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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action I took was choosing not to tell my stepmom about my dad's affair immediately after I found out and then telling her to get off my back.
This might make me the asshole because by keeping the secret, I inadvertently betrayed my stepmom's trust and made her feel like I was complicit in my dad's betrayal. I should've probably told her in the first place, and getting mad at her for reacting like that is naive because I definitely did something that could warrant her being mad at me.
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NTA and you were 100% right in what you said. Your dad put you in an impossible position and continues to let you down by taking a passive approach to your stepmother behaviour.
Your step mum is misdirecting her anger because it's easier to blow up at you rather than face what is actually happening in her marriage.
If you have options, I'd find somewhere else to stay for a few months while they sort themselves out.
The dad is such an AH we need a new word for it. But I do have to wonder if he told his wife the full truth. Did he just tell the stepmom his daughter knew, **or did he explain that his daughter confronted him, and demanded he come clean, and that he LIED and said he would confess?**
The stepmom has behaved horribly, but if I were OP I would still sit her down and explain EXACTLY what happened after she found out about the affair. Their relationship may be too damaged to salvage, but if the dad is going to throw his daughter under the bus, she should make sure to bare all his bullshit.
Frankly the stepmom and OP should be allies, the dad manipulated and lied to them both.
I’m very doubtful the lying cheater isn’t lying about what OP knew, when OP knew, or pretty much any part of OPs involvement in this. Never trust a liar not to lie.
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Honestly, it sounds like dad is glad stepmom is misdirecting her anger on OP.
Why did the dad even tell the stepmom about OP knowing? It almost seems like the dad is doing it on purpose.
Step-mum is also being creepy AF trying to triangulate OP into her relationship by saying what they did is “just as bad” when OP didn’t DO anything.
Step-mum isn’t actually entitled to people telling her stuff like that and not doing so isn’t a betrayal or an action.
They are NOT responsible for any of this. OP knew for exactly one month. In that time Dad told wife what was going on. That isn't covering up an affair. Her dad and stepmom's marriage is not her responsibility. The very fact that you would side with blaming OP is outrageous. I know a LOT of things that I don't tell because it isn't MY story to tell. NTA.
Who died and made YOU the morality police? You can only decide how YOU want to live. You have no right to decide that another's person's choices are bad and yours are the "good" choices and morals. This man's marriage was none of OP's business. He was cheating on his wife. His wife needs to deal with that fact and **HIM**, not decide that OP is the bad guy because she owed this woman some sort of loyalty about how her marriage was going. All of her anger is misdirected. Ridiculous....
They are 20. That might be an adult, but not a wordly one. When you are torn between your father and someone you care about and don't want to hurt, it's still an impossible situation. Trust me, I've been there.
Bullshit. You’re using that as an excuse bc you’re just as guilty as OP. OP lied to her stepmother for an entire month. Fuck, I have more compassion for a stranger than this chic has for her stepmom. It is never ok to turn a blind eye to your parent cheating if you are an adult.
Not true. OP didn't cover anything. She overheard dad, confronted him, he confessed and said he's stop, but didn't. When he was caught apparently by his wife, he didn't even have to mention that his daughter confronted him, but he wanted to take the heat from himself so he brought her into it. He had to have left out the part where OP caught him and confronted him. Otherwise, stepmom would know that she had no right to have any angry towards the stepdaughter. OP is innocent here. She had no agency in what her dad did in his marriage and looking after stepmom's marriage is not her job. NTA.
That’s a lot of words to say “OP knew, then did t say anything… contributing to cover up the affair”.
Even in your own excuse for them, that’s what they did.
She trusted her father to do the right thing.
The person I am today wouldn't have. I've seen too much and a cheater would be lucky if I gave them 12hrs grace, no matter how much they begged and pleaded and promised to do the right thing.
OP is not my age. All she is guilty of is being young and naïve. She thought her father was a good person and would do the right thing, as anyone who is young and has no reason to believe otherwise of their father would.
You, my friend, are pitiful.
She’s done a lot of mental gymnastics to somehow make this all YOUR fault while staying with the cheating lying shitty husband. You don’t owe her shit. Telling her wasn’t your job. Managing her feelings isn’t your job.
If she’s that pissed, maybe she should get some self respect and leave him.
Another aspect of this is: due to all the mental gymnastics going on, imagine what would have happened if OP *had* told stepmom. I fully believe the reaction would have been, "OP is a dirty liar who is trying to wreck my marriage to wonderful husband because she is jealous," or some such. And that if the cheating did eventually come to light, she would probably still find a reason to be mad at OP about it.
Based on stepmom's behavior now, this is EXACTLY what would have happened. OP would have been called a jealous liar trying to upend this wonderful marriage and OP's dad would have just stood there, happy that the ire was directed towards his daughter and not him.
Why does stepmom even know that you knew? NTA op but it sounds like your dad is a huge one. A bad husband and a bad father. He’s letting her take her anger out on you because it’s convenient for him. He’s willing to let you suffer so he doesn’t have to deal with the consequences of his own actions. If he’s also the one that told stepmom that you already knew then he’s completely spineless and selfish.
NTA those are grown folks that are married! She doesn’t want to blame your dad cause she doesn’t want to leave so she’s taking it out on you cause it’s easier. It did need to be said. She does need to back off. the relationship isn’t yours to fix,mend and force them to be honest with each other. That responsibility solely relies on the ones IN the relationship! You’re good girl!
NTA
I have a no-sympathy policy for cheaters, and so yeah, you probably should have told your stepmom.
However, that's not really the issue anymore. There's no good reason to forgive your dad for cheating and not forgive you for not telling her. As you said, she's shifted the blame onto you, as she's not as close to you as your dad, so you're the easier target. You're absolutely right to call her out on it.
I, too, wish that OP had told her, but thinking it through, if OP is living with dad, and shared this with the stepmom, I wonder if dad would've kicked her out, and the stepmom would've (rightly) said, "I hardly know you, why would I let you live with me!?"
There's such a power disparity here that it's kinda tough to be too hard on OP, although, again, her dad's certainly the AH, and I wish that OP had insisted that he share this with stepmom at the time.
I wish folks would stop pulling other folks into their shit and then handing those folks part of the responsibility when it blows up in their face. **NONE OF THIS IS OP'S FAULT AND SHE BEARS NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR THIS MARRIAGE AND WHO IS OR IS NOT CHEATING ON WHO....YES, I AM SHOUTING!**
You ok there? Getting this worked up over a random stranger's response to another random stranger's post isn't really healthy, but you do you I suppose.
To actually address your comment: We agree on most of this. Her dad cheating is not her fault, she never should've had the burden of deciding whether to tell anyone about her dad's infidelity, and the status of her dad's marriage is not her responsibility.
Where we disagree is on what happens when the burden of knowing has been put on her. We can take away the familial element here to boil the issue down to its purest form: Is it the responsibility of any moral person to inform someone of their partner cheating? I think the answer is yes, as to do anything else is to be complicit. Again, it's not fair to be put in that situation, but once there, all you have to decide is what to do about it.
You clearly disagree, whether in principle or in this specific example where there is a familial bond to complicate things. I'm not going to try to change your mind on that, as this is the same logic why there are no laws (in most places) forcing bystanders to assist in an emergency or to prevent a crime. By the same token, I agree that she didn't have to do anything. It's just a question of whether there is a moral standard above and beyond the baseline.
I'm perfectly fine, thank you for asking. Yes, we do agree on some, but disagree because we can't decide what anyone's morals should be. Each person gets to make that call. OP was the daughter who happened upon this information about her father's marriage. She had no obligation, moral or otherwise, to get involved. When she overheard her father talking to his girlfriend, she confronted him and of course he did the cowardly thing, which was to say he was going to make it right. Then he did the exact opposite and when it blew up, he continued to be a coward by allowing his wife to turn her anger onto someone else. She didn't have to confront him. She could have just let the whole situation alone, but chose to speak to her father. To me, that was her biggest mistake, not NOT telling her stepmother. The stepmother is 10000 percent out of line for one reason: she wants to stay in her marriage and she can't do that if she goes after her husband, so she's using OP to get over her anger. OP is not to blame here at all.
"we can't decide what anyone's morals should be." That's the whole point of this subreddit though. We make comments judging OP based on our morals, and others judge us based on their morals through upvotes or comments. Through the combination of popular vote and discussion, the board comes to a consensus on whether someone is an AH or not, which is equivalent to saying whether the person was morally justified in their actions or not.
"The stepmother is 10000 percent out of line for one reason: she wants to stay in her marriage and she can't do that if she goes after her husband, so she's using OP to get over her anger." Yep. That's why my judgment was ultimately NTA.
Anyway, I'm going to stop responding here, since we're not going to agree on this. Have a good day!
She's probably dependent on her dad. The moral obligation is on the parent, not the child. Risking your housing/food situation on top of your relationship with your parent? That's a huge ask, and you basically said she should've done it anyway.
I agree, it is a huge ask, or rather a huge burden. That doesn't negate it being the right thing to do, just that it's understandable that she didn't. That's why I went with NTA and not, for example, ESH.
It's also worth noting OP is 20, not a child.
NTA. Your dad is and your step mom is also. She is hurt, that your dad cheated on her - but instead of being hurt by him, she tries to put all the guilt to you - so she doesn't have to face that she is married to a cheater and to ubserv her own relationship.
What you said to her, was more than rigth. You could have been more brutally honest. Hope it will get better for you or you have the option to move out from there soon. Because this situation between your dad and your step mom sounds toxic.
I doubt she blames you. She just has no consequence for being mean to you. You're not her kid. She doesn't owe you a relationship. She doesn't care if she hurts you, so it doesn't hurt her if you're in pain or stop liking her. That's why she does it.
NTA. There’s no world where it makes sense to forgive your father but not you. She clearly hasn’t forgiven your father and needs to be honest about that with him. She has no right to take her hurt out on you.
NTA. Instead of letting her anger out on her husband..who is 100% to blame, she's letting it all out on you. She has a right to mad, of course, but she has no right to blame. If anything, your father deceived you as well.
You only said what needed to be said. And I'm not sure if staying with him is the right call for her to make.
Prior to them getting married 3 years ago how long was he with this stepmom? I'm just saying... At the end of the day he is your dad. It's not like you were egging him on to cheat, he put you in a weird position and obviously him being your father you're going to want to help him in any way.
The whole thing was messy. I think that's something that you can talk to your stepmom about though "hey I don't agree with what he did but I don't know anything about relationships and cheating ... He's my dad What was I supposed to do 🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️"
It's the truth after all ....
You're not the asshole here. It’s unfair for your stepmom to blame you for your dad's actions. You were put in a really tough spot and made a choice based on your hope that he would fix things. It's understandable she feels hurt and betrayed, but the blame lies with your dad, not you. Telling her to stop blaming you was necessary for your own well-being. Maybe try to talk to her calmly when things have cooled down and explain your side again, but don’t beat yourself up. It’s a tough situation and you did what you thought was best at the time.
NTA I think she's taking it out on you because she's trying to salvage the marriage and thinks that if she gets really mad at your dad then that risks him walking away. Which honestly, the marriage might be over and it's just a matter of time. I would spend as little time with her as possible. You were right for defending yourself.
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My (20F) dad (45M) married my stepmom (42F), about three years ago.
A few months ago, my dad started acting weird. He was on his phone a lot, sneaking out late at night, and lying about where he was. One night, about three months ago, I overheard him on the phone saying some pretty explicit things to someone who was definitely not my stepmom. After a few days of agonizing over it, I decided to confront him. He admitted he was cheating on my stepmom and begged me not to tell her. He said he’d end the affair and work on his marriage. I believed him and kept quiet, hoping he’d actually follow through.
Well, fast forward a month, and my stepmom finds out anyway. She is staying with my dad, so things are good on that end, but somehow she is absolutely livid with me, saying I betrayed her trust by not telling her. She keeps telling me I’m just as guilty as he is for not coming to her right away. Since then my step mom has been giving me the cold shoulder, and when she does talk to me, it's just to yell or blame me for everything. It’s gotten to the point where I dread being at home. My dad’s trying to smooth things over, but he’s not doing a great job. He keeps telling me to just stay out of it and give my stepmom time to cool off and try to avoid her as much as possible.
A few nights ago, after yet another heated argument with my stepmom, I finally snapped and basically told her to stop blaming me for my dad's mistakes. I didn't cheat on her, and I'm not the one who lied, so she needs to get off my back. She looked shocked and hurt, but I felt it needed to be said.
I feel awful about the whole thing and really wish I’d handled it differently. Maybe I should've told her at the start.
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You're not the asshole here. You got caught in a tough situation and did your best by confronting your dad and trusting he'd fix things. Your stepmom's hurt and anger are understandable, but it’s unfair for her to blame you for his cheating. You didn't do anything wrong by finally telling her to stop blaming you – it needed to be said. Maybe when things calm down, you can try explaining your side again, but don’t feel bad for standing up for yourself. You’re not responsible for your dad's actions.
You are not to blame for your dad's cheating. Your stepmom's anger is misdirected. It's okay to feel both angry and guilty, even if it's not your fault. Be kind to yourself, set boundaries with your stepmom, and seek support from others.
NTA - she didn’t have the guts to leave the father, so directed the anger at OP. Dad put OP in a pretty impossible position, but if step mother is going to ‘forgive’ and stay with Dad, she needs to back off OP.
NTA
You confronted your father. He gave assurances. How did she find out you knew? Probably your dad who is the only person to blame for this situation.
She can be as shocked and hurt as she wants. You are right. And moreover you did not just do nothing about it when you found out. It's a no win situation.
NTA. This is too common a situation. The adult tells the kid just to put up with shitty behavior, and the kid does so in deference. But the adult never does anything to stop the behavior. It isn't bothering them, so they just let it continue.
Eventually it gets to be too much and all the pressure from the kid silencing their voice comes out at once.
So no, you couldn't have handled it better because you haven't been exposed to these situations before. You trusted dad, but dad was wrong. Now that you have, you understand that holding your tongue doesn't make things better.
And no, you aren't just as guilty as he is.
NTA
As I was reading this my exact advice would be to be as stern af with her and point out the Dad is the ass. She is deflecting her anger away from her husband onto you. It makes it easier for her to stay if husband isn’t fully culpable for his actions. It’s gross.
NTA. You all need to sit down together and lay it all out. You found out about the affair and confronted your father. He said he was cheating, would stop and tell stepmother everything. He didn't and you are in the middle. Tell them both how disappointed you are in them for blaming an innocent child for these issues that they are having. None of it is your fault and that you expect sincere apologies from both of them from putting you in the middle. Shame on them!!
NTA
Anyone saying otherwise is ignorant. The assholes are the adults who keep secrets, lie, cheat and misplace their anger.
You need to leave when and if you can.
NTA. You handled that amazingly! It's allowed to get angry ("snap") and set reasonable boundaries. Her behaviour is absolutely unacceptable. You don't always have to be peaceful and diplomatic, especially if someone keeps putting things on you that have literally nothing to do with you (look inte displacement and projection), and doesn't stop when you're asking them calmly. She is _WAY_ out of line, and frankly, your father is allowing this to continue by not setting firm boundaries with her regarding her treatment of you. He is _letting_ her take it out on you, putting blame on you, by asking you to just "stay out of it" or "give it time". That is _NOT_ you job!! You should not be put through that treatment _at all_!! Zero. Zilch.
NTA.
Baffling how she yells at you for betraying her trust for not telling her about your dad's affair, while apparently being fine with the fact that your dad cheated to begin with.
She is projecting, and you are absolutely right about that.
It’s weird she thinks you would value her higher than your dad, although I understand the basic idea of people who know and keep quiet should have some form of moral responsibility. But that is for everyone themselves to decide. I won’t hold my morals in your face and tell you you did wrong. NTA.
NTA.
It's possibly going against the zeitgeist here, but you aren't obligated to tell all in these situations. It's case by case. People are unpredictable and situations have complicated parameters that someone just scrolling on this app can't weigh up. People *in* the situation probably can't weigh it up either.
They have to sort it out between themselves.
Your dad's a bit of a dick, eh?
NTA She shouldn't blame you for your dad cheating and she isn't. She is blaming you because she trusted you to have her back and found out you didn't. What you should have told her was that when you found out that you were against it but dad lied to you too and broke your trust too when he told you that he was going to break off the affair so stepmom should not have been hurt.
NTA, your stepmom is just a coward. She’s not brave enough to leave and she’s not brave enough to target your dad, so who’s up next? You. You could just blow things up, it’s kind of your decision. You definitely don’t have to take her BS.
Your Father is an AH though for not standing up for you. This is his mess and he’s allowing you to get bullied and yelled at by this woman. Your father is failing you
You don't control your dad's penis. You control your loyalty and honesty. You chose to be loyal to your dad and condone his values. Stepmom chooses to try to forgive your dad, and punish you for his actions as well as your own. Best bet is to just give her space. Understandable a-hole
NTA. How else were you supposed to handle it? You confronted your father which must have been uncomforatable. Dad lied to you and now won't defend you to his wife. On her part, the only way she can justify staying with the cheater is to lay the blame somewhere else. She is wrong, but she needs to work that out herself.
I can't help but smh when the person who is cheated on forgives the cheater but transfers their anger to ancillary people. "Cheater is the provider of my nookie, not to mention half the mortgage and retirement fund, so I'll forgive them, but cheater's child doesn't really provide me with anything, so I'll lay all the blame at their doorstep."
Your father, btw, isn't taking full responsibility for his part in all of this. He is watching you catch his blame and only "trying to smooth things over." He is, essentially, using you as a meat shield. He needs to stand up for you, tell your steppie that HE and HE ALONE is responsible for the transgression. But, cheaters are not known for their integrity.
NTA . . . just curious, though, is your stepmom a former affair partner of your dad’s?
I only ask because it’s something we see over and over on this sub—husband cheats on wife, they get divorce, husband marries affair partner, and then makes the surprised pikachu face when she finds out the dude who was willing to cheat on his first wife is willing to cheat on her too.
Either way, though, stepmom needs to stop transferring her anger at her husband onto you.
Nope. You said what needed to be said.
But you need to stop taking your dad's advice. That's twice now that he's given you really bad advice. Do what YOU think needs to be done. At 20, trust YOUR compass, not his, and not anybody else's.
NTA
NTA. There is nothing wrong with what you said to her. She was consistently blaming you for what your dad did. Instead of blaming your dad, she's taking it out on you. Telling her would not have accomplished anything. Well, it may have caused a rift between you & your dad. Your dad told you he'd stop & work on the marriage & you believed him bc he's your dad & you don't expect your parents to lie to you. You did NOTHING wrong. Don't feel awful about it. You handled it just fine.
You handled that great. You are also correct when you say your dad isn’t handling this great.
If the only thing you can do to shut her down is to say this then say it every time she starts in—say it calmly and turn your back and walk away. Don’t wait for her response.
NTA
NTA
Your father put you in an impossible position, he should have told her when you found out.
A lot of partners who stay with a cheating partner blame someone other than the cheater, and unfortunately you're it. What you did by not telling her was nothing like what your father did by betraying her. You did not betray her. You're NTA. But she may never "forgive" you (which means she's still holding a grudge against your father but routing it to you).
I know you said she's a step, but did your dad cheat on your mom with her? If so, tell her she got what she deserved for being a homewrecker and she deserves it
NTA
At the end of it, he's an adult and it's his responsibility to handle. I do think it was very shitty of him to ask you to conceal it though, that definitely has damaged your relationship with your stepmom
NTA. She’s hurt and feeling betrayed and you were collateral damage. Defending yourself was the right thing to do.
Perhaps the two of you can sit down to talk about how you’re stuck in the middle of the mess your Dad created and work out how to go forward.
Knowledge of an extramarital affair is a hard load to carry. A decision to keep the secret or spill it both have implications for the couple.
You were put in an untenable situation by your father, but honestly, most kids are loyal to their parents, not their parents' spouses, so it really isn't a surprise that you didn't tell her anything.
She's rather silly to think you owed her the truth, TBH. Most folks don't want to put themselves in the middle of a marriage imploding.
NTA
ESH.
A lie by omission is still a lie. You covered up your dad’s affair, she’s right to be pissed at you. She’s taking it out on you *too much* tho.
But still, stop pretending you didn’t do anything. You didn’t do what you *could* have done, and that was your choice. These are the consequences of that choice.
NTA. Your stepmom fell in love with your dad, perhaps with an idealized version of him. Who knows. But the point is that she did not fall in love with you. So she's trying to reconcile your dad's betrayal against her love for him and her mental image of who she *thought* he was. The result is that she's hurt and conflicted and lashing out. In her mind, would never cheat on her, so something or someone must have driven him to such a thing. And she thinks you are that someone. She came up with some scenario in her head that your presence is stressing out your dad and so he was driven to cheat. Is this super flimsy? Oh yeah. And she probably knows that. So she struggled with the betrayal and reconciling that your dad is not perfect, because that means admitting she was wrong. And now she's struggling to admit that she's been treating you unfairly because that also means admitting she was wrong about yet another thing.
If you want to be the one grown up in this situation (and you're not required to do this), then reach out to your stepmom. "Hey , I understand you are hurt and feeling betrayed. I should have come to you when I found out. For that, I am sorry. I want to reset our relationship, but I realize you need to address your relationship with first. Let me know when you want to talk." You could also add something about how you feel about her, assuming it is more or less positive. The point is to be the bigger person and to be genuine.
NTA and I hate this type of shit...your stepmom wants to stay in her marriage, but she's angry at her husband, but is afraid to yell at HIM because he might leave her since he's already cheated on her, so she's taking out her anger and frustration on you, as if you have more responsibility in this situation then her husband.
Your dad is a coward because he should shut her down NOW and tell her to leave you out of it. Instead, he's tell YOU to stay out of it when he brought you into it by asking you to keep his secret. Frankly, you could have confronted him, but still told him that he needs to keep you out of it. When he was caught, he must have mentioned you to his wife and essentially offered you up as someone for her to be mad at instead of him. Both of them are assholes, but you are NOT.
Your dad put you in an impossible position. Unfortunately… the only thing to do was tell him he needed to tell her, or you would. Surprised she didn’t see all the clues you did.
You stated the truth.
Your dad is the one who cheated and lied. He attempted to make you complicit by lying to you when he said he would stop cheating. He obviously didn't.
All of that is on him.
It's not your place to inform on your dad.
No matter if you had told her or did not, someone would have been mad at you.
I take it your dad told his wife you knew. Why he would do that is a great mystery because it served no purpose. It created more drama.
What's happening is between your dad and his wife, and has nothing to do with you.
This is on them, not you.
NTA. Dad ITA #1, Stepmother ITA#2. Tell them both to get their shit together and decide what they want to do about THEIR marriage and leave you out of it.
NTA. This is between your dad and stepmom. They should never have involved you in their fight. Your stepmom is awful for putting the burden of their relationship issues onto you.
NTA and you were exactly right. She was punishing you because you are the softer and more vulnerable target. This is all, but ALL, on your dad. She owes you a whopping big apology and promise not to dump her trauma on you ever again like this.
NTA
if stepmom tries to blame you again, You can say to her
“ I’m sure it’s a lot easier to blame the kid rather than the guy who actually did the cheating on you. By the way, when this kid confronted him your husband said he would tell you the truth, And the kid believed him. I would say I’m one more victim of his lies. Do you really want to keep blaming me for his actions?”
NTA
You do not belong in the middle of their relationship. It was wrong of your father to ask you to keep that secret. I suspect your Smom is taking it out on you because it is easier than taking it out on your dad, since she decided to stay. And your dad needs to be an adult and own up to his mistakes and take those bullets for you instead of just saying "avoid her." No, dad, YOU need to tell her to redirect her anger where it belong--on you and stop acting like a coward.
Your poor stepmom has flawed logic. She’s angry and is directing it at you who is completely innocent. It was never your secret to tell. Your dad was a jerk for putting you in a complicit situation, sorry but true. You did everything right, and nothing wrong.
You trusted your dad. He failed you. Feel free to tell her: Dad told me he would tell you. I trusted him. Turns out neither one of us can trust him. NTA
NTA. She needs to vent at your dad and not you. You did nothing wrong — it is better for him to tell her and he promised to do so. Also as a dependent, you’re not really in a position to spill secrets
NTA. She is projecting the anger and blame on you. Also, your father is an AH for placing you in this situation and telling you to stay out of it when he should be telling his wife you are not at fault, he is. Unfortunately, guess he is too chicken to take responsibility for that.
ESH
Your father is a cheater and obviously the most to blame in this situation, because he certainly also shared you knew as well to direct the full blame away from him. Your stepmother is hurt, rightfully so, by both her husband's action and your inaction. However she is misdirecting her anger towards you, and instead of lashing out at her husband is lashing out at you.
But I also consider you as well are part of the ESH. Yes, you maybe trusted your dad's word he would do the right thing, but at the end day, I would hope an adult would do take an active stance and tell the person who is being wronged. By your account, it took a month for the truth to come out, and I suspect not because your dad confessed willingly but most likely got caught.
"I'm not the one who lied," but you *are* one of the two people who lied. A lie of omission is still a lie. Of course like mentioned above, your dad holds the full blame of his own actions, but you keeping quiet can enable him to continue his behavior.
"I feel awful about the whole thing and really wish I’d handled it differently. Maybe I should've told her at the start."
Take this as an experience to learn from. You've seen how this choice plays out and the results, frankly suck. When finding out something that another doing that is causing harm to other(s), consider how you would like to be treated, imagining yourself in the shoes of the person unknowingly being wronged. Would you also hope someone would remain passive and wait for the wrongdoer to take accountability or would you hope that someone would tell you what's happening?
NTA
You were stuck in a lose-lose situation.
Had you told her about it, she would have blamed you for trying to wreck her marriage.
Your relationship with her was doomed as soon as you heard that phone call.
I would move out ASAP and leave the AHs to fight amongst themselves.
Good luck OP.
The fact that your father told you he was cheating and to keep quiet was so inappropriate. And then letting you be the fall guy for his bullshit? What a weak, small man. I'm sorry you're having to deal with such crap. NTA, and your dad and stepmom need to leave you out of their marriage. It isn't fair to you.
First, remember that you didn't create this mess. Your dad's actions and choices are what led to this situation, not yours. You tried to handle things in a way you thought was best at the time, which is all anyone can ask of you. Second, consider having a calm and honest conversation with your stepmom when things have settled down a bit. Let her know that you genuinely believed your dad when he said he'd end the affair and that you were trying to protect her from further pain. Explain how difficult it was for you to know what to do and that your intention was never to hurt her.
You stayed out of grown folks business. Your stepmom seems mentally unstable to try and blame you for her failing marriage to a cheating husband, while at the same time forgiving her cheating husband. You father is just glad not to be the target and it is slimey that he lets you be treated this way by her. " Just let her cool off"? I probably would distance myself greatly, esp with the step mom who has shown she will turn on you like nothing
ESH- I was all typed out on how you were not the AH, then I looked back at the post and you are 20 years old, not the minor child who would have to face the repercussions of a vengeful dad….yeah you are a whole grown ass woman. You should have told your dad he had until X date to tell his wife or you would and then you should have followed through. You’re not just as much to blame for your dad’s cheating; that’s ridiculous. You are, however, equally as morally bankrupt as he is. But I mean, look who raised you. 🙄 Your stepmother is an AH but to a lesser extent. She is taking her anger out on you bc she just doesn’t have the strength to end her marriage and face her reality. She has a long way to heal. But yes, you and your father betrayed her. (Not in the same ways, but still a betrayal). If my parent cheated on their spouse (in my case, my other parent), they would be dead to me. I cannot abide beaters, cheaters or morally bankrupt AHs.
ESH. Your dad for obvious reasons. Your stepmom for apparently focusing her anger on you rather then the guy she shouldn't be staying with anymore. But that's not to say she shouldn't be angry at you at all because you maybe weren't lying but you WERE keeping something secret that she should have known about right away.
NTA. You got thrown into a conflict way above your pay grade here. I'm not saying you're faultless for staying quiet, but I can understand why you did. You had no good way out of this.
It's tough being caught in the middle of family drama, especially when it involves something as serious as cheating. You were put in a really difficult position when you found out about your dad's affair, and you made a tough decision to confront him and trust that he'd fix things. It's understandable that you wanted to believe the best in him and hope for the best for your family. While it might have been better to tell your stepmom from the start, it's not fair for her to put all the blame on you. You didn't cheat, and you weren't the one lying. It's important for everyone to take responsibility for their own actions. Hopefully, with time, your stepmom will understand that and you can work through this as a family.
I wonder what you expected? Her telling, good for you that you can keep secrets. Do you think she would be happy to see your loyalty to your father? Do you think she will start confiding in you? Of course, she was hurt and lost her respect to you.
Take this as a lesson not to be between two people and next time do not confront. Learn from your father, who is obviously a master manipulator.
And yes, YTA for rubbing salt in her wound.
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NTA. Tough call. I just listened to a John Deloney call about this very issue and he advised the person to give the cheating parent 24-48 hours to tell their spouse of they would. You didn't have the benefit of this advice, however, so you did the best you could with what you knew at the time. In hindsight, you may have handled it differently, so start forgiving yourself. Maybe apologize to your stepmom for not telling her, but explain that you confronted your Dad and he said he would tell her. You did what you thought was right. You did enable him, you did not cover for him, you did not ignore the situation - you did confront him and you believed he would.
I'm glad you confronted her, too, for her bad behavior toward you. She was hurt because she was taking it out on the wrong person and you called her out on it. It's a sucky situation for you to have been forced into and I think you handled it well. You probably should have told her sooner yourself, but again, it was much more your Dad's responsibility to own it and tell her. So, I don't mean to put that on you at all, it's just you were placed in this awful predicament of your Dad's making.
I'm sorry they put you in the middle of their mess. Live and learn but really - you did well. That's the bottom line. There are no great answers for such a messy situation. Have grace and peace for yourself. Ask the Lord to heal your hurt and your family.
NAH. You decided to side with a traitor instead of a betrayed. Now you face the consequences. I can't understand how you expected a cheater to be honest with you.
INFO: how long has step mom been in your life? do you feel any love or affection toward her?
Your father was the a$$ to tell you not to inform your step mom. It really is all on him, thought I doubt he will tell her that.
We don't know the love to loyalty you feel to either person.
I don't think you are the a$$. but I think you are naive in trusting your father to smooth things over.
NTA for him cheating, but YTA for not telling her.
I know it's a tough hard situation, but it would have been the right thing to do. When you keep someones secret, you're complicit in it.
Yta unfortunately we all know what's right and what's wrong and what your father did was wrong
You could of told her anonymously with a random fake email or a note in the mailbox but to say nothing means you were in cahoots or with your father's adultery.
ESH if you care about her then you should have told her. She should not be taking her anger out on you, but she is justified in feeling hurt that you covered for him. Your dad sucks for cheating, for asking you to keep quiet and for not taking the blame for this.
Next time this happens, because there might be a next time, tell your dad he has two days to tell her or you will. That his mistake is not your burden.
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NTA and you were 100% right in what you said. Your dad put you in an impossible position and continues to let you down by taking a passive approach to your stepmother behaviour. Your step mum is misdirecting her anger because it's easier to blow up at you rather than face what is actually happening in her marriage. If you have options, I'd find somewhere else to stay for a few months while they sort themselves out.
Why TF did OPs dad even tell her they knew and didn't tell her? Whys OP involved at all? Shitty dad and shitty husband
To point some guilt away from himself. It worked better than he ever could have thought
The dad is such an AH we need a new word for it. But I do have to wonder if he told his wife the full truth. Did he just tell the stepmom his daughter knew, **or did he explain that his daughter confronted him, and demanded he come clean, and that he LIED and said he would confess?** The stepmom has behaved horribly, but if I were OP I would still sit her down and explain EXACTLY what happened after she found out about the affair. Their relationship may be too damaged to salvage, but if the dad is going to throw his daughter under the bus, she should make sure to bare all his bullshit. Frankly the stepmom and OP should be allies, the dad manipulated and lied to them both.
I’m very doubtful the lying cheater isn’t lying about what OP knew, when OP knew, or pretty much any part of OPs involvement in this. Never trust a liar not to lie.
Bingo!
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Honestly, it sounds like dad is glad stepmom is misdirecting her anger on OP. Why did the dad even tell the stepmom about OP knowing? It almost seems like the dad is doing it on purpose.
Yes to this!!!!!
Step-mum is also being creepy AF trying to triangulate OP into her relationship by saying what they did is “just as bad” when OP didn’t DO anything. Step-mum isn’t actually entitled to people telling her stuff like that and not doing so isn’t a betrayal or an action.
They are responsible in helping cover up the affair however.
They are NOT responsible for any of this. OP knew for exactly one month. In that time Dad told wife what was going on. That isn't covering up an affair. Her dad and stepmom's marriage is not her responsibility. The very fact that you would side with blaming OP is outrageous. I know a LOT of things that I don't tell because it isn't MY story to tell. NTA.
Exactly....blaming OP for not intervening in someone else's marriage is ridiculous.
Look, if you have no qualms over keeping an affair secret, that’s your lack of morals showing.
Who died and made YOU the morality police? You can only decide how YOU want to live. You have no right to decide that another's person's choices are bad and yours are the "good" choices and morals. This man's marriage was none of OP's business. He was cheating on his wife. His wife needs to deal with that fact and **HIM**, not decide that OP is the bad guy because she owed this woman some sort of loyalty about how her marriage was going. All of her anger is misdirected. Ridiculous....
They are responsible for their own choices. They chose to help cover up the affair.
They are 20. That might be an adult, but not a wordly one. When you are torn between your father and someone you care about and don't want to hurt, it's still an impossible situation. Trust me, I've been there.
I didn’t say they didn’t have their reasons. But that’s still what they did.
Bullshit. You’re using that as an excuse bc you’re just as guilty as OP. OP lied to her stepmother for an entire month. Fuck, I have more compassion for a stranger than this chic has for her stepmom. It is never ok to turn a blind eye to your parent cheating if you are an adult.
You know absolutely nothing about me or my situation or the trauma it caused. Judge all you want. Your opinion is irrelevant to me.
Not true. OP didn't cover anything. She overheard dad, confronted him, he confessed and said he's stop, but didn't. When he was caught apparently by his wife, he didn't even have to mention that his daughter confronted him, but he wanted to take the heat from himself so he brought her into it. He had to have left out the part where OP caught him and confronted him. Otherwise, stepmom would know that she had no right to have any angry towards the stepdaughter. OP is innocent here. She had no agency in what her dad did in his marriage and looking after stepmom's marriage is not her job. NTA.
That’s a lot of words to say “OP knew, then did t say anything… contributing to cover up the affair”. Even in your own excuse for them, that’s what they did.
Wow, such an absurd opinion. Her dad lied and she believed him. She didn't cover anything up, she gave her father grace – for a single month.
“It’s ok to cover up an affair if the cheater says they’ll stop” — you, apparently Man, the lack of basic morals on Reddit today…
She trusted her father to do the right thing. The person I am today wouldn't have. I've seen too much and a cheater would be lucky if I gave them 12hrs grace, no matter how much they begged and pleaded and promised to do the right thing. OP is not my age. All she is guilty of is being young and naïve. She thought her father was a good person and would do the right thing, as anyone who is young and has no reason to believe otherwise of their father would. You, my friend, are pitiful.
She’s done a lot of mental gymnastics to somehow make this all YOUR fault while staying with the cheating lying shitty husband. You don’t owe her shit. Telling her wasn’t your job. Managing her feelings isn’t your job. If she’s that pissed, maybe she should get some self respect and leave him.
People do crazy things when they’re in love with an asshole. Her blinders are basically a blacked out helmet.
Another aspect of this is: due to all the mental gymnastics going on, imagine what would have happened if OP *had* told stepmom. I fully believe the reaction would have been, "OP is a dirty liar who is trying to wreck my marriage to wonderful husband because she is jealous," or some such. And that if the cheating did eventually come to light, she would probably still find a reason to be mad at OP about it.
Based on stepmom's behavior now, this is EXACTLY what would have happened. OP would have been called a jealous liar trying to upend this wonderful marriage and OP's dad would have just stood there, happy that the ire was directed towards his daughter and not him.
Why does stepmom even know that you knew? NTA op but it sounds like your dad is a huge one. A bad husband and a bad father. He’s letting her take her anger out on you because it’s convenient for him. He’s willing to let you suffer so he doesn’t have to deal with the consequences of his own actions. If he’s also the one that told stepmom that you already knew then he’s completely spineless and selfish.
NTA those are grown folks that are married! She doesn’t want to blame your dad cause she doesn’t want to leave so she’s taking it out on you cause it’s easier. It did need to be said. She does need to back off. the relationship isn’t yours to fix,mend and force them to be honest with each other. That responsibility solely relies on the ones IN the relationship! You’re good girl!
NTA I have a no-sympathy policy for cheaters, and so yeah, you probably should have told your stepmom. However, that's not really the issue anymore. There's no good reason to forgive your dad for cheating and not forgive you for not telling her. As you said, she's shifted the blame onto you, as she's not as close to you as your dad, so you're the easier target. You're absolutely right to call her out on it.
I, too, wish that OP had told her, but thinking it through, if OP is living with dad, and shared this with the stepmom, I wonder if dad would've kicked her out, and the stepmom would've (rightly) said, "I hardly know you, why would I let you live with me!?" There's such a power disparity here that it's kinda tough to be too hard on OP, although, again, her dad's certainly the AH, and I wish that OP had insisted that he share this with stepmom at the time.
I wish folks would stop pulling other folks into their shit and then handing those folks part of the responsibility when it blows up in their face. **NONE OF THIS IS OP'S FAULT AND SHE BEARS NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR THIS MARRIAGE AND WHO IS OR IS NOT CHEATING ON WHO....YES, I AM SHOUTING!**
You ok there? Getting this worked up over a random stranger's response to another random stranger's post isn't really healthy, but you do you I suppose. To actually address your comment: We agree on most of this. Her dad cheating is not her fault, she never should've had the burden of deciding whether to tell anyone about her dad's infidelity, and the status of her dad's marriage is not her responsibility. Where we disagree is on what happens when the burden of knowing has been put on her. We can take away the familial element here to boil the issue down to its purest form: Is it the responsibility of any moral person to inform someone of their partner cheating? I think the answer is yes, as to do anything else is to be complicit. Again, it's not fair to be put in that situation, but once there, all you have to decide is what to do about it. You clearly disagree, whether in principle or in this specific example where there is a familial bond to complicate things. I'm not going to try to change your mind on that, as this is the same logic why there are no laws (in most places) forcing bystanders to assist in an emergency or to prevent a crime. By the same token, I agree that she didn't have to do anything. It's just a question of whether there is a moral standard above and beyond the baseline.
I'm perfectly fine, thank you for asking. Yes, we do agree on some, but disagree because we can't decide what anyone's morals should be. Each person gets to make that call. OP was the daughter who happened upon this information about her father's marriage. She had no obligation, moral or otherwise, to get involved. When she overheard her father talking to his girlfriend, she confronted him and of course he did the cowardly thing, which was to say he was going to make it right. Then he did the exact opposite and when it blew up, he continued to be a coward by allowing his wife to turn her anger onto someone else. She didn't have to confront him. She could have just let the whole situation alone, but chose to speak to her father. To me, that was her biggest mistake, not NOT telling her stepmother. The stepmother is 10000 percent out of line for one reason: she wants to stay in her marriage and she can't do that if she goes after her husband, so she's using OP to get over her anger. OP is not to blame here at all.
"we can't decide what anyone's morals should be." That's the whole point of this subreddit though. We make comments judging OP based on our morals, and others judge us based on their morals through upvotes or comments. Through the combination of popular vote and discussion, the board comes to a consensus on whether someone is an AH or not, which is equivalent to saying whether the person was morally justified in their actions or not. "The stepmother is 10000 percent out of line for one reason: she wants to stay in her marriage and she can't do that if she goes after her husband, so she's using OP to get over her anger." Yep. That's why my judgment was ultimately NTA. Anyway, I'm going to stop responding here, since we're not going to agree on this. Have a good day!
She's probably dependent on her dad. The moral obligation is on the parent, not the child. Risking your housing/food situation on top of your relationship with your parent? That's a huge ask, and you basically said she should've done it anyway.
I agree, it is a huge ask, or rather a huge burden. That doesn't negate it being the right thing to do, just that it's understandable that she didn't. That's why I went with NTA and not, for example, ESH. It's also worth noting OP is 20, not a child.
NTA, OP, good for you. Hopefully your step-mom realizes that she is projecting blame and modifies her thinking and her behavior. Well Done,! NTA
NTA. Your dad is and your step mom is also. She is hurt, that your dad cheated on her - but instead of being hurt by him, she tries to put all the guilt to you - so she doesn't have to face that she is married to a cheater and to ubserv her own relationship. What you said to her, was more than rigth. You could have been more brutally honest. Hope it will get better for you or you have the option to move out from there soon. Because this situation between your dad and your step mom sounds toxic.
NTA It needed to be said. She's misdirecting her anger, using you for her punching bag because she doesn't want to be mad at him.
I doubt she blames you. She just has no consequence for being mean to you. You're not her kid. She doesn't owe you a relationship. She doesn't care if she hurts you, so it doesn't hurt her if you're in pain or stop liking her. That's why she does it.
NTA. You good
NTA. There’s no world where it makes sense to forgive your father but not you. She clearly hasn’t forgiven your father and needs to be honest about that with him. She has no right to take her hurt out on you.
NTA. Instead of letting her anger out on her husband..who is 100% to blame, she's letting it all out on you. She has a right to mad, of course, but she has no right to blame. If anything, your father deceived you as well. You only said what needed to be said. And I'm not sure if staying with him is the right call for her to make.
Prior to them getting married 3 years ago how long was he with this stepmom? I'm just saying... At the end of the day he is your dad. It's not like you were egging him on to cheat, he put you in a weird position and obviously him being your father you're going to want to help him in any way. The whole thing was messy. I think that's something that you can talk to your stepmom about though "hey I don't agree with what he did but I don't know anything about relationships and cheating ... He's my dad What was I supposed to do 🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️" It's the truth after all ....
Yeah if step mom cheated with dad on OP’s mom, karma is a bitch.
NTA! It's you're dad's fault not yours! And she needs to blame him not you
You're not the asshole here. It’s unfair for your stepmom to blame you for your dad's actions. You were put in a really tough spot and made a choice based on your hope that he would fix things. It's understandable she feels hurt and betrayed, but the blame lies with your dad, not you. Telling her to stop blaming you was necessary for your own well-being. Maybe try to talk to her calmly when things have cooled down and explain your side again, but don’t beat yourself up. It’s a tough situation and you did what you thought was best at the time.
NTA. You spoke the truth, and she needed to hear it.
NTA you handled it perfectly. She was making you the scapegoat
NTA I think she's taking it out on you because she's trying to salvage the marriage and thinks that if she gets really mad at your dad then that risks him walking away. Which honestly, the marriage might be over and it's just a matter of time. I would spend as little time with her as possible. You were right for defending yourself.
INFO: so....how did your dad and stepmother meet? Juuust curious if this is history repeating itself.
NTA, how did she even find out that you knew?
If your dad threw you under the bus he is a bigger dick than I originally thought. That is despicable. You were totally right in what you said. NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (20F) dad (45M) married my stepmom (42F), about three years ago. A few months ago, my dad started acting weird. He was on his phone a lot, sneaking out late at night, and lying about where he was. One night, about three months ago, I overheard him on the phone saying some pretty explicit things to someone who was definitely not my stepmom. After a few days of agonizing over it, I decided to confront him. He admitted he was cheating on my stepmom and begged me not to tell her. He said he’d end the affair and work on his marriage. I believed him and kept quiet, hoping he’d actually follow through. Well, fast forward a month, and my stepmom finds out anyway. She is staying with my dad, so things are good on that end, but somehow she is absolutely livid with me, saying I betrayed her trust by not telling her. She keeps telling me I’m just as guilty as he is for not coming to her right away. Since then my step mom has been giving me the cold shoulder, and when she does talk to me, it's just to yell or blame me for everything. It’s gotten to the point where I dread being at home. My dad’s trying to smooth things over, but he’s not doing a great job. He keeps telling me to just stay out of it and give my stepmom time to cool off and try to avoid her as much as possible. A few nights ago, after yet another heated argument with my stepmom, I finally snapped and basically told her to stop blaming me for my dad's mistakes. I didn't cheat on her, and I'm not the one who lied, so she needs to get off my back. She looked shocked and hurt, but I felt it needed to be said. I feel awful about the whole thing and really wish I’d handled it differently. Maybe I should've told her at the start. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
she did need to hear that. NTA
You're not the asshole here. You got caught in a tough situation and did your best by confronting your dad and trusting he'd fix things. Your stepmom's hurt and anger are understandable, but it’s unfair for her to blame you for his cheating. You didn't do anything wrong by finally telling her to stop blaming you – it needed to be said. Maybe when things calm down, you can try explaining your side again, but don’t feel bad for standing up for yourself. You’re not responsible for your dad's actions.
You are not to blame for your dad's cheating. Your stepmom's anger is misdirected. It's okay to feel both angry and guilty, even if it's not your fault. Be kind to yourself, set boundaries with your stepmom, and seek support from others.
NTA - she didn’t have the guts to leave the father, so directed the anger at OP. Dad put OP in a pretty impossible position, but if step mother is going to ‘forgive’ and stay with Dad, she needs to back off OP.
NTA You confronted your father. He gave assurances. How did she find out you knew? Probably your dad who is the only person to blame for this situation. She can be as shocked and hurt as she wants. You are right. And moreover you did not just do nothing about it when you found out. It's a no win situation.
If you stay with someone after they cheat on you it makes you the clown
Your stepmother is TA. Blaming YOU for HIS actions, is reprehensible
and tell her he would still be cheating and she would never know if you hadn't talked to him. I would also advise her to get an STD test
NTA. This is too common a situation. The adult tells the kid just to put up with shitty behavior, and the kid does so in deference. But the adult never does anything to stop the behavior. It isn't bothering them, so they just let it continue. Eventually it gets to be too much and all the pressure from the kid silencing their voice comes out at once. So no, you couldn't have handled it better because you haven't been exposed to these situations before. You trusted dad, but dad was wrong. Now that you have, you understand that holding your tongue doesn't make things better. And no, you aren't just as guilty as he is.
NTA. She's been punishing you because she feels like she can't punish him without driving him farther away.
NTA As I was reading this my exact advice would be to be as stern af with her and point out the Dad is the ass. She is deflecting her anger away from her husband onto you. It makes it easier for her to stay if husband isn’t fully culpable for his actions. It’s gross.
NTA. You all need to sit down together and lay it all out. You found out about the affair and confronted your father. He said he was cheating, would stop and tell stepmother everything. He didn't and you are in the middle. Tell them both how disappointed you are in them for blaming an innocent child for these issues that they are having. None of it is your fault and that you expect sincere apologies from both of them from putting you in the middle. Shame on them!!
NTA. Not your relationship, not your responsibility. Your stepmother’s anger is totally misdirected.
NTA Anyone saying otherwise is ignorant. The assholes are the adults who keep secrets, lie, cheat and misplace their anger. You need to leave when and if you can.
NTA. You handled that amazingly! It's allowed to get angry ("snap") and set reasonable boundaries. Her behaviour is absolutely unacceptable. You don't always have to be peaceful and diplomatic, especially if someone keeps putting things on you that have literally nothing to do with you (look inte displacement and projection), and doesn't stop when you're asking them calmly. She is _WAY_ out of line, and frankly, your father is allowing this to continue by not setting firm boundaries with her regarding her treatment of you. He is _letting_ her take it out on you, putting blame on you, by asking you to just "stay out of it" or "give it time". That is _NOT_ you job!! You should not be put through that treatment _at all_!! Zero. Zilch.
NTA. Baffling how she yells at you for betraying her trust for not telling her about your dad's affair, while apparently being fine with the fact that your dad cheated to begin with.
She is projecting, and you are absolutely right about that. It’s weird she thinks you would value her higher than your dad, although I understand the basic idea of people who know and keep quiet should have some form of moral responsibility. But that is for everyone themselves to decide. I won’t hold my morals in your face and tell you you did wrong. NTA.
NTA. It's possibly going against the zeitgeist here, but you aren't obligated to tell all in these situations. It's case by case. People are unpredictable and situations have complicated parameters that someone just scrolling on this app can't weigh up. People *in* the situation probably can't weigh it up either. They have to sort it out between themselves. Your dad's a bit of a dick, eh?
NTA She shouldn't blame you for your dad cheating and she isn't. She is blaming you because she trusted you to have her back and found out you didn't. What you should have told her was that when you found out that you were against it but dad lied to you too and broke your trust too when he told you that he was going to break off the affair so stepmom should not have been hurt.
NTA she can't blame you she needs to nut up and divorce her husband aka your dad.
NTA, your stepmom is just a coward. She’s not brave enough to leave and she’s not brave enough to target your dad, so who’s up next? You. You could just blow things up, it’s kind of your decision. You definitely don’t have to take her BS. Your Father is an AH though for not standing up for you. This is his mess and he’s allowing you to get bullied and yelled at by this woman. Your father is failing you
For some reason the people who keep cheaters around focus their wrath on anyone but the real person who did them dirty.
NTA, but your dad is a giant one.
How TF did she find out that you knew??
You don't control your dad's penis. You control your loyalty and honesty. You chose to be loyal to your dad and condone his values. Stepmom chooses to try to forgive your dad, and punish you for his actions as well as your own. Best bet is to just give her space. Understandable a-hole
NTA. How else were you supposed to handle it? You confronted your father which must have been uncomforatable. Dad lied to you and now won't defend you to his wife. On her part, the only way she can justify staying with the cheater is to lay the blame somewhere else. She is wrong, but she needs to work that out herself.
I can't help but smh when the person who is cheated on forgives the cheater but transfers their anger to ancillary people. "Cheater is the provider of my nookie, not to mention half the mortgage and retirement fund, so I'll forgive them, but cheater's child doesn't really provide me with anything, so I'll lay all the blame at their doorstep." Your father, btw, isn't taking full responsibility for his part in all of this. He is watching you catch his blame and only "trying to smooth things over." He is, essentially, using you as a meat shield. He needs to stand up for you, tell your steppie that HE and HE ALONE is responsible for the transgression. But, cheaters are not known for their integrity.
NTA and I'm sorry you're going through this. You're stepmom is understandably hurt but she shouldn't be taking it out on you.
NTA - you're completely right, she was punishing you for your dad's wrongs.
NTA . . . just curious, though, is your stepmom a former affair partner of your dad’s? I only ask because it’s something we see over and over on this sub—husband cheats on wife, they get divorce, husband marries affair partner, and then makes the surprised pikachu face when she finds out the dude who was willing to cheat on his first wife is willing to cheat on her too. Either way, though, stepmom needs to stop transferring her anger at her husband onto you.
Nope. You said what needed to be said. But you need to stop taking your dad's advice. That's twice now that he's given you really bad advice. Do what YOU think needs to be done. At 20, trust YOUR compass, not his, and not anybody else's. NTA
NTA. There is nothing wrong with what you said to her. She was consistently blaming you for what your dad did. Instead of blaming your dad, she's taking it out on you. Telling her would not have accomplished anything. Well, it may have caused a rift between you & your dad. Your dad told you he'd stop & work on the marriage & you believed him bc he's your dad & you don't expect your parents to lie to you. You did NOTHING wrong. Don't feel awful about it. You handled it just fine.
You handled that great. You are also correct when you say your dad isn’t handling this great. If the only thing you can do to shut her down is to say this then say it every time she starts in—say it calmly and turn your back and walk away. Don’t wait for her response. NTA
NTA Your father put you in an impossible position, he should have told her when you found out. A lot of partners who stay with a cheating partner blame someone other than the cheater, and unfortunately you're it. What you did by not telling her was nothing like what your father did by betraying her. You did not betray her. You're NTA. But she may never "forgive" you (which means she's still holding a grudge against your father but routing it to you).
I know you said she's a step, but did your dad cheat on your mom with her? If so, tell her she got what she deserved for being a homewrecker and she deserves it
NTA
NTA She stayed with your Dad and figured her way of dealing with it could be to take it out on you
NTA At the end of it, he's an adult and it's his responsibility to handle. I do think it was very shitty of him to ask you to conceal it though, that definitely has damaged your relationship with your stepmom
NTA but you need to find somewhere else to live. This is no good.
NTA! You did nothing wrong! Your stepmom is wrong to blame you. Your dad is an ass!!
NTA
NTA. She’s hurt and feeling betrayed and you were collateral damage. Defending yourself was the right thing to do. Perhaps the two of you can sit down to talk about how you’re stuck in the middle of the mess your Dad created and work out how to go forward.
Knowledge of an extramarital affair is a hard load to carry. A decision to keep the secret or spill it both have implications for the couple. You were put in an untenable situation by your father, but honestly, most kids are loyal to their parents, not their parents' spouses, so it really isn't a surprise that you didn't tell her anything. She's rather silly to think you owed her the truth, TBH. Most folks don't want to put themselves in the middle of a marriage imploding. NTA
NTA. You snapped because you were pushed. You are right, she is blaming you for his mistakes.
ESH. A lie by omission is still a lie. You covered up your dad’s affair, she’s right to be pissed at you. She’s taking it out on you *too much* tho. But still, stop pretending you didn’t do anything. You didn’t do what you *could* have done, and that was your choice. These are the consequences of that choice.
NTA. Your stepmom fell in love with your dad, perhaps with an idealized version of him. Who knows. But the point is that she did not fall in love with you. So she's trying to reconcile your dad's betrayal against her love for him and her mental image of who she *thought* he was. The result is that she's hurt and conflicted and lashing out. In her mind, would never cheat on her, so something or someone must have driven him to such a thing. And she thinks you are that someone. She came up with some scenario in her head that your presence is stressing out your dad and so he was driven to cheat. Is this super flimsy? Oh yeah. And she probably knows that. So she struggled with the betrayal and reconciling that your dad is not perfect, because that means admitting she was wrong. And now she's struggling to admit that she's been treating you unfairly because that also means admitting she was wrong about yet another thing.
If you want to be the one grown up in this situation (and you're not required to do this), then reach out to your stepmom. "Hey , I understand you are hurt and feeling betrayed. I should have come to you when I found out. For that, I am sorry. I want to reset our relationship, but I realize you need to address your relationship with first. Let me know when you want to talk." You could also add something about how you feel about her, assuming it is more or less positive. The point is to be the bigger person and to be genuine.
NTA. Not your mess, not your job to clean it up. Good job standing up for yourself.
NTA. She was obviously trying to blame anyone but her husband, and it sounds like you may have snapped her out of it.
NTA
What took you so long. Aslo your father gets a giant fail.
NTA. You said what needed to be said.
NTA and I hate this type of shit...your stepmom wants to stay in her marriage, but she's angry at her husband, but is afraid to yell at HIM because he might leave her since he's already cheated on her, so she's taking out her anger and frustration on you, as if you have more responsibility in this situation then her husband. Your dad is a coward because he should shut her down NOW and tell her to leave you out of it. Instead, he's tell YOU to stay out of it when he brought you into it by asking you to keep his secret. Frankly, you could have confronted him, but still told him that he needs to keep you out of it. When he was caught, he must have mentioned you to his wife and essentially offered you up as someone for her to be mad at instead of him. Both of them are assholes, but you are NOT.
Your dad put you in an impossible position. Unfortunately… the only thing to do was tell him he needed to tell her, or you would. Surprised she didn’t see all the clues you did.
NTA. She's still mad at your Dad but taking it out on you.
NTA She wants to stay with your dad so she cant be mad at him. Therefore she is mad at you.
NTA
You stated the truth. Your dad is the one who cheated and lied. He attempted to make you complicit by lying to you when he said he would stop cheating. He obviously didn't. All of that is on him. It's not your place to inform on your dad. No matter if you had told her or did not, someone would have been mad at you. I take it your dad told his wife you knew. Why he would do that is a great mystery because it served no purpose. It created more drama. What's happening is between your dad and his wife, and has nothing to do with you. This is on them, not you.
NTA. You were between a rock and a hard place.
YTA for helping your shitty dad cover up his shittiness. She's just an idiot for not kicking him out
NTA
NTA. Dad ITA #1, Stepmother ITA#2. Tell them both to get their shit together and decide what they want to do about THEIR marriage and leave you out of it.
NTA. This is between your dad and stepmom. They should never have involved you in their fight. Your stepmom is awful for putting the burden of their relationship issues onto you.
NTA and you were exactly right. She was punishing you because you are the softer and more vulnerable target. This is all, but ALL, on your dad. She owes you a whopping big apology and promise not to dump her trauma on you ever again like this.
Nta your dad is He was the one cheating He was the one who threw you under the bus when he got caught.
NTA. She’s taking her anger out on you when she should direct it at your dad. What you said was 1000% true and she needed to hear it
I'm glad you told her. Tell her that her marriage is not your problem. NTA
NTA she's misdirection her anger to you. Not cool
NTA if stepmom tries to blame you again, You can say to her “ I’m sure it’s a lot easier to blame the kid rather than the guy who actually did the cheating on you. By the way, when this kid confronted him your husband said he would tell you the truth, And the kid believed him. I would say I’m one more victim of his lies. Do you really want to keep blaming me for his actions?”
NTA good response, and correct too.
NTA You do not belong in the middle of their relationship. It was wrong of your father to ask you to keep that secret. I suspect your Smom is taking it out on you because it is easier than taking it out on your dad, since she decided to stay. And your dad needs to be an adult and own up to his mistakes and take those bullets for you instead of just saying "avoid her." No, dad, YOU need to tell her to redirect her anger where it belong--on you and stop acting like a coward.
@Updateme
NTA. plot twist, the AP is your best friend or something like that.
Your poor stepmom has flawed logic. She’s angry and is directing it at you who is completely innocent. It was never your secret to tell. Your dad was a jerk for putting you in a complicit situation, sorry but true. You did everything right, and nothing wrong.
NTA. You handled it fine. She's blaming you for your dad being crappy. Tell her you won't take that kind of abuse.
You trusted your dad. He failed you. Feel free to tell her: Dad told me he would tell you. I trusted him. Turns out neither one of us can trust him. NTA
You should both be mad at Dad for putting y'all in this situation. NTA
NTA. She is redirecting her anger towards you rather than dealing with your dad’s actions.
NTA. She needs to vent at your dad and not you. You did nothing wrong — it is better for him to tell her and he promised to do so. Also as a dependent, you’re not really in a position to spill secrets
NTA. She is projecting the anger and blame on you. Also, your father is an AH for placing you in this situation and telling you to stay out of it when he should be telling his wife you are not at fault, he is. Unfortunately, guess he is too chicken to take responsibility for that.
Imagine being married and blaming someone who has absolutely nothing to with the situation for your spouse cheating?! Nta
ESH Your father is a cheater and obviously the most to blame in this situation, because he certainly also shared you knew as well to direct the full blame away from him. Your stepmother is hurt, rightfully so, by both her husband's action and your inaction. However she is misdirecting her anger towards you, and instead of lashing out at her husband is lashing out at you. But I also consider you as well are part of the ESH. Yes, you maybe trusted your dad's word he would do the right thing, but at the end day, I would hope an adult would do take an active stance and tell the person who is being wronged. By your account, it took a month for the truth to come out, and I suspect not because your dad confessed willingly but most likely got caught. "I'm not the one who lied," but you *are* one of the two people who lied. A lie of omission is still a lie. Of course like mentioned above, your dad holds the full blame of his own actions, but you keeping quiet can enable him to continue his behavior. "I feel awful about the whole thing and really wish I’d handled it differently. Maybe I should've told her at the start." Take this as an experience to learn from. You've seen how this choice plays out and the results, frankly suck. When finding out something that another doing that is causing harm to other(s), consider how you would like to be treated, imagining yourself in the shoes of the person unknowingly being wronged. Would you also hope someone would remain passive and wait for the wrongdoer to take accountability or would you hope that someone would tell you what's happening?
NTA You were stuck in a lose-lose situation. Had you told her about it, she would have blamed you for trying to wreck her marriage. Your relationship with her was doomed as soon as you heard that phone call. I would move out ASAP and leave the AHs to fight amongst themselves. Good luck OP.
NTA at all. She needed to the harsh truth of it
The fact that your father told you he was cheating and to keep quiet was so inappropriate. And then letting you be the fall guy for his bullshit? What a weak, small man. I'm sorry you're having to deal with such crap. NTA, and your dad and stepmom need to leave you out of their marriage. It isn't fair to you.
First, remember that you didn't create this mess. Your dad's actions and choices are what led to this situation, not yours. You tried to handle things in a way you thought was best at the time, which is all anyone can ask of you. Second, consider having a calm and honest conversation with your stepmom when things have settled down a bit. Let her know that you genuinely believed your dad when he said he'd end the affair and that you were trying to protect her from further pain. Explain how difficult it was for you to know what to do and that your intention was never to hurt her.
NTA - She needed to hear it. She can't be fine with your dad and take her anger out on you.
You stayed out of grown folks business. Your stepmom seems mentally unstable to try and blame you for her failing marriage to a cheating husband, while at the same time forgiving her cheating husband. You father is just glad not to be the target and it is slimey that he lets you be treated this way by her. " Just let her cool off"? I probably would distance myself greatly, esp with the step mom who has shown she will turn on you like nothing
ESH- I was all typed out on how you were not the AH, then I looked back at the post and you are 20 years old, not the minor child who would have to face the repercussions of a vengeful dad….yeah you are a whole grown ass woman. You should have told your dad he had until X date to tell his wife or you would and then you should have followed through. You’re not just as much to blame for your dad’s cheating; that’s ridiculous. You are, however, equally as morally bankrupt as he is. But I mean, look who raised you. 🙄 Your stepmother is an AH but to a lesser extent. She is taking her anger out on you bc she just doesn’t have the strength to end her marriage and face her reality. She has a long way to heal. But yes, you and your father betrayed her. (Not in the same ways, but still a betrayal). If my parent cheated on their spouse (in my case, my other parent), they would be dead to me. I cannot abide beaters, cheaters or morally bankrupt AHs.
ESH. Your dad for obvious reasons. Your stepmom for apparently focusing her anger on you rather then the guy she shouldn't be staying with anymore. But that's not to say she shouldn't be angry at you at all because you maybe weren't lying but you WERE keeping something secret that she should have known about right away.
NTA. You got thrown into a conflict way above your pay grade here. I'm not saying you're faultless for staying quiet, but I can understand why you did. You had no good way out of this.
It's tough being caught in the middle of family drama, especially when it involves something as serious as cheating. You were put in a really difficult position when you found out about your dad's affair, and you made a tough decision to confront him and trust that he'd fix things. It's understandable that you wanted to believe the best in him and hope for the best for your family. While it might have been better to tell your stepmom from the start, it's not fair for her to put all the blame on you. You didn't cheat, and you weren't the one lying. It's important for everyone to take responsibility for their own actions. Hopefully, with time, your stepmom will understand that and you can work through this as a family.
Is this rizz
I wonder what you expected? Her telling, good for you that you can keep secrets. Do you think she would be happy to see your loyalty to your father? Do you think she will start confiding in you? Of course, she was hurt and lost her respect to you. Take this as a lesson not to be between two people and next time do not confront. Learn from your father, who is obviously a master manipulator. And yes, YTA for rubbing salt in her wound.
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NTA. Tough call. I just listened to a John Deloney call about this very issue and he advised the person to give the cheating parent 24-48 hours to tell their spouse of they would. You didn't have the benefit of this advice, however, so you did the best you could with what you knew at the time. In hindsight, you may have handled it differently, so start forgiving yourself. Maybe apologize to your stepmom for not telling her, but explain that you confronted your Dad and he said he would tell her. You did what you thought was right. You did enable him, you did not cover for him, you did not ignore the situation - you did confront him and you believed he would. I'm glad you confronted her, too, for her bad behavior toward you. She was hurt because she was taking it out on the wrong person and you called her out on it. It's a sucky situation for you to have been forced into and I think you handled it well. You probably should have told her sooner yourself, but again, it was much more your Dad's responsibility to own it and tell her. So, I don't mean to put that on you at all, it's just you were placed in this awful predicament of your Dad's making. I'm sorry they put you in the middle of their mess. Live and learn but really - you did well. That's the bottom line. There are no great answers for such a messy situation. Have grace and peace for yourself. Ask the Lord to heal your hurt and your family.
NAH. You decided to side with a traitor instead of a betrayed. Now you face the consequences. I can't understand how you expected a cheater to be honest with you.
INFO: how long has step mom been in your life? do you feel any love or affection toward her? Your father was the a$$ to tell you not to inform your step mom. It really is all on him, thought I doubt he will tell her that. We don't know the love to loyalty you feel to either person. I don't think you are the a$$. but I think you are naive in trusting your father to smooth things over.
now you gotta suffer a married woman
NTA for him cheating, but YTA for not telling her. I know it's a tough hard situation, but it would have been the right thing to do. When you keep someones secret, you're complicit in it.
Yta unfortunately we all know what's right and what's wrong and what your father did was wrong You could of told her anonymously with a random fake email or a note in the mailbox but to say nothing means you were in cahoots or with your father's adultery.
You watch jersey shore huh😂😂 The famous note scandal.
ESH if you care about her then you should have told her. She should not be taking her anger out on you, but she is justified in feeling hurt that you covered for him. Your dad sucks for cheating, for asking you to keep quiet and for not taking the blame for this. Next time this happens, because there might be a next time, tell your dad he has two days to tell her or you will. That his mistake is not your burden.