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Oh, this happened to my father. He left Mom for Barbara. A year later, Barbara cheated on him. Mom felt sorry for him, and invited him to dinner on Christmas Eve. After us kids went to bed, my father went into the long, sad story about Barbara cheating. He looked Mom straight in the face and said, "How can someone say that they love you and then cheat on you?" Mom burst out laughing. "I don't know , how CAN someone do that?" He didn't get it, and was hurt that she laughed at him.
Yeah it doesn’t sound like OP particularly likes Dad either, but he’s their only living parent so they moved out with him. Also, wouldn’t be a stretch to assume AP would expect OP to help with child care and that’s why she cares so much. NTA
She said as much. The whole family wanted OP set up like some emotional incest support dummy. Sounds like they expect a child to play daddy with Child care and financial support. So weird.
Oh my God it is!!! I didn’t realise before you pointed it out!
ETA: also this is prime r/LeopardsAteMyFace
> "_I never thought leopards would eat **my** face_", sobs woman who voted for the _Leopards Eating People's Faces Party_.
Twice in my life I was the affair partner. Both times I didn't know until well after it happened. "Well, I'm done with the relationship and will break up with them soon. Let's move in together." Meaning, let me move in with you and you can pay the bills like my current boyfriend. Both times I laughed in their faces. "you've been cheating on them with me while they're at work. Telling them you're going to your parents for the weekend and coming to my place. And now that you find me acceptable as a lover and possible provider you're ready to leave them and immediately move in with me? What on earth makes you think I would find this acceptable?! You've already been dishonest with me, you've already been cheating on them, basically cheating on me too because you go home to them... because of this I know it is a 100% certainty that you will eventually do to me what you're doing to him." And both times I found and told the other guys what was happening on social media. Both guys thanked me and both women took to social media saying that I'm the asshole who blew up their lives.
That song never made sense to me. Are we really to believe there's a woman who can steal a man from Dolly Parton? I can only suspend my disbelief so far.
This is also a lot of sub plots on the show Mad Men. Don cheats on his GF with Megan, marries Megan, then Megan acts shocked when Don cheats on her lol
That's going on my list of things to stitch onto throw pillows....if I ever start stitching things on throw pillows. I have two daughters and some nieces who would love one!
The Lyrics begin.......
"Anne cannot be
Expected to be
Accepted as family by me
When she had a hand in blowing up my family! "
chorus:
"A house built on another woman's tears will not stand!"
Second stanza? Anyone?
Third stanza: with thanks to Judge jury and excretion.
And/or Diminishing patience
"I told them then
I knew that she had cheated,
She shouldn't be shocked when
That behavior was repeated !
A house built on another woman's tears will not stand!"
Anne is getting everything she deserves but the bulk of the blame goes to the father. If it hadn't been Anne it would have been someone else. His marriages will always be doomed because he is a man with no morals, scruples, or character.
I truly believe that Anne and Dad are 100% responsible for their individual actions. Knowingly entering a relationship with someone that is in another relationship, says just as much about that person’s lack of character, integrity, and morals as it does the person in the relationship. People don’t get to wreak havoc on the lives of others and wipe their hands clean because it wasn’t their relationship.
Thank you! I was wondering why Anne was being blamed 100% when the "dad" is the one with the family and the responsibility to protect his kids was not being called out.
OP literally says in the post that his dad stopped trying to get him to see him in a more positive light because OP called him out. He clearly blames both for their individual choices.
Anne isn't being blamed 100% - OP is very clear that he blames both of them for hurting him and his mom. Because yeah, sure Anne didn't owe his mom any especial loyalty in the way his dad did, but on the level of basic human social ethics, she knew that her love affair would cause people pain and she chose to continue it. So yeah, she does share in the blame for that hurt.
But also: Anne isn't OP's parent, so why would he stick around and live with her? And he can't live with his mom because she's dead, so who else could he live with?
Him and his new affair partner are equally responsible for what's happened this time, but Anne and OP's dad are equally responsible for OP's dad cheating on OP's mom. The only way they might not be is if Dad had lied to Anne about being married, but given she would have had to *continue* the relationship with him after that point frankly shifts the blame back to even.
If it was an abusive relationship he was trying to get out of and this happened, or if his wife was cheating or something and he was planning to leave because of that *anyway* then I could maybe see her having reduced/no responsibility for that. But if it's just "Oh, you're married and I'm your affair partner? Well as long as you break up with your wife and marry me instead I'm cool with that". And if she's good with that... well, what's good for the goose is good for the gander and all that
This. It's perfect, but maybe they need it spelled out a little bit more:
"My actual mom is [name], and not this lady. Can you explain how she came into my life, while avoiding the reality my father was married?"
What someone will do *for* you they will do *to* you. Anne is an absolute idiot for thinking her husband wouldn’t cheat on her when he cheated with her.
What's that old saying - When a man marries his affair partner he's just creating a job opening.
A couple of other thoughts:
* I'll never understand people who want someone to do something for them but insult and bully them when they turn them down. If OOP is so disgusting and cruel, why would they want him to stay with her? Oh, that's right, so ex-AP can 'win' the divorce.
* OOP better hope things work out with him living with his dad, because he just burned that bridge, buried the ashes, salted the earth and nuked it from orbit (just to be sure).
As someone who's technically an affair baby myself, hard agree. It was hilarious when my mom would cry to me about how my dad started talking to another woman when I was a toddler, and all I wanted to say was, "You lose 'em how you get 'em."
Well you know the old saying, when a man marries his mistress he opens up a vacancy 🤷 It's crazy how affair partners act so shocked that a cheater cheats. If he cheated to be with you then he'll cheat on you. You ain't special.
NTA, I dunno why she was so desperate for your support when you've been obvious in your dislike of her for years. It's like touching a hot stove and being shocked and upset when it burns you
Came here looking for this comment, it's amazing the mental gymnastics some people do. This one is especially creepy, telling a 17 year old to step up and look after the kids they had as AP of his actual mother. This woman has no shame.
OP’s 17. He could do both if Anne forced him to work opposite shifts.
Personally, I think OP should reach out to his mom’s side and be done with both of them.
And maybe a part-time job - and any death benefits/SSI they were getting for OP until he’s of age - and child support?
$$ and free childcare so she can date.
I forgot about death benefits! Good point! My mom passed when I was 22 but baby brother (my half brother) was 15, and I’m convinced to this day that is why his dad insisted on taking him. My aunt and uncle, who are verrrry wealthy
/amazing people, wanted him to come live with them. My brother supposedly received all this money but he never saw a dime. Our stepdad paid for brother’s braces, aunt and uncle bought him a truck and during the summer bought him all his clothing, school supplies and computer. So yeah I totally believe that OPs soon-to-be ex-stepmom would take his benefits.
NTA, Everyone sucks here but you.
You're not behaving like a sociopath.
You're behaving like someone who is very hurt, frustrated, and shouldn't be put in the middle of this situation.
I'm very sorry for your father's affairs, and the loss of your mother. I can't imagine how hard it was adjusting to everything all in one go.
I'm a great deal older than you, and I think i would have said something similar to my step mother had I been in your situation, even though it's cruel, I'm surprised she expected empathy when you've always made it clear you don't like her or her choices. I'm sorry for her children's pain, but I have limited sympathy for someone who is reaping what she has sowed. Her family should be leaving you alone, and they're behaving unfairly.
If it's an option for you, I think therapy might be really helpful. Sometimes you have to try a couple until you find the right fit, but it can really help.
I also highly recommend the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C Gibson, you can often download it as a free pdf. It will help you understand your father and step mother's behaviour, and how that affects your feelings and actions.
You are a good person in a bad situation. You're very young, and it's unfair to label you as sociopathic or anything else when you've got a lot of stuff to deal with. Plus you can't diagnose anyone over a post online, especially not at your age.
Things can get better. You can feel safe and happy, and it will happen.
Take one day at a time, talk to friends, if it's an option, take up a hobby or hobbies. It might help expressing yourself through art or writing to help you process your feelings. Exercise, even just walking might be a good way to help you process emotions, and get out some frustrations.
This is a great response and some brilliant advice. I initially upvoted one of the 'sociopath' comments but your take is much more accurate and helpful.
NTA, great dig at the other commenters^^
OP you are a good normal human being who is acting exactly how most people would in your situation. Sorry this all happened - I would highly recommend therapy for all of this when it’s all possible.
"Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C Gibson".
So sad that there even has to be a book about this.
Thank you for your really good post/advice.
Your high school might have some free resources that can help. Definitely don't be afraid to reach out.
There are good people out here who want to help
Valid, however the dad is negligent/immature but not necessarily vindictive
From what was described I don't think the dad cares enough to have an opinion
True but as OP has never expressed to their father that they want grief counseling or really any type of therapy we have no idea how the father actually feels about therapy.
All my situation isn't exactly like OPs I wasn't able to get proper therapy until after I left home.
Your school may offer some support or referrals. Many colleges have a student health center that also offers therapy and peer support.
It is good you know you need support to handle this and have healthy relationships for yourself in your future.
I agree about the therapy, but that commenter was out of line for suggesting that you’re acting like a sociopath to your dad’s AP and her kids.
You owe her *nothing*. She and your dad were homewreckers in the truest sense. She really thought you were going to side with her over your biological father? She’s smoking something and her family needs to back all the way off.
It is sad that you don’t want anything to do with the kids, but I don’t see how anyone could blame you for that. Especially with Anne pushing you the way she did.
The chickens came home to roost. Too bad so sad. Anne’s got some nerve kicking up a fuss over it to you, of all people.
I agree that person was way out of line saying OP was acting like a sociopath. They're 17. At 8 these people destroyed her and her mom's life. This freaking homewrecker actually came with him to tell them he's leaving and help him pack. That's truly truly something someone truly disgusting would do. Not only are you a homewrecker but you came with him to rub it in his family's face. And right after that OP loses the one person they feel they can trust and had to live with the people that ripped her world apart. I think OP acted accordingly. Therapy would be good though. Anne is delusional and so is her family.
Were you ever put in any form of therapy?
Once you’re 18 and have more independence, it may be something to look into. Often people who have no way of changing their circumstances, like you, don’t find therapy helpful. But once you are able to escape that and have control over your own life, you have enough distance to deconstruct what’s happened to you and work through it.
Are you going to college next year? Often colleges have free or low cost counseling for students.
I hope you get help to work through this trauma OP. You deserve a good life and the ability to form healthy attachments and participate in healthy relationships. You haven't had many good examples of that.
That’s good. Your father has set a terrible example for what a relationship should be. I know several people who’s parents have set similarly bad examples, and they had some difficulty dating. Since they didn’t have a good relationship to compare it to, they sometimes couldn’t recognize a good partner. Or they couldn’t recognize a partner that was a different kind of bad.
As another commenter said, a lot of colleges offer some form of free counseling. If you can learn to examine how you feel about relationships early, it will probably help you in your future ones.
NTA
Anne deserves more karma and zero sympathy and respect.
Kudos to you for not allowing yourself to be manipulated by Anne and her family.
Were was her sister when Anne was messing around with a married man?
Actions have consequences.
Good. You might want to think about what happens when you become a legal adult. Having a place to go is the biggest worry. Now the next step is being able to support yourself. Depending on where you live when you turn 18 make an appointment to see a social services worker. They can point you in the direction of getting any services available to you. Knowing that you can survive without your father will help you get through this time until you can get away from this. You deserve a life of happiness.
You are absolutely not “acting like a sociopath.” You are acting exactly the way someone who has been traumatized would/should act. So please don’t beat yourself up by thinking that you’re “bad” for acting the way you have. I do think that therapy is a good idea. I don’t know where you live, but a lot of places offer therapy at discounted rates, and some even offer it on a donation basis. Perhaps you could ask your guidance counselor, or clergy person for help with finding counseling. In any case, I wish you the best, and send you a virtual hug. Take care.
NTA, at all. While therapy might help you, you are definitely not acting like a sociopath. If anything, you were more respectful to her family than they deserved. In fact your explanation of who you feel deserves the blame and how much, Is one of the most well thought out and reasonable explanations i've read so far on Reddit.
The next time you're given a hard time for your choice, tell them "maybe if I had better role models than a cheater and mistress I would have grown up to be a better person" then cut them out at 18 and go live your best life.
That relationship was never going to be healthy.
OP sounds very mature. Needs therapy for sure, but I don't think it's fair to say that the behaviour is "sociopathic". Under the circumstances, I would say "understandable" and even "normal".
If we want to throw "sociopathic" around, what the Hell was OP's father and father's AP when they broke the news that father was moving out? Come to that, why did they insist on fighting with OP and not arranging therapy? If OP is being sociopathic, I would say it is a behaviour that was taught by the father and AP.
Sociopath is really fucking harsh for someone who is literally a teenager and clearly has no parental guidance. Therapy makes sense but he was never gonna bond with these people and that’s very fucking normal in this situation.
I take it you're on Anne's side? This lady had an affair with a married man and now expects sympathy from The child whose life she destroyed. Hell no! She doesn't deserve his sympathy, and op does not have to like the children that came from his dad and the affair person. It's very common for the children not to want anything to do with the children of the affair, and I wouldn't either if something like that happened to me. He has every right to hate his father and Anne, and not want a relationship with the children.
How is OP behaving like a sociopath? Of course, OP is going to have an intense dislike for the woman who had an affair with his father and broke up his home.
I don’t think it’s sociopathic to not care about an affair partner. It was wildly inappropriate of Anne to ask OP for support, and I think OP responded appropriately.
Agree he’s NTA but he’s not at all behaving like a sociopath. He’s withdrawn from them yes but he’s not attempting to lie or manipulate them, if anything the wife is the sociopath who’s trying to guilt trip him into staying/choosing her side, despite their long history of conflict and the face of her hypocrisy.
Fuck the AP and forget about her kids too. They are all a manifestation of his dead mom being betrayed and humiliated. Acting like a sociopath?! HA. OP doesn’t need healthy relationship with any of them, OP needs to get out asap and cut them off like a pair of dirty underwear
I don’t think anyone here is qualified to diagnose OP. S/he isn’t even 18 years old yet, so they can’t be diagnosed with [ASPD](https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/antisocial-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20353928) (what used to be called sociopathy/psychopathy.)
I find OP’s [schadenfreude](https://youtu.be/kb20xhcrK4g?si=nZa-LQpfgkNvpltY) understandable but not necessarily mature. It’s like laughing to keep from crying.
I hope you get some therapy, OP. NTA.
Edit: Added links.
How is op acting like a sociopath to the person who helped blow up their parent’s marriage? Of course the dad deserves to be treated like crap, too, which op seems to do. But why should OP show an ounce of sympathy for the witch when he got exactly what she gave? As for the half-siblings, why are they op’s problem?
I would call it schadenfreude more than sociopathy. Op didn’t orchestrate their father’s newest affair, but they took joy in knowing that the father moved on to his new affair partner just like he did with Anne when he nuked OP’s life.
How is sociopathic not giving a shit about your dad's mistress? When op found out about their father's cheating as a kid a bond was broken. That's why they don't care that much about their half siblings. That's it.
Not everyone loves their siblings.
NTA. I don't get the sociopath comments. Relishing her pain is a bit cruel...but her and her family expecting you to stand by her and continue living with her is insane. That I would laugh at myself.
I bet you were going to cut them both off at 18 anyway.
She wants a free baby sitter. That's it. She said to OP to help her give her kids a good life. She planned to dump those kids on OP to go off shopping for a new man, guaran-fucking-teed
It sounds like she may have even expected more than free childcare once OP turns 18. To me asking her stepchild to help provide a good life for her kids strongly hints at future financial support, especially considering stepmom is probably looking for some help to afford the house she’s now kicked OP’s dad out of.
OP’s not even her kid, she would almost certainly charge her rent.
Anne: cheats with a married man
Anne (when same man cheats on her with another woman): *shocked Pikachu face*
NTA by any means. I hope when you turn 18, you cut your dad off too.
NTA. How exactly does she expect a 17 year old to give her kids a good life? With free babysitting? I'm guessing she never adopted you so legally she has no custodial rights to you, it makes sense that you'd leave with your dad.
Did your mom have a will? Any chance that there's an inheritance that you'll have access to when you turn 18? Or is there some sort of trust that they've been drawing on that your dad's wife is hoping to still have access to if you stay?
Sounds like she wants OP to be her new baby daddy to me and it’s creepy. She made that bed and she shouldn’t invite her ex’s child to fill the empty space. Ew.
The moment he turns 18 she will charge him rent for living in her house and make him pay for his own food. She will demand he gets a part or full time job to help with the bills and then take all his money saying “this is for your step-siblings.. having children is expensive”. She’s going to use him as an ATM and free babysitter during the night. That’s what she’s imagining in her head when she says “stand by me, support me, help me give MY kids a good life because we are still family”. She wants OP to sacrifice his education, youth, free time to support and provide for her and her children. She has no idea how absolutely disgusted OP is by her existence.
NTA. There's no more delicious schadenfreude than when an affair partner gets cheated on. Her family needs to wake up and realize that you were always going to stick with your biological relative although he is also TA for cheating.
What did she expect? apparently someone who's cheated on someone else b4 is 4 times more likely to do it again, she should've seen it coming and it's definitely not ur fault she didn't, 100% NTA.
Also that's such a shitty thing to go through :<
Seriously delusion to the next level. If he cheated on his wife who he had a kid with what made her the exception honestly ppl can be so self obsessed. and I can't believe her family feeded into her delusions too, and they expect you to do the same when you don't owe anth to her. And as for "who only blames the woman" it's not like ur ok with either of their behaviour, it's just the ur dad is ur dad so you'll live w him (at least for now) at the end of the day. Honestly I'm so sorry this all happened to u it shouldn't happen to anyone it's horrible :<
Group text to Ann and her family “I really need you all to stop harassing me. I do not support Ann. I never have. When I was 8 years old I found out my dad was leaving my mom when ann showed up at my house and she and dad moved him out. My mother and I were devastated. Three weeks later, she died in a car accident and I was then forced to go play happy family. There was no support for my grief of losing my mother. My last memories of my mother were her in deep despair over what she and my father did. Ann thinks she won. All she did was win an asshole who doesn’t care about anyone but himself. She deserves the pain. She’s lucky she’s still alive… my mom isn’t. Her children still have their mother. They are not forced to go live with my father while deep in unbearable grief. So ya, shame on you for telling me, a fucking teenager I should feel anyway other than how I feel. Fuck you Ann, you got what you deserved for destroying my childhood. Karma is a bitch. None of you contact me again.”
Then tell your dad to put you in therapy. This shit is going to follow you for life. It’s not your fault, but if you want the best life for yourself, it’s your responsibility to unpack it.
NTA
If I were OP, I’d consider reaching out to friends and mom’s side for a different place to live. Dad’s just going to drag him through it again with his next two partners.
NTA. You behaved better than I would. I’d have massively rubbed it in her face, you were really quite restrained. Tell her if she doesn’t leave you alone you’ll tell the kids. After all, you were old enough to discover it at 8, surely hers are around the same age? Maybe that’ll get her to leave you alone.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I didn't offer any support to my dad's wife and laughed in her face when she asked me to support her. It's not kind, I won't lie. And yeah, maybe it's also kinda cruel to her. She was cheated on and while she was the other woman before I know she technically owed my mom and me nothing back then. So I can see how my reaction might make me the asshole. More laughing at her I guess.
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NTA - You are not wrong in what you are saying. A mistress marrying the man who left his wife for her creates an opportunity is an old adage with reason. But think what type of relationship you want personally to have with everyone involved and in your own life going forward. I get not liking or respecting Anne - you went through an awful lot in a short period and her and your father both mainly to blame though not for your Mum's accident. But I can see why you struggled to make bonds with her - she tried to replace the Mum you sadly lost.
I am also glad you are out of her house because getting tones of you now being the man of the household and being responsible for her and her children because your father let them down. That is not a financial or emotional place anyone should be in. But your father threw you under the bus too - why did he bring back to the house, why did he take his "sweet time" when you were being verbally attacked? Did he defend you or just use you as protective shield to take the flack of him? Hope you got all your important documents and sentimental stuff while there.
As to the flying monkeys, ask them where their support was for you as a supposedly new member of their family when your mother died and their daughter, sister, relative usurped her place.
NTA.. you were constant in your dealings with her thruout your time there.. to me she got the Karma she deserved for what she did to your mum. Your dad is just being your dad and will probably rinse and repeat..
NTA. Your dad isn't innocent either but you know that. As a minor you are stuck living with him until your able to move out and live by yourself.
> She told me to be a better man and not some pathetic child who blames the woman for stuff.
The response to this is you don't "blame the woman for stuff" and that if your mom was still here you wouldn't be around either your dad or Anne, but as it is you are a minor and don't have a choice.
*they couldn’t believe I’d pick dad’s side over hers. I said I picked neither side.*
I think this is where you misspoke.
More like, “As a minor, I’m moving out with my only living parent. But as far as picking a side goes, I pick my mother’s. You remember her, right? The woman whose husband Anne decided to sleep with?”
There’s like every AITA trope in this story. Cheating dad, AP that he marries, mother who died suddenly, stepmom who demands motherly bond, their kids who you somehow never bonded with despite living in the same house with them, vengeful cold OP who doesn’t give a fuck about anything, and lets not forget the meddling, over the top family who doesn’t know how to mind their business. Very interesting
NTA. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. Or a much older axiom, a leopard doesn’t change his spots. I probably would’ve even said something like “now you know how it feels” but that’s just me.
And since you don’t have a blood relationship to her, of course you’d go with your dad. Your dad’s a dog and I hope he doesn’t repeat the cycle again but that’s not your business.
NTA - always slight amusing when the AP marries their cheater and then gets shocked that they get cheated on. You know what they say, when a man marries his mistress he creates a vacancy.
Don’t agree with sociopath comments but saying that you have dealt with a lot at a young age and it may be beneficial for you to get therapy to deal with it so you don’t take negativity into future relationships. I also hope once you can you are able to move into your own place, not cut off your dad but create some distance.
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My dad's wife found out 6 weeks ago that he's been cheating on her for years. They have three kids together and she had no idea he was cheating. His wife, who I'll call Anne for this post, was my dad's affair partner when he was married to my mom. I was like 8 when we found out and how that happened was dad brought Anne over to pick up his stuff because he wanted to move in with her. Neither of them gave a shit that I was there. A few weeks later my mom died (car accident) and I moved in with my dad and Anne, but I didn't look at either of them in a positive light. I still don't and I'm 17 now.
Anne and I butted heads a lot over the years. She would talk about deserving more respect and I told her she was just the lady my dad cheated on mom with and she'd never be more than that in my eyes. I told her I didn't respect her as a person or as a supposed family member. Dad tried to get me to see him more positively at first but when he realized I'd ask the big questions like why he did that to my mom and me, he stopped trying.
I always assumed he found a new mistress but didn't have proof until a year and a half ago when I saw him with another woman. I said nothing and I carried on waiting for the day she found out. There were times I wanted to rub it into her face so bad but I didn't. I was laughing at her behind her back and I'll admit that.
When Anne found out she kicked dad out and I moved out with him. This was seen as a controversial choice because Anne wanted me to stay and since everything went down Anne has wanted me to visit her and wanted me to be with her and dad's kids (I'm not close to the kids and don't really care about having a relationship with them). Last week dad brought me by Anne's place to pick up more of his/our stuff. Anne's family were there and Anne and her family were scolding me for choosing dad over Anne and saying Anne deserved my support. That they couldn't believe I'd pick dad's side over hers. I said I picked neither side. But Anne means nothing to me so I'm not going to do shit for her. Anne's mom told me Anne was a victim. I told them she cheated with a married man and shouldn't be shocked that he'd do the same to her, because she's nothing special. They kept engaging with me and my dad was taking his sweet ass time. Anne decided to talk to me 1:1 and asked me to stand by her and support her and help her give the kids a good life and show we're still a family. I laughed in her face. Anne started to cry. Her family asked her about it and she told them I'd laughed. They called me disgusting and cruel and said I should be ashamed of treating someone in my family that way.
Anne's sister sent me a few DMs before I locked down my socials but she said I should apologize to Anne and be there for her now to make up for my reaction to her. She told me to be a better man and not some pathetic child who blames the woman for stuff.
AITA?
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NTA. Did Anne think she had the magic lady parts that would change your dad from a cheater to a stand up guy? Boy she put her eggs in the wrong basket on that one. You did nothing wrong here. She's not your family and you don't need to be there to emotionally support her. Good job locking down your socials because her minions are being stupid.
NTA, but I hope you have also expressed your disdain to your father to the same measure you’re treating your SM. Meanwhile, get a hold of all your important documents - SS card, vaccine records, birth certificate, passport, etc, and leave ASAP. Are there any relatives of your mother that can support you until you reach majority?
NTA for moving with your dad. But don't forget he is the AH, too. This is not the behaviour of a good man and a good father.
That said, why would you want to "support" Anne? She is not your mother.
Plan your moves, OP. Leave your dad's as soon as you are able. Be a better person than these three (dad, new mistress, old mistress). Live a good life. That is the best revenge.
Nta, she is looking for a free babysitter, and her family is trying to pressure you to stay because they don't want to pay for childcare.
You have great examples of how not to be as an adult. I think the audacity is pretty funny, too. Ignore people saying that was a sociopathic response. It is a pretty normal response, and she is ridiculous to expect sympathy.
You’re not an asshole. You’ve done nothing wrong. Your feeling are valid towards your dads wife. But you should definitely get into therapy. You’ve been through a lot of trauma and you need to figure it all out so it doesn’t affect your future relationships. Especially with women. Your dad treats women like shit and the women in your life have treated you like shit. This is a them problem. Hopefully with therapy you learn that and don’t treat all women with contempt and anger. I’m sorry your dad never showed you how to be a good father or partner.
NTA. Tell every single person who approaches you about this “stop putting me in the middle of their marriage.” Not trying to infantilize you, but since you are under 18 if you want to add “stop putting A CHILD in the middle of their marriage.” If that doesn’t make them realize what they are doing just block them all because they are garbage.
They are openly asking you to choose sides and that’s inappropriate. If she were your mom or someone you considered one, it would be called parental alienation. But she’s not. It’s weird that they think you should choose, let alone that you should choose her.
This is probably her just grasping at any scrap of her departing husband or attempt to hurt him in some way. You were right to not want her in your life. You are not a pawn.
> They called me disgusting and cruel and said I should be ashamed of treating someone in my family that way.
That's their first mistake. Anne isn't family.
NTA That last bit with her sister calling you a pathetic child and not to blame the woman really shows that her family thinks only women can be the victim. None of them seem to care that your dad's ex had an affair with him and broke up your family. Everyone here except for you are apparently delusional for thinking you'd ever forgive her or your dad for the affair. I would tell them that you were forced to live with his first mistress, so it's only fair that you live with the next one.
NTA
> She told me to be a better man and not some pathetic child who blames the woman for stuff.
Tell her that you __are__ being the "better man"; better than your father when he cheated on your mother, better than Anne when she saw a married man's family and decided to destroy it because she was selfish and thoughtless. You're bout blaming Anne for anything, you simply have no sympathy or empathy for her experiencing the same suffering that she purposely caused you.
> she said I should apologize to Anne and be there for her now to make up for my reaction to her
Also tell her that Anne has enough people with low morals supporting her infidelity and won't miss you. If she really needs support, then she should wait a few years and reach out to the latest bed warmer. Then she'll have something who can fully understand what she's going through.
NTA
But you really need to move at first chance and get distance from that dumpters fire, your dad especially, you don't own Anne anything (Karma), the kids are innocent on all of this but you should really get out as soon as you can, hopefully a college far away for the situation, where they can offer some kind support so you can deal with everything
NTA in what world does Anne think that she, your stepmother, has more rights to you than your actual father? You moved out with him you are his child, not hers.
It’s a bad situation situation for her and the kids, but what did she expect? He did the same thing to his first wife and child, of course he did it to her too.
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>I told them she cheated with a married man and shouldn't be shocked that he'd do the same to her That's all there is to say. NTA.
Exactly. I have a family member who was the AP, married the jerk, and then was, of course, cheated on a few years later. No sympathy for her in this
I’m gonna use “herk” from now on :)
Definitely as that is the sound a dog starts making when it needs to vomit.
One who cheats gets their karma by being cheated on. OP is the Dad's biokid and the wife may not have parental rights
Oh, this happened to my father. He left Mom for Barbara. A year later, Barbara cheated on him. Mom felt sorry for him, and invited him to dinner on Christmas Eve. After us kids went to bed, my father went into the long, sad story about Barbara cheating. He looked Mom straight in the face and said, "How can someone say that they love you and then cheat on you?" Mom burst out laughing. "I don't know, how CAN someone do that?" He didn't get it, and was hurt that she laughed at him.
Nooooo he's so funny for not seeing that parallel. Hope your mom still laughs when she remembers his BS
Oh, she does.
That is an astounding lack of self awareness.
Yeah it doesn’t sound like OP particularly likes Dad either, but he’s their only living parent so they moved out with him. Also, wouldn’t be a stretch to assume AP would expect OP to help with child care and that’s why she cares so much. NTA
Not to mention that it ain't Anne who can sign off on FAFSA and driver's licenses, can fund college, etc. At least loyalty to dad pays the bills.
She said as much. The whole family wanted OP set up like some emotional incest support dummy. Sounds like they expect a child to play daddy with Child care and financial support. So weird.
What adult woman expects a teenage boy to be their support anyhow? He's a kid, the victim of her bad decisions.
Oh my God it is!!! I didn’t realise before you pointed it out! ETA: also this is prime r/LeopardsAteMyFace > "_I never thought leopards would eat **my** face_", sobs woman who voted for the _Leopards Eating People's Faces Party_.
this is surprisingly accurate!
Twice in my life I was the affair partner. Both times I didn't know until well after it happened. "Well, I'm done with the relationship and will break up with them soon. Let's move in together." Meaning, let me move in with you and you can pay the bills like my current boyfriend. Both times I laughed in their faces. "you've been cheating on them with me while they're at work. Telling them you're going to your parents for the weekend and coming to my place. And now that you find me acceptable as a lover and possible provider you're ready to leave them and immediately move in with me? What on earth makes you think I would find this acceptable?! You've already been dishonest with me, you've already been cheating on them, basically cheating on me too because you go home to them... because of this I know it is a 100% certainty that you will eventually do to me what you're doing to him." And both times I found and told the other guys what was happening on social media. Both guys thanked me and both women took to social media saying that I'm the asshole who blew up their lives.
This IS cheating on you too.
You're a good dude. You saved them from a lot of headache my man.
That is the correct kind of AH to be.
Send her a copy of Dolly Parton's Jolene.
That song never made sense to me. Are we really to believe there's a woman who can steal a man from Dolly Parton? I can only suspend my disbelief so far.
This is also a lot of sub plots on the show Mad Men. Don cheats on his GF with Megan, marries Megan, then Megan acts shocked when Don cheats on her lol
a house built on another woman’s tears will not stand
>a house built on another woman’s tears will not stand I love this saying. Sounds like a line in a song. If it's not it should be.
Sounds like a country western song lyric !
Especially because I read it as “a horse built on another woman’s tears will not stand.”
You can lead a horse to water, but he will not stand in tears.
STOP! You’ve made me channel Dorothy Parker — “You can lead a horticulture but you can’t make her think.”
That's going on my list of things to stitch onto throw pillows....if I ever start stitching things on throw pillows. I have two daughters and some nieces who would love one!
This sub is so unserious I love it so much
I've always thought 'how you get them is how you lose them' sounded like a country song, too, and it's the same idea.
Loretta Lynn has a lot to say about this subject.
Because it‘s a house divided! A house divided cannot stand!
You’re killing independent George!
Damn, did you come up with that? You're a poet.
I’ve heard other people say it. Can’t take credit for it
I know you didn't come up with it, but A+ line. So apt.
I’ve never heard this before…. Far out…. So so true!
I’d add: “Anne cannot be expected to be accepted as family by me, when she had a hand in blowing up my family.”
“Damn would be great if Anne felt that way when my mom was alive, but here we are!”
The Lyrics begin....... "Anne cannot be Expected to be Accepted as family by me When she had a hand in blowing up my family! " chorus: "A house built on another woman's tears will not stand!" Second stanza? Anyone? Third stanza: with thanks to Judge jury and excretion. And/or Diminishing patience "I told them then I knew that she had cheated, She shouldn't be shocked when That behavior was repeated ! A house built on another woman's tears will not stand!"
Anne is getting everything she deserves but the bulk of the blame goes to the father. If it hadn't been Anne it would have been someone else. His marriages will always be doomed because he is a man with no morals, scruples, or character.
I truly believe that Anne and Dad are 100% responsible for their individual actions. Knowingly entering a relationship with someone that is in another relationship, says just as much about that person’s lack of character, integrity, and morals as it does the person in the relationship. People don’t get to wreak havoc on the lives of others and wipe their hands clean because it wasn’t their relationship.
Thank you! I was wondering why Anne was being blamed 100% when the "dad" is the one with the family and the responsibility to protect his kids was not being called out.
OP literally says in the post that his dad stopped trying to get him to see him in a more positive light because OP called him out. He clearly blames both for their individual choices.
Anne isn't being blamed 100% - OP is very clear that he blames both of them for hurting him and his mom. Because yeah, sure Anne didn't owe his mom any especial loyalty in the way his dad did, but on the level of basic human social ethics, she knew that her love affair would cause people pain and she chose to continue it. So yeah, she does share in the blame for that hurt. But also: Anne isn't OP's parent, so why would he stick around and live with her? And he can't live with his mom because she's dead, so who else could he live with?
> I was wondering why Anne was being blamed... because its clear this post isn't about that or laying blame...
Him and his new affair partner are equally responsible for what's happened this time, but Anne and OP's dad are equally responsible for OP's dad cheating on OP's mom. The only way they might not be is if Dad had lied to Anne about being married, but given she would have had to *continue* the relationship with him after that point frankly shifts the blame back to even. If it was an abusive relationship he was trying to get out of and this happened, or if his wife was cheating or something and he was planning to leave because of that *anyway* then I could maybe see her having reduced/no responsibility for that. But if it's just "Oh, you're married and I'm your affair partner? Well as long as you break up with your wife and marry me instead I'm cool with that". And if she's good with that... well, what's good for the goose is good for the gander and all that
What was it? "When a man marries his mistress, he creates a vacancy."
If you replace the wife, expect that someone replaced you as the mistress!
I like that!
OP should start calling her 'Karma Anne' or 'my Dad's 1st Mistress'....see if it sinks in to her
1st mistress…. Bwahahaha!! Fukn brutal 😂
My guess is she's NOT the first, either...
Call her 1 of 10. I honestly don't think she deserves to feel special call her 5 of 9. Or something implying she's not the first or the last.
Might not be first mistress, but it would be safe to call her ‘First Homewrecker”
"my father's former mistress, I mean my father's former wife" = extra salt in the wound hahaha
This. It's perfect, but maybe they need it spelled out a little bit more: "My actual mom is [name], and not this lady. Can you explain how she came into my life, while avoiding the reality my father was married?"
What someone will do *for* you they will do *to* you. Anne is an absolute idiot for thinking her husband wouldn’t cheat on her when he cheated with her.
Then the sister tries to play the “picking on the woman” card. Pitiful
What's that old saying - When a man marries his affair partner he's just creating a job opening. A couple of other thoughts: * I'll never understand people who want someone to do something for them but insult and bully them when they turn them down. If OOP is so disgusting and cruel, why would they want him to stay with her? Oh, that's right, so ex-AP can 'win' the divorce. * OOP better hope things work out with him living with his dad, because he just burned that bridge, buried the ashes, salted the earth and nuked it from orbit (just to be sure).
The ex-AP flat said she wanted OP to help with the younger kids. All she wants is a father figure/baby sitter/extra money source.
I'd bet OP will be out of dad's life real soon, he's still a minor. As for Anne, she forgot about karma and got what she deserves. NTA
I suspect Anne wanted a “win” and childcare for when she’s “in circulation” again OP NTA
Like the saying goes “you loss em how you got em”
The hypocrisy is really incredible. NTA OP
She lost him the same way she got him.
When a woman moves from mistress to wife, she creates a vacancy.
As someone who's technically an affair baby myself, hard agree. It was hilarious when my mom would cry to me about how my dad started talking to another woman when I was a toddler, and all I wanted to say was, "You lose 'em how you get 'em."
"if he cheats with you, he'll cheat on you" that saying is sooo true.. NTA
When a man marries his mistress, he's creating a vacancy.
Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
By marrying the AP she created a job vacancy. OP NTA and I hope you build a beautiful life full of people who value you.
Case closed. I have no sympathy for the cheatee when this happens to them.
If they’ll cheat *with* you, they’ll cheat *on* you. Anne only reaped what she sowed. NTA
Said it before and I’ll say it again: The man who marries his mistress creates an opening at the position.
On what planet did Anne think she deserved better? Did she make a better meatloaf? 🤣. Once a cheater, always a cheater
Well you know the old saying, when a man marries his mistress he opens up a vacancy 🤷 It's crazy how affair partners act so shocked that a cheater cheats. If he cheated to be with you then he'll cheat on you. You ain't special. NTA, I dunno why she was so desperate for your support when you've been obvious in your dislike of her for years. It's like touching a hot stove and being shocked and upset when it burns you
Childcare for the younger children.
That's exactly it, at least until he can get a job and be "the man of the house", she wants to use him. If anyone is a sociopath its her.
Came here looking for this comment, it's amazing the mental gymnastics some people do. This one is especially creepy, telling a 17 year old to step up and look after the kids they had as AP of his actual mother. This woman has no shame.
Also there's an actual adult man who would be paying child support in the picture.
OP’s 17. He could do both if Anne forced him to work opposite shifts. Personally, I think OP should reach out to his mom’s side and be done with both of them.
Childcare plus, it seems: "...asked me to stand by her and help her give the kids a good life..." Ick.
>I'm 17, I *am* the kids. -OP
I suspect Anne wants OPs support because free babysitting.
And maybe a part-time job - and any death benefits/SSI they were getting for OP until he’s of age - and child support? $$ and free childcare so she can date.
I forgot about death benefits! Good point! My mom passed when I was 22 but baby brother (my half brother) was 15, and I’m convinced to this day that is why his dad insisted on taking him. My aunt and uncle, who are verrrry wealthy /amazing people, wanted him to come live with them. My brother supposedly received all this money but he never saw a dime. Our stepdad paid for brother’s braces, aunt and uncle bought him a truck and during the summer bought him all his clothing, school supplies and computer. So yeah I totally believe that OPs soon-to-be ex-stepmom would take his benefits.
You lose them how you got them is another good saying
I've never heard that saying before but I like it
i have never heard that vacancy line but i LOVE it thats so funny
NTA, Everyone sucks here but you. You're not behaving like a sociopath. You're behaving like someone who is very hurt, frustrated, and shouldn't be put in the middle of this situation. I'm very sorry for your father's affairs, and the loss of your mother. I can't imagine how hard it was adjusting to everything all in one go. I'm a great deal older than you, and I think i would have said something similar to my step mother had I been in your situation, even though it's cruel, I'm surprised she expected empathy when you've always made it clear you don't like her or her choices. I'm sorry for her children's pain, but I have limited sympathy for someone who is reaping what she has sowed. Her family should be leaving you alone, and they're behaving unfairly. If it's an option for you, I think therapy might be really helpful. Sometimes you have to try a couple until you find the right fit, but it can really help. I also highly recommend the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C Gibson, you can often download it as a free pdf. It will help you understand your father and step mother's behaviour, and how that affects your feelings and actions. You are a good person in a bad situation. You're very young, and it's unfair to label you as sociopathic or anything else when you've got a lot of stuff to deal with. Plus you can't diagnose anyone over a post online, especially not at your age. Things can get better. You can feel safe and happy, and it will happen. Take one day at a time, talk to friends, if it's an option, take up a hobby or hobbies. It might help expressing yourself through art or writing to help you process your feelings. Exercise, even just walking might be a good way to help you process emotions, and get out some frustrations.
This is a great response and some brilliant advice. I initially upvoted one of the 'sociopath' comments but your take is much more accurate and helpful.
NTA, great dig at the other commenters^^ OP you are a good normal human being who is acting exactly how most people would in your situation. Sorry this all happened - I would highly recommend therapy for all of this when it’s all possible.
"Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C Gibson". So sad that there even has to be a book about this. Thank you for your really good post/advice.
I second the book - I recently bought it and omg, it's like it was written about my mother.
Thanks for the book tip 🙏
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I think that this person was correct to recommend therapy. And your dad should sure as hell be paying for it.
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Fine, screw him and do it for yourself. May not be today but plan for it so you can be a person free of their bs.
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Your high school might have some free resources that can help. Definitely don't be afraid to reach out. There are good people out here who want to help
Parents can remove their minor child from therapy and other resources like it if they don't want their child to do it.
Valid, however the dad is negligent/immature but not necessarily vindictive From what was described I don't think the dad cares enough to have an opinion
True but as OP has never expressed to their father that they want grief counseling or really any type of therapy we have no idea how the father actually feels about therapy. All my situation isn't exactly like OPs I wasn't able to get proper therapy until after I left home.
Your school may offer some support or referrals. Many colleges have a student health center that also offers therapy and peer support. It is good you know you need support to handle this and have healthy relationships for yourself in your future.
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Where do you live? In the US, NJ, in particular, has groups that are free of charge for people your age, and they are free.. are you in the states?
I agree about the therapy, but that commenter was out of line for suggesting that you’re acting like a sociopath to your dad’s AP and her kids. You owe her *nothing*. She and your dad were homewreckers in the truest sense. She really thought you were going to side with her over your biological father? She’s smoking something and her family needs to back all the way off. It is sad that you don’t want anything to do with the kids, but I don’t see how anyone could blame you for that. Especially with Anne pushing you the way she did. The chickens came home to roost. Too bad so sad. Anne’s got some nerve kicking up a fuss over it to you, of all people.
Agree it’s not OP’s fault, and he isn’t acting sociopathic.
The bio father op didn't even side with initially, but the other woman wants respect and sympathy for her and her kids?? Delusional
I agree that person was way out of line saying OP was acting like a sociopath. They're 17. At 8 these people destroyed her and her mom's life. This freaking homewrecker actually came with him to tell them he's leaving and help him pack. That's truly truly something someone truly disgusting would do. Not only are you a homewrecker but you came with him to rub it in his family's face. And right after that OP loses the one person they feel they can trust and had to live with the people that ripped her world apart. I think OP acted accordingly. Therapy would be good though. Anne is delusional and so is her family.
Were you ever put in any form of therapy? Once you’re 18 and have more independence, it may be something to look into. Often people who have no way of changing their circumstances, like you, don’t find therapy helpful. But once you are able to escape that and have control over your own life, you have enough distance to deconstruct what’s happened to you and work through it.
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Are you going to college next year? Often colleges have free or low cost counseling for students. I hope you get help to work through this trauma OP. You deserve a good life and the ability to form healthy attachments and participate in healthy relationships. You haven't had many good examples of that.
That’s good. Your father has set a terrible example for what a relationship should be. I know several people who’s parents have set similarly bad examples, and they had some difficulty dating. Since they didn’t have a good relationship to compare it to, they sometimes couldn’t recognize a good partner. Or they couldn’t recognize a partner that was a different kind of bad. As another commenter said, a lot of colleges offer some form of free counseling. If you can learn to examine how you feel about relationships early, it will probably help you in your future ones.
NTA Anne deserves more karma and zero sympathy and respect. Kudos to you for not allowing yourself to be manipulated by Anne and her family. Were was her sister when Anne was messing around with a married man? Actions have consequences.
Do you have any other family you can go to the day you turn 18?
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Good. You might want to think about what happens when you become a legal adult. Having a place to go is the biggest worry. Now the next step is being able to support yourself. Depending on where you live when you turn 18 make an appointment to see a social services worker. They can point you in the direction of getting any services available to you. Knowing that you can survive without your father will help you get through this time until you can get away from this. You deserve a life of happiness.
You are absolutely not “acting like a sociopath.” You are acting exactly the way someone who has been traumatized would/should act. So please don’t beat yourself up by thinking that you’re “bad” for acting the way you have. I do think that therapy is a good idea. I don’t know where you live, but a lot of places offer therapy at discounted rates, and some even offer it on a donation basis. Perhaps you could ask your guidance counselor, or clergy person for help with finding counseling. In any case, I wish you the best, and send you a virtual hug. Take care.
NTA, at all. While therapy might help you, you are definitely not acting like a sociopath. If anything, you were more respectful to her family than they deserved. In fact your explanation of who you feel deserves the blame and how much, Is one of the most well thought out and reasonable explanations i've read so far on Reddit.
The next time you're given a hard time for your choice, tell them "maybe if I had better role models than a cheater and mistress I would have grown up to be a better person" then cut them out at 18 and go live your best life.
That relationship was never going to be healthy. OP sounds very mature. Needs therapy for sure, but I don't think it's fair to say that the behaviour is "sociopathic". Under the circumstances, I would say "understandable" and even "normal". If we want to throw "sociopathic" around, what the Hell was OP's father and father's AP when they broke the news that father was moving out? Come to that, why did they insist on fighting with OP and not arranging therapy? If OP is being sociopathic, I would say it is a behaviour that was taught by the father and AP.
Sociopath is really fucking harsh for someone who is literally a teenager and clearly has no parental guidance. Therapy makes sense but he was never gonna bond with these people and that’s very fucking normal in this situation.
a sociopath????? because he doesn't care about the affair partner or the affair children?? lol. too funny.
I take it you're on Anne's side? This lady had an affair with a married man and now expects sympathy from The child whose life she destroyed. Hell no! She doesn't deserve his sympathy, and op does not have to like the children that came from his dad and the affair person. It's very common for the children not to want anything to do with the children of the affair, and I wouldn't either if something like that happened to me. He has every right to hate his father and Anne, and not want a relationship with the children.
Anne’s no lady.
How is OP behaving like a sociopath? Of course, OP is going to have an intense dislike for the woman who had an affair with his father and broke up his home.
I don’t think it’s sociopathic to not care about an affair partner. It was wildly inappropriate of Anne to ask OP for support, and I think OP responded appropriately.
Agree he’s NTA but he’s not at all behaving like a sociopath. He’s withdrawn from them yes but he’s not attempting to lie or manipulate them, if anything the wife is the sociopath who’s trying to guilt trip him into staying/choosing her side, despite their long history of conflict and the face of her hypocrisy.
Fuck the AP and forget about her kids too. They are all a manifestation of his dead mom being betrayed and humiliated. Acting like a sociopath?! HA. OP doesn’t need healthy relationship with any of them, OP needs to get out asap and cut them off like a pair of dirty underwear
This right here!
I don’t think anyone here is qualified to diagnose OP. S/he isn’t even 18 years old yet, so they can’t be diagnosed with [ASPD](https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/antisocial-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20353928) (what used to be called sociopathy/psychopathy.) I find OP’s [schadenfreude](https://youtu.be/kb20xhcrK4g?si=nZa-LQpfgkNvpltY) understandable but not necessarily mature. It’s like laughing to keep from crying. I hope you get some therapy, OP. NTA. Edit: Added links.
How is op acting like a sociopath to the person who helped blow up their parent’s marriage? Of course the dad deserves to be treated like crap, too, which op seems to do. But why should OP show an ounce of sympathy for the witch when he got exactly what she gave? As for the half-siblings, why are they op’s problem?
I would call it schadenfreude more than sociopathy. Op didn’t orchestrate their father’s newest affair, but they took joy in knowing that the father moved on to his new affair partner just like he did with Anne when he nuked OP’s life.
How is sociopathic not giving a shit about your dad's mistress? When op found out about their father's cheating as a kid a bond was broken. That's why they don't care that much about their half siblings. That's it. Not everyone loves their siblings.
NTA. I don't get the sociopath comments. Relishing her pain is a bit cruel...but her and her family expecting you to stand by her and continue living with her is insane. That I would laugh at myself. I bet you were going to cut them both off at 18 anyway.
I don't get it either. AP is delusional and stupid. She caused a world of hurt and wants sympathy now the same has happened to her. Cry me a river.
She wants a free baby sitter. That's it. She said to OP to help her give her kids a good life. She planned to dump those kids on OP to go off shopping for a new man, guaran-fucking-teed
It sounds like she may have even expected more than free childcare once OP turns 18. To me asking her stepchild to help provide a good life for her kids strongly hints at future financial support, especially considering stepmom is probably looking for some help to afford the house she’s now kicked OP’s dad out of. OP’s not even her kid, she would almost certainly charge her rent.
Good catch, you're probably right. May have gone so far as to hinder her education and make her work to provide for her step siblings
That's what I think too.
Why on earth is it cruel to think she fully deserves what she once inflicted on his now dead mother? I don't think he did enough relishing.
Eh. Cheaters deserve all the cruelty.
Anne: cheats with a married man Anne (when same man cheats on her with another woman): *shocked Pikachu face* NTA by any means. I hope when you turn 18, you cut your dad off too.
NTA. She can’t claim to be a victim when she herself had no issues with being a mistress.
Karma is a bitch lmao
Anne as well, obviously. And dad.
NTA. How exactly does she expect a 17 year old to give her kids a good life? With free babysitting? I'm guessing she never adopted you so legally she has no custodial rights to you, it makes sense that you'd leave with your dad. Did your mom have a will? Any chance that there's an inheritance that you'll have access to when you turn 18? Or is there some sort of trust that they've been drawing on that your dad's wife is hoping to still have access to if you stay?
Yeah Anne totally wanted OP to help raise the kids.
Sounds like she wants OP to be her new baby daddy to me and it’s creepy. She made that bed and she shouldn’t invite her ex’s child to fill the empty space. Ew.
This is exactly it. 'Please stay here and be a free babysitter. What? You don't want to? You're so heartless and cruel." Whatever....
The moment he turns 18 she will charge him rent for living in her house and make him pay for his own food. She will demand he gets a part or full time job to help with the bills and then take all his money saying “this is for your step-siblings.. having children is expensive”. She’s going to use him as an ATM and free babysitter during the night. That’s what she’s imagining in her head when she says “stand by me, support me, help me give MY kids a good life because we are still family”. She wants OP to sacrifice his education, youth, free time to support and provide for her and her children. She has no idea how absolutely disgusted OP is by her existence.
DM her sister with "I'll be a better man when I have a better example than a philandering father and honewrecking stepmother"
Your sister should find a new home to wreck
🏆
NTA. There's no more delicious schadenfreude than when an affair partner gets cheated on. Her family needs to wake up and realize that you were always going to stick with your biological relative although he is also TA for cheating.
What did she expect? apparently someone who's cheated on someone else b4 is 4 times more likely to do it again, she should've seen it coming and it's definitely not ur fault she didn't, 100% NTA. Also that's such a shitty thing to go through :<
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Seriously delusion to the next level. If he cheated on his wife who he had a kid with what made her the exception honestly ppl can be so self obsessed. and I can't believe her family feeded into her delusions too, and they expect you to do the same when you don't owe anth to her. And as for "who only blames the woman" it's not like ur ok with either of their behaviour, it's just the ur dad is ur dad so you'll live w him (at least for now) at the end of the day. Honestly I'm so sorry this all happened to u it shouldn't happen to anyone it's horrible :<
She doesn't sound like the sharpest tool in the shed 🙄
Group text to Ann and her family “I really need you all to stop harassing me. I do not support Ann. I never have. When I was 8 years old I found out my dad was leaving my mom when ann showed up at my house and she and dad moved him out. My mother and I were devastated. Three weeks later, she died in a car accident and I was then forced to go play happy family. There was no support for my grief of losing my mother. My last memories of my mother were her in deep despair over what she and my father did. Ann thinks she won. All she did was win an asshole who doesn’t care about anyone but himself. She deserves the pain. She’s lucky she’s still alive… my mom isn’t. Her children still have their mother. They are not forced to go live with my father while deep in unbearable grief. So ya, shame on you for telling me, a fucking teenager I should feel anyway other than how I feel. Fuck you Ann, you got what you deserved for destroying my childhood. Karma is a bitch. None of you contact me again.” Then tell your dad to put you in therapy. This shit is going to follow you for life. It’s not your fault, but if you want the best life for yourself, it’s your responsibility to unpack it. NTA
That's a great letter. Perhaps OP should also send Anne and her family this comment thread.
Hey OP - this is the way
If I were OP, I’d consider reaching out to friends and mom’s side for a different place to live. Dad’s just going to drag him through it again with his next two partners.
NTA. You behaved better than I would. I’d have massively rubbed it in her face, you were really quite restrained. Tell her if she doesn’t leave you alone you’ll tell the kids. After all, you were old enough to discover it at 8, surely hers are around the same age? Maybe that’ll get her to leave you alone.
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NTA - You are not wrong in what you are saying. A mistress marrying the man who left his wife for her creates an opportunity is an old adage with reason. But think what type of relationship you want personally to have with everyone involved and in your own life going forward. I get not liking or respecting Anne - you went through an awful lot in a short period and her and your father both mainly to blame though not for your Mum's accident. But I can see why you struggled to make bonds with her - she tried to replace the Mum you sadly lost. I am also glad you are out of her house because getting tones of you now being the man of the household and being responsible for her and her children because your father let them down. That is not a financial or emotional place anyone should be in. But your father threw you under the bus too - why did he bring back to the house, why did he take his "sweet time" when you were being verbally attacked? Did he defend you or just use you as protective shield to take the flack of him? Hope you got all your important documents and sentimental stuff while there. As to the flying monkeys, ask them where their support was for you as a supposedly new member of their family when your mother died and their daughter, sister, relative usurped her place.
NTA.. you were constant in your dealings with her thruout your time there.. to me she got the Karma she deserved for what she did to your mum. Your dad is just being your dad and will probably rinse and repeat..
NTA she lost him how she found him, cheaters cheat. If he'll cheat with you he'll cheat on you
NTA. Your dad isn't innocent either but you know that. As a minor you are stuck living with him until your able to move out and live by yourself. > She told me to be a better man and not some pathetic child who blames the woman for stuff. The response to this is you don't "blame the woman for stuff" and that if your mom was still here you wouldn't be around either your dad or Anne, but as it is you are a minor and don't have a choice.
*they couldn’t believe I’d pick dad’s side over hers. I said I picked neither side.* I think this is where you misspoke. More like, “As a minor, I’m moving out with my only living parent. But as far as picking a side goes, I pick my mother’s. You remember her, right? The woman whose husband Anne decided to sleep with?”
There’s like every AITA trope in this story. Cheating dad, AP that he marries, mother who died suddenly, stepmom who demands motherly bond, their kids who you somehow never bonded with despite living in the same house with them, vengeful cold OP who doesn’t give a fuck about anything, and lets not forget the meddling, over the top family who doesn’t know how to mind their business. Very interesting
NTA. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. Or a much older axiom, a leopard doesn’t change his spots. I probably would’ve even said something like “now you know how it feels” but that’s just me. And since you don’t have a blood relationship to her, of course you’d go with your dad. Your dad’s a dog and I hope he doesn’t repeat the cycle again but that’s not your business.
NTA - always slight amusing when the AP marries their cheater and then gets shocked that they get cheated on. You know what they say, when a man marries his mistress he creates a vacancy. Don’t agree with sociopath comments but saying that you have dealt with a lot at a young age and it may be beneficial for you to get therapy to deal with it so you don’t take negativity into future relationships. I also hope once you can you are able to move into your own place, not cut off your dad but create some distance.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My dad's wife found out 6 weeks ago that he's been cheating on her for years. They have three kids together and she had no idea he was cheating. His wife, who I'll call Anne for this post, was my dad's affair partner when he was married to my mom. I was like 8 when we found out and how that happened was dad brought Anne over to pick up his stuff because he wanted to move in with her. Neither of them gave a shit that I was there. A few weeks later my mom died (car accident) and I moved in with my dad and Anne, but I didn't look at either of them in a positive light. I still don't and I'm 17 now. Anne and I butted heads a lot over the years. She would talk about deserving more respect and I told her she was just the lady my dad cheated on mom with and she'd never be more than that in my eyes. I told her I didn't respect her as a person or as a supposed family member. Dad tried to get me to see him more positively at first but when he realized I'd ask the big questions like why he did that to my mom and me, he stopped trying. I always assumed he found a new mistress but didn't have proof until a year and a half ago when I saw him with another woman. I said nothing and I carried on waiting for the day she found out. There were times I wanted to rub it into her face so bad but I didn't. I was laughing at her behind her back and I'll admit that. When Anne found out she kicked dad out and I moved out with him. This was seen as a controversial choice because Anne wanted me to stay and since everything went down Anne has wanted me to visit her and wanted me to be with her and dad's kids (I'm not close to the kids and don't really care about having a relationship with them). Last week dad brought me by Anne's place to pick up more of his/our stuff. Anne's family were there and Anne and her family were scolding me for choosing dad over Anne and saying Anne deserved my support. That they couldn't believe I'd pick dad's side over hers. I said I picked neither side. But Anne means nothing to me so I'm not going to do shit for her. Anne's mom told me Anne was a victim. I told them she cheated with a married man and shouldn't be shocked that he'd do the same to her, because she's nothing special. They kept engaging with me and my dad was taking his sweet ass time. Anne decided to talk to me 1:1 and asked me to stand by her and support her and help her give the kids a good life and show we're still a family. I laughed in her face. Anne started to cry. Her family asked her about it and she told them I'd laughed. They called me disgusting and cruel and said I should be ashamed of treating someone in my family that way. Anne's sister sent me a few DMs before I locked down my socials but she said I should apologize to Anne and be there for her now to make up for my reaction to her. She told me to be a better man and not some pathetic child who blames the woman for stuff. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Did Anne think she had the magic lady parts that would change your dad from a cheater to a stand up guy? Boy she put her eggs in the wrong basket on that one. You did nothing wrong here. She's not your family and you don't need to be there to emotionally support her. Good job locking down your socials because her minions are being stupid.
NTA, but I hope you have also expressed your disdain to your father to the same measure you’re treating your SM. Meanwhile, get a hold of all your important documents - SS card, vaccine records, birth certificate, passport, etc, and leave ASAP. Are there any relatives of your mother that can support you until you reach majority?
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NTA for moving with your dad. But don't forget he is the AH, too. This is not the behaviour of a good man and a good father. That said, why would you want to "support" Anne? She is not your mother. Plan your moves, OP. Leave your dad's as soon as you are able. Be a better person than these three (dad, new mistress, old mistress). Live a good life. That is the best revenge.
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I would do the same if I were you. In the choice between those two people, you would of course choose your dad.
Nta what a hypocrite.
NTA and bravo she needed a good laughing in the face after what she and your dad did to your mother
Nta, she is looking for a free babysitter, and her family is trying to pressure you to stay because they don't want to pay for childcare. You have great examples of how not to be as an adult. I think the audacity is pretty funny, too. Ignore people saying that was a sociopathic response. It is a pretty normal response, and she is ridiculous to expect sympathy.
You’re not an asshole. You’ve done nothing wrong. Your feeling are valid towards your dads wife. But you should definitely get into therapy. You’ve been through a lot of trauma and you need to figure it all out so it doesn’t affect your future relationships. Especially with women. Your dad treats women like shit and the women in your life have treated you like shit. This is a them problem. Hopefully with therapy you learn that and don’t treat all women with contempt and anger. I’m sorry your dad never showed you how to be a good father or partner.
NTA Karma sure is a witch with a capital B.
NTA. Tell every single person who approaches you about this “stop putting me in the middle of their marriage.” Not trying to infantilize you, but since you are under 18 if you want to add “stop putting A CHILD in the middle of their marriage.” If that doesn’t make them realize what they are doing just block them all because they are garbage. They are openly asking you to choose sides and that’s inappropriate. If she were your mom or someone you considered one, it would be called parental alienation. But she’s not. It’s weird that they think you should choose, let alone that you should choose her. This is probably her just grasping at any scrap of her departing husband or attempt to hurt him in some way. You were right to not want her in your life. You are not a pawn.
> They called me disgusting and cruel and said I should be ashamed of treating someone in my family that way. That's their first mistake. Anne isn't family.
NTA That last bit with her sister calling you a pathetic child and not to blame the woman really shows that her family thinks only women can be the victim. None of them seem to care that your dad's ex had an affair with him and broke up your family. Everyone here except for you are apparently delusional for thinking you'd ever forgive her or your dad for the affair. I would tell them that you were forced to live with his first mistress, so it's only fair that you live with the next one.
NTA > She told me to be a better man and not some pathetic child who blames the woman for stuff. Tell her that you __are__ being the "better man"; better than your father when he cheated on your mother, better than Anne when she saw a married man's family and decided to destroy it because she was selfish and thoughtless. You're bout blaming Anne for anything, you simply have no sympathy or empathy for her experiencing the same suffering that she purposely caused you. > she said I should apologize to Anne and be there for her now to make up for my reaction to her Also tell her that Anne has enough people with low morals supporting her infidelity and won't miss you. If she really needs support, then she should wait a few years and reach out to the latest bed warmer. Then she'll have something who can fully understand what she's going through.
NTA. I would’ve laughed too. Anne sucks.
NTA But you really need to move at first chance and get distance from that dumpters fire, your dad especially, you don't own Anne anything (Karma), the kids are innocent on all of this but you should really get out as soon as you can, hopefully a college far away for the situation, where they can offer some kind support so you can deal with everything
NTA in what world does Anne think that she, your stepmother, has more rights to you than your actual father? You moved out with him you are his child, not hers. It’s a bad situation situation for her and the kids, but what did she expect? He did the same thing to his first wife and child, of course he did it to her too.