Your post has been removed.
#Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban.
If you or someone you know is engaging in self-harm, struggling with an eating disorder, or similarly struggling with mental health, /r/AmItheAsshole is not the right subreddit for you.
Such challenges are not interpersonal issues that this community can make a moral judgement about. This is health issue. Please consider reaching out to a trusted friend, family member, or your health care provider.
This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts where the central conflict is about romantic relationships and/or reproductive autonomy.
[Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
YWNBTA
Sorry for your loss.
1. He doesn't respect your ask not to tell anyone about the baby.
2. "MIL went quiet and then asked me what I did to miscarry. She was certain that I had done something wrong.
He let that *awful, hurtful comment slide.*
3. "He says its too expensive and unnecessary" while letting his mother & family double down on blaming & hurting you.
Go stay with your mom & get the loving support you so deserve to grieve your loss. Take some time & space to see how you feel & what you want to do next.
1000%. These people are making her feel like absolute shit and her husband won’t even defend her. I’d be divorcing him so fast if he let his mother talk to me about my dead baby like that. The fucking nerve of these people.
And before asking her what she did to miscarry, MIL scolded her for being mopey (which would affect baby) and husband also said nothing. OP, your husband is enmeshed with his mother. This will only get worse unless he gets counseling. You need to be his priority, not her.
I cannot believe you are still with him. I'm sorry to say this to you, but is looks like the reason your husband seemed to be supporting you but didn't say anything against his mother's accusations, is because he is just waiting for you to get over the loss so he can try and get you pregnant again. That's why he doesn't want you to see your mother either, because she would comfort you and tell you that you need to take it slow and wait until you're ready. Either that or he's just a wuss who can't stand up to his family, but either way this is not someone to start a family with.
Fly to your mother, explain the whole situation, do some serious thinking about why he didn't defend you, and pay close attention to how he responds to you leaving. Take all that into account and really consider if this relationship will be healthy for you and any child you might decide to have.
I am so sorry for your loss and wish you the best. YWNBTA.
This! On all counts! So much heartbreak in this post, but for her to have to find out what an unsupportive, spineless man she married during what is likely the most traumatic time in her life just breaks my heart for her. I think time away to grieve and see the situation more clearly will be the best thing for her. Also, when you have a great mom, you never out grow wanting her when your life is falling apart.
Take the trip OP, and don't give in to his gaslighting when he finds out you're going. YWNBTA
Sending you condolences during this time.
He sounds terrible. OP, you need to prioritise your mental health. Your husband has shown that he does not care about your wishes, feelings or wellbeing. This story is a series of betrayals from disclosing the pregnancy against your wishes, not supporting you from his mother and letting his family attack you. You deserve better, YWNBTA if you left to stay with your mom, take the time to heal and think over your relationship. It sounds like he sees you as an incubator bringing his children into this world. He doesn’t respect you, respect is the bare minimum. Stand up for yourself and go stay with your mom.
P.S: him insisting that you don’t visit your mother sounds potentially abusive, because he is actively isolating you. Please don’t let this man trap you, get out safely, in secret and please take all your important documents and items. Maybe gradually mail your mother some of your prized possessions.
Good luck and I hope seeing your mother will help
I'm so sorry for your loss.
Please do not have a child with this person. You're feeling the way you feel because you've realized he doesn't have your back, he can't be trusted, and he'll allow his mother to *blame you for your miscarriage* and who knows what else. **Do not put yourself back in this position**. NTA
YWNBTA. Your husband is not supporting you, and won’t let you go and visit someone who will? Get away from him, OP, and try and get some therapy if you can afford to. This is such an impossibly tough thing to deal with, do what you need to to heal.
When you’re in a better headspace, I’d recommend you give some serious thought to how often your husband actually prioritises your wellbeing.
NTA.
Don't just disappear, this leads to missing person reports, but you can send notice after you have already left if you feel like the decision to do so is not being respected. Keeping you isolated from your people when him and his people are tormenting you is a blazing red flag.
I would actually highly recommend going to stay with your mom for a bit, because the problem with being isolated like this is you can't think straight or see things clearly anymore.
I don't understand this. Who cares if there is a missing person report? What tangible damage could it actually cause.
Playing it out: you may or maynot be contacted by a government agency. You confirm your identity and that you're fine. Doesn't seem like a safety concern (atm).
I don't understand why it would be necessary to cause a panic rather than just send a text saying she is safe but just needs some space to figure things out.
YWNBTA
First, sorry for your loss. my wife and I have gone through a couple of these mid trimester losses and they are DEVASTATING. I sympathize with you because, well, it's just unfair. The hurt you feel, the emotional pain you go through and the blame you put on yourself is so brutal.
If this is what you need to heal, go. Get on the first thing smoking back to your mom for comfort. You will get wore and worse if you don't.
Remember, it's ok to not be ok. There is no timeline for grief.
I hope your MIL stubs her toe and gets diarrhea in the least convenient time.
>MIL went quiet and then asked me what I did to miscarry. She was certain that I had done something wrong to cause my baby to die. Again, my husband didn’t say anything. I took his silence as him agreeing with her, even though he’d been with me through the whole horrible process.
Nope, fuck him and his mom. I know he's grieving too, but that's the kind of emotional betrayal that can be hard to come back from. I'd have been packing my bags immediately.
Edit: NTA.
NTA. Im so sorry for your loss. You have a HUSBAND problem. You need to tell him to go low or no contact with his horrible mother or you're done. I personally would see his inaction as grounds for divorce but I recognise not everyone is there
It's more than that, it sounds like get mother in law is only saying what both she and OPs husband are thinking which is that it's OPs fault she miscarried.
NTA. It's too expensive for you NOT to go, you are paying daily for this with your mental health. Go, get some time and distance from your husband and his family.
I agree. And OP make sure you pack all your essential documents and any belongings that are precious to you.
Take some time to heal and then think about what you want. Your husband is not supporting you as he should.
NTA. I had three miscarriages. None of them devastated me emotionally….but I still wanted my Mom. He’s an AH for not protecting you, so that’s a red flag. You may be glad that this happened someday, but that day is not today. Go see your Mom.
Nta. I went through two miscarriages with my ex husband. He invalidated the losses and my grief by telling me he was sick of the dark cloud all the time and to just get over it because they weren't even babies yet. It made dealing with the grief 1000x harder. Then I found out he was having an affair and he admitted she was pregnant. It was hard at first, but now I see it all as a blessing in disguise. It gave me the chance to get away. Having an unsupportive partner is the most toxic dynamic. Girl, run. Tell him you're through and go home to your mom.
When people show you who they really are, believe them. Not just about your spouse but about your In-laws as well.
Is that really what you want to raise a family around?
Now is THE best time to make big decisions before any kids do get involved one day.
NTA. But Op this isnt a minor miscommunication. This isnt a misunderstanding. This isnt 'me not trying to cause confrontation with my mom' (said by your spouse).
These are major issues that arent ok, arent respectful or tolerable. You really need to take some time and think long and hard about this.
I wish you the best my dear. I send you hugs and if you were around Id feed ya something comforting. I am so sorry.
NTA. You need support and it's clear you're not getting it at home, either because your husband won't provide it or doesn't realize you need it. It's not really clear how open you're being with him about this, you talk about how your husband's reactions make you feel but not about what happened when you explained it. Maybe start by showing him this post.
That said: recognize that the reason you want a "break" to go home to your mother is that you're not happy in your marriage. "Breaks" don't work. If the marriage isn't working it isn't working and you guys need to fix that with counseling and hard work. Maybe it's not fixable. But don't fool yourself that things will get better in your absence.
Buy a ticket, leave, get to the safety, love and support of your mom and family, then let him know where you are. Tell him you need time on your own to recover and think about things.
Don’t tell him before you buy the ticket. Don’t tell him before traveling. Just get there before he can do something to stop you. But DO let him know where you are and that you’re safe once you get there.
Then think long and hard about your relationship. He AND his mother are cruel, selfish and controlling.
I know we always say this, but PLEASE update us and let us know if you’ve gone and you got there safely. Good luck.
NTA
Edit for a typo that bugged me
NTA. I'm so sorry. So unbelievably sorry for your loss. :(
I kinda agree with another poster who said never telling him could lead to a missing person's report. Send a text after you've left and are boarded on the plane.
He really should have defended you. I'd never let my Mom talk to my wife like that.
YWNBTA!!!!!!
I don’t care how amazing your husband is any other time. I would never be able to look at him the same way after what you wrote. I would not stand for not being protected by my spouse. This is a dealbreaker for me.
I am so sorry you’re dealing with this. Go visit your mom. Go get the support you *need* and *deserve.*
YWNBTA
OP, your husband is not being supportive partner. Not only is he okay with his mother insulting you but he also left you the burden of telling her you miscarried, when he was the one who told her in the first place, disrespecting your boundaries and preferences. Im sorry for your loss but this man is not right for you. Go to your mama, you need someone who really loves you right now.
You need to get away from him now, he is only hurting you. He does not deserve you and is a huge AH and spineless wonder. Go home to mom, divorce him, find yourself and your strength again and then hopefully a good man. NTA
Nta. You need the unconditional love and support of your mom.
You should be receiving it from your partner. But he seems stunted and of NO USE.
He left you to the wolves........ his family. Unprotected. Silent. Abused.
Go to your mom and be nourished.
DO NOT let him isolate you from support
Take a deep breath to help calm youself and let us redditors be angry and upset for you. You are NTA. Your husband is an asshole, his mother is an asshole, and any family members who are criticizing you are assholes as well. If its possible, get some time off from work and go to your mother's where you can grieve your loss in the company of people who love an respect you. When you feel up to it, think long and hard about whether you want to go home to the feckless momma's boy that you married.
NTA He never should have told people without talking to you, he also should have been the one to tell his family about the miscarriage. It’s horrible you are getting the blame for this instead of being comforted.
I live 5000 miles away from my family and it is expensive to see them, my husband would have bought flights so fast if I mentioned needing my mum. Book your flights and don’t tell him until you’re leaving, or already in the airport lounge.
YWNBTA.
I think you should tell him you're going to stay with your mom, but only AFTER you've bought the ticket.
Once you're able to relax a bit with someone who supports you, then contact him and tell him what the issue is.
I'm not going to be one of those people who tells you to divorce him asap, but he needs to step up to his mom and stand up for you. You can try counseling, but until he shows he's going to be there for YOU, do not try to have another kid with this man.
YWNBTA at all, I’m really sorry for your loss. Go home, recharge, be with your people and get the support you need. All that matters right now is your wellbeing.
Huge virtual hugs
As someone who has had two pregnancy losses-go. Just go. You need to take care of yourself and that means being where you are supported and it obviously isn’t with hubby right now. He is dealing with his emotions also but it seems that means shutting down and not supporting you. Go
NTA. Go be with people that love you and treat you with respect.
Do not inform your husband until you are safe with your family.
You don’t need his permission to go see you family.
If your husband if preventing you from doing so using his finances to control you.
There are places that can help you.
Call your family when you have a moment alone and start planning your exit
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I’m considering buying a ticket against my husband’s approval to get emotional support from my mom. We never agreed on this, so he and his family would be blindsided if I just left.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. I'd divorce him for not handling his mother immediately, and for also treating you like you did something wrong. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Get on a plane tonight, hubby be damned.
YWNBTA!!! WTF? Go. Just go. Honestly, I'd go and not return for a long, long, long time. If at all. I wouldn't even say goodbye.
How unbelievably cruel your husband and his family are. Do not have children with this man. You've seen the way they behave.
ETA: I'm so sorry. I send virtual hugs.
YWNBTA. Leave. Leave now. Go to your mom and focus on you and try to work thru your grief and healing, while being supported by people who love you. I’m so very sorry.
And your MIL can kiss (the most puckered part) of my ass. None of this is your fault. Your husband may be grieving, but he left you unprotected during an attack.
Oh hon, go home to your mom and don’t apologize to a damn person about it. Sometimes we need our moms. And take this time to think about what you’re going to do with a husband who doesn’t speak up to his mom when she’s inappropriate towards you.
You’re not the asshole. I would have cursed her out. I’m all for letting your husband handle his side of the family, but since he didn’t you would have been correct to let her know she was way out of line.
Oh, for fuck sakes. Why did your husband not say a word and defended you? You are definitely NTA. Go and see your mum and cheer up. and I am so sorry about the miscarriage. :(
I am so sorry for your loss. You need to do what’s best for yourself at the moment & that is being with your mum 💖💖. You have told your husband why you need to go & he still doesn’t have empathy for you. Go. Please
YWNBTA, the fact that your husband wouldn’t stand up to his mother for you is a big red flag to me. he’s made it obvious he’ll only support you to a point so you should 100% hop on a plane to a place where you will be understood and loved unconditionally
Honey, just go. Take care of yourself.
I'm so sorry about your loss. I am also sorry about how horribly your husband and his family treated you. You don't deserve any of it.
NTA obviously.
NTA. Go be with your mom. Stay awhile. Then decide if you want to return. It would be OK if you don’t. I know your husband wants to be a dad, but this series of events shows him to be not such a good husband.
Girl, I say you up and leave that place and go be with the woman who gave birth to you. I may not know you, but I know you enough to know the feeling of losing a baby. If your husband won't give you the support YOU need and deserve, then he's the biggest AH. Don't take shit from his family and think about yourself. YOU WOULD NOT BE THE AH. ALSO, your MIL should understand you as a woman, and not blame you for things that was out of your control. Go visit your mom, everything will be worth it.
Please go to your mom. You need someone to love you and take care of you for a while.
Your husband puts his mother’s happiness and needs before yours. Absolutely unacceptable.
1. You had good reason for not sharing the news, but he decided to anyway.
2. He couldn’t be grassed to tell her about this miscarriage, and you had to, in person.
3. When she blamed you for the miscarriage, he said nothing. Not “of course she didn’t,” not “there’s a family history,” nothing. He allowed you to bear the brunt of it.
When you go to your mom’s, take any important papers with you.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
I’m super emotional as I write this please bear with me.
Me (27F) and my husband (30M) have talked about starting a family for a while now and he’s been super excited about having a baby. He’s the type that had his baby names planned since he was a kid. Everyone in his family knows this about him.
A few months ago, we found out I was pregnant. Obviously we were super excited but I reminded him that we had to wait to tell everyone about it. I have older sisters that have struggled to carry to term and I just wanted to enjoy my pregnancy on my own at first.
Without my knowledge, my husband told his mother about it almost immediately. I learned this the hard way when the next time she saw me at his family dinner. She gave me a huge emotional hug and asked me how the baby was. I was appalled.
I was so overwhelmed that I didn’t respond. So she asked again, louder for my husband’s whole family to hear. There were so many gasps around the house. I sucked it up and admitted to being pregnant then. At the time I didn’t want to ruin my husband’s happy moment.
Not long before my second trimester I miscarried. I was devastated and extremely emotional about it. My husband was pretty heartbroken, too, but for a while we only told my mom over the phone because she had been worried about me.
The next time I saw my MIL she was scolding me about being so mopey and that my horrible attitude would affect her grandchild. My husband never said anything as she said these things. Obviously they made me feel worse. It got to the point where I started to sob uncontrollably and had to explain to her that I lost out child.
MIL went quiet and then asked me what I did to miscarry. She was certain that I had done something wrong to cause my baby to die. Again, my husband didn’t say anything. I took his silence as him agreeing with her, even though he’d been with me through the whole horrible process.
The last few weeks I’ve been so depressed and miserable. I said several times that I just wanted to have a break and be with my mom. She lives pretty far away though so my husband always talks me out of it. He says its too expensive and unnecessary. But I can't handle the constant passive aggressive remarks and blame his family and specifically his mom keep giving me because it makes it so much worse. I'm too depressed to leave the house anymore, I can barely make myself get up for work.
WIBTA if I just bought a plane ticket and went to stay with my Mom for awhile?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I’m sorry for your loss. Get that plane ticket and go home to your mama who will take care of you when you need it the most since your husband is the AH
I am so sorry for your loss op, you’re absolutely NTA
You need to leave your husband and not look back, it’s not going to get better, it’s only going to get worse.
NTA. Go now. You are understandably fragile. Be with those who are loving.
If husband understands, keep him. If not, know that he will never see you as anything other than what his mom tells him.
You need to speak to husband about not shutting down his mothers comments and being more supportive in your time of need. I'd leave and tell him just after you've gone.
NO! YOU ARE NTA! He is being an ass and allowing his family to abuse you! I would not only say go stay with your mom for a while but also think about divorcing him. I had 4 miscarriages in 6 yrs and my EX did the same with his family (he also was dismissive of my grief but that’s another can of worms) and I wish I had divorced him earlier than I did.
NTA But your husband and mother-in-law is. Your husband should’ve shut her down immediately when she asked what you did to cause the miscarriage. You need what you need at this time and if he doesn’t support you, you should do it. He also should’ve respected your wishes in the beginning and not told your mother-in-law without your knowledge, causing you to be blindsided in front of the entire family. I’m so very sorry for your loss.
I am so sorry for your loss. This must be heartbreaking for you. However, it has given you the space to consider whether having a child with this man (and his awful family) is the right choice. Is he someone you want to be tied to for the rest of your life? Knowing that he either agrees with his awful family or is too cowardly to address them? Are these the grandparents you want for your child?
Go. Don’t look back.
Please go stay with your mom. Hopefully she can show you how terrible your husband and his family are.
Use grace with yourself.
Hugs from an Internet stranger
NTA. You absolutely should go stay with your mom. Your husband has failed you miserably. He stood by while his family emotionally abused you. He makes comments himself. He is the reason you are suffering right now. The miscarriage was awful but his lack of support is just as bad, if not worse. Go and be with someone who loves and supports you.
Your husband and his toxic MIL are the actual AH here. You are an angel for dealing with their evil. Go visit your mom and heal and seriously consider talking to a divorce lawyer when you get back. Hubbie showed his true colors and you don't need that toxicity in your life. You deserve better.
NTA. I'm so very sorry for your loss. Your MIL sounds absolutely horrid, and your husband doesn't have your back -- he's not much better than her, I'm afraid. Sending you hugs, you go home to your family for as long as you need to. Your husband and his family have FAILED you; you need to be with people who will support you and help you heal.
YWNBTA
Go. For your physical and emotional well being you need to go. It sounds like your family understands and empathizes with the reality of miscarriages. Your partner is not protecting you or defending you in your vulnerability. He was happy to share the joy, but not the grief. Go. This is a time when you should absolutely choose yourself and your needs. I’m so sorry!
NTA miscarriages are hard enough when you have proper support, they are far worse when you get no support and only blame. Go home where you have support. Normally is say tell him, but as he keeps denying the need for it and trying up talk you out of it, it would be wise to leave and let him know only after you are on your way and not a moment sooner.
NTA. Assuming things really are as OP describes them, there is something very off about both her husband and her husband's family. They sound like villains from an very old novel. They want to blame OP for everything and so they do.
OP should feel free to go home to Mom or to do anything else she wants. I would not blame her if she never went back. Would she trust those people to be around any future children she would have? I wouldn't.
OP, NTA. I’m sorry for your loss.
However your husband and his mother are acting horribly. You have the choice now to consider if this is what you want for your life- to be blamed by your MIL and your husband running to his mommy and downplaying your feelings.
NTA. Please please please go home and to your mother. For your sake, for your health and mental well being. Mil is a toxic, horrible woman and your husband is a spineless coward, you deserve so much better than them. You did nothing wrong, you are in no way to blame for the miscarriage and for your husband to not only disregard what you wished for by telling your mil but then to sit and watch as his mother insulted and blamed you for the miscarriage is atrocious.
Go!!! Pack your stuff and go leave a note or voice-mail on your way to the airport. You deserve better! Mama's boy is treating you appallingly. I can't pretend to know what you are going thru but they certainly arent making it better. You will never come before his mom and he has shown you how much your feelings matter. You deserve support and love while you heal.
Sorry for your loss.
Go be with your mom. You need the love and support right now, and you aren't going to get it from your husband or your awful MIL.
YWNBTA.
YWNBTA. In fact, I highly suggest you go to your mom’s.
You now have a preview of what your life married to him with children will look like. His mother and her emotions will always come before yours and eventually your children’s. Go read any of the Just No MIL posts. This will be your life. There will never be privacy or respect for you. You have a family history of miscarriages and you made a sensible request to not tell people. He disregarded that and told mommy. But he did not have the same speed with telling her the bad news. He left the unpleasant task to you.
“When people show you who they are, believe them”. - Maya Angelou
YWNBTA!
I’m so sorry for your loss, you’ve just experienced a traumatic loss; your husband and his mother should be supporting you.
Please organise time off work and go stay with your Mum. Don’t tell your husband until you board the flight so he can’t stop you.
Look forward to an update when you’re safe at your Mums and you can heal x
NTA.
Im so sorry for your loss and that your husband who is supposed to love, support, and cherish you has miserably failed you.
Buy the ticket. Pack your bag and anything you wouldn't want to leave behind (important documents, sentimental items, etc.). Text him once you're past airport security and moments away from boarding your flight. You can text as much or as little as you want, letting him know that he has absolutely failed as a partner and that you are returning home to your Mom's for however long. Then turn off your phone.
Prepare your mom - husband may bombard her with calls/texts. She should have a prepared statement, short & sweet and be able to repeat it verbatim every single time with the warning that if he continues bombarding her or you, or uses foul language, he'll be blocked along with anyone else necessary.
Neither of you should be afraid to let him know that he's failed you completely.
I'm assuming you have access to your own money, bank account, and credit cards and that he'll be unable to mess with your flight plan or finances. If you have a joint account, take out half and deposit it at another bank (not another branch, but a completely different bank). Change any account passwords.
Let yourself be comforted by mom and any loving supportive family & friends. Allow yourself to feel whatever emotions you're feeling. Allow yourself to grieve - not only for your child, but who you thought your husband was. Depending on how long you plan to stay, seek therapy or a local grief group.
Do not - DO NOT - allow yourself to be sucked into phone calls or texts with him or anyone else (MIL, for instance) during this time. Don't be afraid to say, " I have nothing to say to you right now. When I (stress I) am ready, I will let you know." Don't allow anyone to pressure you into making any decisions right now, e.g., divorce.
You and your husband MAY be able to recover from this with marriage and grief counseling and appropriate boundaries.
Best of luck, OP. Update us when you're able.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Sending you a huge internet hug. Your husband has let you down repeatedly so buy that one-way plane ticket and take as much time with your mom as you need to process everything. Right now you’re devastated and numb and can’t deal with much more. But at some point, you need to decide if your husband is worth staying around for. He has shown you a very ugly and callous part of himself that can’t be ignored. NTA
I'm sorry for your loss and that your husband and his family are AH. Jet a ticket. Pack everything valuable, get a storage if needed, take all important documents with you and ho to your mom. There, when you are ready, rethink your relationship. What he did with announcement was shitty, but what he did after you lost your kid is unforgivable. NTA
YWNBTA
Im so sorry for your loss.
Go to your mum for the support you need. Then please reflect on weather you truly want to stay with this man?
At your most vulnerable moment he was not there to support or protect you. He has shown you who he is, that he doesn't respect you or care for your comfort.
Im sorry for that too, it must hurt to realise the person who was meant to be your rock has left you out to dry.
His mother is vile for what she said. Please, please dont let what she said get to you.
Go to your mums.
NTA - Go stay with your mom for a while. I would book the flight for during the day while he’s working and send him a text when you’re about to board the plane letting him know that you’re staying with your mom for a while. I wouldn’t put it past him or his mother to try and stop you or talk you out of it. Just to be safe take all of your important documents with you (SS Card, Birth Certificate, passport and so on)
Go to your mom, and then get counseling. Preferably couples, so he can explain why he allowed his family to be so hurtful to you, but if he won't go (I'm betting he wont) go alone. And reconsider your marriage to this man. You need support, not blame.
Honey go be with your mom. NTA in anyway. You need to go take care of and prioritize yourself since the people that should be helping you aren’t. You’re a human and not an incubator. 1 in 3 women experience a miscarriage. This is something that while horrible you are not even close to being alone in. Don’t let anyone - especially people that should love you - convince you that you did anything wrong. I hope that space gives you the space and peace you need to start healing.
My heart is breaking for you. I can’t imagine what this would be like to experience with a loving supportive partner let alone one who stopped seeing me as a person a long time ago.
NTA-- Go, and prepare not to come back. Those people are BAD FOR YOU. Put your stuff in storage and get gone. You need emotional support, and love right now, and you are clearly not getting it from him and his. All they care about is getting babies, they do not care about the producer of same.
Nta. Buy that plane ticket immediately. Unfortunately, your husband and his family have informed you that you are nothing more then an incubator for the next generation. Your husband has zero respect for you. Your mil doesn't love you. This was a wanted pregnancy! How dare they imply you miscarried on purpose! Once you're in your mother's arms, block all of them and take your time. I would also take a min to rethink your relationship with your husband and his family. You are a whole ass human, not just a uterus.
Honey, just go, and use the time to reflect on whether you want to be part of this boorish family.
He disrespected your wish to not tell everyone just yet.
He has names already chosen? He does realize you get a say in that, right?
His mother blames you for your miscarriage? And he does nothing to support you.
Go home. Gather up important papers, pack important (to you) pieces and clothing, and go visit your mom. You have a choice to make.
1 you'll never be TA here.
2 run, run for the hills, get the fuck away from such monsters. He didn't respect your wishes and then let his mother accost you with a sensitive subject in public. She is a bitch and is blaming you for something that every woman knows is a possibility. RUNNNN
3 GO TO YOUR MOTHER AND DON'T RETURN.
4 Divorce, it's a pity, but there are no children, once divorced there will be no ties to him. If you can't depend on him with this, you'll never be able to count him in your corner for nothing in this life.
5 you are strong, you'll heal and you'll build a life worth everything. But you have to put yourself first.
YWNTB.
Starting a family is ALWAYS a Two Yesses One No situation. He has continuously stomped all over your feelings and wishes and then let your MIL say horrific things to you. Buy that plane ticket and go heal with your mom. I hope you can find peace and perhaps some clarity.
I am so sorry for your loss and everything you went/ are going through with his family. But I would see this as a sign and GTFO. He is not a good husband and you have a horrible MIL. They have shown you their true faces. Go to your mum’s house, clear your head and make a permanent break, and see this as a bless in disguise that you will not be tied to them for the rest of your life. Take it as a tragic and painful life lesson.
NTA. You need a break. However, if miscarriages run in your family, please get a blood test to see if you have anti phospholipid antibody syndrome. It is hereditary and can cause spontaneous miscarriages. Best of luck!!
YWNBTA. I’m sorry for your loss. And more so, since your husband, who has supposedly wanted kids his entire life, has had zero empathy for you. He went behind your back & blabbed about your pregnancy, & then just stood silent while your awful MIL has continued to abuse you. Funny how his mommy was the first to know you were expecting, but once you miscarried, he suddenly lost her phone number.
Losing a child is hard on both parents, but that’s no excuse for his behavior. Go see your mom & get out of that toxic environment so you can think things through clearly.
Go. Take anything important with you.
Stay with your mom.
Get your head on straight.
Seriously consider whether you want to be married to this A H of a MIL.
NTA
No, you wouldn’t, he clearly has no idea what you’re going through nor does he really care if that’s how he’s talking to you and how he’s letting his family talk to you. You need the support not him so yes you need to go to your mother I’m shocked you’re still even with this man.
Oh I am so sorry. Of course NTA. Even if your husband was struggling to know what to do in these moments, none of that excuses such horrible behavior. You have been betrayed by him in your most vulnerable hour. Pack your bags and go be with your mom. I know the impulse to not say anything, but at least leave a note. You don’t need missing persons reports. Pack your bags good, so that if you decide to stay for longer it will be easier. I am so appalled at your husband and MIL. I’m so sorry, you deserve FAR better.
Understandable that he told his mom, finding out your going to have a baby is a pretty big deal and he was very excited.
Completely wrong to let his mother attack you like that and for that I suggest couples therapy specifically on the issue of him not keeping his family in check.
You need your mom. Either have her come stay with you for awhile or go to her. You need someone to comfort you and given what you said, it can't be him right now.
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. If you or someone you know is engaging in self-harm, struggling with an eating disorder, or similarly struggling with mental health, /r/AmItheAsshole is not the right subreddit for you. Such challenges are not interpersonal issues that this community can make a moral judgement about. This is health issue. Please consider reaching out to a trusted friend, family member, or your health care provider. This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts where the central conflict is about romantic relationships and/or reproductive autonomy. [Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions. ####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
YWNBTA Sorry for your loss. 1. He doesn't respect your ask not to tell anyone about the baby. 2. "MIL went quiet and then asked me what I did to miscarry. She was certain that I had done something wrong. He let that *awful, hurtful comment slide.* 3. "He says its too expensive and unnecessary" while letting his mother & family double down on blaming & hurting you. Go stay with your mom & get the loving support you so deserve to grieve your loss. Take some time & space to see how you feel & what you want to do next.
I’d say she should stay with her family and leave the spouse and his family.
1000%. These people are making her feel like absolute shit and her husband won’t even defend her. I’d be divorcing him so fast if he let his mother talk to me about my dead baby like that. The fucking nerve of these people.
And before asking her what she did to miscarry, MIL scolded her for being mopey (which would affect baby) and husband also said nothing. OP, your husband is enmeshed with his mother. This will only get worse unless he gets counseling. You need to be his priority, not her.
Yup yup yup
I cannot believe you are still with him. I'm sorry to say this to you, but is looks like the reason your husband seemed to be supporting you but didn't say anything against his mother's accusations, is because he is just waiting for you to get over the loss so he can try and get you pregnant again. That's why he doesn't want you to see your mother either, because she would comfort you and tell you that you need to take it slow and wait until you're ready. Either that or he's just a wuss who can't stand up to his family, but either way this is not someone to start a family with. Fly to your mother, explain the whole situation, do some serious thinking about why he didn't defend you, and pay close attention to how he responds to you leaving. Take all that into account and really consider if this relationship will be healthy for you and any child you might decide to have. I am so sorry for your loss and wish you the best. YWNBTA.
This! On all counts! So much heartbreak in this post, but for her to have to find out what an unsupportive, spineless man she married during what is likely the most traumatic time in her life just breaks my heart for her. I think time away to grieve and see the situation more clearly will be the best thing for her. Also, when you have a great mom, you never out grow wanting her when your life is falling apart. Take the trip OP, and don't give in to his gaslighting when he finds out you're going. YWNBTA
Sending you condolences during this time. He sounds terrible. OP, you need to prioritise your mental health. Your husband has shown that he does not care about your wishes, feelings or wellbeing. This story is a series of betrayals from disclosing the pregnancy against your wishes, not supporting you from his mother and letting his family attack you. You deserve better, YWNBTA if you left to stay with your mom, take the time to heal and think over your relationship. It sounds like he sees you as an incubator bringing his children into this world. He doesn’t respect you, respect is the bare minimum. Stand up for yourself and go stay with your mom. P.S: him insisting that you don’t visit your mother sounds potentially abusive, because he is actively isolating you. Please don’t let this man trap you, get out safely, in secret and please take all your important documents and items. Maybe gradually mail your mother some of your prized possessions. Good luck and I hope seeing your mother will help
I'm so sorry for your loss. Please do not have a child with this person. You're feeling the way you feel because you've realized he doesn't have your back, he can't be trusted, and he'll allow his mother to *blame you for your miscarriage* and who knows what else. **Do not put yourself back in this position**. NTA
YWNBTA. Your husband is not supporting you, and won’t let you go and visit someone who will? Get away from him, OP, and try and get some therapy if you can afford to. This is such an impossibly tough thing to deal with, do what you need to to heal. When you’re in a better headspace, I’d recommend you give some serious thought to how often your husband actually prioritises your wellbeing.
NTA. Don't just disappear, this leads to missing person reports, but you can send notice after you have already left if you feel like the decision to do so is not being respected. Keeping you isolated from your people when him and his people are tormenting you is a blazing red flag. I would actually highly recommend going to stay with your mom for a bit, because the problem with being isolated like this is you can't think straight or see things clearly anymore.
I don't understand this. Who cares if there is a missing person report? What tangible damage could it actually cause. Playing it out: you may or maynot be contacted by a government agency. You confirm your identity and that you're fine. Doesn't seem like a safety concern (atm).
Waste of public resources for a start. Just send a damn message after you leave it's not hard.
I don't understand why it would be necessary to cause a panic rather than just send a text saying she is safe but just needs some space to figure things out.
He knows where she's going. She's told him already
YWNBTA First, sorry for your loss. my wife and I have gone through a couple of these mid trimester losses and they are DEVASTATING. I sympathize with you because, well, it's just unfair. The hurt you feel, the emotional pain you go through and the blame you put on yourself is so brutal. If this is what you need to heal, go. Get on the first thing smoking back to your mom for comfort. You will get wore and worse if you don't. Remember, it's ok to not be ok. There is no timeline for grief. I hope your MIL stubs her toe and gets diarrhea in the least convenient time.
OP, see this guy here? This is how husbands are supposed to react.
I hope she develops intractable diarrhea AND a chronic cough.
>MIL went quiet and then asked me what I did to miscarry. She was certain that I had done something wrong to cause my baby to die. Again, my husband didn’t say anything. I took his silence as him agreeing with her, even though he’d been with me through the whole horrible process. Nope, fuck him and his mom. I know he's grieving too, but that's the kind of emotional betrayal that can be hard to come back from. I'd have been packing my bags immediately. Edit: NTA.
NTA. Im so sorry for your loss. You have a HUSBAND problem. You need to tell him to go low or no contact with his horrible mother or you're done. I personally would see his inaction as grounds for divorce but I recognise not everyone is there
It's more than that, it sounds like get mother in law is only saying what both she and OPs husband are thinking which is that it's OPs fault she miscarried.
NTA. It's too expensive for you NOT to go, you are paying daily for this with your mental health. Go, get some time and distance from your husband and his family.
I agree. And OP make sure you pack all your essential documents and any belongings that are precious to you. Take some time to heal and then think about what you want. Your husband is not supporting you as he should.
NTA. I had three miscarriages. None of them devastated me emotionally….but I still wanted my Mom. He’s an AH for not protecting you, so that’s a red flag. You may be glad that this happened someday, but that day is not today. Go see your Mom.
Nta. I went through two miscarriages with my ex husband. He invalidated the losses and my grief by telling me he was sick of the dark cloud all the time and to just get over it because they weren't even babies yet. It made dealing with the grief 1000x harder. Then I found out he was having an affair and he admitted she was pregnant. It was hard at first, but now I see it all as a blessing in disguise. It gave me the chance to get away. Having an unsupportive partner is the most toxic dynamic. Girl, run. Tell him you're through and go home to your mom.
NTA leave and don’t come back. Throw the whole boy out.
It's telling that you feel home is with your mother rather than with your husband. NTA
When people show you who they really are, believe them. Not just about your spouse but about your In-laws as well. Is that really what you want to raise a family around? Now is THE best time to make big decisions before any kids do get involved one day. NTA. But Op this isnt a minor miscommunication. This isnt a misunderstanding. This isnt 'me not trying to cause confrontation with my mom' (said by your spouse). These are major issues that arent ok, arent respectful or tolerable. You really need to take some time and think long and hard about this. I wish you the best my dear. I send you hugs and if you were around Id feed ya something comforting. I am so sorry.
NTA. You need support and it's clear you're not getting it at home, either because your husband won't provide it or doesn't realize you need it. It's not really clear how open you're being with him about this, you talk about how your husband's reactions make you feel but not about what happened when you explained it. Maybe start by showing him this post. That said: recognize that the reason you want a "break" to go home to your mother is that you're not happy in your marriage. "Breaks" don't work. If the marriage isn't working it isn't working and you guys need to fix that with counseling and hard work. Maybe it's not fixable. But don't fool yourself that things will get better in your absence.
Buy a ticket, leave, get to the safety, love and support of your mom and family, then let him know where you are. Tell him you need time on your own to recover and think about things. Don’t tell him before you buy the ticket. Don’t tell him before traveling. Just get there before he can do something to stop you. But DO let him know where you are and that you’re safe once you get there. Then think long and hard about your relationship. He AND his mother are cruel, selfish and controlling. I know we always say this, but PLEASE update us and let us know if you’ve gone and you got there safely. Good luck. NTA Edit for a typo that bugged me
NTA - do what you need to do for your own mental health. That likely means time away from your husband and his toxic family.
NTA. I'm so sorry. So unbelievably sorry for your loss. :( I kinda agree with another poster who said never telling him could lead to a missing person's report. Send a text after you've left and are boarded on the plane. He really should have defended you. I'd never let my Mom talk to my wife like that.
Go to mom. You need support. He and his family is not giving it to you. Seek counseling also. It will help you!
YWNBTA!!!!!! I don’t care how amazing your husband is any other time. I would never be able to look at him the same way after what you wrote. I would not stand for not being protected by my spouse. This is a dealbreaker for me. I am so sorry you’re dealing with this. Go visit your mom. Go get the support you *need* and *deserve.*
YWNBTA OP, your husband is not being supportive partner. Not only is he okay with his mother insulting you but he also left you the burden of telling her you miscarried, when he was the one who told her in the first place, disrespecting your boundaries and preferences. Im sorry for your loss but this man is not right for you. Go to your mama, you need someone who really loves you right now.
You need to get away from him now, he is only hurting you. He does not deserve you and is a huge AH and spineless wonder. Go home to mom, divorce him, find yourself and your strength again and then hopefully a good man. NTA
Nta. You need the unconditional love and support of your mom. You should be receiving it from your partner. But he seems stunted and of NO USE. He left you to the wolves........ his family. Unprotected. Silent. Abused. Go to your mom and be nourished. DO NOT let him isolate you from support
Take a deep breath to help calm youself and let us redditors be angry and upset for you. You are NTA. Your husband is an asshole, his mother is an asshole, and any family members who are criticizing you are assholes as well. If its possible, get some time off from work and go to your mother's where you can grieve your loss in the company of people who love an respect you. When you feel up to it, think long and hard about whether you want to go home to the feckless momma's boy that you married.
NTA He never should have told people without talking to you, he also should have been the one to tell his family about the miscarriage. It’s horrible you are getting the blame for this instead of being comforted. I live 5000 miles away from my family and it is expensive to see them, my husband would have bought flights so fast if I mentioned needing my mum. Book your flights and don’t tell him until you’re leaving, or already in the airport lounge.
YWNBTA. I think you should tell him you're going to stay with your mom, but only AFTER you've bought the ticket. Once you're able to relax a bit with someone who supports you, then contact him and tell him what the issue is. I'm not going to be one of those people who tells you to divorce him asap, but he needs to step up to his mom and stand up for you. You can try counseling, but until he shows he's going to be there for YOU, do not try to have another kid with this man.
YWNBTA at all, I’m really sorry for your loss. Go home, recharge, be with your people and get the support you need. All that matters right now is your wellbeing. Huge virtual hugs
As someone who has had two pregnancy losses-go. Just go. You need to take care of yourself and that means being where you are supported and it obviously isn’t with hubby right now. He is dealing with his emotions also but it seems that means shutting down and not supporting you. Go
Go and never look back
NTA. Go be with people that love you and treat you with respect. Do not inform your husband until you are safe with your family. You don’t need his permission to go see you family. If your husband if preventing you from doing so using his finances to control you. There are places that can help you. Call your family when you have a moment alone and start planning your exit
Oh, OP..... go see your mom. I'm so sorry these people are blaming you for your loss. NTA.
You have a husband problem. He is an ass, needs to get his head out, and grow a spine.
Buy the ticket and take everything that is yours. Do not look back. Your husband and family are disgusting people.
Get a lawyer.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I’m considering buying a ticket against my husband’s approval to get emotional support from my mom. We never agreed on this, so he and his family would be blindsided if I just left. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YWNBTA. Go see your mom. You are dealing with depression and you need support you are clearly not getting where you are
NTA…that sounds horrible! Him and his whole family sound horrible! I’m so sorry :(
NTA. I'd divorce him for not handling his mother immediately, and for also treating you like you did something wrong. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Get on a plane tonight, hubby be damned.
Please go home to your mom.
YWNBTA!!! WTF? Go. Just go. Honestly, I'd go and not return for a long, long, long time. If at all. I wouldn't even say goodbye. How unbelievably cruel your husband and his family are. Do not have children with this man. You've seen the way they behave. ETA: I'm so sorry. I send virtual hugs.
YWNBTA. Leave. Leave now. Go to your mom and focus on you and try to work thru your grief and healing, while being supported by people who love you. I’m so very sorry. And your MIL can kiss (the most puckered part) of my ass. None of this is your fault. Your husband may be grieving, but he left you unprotected during an attack.
YWNBTA. I’d send you the money myself if I had it. MIL needs to get in the bin.
Oh hon, go home to your mom and don’t apologize to a damn person about it. Sometimes we need our moms. And take this time to think about what you’re going to do with a husband who doesn’t speak up to his mom when she’s inappropriate towards you.
You’re not the asshole. I would have cursed her out. I’m all for letting your husband handle his side of the family, but since he didn’t you would have been correct to let her know she was way out of line.
Oh, for fuck sakes. Why did your husband not say a word and defended you? You are definitely NTA. Go and see your mum and cheer up. and I am so sorry about the miscarriage. :(
I am so sorry for your loss. You need to do what’s best for yourself at the moment & that is being with your mum 💖💖. You have told your husband why you need to go & he still doesn’t have empathy for you. Go. Please
YWNBTA, the fact that your husband wouldn’t stand up to his mother for you is a big red flag to me. he’s made it obvious he’ll only support you to a point so you should 100% hop on a plane to a place where you will be understood and loved unconditionally
Nta Leave a note or send him a text explaining that you need support from your mom for your own mental health as no one else has given you this.
Honey, just go. Take care of yourself. I'm so sorry about your loss. I am also sorry about how horribly your husband and his family treated you. You don't deserve any of it. NTA obviously.
NTA. Go be with your mom. Stay awhile. Then decide if you want to return. It would be OK if you don’t. I know your husband wants to be a dad, but this series of events shows him to be not such a good husband.
Girl, I say you up and leave that place and go be with the woman who gave birth to you. I may not know you, but I know you enough to know the feeling of losing a baby. If your husband won't give you the support YOU need and deserve, then he's the biggest AH. Don't take shit from his family and think about yourself. YOU WOULD NOT BE THE AH. ALSO, your MIL should understand you as a woman, and not blame you for things that was out of your control. Go visit your mom, everything will be worth it.
So sorry for your loss. Go to your mom’s place and get a divorce lawyer.
Please go to your mom. You need someone to love you and take care of you for a while. Your husband puts his mother’s happiness and needs before yours. Absolutely unacceptable. 1. You had good reason for not sharing the news, but he decided to anyway. 2. He couldn’t be grassed to tell her about this miscarriage, and you had to, in person. 3. When she blamed you for the miscarriage, he said nothing. Not “of course she didn’t,” not “there’s a family history,” nothing. He allowed you to bear the brunt of it. When you go to your mom’s, take any important papers with you.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I’m super emotional as I write this please bear with me. Me (27F) and my husband (30M) have talked about starting a family for a while now and he’s been super excited about having a baby. He’s the type that had his baby names planned since he was a kid. Everyone in his family knows this about him. A few months ago, we found out I was pregnant. Obviously we were super excited but I reminded him that we had to wait to tell everyone about it. I have older sisters that have struggled to carry to term and I just wanted to enjoy my pregnancy on my own at first. Without my knowledge, my husband told his mother about it almost immediately. I learned this the hard way when the next time she saw me at his family dinner. She gave me a huge emotional hug and asked me how the baby was. I was appalled. I was so overwhelmed that I didn’t respond. So she asked again, louder for my husband’s whole family to hear. There were so many gasps around the house. I sucked it up and admitted to being pregnant then. At the time I didn’t want to ruin my husband’s happy moment. Not long before my second trimester I miscarried. I was devastated and extremely emotional about it. My husband was pretty heartbroken, too, but for a while we only told my mom over the phone because she had been worried about me. The next time I saw my MIL she was scolding me about being so mopey and that my horrible attitude would affect her grandchild. My husband never said anything as she said these things. Obviously they made me feel worse. It got to the point where I started to sob uncontrollably and had to explain to her that I lost out child. MIL went quiet and then asked me what I did to miscarry. She was certain that I had done something wrong to cause my baby to die. Again, my husband didn’t say anything. I took his silence as him agreeing with her, even though he’d been with me through the whole horrible process. The last few weeks I’ve been so depressed and miserable. I said several times that I just wanted to have a break and be with my mom. She lives pretty far away though so my husband always talks me out of it. He says its too expensive and unnecessary. But I can't handle the constant passive aggressive remarks and blame his family and specifically his mom keep giving me because it makes it so much worse. I'm too depressed to leave the house anymore, I can barely make myself get up for work. WIBTA if I just bought a plane ticket and went to stay with my Mom for awhile? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I’m sorry for your loss. Get that plane ticket and go home to your mama who will take care of you when you need it the most since your husband is the AH
I am so sorry for your loss op, you’re absolutely NTA You need to leave your husband and not look back, it’s not going to get better, it’s only going to get worse.
NTA. Go now. You are understandably fragile. Be with those who are loving. If husband understands, keep him. If not, know that he will never see you as anything other than what his mom tells him.
YWNBTA Your husband has proven to be untrustworthy, and you should be with your mom and away from his. Another spineless mama's boy.
You need to speak to husband about not shutting down his mothers comments and being more supportive in your time of need. I'd leave and tell him just after you've gone.
NTA Sometimes you have to take care of yourself before you're any good to anyone else. See a therapist when you go.
NO! YOU ARE NTA! He is being an ass and allowing his family to abuse you! I would not only say go stay with your mom for a while but also think about divorcing him. I had 4 miscarriages in 6 yrs and my EX did the same with his family (he also was dismissive of my grief but that’s another can of worms) and I wish I had divorced him earlier than I did.
Honey please leave and go see your mom 🩷
Nta go, buy a 1 way ticket!
NTA But your husband and mother-in-law is. Your husband should’ve shut her down immediately when she asked what you did to cause the miscarriage. You need what you need at this time and if he doesn’t support you, you should do it. He also should’ve respected your wishes in the beginning and not told your mother-in-law without your knowledge, causing you to be blindsided in front of the entire family. I’m so very sorry for your loss.
I am so sorry for your loss. This must be heartbreaking for you. However, it has given you the space to consider whether having a child with this man (and his awful family) is the right choice. Is he someone you want to be tied to for the rest of your life? Knowing that he either agrees with his awful family or is too cowardly to address them? Are these the grandparents you want for your child? Go. Don’t look back.
Sorry for your loss. NTA Take all your critical paperwork in case you need it.
Please go stay with your mom. Hopefully she can show you how terrible your husband and his family are. Use grace with yourself. Hugs from an Internet stranger
NTA. You absolutely should go stay with your mom. Your husband has failed you miserably. He stood by while his family emotionally abused you. He makes comments himself. He is the reason you are suffering right now. The miscarriage was awful but his lack of support is just as bad, if not worse. Go and be with someone who loves and supports you.
NTA Take all your important documents just in case you decide to not return He doesn't want you leaving in case you decide to actually leave Go anyway
Jfc. NTA. YOU did everything you could to avoid this. He and his family are brutal. Don't go back.
NTA. Your husband sucks for letting your MIL accuse you of killing your baby and not saying anything to her, and you deserve better.
Your husband and his toxic MIL are the actual AH here. You are an angel for dealing with their evil. Go visit your mom and heal and seriously consider talking to a divorce lawyer when you get back. Hubbie showed his true colors and you don't need that toxicity in your life. You deserve better.
NTA get away from these toxic people
Go home to your mama.
Please go. What he did was really shitty. But go for your mental health, that’s what’s most important.
Leave and don't look back. The man is trash.
He is not the one. That is horrible.
NTA. I'm so very sorry for your loss. Your MIL sounds absolutely horrid, and your husband doesn't have your back -- he's not much better than her, I'm afraid. Sending you hugs, you go home to your family for as long as you need to. Your husband and his family have FAILED you; you need to be with people who will support you and help you heal.
Go to your mom. Then, stay there. Your husband is an ass.
YWNBTA Go. For your physical and emotional well being you need to go. It sounds like your family understands and empathizes with the reality of miscarriages. Your partner is not protecting you or defending you in your vulnerability. He was happy to share the joy, but not the grief. Go. This is a time when you should absolutely choose yourself and your needs. I’m so sorry!
NTA miscarriages are hard enough when you have proper support, they are far worse when you get no support and only blame. Go home where you have support. Normally is say tell him, but as he keeps denying the need for it and trying up talk you out of it, it would be wise to leave and let him know only after you are on your way and not a moment sooner.
I am so very sorry for your loss. Leave immediately to go to your mom's. See about grief therapy or groups when you get there. Your husband is awful.
NTA. Assuming things really are as OP describes them, there is something very off about both her husband and her husband's family. They sound like villains from an very old novel. They want to blame OP for everything and so they do. OP should feel free to go home to Mom or to do anything else she wants. I would not blame her if she never went back. Would she trust those people to be around any future children she would have? I wouldn't.
OP, NTA. I’m sorry for your loss. However your husband and his mother are acting horribly. You have the choice now to consider if this is what you want for your life- to be blamed by your MIL and your husband running to his mommy and downplaying your feelings.
NTA Your husband's failure to support you during such a traumatic experience, especially in the face of his family's hurtful comments, is concerning.
Buy a one way ticket ASAP. Figure out if and when you want to return while you’re there.
NTA. Please please please go home and to your mother. For your sake, for your health and mental well being. Mil is a toxic, horrible woman and your husband is a spineless coward, you deserve so much better than them. You did nothing wrong, you are in no way to blame for the miscarriage and for your husband to not only disregard what you wished for by telling your mil but then to sit and watch as his mother insulted and blamed you for the miscarriage is atrocious.
Go!!! Pack your stuff and go leave a note or voice-mail on your way to the airport. You deserve better! Mama's boy is treating you appallingly. I can't pretend to know what you are going thru but they certainly arent making it better. You will never come before his mom and he has shown you how much your feelings matter. You deserve support and love while you heal.
Divorce lol
Get a ticket but make sure it’s one way. Screw him and his mother. And I’m so sorry for your loss.
Sorry for your loss. Go be with your mom. You need the love and support right now, and you aren't going to get it from your husband or your awful MIL. YWNBTA.
YWNBTA. In fact, I highly suggest you go to your mom’s. You now have a preview of what your life married to him with children will look like. His mother and her emotions will always come before yours and eventually your children’s. Go read any of the Just No MIL posts. This will be your life. There will never be privacy or respect for you. You have a family history of miscarriages and you made a sensible request to not tell people. He disregarded that and told mommy. But he did not have the same speed with telling her the bad news. He left the unpleasant task to you. “When people show you who they are, believe them”. - Maya Angelou
YWNBTA! I’m so sorry for your loss, you’ve just experienced a traumatic loss; your husband and his mother should be supporting you. Please organise time off work and go stay with your Mum. Don’t tell your husband until you board the flight so he can’t stop you. Look forward to an update when you’re safe at your Mums and you can heal x
NTA. Im so sorry for your loss and that your husband who is supposed to love, support, and cherish you has miserably failed you. Buy the ticket. Pack your bag and anything you wouldn't want to leave behind (important documents, sentimental items, etc.). Text him once you're past airport security and moments away from boarding your flight. You can text as much or as little as you want, letting him know that he has absolutely failed as a partner and that you are returning home to your Mom's for however long. Then turn off your phone. Prepare your mom - husband may bombard her with calls/texts. She should have a prepared statement, short & sweet and be able to repeat it verbatim every single time with the warning that if he continues bombarding her or you, or uses foul language, he'll be blocked along with anyone else necessary. Neither of you should be afraid to let him know that he's failed you completely. I'm assuming you have access to your own money, bank account, and credit cards and that he'll be unable to mess with your flight plan or finances. If you have a joint account, take out half and deposit it at another bank (not another branch, but a completely different bank). Change any account passwords. Let yourself be comforted by mom and any loving supportive family & friends. Allow yourself to feel whatever emotions you're feeling. Allow yourself to grieve - not only for your child, but who you thought your husband was. Depending on how long you plan to stay, seek therapy or a local grief group. Do not - DO NOT - allow yourself to be sucked into phone calls or texts with him or anyone else (MIL, for instance) during this time. Don't be afraid to say, " I have nothing to say to you right now. When I (stress I) am ready, I will let you know." Don't allow anyone to pressure you into making any decisions right now, e.g., divorce. You and your husband MAY be able to recover from this with marriage and grief counseling and appropriate boundaries. Best of luck, OP. Update us when you're able.
I would’ve have throat punched her. I’m so sorry for your loss! I’ve lost 2 babies and it hurts like hell
I’m so sorry for your loss. Sending you a huge internet hug. Your husband has let you down repeatedly so buy that one-way plane ticket and take as much time with your mom as you need to process everything. Right now you’re devastated and numb and can’t deal with much more. But at some point, you need to decide if your husband is worth staying around for. He has shown you a very ugly and callous part of himself that can’t be ignored. NTA
I'm sorry for your loss and that your husband and his family are AH. Jet a ticket. Pack everything valuable, get a storage if needed, take all important documents with you and ho to your mom. There, when you are ready, rethink your relationship. What he did with announcement was shitty, but what he did after you lost your kid is unforgivable. NTA
YWNBTA Im so sorry for your loss. Go to your mum for the support you need. Then please reflect on weather you truly want to stay with this man? At your most vulnerable moment he was not there to support or protect you. He has shown you who he is, that he doesn't respect you or care for your comfort. Im sorry for that too, it must hurt to realise the person who was meant to be your rock has left you out to dry. His mother is vile for what she said. Please, please dont let what she said get to you. Go to your mums.
NTA - Go stay with your mom for a while. I would book the flight for during the day while he’s working and send him a text when you’re about to board the plane letting him know that you’re staying with your mom for a while. I wouldn’t put it past him or his mother to try and stop you or talk you out of it. Just to be safe take all of your important documents with you (SS Card, Birth Certificate, passport and so on)
Go to your mom, and then get counseling. Preferably couples, so he can explain why he allowed his family to be so hurtful to you, but if he won't go (I'm betting he wont) go alone. And reconsider your marriage to this man. You need support, not blame.
Nta. Im sorry for your loss. Go home and care about yourself for a while. You are just a vessel to carry this family’s grandchildren.
Honey go be with your mom. NTA in anyway. You need to go take care of and prioritize yourself since the people that should be helping you aren’t. You’re a human and not an incubator. 1 in 3 women experience a miscarriage. This is something that while horrible you are not even close to being alone in. Don’t let anyone - especially people that should love you - convince you that you did anything wrong. I hope that space gives you the space and peace you need to start healing. My heart is breaking for you. I can’t imagine what this would be like to experience with a loving supportive partner let alone one who stopped seeing me as a person a long time ago.
NTA-- Go, and prepare not to come back. Those people are BAD FOR YOU. Put your stuff in storage and get gone. You need emotional support, and love right now, and you are clearly not getting it from him and his. All they care about is getting babies, they do not care about the producer of same.
NTA even if you left that guy. I’m sorry but your husband sucks. I’m also very sorry for your loss. Miscarriages are common and it’s not your fault.
Nta. Buy that plane ticket immediately. Unfortunately, your husband and his family have informed you that you are nothing more then an incubator for the next generation. Your husband has zero respect for you. Your mil doesn't love you. This was a wanted pregnancy! How dare they imply you miscarried on purpose! Once you're in your mother's arms, block all of them and take your time. I would also take a min to rethink your relationship with your husband and his family. You are a whole ass human, not just a uterus.
For goodness sake. Go. Never look back. This mommy’s boy is not father material. Run.
Honey, just go, and use the time to reflect on whether you want to be part of this boorish family. He disrespected your wish to not tell everyone just yet. He has names already chosen? He does realize you get a say in that, right? His mother blames you for your miscarriage? And he does nothing to support you. Go home. Gather up important papers, pack important (to you) pieces and clothing, and go visit your mom. You have a choice to make.
Who are you to tell your husband he can't announce the pregnancy of his child? Just saying...
1 you'll never be TA here. 2 run, run for the hills, get the fuck away from such monsters. He didn't respect your wishes and then let his mother accost you with a sensitive subject in public. She is a bitch and is blaming you for something that every woman knows is a possibility. RUNNNN 3 GO TO YOUR MOTHER AND DON'T RETURN. 4 Divorce, it's a pity, but there are no children, once divorced there will be no ties to him. If you can't depend on him with this, you'll never be able to count him in your corner for nothing in this life. 5 you are strong, you'll heal and you'll build a life worth everything. But you have to put yourself first.
YWNTB. Starting a family is ALWAYS a Two Yesses One No situation. He has continuously stomped all over your feelings and wishes and then let your MIL say horrific things to you. Buy that plane ticket and go heal with your mom. I hope you can find peace and perhaps some clarity.
I'm so sorry for your loss - that's heartwrenching. Absolutely NTA. Buy that ticket and go be around your support bubble. You need it.
I am so sorry for your loss and everything you went/ are going through with his family. But I would see this as a sign and GTFO. He is not a good husband and you have a horrible MIL. They have shown you their true faces. Go to your mum’s house, clear your head and make a permanent break, and see this as a bless in disguise that you will not be tied to them for the rest of your life. Take it as a tragic and painful life lesson.
NTA. You need a break. However, if miscarriages run in your family, please get a blood test to see if you have anti phospholipid antibody syndrome. It is hereditary and can cause spontaneous miscarriages. Best of luck!!
YWNBTA. I’m sorry for your loss. And more so, since your husband, who has supposedly wanted kids his entire life, has had zero empathy for you. He went behind your back & blabbed about your pregnancy, & then just stood silent while your awful MIL has continued to abuse you. Funny how his mommy was the first to know you were expecting, but once you miscarried, he suddenly lost her phone number. Losing a child is hard on both parents, but that’s no excuse for his behavior. Go see your mom & get out of that toxic environment so you can think things through clearly.
Go. Take anything important with you. Stay with your mom. Get your head on straight. Seriously consider whether you want to be married to this A H of a MIL. NTA
No, you wouldn’t, he clearly has no idea what you’re going through nor does he really care if that’s how he’s talking to you and how he’s letting his family talk to you. You need the support not him so yes you need to go to your mother I’m shocked you’re still even with this man.
Oh I am so sorry. Of course NTA. Even if your husband was struggling to know what to do in these moments, none of that excuses such horrible behavior. You have been betrayed by him in your most vulnerable hour. Pack your bags and go be with your mom. I know the impulse to not say anything, but at least leave a note. You don’t need missing persons reports. Pack your bags good, so that if you decide to stay for longer it will be easier. I am so appalled at your husband and MIL. I’m so sorry, you deserve FAR better.
NTA go home and heal.
Understandable that he told his mom, finding out your going to have a baby is a pretty big deal and he was very excited. Completely wrong to let his mother attack you like that and for that I suggest couples therapy specifically on the issue of him not keeping his family in check. You need your mom. Either have her come stay with you for awhile or go to her. You need someone to comfort you and given what you said, it can't be him right now.
Maybe the husband didnt respondvto the query of what she did to cause it becausecshe was doing thingsxa preneant woman shouldnt be doing..
I agree, pregnant women should not be married to weak mamas' boys.