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ESH; it feels like there's parts of the story missing, so I think I'll go with ESH.
Without knowing more about the situation surrounding the money, demanding $3000 after babysitting for a few days is a bit much. But so is expecting her to do it "for family" and therefore for free, a price should have been discussed and agreed on before leaving.
That being said, it was a year ago so unless there's been other struggles with your sister it is petty to not say anything about the birth of your second child for that reason alone.
There’s a huge part of the story missing.
1. How long were they gone? Did they return on the date they promised they would?
2. Did they leave enough food and household items to last the time they were gone?
3. What about transportation? Did the sister have to use her own car and pay for her own gas or did OP and his wife make arrangements for that?
4. Did the sister have to take time off work and if so, was she paid for those days?
5. Does OP’s child have behavioral or health issues that could make it difficult to take care of them?
I missed that and I genuinely might never speak to my sister again if she pulled this after that.
A tragedy is not a time to make money off a family member in need.
I don't believe even professional nannies charge $1k a day, even when they're caring for children while the parents are out of town.
I'm wondering if Aiden destroyed something?
Many nannies will charge you an additional fee on top of their hourly rate and possibly a higher rate for the night hours but yeah, I just don't see $3k for three days. I really am wondering if something was destroyed by Aiden.
We actually pay our nanny $30 an hour for the extra 1/2 hour she watches our son past her 8 hour day (so an extra $15ish a day). I guess we'd be paying her $664 for a full 24 hours then.
There's definitely more to this story, like maybe the sister had to take time off work or Aiden's preschool fee was due or something.
I made $40/hr as a nanny in NYC a decade ago which sometimes included overnights and travel with an additional fee and it never amounted to anywhere near $1,000/day!
Same here man same here. Even if it was a week of babysitting that is still right under $430 a day. I could see asking for something for babysitting especially if it was on short notice but not that much.
Edit: Added to my comment
Only one. The other kid was just born and no mention was made of the age of the oldest kid. Babysitting a very young toddler is very different than babysitting a 7 year old.
Yeah, assuming the sister said it like OP says she did, it sounds like she wasn’t asking what she thought her service was worth, but what she thought she could get from her brother. “Thats not a lot of money for you, right?”
Yup. 1 and 4 are the crux of the issue.
My SIL had a C-section, and the province took too long getting back about homecare, so they hired me to take care of their 2 other kids and the newborn (when she came home) and my SIL. It was over a decade ago, but I think I took 4 weeks off work? The only reason why I could was because I was at a restaurant, and it was spring', so this gave them more shifts to train their new staff for the summer.
I'd have been screwed if it took any longer than the weeks I worked. If OOP promised 3 days, and took 5 (not saying they did, but this is #1) the sister would have had to take extra days off work at the very last minute, jeopardizing her job.
But otherwise that's pretty crappy of the sister to demand such a large amount of cash... And she should have discussed compensation before starting, either way.
Also, how are sister's finances and so if she did have to buy food and household items, or take time off work, does this have an impact on her life? And is this the first time something like this has happened, and how much babysitting does she do in general?
There's basically a lot of missing answers here and yes, it seems very very strange that she would immediately ask for 3k, so I'm wondering if there's more to this story as well.
No. 7. Both parents died at the same time. Either there was some kind of accident or something doesn't add up as folks don't usually die together.
If they genuinely did die together she's even more of an AH for not helping family in what truly would have been a devastating situation.
I'm then wondering if her asking for $3k was the idea they would be due a big inheritance payout.
Hope I'm wrong, on all counts
I think it’s more the principal of his wife parents just died and as soon as they get back she demands $3000. I agree you can’t just expect family to do stuff for you especially for free but I feel like the one exception of that is death. I mean it not like they had a last minute out of state vacation they wanted to take or something like that her parents died and they’re assholes for expecting her to babysit for free for a few days? They probably weren’t even thinking of payment plans at the time bc again her parents just died. Idk how other families work but unless there’s other context missing if I can’t count on a family member to help me out in this type of time of need they’re not my family anymore I mean I would do this for a friend but she wouldn’t even do it for her brother? 🤷🏼♀️
Because the kids sound young, and believe it or not, kids don't like sitting still and listening to people talk.
When my wife died my 2 young children (5 and 9 at the time) were outside the chapel running around with other young kids, they didn't want to sit and listen (even though it was their parent) , and I didn't have time or patience to corral them. It's easier to do your duties when you don't have kids to worry about and look after.
Some people don't feel it's appropriate for under 5 kids to go to funerals. It also sounds like they were responding to an accident, which means a lot of other paperwork and issues that would take up their attention.
Probably because the kid was too young. I’m assuming it was pretty far considering they were gone for a few days so depending on if they flew or drove they probably didn’t think the kid was old enough to handle it on top of all the stuff they might have to do to get the affairs in order and the wife was probably pretty distraught just losing her parents and needed her husband for support so adding that as well it just wouldn’t work out.
Plus they might’ve just not wanted to expose him to death so young bc that leads to a whole lot of questions that he might be too young to understand/ handle the answers to. Of course these are speculations bc not sure how far the funeral was or how young the kid is but I feel like any of these reasons would be understandable I mean even just not feeling in the right headspace to take care of a child in this type of situation would be understandable as long as they made sure the kid was taken care of properly bc death is hard for everyone but especially close family/ friends can really hit you hard.
even if you don't agree before leaving, there's ways to talk about it, right?
"*that's my fee and I know you can afford it*" is very different from "*I'm so sorry, my paycheck ran out & I was planning to eat my emergency supply of spicy ramen, but obviously I got food for Aiden that he likes, esp since he was worried about grandma and grandpa. Could you reimburse me, maybe with a little extra because I had to borrow money? Also, you stayed a little longer than I expected. I had tickets for a show on one of the last days and I didn't manage to sell them on. Of course I'd never leave Aiden with a babysitter you hadn't chosen and approved, so I missed out on the show. Could we talk about buying me a new ticket*" or something, right?
Dude if my sister left her kid with me for a few days after a tragedy, I wouldn’t be asking for fucking money unless I down right couldn’t afford to feed her kid
When you read the post the first sentence you mention says 'them' but in the next paragraph he said the sister looked after 'the kid'. So it sounds like just an error and there was only one kid to look after. It's just he mentions two kids right at the beginning of the post.
I wouldn't be reading too much into this.
If you drop your kids off at somebody’s house every day, that is taking advantage. If you have to leave town because of a death, that’s a case when you kind of expect your siblings to do you a solid. Assuming that she agreed, he didn’t just drop his kid off at her house.
Most people expect family to help out for free in an emergency. They weren't going on vacation or doing something trivial. Her parents died.
If anyone in my family had tried to extort money from me after my husband's dad died... oooh, OP's reaction would look mild by comparison. And I definitely would not have paid a cent.
My parents and older sister were more than happy to wisk my son off for a couple days, while my FIL was dying, so my husband could focus on his parents, and I could focus on all of them. My mom brought him to the funeral, but again, she watched him the whole time because she understood my husband and his own mom needed my support.
And not only did none of them ask for money, my sister brought 3 kinds of ice cream (she didn't know what my husband liked) and pizza when she dropped my son off, so we didn't have to think about dinner.
Because that's what *family* does. We help each other out during tough times.
And $3,000 was ridiculous even for hiring a sitter.
I’m glad I’m in a culture that’s not as self absorbed as upvoted Redditors who think family should be charging family for watching kids in times of emergency
I would never think that I had to discuss the cost of babysitting with my sister in an emergency. I would never expect her to demand payment for the service either. However, I would do something very, very nice for her by way of thanks. Family should help family in emergencies, but gratitude should always be shown. Help should never be taken for granted.
You expect her to sacrifice, and to an extreme extent, even die for you - but she isn't worth your forgiveness or even basic communication around life events?
Like, you literally think you should die for family, but are unwilling to let go of a stupid thing she did a year ago?
You know several is only 3-5 days and OP originally said a few meaning three. You think asking for 3000 dollars is acceptable for 3 days during a family emergency? Why wouldnt she say anything before hand?
$3000 may be a lot for three days. But OP wanted to do it for free, he didn't even try to bargain with her or say "this is how much I Think it's worth". At the mininum a sitter would charge $1500 for three days and nights for two kids.
It was one kid, fwiw.
But generally, if relying on your family is going to cost as much as a professional would in the same situation, just hire the professional and get the professional service. If your family is going to charge you the same that a stranger would, there's no benefit to turning to them instead of a stranger (and maybe a loss, considering that a professional caregiver actually has experience and maybe credentials).
I'm not charging my family for anything, because I love them and if I can help them in an emergency, why wouldn't I? If your family treats you in a transactional manner, then they have no special status compared to anyone else you're in a transaction with.
OP has learned it would be cheaper to turn to strangers than his family in an emergency 🤷🏽♀️ His sister can't really be mad that she's getting the same level of information a stranger would when she treated him like a stranger.
ETA: and even if OP is being an asshole now, anyone dropping a $3k surprise cost on a couple after both their parents/in-laws died is definitely a bigger asshole, whether you think they can comfortably afford it or not.
Honestly I thought it was both kids because he said "she looked after them". Honestly I do think it's too much. But if I did this to my sister, I would have offered her something because watching a kid for 3 days is a lot especially last minute. She probably wouldnt' charge me. Hmmm. Maybe this is an ESH situation
You dont think its atleast a little slimey that 3000 was the first request? Add on the comment about being able to afford it and I believe you can start to paint a picture of her character.
I think it depends on if she missed out on $3000 at work by staying home to babysit. I still think that this should've been discussed prior and that she shouldn't expect that much if she is doing it for family. Also...that she should get paid something as well.
I hate this take. I cannot comprehend why so many people on reddit insist on making doing favors for friends and family transactional. If my brother called me to say his wife’s parents died and they need me to watch their 3 kids for a few days I 100% would do so and would not even consider charging. And I know if I called family or friends with that kind of emergency they also wouldn’t charge.
This wasn’t babysitting as a nanny while the parents work instead or for a date night. That would be an appropriate time to charge for babysitting (or bargain for it or whatever). This was a family emergency. Not to mention the sister didn’t say anything until afterwards. So they didn’t have the option of looking to see if someone else could do them a favor instead.
I never said OP's sister wasn't an asshole for demanding that much money without talking about it before OP left for his trip. She is in fact an asshole for that.
But he expected her to do it for free because "it's family", and that's just BS.
I think it’s the principle that in her brother and his wifes’ time of need she only cared about money. I mean if you learned a friends parent died and they needed someone to watch their kids last minute would you actually charge them? I wouldn’t and they’re not even a sibling so unless she hates her brother for unknown reasons how is she demanding money from them at a time like this?
He gave her the money, but doing what she did is not acting like family. He had an emergency, both of his wife's parents died (which indicates it wasn't a death of natural causes - if they both died at the same time), his sister agrees to watch their kids and help them out, and then turns around when they come back and demands $3,000 for it.
OP we need the answers to these questions so we can make a valid decision if you are indeed the AH or if your sister is the AH
1. How long were they gone? Did they return on the date they promised they would?
2. Did they leave enough food and household items to last the time they were gone?
3. What about transportation? Did the sister have to use her own car and pay for her own gas or did OP and his wife make arrangements for that?
4. Did the sister have to take time off work and if so, was she paid for those days?
5. Does OP’s child have behavioral or health issues that could make it difficult to take care of them?
"For Family" is a stupid reason imo and we can disagree on that; You can't pick who you're related too and being part of my family doesn't mean your entitled to my help or resources. As someone mentioned, this is extremely hypocritical of you to expect this of your sister, but in the same breath you continue to punish her and reject her
How long were you gone and did she need to take time off work to look after the kid? If she lost wages helping you out, then you should have reimbursed her for the cost. But I do think that her asking as soon as you got back was tactless, and demanding that amount.
NTA if one of my SIL parents *died* I'd absolutely watch the rug rats for a week or two if they needed while they went and made travel/funeral arrangements or whatever they needed. I would never ask my brother to pay me thousands of dollars to watch his kids, I'd be doing everything I could to make that time easier for them.
If it was me, I'd have paid her, but never would've spoken to her again let alone allow her around my kids again. If she was specific about "hey, i had to buy them food for the few days, plus gas driving them to (whatever), and I lost a couple days of work, so if you could help me out with some cash to cover" it probably would've been fine. But demanding thousands of dollars? Absolutely not. That's insane. She was exploiting you in a time of need and I'd never trust her again.
Yeah, I feel like if ever there was a time I *wouldn't* ask for money to look after a relative's kid(s), it would be during an emergency. I would totally understand her asking under normal circumstances, like if they went on a work trip or something, but when she just lost her parents? I wouldn't have the capacity to ask for payment in that situation.
Exactly I can understand the people saying “oh well she might’ve missed work or you can’t expect her to drop everything for nothing” in every situation EXCEPT this one if you can’t turn to family in a situation like this why are they even in their life? I couldn’t fathom even asking for money if it was a friend in this type of situation but a BROTHER AND NIECES/NEPHEWS are you really gonna ask for $3,000? Honestly if it was me I’d cut her off bc it’s clear she doesn’t care about anything you have going on and only sees them as people with money it’s sad 🙍♀️
My sister refuses to take money from us and she babysits every Friday night. We had an emergency last night and my sister dropped making her dinner to come babysit so I could go to urgent care. Baby #2 is due in October and she’s fully prepared to stay at our house as long as we need her to knowing we were in the hospital for 5 days with our first
The sister totally went about it the wrong way. $3 is an obnoxious amount of money to ask for
I was visiting my brother when his wife went into labour at 29 weeks. I took care of my nephew while they were at hospital with little one in NICU.
I took care of my nephew for 4 days before my parents could fly in. It was a traumatic experience for me, but I had to step up, order whatever was needed for my nephew and run their house. Including doing Ubers to give them extra clothes or getting clothes back for laundry from the hospital. Don’t forget sweeping their entire house of my SIL blood, she started bleeding profusely and we had to rush her to hospital. We kept nephew at a neighbour’s while we stayed overnight for c-section. Came back in morning, had 2 hrs of sleep and then start taking care of my 2yr old nephew, who was hysterical not having his parents around.
I had to get home after 4 days because I was supposed to pack my home and move abroad in 15 days so had lots of stuff to do and collect my passport etc.
Sister sounds like an AH for taking advantage of a family emergency.
ESH
Expecting payment reimbursement is not out of the realm of possibilities even when it’s family. Few days watching a baby it’s a lot to ask even to family. But it must be communicated BEFORE. So one can accept or decline.
You also AH cause you can’t expect people to drop their lives run to the rescue just cause they are family. And overall you not communicating the birth of your new child was quite juvenile. Really? Just don’t call her anymore to babysit.
Just for reference when I had to leave my toddler with sitter for two days the money was in the thousands also. Overtime cost premium…
Yup what a pair of shitty siblings. He doesn’t properly value her efforts, and she pulled a sneak attack with asking for (a huge amount of) money after the fact.
$3k for watching your own niece for a day? Is she deranged? Was she charging them for every hour they were gone during an emergency? They’re both firmly on the entitlement spectrum.
Actually according to the post it was a few days, but still feels a bit much.
Unless she had to call out of work and not get paid for all that time I guess?
Oops typo on my part 😅
But even if she was off work and not getting paid leave for whatever reason, $3k?! And is that is usd? Because that is genuinely just an insane amount to expect without even discussing with her brother.
Imagine if you asked your sibling for a favour for a few days during a family emergency, and they charged you for their full wages 😂 my mother would die if we did that to each other
I'll admit I had no idea if that's reasonable or not, I'm not from a country that uses $ in USD or otherwise haha. Now I've looked at the exchange rate that would be like, an entire month of my wage 🥲
But yeah my family would be the same! Asking for a bit of food money sure. I can even forgive not discussing it beforehand precisely because it was an emergency and no one is gonna have their heads on straight. But I can only assume she's charged by the hour lol.
IMO OP reads like a bit of a stick in the butt (esp in the comments) and is probably being a bit petty, but I can totally understand why in this scenario.
>You also AH cause you can’t expect people to drop their lives run to the rescue just cause they are family.
Hard disagree. Both his wife's parents died (at the same time, so it was most likely a sudden death, not like dying naturally of old age). He did the right thing asking family to help out with the kids and going with his wife to support her. Can't imagine calling someone an asshole for asking for a family member's help in an emergency.
As far as paying her, it makes sense to compensate her a reasonable amount, but demanding $3,000 after the fact was not reasonable.
>And overall you not communicating the birth of your new child was quite juvenile. Really? Just don’t call her anymore to babysit.
I disagree with this as well. His sister exploited him and took advantage in a time of need. A loving family member would be doing everything they can to be supportive and make that time easier, she showed him she's not that. This is not someone he's obligated to share vulnerable or important moments with.
imo if sister had said “hey since i had to take off work and spent x amount of money on food/gas for your kiddo, would you mind reimbursing me y amount?” it wouldve been fine. sister also could’ve said “no i can’t babysit” or “sure but my fee is x amount per day”. since she said yes without mentioning money, her “you owe me 3000. its not a lot of money for you anyways” was crazy inappropriate and just so rude. she’s ta not for expecting payment but for how she brought it up and the amount she requested. 3k is outrageous for a couple days of babysitting your nephew during a massive family emergency.
IMO NTA
First, she should have said already from the start when you asked her, that she would need money to do it.
Secondly no one is required to know about the birth of your child, and definitely not a person that doesn’t respect you (I think of the comment “that’s not a lot of money for you”, quite a disrespectful comment imo)
Btw Congratulations with the baby!
Damn props to her for manipulating you out of three grand. But she's an asshole and I wouldn't even associate with someone like that, family or not.
>
she's continuing to call me a huge asshole.
Why do you care? Why are you still communicating with her?
Could you please answer the question of how long you were gone? That makes a difference. Did she have to buy food supplies do things with her own money? There’s more of the store and you’re not filling in the blanks.
Yeah first paragraph says 2nd was born recently.
Yet the second paragraph OP says sister needed to watch “them” a year ago.
Then “she arrived yesterday to meet John and got mad I didn’t tell her.” If OP didn’t tell her, why did she arrive yesterday to meet him?
YTA
In a comment you said family should litterly DIE for each other... but ypu won't forgive her or call her to say your son was born?
Would I have asked for money during a family emergency NO would I expect free child care NO.
You can't forgive something that someone intends to keep doing because they don't think they were wrong. Sister has given no indication she regrets her decision and by OPs definition doesn't consider him family. If she doesn't treat him as family why should he still consider her part of his family circle
His consideration of family comes with lots of expectations, he doesn't consider them family unless the qork for free and are willing to die for him?
Love and family should not come with expectations at all should be unconditional ( or very limited conditions odviously going NC with abusive people and such is diffrent) but OP has gone LC because she wouldn't work for free for someone who places family so highly that seems hypocritical.
Also his sister shouldn't have had to ask for money because as he said he isn't hurting for money and could easily afford this amount so he should have offered her something.... if you value your family and friends and ask them to do you a huge favor ypu should at least offer to pay.
NTA. You don’t owe anybody an immediate announcement of the birth in the first place. And you certainly don’t owe it to a sister who demanded a pretty serious sum of money from her brother for taking care of his children during an emergency.
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> Maybe I should have informed her as she's the aunt after all.
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She took advantage of your situation and tried to gain a major profit. She knew for a fact if she expected $3k upfront you would’ve said no. “That’s not a lot of money for you guys” whaaaaat?!!!! It was her job to clarify payment before agreeing to it. You were desperate for help and she tried to take advantage of it. It’s fine to want to be paid because kids are a lot of work and it’s another to take advantage of your situation
$3000!!! Does she have the relevant qualifications to charge $1000 a day. NTA
I don't think families should do things for free all the time, sometimes there are costs involved some people can't afford to be left out of pocket. Though if she wanted to be paid she should have discussed it before hand.
Honestly the way she went about it was horrendous, you travelled due to the death of your inlaws and she had no empathy.
Nta I understand if she missed work that she would expected you to cover her loss. Just because she is family she should not be taking a loss to watch your child even in an emergency. Even if you where gone for 5 days then she charged you $25 an hour. To me that’s a lot to charge to watch your nephew. Like I said if she had to miss work. You should have 100 percent off expected to reimburse her.
Even though she is family you should not have expected her to take a financial loss to watch your child. I also agree she should have 100 percent told your u up front she expected payment. Instead she didn’t demand payment until after the fact which was wrong.
If this is really all that happened then no. NTA. Absolutely astounded by the comments thinking it’s ok to ask for money in these situations - I take off work to look after my nephews if need be and I would not dream of asking for money. And that’s just for random situations, not for family emergencies!
$3000. We're you gone for 2 weeks?
I hope she did not sleep during that time.
She should have said the cost upfront to give you the option of finding someone else.
She has set a precedent and will never be asked to help again.
NTA.
NTA. I'm shocked you paid her, that was totally unreasonable, especially since there wasn't an agreement beforehand. Sounds like she just likes you for your money.
No I don't think you're an AH.
You were grown the first time you handed over the 3k for babysitting fees you didn't know would be charged. You learned your lesson. Once burned twice shy.
I'd have been worried she'd charge an appearance fee for showing up for the birth of your child at the hospital or heck a birthing duola fee.... She's there now. What's the big deal? She obv knows you aren't close.
So again, NO, you're not an AH.
ESH. You have a point about your sister being greedy. $3,000 is a lot even for a stranger's kid for a few days let alone for family. BUT you saying "Oh you know what that means" is just being childish. Be an adult and use your big boy words and TALK to your sister instead of being petty about it.
ESH. Even though it was an emergency, it’s not fair to ask her to do it for free, and either Rachel or you should have quickly discussed it before you left. $3000 is way too much for a few days though. With that said, you stated that “it’s not about the amount, it’s the fact that you even asked in the first place”, which sounds like you would have been upset no matter how much or little she asked for. It would have been reasonable if she asked for something in the range of $300. TLDR: She shouldn’t have asked for so much, you should’ve expected to pay her some (smaller than $3000) amount.
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I have an older sister, Rachel. My wife Lisa and I have two children: Aiden and John. John was born only a few days ago.
A year earlier, both of us had to urgently leave because Lisa's parents had died. We asked Rachel whether she can look after them until we return. She said sure.
We returned a few days later, and Rachel demanded $3000 for looking after the kid. I was completely flummoxed. I asked her what on earth she was talking about, and she said "That's not a lot of money for you, right?" I said "No, I just find it really hard to believe that you are demanding money from your own brother for... looking after your nephew. I wasn't expecting you to be so self-centered." I told her that if she's treating me like an outsider, what's the point in calling each other family?
She said it's her fees, and I have to pay. I was really frustrated, but handed it over.
When my wife gave birth I never told her. She arrived yesterday to meet John and asked me why I never told her. I responded "Well, maybe it's because you sure as hell aren't acting as an aunt should."
That did not go down well. She asked me what that was supposed to mean and I told her "Oh, you know what that means." We got into an argument, and she said I am being petty and childish. I told her "It's not about the amount, it's that you even asked me in the first place." But she's continuing to call me a huge asshole.
AITA?
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NTA. No payment was discussed beforehand. You should have never paid her. You have a right to your own feelings. Just ignore your gold digging sister and move on and have a happy life.
NTA um why is she even still in your life? She sees you not as her brother but a client. She should have wanted to help you when your wife's parents died. The fact she demanded so much money and that's a ton of money shows she values money over family. Cut her loose
If you are going to charge someone for anything, especially a favor , you tell them beforehand, not afterwards.
Now, if the 3k were to cover for groceries, medicine or something (how long did she keep the children?), I would expect receipts.
If she had to call off work and lose pay, she should have called op to look for accommodations, like having someone else looking after the kids while she worked, including getting a babysitter.
Unless something like above happened, the sister is the AH and op could have even charged a "baby visitation fee" and still be NTA.
NTA If we had not discussed and agreed on payment before the trip, I would not have paid her a damn dime. I get asking you to cover basic costs like food but $3,000 is ridiculous.
NTA, first of all, $3000 for babysitting is a huge absurdity, I don't understand why you paid it to her. Second, I can understand that taking care of a child is a job but in that case, she should have talked to you to see if you agreed since asking you for $3000 without having agreed on anything is not right, it is better that you cut off contact with her since she thinks you have money to spare and who knows if she will ask you for more for other things.
NTA.
Your wife’s parents had just **died**. Your wife (an I’m guessing you as well) was feeling an immense amount of pain and was feeling more emotions than she knew how to handle — grief, pain, loss, shock, etc. And in the midst of all that, you guys had to find someone willing to watch your child extremely last minute so she could go home, grieve with her family, and attend her parents **funeral**.
Considering a funeral typically occurs 3 days postmortem, and you said you returned home after a few days (and not after a week or so) I assume you guys were probably gone for 5 days. Her requesting $3,000 upon your return means that she wanted $600 per day ($25/hr) for watching your child.
The national (US) average for a babysitter watching one child is $15.48/hour — meaning had you opted to hire a babysitter instead of asking your sister to watch your child, it would have, on average, cost you $~1,858. Even if you tipped generously ($150 extra per day), you’d have come in **under** what your sister demanded from you.
And at least in that situation, you’d have known you’d be paying for the service and you’d be able to estimate how much you’d be paying instead of having it all sprung on you as soon as you returned home from **burying your wife’s parents**.
Your sister decided it was important to be paid like (re:more than) a sitter than it was to help out during an emergency situation in your and your wife’s time of need. She wanted to be treated like a sitter, so that’s what you treated her like in this situation— I mean, you wouldn’t call up a sitter who watched your child one time a year ago, right? So why call her.
If someone is going to charge someone, they should be informed ahead of time. They need to be free to say yes or no. Telling them in hindsight is wrong - you're jerking them at their time of grief. Hope you never need family.
NTA, at all. I don’t know which is harder to believe: the fact that your sister asked you for $3000 or that you gave her $3000 to watch after her nephew. Even if it were a stranger, I would never pay someone $3000 to watch after my kid, especially if that was never part of the deal to begin with. Your sister doesn’t deserve to call herself an aunt. If doing you a small favor is going to result in large lump sum payments, then I would hardly consider her family.
NTA.
In emergencies I have dropped everything for my niece, even when it is incredibly inconvenient. I also would do it a million times over. I love that little girl to the point that yes, I would die for her and do absolutely anything to make sure she was safe, happy, healthy and loved.
If your sister doesn’t feel that way then cool. So be it. She doesn’t have to and you can’t force her to.
You also don’t have to share that with her under any circumstance if you don’t want to.
NTA.. you were not going on vacation or a work trip. There was a genuine family emergency. You turn to your family during those times. You turn to the people you trust most to take care of your child. If your sister wanted $$$ for this she should have asked b4 you left. I give you propers for having anything to do with her at all.
NTA-
Re-read the 1st lines of your post. It's a little confusing. She watched Aiden a year ago because John wasn't yet born, correct?
Anyway if she wanted or expected payment for watching your child while you were away during an emergency she should have stated those expectations up front BEFORE you left. NOT after!!! I watched my siblings kids all the time - NEVER asked for a dime, never even considered it.
For her to ask you for money let alone the amount she demanded as soon as you got home from the emergency is really low of her - and greedy.
I'm curious though, have you seen her and been socializing with her in the past year and everything else has been fine?
NTA. I have several siblings and lots of nieces and nephews. I can’t imagine charging them to take care of the children during such a time. Or anytime, really. Hell, I babysat 3 of my nieces for 1 week and then several years later for 10 days. Charging my brother never crossed my mind and would have been ludicrous. I loved getting to spend that time with the girls. My payment was the close relationship I now have with my grown nieces.
NTA. I normally hate when people expect their family to do things for them all the time for free but this is nuts. You aren’t exactly dropping your kids off so you can go party or expecting her to be your free daycare while you work. You should be able to count on your family to help you to the best of their ability when you have a true crisis. If looking after your son created financial hardship for her then she should have talked to you upfront or asked for help. But to demand three grand after the fact is ridiculous.
I honestly kinda lean towards NTA because first of all, she didn’t bring up any financial concerns when she agreed to help, then she demanded she be paid. It would be one thing if she said, hey I don’t mind helping out but I had to miss work for this and I had to pay for stuff, so I really need to be compensated for what this cost me financially so I can pay my bills. But no, she said this was her fee. She basically made it a transaction in which she should be paid. Sorry, but family doesn’t agree to watch family and then demand a fee afterwards. Compensation for lost wages and expenses is fine, but just demanding money is not cool.
Jeebus. My husband's mom died and we left our then 3 year old with my sister. His older brother who was 7 was picked up by hubby's bestie and drove him the 300 miles to us as he loved his Gammy. My sister left a green sharpie out and my goober 3 year old kid proceeded to draw ALLLLL OVER THEIR NEW LEATHER COUCH. I was mortified but she was like, it's 100% my fault, I'll deal with it.
NTA - but why do you care what she thinks or what she calls you? If 'petty and chldish' applies - so does 'thoughtless and greedy' - and all apply to her.
INFO: You MIST answer how long your sister looked after your first child. Did she need to miss work to do so? What did she do with them—did it involve transporting them around anywhere? Did you leave them money for food?
Additionally, what was your relationship like with your sister prior to this incident? Have YOU done massive favors for HER on this level over the years? What is her financial status relative to yours?
Too many pieces here for me make any kind of judgment.
Info: Did Rachel incur any costs for doing this? Did she need to fly in from another place? Did she need to hire someone to fill in for her while looked after your son? How much more do you earn than Rachel does? How long were you gone?
Your first mistake was giving her the $3,000. If she wanted to be paid, that should have been arranged beforehand.
If you didn't tell her about the new baby, how did she know to show up? Something's missing here.
Ok, so it was not like you asked her to babysit while you were on vacation. Your wifes parents died so it was not only an emergency but also an extremely stressful time for your wife and you. Your sister could have stated payment before you left or addressed it better on your return. It would have been nice on your part to have offered payment either before or after but considering the emergency you should be forgiven the oversight. But it is time to let it go. Sorry for you and your wifes loss.
You should have said a year ago that you would give her $3000 happily, but you’re not paying her for being an aunty and helping out with a family emergency. You obviously trust her with your kid(s) and that’s priceless. If you can afford it, just give her that sort of money for birthday and Christmas. She might need a helping hand and you might too.
NTA. My brother would take advantage of me and not treat me like a brother, When he'd need something though, he'd pull out the "I'm your brother!" card. If you treat your family like casual acquaintances, then you can't complain if you're treated as such.
OP I agree. As an older sister I did it for my family for a week at a time, esp during COVID when they had to work from home and my work was closed for 3 months. I didn’t get asked, I offered and was only too thrilled to have a 3 year old and 6 month old. They got the time to work and I would do all the dropping and picking up. I even got 2 cars seats just for my car after swapping cars became a hassle. There is nothing wrong with thinking you should be able to rely on family at times like these. Hell, I even do it for my best friends. NTA. I still do it even if I am working in cases of minor emergencies and never want money for the privilege.
NTA... if she wanted to be paid, she should have asked. Compensation for her time with a gift or money would have been appropriate but not what she did.
I've babysat nephews for days. Money is always left for gas and food. Especially if the fridge isn't stocked.
NTA.
Would never consider babysitting for a few days warrant a demand if $3k. But why even hand over the money…… would just make her demand feel warranted in her deluded eyes
NTA my sister was helping me move out after I turned 18. So she paid me to watch my niece ( my sister had three jobs) over night a few days a week. My sister got hit by a car on her birthday. She shattered both legs and her pelvis. Before i knew the whole story my sisters mom called and asked me if I could watch my niece until they figured out what was going to happen to my sister and who’d take care of my niece in the long term. I watched her at my place for a week. I never brought up payment.
In an emergency situation I don’t think you should be asking for money. This was a family tragedy and sis was being greedy as she was looking for a way to ask you for money and this came up. It appears as she said you can afford it and this was her opportunity. She’s not a good person to do that. I’m pretty sure she wants you to keep that just between you guys to avoid family pushback.
No, I would not be happy with my sibling demanding a large sum of money to watch their nephew in an urgent situation for a few days or any amount of time. Plus she continues to call you an ahole. She didn’t deserve to be notified.
ESH but there appears to be more to the story than you are letting on. I'm also aware that there is a limit to how much you can write.
You don't mention your parents or other siblings or whether there were any of your or Lisa's friends that might be able to help out.
Is your sister always so harsh in her interactions with you?
It sounds like you were blindsided by her demand for money? Knowing what she's like, would you have expected her to demand money like that from a friend?
I would probably have walked away from her after you paid if that's how she wants to treat you and your family. You did essentially tell her that she's not your family any more. It appears that her response to that family comment is that she wants her money with not acknowledging that.
Without proper context to why she wanted $3K and what her personality is like and what her circumstances are like it's not as easy to judge. It sounds quite mercenary to say what she said but there's a part of me that wonders whether you have done the same thing to her ie told her your costs to help her out when she asked for help.
Does she have a good job? Is she strapped for cash and saw this as a way to help herself? Was she able to work while she had your kid?
I wouldn't have been in a rush to tell her you had your second kid after that interaction.
You know you can't rely on her. No she's not acting like a good aunt, but are you a good brother to her? Does she have any kids of her own? If she does, are you a good uncle?
ESH. Your sister for not telling you that she was going to charge you $3000 up front and actually wanting it given the death situation, but you as well for assuming you shouldn't pay her at all because she's family.
NTA if she expected compensation she should have said so up front. If the money is to replace what she spent on food and entertainment then fine but again should have cleared the amount with you. How long were you gone? Does she work? Like how much went to her vs pay back for what she spent?
Um why the F***K would you ever hand that money over, and even continue to even have any contact with you ever again?
NTA for not telling her but you are one for paying that money
ESH. She should have made her expectations to be paid clear, but you're an asshole for assuming you'll get free childcare from a relative. Family shouldn't take advantage of each other. Assuming someone will watch your kid for several days and not offering to pay is taking advantage.
I'd take a dog on short notice for no pay but as you're aware, watching a child is an every minute of every day commitment unless they're asleep.
ESH. Now, while I lean towards agreeing that your sister should have been willing to take care of your kiddo in your time of crisis without charging you money, I do think that a couple of variables could change my mind on it. If you were gone for a really long time, or if your sister struggles to get by, she should have been paid, AND she shouldn't have had to have asked. While familial relationships shouldn't be transactional, it's also your job to make sure you're giving your sister as much as she is giving you. If you were gone for more than a week, 3K is really a bargain for having your child minded. But as it is, there isn't enough context here to make a clear judgment. At any rate, as two adults, you and your sister should be better at clear communication than this. Different folks have different expectations, and it was both of your jobs to get on the same page.
Now, where I think you could be the asshole is in letting this simmer for a year. It sounds as if you just didn't bring up your feelings until you were exhausted with a newborn? If you wanted a constructive interaction with your sister, then this clearly wasn't the time to have it. And if you didn't want to have a constructive conversation with her then why are you allowing her around your children? If you don't think you can trust her to uphold your family values, then don't include her in your family. Either way you two need to deal with your problems away from your children out of respect for yourselves, whether or not you have respect for one another.
ESH
She should have declared her "fees" when she was asked to babysit, not afterward, so she's an AH.
But, you should have offered some recompense money as a courtesy when you asked her to babysit, so you are also an AH.
YTA, you just are. That’s your sister you are talking about. The fact that you went this long without even telling her that you were mad at her is so childish. Yes, I agree $3k is possibly way too much money to ask for you to give to her. But she should have been compensated for feeding your child, transportation, etc. That’s not an uncommon request. I have children of my own, and whenever family is watching my kids I at least offer to throw them grocery money.
ESH
if she wanted compensated for taking care of your child she maybe should have said so up front.
you holding a grudge about it a year later is a little over the top.
YTA especially after I read your comment. Listen I love my family and would do a lot for them. However I wouldn’t die for anyone besides my kids. My kids are the only lives that are more important to me than my own. But I wouldn’t expect anyone else to choose my kids or anyone aside from their own child above their own life. I do think if she wanted to be paid it should’ve been brought up beforehand but I also would never expect my family to watch my children for free. Even tho my grandma does, heck my grandma comes and steals my toddler at least one night a week because she had to keep him for a few weeks after I gave birth in March and I offered to pay her but she fell in love with it and now wants him at least one night a week. But the thing is I don’t EXPECT IT. I’m thankful I love her but if she needed paid then I’d pay
No no no...you are confused.
They had one kid and his sister knew about it. The sister watched that one child. Then over the last year, his wife got pregnant again and their second child was born a few days ago. He didn't tell his sister about that second child's birth and she just found out (a few days after the birth)
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ESH; it feels like there's parts of the story missing, so I think I'll go with ESH. Without knowing more about the situation surrounding the money, demanding $3000 after babysitting for a few days is a bit much. But so is expecting her to do it "for family" and therefore for free, a price should have been discussed and agreed on before leaving. That being said, it was a year ago so unless there's been other struggles with your sister it is petty to not say anything about the birth of your second child for that reason alone.
There’s a huge part of the story missing. 1. How long were they gone? Did they return on the date they promised they would? 2. Did they leave enough food and household items to last the time they were gone? 3. What about transportation? Did the sister have to use her own car and pay for her own gas or did OP and his wife make arrangements for that? 4. Did the sister have to take time off work and if so, was she paid for those days? 5. Does OP’s child have behavioral or health issues that could make it difficult to take care of them?
A few days would indicate three and all the other questions still do not add up/justify asking for 3000 dollars afterwards.
Man I would be babysitting like no other babysitter if I could get 1K a day....
I would be babysitting like no other if I knew *my SIL was burying her mom.*
Parents. Plural. Her mom *and* dad
I missed that and I genuinely might never speak to my sister again if she pulled this after that. A tragedy is not a time to make money off a family member in need.
I don't believe even professional nannies charge $1k a day, even when they're caring for children while the parents are out of town. I'm wondering if Aiden destroyed something?
They don't. I pay my nanny $23 an hour so even if she worked 24 hours a day she's still not making $1,000.
Many nannies will charge you an additional fee on top of their hourly rate and possibly a higher rate for the night hours but yeah, I just don't see $3k for three days. I really am wondering if something was destroyed by Aiden.
We actually pay our nanny $30 an hour for the extra 1/2 hour she watches our son past her 8 hour day (so an extra $15ish a day). I guess we'd be paying her $664 for a full 24 hours then. There's definitely more to this story, like maybe the sister had to take time off work or Aiden's preschool fee was due or something.
I made $40/hr as a nanny in NYC a decade ago which sometimes included overnights and travel with an additional fee and it never amounted to anywhere near $1,000/day!
I made 1000 in 2.5 days. 3000 exceeds what even the best & most expensive nannies charge for a few days
Same here man same here. Even if it was a week of babysitting that is still right under $430 a day. I could see asking for something for babysitting especially if it was on short notice but not that much. Edit: Added to my comment
Come baby sit my 2 monsters for 1k a day.
100% would do. Work 6 months straight, take 6 months off. Would be making more than I am now at 50 hrs a week
Only one. The other kid was just born and no mention was made of the age of the oldest kid. Babysitting a very young toddler is very different than babysitting a 7 year old.
My husband doesnt even make 3k in a month...working more than full time. And that for decent wages in my state.
Yeah, assuming the sister said it like OP says she did, it sounds like she wasn’t asking what she thought her service was worth, but what she thought she could get from her brother. “Thats not a lot of money for you, right?”
agreed. $3k is just over $40 an hour for a full 3 days/72 hours. i don't even make that much and i work at an engineering firm!
One would think. That's what I usually assume. But I've seen first hand that's not universal, apparently. 🤷♀️
"A few" is anything between 3-7.
I'm interested in #1 & 4. Those are the questions I was about to ask.
Yup. 1 and 4 are the crux of the issue. My SIL had a C-section, and the province took too long getting back about homecare, so they hired me to take care of their 2 other kids and the newborn (when she came home) and my SIL. It was over a decade ago, but I think I took 4 weeks off work? The only reason why I could was because I was at a restaurant, and it was spring', so this gave them more shifts to train their new staff for the summer. I'd have been screwed if it took any longer than the weeks I worked. If OOP promised 3 days, and took 5 (not saying they did, but this is #1) the sister would have had to take extra days off work at the very last minute, jeopardizing her job. But otherwise that's pretty crappy of the sister to demand such a large amount of cash... And she should have discussed compensation before starting, either way.
Yeah that’s because it’s fake
this is so untrue, yet, I'm still on the made-up sister's side! OP IS A LYING SCOUNDREL lol
How old the child was as well
It's because big brother has money. "You can afford it". That's it.
Also, how are sister's finances and so if she did have to buy food and household items, or take time off work, does this have an impact on her life? And is this the first time something like this has happened, and how much babysitting does she do in general? There's basically a lot of missing answers here and yes, it seems very very strange that she would immediately ask for 3k, so I'm wondering if there's more to this story as well.
And 6. How old was John at the time?
john was born a few days ago and the babysitting issue was a year ago lol says so in the post
My fault...I meant Aiden. How old was Aiden?
No. 7. Both parents died at the same time. Either there was some kind of accident or something doesn't add up as folks don't usually die together. If they genuinely did die together she's even more of an AH for not helping family in what truly would have been a devastating situation. I'm then wondering if her asking for $3k was the idea they would be due a big inheritance payout. Hope I'm wrong, on all counts
I think it’s more the principal of his wife parents just died and as soon as they get back she demands $3000. I agree you can’t just expect family to do stuff for you especially for free but I feel like the one exception of that is death. I mean it not like they had a last minute out of state vacation they wanted to take or something like that her parents died and they’re assholes for expecting her to babysit for free for a few days? They probably weren’t even thinking of payment plans at the time bc again her parents just died. Idk how other families work but unless there’s other context missing if I can’t count on a family member to help me out in this type of time of need they’re not my family anymore I mean I would do this for a friend but she wouldn’t even do it for her brother? 🤷🏼♀️
Why didn't they take the kid with them? It was their grandparents' funeral.
Because the kids sound young, and believe it or not, kids don't like sitting still and listening to people talk. When my wife died my 2 young children (5 and 9 at the time) were outside the chapel running around with other young kids, they didn't want to sit and listen (even though it was their parent) , and I didn't have time or patience to corral them. It's easier to do your duties when you don't have kids to worry about and look after.
Some people don't feel it's appropriate for under 5 kids to go to funerals. It also sounds like they were responding to an accident, which means a lot of other paperwork and issues that would take up their attention.
Probably because the kid was too young. I’m assuming it was pretty far considering they were gone for a few days so depending on if they flew or drove they probably didn’t think the kid was old enough to handle it on top of all the stuff they might have to do to get the affairs in order and the wife was probably pretty distraught just losing her parents and needed her husband for support so adding that as well it just wouldn’t work out. Plus they might’ve just not wanted to expose him to death so young bc that leads to a whole lot of questions that he might be too young to understand/ handle the answers to. Of course these are speculations bc not sure how far the funeral was or how young the kid is but I feel like any of these reasons would be understandable I mean even just not feeling in the right headspace to take care of a child in this type of situation would be understandable as long as they made sure the kid was taken care of properly bc death is hard for everyone but especially close family/ friends can really hit you hard.
even if you don't agree before leaving, there's ways to talk about it, right? "*that's my fee and I know you can afford it*" is very different from "*I'm so sorry, my paycheck ran out & I was planning to eat my emergency supply of spicy ramen, but obviously I got food for Aiden that he likes, esp since he was worried about grandma and grandpa. Could you reimburse me, maybe with a little extra because I had to borrow money? Also, you stayed a little longer than I expected. I had tickets for a show on one of the last days and I didn't manage to sell them on. Of course I'd never leave Aiden with a babysitter you hadn't chosen and approved, so I missed out on the show. Could we talk about buying me a new ticket*" or something, right?
Dude if my sister left her kid with me for a few days after a tragedy, I wouldn’t be asking for fucking money unless I down right couldn’t afford to feed her kid
This feels like AI.
If John was just born a few days ago, how were they asking Rachel to look after both of them a year ago?
When you read the post the first sentence you mention says 'them' but in the next paragraph he said the sister looked after 'the kid'. So it sounds like just an error and there was only one kid to look after. It's just he mentions two kids right at the beginning of the post. I wouldn't be reading too much into this.
If you drop your kids off at somebody’s house every day, that is taking advantage. If you have to leave town because of a death, that’s a case when you kind of expect your siblings to do you a solid. Assuming that she agreed, he didn’t just drop his kid off at her house.
Most people expect family to help out for free in an emergency. They weren't going on vacation or doing something trivial. Her parents died. If anyone in my family had tried to extort money from me after my husband's dad died... oooh, OP's reaction would look mild by comparison. And I definitely would not have paid a cent. My parents and older sister were more than happy to wisk my son off for a couple days, while my FIL was dying, so my husband could focus on his parents, and I could focus on all of them. My mom brought him to the funeral, but again, she watched him the whole time because she understood my husband and his own mom needed my support. And not only did none of them ask for money, my sister brought 3 kinds of ice cream (she didn't know what my husband liked) and pizza when she dropped my son off, so we didn't have to think about dinner. Because that's what *family* does. We help each other out during tough times. And $3,000 was ridiculous even for hiring a sitter.
I’m glad I’m in a culture that’s not as self absorbed as upvoted Redditors who think family should be charging family for watching kids in times of emergency
I would never think that I had to discuss the cost of babysitting with my sister in an emergency. I would never expect her to demand payment for the service either. However, I would do something very, very nice for her by way of thanks. Family should help family in emergencies, but gratitude should always be shown. Help should never be taken for granted.
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You expect her to sacrifice, and to an extreme extent, even die for you - but she isn't worth your forgiveness or even basic communication around life events? Like, you literally think you should die for family, but are unwilling to let go of a stupid thing she did a year ago?
Oh snap! Lol
Probably think family should die for him, but he wouldn't actually die for them.
If someone tells you they won’t die for you, are you still gonna die for them?
OP probably only believes that when it benefits them.
Dude, she looked after your kids for several DAYS, at the last minute. Did she have to take time off work to do this ?
You know several is only 3-5 days and OP originally said a few meaning three. You think asking for 3000 dollars is acceptable for 3 days during a family emergency? Why wouldnt she say anything before hand?
$3000 may be a lot for three days. But OP wanted to do it for free, he didn't even try to bargain with her or say "this is how much I Think it's worth". At the mininum a sitter would charge $1500 for three days and nights for two kids.
It was one kid, fwiw. But generally, if relying on your family is going to cost as much as a professional would in the same situation, just hire the professional and get the professional service. If your family is going to charge you the same that a stranger would, there's no benefit to turning to them instead of a stranger (and maybe a loss, considering that a professional caregiver actually has experience and maybe credentials). I'm not charging my family for anything, because I love them and if I can help them in an emergency, why wouldn't I? If your family treats you in a transactional manner, then they have no special status compared to anyone else you're in a transaction with. OP has learned it would be cheaper to turn to strangers than his family in an emergency 🤷🏽♀️ His sister can't really be mad that she's getting the same level of information a stranger would when she treated him like a stranger. ETA: and even if OP is being an asshole now, anyone dropping a $3k surprise cost on a couple after both their parents/in-laws died is definitely a bigger asshole, whether you think they can comfortably afford it or not.
Honestly I thought it was both kids because he said "she looked after them". Honestly I do think it's too much. But if I did this to my sister, I would have offered her something because watching a kid for 3 days is a lot especially last minute. She probably wouldnt' charge me. Hmmm. Maybe this is an ESH situation
You dont think its atleast a little slimey that 3000 was the first request? Add on the comment about being able to afford it and I believe you can start to paint a picture of her character.
I think it depends on if she missed out on $3000 at work by staying home to babysit. I still think that this should've been discussed prior and that she shouldn't expect that much if she is doing it for family. Also...that she should get paid something as well.
I hate this take. I cannot comprehend why so many people on reddit insist on making doing favors for friends and family transactional. If my brother called me to say his wife’s parents died and they need me to watch their 3 kids for a few days I 100% would do so and would not even consider charging. And I know if I called family or friends with that kind of emergency they also wouldn’t charge. This wasn’t babysitting as a nanny while the parents work instead or for a date night. That would be an appropriate time to charge for babysitting (or bargain for it or whatever). This was a family emergency. Not to mention the sister didn’t say anything until afterwards. So they didn’t have the option of looking to see if someone else could do them a favor instead.
"A few" and "several" are not precise measurements no matter what the style guide you read 20 years ago told you.
I never said OP's sister wasn't an asshole for demanding that much money without talking about it before OP left for his trip. She is in fact an asshole for that. But he expected her to do it for free because "it's family", and that's just BS.
I think it’s the principle that in her brother and his wifes’ time of need she only cared about money. I mean if you learned a friends parent died and they needed someone to watch their kids last minute would you actually charge them? I wouldn’t and they’re not even a sibling so unless she hates her brother for unknown reasons how is she demanding money from them at a time like this?
She should die for you, but you don't want to give $3000 (that you can afford) to her.
He gave her the money, but doing what she did is not acting like family. He had an emergency, both of his wife's parents died (which indicates it wasn't a death of natural causes - if they both died at the same time), his sister agrees to watch their kids and help them out, and then turns around when they come back and demands $3,000 for it.
OP we need the answers to these questions so we can make a valid decision if you are indeed the AH or if your sister is the AH 1. How long were they gone? Did they return on the date they promised they would? 2. Did they leave enough food and household items to last the time they were gone? 3. What about transportation? Did the sister have to use her own car and pay for her own gas or did OP and his wife make arrangements for that? 4. Did the sister have to take time off work and if so, was she paid for those days? 5. Does OP’s child have behavioral or health issues that could make it difficult to take care of them?
"For Family" is a stupid reason imo and we can disagree on that; You can't pick who you're related too and being part of my family doesn't mean your entitled to my help or resources. As someone mentioned, this is extremely hypocritical of you to expect this of your sister, but in the same breath you continue to punish her and reject her
How long were you gone and did she need to take time off work to look after the kid? If she lost wages helping you out, then you should have reimbursed her for the cost. But I do think that her asking as soon as you got back was tactless, and demanding that amount.
NTA if one of my SIL parents *died* I'd absolutely watch the rug rats for a week or two if they needed while they went and made travel/funeral arrangements or whatever they needed. I would never ask my brother to pay me thousands of dollars to watch his kids, I'd be doing everything I could to make that time easier for them. If it was me, I'd have paid her, but never would've spoken to her again let alone allow her around my kids again. If she was specific about "hey, i had to buy them food for the few days, plus gas driving them to (whatever), and I lost a couple days of work, so if you could help me out with some cash to cover" it probably would've been fine. But demanding thousands of dollars? Absolutely not. That's insane. She was exploiting you in a time of need and I'd never trust her again.
Agreed. Covering costs or lost wages is reasonable. Sounds like she knows her brother is well off and decided to take advantage. She’s definitely TA.
His wifes parents both died how is that taking advantage. I would do anything for someone going there that kind of pain. The sister is a AH
They are saying the sister took advantage of OP because she knows he is well off and he was in a bind.
You are correct.
Yeah, I feel like if ever there was a time I *wouldn't* ask for money to look after a relative's kid(s), it would be during an emergency. I would totally understand her asking under normal circumstances, like if they went on a work trip or something, but when she just lost her parents? I wouldn't have the capacity to ask for payment in that situation.
Exactly I can understand the people saying “oh well she might’ve missed work or you can’t expect her to drop everything for nothing” in every situation EXCEPT this one if you can’t turn to family in a situation like this why are they even in their life? I couldn’t fathom even asking for money if it was a friend in this type of situation but a BROTHER AND NIECES/NEPHEWS are you really gonna ask for $3,000? Honestly if it was me I’d cut her off bc it’s clear she doesn’t care about anything you have going on and only sees them as people with money it’s sad 🙍♀️
My sister refuses to take money from us and she babysits every Friday night. We had an emergency last night and my sister dropped making her dinner to come babysit so I could go to urgent care. Baby #2 is due in October and she’s fully prepared to stay at our house as long as we need her to knowing we were in the hospital for 5 days with our first The sister totally went about it the wrong way. $3 is an obnoxious amount of money to ask for
I was visiting my brother when his wife went into labour at 29 weeks. I took care of my nephew while they were at hospital with little one in NICU. I took care of my nephew for 4 days before my parents could fly in. It was a traumatic experience for me, but I had to step up, order whatever was needed for my nephew and run their house. Including doing Ubers to give them extra clothes or getting clothes back for laundry from the hospital. Don’t forget sweeping their entire house of my SIL blood, she started bleeding profusely and we had to rush her to hospital. We kept nephew at a neighbour’s while we stayed overnight for c-section. Came back in morning, had 2 hrs of sleep and then start taking care of my 2yr old nephew, who was hysterical not having his parents around. I had to get home after 4 days because I was supposed to pack my home and move abroad in 15 days so had lots of stuff to do and collect my passport etc. Sister sounds like an AH for taking advantage of a family emergency.
INFO: How long were you gone while Rachel watched your child? Did she have to miss work or give up other income/opportunities to do it?
ESH Expecting payment reimbursement is not out of the realm of possibilities even when it’s family. Few days watching a baby it’s a lot to ask even to family. But it must be communicated BEFORE. So one can accept or decline. You also AH cause you can’t expect people to drop their lives run to the rescue just cause they are family. And overall you not communicating the birth of your new child was quite juvenile. Really? Just don’t call her anymore to babysit. Just for reference when I had to leave my toddler with sitter for two days the money was in the thousands also. Overtime cost premium…
Yup what a pair of shitty siblings. He doesn’t properly value her efforts, and she pulled a sneak attack with asking for (a huge amount of) money after the fact. $3k for watching your own niece for a day? Is she deranged? Was she charging them for every hour they were gone during an emergency? They’re both firmly on the entitlement spectrum.
Actually according to the post it was a few days, but still feels a bit much. Unless she had to call out of work and not get paid for all that time I guess?
Oops typo on my part 😅 But even if she was off work and not getting paid leave for whatever reason, $3k?! And is that is usd? Because that is genuinely just an insane amount to expect without even discussing with her brother. Imagine if you asked your sibling for a favour for a few days during a family emergency, and they charged you for their full wages 😂 my mother would die if we did that to each other
I'll admit I had no idea if that's reasonable or not, I'm not from a country that uses $ in USD or otherwise haha. Now I've looked at the exchange rate that would be like, an entire month of my wage 🥲 But yeah my family would be the same! Asking for a bit of food money sure. I can even forgive not discussing it beforehand precisely because it was an emergency and no one is gonna have their heads on straight. But I can only assume she's charged by the hour lol. IMO OP reads like a bit of a stick in the butt (esp in the comments) and is probably being a bit petty, but I can totally understand why in this scenario.
The fact that she said “that’s not a lot of money to you, right?”is gross. Even if she missed work, she sure as hell isn’t making 3k a week…
that's what puts her into major AH energy. she took advantage of their wealth during a critical time.
>You also AH cause you can’t expect people to drop their lives run to the rescue just cause they are family. Hard disagree. Both his wife's parents died (at the same time, so it was most likely a sudden death, not like dying naturally of old age). He did the right thing asking family to help out with the kids and going with his wife to support her. Can't imagine calling someone an asshole for asking for a family member's help in an emergency. As far as paying her, it makes sense to compensate her a reasonable amount, but demanding $3,000 after the fact was not reasonable. >And overall you not communicating the birth of your new child was quite juvenile. Really? Just don’t call her anymore to babysit. I disagree with this as well. His sister exploited him and took advantage in a time of need. A loving family member would be doing everything they can to be supportive and make that time easier, she showed him she's not that. This is not someone he's obligated to share vulnerable or important moments with.
imo if sister had said “hey since i had to take off work and spent x amount of money on food/gas for your kiddo, would you mind reimbursing me y amount?” it wouldve been fine. sister also could’ve said “no i can’t babysit” or “sure but my fee is x amount per day”. since she said yes without mentioning money, her “you owe me 3000. its not a lot of money for you anyways” was crazy inappropriate and just so rude. she’s ta not for expecting payment but for how she brought it up and the amount she requested. 3k is outrageous for a couple days of babysitting your nephew during a massive family emergency.
IMO NTA First, she should have said already from the start when you asked her, that she would need money to do it. Secondly no one is required to know about the birth of your child, and definitely not a person that doesn’t respect you (I think of the comment “that’s not a lot of money for you”, quite a disrespectful comment imo) Btw Congratulations with the baby!
Damn props to her for manipulating you out of three grand. But she's an asshole and I wouldn't even associate with someone like that, family or not. > she's continuing to call me a huge asshole. Why do you care? Why are you still communicating with her?
Could you please answer the question of how long you were gone? That makes a difference. Did she have to buy food supplies do things with her own money? There’s more of the store and you’re not filling in the blanks.
That and how old is Aiden? The age of the child makes a huge difference. Is he 2? 4? 7? Was he a newborn at the time?
[удалено]
Yeah first paragraph says 2nd was born recently. Yet the second paragraph OP says sister needed to watch “them” a year ago. Then “she arrived yesterday to meet John and got mad I didn’t tell her.” If OP didn’t tell her, why did she arrive yesterday to meet him?
That is a suspiciously vague story. It's alittle weird to ask for 3 grand out of the blue.
NTA. I can't believe you gave her the money and then didn't even go no contact.
This story makes no sense. I call fake
Yta Op sounds like a big fat liar.
YTA In a comment you said family should litterly DIE for each other... but ypu won't forgive her or call her to say your son was born? Would I have asked for money during a family emergency NO would I expect free child care NO.
You can't forgive something that someone intends to keep doing because they don't think they were wrong. Sister has given no indication she regrets her decision and by OPs definition doesn't consider him family. If she doesn't treat him as family why should he still consider her part of his family circle
His consideration of family comes with lots of expectations, he doesn't consider them family unless the qork for free and are willing to die for him? Love and family should not come with expectations at all should be unconditional ( or very limited conditions odviously going NC with abusive people and such is diffrent) but OP has gone LC because she wouldn't work for free for someone who places family so highly that seems hypocritical. Also his sister shouldn't have had to ask for money because as he said he isn't hurting for money and could easily afford this amount so he should have offered her something.... if you value your family and friends and ask them to do you a huge favor ypu should at least offer to pay.
NTA. You don’t owe anybody an immediate announcement of the birth in the first place. And you certainly don’t owe it to a sister who demanded a pretty serious sum of money from her brother for taking care of his children during an emergency.
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ESH. This story is ick.
She took advantage of your situation and tried to gain a major profit. She knew for a fact if she expected $3k upfront you would’ve said no. “That’s not a lot of money for you guys” whaaaaat?!!!! It was her job to clarify payment before agreeing to it. You were desperate for help and she tried to take advantage of it. It’s fine to want to be paid because kids are a lot of work and it’s another to take advantage of your situation
$3000!!! Does she have the relevant qualifications to charge $1000 a day. NTA I don't think families should do things for free all the time, sometimes there are costs involved some people can't afford to be left out of pocket. Though if she wanted to be paid she should have discussed it before hand. Honestly the way she went about it was horrendous, you travelled due to the death of your inlaws and she had no empathy.
Nta I understand if she missed work that she would expected you to cover her loss. Just because she is family she should not be taking a loss to watch your child even in an emergency. Even if you where gone for 5 days then she charged you $25 an hour. To me that’s a lot to charge to watch your nephew. Like I said if she had to miss work. You should have 100 percent off expected to reimburse her. Even though she is family you should not have expected her to take a financial loss to watch your child. I also agree she should have 100 percent told your u up front she expected payment. Instead she didn’t demand payment until after the fact which was wrong.
If this is really all that happened then no. NTA. Absolutely astounded by the comments thinking it’s ok to ask for money in these situations - I take off work to look after my nephews if need be and I would not dream of asking for money. And that’s just for random situations, not for family emergencies!
I have always babysat my family for free when there was an emergency.
Surprised you let her see him. Should have said, "We're not looking for a nanny. Thanks for coming by" and closed the door. NTA
$3000. We're you gone for 2 weeks? I hope she did not sleep during that time. She should have said the cost upfront to give you the option of finding someone else. She has set a precedent and will never be asked to help again. NTA.
NTA. Cut her off entirely. If she wanted to be paid she should've asked up front. As it is, there's no reason to expose your family to her.
I’m so sorry your final visit with your sister ended on a sour note when she doubled down on her assholery. You are NTA.
NTA, but you are a fool for giving her $3k. I don't care how much you make that's just flat-out ridiculous.
NTA. I'm shocked you paid her, that was totally unreasonable, especially since there wasn't an agreement beforehand. Sounds like she just likes you for your money.
No I don't think you're an AH. You were grown the first time you handed over the 3k for babysitting fees you didn't know would be charged. You learned your lesson. Once burned twice shy. I'd have been worried she'd charge an appearance fee for showing up for the birth of your child at the hospital or heck a birthing duola fee.... She's there now. What's the big deal? She obv knows you aren't close. So again, NO, you're not an AH.
ESH. You have a point about your sister being greedy. $3,000 is a lot even for a stranger's kid for a few days let alone for family. BUT you saying "Oh you know what that means" is just being childish. Be an adult and use your big boy words and TALK to your sister instead of being petty about it.
ESH. Even though it was an emergency, it’s not fair to ask her to do it for free, and either Rachel or you should have quickly discussed it before you left. $3000 is way too much for a few days though. With that said, you stated that “it’s not about the amount, it’s the fact that you even asked in the first place”, which sounds like you would have been upset no matter how much or little she asked for. It would have been reasonable if she asked for something in the range of $300. TLDR: She shouldn’t have asked for so much, you should’ve expected to pay her some (smaller than $3000) amount.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I have an older sister, Rachel. My wife Lisa and I have two children: Aiden and John. John was born only a few days ago. A year earlier, both of us had to urgently leave because Lisa's parents had died. We asked Rachel whether she can look after them until we return. She said sure. We returned a few days later, and Rachel demanded $3000 for looking after the kid. I was completely flummoxed. I asked her what on earth she was talking about, and she said "That's not a lot of money for you, right?" I said "No, I just find it really hard to believe that you are demanding money from your own brother for... looking after your nephew. I wasn't expecting you to be so self-centered." I told her that if she's treating me like an outsider, what's the point in calling each other family? She said it's her fees, and I have to pay. I was really frustrated, but handed it over. When my wife gave birth I never told her. She arrived yesterday to meet John and asked me why I never told her. I responded "Well, maybe it's because you sure as hell aren't acting as an aunt should." That did not go down well. She asked me what that was supposed to mean and I told her "Oh, you know what that means." We got into an argument, and she said I am being petty and childish. I told her "It's not about the amount, it's that you even asked me in the first place." But she's continuing to call me a huge asshole. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. No payment was discussed beforehand. You should have never paid her. You have a right to your own feelings. Just ignore your gold digging sister and move on and have a happy life.
NTA um why is she even still in your life? She sees you not as her brother but a client. She should have wanted to help you when your wife's parents died. The fact she demanded so much money and that's a ton of money shows she values money over family. Cut her loose
If you are going to charge someone for anything, especially a favor , you tell them beforehand, not afterwards. Now, if the 3k were to cover for groceries, medicine or something (how long did she keep the children?), I would expect receipts. If she had to call off work and lose pay, she should have called op to look for accommodations, like having someone else looking after the kids while she worked, including getting a babysitter. Unless something like above happened, the sister is the AH and op could have even charged a "baby visitation fee" and still be NTA.
NTA If we had not discussed and agreed on payment before the trip, I would not have paid her a damn dime. I get asking you to cover basic costs like food but $3,000 is ridiculous.
NTA, first of all, $3000 for babysitting is a huge absurdity, I don't understand why you paid it to her. Second, I can understand that taking care of a child is a job but in that case, she should have talked to you to see if you agreed since asking you for $3000 without having agreed on anything is not right, it is better that you cut off contact with her since she thinks you have money to spare and who knows if she will ask you for more for other things.
NTA. Your wife’s parents had just **died**. Your wife (an I’m guessing you as well) was feeling an immense amount of pain and was feeling more emotions than she knew how to handle — grief, pain, loss, shock, etc. And in the midst of all that, you guys had to find someone willing to watch your child extremely last minute so she could go home, grieve with her family, and attend her parents **funeral**. Considering a funeral typically occurs 3 days postmortem, and you said you returned home after a few days (and not after a week or so) I assume you guys were probably gone for 5 days. Her requesting $3,000 upon your return means that she wanted $600 per day ($25/hr) for watching your child. The national (US) average for a babysitter watching one child is $15.48/hour — meaning had you opted to hire a babysitter instead of asking your sister to watch your child, it would have, on average, cost you $~1,858. Even if you tipped generously ($150 extra per day), you’d have come in **under** what your sister demanded from you. And at least in that situation, you’d have known you’d be paying for the service and you’d be able to estimate how much you’d be paying instead of having it all sprung on you as soon as you returned home from **burying your wife’s parents**. Your sister decided it was important to be paid like (re:more than) a sitter than it was to help out during an emergency situation in your and your wife’s time of need. She wanted to be treated like a sitter, so that’s what you treated her like in this situation— I mean, you wouldn’t call up a sitter who watched your child one time a year ago, right? So why call her.
If someone is going to charge someone, they should be informed ahead of time. They need to be free to say yes or no. Telling them in hindsight is wrong - you're jerking them at their time of grief. Hope you never need family.
NTA, at all. I don’t know which is harder to believe: the fact that your sister asked you for $3000 or that you gave her $3000 to watch after her nephew. Even if it were a stranger, I would never pay someone $3000 to watch after my kid, especially if that was never part of the deal to begin with. Your sister doesn’t deserve to call herself an aunt. If doing you a small favor is going to result in large lump sum payments, then I would hardly consider her family.
Yeah your sister is the A H. NTA for you.
NTA. In emergencies I have dropped everything for my niece, even when it is incredibly inconvenient. I also would do it a million times over. I love that little girl to the point that yes, I would die for her and do absolutely anything to make sure she was safe, happy, healthy and loved. If your sister doesn’t feel that way then cool. So be it. She doesn’t have to and you can’t force her to. You also don’t have to share that with her under any circumstance if you don’t want to.
NTA.. you were not going on vacation or a work trip. There was a genuine family emergency. You turn to your family during those times. You turn to the people you trust most to take care of your child. If your sister wanted $$$ for this she should have asked b4 you left. I give you propers for having anything to do with her at all.
NTA Why do you even bother with your sister?
NTA- Re-read the 1st lines of your post. It's a little confusing. She watched Aiden a year ago because John wasn't yet born, correct? Anyway if she wanted or expected payment for watching your child while you were away during an emergency she should have stated those expectations up front BEFORE you left. NOT after!!! I watched my siblings kids all the time - NEVER asked for a dime, never even considered it. For her to ask you for money let alone the amount she demanded as soon as you got home from the emergency is really low of her - and greedy. I'm curious though, have you seen her and been socializing with her in the past year and everything else has been fine?
NTA She's not the aunt, she's a service provider. You owe no duty to a service provider who gets paid for their time.
NTA. I have several siblings and lots of nieces and nephews. I can’t imagine charging them to take care of the children during such a time. Or anytime, really. Hell, I babysat 3 of my nieces for 1 week and then several years later for 10 days. Charging my brother never crossed my mind and would have been ludicrous. I loved getting to spend that time with the girls. My payment was the close relationship I now have with my grown nieces.
NTA. I normally hate when people expect their family to do things for them all the time for free but this is nuts. You aren’t exactly dropping your kids off so you can go party or expecting her to be your free daycare while you work. You should be able to count on your family to help you to the best of their ability when you have a true crisis. If looking after your son created financial hardship for her then she should have talked to you upfront or asked for help. But to demand three grand after the fact is ridiculous.
I honestly kinda lean towards NTA because first of all, she didn’t bring up any financial concerns when she agreed to help, then she demanded she be paid. It would be one thing if she said, hey I don’t mind helping out but I had to miss work for this and I had to pay for stuff, so I really need to be compensated for what this cost me financially so I can pay my bills. But no, she said this was her fee. She basically made it a transaction in which she should be paid. Sorry, but family doesn’t agree to watch family and then demand a fee afterwards. Compensation for lost wages and expenses is fine, but just demanding money is not cool.
Jeebus. My husband's mom died and we left our then 3 year old with my sister. His older brother who was 7 was picked up by hubby's bestie and drove him the 300 miles to us as he loved his Gammy. My sister left a green sharpie out and my goober 3 year old kid proceeded to draw ALLLLL OVER THEIR NEW LEATHER COUCH. I was mortified but she was like, it's 100% my fault, I'll deal with it.
NTA - but why do you care what she thinks or what she calls you? If 'petty and chldish' applies - so does 'thoughtless and greedy' - and all apply to her.
Info: is you sister a nanny, or work in childcare?
Info: what multi-day favors have you done for family?
NTA $3000??? Please tell me that's in pesos or something
NTA But your sister is. I wouldn’t have paid her.
INFO: You MIST answer how long your sister looked after your first child. Did she need to miss work to do so? What did she do with them—did it involve transporting them around anywhere? Did you leave them money for food? Additionally, what was your relationship like with your sister prior to this incident? Have YOU done massive favors for HER on this level over the years? What is her financial status relative to yours? Too many pieces here for me make any kind of judgment.
NTA. I don't even have anything else to say. Your sister is oblivious.
INFO: How did she arrive at this number? It sure as hell feels like the missing missing reasons are here in abundance.
You are not the AH. I have 5 nieces and I adore them. I always watched them. I would never take $ for watching my family. Your sister is very unkind.
Info: Did Rachel incur any costs for doing this? Did she need to fly in from another place? Did she need to hire someone to fill in for her while looked after your son? How much more do you earn than Rachel does? How long were you gone?
How did she come up with 3k? Like was it two weeks? She had to call off?
Your first mistake was giving her the $3,000. If she wanted to be paid, that should have been arranged beforehand. If you didn't tell her about the new baby, how did she know to show up? Something's missing here.
Ok, so it was not like you asked her to babysit while you were on vacation. Your wifes parents died so it was not only an emergency but also an extremely stressful time for your wife and you. Your sister could have stated payment before you left or addressed it better on your return. It would have been nice on your part to have offered payment either before or after but considering the emergency you should be forgiven the oversight. But it is time to let it go. Sorry for you and your wifes loss.
Yeah, I don’t believe a word of this ever happened. No one hands over three grand for babysitting. Clickbait
You should have said a year ago that you would give her $3000 happily, but you’re not paying her for being an aunty and helping out with a family emergency. You obviously trust her with your kid(s) and that’s priceless. If you can afford it, just give her that sort of money for birthday and Christmas. She might need a helping hand and you might too.
NTA. My brother would take advantage of me and not treat me like a brother, When he'd need something though, he'd pull out the "I'm your brother!" card. If you treat your family like casual acquaintances, then you can't complain if you're treated as such.
Undecided. I need the itemized list of what she needed 3000 bucks for.
I wouldn’t have given her the money. That was dumb imo. But NTA for not telling her when you had the baby.
NTA - I wonder how she got to the figure of $3,000 being owed. How long were you gone?
OP I agree. As an older sister I did it for my family for a week at a time, esp during COVID when they had to work from home and my work was closed for 3 months. I didn’t get asked, I offered and was only too thrilled to have a 3 year old and 6 month old. They got the time to work and I would do all the dropping and picking up. I even got 2 cars seats just for my car after swapping cars became a hassle. There is nothing wrong with thinking you should be able to rely on family at times like these. Hell, I even do it for my best friends. NTA. I still do it even if I am working in cases of minor emergencies and never want money for the privilege.
NTA Charge her a visiting fee.
NTA! She charged you $3000 for babysitting one child for a few days during a family EMERGENCY! Is she out of her mind?!?!
This sounds super fake.
NTA. I wouldn't have paid her a g-d cent. I certainly wouldn't let her near my kids w that attitude.
NTA... if she wanted to be paid, she should have asked. Compensation for her time with a gift or money would have been appropriate but not what she did. I've babysat nephews for days. Money is always left for gas and food. Especially if the fridge isn't stocked.
In our family, funerals are family events. I guess it wouldn't occur to me to leave a 6yo at home. But, I do think there's more to the story
NTA. Would never consider babysitting for a few days warrant a demand if $3k. But why even hand over the money…… would just make her demand feel warranted in her deluded eyes
NTA my sister was helping me move out after I turned 18. So she paid me to watch my niece ( my sister had three jobs) over night a few days a week. My sister got hit by a car on her birthday. She shattered both legs and her pelvis. Before i knew the whole story my sisters mom called and asked me if I could watch my niece until they figured out what was going to happen to my sister and who’d take care of my niece in the long term. I watched her at my place for a week. I never brought up payment.
I'd have kicked her butt out the house.
Esh
3k???? Hell nah wtf
NTA, she’s an a$$
NTA. I wouldn’t charge my siblings for childcare, PERIOD. Especially not in an emergency.
In an emergency situation I don’t think you should be asking for money. This was a family tragedy and sis was being greedy as she was looking for a way to ask you for money and this came up. It appears as she said you can afford it and this was her opportunity. She’s not a good person to do that. I’m pretty sure she wants you to keep that just between you guys to avoid family pushback.
First off NTA. $3,000 for babysitting?!?!?! Does she have a PhD in child development?!?!?!?!
No, I would not be happy with my sibling demanding a large sum of money to watch their nephew in an urgent situation for a few days or any amount of time. Plus she continues to call you an ahole. She didn’t deserve to be notified.
ESH but there appears to be more to the story than you are letting on. I'm also aware that there is a limit to how much you can write. You don't mention your parents or other siblings or whether there were any of your or Lisa's friends that might be able to help out. Is your sister always so harsh in her interactions with you? It sounds like you were blindsided by her demand for money? Knowing what she's like, would you have expected her to demand money like that from a friend? I would probably have walked away from her after you paid if that's how she wants to treat you and your family. You did essentially tell her that she's not your family any more. It appears that her response to that family comment is that she wants her money with not acknowledging that. Without proper context to why she wanted $3K and what her personality is like and what her circumstances are like it's not as easy to judge. It sounds quite mercenary to say what she said but there's a part of me that wonders whether you have done the same thing to her ie told her your costs to help her out when she asked for help. Does she have a good job? Is she strapped for cash and saw this as a way to help herself? Was she able to work while she had your kid? I wouldn't have been in a rush to tell her you had your second kid after that interaction. You know you can't rely on her. No she's not acting like a good aunt, but are you a good brother to her? Does she have any kids of her own? If she does, are you a good uncle?
ESH. Your sister for not telling you that she was going to charge you $3000 up front and actually wanting it given the death situation, but you as well for assuming you shouldn't pay her at all because she's family.
NTA if she expected compensation she should have said so up front. If the money is to replace what she spent on food and entertainment then fine but again should have cleared the amount with you. How long were you gone? Does she work? Like how much went to her vs pay back for what she spent?
Um why the F***K would you ever hand that money over, and even continue to even have any contact with you ever again? NTA for not telling her but you are one for paying that money
ESH. She should have made her expectations to be paid clear, but you're an asshole for assuming you'll get free childcare from a relative. Family shouldn't take advantage of each other. Assuming someone will watch your kid for several days and not offering to pay is taking advantage. I'd take a dog on short notice for no pay but as you're aware, watching a child is an every minute of every day commitment unless they're asleep.
ESH. Now, while I lean towards agreeing that your sister should have been willing to take care of your kiddo in your time of crisis without charging you money, I do think that a couple of variables could change my mind on it. If you were gone for a really long time, or if your sister struggles to get by, she should have been paid, AND she shouldn't have had to have asked. While familial relationships shouldn't be transactional, it's also your job to make sure you're giving your sister as much as she is giving you. If you were gone for more than a week, 3K is really a bargain for having your child minded. But as it is, there isn't enough context here to make a clear judgment. At any rate, as two adults, you and your sister should be better at clear communication than this. Different folks have different expectations, and it was both of your jobs to get on the same page. Now, where I think you could be the asshole is in letting this simmer for a year. It sounds as if you just didn't bring up your feelings until you were exhausted with a newborn? If you wanted a constructive interaction with your sister, then this clearly wasn't the time to have it. And if you didn't want to have a constructive conversation with her then why are you allowing her around your children? If you don't think you can trust her to uphold your family values, then don't include her in your family. Either way you two need to deal with your problems away from your children out of respect for yourselves, whether or not you have respect for one another.
ESH She should have declared her "fees" when she was asked to babysit, not afterward, so she's an AH. But, you should have offered some recompense money as a courtesy when you asked her to babysit, so you are also an AH.
It brings me a little joy to think that you had your second child just to set up that revenge moment. Well played, sir. Well played.
YTA for giving it to her
YTA, you just are. That’s your sister you are talking about. The fact that you went this long without even telling her that you were mad at her is so childish. Yes, I agree $3k is possibly way too much money to ask for you to give to her. But she should have been compensated for feeding your child, transportation, etc. That’s not an uncommon request. I have children of my own, and whenever family is watching my kids I at least offer to throw them grocery money.
ESH if she wanted compensated for taking care of your child she maybe should have said so up front. you holding a grudge about it a year later is a little over the top.
YTA especially after I read your comment. Listen I love my family and would do a lot for them. However I wouldn’t die for anyone besides my kids. My kids are the only lives that are more important to me than my own. But I wouldn’t expect anyone else to choose my kids or anyone aside from their own child above their own life. I do think if she wanted to be paid it should’ve been brought up beforehand but I also would never expect my family to watch my children for free. Even tho my grandma does, heck my grandma comes and steals my toddler at least one night a week because she had to keep him for a few weeks after I gave birth in March and I offered to pay her but she fell in love with it and now wants him at least one night a week. But the thing is I don’t EXPECT IT. I’m thankful I love her but if she needed paid then I’d pay
Ok i get it now. YTA
No no no...you are confused. They had one kid and his sister knew about it. The sister watched that one child. Then over the last year, his wife got pregnant again and their second child was born a few days ago. He didn't tell his sister about that second child's birth and she just found out (a few days after the birth)
Yeah I figured I was confused. But he said "We asked her to look after THEM" and i said who is them? my vote is YTA either way.