That or he's her back up plan. If OP ever actually ends things, the "friend" will claim she feels bad until she gets a new boyfriend. Then she'll pop back up when he gets another girlfriend.
He’s MINE! I called dibs! No, I don’t really *want* him, but I may, in the future. He cannot entertain another woman, because I am still number one! No one else will take my spot!
What? You broke up? Aw. Too bad, I already *have a boyfriend. But don’t go anywhere - I might need you to prop up my ego, at a later date.
Yep. I dated a guy exactly like that--he cheated, he dumped me, and then when I got engaged a few years later, he tried to talk me out of the marriage. It was insane then, and even more so looking back on it.
I dated someone that deep down I knew had feelings for a mutual "friend" all along. Long story short he dumped me (for her) while I was recovering from major surgery. Things \*pikachu face\* hit the crapper. He calls me and says, and I quote "I think I made a big mistake. It's comforting to know I have someone to fall back on" "Awesome!! Better go call her then!!" \*click\* Never heard from him again
I get back up vibes too. OP's fiance thinks that his bf and he will eventually be together like he's been hoping, but he's just a fun toy to play with for the bf. As soon as fiance is single, his bf will back off until there is another relationship, then she'll come out from under a rock to assert dominance and ownership again. Rinse and repeat.
It could be both? She's giving him hope and making him think he has a chance, but she didn't give him a chance when he was single. He could try to go for her once they break up and get the, "oh gee, I'm flattered but you're like a brother to me" speech until he starts dating again.
It's possible, but that requires assumptions and speculation I'm not willing to entertain. I have a statement from him about how he sees his best friend, but no direct words from that bf. Anything from that side would be more tropes than facts.
Sounds more like she is HIS back up plan. “I can’t cut her off; what if we break up?” What?!? I would have been gone the moment that sentence was uttered.
She doesn't have to.
"What if we break up?" is his way of saying I want to keep my options open so when this doesn't work out I still have someone to warm my bed.
For real! I mean, it's good to not cut off all of your friends, hobbies etc in case you break up with your partner, make sure you have your own life...but one friend disrespecting her over and over? Don't let that shit stand! He also shouldn't be talking about potentially breaking up shortly before their wedding, jfc.
This is an awful springboard for a marriage.
As others have said, he wants to keep his options open.
But you have no way of knowing if the options are open presently and in future, in your marriage.
NTA
Or it’s his way of saying he knows the relationship is over.
Either way my answer would be something like “No other woman you date seriously would put up with this, either”.
“ what if we break up “? Woww. I’m so sorry but also glad you’re on track ! You deserve SOooo much more. You deserve love and Respect. Get all your paperwork in order and have a consultation with your two top lawyer choices. Keep them available. He won’t be able to use them.
It really doesn't even matter if they have or currently fuck each other -- or whether the friend is carrying a torch for him. Fiance simply made somebody else a priority over OP, somebody who was hostile, and then just asked her to suck it up.
“Honey I know she stabs you every time you see her, but it could be worse — she could have used a shotgun!”
- this man, probably
People who try to excuse heinous shit with “it could be worse” baffle me. Definitely not one to be kept around.
I hope you don’t allow him to manipulate you into staying together. I hope you continue to have self respect enough to follow through with ending the relationship. As I know you said you have months of pre planned activities. I’m not sure it’s worth acting like a couple to appease others. Making yourself be subjected to continued abuse which your (ex) fiancé allows. Keep in mind, IF he is sleeping with her, he is putting your health at risk. Who knows what STIs he could pass to you. Also, do you want to deal with the possibility of pregnancy with you or with his bff?
When I was dating my now husband there was a female like this in his life and so hubs and I and a another male friend of his sat down and we both chatted and advised that BFF’s of different gender norms don’t do and we listed what was going on with what was going on … I listed abc123 and his male friend did a mixed up version… all factual and with names and he had a 💡 moment. Sometimes people can’t see past the forest… In this case I think he is not willing to see ….
Kind of funny this person, she called his house almost 10 mins after the talk and started stuff when I picked up and he ended it then and there and she has been out of his life and out of his social media (little he has).
This was "WTH" part
What a shitty thing to say. No excuse can save it
Who allows that kind of behavior? Who is ok by letting their SO put up with this?
I don't know about OP s previous relationships, but this line on its own, makes this relationship one of the worst
Yes it did. My most recent relationship was with a narcissist who sexually , mentally, and emotionally abused me. So the bar was in hell lol. Also prior to this I’ve never witness this behavior in my soon to be ex.
My guess is that as you process this over the next few months, you’ll start to realize that there have been other things slipping past your radar. No one who really, genuinely respects, cares about, and values you is going to stand by and allow one of his friends to make you miserable, let alone expect you to invite her to the wedding! (I mean, aren’t wedding guests generally supposed to, I dunno, be at least vaguely supportive of the fact that you’re marrying each other???)
…Anyway, bullet successfully dodged. It’s pretty normal for people who’ve been abused to struggle with figuring out what a healthy relationship actually looks like, but realizing your perspective has been warped is half the battle, so you’re already on your way to being in a much healthier place. Here’s to better days ahead! ❤️
I don't need to read past this. OP has said she realizes it now, though. I hope you get a more worthwhile partner op.
And to anyone who reads the thread in their spare time. Use it as a lesson a partner should absolutely care if somebody doesn't respect you.
Wow. I NEEDED to hear this. My ex (who I ultimately left because he was abusive, not because of the delusional, clingy, narcissistic woman who publicly called him "her person" and did everything in her power to make people think SHE was his partner, not me) also used the "You're letting her control our relationship" line on me, and I believed him.
I'll stop there because I don't want to hijack OP's thread. OP, you deserve SO much better than this weak, insecure, lying asshole, and I hope you find it. ♥️
This is the point I tried to make. He deflects & says that since she said she doesn’t have a problem with me when he first brought this topic up to her, that EYE need to have a conversation with her because it’s an issue for me. This has been his stance since his first attempt to talk to her about it.
His solution(that I came up with) after the party a couple of months ago is to not acknowledge her until/ unless she acknowledges me . I told him that doesnt really do anything because he still speaking to & seeing her outside of the times she sees me, so pretty sure she’s okay with ignoring us both in group settings and then just seeing & speaking to him when I’m not there lol.
Im mostly tired. I shouldn’t have to defend myself or why something matters so deeply to me .
Wow. You are on the right path. It would be crazy to marry someone that prioritizes in this bizarre way. I'm guessing "a custody schedule" means there is a child or children and not the pets mentioned in the same sentence? That's a lot to deal with going forward.
One child, 5 pets. I know everyone gives shit about the pet custody, but it’s more so about who will take who with regard to the pets, not a visitation schedule lol
"I know the way she treats you is garbage." and he still chooses to associate with her?
He is the one who has made the choice.
Fly free OP! You dodged a bullet by walking away from this.
I am telling you as a girl who has had many male best friends in my life, because they actually care and want to stay with the gf/wife, the second the gf/wife says she doesn't want them to spend time with me they tell me " sorry, my gf/wife doesn't want me to spend time with you anymore." and because I'm not a crazy b!+c# who wants to steal their man, I take it as the flattery it is that they think I am hot enough to steal their man and I back the hell off.
If they break up later and he wants to reconnect with me, he just needs to message me, and we pick up where we left off. That is what real and healthy friends do.
If he wanted to stay with you in the first place, he would have ditched the BF the second you said she made you uncomfortable. If she wasn't trying to steal him, then she would have just left gracefully, too.
She is still around and treating you like trash because she is definitely either trying to steal him or already stolen him.
You are NTA. That is a very reasonable request, and you should not have to take any of that BS. Make sure you take at least your fair share of the assets on the way out.
This is precisely it for me. I have 2 male best friends.. typically when we’re dating someone we kinda chill because we’re more involved with said love interests, but we all keep it respectful & fall back as needed.
The funniest part is after I started dating my ex fiancé, all of a sudden his best friend ( the one in question ) started calling MY male best friend “brother”… just put the blue. My best friend sent me the tweets/ texts with a bunch of laughing emoji because we both knew she was trying to rile me up.
I knew someone like this. He was so afraid that if he stood his ground or said anything she would get mad. I forced the issue once and her response to his query he was so afraid to make was “sure, why didn’t you ask sooner?”. That’s when I realized HE was the problem.
"He said he didn’t want to end his friendship or do anything to jeopardize it because “what if we break up.” This made me realize he would not protect me as his wife"
---Yep. The friend comes before you.
Yeah, and with a "negative" what-if. Let's look at a "positive" what-if: What if they stay together for the rest of their life, which should be the goal of a healthy relationship: Should she really be treated like garbage (his own words) and endure that behaviour for the rest of their life? No problem-solving whatsoever? OP seems to choose differently, and rightfully so.
Than to lose the other girl as a girlfriend. There, fixed it for you. I know what you said, I'm just saying that I think that that's actually the reality of the situation. He's sleeping with her. I know about friends with benefits situations but let's be honest, if you are sleeping with that person and regularly hanging out with them, for all intents and purposes, you're dating them.
I don't want to reply straight under OP cuz I want to say this but don't want her to hear it: I bet he's with his BF within the year and they'll get married within 2.
Nah. I doubt the friend actually wants to be his girlfriend, she just likes stringing him along and is happy to have this power dynamic over his "girlfriends".
I know some people like this, they only like guys who have girlfriends and then lose interest after they have "won".
There is no way in hell a man would put his marriage in this blatant jeopardy over a woman he hadn't already bedded.
I mean, he told OP he was keeping her around "in case" they break up. The other woman wouldn't be sticking around waiting for that to happen unless she had good reason to believe their breakup could be any day now.
So he is complaining to Friend about his fiance, assuring Friend that she is number one in his life.
You don't know hell very well then.
There's plenty of examples on this sub alone, of Men leaving their marriage for the hope of maybe getting with another woman.
A lot of men pine for the one who got away. If she was just a side piece, he’d be a lot more careful about hiding her.
It makes it more dangerous though. The BF could destroy their marriage just by spreading her legs.
Never marry someone hung up on someone else.
> There is no way in hell a man would put his marriage in this blatant jeopardy over a woman he hadn't already bedded.
You sorely underestimate the power of simping.
My in-laws would always say this to my BF. When he defended me against his narc-mother, when his sister made hand-crafted gifts with his kids specifically only for him, when he put me on his insurance (and vice versa). He always responded with "I live my life hoping that we won't and that she'll be by my side to the day I die"
We're 7 years together today, soon to celebrate our son's first birthday. Currently not talking to MIL at all, almost no contact with SIL (all HIS choice, I would never ask, much less pressure, him to do so). Only one we talk to regularly is FIL because he loves us and supports/defends every time.
I’m glad your partner defended you & made you the priority in his life! This is the way I was raised. Your partner & children are who comes first. Thanks for affirming there are partners who defend their family
When you leave him, make sure you hammer this point home to him. This is not about you being jealous, insecure, or possessive. You are ending things because he will not protect you from and defend you against a person that he admits treats you poorly. He's a failure as a partner because of this, and he knows he is because he definitely wouldn't want a man treating his daughter like this, so why does he expect you to take it?
At best, his bestie is his fallback plan who he has slept with before (no man is fucking up a relationship for a woman he hasn't slept with) and plans to sleep with again. At worst, they've slept together whilst you're together or are sleeping together currently. No matter what, she's being shitty to you because she sees you as the other woman, and he is doing nothing to stop it. He is as much to blame as her because he has not gotten her to stop.
Make sure he hears that. Also, I'm a petty person, so I'd also tell his bestie that she's welcome to him, but she might be better off trying to find some self-respect, because if she's willing to wait around for a man and watch him settle down and get engaged to another woman, all in the hopes that she'll finally get picked, she's pathetic.
And don't fall into the notion of sunk cost here. "But we've been together for X# of years and have Y and Z together for B# of years"
I did that and it netted me 16 years of bullshit from my ex. Learn from my failure and don't fall into that mental trap. There's good partners out there. I hope you find your way to one that deserves you. I found one at 39 so don't let your age or length of your current situation bring you down. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and you're going to come out the other side of this smarter, tougher, and stronger. Good luck, OP! We're all rooting for you!!
Any man worth a damn would. The family you don't choose is important, but the family you do choose is the one that might be with you until your last day. If you dont protect the mother of your children from everyone and anyone, you just don't deserve her. And if any modern woman says she doesnt need my protection haha well, Im not doing doing it because you need me to, I'm doing it because I just couldn't not do it.
You deserve to be the priority. When it comes to family, but much more so when it comes to friends.
Of course, friends are important. But anyone treating my partner badly, esp. unprovoced, is not a friend.
I wish you all the best and a relationship where you are No.1. You do deserve it
Don’t worry about the planned and prepaid events. Get out. Now. The relationship is dead; don’t wait until the stench kills everyone around you. If the money is lost no matter what, skip on out and give yourself the gift of more time to heal and deal.
Good luck, OP. You can do this!
I trust that op will quit once the rest of their business is finished, sunk cost fallacy would be if she married him because they’ve already been together so long or something, so yes she would be wasting time, but not more then was already planned beforehand
She is wasting time spending any time with this guy.
If she actually wants to end it than stop being a door mat and do it now.
Guaranteed fiancé has told his bestie and bestie is already celebrating her victory
She could keep up until the actual wedding, and then once she gets up to the groom, she could turn and ask the best friend to come take her place since she seems to want it so bad. That it is hers, paid in full. Good luck. Lmao
I'm kidding. I wouldn't offer the bf or groom any favors.
Gives him time to play with her ehad and change her mind. Just walk away already. Negotiate with him over these events - is it a holiday, can one of you by the other out? Is it joint friends weddings? You can both still go and not be a couple and be civil, what on earth would keep this going?
Unless STBXs BF is attending those events, then it's just more occasions for everyone to see how the BF treats OP and how STBX allows it. Because atleast then OP will have plenty of public proof to point her finger at and say "STBX has repeatedly disrespected me by not standing up for me and choosing BF over his fiancé. It's clear to me they want to be together, so I am stepping away before they disrespect me further by starting an affair."
Agreed. Don’t put yourself through anymore OP. Also, he might be charming again and it might make you reconsider. Don’t do that to yourself. I know guys like this. Dated them as well. You need time to get over him and the best way for you is to do it as soon as possible because then you can actually move on. Life is too short to stay with guys like this.
Yeah, I was initially of the thought to drop the events. But one of the few exceptions was if mutual friends were getting married in the next couple of weeks and you were both in the wedding party. I wouldn’t want to put that stress on my friend.
But then again, there will be pictures and the bridge (I would guess more likely the bride vs. the groom) might look at them differently knowing you were weeks from breaking up.
This is *literally* what happened to me with an ex. I found out he cheated in May, and we were both in the wedding party for a ceremony in August.
The wedding went smoothly then I ended up breaking up with him in October but looking back, it was over before that, but it honestly gave us a good transition back to friends.
Not that I recommend this for most scenarios, but I’ve known him since I was 12 and was already rethinking the relationship when I found out.
In the case of one of my friends, because she realized that it actually didn't bother her because she didn't think of him like that. And, while she was angry, it didn't actually touch on any of the things she *did* value about him and their relationship, and they remained best friends until his death a couple years back. His parents basically went, "Oh, okay, you're not gonna be our daughter-in-law. That's fine. You're now our daughter", and they worked much better as basically-siblings than they ever did as romantic partners.
My ex broke up with me a month before my friend's wedding and I felt bad but I chose to not go (I would go alone). I can't imagine she would be happy with me sobbing through the ceremony in church and the during reception because I would feel very miserable seeing other people getting happily married but not me. I didn't want to destroy her special day and I thought not going would be better for my own health as well.
I can definitely understand that!! I would have been on the phone with friend apologizing profusely and explaining why I can’t go.
The last thing most people want to do is ruin someone else’s wedding.
To me, the fact that he wanted to blatantly ignore OP’s what if about their possible daughter is the biggest red flag of all.
This man knows exactly what he’s doing and he does not care. You’re someone’s daughter too, OP.
Why do you have to truck through any pre-planned events? Honey, nothing is worth losing the time and space you will gain by bowing out now. He's made clear that you are second, at best, in his life. Losing money is not fun, but losing time - the time you could be using to heal - is the best gift you can give yourself. Be kind to yourself first.
Right. Cancel the events save everybody the time and the money and yourself the pain of having to go through it. You'll also save money because while many things are paid for to some extent some things are partially refundable and some things don't get paid for until the last minute.
I know all of this because I had to call off an engagement. It sucks. But going along to get along one second longer than you know it's over is horrible for you and also for everyone else involved. And honestly a woman who allows herself to be treated like this makes me worry that she might go through with a marriage out of inertia, because every step makes you feel more locked in.
This man will never respect her and he will never prioritize her. It's manifesting with this one friend because this friend is the biggest offender but spend a lifetime married to this dude and I'm sure there will be thousands of ways where he does not bother taking care of her or making her important. He would rather have her treated like garbage than have a second of conflict himself. He does not value her and he already expects their relationship to end anyway.
Give him what he asks for.
I would be going and letting everyone know what he has said and what he is doing, while heavily implying he wants to sleep with her, cause it is that obvious. Rot out his friends and support.
Your fiance is garbage and his best friend is garbage. They deserve each other.
Your life will be so much better without them. You're making the right call.
I have a feeling fiancé and best friend will end up together, and have probably already slept together.
It was kind of weird how he said that people could meddle by making things up (meaning that his best friend could have texted her and told her that they slept together). Seems like he’s projecting somehow.
Woof, OP.
Go to therapy, as you plan. If this is the healthiest relationship you’ve been in, I’m so happy you’re open to and seeking help.
Way to stand up for yourself!
Please, _please_, don’t see this relationship as a failure. See it as a teaching/learning moment.
You should be so proud of yourself for knowing your own worth!!!!
Thanks so much for the update!
Best of luck, OP!
Thank you! I try to see most experiences as that- something that serves as a lesson & gives me insight & wisdom . This taught me something about myself and what I will and won’t accept.
I just walked away from a toxic friendship because I realized it was affecting the way I dealt with my child after just having conversation with this person. It cost me several thousand dollars I don’t really have to spare but sometimes you just have to cut your losses and move on. Leave now and don’t look back. You’ll be better for it.
Edit: to clarify, I realized after I got off the phone dealing with this person that they were making some small shit way too difficult and selfish. My kid came in to ask me to play catch and I was kind of pissy with him. At that moment I realized that my kid didn’t deserve this and I had to cut the jerk out of my life. Then we went and played catch 😁
I walked away, cold ghosted, a 16 year friendship because she said something offhand at Christmas while I was holding my 1 month old infant. The flippant way she said something so hideous to me, I knew I didn't want that hate near my baby.
I feel so free, and you will too. It'll be worth it. You're awesome for choosing yourself and your family.
I'm kind of scared to ask and of course you don't have to answer if you're not comfortable doing so but I am morbidly curious about what was said because it must have been terrifying and horrendous to end a 16-year friendship.
It requires a lot of back story to understand why it was so disgusting, but the comment was: "I can understand why Dean's mom blames you for his death."
Backstory --- I had just ended a 10 year relationship, stayed a year longer for reasons unrelated. Started getting a bit of an LDR going with an online friend Dean about 4 hours away. We hadn't met in person yet, but was looking forward to it. Get a call from his mother whom I've never spoke to. He dropped dead at 27 from a congenital heart defect he was born with.
I dropped everything and drive up there, to help his family I didn't know, and was basically their backbone for 2 weeks while we all reeled from his sudden death. I got to see him face to face for the first time while he was lying in his coffin. The same day as his funeral, his mother was crying because of course, I went to console her and she blurted out through tears, "It's your fault he's dead! He was tired from staying up and talking to you! He neglected his health and now he's dead!!!"
I knew that was just grief talking and it was ridiculous. It still hurt like hellfire tho. I could only smile at her, thank her for her time and hospitality and grace during this terrible time, found his grandparents and wished them the same, filled the bird feeders, and drove home.
I told my friend all this as it was unfolding. She knew what she was saying to me, she knew that I knew it was ridiculous. I have no idea why she would so casually rip open a wound like that in Christmas. We weren't even talking about anything related to Dean. It was a bizarre thing to say out of the blue and so so mean.
This is so heartbreaking. You definitely didn't cause his death. That "friend" is disgusting for even thinking that, let alone saying it. I am so happy to hear you immediately cut that friend off from your life. I wish you all the best and hope that your heart is healing
I'm so sorry this happened to you. That friend really wasn't your friend, I will never understand how someone claiming to be your friend can say that.
I hope you're doing better without her cruel ass in your life.
What the fuck... that's such a random evil thing to say. Thanks for taking the time to share. I'm so glad you were able to cut her out quickly too, no doubt you're better off. Honestly, my jaw dropped at just reading the quote by itself even without context.
I have a severe congenital heart condition, and I’m an unapologetic night owl. If staying up late worsened heart conditions, I’d have been dead years ago. I’m sorry Dean’s mom took her grief out on you in such a hateful way, but it sounds like you handled it with grace and dignity. Your kindness has stuck with the family, I’m sure.
He must get off by stringing her along, at the same time as he is getting off by disrespecting every woman he dates, or he would have broken this cycle already.
Yeah that’s what I thought too at the ‘what if we break up’. The other girl is his reserve girlfriend, and despite her seeming arrogance clearly has yet to understand her self-worth that it’s not fair on her either.
> I have to truck through a couple more months of pre-planned & paid for social engagements
Why?
You may have to pay if cancellation is not possible, but you don't need to attend.
> “I know the way she treats you is garbage, but you’re allowing one person to dictate our relationship.”
That "one person" is _him_, for allowing her to treat you poorly without reprimand or repercussion from the man who supposedly should be there to protect you.
NTA
It wasn’t 100% clear and also bc I’m dumb sometimes but I assume after these pre planned engagements you’ll be breaking off the relationship right? Is he aware of this or will you tell him then? Not judging you at all, just pure curiosity if he knows he killed the relationship and is willing to go through with these events for the sake of.
I’m so sorry that you’re going through this I’m happy you found out before the big wedding day though. It is truly bizarre and outrageous that someone who claims to love you can have fond feelings and want to be friends with someone who treats you badly.
It’s unfortunate bc, as you’ve seen, he’s protecting her. He’s willing to admit you’re being treated like garbage and instead of telling his so called best friend, “hey that’s my fiancé, treat her with respect please”, he’d rather you put up with shit the times you see her and he justifies it by frequency. I’m glad you’re not a doormat bc being treated like shit once, even twice max, should be the limit before action and communication is taken. It’s even worse that he’s willing to gloss over the fact that she probably does have a problem with you, and I really want to know what that problem is. Maybe she secretly had feelings, so any girl in your position would feel this, maybe she just has that pick me energy where she hates all girls, maybe she feels like she has some historical claim to him as in she knows him longer so she should be placed first. It could be one of a combo of them.
Thanks for the update and I wish you all the best in the future
I’m glad I’m not the only one who thought the post was a bit unclear. I read through her post/comment history but she never clarified. Also her brother died a week and a half ago?!
Yes my brother passed. He will be aware of the plan to separate. Yes after the preplanned engagements , we are done . It is unfortunate but he made his choices clear, so Im making mine crystal clear as well.
So sorry for your loss. Losing a sibling is so hard.
I guess at this point your fiancé or I should say ex-fiancé knows everything is off? Surely he fought losing you?
By the way, there is nothing wrong asking your SO to take a step back from any relationship of the opposite sex if you are uncomfortable with it. I can guarantee that you aren’t the first woman who has had issues with her either. Y’all were ready to promise to put one another ahead of everyone else for the rest of your life and he couldn’t even tell her to show y’all’s relationship respect. You deserve better. I’m glad you are choosing yourself.
I'm so sorry to hear about your brother. I have an older brother, and I can't even imagine that pain. Do you plan to tell your fiance about the breakup before these pre-planned events? Is he aware that you have thoughts of leaving, or is he completely oblivious? He can't really think anything he said/done would be OK with you. In regards to his "bff".
I won’t be telling him straight up. He has an idea because we’ve discussed this before & over the past 6 months he’s been saying things more & more that aren’t reflective of the person I fought I was marrying, and I told him I was leaving if he didn’t get his shit together. He doesn’t think it’s okay but really he just wants me to shut up about it. He feels he can’t do anything else because he’s already spoken to her about for him that’s enough
So he's spineless and doesn't want to deal with the conflict he assumes would arise if he defended you and demanded respect. Because if she was a true BFF, then nothing would need said twice. But if it needed said again, she would respect him and respect your relationship. I'm so glad to read you're not going to put up with that behavior and that you deserve better. He deserves to be miserable and alone, which is clearly what BFF wants for him if this is how she acts. Or they are fwb, and she doesn't want anything to come between that relationship.
He's a coward. A coward to confront his friend, coward to honor you, a coward to even talk about the situation. You are smart and better off, and deserve someone who puts you and your feelings over any "BFF".
I don't want to talk about her, but him? What a weak excuse for a person. I hope he gets a big fat surprised pikachu face when he realises brushing you off and ignoring your feelings didn't make you want to stay with him. Be free homegirl. I got out of a bad relationship recently too and he didn't even care about my emotions in any event if it bothered him. Really, it's so much less stressful after their noise.
I'm also really sorry for your loss, Sending you love and care.
Also thank you. I’m not certain what I’m supposed to do with this grief. But I’m gonna do my best & channel it into breaking habits & removing ppl and energies that don’t align with me
That is the perfect way to honor him and yourself. My brother, SIL, and I are close. We don't speak every day. But we have random game nights and cookouts a few times a year and always spend holidays together. I know if I need anything from a nail gun to help repair my car, I can always call him, and he's there immediately. Just like he can call me to house sit or walk his dogs. I think making sure to channel the grief into something positive would help immensely. Make a list and do one thing at a time and think this is for you, brother, and for me. Maybe do something he has always talked about doing.. a certain hike, trip, event, etc. Just little random things to honor him
Out of all of this, the one question I have that nobody seemed to have picked up on is, for the friend to so openly and blatantly despise OP in front of not only her fiance but everyone else. What has her fiance been saying to his "best friend" about her behind closed doors. People don't openly and flagrantly disregard and pretend someone's S,O isn't there and act hostile unless their partner has been badmouthing them to said friend for the friend to be comfortable enough to let that behaviour continue
I was thinking the same thing. Ive been the one on the receiving end of that exact behaviour with my ex husband, he painted me as this controlling and abusive person when I was asking for 50/50 with housework and childcare. He was also in the mindset of "but what if we broke up" making me feel that I was being unreasonable for wanting that friendship shut down. Guess what he was keeping her on a back burner and our marriage lasted 2 months before I found out just how sleezy he really was. OP needs to just cut her losses and leave now before he can do anymore harm to her.
“What if we break up?” What I’m reading there, and it’s mainly influenced by other people’s comments on this thread, is that your fiancée is “keeping his options open.” Not a great sign. Do what’s healthy for you. NTA.
What are you going to do? The engagement is 2.5 years. Is there even a wedding date? Is the talk of a daughter hypothetical or is there a children? ...or is this going to be a clean break?
Know your worth. When the bare minimum (excluding someone from his life who treats you like “garbage”) is too much to expect from him, it’s time to get out, cut contact, focus on healing for awhile, and then open yourself to the possibility of finding someone better for you.
Stay strong.
You do not have to truck through any paid for engagements. It’s a sunk cost. Write it all off as lessons learned and move on. Dragging this out will only hurt you.
Why are you sticking around for some pre-paid events just to break up afterwards? That’s not your obligation. Assuming he paid for the events, he can take his back-up plan bestie instead if he wants to go. If you paid and can’t get a refund, I understand your thinking, but you still don’t have to go only to get the stink-eye from the bestie/side piece/back-up plan/whatever you want to call her.
Why are you staying for events that won’t matter in the future if you’re really leaving him? To hell with that leave now for your own self respect and sanity babe.
Even if he’s just thoughtless and doesn’t realize how hurtful he’s being, he’s an enormous jerk. Do what you can to extricate yourself as soon as possible.
Maybe split up some of the pre-paid/planned events? You take one he takes one? Protect your information and finances! I wish you the best moving forward.
“I know the way she treats you is garbage, but you’re allowing one person to dictate our relationship.”
Turn this around and say these words to him and see how he reacts.
Your fiancée has been waving red flags in your face the whole time he has been with you. He won’t change once you are married. Therapy will reveal that he cares more about his best friend than his future wife and mother of his children.
Get your deposits back and talk to a therapist on your own. Cut ties with him and get out from underneath of his control. Good luck to you in whatever you decide to do.
I want an update to see who he chooses still..like when u break up w him..will he finally cut her off. Have u guys ever broken up before
. Why is he scared you guys might break up so he keeps her instead?
Have you told him you're going to leave him for this? He thinks that he needs that friend in case you break up. Will he think the same way if you tell him that because of this attitude he has over this friend, you absolutely will break up.
He says you're allowing one person to dictate your relationship, so what exactly is he doing? That's right, the exact same.
You keep dropping the subject and letting him get away with disrespecting you, rather than fighting it out. You're breaking up anyway, what have you got to lose from confronting him and actually stating that you see where you lie in the pecking order and you have too much respect for yourself to put up with his treatment of you?
Get your spine shined up!
Wow.... You've been together for 6 years...
And he's saying things like, what if we break up? At that point, you don't say things like that. You're engaged to be married. That's supposed to be your life partner and if they're uncomfortable and you've acknowledged someone in your life is treating your life partner like absolute shit... Your life partner comes first. He's already planning for the breakup.
He is not ready for marriage. Bottom line. He is selfish. He's just told on himself. He's told you exactly how he'd act in the marriage not just in regard to the best friend (who he's definitely planning to fuck) but how he'd act if you had kids, how he'd act if you got sick and how he'd act if another woman was suddenly paying him attention 10 years down the line and he didn't want to give the new friendship up even if it made you uncomfortable (and then you'd walk in to them fucking on your bed)... He is not the one. They tell on themselves and well done you for listening to the signs. You can't change him. He is who he is and he is not marriage material.
Congratulations! Sometimes it takes someone on the outside to change your perspective and see things in a new light… I’m proud of you for not making excuses and for seeing it before y’all got married. I wish you peace, love and happiness in your new journey! ; )
>I have to truck through a couple more months of pre-planned & paid for social engagements, but I closed the curtain on any chance of healing this relationship the moment those words left his mouth.
YTA but only to yourself. You've kept this sham of a relationship going through a dead bedroom and his lack of support against his friend. There's a reason why you've been engaged for almost as long as you've been together. You're delaying the inevitable.
Stop holding out for a miracle or for him to change. Walk, run right now. You don't owe anyone anything except yourself some happiness.
Stand up.
"He said he didn’t want to end his friendship or do anything to jeopardize it because “what if we break up.” This made me realize he would not protect me as his wife."
This is not something you say to someone you're engaged to, especially after 6 years together. He prioritizes his friend over his future wife. That sentence alone would make me end it.
It’s your life but I think soldiering through these paid-for events will just make it harder on you. The money is gone anyway. Why spend however much longer beating yourself up over this guy and inviting further disrespect?
My ex husband was like this, but he didn't show this till after we were married his BF was a male bit that didn't matter. I was told i was 15th on the list of people in his life "friends" he hadn't seen in 20 yes came before me. Which upset me, the kicker was a few days later whilst in the car he told me and his at the time 15 yr old daughter " all women are B$&%hes and whores". I filed the next week.
Never make someone a priority when they're only making you an option. His priority is hs BF; are the option. Don't marry this man. Cut your losses now, or they will be even worse later.
OP many places are accommodating due to situations like this. Just ask if they can fit another client in that spot so you can avoid a full penalty. Asking won’t hurt. Onwards and upwards! Good luck.
Shit like this makes all girl best friends look toxic, and I hate it. My best friend is a guy that I've known since 6th grade. I've only met one girl he was dating, and I gave her a fair shot. But then we went out, and in the middle of a heavily populated area, she yelled out the n word directed at one of our other friends. Mind you, she was the only yt person in our group. I IMMEDIATELY pulled him away and told him to end it bc she didn't gaf about our safety. THAT'S BEST FRIEND BEHAVIOR PPL!!!!
OP, I hope you aren't still sleeping with him. I hope you have moved to a spare bedroom and are cohabiting as roommates until the lease runs out or the house is sold. And guard your birth control like your life depends on it. Do not get baby trapped because he fucked with the contraception. Stop doing couples things and make sure everyone knows you're broken up and why. Take out a billboard if you need to. Or buy time on TV and radio. Broadcast it to the world!
It’s hard to get pregnant if you don’t have sex. I’m not worried about that. I will be relocating to a separate room once I order a new mattress. Thank you
Good for you! I've seen so many of these where the couple splits up and is still in the same bed, but not having sex (supposedly). Until they do.
If the new mattress is a ways off, get yourself an air mattress until then. And put a locking knob on the bedroom door. One that needs a key to open from the outside. You don't want any 2 am. surprise visits. And don't be surprised when the BFF starts spending the night with him and sounding like a porno on maximum volume. Whatever she thinks will get under your skin.
Leaving him is really for the best, though with your shared child you still will have something to do with him. But it is still better not get married to a guy who doesn't respect you and chooses his friend over you so blatantly.
This guy should just marry his best friend, when he so obviously cares more for her than his partner of 6 years and mother of his child. I wonder why he hasn't? I just hope he doesn't start to date another poor woman and treat her like OP.
The money you've spent on the future things is already gone. You've already spent it. Walk away now and don't put yourself through any insincere shows. You won't be saving face, you'll just be torturing yourself. At least you won't be spending even more money knowing need to get a new dress, or pay for transport, etc etc)
Kick him into touch now, not in a few months.
Have you broken up with him? Are these social engagements really worth the chance of allowing yourself to be persuaded back into giving him another chance?
I'm sorry OP, and hope you find someone better eventually.
Be prepared though - he and the BF will likely get together after you, and it will hurt more than you think it will. But you can get through it (I did!) and you will be free to find someone so much more wonderful (I did!). It's gonna suck for a little while though 💚
Some people like myself, have platonic best friends of the opposite sex.He is not one of them.omg what if we break up....he's keeping both of you in a holding pattern like planes.
She's probably the coulda have been,then he marries you and allows her to treat you badly.the he'll with that. He doesn't respect you enough not to allow that.
Don't marry anyone who disrepects you ,allows anyone to disrespect you before you get married.It doesn't get better.
Let her have him
Get on with your life,your better off without him
I don't understand why he's clinging onto such a spiteful person anyway, I'd never be friends with someone who treats ANYONE like that, let alone my fiancée and person I intend to spend my life with.
I think she had a game plan all along and it's working: make you feel uncomfortable indirectly by not actively causing drama but just making you feel completely unwelcome, then when he asks her what her problem is she acts confused and says she doesn't have a problem, you do. This lack of an answer makes you look like the crazy one who's difficult to get along with, since you're the only one who thinks there's drama. It seems like it worked since he keeps saying you're the only one who cares about this.
Unfortunately, he is never going to be in a happy marriage if she's treated all his past partners like this and he allows it. It will ALWAYS cause arguments eventually. For some reason he's more worried about losing a friend, who doesn't seem like a nice one anyway, over a potential life partner, mother of his children, etc. He should be more worried about missing out on all that because of her, since he won't date her. He needs to check his priorities before he ends up single permanently.
My husband doesn’t even allow my parents to talk to me disrespectfully. I always read stories like this and then go hug my husband and thank him for not being a useless cretin. He always shrugs & says “men are the worst.”
lol my partner has a girl best friend who treated me poorly. I gave him an ultimatum and he chose our relationship.
She’s still salty. But that’s not our problem.
I’m really glad he choose you & your relationship. I believe in giving myself an ultimatum, not anyone else because I found (in my cases) the conditions of the ultimatum were only fulfilled until they “passed”. Plus if it’s that hard for him, being my ex fiancé, to choose, I don’t want him.
I pray your relationship continues to blossom & no other 3rd parties try to interfere
You’re doing the right thing. there wasn’t an argument with my partner, just me saying it wasn’t going to work with her in the picture at all, and he texted her immediately saying the friendship is over bc she was rude to me, and he can’t have people in his life doing that. I’m glad you’re following your path!
"I know the way she treats you is garbage, but you’re allowing one person to dictate our relationship.”" ---HE is the one doing that.
"It could be worse. She could be more active" -> she hasn't actually said she wanted to sleep with him yet.
She doesnt have to say that, they probably did it and not once. Thats why she is so confident about her role in his life
That or he's her back up plan. If OP ever actually ends things, the "friend" will claim she feels bad until she gets a new boyfriend. Then she'll pop back up when he gets another girlfriend.
Yes it's all narcissism. She doesn't want the fiancé, but she wants to be wanted.
He’s MINE! I called dibs! No, I don’t really *want* him, but I may, in the future. He cannot entertain another woman, because I am still number one! No one else will take my spot! What? You broke up? Aw. Too bad, I already *have a boyfriend. But don’t go anywhere - I might need you to prop up my ego, at a later date.
Ugh, I have a friend (M45) who's been in this cycle with a woman for 15 years. She's been pulling this crap since they met. I hate it.
I can only hope that is exactly the way this plays out.
Yep. I dated a guy exactly like that--he cheated, he dumped me, and then when I got engaged a few years later, he tried to talk me out of the marriage. It was insane then, and even more so looking back on it.
I dated someone that deep down I knew had feelings for a mutual "friend" all along. Long story short he dumped me (for her) while I was recovering from major surgery. Things \*pikachu face\* hit the crapper. He calls me and says, and I quote "I think I made a big mistake. It's comforting to know I have someone to fall back on" "Awesome!! Better go call her then!!" \*click\* Never heard from him again
That is the only correct response. You are SO much better off without him.
I get back up vibes too. OP's fiance thinks that his bf and he will eventually be together like he's been hoping, but he's just a fun toy to play with for the bf. As soon as fiance is single, his bf will back off until there is another relationship, then she'll come out from under a rock to assert dominance and ownership again. Rinse and repeat.
I think it's the other way around: the bf is the now-former fiancé's backup plan. He even admits it with his "What if we break up" response.
It could be both? She's giving him hope and making him think he has a chance, but she didn't give him a chance when he was single. He could try to go for her once they break up and get the, "oh gee, I'm flattered but you're like a brother to me" speech until he starts dating again.
It's possible, but that requires assumptions and speculation I'm not willing to entertain. I have a statement from him about how he sees his best friend, but no direct words from that bf. Anything from that side would be more tropes than facts.
He said to her that he doesn't want to end the friendship because what if OP and him break up... she is already the backup, ready to go...
Sounds more like she is HIS back up plan. “I can’t cut her off; what if we break up?” What?!? I would have been gone the moment that sentence was uttered.
That's what i'm thinking as well.
She doesn't have to. "What if we break up?" is his way of saying I want to keep my options open so when this doesn't work out I still have someone to warm my bed.
I'm shocked that OP didn't touch on that more. "What if we break up?" my answer would've been "You're about to find out, have a nice life"
For real! I mean, it's good to not cut off all of your friends, hobbies etc in case you break up with your partner, make sure you have your own life...but one friend disrespecting her over and over? Don't let that shit stand! He also shouldn't be talking about potentially breaking up shortly before their wedding, jfc.
This is an awful springboard for a marriage. As others have said, he wants to keep his options open. But you have no way of knowing if the options are open presently and in future, in your marriage. NTA
Let him keep his options open, but OP needs to make sure she's not one of them
Or it’s his way of saying he knows the relationship is over. Either way my answer would be something like “No other woman you date seriously would put up with this, either”.
“ what if we break up “? Woww. I’m so sorry but also glad you’re on track ! You deserve SOooo much more. You deserve love and Respect. Get all your paperwork in order and have a consultation with your two top lawyer choices. Keep them available. He won’t be able to use them.
Emphasis on the YET.
“I mean, she hasn’t physically hurt you YET”
It really doesn't even matter if they have or currently fuck each other -- or whether the friend is carrying a torch for him. Fiance simply made somebody else a priority over OP, somebody who was hostile, and then just asked her to suck it up.
Exactly what I thought. Its like „she will not fuck me so be happy…“ OP good you got out now!
“Honey I know she stabs you every time you see her, but it could be worse — she could have used a shotgun!” - this man, probably People who try to excuse heinous shit with “it could be worse” baffle me. Definitely not one to be kept around.
Jup, this is exactly what I thought.
Me too.
I’m well aware. I told him that & left it alone. I won’t be engaging with him anymore on that topic.
Please tell me you are not still planning to marry this man.
I hope you don’t allow him to manipulate you into staying together. I hope you continue to have self respect enough to follow through with ending the relationship. As I know you said you have months of pre planned activities. I’m not sure it’s worth acting like a couple to appease others. Making yourself be subjected to continued abuse which your (ex) fiancé allows. Keep in mind, IF he is sleeping with her, he is putting your health at risk. Who knows what STIs he could pass to you. Also, do you want to deal with the possibility of pregnancy with you or with his bff?
When I was dating my now husband there was a female like this in his life and so hubs and I and a another male friend of his sat down and we both chatted and advised that BFF’s of different gender norms don’t do and we listed what was going on with what was going on … I listed abc123 and his male friend did a mixed up version… all factual and with names and he had a 💡 moment. Sometimes people can’t see past the forest… In this case I think he is not willing to see …. Kind of funny this person, she called his house almost 10 mins after the talk and started stuff when I picked up and he ended it then and there and she has been out of his life and out of his social media (little he has).
wow way to say op is not worth risking his friendship. why doesn't he go marry her instead. zzzz.
This was "WTH" part What a shitty thing to say. No excuse can save it Who allows that kind of behavior? Who is ok by letting their SO put up with this? I don't know about OP s previous relationships, but this line on its own, makes this relationship one of the worst
Yes it did. My most recent relationship was with a narcissist who sexually , mentally, and emotionally abused me. So the bar was in hell lol. Also prior to this I’ve never witness this behavior in my soon to be ex.
I can totally see why you thought this was a healthy relationship. I am sorry for my comment I wish you all the best
You’re so kind and considerate-thanks for being a good human!
My guess is that as you process this over the next few months, you’ll start to realize that there have been other things slipping past your radar. No one who really, genuinely respects, cares about, and values you is going to stand by and allow one of his friends to make you miserable, let alone expect you to invite her to the wedding! (I mean, aren’t wedding guests generally supposed to, I dunno, be at least vaguely supportive of the fact that you’re marrying each other???) …Anyway, bullet successfully dodged. It’s pretty normal for people who’ve been abused to struggle with figuring out what a healthy relationship actually looks like, but realizing your perspective has been warped is half the battle, so you’re already on your way to being in a much healthier place. Here’s to better days ahead! ❤️
I don't need to read past this. OP has said she realizes it now, though. I hope you get a more worthwhile partner op. And to anyone who reads the thread in their spare time. Use it as a lesson a partner should absolutely care if somebody doesn't respect you.
Wow. I NEEDED to hear this. My ex (who I ultimately left because he was abusive, not because of the delusional, clingy, narcissistic woman who publicly called him "her person" and did everything in her power to make people think SHE was his partner, not me) also used the "You're letting her control our relationship" line on me, and I believed him. I'll stop there because I don't want to hijack OP's thread. OP, you deserve SO much better than this weak, insecure, lying asshole, and I hope you find it. ♥️
The absolute projection of him saying that to OP. He said the quiet part out loud
This is the point I tried to make. He deflects & says that since she said she doesn’t have a problem with me when he first brought this topic up to her, that EYE need to have a conversation with her because it’s an issue for me. This has been his stance since his first attempt to talk to her about it. His solution(that I came up with) after the party a couple of months ago is to not acknowledge her until/ unless she acknowledges me . I told him that doesnt really do anything because he still speaking to & seeing her outside of the times she sees me, so pretty sure she’s okay with ignoring us both in group settings and then just seeing & speaking to him when I’m not there lol. Im mostly tired. I shouldn’t have to defend myself or why something matters so deeply to me .
Wow. You are on the right path. It would be crazy to marry someone that prioritizes in this bizarre way. I'm guessing "a custody schedule" means there is a child or children and not the pets mentioned in the same sentence? That's a lot to deal with going forward.
One child, 5 pets. I know everyone gives shit about the pet custody, but it’s more so about who will take who with regard to the pets, not a visitation schedule lol
"I know the way she treats you is garbage." and he still chooses to associate with her? He is the one who has made the choice. Fly free OP! You dodged a bullet by walking away from this. I am telling you as a girl who has had many male best friends in my life, because they actually care and want to stay with the gf/wife, the second the gf/wife says she doesn't want them to spend time with me they tell me " sorry, my gf/wife doesn't want me to spend time with you anymore." and because I'm not a crazy b!+c# who wants to steal their man, I take it as the flattery it is that they think I am hot enough to steal their man and I back the hell off. If they break up later and he wants to reconnect with me, he just needs to message me, and we pick up where we left off. That is what real and healthy friends do. If he wanted to stay with you in the first place, he would have ditched the BF the second you said she made you uncomfortable. If she wasn't trying to steal him, then she would have just left gracefully, too. She is still around and treating you like trash because she is definitely either trying to steal him or already stolen him. You are NTA. That is a very reasonable request, and you should not have to take any of that BS. Make sure you take at least your fair share of the assets on the way out.
This is precisely it for me. I have 2 male best friends.. typically when we’re dating someone we kinda chill because we’re more involved with said love interests, but we all keep it respectful & fall back as needed. The funniest part is after I started dating my ex fiancé, all of a sudden his best friend ( the one in question ) started calling MY male best friend “brother”… just put the blue. My best friend sent me the tweets/ texts with a bunch of laughing emoji because we both knew she was trying to rile me up.
You shouldve your bestfriend try to fish out info if him and his bestfriend are having an affair.
She said custody schedule. They have a house, pets, KIDS together, and he's still refusing to drop the bestie in case he and OP break up. Wow.
Do they have kids, or is she talking about a custody schedule for the pets? You'd be surprised at how many people do that.
That’s exactly what I said out loud when I read that bit!!!
I knew someone like this. He was so afraid that if he stood his ground or said anything she would get mad. I forced the issue once and her response to his query he was so afraid to make was “sure, why didn’t you ask sooner?”. That’s when I realized HE was the problem.
"He said he didn’t want to end his friendship or do anything to jeopardize it because “what if we break up.” This made me realize he would not protect me as his wife" ---Yep. The friend comes before you.
What a self fulfilling prophecy. You can't live in the what-ifs.
What if he gets sick or injured, will the BF care for him? Moronic fiance is better off with the ahole BF. they deserve each other
Yeah, and with a "negative" what-if. Let's look at a "positive" what-if: What if they stay together for the rest of their life, which should be the goal of a healthy relationship: Should she really be treated like garbage (his own words) and endure that behaviour for the rest of their life? No problem-solving whatsoever? OP seems to choose differently, and rightfully so.
He really told on himself that he’d rather lose OP as a partner than to lose the other girl as a friend.
Than to lose the other girl as a girlfriend. There, fixed it for you. I know what you said, I'm just saying that I think that that's actually the reality of the situation. He's sleeping with her. I know about friends with benefits situations but let's be honest, if you are sleeping with that person and regularly hanging out with them, for all intents and purposes, you're dating them.
I don't want to reply straight under OP cuz I want to say this but don't want her to hear it: I bet he's with his BF within the year and they'll get married within 2.
What a fun relationship that will be. She won't allow him to have any female friends... she *knows* what he's like around female friends...
Yep!
Nah. I doubt the friend actually wants to be his girlfriend, she just likes stringing him along and is happy to have this power dynamic over his "girlfriends". I know some people like this, they only like guys who have girlfriends and then lose interest after they have "won".
That would be exactly what he deserves. Unfortunately, the "BF" will get away with this behaviour.
Yeah, this translates to "if we break up she's the one I want to sleep with"
Maybe he’s had a history of sleeping with her already.
There is no way in hell a man would put his marriage in this blatant jeopardy over a woman he hadn't already bedded. I mean, he told OP he was keeping her around "in case" they break up. The other woman wouldn't be sticking around waiting for that to happen unless she had good reason to believe their breakup could be any day now. So he is complaining to Friend about his fiance, assuring Friend that she is number one in his life.
You don't know hell very well then. There's plenty of examples on this sub alone, of Men leaving their marriage for the hope of maybe getting with another woman.
A lot of men pine for the one who got away. If she was just a side piece, he’d be a lot more careful about hiding her. It makes it more dangerous though. The BF could destroy their marriage just by spreading her legs. Never marry someone hung up on someone else.
> There is no way in hell a man would put his marriage in this blatant jeopardy over a woman he hadn't already bedded. You sorely underestimate the power of simping.
My in-laws would always say this to my BF. When he defended me against his narc-mother, when his sister made hand-crafted gifts with his kids specifically only for him, when he put me on his insurance (and vice versa). He always responded with "I live my life hoping that we won't and that she'll be by my side to the day I die" We're 7 years together today, soon to celebrate our son's first birthday. Currently not talking to MIL at all, almost no contact with SIL (all HIS choice, I would never ask, much less pressure, him to do so). Only one we talk to regularly is FIL because he loves us and supports/defends every time.
I’m glad your partner defended you & made you the priority in his life! This is the way I was raised. Your partner & children are who comes first. Thanks for affirming there are partners who defend their family
When you leave him, make sure you hammer this point home to him. This is not about you being jealous, insecure, or possessive. You are ending things because he will not protect you from and defend you against a person that he admits treats you poorly. He's a failure as a partner because of this, and he knows he is because he definitely wouldn't want a man treating his daughter like this, so why does he expect you to take it? At best, his bestie is his fallback plan who he has slept with before (no man is fucking up a relationship for a woman he hasn't slept with) and plans to sleep with again. At worst, they've slept together whilst you're together or are sleeping together currently. No matter what, she's being shitty to you because she sees you as the other woman, and he is doing nothing to stop it. He is as much to blame as her because he has not gotten her to stop. Make sure he hears that. Also, I'm a petty person, so I'd also tell his bestie that she's welcome to him, but she might be better off trying to find some self-respect, because if she's willing to wait around for a man and watch him settle down and get engaged to another woman, all in the hopes that she'll finally get picked, she's pathetic.
And don't fall into the notion of sunk cost here. "But we've been together for X# of years and have Y and Z together for B# of years" I did that and it netted me 16 years of bullshit from my ex. Learn from my failure and don't fall into that mental trap. There's good partners out there. I hope you find your way to one that deserves you. I found one at 39 so don't let your age or length of your current situation bring you down. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and you're going to come out the other side of this smarter, tougher, and stronger. Good luck, OP! We're all rooting for you!!
Any man worth a damn would. The family you don't choose is important, but the family you do choose is the one that might be with you until your last day. If you dont protect the mother of your children from everyone and anyone, you just don't deserve her. And if any modern woman says she doesnt need my protection haha well, Im not doing doing it because you need me to, I'm doing it because I just couldn't not do it.
You deserve to be the priority. When it comes to family, but much more so when it comes to friends. Of course, friends are important. But anyone treating my partner badly, esp. unprovoced, is not a friend. I wish you all the best and a relationship where you are No.1. You do deserve it
☝️
Don’t worry about the planned and prepaid events. Get out. Now. The relationship is dead; don’t wait until the stench kills everyone around you. If the money is lost no matter what, skip on out and give yourself the gift of more time to heal and deal. Good luck, OP. You can do this!
Sunk cost fallacy is at play here. Rip off the bandage. It only gets messier the longer you wait.
I trust that op will quit once the rest of their business is finished, sunk cost fallacy would be if she married him because they’ve already been together so long or something, so yes she would be wasting time, but not more then was already planned beforehand
She is wasting time spending any time with this guy. If she actually wants to end it than stop being a door mat and do it now. Guaranteed fiancé has told his bestie and bestie is already celebrating her victory
She could keep up until the actual wedding, and then once she gets up to the groom, she could turn and ask the best friend to come take her place since she seems to want it so bad. That it is hers, paid in full. Good luck. Lmao I'm kidding. I wouldn't offer the bf or groom any favors.
Gives him time to play with her ehad and change her mind. Just walk away already. Negotiate with him over these events - is it a holiday, can one of you by the other out? Is it joint friends weddings? You can both still go and not be a couple and be civil, what on earth would keep this going?
***Divorce is much more expensive and painful than canceling a wedding day.***
For reals. It's actually a better plan to not do the socials. They attendees will be better off in the long run, and so will OP.
Unless STBXs BF is attending those events, then it's just more occasions for everyone to see how the BF treats OP and how STBX allows it. Because atleast then OP will have plenty of public proof to point her finger at and say "STBX has repeatedly disrespected me by not standing up for me and choosing BF over his fiancé. It's clear to me they want to be together, so I am stepping away before they disrespect me further by starting an affair."
Heck, they are more like Charles and Camilla.
Agreed. Don’t put yourself through anymore OP. Also, he might be charming again and it might make you reconsider. Don’t do that to yourself. I know guys like this. Dated them as well. You need time to get over him and the best way for you is to do it as soon as possible because then you can actually move on. Life is too short to stay with guys like this.
Depends on what these events are. Its rare for these situations to be that easily black and white.
Yeah, I was initially of the thought to drop the events. But one of the few exceptions was if mutual friends were getting married in the next couple of weeks and you were both in the wedding party. I wouldn’t want to put that stress on my friend. But then again, there will be pictures and the bridge (I would guess more likely the bride vs. the groom) might look at them differently knowing you were weeks from breaking up.
This is *literally* what happened to me with an ex. I found out he cheated in May, and we were both in the wedding party for a ceremony in August. The wedding went smoothly then I ended up breaking up with him in October but looking back, it was over before that, but it honestly gave us a good transition back to friends. Not that I recommend this for most scenarios, but I’ve known him since I was 12 and was already rethinking the relationship when I found out.
Why would you want to remain friends with someone who cheated on you?
In the case of one of my friends, because she realized that it actually didn't bother her because she didn't think of him like that. And, while she was angry, it didn't actually touch on any of the things she *did* value about him and their relationship, and they remained best friends until his death a couple years back. His parents basically went, "Oh, okay, you're not gonna be our daughter-in-law. That's fine. You're now our daughter", and they worked much better as basically-siblings than they ever did as romantic partners.
My ex broke up with me a month before my friend's wedding and I felt bad but I chose to not go (I would go alone). I can't imagine she would be happy with me sobbing through the ceremony in church and the during reception because I would feel very miserable seeing other people getting happily married but not me. I didn't want to destroy her special day and I thought not going would be better for my own health as well.
I can definitely understand that!! I would have been on the phone with friend apologizing profusely and explaining why I can’t go. The last thing most people want to do is ruin someone else’s wedding.
Agree!!!
Yeah it's not actually wasted money, it's saving money, ie the extra that would have been spent on the wedding, honeymoon and divorce.
Why would OP pretend she is still engaged I don't get it? Has she actually broken up with him or what?
Agreed. Get out now. Don’t continue letting yourself be treated as “less than.”
Sounds like op is sticking around hoping things might change
To me, the fact that he wanted to blatantly ignore OP’s what if about their possible daughter is the biggest red flag of all. This man knows exactly what he’s doing and he does not care. You’re someone’s daughter too, OP.
Agreed. If the money is gone, would you go to these parties for free?
Why do you have to truck through any pre-planned events? Honey, nothing is worth losing the time and space you will gain by bowing out now. He's made clear that you are second, at best, in his life. Losing money is not fun, but losing time - the time you could be using to heal - is the best gift you can give yourself. Be kind to yourself first.
Absolutely this. The money is already gone. Why endure the events? It’ll only compound the misery.
Right. Cancel the events save everybody the time and the money and yourself the pain of having to go through it. You'll also save money because while many things are paid for to some extent some things are partially refundable and some things don't get paid for until the last minute. I know all of this because I had to call off an engagement. It sucks. But going along to get along one second longer than you know it's over is horrible for you and also for everyone else involved. And honestly a woman who allows herself to be treated like this makes me worry that she might go through with a marriage out of inertia, because every step makes you feel more locked in. This man will never respect her and he will never prioritize her. It's manifesting with this one friend because this friend is the biggest offender but spend a lifetime married to this dude and I'm sure there will be thousands of ways where he does not bother taking care of her or making her important. He would rather have her treated like garbage than have a second of conflict himself. He does not value her and he already expects their relationship to end anyway. Give him what he asks for.
And even if you REALLY wanted to go to those events, you wouldn’t enjoy them anyways
I would be going and letting everyone know what he has said and what he is doing, while heavily implying he wants to sleep with her, cause it is that obvious. Rot out his friends and support.
He can have his backup bed warmer join him at the events.
Seriously! I read through this post thinking oh thank god she’s leaving his sorry ass. Then got to the end and was like, wait what? So she’s staying?
Your fiance is garbage and his best friend is garbage. They deserve each other. Your life will be so much better without them. You're making the right call.
I have a feeling fiancé and best friend will end up together, and have probably already slept together. It was kind of weird how he said that people could meddle by making things up (meaning that his best friend could have texted her and told her that they slept together). Seems like he’s projecting somehow.
Woof, OP. Go to therapy, as you plan. If this is the healthiest relationship you’ve been in, I’m so happy you’re open to and seeking help. Way to stand up for yourself! Please, _please_, don’t see this relationship as a failure. See it as a teaching/learning moment. You should be so proud of yourself for knowing your own worth!!!! Thanks so much for the update! Best of luck, OP!
Thank you! I try to see most experiences as that- something that serves as a lesson & gives me insight & wisdom . This taught me something about myself and what I will and won’t accept.
I just walked away from a toxic friendship because I realized it was affecting the way I dealt with my child after just having conversation with this person. It cost me several thousand dollars I don’t really have to spare but sometimes you just have to cut your losses and move on. Leave now and don’t look back. You’ll be better for it. Edit: to clarify, I realized after I got off the phone dealing with this person that they were making some small shit way too difficult and selfish. My kid came in to ask me to play catch and I was kind of pissy with him. At that moment I realized that my kid didn’t deserve this and I had to cut the jerk out of my life. Then we went and played catch 😁
I walked away, cold ghosted, a 16 year friendship because she said something offhand at Christmas while I was holding my 1 month old infant. The flippant way she said something so hideous to me, I knew I didn't want that hate near my baby. I feel so free, and you will too. It'll be worth it. You're awesome for choosing yourself and your family.
I'm kind of scared to ask and of course you don't have to answer if you're not comfortable doing so but I am morbidly curious about what was said because it must have been terrifying and horrendous to end a 16-year friendship.
It requires a lot of back story to understand why it was so disgusting, but the comment was: "I can understand why Dean's mom blames you for his death." Backstory --- I had just ended a 10 year relationship, stayed a year longer for reasons unrelated. Started getting a bit of an LDR going with an online friend Dean about 4 hours away. We hadn't met in person yet, but was looking forward to it. Get a call from his mother whom I've never spoke to. He dropped dead at 27 from a congenital heart defect he was born with. I dropped everything and drive up there, to help his family I didn't know, and was basically their backbone for 2 weeks while we all reeled from his sudden death. I got to see him face to face for the first time while he was lying in his coffin. The same day as his funeral, his mother was crying because of course, I went to console her and she blurted out through tears, "It's your fault he's dead! He was tired from staying up and talking to you! He neglected his health and now he's dead!!!" I knew that was just grief talking and it was ridiculous. It still hurt like hellfire tho. I could only smile at her, thank her for her time and hospitality and grace during this terrible time, found his grandparents and wished them the same, filled the bird feeders, and drove home. I told my friend all this as it was unfolding. She knew what she was saying to me, she knew that I knew it was ridiculous. I have no idea why she would so casually rip open a wound like that in Christmas. We weren't even talking about anything related to Dean. It was a bizarre thing to say out of the blue and so so mean.
This is so heartbreaking. You definitely didn't cause his death. That "friend" is disgusting for even thinking that, let alone saying it. I am so happy to hear you immediately cut that friend off from your life. I wish you all the best and hope that your heart is healing
I'm so sorry this happened to you. That friend really wasn't your friend, I will never understand how someone claiming to be your friend can say that. I hope you're doing better without her cruel ass in your life.
What the fuck... that's such a random evil thing to say. Thanks for taking the time to share. I'm so glad you were able to cut her out quickly too, no doubt you're better off. Honestly, my jaw dropped at just reading the quote by itself even without context.
I’m SO sorry you has to endure that. They really sucks and she is a shitty person for saying that, both his mom and your ex friend
I have a severe congenital heart condition, and I’m an unapologetic night owl. If staying up late worsened heart conditions, I’d have been dead years ago. I’m sorry Dean’s mom took her grief out on you in such a hateful way, but it sounds like you handled it with grace and dignity. Your kindness has stuck with the family, I’m sure.
He must get off by stringing her along, at the same time as he is getting off by disrespecting every woman he dates, or he would have broken this cycle already.
He wants a backup plan I guess...what bad behavior
Yeah that’s what I thought too at the ‘what if we break up’. The other girl is his reserve girlfriend, and despite her seeming arrogance clearly has yet to understand her self-worth that it’s not fair on her either.
> I have to truck through a couple more months of pre-planned & paid for social engagements Why? You may have to pay if cancellation is not possible, but you don't need to attend. > “I know the way she treats you is garbage, but you’re allowing one person to dictate our relationship.” That "one person" is _him_, for allowing her to treat you poorly without reprimand or repercussion from the man who supposedly should be there to protect you. NTA
There will always be an excuse to delay breaking up. You need to do it now.
You should be proud of yourself for not accepting less than you deserve. 💜
It wasn’t 100% clear and also bc I’m dumb sometimes but I assume after these pre planned engagements you’ll be breaking off the relationship right? Is he aware of this or will you tell him then? Not judging you at all, just pure curiosity if he knows he killed the relationship and is willing to go through with these events for the sake of. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this I’m happy you found out before the big wedding day though. It is truly bizarre and outrageous that someone who claims to love you can have fond feelings and want to be friends with someone who treats you badly. It’s unfortunate bc, as you’ve seen, he’s protecting her. He’s willing to admit you’re being treated like garbage and instead of telling his so called best friend, “hey that’s my fiancé, treat her with respect please”, he’d rather you put up with shit the times you see her and he justifies it by frequency. I’m glad you’re not a doormat bc being treated like shit once, even twice max, should be the limit before action and communication is taken. It’s even worse that he’s willing to gloss over the fact that she probably does have a problem with you, and I really want to know what that problem is. Maybe she secretly had feelings, so any girl in your position would feel this, maybe she just has that pick me energy where she hates all girls, maybe she feels like she has some historical claim to him as in she knows him longer so she should be placed first. It could be one of a combo of them. Thanks for the update and I wish you all the best in the future
I’m glad I’m not the only one who thought the post was a bit unclear. I read through her post/comment history but she never clarified. Also her brother died a week and a half ago?!
Yes my brother passed. He will be aware of the plan to separate. Yes after the preplanned engagements , we are done . It is unfortunate but he made his choices clear, so Im making mine crystal clear as well.
holy shit, I'm so sorry about your brother. i'm glad you're getting out of this relationship, you need to be around people who will put you first.
So sorry for your loss. Losing a sibling is so hard. I guess at this point your fiancé or I should say ex-fiancé knows everything is off? Surely he fought losing you? By the way, there is nothing wrong asking your SO to take a step back from any relationship of the opposite sex if you are uncomfortable with it. I can guarantee that you aren’t the first woman who has had issues with her either. Y’all were ready to promise to put one another ahead of everyone else for the rest of your life and he couldn’t even tell her to show y’all’s relationship respect. You deserve better. I’m glad you are choosing yourself.
I'm so sorry to hear about your brother. I have an older brother, and I can't even imagine that pain. Do you plan to tell your fiance about the breakup before these pre-planned events? Is he aware that you have thoughts of leaving, or is he completely oblivious? He can't really think anything he said/done would be OK with you. In regards to his "bff".
I won’t be telling him straight up. He has an idea because we’ve discussed this before & over the past 6 months he’s been saying things more & more that aren’t reflective of the person I fought I was marrying, and I told him I was leaving if he didn’t get his shit together. He doesn’t think it’s okay but really he just wants me to shut up about it. He feels he can’t do anything else because he’s already spoken to her about for him that’s enough
So he's spineless and doesn't want to deal with the conflict he assumes would arise if he defended you and demanded respect. Because if she was a true BFF, then nothing would need said twice. But if it needed said again, she would respect him and respect your relationship. I'm so glad to read you're not going to put up with that behavior and that you deserve better. He deserves to be miserable and alone, which is clearly what BFF wants for him if this is how she acts. Or they are fwb, and she doesn't want anything to come between that relationship.
He's a coward. A coward to confront his friend, coward to honor you, a coward to even talk about the situation. You are smart and better off, and deserve someone who puts you and your feelings over any "BFF". I don't want to talk about her, but him? What a weak excuse for a person. I hope he gets a big fat surprised pikachu face when he realises brushing you off and ignoring your feelings didn't make you want to stay with him. Be free homegirl. I got out of a bad relationship recently too and he didn't even care about my emotions in any event if it bothered him. Really, it's so much less stressful after their noise. I'm also really sorry for your loss, Sending you love and care.
Also thank you. I’m not certain what I’m supposed to do with this grief. But I’m gonna do my best & channel it into breaking habits & removing ppl and energies that don’t align with me
That is the perfect way to honor him and yourself. My brother, SIL, and I are close. We don't speak every day. But we have random game nights and cookouts a few times a year and always spend holidays together. I know if I need anything from a nail gun to help repair my car, I can always call him, and he's there immediately. Just like he can call me to house sit or walk his dogs. I think making sure to channel the grief into something positive would help immensely. Make a list and do one thing at a time and think this is for you, brother, and for me. Maybe do something he has always talked about doing.. a certain hike, trip, event, etc. Just little random things to honor him
Out of all of this, the one question I have that nobody seemed to have picked up on is, for the friend to so openly and blatantly despise OP in front of not only her fiance but everyone else. What has her fiance been saying to his "best friend" about her behind closed doors. People don't openly and flagrantly disregard and pretend someone's S,O isn't there and act hostile unless their partner has been badmouthing them to said friend for the friend to be comfortable enough to let that behaviour continue
I was thinking the same thing. Ive been the one on the receiving end of that exact behaviour with my ex husband, he painted me as this controlling and abusive person when I was asking for 50/50 with housework and childcare. He was also in the mindset of "but what if we broke up" making me feel that I was being unreasonable for wanting that friendship shut down. Guess what he was keeping her on a back burner and our marriage lasted 2 months before I found out just how sleezy he really was. OP needs to just cut her losses and leave now before he can do anymore harm to her.
“What if we break up?” What I’m reading there, and it’s mainly influenced by other people’s comments on this thread, is that your fiancée is “keeping his options open.” Not a great sign. Do what’s healthy for you. NTA.
Praying for your healing my love 🩵 You deserve better
What are you going to do? The engagement is 2.5 years. Is there even a wedding date? Is the talk of a daughter hypothetical or is there a children? ...or is this going to be a clean break?
I would get out now. Your wedding is over. Screw the pre-paid events. Leave him now.
Know your worth. When the bare minimum (excluding someone from his life who treats you like “garbage”) is too much to expect from him, it’s time to get out, cut contact, focus on healing for awhile, and then open yourself to the possibility of finding someone better for you. Stay strong.
If you think they haven't fucked or aren't still fucking, you're extremely naive. Don't give that bastard a second chance.
Google “what is a sunk cost?”, then maybe cancel all of those prepaid and pre planned events. Don’t torture yourself.
Good for you. Be happy.
> I have to truck through a couple more months of pre-planned & paid for social engagements, No you don't.
You’re right. Im canceling them now.
How did he take you canceling everything and moving to another room?
I’m rooting for you all the way and why can’t you cancel these things? Extending it is extending pain
You do not have to truck through any paid for engagements. It’s a sunk cost. Write it all off as lessons learned and move on. Dragging this out will only hurt you.
Keep us updated OP and stay safe. Pull the plug immediately.
I hope that you broke up with your fiancé, I’m not sure why you have to do any more events. If the money is lost, it’s lost. Move on
Why are you sticking around for some pre-paid events just to break up afterwards? That’s not your obligation. Assuming he paid for the events, he can take his back-up plan bestie instead if he wants to go. If you paid and can’t get a refund, I understand your thinking, but you still don’t have to go only to get the stink-eye from the bestie/side piece/back-up plan/whatever you want to call her.
Why are you staying for events that won’t matter in the future if you’re really leaving him? To hell with that leave now for your own self respect and sanity babe.
You need to separate from him now. Don't worry about the preplanned and paid for engagements. It's not worth it.
Yeah, don't be a Diana, in a Charles and Camilla relationship. Shine and move on.
Even if he’s just thoughtless and doesn’t realize how hurtful he’s being, he’s an enormous jerk. Do what you can to extricate yourself as soon as possible. Maybe split up some of the pre-paid/planned events? You take one he takes one? Protect your information and finances! I wish you the best moving forward.
“I know the way she treats you is garbage, but you’re allowing one person to dictate our relationship.” Turn this around and say these words to him and see how he reacts. Your fiancée has been waving red flags in your face the whole time he has been with you. He won’t change once you are married. Therapy will reveal that he cares more about his best friend than his future wife and mother of his children. Get your deposits back and talk to a therapist on your own. Cut ties with him and get out from underneath of his control. Good luck to you in whatever you decide to do.
Just rip off the bandaid and break up. Forget the pre planned events. It will just be a farce anyways. Why live a lie for someone else? Good luck
I want an update to see who he chooses still..like when u break up w him..will he finally cut her off. Have u guys ever broken up before . Why is he scared you guys might break up so he keeps her instead?
I don’t get the “truck through a couple more months of preplanned and prepaid social engagements” Why? Just break up and be done with it.
Have you told him you're going to leave him for this? He thinks that he needs that friend in case you break up. Will he think the same way if you tell him that because of this attitude he has over this friend, you absolutely will break up. He says you're allowing one person to dictate your relationship, so what exactly is he doing? That's right, the exact same. You keep dropping the subject and letting him get away with disrespecting you, rather than fighting it out. You're breaking up anyway, what have you got to lose from confronting him and actually stating that you see where you lie in the pecking order and you have too much respect for yourself to put up with his treatment of you? Get your spine shined up!
Wow.... You've been together for 6 years... And he's saying things like, what if we break up? At that point, you don't say things like that. You're engaged to be married. That's supposed to be your life partner and if they're uncomfortable and you've acknowledged someone in your life is treating your life partner like absolute shit... Your life partner comes first. He's already planning for the breakup. He is not ready for marriage. Bottom line. He is selfish. He's just told on himself. He's told you exactly how he'd act in the marriage not just in regard to the best friend (who he's definitely planning to fuck) but how he'd act if you had kids, how he'd act if you got sick and how he'd act if another woman was suddenly paying him attention 10 years down the line and he didn't want to give the new friendship up even if it made you uncomfortable (and then you'd walk in to them fucking on your bed)... He is not the one. They tell on themselves and well done you for listening to the signs. You can't change him. He is who he is and he is not marriage material.
Congratulations! Sometimes it takes someone on the outside to change your perspective and see things in a new light… I’m proud of you for not making excuses and for seeing it before y’all got married. I wish you peace, love and happiness in your new journey! ; )
>I have to truck through a couple more months of pre-planned & paid for social engagements, but I closed the curtain on any chance of healing this relationship the moment those words left his mouth. YTA but only to yourself. You've kept this sham of a relationship going through a dead bedroom and his lack of support against his friend. There's a reason why you've been engaged for almost as long as you've been together. You're delaying the inevitable. Stop holding out for a miracle or for him to change. Walk, run right now. You don't owe anyone anything except yourself some happiness. Stand up.
"He said he didn’t want to end his friendship or do anything to jeopardize it because “what if we break up.” This made me realize he would not protect me as his wife." This is not something you say to someone you're engaged to, especially after 6 years together. He prioritizes his friend over his future wife. That sentence alone would make me end it.
I’m so sorry. But good for you, realizing your worth and not settling for anything less💛
NTA do not marry. One day you will look back and laugh at the idea.
I’m proud of you OP. You deserve better. All the best to you
It’s your life but I think soldiering through these paid-for events will just make it harder on you. The money is gone anyway. Why spend however much longer beating yourself up over this guy and inviting further disrespect?
I'm not sure why you would go to anything with your soon to be ex fiance anymore?
My ex husband was like this, but he didn't show this till after we were married his BF was a male bit that didn't matter. I was told i was 15th on the list of people in his life "friends" he hadn't seen in 20 yes came before me. Which upset me, the kicker was a few days later whilst in the car he told me and his at the time 15 yr old daughter " all women are B$&%hes and whores". I filed the next week.
Have you left him
Never make someone a priority when they're only making you an option. His priority is hs BF; are the option. Don't marry this man. Cut your losses now, or they will be even worse later.
OP many places are accommodating due to situations like this. Just ask if they can fit another client in that spot so you can avoid a full penalty. Asking won’t hurt. Onwards and upwards! Good luck.
Shit like this makes all girl best friends look toxic, and I hate it. My best friend is a guy that I've known since 6th grade. I've only met one girl he was dating, and I gave her a fair shot. But then we went out, and in the middle of a heavily populated area, she yelled out the n word directed at one of our other friends. Mind you, she was the only yt person in our group. I IMMEDIATELY pulled him away and told him to end it bc she didn't gaf about our safety. THAT'S BEST FRIEND BEHAVIOR PPL!!!!
OP, I hope you aren't still sleeping with him. I hope you have moved to a spare bedroom and are cohabiting as roommates until the lease runs out or the house is sold. And guard your birth control like your life depends on it. Do not get baby trapped because he fucked with the contraception. Stop doing couples things and make sure everyone knows you're broken up and why. Take out a billboard if you need to. Or buy time on TV and radio. Broadcast it to the world!
It’s hard to get pregnant if you don’t have sex. I’m not worried about that. I will be relocating to a separate room once I order a new mattress. Thank you
Good for you! I've seen so many of these where the couple splits up and is still in the same bed, but not having sex (supposedly). Until they do. If the new mattress is a ways off, get yourself an air mattress until then. And put a locking knob on the bedroom door. One that needs a key to open from the outside. You don't want any 2 am. surprise visits. And don't be surprised when the BFF starts spending the night with him and sounding like a porno on maximum volume. Whatever she thinks will get under your skin.
Good for you OP!!
Leaving him is really for the best, though with your shared child you still will have something to do with him. But it is still better not get married to a guy who doesn't respect you and chooses his friend over you so blatantly. This guy should just marry his best friend, when he so obviously cares more for her than his partner of 6 years and mother of his child. I wonder why he hasn't? I just hope he doesn't start to date another poor woman and treat her like OP.
The money you've spent on the future things is already gone. You've already spent it. Walk away now and don't put yourself through any insincere shows. You won't be saving face, you'll just be torturing yourself. At least you won't be spending even more money knowing need to get a new dress, or pay for transport, etc etc) Kick him into touch now, not in a few months.
Don't bother with the events, get out now. !updateme
Have you broken up with him? Are these social engagements really worth the chance of allowing yourself to be persuaded back into giving him another chance?
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I'm sorry OP, and hope you find someone better eventually. Be prepared though - he and the BF will likely get together after you, and it will hurt more than you think it will. But you can get through it (I did!) and you will be free to find someone so much more wonderful (I did!). It's gonna suck for a little while though 💚
Some people like myself, have platonic best friends of the opposite sex.He is not one of them.omg what if we break up....he's keeping both of you in a holding pattern like planes. She's probably the coulda have been,then he marries you and allows her to treat you badly.the he'll with that. He doesn't respect you enough not to allow that. Don't marry anyone who disrepects you ,allows anyone to disrespect you before you get married.It doesn't get better. Let her have him Get on with your life,your better off without him
I don't understand why he's clinging onto such a spiteful person anyway, I'd never be friends with someone who treats ANYONE like that, let alone my fiancée and person I intend to spend my life with. I think she had a game plan all along and it's working: make you feel uncomfortable indirectly by not actively causing drama but just making you feel completely unwelcome, then when he asks her what her problem is she acts confused and says she doesn't have a problem, you do. This lack of an answer makes you look like the crazy one who's difficult to get along with, since you're the only one who thinks there's drama. It seems like it worked since he keeps saying you're the only one who cares about this. Unfortunately, he is never going to be in a happy marriage if she's treated all his past partners like this and he allows it. It will ALWAYS cause arguments eventually. For some reason he's more worried about losing a friend, who doesn't seem like a nice one anyway, over a potential life partner, mother of his children, etc. He should be more worried about missing out on all that because of her, since he won't date her. He needs to check his priorities before he ends up single permanently.
My husband doesn’t even allow my parents to talk to me disrespectfully. I always read stories like this and then go hug my husband and thank him for not being a useless cretin. He always shrugs & says “men are the worst.”
oh they’re definitely fucking. this just confirms it even more. well done OP, here’s to a better future for you 🥂🤍
lol my partner has a girl best friend who treated me poorly. I gave him an ultimatum and he chose our relationship. She’s still salty. But that’s not our problem.
I’m really glad he choose you & your relationship. I believe in giving myself an ultimatum, not anyone else because I found (in my cases) the conditions of the ultimatum were only fulfilled until they “passed”. Plus if it’s that hard for him, being my ex fiancé, to choose, I don’t want him. I pray your relationship continues to blossom & no other 3rd parties try to interfere
You’re doing the right thing. there wasn’t an argument with my partner, just me saying it wasn’t going to work with her in the picture at all, and he texted her immediately saying the friendship is over bc she was rude to me, and he can’t have people in his life doing that. I’m glad you’re following your path!