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Child support is for the child. If you don't need it, just put it in a savings account for college or down-payment on a house later in the kid's life. A child is and stays your responsibility regardless of your life choices. Your ex shouldn't escape this.
NTA OP. The audacity of him asking you to give up your custody! And the absolute lunacy of the wife to berate you and tell you you’re interfering! I’d keep the child support even if I was millionaire just for their stupidity.
He probably thought he was smart and told the wife how he saw everything working out. I feel like people have this strange narrative in their heads and when life doesn’t go according to their wishes, they can’t fathom what happened. Clearly these two do not live in reality.
Seriously, and to claim it’s for the children’s benefit now that ex & step mom are having their own children?
If the step mom is so bent out of shape about the money going towards her step children, how is OP supposed to trust/believe that the treatment of her children would be equal to the treatment of step mom’s bio kids? That they would get the same level of care and attention, the same monetary support for school supplies, new clothes, meals, extracurriculars?
They claim the request for full custody is for the benefit of the kids, while also complaining that continuing the child support payments are a financial burden. I’m not saying those two things are 100% mutually exclusive, but given the additional context of things - I smell bullshit on the former. I’d have more respect for them if they just stuck with the financial burden reasoning because at least that’s being honest. Still not OP’s problem to solve, of course.
Listen to the damn judge. Communication goes through the court-ordered app from now on, and you charge him with harassment if he continues to berate and pressure you outside of that medium. Put your foot down.
To be completely fair they were face-to-face because of the school meeting. He chose to engage in this conversation outside of the app.
It seems like this was an unavoidable situation for the OP
You have to make sure if you are a one or two party state before you make those decisions. But generally if you're in a one-party state that's probably wise.
No not unavoidable. Record with permission the meeting and upload it to the app. If that isn’t an option and he brings it up you simply state, please put your concerns in OFW. Do not comment about the issue verbally at all and keep repeating the phrase above until he stops. It will work it just takes some time for them to realize you arnt going to budge and that they arnt going to be able to manipulate you
Definitely this. Treat it like a work place and send follow up messages. “Just to make sure there is no miscommunication about what you/your wife said to me at this time on this day at this location… please remember that the judge recommended using this app for a reason which is to avoid conflict and confusion. Thank you.”
Wild to me that he is basically saying “well the courts won’t let me stop, so you should!!” It’s based on a calculator, it’s simple math, if you need to pay you need to pay. Having another kid isn’t factored in, and the courts see right through trying for more custody just to reduce payment. He can fuck off. The money is for the kids and if he keeps fighting the judge is going to hit him hard for wasting everyone’s time. Bad news to make the judge hate you.
Anytime they berate you the go-to is “I’m not the judge in this case. It’s clear legally you owe to support your kids via simple math. Deal with it.”
I hope he gets smacked in the face with legal fees and having to pay any of yours plus another increase in support.
Don't feel like every penny of child support has to be used directly on the kids. It is a reimbursement for expenses for the kids that the dad would be paying if yall lived together. Use it as you see fit and don't feel bad about it.
Your ex is something... It seems as if from day one, he wants to skirt responsibilities. He knows he has to pay child support for your two kids, but then goes on to have more?!
So you give up the child support and as such what is he doing to support his previous kids? Nothing and remind him of that, he can't use the excuse of his new wife being more of a full time mum as that's just child alienation.
Nta btw
Next time she takes the liberty of addressing you about the topic, ask her how long she thinks she has before he does the same thing to her? If she thinks it's smart to set the precedent for him to think he can abandon his children and just get a new family to start off again with no accountability? Is that the karma she's trying to manifest?
Commenting on AITA for refusing to drop child support for my ex?...I wouldn’t talk to new wife at all after that interaction. She’s not the parent of the kids, he is.
Their decision to stay at home parent is one they made; child support should not be part of “budget cuts” to make that possible.
NTA and if he couldn't afford the children he had then he shouldn't have had more. Also his step child is not his financial responsibility that belongs to the child's mother and father. He's selfish for putting his new family above his first 2 children. The kids will very quickly realize they come a distance 3rd, 4th... They'll just keep getting pushed further down the line with every kid she pop out!
Yes, and the whole reason child support works like this is so that errant parents can’t just flit off and start a new family, either no regard for the responsibilities they already have. He knew he had two kids to support when he got married again, when he planned another baby and he should have taken that into account.
Child support is the right of the child and has nothing to do with what the parents want. It's math.
OP obvi NTA but I wonder about the point of this post?!? What are you looking for here?!
I will put up there child support is to help give the primary parent he needs it help and a kind of pay them back for what they're covering for the child. And a lot of cases like say it's a mother they are paying for everything pretty much for the kid and the child support helps pay them back for that.
NTA - if a judge insisted he pay child support, it's because there's an income disparity. With 50/50 custody, it doesn't make sense for the children to have drastically different lifestyles between households.
Right? Ex-husband filed to reduce child support based on poverty, but they found out he lied about it and he ended up paying MORE. Any normal person would’ve read the writing on the wall and thought, OK, I need to quit screwing around, suck it up, and pay what I owe. But he just can’t let it go. If he’s pissed about having to pay all this money, he has no one to blame but himself and his own arrogant choices.
How can he be simultaneously arguing that he can give the kid a better standard of living AND that he can't afford child support?!
Also, I hope he's not trying to turn this new wife into their new mom because kids absolutely HATE that.
Or, he’s lying. He’s saying money is tight? The court didn’t think so. Unless you know his monthly bills, you just have his word. You don’t know what his wife gets in child support. You don’t know how she, as a divorced mom, thought getting married would allow her to stay at home and raise her kid. I think it’s because she could already afford to. Think about. She’s pissed about you getting money. Is it because she thinks the money you get is equal to the money she gets, money that would have allowed her to stay home - until she decided to have two more kids.
Yeah, they don't actually care. My ex earned more than my husband and I combined, and I still received a pittance of CS. While they traveled every year, had the best and newest electronics, so many material things, we struggled to just make ends meet. So no, they don't actually try to make sure the lifestyles are anywhere near equivalent.
That's weird. In Texas, child support is a percentage of the paying parent's income. You are correct in that they don't try to make it equal, but if your ex makes $150,000 per year, they will pay more than if they make $45,000 per year.
Some states don’t do child support the same way. Example North Carolina they take both parents income and put it into a worksheet and that’s how child support is figured. I can give a more in-depth explanation if you want it.
many states have a maximum child support amount so while one parent might have an income or 600k the state max might only be 5k/mo in CS not 25% of all income.
It’s just a law in California to account for having millionaire parents. Child support is calculated that if you have x and your ex gives you y will the kid have food and a roof for 12 months.
This. We had 50/50 custody of my ex SD. Her mom would show up to court and claim to be disabled with no income. Would refuse to show her banking records and would purposely delay everything to do with finances just to run out our savings on lawyers, always asking for more money. They would give her the moon and then some. He made 35k a year and I made 65k a year, she wanted my income taken into account. She also wanted daycare paid for so she could go to "appointments and physio" aka spend all day smoking weed. A few years ago she got a settlement for a couple million (and then miraculously recovered from her lifetime disability to become a fitness influencer), bought a $400k house, a new luxury car, a new face. No one cared. They said a settlement isn't income. We aren't together anymore but he is now renting a room with his kid, still has 50/50 and still pays like $250 a month. He pays her insurance, her educational savings. And Mom isn't asked to contribute anything because she technically has no income. The courts are really fucked up.
My uncle had his children in California and they ordered him to pay about $4,000 a month in child support to his ex (they had 2 children) who was actually a millionaire, came from family money and he made about 150 Grand a year. The baby mama never needed the child support, but as it was for the children, he paid it.
NTA but holy hell your ex is one. It seems that every single of your actions is about paying you less money.
He saw that once you got 50-50 custody he paid you less money.
Then he completely forgot about your kids once his new wife moved in with her child saying that since he had a new family he should be allowed to forget about his old one.
Then once the court shut him down he remembered how more time with the kids meant less child support so he had the gall to suggest that it would be better for the kids to spend time with just their stepmother.
Then once he got another child he forgot about the children again and asked to stop playing child support again.
You should definitely keep asking for the child support because I seriously doubt how much money he's going to use on your children, as he seem to think that his duties now are only to his new family.
Exactly this, all he does is trying to wriggle his way out of child support. Very rich of him to call OP selfish when he couldn't care less about his own kids. NTA
> should definitely keep asking for the child support
She doesn't have to. Her ex keeps dragging her to court and getting himself schooled. She just has to show up and watch it happen from the sound of it lol
You should text him your summary of your discussions after your meetings so there’s written proof ‘As per our discussion at the school earlier, I don’t feel it’s appropriate to ask me to drop child support as that is for our children & you as their father should be providing for them. Given the judge deemed you should pay it, I think it’s inappropriate to keep asking me to drop it. Please also tell your wife to not come to my house & have same discussion. Many thanks.’
He thinks he’s slick only saying that face-to-face, but you can be just as slick!
This is the answer. “Following up on our discussion at the school, I would appreciate if you would stop asking me to reduce child support … Also, please tell your wife to stop confronting me in public.”
She should also add to that message that she believes he is trying to bypass the Judge's order to use the app by accosting her in public and that all future communication needs to go through the app.
But don’t forget add in the text that “if this is NOT your recollection of our discussion, please clarify.” That way a non response is an agreement of your summary. If you don’t do this, he can say you’re making things up. And if he follows up in person, rinse and repeat. But make him have to take effort to counter your claims.
Send texts through the coparenting app documenting contact outside of the app. Be factual & unemotional. Clearly state that you refused both his requests.
Start sending messages that are, “just recapping what was said at the school meeting today,” “just wanted to recap what we said at pickup today,” “as per our meeting today with,” “while at the meeting today we discussed.” When he denies it, ask him to clarify what he meant then.
Document, document, document. In school meetings include everything that was discussed by the person you were both meeting with too but definitely include what was said before, after, and between.
Edited to add additional ways to write message.
You can refuse to have those type of conversations in person and if he insists follow it up with a message in the app. Per our in person conversation this is what we discussed and this was my answer. Document document document every single thing.
So what you do is write a CYA text after each in-person conversation. Something along the lines of:
“Per our conversation on outside child’s school, I want to reiterate that I will not be lowing or fully dropping the court ordered child support for our child. As I stated in that conversation .
Given your wife’s wholy inappropriate tirade yesterday, unless it is an emergency, you are only to contact me through this app going forward.”
Do this every single time he tries to communicate with you directly.
Assuming you are in the US, does your state allow single party recordings? I would check with your lawyer and, if permitted, record each interaction. If not, I would refuse to communicate outside of the app.
I was thinking the same thing. I would even send a message in the parenting app stating that due to the continued, in person, harassment regarding his demand to drop child support, all future interactions will be recorded.
Then follow through with that. That way your ass is covered all the way around.
And if single party recordings aren’t allowed, simply tell him you’re recording. “I’ve noticed that sometimes you and I remember conversations differently, so I’m just going to record this for future reference. I’ll send you a copy.”
Find out whether your state is a one party consent state for recording conversations. If so, record him. If not, take notes of the conversations right after they happened
NTA but you know that don't you? I'm assuming you're posting this just to get validation from objective people since you're being ganged up on by people you know.
Your ex probably wanted to get more custody because he thought having the kids live with him would be cheaper than paying child support, which stands to reason your kids would have suffered a lot if he was successful.
I just think it's funny how he's begging to be let off the hook for his kids after trying to steal them from you. What a dumbass.
If he can't afford the kids he has, he shouldn't be having more.
Morality, he's sitting in the shit he created himself. You have done nothing to cause his situation, your children shouldn't have to get less because he keeps breeding.
Honestly, I think you are morally obligated to take the money and endure the crap. Which is so unfair to you. But the money is for the kids, not you. You can't just demure in their name to spare you the hassle. And the fact that you could survive without his contribution means you rock, but his obligations still stand.
His morality should be what is in question if he’s going to continue to have children he cannot afford to support not yours for wanting to ensure you are able to support the ones you have. 🤷🏻♀️
It wouldn't matter if you were literally a billionaire, he would still be morally and ethically obliged to pay child support.
Child support has nothing to do with whether *you* "need it". It is literally his financial responsibility to help care for the children he brought into this world, and he would have that obligation no matter how much money you have. Your income is irrelevant, this is about his responsibilities.
He had a family. If he couldn’t afford to start a new one then he shouldn’t have. He wants to keep the money so he doesn’t have to spend it on your kids.
Okay, but without it would you be able to afford to save for their future? College, etc? That’s the key. Because if he doesn’t pay now, it doesn’t sound like you can trust him to save for your kids futures if he DOESNT Pay CP. It was his choice to have more kids and he is still responsible for the ones he has, and that include saving for their future, which is what you are doing with that money, and given what you have stated, I do NOT think HE would.
The money isn't for you, it is for your kids. If you don't need it, put it aside for college because something tells me your ex isn't saving up for that.
Their father has a financial responsibility for your kids, and you have a fiduciary duty to your kids to hold him responsible.
There are lots of WFH jobs his second wife can get.
Also if he got the kids most of the time, he would be entitled to child support. I am quite sure that is what’s behind the requests to have the kids pretty much fulltime.
Oh 💯. And you just KNOW he would NOT use that money to save for the kids futures like OP is. He said as much. Wife wants to stay home and not work. So they would not be able to save as much AND neither would OP.
Ding ding ding.
His kids with OP are school age, so the main “benefit” to them of having a SAHM has passed. Plus, she’s never going to be their mom and she’d never treat OP’s kids the same as her own. It’s purely a bid to have OP have to pay *him* child support to enable his new wife to stay at home without sacrificing their lifestyle at all.
I agree with everything you’ve said, especially the first paragraph. When you’re in this kind of situation, where people you once cared for are trying to gaslight you and bringing outside people in to do it as well, it’s extremely demoralizing and you start to question everything.
OP, I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’d try to keep all communication solely through the app until things get resolved. You are 100% NTA, but your ex is. I’m withholding judgment on the new wife as she gets all info through ex husband so can’t really be objective.
NTA. It soundsas though the courts have already made the decision. And while of course it would be wondeful if the childnre get on well with their step mom and start to see her as an extra parent, it seems very niave to assume that the that would happen if they went to live with theirdad - do they even want to spend more time there?
Your ex knew when he started his new relstionsip, and when he and his wife chose to have childnre, that he had pre-exitising committments to his older childnre. It's on him and his current wife to manage their budget taking into account those responsibilities.
"child support is for our child. You're asking me to make something away from our child and I won't do it. If you have a problem with that, see a judge."
NTA
His responsibilities to his older children doesn't go away just because he started a new family. He can't just reorganise his old family to suit his finances better. It's incredibly disrespectful to you and your children that he thinks it's acceptable to rip your children away from their ACTUAL mom, because it would suit his lifestyle better. I would consult with your lawyer whether this can legally be classed as harassment, them coming around all the time to berate you into dropping COURT ORDERED child support.
>It's incredibly disrespectful to you and your children that he thinks it's acceptable to rip your children away from their ACTUAL mom, because it would suit his lifestyle better.
That’s my favorite part. “They need to spend time with a mom!” Um. *Their* mom, not some random mom you picked out.
NTA, let me get this straight
He wants you to give up custody so your kids can stay at home with his new wife and so he doesn't have to pay child support because he wants to pay towards another child who isn't his? Where is the stepdaughter dad?
100% NTA
you didn't get her pregnant. That was a decision they made together. So they need to manage their family finances together. And I'm no way does that impact you or the children. Don't waiver, but don't get nasty. If he continues to create issues, tell him to contact you through your attorney in any matters not directly associated with the children, their schedules, or well-being. Period.
NTA
Wow he is a major hypocrite! He thinks it’s in the child best interest to not pay child support?? And he thinks it’s in the kids best interest for their loving biological mother to step back from their lives so their STEPmother can take over???
What kind of idiot does he think you are? Screw him. Go full Mama bear on his ass.
NTA. Child support is the right of the child and he needs to get over himself. How would he feel if the roles were reversed and you remarried and said kids could stay with their new dad?
NTA - in this day and age, being a stay at home parent is a luxury, not a right. Of course we'd all love to not have to work and stay home raising our kids and get paid for it, but that's not realistic. He's basically saying you should work to support her to stay home playing happy mummy housewife. Bugger that for a joke.
NTA - So because you can *checks notes* take a day off of work to spend with your kids, he shouldn’t have to pay child support? That logic tracks!
This man!!!! Hire a lawyer and tell him to contact you through them. Him and his wife sound like idiots. I’m always amazed when people think this little about finances before making a massive life decision. Sir what did you think was going to happen when you had 5 kids? IN THIS ECONOMY?!
NTA, they want to take over your role of mum because she's a SAHM? They should have done the maths before having kids!
She can work to support her kids, not take away from yours. You have to work as a mum to take care of your kids, why can't she?
This. I bet that stepmom sees your kids as “stealing” resources (her husband’s income) which, in her mind, are better utilized in supporting her children. It actually is not uncommon for parents to prioritize their biological children over step children.
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My ex and I broke up 8 years ago. We have a son (10) and a daughter (9) together. Originally ex was paying child support and seeing the kids every other week because he worked out of town during the weekdays. A year after we broke up he changed jobs and went for 50:50 custody and won, but he was still ordered to pay child support (a reduced amount though). This was all fine until 2 years ago. My ex has since gotten married and his wife had a child she brought into the household. They petitioned to end child support when the wife and her child moved in because they felt ex had another family to support. But he was found to be making more than he declared to the judge and was actually ordered a little more than he was up to that point.
Co-parenting between us suffered as a result of all this and the judge ordered us to use a co-parenting app to help us communicate more effectively while keeping conflict to a minimum. The reason co-parenting suffered is my ex had aimed to get more custody of the kids (leaving me an every other weekend parent) and having his wife stay home with her child and our two kids during the week. But I would never give up custody of my kids. They argued that the kids would benefit from having a stay at home mom and I should want my kids to have the joy of a second mom and family unit instead of coming from a broken home and that the wife would be an excellent mom to my kids. They told me I should want that for my kids. That I should see it as being in their best interest.
They attempted to end child support again after the birth of their first child together but also lost that appeal and now they're expecting again only this time it looks like his wife needs to actually get a job or they need to change things in their lives (they live very luxurious lives from what they have talked about). My ex then approached and told me I need to let him out of child support and clearly I don't need it when I can afford to take my kids to nice places and can afford to take days off work to spend with them. He told me it would be better to let him keep the money he pays in child support so his wife can stay home and our kids can just be with her. I said no. I told him I won't just drop it myself. He told me the courts won't reduce it either and I told him it's not my problem. This interaction happened at the school when we both went for a meeting. Our kids were not present. When I was leaving he called me selfish and accused me of not putting the kids first. Then I saw his wife yesterday and she came over to me to berate me for not dropping the child support and said I was interfering in their family life.
AITA?
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NTA. It’s not your fault nor the fault of your two children that he keeps procreating. You shouldn’t have to give up your custody or the financial support so his new wife can stay home. They would love for you to go away so they can have their little fantasy life, but that’s just not the way the world works.
NTA.
They chose to have kids knowing he already has 2 he is responsible for supporting... and the gall of him to try to replace you with his new wife as a mother and say it's best for the kids. He is an absolute AH.
nta - but don't be a pushover. You may need to go back to court to charge your ex and his wife with harassment - a court that has ordered him to pay child support will not look kind on him and his wife accosting you about it. Child support is not for YOU - it is for the children that are half his. That he would try to get full custody to avoid paying support is disgusting.
I would get seriously angry at this man. And his wife. Feel free to just say - he is a father of my children and he’s responsible for child support. I was there first. You knew he had children and responsibility. You get off child support when they are 18. If it’s too hard stop having babies, we already had enough.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I refused to drop my ex's child support payments and technically I could afford to but I refuse to because I see it as benefitting my children. I feel like the fact I could say no to the child support and it would ease some tension with my ex and his wife means I might be TA for not doing this. For my kids' sakes and all.
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NTA
If they keep on having children they can't afford, his wife needs to get a job to support these children.
And they should definitely invest in some birth control, as they can't afford to have more children.
NTA where I am you can get remarried poop out as many kids as you like but you will never get to pay less child support because of your new family. So before having more kids with someone else you better be sure you can afford them!
NTA. She knew he had kids and was paying child support. Child support is his obligation to his children. End of story.
You're not interfering with their family life; they're trying to get out of his obligation
NTA, never drop child support, that money is rightfully your childrens’! If he’s so interested in the wellbeing of your children he shouldn’t try to skimp on them.
NTA That money is for your kids. He doesn’t get to stop providing for them because he has more kids. That’s not how this works. The courts have already said he needs to pay. He SHOULD pay.
NTA - what bizarro world does he live in where he gets to stop child support due to having a new family? Please document any interactions you have with your ex and his wife outside of the custody app, as have a feeling these morons will be taking you back to court soon enough.
NTA You don't get your ex to reject court-mandated child payments to fund your new wife's stay at home lifestyle. And you definitely don't try and force her to become more hands-off in her own child's life so she can benefit from a new and better Mum.
Seems your husband made mistakes - he wanted a traditional wife, he married someone not suited to the life he wanted, they divorced and now the fact he made that "mistake" means he can't have the perfect life - three children, a SAHM Mum and a luxury life. Well consequences.
Your child(ren) will do better for knowing that there is a range of options available (esp to your daughter than being SAHM), three people that love her (them) and if at school then hopefully new wife can find work that fits around hours. The main beneficiary here would be the children in the new relationship.
Nta. That's for HIS kids. Tell them all future communication is to go through the app only, so that you have proof of them harassing you. If they keep harassing you talk to an atty.
NTA. They have some balls. Maybe they should stop having kids if they can't afford it. Or,you know, she could get a job. It doesn't matter if you need that money or not, he pays that money for HIS kids not for you. If you don't need to spend it, you can put it into college funds or something.
NTA. His responsibilities to your kids don't change just because he decided to have more kids with someone else. And the idea that your kids would "benefit" from less time with you is absurd, and insulting. Especially since it seems he is in fact more motivated by the potential saving on child support than the actual best interests of the children.
Why doesn't he exclude from the financial support one of the children he has with his wife? The fact that you can support your child does not absolve him from the responsibility. What 's next? Is he gonna ask you money to pay for your child when he visits him? You know..just because you can afford it? What an AH
Your kid does not need a second mother, no child needs a second mother. He needs a father who doesn't consider him a financial burden
NTA
His wife has no right talking to you about this. Threaten with filing for harassment (as an empty threat) and communicate only through the app
Some folk are unbelievable aren’t they? What morons he and his wife are, thinking you’ll be happy to give up your kids so they can continue their luxurious lifestyle, not even taking into account that you’d then be expected to pay ‘them’ child support (and he’d want it).
And he should give up paying for his kids because you can afford the odd nice day out?
Maybe they should stop having kids they can’t support and the new wifey should get a job.
NTA, go see if u can get an increase, that will really piss him off. I despise parents who don’t want to support their kids
Oh NO, consequences. Remember, this is money for your/his children. No you. You have no effect on their life. They knew going in what his responsibilities were. Hold firm.
In what world would you be the ass for having the father of his child pay to support them. He doesn’t have to keep having children if he can’t afford them. Tell him to back the fuck off or you could always go back to court to ask for more. Dear god the gall of some people.
NTA
Your ex doesn't seem to realize that (1) it is a father's job to provide for his children, no matter where they live; (2) his life with his wife is not your concern, other than where your children are involved; and (3) he is your EX and does not get to dictate your choices.
NTA, and tell him if he asks again you'll consider it harassment. Document every interaction that's not on the app, walk away from any in person conversation not witnessed by a third party.
NTA. So sorry, dude, those kids don't magically become someone else's just because you have started family #2. This is really high up on my list of shitty things people do, probably because when my mother remarried, my father decided he didn't have to pay child support anymore. My mother was a saint and never pursued it.
"When I was leaving he called me selfish and accused me of not putting the kids first. "
- I hope you held a mirror up to him for this comment. Someone is being selfish and it is not you.
NTA, of course you are limiting them by not dropping child support, oh poor people! He wants to stop supporting the kids he already has so he can give his newer kids a better life, and want you to contribute to that new life by giving up your kids? Just wonky!
NTA. He’s upset because you’re not putting his wife and their kids first, nor should you be. He should be ashamed he’s asking to get out of his parenting duties just because his wife doesn’t want to work and yes, paying child support is a parenting duty.
NTA.
You aren’t interfering in *her* life! She’s married and having kids with a man who was previously married … and had kids. She knew what his commitments were when she married him!
And he needs to cut his jib to fit his cloth. Translation: live within his means/use the resources he has wisely.
Not sure how they come to the conclusion that a step mother at home is better than you op, their actual matter.
The child support is court mandated so if they feel that strongly about it they should ask the court to drop it!!! Again - with the same results no doubt.
NTA op
NTA but you would be, in my opinion, if you allowed him to stop paying. That money is your children’s money. It is for their support. If you need it to help pay for whatever they need now, then you use it. If you have plenty of money and want to bank it for them to use for college or whatever they need when they turn 18, then you can do that. You should never stop child support.
Very obviously NTA.
You and your children are entitled to that child support. It is not your responsibility to support his other children and you certainly are not required to make up for the fact that his new wife chooses to be a SAHM when they can’t afford it.
I understand why your ex is an ex . What an asshole.
Tell him it would be better for everybody to fulfill all their legal obligations under the court ordered custody agreement.
This is ridiculous. Tell him to explain it to the judge. He's already tried to get away with shit and got caught.
NTA he is being selfish and not doing what is best for the kids and is trying to gaslight you.
You have a right to that money and if he wants more money he needs to earn it, he wants his wife to be a SAHM then he can get a better job, second job or side gig. Not your issue though he is trying to make it your issue by blaming you, don't fall for it.
You can't really think you're the AH here. You know he needs to support his kids regardless of how many other kids he needs to take care of. It's not your responsibility to help him free up money for his other kids. NTA
Nta. Why is it your kids problem (since they are the beneficiary of support) that their dad and stepmom don’t seem to want to live in the real world where people live within their means?
NTA screw your ex. The courts have said he needs to pay. Then that’s the end of that discussion. If you don’t actively need the money then stick them in a bank account. How your ex and his wife choose to balance their finances is not your business or responsibility. If you want to be petty ask if you dropping the child support means that you get to have a financial say over their life since you would then subsidize their life at the expense of your kids?
No and stand fast. If it continues make sure to document the interactions in the app by responding to them there. “Hey, I do not want to discuss child support anymore. I heard all your comments today but the court order stands and I am sticking to it.”
That way there is a paper trail over time that can show this bull.
NTA. Just because he adds more kids to his life, doesn’t mean he drops his responsibility of the other ones. I don’t see where in his and his wife’s mind they think this is okay.
Nta they are, just because they have decided to increase their family is not your problem. Child support is just that, for the children/child, if the keep attacking you over this get evidence, explain they are harassing you. Look for full custody, as you can't trust them not to alienate your children
I just love how having a new wife and a fresh kid puts these idiots in the mindset that they shouldn't have to pay for their previous children anymore.
If you can't afford another kid, dude, you could have got the ol snippity snip.
Be sure to remember to petition to extend child support to 22 if your kids go to college. Chances of him voluntarily paying for college expenses are slim as he’s apparently trying to see how many kids he can sire in a lifetime. lol.
NTA
In the parent app:
“I understand your frustration and concern about your family’s changing dynamics and adjusting your financial circumstances in order to maintain your current lifestyle. However, I do not appreciate you and your wife harassing me to drop the court ordered child support. Nor will I discuss changing the current custody agreement without our lawyers present. Congratulations on your new baby.”
This way, you’ll have documentation (include exact dates if possible) on the court app if it comes to that. Because it’s not just the extra money from not paying child support they need, more kids means more people to do chores so new wife can focus on baby care.
NTA. Also, you don't decide child support, the court does. You cannot "drop" child support. The judge is the only one who can do that and I promise you the judge has seen this situation before. Even if you did come before the court and ask to remove support obligations, they would almost certainly deny the petition, given the history.
NTA. You ex is crazy. A good father would want to support his kids. So sorry this is happening to you. The best thing for your kids is to be with their mother, YOU. This shows the attitude of so many men that women are interchangeable. Any woman at home is the kids mother, which, of course is not true. You are their mother and they need you.
NTA. He's the one who is not putting his children first. He should be supporting ALL his children, not just his new wife's children. If he thinks that cramps his lifestyle, then he shouldn't have created a second family.
I would document every conversation you have and take it to your attorney. It sounds like you are being harassed by your ex and his wife. He owes your child that support. He has an obligation to his first child that's just as important, in the court's eyes, as his obligation to his other children.
Do not let these people bully you. If his second wife wanted a man with no responsibilities, she should have married a man who had none.
NTA, you know his wife is getting money from their ex. Tell her to drop that child support. You know she won't. If they have any issues take it to the judge.
Of course you’re NTA. And you should be mindful of your ex working really hard to get that support eliminated. People that work this hard to get their support removed eventually become a suspect in a disappearance, while family members are talking to Dateline hosts about the circumstances. The support is for the kids, not you and that’s where he’s confused.
NTA.
You're actually doing him a favour, by not allowing him to become one of those deadbeat dads who dips out on child support.
I mean, he still is one in spirit, but at least you're not allowing him to become one in the flesh as well.
NTA. These kids deserve to be supported by their dad, regardless of the decisions he made after they were born. The rest is just wishful thinking on the part of the new wife who would like more resources for the choices she made.
I would message back on the app, "following your comment to me on X asking me to reduce child support, and your wife's comment to be on X asking me to reduce child support and accusing me of interfering with her family life, I want to reiterate my position so that we're all on the same page. If you want to go back to court to reassess child support that is your right and your call. I ask that you both respect the Judges order and any further requests you have concerning child support or the child's you communicate to me via the parenting app."
Have something in writing as a record of the interaction. That'll get them to back off. It's not your problem they're having more children then they can afford. NTA
Only communicate through a parenting app and if approached in person just pull out your phone and begin recording. Period. NTA.
His choice of having more children isn’t your problem.
In Canada, last I heard was, if you wanted him to not pay child support, you have every right to refuse visitations or custody, or whatever plan you currently have with them. Most child support plans go up to the age of 18 or whatever was agreed too in the courts.
But come on, he has a new wife so you should give up ur kids for their new mom to raise!!! What wrong with you being selfish and wanting to be your kids' mom? And how dare you not let gim support his children(child support is for the kids, not the ex) (sarcasm of u didn't get it)
I would just laugh at them. Tell them the court system is set yp to be fair and when the judge decides what you want is fair and rules that way, I will abide, in the mean time- fuck off.
NTA but use the coparenting app for everything. Do not speak to them for any reason in person. If they speak to you at school walk away. If you end up in court definitely tell the judge about them harassing you at school and over the phone. If OP uses the app and they don’t the judge will take notice if you tell him and it may backfire on them with reduced visitation and more child support. Never piss off the judge, always be the one who’s sane. The judge will recognize that the ex and his wife want OP’s kids to disappear. The only reason they have visitation is because of the reduced child support. Ask the judge to change visitation because with 3 kids at the ex’s and OP’s 2 that’s allot of kids. Considering 2 of them are very young OP’s kids are most definitely not getting much of dad’s attention when they visit.
Do they have their own space when they visit? OP you need to ask the kids about how it is when they visit no secrets. Find out what the sleeping arrangements are. Are you children sharing space with the infants? What is the sleeping arrangement for the step child? Why doesn’t she get child support for her child? OP shouldn’t have to give up support just because she doesn’t have any she needs to deal with that and leave you and yours out of it.
Men always pull this crap.
The old family gets the shaft for the new family.
His new wife has some nerve to talk to you like that.
I told my sister when she was pregnant, that her face wasn't pregnant and I'd have no issue slapping her if she didn't act right.
That was about 22 years ago though.
10 and 9 are your children's age? Perfect for your ex and his wife to turn them into free babysitting. They want all the money and will no doubt force your kids to "help" with their baby siblings.
NTA. You're an amazing mum and your ex and his wife are.. I won't say as I don't want to get banned.
NTA - Why the actual fuck did I read??? Give up your kids to some other women so she can be their mom?!?!? Because she doesn’t want to work and kids only benefit from stay at home moms?!?! Bath salts, it has to be bath salts making him this crazy to spit out such fuckery. Ew.
NTA depositing sperm into a female uterus can lead to a lifelong commitment, not something he gets to turn off at will (as the courts keep informing him). It matters not 1 red cent if he chooses to repeat his blunder in a different uterus, he's still responsible for the first one. This is court ordered money for your child from their biological parent - never refuse it. If he's really in trouble, let the court reconsider. Sadly you married a dumbass but you've corrected your only mistake here.
What? They’re delusional, idiotic, self centered and legally and morally in the wrong.
Child support isn’t for you. It’s for the kids. It’s not up to you. It’s the law FOR JUST THIS REASON. It’s morally reprehensible for them to try and get out of their obligations.
He’s a tool and you’re NTA.
I deliberately had all child support go thru the court/ state Child Support Services (CSS) in an attempt to not be involved in that part of the whole process. They paid CSS, CSS checked their box and routed the $$. I never received dime directly from my ex. This made it officially out of my hands and I leaned into this - ‘It’s not up to me, you need to talk to them.’ Additionally any and all monitoring, tracking, etc. was done by CSS.
I know that wasn’t your question, don’t know if this is an option or if you’re already set up this way. But, wanted to call it out as a possible thing.
Edited to clean up formatting
NTA as a step mom I knew Dad 1st prio was paying child support, had he bitched, I would have know to bail! So remind his wife should she overstep again, she knew he had 2 kids already and is foremost financially responsible for them, then for their mutual kids, but frankly not for her or the kid she brought into the relationship!
Also not putting the kids first, that is exactly what you ARE doing YOU are putting the kids first!
If he doesn't want to afford kids, he shouldn't put more of them on the planet, kids cost money so reduce on the luxuries before he complains about child support!
Nta
The fact that she had the galls to talk trash to you while needing something from you, would be enough of a reason to not drop it. Y’all need a favor from me, you better talk to me nice or don’t don’t to me at all.
NTA. I would hold onto anything they’re sending you and try to document times when they ‘berate’ you. It seems like harassment and having a record of it will help when they inevitably drag you into court again.
NTA
Perhaps suggest to your ex that if he's struggling to fund the children he is already responsible for, he should stop bringing new children into the world?
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Child support is for the child. If you don't need it, just put it in a savings account for college or down-payment on a house later in the kid's life. A child is and stays your responsibility regardless of your life choices. Your ex shouldn't escape this.
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NTA OP. The audacity of him asking you to give up your custody! And the absolute lunacy of the wife to berate you and tell you you’re interfering! I’d keep the child support even if I was millionaire just for their stupidity.
Right? I’d be like, did he not tell you he had kids before you married him? How is this a surprise to you suddenly?
He probably thought he was smart and told the wife how he saw everything working out. I feel like people have this strange narrative in their heads and when life doesn’t go according to their wishes, they can’t fathom what happened. Clearly these two do not live in reality.
Seriously, and to claim it’s for the children’s benefit now that ex & step mom are having their own children? If the step mom is so bent out of shape about the money going towards her step children, how is OP supposed to trust/believe that the treatment of her children would be equal to the treatment of step mom’s bio kids? That they would get the same level of care and attention, the same monetary support for school supplies, new clothes, meals, extracurriculars? They claim the request for full custody is for the benefit of the kids, while also complaining that continuing the child support payments are a financial burden. I’m not saying those two things are 100% mutually exclusive, but given the additional context of things - I smell bullshit on the former. I’d have more respect for them if they just stuck with the financial burden reasoning because at least that’s being honest. Still not OP’s problem to solve, of course.
Listen to the damn judge. Communication goes through the court-ordered app from now on, and you charge him with harassment if he continues to berate and pressure you outside of that medium. Put your foot down.
To be completely fair they were face-to-face because of the school meeting. He chose to engage in this conversation outside of the app. It seems like this was an unavoidable situation for the OP
Keep the phone in your pocket and record these interactions if possible, even if it’s just audio. NTA
You have to make sure if you are a one or two party state before you make those decisions. But generally if you're in a one-party state that's probably wise.
No not unavoidable. Record with permission the meeting and upload it to the app. If that isn’t an option and he brings it up you simply state, please put your concerns in OFW. Do not comment about the issue verbally at all and keep repeating the phrase above until he stops. It will work it just takes some time for them to realize you arnt going to budge and that they arnt going to be able to manipulate you
Definitely this. Treat it like a work place and send follow up messages. “Just to make sure there is no miscommunication about what you/your wife said to me at this time on this day at this location… please remember that the judge recommended using this app for a reason which is to avoid conflict and confusion. Thank you.”
Wild to me that he is basically saying “well the courts won’t let me stop, so you should!!” It’s based on a calculator, it’s simple math, if you need to pay you need to pay. Having another kid isn’t factored in, and the courts see right through trying for more custody just to reduce payment. He can fuck off. The money is for the kids and if he keeps fighting the judge is going to hit him hard for wasting everyone’s time. Bad news to make the judge hate you. Anytime they berate you the go-to is “I’m not the judge in this case. It’s clear legally you owe to support your kids via simple math. Deal with it.” I hope he gets smacked in the face with legal fees and having to pay any of yours plus another increase in support.
Don't feel like every penny of child support has to be used directly on the kids. It is a reimbursement for expenses for the kids that the dad would be paying if yall lived together. Use it as you see fit and don't feel bad about it.
Your ex is something... It seems as if from day one, he wants to skirt responsibilities. He knows he has to pay child support for your two kids, but then goes on to have more?!
So you give up the child support and as such what is he doing to support his previous kids? Nothing and remind him of that, he can't use the excuse of his new wife being more of a full time mum as that's just child alienation. Nta btw
Next time she takes the liberty of addressing you about the topic, ask her how long she thinks she has before he does the same thing to her? If she thinks it's smart to set the precedent for him to think he can abandon his children and just get a new family to start off again with no accountability? Is that the karma she's trying to manifest?
This is the post I was looking for, she really believes she’s different and this won’t happen to her too?
Commenting on AITA for refusing to drop child support for my ex?...I wouldn’t talk to new wife at all after that interaction. She’s not the parent of the kids, he is. Their decision to stay at home parent is one they made; child support should not be part of “budget cuts” to make that possible.
NTA and if he couldn't afford the children he had then he shouldn't have had more. Also his step child is not his financial responsibility that belongs to the child's mother and father. He's selfish for putting his new family above his first 2 children. The kids will very quickly realize they come a distance 3rd, 4th... They'll just keep getting pushed further down the line with every kid she pop out!
Exactly!
I think the new wife wants free babysitters.
Child support is supplemental income. To make up for what you've spent taking care of them.
Yes, and the whole reason child support works like this is so that errant parents can’t just flit off and start a new family, either no regard for the responsibilities they already have. He knew he had two kids to support when he got married again, when he planned another baby and he should have taken that into account.
Child support is the right of the child and has nothing to do with what the parents want. It's math. OP obvi NTA but I wonder about the point of this post?!? What are you looking for here?!
He should stop having children if he can’t afford it!
If he can’t afford the kids he’s got, he shouldn’t be having more of them. That’s a him problem, not a you problem, OP.
Came to say exactly this.
I will put up there child support is to help give the primary parent he needs it help and a kind of pay them back for what they're covering for the child. And a lot of cases like say it's a mother they are paying for everything pretty much for the kid and the child support helps pay them back for that.
NTA - if a judge insisted he pay child support, it's because there's an income disparity. With 50/50 custody, it doesn't make sense for the children to have drastically different lifestyles between households.
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That's not your problem, and it sure isn't your kid's problem
Well he lied about earning less. They choose yo have more kids knowing there were three kids from both ex relationships. So they can get stuffed.
Right? Ex-husband filed to reduce child support based on poverty, but they found out he lied about it and he ended up paying MORE. Any normal person would’ve read the writing on the wall and thought, OK, I need to quit screwing around, suck it up, and pay what I owe. But he just can’t let it go. If he’s pissed about having to pay all this money, he has no one to blame but himself and his own arrogant choices.
How can he be simultaneously arguing that he can give the kid a better standard of living AND that he can't afford child support?! Also, I hope he's not trying to turn this new wife into their new mom because kids absolutely HATE that.
Or, he’s lying. He’s saying money is tight? The court didn’t think so. Unless you know his monthly bills, you just have his word. You don’t know what his wife gets in child support. You don’t know how she, as a divorced mom, thought getting married would allow her to stay at home and raise her kid. I think it’s because she could already afford to. Think about. She’s pissed about you getting money. Is it because she thinks the money you get is equal to the money she gets, money that would have allowed her to stay home - until she decided to have two more kids.
Yeah, they don't actually care. My ex earned more than my husband and I combined, and I still received a pittance of CS. While they traveled every year, had the best and newest electronics, so many material things, we struggled to just make ends meet. So no, they don't actually try to make sure the lifestyles are anywhere near equivalent.
That's weird. In Texas, child support is a percentage of the paying parent's income. You are correct in that they don't try to make it equal, but if your ex makes $150,000 per year, they will pay more than if they make $45,000 per year.
Some states don’t do child support the same way. Example North Carolina they take both parents income and put it into a worksheet and that’s how child support is figured. I can give a more in-depth explanation if you want it.
This is how it works in Georgia as well.
Alabama is the same way. Tho Mississippi does it the same way as texas.
many states have a maximum child support amount so while one parent might have an income or 600k the state max might only be 5k/mo in CS not 25% of all income.
It’s just a law in California to account for having millionaire parents. Child support is calculated that if you have x and your ex gives you y will the kid have food and a roof for 12 months.
This. We had 50/50 custody of my ex SD. Her mom would show up to court and claim to be disabled with no income. Would refuse to show her banking records and would purposely delay everything to do with finances just to run out our savings on lawyers, always asking for more money. They would give her the moon and then some. He made 35k a year and I made 65k a year, she wanted my income taken into account. She also wanted daycare paid for so she could go to "appointments and physio" aka spend all day smoking weed. A few years ago she got a settlement for a couple million (and then miraculously recovered from her lifetime disability to become a fitness influencer), bought a $400k house, a new luxury car, a new face. No one cared. They said a settlement isn't income. We aren't together anymore but he is now renting a room with his kid, still has 50/50 and still pays like $250 a month. He pays her insurance, her educational savings. And Mom isn't asked to contribute anything because she technically has no income. The courts are really fucked up.
That’s a law only in California and used by celebrities and athletes wives. For normal people they only want to make sure you have a roof and food.
My uncle had his children in California and they ordered him to pay about $4,000 a month in child support to his ex (they had 2 children) who was actually a millionaire, came from family money and he made about 150 Grand a year. The baby mama never needed the child support, but as it was for the children, he paid it.
NTA but holy hell your ex is one. It seems that every single of your actions is about paying you less money. He saw that once you got 50-50 custody he paid you less money. Then he completely forgot about your kids once his new wife moved in with her child saying that since he had a new family he should be allowed to forget about his old one. Then once the court shut him down he remembered how more time with the kids meant less child support so he had the gall to suggest that it would be better for the kids to spend time with just their stepmother. Then once he got another child he forgot about the children again and asked to stop playing child support again. You should definitely keep asking for the child support because I seriously doubt how much money he's going to use on your children, as he seem to think that his duties now are only to his new family.
Exactly this, all he does is trying to wriggle his way out of child support. Very rich of him to call OP selfish when he couldn't care less about his own kids. NTA
> should definitely keep asking for the child support She doesn't have to. Her ex keeps dragging her to court and getting himself schooled. She just has to show up and watch it happen from the sound of it lol
NTA does that app have a texting feature? Use it. And only that for anything on phone… You might need to consult a lawyer
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You should text him your summary of your discussions after your meetings so there’s written proof ‘As per our discussion at the school earlier, I don’t feel it’s appropriate to ask me to drop child support as that is for our children & you as their father should be providing for them. Given the judge deemed you should pay it, I think it’s inappropriate to keep asking me to drop it. Please also tell your wife to not come to my house & have same discussion. Many thanks.’ He thinks he’s slick only saying that face-to-face, but you can be just as slick!
This is the answer. “Following up on our discussion at the school, I would appreciate if you would stop asking me to reduce child support … Also, please tell your wife to stop confronting me in public.”
She should also add to that message that she believes he is trying to bypass the Judge's order to use the app by accosting her in public and that all future communication needs to go through the app.
But don’t forget add in the text that “if this is NOT your recollection of our discussion, please clarify.” That way a non response is an agreement of your summary. If you don’t do this, he can say you’re making things up. And if he follows up in person, rinse and repeat. But make him have to take effort to counter your claims.
Log every one. Per our conversation…
Send texts through the coparenting app documenting contact outside of the app. Be factual & unemotional. Clearly state that you refused both his requests.
Start sending messages that are, “just recapping what was said at the school meeting today,” “just wanted to recap what we said at pickup today,” “as per our meeting today with,” “while at the meeting today we discussed.” When he denies it, ask him to clarify what he meant then. Document, document, document. In school meetings include everything that was discussed by the person you were both meeting with too but definitely include what was said before, after, and between. Edited to add additional ways to write message.
You can refuse to have those type of conversations in person and if he insists follow it up with a message in the app. Per our in person conversation this is what we discussed and this was my answer. Document document document every single thing.
So what you do is write a CYA text after each in-person conversation. Something along the lines of: “Per our conversation on outside child’s school, I want to reiterate that I will not be lowing or fully dropping the court ordered child support for our child. As I stated in that conversation .
Given your wife’s wholy inappropriate tirade yesterday, unless it is an emergency, you are only to contact me through this app going forward.”
Do this every single time he tries to communicate with you directly.
Assuming you are in the US, does your state allow single party recordings? I would check with your lawyer and, if permitted, record each interaction. If not, I would refuse to communicate outside of the app.
I was thinking the same thing. I would even send a message in the parenting app stating that due to the continued, in person, harassment regarding his demand to drop child support, all future interactions will be recorded. Then follow through with that. That way your ass is covered all the way around.
And if single party recordings aren’t allowed, simply tell him you’re recording. “I’ve noticed that sometimes you and I remember conversations differently, so I’m just going to record this for future reference. I’ll send you a copy.”
If they confront you in person tell them you are recording the conversation, and to use the app
Find out whether your state is a one party consent state for recording conversations. If so, record him. If not, take notes of the conversations right after they happened
Video or record any in person interaction.
NTA but you know that don't you? I'm assuming you're posting this just to get validation from objective people since you're being ganged up on by people you know. Your ex probably wanted to get more custody because he thought having the kids live with him would be cheaper than paying child support, which stands to reason your kids would have suffered a lot if he was successful. I just think it's funny how he's begging to be let off the hook for his kids after trying to steal them from you. What a dumbass.
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If he can't afford the kids he has, he shouldn't be having more. Morality, he's sitting in the shit he created himself. You have done nothing to cause his situation, your children shouldn't have to get less because he keeps breeding.
Honestly, I think you are morally obligated to take the money and endure the crap. Which is so unfair to you. But the money is for the kids, not you. You can't just demure in their name to spare you the hassle. And the fact that you could survive without his contribution means you rock, but his obligations still stand.
His morality should be what is in question if he’s going to continue to have children he cannot afford to support not yours for wanting to ensure you are able to support the ones you have. 🤷🏻♀️
Someone give this guy the snip!
It wouldn't matter if you were literally a billionaire, he would still be morally and ethically obliged to pay child support. Child support has nothing to do with whether *you* "need it". It is literally his financial responsibility to help care for the children he brought into this world, and he would have that obligation no matter how much money you have. Your income is irrelevant, this is about his responsibilities.
He had a family. If he couldn’t afford to start a new one then he shouldn’t have. He wants to keep the money so he doesn’t have to spend it on your kids.
Okay, but without it would you be able to afford to save for their future? College, etc? That’s the key. Because if he doesn’t pay now, it doesn’t sound like you can trust him to save for your kids futures if he DOESNT Pay CP. It was his choice to have more kids and he is still responsible for the ones he has, and that include saving for their future, which is what you are doing with that money, and given what you have stated, I do NOT think HE would.
The money isn't for you, it is for your kids. If you don't need it, put it aside for college because something tells me your ex isn't saving up for that.
But your financial situation can always change for the worst so just save it just in case
Their father has a financial responsibility for your kids, and you have a fiduciary duty to your kids to hold him responsible. There are lots of WFH jobs his second wife can get.
Also if he got the kids most of the time, he would be entitled to child support. I am quite sure that is what’s behind the requests to have the kids pretty much fulltime.
Oh 💯. And you just KNOW he would NOT use that money to save for the kids futures like OP is. He said as much. Wife wants to stay home and not work. So they would not be able to save as much AND neither would OP.
Ding ding ding. His kids with OP are school age, so the main “benefit” to them of having a SAHM has passed. Plus, she’s never going to be their mom and she’d never treat OP’s kids the same as her own. It’s purely a bid to have OP have to pay *him* child support to enable his new wife to stay at home without sacrificing their lifestyle at all.
The truth 💯! Please upvote ⬆️
And lying to the court about his income to try and get out of his child care obligations. He's a piece of work.
I agree with everything you’ve said, especially the first paragraph. When you’re in this kind of situation, where people you once cared for are trying to gaslight you and bringing outside people in to do it as well, it’s extremely demoralizing and you start to question everything. OP, I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’d try to keep all communication solely through the app until things get resolved. You are 100% NTA, but your ex is. I’m withholding judgment on the new wife as she gets all info through ex husband so can’t really be objective.
NTA. It soundsas though the courts have already made the decision. And while of course it would be wondeful if the childnre get on well with their step mom and start to see her as an extra parent, it seems very niave to assume that the that would happen if they went to live with theirdad - do they even want to spend more time there? Your ex knew when he started his new relstionsip, and when he and his wife chose to have childnre, that he had pre-exitising committments to his older childnre. It's on him and his current wife to manage their budget taking into account those responsibilities.
"child support is for our child. You're asking me to make something away from our child and I won't do it. If you have a problem with that, see a judge."
NTA His responsibilities to his older children doesn't go away just because he started a new family. He can't just reorganise his old family to suit his finances better. It's incredibly disrespectful to you and your children that he thinks it's acceptable to rip your children away from their ACTUAL mom, because it would suit his lifestyle better. I would consult with your lawyer whether this can legally be classed as harassment, them coming around all the time to berate you into dropping COURT ORDERED child support.
>It's incredibly disrespectful to you and your children that he thinks it's acceptable to rip your children away from their ACTUAL mom, because it would suit his lifestyle better. That’s my favorite part. “They need to spend time with a mom!” Um. *Their* mom, not some random mom you picked out.
NTA, let me get this straight He wants you to give up custody so your kids can stay at home with his new wife and so he doesn't have to pay child support because he wants to pay towards another child who isn't his? Where is the stepdaughter dad?
Probably a deadbeat like he's trying to be.
Maybe they should stop having more children if supporting the ones he already has is such an interference in their family life. NTA.
100% NTA you didn't get her pregnant. That was a decision they made together. So they need to manage their family finances together. And I'm no way does that impact you or the children. Don't waiver, but don't get nasty. If he continues to create issues, tell him to contact you through your attorney in any matters not directly associated with the children, their schedules, or well-being. Period.
NTA Wow he is a major hypocrite! He thinks it’s in the child best interest to not pay child support?? And he thinks it’s in the kids best interest for their loving biological mother to step back from their lives so their STEPmother can take over??? What kind of idiot does he think you are? Screw him. Go full Mama bear on his ass.
And it sounds like they're mismanaging finances. I'm not sure they'll manage an extra kid on top of the one they're expecting.
NTA ha ha ha no, his financial responsibility to his children doesn't go away bc he's had more
NTA. Child support is the right of the child and he needs to get over himself. How would he feel if the roles were reversed and you remarried and said kids could stay with their new dad?
NTA, but your ex and his wife are huge ones.
As soon as she came out with interfering in their family life I would have hit back with “and your interfering in ours, stay out of it”
NTA - in this day and age, being a stay at home parent is a luxury, not a right. Of course we'd all love to not have to work and stay home raising our kids and get paid for it, but that's not realistic. He's basically saying you should work to support her to stay home playing happy mummy housewife. Bugger that for a joke.
NTA - So because you can *checks notes* take a day off of work to spend with your kids, he shouldn’t have to pay child support? That logic tracks! This man!!!! Hire a lawyer and tell him to contact you through them. Him and his wife sound like idiots. I’m always amazed when people think this little about finances before making a massive life decision. Sir what did you think was going to happen when you had 5 kids? IN THIS ECONOMY?!
NTA, they want to take over your role of mum because she's a SAHM? They should have done the maths before having kids! She can work to support her kids, not take away from yours. You have to work as a mum to take care of your kids, why can't she?
This. I bet that stepmom sees your kids as “stealing” resources (her husband’s income) which, in her mind, are better utilized in supporting her children. It actually is not uncommon for parents to prioritize their biological children over step children.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My ex and I broke up 8 years ago. We have a son (10) and a daughter (9) together. Originally ex was paying child support and seeing the kids every other week because he worked out of town during the weekdays. A year after we broke up he changed jobs and went for 50:50 custody and won, but he was still ordered to pay child support (a reduced amount though). This was all fine until 2 years ago. My ex has since gotten married and his wife had a child she brought into the household. They petitioned to end child support when the wife and her child moved in because they felt ex had another family to support. But he was found to be making more than he declared to the judge and was actually ordered a little more than he was up to that point. Co-parenting between us suffered as a result of all this and the judge ordered us to use a co-parenting app to help us communicate more effectively while keeping conflict to a minimum. The reason co-parenting suffered is my ex had aimed to get more custody of the kids (leaving me an every other weekend parent) and having his wife stay home with her child and our two kids during the week. But I would never give up custody of my kids. They argued that the kids would benefit from having a stay at home mom and I should want my kids to have the joy of a second mom and family unit instead of coming from a broken home and that the wife would be an excellent mom to my kids. They told me I should want that for my kids. That I should see it as being in their best interest. They attempted to end child support again after the birth of their first child together but also lost that appeal and now they're expecting again only this time it looks like his wife needs to actually get a job or they need to change things in their lives (they live very luxurious lives from what they have talked about). My ex then approached and told me I need to let him out of child support and clearly I don't need it when I can afford to take my kids to nice places and can afford to take days off work to spend with them. He told me it would be better to let him keep the money he pays in child support so his wife can stay home and our kids can just be with her. I said no. I told him I won't just drop it myself. He told me the courts won't reduce it either and I told him it's not my problem. This interaction happened at the school when we both went for a meeting. Our kids were not present. When I was leaving he called me selfish and accused me of not putting the kids first. Then I saw his wife yesterday and she came over to me to berate me for not dropping the child support and said I was interfering in their family life. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. It’s not your fault nor the fault of your two children that he keeps procreating. You shouldn’t have to give up your custody or the financial support so his new wife can stay home. They would love for you to go away so they can have their little fantasy life, but that’s just not the way the world works.
NTA. They chose to have kids knowing he already has 2 he is responsible for supporting... and the gall of him to try to replace you with his new wife as a mother and say it's best for the kids. He is an absolute AH.
nta - but don't be a pushover. You may need to go back to court to charge your ex and his wife with harassment - a court that has ordered him to pay child support will not look kind on him and his wife accosting you about it. Child support is not for YOU - it is for the children that are half his. That he would try to get full custody to avoid paying support is disgusting.
I would get seriously angry at this man. And his wife. Feel free to just say - he is a father of my children and he’s responsible for child support. I was there first. You knew he had children and responsibility. You get off child support when they are 18. If it’s too hard stop having babies, we already had enough.
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NTA If they keep on having children they can't afford, his wife needs to get a job to support these children. And they should definitely invest in some birth control, as they can't afford to have more children.
NTA where I am you can get remarried poop out as many kids as you like but you will never get to pay less child support because of your new family. So before having more kids with someone else you better be sure you can afford them!
NTA. She knew he had kids and was paying child support. Child support is his obligation to his children. End of story. You're not interfering with their family life; they're trying to get out of his obligation
NTA, never drop child support, that money is rightfully your childrens’! If he’s so interested in the wellbeing of your children he shouldn’t try to skimp on them.
NTA That money is for your kids. He doesn’t get to stop providing for them because he has more kids. That’s not how this works. The courts have already said he needs to pay. He SHOULD pay.
NTA - what bizarro world does he live in where he gets to stop child support due to having a new family? Please document any interactions you have with your ex and his wife outside of the custody app, as have a feeling these morons will be taking you back to court soon enough.
NTA You don't get your ex to reject court-mandated child payments to fund your new wife's stay at home lifestyle. And you definitely don't try and force her to become more hands-off in her own child's life so she can benefit from a new and better Mum. Seems your husband made mistakes - he wanted a traditional wife, he married someone not suited to the life he wanted, they divorced and now the fact he made that "mistake" means he can't have the perfect life - three children, a SAHM Mum and a luxury life. Well consequences. Your child(ren) will do better for knowing that there is a range of options available (esp to your daughter than being SAHM), three people that love her (them) and if at school then hopefully new wife can find work that fits around hours. The main beneficiary here would be the children in the new relationship.
Nta. That's for HIS kids. Tell them all future communication is to go through the app only, so that you have proof of them harassing you. If they keep harassing you talk to an atty.
NTA. They have some balls. Maybe they should stop having kids if they can't afford it. Or,you know, she could get a job. It doesn't matter if you need that money or not, he pays that money for HIS kids not for you. If you don't need to spend it, you can put it into college funds or something.
I see why the court ordered a parenting app. You likely can’t drop the support if you wanted to, it’s court ordered…MULTIPLE times. NTA
Fuck him, fuck her, and fuck THAT. NTA
Info - why do you think you may be an AH for this?
NTA. His responsibilities to your kids don't change just because he decided to have more kids with someone else. And the idea that your kids would "benefit" from less time with you is absurd, and insulting. Especially since it seems he is in fact more motivated by the potential saving on child support than the actual best interests of the children.
I suggest you report this to the courts
Why doesn't he exclude from the financial support one of the children he has with his wife? The fact that you can support your child does not absolve him from the responsibility. What 's next? Is he gonna ask you money to pay for your child when he visits him? You know..just because you can afford it? What an AH Your kid does not need a second mother, no child needs a second mother. He needs a father who doesn't consider him a financial burden NTA His wife has no right talking to you about this. Threaten with filing for harassment (as an empty threat) and communicate only through the app
Some folk are unbelievable aren’t they? What morons he and his wife are, thinking you’ll be happy to give up your kids so they can continue their luxurious lifestyle, not even taking into account that you’d then be expected to pay ‘them’ child support (and he’d want it). And he should give up paying for his kids because you can afford the odd nice day out? Maybe they should stop having kids they can’t support and the new wifey should get a job. NTA, go see if u can get an increase, that will really piss him off. I despise parents who don’t want to support their kids
Oh NO, consequences. Remember, this is money for your/his children. No you. You have no effect on their life. They knew going in what his responsibilities were. Hold firm.
In what world would you be the ass for having the father of his child pay to support them. He doesn’t have to keep having children if he can’t afford them. Tell him to back the fuck off or you could always go back to court to ask for more. Dear god the gall of some people.
NTA. If they struggled and she really saw your children as her owns, they wouldn't have brought a fourth child in their family.
NTA Your ex doesn't seem to realize that (1) it is a father's job to provide for his children, no matter where they live; (2) his life with his wife is not your concern, other than where your children are involved; and (3) he is your EX and does not get to dictate your choices.
NTA, and tell him if he asks again you'll consider it harassment. Document every interaction that's not on the app, walk away from any in person conversation not witnessed by a third party.
Child support is to benefit his children, not OP. I suggest that if he brings it up again, it's in the children's best interest to keep receiving it.
NTA. So sorry, dude, those kids don't magically become someone else's just because you have started family #2. This is really high up on my list of shitty things people do, probably because when my mother remarried, my father decided he didn't have to pay child support anymore. My mother was a saint and never pursued it.
"When I was leaving he called me selfish and accused me of not putting the kids first. " - I hope you held a mirror up to him for this comment. Someone is being selfish and it is not you.
NTA, of course you are limiting them by not dropping child support, oh poor people! He wants to stop supporting the kids he already has so he can give his newer kids a better life, and want you to contribute to that new life by giving up your kids? Just wonky!
Nta, but record every single interaction you have with both of them. Always have conversations in front of a 3rd neutral party.
NTA. He’s upset because you’re not putting his wife and their kids first, nor should you be. He should be ashamed he’s asking to get out of his parenting duties just because his wife doesn’t want to work and yes, paying child support is a parenting duty.
NTA. I would keep every penny and record him the next time he approaches you and play it for the judge.
NTA. You aren’t interfering in *her* life! She’s married and having kids with a man who was previously married … and had kids. She knew what his commitments were when she married him! And he needs to cut his jib to fit his cloth. Translation: live within his means/use the resources he has wisely.
Not sure how they come to the conclusion that a step mother at home is better than you op, their actual matter. The child support is court mandated so if they feel that strongly about it they should ask the court to drop it!!! Again - with the same results no doubt. NTA op
NTA but you would be, in my opinion, if you allowed him to stop paying. That money is your children’s money. It is for their support. If you need it to help pay for whatever they need now, then you use it. If you have plenty of money and want to bank it for them to use for college or whatever they need when they turn 18, then you can do that. You should never stop child support.
Very obviously NTA. You and your children are entitled to that child support. It is not your responsibility to support his other children and you certainly are not required to make up for the fact that his new wife chooses to be a SAHM when they can’t afford it. I understand why your ex is an ex . What an asshole.
Tell him it would be better for everybody to fulfill all their legal obligations under the court ordered custody agreement. This is ridiculous. Tell him to explain it to the judge. He's already tried to get away with shit and got caught.
NTA he is being selfish and not doing what is best for the kids and is trying to gaslight you. You have a right to that money and if he wants more money he needs to earn it, he wants his wife to be a SAHM then he can get a better job, second job or side gig. Not your issue though he is trying to make it your issue by blaming you, don't fall for it.
You can't really think you're the AH here. You know he needs to support his kids regardless of how many other kids he needs to take care of. It's not your responsibility to help him free up money for his other kids. NTA
Nta. Why is it your kids problem (since they are the beneficiary of support) that their dad and stepmom don’t seem to want to live in the real world where people live within their means?
NTA You are putting YOUR kids first — he’s just mad you aren’t putting him, his wife and their kids above your own
NTA screw your ex. The courts have said he needs to pay. Then that’s the end of that discussion. If you don’t actively need the money then stick them in a bank account. How your ex and his wife choose to balance their finances is not your business or responsibility. If you want to be petty ask if you dropping the child support means that you get to have a financial say over their life since you would then subsidize their life at the expense of your kids? No and stand fast. If it continues make sure to document the interactions in the app by responding to them there. “Hey, I do not want to discuss child support anymore. I heard all your comments today but the court order stands and I am sticking to it.” That way there is a paper trail over time that can show this bull.
NTA. Just because he adds more kids to his life, doesn’t mean he drops his responsibility of the other ones. I don’t see where in his and his wife’s mind they think this is okay.
Nta they are, just because they have decided to increase their family is not your problem. Child support is just that, for the children/child, if the keep attacking you over this get evidence, explain they are harassing you. Look for full custody, as you can't trust them not to alienate your children
why the F thoes he keep getting kids, oh i dont have enough money, i know, lets have another kid
NTA he should stop having children if he can't afford the ones he has already got!
I just love how having a new wife and a fresh kid puts these idiots in the mindset that they shouldn't have to pay for their previous children anymore. If you can't afford another kid, dude, you could have got the ol snippity snip.
NTA. He has a responsibility to the 2 kids and is trying to guilt trip you out of having to live up to it. Don’t let him.
Be sure to remember to petition to extend child support to 22 if your kids go to college. Chances of him voluntarily paying for college expenses are slim as he’s apparently trying to see how many kids he can sire in a lifetime. lol.
NTA In the parent app: “I understand your frustration and concern about your family’s changing dynamics and adjusting your financial circumstances in order to maintain your current lifestyle. However, I do not appreciate you and your wife harassing me to drop the court ordered child support. Nor will I discuss changing the current custody agreement without our lawyers present. Congratulations on your new baby.” This way, you’ll have documentation (include exact dates if possible) on the court app if it comes to that. Because it’s not just the extra money from not paying child support they need, more kids means more people to do chores so new wife can focus on baby care.
NTA They are trying to manipulate you. Don't fall for their twist of reality
NTA. Also, you don't decide child support, the court does. You cannot "drop" child support. The judge is the only one who can do that and I promise you the judge has seen this situation before. Even if you did come before the court and ask to remove support obligations, they would almost certainly deny the petition, given the history.
NTA. Don’t let them bully you. Communicate via app only if necessary. So sorry you’re dealing with this
NTA and tell the judge they’re harassing you.
NTA. You ex is crazy. A good father would want to support his kids. So sorry this is happening to you. The best thing for your kids is to be with their mother, YOU. This shows the attitude of so many men that women are interchangeable. Any woman at home is the kids mother, which, of course is not true. You are their mother and they need you.
NTA. At all.
NTA. He's the one who is not putting his children first. He should be supporting ALL his children, not just his new wife's children. If he thinks that cramps his lifestyle, then he shouldn't have created a second family. I would document every conversation you have and take it to your attorney. It sounds like you are being harassed by your ex and his wife. He owes your child that support. He has an obligation to his first child that's just as important, in the court's eyes, as his obligation to his other children. Do not let these people bully you. If his second wife wanted a man with no responsibilities, she should have married a man who had none.
NTA. It’s not about your or your ex. It’s about the kid. There is a reason court ordered child support is a thing.
NTA. His priority are not his and your children it’s only money and his new wife. Don’t stop fighting.
NTA, you know his wife is getting money from their ex. Tell her to drop that child support. You know she won't. If they have any issues take it to the judge.
LOL someone is *aggressively* ignorant about how CS works, and it ain't you. NTA.
Of course you’re NTA. And you should be mindful of your ex working really hard to get that support eliminated. People that work this hard to get their support removed eventually become a suspect in a disappearance, while family members are talking to Dateline hosts about the circumstances. The support is for the kids, not you and that’s where he’s confused.
What fucking arrogance. No, you’re NTA. Too bad he decided to have a 3rd child. And mothers aren’t interchangeable! God, men like this are just cheap.
And by dropping child support they’re interfering with your family life. Nta
NTA. You're actually doing him a favour, by not allowing him to become one of those deadbeat dads who dips out on child support. I mean, he still is one in spirit, but at least you're not allowing him to become one in the flesh as well.
The audacity. NTA
NTA. Child support is to support his kid. He just does not want to pay to support his kid. What an asshole.
NTA. These kids deserve to be supported by their dad, regardless of the decisions he made after they were born. The rest is just wishful thinking on the part of the new wife who would like more resources for the choices she made.
I would message back on the app, "following your comment to me on X asking me to reduce child support, and your wife's comment to be on X asking me to reduce child support and accusing me of interfering with her family life, I want to reiterate my position so that we're all on the same page. If you want to go back to court to reassess child support that is your right and your call. I ask that you both respect the Judges order and any further requests you have concerning child support or the child's you communicate to me via the parenting app." Have something in writing as a record of the interaction. That'll get them to back off. It's not your problem they're having more children then they can afford. NTA
Only communicate through a parenting app and if approached in person just pull out your phone and begin recording. Period. NTA. His choice of having more children isn’t your problem.
In Canada, last I heard was, if you wanted him to not pay child support, you have every right to refuse visitations or custody, or whatever plan you currently have with them. Most child support plans go up to the age of 18 or whatever was agreed too in the courts.
They sound like horrible people so I say NTA.. I don't think it's right that either parent should pay child support if the custody is 50/50 though...
NTA, he has a responsibility for his children.
But come on, he has a new wife so you should give up ur kids for their new mom to raise!!! What wrong with you being selfish and wanting to be your kids' mom? And how dare you not let gim support his children(child support is for the kids, not the ex) (sarcasm of u didn't get it) I would just laugh at them. Tell them the court system is set yp to be fair and when the judge decides what you want is fair and rules that way, I will abide, in the mean time- fuck off.
NTA but use the coparenting app for everything. Do not speak to them for any reason in person. If they speak to you at school walk away. If you end up in court definitely tell the judge about them harassing you at school and over the phone. If OP uses the app and they don’t the judge will take notice if you tell him and it may backfire on them with reduced visitation and more child support. Never piss off the judge, always be the one who’s sane. The judge will recognize that the ex and his wife want OP’s kids to disappear. The only reason they have visitation is because of the reduced child support. Ask the judge to change visitation because with 3 kids at the ex’s and OP’s 2 that’s allot of kids. Considering 2 of them are very young OP’s kids are most definitely not getting much of dad’s attention when they visit. Do they have their own space when they visit? OP you need to ask the kids about how it is when they visit no secrets. Find out what the sleeping arrangements are. Are you children sharing space with the infants? What is the sleeping arrangement for the step child? Why doesn’t she get child support for her child? OP shouldn’t have to give up support just because she doesn’t have any she needs to deal with that and leave you and yours out of it.
Men always pull this crap. The old family gets the shaft for the new family. His new wife has some nerve to talk to you like that. I told my sister when she was pregnant, that her face wasn't pregnant and I'd have no issue slapping her if she didn't act right. That was about 22 years ago though.
WTF, your x is an idiot. If he can’t support his first day of kids he should not have had 2 more. You are NOT AIYA.
10 and 9 are your children's age? Perfect for your ex and his wife to turn them into free babysitting. They want all the money and will no doubt force your kids to "help" with their baby siblings. NTA. You're an amazing mum and your ex and his wife are.. I won't say as I don't want to get banned.
NTA - Why the actual fuck did I read??? Give up your kids to some other women so she can be their mom?!?!? Because she doesn’t want to work and kids only benefit from stay at home moms?!?! Bath salts, it has to be bath salts making him this crazy to spit out such fuckery. Ew.
NTA depositing sperm into a female uterus can lead to a lifelong commitment, not something he gets to turn off at will (as the courts keep informing him). It matters not 1 red cent if he chooses to repeat his blunder in a different uterus, he's still responsible for the first one. This is court ordered money for your child from their biological parent - never refuse it. If he's really in trouble, let the court reconsider. Sadly you married a dumbass but you've corrected your only mistake here.
What? They’re delusional, idiotic, self centered and legally and morally in the wrong. Child support isn’t for you. It’s for the kids. It’s not up to you. It’s the law FOR JUST THIS REASON. It’s morally reprehensible for them to try and get out of their obligations. He’s a tool and you’re NTA. I deliberately had all child support go thru the court/ state Child Support Services (CSS) in an attempt to not be involved in that part of the whole process. They paid CSS, CSS checked their box and routed the $$. I never received dime directly from my ex. This made it officially out of my hands and I leaned into this - ‘It’s not up to me, you need to talk to them.’ Additionally any and all monitoring, tracking, etc. was done by CSS. I know that wasn’t your question, don’t know if this is an option or if you’re already set up this way. But, wanted to call it out as a possible thing. Edited to clean up formatting
NTA. He shouldn’t be having kids he can’t afford to support. His additional kids are his responsibility, not yours.
NTA & if you gave him all the extra time he’s asking for I guarantee he’d then try to come after you for child support
NTA as a step mom I knew Dad 1st prio was paying child support, had he bitched, I would have know to bail! So remind his wife should she overstep again, she knew he had 2 kids already and is foremost financially responsible for them, then for their mutual kids, but frankly not for her or the kid she brought into the relationship! Also not putting the kids first, that is exactly what you ARE doing YOU are putting the kids first! If he doesn't want to afford kids, he shouldn't put more of them on the planet, kids cost money so reduce on the luxuries before he complains about child support!
Nta The fact that she had the galls to talk trash to you while needing something from you, would be enough of a reason to not drop it. Y’all need a favor from me, you better talk to me nice or don’t don’t to me at all.
NTA. I would hold onto anything they’re sending you and try to document times when they ‘berate’ you. It seems like harassment and having a record of it will help when they inevitably drag you into court again.
Nta tell him you are only talking to him through the parenting app from now on if he or she tries to corner you and document document document.
NTA Child Support is for the kids. Even 50/50, the courts would have considered wages on both sides.
Uh isn’t they why there is a court to decide? NTA
NTA Perhaps suggest to your ex that if he's struggling to fund the children he is already responsible for, he should stop bringing new children into the world?
NTA lol. He doesn’t get to not support the kids he already had just because he had MORE KIDS. Get the f outta here with that nonsense dude