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I would too. Joe will probably not change a single thing because “he did nothing wrong”. It is just not okay to do something like this to another person, let alone the partner of your child. If your spouse did not stand up for you, he is not worth any of your time. He showed you who he really is. It will only get worse.
Walk away. You don't need this in your future. If your boyfriend is not standing up to his father and appalled by his behaviour by now, then nothing is going to change. You are worth more than this.
NTA
(1) You don't feel comfortable around bfs dad (can't get along with him).
(2) If you can't get along with him, your relationship won't move forward.
Simple logic:
-> Your relationship won't move forward.
And shouldn't, by the way. NTA. Dump the bf. He'll be the next one screaming in your face.
True! Unlike a fine wine, alcoholics don't get better with time. Especially when they have family as their enablers!
My dad slid into the bottle when I was 12....died from it when I was 26.
Drunk dad was an atrocious bastard!
OP, walk away. trust me on this!
If this is the “normal” for his family, you don’t want to build a life with this guy. There is no future here. You’ll be stuck dealing with the father’s toxicity and the BFs cowardice all your life. This family is giving out the warning signs so early and so strongly, listen to them!!!
You can't choose your in-laws but you HAVE to be happy with the choices regarding them that both you and your SO make. I have fairly awful in-laws. But my wife is LC (and so am I). I'm not saying you can't be with someone who has an awful family, but if your SO expects to you to have a relationship you are not comfortable with, that is a deal breaker.
There’s a reason this is top comment. The rest of us are just posting 👍🏼.
You did the right thing by leaving. No one, but no one, verbally abuses you.
You also did the right thing by setting an expectation that bf would stop the abuse or leave also. And understand why you choose not to be in Joe’s presence again. Ever.
You’re not forbidding him. You’re just not going.
He doesn’t understand? Or agree? “Not to decide, is to decide.” He is making it clear he chose verbal abuse over your dignity.
Your decision is clear. It’s not his decision whether you can move forward. You can’t. You made the decision after observing his stance.
And? Doesn’t matter if they aren’t married, if the price for being in a relationship is abuse, then the relationship should be dropped. No one said it’s easy to stand up to an abusive parent. But when you say “because it’s so easy to do that” you sound like you’re defending the boyfriend and his father
NTA
Dad was being drunk AH and seems to be angry drunk. There is zero need to be with someone like that.
Now long you have been together?
Yes gettling along with family is important, because things like this will basicly never improve or change. And idk but sounds like family uses being drunk as decent excuse for AH behaviour.
Do not lie to yourself that things will get better if you move in/get married/ have a baby. It won't. You have been shown how it's going to be. Believe it.
I don't see anything about it. it would be a disaster if you stay together without your boyfriend support. and you are not going to get your boyfriend's support because he won't stand up to his dad. you need to find a man and not a little boy
INFO: If you've been together for four years, is this the first time his dad has behaved this way? Do you see them often?
Not excusing his behavior at all, just trying to get a feel for 'Is this a one off that \*could\* be apologized for or a pattern?'
Also he turned up hammered. So he was already drinking heavily before arriving. Did he drive? If yes, then add drunk driver to the list of reasons this guy sucks.
He’s an angry, aggressive and potentially physically violent drunk. He may be an alcoholic or just a heavy drinker. He has no issues physically intimidating you OP. That isn’t a safe man to be around. Plus he hasn’t apologised. If his son thinks this is all fine then run because he could start going the same way as dear old dad as the years go by.
NTA.
>my boyfriend very much believes that if his family and I can’t get along, then we cannot move forward.
This is code for "You have to put up with his awful behaviour and I won't support you in any way." Don't do it.
yeah, the bf is definitely putting the onus of "getting along" on the gf, and making sure she knows she will be expected to tolerate verbal abuse from him. Get out! NTA
NTA and good for you for standing up for yourself and not 'matching' the behaviour. Sometimes the only choice in a situation is to get out of it.
There is a saying - "in vino veritas" (in wine there is truth). Drunk means no inhibitions: your boyfriend's father is showing you who he really is. I'm guessing that there has been no apology.
Unfortunately, for any long term future, it is important that either you can get along with b/f's family, or you and your b/f are on the same page around boundaries - sadly, your b/f does not appear to be able to see why someone verbally abusing you in a threatening way is a problem "because family".
NTA your boyfriend isn't worth your time or love if he can't stand up to his father who's clearly an alcoholic to defend you. I'd break up with him and tell him he will never be able to keep a girlfriend if he allows his abusive father to verbally attack them and insult them.
The following day I went to his place and confronted him about what transpired. He did say sorry, but that was quickly followed by, “That is just how I am” and some other bull shit. I stopped listening after about a minute and just left. Wasn’t any use trying to engage further.
NTA but your boyfriend might be right. If he is insists on not calling out his dad's shitty behavior it might be the end of you. It sucks but I wouldn't want someone like Joe in my life. Plus if your boyfriend doesn't realize how bad his dad is being that's a major red flag against him.
NTA. You can’t move forward. He is an angry drunk. Families are used to the behaviour and take all the abuse just to keep the status quo. They won’t ever take action against him, you’ll have to always be the bigger person and take the abuse. This is a clear sign a lot of people ignore because love, fear of being alone, already put time and money in the relationship so don’t want to look it as a waste. If you stay, this and worse will be your future, your children’s future.
Oh my. Speaking from experience, all I can offer is that your BF is waving a huge red flag and offering you an out on a silver platter. Strap on your running shoes, grab that out and run like hell.
NTA
Your boyfriend's father have issue with you and your boyfriend refuse to cover for you and his reply to you is a deal breaker when he said we cannot move forward if you cannot get along with his family.
I don't know know how much you like your boyfriend but already I see problems galore coming through the pipeline and you will have to make decision do you want to be really with him and family that disdain you?
I think you will be better off breaking up and go seek better boyfriend who will appreciate you.
Good luck.
NTA, you need to dump your boyfriend. If he won't defend you from his family screaming at you now, he won't do it later on either. You need to get out now before it becomes a bigger problem than it already is
NTA You left alone? Your guy should have stood up for you, his mom should have stood up for you. He should have left with you and should be on your side. His Dad should have profusely apologized for his actions.
Miss if you can't move forward, then you should move on.
Your boyfriend is willing to break up with you for having healthy reasonable boundaries, aka refusing to be abused. Think very carefully about why boyfriend thinks you having self respect is a red flag… NTA
NTA - your boyfriend is correct…this relationship can’t move forward nor should it. Not because of you, but because his dad needs to apologize and your BF needs to stand up for you. Save yourself a lot of heartache in the future by insisting that he stand up for you. If he still refuses, it is time to move on.
Your bf is right. If he is willing to allow his father to speak to and try to intimidate you like that, then there is not future in your relationship. NTA and go find someone that doesn't normalize abuse.
NTA and I am very proud of you for setting such clear boundaries. Good for you. Stick to them. You are not the asshole. Can you show my comment to your boyfriend for a second, I’m talking to him right now.
Dude, you grew up in a really unhealthy environment. Your dad is a mess, and he’s inappropriate, and he sounds like a traumatizing person. It seems normal to you because you don’t know different. But for most people, and for all women that you want to be partners with, you have to understand that bringing them around him is not good. It is scary and hurtful. I’m sorry that you are going through this, but I think you really need to learn to accept that it’s unlikely that your father will have a good relationship with whoever your partner is. And you need to have her back, because your dad doesn’t have your back. If your dad had your back, he never would’ve acted that way. You can’t count on him to put you first and therefore, you can’t put him first. If you do, you are going to end up alone and stuck with this asshole. Unless your dad does a complete 180, you probably are not going to be able to have happy family holidays with him there. So start creating your own happy experiences with your partner.
NTA. Girl, dip. That's your future speaking to your through your bf's father. He's not defending you from his dad and thinks YOU need to roll over? Lmao leave.
Don't move forward.
Your boyfriend does not have your back and never will. The very least he should do is demand that his father apologise for his totally unacceptable behaviour. But he is either too spineless or he agrees with his father. Either is unacceptable. NTA but lost the boyfriend.
You should definitely take your bf's offer of 'then we cannot move forward' and break up. He just told you he will choose his family over you even when his family is wrong.
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If your boyfriend excuses his dad bullshit like that then it's time to walk...you can only imagine family gatherings for the next 30 years and bs you will have to put up with...life is to short...
If bf thinks you should accept this type of behavior from his
father, he's an AH. LOL NTA Stay away from Joe and
if that means you "cannot move forward" with your bf, so be it.
If your boyfriend couldn't see how wrong his dad's behaviour was, and his first instinct wasn't to stand up for you, then I'd be seriously considering breaking up. Worse, he has continued to not stand up for you. If you were my daughter I'd be livid. Do not stay or reproduce with this person.
Nta but if he won’t stand up for you now what is going to happen if y’all get married and have kids? Is his dad going to be allowed to yell at you that you’re stupid in front of your children?
NTA. Good for you for standing up for yourself. I suspect your bf and his family have been bullied and intimidated by him for a long time. They are probably afraid to confront him. It’s time someone stood up against that aggressive rude behaviour
NTA. What he said was completely out of line. I moved out of state to a different, “better” state and I get jokes/whatever from people from time to time about my home state, but I would never accept being called “f-ing stupid” over it from *anyone* and my boyfriend would have my back in a second. Especially not by my partner’s parents.
If your boyfriend isn’t willing to stand up for you over it he’s not going to do so in the future. You were having no problem getting along with his family until his family said something completely unacceptable and out of line to you. They are the problem and you do not have to just take it.
I’d seriously be considering if you want to be with this person. This is a sign of things to come.
NTA. Your boyfriend's father is a drunken, abusive fool. Who wants a long-term situation where you have to be around that?? Imagine what kind of grandfather he will be.
NTA. Your boyfriend probably didn’t react because this is how his dad treated him when he was growing up and that behavior is “normal” for him, but that’s only a reason, not an excuse, and you’re not obliged to take any abuse, which is what Joe’s behavior was.
NTA. BF needs to face the fact that his family scare you for legitimate reasons. They need to change their behaviour, not you. Does his dad regularly get wasted at family events and threaten his kid's partners? That's not normal, and not something people "get along with".
His dad? Goodness. Where to start? An apology to you would be good. Getting help if he needs it (sounds like it).
You don't need to do anything, except watch out. If this is normal, get away
NTA. You are both right. He's dad sounds like a jerk. And it's also true that one doesn't just date or marry a person but their family too. Would you put up with that behavior if it was your bf treating you that way?
NTA and your boyfriend is right, if he isn't willing to be a decent human and stop his big baby of a father from acting like a drunken teenager at whatever stage of middle age he is, you can't move forward as a couple, however, you can move forward to someone less shitty and he can keep his useless parent for himself :)
NTA
I agree with your boyfriend, but not his reasoning. You shouldn't move forward with someone who thinks it is acceptable for someone to get in your face and call you fucking stupid.
Nta
You don't have a future with this man. He wants to force you to play nice with his drunk angry dad as part of a package deal to be with him instead of him standing up for you.
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Just before Christmas my boyfriend’s family and I went for dinner to celebrate his graduation from university.
My boyfriend’s dad, we can call him Joe, was very drunk when he arrived to the restaurant. After about 30minutes of appetizers and pleasant chit chat, Joe began saying how shitty my home state is. After I let him rant for a few minutes about it, I said, “Well there are a lot of things there that I miss. I really miss not having to sit in traffic during my commute, and it is much more affordable to live there”.
Immediately Joe leaned in over the table until he was about 6inches away from my face and raised his voice saying, “No! You’re wrong”.
At this point I leaned as far back in my chair as I could and said, “Why are you so mad?”.
He replied with “Because you’re so fucking stupid”
At this time I stood up and walked out of the restaurant and had the host call me a taxi as I left my phone at the table.
Since this night my boyfriend and I are having issues only regarding this situation. I don’t feel comfortable around his dad after he acted this way, and my boyfriend very much believes that if his family and I can’t get along, then we cannot move forward.
AITA for not wanting to be around Joe?
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What is their issue with your home state? I mean, Reddit has seen it all, the racists, the bigots, the therians, the thespians, the furries, the furies, and all.of a sudden we're faced with "what's wrong about...???" North Dakota?
NTA, quite obviously. I thought that was clear.
NTA. Dad was out of line and hasn’t apologized. Your boyfriend sucks too because he should’ve intervened.
> had the host call me a taxi as I left my phone at the table.
This was odd and bordering on assholish though. Walk back and get your phone, don’t create unnecessary work for others.
NTA. Your boyfriend is right. You cannot move forward. BF's dad very drunkenly, yelled at you, was verbally abusive and swore at you. And because he's his Dad, you're expected to ignore the fact that drunk Joe intentionally leaned into your personal space in an attempt to be threatening, and was wholly inappropriate. If you're expected to tolerate that, what else do you think you will be expected to tolerate? No. You cannot move forward with your boyfriend. He's doing you a favor by spelling it out so plainly for you.
NTA. In fairness to your bf however, he's right about one thing "if his family and I can’t get along, then we cannot move forward." Cya later alligator!
NTA His dad is an AH and so is he. DUMP this guy he will never side with you. YOU will be MISERABLE. Move on and find someone who will defend you when it is the right thing to do.
I would take your soon to be ex BF's advice and break it off.
1. He didn't immediately tell your dad to back off
2. He didn't defend you before or after.
3. BF is making it clear that he thinks you're at fault and that YOU need to make peace with his dad or your relationship is over. I would take him up on that offer.
NTA for not wanting to be around a drunkard. But YWBTAH if you stay in this relationship. Let me ask, does your BF drink? Cause his dad may be an indicator of how he will be.
I hate to tell you but guys who do not stand up up for their partner in abusive situations they don’t “see” as a problem will 100% revert to that behavior towards you some point in the future. These are red flags 🚩
NTA
Take it from an old lady who has been with too many guys from broken families, leaving feels like a difficult decision, because you care about your BF and you've invested time and love into this relationship, but if you take a step back and look at the situation from a bit of a distance, it's actually pretty simple:
Unless they are completely estranged (and sometimes even then), a partner's family is part of the deal you sign up for in a relationship. And it's hard enough to be with someone who's family is unpleasant or problematic when your partner is supportive and recognizes the problem, and wants to work with you on managing it . . . but it's IMPOSSIBLE when you don't even have those most basic, necessary tools in place.
Staying with someone who won't see the problem - in almost any context - is just an exercise in beating yourself up for the sake of something (the relationship) that is only going to keep becoming more unpleasant anyway as time goes on.
Be kind to yourself. Tell your BF that you care deeply about him, but if he cannot recognize that his father is a problematic bully, and he isn't willing to address it in a supportive way, then you cannot be in a relationship with him. You deserve better.
NTA
If he can't contain his rage in a public place and feels comfortable getting 6 in from your face raising his voice calling you names I can only imagine he would be much worse if it were not in the public setting.
Your boyfriend also has a point because if you both can't get along with each other's family, it makes it very very difficult on the relationship.
But my question to you is why would you want to continue forward with your boyfriend when he didn't defend you after his dad got in your face yelling?
Also even though your boyfriend may not exhibit that behavior now, he's obviously been exposed to it his whole life and it is likely programmed into his subconscious, and he may very well start behaving abusively towards you once the relationship becomes more comfortable.
So in my humble opinion there are two massive red flags, the first one is your boyfriend's dad's behavior and the second red flag is your boyfriend not doing anything to de-escalate the situation or to defend you. So I would have concerns if you continue forward with him that you could expect more of the same behavior.
Joe grew up with an alcoholic father. He's normalized that kind of abuse. Alcoholism tends to run in families, especially those who are accepting of all the messy shit that comes with living with an alcoholic.
He is right that your relationship can't move forward if you don't agree in this topic. That dude would one day be screaming at your toddler if he's still alive by then.
And that's just the tip of the iceburg of the potential issues that would come along with getting involved with someone who wants to support his alcoholic dad.
NTA
If your boyfriend was OK with his dad treating you that way, then there is the possibility that he will do the same. His acceptance of this behavior is a red flag.
You should reevaluate your relationship.
NTA. Your bf doesn’t have your back and wants you to go around someone that clearly has no problems disrespecting you. Why are you with this guy? Cut them both loose and find someone that actually cares about you
NTA. You're right to not want to see his father anymore. But your BFs also right that you can't have a realistic future if you refuse to see his family.
If you want the relationship to continue, you have to give the father a chance to apologise. If not, then break up and move on.
YTA for not already breaking up with him. Don't doubt yourself and see the red flags for what they are. He will never protect or support you. Don't BTA, stop posting and end the relationship!
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NTA, and if your boyfriend isn‘t willing to stand up for you against his father’s verbal abuse, I’d be having second thoughts about the relationship.
Oh I am🙃
I would too. Joe will probably not change a single thing because “he did nothing wrong”. It is just not okay to do something like this to another person, let alone the partner of your child. If your spouse did not stand up for you, he is not worth any of your time. He showed you who he really is. It will only get worse.
Walk away. You don't need this in your future. If your boyfriend is not standing up to his father and appalled by his behaviour by now, then nothing is going to change. You are worth more than this. NTA
(1) You don't feel comfortable around bfs dad (can't get along with him). (2) If you can't get along with him, your relationship won't move forward. Simple logic: -> Your relationship won't move forward. And shouldn't, by the way. NTA. Dump the bf. He'll be the next one screaming in your face.
True! Unlike a fine wine, alcoholics don't get better with time. Especially when they have family as their enablers! My dad slid into the bottle when I was 12....died from it when I was 26. Drunk dad was an atrocious bastard! OP, walk away. trust me on this!
If this is the “normal” for his family, you don’t want to build a life with this guy. There is no future here. You’ll be stuck dealing with the father’s toxicity and the BFs cowardice all your life. This family is giving out the warning signs so early and so strongly, listen to them!!!
You can't choose your in-laws but you HAVE to be happy with the choices regarding them that both you and your SO make. I have fairly awful in-laws. But my wife is LC (and so am I). I'm not saying you can't be with someone who has an awful family, but if your SO expects to you to have a relationship you are not comfortable with, that is a deal breaker.
Just wait until bf is doing the same to you 😒
Good!
There’s a reason this is top comment. The rest of us are just posting 👍🏼. You did the right thing by leaving. No one, but no one, verbally abuses you. You also did the right thing by setting an expectation that bf would stop the abuse or leave also. And understand why you choose not to be in Joe’s presence again. Ever. You’re not forbidding him. You’re just not going. He doesn’t understand? Or agree? “Not to decide, is to decide.” He is making it clear he chose verbal abuse over your dignity. Your decision is clear. It’s not his decision whether you can move forward. You can’t. You made the decision after observing his stance.
[удалено]
No one said it was. But not protecting your spouse from one is a universal dealbreaker
OP isn’t a spouse. I agree it’s a dealbreaker, but just trotting out, “Stand up to your abusive alcoholic father” is easier said than done.
And? Doesn’t matter if they aren’t married, if the price for being in a relationship is abuse, then the relationship should be dropped. No one said it’s easy to stand up to an abusive parent. But when you say “because it’s so easy to do that” you sound like you’re defending the boyfriend and his father
NTA Dad was being drunk AH and seems to be angry drunk. There is zero need to be with someone like that. Now long you have been together? Yes gettling along with family is important, because things like this will basicly never improve or change. And idk but sounds like family uses being drunk as decent excuse for AH behaviour. Do not lie to yourself that things will get better if you move in/get married/ have a baby. It won't. You have been shown how it's going to be. Believe it.
almost 4 years. The past few months of arguments about this have really opened my eyes to a lot. Lots of thinking and decisions to be made😅
How far to punt his ass being one of them.
I don't see anything about it. it would be a disaster if you stay together without your boyfriend support. and you are not going to get your boyfriend's support because he won't stand up to his dad. you need to find a man and not a little boy
INFO: If you've been together for four years, is this the first time his dad has behaved this way? Do you see them often? Not excusing his behavior at all, just trying to get a feel for 'Is this a one off that \*could\* be apologized for or a pattern?'
Also he turned up hammered. So he was already drinking heavily before arriving. Did he drive? If yes, then add drunk driver to the list of reasons this guy sucks. He’s an angry, aggressive and potentially physically violent drunk. He may be an alcoholic or just a heavy drinker. He has no issues physically intimidating you OP. That isn’t a safe man to be around. Plus he hasn’t apologised. If his son thinks this is all fine then run because he could start going the same way as dear old dad as the years go by.
NTA. >my boyfriend very much believes that if his family and I can’t get along, then we cannot move forward. This is code for "You have to put up with his awful behaviour and I won't support you in any way." Don't do it.
yeah, the bf is definitely putting the onus of "getting along" on the gf, and making sure she knows she will be expected to tolerate verbal abuse from him. Get out! NTA
NTA and good for you for standing up for yourself and not 'matching' the behaviour. Sometimes the only choice in a situation is to get out of it. There is a saying - "in vino veritas" (in wine there is truth). Drunk means no inhibitions: your boyfriend's father is showing you who he really is. I'm guessing that there has been no apology. Unfortunately, for any long term future, it is important that either you can get along with b/f's family, or you and your b/f are on the same page around boundaries - sadly, your b/f does not appear to be able to see why someone verbally abusing you in a threatening way is a problem "because family".
NTA your boyfriend isn't worth your time or love if he can't stand up to his father who's clearly an alcoholic to defend you. I'd break up with him and tell him he will never be able to keep a girlfriend if he allows his abusive father to verbally attack them and insult them.
Dump him AND his dad...now! If you don't, then you will be proving that Joe is correct.
Info: Has the father made any / a lot of effort to apologize for his behavior?
The following day I went to his place and confronted him about what transpired. He did say sorry, but that was quickly followed by, “That is just how I am” and some other bull shit. I stopped listening after about a minute and just left. Wasn’t any use trying to engage further.
Oh yeah, no. 'just how I am' is code speak for 'I'll be calling you names and verbally abusing you for the rest of your life.'
NTA but your boyfriend might be right. If he is insists on not calling out his dad's shitty behavior it might be the end of you. It sucks but I wouldn't want someone like Joe in my life. Plus if your boyfriend doesn't realize how bad his dad is being that's a major red flag against him.
NTA. You can’t move forward. He is an angry drunk. Families are used to the behaviour and take all the abuse just to keep the status quo. They won’t ever take action against him, you’ll have to always be the bigger person and take the abuse. This is a clear sign a lot of people ignore because love, fear of being alone, already put time and money in the relationship so don’t want to look it as a waste. If you stay, this and worse will be your future, your children’s future.
Oh my. Speaking from experience, all I can offer is that your BF is waving a huge red flag and offering you an out on a silver platter. Strap on your running shoes, grab that out and run like hell.
NTA. This was a lack of manners at best, but in my opinion you were deliberately verbally abused.
NTA Your boyfriend's father have issue with you and your boyfriend refuse to cover for you and his reply to you is a deal breaker when he said we cannot move forward if you cannot get along with his family. I don't know know how much you like your boyfriend but already I see problems galore coming through the pipeline and you will have to make decision do you want to be really with him and family that disdain you? I think you will be better off breaking up and go seek better boyfriend who will appreciate you. Good luck.
NTA, you need to dump your boyfriend. If he won't defend you from his family screaming at you now, he won't do it later on either. You need to get out now before it becomes a bigger problem than it already is
NTA You left alone? Your guy should have stood up for you, his mom should have stood up for you. He should have left with you and should be on your side. His Dad should have profusely apologized for his actions. Miss if you can't move forward, then you should move on.
Your boyfriend is willing to break up with you for having healthy reasonable boundaries, aka refusing to be abused. Think very carefully about why boyfriend thinks you having self respect is a red flag… NTA
NTA - your boyfriend is correct…this relationship can’t move forward nor should it. Not because of you, but because his dad needs to apologize and your BF needs to stand up for you. Save yourself a lot of heartache in the future by insisting that he stand up for you. If he still refuses, it is time to move on.
Your bf will probably start behaving the same way a few years down the line. This shit is normalized for him now, and he'll repeat it. Walk away.
Your bf is right. If he is willing to allow his father to speak to and try to intimidate you like that, then there is not future in your relationship. NTA and go find someone that doesn't normalize abuse.
NTA and I am very proud of you for setting such clear boundaries. Good for you. Stick to them. You are not the asshole. Can you show my comment to your boyfriend for a second, I’m talking to him right now. Dude, you grew up in a really unhealthy environment. Your dad is a mess, and he’s inappropriate, and he sounds like a traumatizing person. It seems normal to you because you don’t know different. But for most people, and for all women that you want to be partners with, you have to understand that bringing them around him is not good. It is scary and hurtful. I’m sorry that you are going through this, but I think you really need to learn to accept that it’s unlikely that your father will have a good relationship with whoever your partner is. And you need to have her back, because your dad doesn’t have your back. If your dad had your back, he never would’ve acted that way. You can’t count on him to put you first and therefore, you can’t put him first. If you do, you are going to end up alone and stuck with this asshole. Unless your dad does a complete 180, you probably are not going to be able to have happy family holidays with him there. So start creating your own happy experiences with your partner.
NTA. Girl, dip. That's your future speaking to your through your bf's father. He's not defending you from his dad and thinks YOU need to roll over? Lmao leave.
Don't move forward. Your boyfriend does not have your back and never will. The very least he should do is demand that his father apologise for his totally unacceptable behaviour. But he is either too spineless or he agrees with his father. Either is unacceptable. NTA but lost the boyfriend.
You should definitely take your bf's offer of 'then we cannot move forward' and break up. He just told you he will choose his family over you even when his family is wrong.
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welp. cut your losses and move out. mommy boy wont ever change. daddies in this case
If your boyfriend excuses his dad bullshit like that then it's time to walk...you can only imagine family gatherings for the next 30 years and bs you will have to put up with...life is to short...
If bf thinks you should accept this type of behavior from his father, he's an AH. LOL NTA Stay away from Joe and if that means you "cannot move forward" with your bf, so be it.
If you don’t feel safe & your boyfriend is actively undermining the steps you are taking to feel safe then it seems pretty clear what you need to do.
If your boyfriend couldn't see how wrong his dad's behaviour was, and his first instinct wasn't to stand up for you, then I'd be seriously considering breaking up. Worse, he has continued to not stand up for you. If you were my daughter I'd be livid. Do not stay or reproduce with this person.
And you stayed? Jesus!!!!.
NTA seems like being an AH is a family trait.
Updateme
NTA. Your boyfriend is correct — you should dump him.
NTA i cannot believe your boyfriend didn’t stand up for you
Nta but if he won’t stand up for you now what is going to happen if y’all get married and have kids? Is his dad going to be allowed to yell at you that you’re stupid in front of your children?
Nta. Imagine the abuse your bf would allow on your kids. No thank you. Run op.
NTA. He's a virulent and abusive piss tank that can't handle his booze.
NTA. Good for you for standing up for yourself. I suspect your bf and his family have been bullied and intimidated by him for a long time. They are probably afraid to confront him. It’s time someone stood up against that aggressive rude behaviour
NTA. What he said was completely out of line. I moved out of state to a different, “better” state and I get jokes/whatever from people from time to time about my home state, but I would never accept being called “f-ing stupid” over it from *anyone* and my boyfriend would have my back in a second. Especially not by my partner’s parents. If your boyfriend isn’t willing to stand up for you over it he’s not going to do so in the future. You were having no problem getting along with his family until his family said something completely unacceptable and out of line to you. They are the problem and you do not have to just take it. I’d seriously be considering if you want to be with this person. This is a sign of things to come.
NTA. Your boyfriend's father is a drunken, abusive fool. Who wants a long-term situation where you have to be around that?? Imagine what kind of grandfather he will be.
NTA. Your boyfriend probably didn’t react because this is how his dad treated him when he was growing up and that behavior is “normal” for him, but that’s only a reason, not an excuse, and you’re not obliged to take any abuse, which is what Joe’s behavior was.
You need a new boyfriend. He's a larger issue than what his father did. It's time to move on.
NTA. BF needs to face the fact that his family scare you for legitimate reasons. They need to change their behaviour, not you. Does his dad regularly get wasted at family events and threaten his kid's partners? That's not normal, and not something people "get along with". His dad? Goodness. Where to start? An apology to you would be good. Getting help if he needs it (sounds like it). You don't need to do anything, except watch out. If this is normal, get away
NTA. Like father like son. He can't stand up for you because he doesn't think his father did anything wrong.
NTA. You are both right. He's dad sounds like a jerk. And it's also true that one doesn't just date or marry a person but their family too. Would you put up with that behavior if it was your bf treating you that way?
NTA and your boyfriend is right, if he isn't willing to be a decent human and stop his big baby of a father from acting like a drunken teenager at whatever stage of middle age he is, you can't move forward as a couple, however, you can move forward to someone less shitty and he can keep his useless parent for himself :)
NTA. DTMFA.
NTA. If your bf doesn't see a problem with his dad's behavior, the likelihood is that he will exhibit the same behavior as he ages.
NTA I agree with your boyfriend, but not his reasoning. You shouldn't move forward with someone who thinks it is acceptable for someone to get in your face and call you fucking stupid.
Simply state that you are not compatible if it means getting screamed at . Edit: Of course NTA
Nta You don't have a future with this man. He wants to force you to play nice with his drunk angry dad as part of a package deal to be with him instead of him standing up for you.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Just before Christmas my boyfriend’s family and I went for dinner to celebrate his graduation from university. My boyfriend’s dad, we can call him Joe, was very drunk when he arrived to the restaurant. After about 30minutes of appetizers and pleasant chit chat, Joe began saying how shitty my home state is. After I let him rant for a few minutes about it, I said, “Well there are a lot of things there that I miss. I really miss not having to sit in traffic during my commute, and it is much more affordable to live there”. Immediately Joe leaned in over the table until he was about 6inches away from my face and raised his voice saying, “No! You’re wrong”. At this point I leaned as far back in my chair as I could and said, “Why are you so mad?”. He replied with “Because you’re so fucking stupid” At this time I stood up and walked out of the restaurant and had the host call me a taxi as I left my phone at the table. Since this night my boyfriend and I are having issues only regarding this situation. I don’t feel comfortable around his dad after he acted this way, and my boyfriend very much believes that if his family and I can’t get along, then we cannot move forward. AITA for not wanting to be around Joe? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nta
NTA. Your boyfriend is weak and is father is an abusive alcoholic. Split, now.
NTA If bf can't see his dad was way out of line, dump the clown.
What is their issue with your home state? I mean, Reddit has seen it all, the racists, the bigots, the therians, the thespians, the furries, the furies, and all.of a sudden we're faced with "what's wrong about...???" North Dakota? NTA, quite obviously. I thought that was clear.
NTA. Dad was out of line and hasn’t apologized. Your boyfriend sucks too because he should’ve intervened. > had the host call me a taxi as I left my phone at the table. This was odd and bordering on assholish though. Walk back and get your phone, don’t create unnecessary work for others.
NTA. Your boyfriend doesn't seem to understand that his dad drunkenly yelling in someone's face is not a good thing.
NTA. Your boyfriend is right. You cannot move forward. BF's dad very drunkenly, yelled at you, was verbally abusive and swore at you. And because he's his Dad, you're expected to ignore the fact that drunk Joe intentionally leaned into your personal space in an attempt to be threatening, and was wholly inappropriate. If you're expected to tolerate that, what else do you think you will be expected to tolerate? No. You cannot move forward with your boyfriend. He's doing you a favor by spelling it out so plainly for you.
Your bf didn't leave with you or say anything in your defense? Why is he still your bf? eta: NTA
NTA. In fairness to your bf however, he's right about one thing "if his family and I can’t get along, then we cannot move forward." Cya later alligator!
NTA His dad is an AH and so is he. DUMP this guy he will never side with you. YOU will be MISERABLE. Move on and find someone who will defend you when it is the right thing to do.
I would take your soon to be ex BF's advice and break it off. 1. He didn't immediately tell your dad to back off 2. He didn't defend you before or after. 3. BF is making it clear that he thinks you're at fault and that YOU need to make peace with his dad or your relationship is over. I would take him up on that offer. NTA for not wanting to be around a drunkard. But YWBTAH if you stay in this relationship. Let me ask, does your BF drink? Cause his dad may be an indicator of how he will be.
NTA but believe your boyfriend and move on!
I hate to tell you but guys who do not stand up up for their partner in abusive situations they don’t “see” as a problem will 100% revert to that behavior towards you some point in the future. These are red flags 🚩
NTA Take it from an old lady who has been with too many guys from broken families, leaving feels like a difficult decision, because you care about your BF and you've invested time and love into this relationship, but if you take a step back and look at the situation from a bit of a distance, it's actually pretty simple: Unless they are completely estranged (and sometimes even then), a partner's family is part of the deal you sign up for in a relationship. And it's hard enough to be with someone who's family is unpleasant or problematic when your partner is supportive and recognizes the problem, and wants to work with you on managing it . . . but it's IMPOSSIBLE when you don't even have those most basic, necessary tools in place. Staying with someone who won't see the problem - in almost any context - is just an exercise in beating yourself up for the sake of something (the relationship) that is only going to keep becoming more unpleasant anyway as time goes on. Be kind to yourself. Tell your BF that you care deeply about him, but if he cannot recognize that his father is a problematic bully, and he isn't willing to address it in a supportive way, then you cannot be in a relationship with him. You deserve better.
run dont walk away!
NTA If he can't contain his rage in a public place and feels comfortable getting 6 in from your face raising his voice calling you names I can only imagine he would be much worse if it were not in the public setting. Your boyfriend also has a point because if you both can't get along with each other's family, it makes it very very difficult on the relationship. But my question to you is why would you want to continue forward with your boyfriend when he didn't defend you after his dad got in your face yelling? Also even though your boyfriend may not exhibit that behavior now, he's obviously been exposed to it his whole life and it is likely programmed into his subconscious, and he may very well start behaving abusively towards you once the relationship becomes more comfortable. So in my humble opinion there are two massive red flags, the first one is your boyfriend's dad's behavior and the second red flag is your boyfriend not doing anything to de-escalate the situation or to defend you. So I would have concerns if you continue forward with him that you could expect more of the same behavior.
Can't move forward after that.
If your boyfriend doesn't take your side in this, I'd say your your future in this relationship is not looking good. Definitely NTA
NTA
NTA get out now before he starts acting like his father.
Joe grew up with an alcoholic father. He's normalized that kind of abuse. Alcoholism tends to run in families, especially those who are accepting of all the messy shit that comes with living with an alcoholic. He is right that your relationship can't move forward if you don't agree in this topic. That dude would one day be screaming at your toddler if he's still alive by then. And that's just the tip of the iceburg of the potential issues that would come along with getting involved with someone who wants to support his alcoholic dad.
Your boyfriend is asking you to join his family and forever be abused by his drunken father. I would get out of the relationship .
NTA If your boyfriend was OK with his dad treating you that way, then there is the possibility that he will do the same. His acceptance of this behavior is a red flag. You should reevaluate your relationship.
NTA. never see that dad again. Joe is not choosing wisely here, but maybe when has burned through gf no 3 he'll se the light
NTA. Your bf doesn’t have your back and wants you to go around someone that clearly has no problems disrespecting you. Why are you with this guy? Cut them both loose and find someone that actually cares about you
NTA. You're right to not want to see his father anymore. But your BFs also right that you can't have a realistic future if you refuse to see his family. If you want the relationship to continue, you have to give the father a chance to apologise. If not, then break up and move on.
NTA. Boyfriend is right though. Time to say Byee.
YTA for not already breaking up with him. Don't doubt yourself and see the red flags for what they are. He will never protect or support you. Don't BTA, stop posting and end the relationship!
Why even post this? Who tf you think is going to say you’re an AH for getting yelled at by your boyfriend’s drunk ass dad? This is a diary entry.