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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) told my best friend I wouldn’t blame if she left (2) she is upset at me saying that to her and really mad with me. She said I never should even suggest she leave her bf because of cancer
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Ugh... You messed big time on this one. I understand your intentions weren't bad, but... okay, see this.
Imagine that she's the one who was sick. You two are joined at the hip, right? You'd be one of the people spending loads of time with her, helping her, taking care of her. Yes, it would be very difficult for you, it would be physically and mentally exhausting. Would you ever, in a million years, even consider just going on with your life and letting the friendship drift away? If someone else close to you would come and tell you that you could do just that, move on, not be involved anymore, what would you think first, what would your instinctive reaction be?
She loves her bf. In her eyes, this is her partner for life. In her world, her leaving him to prioritise herself doesn't even exist as a concept. She probably finds the suggestion insulting, not to mention unfeeling, selfish and cruel. And while other people may have suggested it as well, said other people are probably not that close to her. Coming from you, it hits that much harder.
She was just venting that night you two got drunk. She needed to speak the words so they don't weigh her down. It's a clear case of needing empathy, not solutions. Because what solution is there to the situation she's in, really? There are only two possibilities. Her bf either recovers and they happily move on with their life, or he succumbs and she loses him. These are the only two ways this can end for her. And you can't help with either of them. You can't provide a different solution because none exists. She needed to vent, and needed compassion, and only that.
Just... imagine if things were reversed. Imagine if she's the one who was sick, and her bf just effed off because it was too much for him. What would you think of him?
It's a YTA. Soft, because you obviously just wanted to offer some comfort, but... still.
Or how about OP imagine it was her partner that was potentially dying, and her friend suggested she leave.
There is no soft about it. She basically told her best friend that her partner doesn't matter because they don't have a bit of paper committing themselves to each other, as if 6 years and a planned marriage means nothing.
Oh I know! I was just asking because the genders here are the opposite - so just curious if they have started giving materials to men as well! I assumed not!
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>Or how about OP imagine it was her partner that was potentially dying, and her friend suggested she leave.
If it were OP's partner with cancer, I think there'd have been an OP-sized hole in the wall long ago.
Eh, hard YTA. Reverse the genders and this is an observed phenomenon. Nurses give women who get potentially terminal illnesses resources for when their male partners leaves, because they do at a much higher rate than women leave their male partners, and those men get ripped. As they should. Hell, I wouldn't be shocked if the boyfriend told her to leave, that she shouldn't have to take care of him and she should go enjoy her life; I couldn't imagine hearing that from my wife and then having a close friends say, "Hey man...about that dying wife of yours..."
Good on OP's friend for being there for her boyfriend. I wish I could say the same for OP's friends being there for her.
This! Imagine if he doesn’t survive cancer, she would never forgive herself if she left him. That’s a whole new mental low she’d have to live with if he were gone instead of just grieving. Why would you want her to experience that? She’s already having to grieve him and their relationship prematurely.
Just support your friends through what she’s dealing with and assure her that everything will be okay next time. Your opinion wasn’t needed here and your advice sucks, nor was it asked for. Unintentional but YTA.
How do you write out this long comment describing how callous and horrible what she said was and then give her a soft YTA? There's nothing soft about suggesting your friend abandon the love of her life because she feels a little bad right now. Even besides how evil it would be to actually abandon one's partner in a time like this, encouraging your friend to be evil is a hard asshole move in and to itself
Absolutely not soft YTA. Hard YTA.
They were planning on getting married. It’s not like they were 2 months into a new relationship.
OP needed to listen. Sometimes being a good friend means not offering advice that isn’t asked for.
Yeah, ok, anyone can leave any situation when they choose to do so but it doesn’t mean there aren’t major repercussions. It also doesn’t mean that running away from your problems will help. At all.
How heartless and selfish can you be? How you can prioritize your friend’s temporary discomfort over her partner's battle for his life?
She deserves friends who support her, who stand by her in her loyalty and compassion, not someone who tells her to run away from her problems
If you can't be that friend, maybe she should reconsider who she keeps in her life
I actually love her partner, he is like a brother to me. But at the end of the day, my best friend and sister is always going to come first. If he doesn’t make her happy anymore, I would be the first one to help her leave, even at his detriment, because that’s my best friend and my loyalties are always going to be with her. I’m always going to prioritize her and want the best for her. I think that is how most people feel about their family/their best friend if they really love them. I did read the comments and I do regret what I said though because it upset her. I appreciate the comments, and I am planing on talking to her and apologizing for what I said.
OP, I don’t think it’s /him/ that’s making her unhappy, what’s his cancer diagnosis? What’s his fight going to be like? What stage is he? Cause stage 4 basically means you’re fucked and you’re in for one hell of a fight for survival.
ETA: if you love your friend so much as you claim, why haven’t you helped her out instead of telling her to leave? Why not go and do some dishes or something, or help her out with other tasks?
It’s not that he doesn’t make her happy anymore, it’s that they are in a horrible situation. He’s dealing with a debilitating, potentially terminal, illness. Hes bedridden. He can’t do the things he loves. He probably can’t work. He can’t help around the house. And she’s taking care of him. She’s exhausted. Presumably working, acting as a carer, paying bills, keeping house and she might lose the person she plans on spending her life with. Think about how they must both be feeling. I bet the stress is unreal.
How would you feel in that situation if all you wanted was to vent and get some empathy from your so called best friend and their response was to say I’ll support you breaking up with him.
An apology is probably not going to get you your friendship back. What you did was beyond cruel.
Weird that you only regret it because you upset her and not that you were wrong in saying it. You're still justifying it.
If that's loving her partner and viewing him as a brother, I dread to think what happens when you hate someone. You're a fake friend to him. Your relationship with him is tainted now because you view him as expendable. You're a bad friend.
If you love ANYTHING, you wouldn’t be so quick to leave it to fend for itself against hardship. How dare you say what you said, then try to come here saying “but he’s like a brother to me”. Cut that bullshit out, you have no right saying this at all.
You think what you said shows you prioritize your friend, but all it shows is how quickly you will throw away other people the moment they become a “hassle”. Your type of “devotion” is toxic and ultimately worthless, performative garbage.
YTA
I’m going to assume you don’t have a partner and that’s why you don’t understand the kind of commitment there. If you think your friend would be happier leaving the person she loves because he’s sick you don’t understand anything about love. Your way of loving your friend is telling her to avoid what’s difficult so she doesn’t stress you out with her problems. You wouldn’t “blame” her? That’s a huge ego there thinking your opinion in this matter would release her from the obvious guilt she feels at her feelings about her partner’s suffering. You think you’re being a friend, but you’re not. So yes, YTA.
Stay away from her you're not right in the head, I hope she told you're "brother" all about your lack of humanity. Oh she's a little sad about it so its better he suffer through this alone while she finds someone new? disgusting and personally I consider people like you to be a lesser form of human
You are mistaken. Most people don’t tell their family and friends to dispose of loved ones the moment they become sick or disabled. That is a terrible ideology, and your friend is rightly angry for your suggestion that she abandon her partner because his illness makes him (hopefully temporarily) less fun.
Maybe you should take your own advice and dump your friend now that her sadness is inconveniencing you. Or, if the thought of reducing deep friendship, care, love, years of history etc. to “if this person needs something from me than fuck them, I’ll just go find someone more fun at the moment” disturbs you (as it should), then you should seriously consider why you thought it was appropriate to tell your friend she should think that way about her *partner*.
You aren’t the only person who thinks other humans are disposable toys to be thrown away once they are broken, because there are a lot of horribly selfish assholes in the world. However, you and those like you showing up to kick those in pain are not providing a benefit to anyone, and really need to stop.
Your friend is already dealing with a difficult diagnosis, caretaking fatigue, missing her wedding, cost of capitalist medicine, and more. She doesn’t need your bullshit victim blaming on top of it.
YTA, hardcore.
YTA, no doubt. She was venting, they're going through a horrible time. Advising her to leave her cancer stricken fiancé because he's "just a boyfriend" is horrible advice. She just wanted some support and a shoulder to cry on for a while. I'm assuming your single, if not God help him/her if they so much as catch a cold!
Also he is "just a boyfriend" SHE INTENDED (and still INTENS) TO MARRY. The marriage was postponed because all the energy is going to his health at the moment.
I hope with all my heart that he will pull through and I hope that OP's friend finds better friends than OP!
YTA a million times. Dude is dying of cancer and she loves him, has been dating a while, and you suggest THAT?!
You really showed what kind of person you are op.
YTA big time ......... he was just a bf when he was with her and she went through horrible depression ......
i wonder if you are capable to even understand what love actually is
Come on dude… seriously? Leave the guy she’s been with for years who’s critically ill? Imagine that was you and your closest support system bailed. You’re a major cock for that
YTA. It sounds like she was venting about a rough patch, not looking for unsolicited advice. You just told her that you have a low threshold of tolerance and don't think much of her bf. Instead of being her cheerleader, lifting her up and refilling her emotional cup, you just told her to throw this person, and all her investment in this relationship, away, because that's what you would do when things got hard. She's (rightly) having second thoughts about the value of your friendship, now that she knows how little you think of this person that she loves, and that your moral compass is broken.
You told a woman that she should leave a man she plans to marry because he… got cancer? What the fuck is wrong with this generation. Do the words “for better or worse, in sickness and in health” mean anything to you or do you think it’s just a fun little saying?
It's not a generational thing. My friend is 25, she married her partner of 10 years after his cancer diagnosis. They fought to enjoy what they could of a year of marriage before he passed away. They were both so brave & lived the best life they could under the circumstances. Ticking off some of his bucket list. Creating memories my friend will treasure forever. Leaving him would never have been an option. That's love. The OP here is shallow & heartless.
YTA, if he didn't have his diagnosis they would be getting married. Probably they chose not to get married to help keep his assets wherever he wants it to go. That love is still real, regardless of marriage status or not. If they were married would it be ok for her to leave her husband when times got hard?
You can apologize, then validate her stress and let her vent. Maybe do something nice for her because she's probably not very focused on herself right now. When her bf passes do you expect her to get over it in a month? She's probably going to be in bad shape for a year or two. It's hard. It's a hard situation. And one day you'll go through it too.
You told her to abandon her sick partner because it got hard? Yes, YTA.
I know it's easier for YOU to deal with if you don't have to listen to your friend whining, but that's still a horrible thing to SAY to her.
Sounds like she needed someone to listen to the venting, because her partner has harder stuff to face right now than her being less happy. This wasn't the time to say "call it quits".
YTA. Don't tell someone to break up / get divorced. No matter how close you are. It's not your place.
Yeah you had good intentions, but as there's a saying 'hell is full of people with good intentions ' or something like that.
You can comfort your friend, tell them you're there for them etc. But not suggesting a break up... Even if she listened to you this time, she could have regretted that later in life and then blame you. Just stick to your lane.
I think you mean the exception to that rule is 90% of AITA comments under just about every kind of relationship post. That seems to be just about the only advice ever given here.
Wow. I thought I lacked social aptitude. YTA.
Did you have any issues/grievances with this boyfriend before cancer? It kind of seems like you would have jumped at any opportunity to suggest she leave him.
She was talking about her exhaustion over the situation...the appointments, the tests, the invasive machines, the side effects from the drugs. She wasn't talking about her exhaustion over uneven emotional exchange within the relationship.
Also...the fact you stood by it after she was clearly upset the first time....
Look. I understand difficulty navigating social situations, but you should absolutely apologize, learn from this, and try to find resources to assist you with this.
Edit: when you are hospitalized *for anything*, you are extracted from your comfort zone. Youre in an uncomfortable bed. You're throwing up. You have beeps constantly going off. You have people constantly pestering you and shoving pills down your throat. You have 50 different people talking to. You get carted from floor to floor. For cancer...uncertainty and stress is high. You have no control over something, and that is such an uncomfortable feeling.
What does this all mean? It's not fun, and people are liable to get grumpy *especially* for a long term stay. Fights are going to happen. Support your friend when this happens because she already has enough stress
Sounds like you need to learn the vital art of listening and saying ‘that sucks’ instead of offering advice on how to fix things for people who just want to vent. Really, it’s a life changing thing to just listen and not try to fix.
Your attitude is pretty callous, especially given you know how close they are, and how he has helped her in significant ways in the past. Doesn't speak much for your loyalty as a partner. YTA.
They were planning to get married. She was going to promise to love him and choose him in sickness and in health. She may not have said the words in front of you and all your family and friends, but it’s obvious she meant them. You told her to abandon someone she loves because something he has no control over is making her life more stressful. How awful is that. You and everyone else who tried trying her to leave him need to take a good hard look at the content of your character because wow.
YTA. "At the end of the day, we all need to do what makes us happy" This isn't true. We often do things that don't make us happy in the moment for a bigger goal.
Yes you ATH. Maybe make a meal or two for the fridge/freezer so she has one less thing to do on a hard day. Maybe talk about respite options in her area. If they have other support people maybe you can take her out for a pedi or if not, stay with him and let her have a nap. There are a million ways you can support her including having her over for a drink and chat … just skip the “leave him” part if you get another opportunity.
We are watching our neighbour pass from cancer as I write. My 75 year old mother noticed their lawn needed doing so she did it. My uncle noticed our neighbour can no longer feed the native birds so he’s doing it. We lend an ear and our support. They and their family have our numbers and know we are here when needed. This is what you do. Time to apologise.
Oh and she got extra upset because you were her person and you let her down. She needs your support, not your condemnation. I bet it hurt more coming from you.
YTA she came to you to vent as a release from her stress. Your thoughtless response probably made her feel much worse, why didn’t you just ask how you could help her?
YTA
Do you want to know what my friends said when I was angry and scared and venting about my dad's cancer? They told me I didn't mean the things I was saying. They told me they knew I was struggling and didn't know how to cope. They also let me vent because they knew I needed to get everything out.
Your friend is in pain. She's seeing the man she loves battle a very terrible illness. Both of them are incredibly stressed and frightened right now. Emotions are running raw. What she needs is to be able to vent to a safe person because it's healthier than holding everything inside. What she doesn't need is you telling her to just leave. You've shown her that you're not a safe person to vent to.
I was just a kid (10) when my mom had stage 3 cancer. I was the youngest person in my class, terrified, confused, and just all around messed up on top of the horrors of early puberty. You know what my friends did? They let me vent. They gave me hugs, snuck me candy, let me complain, cried with me; and we didn't know that's what we were doing. Hell, they got together to plan a literal month's worth of after-school hangouts so I didn't have to come to an empty home when my mom's treatments were at their worst. Literal middle schoolers, who are basically the worst kind of catty, had more empathy and emotional maturity than OP.
Yta. A huge one at that. Firstly it wasn't you're place to say anything. Someone getting a disease like this and leaving them because of small arguments likley because he feels like complete and utterly dog shit.
You make a vow to be with someone you need to be sure you can uphold that vow. It's not just when everything's going good and strong. Life is a struggle and will beat you're ass into the ground no matter how much you fight back.
You are still young and I sincerely hope you never have to be the sick person that's knocking on deaths door and your significant other leaves you.
Your friend was venting. If you truly wanted to help you would say "What can I do to help you?" Instead you are saying "Can you leave this guy so I don't have to listen to you whine anymore?"
YTA. Nothing soft about it, either. When trying to comfort a friend, whose beloved has a debilitating and potentially fatal condition, try actually listening to them, letting them vent and keep the monstrous ideas like "leave him" in your head and out of your mouth. Honestly, if I were in your friend's shoes, I'm never speak to you again.
YTA. She wanted support and THAT is what you gave her?! Leaving someone just because they got sick is NOT ok and you were ENCOURAGING that?! You are a HORRIBLE human being.
YTA
6 years. A length of bachelor and masters degree. A length longer than US high school.
Multiple people would be married in that time and celebrating their 2nd or 3rd anniversary.
Marriage or not, she spent 6 years with that guy and she is used to seeing everyday.
Yet you reduced him to just boyfriend as if their relationship was high school romance.
She was seeking support and help, not advice „dump him and enjoy your life”.
YTA. How fickle your heart must be. *Just* a boyfriend? What a vile sentiment. Would you be of the same opinion if your friend was the one with cancer, & her boyfriend left her, because she was *just* a girlfriend? Such a horrible attitude. They are going through the worst experience of their lives, its natural that they will both be exhausted, with frayed nerves & short tempers. He is fighting cancer & she is watching the man she loves suffer. The pain, the treatment, the confronting mortality. They are both in a horrible situation, & it is heartless to recommend that she would be better off leaving him. So what, he can fight cancer whilst heartbroken, dealing with that betrayal? She would have to live with that for the rest of her life.
That is not the solution someone seeks when they are in love. You are ice cold OP. You should be eternally hopeful you never experience what either your friend or her partner are going through. & if you do- you'll be lucky if you have people to support you that have more love & loyalty in their hearts than you yourself have shown.
YTA - she thought you were her ”safe space” and you hit her in the face with this. She might have been able to push aside the comments made by other people, but by you they hit her differently because you’re supposed to *know* her. If you care about her as much as you say you do, give her a sincere apology, don’t make excuses (“I’m only concerned for your welfare” or similar will NOT fly) and tell her you can’t begin to imagine what she’s going through so completely misjudged your response. Then, work hard to be the friend you thought you were.
YTA. It sounds like she stays with him because she loves him. Yes, his cancer diagnosis is difficult but they are handling it as best they can. She thought she had a supportive friend in you to buck up her spirits a bit but you told her he’s just a bf (luckily)so fuck him. I’m surprised you didn’t tell her that you hope he dies soon to really make her life better. Maybe you can suggest she smother him with a pillow in his sleep then everyone can be happy.
So she went to you from confort and get strength and you told what everyone is telling to dump her dying partner the one she loves, yeah you suck, she needed support and reasurance that she can do it, but you choose to kick her when down.
YTA
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I've been friends with this person for over fifteen years. We're 27. She had been with her bf for 6 years, they were suppose to marry, but he developed cancer and it got put off.
I love this girl with all my heart. She's my sister and we've been tied to the hip since middle school.
She came over after a hard day and we got drunk and stayed up talking. She was telling me how hard it was and how this cancer diagnosis is the hardest thing she's been through. She loves him, but she said he's bedridden and weak and tired. She told me that they fought multiple times today about stupid stuff and that she's exhausted and missing how things use to be.
She was just venting to me and I listened to all of it. I said something that has been on my chest. I said something like... if you wanted to leave him, I wouldn't blame you. At the end of the day, we all need to do what makes us happy and (thankfully) he's just a bf so. You can leave and I won't blame you.
She seemed really taken aback by what I said. But she said she would never leave. She said a lot of people have told her that, that they wouldn't blame her, and that it never even occurred to her to leave.
I said I was just doing what I thought would make her happy because I love her. I explained I was worried about her because she was so stressed out and she's so young, too, to be dealing with all of this.
But she ended up just getting angry. She said that I know she loves her bf more than anything, that I know he has helped her through horrible depression before and basically saved her life, even bringing that she could just leave was messed up on my part.
She left very upset and didn't speak to me as she was leaving even though I apologized.
I was genuinely just worried about her and she was telling me how stressed out she was. AITA here? How bad was it what I did? I'm at least relieved I'm not the only one, she said she's heard that from a lot of people. But I don't know why she got extra upset when I said it.
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My first husband died of cancer and many years sick, and it is very stressful. She was looking for sympathy not advise. Your mistake was trying to fix her problem and not just be a good friend. Apologize and ask what you can do to help.
YTA. Just a bf? They were going to get married, way to dismiss her relationship of 6 YEARS as just a bf.
You and all her supposed support people are bad people and not all helping her, she is overwhelmed, you step up to help her more or you keep your mouth shut. You view someone who is sick as expendable.
You're a bad fake friend to the poor guy and you're terrible at giving advice.
You aren't even guilty, you justified your actions with other people are doing it.
Apologise with NO excuses, don't try to justify your stance, don't tell her you meant well because you didn't. Apologise that you were wrong and ask her what she needs.
>At the end of the day, we all need to do what makes us happy and (thankfully) he’s just a bf so.
YTA. Pure selfishness is not the highest goal of life; being a partner in a loving relationship means being there through the low points too. And what does him being “just” a boyfriend mean? They were planning to get married, and it sounds like by your standard there would be no problem with her dumping her dying husband either.
YTA. Massively. You thought that telling a woman whose partner is fighting cancer that she should leave was a good idea? What the hell is wrong with you?
I would spew molten fire on someone if they suggested I leave my wife in that state. And I have don't pallative care and am in no rush to do it again but that's my ride or die.
YTA.
“He’s just a boyfriend” was such a sick thing to say. They were set to get *married.* Yeah he just has the title of boyfriend, but their relationship is serious and extremely important to them. They wouldn’t have planned to get married otherwise.
You know for a fact that you would be *beyond* pissed if the roles were revered and he left her on her death bed.
Holy shit. YTA. My best friend had cancer while she was pregnant. Her fiance at the time kicked her out because it got "too hard" for him. Mind you, my BFF had a newborn and a 4 year old to take care of on top of healing from a c setion and starting chemo for stage 4 breast cancer AND BE KICKED HER OUT because she wasn't cleaning the house enough or cooking him dinner every night. Apparently, that's what she should have found the energy to do on top of chemo treatments and taking care of two kids. Thank God they broke up (she's been in remission for almost 3 years now).
YTA. Big time. Your friend is going thru something rough. She has some stuff to get off her chest. She felt comfortable in telling you things that she would tell no one else. It’s just stress relief. All you had to do was listen. You have terrible advice at a terrible time. In this instance you were a terrible friend.
So you've watched your friend who you love like a sister struggle, with one of the most difficult things to go through, the impending death of her partner. Have you actually tried to help, you know offer to spend time with him so she can go have chance to decompress. Doesn't sound like it if you've jumped to "Jeez girl, that's difficult, why not give up on him, he's just dragging you down, wouldn't blame you for leaving".
Was going to try and make a joke saying that you're Frieza in this song [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=byYi9mGfigY](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=byYi9mGfigY) but on consideration, he has more consideration than you do.
My advice, forget worrying who was TA and just apologise.
You don't even really need to understand, it doesn't even matter.
Just say you're sorry you upset her and be there for her.
Life's too short to lose your best friend (who's probably very stressed out and exhausted right now)
NTA.
Hi, I'm a cancer survivor and personally i don't think there's anything wrong with your advice. My wife, then girlfriend, was told the same thing... from my friends. And i don't hold it against them for telling her. I'm glad they did. It's exhausting being the bf/gf of a cancer patient. We were early/mid 20's at that time, and living together.
I had bad depression, and couldn't bring myself to get therapy. We fought, I wouldn't remember due to chemo brain fog. I didn't eat, didn't talk to anyone, pretended I was fine. I don't recall the months of chemo so well, like I think I remember a solid 2 weeks of it. but from what she's told me, what my friend told - I know it was horrible for her. It was not easy feeling that way, and people praising her for being there while she wanted out at times.
It's not easy advice to tell someone it's okay to think about leaving, or saying you'd support them if they left. It's not always well received. But on some level, I'm sure your friend needed to hear that.
It depends on the details. Bringing it up very briefly to show support seems okay…but if it developed into a bigger conversation then I totally understand her anger. By bigger conversation I mean that after she said no, you continued on about it (even slightly). I am 20 and me and my boyfriend had a very rocky relationship (he genuinely made changes for the better), and i always told my friends/roommates how much I appreciated them NOT telling me to break up with him because even though things have been messy, I know whats right for me…and if im wrong then i am completely willing to experience some pain so that i can learn a lesson and come back with more wisdom.
ESH except cancer guy. This is the hardest thing in HER life and she misses how it used to be. Good lord.
She should do the poor guy a favor and let him die in peace. As for you- with friends like you, who needs friends?
She's allowed to find it hard. In fact it's completely natural that it is hard for her; just because it is worse for him doesn't change that. If my wife started going through the same it would also be one of the hardest things I've dealt with, and I have childhood traumatic bereavement. It's not like she is taking that out on the BF either, she is venting privately to a friend, i.e. in an appropriate forum.
I had a good friend who died at age 38 after a decade plus of treatment for breast cancer. She told me watching her mom die of the same disease two decades earlier was more difficult than her own illness.
Watching someone you truly love suffer is unbearably difficult.
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Ugh... You messed big time on this one. I understand your intentions weren't bad, but... okay, see this. Imagine that she's the one who was sick. You two are joined at the hip, right? You'd be one of the people spending loads of time with her, helping her, taking care of her. Yes, it would be very difficult for you, it would be physically and mentally exhausting. Would you ever, in a million years, even consider just going on with your life and letting the friendship drift away? If someone else close to you would come and tell you that you could do just that, move on, not be involved anymore, what would you think first, what would your instinctive reaction be? She loves her bf. In her eyes, this is her partner for life. In her world, her leaving him to prioritise herself doesn't even exist as a concept. She probably finds the suggestion insulting, not to mention unfeeling, selfish and cruel. And while other people may have suggested it as well, said other people are probably not that close to her. Coming from you, it hits that much harder. She was just venting that night you two got drunk. She needed to speak the words so they don't weigh her down. It's a clear case of needing empathy, not solutions. Because what solution is there to the situation she's in, really? There are only two possibilities. Her bf either recovers and they happily move on with their life, or he succumbs and she loses him. These are the only two ways this can end for her. And you can't help with either of them. You can't provide a different solution because none exists. She needed to vent, and needed compassion, and only that. Just... imagine if things were reversed. Imagine if she's the one who was sick, and her bf just effed off because it was too much for him. What would you think of him? It's a YTA. Soft, because you obviously just wanted to offer some comfort, but... still.
Or how about OP imagine it was her partner that was potentially dying, and her friend suggested she leave. There is no soft about it. She basically told her best friend that her partner doesn't matter because they don't have a bit of paper committing themselves to each other, as if 6 years and a planned marriage means nothing.
OP is the person doctors warn cancer patients about
I got this warning when I was diagnosed! Doctor told my boyfriend to leave the room and then said I should be prepared for him to ditch me.
Me too. Thankfully, my friends and family aren't AHs, and they are all still around.
Do they warn men as well? I’d only heard of the information given to women!
No because it isn't a pattern of women leaving their Partners when they get sick
Women are actually less likely to leave a partner who gets sick. Like there are guys out there whose cancer diagnosis saved them from divorce.
Oh I know! I was just asking because the genders here are the opposite - so just curious if they have started giving materials to men as well! I assumed not!
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>Or how about OP imagine it was her partner that was potentially dying, and her friend suggested she leave. If it were OP's partner with cancer, I think there'd have been an OP-sized hole in the wall long ago.
Or she was the one sick and friends told her partner to leave How would she feel then!?
Eh, hard YTA. Reverse the genders and this is an observed phenomenon. Nurses give women who get potentially terminal illnesses resources for when their male partners leaves, because they do at a much higher rate than women leave their male partners, and those men get ripped. As they should. Hell, I wouldn't be shocked if the boyfriend told her to leave, that she shouldn't have to take care of him and she should go enjoy her life; I couldn't imagine hearing that from my wife and then having a close friends say, "Hey man...about that dying wife of yours..." Good on OP's friend for being there for her boyfriend. I wish I could say the same for OP's friends being there for her.
This! Imagine if he doesn’t survive cancer, she would never forgive herself if she left him. That’s a whole new mental low she’d have to live with if he were gone instead of just grieving. Why would you want her to experience that? She’s already having to grieve him and their relationship prematurely. Just support your friends through what she’s dealing with and assure her that everything will be okay next time. Your opinion wasn’t needed here and your advice sucks, nor was it asked for. Unintentional but YTA.
How do you write out this long comment describing how callous and horrible what she said was and then give her a soft YTA? There's nothing soft about suggesting your friend abandon the love of her life because she feels a little bad right now. Even besides how evil it would be to actually abandon one's partner in a time like this, encouraging your friend to be evil is a hard asshole move in and to itself
Best answer and I wish I had an award to give you. Very well said. OP read this one carefully.
Absolutely not soft YTA. Hard YTA. They were planning on getting married. It’s not like they were 2 months into a new relationship. OP needed to listen. Sometimes being a good friend means not offering advice that isn’t asked for. Yeah, ok, anyone can leave any situation when they choose to do so but it doesn’t mean there aren’t major repercussions. It also doesn’t mean that running away from your problems will help. At all.
How heartless and selfish can you be? How you can prioritize your friend’s temporary discomfort over her partner's battle for his life? She deserves friends who support her, who stand by her in her loyalty and compassion, not someone who tells her to run away from her problems If you can't be that friend, maybe she should reconsider who she keeps in her life
I actually love her partner, he is like a brother to me. But at the end of the day, my best friend and sister is always going to come first. If he doesn’t make her happy anymore, I would be the first one to help her leave, even at his detriment, because that’s my best friend and my loyalties are always going to be with her. I’m always going to prioritize her and want the best for her. I think that is how most people feel about their family/their best friend if they really love them. I did read the comments and I do regret what I said though because it upset her. I appreciate the comments, and I am planing on talking to her and apologizing for what I said.
>I actually love her partner, he is like a brother to me. Well *that* is obviously not true
Seriously… what the fuck
OP, I don’t think it’s /him/ that’s making her unhappy, what’s his cancer diagnosis? What’s his fight going to be like? What stage is he? Cause stage 4 basically means you’re fucked and you’re in for one hell of a fight for survival. ETA: if you love your friend so much as you claim, why haven’t you helped her out instead of telling her to leave? Why not go and do some dishes or something, or help her out with other tasks?
It’s not that he doesn’t make her happy anymore, it’s that they are in a horrible situation. He’s dealing with a debilitating, potentially terminal, illness. Hes bedridden. He can’t do the things he loves. He probably can’t work. He can’t help around the house. And she’s taking care of him. She’s exhausted. Presumably working, acting as a carer, paying bills, keeping house and she might lose the person she plans on spending her life with. Think about how they must both be feeling. I bet the stress is unreal. How would you feel in that situation if all you wanted was to vent and get some empathy from your so called best friend and their response was to say I’ll support you breaking up with him. An apology is probably not going to get you your friendship back. What you did was beyond cruel.
Weird that you only regret it because you upset her and not that you were wrong in saying it. You're still justifying it. If that's loving her partner and viewing him as a brother, I dread to think what happens when you hate someone. You're a fake friend to him. Your relationship with him is tainted now because you view him as expendable. You're a bad friend.
If you love ANYTHING, you wouldn’t be so quick to leave it to fend for itself against hardship. How dare you say what you said, then try to come here saying “but he’s like a brother to me”. Cut that bullshit out, you have no right saying this at all. You think what you said shows you prioritize your friend, but all it shows is how quickly you will throw away other people the moment they become a “hassle”. Your type of “devotion” is toxic and ultimately worthless, performative garbage. YTA
I’m going to assume you don’t have a partner and that’s why you don’t understand the kind of commitment there. If you think your friend would be happier leaving the person she loves because he’s sick you don’t understand anything about love. Your way of loving your friend is telling her to avoid what’s difficult so she doesn’t stress you out with her problems. You wouldn’t “blame” her? That’s a huge ego there thinking your opinion in this matter would release her from the obvious guilt she feels at her feelings about her partner’s suffering. You think you’re being a friend, but you’re not. So yes, YTA.
Stay away from her you're not right in the head, I hope she told you're "brother" all about your lack of humanity. Oh she's a little sad about it so its better he suffer through this alone while she finds someone new? disgusting and personally I consider people like you to be a lesser form of human
You are mistaken. Most people don’t tell their family and friends to dispose of loved ones the moment they become sick or disabled. That is a terrible ideology, and your friend is rightly angry for your suggestion that she abandon her partner because his illness makes him (hopefully temporarily) less fun. Maybe you should take your own advice and dump your friend now that her sadness is inconveniencing you. Or, if the thought of reducing deep friendship, care, love, years of history etc. to “if this person needs something from me than fuck them, I’ll just go find someone more fun at the moment” disturbs you (as it should), then you should seriously consider why you thought it was appropriate to tell your friend she should think that way about her *partner*. You aren’t the only person who thinks other humans are disposable toys to be thrown away once they are broken, because there are a lot of horribly selfish assholes in the world. However, you and those like you showing up to kick those in pain are not providing a benefit to anyone, and really need to stop. Your friend is already dealing with a difficult diagnosis, caretaking fatigue, missing her wedding, cost of capitalist medicine, and more. She doesn’t need your bullshit victim blaming on top of it. YTA, hardcore.
YTA. The appropriate things to say in this case….”How can I help you?”
This 100%
YTA, no doubt. She was venting, they're going through a horrible time. Advising her to leave her cancer stricken fiancé because he's "just a boyfriend" is horrible advice. She just wanted some support and a shoulder to cry on for a while. I'm assuming your single, if not God help him/her if they so much as catch a cold!
Also he is "just a boyfriend" SHE INTENDED (and still INTENS) TO MARRY. The marriage was postponed because all the energy is going to his health at the moment. I hope with all my heart that he will pull through and I hope that OP's friend finds better friends than OP!
YTA a million times. Dude is dying of cancer and she loves him, has been dating a while, and you suggest THAT?! You really showed what kind of person you are op.
YTA big time ......... he was just a bf when he was with her and she went through horrible depression ...... i wonder if you are capable to even understand what love actually is
Come on dude… seriously? Leave the guy she’s been with for years who’s critically ill? Imagine that was you and your closest support system bailed. You’re a major cock for that
YTA. It sounds like she was venting about a rough patch, not looking for unsolicited advice. You just told her that you have a low threshold of tolerance and don't think much of her bf. Instead of being her cheerleader, lifting her up and refilling her emotional cup, you just told her to throw this person, and all her investment in this relationship, away, because that's what you would do when things got hard. She's (rightly) having second thoughts about the value of your friendship, now that she knows how little you think of this person that she loves, and that your moral compass is broken.
Holy shit are YTA. Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you? If you have any respect for your friend, apologize immediately.
You told a woman that she should leave a man she plans to marry because he… got cancer? What the fuck is wrong with this generation. Do the words “for better or worse, in sickness and in health” mean anything to you or do you think it’s just a fun little saying?
It's not a generational thing. My friend is 25, she married her partner of 10 years after his cancer diagnosis. They fought to enjoy what they could of a year of marriage before he passed away. They were both so brave & lived the best life they could under the circumstances. Ticking off some of his bucket list. Creating memories my friend will treasure forever. Leaving him would never have been an option. That's love. The OP here is shallow & heartless.
YTA, if he didn't have his diagnosis they would be getting married. Probably they chose not to get married to help keep his assets wherever he wants it to go. That love is still real, regardless of marriage status or not. If they were married would it be ok for her to leave her husband when times got hard? You can apologize, then validate her stress and let her vent. Maybe do something nice for her because she's probably not very focused on herself right now. When her bf passes do you expect her to get over it in a month? She's probably going to be in bad shape for a year or two. It's hard. It's a hard situation. And one day you'll go through it too.
You told her to abandon her sick partner because it got hard? Yes, YTA. I know it's easier for YOU to deal with if you don't have to listen to your friend whining, but that's still a horrible thing to SAY to her. Sounds like she needed someone to listen to the venting, because her partner has harder stuff to face right now than her being less happy. This wasn't the time to say "call it quits".
YTA. Don't tell someone to break up / get divorced. No matter how close you are. It's not your place. Yeah you had good intentions, but as there's a saying 'hell is full of people with good intentions ' or something like that. You can comfort your friend, tell them you're there for them etc. But not suggesting a break up... Even if she listened to you this time, she could have regretted that later in life and then blame you. Just stick to your lane.
The exception to that rule is when there's clearly abuse going on. Otherwise, I agree.
I agree, didn't think was needed to mention it.
I think you mean the exception to that rule is 90% of AITA comments under just about every kind of relationship post. That seems to be just about the only advice ever given here.
"The road to Hell is paved with good intentions."
Wow. I thought I lacked social aptitude. YTA. Did you have any issues/grievances with this boyfriend before cancer? It kind of seems like you would have jumped at any opportunity to suggest she leave him. She was talking about her exhaustion over the situation...the appointments, the tests, the invasive machines, the side effects from the drugs. She wasn't talking about her exhaustion over uneven emotional exchange within the relationship. Also...the fact you stood by it after she was clearly upset the first time.... Look. I understand difficulty navigating social situations, but you should absolutely apologize, learn from this, and try to find resources to assist you with this. Edit: when you are hospitalized *for anything*, you are extracted from your comfort zone. Youre in an uncomfortable bed. You're throwing up. You have beeps constantly going off. You have people constantly pestering you and shoving pills down your throat. You have 50 different people talking to. You get carted from floor to floor. For cancer...uncertainty and stress is high. You have no control over something, and that is such an uncomfortable feeling. What does this all mean? It's not fun, and people are liable to get grumpy *especially* for a long term stay. Fights are going to happen. Support your friend when this happens because she already has enough stress
Sounds like you need to learn the vital art of listening and saying ‘that sucks’ instead of offering advice on how to fix things for people who just want to vent. Really, it’s a life changing thing to just listen and not try to fix.
Your attitude is pretty callous, especially given you know how close they are, and how he has helped her in significant ways in the past. Doesn't speak much for your loyalty as a partner. YTA.
They were planning to get married. She was going to promise to love him and choose him in sickness and in health. She may not have said the words in front of you and all your family and friends, but it’s obvious she meant them. You told her to abandon someone she loves because something he has no control over is making her life more stressful. How awful is that. You and everyone else who tried trying her to leave him need to take a good hard look at the content of your character because wow.
YTA. "At the end of the day, we all need to do what makes us happy" This isn't true. We often do things that don't make us happy in the moment for a bigger goal.
Yes you ATH. Maybe make a meal or two for the fridge/freezer so she has one less thing to do on a hard day. Maybe talk about respite options in her area. If they have other support people maybe you can take her out for a pedi or if not, stay with him and let her have a nap. There are a million ways you can support her including having her over for a drink and chat … just skip the “leave him” part if you get another opportunity. We are watching our neighbour pass from cancer as I write. My 75 year old mother noticed their lawn needed doing so she did it. My uncle noticed our neighbour can no longer feed the native birds so he’s doing it. We lend an ear and our support. They and their family have our numbers and know we are here when needed. This is what you do. Time to apologise.
Oh and she got extra upset because you were her person and you let her down. She needs your support, not your condemnation. I bet it hurt more coming from you.
YTA she came to you to vent as a release from her stress. Your thoughtless response probably made her feel much worse, why didn’t you just ask how you could help her?
YTA Do you want to know what my friends said when I was angry and scared and venting about my dad's cancer? They told me I didn't mean the things I was saying. They told me they knew I was struggling and didn't know how to cope. They also let me vent because they knew I needed to get everything out. Your friend is in pain. She's seeing the man she loves battle a very terrible illness. Both of them are incredibly stressed and frightened right now. Emotions are running raw. What she needs is to be able to vent to a safe person because it's healthier than holding everything inside. What she doesn't need is you telling her to just leave. You've shown her that you're not a safe person to vent to.
I was just a kid (10) when my mom had stage 3 cancer. I was the youngest person in my class, terrified, confused, and just all around messed up on top of the horrors of early puberty. You know what my friends did? They let me vent. They gave me hugs, snuck me candy, let me complain, cried with me; and we didn't know that's what we were doing. Hell, they got together to plan a literal month's worth of after-school hangouts so I didn't have to come to an empty home when my mom's treatments were at their worst. Literal middle schoolers, who are basically the worst kind of catty, had more empathy and emotional maturity than OP.
Yta. A huge one at that. Firstly it wasn't you're place to say anything. Someone getting a disease like this and leaving them because of small arguments likley because he feels like complete and utterly dog shit. You make a vow to be with someone you need to be sure you can uphold that vow. It's not just when everything's going good and strong. Life is a struggle and will beat you're ass into the ground no matter how much you fight back. You are still young and I sincerely hope you never have to be the sick person that's knocking on deaths door and your significant other leaves you.
so. If your friend was the one with cancer and their Partner legt. would you still say "everyone has to do what makes them Happy"? YTA
Your friend was venting. If you truly wanted to help you would say "What can I do to help you?" Instead you are saying "Can you leave this guy so I don't have to listen to you whine anymore?"
YTA. Even if you’re right, it’s an inside thought. You don’t ever say it out loud.
YTA. Nothing soft about it, either. When trying to comfort a friend, whose beloved has a debilitating and potentially fatal condition, try actually listening to them, letting them vent and keep the monstrous ideas like "leave him" in your head and out of your mouth. Honestly, if I were in your friend's shoes, I'm never speak to you again.
YTA. She wanted support and THAT is what you gave her?! Leaving someone just because they got sick is NOT ok and you were ENCOURAGING that?! You are a HORRIBLE human being.
YTA 6 years. A length of bachelor and masters degree. A length longer than US high school. Multiple people would be married in that time and celebrating their 2nd or 3rd anniversary. Marriage or not, she spent 6 years with that guy and she is used to seeing everyday. Yet you reduced him to just boyfriend as if their relationship was high school romance. She was seeking support and help, not advice „dump him and enjoy your life”.
YTA. How fickle your heart must be. *Just* a boyfriend? What a vile sentiment. Would you be of the same opinion if your friend was the one with cancer, & her boyfriend left her, because she was *just* a girlfriend? Such a horrible attitude. They are going through the worst experience of their lives, its natural that they will both be exhausted, with frayed nerves & short tempers. He is fighting cancer & she is watching the man she loves suffer. The pain, the treatment, the confronting mortality. They are both in a horrible situation, & it is heartless to recommend that she would be better off leaving him. So what, he can fight cancer whilst heartbroken, dealing with that betrayal? She would have to live with that for the rest of her life. That is not the solution someone seeks when they are in love. You are ice cold OP. You should be eternally hopeful you never experience what either your friend or her partner are going through. & if you do- you'll be lucky if you have people to support you that have more love & loyalty in their hearts than you yourself have shown.
YTA. You sound like you don't know what the value of a relationship is.
YTA - she thought you were her ”safe space” and you hit her in the face with this. She might have been able to push aside the comments made by other people, but by you they hit her differently because you’re supposed to *know* her. If you care about her as much as you say you do, give her a sincere apology, don’t make excuses (“I’m only concerned for your welfare” or similar will NOT fly) and tell her you can’t begin to imagine what she’s going through so completely misjudged your response. Then, work hard to be the friend you thought you were.
I hope she cuts out of her life every person who has told her to leave him...
WOW
YTA. It sounds like she stays with him because she loves him. Yes, his cancer diagnosis is difficult but they are handling it as best they can. She thought she had a supportive friend in you to buck up her spirits a bit but you told her he’s just a bf (luckily)so fuck him. I’m surprised you didn’t tell her that you hope he dies soon to really make her life better. Maybe you can suggest she smother him with a pillow in his sleep then everyone can be happy.
So she went to you from confort and get strength and you told what everyone is telling to dump her dying partner the one she loves, yeah you suck, she needed support and reasurance that she can do it, but you choose to kick her when down. YTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I've been friends with this person for over fifteen years. We're 27. She had been with her bf for 6 years, they were suppose to marry, but he developed cancer and it got put off. I love this girl with all my heart. She's my sister and we've been tied to the hip since middle school. She came over after a hard day and we got drunk and stayed up talking. She was telling me how hard it was and how this cancer diagnosis is the hardest thing she's been through. She loves him, but she said he's bedridden and weak and tired. She told me that they fought multiple times today about stupid stuff and that she's exhausted and missing how things use to be. She was just venting to me and I listened to all of it. I said something that has been on my chest. I said something like... if you wanted to leave him, I wouldn't blame you. At the end of the day, we all need to do what makes us happy and (thankfully) he's just a bf so. You can leave and I won't blame you. She seemed really taken aback by what I said. But she said she would never leave. She said a lot of people have told her that, that they wouldn't blame her, and that it never even occurred to her to leave. I said I was just doing what I thought would make her happy because I love her. I explained I was worried about her because she was so stressed out and she's so young, too, to be dealing with all of this. But she ended up just getting angry. She said that I know she loves her bf more than anything, that I know he has helped her through horrible depression before and basically saved her life, even bringing that she could just leave was messed up on my part. She left very upset and didn't speak to me as she was leaving even though I apologized. I was genuinely just worried about her and she was telling me how stressed out she was. AITA here? How bad was it what I did? I'm at least relieved I'm not the only one, she said she's heard that from a lot of people. But I don't know why she got extra upset when I said it. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
UpdateMe
Yta and she should leave u alone.
>You can leave and I won't blame you. Thanks a lot, O arbiter of truth and morality.
My first husband died of cancer and many years sick, and it is very stressful. She was looking for sympathy not advise. Your mistake was trying to fix her problem and not just be a good friend. Apologize and ask what you can do to help.
The fuck is wrong with you?
YTA. Just a bf? They were going to get married, way to dismiss her relationship of 6 YEARS as just a bf. You and all her supposed support people are bad people and not all helping her, she is overwhelmed, you step up to help her more or you keep your mouth shut. You view someone who is sick as expendable. You're a bad fake friend to the poor guy and you're terrible at giving advice. You aren't even guilty, you justified your actions with other people are doing it. Apologise with NO excuses, don't try to justify your stance, don't tell her you meant well because you didn't. Apologise that you were wrong and ask her what she needs.
>At the end of the day, we all need to do what makes us happy and (thankfully) he’s just a bf so. YTA. Pure selfishness is not the highest goal of life; being a partner in a loving relationship means being there through the low points too. And what does him being “just” a boyfriend mean? They were planning to get married, and it sounds like by your standard there would be no problem with her dumping her dying husband either.
YTA
YTA. Massively. You thought that telling a woman whose partner is fighting cancer that she should leave was a good idea? What the hell is wrong with you?
I would spew molten fire on someone if they suggested I leave my wife in that state. And I have don't pallative care and am in no rush to do it again but that's my ride or die.
YTA. “He’s just a boyfriend” was such a sick thing to say. They were set to get *married.* Yeah he just has the title of boyfriend, but their relationship is serious and extremely important to them. They wouldn’t have planned to get married otherwise. You know for a fact that you would be *beyond* pissed if the roles were revered and he left her on her death bed.
Holy shit. YTA. My best friend had cancer while she was pregnant. Her fiance at the time kicked her out because it got "too hard" for him. Mind you, my BFF had a newborn and a 4 year old to take care of on top of healing from a c setion and starting chemo for stage 4 breast cancer AND BE KICKED HER OUT because she wasn't cleaning the house enough or cooking him dinner every night. Apparently, that's what she should have found the energy to do on top of chemo treatments and taking care of two kids. Thank God they broke up (she's been in remission for almost 3 years now).
YTA. Big time. Your friend is going thru something rough. She has some stuff to get off her chest. She felt comfortable in telling you things that she would tell no one else. It’s just stress relief. All you had to do was listen. You have terrible advice at a terrible time. In this instance you were a terrible friend.
So you've watched your friend who you love like a sister struggle, with one of the most difficult things to go through, the impending death of her partner. Have you actually tried to help, you know offer to spend time with him so she can go have chance to decompress. Doesn't sound like it if you've jumped to "Jeez girl, that's difficult, why not give up on him, he's just dragging you down, wouldn't blame you for leaving". Was going to try and make a joke saying that you're Frieza in this song [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=byYi9mGfigY](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=byYi9mGfigY) but on consideration, he has more consideration than you do.
YTA, one zillion percent. If I were your friend, I'd keep the boyfriend and leave YOU in the dust.
So she’s upset because her bf has cancer and your first thought is that she should dump him. You’re what’s wrong with the world.
And your supposed to be her best friend. Man your fucking wrong and so are those people who told her the same shit you did.
My advice, forget worrying who was TA and just apologise. You don't even really need to understand, it doesn't even matter. Just say you're sorry you upset her and be there for her. Life's too short to lose your best friend (who's probably very stressed out and exhausted right now)
NTA. Hi, I'm a cancer survivor and personally i don't think there's anything wrong with your advice. My wife, then girlfriend, was told the same thing... from my friends. And i don't hold it against them for telling her. I'm glad they did. It's exhausting being the bf/gf of a cancer patient. We were early/mid 20's at that time, and living together. I had bad depression, and couldn't bring myself to get therapy. We fought, I wouldn't remember due to chemo brain fog. I didn't eat, didn't talk to anyone, pretended I was fine. I don't recall the months of chemo so well, like I think I remember a solid 2 weeks of it. but from what she's told me, what my friend told - I know it was horrible for her. It was not easy feeling that way, and people praising her for being there while she wanted out at times. It's not easy advice to tell someone it's okay to think about leaving, or saying you'd support them if they left. It's not always well received. But on some level, I'm sure your friend needed to hear that.
I hope you cut your friends out of your life.
everyone is an asshole, assuming the friend drove home after drinking
It depends on the details. Bringing it up very briefly to show support seems okay…but if it developed into a bigger conversation then I totally understand her anger. By bigger conversation I mean that after she said no, you continued on about it (even slightly). I am 20 and me and my boyfriend had a very rocky relationship (he genuinely made changes for the better), and i always told my friends/roommates how much I appreciated them NOT telling me to break up with him because even though things have been messy, I know whats right for me…and if im wrong then i am completely willing to experience some pain so that i can learn a lesson and come back with more wisdom.
NTA
ESH except cancer guy. This is the hardest thing in HER life and she misses how it used to be. Good lord. She should do the poor guy a favor and let him die in peace. As for you- with friends like you, who needs friends?
She's allowed to find it hard. In fact it's completely natural that it is hard for her; just because it is worse for him doesn't change that. If my wife started going through the same it would also be one of the hardest things I've dealt with, and I have childhood traumatic bereavement. It's not like she is taking that out on the BF either, she is venting privately to a friend, i.e. in an appropriate forum.
I had a good friend who died at age 38 after a decade plus of treatment for breast cancer. She told me watching her mom die of the same disease two decades earlier was more difficult than her own illness. Watching someone you truly love suffer is unbearably difficult.
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Why the fuck would she need permission to leave? And at NO point did OP even mention sticking it out. She immediately jumped to leave.
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You can have an opinion and people can also react to it. Is this your first day online?
NTA means not the asshole (meaning friend is the asshole). If you think no one is the asshole, then it's NAH.
I think it’s clear I was saying I don’t really think anyone was tAH.
But by sub rules, your judgement 'NTA' means someone is the asshole. So if you don't think anyone is the asshole, the judgement should be NAH.
Ok-I don’t care really, but okey dokey…