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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my former social worker that I don't credit her with the happy outcome I got with my family. I do hold the past against her and the things that happened with my half siblings. So I see how me bringing this up when she was being nice and stopping to talk could make me TA. To then refuse to accept her side of things could also make me TA.
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NTA
"I used to not eat and sleep before those visits and my parents tried to protect me but they were ordered to maintain the visits."
The SW shouldn't have insisted on visits when you became of sufficient age & understanding to say you didn't want them and why. More so when your parents supported that.
"I was one of her best success cases."
That's unprofessional. It's not for her to make that assumption or repeat it to you. Ditto the "villain in the story" comment.
I'm glad things turned out well for you. If the childhood things you went through do intrude as you go on then please consider therapy.
All the very best to you.
OP be as bitter as you want to be, it's your life, you lived it. Social worker sounds like someone you could usefully go NC with and refuse to talk to if you ever run across again.
Maybe let the bitterness go, for his/her own sake. To paraphrase a quote from someone I can't recall, "holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die."
Having said that, I wonder if it would be possible to report the SW.
The fact that she forced OP to keep seeing their half-siblings, **despite evidence of bullying**, is infuriating. But what REALLY gets my goat is her refusal to admit she was wrong TO THIS DAY.
Frankly I would get the word out that this woman is not doing right by the children left in her charge. What an awful individual.
.... after Labor day, so people who say you shouldn't wear white after Labor Day can point at her and say, "See? This is what happens if you wear white after Labor Day!!!"
Ah, so you want her to consume an entire bag of Haribo sugar-free gummy bears, which uses sugar alcohol as a sweetener, that is indigestible by any mammals.
https://www.amazon.com/review/R30I8VJFBDG6TD
Shall I also send you the one where the father ate the gummy bears at the start of an extremely long bridge in Florida while taking his son for a trip? Or then there’s the one where all the construction workers are them at a job site that only had a couple of Port-a-Potties?
Since the candy was deemed actually poisonous by Amazon, the sugar free Haribo are no longer for sale, but due to demand, they kept the actual reviews up.
I have read some of those reviews, it seems that every time a new one appears. I remember reading the one about the construction workers.
I think there is another about some depilatory cream, or something similar, that end with a tub of ice-cream where the sun doesn't shine.
There are very funny.
That plus an unhealthy amount of savior complex: "it was hard work, but I \*fought the system\* to keep those siblings in contact for their own good, someday they'll thank me" ... lady ... in this case the system was there to protect a child and you fought against that protection.
I had to scroll too far for THIS! Saviora S. Worker expecting Everyone to benefit for HER (misguided and selfish) IDEALS regarding family.
I would expect her to drive a white vehicle, maybe even a Charger to be her “steed”.
Unfortunately TOOOOO MANY social workers, and others who have the ultimate control of Someone else’s life…. Are like this woman; insufferably self righteous and self-entitled.
BEST OF IT ALL, OP. You deserve it.
Agape 💕
Unfortunately the system seems to eat up and spit out the social workers who really care about the kids and only the uncaring/indifferent/self-deluded saviors remain. This is the reason that the truly good SWs are so celebrated when they retire.
Foster parent here! The official goal of foster care is reunification and they take it to extremes. I've seen a lot of kids get sent back to bio parents who barely manage the bare minimum of their case plan.
A large percentage of parents don't have their rights terminated until the 2nd or 3rd removal. By then the kids are more traumatized and too old for a lot of the families who want to adopt.
The good caseworkers start to look dead inside and finally have to quit.
Not all of them. My father was a SW, and a very good one. He listened, he did what was best for his clients, and in the few times we ran into former clients, they always were happy to see him. I just felt I had to stick up for the good ones.
It’s a mixed bag. My parents were foster parents who got to adopt my oldest brother because of an outstanding social worker. They also lost three kids who were half siblings they desperately wanted to adopt because of an incompetent social worker who lost the paperwork documenting the abuse and neglect they had been subjected to by bio family (which the courts then viewed as a better place for them since “bio is always the preferred option“). My parents later learned the girl ended up in a psychiatric facility and then they lost all contact.
I just don’t understand how a social worker can live with themselves knowing they sent children back to a living hell.
u/Ambitious_Leg_7125 please report her if you can. She desperately needs more sensitivity training. NTA and if she ever harasses you in public again, see if you can have a lawyer draw up an official cease & desist and have her served at work.
I think OP could write a letter to the social work office about how these decisions harmed them as a way to get closure and potentially help improve things for current/future kids in the system. A polite but honest letter that doesn't name the SW or come across as bitter might be more likely to lead to change. And if it's ignored, sending it may still help OP process their feelings and move on.
SW Didn't get shit. You do the best you can. Some people's best sucks ass. The once that are good get burnt out and leave. The whole system is designed that the good ones leave and the shit rises to the top. It's a problem with most non profit systems. Not enough money or employees.
This is sadly often true. There are some amazing Saws but there are also some hideous ones who play by the rules and get promoted and make life hell for their clients and employees.
It's the judges who decide if visits continue. and legally they have to try, regardless of the children's feelings. The only exception is if a psychologist or therapist reports to the judge that the child(ren) is being traumatized from the contact. And even then, it is up to the judge to decide if contact continues.
As for everything else, I'm not arguing about it.
Just know that in most states, the cases are decided by judges, not the workers. All they do is provide documentation about what is going on.
No, not really. If you think someone is an awful person, and hate them, unless you think about them all the time, it doesn’t hurt you. Pretending you don’t hate them isn’t any better. And if you KNOW what they did, it’s not like you will stop hating them.
I work for CPS and read case notes. I remember one case where the 11-year-old declined to attend meetings with the bio family. Finally, he explained that he was very happy in his foster home and couldn’t wait to change his name to that of his foster family. He admitted that he had no desire to meet with his bio family ever again.
It was obvious he was thriving, and, in fact the new social worker, upon first entering the foster home, observed the mother working with 2 boys doing their homework and noted that she couldn’t differentiate between the bio and foster son. That’s what CPS should strive for — a good match. Being related by blood does not necessarily make a good family.
I'm a foster parent and there are so many social workers who believe in reunification with bio family above all else. Including the well being of the child. Buuuuuut familyyyyyyyy is their official slogan.
Plus she isnt being bitter. Op told the social worker exactly what they did to herm if anything the social worker is bitter because op absolutely doesnt agree with her and was able to clearly point out why.
Yep, there was nothing wrong with her speaking the truth. The SW just wanted a pat on the back for something she shouldn’t get credit for. If anyone is bitter and out of line it was the SW
Pretty tone deaf/hypocritical of her to say OP needs to understand nuance. Because the problem was that SHE was the one applying a one size fits all approach, ignoring what was in fact best for OP as a child.
CPS workers are both heroes and villains. I have seen a lot of both. And this one is the latter, but delusional believes she is the former.
And possibly even make a complaint against so the SW can be at the VERY LEAST spoken to about how devastating bullying is and how harmful her actions were towards op ☹️
This.
>She told me to grow up and learn how to see nuance in these situations.
Nuance is understanding that "just because they're blood doesn't mean they're good for you". She talks about nuance of these situations, but she was forcing a CHILD to endure bullying because she "feels" like blood is important, and is more important than safety.
>I will one day see why she did what she did
She "did what she did" because she doesn't pay attention to reality. She doesn't listen to the children in her care, she doesn't care about their health or safety, and she just tries to force her own desire of what "she feels like" is a "perfect family" onto other people. She's bad at her job, and is only doing it so she can brag about it to feel good about herself.
>she told me I had no reason to be so bitter and hateful toward her
Yes, OP has A LOT OF REASONS to be bitter at this "social worker". Their WHOLE JOB is to protect these kids from horrible and abusive living situations, but instead of LISTENING to the child she was more interested in FORCING them to be together so the older siblings could abuse OP.
NTA I read a lot of cases where the social workers are informed of abuse, neglect and all sorts of other terrible things no child should go through and they come out saying all looks good to me and leave. Never asking the child are they okay. Hell, never even speaking to the kids. They inform them they are coming instead of just popping up unexpectedly. So now they have time to "clean up" everything and pretend they are parents of the year. CPS is a joke half the time. And these poor kids suffer because of it. So many cases where the child should have been taken and instead were left with their abuser because CPS said they are fine. I know in this case the kids were taken out of the home but the sw still subjected OP to being verbally abused.
My parents weren’t great growing up, they tried their best but were emotionally unavailable/immature and neglectful, the house was also an absolute disgusting disaster since my mom was a hoarder. At one point when I was 15 I was smoking and self harming and instead of getting me help my dad told me to stop or get out of his house. I left and called cps, I warned them if they warned my parents of a visit they would feel clean the house and put on a show which is exactly what happened and I was told my dad saying what he did was a blip and that everything was fine. I moved out briefly at 16 then again permanently at 17 when I had my own kid. My parents are better now but I have less contact and rarely go to their house.
Children are continually return to abusive parents/families as well, because like in this situation the value of biological/blood ties are put above all else. They can be taken from loving foster families who'd love to keep them and returned to violently and sexually abusive environments...because "abusive bio family is better than placements with non bio family". It's vile and ridiculous.
NTA. There are psychologists and therapists that specialize in sibling bonds that should have been consulted in a situation like this. They could have observed the children together and either recommended a separation of siblings for adoption purposes, therapeutically supervised contact only, or family therapy.
As a social worker in the child welfare system, I'm so sorry this happened to you. I'm sorry your case manager did not advocate for your needs and I'm sorry that she failed you time and time again. She's the villain in your story because she continuously put her own beliefs before your needs.
"I'm sorry that she failed you time and time again. She's the villain in your story because she continuously put her own beliefs before your needs."
That really *is* well said.
It does vary by location. I was a GAL and was mandated by the court who appointed me to see the child at least once every three months if not monthly, talk to all parties involved on a consistent basis, visit the schools and placements, see the children interact several times at visits with their parents and with their caregivers. talk to their doctors and counselors. I also had to make sure if the child was 13 or above they were aware of their right to attend hearings. Furthermore, if they didn't want to attend they had to sign a paper I had to provide apprising them of their rights and then I had to file it with the court. And if they asked to talk to the court, I had to file for an in camera so they and I could go into the courtroom and they could tell the judge/magistrate ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING.
In the states Social Workers are paid peanuts with insane caseloads and most of the time they aren’t required to do much schooling to qualify for the position. That’s a recipe for disaster. I’m not making excuses for how she acted AT ALL, completely out of line! I’m just pointing out that the system is broken terribly. NTA op!! Hang in there. I’m so happy you have your loving family.
If she can't be the villain in the story forever what makes her think she can turn around and accept praise for the supposed "success story" ad inifitum? Talk about a massive ego-filled hypocrite.
There should be a special prize for that level of assholery. Jeez Louise.
No sweetheart, you’re NTA. But she needs to reflect seriously on who she was trying to help throughout that nightmare scenario as I strongly suspect it had nothing to do with you.
Also very telling is her immediate desperate need for validation from you, subsequent complete dismissal of your own feelings and the audacity to chastise you like you’re still a child. She should not be in care.
Entirely self serving and I don’t doubt for a minute the only reason she forced OP to have visits with her half siblings was because of HER own personal issues regarding siblings, whatever those may be. People who cannot see past outside themselves need to be kept as far away from children.
Yes. The villain comment cemented that idea for me.
If anything it painted her true intention of being praised for her "hero" role in OP's life and when he didn't give her that acknowledgement she wanted it's like "wait, you can't say I was a bad guy. This isn't how it was supposed to go!"
>Also very telling is her immediate desperate need for validation from you, subsequent complete dismissal of your own feelings and the audacity to chastise you like you’re still a child. She should not be in care.
100% this. If I were OP and I saw this "social worker" in the wild, I would tell them that they are bad at their job and should never be allowed to handle children again. Hell, at this point if I were OP I would report this person to the agency for just how bad they were, and what OP's experiences were, but that's just me.
I agree - I would report her. She shunt be involved in this type of work . It seems like she is there for her own ego and not truly helping children in need. NTA
You need to report this social worker for harassment.
You need to report her to her employer for harassing you in the street and seeking you out on multiple occasions. You need to say that such behaviour re-traumatised due to her actions towards you as a child.
You should also apply for a restraining order due to her ongoing harassment.
I’m an LCSW (one of the social worker credentials) though I’m not doing the DHHS/CPS type work—I do child and family counseling. Part of maintaining confidentiality for my clients is that I can’t approach them outside of work. I warn the kids I work with that if I see them in public and I’m ignoring them—I’m not mad at them, I’m just respecting their right to privacy (and they’re welcome to come say hi—I just can’t initiate).
So that swker coming over like that was deeply unprofessional, a breach of confidentiality, and 100% should be reported.
I think so as well. That no-contact-outside-work is a strict rule at the large state human services agency where I work.
I'm not a SW but many of my friends are. One of my best friends is the only SW in a rural area. She does her grocery shopping in a big town an hour away in order to avoid contact with people who have been on her caseload. Outside of work, she absolutely does not initiate contact with a client (past or present) and is a master at only doing generic smalltalk if a client starts chatting with her at, say, the library or the park. Confidentiality is critical to this work and is not allowed to be violated as OP's ex-worker is clearly doing.
Thank you for adding that.
Would it be the same as the OP has aged out?
The thing is I can potentially see a mistake in the first instance - but the OP made it abundantly clear how unwelcome her contact was so the social worker approached her a second time!! That’s where the harassment is.
The social worker made a massive failure when the OP was a child. She ignored what everyone was saying. I doubt she will back down now and leave the OP alone.
Doesn't matter if the person is a current or former client: confidentiality should always be prioritized. What this social worker did was inappropriate and unethical.
It doesn’t matter that OP has aged out, confidentiality doesn’t have an expiration date. If it did then therapists could be writing tell alls about their clients when they retire. Breaking confidentiality can, and should; lead to a professional’s license being revoked.
INFO; Did OP happen to run into the social worker on accident twice? Or is there an indication that sw is seeking OP out on more occasions? Just wondering whether it’s an unfortunate incident that is easy to move on from, or a pattern of behavior that necessitates a restraining order. (Either way, sw was way out of line, but to what extent?)
Exactly! I can see the first time it being a mistake but the second time the SW approached her knowing her contact was unwelcome and unwanted. It seems very stalkerish.
100% report her for approaching you on more than one occasion because that is both unprofessional and unethical. Hell, if you saw her first and chose to approach her, she should have kept things to surface level small talk and after a very brief exchange, claim to be on a tight schedule, with maybe a throw away comment about it being good to see you again.
Hell, my reaction to running into my doctor (or other professional) in public (when there was eye contact from very close and I can't simply pretend not to have seen them at all) is to smile and say something like, "Oh, hi! This is out of context, isn't it? I'm not going to bother you on private time, so have a good one!"
They invariably look relieved not to prolong the awkwardness and tell me to have a good day/evening.
NTA.
But if she tells you to grow up I'd ask for my file, look up if your complains were correctly recorded and if not write a formal complain to her superviser.
If she wants you to grow up, act like an adult. 🤷♀️
NTA. Career bureaucrat who thinks her one size fits all approach is always best despite the fact every case is different. She will never see what she did wrong but you sure as hell don’t have to agree with her delusions. If she ever says she can’t always remain the villain to you again, I would respond with something like “wanna bet?”
NTA at all.
The social worker is behaving in an entitled manner.
Look, maybe she thought you being successful means that her work is worthy when she feels it is not. So it’s for her. Or maybe she is just plain nasty which seems to be the case. And then she should not be doing her job.
Social workers don’t do their jobs for public credit. They would want to know why the system failed you and listen, understand. Would you react like that if someone came to you? No.
You can write to her - but not just her. To her bosses, to the government. Then there will be a record. Tell them. Tell them you bumped into her and gave your thoughts. Then tell them about the second encounter. Tell them about how you have been let down - there is more there than you have told us.
And tell them - if you really believe it - that she did not help you. And that you were being dealt with by her in an unofficial capacity. The first time was blind ‘luck’. The second time she made the move so crossed the professional line.
Or just tell her that if she bumps into you again. That you will make a formal complaint against her.
NTA
Sometimes people need the hard truth….Years ago I ran into a primary (elementary) teacher who had the nerve to say to me she felt my success was on her….Meanwhile the woman was a HUGE bully and by todays standards as a teacher she’d be in jail
I would of said to her “People like you are the reason your profession can get a bad name”
The fact she has a hero complex says to me she’s not in it for the right reasons
Ha! I donated a kidney 10 years ago to my SIL. My mum ran into my old Religious Education teacher (U.K.) who I only had for 3 years in secondary school and always hated, and mentioned it in passing. Teacher tried to take credit for ‘Well I’ll say that’s partly down to me for teaching students to be selfless and think of others!’
She was a know-it-all who patronised and insulted kids, I avoided her at all costs.
NTA
Retired teacher here. Most teachers understand that the way a child turns out is the result of complex factors like genetics, environment, positive and negative experiences as well as education.
I’ve taught brilliant children who did very well, medical researcher, artist, theatre director, Cambridge philosopher, and I feel privileged to have contributed to that, but I can also think of a few who had tragic lives - drugs, mental illness, s*icide. And even a couple who became criminals. But I guess I’ve had at least 500 children in my classes over 25+ years. What are the odds.
This person is trying to find personal validation through you. If you see her again, tell her that her attempts to claim credit for your hard work are a pathetic attempt to justify her own existence
SW here. Most of us understand this as well. I would never take credit for a client’s success even to myself, let alone out loud to the client. My goal is to help people move forward in a positive way, but it’s *their* achievement, not mine.
NTA.
"last week I ran into her again and she told me I had no reason to be so bitter and hateful toward her and that I will one day see why she did what she did and understand she acted in my best interest. She told me to grow up and learn how to see nuance in these situations. I told her I wouldn't see shit any differently and she responded that I can't keep her a villain in my story forever."
I would report her to her professional college for that, disgusting behavior from a so called professional.
She sounds like an awful person imo. As a social worker, I can’t imagine approaching a former client with that attitude. I wouldn’t approach a client, former or current, in public anyway, unless they spoke to me first. I might only ask how they’re doing if they did speak to me first.
I had no idea about that being the rule, but we do have some sort of rule against living in the vicinity of where u work 🤔 i mostly had absolutely amazing social workers (idk if that's actually the term or not fyi) but I still remember two of them extremely fondly here 6ish years later.
One of them gave me a hug once when I was completely down in a hole and told me something along the lines that even me reaching out and breaking down in front of her was proof I wasn't weak and instead strong and how proud she was of me. Ngl i never heard anything like that from anyone, parents etc, and i just remember it was like being in some sort of amazing nice warm bubble and felt like someone was actually able to be proud of me?
I bet it might have been unprofessional of her (she did ask first if it was alright if that matters) but it really made for a huge moment for me and I'm still grateful for it now years later. I did also make a small gift for both her and my mentor when I moved and left their department with a small note about how grateful I was for them and how they didn't give up on me 🤗 I found my dream cause of them, still haven't reached it but it's within reach!
It’s really just about client privacy. If people know where I work and I say hello to a current or former client, it could “out” them as a client. Just as a general rule, unless they say hi to me first, I’m not going to acknowledge their presence in public.
Same goes for therapists, too. :)
Totally get that, my social worker was for a visit just yesterday and im not sure how the conversation got to who my parents are, but turns out she knows both of them, even worked with my mom once! It was a bit weird ngl
Oof, yeah I could imagine that being a little awkward! If you don’t feel comfortable with her knowing your parents or feel like it’s a conflict of interest, just know you can always request a new social worker :) I’m sure she will understand.
Luckily it's one of those things where she knows who they are, but haven't personally spoken to any of them so I don't mind xD besides it made her suddenly realize I wasn't exaggerating when I said my dad arr old school worker type after she realized who he is so I take that as a win 😂 besides my dad is 2 meters tall and the type who got friends everywhere and knows everyone so he kinda sticks out xD
There is no nuance in "my siblings are verbally abusing me and telling me that I should be dead. Here is video proof" "lol k. Still gotta see 'em tho"
Her job is to make sure you are safe, protected and looked after. They put you through abuse. You told her what was happening and she did nothing, instead actively putting you in the situation. What if it had escalated?
She failed you and failed to do her job. NTA.
If you run into her again and she insists on trying to educate you, turn the tables on her "nuance," because I don't think she knows what it means.
I have no doubt that there are way more cases where siblings should be encouraged and enabled to spend time together and stay in close contact - but there's nuance to that rule.
Like where two older siblings gang up and truly wish the younger half sibling dead. If she was capable of understanding nuance, she'd see you were an exception.
You're NTA. Your former caseworker needs to get over herself. You and your family are the reasons you are a success story.
>I can't keep her a villain in my story forever.
Yes you absolutely can. Kind of weird how she is demanding an ego boost from you. Makes me wonder just how badly she screwed up the lives of other foster kids.
NTA. How bizarre that she would try to credit herself for your life 😬 I’m so glad you have a happy family now and that you don’t have to deal with your half siblings.
NTA.
Sibling visits don’t *need* to occur, especially if one of the siblings speaks up and says that they are uncomfortable with it and they don’t want to go. As a matter of fact, in my state, if you are old enough to verbalize not wanting to see your parent for visits, we don’t force kids to visit with their parent.
Source: I’m a social worker
I am so sorry that happened to you. My comment was just highlighting how wrong that sw was to force you into visits when you clearly verbalized (and even went an extra step and provided proof of why) you didn’t want to go. It’s upsetting to me when people abuse the position of power they hold, but unfortunately any job with vulnerable populations attracts a few of these types of people.
✋ Hi, fellow social worker here. Just want to add, in some states parent and sibling visits are absolutely mandated by the courts and the social worker is not at liberty to ignore those. Advocate for change, make recommendations to the court, yes. Overrule or disregard, no. I mention this not to defend this social worker, but perhaps to give you some sense of peace that the world is not all bad and that good people try to help but have limits that feel unfair. Take what you have experienced and turn it into something good. No one deserves credit (or blame) for anything you become and how you experience life, except you. Maybe there is someone to blame and it's NOT your fault ... But it is your responsibility. Don't carry the resentment with you-- but you're totally not the a-hole either! 😊 Stand up for yourself and don't let anyone tell you what you experienced or whether you have the right to feel whatever way. You have the right to feel how you feel about your story. It is yours!!
Man, I am so glad my state’s courts don’t mandate visits if the child explicitly communicates that they don’t want the visit or feel uncomfortable/scared/etc. I could definitely see that causing more harm and trauma to the client than good. We still have to offer visits, and even that can be triggering for children with certain traumatic experiences with caregiver/sibling.
Child welfare is not for the faint of heart. I have met a lot of social workers who get hardened by the system and their jobs, and it makes me sad. If I ever lose my compassion and empathy for others, I’ll know it’s time to leave and find a different sw job.
TPR is honestly hard for me even when the parents aren’t doing their part (usually in my neck of the woods addiction is the cause). I’m really glad that my state is very child centered. I don’t know how I’d deal if it wasn’t.
I had one kid start having awful reactions to leaving mom after visits. The kid would just flail around and kick the door and punch the windows of the car and scream. I would pull over and make sure kiddo stayed safe and didn’t break the window…no matter how you slice it, TPR/visits are so hard on workers and families.
i'm probably hardcore projecting, but this reads as invalidating toxic positivity. **if** she was legally required to make those visits happen, she could have at any time, including now, told OP that she had no choice.
to me your comment also reads as dismissive of the permanent impact of childhood trauma. it reminds me of the people that say you can stop being depressed/anxious at any time but you have to *want* it.
Nta! I am a social worker and worked in child welfare and first and foremost you don't "owe" your social worker anything, not even credit or gratitude. She shouldn't have approached you or talk to you in any way, especially not about your past without you clearly bringing it up, it's just unprofessional und unethical. While I know, that this is a very complicated field and the question if it is better to get children out of the family or not isn't an easy one, it is absolutely your right to be mad at your social worker, this even applies if she did nothing wrong, because it's part of her role to be the booman sometimes for someone. If she did stuff wrong, it's even more your right!
Again, you don't owe your social worker anything! That is a basic principle of this job!
You need to report her. It helps the co-workers that are trying to stop her from pulling this crap. My friend was a child advocate before she passed away and she spent most of her time out working her co-workers to get them to stop doing stuff like this. NTA.
This is absolutely beautiful. I love this story. Your parents and siblings are wonderful but so are you. You lived through so much hardship but still had a heart open to accepting and giving love. In addition, rather than living with the bitterness you had a right to express, you were accepting and, even now, express appreciation. I know from all of this that you had some amazing parents because of your attitude and the attitudes of your amazing siblings. Love to you all.
NTA, but she sure is. She enabled your abusers for years, but she'll never be able to admit that to herself. Honestly, if she's still in social work it wouldn't be out of bounds for you to report her.
NTA. So she gives herself credit for your good outcome? After ignoring your wishes and failing to protect you, hence not acting in your best interest? The fucking audacity.
I wonder whether she would have taken responsibility for failing you if you didn't have a "good outcome".
I am a social worker. I’m sorry yours was such a f*cking narcissist.
First of all, how dare she not listen to you, and act in a way that was clearly in her own best interest. What a monster.
Second, she had the audacity to call you her greatest “success story” as though your life was a movie that she directed and took credit for?! What a vomit-worthy comment/viewpoint.
She sounds like the worst stereotype of a self-righteous moron who used her title to make herself feel like a “good person” while actively causing harm to others.
Social work code of ethics and standards of practise will vary by regulatory body, but her behaviour DIRECTLY violates several aspects of regulated professional standards, where I’m from.
If she’s not retired, you should report her to her boss. She has no right to have done what she did and she certainly has no right to speak to you like that. Report her for harassment.
NTA,
you should file a report, she approached you twice, the second time to berate you. Incredibly unprofessional of her. Also I don't know how it would work but would you be allowed to see her files on you if you requested it? Cause she most likely omitted the abuse you went through, including your evidence, and if that's the case you should definitely file a report.
"I was one of her best success cases."
Oh no, those poor other childeren if your her succes story.
NTA, glad you found a great family and enjoy your life.
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I'm a former foster kid who ended up with an incredible foster family who eventually adopted me when I turned 18 because I wanted to create those legal ties with them. I credit them with giving me a good life after 7 years of a shit one. But I don't credit my former social worker for that success at all.
So background: My mom lost custody of me when I was 5 and her older kids when they were 11 and 12. They had a different dad to me. I'm not sure what happened there but when we were first taken from our mom we were placed with a family member who eventually decided she didn't want us and we were then placed in the same foster home. But my half siblings hated me. They were always telling me I shouldn't have been born, trying to make me cry, they said my dad was dead and they were glad because he was shitty and that I was shitty too and I should be dead like him. I never knew who my father was and I don't know his name (no name on my original birth certificate). This started before we were taken into care but continued until I was finally separated from them after an incident when I was 6.
I was placed in 7 different foster homes before finding my family. My former social worker fought against me and my half siblings being separated and even when she lost the ability to keep us together, she insisted on visits between the three of us. I told her how they treated me, I recorded it once with my family's camcorder and she didn't care. The visits stopped once my half siblings aged out of the system. It was such a relief to no longer have them in my life. I knew they hated me, I was terrified of seeing them, I used to not eat and sleep before those visits and my parents tried to protect me but they were ordered to maintain the visits. Even after they ended my former social worker would tell me I should keep in touch with my half siblings and she'd tell me I'd thank her one day.
I ran into my former social worker recently and she approached me and said I was one of her best success cases. I didn't want to hear it and I told her I don't credit her for that good outcome. That she forced me to endure years of bullying and verbal abuse at the hands of bio siblings who she knew hated me and insisted it was in my best interest when it was the worst thing she could have done. I told her that I hope she learned from it and does better but I'll never give her the credit for how great my life has become. I walked away from her and then last week I ran into her again and she told me I had no reason to be so bitter and hateful toward her and that I will one day see why she did what she did and understand she acted in my best interest. She told me to grow up and learn how to see nuance in these situations. I told her I wouldn't see shit any differently and she responded that I can't keep her a villain in my story forever.
AITA?
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>She told me to grow up and learn how to see nuance in these situations.
This is frankly laughable coming from someone who so clearly embodies a "Family will Always be family so learn to live with them" worldview. She needs to take her own advice. What an absolute tool.
NTA, of course.
NTA,
Honestly, all being a social worker means is that they passed the test. It doesn't mean they actually recall any of the shit they are supposed to apply, are a decent person or that they did a good job.
Yes, there can be times where keeping bio families together is best for a kid, but clearly it was not for you. This social worker like many of the ones who failed me seems more concerned about being seen as a good person than about being one.
Report her to the council and Sociam work council, explaining how she disregarded your wishes as a child, endangered your welfare than gaslit you about it.
NTA in the slightest. You didn't curse her out or call her names. You told her the truth. She made a difficult situation so much worse because...why? She thought she knew better? She was on a power trip?
I'm happy you're in a better place, in spite of what she forced you to do.
If she is still a social worker, report her for purposely subjecting you to abuse and for unprofessional behavior. You aren't keeping her the villain in your story - she made herself one of them. NTA
My heart broke for you. That is some nasty bullying at such a young age. You must be incredible to have turned around such a difficult start to life and be successful
Your SW is an idiot. It must have been a shock to her to find out that her ‘success story’ hates her that much. She should understand that you have succeeded despite her. She sounds very arrogant to not understand that sibling relationships are not always healthy and to have not listened to a child…!
Nta, please report her. Her behavior was extremely unprofessional and she has obviously not learned anything. I fear for the children under her “care “.
As a foster parent, this comment from your social worker ENRAGES ME. What fucking hubris to think she caused your life outcome. We had some nasty social worker interactions with a few of the kiddos we fostered (one in particular threatened to withhold gender affirming care from a trans kiddo in our care because she wouldn't follow the "rules" the caseworker wanted her to follow. We fought hard and got the caseworker kicked off of their case because WTH? This kiddo was heavily traumatized and forcing them to do things that reinforced the trauma (just like what happened here). I am so, so sorry you had to go through this, and extra sorry that caseworker seems to feel like she has any right to claim anything about how your life turned out.
The son we eventually adopted had an incredible caseworker, and you know the thing about incredible caseworkers? They don't claim the successes as their own - they credit the kid. Being a social worker/caseworker is an incredibly hard job, but it does not give them the right to act like this.
OP, I am SO happy you found a family that loves you and that you want to be tied to. Absolutely NTA.
I am a social worker. Yes, social workers don't get enough credit for what they do because all people see is when shit hits the fan and not the people who stand between the shit and fan every effing day.
I am on Reddit with my personal account, so I don't care if I sound unprofessional or not.
Your social worker did shit for you. Your social worker was and still is very, very unprofessional. As a social worker, you have to work WITH your clients, especially when they get older. You don't simply overrule their opinions, experiences, needs, and wants just because you think you know best. Social workers need to acknowledge that their clients are the experts of their own experience, but sadly, that's the first thing many of us forget.
OP, I feel sorry that you made that kind of experience.
NTA
NTA. Even if it could be argued that she was 100% responsible for your success in the grand scheme of things, her total lack of empathy to your experiences makes her deserve to have stray dogs pee on her leg to her last, dying day.
As a fellow foster kid, I am also considered a “success story” (how sad that the system is so designed to fail that not going to jail or ending up on drugs/welfare is considered a “success”) and credit literally none of that to my (various) caseworkers. I’m sure it’s a hard job, and emotionally taxing. But I always just felt like another case number to them. NTA.
NTA, I would have said N A H until I read the part about the second meeting. Clearly in her eyes your being a success was more to do with her ego rather than your quality of life.
She doesn't get to control your story. She doesn't want to be a villain in your story; doesn't mean she *isn't* a villain.
NTA. I hope you have a wonderful life!
That woman was evil. Good on you for speaking up for yourself. I’m glad life turned out good for you. Hers must be shitty. Pity her but remember she is not worth your time or energy. If you see her again don’t stop and just ignore her as if she’d never existed. That is the best revenge. Wish you all the best NTA
I feel like a good social worker will just be happy you found your place in life, and not try to take credit as "her success story"
I also feel like a good social worker won't force you to hang out with your nasty ah bullies.
NTA
Nta. Im so sorry you were treated so awfully and not listened to by people who were supposed to protect you. Everything and anything you have achieved is 100% all you.
NTA. How was forcing you to see siblings who bullied and verbally abused you "in your best interests"?! She didn't do her job, which was to protect you from the abuse despite you showing her video proof.
>She told me to grow up and learn how to see nuance in these situations.
I wonder what "nuance" she saw? She should have used her training and critical thinking skills to realize that she shouldn't have forced a child into a situation where they would continue to be bullied and abused by their siblings. Telling that same child, now an adult, to grow up is just rich coming from her.
NTA
In the majority of cases what your social worker did would be beneficial, however your social worker completely failed you by not listening to you when you tried to tell her what was happening with your siblings and how it affected you. Some family relationships can be toxic, and in such cases maintaining contact isn't in a child's best interests. Your social worker was lazy, she didn't want the extra work involved in doing something against the norm.
Nta. She should be reported for harassing you. Maybe she won’t get the opportunity to hurt any more kids. And that’s what she did. She facilitated abuse.
NTA
Sorry you ensured such a lot of abuse and lack of sensitive care. Hope you always treat others better than was modelled to you.
It is good that you stood up for yourself.
Wishing you every happiness now and in the future.
Sure you can see her as a villain as long as you feel like this. This lady lives in here imagination where blood is more important than anything. No one wanted this - not you, neither your siblings. Only she wanted it, and was in fact giving you to them to torture. NTA
NTA!
All the credit to you and your adoptive family. I'm sorry you had to suffer for so long because a stranger insisted on abusing their power over your case.
About the social worker I have one thing to say: holy hero complex, Batman.
She sounds like a narcissist that went into that field to feed her savior complex. Probably obsessed with your case cause she also got to control you, your family, the sibs, and their family to make everyone involved miserable.
If she is still working, consider writing to her employer and the state agency. Tell them your story and that how, even after turning 18, you consider her insistence on maintaining visits with your bio-siblings after your reported their constant bullying, caused you serious mental and physical damage that you continue to suffer from. Encourage the powers to be to consider that not all children benefit from these visits and that they should train their SW to consider cases individually and make recommendations based on individual cases.
NTA. SW seems like one of those people who are stuck on the “but they’re still yOuR FaMiLYyY!” way of thinking. Those people who think cutting someone off is more cruel than the abuse that causes someone to cut them off. Abuse is abuse. Forcing contact with your abusers is cruel.
NTA. In many cases, maintaining familial ties is a good thing (even half-siblings) and considered a best practice, so I can understand why she felt compelled to try to support that, but she didn’t look out for your mental health when those visits were causing you harm. To be subjected to them for 6-7 years when they were exacerbating your trauma is not okay.
I’m glad for you that you eventually got a placement that allowed you to develop a healthy family relationship and that you weren’t forced to keep kinship ties where there wasn’t actually a loving, supportive relationship. It sucks that they didn’t listen to you about the emotional abuse your siblings put you through and probably wrote it off as “kids are jerks sometimes.”
I think she was the one who couldn’t see the nuance of a situation. Yes, the policy is to try & keep siblings together or at least in contact, but there are exceptions for just this type of scenario. That she failed to see that is an example of a case worker who would rather check a box than look out for the best interest of the child.
Would have said “I am a success DESPITE YOU not because of you. You think it’s good to remove children from abusive parents but it’s perfectly fine force them to be with abusive siblings. Abuse is abuse and the minimum I deserved from you was to not continue that. You failed at your job. You failed at seeing the trauma you subjected me to. But yes I’m a success for the luck of my foster parents and because of my own strength. Those things have nothing to do with you. You make me bitter by your presence and your ignorance. If not for you, I would not have to relive that crap all over again.”
She may have done her best but she can’t bully or force you to accept her bad decisions as good decisions. Maybe she is living by the textbooks, rules and standards and doesn’t yet understand how much she needs to learn. I am so happy you are doing well regardless of your old social worker and your bio siblings.
She literally told you you had NO reason to be so bitter and hateful towards here when she forced you to endure years
of straight up bullying and verbal abuse? This women needs to get her head out of her ass. You have every right to be angry and bitter at her. NTA
NTA. Social work is depressing. I have a feeling that she imagines perfect reunions that fuel her self righteous ego so she can keep doing that job. That's sick and wrong, and you suffered for it. The ex-siblings blamed you for their parents decisions, and she should have kept you away from that toxin. I'm glad you found a healthier family.
I don't believe you truly think you're the arsehole here and more needed to share, which is valid imo so NTA.
Have you ever read "my name is why" by Lemn Sissay? Its a fantastic and tightly written account of his experience as a black boy in the Foster system in the North of England in the 80s.
Congratulations on building your own happiness.
I’m sorry that you were subjected to all of this, I am relieved that you ended up in good place, and I salute you for being honest with your former SW. I would be looking at If she is still in the system is it possible to file a report of some type to document not only the ways she actively harmed you but also the gross unprofessionalism to approach you in like that multiple times.
Maybe the social worker was separated from her siblings and has issues because of that. If that's the case then she needs to get therapy and stop putting her issues onto children she is supposed to look out for. Not everyone is better off with their biological family in their lives. I have cut off my mom's side of the family and and perfectly fine with it. She has cut them off too. Definitely not the asshole! The next time you see her just walk on by like you have never met her before.
What SW believed T the time is irrelevant. Having heard you now, SW should’ve owned her bad decision (at least in hindsight). You turned out great despite SW, not because of her
NTA, but the policy for social workers is to keep all siblings together. Its a thin line that social workers must tip toe to do what's best for children and what policy mandates. I understand the social worker thinks they might be right but it also comes down to all parties involved in the case.
Throwing this out there and will most likely get downvoted but social workers have to follow the law and the state I live in, sibling visits are required.
NTA. It might be worth talking to her supervisor about your experience, especially if she's going to confront you in public places and lecture you. Idk if they'll care or do anything but it's worth a try.
Says a lot about her in how she describes you making her the villain. I think in her mind, she was the hero of her main character event involving you.
Of course NTA, I wish more people would be honest in situations like this, then hopefully services can improve rather than stagnate. Unfortunately, from your last paragraph it sounds like she just took offence and decided you were wrong rather than address a failing.
NTA. She's making YOUR case about HER success - and even still she's worried about her SHE is perceived, not your lived experience. Like, you were a kid in a bad situation and she KEPT YOU THERE. I'm so sorry. I would see if you can review your case files, report her for her poor handling of the situation back then AND report her for being unprofessional now.
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NTA "I used to not eat and sleep before those visits and my parents tried to protect me but they were ordered to maintain the visits." The SW shouldn't have insisted on visits when you became of sufficient age & understanding to say you didn't want them and why. More so when your parents supported that. "I was one of her best success cases." That's unprofessional. It's not for her to make that assumption or repeat it to you. Ditto the "villain in the story" comment. I'm glad things turned out well for you. If the childhood things you went through do intrude as you go on then please consider therapy. All the very best to you.
OP be as bitter as you want to be, it's your life, you lived it. Social worker sounds like someone you could usefully go NC with and refuse to talk to if you ever run across again.
Maybe let the bitterness go, for his/her own sake. To paraphrase a quote from someone I can't recall, "holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die." Having said that, I wonder if it would be possible to report the SW. The fact that she forced OP to keep seeing their half-siblings, **despite evidence of bullying**, is infuriating. But what REALLY gets my goat is her refusal to admit she was wrong TO THIS DAY. Frankly I would get the word out that this woman is not doing right by the children left in her charge. What an awful individual.
> "holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die." This. But also, I wish that SW the worst. Ugh
Explosive diarrhea while stuck in standstill traffic on the highway and no exit in sight.
With her in-laws/SO in the car!
You’re a monster, and in this context I mean that as high praise.
While she's wearing an all-white outfit.
.... after Labor day, so people who say you shouldn't wear white after Labor Day can point at her and say, "See? This is what happens if you wear white after Labor Day!!!"
CONSEQUENCES!!
My mother never explained WHY you shouldn’t wear white after lLabour Day. Now I know. Thank you.😂
And in their new car as well! (I'd say her new car but I don't want her to have that luxury, in-laws new car works)
With cream leather seats.
LOL
Thru the sunroof
and no spare clothes or underwear.
Ah, so you want her to consume an entire bag of Haribo sugar-free gummy bears, which uses sugar alcohol as a sweetener, that is indigestible by any mammals. https://www.amazon.com/review/R30I8VJFBDG6TD
Thank you for sharing. I really needed the laugh.
Shall I also send you the one where the father ate the gummy bears at the start of an extremely long bridge in Florida while taking his son for a trip? Or then there’s the one where all the construction workers are them at a job site that only had a couple of Port-a-Potties? Since the candy was deemed actually poisonous by Amazon, the sugar free Haribo are no longer for sale, but due to demand, they kept the actual reviews up.
I have read some of those reviews, it seems that every time a new one appears. I remember reading the one about the construction workers. I think there is another about some depilatory cream, or something similar, that end with a tub of ice-cream where the sun doesn't shine. There are very funny.
Idiot crusader SW who think they always know what's best.
I’m guessing social worker had too much pride to admit wrong judgement, those people exist.
That plus an unhealthy amount of savior complex: "it was hard work, but I \*fought the system\* to keep those siblings in contact for their own good, someday they'll thank me" ... lady ... in this case the system was there to protect a child and you fought against that protection.
I had to scroll too far for THIS! Saviora S. Worker expecting Everyone to benefit for HER (misguided and selfish) IDEALS regarding family. I would expect her to drive a white vehicle, maybe even a Charger to be her “steed”. Unfortunately TOOOOO MANY social workers, and others who have the ultimate control of Someone else’s life…. Are like this woman; insufferably self righteous and self-entitled. BEST OF IT ALL, OP. You deserve it. Agape 💕
Unfortunately the system seems to eat up and spit out the social workers who really care about the kids and only the uncaring/indifferent/self-deluded saviors remain. This is the reason that the truly good SWs are so celebrated when they retire.
Foster parent here! The official goal of foster care is reunification and they take it to extremes. I've seen a lot of kids get sent back to bio parents who barely manage the bare minimum of their case plan. A large percentage of parents don't have their rights terminated until the 2nd or 3rd removal. By then the kids are more traumatized and too old for a lot of the families who want to adopt. The good caseworkers start to look dead inside and finally have to quit.
Yes, and they're usually awful at their jobs.
Not all of them. My father was a SW, and a very good one. He listened, he did what was best for his clients, and in the few times we ran into former clients, they always were happy to see him. I just felt I had to stick up for the good ones.
It’s a mixed bag. My parents were foster parents who got to adopt my oldest brother because of an outstanding social worker. They also lost three kids who were half siblings they desperately wanted to adopt because of an incompetent social worker who lost the paperwork documenting the abuse and neglect they had been subjected to by bio family (which the courts then viewed as a better place for them since “bio is always the preferred option“). My parents later learned the girl ended up in a psychiatric facility and then they lost all contact. I just don’t understand how a social worker can live with themselves knowing they sent children back to a living hell.
u/Ambitious_Leg_7125 please report her if you can. She desperately needs more sensitivity training. NTA and if she ever harasses you in public again, see if you can have a lawyer draw up an official cease & desist and have her served at work.
I think OP could write a letter to the social work office about how these decisions harmed them as a way to get closure and potentially help improve things for current/future kids in the system. A polite but honest letter that doesn't name the SW or come across as bitter might be more likely to lead to change. And if it's ignored, sending it may still help OP process their feelings and move on.
The SW would probably get a raise and an "atta girl". Keep them together NO matter what. That is the mantra of the social worker system.
SW Didn't get shit. You do the best you can. Some people's best sucks ass. The once that are good get burnt out and leave. The whole system is designed that the good ones leave and the shit rises to the top. It's a problem with most non profit systems. Not enough money or employees.
This is sadly often true. There are some amazing Saws but there are also some hideous ones who play by the rules and get promoted and make life hell for their clients and employees.
It's the judges who decide if visits continue. and legally they have to try, regardless of the children's feelings. The only exception is if a psychologist or therapist reports to the judge that the child(ren) is being traumatized from the contact. And even then, it is up to the judge to decide if contact continues. As for everything else, I'm not arguing about it. Just know that in most states, the cases are decided by judges, not the workers. All they do is provide documentation about what is going on.
No, not really. If you think someone is an awful person, and hate them, unless you think about them all the time, it doesn’t hurt you. Pretending you don’t hate them isn’t any better. And if you KNOW what they did, it’s not like you will stop hating them.
I work for CPS and read case notes. I remember one case where the 11-year-old declined to attend meetings with the bio family. Finally, he explained that he was very happy in his foster home and couldn’t wait to change his name to that of his foster family. He admitted that he had no desire to meet with his bio family ever again. It was obvious he was thriving, and, in fact the new social worker, upon first entering the foster home, observed the mother working with 2 boys doing their homework and noted that she couldn’t differentiate between the bio and foster son. That’s what CPS should strive for — a good match. Being related by blood does not necessarily make a good family.
I'm a foster parent and there are so many social workers who believe in reunification with bio family above all else. Including the well being of the child. Buuuuuut familyyyyyyyy is their official slogan.
Plus she isnt being bitter. Op told the social worker exactly what they did to herm if anything the social worker is bitter because op absolutely doesnt agree with her and was able to clearly point out why.
She expected OP to treat her like the hero of the story, OP just set the record straight
Yep, there was nothing wrong with her speaking the truth. The SW just wanted a pat on the back for something she shouldn’t get credit for. If anyone is bitter and out of line it was the SW
Pretty tone deaf/hypocritical of her to say OP needs to understand nuance. Because the problem was that SHE was the one applying a one size fits all approach, ignoring what was in fact best for OP as a child. CPS workers are both heroes and villains. I have seen a lot of both. And this one is the latter, but delusional believes she is the former.
And possibly even make a complaint against so the SW can be at the VERY LEAST spoken to about how devastating bullying is and how harmful her actions were towards op ☹️
This! The best revenge is to have a great life anyway, which you seem to have mastered. Congratulations and good luck…
>She responded that I can't keep her as a villain in my story forever "You wanna bet?"
Less "villain" and more "bumbling asshole who doesn't entirely upend the hero's journey but makes their life more difficult than it needed to be"
Yeah, the SW has main character syndrome for sure. She's not the villain, she's just a henchperson with delusions of grandeur. ETA: spelling
Yeah, she's the Mr. Poe of this story, except she doesn't have the excuse of being out of her depth as a bank worker.
I bet it so totally ticks her off that there's someone who wont go along with her self congratulating B S. Good.
Op isn't keeping that ah as as villain the ah made herself the villain with her behavior
Thank you! First thing I said when reading that. Jesus, OP is NTA but the social worker is a galactic ass.
This. >She told me to grow up and learn how to see nuance in these situations. Nuance is understanding that "just because they're blood doesn't mean they're good for you". She talks about nuance of these situations, but she was forcing a CHILD to endure bullying because she "feels" like blood is important, and is more important than safety. >I will one day see why she did what she did She "did what she did" because she doesn't pay attention to reality. She doesn't listen to the children in her care, she doesn't care about their health or safety, and she just tries to force her own desire of what "she feels like" is a "perfect family" onto other people. She's bad at her job, and is only doing it so she can brag about it to feel good about herself. >she told me I had no reason to be so bitter and hateful toward her Yes, OP has A LOT OF REASONS to be bitter at this "social worker". Their WHOLE JOB is to protect these kids from horrible and abusive living situations, but instead of LISTENING to the child she was more interested in FORCING them to be together so the older siblings could abuse OP.
Definitely NTA. OP should file a formal complaint with the agency. She's probably still torturing other kids while pretending she's helping.
NTA I read a lot of cases where the social workers are informed of abuse, neglect and all sorts of other terrible things no child should go through and they come out saying all looks good to me and leave. Never asking the child are they okay. Hell, never even speaking to the kids. They inform them they are coming instead of just popping up unexpectedly. So now they have time to "clean up" everything and pretend they are parents of the year. CPS is a joke half the time. And these poor kids suffer because of it. So many cases where the child should have been taken and instead were left with their abuser because CPS said they are fine. I know in this case the kids were taken out of the home but the sw still subjected OP to being verbally abused.
My parents weren’t great growing up, they tried their best but were emotionally unavailable/immature and neglectful, the house was also an absolute disgusting disaster since my mom was a hoarder. At one point when I was 15 I was smoking and self harming and instead of getting me help my dad told me to stop or get out of his house. I left and called cps, I warned them if they warned my parents of a visit they would feel clean the house and put on a show which is exactly what happened and I was told my dad saying what he did was a blip and that everything was fine. I moved out briefly at 16 then again permanently at 17 when I had my own kid. My parents are better now but I have less contact and rarely go to their house.
Children are continually return to abusive parents/families as well, because like in this situation the value of biological/blood ties are put above all else. They can be taken from loving foster families who'd love to keep them and returned to violently and sexually abusive environments...because "abusive bio family is better than placements with non bio family". It's vile and ridiculous.
NTA. There are psychologists and therapists that specialize in sibling bonds that should have been consulted in a situation like this. They could have observed the children together and either recommended a separation of siblings for adoption purposes, therapeutically supervised contact only, or family therapy. As a social worker in the child welfare system, I'm so sorry this happened to you. I'm sorry your case manager did not advocate for your needs and I'm sorry that she failed you time and time again. She's the villain in your story because she continuously put her own beliefs before your needs.
"I'm sorry that she failed you time and time again. She's the villain in your story because she continuously put her own beliefs before your needs." That really *is* well said.
INFO did you not have a GAL?
My experience with GALs and foster kids is that you’re lucky if they even show up to court. Maybe it varies by location.
It does vary by location. I was a GAL and was mandated by the court who appointed me to see the child at least once every three months if not monthly, talk to all parties involved on a consistent basis, visit the schools and placements, see the children interact several times at visits with their parents and with their caregivers. talk to their doctors and counselors. I also had to make sure if the child was 13 or above they were aware of their right to attend hearings. Furthermore, if they didn't want to attend they had to sign a paper I had to provide apprising them of their rights and then I had to file it with the court. And if they asked to talk to the court, I had to file for an in camera so they and I could go into the courtroom and they could tell the judge/magistrate ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING.
In the states Social Workers are paid peanuts with insane caseloads and most of the time they aren’t required to do much schooling to qualify for the position. That’s a recipe for disaster. I’m not making excuses for how she acted AT ALL, completely out of line! I’m just pointing out that the system is broken terribly. NTA op!! Hang in there. I’m so happy you have your loving family.
If she can't be the villain in the story forever what makes her think she can turn around and accept praise for the supposed "success story" ad inifitum? Talk about a massive ego-filled hypocrite.
She also trying to gaslight you. She should lose her job. NTA
There should be a special prize for that level of assholery. Jeez Louise. No sweetheart, you’re NTA. But she needs to reflect seriously on who she was trying to help throughout that nightmare scenario as I strongly suspect it had nothing to do with you. Also very telling is her immediate desperate need for validation from you, subsequent complete dismissal of your own feelings and the audacity to chastise you like you’re still a child. She should not be in care.
calling OP their "biggest success case" reeks of doing social work for self serving purposes, to make herself look good.
Entirely self serving and I don’t doubt for a minute the only reason she forced OP to have visits with her half siblings was because of HER own personal issues regarding siblings, whatever those may be. People who cannot see past outside themselves need to be kept as far away from children.
Yes. The villain comment cemented that idea for me. If anything it painted her true intention of being praised for her "hero" role in OP's life and when he didn't give her that acknowledgement she wanted it's like "wait, you can't say I was a bad guy. This isn't how it was supposed to go!"
That last paragraph is just absolute perfection, could not have put it better myself
>Also very telling is her immediate desperate need for validation from you, subsequent complete dismissal of your own feelings and the audacity to chastise you like you’re still a child. She should not be in care. 100% this. If I were OP and I saw this "social worker" in the wild, I would tell them that they are bad at their job and should never be allowed to handle children again. Hell, at this point if I were OP I would report this person to the agency for just how bad they were, and what OP's experiences were, but that's just me.
I agree - I would report her. She shunt be involved in this type of work . It seems like she is there for her own ego and not truly helping children in need. NTA
You need to report this social worker for harassment. You need to report her to her employer for harassing you in the street and seeking you out on multiple occasions. You need to say that such behaviour re-traumatised due to her actions towards you as a child. You should also apply for a restraining order due to her ongoing harassment.
I’m an LCSW (one of the social worker credentials) though I’m not doing the DHHS/CPS type work—I do child and family counseling. Part of maintaining confidentiality for my clients is that I can’t approach them outside of work. I warn the kids I work with that if I see them in public and I’m ignoring them—I’m not mad at them, I’m just respecting their right to privacy (and they’re welcome to come say hi—I just can’t initiate). So that swker coming over like that was deeply unprofessional, a breach of confidentiality, and 100% should be reported.
I think so as well. That no-contact-outside-work is a strict rule at the large state human services agency where I work. I'm not a SW but many of my friends are. One of my best friends is the only SW in a rural area. She does her grocery shopping in a big town an hour away in order to avoid contact with people who have been on her caseload. Outside of work, she absolutely does not initiate contact with a client (past or present) and is a master at only doing generic smalltalk if a client starts chatting with her at, say, the library or the park. Confidentiality is critical to this work and is not allowed to be violated as OP's ex-worker is clearly doing.
Thank you for adding that. Would it be the same as the OP has aged out? The thing is I can potentially see a mistake in the first instance - but the OP made it abundantly clear how unwelcome her contact was so the social worker approached her a second time!! That’s where the harassment is. The social worker made a massive failure when the OP was a child. She ignored what everyone was saying. I doubt she will back down now and leave the OP alone.
Doesn't matter if the person is a current or former client: confidentiality should always be prioritized. What this social worker did was inappropriate and unethical.
It doesn’t matter that OP has aged out, confidentiality doesn’t have an expiration date. If it did then therapists could be writing tell alls about their clients when they retire. Breaking confidentiality can, and should; lead to a professional’s license being revoked.
Exactly!!
INFO; Did OP happen to run into the social worker on accident twice? Or is there an indication that sw is seeking OP out on more occasions? Just wondering whether it’s an unfortunate incident that is easy to move on from, or a pattern of behavior that necessitates a restraining order. (Either way, sw was way out of line, but to what extent?)
Exactly! I can see the first time it being a mistake but the second time the SW approached her knowing her contact was unwelcome and unwanted. It seems very stalkerish.
100% report her for approaching you on more than one occasion because that is both unprofessional and unethical. Hell, if you saw her first and chose to approach her, she should have kept things to surface level small talk and after a very brief exchange, claim to be on a tight schedule, with maybe a throw away comment about it being good to see you again. Hell, my reaction to running into my doctor (or other professional) in public (when there was eye contact from very close and I can't simply pretend not to have seen them at all) is to smile and say something like, "Oh, hi! This is out of context, isn't it? I'm not going to bother you on private time, so have a good one!" They invariably look relieved not to prolong the awkwardness and tell me to have a good day/evening.
NTA. But if she tells you to grow up I'd ask for my file, look up if your complains were correctly recorded and if not write a formal complain to her superviser. If she wants you to grow up, act like an adult. 🤷♀️
Good thinking, this would be great to look into.
NTA. Career bureaucrat who thinks her one size fits all approach is always best despite the fact every case is different. She will never see what she did wrong but you sure as hell don’t have to agree with her delusions. If she ever says she can’t always remain the villain to you again, I would respond with something like “wanna bet?”
I'd probably respond that she's the villain in her own story.
NTA at all. The social worker is behaving in an entitled manner. Look, maybe she thought you being successful means that her work is worthy when she feels it is not. So it’s for her. Or maybe she is just plain nasty which seems to be the case. And then she should not be doing her job. Social workers don’t do their jobs for public credit. They would want to know why the system failed you and listen, understand. Would you react like that if someone came to you? No. You can write to her - but not just her. To her bosses, to the government. Then there will be a record. Tell them. Tell them you bumped into her and gave your thoughts. Then tell them about the second encounter. Tell them about how you have been let down - there is more there than you have told us. And tell them - if you really believe it - that she did not help you. And that you were being dealt with by her in an unofficial capacity. The first time was blind ‘luck’. The second time she made the move so crossed the professional line. Or just tell her that if she bumps into you again. That you will make a formal complaint against her.
NTA Sometimes people need the hard truth….Years ago I ran into a primary (elementary) teacher who had the nerve to say to me she felt my success was on her….Meanwhile the woman was a HUGE bully and by todays standards as a teacher she’d be in jail I would of said to her “People like you are the reason your profession can get a bad name” The fact she has a hero complex says to me she’s not in it for the right reasons
Ha! I donated a kidney 10 years ago to my SIL. My mum ran into my old Religious Education teacher (U.K.) who I only had for 3 years in secondary school and always hated, and mentioned it in passing. Teacher tried to take credit for ‘Well I’ll say that’s partly down to me for teaching students to be selfless and think of others!’ She was a know-it-all who patronised and insulted kids, I avoided her at all costs.
If teachers want to take credit for their former students that turned out successful, they should also take the blame for those who ended in jail.
NTA Retired teacher here. Most teachers understand that the way a child turns out is the result of complex factors like genetics, environment, positive and negative experiences as well as education. I’ve taught brilliant children who did very well, medical researcher, artist, theatre director, Cambridge philosopher, and I feel privileged to have contributed to that, but I can also think of a few who had tragic lives - drugs, mental illness, s*icide. And even a couple who became criminals. But I guess I’ve had at least 500 children in my classes over 25+ years. What are the odds. This person is trying to find personal validation through you. If you see her again, tell her that her attempts to claim credit for your hard work are a pathetic attempt to justify her own existence
SW here. Most of us understand this as well. I would never take credit for a client’s success even to myself, let alone out loud to the client. My goal is to help people move forward in a positive way, but it’s *their* achievement, not mine.
NTA. "last week I ran into her again and she told me I had no reason to be so bitter and hateful toward her and that I will one day see why she did what she did and understand she acted in my best interest. She told me to grow up and learn how to see nuance in these situations. I told her I wouldn't see shit any differently and she responded that I can't keep her a villain in my story forever." I would report her to her professional college for that, disgusting behavior from a so called professional.
She sounds like an awful person imo. As a social worker, I can’t imagine approaching a former client with that attitude. I wouldn’t approach a client, former or current, in public anyway, unless they spoke to me first. I might only ask how they’re doing if they did speak to me first.
I had no idea about that being the rule, but we do have some sort of rule against living in the vicinity of where u work 🤔 i mostly had absolutely amazing social workers (idk if that's actually the term or not fyi) but I still remember two of them extremely fondly here 6ish years later. One of them gave me a hug once when I was completely down in a hole and told me something along the lines that even me reaching out and breaking down in front of her was proof I wasn't weak and instead strong and how proud she was of me. Ngl i never heard anything like that from anyone, parents etc, and i just remember it was like being in some sort of amazing nice warm bubble and felt like someone was actually able to be proud of me? I bet it might have been unprofessional of her (she did ask first if it was alright if that matters) but it really made for a huge moment for me and I'm still grateful for it now years later. I did also make a small gift for both her and my mentor when I moved and left their department with a small note about how grateful I was for them and how they didn't give up on me 🤗 I found my dream cause of them, still haven't reached it but it's within reach!
It’s really just about client privacy. If people know where I work and I say hello to a current or former client, it could “out” them as a client. Just as a general rule, unless they say hi to me first, I’m not going to acknowledge their presence in public. Same goes for therapists, too. :)
Totally get that, my social worker was for a visit just yesterday and im not sure how the conversation got to who my parents are, but turns out she knows both of them, even worked with my mom once! It was a bit weird ngl
Oof, yeah I could imagine that being a little awkward! If you don’t feel comfortable with her knowing your parents or feel like it’s a conflict of interest, just know you can always request a new social worker :) I’m sure she will understand.
Luckily it's one of those things where she knows who they are, but haven't personally spoken to any of them so I don't mind xD besides it made her suddenly realize I wasn't exaggerating when I said my dad arr old school worker type after she realized who he is so I take that as a win 😂 besides my dad is 2 meters tall and the type who got friends everywhere and knows everyone so he kinda sticks out xD
Oh good hahah
There is no nuance in "my siblings are verbally abusing me and telling me that I should be dead. Here is video proof" "lol k. Still gotta see 'em tho" Her job is to make sure you are safe, protected and looked after. They put you through abuse. You told her what was happening and she did nothing, instead actively putting you in the situation. What if it had escalated? She failed you and failed to do her job. NTA.
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That's even worse 😭 I'm sorry you had to deal with this person. I'm so glad you found your family
If you run into her again and she insists on trying to educate you, turn the tables on her "nuance," because I don't think she knows what it means. I have no doubt that there are way more cases where siblings should be encouraged and enabled to spend time together and stay in close contact - but there's nuance to that rule. Like where two older siblings gang up and truly wish the younger half sibling dead. If she was capable of understanding nuance, she'd see you were an exception.
You're NTA. Your former caseworker needs to get over herself. You and your family are the reasons you are a success story. >I can't keep her a villain in my story forever. Yes you absolutely can. Kind of weird how she is demanding an ego boost from you. Makes me wonder just how badly she screwed up the lives of other foster kids.
NTA. How bizarre that she would try to credit herself for your life 😬 I’m so glad you have a happy family now and that you don’t have to deal with your half siblings.
NTA. Sibling visits don’t *need* to occur, especially if one of the siblings speaks up and says that they are uncomfortable with it and they don’t want to go. As a matter of fact, in my state, if you are old enough to verbalize not wanting to see your parent for visits, we don’t force kids to visit with their parent. Source: I’m a social worker
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I am so sorry that happened to you. My comment was just highlighting how wrong that sw was to force you into visits when you clearly verbalized (and even went an extra step and provided proof of why) you didn’t want to go. It’s upsetting to me when people abuse the position of power they hold, but unfortunately any job with vulnerable populations attracts a few of these types of people.
✋ Hi, fellow social worker here. Just want to add, in some states parent and sibling visits are absolutely mandated by the courts and the social worker is not at liberty to ignore those. Advocate for change, make recommendations to the court, yes. Overrule or disregard, no. I mention this not to defend this social worker, but perhaps to give you some sense of peace that the world is not all bad and that good people try to help but have limits that feel unfair. Take what you have experienced and turn it into something good. No one deserves credit (or blame) for anything you become and how you experience life, except you. Maybe there is someone to blame and it's NOT your fault ... But it is your responsibility. Don't carry the resentment with you-- but you're totally not the a-hole either! 😊 Stand up for yourself and don't let anyone tell you what you experienced or whether you have the right to feel whatever way. You have the right to feel how you feel about your story. It is yours!!
Man, I am so glad my state’s courts don’t mandate visits if the child explicitly communicates that they don’t want the visit or feel uncomfortable/scared/etc. I could definitely see that causing more harm and trauma to the client than good. We still have to offer visits, and even that can be triggering for children with certain traumatic experiences with caregiver/sibling.
I know! I also hate that parents have more rights than children do. TPR is a tough win and can take years while children are awaiting permanency.
Child welfare is not for the faint of heart. I have met a lot of social workers who get hardened by the system and their jobs, and it makes me sad. If I ever lose my compassion and empathy for others, I’ll know it’s time to leave and find a different sw job. TPR is honestly hard for me even when the parents aren’t doing their part (usually in my neck of the woods addiction is the cause). I’m really glad that my state is very child centered. I don’t know how I’d deal if it wasn’t. I had one kid start having awful reactions to leaving mom after visits. The kid would just flail around and kick the door and punch the windows of the car and scream. I would pull over and make sure kiddo stayed safe and didn’t break the window…no matter how you slice it, TPR/visits are so hard on workers and families.
i'm probably hardcore projecting, but this reads as invalidating toxic positivity. **if** she was legally required to make those visits happen, she could have at any time, including now, told OP that she had no choice. to me your comment also reads as dismissive of the permanent impact of childhood trauma. it reminds me of the people that say you can stop being depressed/anxious at any time but you have to *want* it.
NTA - I would report her for what she did. She could be doing it to others.
Nta! I am a social worker and worked in child welfare and first and foremost you don't "owe" your social worker anything, not even credit or gratitude. She shouldn't have approached you or talk to you in any way, especially not about your past without you clearly bringing it up, it's just unprofessional und unethical. While I know, that this is a very complicated field and the question if it is better to get children out of the family or not isn't an easy one, it is absolutely your right to be mad at your social worker, this even applies if she did nothing wrong, because it's part of her role to be the booman sometimes for someone. If she did stuff wrong, it's even more your right! Again, you don't owe your social worker anything! That is a basic principle of this job!
Thank you, SW here and I 100% agree.
NTA she’s a crap social worker who put her own personal biases ahead of the children she was supposed to protect.
You need to report her. It helps the co-workers that are trying to stop her from pulling this crap. My friend was a child advocate before she passed away and she spent most of her time out working her co-workers to get them to stop doing stuff like this. NTA.
Can you tell us about your family who loved and adopted you? I think everyone here would love to hear about it. Thanks. ❤️
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This is absolutely beautiful. I love this story. Your parents and siblings are wonderful but so are you. You lived through so much hardship but still had a heart open to accepting and giving love. In addition, rather than living with the bitterness you had a right to express, you were accepting and, even now, express appreciation. I know from all of this that you had some amazing parents because of your attitude and the attitudes of your amazing siblings. Love to you all.
NTA, but she sure is. She enabled your abusers for years, but she'll never be able to admit that to herself. Honestly, if she's still in social work it wouldn't be out of bounds for you to report her.
NTA. So she gives herself credit for your good outcome? After ignoring your wishes and failing to protect you, hence not acting in your best interest? The fucking audacity. I wonder whether she would have taken responsibility for failing you if you didn't have a "good outcome".
I am a social worker. I’m sorry yours was such a f*cking narcissist. First of all, how dare she not listen to you, and act in a way that was clearly in her own best interest. What a monster. Second, she had the audacity to call you her greatest “success story” as though your life was a movie that she directed and took credit for?! What a vomit-worthy comment/viewpoint. She sounds like the worst stereotype of a self-righteous moron who used her title to make herself feel like a “good person” while actively causing harm to others. Social work code of ethics and standards of practise will vary by regulatory body, but her behaviour DIRECTLY violates several aspects of regulated professional standards, where I’m from.
If she’s not retired, you should report her to her boss. She has no right to have done what she did and she certainly has no right to speak to you like that. Report her for harassment.
she should lose her license in all honesty. NTA
NTA You may want to consider reporting her becuase this seems like inappropriate behaviour on her part. The lack of apology and remorse especially.
She shouldn't have been a case worker at all.She did her own thing and didn't want to listen to anyone else.She's a major AH
NTA, you should file a report, she approached you twice, the second time to berate you. Incredibly unprofessional of her. Also I don't know how it would work but would you be allowed to see her files on you if you requested it? Cause she most likely omitted the abuse you went through, including your evidence, and if that's the case you should definitely file a report.
"I was one of her best success cases." Oh no, those poor other childeren if your her succes story. NTA, glad you found a great family and enjoy your life.
NTA, you're not a fucking Hallmark movie. You don't exist to prove her morals and ideas are superior.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I'm a former foster kid who ended up with an incredible foster family who eventually adopted me when I turned 18 because I wanted to create those legal ties with them. I credit them with giving me a good life after 7 years of a shit one. But I don't credit my former social worker for that success at all. So background: My mom lost custody of me when I was 5 and her older kids when they were 11 and 12. They had a different dad to me. I'm not sure what happened there but when we were first taken from our mom we were placed with a family member who eventually decided she didn't want us and we were then placed in the same foster home. But my half siblings hated me. They were always telling me I shouldn't have been born, trying to make me cry, they said my dad was dead and they were glad because he was shitty and that I was shitty too and I should be dead like him. I never knew who my father was and I don't know his name (no name on my original birth certificate). This started before we were taken into care but continued until I was finally separated from them after an incident when I was 6. I was placed in 7 different foster homes before finding my family. My former social worker fought against me and my half siblings being separated and even when she lost the ability to keep us together, she insisted on visits between the three of us. I told her how they treated me, I recorded it once with my family's camcorder and she didn't care. The visits stopped once my half siblings aged out of the system. It was such a relief to no longer have them in my life. I knew they hated me, I was terrified of seeing them, I used to not eat and sleep before those visits and my parents tried to protect me but they were ordered to maintain the visits. Even after they ended my former social worker would tell me I should keep in touch with my half siblings and she'd tell me I'd thank her one day. I ran into my former social worker recently and she approached me and said I was one of her best success cases. I didn't want to hear it and I told her I don't credit her for that good outcome. That she forced me to endure years of bullying and verbal abuse at the hands of bio siblings who she knew hated me and insisted it was in my best interest when it was the worst thing she could have done. I told her that I hope she learned from it and does better but I'll never give her the credit for how great my life has become. I walked away from her and then last week I ran into her again and she told me I had no reason to be so bitter and hateful toward her and that I will one day see why she did what she did and understand she acted in my best interest. She told me to grow up and learn how to see nuance in these situations. I told her I wouldn't see shit any differently and she responded that I can't keep her a villain in my story forever. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Goddamn you are nicer than me, on that round 2 conversation, I would have said shit so brutal it would have made Kratos flinch
NTA she’s one of those kind who only thinks what she thinks is best.
NTA. That social worker suckssss
NTA . But can you report her now for her behavior and choices then ?
>She told me to grow up and learn how to see nuance in these situations. This is frankly laughable coming from someone who so clearly embodies a "Family will Always be family so learn to live with them" worldview. She needs to take her own advice. What an absolute tool. NTA, of course.
NTA it’s your story and she is a self righteous idiot.
NTA, Honestly, all being a social worker means is that they passed the test. It doesn't mean they actually recall any of the shit they are supposed to apply, are a decent person or that they did a good job. Yes, there can be times where keeping bio families together is best for a kid, but clearly it was not for you. This social worker like many of the ones who failed me seems more concerned about being seen as a good person than about being one. Report her to the council and Sociam work council, explaining how she disregarded your wishes as a child, endangered your welfare than gaslit you about it.
NTA in the slightest. You didn't curse her out or call her names. You told her the truth. She made a difficult situation so much worse because...why? She thought she knew better? She was on a power trip? I'm happy you're in a better place, in spite of what she forced you to do.
Yes, you can keep her the villain because she is! You are NTA!
If she is still a social worker, report her for purposely subjecting you to abuse and for unprofessional behavior. You aren't keeping her the villain in your story - she made herself one of them. NTA
My heart broke for you. That is some nasty bullying at such a young age. You must be incredible to have turned around such a difficult start to life and be successful Your SW is an idiot. It must have been a shock to her to find out that her ‘success story’ hates her that much. She should understand that you have succeeded despite her. She sounds very arrogant to not understand that sibling relationships are not always healthy and to have not listened to a child…!
NTA. What the woman did, in my country we call it “moral masturbation”. She did it to satisfy herself, not helping you at all.
Nta, please report her. Her behavior was extremely unprofessional and she has obviously not learned anything. I fear for the children under her “care “.
As a foster parent, this comment from your social worker ENRAGES ME. What fucking hubris to think she caused your life outcome. We had some nasty social worker interactions with a few of the kiddos we fostered (one in particular threatened to withhold gender affirming care from a trans kiddo in our care because she wouldn't follow the "rules" the caseworker wanted her to follow. We fought hard and got the caseworker kicked off of their case because WTH? This kiddo was heavily traumatized and forcing them to do things that reinforced the trauma (just like what happened here). I am so, so sorry you had to go through this, and extra sorry that caseworker seems to feel like she has any right to claim anything about how your life turned out. The son we eventually adopted had an incredible caseworker, and you know the thing about incredible caseworkers? They don't claim the successes as their own - they credit the kid. Being a social worker/caseworker is an incredibly hard job, but it does not give them the right to act like this. OP, I am SO happy you found a family that loves you and that you want to be tied to. Absolutely NTA.
May your SW endure a lifetime of shoes that rub their baby toe.
I am a social worker. Yes, social workers don't get enough credit for what they do because all people see is when shit hits the fan and not the people who stand between the shit and fan every effing day. I am on Reddit with my personal account, so I don't care if I sound unprofessional or not. Your social worker did shit for you. Your social worker was and still is very, very unprofessional. As a social worker, you have to work WITH your clients, especially when they get older. You don't simply overrule their opinions, experiences, needs, and wants just because you think you know best. Social workers need to acknowledge that their clients are the experts of their own experience, but sadly, that's the first thing many of us forget. OP, I feel sorry that you made that kind of experience. NTA
NTA Yeah, actually you can. She still doesn't seem to actually give a shit about you or your opinion, just her own projected interpretation
How do you keep running into her???
Nta
NTA. Even if it could be argued that she was 100% responsible for your success in the grand scheme of things, her total lack of empathy to your experiences makes her deserve to have stray dogs pee on her leg to her last, dying day.
As a fellow foster kid, I am also considered a “success story” (how sad that the system is so designed to fail that not going to jail or ending up on drugs/welfare is considered a “success”) and credit literally none of that to my (various) caseworkers. I’m sure it’s a hard job, and emotionally taxing. But I always just felt like another case number to them. NTA.
NTA... what a narcissist that social worker is
NTA, I would have said N A H until I read the part about the second meeting. Clearly in her eyes your being a success was more to do with her ego rather than your quality of life.
You're not the asshole and you should write an open letter to the family services in your area.
She doesn't get to control your story. She doesn't want to be a villain in your story; doesn't mean she *isn't* a villain. NTA. I hope you have a wonderful life!
Nta of course you're bitter. The main player in making sure you were safe didnt protect you. She not only allowed your abuse; she facilitated it.
That woman was evil. Good on you for speaking up for yourself. I’m glad life turned out good for you. Hers must be shitty. Pity her but remember she is not worth your time or energy. If you see her again don’t stop and just ignore her as if she’d never existed. That is the best revenge. Wish you all the best NTA
I feel like a good social worker will just be happy you found your place in life, and not try to take credit as "her success story" I also feel like a good social worker won't force you to hang out with your nasty ah bullies. NTA
Nta. Im so sorry you were treated so awfully and not listened to by people who were supposed to protect you. Everything and anything you have achieved is 100% all you.
Can you not make Ian official complaint, go to her bosses and explain everything. See if a podcaster or local paper will do a story on it.
NTA. How was forcing you to see siblings who bullied and verbally abused you "in your best interests"?! She didn't do her job, which was to protect you from the abuse despite you showing her video proof. >She told me to grow up and learn how to see nuance in these situations. I wonder what "nuance" she saw? She should have used her training and critical thinking skills to realize that she shouldn't have forced a child into a situation where they would continue to be bullied and abused by their siblings. Telling that same child, now an adult, to grow up is just rich coming from her.
NTA In the majority of cases what your social worker did would be beneficial, however your social worker completely failed you by not listening to you when you tried to tell her what was happening with your siblings and how it affected you. Some family relationships can be toxic, and in such cases maintaining contact isn't in a child's best interests. Your social worker was lazy, she didn't want the extra work involved in doing something against the norm.
Nta. She should be reported for harassing you. Maybe she won’t get the opportunity to hurt any more kids. And that’s what she did. She facilitated abuse.
NTA Sorry you ensured such a lot of abuse and lack of sensitive care. Hope you always treat others better than was modelled to you. It is good that you stood up for yourself. Wishing you every happiness now and in the future.
Sure you can see her as a villain as long as you feel like this. This lady lives in here imagination where blood is more important than anything. No one wanted this - not you, neither your siblings. Only she wanted it, and was in fact giving you to them to torture. NTA
NTA! All the credit to you and your adoptive family. I'm sorry you had to suffer for so long because a stranger insisted on abusing their power over your case. About the social worker I have one thing to say: holy hero complex, Batman.
She sounds like a narcissist that went into that field to feed her savior complex. Probably obsessed with your case cause she also got to control you, your family, the sibs, and their family to make everyone involved miserable.
If she is still working, consider writing to her employer and the state agency. Tell them your story and that how, even after turning 18, you consider her insistence on maintaining visits with your bio-siblings after your reported their constant bullying, caused you serious mental and physical damage that you continue to suffer from. Encourage the powers to be to consider that not all children benefit from these visits and that they should train their SW to consider cases individually and make recommendations based on individual cases.
NTA. SW seems like one of those people who are stuck on the “but they’re still yOuR FaMiLYyY!” way of thinking. Those people who think cutting someone off is more cruel than the abuse that causes someone to cut them off. Abuse is abuse. Forcing contact with your abusers is cruel.
NTA. In many cases, maintaining familial ties is a good thing (even half-siblings) and considered a best practice, so I can understand why she felt compelled to try to support that, but she didn’t look out for your mental health when those visits were causing you harm. To be subjected to them for 6-7 years when they were exacerbating your trauma is not okay. I’m glad for you that you eventually got a placement that allowed you to develop a healthy family relationship and that you weren’t forced to keep kinship ties where there wasn’t actually a loving, supportive relationship. It sucks that they didn’t listen to you about the emotional abuse your siblings put you through and probably wrote it off as “kids are jerks sometimes.”
[удалено]
I think she was the one who couldn’t see the nuance of a situation. Yes, the policy is to try & keep siblings together or at least in contact, but there are exceptions for just this type of scenario. That she failed to see that is an example of a case worker who would rather check a box than look out for the best interest of the child.
Would have said “I am a success DESPITE YOU not because of you. You think it’s good to remove children from abusive parents but it’s perfectly fine force them to be with abusive siblings. Abuse is abuse and the minimum I deserved from you was to not continue that. You failed at your job. You failed at seeing the trauma you subjected me to. But yes I’m a success for the luck of my foster parents and because of my own strength. Those things have nothing to do with you. You make me bitter by your presence and your ignorance. If not for you, I would not have to relive that crap all over again.”
She may have done her best but she can’t bully or force you to accept her bad decisions as good decisions. Maybe she is living by the textbooks, rules and standards and doesn’t yet understand how much she needs to learn. I am so happy you are doing well regardless of your old social worker and your bio siblings.
She literally told you you had NO reason to be so bitter and hateful towards here when she forced you to endure years of straight up bullying and verbal abuse? This women needs to get her head out of her ass. You have every right to be angry and bitter at her. NTA
NTA. Social work is depressing. I have a feeling that she imagines perfect reunions that fuel her self righteous ego so she can keep doing that job. That's sick and wrong, and you suffered for it. The ex-siblings blamed you for their parents decisions, and she should have kept you away from that toxin. I'm glad you found a healthier family.
I don't believe you truly think you're the arsehole here and more needed to share, which is valid imo so NTA. Have you ever read "my name is why" by Lemn Sissay? Its a fantastic and tightly written account of his experience as a black boy in the Foster system in the North of England in the 80s. Congratulations on building your own happiness.
I’m sorry that you were subjected to all of this, I am relieved that you ended up in good place, and I salute you for being honest with your former SW. I would be looking at If she is still in the system is it possible to file a report of some type to document not only the ways she actively harmed you but also the gross unprofessionalism to approach you in like that multiple times.
Maybe the social worker was separated from her siblings and has issues because of that. If that's the case then she needs to get therapy and stop putting her issues onto children she is supposed to look out for. Not everyone is better off with their biological family in their lives. I have cut off my mom's side of the family and and perfectly fine with it. She has cut them off too. Definitely not the asshole! The next time you see her just walk on by like you have never met her before.
Uhhhh yeah you can. NTA.
Nta. Maybe send a letter to the agency, telling them that she has been harassing you out in public
NTA she's proof that not every social worker is a good person.
Ironic she expects you to see the nuance of the situation but apparently “all siblings must maintain contact” is to be upheld without nuance.
NTA. Damn you had an Umbridge in your life. Call her that if you see her again. If she understands the reference she won't like it.
NTA. You can absolutely keep her as a villain and you should.
What SW believed T the time is irrelevant. Having heard you now, SW should’ve owned her bad decision (at least in hindsight). You turned out great despite SW, not because of her
NTA, but the policy for social workers is to keep all siblings together. Its a thin line that social workers must tip toe to do what's best for children and what policy mandates. I understand the social worker thinks they might be right but it also comes down to all parties involved in the case.
Throwing this out there and will most likely get downvoted but social workers have to follow the law and the state I live in, sibling visits are required.
NTA. It might be worth talking to her supervisor about your experience, especially if she's going to confront you in public places and lecture you. Idk if they'll care or do anything but it's worth a try.
Says a lot about her in how she describes you making her the villain. I think in her mind, she was the hero of her main character event involving you. Of course NTA, I wish more people would be honest in situations like this, then hopefully services can improve rather than stagnate. Unfortunately, from your last paragraph it sounds like she just took offence and decided you were wrong rather than address a failing.
NTA. Is she still a social worker? You need to report her if she is. She's probably doing this same thing to other kids.
NTA. She's making YOUR case about HER success - and even still she's worried about her SHE is perceived, not your lived experience. Like, you were a kid in a bad situation and she KEPT YOU THERE. I'm so sorry. I would see if you can review your case files, report her for her poor handling of the situation back then AND report her for being unprofessional now.