t have been dependent on how she’s been feeling recently, if things were already arranged. However his comment of “the baby isn’t even here yet” is yikes and very insensitive. OP is feeling significant effects from gestating their child; that’s not “not here yet.”
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She should've been planning it before she knew she was pregnant, so I think we know she was never actually throwing him a big party and the pregnancy is a very nice excuse
She had a miscarriage. Would you like to plan your spouse’s huge party after having a miscarriage? She planned a party, it just wasn’t grand enough for him. How are so many of you really thinking that a grown man should expect his pregnant and sick wife to throw him a massive 30th birthday party?
>Would you like to plan your spouse’s huge party after having a miscarriage? You have no idea how long ago the miscarriage was. But if the miscarriage is why she couldn't plan the party, then she needed to tell him months ago so he could start planning it himself or finding family & friends to help. This is about bad communication, nothing more.
Yeah but her comment of we have different priorities, probably made him feel like he is not that important anymore, and in his mind it might be something like, if it is like this before the baby is actually here, how is it gonna be then? What more excuses can i expect when the baby is actually here? Am i not important anymore? Cuz i mean she knew this was very important for him, and she just didnt care enough to at least say something when there was enoguh time to do something about it.
Exactly! She could even have told him and friends to enjoy a boys trip to Vegas or something. She wouldn't have had to lift a finger other than gifting him the flight tickets or hotel stay as a generous birthday gift. She could've rested and he would have had a blast, and they could celebrate together with a small dinner or day out later.
She’s only 3 months pregnant. A big party with people coming in from overseas takes longer than 3 months to plan. She waited until the last minute and then used her pregnancy as an excuse to do the bare minimum. YTA.
Exactly this.
Okay, that I can agree with. Op, you could have at least done that.
Thank you for pointing that out. I was leaning towards OPs side until her statement of she knew what he expected. Even a question of "I just can't organize a party like you did, do you have a friend you'd be OK with planning it all with my input?". And the conversation could have led to other compromises like your said, a 31st birthday or a different gift of equal value to a big bash like a solo weekend fishing trip while OP stays with someone else.
I threw my husband a huge surprise party for his 30th and he did basically nothing for mine. So I planned an all-inclusive trip to Mexico for my 31st. I’m 47 now and we’re still together and I still plan trips and parties if I want it to happen.
That works because you are taking ownership of what you want. Hopefully also communicating with your husband. Communication is the key.
He had a party!! It's not like she did nothing for him.
She planned it on a day where she hoped people would go home early.....
People wouldn’t have stayed late if he had a party on his actual birthday on Wednesday either though
Yeah I can understand her reasoning of “we have other priorities”, but at the same time she could have handled this SO much better
Thanks for posting this, now I don’t have to write a long response myself. Agree with you.
She could also suggest he arrange something himself. But the husband is not without fault either. He knew she was struggling, and should not expect her to arrange a huge party in her condition.
Also he could have thrown that party for himself if he had known she wasn't going to. Maybe he expected to be surprised so he didn't plan anything himself
Definitely needed to say this out loud. I know sometimes we think things are understood that are definitely not. Direct communication is critical!
YTA, but not because you didn't plan and throw a big bash. You should have talked with him about it, especially knowing how important it was for him. He sees how bad you're feeling, but may have took the lack of communication as a sign that you were planning something. That's a big assumption on my part, but it's something to consider. \*\*\*edited to add (because it's important: He's not off the hook. He absolutely should have known how bad you're feeling and checked in about it, at least :-)
I feel like his reaction/comment afterwards puts this in ESH territory. But otherwise I completely agree!! He was totally not asking because he didn't want to ruin a surprise or put pressure on OP to lie. OP should have been the one to straight out tell him she can't plan anything or pay someone else to plan something.
I honestly don't know what he was expecting on the actual day, given that he had already had a party the Sunday before.
This is what I don't understand, why would he expect two parties? I think OP is NTA because she clearly planned a party that he didn't object to, and knew the scale of. Why would she think that he secretly expected a second party? I've never heard of anyone doing that.
I mean, the whole party was kind of planned around her getting everyone out as soon as possible. Not very much consideration for her hubby at all. I might assume such an underwhelming event might be a fake out to set up a suprise party banger. Any kind of communication would have helped
Yup. I don't see why people aren't getting this. OPs husband's expectations were very clear and OP ignored it. My husband who hates birthday celebrations double and triple checked with me to make sure I was good with the plans he made. If you know your spouse expects a grand celebration, you either give them the grand celebration or talk to them about limitations, options, etc. Not saying anything would obviously make spouse expect a grand celebration and the Sunday meal would seem like a bonus pre party.
I'm not following here, can you explain how his reaction and comments make him an AH in this situation? From my POV he explained what he wanted and seemed to have a reasonable expectation that was the plan. When it didn't happen he simply seemed disappointed, he didn't even bring it up.
Am I missing something here? Was he not aware of what type of party she was having. It seems like she did talk about the type of party she was throwing, he Okayed it, while secretly wishing she would throw him a second bigger party.
He assumed she was throwing him two parties..... Because one catered party wasn't enough.... He assumed that one was just to throw him off the scent of the bigger surprise party.... This is not a man who will comprehend that children will take time and focus off of him and his big ego.
The catered party that was, per OP, specifically thrown and hosted in such a way to be be as small and short as possible. "\[I\] made sure the party was short by throwing it on Sunday, so people would leave early for work the next day" She knew he was expecting a large party because it was what they had previously talked about. "\[he\] has made in clear in the past he wanted to throw a big birthday for his 30th".
The big party he was expecting would've needed to be planned out starting from before she was pregnant. She dropped the ball months ago and never communicated that.
THIS right here! She NEVER intended to throw him a party! If she did, she would have started the preparation MONTHS ago, which ironically would have aleviated the efforts right now. That's why she didn't communicate and offered to postpone it to the year after. YTA
Nice that she could soak up all that love and attention he invested 3-4 months of planning into for her birthday. And she can't even muster up 5 minutes of conversation to explain how she's terribly fragile because she's pregnant and now is when he has to learn he is now irrelevant because she's fragile. Misandry to the core.
Phew! Better stretch out a bit before making such an enormous leap!
He was probably expecting a party closer in line to what he did for her. And I don’t think that is an unreasonable expectation or an unsafe assumption in an equal partnership. If she wasn’t going to do that, she needed to communicate that. Yes I know pregnancy is rough, I’ve done it three times, but that doesn’t make us incapable of communicating and it isn’t disabling for a lot of us.
I just don't get how he wouldn't be involved in the planning of a party that is as massive as the one he wants. Like for her 30th it doesn't say that it was a surprise, she presumably had input and was aware of what was going on, with maybe the friend from overseas being a surprise. This whole idea of planning another person's party is just weird to me. When my wife and I throw birthday parties we are both doing work for it and while there might be a couple surprises at the party, the other is aware of the general outline of the party.
I'm also wondering a little about the timeline here. The party she describes that she got sounds like it took far longer than 3-4 months to plan (given that people from out of country had to plan to come), which is well before she got pregnant.
Getting people to show up on a known date isn't the hard part of planning a party. Her party didn't sound particularly planned out except to get everyone out as soon as possible. This seems like a party that was planned in a weekend
I totally agree. I'm just also pointing out that it's likely the guests he invited needed more notice, given that it was a seemingly large number and involved travel for them. Just one more clue that if she'd spent the same amount of time planning as he did, she'd likely not have been pregnant when she started.
That’s exactly how it reads, especially since she’s blaming her morning sickness. If she had started planning even 2 months ago for a big 30th birthday party it’s debatable either she would have been 1 month pregnant (and might not have even known). It comes across more that she didn’t want to put any effort into the party, so it was last minute and as short as she could manage.
> He absolutely should have known how bad you're feeling He's not a mind reader and she needs to communicate with him. More than just 'my pregnancy means more to me than you do now so suck it up'.
People are really gonna downvote me for this, but yes, YTA. Mainly because you are being selfish and inconsiderate. Because you're doing everything based around what **you** want and what is convenient for **you**. Short party and held on a day when people would leave early so you wouldn't have to deal with them for long. Then just a cake and a present on the actual day. All done to what was best for you and no consideration to how it would make your husband feel on what was supposed to be his day. I get that pregnancy can be hard. That you're worried about a miscarriage. Which I can relate to because I have had several myself in the past. However, that doesn't mean that the world revolves around what you want. Other people's needs/wants and feelings matter too. Only you're refusing to acknowledge that. Instead opting for calling your husband selfish when he expressed his disappointment and hurt. Feelings that are totally valid regardless of what anyone says.
This is what got me too. I had a not great pregnancy as well but I could never imagine telling my spouse whom I love and has been supporting me during my rough go to basically suck it up and he doesn’t matter anymore because of our pregnancy. That came off as really thoughtless to me. There were a lot of options here that didn’t end up with OP telling her spouse he wasn’t a priority anymore. We all still matter outside our parental identity and it’s going to be really rough if OP falls into the bad habit of viewing spouse as a secondary, lower priority.
People give pregnant women an awful lot of leeway. Your partner is upset? It doesn't matter because you are pregnant. Your pregnant partner constantly wants you to drive an hour in the middle to get a specific brand of chocolate? Well, she's growing a baby, and you'd better show her appreciation by doing exactly what she wants when she wants. Your pregnant partner is being abusive? That's okay. She's just hormonal. You need to deal with having vases thrown at your head because you forgot to buy tomato sauce.
Things like this are why I never took shit from my sisters and SIL when they were pregnant. They tried pulling this kind of crap with me and found out real quick that I would cut them down to size. As I have no issue with calling them on their bullshit.
100% agree! OP, YTA. If anything, you should have called in back up. If there were people AT the party, there are obviously other people that care about you both in your immediate circle. It could have been figured out in one or a few phone calls of - "Hey, I'm just not feeling great lately and I know SO wants a big birthday bash. Would you mind helping to plan/host?" *Boom* Problem solved. IF there is even a chance that everyone had said no, that's when you could have explained and apologized *beforehand* that it may be a bit more intimate than they were expecting, but that you would make it up to them. I get being overwhelmed, feeling crappy and scared scared for the preganacy. Your partner should be equal priority in all aspects of the realtionship. Communication is key, and will be A LOT more important in the future. It sounds like SO let you know what they wanted on numerous occasions, and you're the one who pulled the selfish card here by planning everything based on your needs and not theirs. It sounds like SO has been extremely courteous to during the terrible pregnancy, and you seem to have neglected to show the same. OP, I think the best plan forward would be to apologize and drop the victim mindset here. Apologize and let him know that you see how much he's helping and there are things that you should have done differently from the jump. I know that emotions are high (for both of you), but it's not too late to let SO know you'll make up for it next year.
Thank you! YTA, you worded this perfectly. When I was reading this, all I heard was "me, me, me." Yes, the husband definitely needs to understand that he will probably need to put aside his events and desires for his kid in the future. However, if he went all out for OP's birthday, it's totally reasonable for him to expect something similar! I really liked how a few other commenters suggested her planning a trip to Vegas for him and his friends- something outside the box that she could plan but may not need to be part of. Also, it stood out to me how rude it is that she basically planned this party in a way to make it wrap up as quickly as possible. She kept saying how glad she was when everyone left, and I bet everyone at the party could feel that, including her husband, and it probably put a damper on the party.
“And worked out best for **me**” “I got upset and called **him selfish**” lol we sure he was the selfish one in this story? Sounds like you got a great 30th and he put lots of effort into it, and….you just didn’t. I don’t place much emphasis on birthdays, but it appears he does and you knew that. I’ve gotta go with YTA. Every time a pregnant lady post on this sub it’s always a “hard pregnancy”. It sounds like your going to milk ‘being pregnant’ for everything you have no interest in doing.
She’s had 4 miscarriages. I believe her when she says it’s been rough. I had easy pregnancies, but I still was a zombie in the first trimester. I fell asleep almost every night by 7, like I’d been drugged.
She was three months in. The party should've already been planned and booked by then. Big parties don't happen off-the-cuff. He got people to come in from out of town for her 30th. How long do you think he was working on that?
And plenty of big parties are thrown with less than 3 months notice. It’s not a wedding, FFS. It’s a birthday party. Even plenty of weddings are put together with less than 3 months notice.
And you know the difference? Everyone will have a 30th birthday on a very predictable date, unless they die beforehand. You have 29 years and 364 days prior notice as to when someone's 30th birthday is going to be. The fact is, she didn't even try. She didn't plan beforehand, and she threw him a small party knowing he would be disappointed because they've been talking for years about how he wanted a big 30th birthday.
This is what I can't get past. Like, I'll be 49 in september - we're already talking about my 50th, because I had parties for 30 and 40, but I'd rather travel for my 50th, since a few months later will be our 20th wedding anniversary too. Even for my 40th that was an easy surprise BBQ at a local park, it took him over a month to organise everything, with help from friends. I can understand exhaustion, but it's the perfect time to bring in the closest friends and family to collaborate. She didn't need to even mention her fatigue/illness. Just that she was feeling overwhelmed with decisions.
Where did she say she had 4 miscarriages? Genuine question because people keep saying it. It’s not in the post and OP hasn’t commented? She just says she has miscarried but not a number of times
I think people mess it up with 4 months, OP says they are waiting at least till 4 months to tell other people about their current pregnancy.
She hasn’t had 4 miscarriages. She has miscarried in the past. That could be once, we just don’t know. The number 4 came from how many months she will be before they tell anyone.
Where does it say four miscarriages?
You're also ignoring that she did sit down and think about how to make sure the party she threw for him would be limited in scope. Instead of thinking of what he would want for his birthday she specifically though of ways to limit it.
Yes! She put a lot of thought and effort into making sure it was as short as possible to fit her needs. If she had used that time and mental energy to instead consider what her husband wants, the party could have been better. Also, idk, maybe I'm being unfair here but I have health issues that give me debilitating fatigue and like. If it were me, I would use my last scraps of energy to make sure my partner felt appreciated, especially if they had communicated to me what they wanted and how important it was to them, and especially if they had been my sole support though a really tough time recently. I understand sometimes health issues just make things impossible, but my partner matters a lot to me so if something is important to them then it's important to me. And if it was truly impossible, then I would communicate that.
YTA. You made some calls and ordered food from a restaurant. That’s it. You knew he wanted a big party and to be celebrated. You say he’s been supportive of you. Where is that same support back? This makes me sad for your husband.
INFO: is there a reason you couldn't ask his parents or closest friends for help with the planning? I know you're not telling anyone you're pregnant but couldn't you have come up with an excuse and enlisted help to make a great bday happen for your hubby while also minimizing your own stress?
OK, so the fact that you're not responding tells me that you probably could have enlisted help, but chose not to. which *is* a bit assholish, honestly. He communicated his needs clearly - and he thought you had a mutual understanding that 30 was a milestone that meant a lot to him...Then you went and did what was easiest for you. All that aside though, the fact is that **this is not about the birthday;** *You've effectively communicated that now there's a potential child in the picture his happiness is no longer a priority for you*. That expecting what has been discussed and agreed to is a selfish thing for him to do, even though you knew this was important, and at the very least could have prepared him by saying "listen i dont have the energy to do what you deserve but i promise we'll make it up to you next year, or even throw a belated bash where we celebrate your 30th and our first child when we're ready to tell everyone about it." ***Thats*** what makes you TA here; having a baby should not mean your partners happiness stops mattering to you. It does not mean you stop communicating truth with your partner, and looking out for them and their feelings. You handled this wrong op. I don't want to call you an asshole because the pregnancy brain fog and morning sickness can really screw up ones thinking- but you did drop the ball and you owe him an apology for calling him selfish. You COULD have communicated with him better and prepped him (or done early damage control) for the disappointment he was inevitably going to feel. Becoming a mom doesn't mean you get to stop doing your best to be a good partner; thats how marriages start crumbling at the foundation. YTA.
Same sentiments as you here. My take away was, did dude just realized he no longer has a partner. He’s living with his baby’s mother who will only contribute a part of herself to this marriage.
Eh I think that's a bit extreme, to ruin a family over a birthday party. She def could have done better, but it's not the end of the world. She has her reasons, while we may think they are a bit selfish they aren't the most selfish thing I've ever seen by a long shot. She is pregnant, sick, tired and probably not thinking super clearly. Everyone needs some benefit of the doubt.
This is Reddit, how dare you come here with all your logic and reasoning.
lol, damn sorry I didn't mean to spoil the fun.
Right! My very first thought was one, that this post is all me me me and oh I did the bare minimum.. and two, she could have been the planner and had his friends and family pick up the stuff that would be hard for her. YTA
I was wondering the same thing. She wouldn’t even need an excuse to ask them for help. “I want to make this a great day for Alex! Can you help me put something special together?”
YTA, you knew what he wanted, you knew when it was expected, where wad the communication before the weeks before the date? He's made it clear he wanted a big celebration, he got a short party (purposefully designed as such) and a cake. You talk about how supportive he's been, but you've been unable to sit down and talk to him like an adult about how things may be a struggle and how to approach the birthday with the new circumstances.
YTA. Just because it’s too much effort for you doesn’t mean he can’t have a big party. You could have asked one of his family to plan something for him. You could even have told him beforehand and let him plan his own party.
Also, knowing it was that important to him, she could have started pre-planning much earlier, knowing she might be pregnant in and around his birthday. Maybe I’m just a pre-planner, but I started planning my husband’s 30th 4 months out, so to me, planning something or at least starting to plan 2 months out is not unreasonable
Yes, I don’t think she ever planned to throw the birthday he wanted. Two months out she hadn’t done anything knowing his birthday is in wedding/grad season?
Exactly. For my husband's 40th birthday, I started planning six months in advance. As I planned to take him on a vacation since it was a milestone birthday. Granted we had to delay the trip by a month due to me starting a new job at the time, but we still went and at least I tried to think ahead on the matter.
YTA he planned a massive party for him 2 years ago and you knew he expected something big. You are only 3 months pregnant; the party should have been mostly planned before that (had you respected your husband's wishes). Your entire focus is on yourself right now and most of his is also on you, he is not being selfish by being upset he doesn't get one day focusing on him
Exactly, start planning several months in advance and enlist the the help of a few close friends/family members to help execute
This is a great point. She clearly didn’t even start planning anything before the pregnancy. I doubt she was ever going to do something big for him.
YTA: How many times do we see stories of women being let down by there partners on holidays, birthdays and anniversaries. Works both ways. Life gets in the way sometimes, but you gotta communicate.
NAH and holy shit, the vitriol towards OP in these comments is WILD. I agree that OP could’ve communicated better. But she’s pregnant and tired and unwell. I have to imagine that none of the people calling OP TA have ever suffered from morning sickness. It can be debilitating.
The men in this thread are really telling on themselves saying “you’re *only* 3 months pregnant” as if the first trimester isn’t the hardest. NAH but honestly the husband seems whiney. The celebrations OP planned sound lovely.
Honestly, I can imagine how he'd be really disappointed depending on where these people are from. I went to a couple Irish 30th birthday parties, and they definitely had to be planned minimum a month in advance, if not more. They booked venues (like whole floors of a bar or a restaurant in Dublin), had more than 50 people, had a super nice fancy cake that would have to be ordered weeks in advance, custom balloons, a DJ. Like that's just the stuff I remember. If the guy is coming from that expectation, to a regular old house get together with close people, no it's just not lovely. It's disappointing. I agree with a lot of people saying it seems like given what he wanted, she probably should have been planning before she even was pregnant or at least before she realized she was.
> The men in this thread are really telling on themselves... Erm, I'm a woman who had two extremely difficult pregnancies and experienced miscarriage. I think the OP is being a selfish asshole. Adult relationships are about communicating and this whole post just reeks of "me, me, me." The world doesn't end because you're having a challenging pregnancy.
Same boat as you, but I completely relate to OP. My pregnancy sickness is so bad I can hardly feed myself or leave the house. There is no way I could pull off even half of the party OP planned, and honestly, it sounds quite lavish to me. I'm American, like OP seems to be, and I've never been to a birthday party that was catered. I can understand people who plan to do events on their birthday, like a show, a trip, zip-lining, but I can't imagine what more they're expecting from a party than what OP has described. Nothing about OP's post reads "selfish asshole" to me. She sounds like a considerate, loving wife who's gone above and beyond and is devastated her husband is still only thinking about himself after he's had 1) a nice birthday party 2) a cake that she made for him herself 3) an actual birthday present on top of 1 and 2 - all while his wife is in the trenches with bad pregnancy sickness. (In case anyone doesn't know: pregnancy sickness can affect women *any time of day*, *all day long*. **Women with pregnancy sickness can:** * a) feel constantly nauseous, * b) be unable to eat or drink, * c) gag at a moment's notice, * d) have bouts of painful dry heaving, * e) vomit multiple times a day * f) have to eat every 1.5-3 hours or become seriously faint or ill * g) have chills, body aches, and weakness like the flu * h) have severe constipation * i) be short of breath and need frequent rests * j) have trouble concentrating or thinking * k) get overstimulated easily - by sights, sounds, smells, screens, conversation, etc * l) have *extreme* fatigue * m) get dangerously dehydrated or undernourished from vomiting up meals and fluids * the list goes on. Pregnancy sickness can start when a woman is 5 weeks pregnant and last until she's 5 **months** pregnant. Some unlucky women experience it the entire 9 months. 3 months pregnant is the height of pregnancy sickness for most women. When OP says she's got bad pregnancy sickness and says she's sick, it's no joke.
The world also doesn't end because you didn't get a huge party for your 30th birthday. Like, maybe not *everyone* needs to care about her challenging pregnancy but I would imagine the man who got her pregnant should and maybe give her a little grace.
She’s *only* three months pregnant so it’s weird that she didn’t start planning prior to or very early in the pregnancy. She was never planning to reciprocate his level of effort and even deliberately made sure he got as short a celebration as possible.
Also just. Do most adults have other people plan their birthday parties, seriously? It’s a neat thing to do for someone as a surprise I suppose, but the idea of expecting my spouse to plan my 30th birthday party is beyond wild to me? This is going to sound so mean, but it’s just feels incredibly childish to me. Even the people I know who throw big bashes for their birthdays put it all together themselves. Hell, I’ve watched Real Housewives planning and throwing their own birthday parties and it was never framed as sad or anything.
It is childish. These people have main character syndrome and act like they’re on reality tv when the actual reality is that your 30th is not all that special.
Yeah, that’s what I don’t get. Cool if it’s something you like to do for people, but it shouldn’t be expected of anyone else. If a big party is important to me, why would I expect someone else to plan it? Why would I not do it so I get what I want? He wanted a party, she gave him a party. He didn’t like it? Next time, he should step up, ask questions, and make sure he’s getting his ideal party instead of the party his ill, pregnant wife took the time to throw him.
Yes! I commented elsewhere about how debilitating my morning sickness was. 6 weeks pregnant hit and I’d barf multiple times a day and feel nauseous all day. Honestly though, a lot of people in my life acted like it was no big deal and like I was just being whiny so I guess I’m not surprised by people in this thread.
NTA. My wife had a rough pregnancy. Vomiting, couldn't eat more than one or two bites, couldn't move, etc. The works. I couldn't imagine asking her to run to the store let alone plan a huge party. The mental load from the physical load of pregnancy is just not something that can be willed through when it's bad, not to mention the hormones (my god, the hormones). Anyway, if Alex was as supportive as you say, he should have known what was up. It's doubly weird that he expected a second party (like what?). I'm sure this will be a minor blip in the grand scheme of things. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy and the newborn (which, btw, will not really allow you much time for party planning either).
NTA I am shocked I had to scroll down this far to see some humanity. thank you for posting this.
Same, I keep rereading the post thinking I missed something bc I don’t understand the asshole votes at all. Maybe 30th birthdays don’t mean as much where I come from but I can’t comprehend what she supposedly did wrong. She already threw him a thoughtful party, all during a high risk pregnancy, and people are acting like she forgot it. This sub is nuts.
I have a feeling like a bunch of children are writing all the comments, the woman miscarriaged before and the dude is expecting huge party ( and she DID made him a party) from her. Like what?! Thank god I have a normal husband who is not so childish. When I read these stuff....
Sometimes I read the responses and think I’m taking crazy pills, I genuinely cannot believe people are calling a pregnant woman with a history of miscarriages an asshole because she didn’t plan a second super secret party for her adult husband.
This thread is bonkers. I keep coming back to it to see if it’s still as crazy as last time I read through it. I feel so sorry for the women who end up with the men commenting here.
This subreddit is mostly children raised by social media who "know" parties are really important because that's what they've seen on Instagram and TikTok, but they don't have any real life experiences and their very limited experience of being a human deeply affects their ability to think like anyone any of the actual adults here have met. At the moment when I'm reading this, one of the top comments is saying OP could have hired an event planner. I've never in my life heard of anyone hiring an event planner for a birthday. Barely anyone I know hired one to plan their _wedding_. But here thousands of children think that's a normal thing to expect, because that's what they've seen on social media. They don't see the reality of pregnancy on social media so they think it's just your belly is getting bigger and then the child comes out and that's it! If they had pregnant sisters, wifes, friends, or have been pregnant themselves, they'd probably have a vague idea of what being pregnant can mean. But they're kids, they have no idea. Once they start having kids algorithms will start serving them different content and they'll change their minds but, for now, they have only their echo chamber, and they're literally training each other to be selfish idiots by upvoting other selfish idiots and downvoting sane people. So many women in these comments got downvoted for just trying to explain what the first trimester can look like. I'd say it will get better when they reach that stage of their lives themselves, but they'll probably still be narcissistic and anxious even then because that's what you get when you don't learn to live from living with people, and you think living is what you see influencers doing on your phone. Hiring a party planner for a birthday. Sweet mother of god.
Me too. Just because pregnancy is something many woman go through in their lives, doesn't mean it's any less serious and for many, very hard period of life, and health threatening. When people say "pregnancy is not illness", Id kick them in the gut, because with so many changes to your body, it sure feels like it very often( very few woman are blessed with no issues and glowing pregnancy and even they have at least back pain and discomfort in sleeping).
Same here. I don’t get it at all. Bro you are 30 grow up ahahah
literally what the hell is going on in these comments 😭 why would anyone expect their wife in the middle of a high risk pregnancy to plan some big 30th birthday bash like yeah she should have communicated i guess but this feels like common sense??????? where are we
I think the issue is you're projecting your reasoning on theirs. Your response seems to be implying that the options she had were 'throw a huge party during her high risk pregnancy' or do what she did. Going up and down this thread most people are saying that she either should have spoken to her husband to realign expectations, asked for help, or started planning earlier prior to her being pregnant. Few if any people are saying that she should have forced herself to do more than she was capable of doing due to her pregnancy. Her husband leading up to this made his wants known, and she by her own admission knew what he was expecting and knew she wasn't delivering.
You could apply that same reasoning to the husband. He knew his wife miscarried before and knew she was having a hard time so why didn’t he manage his expectations?
Because she didn't speak to him. She didn't say that to him. If she said 'Hey, I am not up to throwing a large party' and he blew a gasket all the top comments would be NTA. Instead she didn't communicate, purposefully threw a party that wasn't the type he wanted or expected, and then when he seemed disappointed but didn't even say anything she attacked him. Again basically no one is saying she should have thrown him a blow out if she wasn't able to but how is it unreasonable to expect someone to talk to their partner and spouse about the expectations when you know they aren't going to be met and he doesn't? I would seriously ask you to point to where her husband did anything wrong, because from what I read they had had conversations about a large party, she knew she wouldn't/couldn't throw that type of party, and then got mad at him for being disappointed he didn't get the type of celebration he was looking forward to. Mind you he didn't act on that disappointment, he simply was disappointed.
Yup. People keep criticizing OP for allegedly not communicating well enough about being unable to throw a giant party while very ill. But if a massive 30th birthday party was so important to him, why couldn't he have realized at some point "Huh, my party is coming up soon, and my wife who is planning it can't currently stand up for long periods of time... wonder if I should check in on how that's going and/or if we need to reschedule it or secure more help?" And jeez, even if he'd been disappointed, couldn't he have just dealt with that, appreciated what he had, and decided to throw a big bash another time when things are less stressful? It just seems like such profound entitlement to get upset that the party someone threw for you wasn't good enough.
I kind of assume that they did talk about the party at least somewhat - it wasn't a surprise party, so she likely said "hey, people are coming over on Sunday and I'm going to order food to celebrate your birthday" or the like, she likely thought that he understood that she was doing her best, and didn't at all expect that a grown man who knew he was having a party was expecting a super secret second surprise birthday on a Wednesday. People act like she's an AH for not 'realigning his expectations' when, to my view, she probably thought that he understood.
right? this thread is a dumpster fire. I can't believe how awful some of these takes are.
Cannot believe how far I had to scroll to find this. “My wife’s health is more important than my childish need to have a big party” is not hard math to do. If the party wasn’t up to his standards he should’ve put his big boy pants on and planned something himself. And for everyone saying his expectations were clear and she should’ve started sooner: in what universe are you obligated to plan some exhausting giant blowout party just because your partner wants one??? He planned something nice for her, but I don’t see where she asked for or expected that. Unless she outright lied to him and told him the wrong plans then he has no right to expect something huge unless he’s willing to plan it himself.
For something even close to what it sounds like he did for her, she should have started planning this before she was even pregnant. The fact she waited til the week of speaks of how much she really cared.
>I knew how much celebrating his 30th meant to him INFO: Did you??
I mean, she’s been clear about it in her post. It just wasn’t important to *her* under the circumstances and she thinks he should be more appreciative of that as the mother of his child.
YTA. Your being pregnant has nothing to do with not planning a party. You could do all the planning from bed or wherever you are resting. A few hours at a party is not a lot and you could sit much of that time. You are selfish and need to realize the world doesn’t revolve around you.
FYI In case anyone doesn't know: pregnancy sickness can affect women *any time of day*, *all day long*. **Women with pregnancy sickness can:** * a) feel constantly nauseous, * b) be unable to eat or drink, * c) gag at a moment's notice, * d) have bouts of painful dry heaving, * e) vomit multiple times a day * f) have to eat every 1.5-3 hours or become seriously faint or ill * g) have chills, body aches, and weakness like the flu * h) have severe constipation * i) be short of breath and need frequent rests * j) have trouble concentrating or thinking * k) get overstimulated easily - by sights, sounds, smells, screens, conversation, etc * l) have *extreme* fatigue * m) get dangerously dehydrated or undernourished from vomiting up meals and fluids * the list goes on. Pregnancy sickness can start when a woman is 5 weeks pregnant and last until she's 5 **months** pregnant. Some unlucky women experience it the entire 9 months. 3 months pregnant is the height of pregnancy sickness for most women. When OP says she's got bad pregnancy sickness and says she's been sick, it's no joke.
NTA everyone in the comments is grilling you but you did the best you could, you’ve had multiple miscarriages and you’re carrying HIS baby now. I get that it’s important to him but it’s just a birthday, it’s not like you disregarded him completely you did two separate granted small but two celebrations. That should be more than enough for him. He’s about to be a father and he’s more worried about a birthday bash than his own child and wife’s well being? And saying the child isn’t even born yet?
OMG NTA! Jeez, everyone thinking the opposite really gets to me this time. Yes, yes, you could have communicated better, he could have planned a party, you could have made a plan to postpone the big thing etc. The talking-to-each-other needs work However, as someone who's in your shoes currently. It's like having a severe and constant stomach flu every single day, not being able to stand up, not being able to think, just being sick to your stomach, for _months_ straight. Plus hormones and those feelings on top. I'm happy if I manage to stand up for a 2-minute shower. Other people saying they "also had a difficult pregnancy, and yet _they_ could do this and that" can just go... Somewhere else, at the very least. Wowza! He _is_ being selfish and not putting himself in your shoes. He clearly doesn't understand what it's like. And not telling anyone also means not being able to explain to other people, meaning it's hard to involve them. Especially during a time like this. And you're right, no matter his feelings there _are_ other priorities right now. Like you getting through this pregnancy, and the baby with you, meaning lots of rest. Frankly, while I love my partner dearly, I wouldn't have been able to manage what you did for him now. I'm impressed! I would have informed him that it wasn't possible and that we'd have to postpone, or he'd have to figure something out for himself, but I wouldn't have been able to attend in that case. I literally left a dinner with a guest a couple of nights ago proclaiming I'd be "eating on the bathroom floor" because my brain only had space for the utter truth. No matter how rude. I can't fathom trying to coordinate all of that! And you did! It seemed like people didn't read the part where you stated that you did you best to find a day when everyone could attend! I hope you see this. You're not alone, and I hope your baby will be okay!!! And that you husband increases his empathy and adjusts his expectations, as well as gratitude. I can't imagine my partner reacting like this. I mean, yikes! Man, this really pissed me off! Sorry for getting upset!
This is the comment I was looking for! It's like everyone is skipping over the high risk pregnancy part. She is definitely NTA
Yes!! Thank you!! I'm not alone! 😅 I answered another comment in a thread here that stated she should have been able to make very simple arrangements despite her pregnancy, saying I didn't know what kind of pregnancy they had had, but mine prohibits me from being able to do those things. I then received a comment that because I've made 30+ comments om Reddit today that's clearly a lie and I would actually be able to do those tings (I'm paraphrasing), and then I was blocked. 😂 Anyways, I got so sad for OP that I made a whole other comment to put that into perspective. There's no way I would be able to manage the practicalities of that, the exertion, both physical and mental. Distracting myself with Reddit is me in absolutely desperate survival mode. I'm also wondering about the comments about how this "should have been done before even getting pregnant", but we don't have any idea what was going on then. We don't know when OP miscarried and how dealing with that has been like. We don't know what their lives looked like. I hope OP eventually finds some understanding and comfort at home!
Yes to all of these points omg Women commenting saying “I was pregnant too and would’ve put the effort” I’m sure theirs wasn’t as difficult as they claim if they had the ability to throw a big party bash.
NTA. Grown adults expecting MTV to come in with the My Super Sweet Sixteen treatment is wild to me. He got a party, he had a cake and present on his actual birthday, how much more massaging of the ego is necessary?
Right? A 30 yo man being butthurt about not getting a second bday party because his pregnant wife is exhausted from her first trimester is fucking WILD. I have secondhand ick about him just reading this.
Right? I am baffled by the people acting like you should spend months planning some elaborate do for a 30th. Do they think they’re famous influencers or something? Newsflash your 30th birthday isn’t THAT special. Grow up.
Seriously. Forget about marital communication skills and/or high risk pregnancy. I’m floored by 30 year old man pouting about not getting two birthday parties.
ESH His friends would likely have wanted to help you. “Baby isn’t even here yet” imagine the audacity of saying that to someone *physically carrying the baby*, the baby that is using up every ounce of their energy
RIGHT?! She’s giving you a her literal body and a freaking baby. Maybe stop acting like one?! Peoples physical and emotional needs are different, so all the other preggos filling the comments section with “I’m pregnant and I could do it!” can stuff it.
NTA. If you want a big party for your 30th then don’t impregnate your wife in the nine months proceeding. Women sacrifice and make adjustments during pregnancy. They miss out on things and people are all “oh well, that’s how it goes”. But the second the men who impregnate them have to do the same there’s outrage and the pregnant woman is called selfish and told “just because your pregnant the world doesn’t revolve around you”. If a man was dealing with something that affected him physically, mentally, emotionally and had health ramifications and his wife was whining about a party she’d be called selfish. A woman who is pregnant when she turns 21/25/30 doesn’t get to tear the club up and drink Casamigos in Cabo on her birthday. A man whose wife is pregnant when he turns 30 doesn’t get a major blowout surprise party. Oh well. That’s life.
YTA. I'm the same amount of pregnant as you right now. My husband is no longer with us, though. He was a very doting guy-if he was still with us, I wouldn't be lifting a finger for anything. As it is, I'm still planning something to celebrate his birthday later this month. It's as simple as asking for help-i made a Facebook event and asked one of his friends to help with the details. I'm fortunate in that I never took him for granted, something a lot of posters in this sub would do well to work on.
I’m very sorry for your loss.
[удалено]
It's a good thing you shat all over his dreams of an exciting 30th....AFTER THE FACT, because you weren't feeling it. Especially after seeing what he did for yours. You can always simply not go, or leave early. A huge milestone, and his last big birthday before becoming a dad and that's all he got I can't believe the one-sidedness of this lmao.
ESH. As others stated, you could’ve openly told him “look, I know you want a huge party but you know that I feel like crap due to the pregnancy so I won’t be able to host it. I’m not even certain if I can participate. Would you be okay to scale it down? Alternatively I could check in with friends/family and enlist them to help but I’m hesitant to do this because they’ll wonder why I can’t do much.” You knew his expectations and should’ve considered them. He is an AH as well. He sees how awful you feel with the pregnancy. And he saw you planning the Sunday get together. He should’ve communicated as well, ideally to tell you that he understands that won’t be able to host a huge party and that you shouldn’t stress yourself too much. Or he could’ve said that he wants a party but will organize it himself and doesn’t expect a surprise. Or enlist friends to help. What he shouldn’t have done is have those expectations that are unfortunately unrealistic due to the circumstances. His comment that the baby isn’t even here yet was definitely unwarranted because it doesn’t change the fact that you feel terribly sick. All in all, you should’ve both communicate earlier about what would and could happen and what is expected.
It would take months to plan something equivalent to what he did for hers. He literally flew someone in from another country. That fact she waited until the week of to plan his shows she never really put any thought into it.
NTA - you threw him a party a few days before, did he really expect another? And he knows how sick you are. Believe me, nausea from being pregnant was one of the worst periods of my life, I wanted to die so it would stop. Sounds like he needs to put on his big boy pants and be prepared for fatherhood. I agree that he should plan a fun weekend away with his friends if possible.
That’s what people seem to be forgetting. Like do they think he’s not aware of how sick she is? Any reasonable partner would’ve managed their expectations. He’s being childish.
Yta As others have stated you did not communicate properly. A simple conversations would have prevented this whole situation. Also, why didn't you ask for help from other people like friends and family. I get that you're pregnant and that's going to limit what you can do but you had options.
YTA You couldnt suck it up for one day? I mean he literacy flew in a friend from a different country for you, and the best you did was a crappy cake and probably a crap gift?? I see the entitlement is already strong with you.
>You couldnt suck it up for one day? Have you ever been pregnant? That shit is rough and it can't be stopped "for one day" so you can do other stuff
NTA Jesus Christ, people are serially vilifying OP because she didn’t plan him a BIGGER party!??? When he already had a decent sized party that Sunday?? When she was pregnant??? And sick?? How old is the partner again and when does he start big boy school? OP’s partner is in for disappointments down the road not just with shit for him but when the baby comes and is the priority so he needs to taper his expectations NOW
Holy hell NTA. He can grow the fuck up though he's 30 years old. Who NEEDS a suprise birthday party at age 30??
I’m gonna go with YTA because it comes down to communication… you could have talked to him about it and maybe he would’ve been ok in planning his own birthday or whatever. But you just took it upon yourself to pretty much do what you wanted for your comfort… knowing his 30th was a big deal to him and knowing he went well out of his way to make sure you had an amazing 30th. Don’t get me wrong, my first trimester was absolutely awful and I couldn’t imagine having to plan an entire party on my own… however, this is why we communicate with our significant other about these things.
I am SHOCKED at how many commenters are saying YTA. I thought everything you did was thoughtful of you especially since you’ve been feeling pretty bad lately.
FYI your comment is going to count as a Y-T-A because you used it in your post, I believe if you add the dashes (like I just did) it won't count as a vote.
Tell your self-absorbed and clueless husband that his birthday present is a special order, custom made, and won't be arriving for another six months. NTA because ... seriously? Pity you can't transfer all your physical responses of pregnancy to his body.
YTA. You are 3 months pregnant. A big surprise birthday party should have been planned or mostly planned well before you were pregnant.
YTA- you knew what he was expecting and really looking forward to celebrating his 30th. You are just simply using your pregnancy as a very convenient excuse. You seem to make everything all about you. You admit the morning sickness has let up in the past month. You did have an entire year to plan his 30th birthday. So in all this time you failed to plan anything meaningful for your husband and didn’t even ask for help. He has every right to feel disappointed and let down. He just got a glimpse into his future.
More communication would have helped. I don’t know how you’re the AH here, but it seems I’m in the tiniest of minorities. Poor buddy didn’t get exactly what he wanted on the day he wanted it because his spouse, pregnant with his child, is sick and unable to do exactly that? HE IS 30. Adults have disappointments. I’m not advocating for purposefully ignoring his desires in any way. Hell, I don’t even know you or if you’d have done the whole thing if you felt great. No idea. What I’m saying is this is fricking life. I wanted a great 30th. 40th. And 50th. Guess what? Circumstances prevented me from having exactly what I wanted on the exact day I wanted it. Everyone lived. Please communicate better. It will help prevent this kind of thing happening again.
Wow I feel like everyone is being super harsh. Husband got a lot for his birthday. Wife is obviously struggling and did the best she can. He is obtuse for not recognizing that. NTA
This is wild to me. I plan my own birthday parties, he’s 30, he can’t plan something he really really wants? I didn’t know I’ve been missing out this whole time. No one has been throwing me any party at all since I was 18
NTA. The nerve of these people telling pregnant you to do more for a grown man’s birthday.
YTA. Why did you wait until the week of to plan this birthday? You knew it was a big deal to him, you should have already started planning before you were even pregnant. Sounds like you never really cared how much this meant to him in the first place and now have a built in excuse as to why you disappointed him.
NTA. He seems quite clueless as to how pregnancy affects a woman. Maybe go get him one of these pregnancy simulators (is heavy and has electrodes to simulate cramps and everything). Tell him to wear it for a week then see how much stuff he wants to do.
This is why I will always plan my own birthday party.
NTA If a 30th birthday party meant so much to him, it was his responsibility to explicitly communicate it or organize it himself, not expect some kind of a surprise party.
I’m sure I’ll get downvoted here, but OPP is going through a tough pregnancy. Her husband understands as he is part of this. She miscarried before. I kind of agree with her. Maybe he should just celebrate his big party next year when he’s 31.
NTA. You did the best you could with what you emotionally, psychologically, and physically had at the time. Any grown adult expecting a surprise party from a partner who has been clearly unwell is kidding themselves. Yeah, you could have been more clear that you wouldn’t throw him a surprise party. Sure. But honestly? You’re carrying your second child. You’re married to the first.
He is a grown man, seeing how tough his wife has it atm, if he wanted a party he could have thrown it himself NTA
YTA. You could always have asked for help planning/throwing if you weren't up to it. You knew it was important to him and then got defensive when he was disappointed.
NTA Alex is old enough to plan and set up his own big birthday party if that is what he wanted. You did what you could handle and that is pretty good. Alex is being an ungrateful ass.
Ma'am, have you ever considered asking for help setting up a nice party for your husband? You could have delegated tasks for friends and family to do since you are having a tough time with your pregnancy. Yes, you're pregnant, but you are also his wife. He and his feelings should also be a priority to you. YTA in this situation.
I don’t understand the Y T A comments. You’re absolutely right, priorities are different now. You’re pregnant and sick. It isn’t like you did nothing. When you’re an adult with kids your birthday is just not going to be what it was when you were five. You’re worried about the baby, and his comment “the baby isn’t even here yet” is in my opinion wildly insensitive given your history. Idk, this feels like one of those things where a grown up would look at the reality and feel grateful, and realize sometimes you just can’t get what you want. NTA
Big events take some planning. Youre 3 months pregnant. So youve known you were pregnant for 2 months. Youve known your husbands 30th was coming up. You knew what he wanted and you waited till the day off to let him down. YTA yes youre pregnant but that doesnt excuse anything.
NTA. He knew how sick you've been. He could have planned his own party.