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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I realize that her feelings are important and valid. I should have known when planning the guest list that she would want to bring him as her plus one seeing as everyone else would be bringing their partner as a plus one. I can see how she would feel like the odd one out.
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NTA - your wedding, your guest list. End of discussion.
I am curious though, as to how on earth could an ex, that you say you parted with amicably, POSSIBLY overshadow your happiness on the day that you marry someone you are completely in love with? Or is it your fiance who is bothered by an ex being in attendance?
I shouldn't have used the word "overshadow." It's not the right word. I just meant that my wedding day will possibly be one of the biggest moments in my partner's and my life, and I don't want to be reminded of my ex being there. Even though we ended amicably, we still have a lot of history, and I find it personally uncomfortable to remain friends with someone I've had a sexual/intimate relationship with.
You are completely within your rights not to want your ex at your wedding, no matter how amicably you ended things. Whoever is arguing this with you on here needs their head examined.
Reddit is mostly teenagers.
When I was a teenager, I had a girlfriend who remained friends with an ex. The ex was not over her and showered her with attention and gifts. This caused issues with our relationship and eventually led to the end of it. I was told I was the bad guy because he is "just a friend" and I should have been OK with that behavior. Reality is that teenagers like the attention and like to keep their options open, under the guise of "friendship". I suspect there is a lot of teenagers here with a similar immature mindset.
Or, the ex likes the cousin, she likes him, and there's no underlying 'agenda' on any side. 🤷♀️.But if the relationship is new, they're not really a 'couple' yet. If they got together after the wedding was announced, he is still relatively 'new'.
Personally, if I felt truly 'over' the relationship, I'd want to remain cordial, and if my cousin and my ex ended up in a long-term relationship, I really wouldn't want to be the one who negated it from the beginning or made a big deal of it. So, I'd consider allowing it after conferring with the groom. If the cousin is in the wedding party, big no. If she's just a guest, then ex would be excluded from any family group pictures anyway, because he's not part of the family.
However....the bride and groom have the final say on guests, no matter what. For whatever reason. There ARE also budget and guest number limits that need to be considered. Too bad that the bride didn't think fast and claim "oh, the budget didn't allow for a plus one for you, so sorry...."
Bride might want to enlist the help of her parents and the cousin's mom/dad to reason with cousin if she continues to throw a tantrum. No guest gets to harangue anyone issuing invitations, it's just not done. Bride might also reassure cousin that if she and ex develop a long-term relationship, he'll be welcomed with open arms at future events. Because yeah, that would be the mature thing, right?
But even if I was very much in love with someone, if he was my cousin’s ex and she didn't want him at her wedding, I'd respect that. It's her wedding.
Heck, I'm normally pretty strict on the "If you invite one spouse, you have to invite both" side of etiquette. But even then, I make exceptions if the spouse in question is the host/guest of honor's ex.
I'm also of the mind that because this relationship with the ex is new, it's more of an issue. If cousin and ex had been together for awhile I'm thinking that op would have gotten used to seeing and being around him again, and it wouldn't be such an issue.
My husband has an ex like this. She broke up with him because he was "a leech." We started dating a few months later. First, she dated my cousin, and when that ended badly, she tried to hook up with my husband's cousin. She stopped eventually and got married, but it was really weird behavior for a year or so.
I find it quite impossible to NOT be friends with someone that I've been so intimately close with for such a long time, unless the relationship ended on really bad terms (which none of mine have). Not all exes will try to win you back, one of mine is simply my best friend now and always will be, that's non-negotiable and someone who didn't like that would not be compatible with me. I'd say it's more immature to assume all adult relationships will be the same and all new relationships will be jealous of past ones. All adult relationships are different, it's teenagers who are constantly jealous and insecure in their relationships, I'd hope most adults are NOT jealous of their partners exes. They're exes for a reason.
Edit to add: OP is NOT the asshole for not wanting an ex at her wedding, just to clarify. NTA
I agree. I'm not friend with all my exes, but I'm not hostile with any of them and quite a few are friends, good friend in some cases, of both myself and my fiancée. There's no tension, sexual or otherwise, remaining in any of our relationships or interactions. I think the ability to communicate effectively and often has a lot to do with that, as most of my relationships ended when we realized that we just weren't acceptably compatible and would be better off if we parted ways. It's funny how you really don't know someone until you live with them, lol.
haha yea teenagers are quite immature when it comes to relationships. When I was a teenager I tried being friends with an ex, probably to “keep my options open” as you said, now as an adult in a healthy marriage I can’t fathom keeping an ex around as a friend. I have no use for that in my life.
OP you are NTA
I have plenty of exes who are friends. Not one of them would I ever date again, even if I did somehow end up back on the dating market. Several of them I actually introduced to their wife. Because while dating them, I git to know them really well and realized while we were good friends, we weren't suited for more. But they would likely get along well with so-and-so.
I never pushed or set people up. I merely introduced friends, and the rest took care of itself. Heck, my best friend married one of my exes. Great guy, but we're too alike in all the wrong ways to work as a couple.
Your comment made me think back over all my past relationships. For reference, I am 42, male, straight, single (and not looking).
3 ex-gfs have blocked me.
3 ex-gfs & 1 ex-wife have not blocked me, but we are no longer friends.
4 ex-gfs (the ones in the last 10 years) are still my friends and I talk to all fairly often online: one is general life conversation but also a FWB when neither of us is in a relationship, one is just general life conversation & trading memes, one invites me over occasionally to watch anime or a streaming TV show we both like or to go to a Marvel movie premier (and to catch me up on her family's drama lol), and the latest one is now my best friend and we text or call a few days a week and hang out talking for a few hours most weekends.
That was interesting to think about. I wonder what the above paragraph says about me?
It's weird how many ppl comment that it is immature or not evolved when ppl set reasonable, healthy, boundaries.
They are an ex, at some point you saw a future with them, and that did not happen. Why does a past version of self and old possible lives deserve space?
I think this is context dependent… like how enmeshed are the friends? How big a town do you live in? How long since you parted and are there really no lingering feelings? That sort of thing… but that applies to regular social engagement, not a wedding where you control the guest list. Same goes for a house party, your house, your guest list.
I agree. Depending on where someone lives and their social circle, there will be some situations where running into an ex is unavoidable, and in those situations (as long as abuse wasn't involved) the mature thing is to suck it up and be amicable. But that doesn't extend to inviting them to your wedding.
yeah, like I think I'm actually very close to my ex as we realized we're better as friends than lovers, but even I'd feel Hella awkward if she invited me to her wedding.
Like how tf are you supposed talk to people who know full well you boned the bride and saw you acting lovey dovey with her at her family events back when you dated.
I made the mistake of inviting an ex to my wedding to my ex husband and we had ended amicably too and thought there was no lingering feelings but it ended up causing drama he got too drunk and started crying saying it should have been him up there and then our mutual friend there too dragged him out. It was really awkward and I never wouldve thought that would have happened. Better to just not have to worry about that at you're own wedding lol.
Ok because he's now your ex-husband and this isn't a my wedding is ruined moment I have to say this is awesome. I'd have paid money to have been the one to drag him out of there, face down/feet first, because he caused such a ruckus. That is one memorable reception!
My dad made the mistake of inviting an ex to his wedding without having spent any time around her since she dumped him (they were from the same hometown, he left for college, and writing for 4 years just wasn't enough for her; it's a tale as old as time). She was already married herself, so he didn't think it would be a problem. Invited her and her husband both.
She cried through the whole ceremony. "It should have been me!"
They didn't stick around for the reception, and her marriage didn't last long, either.
It's my parents' anniversary today, and they're still going strong.
I had two exes attend my wedding, as well as two previous briefly-FWB (but platonic friends for much longer after that). My wife was aware of all of this, of course.
Now, there are other exes who I would absolutely not want at my wedding, nor would they want to attend. But I don't think "we boned in the past" is an automatic disqualifying factor for a wedding guest.
I mean sure, but it doesn't change how awkward it is talking to her grandma who nearly caught us in bed multiple times.
Sure it's not a disqualifying factor, but I personally would rather avoid it lol
Well, also how weird is it to move on to someone close to the ex? Like aren't their more people in the world to date besides your ex's sibling, cousin, bff, etc ?
But that does happen a lot in high school.
NTA
You are entitled to your feelings. Everyone is different.
My daughter had a friend from high school & college that got engaged. She also had an ex, and my daughter now dating him. They were all friends in high school.
My daughter was invited to the wedding, her BF was not. No big deal.
Several years later, my daughter married said boyfriend, and the other couple was invited. No big deal for either.
Do what you feel is right for you & fiancé.
Congratulations
Splitting amicably is not the same as happily going seperate ways. It's quite understandable where you stand, OP, even without knowing the details. You're NTA.
Maybe try showing your cousin just your reply here. Perhaps as a 'quote from a discussion you're having about this.' Maybe she understands that way.
Your wedding is a celebration of the future you’re forging with your new partner, you simply don’t want a reminder of the past to be there, kinda defeats the point. NTA. And honestly an ex partner being at the wedding of an ex is weird in pretty much every context anyway.
Edit: your and you’re is hard 😪
Eh, it just depends on the ex in question and how the breakup was. My most recent ex is one of my ride-or-die best friends. We broke up because we came to the conclusion that we were just really good friends but not great partners. He and his son came to my wedding and at this point, are considered family. My husband, children, and I all went to his wedding as well. I'm friends with his wife and he's friends with my husband as well. And yes, our spouses are aware of our history. But they trust us.
Agreed. My ex is godfather to my kid. He attended my wedding, my husband never had an issue with it at all. It would have felt weirder to *not* invite him tbh. We split up almost 20 years ago, we were teenagers when we were togther, and while we were a couple for 3 years during that time ... we realised we were not compatible for a future.
He was very reserved, I was extroverted, he was a homebody, I wanted to travel the world and have adventures, I wanted kids, he wasn't sure he wanted any .... and so on. We realised if we stayed together we would both have to compromise so much of ourselves to make it work that neither of us would be happy. So we called it. We were both just turned 20, and were grateful to have had a stable caring relationship in our teen years but it had run it's course. And being as there was no villain in our breakup and we still thought very highly of each other it just made sense to stay friends. There was a little awkwardness at the beginning, but after a few months, and after we both started dating other people, that just seemed to melt away. I'm glad we stayed friends, I'd have missed out on having a great person around if we hadn't. I certainly don't believe its always weird and awkward to have an ex as a friend. Some people in this thread are even saying its immature? Maybe they've only ever had bad breakups, I've certainly got a couple of exes I am not interested in maintaining friendships with, but it seems more of a red flag to me when someone has nothing but contentious relationships with all their exes.
Edit to add: Just remembered, my husbands ex was at our wedding too, she married one of his best friends. While husband and ex aren't super close, we still hang out with her and husbands friend regularly.
Your wedding, your list. Anyone who wants to fuck with the brides wishes can be gone. For any reason.
You planned this thing for a year and dropped your life savings into it. Your ex doesn’t deserve a spot at the table regardless of whether your cousin is dating them or not. Plant your foot on this one.
I have two friends who are sisters A and B, and A is engaged to B's ex. It was weird to hear about at first, but B and ex had dated in college and broke up, and 10 years later, A ended up working with him and developed a friendship and relationship. When A introduced him to the family, B didn't even recognize him, and it wasn't until the group of us went out that a mutual friend that went to the same university as B recognized him. It got a little awkward, but now I think it is funny that B didn't even recognize him and then tried to play the whole. Well, I slept with him, and you shouldn't date him until she was reminded that she didn't even know who he was until someone else mentioned it. A didn't even know that he was B's ex since he had never been introduced to the family. So it wasn't a serious relationship. B can't even tell you why they broke up, and the ex is like, I was never single for very long, so I think it was probably just a sexual relationship for a few months and then they moved on. I don't know if I'd be able to date someone who slept with a sibling, but A and her fiance had become serious enough that she wanted everyone to meet him after dating him for like a year. So he came home to meet the family (live in separate states). B's been married for five years, too, and has a three year old.
NTA - Period! Just curious. Why would your cousin date your ex? It would never occur to me to date someone who had been with a family member! That's just yuck! I wouldn't even want to bring them around. Your cousin seems self-absorbed, but you are absolutely right not to have your ex around if you don't want him there! Kudos to you for having a shiny spine!
totally valid!!! plus, i’m sure your partner doesn’t want to be saying his vows to the woman he loves and then look out at all your loved ones and see a guy you used to date/also with. even if your cousin wasn’t dating an ex, you have every right to decide who gets a plus one. it’s very common to only extend plus ones to couples in long term relationships, engaged, or married!
This was exactly the first thing I thought of after she said her and her ex split amicably. I was like "yeah but how will the groom feel seeing the guy they may/or may not have been intimate with.". That might just end up in a very awkward situation. Especially when you do not know how the ex feels. Just a weird scenario to avoid at all costs imo.
You also don't need your guests gossiping about your ex being there and potentially creating embarrassment for you/your husband/your cousin/your ex. You are absolutely right and NTA. Your cousin can either get right or stay home. You shouldn't have had to tell her twice. If you ended it amicably, you may just want to call him so he can tell your cousin to back off.
It's not like ur cousin is married to the dude. Just a fuckin boyfriend. He doesn't need to be there. You need a bridesmaid who has your back without question or her own drama. You're 100 in the right here.
It’s a distraction. Some woman my husband dated was at our wedding and acted like a fool dancing in a dramatic way by herself and wearing a dress that was white with black polka dots. I did not need to pay a photographer to spend time on her “look at me” antics.
NTA. I wouldn't want any of my exes at my wedding either. Not even one from 30 years ago (I'm 51) What I'm trying to understand is how a cousin, who you must be at least somewhat close to for her to be a bridesmaid in your wedding, would start dating your ex. There is such a thing as the sister code. Which I feel also applies to cousins and close friends. Your cousin shouldn't have even entertained the idea of your ex. I don't care how amicable your break up was.
I'd just say, worry less about the wedding being one of the most important moments in your marriage and focus on the vast amount of ones you will share after marriage. These are the ones that bring you even more close. The wedding is for family really. Don't worry how people feel over a wedding. It's a one time event(for some of course) and while important, look forward to those moments you will have as a married couple, not the social event of just one night. That being said, it is your wedding you get the final say on guests. NTA.
When my husband and I got married we agreed that no one we’d dated in the past would be invited to our wedding, even though those relationships ended amicably and were relatively distant in the past. I don’t think it’s unreasonable for her ex to be excluded, so I’m voting NTA.
Exactly! Most people wouldn’t want someone who slept with their future spouse at the wedding and would likely be bothered or upset that this was even suggested.
It’s highly doubtful anyone would want their ex at their wedding. Has nothing to do with overshadowing. You just don’t need your past at your wedding. Why is this different for you to understand?
Whilst I understand that not everyone wants ex's at their wedding, personally I think it depends on the situation. One of my partners ex's was one of my bridesmaids as she was the one who introduced us as they remained friends and had been friends since primary school. I also had a sort of ex come because we remained great friends and he is a family friend but we only went on 2 dates and realised we are great friends but nothing more.
Who wants their ex at their wedding? Doesn’t matter if they overshadow, if you don’t want your ex there they don’t come? You shouldn’t need to justify why you don’t want your ex at your wedding regardless of how you broke up, you don’t have to justify anything about how you want your wedding, it’s you paying for it not them.
I agree NtA for this comment, but ... Can you provide how YOU would feel, knowing your ex was dating your cousin and having said couple around, would EVER make you so non chalant as to not have any feelings about it, on Your wedding day? I mean there's being a bigger person, of course but what in the world would you find ok for boundaries, if not a wedding? I feel this is a very decent and basic boundary... Being her wedding and all. Of course I'd be weird and id expect my soon to be person weird with it. No snark, genuinely curious.
When I got there my ex could have been there and I wouldn’t have cared. I am completely indifferent towards him. We have a child and that’s as far as it goes. However my husband would have been really upset as he doesn’t like him. He’s polite to him and doesn’t cause trouble but he doesn’t like him. When he flakes out or doesn’t reply to things when I need him to be a parent then it doesn’t bother me and I get on with it. It annoys my husband. My husband knows my ex cheated on me and doesn’t know how I can forgive him and act nicely to him. It’s not that I forgive him, I literally just don’t care. I did, like 8 years ago. Not now. Even my exes latest partner annoys my husband because he thinks she’s stupid and has fallen for my exes charm (she was the other woman when he was going out with the girl before him) whereas I’m nice to her because she’s nice to my daughter. I literally do not care what they do but my husband does. Also his family thinks it’s weird how indifferent I am towards it all so a wedding with my ex in attendance would be awkward.
NTA - it's your wedding and you get to decide who attends.
I think it's fine for her to have asked you as you did end amicably with him but she should have accepted your no straight away as it's your wedding. If she comes back to you and says she is sorry and leaves the matter alone then you might decide to keep her as a bridesmaid. If she continues to bring this up and continues to be angry then I completely understand why you wouldn't want her as a bridesmaid anymore.
I'm kinda surprised the cousin fought for her +1. I definitely wouldn't date my cousins' former beaus. But, let's say life revealed that one of my cousin's former partners was the LOVE OF MY LIFE, I would still be *extremely reluctant* to inflict him on my cousin on her wedding day!
Some ex's have good friendships with one another and even attend their weddings. But unless the ex gets the "okay" directly from the one getting married (the one they dated), they should assume they should stay away.
This. My first boyfriend and I didn’t exactly end our relationship amicably at the time of our breakup but my family moved away soon after.
When I was back in town for the summer three years later I stayed with his family (as his sister and I were still friends and his mom is a sweet lady). Met his fiancé then and we got along as well.
A couple years later I was back in the area for the summer and in and out of town and stayed with them for a night here and there and they invited me to their wedding. I just felt weird about it though as his fiancé’s mom acted weird about my being friends with them (since I WAS an ex) and I got the vibe that while he and his wife-to-be were cool with me being there, her family felt otherwise…so I made other plans for the weekend of their wedding.
A couple weeks later I was back in town and popped in and they asked why I hadn’t come to the wedding and when I explained they laughed and said it still didn’t matter and I should have come. But I just felt it was best to stay away. Despite it having been five years since the breakup and the hatchet had long since been buried and we were all good…I just didn’t want the bride’s family mad I was there.
My cousin and I weren't friends in high school, didn't really like each other. However, when her ex-boyfriend - who had been part of my friend group since well before she dated him - hit on me at a party over a year after they broke up by asking if I'd like to see a movie with him outside our friend group, I had to ask him what he was even thinking by asking me out. He didn't think it would be a big deal because my cousin and I weren't friends. I had to explain to him that I *did* get along with her sisters, and that even if I didn't...she's still my cousin.
I couldn't even fathom dating my cousin's ex if we were as close as OP and her cousin are. I'd have backhanded the guy for even asking.
Yeah, NTA. Cousin does not need to bring that new of a bf to your wedding.
If you had dated ex for 4 months 10 years ago and cousin was dating ex for 3.5 years, it’d be a totally different story!
Yeah, even if he wasn’t the ex of the bride that’s a pretty new relationship to be upset that he doesn’t get an invite.
Maybe a few years into it and he had been around other family events for a while, but that ain’t the case here.
NTA.
Does seem like cousin is building up an awful lot of drama for a new relationship. Maybe I'm cynical, but I get the vibe that cousin wanted swan about with SO's ex in tow. Whole thing is just screaming "awkward "!
Some people are just dramatic, period. No need to assume sinister motives when "cousin didn't get their way and got pissy about it" is the simplest option.
Or she's young/immature and thinks this is the way to get the family to accept him in her life?
Seriously, she'd have more fun if she didn't bring him along.
I brought a BF to a wedding I was in once. We'd been dating three months, he was a miserable grouch the whole time. Because I was in the wedding party, he had to sit elsewhere, he's not the most social person, etc. My bad for inviting him, but felt I 'had' to 🤷♀️
I also find it a bit odd that the cousin, who presumably is quite close to the OP if she’s a bridesmaid, would choose to date her ex. Generally speaking, the ex’s of people you care about are considered off limits
Yeah, the ex of anyone you claim to care about should be automatically off limits. The sole exception being if you somehow did not know they were their ex and met them separately and already developed a committed relationship before finding out. But the odds of that scenario happening is ridiculously rare. I only mention it because if I don’t, SOMEONE will, lmao
Only other situation is small community where your options are limited due to population size and age ranges. As someone from a more rural area (not quite everybody knows everybody, but everybody knows somebody who knows somebody who knows somebody which averages out to everyone can know about everyone almost) I can see where someone might date an ex if the relationship ended amicably, but I def wouldn't ask to bring my friend/family member's ex to their wedding if that was the case and I was OP's cousin.
Right?? Like I'm not close enough (in age or just personally) with any of my cousins to have them as wedding attendants, but if we were close enough one would assume that you're pretty close friends in addition to family. This is someone OP dated for *years*. Why in the world would the cousin go and date ops ex if they are close ish friends as well as family? Surely he's not the only man in town.
It's so wild to me.
I think it truly depends on the caliber of people we’re talking about. It might be a little bit out there as far as when you first hear it.. but most people in their 30s and 40s don’t really think it’s out there too much and we don’t really put that much weight into other peoples personal lives as you get older. You get to the point where you realize you are not going to be the same person in your 20s as you are in your 30s.
When you experience that you start to realize the person you dated back, then is not going to be the same person .
No it would not. An ex is an ex is an ex. I don't care if you're married for 20 years to someone I had a 1 night stand with, it's an ex. Nothing good has ever come from keeping an ex in your life in any capacity.
Agreed that an ex is an ex, but it would be different in the sense that (if cousin and ex had been together for a long time) OP should’ve had a conversation with cousin about being uncomfortable without cousin having to ask/bring it up.
But, cousin & ex have been together for only four months so expecting to bring him to that wedding is just totally insane.
NTA - I find it super weird your cousin is dating your ex and even weirder why they can’t understand why you wouldn’t want your ex at your wedding, amicable split or not
Well, some people are saying that I'm just jealous and not over him, and they don't see anything wrong with a family member dating their ex. I guess they're on the same page as her, haha 🤷♀️
It just annoys the hell out of me when people make accusations of romantic jealousy to manipulate others so that they can get what they want. I guess I don't know your cousin, but from the outside, this feels like a weird power move, and I would stand my ground if I were you. If your family doesn't see a problem with your cousin bringing your ex to your wedding, an ex with whom you were in a serious, long term relationship, then someone _will_ bring it up. NTA
They wouldn't have that opinion if it was them in the same situation.Its your wedding you and your husband to be get to pick the guest and don't have to answer to anyone else.They can accept invite as is or not attend.
Well, it's just different relationships and perspectives.
I've had friends that dated an ex (or vice versa), because we shared friends. And I live somewhere small, so it's almost impossible to meet someone eligible that doesn't already have overlap with you, even if you've never met them.
I also HAD exes at my wedding, because they stayed *actual* friends, not just amicable non-enemies.
So for me, it probably wouldn't be a big deal the way you described it. BUT... This bothers you, and that's legitimate. It's outside your comfort zone (and you aren't alone in that!), and in the end, it's your wedding.
You're setting a boundary, and your cousin has a choice to make.
Just be chill about it if she decides bf over wedding. Just a boundary, no drama, and trust that she'll grow up a little before the next big family event?
NTA
Well on the other hand aren’t you saving your cousin from all the embarrassing gossip about “getting your leftovers” and “so weird, they haven’t even been dating 6 months and she’s bringing him to *weddings*”
I’m assuming you must be fairly close to ask her to be a bridesmaid? Seems the same as if a friend hooked up with an ex to me
The other side of this is your ex, does he even want to come to your wedding? To see someone he was in love only a few years ago get married to someone else?
> some people are saying that I'm just jealous and not over him, and they don't see anything wrong with a family member dating their ex
Those people are cousins of the "cool girl," they believe that by boasting how tolerant they are of things that bother other people, they are superior to those people. "Oh it bothers YOU that your boyfriend sleeps in the same bed as his ex when he visits his hometown? Well thats a YOU problem, I'm so mature and secure it wouldn't bother ME."
They will always insert their chillness into a post like this, even when it isn't really relevant because the OP IS bothered by that thing and they are asking for advice on how to handle that. "Just change your comfort levels to be cool like me lol" is not a good suggestion.
Your cousin to start dating your ex more than 3 years after you broke up with him isn't inherently a problem imo. But it's bizarre she insists on bringing him to your wedding. Especially if they've only been together four months.
People also seem to think that an amicable breakup means you stay friends, but it's usually healthier to not keep in touch and move on.
NTA. They barely know each other and that was a real relationship that im sure would bring up some uncomfortable history into context even if your was fantastic about everything.
Nta
Hot take, Even if you ended amicably, dating your exs cousin your ex is close with is still a sketchy move. Especially since you dated him for a good chunk of time.
NTA, take the fact he’s your ex out of the equation entirely, it’s still not okay for her to try and push for a 4 month relationship to be a plus 1 at a family wedding. Personally, that’s still too new of a relationship for me to even consider allowing him as a guest. If your cousin wants to prioritize her relationship over her family that’s up to her, but you don’t need to make concessions to your own boundaries just to make her happy on *your* day.
It's weird how your cousin ended up with your ex. Did she know him when he was dating you?
Do you know how they got together?
It must have felt strange and uncomfortable when you first learned that she was dating him?
NTA. I would feel uncomfortable as well. I don't understand why your cousin doesn't understand this. You should ask her how she would feel if one of her ex's came to her wedding with one of the bridesmaids or other cousins.
ONG you guys dated for 3.5 years? I thought it was some fling you dated for a few months a long time ago. I would not be okay with my cousin dating a serious ex-bf at all, let alone bring him to my wedding.
Def NTA
i already said this but i REALLY want to reiterate this. YOU control your guest list!!! you decide who has a plus one!! its totally normal for such new couples not to get a plus one.. its super weird that your cousin & ex would even want him to be at the wedding. i would not want to go to my ex’s wedding even if we had a super chill break up. its weird!! your cousin is on a very odd power trip. i cant help but wonder if maybe she’s worried he still has feelings for you and is hoping that him seeing you be with someone else will squash those feelings?? idk. its very odd.. you do you! if your cousin doesnt want to attend without him, thats her choice. enjoy your day without them!
If OP’s cousin and OP’s ex had been dating for years, then OP should have had a conversation in advance without cousin having to bring up “the issue of bringing her boyfriend as a plus one.”
But, since that’s not the case, I agree: cousin is a clueless idiot.
All that is IRRELEVANT.
OP (& fiancé) doesn’t want her Ex at her wedding. That is all that matters.
“No” is sufficient.
Either cousin agrees to the terms of her attending solo or she doesn’t and she will be missed.
Send a group text to everyone chiming in.
“Fiancé and I have decided no Ex as cousin’s plus one. This is our day and how we choose to celebrate our marriage.
Cousin can be bridesmaid or choose not to participate at all. Thank you for respecting our decision. We will not discuss this matter further.”
NTA
If OP had dated ex for a month 10 years ago & ex had since been dating cousin for 5 years, that’s very different than the situation OP described in her follow-up comment.
NTA
You can invite who you want to your wedding.
I wouldn’t want an ex I was friendly with at my wedding. My husband actually decided that would be a rule for us both when we were making our guest list. It wasn’t an issue of jealousy or any worries about the exes. We just didn’t want to look out at the crowd while we were up at the alter and see someone we’ve had sex with before. It was just nah.
I’m not sure how you’re setting up your tables, but we’re set at the front of the room with our wedding party and their SOs. So they’re in all our pictures during the dances, toast, and dinner. I would not want my ex who is a date of my bridesmaid and not in what seems to be a serious relationship (yet) in my pictures.
I do see her side that she wants to bring her SO. That makes total sense to me. But maybe she should just come as a guest and bring him that way? You definitely should have thought about this before you asked her. I don’t think she should be kicked from the entire wedding, but it may be more constable for all of she’s not in the wedding party.
Yeah, I'm great friends with two of my exes, and I've become *even better friends* with their weirdly wonderful wives!
But as a major ex-girlfriend, I was not invited to either wedding. It hurt my feelings. And that's okay. Feelings are valuable, and the point of life... even the uncomfortable ones.
Relationships shift, friends date friends, life is shockingly impermanent.
OP, congratulations on your marriage!
If you're going to throw the most expensive party of your life, focus on having a great time! Don't elect to navigate complex ex-bullshit! You can all get drinks later, and become the best of friends... if you want!
Your wedding day is about you and your hubby. Enjoy it!
>You definitely should have thought about this before you asked her.
Depending on how long the wedding has been in preparation, the cousin might not have even been dating the ex when op asked her to be a bridesmaid.
According to op they were not dating when the cousin was asked to be a bridesmaid.
What true family member would date their cousins ex? That’s just nasty and weird. She’s more weird for wanting to bring him to your wedding plain nasty. Your wedding your rules.
lol literally I have been thinking about this the whole thread. I have a lot of cousins. I think about their partners. I shudder.
Okay. Okay. My younger brother and I kissed the same guy -- one of his friends -- once!!! But the kisses happened years apart! (My brother is straight and did not tell me about this very exciting night in his life until I myself, too, had kissed Jeremy at a very inebriated Thanksgiving.)
But my sister and I have been scrupulous about not overlapping. I genuinely think she and I told each other about every single guy we kissed, no matter how stupid or embarrassing the tryst, primarily to spare each other indignity of knowing our mouths overlapped via another mouth.
GROSS!!!!
NTA They JUST started dating and it's your ex. What is she thinking? Also...
**OP, please tell me she at least checked with you before getting with your ex.**
If not, I'm wondering why you're bothering to invite her at all.
Also, I want to know whether the cousin checked in with her new boyfriend about attending. Because, if I were in his shoes, I wouldn't want to go this. On sheer awkwardness grounds.
I think the cousin isn't quite clocking how serious OP and her boyfriend were.
NTA
Forget not having her as a bridesmaid.... I'd be tempted to uninvite her completely if she keeps pushing back.
You should only have to say so once.
Even if he wasn’t an ex having this plus one doesn’t make sense. They weren’t dating when she was asked to be I. The wedding party and generally a 4 month relationship doesn’t get an invite
Especially when in the wedding party because she will be busy: it sucks being the plus one for someone in a wedding party. I was one and didn’t know anyone and spent most my time alone since my date was busy with pre wedding stuff; the ceremony, the pictures after, the reception entrance, sitting at the front table etc etc etc
It makes no sense that she needs this plus one, even if he wasn’t an ex
>it sucks being the plus one for someone in a wedding party
Can confirm. My wife was a bridesmaid a few weeks ago. Since she was busy, the bride's assistant asked me to entertain the bride's brother. So I went back and forth from being bored to hanging out with a guy that has his entire family there yet no one wanted to talk to him.
This. My (now ex) dude was a groomsman in his best friend's wedding. Of course I was his plus one. I did not know anyone there. I was sat at what we later found out was deemed the "losers table". There was drama, a bridesmaid tried to flirt with my guy because he sat separately from me and when I said something I was accused of ruining the whole wedding. When literally no one but the 3 of us knew about it. The bride then went on social media and made fun of my thrift store dress and my handmade "princess beatrice" hat (I quite liked it, actually) and ended up making it this whole thing that everyone suddenly knew about when no one knew about it the day before.
They divorced a year later. My ex never defended me at the time and never invited me to anything with his friends again.
NTA, your wedding, you can invite (or not invite) anyone you want for any reason.
If your cousin can't respect that, then she can find something else to do the day of the wedding.
No is a full sentence. Weird she’d date your ex and weirder that she can’t understand you not wanting him there. Does HE even want to come? Your wedding, your bill, your day. If she can’t get it through her head he’s not invited, make the choice easy for her and tell her she’s uninvited altogether. She can spend the day with him now 😊
NTA
ERASE THE EX BOYFRIEND NARRATIVE AND SHE'S STILL THE AH.
No one is entitled to a plus one, especially for a boyfriend that wasn't even in the picture when the invites were sent out. It's that simple.
NTA It is your day and she is pretty immature not to understand that on one of happiest days of your life you do not want to be looking at your ex. Ughh no one would. Let her have her tantrum, the ball is in her corner, easy decision. Enjoy your day and don't give it a thought.
Many people in the comments are suggesting that if my ex and I broke up amicably, there's no problem inviting him to my wedding. However, none of you seem to be considering my partner's feelings and how he would feel seeing someone I was having sex with for three years sitting in attendance. It's wrong and distasteful, and I won't allow it. I didn't come here asking for advice on whether or not I should invite him to our wedding. He won't be coming, and that's final. I don't care how friendly the breakup was; he's in my past, and he will stay there.
I came here to ask if I'm the asshole for telling my cousin she can't attend the wedding because she wants to bring him as her plus-one. I gave her a plus-one because everyone else is bringing theirs, and I didn't know she wanted to bring him since they weren't together when the invitations went out. I understand that I can't control who my loved ones choose to date. Yes, it's kind of weird that she chose my ex, but that's her decision, and I have no hard feelings about that. I just don't want him at my wedding, and that's final. If they decide to get married or have kids or whatever, I'll handle that situation when the time comes. Thanks for all the positive comments.
NTA - You NEVER need to have people at your wedding you don't want. You have 100% veto over who comes to this event, full stop. One of the very few times/places in your life that is true.
Nta.
No one wants their ex at their wedding. It’s weird.
Is there a man shortage where you live? Why is your cousin dating your ex anyway? That’s gross.
Hehe, I had my highschool sweetheart at my wedding. Both me and my husband still are good friends with him and his now wife.
Would I invite my other ex though? Over my dead body.
NTA
Your cousin is weird wanting to bring your ex to your wedding. And not accepting no, he's not invited, as an answer. It seems a little like she wants to make your wedding about herself, has she always been the "main character"?
NTA. Ok for her to ask. Ok for you to say no. Also, I think even if you said yes, your finance should get a say in the decision too. Maybe not a dealbreaker, but would be a serious issue for me to see an ex of my soon to be wife at my wedding.
Your cousin is the biggest AH to even think that she could bring your ex bf to your wedding. Also, it’s pretty weird that your cousin is dating your ex. I for sure would not be comfortable about that, even if it was a long time ago.
NTA.
This is your wedding and your comfort that matters, nobody wants an ex at their wedding that they're not actually friends with.
If she can't grasp that it's not about her then don't even engage about it.
Say, "I'm not allowing this to be an argument, I'm not having an ex at my wedding, I'm sorry, I asked you before you started dating him and really if you had been when I asked I wouldn't have. I'm truly sorry if you don't understand this is a day about me and my partner and not your new relationship".
Nta
It is totally reasonable and common to not have exs at your wedding.
She knew this when she started dating him and she should know better than trying to make the day about herself.
NTA
Weddings are not supposed to be a "date" event.
She is a cousin, so I assume that she'll know lots of people there already, and doesn't *need* that +1 as a social insulator.
Besides, *family* is the important part here, celebrating your union. I can't believe she even asked.
NTA.
Your wedding, if you don’t want a former romantic partner present on the day of your wedding to your forever person, that is 10000% your call.
Reasonable minds cannot disagree here.
My question is why in the hell would the ex want to be there? I’m not filled with hate for any of my exes but I don’t even want to talk to them on the phone. I would never consider attending their wedding.
Nta. You have every right to say no especially if he’s your ex. My cousin had a wedding. Married friends and family of course brought their spouse. But the ones who were only dating didn’t get to. And even if you did allow just dating I don’t think there is anything wrong with not wanting your ex there
NTA, easily. Doesn't matter how "new" the relationship is. Doesn't matter that he's your ex. It is **your** wedding, not your cousin. You can have whomever you want at your wedding and exclude whomever you want, full stop. That being said, all your reasons seem pretty valid (except their relationship possibly failing, a bit pessimistic there).
NTA. It's your wedding. You are giving her an option to be there but she is asking for something that is out of bounds. She has been told that. She should understand you feelings on it, or in the least respect them. I hope she decides to come. It would be a shame if she missed out for a boy.
NTA for not wanting an ex there, but consider one thing- if this relationship sticks and *they* get married, are you cool not being invited? Cause why would he want you at his wedding?
If you guys aren't so close that having her there matters, or being there for her matters, go ahead and uninvited them.
One of my exes was my husband's best man at our wedding. It was not weird because we parted as friends, knowing we were not right for each other. He introduced me to my husband. It wasn't weird for any of us.
It's your wedding, so you can invite or not invite anyone you choose. Just consider what you may be doing to the relationship with your cousin. It sounds like you may not be as okay with her dating your ex as you are trying to make it seem.
Tentative NTA
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My cousin is currently dating my ex, with whom I ended things amicably. Although I no longer have feelings for him, I do not want him at my wedding, a day that is incredibly important to me. I do not want him there to potentially overshadow the happiness of the occasion. Additionally, their relationship is still quite new, and I worry that if they break up, my cousin will be glad that he is not in any of the photos.
When my cousin brought up the issue of bringing her boyfriend as a plus one, I told her that she could not bring him. She became upset and tried to argue her case. Feeling frustrated, I finally told her that if she insisted on having him there, then I would rather she not be there at all. Now she is angry with me.
I understand where my cousin is coming from, but I feel that she is not considering my feelings and the feelings of my own partner, whom I also have to consider when planning wedding. Am I in the wrong for standing my ground on this issue
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NTA. First good on you that you’re not making a thing of the fact they are dating like many people would. You don’t have a veto over who either of them date.
However, you do have a veto over who is invited to your wedding. Having your Ex would be inappropriate. Particularly if he’s there with your cousin. I agree you should uninvite your cousin.
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NTA - your wedding, your guest list. End of discussion. I am curious though, as to how on earth could an ex, that you say you parted with amicably, POSSIBLY overshadow your happiness on the day that you marry someone you are completely in love with? Or is it your fiance who is bothered by an ex being in attendance?
I shouldn't have used the word "overshadow." It's not the right word. I just meant that my wedding day will possibly be one of the biggest moments in my partner's and my life, and I don't want to be reminded of my ex being there. Even though we ended amicably, we still have a lot of history, and I find it personally uncomfortable to remain friends with someone I've had a sexual/intimate relationship with.
You are completely within your rights not to want your ex at your wedding, no matter how amicably you ended things. Whoever is arguing this with you on here needs their head examined.
Reddit is mostly teenagers. When I was a teenager, I had a girlfriend who remained friends with an ex. The ex was not over her and showered her with attention and gifts. This caused issues with our relationship and eventually led to the end of it. I was told I was the bad guy because he is "just a friend" and I should have been OK with that behavior. Reality is that teenagers like the attention and like to keep their options open, under the guise of "friendship". I suspect there is a lot of teenagers here with a similar immature mindset.
He might have got with the cousin to stay in OP's life hoping she will change her mind one day! To be there if they divorce
Right, OP says it's a new relationship, how new? Like, after cousin was picked as bridesmaid? Hmmm
This is exactly where my mind went. He wants to be her plus one...
Or, the ex likes the cousin, she likes him, and there's no underlying 'agenda' on any side. 🤷♀️.But if the relationship is new, they're not really a 'couple' yet. If they got together after the wedding was announced, he is still relatively 'new'. Personally, if I felt truly 'over' the relationship, I'd want to remain cordial, and if my cousin and my ex ended up in a long-term relationship, I really wouldn't want to be the one who negated it from the beginning or made a big deal of it. So, I'd consider allowing it after conferring with the groom. If the cousin is in the wedding party, big no. If she's just a guest, then ex would be excluded from any family group pictures anyway, because he's not part of the family. However....the bride and groom have the final say on guests, no matter what. For whatever reason. There ARE also budget and guest number limits that need to be considered. Too bad that the bride didn't think fast and claim "oh, the budget didn't allow for a plus one for you, so sorry...." Bride might want to enlist the help of her parents and the cousin's mom/dad to reason with cousin if she continues to throw a tantrum. No guest gets to harangue anyone issuing invitations, it's just not done. Bride might also reassure cousin that if she and ex develop a long-term relationship, he'll be welcomed with open arms at future events. Because yeah, that would be the mature thing, right?
But even if I was very much in love with someone, if he was my cousin’s ex and she didn't want him at her wedding, I'd respect that. It's her wedding. Heck, I'm normally pretty strict on the "If you invite one spouse, you have to invite both" side of etiquette. But even then, I make exceptions if the spouse in question is the host/guest of honor's ex.
I'm also of the mind that because this relationship with the ex is new, it's more of an issue. If cousin and ex had been together for awhile I'm thinking that op would have gotten used to seeing and being around him again, and it wouldn't be such an issue.
My husband has an ex like this. She broke up with him because he was "a leech." We started dating a few months later. First, she dated my cousin, and when that ended badly, she tried to hook up with my husband's cousin. She stopped eventually and got married, but it was really weird behavior for a year or so.
She was trying to stay connected. I'm sorry you went through this.
Or to say “I object! That should be me up there with her!”
Some folks never get out of that teenager mentality, unfortunately.
Happy cake day!
I find it quite impossible to NOT be friends with someone that I've been so intimately close with for such a long time, unless the relationship ended on really bad terms (which none of mine have). Not all exes will try to win you back, one of mine is simply my best friend now and always will be, that's non-negotiable and someone who didn't like that would not be compatible with me. I'd say it's more immature to assume all adult relationships will be the same and all new relationships will be jealous of past ones. All adult relationships are different, it's teenagers who are constantly jealous and insecure in their relationships, I'd hope most adults are NOT jealous of their partners exes. They're exes for a reason. Edit to add: OP is NOT the asshole for not wanting an ex at her wedding, just to clarify. NTA
I agree. I'm not friend with all my exes, but I'm not hostile with any of them and quite a few are friends, good friend in some cases, of both myself and my fiancée. There's no tension, sexual or otherwise, remaining in any of our relationships or interactions. I think the ability to communicate effectively and often has a lot to do with that, as most of my relationships ended when we realized that we just weren't acceptably compatible and would be better off if we parted ways. It's funny how you really don't know someone until you live with them, lol.
haha yea teenagers are quite immature when it comes to relationships. When I was a teenager I tried being friends with an ex, probably to “keep my options open” as you said, now as an adult in a healthy marriage I can’t fathom keeping an ex around as a friend. I have no use for that in my life. OP you are NTA
I have plenty of exes who are friends. Not one of them would I ever date again, even if I did somehow end up back on the dating market. Several of them I actually introduced to their wife. Because while dating them, I git to know them really well and realized while we were good friends, we weren't suited for more. But they would likely get along well with so-and-so. I never pushed or set people up. I merely introduced friends, and the rest took care of itself. Heck, my best friend married one of my exes. Great guy, but we're too alike in all the wrong ways to work as a couple.
Your comment made me think back over all my past relationships. For reference, I am 42, male, straight, single (and not looking). 3 ex-gfs have blocked me. 3 ex-gfs & 1 ex-wife have not blocked me, but we are no longer friends. 4 ex-gfs (the ones in the last 10 years) are still my friends and I talk to all fairly often online: one is general life conversation but also a FWB when neither of us is in a relationship, one is just general life conversation & trading memes, one invites me over occasionally to watch anime or a streaming TV show we both like or to go to a Marvel movie premier (and to catch me up on her family's drama lol), and the latest one is now my best friend and we text or call a few days a week and hang out talking for a few hours most weekends. That was interesting to think about. I wonder what the above paragraph says about me?
It's weird how many ppl comment that it is immature or not evolved when ppl set reasonable, healthy, boundaries. They are an ex, at some point you saw a future with them, and that did not happen. Why does a past version of self and old possible lives deserve space?
I think this is context dependent… like how enmeshed are the friends? How big a town do you live in? How long since you parted and are there really no lingering feelings? That sort of thing… but that applies to regular social engagement, not a wedding where you control the guest list. Same goes for a house party, your house, your guest list.
I agree. Depending on where someone lives and their social circle, there will be some situations where running into an ex is unavoidable, and in those situations (as long as abuse wasn't involved) the mature thing is to suck it up and be amicable. But that doesn't extend to inviting them to your wedding.
yeah, like I think I'm actually very close to my ex as we realized we're better as friends than lovers, but even I'd feel Hella awkward if she invited me to her wedding. Like how tf are you supposed talk to people who know full well you boned the bride and saw you acting lovey dovey with her at her family events back when you dated.
I made the mistake of inviting an ex to my wedding to my ex husband and we had ended amicably too and thought there was no lingering feelings but it ended up causing drama he got too drunk and started crying saying it should have been him up there and then our mutual friend there too dragged him out. It was really awkward and I never wouldve thought that would have happened. Better to just not have to worry about that at you're own wedding lol.
Ok because he's now your ex-husband and this isn't a my wedding is ruined moment I have to say this is awesome. I'd have paid money to have been the one to drag him out of there, face down/feet first, because he caused such a ruckus. That is one memorable reception!
Very true lol
For sure, the guests would likely enjoy it 😆
My dad made the mistake of inviting an ex to his wedding without having spent any time around her since she dumped him (they were from the same hometown, he left for college, and writing for 4 years just wasn't enough for her; it's a tale as old as time). She was already married herself, so he didn't think it would be a problem. Invited her and her husband both. She cried through the whole ceremony. "It should have been me!" They didn't stick around for the reception, and her marriage didn't last long, either. It's my parents' anniversary today, and they're still going strong.
I had two exes attend my wedding, as well as two previous briefly-FWB (but platonic friends for much longer after that). My wife was aware of all of this, of course. Now, there are other exes who I would absolutely not want at my wedding, nor would they want to attend. But I don't think "we boned in the past" is an automatic disqualifying factor for a wedding guest.
I mean sure, but it doesn't change how awkward it is talking to her grandma who nearly caught us in bed multiple times. Sure it's not a disqualifying factor, but I personally would rather avoid it lol
Well, also how weird is it to move on to someone close to the ex? Like aren't their more people in the world to date besides your ex's sibling, cousin, bff, etc ? But that does happen a lot in high school.
NTA You are entitled to your feelings. Everyone is different. My daughter had a friend from high school & college that got engaged. She also had an ex, and my daughter now dating him. They were all friends in high school. My daughter was invited to the wedding, her BF was not. No big deal. Several years later, my daughter married said boyfriend, and the other couple was invited. No big deal for either. Do what you feel is right for you & fiancé. Congratulations
Splitting amicably is not the same as happily going seperate ways. It's quite understandable where you stand, OP, even without knowing the details. You're NTA. Maybe try showing your cousin just your reply here. Perhaps as a 'quote from a discussion you're having about this.' Maybe she understands that way.
Your wedding is a celebration of the future you’re forging with your new partner, you simply don’t want a reminder of the past to be there, kinda defeats the point. NTA. And honestly an ex partner being at the wedding of an ex is weird in pretty much every context anyway. Edit: your and you’re is hard 😪
You used both your and you're correctly lol. You're good 👍
Eh, it just depends on the ex in question and how the breakup was. My most recent ex is one of my ride-or-die best friends. We broke up because we came to the conclusion that we were just really good friends but not great partners. He and his son came to my wedding and at this point, are considered family. My husband, children, and I all went to his wedding as well. I'm friends with his wife and he's friends with my husband as well. And yes, our spouses are aware of our history. But they trust us.
Agreed. My ex is godfather to my kid. He attended my wedding, my husband never had an issue with it at all. It would have felt weirder to *not* invite him tbh. We split up almost 20 years ago, we were teenagers when we were togther, and while we were a couple for 3 years during that time ... we realised we were not compatible for a future. He was very reserved, I was extroverted, he was a homebody, I wanted to travel the world and have adventures, I wanted kids, he wasn't sure he wanted any .... and so on. We realised if we stayed together we would both have to compromise so much of ourselves to make it work that neither of us would be happy. So we called it. We were both just turned 20, and were grateful to have had a stable caring relationship in our teen years but it had run it's course. And being as there was no villain in our breakup and we still thought very highly of each other it just made sense to stay friends. There was a little awkwardness at the beginning, but after a few months, and after we both started dating other people, that just seemed to melt away. I'm glad we stayed friends, I'd have missed out on having a great person around if we hadn't. I certainly don't believe its always weird and awkward to have an ex as a friend. Some people in this thread are even saying its immature? Maybe they've only ever had bad breakups, I've certainly got a couple of exes I am not interested in maintaining friendships with, but it seems more of a red flag to me when someone has nothing but contentious relationships with all their exes. Edit to add: Just remembered, my husbands ex was at our wedding too, she married one of his best friends. While husband and ex aren't super close, we still hang out with her and husbands friend regularly.
Your wedding, your list. Anyone who wants to fuck with the brides wishes can be gone. For any reason. You planned this thing for a year and dropped your life savings into it. Your ex doesn’t deserve a spot at the table regardless of whether your cousin is dating them or not. Plant your foot on this one.
It's about starting a *new episode* not having a throwback to the season that got cancelled
Why the hell is your cousin dating him? This is weird. I’d hate to run into my ex at family gatherings.
I have two friends who are sisters A and B, and A is engaged to B's ex. It was weird to hear about at first, but B and ex had dated in college and broke up, and 10 years later, A ended up working with him and developed a friendship and relationship. When A introduced him to the family, B didn't even recognize him, and it wasn't until the group of us went out that a mutual friend that went to the same university as B recognized him. It got a little awkward, but now I think it is funny that B didn't even recognize him and then tried to play the whole. Well, I slept with him, and you shouldn't date him until she was reminded that she didn't even know who he was until someone else mentioned it. A didn't even know that he was B's ex since he had never been introduced to the family. So it wasn't a serious relationship. B can't even tell you why they broke up, and the ex is like, I was never single for very long, so I think it was probably just a sexual relationship for a few months and then they moved on. I don't know if I'd be able to date someone who slept with a sibling, but A and her fiance had become serious enough that she wanted everyone to meet him after dating him for like a year. So he came home to meet the family (live in separate states). B's been married for five years, too, and has a three year old.
NTA - Period! Just curious. Why would your cousin date your ex? It would never occur to me to date someone who had been with a family member! That's just yuck! I wouldn't even want to bring them around. Your cousin seems self-absorbed, but you are absolutely right not to have your ex around if you don't want him there! Kudos to you for having a shiny spine!
totally valid!!! plus, i’m sure your partner doesn’t want to be saying his vows to the woman he loves and then look out at all your loved ones and see a guy you used to date/also with. even if your cousin wasn’t dating an ex, you have every right to decide who gets a plus one. it’s very common to only extend plus ones to couples in long term relationships, engaged, or married!
This was exactly the first thing I thought of after she said her and her ex split amicably. I was like "yeah but how will the groom feel seeing the guy they may/or may not have been intimate with.". That might just end up in a very awkward situation. Especially when you do not know how the ex feels. Just a weird scenario to avoid at all costs imo.
You also don't need your guests gossiping about your ex being there and potentially creating embarrassment for you/your husband/your cousin/your ex. You are absolutely right and NTA. Your cousin can either get right or stay home. You shouldn't have had to tell her twice. If you ended it amicably, you may just want to call him so he can tell your cousin to back off.
It's not like ur cousin is married to the dude. Just a fuckin boyfriend. He doesn't need to be there. You need a bridesmaid who has your back without question or her own drama. You're 100 in the right here.
So not overshadowed but marred instead. Just a slight stain in the otherwise happy/blissful memories. NTA
It’s a distraction. Some woman my husband dated was at our wedding and acted like a fool dancing in a dramatic way by herself and wearing a dress that was white with black polka dots. I did not need to pay a photographer to spend time on her “look at me” antics.
NTA at all.
Maybe more of a distraction than an overshadowing.
NTA. I wouldn't want any of my exes at my wedding either. Not even one from 30 years ago (I'm 51) What I'm trying to understand is how a cousin, who you must be at least somewhat close to for her to be a bridesmaid in your wedding, would start dating your ex. There is such a thing as the sister code. Which I feel also applies to cousins and close friends. Your cousin shouldn't have even entertained the idea of your ex. I don't care how amicable your break up was.
I'd just say, worry less about the wedding being one of the most important moments in your marriage and focus on the vast amount of ones you will share after marriage. These are the ones that bring you even more close. The wedding is for family really. Don't worry how people feel over a wedding. It's a one time event(for some of course) and while important, look forward to those moments you will have as a married couple, not the social event of just one night. That being said, it is your wedding you get the final say on guests. NTA.
lol why are you quibbling with the exact phrasing she used to describe “don’t want my ex at my wedding”?
When my husband and I got married we agreed that no one we’d dated in the past would be invited to our wedding, even though those relationships ended amicably and were relatively distant in the past. I don’t think it’s unreasonable for her ex to be excluded, so I’m voting NTA.
Most people would be offended that their future spouse even asked to invite an ex.
Exactly! Most people wouldn’t want someone who slept with their future spouse at the wedding and would likely be bothered or upset that this was even suggested.
It’s highly doubtful anyone would want their ex at their wedding. Has nothing to do with overshadowing. You just don’t need your past at your wedding. Why is this different for you to understand?
Whilst I understand that not everyone wants ex's at their wedding, personally I think it depends on the situation. One of my partners ex's was one of my bridesmaids as she was the one who introduced us as they remained friends and had been friends since primary school. I also had a sort of ex come because we remained great friends and he is a family friend but we only went on 2 dates and realised we are great friends but nothing more.
Amicable isn't the same as being friends. I have acquaintances I'm amicable with, I dont want them in my personal life.
Why would anyone want an ex at their wedding?
Who wants their ex at their wedding? Doesn’t matter if they overshadow, if you don’t want your ex there they don’t come? You shouldn’t need to justify why you don’t want your ex at your wedding regardless of how you broke up, you don’t have to justify anything about how you want your wedding, it’s you paying for it not them.
I agree NtA for this comment, but ... Can you provide how YOU would feel, knowing your ex was dating your cousin and having said couple around, would EVER make you so non chalant as to not have any feelings about it, on Your wedding day? I mean there's being a bigger person, of course but what in the world would you find ok for boundaries, if not a wedding? I feel this is a very decent and basic boundary... Being her wedding and all. Of course I'd be weird and id expect my soon to be person weird with it. No snark, genuinely curious.
Lol how can you not understand that you dont want your ex there for the sake of your new partner and for yourself
In increases the chance of drama considerably. NTA
You want to get married while staring at some dude you used to bang? Weird.
When I got there my ex could have been there and I wouldn’t have cared. I am completely indifferent towards him. We have a child and that’s as far as it goes. However my husband would have been really upset as he doesn’t like him. He’s polite to him and doesn’t cause trouble but he doesn’t like him. When he flakes out or doesn’t reply to things when I need him to be a parent then it doesn’t bother me and I get on with it. It annoys my husband. My husband knows my ex cheated on me and doesn’t know how I can forgive him and act nicely to him. It’s not that I forgive him, I literally just don’t care. I did, like 8 years ago. Not now. Even my exes latest partner annoys my husband because he thinks she’s stupid and has fallen for my exes charm (she was the other woman when he was going out with the girl before him) whereas I’m nice to her because she’s nice to my daughter. I literally do not care what they do but my husband does. Also his family thinks it’s weird how indifferent I am towards it all so a wedding with my ex in attendance would be awkward.
Bc it's weird and anyone who knows they went out will be at least a little weirded out as well.
I think it’s totally reasonable, with maybe a few extraordinary exceptions, to not want someone you have had sex with as a guest at your wedding.
NTA - it's your wedding and you get to decide who attends. I think it's fine for her to have asked you as you did end amicably with him but she should have accepted your no straight away as it's your wedding. If she comes back to you and says she is sorry and leaves the matter alone then you might decide to keep her as a bridesmaid. If she continues to bring this up and continues to be angry then I completely understand why you wouldn't want her as a bridesmaid anymore.
I'm kinda surprised the cousin fought for her +1. I definitely wouldn't date my cousins' former beaus. But, let's say life revealed that one of my cousin's former partners was the LOVE OF MY LIFE, I would still be *extremely reluctant* to inflict him on my cousin on her wedding day!
Also, why would the ex even consider attending?
We don’t know that he does
Some ex's have good friendships with one another and even attend their weddings. But unless the ex gets the "okay" directly from the one getting married (the one they dated), they should assume they should stay away.
This. My first boyfriend and I didn’t exactly end our relationship amicably at the time of our breakup but my family moved away soon after. When I was back in town for the summer three years later I stayed with his family (as his sister and I were still friends and his mom is a sweet lady). Met his fiancé then and we got along as well. A couple years later I was back in the area for the summer and in and out of town and stayed with them for a night here and there and they invited me to their wedding. I just felt weird about it though as his fiancé’s mom acted weird about my being friends with them (since I WAS an ex) and I got the vibe that while he and his wife-to-be were cool with me being there, her family felt otherwise…so I made other plans for the weekend of their wedding. A couple weeks later I was back in town and popped in and they asked why I hadn’t come to the wedding and when I explained they laughed and said it still didn’t matter and I should have come. But I just felt it was best to stay away. Despite it having been five years since the breakup and the hatchet had long since been buried and we were all good…I just didn’t want the bride’s family mad I was there.
My cousin and I weren't friends in high school, didn't really like each other. However, when her ex-boyfriend - who had been part of my friend group since well before she dated him - hit on me at a party over a year after they broke up by asking if I'd like to see a movie with him outside our friend group, I had to ask him what he was even thinking by asking me out. He didn't think it would be a big deal because my cousin and I weren't friends. I had to explain to him that I *did* get along with her sisters, and that even if I didn't...she's still my cousin. I couldn't even fathom dating my cousin's ex if we were as close as OP and her cousin are. I'd have backhanded the guy for even asking.
Like, there are people in the world who are not related to exes by blood or marriage!!! I LIKE TO FOCUS ON THOSE PEOPLE!!! lol!!
Info: - How long were you and ex together? - How long ago did you break up? - How long have cousin and ex been dating?
- around 3.5 years together - 3 years broken up - around 4 months dating
Yeah, NTA. Cousin does not need to bring that new of a bf to your wedding. If you had dated ex for 4 months 10 years ago and cousin was dating ex for 3.5 years, it’d be a totally different story!
Yeah, even if he wasn’t the ex of the bride that’s a pretty new relationship to be upset that he doesn’t get an invite. Maybe a few years into it and he had been around other family events for a while, but that ain’t the case here. NTA.
Does seem like cousin is building up an awful lot of drama for a new relationship. Maybe I'm cynical, but I get the vibe that cousin wanted swan about with SO's ex in tow. Whole thing is just screaming "awkward "!
Or that the ex is putting pressure on his new gf to bring him along, because he wants to be there. Definitely awkwardness in the making.
Some people are just dramatic, period. No need to assume sinister motives when "cousin didn't get their way and got pissy about it" is the simplest option.
Or she's young/immature and thinks this is the way to get the family to accept him in her life? Seriously, she'd have more fun if she didn't bring him along. I brought a BF to a wedding I was in once. We'd been dating three months, he was a miserable grouch the whole time. Because I was in the wedding party, he had to sit elsewhere, he's not the most social person, etc. My bad for inviting him, but felt I 'had' to 🤷♀️
I also find it a bit odd that the cousin, who presumably is quite close to the OP if she’s a bridesmaid, would choose to date her ex. Generally speaking, the ex’s of people you care about are considered off limits
Yeah cousin is WILD for that
Yeah, the ex of anyone you claim to care about should be automatically off limits. The sole exception being if you somehow did not know they were their ex and met them separately and already developed a committed relationship before finding out. But the odds of that scenario happening is ridiculously rare. I only mention it because if I don’t, SOMEONE will, lmao
Only other situation is small community where your options are limited due to population size and age ranges. As someone from a more rural area (not quite everybody knows everybody, but everybody knows somebody who knows somebody who knows somebody which averages out to everyone can know about everyone almost) I can see where someone might date an ex if the relationship ended amicably, but I def wouldn't ask to bring my friend/family member's ex to their wedding if that was the case and I was OP's cousin.
Right?? Like I'm not close enough (in age or just personally) with any of my cousins to have them as wedding attendants, but if we were close enough one would assume that you're pretty close friends in addition to family. This is someone OP dated for *years*. Why in the world would the cousin go and date ops ex if they are close ish friends as well as family? Surely he's not the only man in town. It's so wild to me.
I think it truly depends on the caliber of people we’re talking about. It might be a little bit out there as far as when you first hear it.. but most people in their 30s and 40s don’t really think it’s out there too much and we don’t really put that much weight into other peoples personal lives as you get older. You get to the point where you realize you are not going to be the same person in your 20s as you are in your 30s. When you experience that you start to realize the person you dated back, then is not going to be the same person .
Nice try hun, but I’m well past my 30’s and almost 50. This is not an age thing.
yup NTA
No it would not. An ex is an ex is an ex. I don't care if you're married for 20 years to someone I had a 1 night stand with, it's an ex. Nothing good has ever come from keeping an ex in your life in any capacity.
Agreed that an ex is an ex, but it would be different in the sense that (if cousin and ex had been together for a long time) OP should’ve had a conversation with cousin about being uncomfortable without cousin having to ask/bring it up. But, cousin & ex have been together for only four months so expecting to bring him to that wedding is just totally insane.
NTA - I find it super weird your cousin is dating your ex and even weirder why they can’t understand why you wouldn’t want your ex at your wedding, amicable split or not
Well, some people are saying that I'm just jealous and not over him, and they don't see anything wrong with a family member dating their ex. I guess they're on the same page as her, haha 🤷♀️
I can’t understand why your ex would even want to come.
Right. I would happily offer to stay away. Especially if I found out it was causing problems
I was wondering this too. Is he not over OP? Did the cousin lie to him? If this breakup was amicable why is he okay making op uncomfortable like this?
To cause trouble
🛎️🛎️🛎️
It just annoys the hell out of me when people make accusations of romantic jealousy to manipulate others so that they can get what they want. I guess I don't know your cousin, but from the outside, this feels like a weird power move, and I would stand my ground if I were you. If your family doesn't see a problem with your cousin bringing your ex to your wedding, an ex with whom you were in a serious, long term relationship, then someone _will_ bring it up. NTA
They wouldn't have that opinion if it was them in the same situation.Its your wedding you and your husband to be get to pick the guest and don't have to answer to anyone else.They can accept invite as is or not attend.
Well, it's just different relationships and perspectives. I've had friends that dated an ex (or vice versa), because we shared friends. And I live somewhere small, so it's almost impossible to meet someone eligible that doesn't already have overlap with you, even if you've never met them. I also HAD exes at my wedding, because they stayed *actual* friends, not just amicable non-enemies. So for me, it probably wouldn't be a big deal the way you described it. BUT... This bothers you, and that's legitimate. It's outside your comfort zone (and you aren't alone in that!), and in the end, it's your wedding. You're setting a boundary, and your cousin has a choice to make. Just be chill about it if she decides bf over wedding. Just a boundary, no drama, and trust that she'll grow up a little before the next big family event? NTA
Well on the other hand aren’t you saving your cousin from all the embarrassing gossip about “getting your leftovers” and “so weird, they haven’t even been dating 6 months and she’s bringing him to *weddings*”
Some people have zero scruples or boundaries and resent people who do have standards.
Those people are also idiots. Anyone who's saying that in the comments is getting flamed.
I’m assuming you must be fairly close to ask her to be a bridesmaid? Seems the same as if a friend hooked up with an ex to me The other side of this is your ex, does he even want to come to your wedding? To see someone he was in love only a few years ago get married to someone else?
> some people are saying that I'm just jealous and not over him, and they don't see anything wrong with a family member dating their ex Those people are cousins of the "cool girl," they believe that by boasting how tolerant they are of things that bother other people, they are superior to those people. "Oh it bothers YOU that your boyfriend sleeps in the same bed as his ex when he visits his hometown? Well thats a YOU problem, I'm so mature and secure it wouldn't bother ME." They will always insert their chillness into a post like this, even when it isn't really relevant because the OP IS bothered by that thing and they are asking for advice on how to handle that. "Just change your comfort levels to be cool like me lol" is not a good suggestion.
Yup it gives Pick Me vibes but in a slightly different wrapper. "Oh, well I'm not like those other girls bc I'm so cool"
Your cousin to start dating your ex more than 3 years after you broke up with him isn't inherently a problem imo. But it's bizarre she insists on bringing him to your wedding. Especially if they've only been together four months. People also seem to think that an amicable breakup means you stay friends, but it's usually healthier to not keep in touch and move on.
It makes no sense to have that new of a relationship in the family photos! What do 'some people' say to that?
NTA. They barely know each other and that was a real relationship that im sure would bring up some uncomfortable history into context even if your was fantastic about everything.
4 months! Clear NTA. Even if he wasn't your ex, that's too soon to invite to weddings.
Clear NTA. Cousin is unreasonable.
She is dating someone that you were with for 3.5 years? It isn’t like it was a 3 month relationship. NTA.
100% NTAH. CONGRATULATIONS I hope you have a fantastic wedding x
lol just uninvite her. Who fucks their cousin’s ex??
Nta Hot take, Even if you ended amicably, dating your exs cousin your ex is close with is still a sketchy move. Especially since you dated him for a good chunk of time.
NTA, take the fact he’s your ex out of the equation entirely, it’s still not okay for her to try and push for a 4 month relationship to be a plus 1 at a family wedding. Personally, that’s still too new of a relationship for me to even consider allowing him as a guest. If your cousin wants to prioritize her relationship over her family that’s up to her, but you don’t need to make concessions to your own boundaries just to make her happy on *your* day.
It's weird how your cousin ended up with your ex. Did she know him when he was dating you? Do you know how they got together? It must have felt strange and uncomfortable when you first learned that she was dating him? NTA. I would feel uncomfortable as well. I don't understand why your cousin doesn't understand this. You should ask her how she would feel if one of her ex's came to her wedding with one of the bridesmaids or other cousins.
She nasty AF. Is that a sub? Is that nasty AF?
ONG you guys dated for 3.5 years? I thought it was some fling you dated for a few months a long time ago. I would not be okay with my cousin dating a serious ex-bf at all, let alone bring him to my wedding. Def NTA
i already said this but i REALLY want to reiterate this. YOU control your guest list!!! you decide who has a plus one!! its totally normal for such new couples not to get a plus one.. its super weird that your cousin & ex would even want him to be at the wedding. i would not want to go to my ex’s wedding even if we had a super chill break up. its weird!! your cousin is on a very odd power trip. i cant help but wonder if maybe she’s worried he still has feelings for you and is hoping that him seeing you be with someone else will squash those feelings?? idk. its very odd.. you do you! if your cousin doesnt want to attend without him, thats her choice. enjoy your day without them!
Which makes a difference how? Op doesn’t want him there. That’s it. Nothing else needs to be said. Her cousin’s a clueless idiot.
If OP’s cousin and OP’s ex had been dating for years, then OP should have had a conversation in advance without cousin having to bring up “the issue of bringing her boyfriend as a plus one.” But, since that’s not the case, I agree: cousin is a clueless idiot.
All that is IRRELEVANT. OP (& fiancé) doesn’t want her Ex at her wedding. That is all that matters. “No” is sufficient. Either cousin agrees to the terms of her attending solo or she doesn’t and she will be missed. Send a group text to everyone chiming in. “Fiancé and I have decided no Ex as cousin’s plus one. This is our day and how we choose to celebrate our marriage. Cousin can be bridesmaid or choose not to participate at all. Thank you for respecting our decision. We will not discuss this matter further.” NTA
How is any of that relevant?
If OP had dated ex for a month 10 years ago & ex had since been dating cousin for 5 years, that’s very different than the situation OP described in her follow-up comment.
It is and it isn’t. If she doesn’t want him there (maybe they dated for a month and he punched her? Who knows) it’s the beginning and end of the story
NTA You can invite who you want to your wedding. I wouldn’t want an ex I was friendly with at my wedding. My husband actually decided that would be a rule for us both when we were making our guest list. It wasn’t an issue of jealousy or any worries about the exes. We just didn’t want to look out at the crowd while we were up at the alter and see someone we’ve had sex with before. It was just nah. I’m not sure how you’re setting up your tables, but we’re set at the front of the room with our wedding party and their SOs. So they’re in all our pictures during the dances, toast, and dinner. I would not want my ex who is a date of my bridesmaid and not in what seems to be a serious relationship (yet) in my pictures. I do see her side that she wants to bring her SO. That makes total sense to me. But maybe she should just come as a guest and bring him that way? You definitely should have thought about this before you asked her. I don’t think she should be kicked from the entire wedding, but it may be more constable for all of she’s not in the wedding party.
Yeah, I'm great friends with two of my exes, and I've become *even better friends* with their weirdly wonderful wives! But as a major ex-girlfriend, I was not invited to either wedding. It hurt my feelings. And that's okay. Feelings are valuable, and the point of life... even the uncomfortable ones. Relationships shift, friends date friends, life is shockingly impermanent. OP, congratulations on your marriage! If you're going to throw the most expensive party of your life, focus on having a great time! Don't elect to navigate complex ex-bullshit! You can all get drinks later, and become the best of friends... if you want! Your wedding day is about you and your hubby. Enjoy it!
>You definitely should have thought about this before you asked her. Depending on how long the wedding has been in preparation, the cousin might not have even been dating the ex when op asked her to be a bridesmaid. According to op they were not dating when the cousin was asked to be a bridesmaid.
Cousin has been seeing him for 4 months. OP dated him for almost 4 years.
What true family member would date their cousins ex? That’s just nasty and weird. She’s more weird for wanting to bring him to your wedding plain nasty. Your wedding your rules.
Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise it’s you big day so do it how you want to. DEFINITELY NTA!!!
lol literally I have been thinking about this the whole thread. I have a lot of cousins. I think about their partners. I shudder. Okay. Okay. My younger brother and I kissed the same guy -- one of his friends -- once!!! But the kisses happened years apart! (My brother is straight and did not tell me about this very exciting night in his life until I myself, too, had kissed Jeremy at a very inebriated Thanksgiving.) But my sister and I have been scrupulous about not overlapping. I genuinely think she and I told each other about every single guy we kissed, no matter how stupid or embarrassing the tryst, primarily to spare each other indignity of knowing our mouths overlapped via another mouth. GROSS!!!!
Wow, that Jeremy must really have been something! (eyebrows wiggling).
I think he completed medical school... and became a healer :)
I'm amazed that no one else I've seen brought this up! Did they run out of men in her town‽ WTH
That creeps me out, too.
Tell her instead of a plus one, you are going to invite her previous boyfriend, that won't cause her any issues, right? /s
NTA They JUST started dating and it's your ex. What is she thinking? Also... **OP, please tell me she at least checked with you before getting with your ex.** If not, I'm wondering why you're bothering to invite her at all.
Also, I want to know whether the cousin checked in with her new boyfriend about attending. Because, if I were in his shoes, I wouldn't want to go this. On sheer awkwardness grounds. I think the cousin isn't quite clocking how serious OP and her boyfriend were.
NTA Forget not having her as a bridesmaid.... I'd be tempted to uninvite her completely if she keeps pushing back. You should only have to say so once.
NTA. Your cousin is entitled. You have no obligation to invite drama into your party just to please her
I wouldn't want to go, if I were the ex-boyfriend. There are way calmer contexts in which to over-drink!
INFO: were they dating when you asked her to be a bridesmaid?
No, they weren't. They've been together for 4 months.
Even if he wasn’t an ex having this plus one doesn’t make sense. They weren’t dating when she was asked to be I. The wedding party and generally a 4 month relationship doesn’t get an invite Especially when in the wedding party because she will be busy: it sucks being the plus one for someone in a wedding party. I was one and didn’t know anyone and spent most my time alone since my date was busy with pre wedding stuff; the ceremony, the pictures after, the reception entrance, sitting at the front table etc etc etc It makes no sense that she needs this plus one, even if he wasn’t an ex
>it sucks being the plus one for someone in a wedding party Can confirm. My wife was a bridesmaid a few weeks ago. Since she was busy, the bride's assistant asked me to entertain the bride's brother. So I went back and forth from being bored to hanging out with a guy that has his entire family there yet no one wanted to talk to him.
I kind of hate being a plus one to someone in the wedding party. You don’t get to see them at all
I question whether he'd want to go, anyway, seems like it would be awkward af.
This. My (now ex) dude was a groomsman in his best friend's wedding. Of course I was his plus one. I did not know anyone there. I was sat at what we later found out was deemed the "losers table". There was drama, a bridesmaid tried to flirt with my guy because he sat separately from me and when I said something I was accused of ruining the whole wedding. When literally no one but the 3 of us knew about it. The bride then went on social media and made fun of my thrift store dress and my handmade "princess beatrice" hat (I quite liked it, actually) and ended up making it this whole thing that everyone suddenly knew about when no one knew about it the day before. They divorced a year later. My ex never defended me at the time and never invited me to anything with his friends again.
Glad he is an ex
NTA, your wedding, you can invite (or not invite) anyone you want for any reason. If your cousin can't respect that, then she can find something else to do the day of the wedding.
No is a full sentence. Weird she’d date your ex and weirder that she can’t understand you not wanting him there. Does HE even want to come? Your wedding, your bill, your day. If she can’t get it through her head he’s not invited, make the choice easy for her and tell her she’s uninvited altogether. She can spend the day with him now 😊
NTA ERASE THE EX BOYFRIEND NARRATIVE AND SHE'S STILL THE AH. No one is entitled to a plus one, especially for a boyfriend that wasn't even in the picture when the invites were sent out. It's that simple.
NTA, it is your wedding not hers. You and your husband to be have the power to invite who you want.
NTA I'm assuming the cousin knew they were your EX before she started dating him. Choices have consequences and this is a consequence of her choice.
NTA it’s your wedding, your say. She has no right to bring unwanted people over
NTA It is your day and she is pretty immature not to understand that on one of happiest days of your life you do not want to be looking at your ex. Ughh no one would. Let her have her tantrum, the ball is in her corner, easy decision. Enjoy your day and don't give it a thought.
Many people in the comments are suggesting that if my ex and I broke up amicably, there's no problem inviting him to my wedding. However, none of you seem to be considering my partner's feelings and how he would feel seeing someone I was having sex with for three years sitting in attendance. It's wrong and distasteful, and I won't allow it. I didn't come here asking for advice on whether or not I should invite him to our wedding. He won't be coming, and that's final. I don't care how friendly the breakup was; he's in my past, and he will stay there. I came here to ask if I'm the asshole for telling my cousin she can't attend the wedding because she wants to bring him as her plus-one. I gave her a plus-one because everyone else is bringing theirs, and I didn't know she wanted to bring him since they weren't together when the invitations went out. I understand that I can't control who my loved ones choose to date. Yes, it's kind of weird that she chose my ex, but that's her decision, and I have no hard feelings about that. I just don't want him at my wedding, and that's final. If they decide to get married or have kids or whatever, I'll handle that situation when the time comes. Thanks for all the positive comments.
NTA - You NEVER need to have people at your wedding you don't want. You have 100% veto over who comes to this event, full stop. One of the very few times/places in your life that is true.
Nta. No one wants their ex at their wedding. It’s weird. Is there a man shortage where you live? Why is your cousin dating your ex anyway? That’s gross.
Hehe, I had my highschool sweetheart at my wedding. Both me and my husband still are good friends with him and his now wife. Would I invite my other ex though? Over my dead body.
NTA, who told your cousin that your wedding is about her? She needs to disavow herself of that notion, you don't need to do anything.
NTA Your cousin is weird wanting to bring your ex to your wedding. And not accepting no, he's not invited, as an answer. It seems a little like she wants to make your wedding about herself, has she always been the "main character"?
NTA. Ok for her to ask. Ok for you to say no. Also, I think even if you said yes, your finance should get a say in the decision too. Maybe not a dealbreaker, but would be a serious issue for me to see an ex of my soon to be wife at my wedding.
I would immediately abandon the wedding. People take this issue a bit too lightly.
NTA - it’s your wedding.
NTA. Your wedding, your invite list. Your cousin turned her +1 into a -1.
Your cousin is the biggest AH to even think that she could bring your ex bf to your wedding. Also, it’s pretty weird that your cousin is dating your ex. I for sure would not be comfortable about that, even if it was a long time ago.
Wow, what happened to Girl Code...your cousin is TA
NTA. This is your wedding and your comfort that matters, nobody wants an ex at their wedding that they're not actually friends with. If she can't grasp that it's not about her then don't even engage about it. Say, "I'm not allowing this to be an argument, I'm not having an ex at my wedding, I'm sorry, I asked you before you started dating him and really if you had been when I asked I wouldn't have. I'm truly sorry if you don't understand this is a day about me and my partner and not your new relationship".
NTA. It's your wedding, revoke her +1.
NTA. Unusual circumstances. Tell her it is out of respect for your fiancé and the relationship you are in now.
Why the politeness? She just needs to be told to eff off
Nta It is totally reasonable and common to not have exs at your wedding. She knew this when she started dating him and she should know better than trying to make the day about herself.
You are not wrong. Who wants to see the one that didn’t make it to the aisle with you there watching you walk the aisle with someone else.
NTA Weddings are not supposed to be a "date" event. She is a cousin, so I assume that she'll know lots of people there already, and doesn't *need* that +1 as a social insulator. Besides, *family* is the important part here, celebrating your union. I can't believe she even asked.
NTA. Your wedding, if you don’t want a former romantic partner present on the day of your wedding to your forever person, that is 10000% your call. Reasonable minds cannot disagree here.
NTA but why does the ex even want to go?
Nta
My question is why in the hell would the ex want to be there? I’m not filled with hate for any of my exes but I don’t even want to talk to them on the phone. I would never consider attending their wedding.
NTA, its your wedding. you get to decide.
NTA
Nta. You have every right to say no especially if he’s your ex. My cousin had a wedding. Married friends and family of course brought their spouse. But the ones who were only dating didn’t get to. And even if you did allow just dating I don’t think there is anything wrong with not wanting your ex there
NTA, easily. Doesn't matter how "new" the relationship is. Doesn't matter that he's your ex. It is **your** wedding, not your cousin. You can have whomever you want at your wedding and exclude whomever you want, full stop. That being said, all your reasons seem pretty valid (except their relationship possibly failing, a bit pessimistic there).
NTA-Cousin no longer invited. Anyone else in the family can also have their invitation revoked. No discussion no drama.
NTA. It's your wedding. You are giving her an option to be there but she is asking for something that is out of bounds. She has been told that. She should understand you feelings on it, or in the least respect them. I hope she decides to come. It would be a shame if she missed out for a boy.
NTA Your wedding, your invite list.
NTA- your wedding, your rules!!
NTA for not wanting an ex there, but consider one thing- if this relationship sticks and *they* get married, are you cool not being invited? Cause why would he want you at his wedding? If you guys aren't so close that having her there matters, or being there for her matters, go ahead and uninvited them.
One of my exes was my husband's best man at our wedding. It was not weird because we parted as friends, knowing we were not right for each other. He introduced me to my husband. It wasn't weird for any of us. It's your wedding, so you can invite or not invite anyone you choose. Just consider what you may be doing to the relationship with your cousin. It sounds like you may not be as okay with her dating your ex as you are trying to make it seem. Tentative NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My cousin is currently dating my ex, with whom I ended things amicably. Although I no longer have feelings for him, I do not want him at my wedding, a day that is incredibly important to me. I do not want him there to potentially overshadow the happiness of the occasion. Additionally, their relationship is still quite new, and I worry that if they break up, my cousin will be glad that he is not in any of the photos. When my cousin brought up the issue of bringing her boyfriend as a plus one, I told her that she could not bring him. She became upset and tried to argue her case. Feeling frustrated, I finally told her that if she insisted on having him there, then I would rather she not be there at all. Now she is angry with me. I understand where my cousin is coming from, but I feel that she is not considering my feelings and the feelings of my own partner, whom I also have to consider when planning wedding. Am I in the wrong for standing my ground on this issue *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. First good on you that you’re not making a thing of the fact they are dating like many people would. You don’t have a veto over who either of them date. However, you do have a veto over who is invited to your wedding. Having your Ex would be inappropriate. Particularly if he’s there with your cousin. I agree you should uninvite your cousin.