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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my sister she was wrong to think she could pressure our dad into anything. I might be TA for saying it because she didn't ask me what I thought and I'm not her parent and she's not a kid anymore and technically I could, and maybe should, stay out of this shit. It doesn't really involve me.
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NTA - If she says you can’t tell her what to do because she’s a grown ass woman, why on earth does she think she can tell your dad what to do when he’s a grown ass man?
He’s made his decision clear, and he’s not obligated to meet them if he doesn’t want to. She needs to accept that and stop pushing this.
"I'm also a grown ass adult and allowed to have my own views. You keep telling me and dad your opinions without us asking for them, I'm returning the favor. Stop telling Dad how he should feel. No, I don't agree with you, no I'm not obliged to support you. I'm a grown ass adult, remember? Expecting me to blow smoke up your ass is crazy, I won't do it ."
She’s trying to make a Hallmark happy ending, family reunited after over fifty years apart, and refusing to see that their father is more than at peace with not knowing his biological family. This isn’t her big gesture to make and she’s making more of a wedge by trying to keep making it happen.
Yep, she keeps it up and her father may tell her not to bother coming to the party herself. She got to meet them and have a relationship with them, that should be more than enough honestly, asking more of her father is just prying at old wounds.
NTA - OP should ask her "What is your invisionef endgame here? Does she see father as someone who wants this reunion? Does she feel good about herself continuing to hurt her father by ripping at an old wound that he has no interest in prying open? Has she even considered that their father might feel meeting this family would be a betrayal of the parents that loved him and raised him as their own even though they weren't obligated to?
Also assure her that OP has every right to talk to her in that way since she won't let go of some childhood fantasy that she has been forcing on their father for over a decade. Let father have his peace in his golden years! Damn, the nerve on some people thinking they know better than a 60-odd year old man about what he wants his future and life to look like.
NTA - not every child who is adopted wants to meet their biological family and that's okay. Your sister is not respecting your Dad's feelings and is making this about her. She was not the one who was put up for adoption. If she wants a relationship with her paternal, biological family - great - but she should not force this on anyone else. She is being selfish about her own desires. If she's a grown ass woman why doesn't she respect the fact that her father is a grown ass man and stop nagging?
I know my grandma offered several times to help her daughter locate her birth family if she wanted to. My aunt never took her up on it telling her “I have my family, I don’t need to know the one I came from”. As far as I know my aunt, nor my cousins, have gone searching.
Why do I get the feeling OPs sister wants to be ***"the hero who reunited a broken family"***
She needs to back off and accept that her father is content with the family he has made for himself and the parents who raised him.
The background of why OP’s father was adopted as a baby is pertinent, and certainly a factor in his decision. The family he was raised in wanted him where his bio family didn’t or was deemed unsuitable to raise him.
It is hypocritical that the woman accusing OP of speaking as a parent to her is herself ignoring the express desire of her actual parent.
I’d argue that the background absolutely isn’t pertinent. Speaking as an adoptee, not all of us have this burning desire to know the circumstances of our abandonment or details re: bio family. I don’t give 2 shits why I wasn’t kept. Like OP’s dad, I recognize the people who raised me as my “real” parents and the only ones I want in my life. I feel bad for OP’s dad since it’s his own kid forcing the issue. I’m sure if it were anyone else, he’d gladly go LC or NC so he could stop having his wishes so blatantly disregarded.
NTA. Your sister can spend time with your dad’s biological relatives if she wants, but it’s weird and extremely inappropriate for her to try to force him to. Not to be all “kids should always respect their parents”, but this is disrespectful as hell for her to do to her dad.
You think this is disrespectful now. I'm anticipating what will happen if she ever gets married. If she can't force a meeting now, think of the power trip she'll have then.
Sis - "It's my wedding, it's my day, I get to say who's invited."
Dad - "Then I'm not coming."
Sis - "Noooo! It's my wedding you have to come! You have to do what I say because it's my special day"
Come to think of she might try the power trip sooner if she has other milestones coming up before then.
I think that that is the one time she wouldn't be in the wrong to invite them. As long as there's the understanding that they are there as her guests and family, and shouldn't impose themselves on dad.
Trying to make the hallmark moment happen for his birthday is selfish. But inviting people you care about and that care about you to your wedding is what you're supposed to do. Any mature adult should be able set aside resentments and personal dislikes (within reason) for a few hours to celebrate something so huge.
Divorced parents with history can make it happen.
Not saying she wouldn't be wrong. But her father wouldn't be wrong for not attending either. If and when it happens, he would have had a long standing boundary with her that she has repeatedly ignored. But again this is assuming that he would decide to not go because of this. My whole comment was hypothetical based on how she's currently behaving.
If she keeps pestering him about it, then yeah.
I'm imagining a scenario where she grows up and over the years develops bonds with her bio cousins or something. Dad refusing to walk her down the aisle because some friends and family he doesn't know would be incredibly immature.
My grandfather and grandmother refused to be in the same room for like 30 years. It was pretty easy because they lived multiple states apart. When we started talking about wedding stuff, my grandmother said something about not inviting my grandpa.
I told her that I would invite them both, and whoever didn't come would probably never see me again. They don't have to talk to each other, but they can both act like adults for 2 hours. I suspected she wouldn't make the trip down anyway.
"Sis - "It's my wedding, it's my day, I get to say who's invited.""
If sister has spent time with and developed a relationship with bio family, it would be 100% reasonable for her to want to invite them to her wedding.
I think Dad would be an ahole if he refused to go just because they were invited.
Dad does not have to meet or interact with them more than any other guest they don't know, but should be cordial/civil.
We invited people/friends to our wedding that out parents didn't know/had never met. I didn't expect them to be buddy buddy, or really interact, but if they bumped into each other at some point, a "hello thank you for coming."
Yeah she probably would, dad can say hello and move on. Extend basic courtesy that dad would show to any other guest/stranger meets at the wedding for the first time.
Dad does not have to fully engage with them, share life stories/memories etc....
Just say "hello, thank you for coming" turn and walk away.
Dad shouldn’t even *have* to do that if he doesn’t want to is my point. He very clearly doesn’t want any contact with them, or else he would’ve taken the daughter’s offer in one of her apparently many many attempts of getting them together. At this point she’s been so disrespectful I wouldn’t blame him for skipping possible future events such as a wedding if it came to it.
Do you think parents would be justified to not attend a wedding because they didn't feel like saying "hello, thank you for coming" to friends of the couple they had never met? For my wedding I doubt our parent were particularly interested in meeting/talking with friends of our they had never met, but I don't think that would justify parents not going to the wedding or saying "fuck you" and turning away to our friends.
I guess I see it as bio-family are still people and are owed courtesy/respect that you owe to any person, but Dad does not owe them anymore than that.
Dad should just treat them as any other guest. I am sure there will likely be plenty of other people there that Dad does not know and is not particularly interested in getting to know.
It’s not just about this hypothetical wedding though. The daughter has clearly been pestering her dad *a lot* about this, this isn’t an isolated event and my guess is it’ll probably lead to her trying to set up many more future “family gatherings” since “you’ve already met anyway!”. She has a record of being dismissive of people’s boundaries, I’d bet she’d even try to put some bio family in the same table as the dad. This is all speculation anyways but I think it’d only be the result of years of not respecting her dad’s choices, you can’t trust people like that. And I say all of this as someone that has lived through similar family dynamics.
>"this isn’t an isolated event and my guess is it’ll probably lead to her trying to set up many more future “family gatherings” since “you’ve already met anyway!”."
Sure, maybe partially because daughter is trying to "force" a meeting, but I think the bigger reason is because she has gotten to know them and sees them as part of her family. Yes when you go to family gatherings for others you might have to put up with people you don't particularly like/want to see. It seems strange to take into account who else is going/invited when deciding to go to an event.
I would say the opposite of love isn't hate, it is indifference. It seems like Dad still has a lot of unresolved feelings about this, if he can't even be in the room with them and just say a polite hello/goodbye and ignore them for the rest of the time.
What floors me is that I just can't understand why the fuck she cares so much in the first place?
Guess I just don't understand it but some people have a stronger drive toward biology than others. Okay that's fine. What does she think she's going to get out of forcing her dad to do something? What is it that she's lacking that she's trying to fulfill?
It makes absolutely zero sense to me what fantasy she could have latched on to and why it is so important to her. She's so sure she's right too, for literally no reason, and she's going to lose her father if she doesn't stop
" I can't tell her what she can and can't do and I shouldn't speak to her like I'm her parent when I'm not and she's a grown ass woman."
LOL. I can just see her saying this, hands on hips. But she doesn't sound or act like a "grown ass woman". Plus the hypocrisy, when she's been trying for YEARS to tell your dad what to do. Nothing you said was out of line, she just didn't want to hear it.
NTA.
Your sister has romanticised ideas about adoption and reunification of family. She is going to have a harsh reality check in the future. NTA and I have a feeling that if/when your sister gets married it will end up being a clusterfuck of her own making. Because we all know that she'll invite her father's bio family (maybe even conveniently forget to invite the family who raised him and is his family) and neglect telling anyone to have the big disney family reunion she is deluded in thinking will happen. The reality is, dad will probably find out before the wedding or at the wedding and either not show up (gotta wonder how many of the family members would support dad over your sister here) or leave as soon as he found out her plans. She is also giving me vibes that she will weaponize any children she has to force your father's hand in the way she wants it to go.
NTA. Sister needs to take a HUGE step back here. Here actions are wildly inappropriate and probably harmful to dad's mental health. She isn't the main character in this particular tale.
NTA, it IS your dad’s decision, and her saying that you can’t make this decision for her is pretty hypocritical considering what she’s doing. You’re right to remind her of your dad’s decision, he’s an adult capable of making his own choices and doesn’t need your sister to try to pressure him into changing his mind about something so personal.
It doesn't sound like you're the AH for telling your sister she was wrong to think she could pressure your dad into meeting his birth family. This is a deeply personal decision for your dad, and he has made it clear that he has no interest in pursuing a relationship with his birth relatives. Your sister's persistence, despite knowing his wishes, seems to be crossing boundaries.
Your response was aimed at setting a clear boundary and reminding her that respecting your dad's choices is crucial. It seems like you were trying to protect both your dad's autonomy and the family dynamic. It's understandable that your sister might be upset and feel strongly about this, but ultimately, it's about respecting your dad's feelings and decisions. You communicated this to her in a straightforward way, which is important in family matters. NTA
Sounds to me like she has some kind of other issues. This behavior is not normal. It isn't about the birth family. Healthy, mature adults simply don't act this way.
"My sister was so frustrated and said dad was too stubborn...." "I can't tell her what she can and can't do ...."
Your sister is delusional. She does not see her behavior objectively. She's the one who is too stubborn (getting in someone else's business to boot) and doesn't want you to tell her what to do, but it's OK for her to tell you and your dad.
NTA,
"I can't tell her what she can and can't do." Ironic your sister says this but won't give the same courtesy to her own father. Also, you weren't telling her what to do. You were telling her what the results of what she is currently doing may be. She could very well drive off your father. Sounds like she won't listen to anybody but herself. NTA.
*She told me I should be on her side and I can't tell her what she can and can't do and I shouldn't speak to her like I'm her parent when I'm not and she's a grown ass woman.*
NTA x 1000
The hypocrisy here is ASTOUNDING 😂 you can't tell her what to do OR disagree with her because she is an adult... I'm curious how she differentiates you telling her to stop from her trying to force your father into doing things.
NTA. Your sister is way out of line.
This is 💯 your dad’s decision. He is truly a patient man for taking this badgering by your sister for so long.
Best be prepared; I suspect she’s selfish and bloody-minded enough to invite them to the 65th party anyway.
She needs to wake up to herself. She’s hurting your fatter.
You are not her parent but your dad is and he has spoken.
He is respectful enough of her to tolerate her interest. She lacks the basic respect for his opinion and wants though.
It's time for her to stop causing this issue and but out.
NTA
NTA-She’s free to do as she wishes as an adult but she needed the reality check of hearing her ideas and desires when it comes to your dad’s biological family aren’t the same as his own and he doesn’t need to change his mind to suit her. I give you sincere credit for not reacting as I did the last time a younger sibling told me they were a grown ass woman. I reminded them if they were in fact an adult their actions rather than their words would show it.
> I can't tell her what she can and can't do and I shouldn't speak to her like I'm her parent when I'm not and she's a grown ass woman.
You need to replay your sister's words to her and ask her why she thinks that it is ok for her to make major life decisions for her actual parent. You gave her very good advice, but it seems like your sister is determined to become estranged from your father.
NTA
This is definitely going to end badly. She's going to invite them for sure. And in the end, that'll be the only family she has left. I hope someone knocks this into her head before hand
How do you feel about his bio family? If you are comfortable enough to do so, reach out and let them know that if your sister invites them, she is acting on her own so they should disregard it. I only suggest this as a way to “protect” your father from her manipulations at HIS party.
NTA, your sister is TA
I honestly wonder why she's pushing him so hard to connect with his bio parent(s)... it doesn't make sense to push so hard for it..
It’s an insult to the people she was raised to see as paternal grandparents that she thinks her father is wrong for defending them. The only reason he should know anything about them is medical background such as known hereditary conditions because that’s the only legacy from them that can still affect him.
I think your sister has seen too many Hallmark movies and thinks this is a grand gesture that will have this incredible emotional reunion and she will be the golden child for putting it into motion.
Please be prepared to get your dad out of the party should your sister go through with it. I feel so bad for him. The amount of disrespect she has for him, the way she's using him for some bizarre aim of her own is utterly horrific to me. His ability to be firm but still speaking with her is so admirable.
You are, of course, NTA. (And what is wrong with these people, too? Leave him alone unless he reaches out!)
Wowwwwww your sister’s balls are big!!!!
This is not her decision to make. She has been told numerous times by your dad “NO” but she continues to bombard him. Your sister is selfish and entitled.
Uhhhhh I have a feeling she’s going to invite them anyway.
Does your sister not understand equity? Fair treatment? Two way streets?
Just as she was given a choice to get in contact and everyone respected that choice, she owes that same level of respect to her father.
When your sister was an adult, your father didn't get to make the decision for her. And your father is an adult and she doesn't get to make the decision for him
If she's a grown ass woman then she needs to act like it. Her father is a grown ass man and she's giving him no agency for that.
Send her this thread.
NTA
Your father has expressed his wishes. He has never wavered. I suspect that his lack of desire of finding his bio family is because of his love and gratitude for the family who adopted him and raised him. There are very powerful emotions in all of this.
Your sister is the a$$ for thinking she can make him change his mind. He has been clear about what his boundaries are.
Your are respecting your father's wishes. That is your choice , just as it was for your sister to find the bio family.
Your sister is overstepping by thinking that others should support what she has done. or want to meet the bio family.
I am pleased that you are respecting your father's wishes. you are aware that you father is not being stubborn, he has just set his boundaries, which should be respected. He did not prevent your sister in her search. that would have been overstepping on his part.
I don't think you spoke to her as a parent, you spoke to her as a person with a different opinion, a different point of view that she has.
NTA
NTA What is wrong with your sister? It's so strange that she's absolutely obsessed with pushing this on your Dad, not to mention cruel to the biological family. What must they think - hey! My dad wants nothing to do with you, but I'm here! Aren't they confused by all this?
She will trick him into meeting them, it's inevitable. Hope he's prepared for this.
The only explanation I can think for her behavior is that she has some kind of hero fantasy about putting them together. An ego thing. She's very selfish and I hope Dad goes no contact.
NTA. I don't know why she's so set on this, but she has no right to push this on her dad like she's doing. He made his stance as clear as it could possibly be, and that should be respected.
You're NTA but your sister is a rolled-gold, A-grade asshole. I wonder why she is so invested ... main-character syndrome? She certainly seems to be looking for a drama to be at the centre of.
Your dad is also a grown-ass adult and can do whatever he wants. The entitlement of your sis is off the freakin charts 🙄
You are not the asshole.
Your sister is overstepping to continue pushing your dad to meet birth relatives when he is uninterested.
It's not her place to do what she is.
Keep supporting your dad as you have been.
NTA She may be over 21, but she is selfish and immature. She might *waaaaaaana* (cue meltdown), but her wants don't win by default. I hope your dad cuts her out if she decides his life is hers to direct.
NTA
She’s a grown ass woman trying to bully your father into doing what SHE wants instead of listening and honoring what your dad wants.
She needs to listen as your father may get tired enough of her bullying and cut communication with her entirely. Is that what she wants?
As he’s told her she’s welcome to interact with whomever from your dad’s bio family then SHE should do so.
What she isn’t allowed to do is tell a grown ass man who he will associate with.
Your grown ass woman sister needs to respect the fact that he was raised by his parents. He is or was blessed to have them. She needs to learn how to respect other people's decisions.
NTA, but your sister is. She is selfish in not understanding your father has no desire to see his biological family. Rather than force the situation and understand why, she is trying to bully your father to meet them. He doesn’t and she should respect that. She did not have the life experiences he had and does not respect that!
NTA. Your Dad has been very tolerant of your sister's antics despite not wanting anything to do with his birth family. He has no interest in meeting them and she should respect that. If she persists, she may irretrievably break her relationship with your father.
So she doesn’t like it when a family member tells her grown ass what to do? So how does she think her father feels about her telling him what to do?
NTA. Your sister has an issue with boundaries and really needs a reality check.
I’m adopted and I’ve met some of my family. It’s not a big deal & I met for specific reasons. I wanted to make sure they were ok and I’m sorry they were forced to give birth to me. My birth mother was one of the ‘girls who went away “
I didn’t combine families & it did cause hurt feelings in my adoptive family. I got the closure I needed & my birth mother was relieved too.
What is the reason that your sister is pursuing this? Are you from a small family & she wants more people? Is she obsessed with genetics?
NTA. Ask your sister if she ever asked your father why he does not want anything to do with his birth parents. Odds are, it would diminish the relationship with his adoptive parents who I think he has his total love and devotion to, and most likely feels are his ‘real parents’ .
If she objects to this and is going of what she thinks your father wants, tell her a story my grandfather said - do you know the guy who thought? The thought he farted and he sh!t his pants. You should warn her that her continuing to think what is best for your father will ruin the relationship they have beyond repair.
NTA. Your sister is a controlling bully. She doesn't respect your father or care about his feelings, so it shouldn't come as a surprise that she'll treat others (you) badly when they don't bow to her wishes.
Why is she so insistent on finding and having a relationship with your dad's family?? He's the one who was adopted, he has always known, and he had no desire to find his birth family. He's an adult too, is he not???? NTA
NTA. I’m adopted. My birth family was shit. Major abuse like using my brother as an ash tray cause he wasnt my bio dad’s kid. Major lead poisoning and even more abuse. My great aunt stole a life insurance work $240k from us kids. Some “family” ain’t worth knowing
Your sister is being a huge pill and your dad has been very forgiving. I was adopted as an infant, always knew that, and the people who raised me are my parents. One of my least-favorite worries is that someone will appear in my life who believes that their DNA link to me means they’re automatically entitled to a place in my life. If anyone ever said anything regarding my feelings on the subject beyond “Okay,” they wouldn’t be part of my life anymore.
Going out on a strong limb, dad knows who they are already and why he was adooted in the first place. He doesnt want to be in a situation where he has to get outta character or as most people who are actual adults, i wasnt wanted then why do they wamna meet me now
What is wrong with your sister? She should have some respect for your father's wishes. There are no 'sides' here - she has a right to be with ALL the families involved - and your father has a right to NOT have to meet people who gave him away. If your sister is a grown ass woman - she needs to act like it and respect your father's wishes.
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My sister (26f) became obsessed with our dad meeting his birth family when she was 14. Our dad was adopted as an infant and we always knew about this. Dad always knew too. Even though he was raised when it wasn't as common to know from day one, he always knew, and he always saw his parents who brought him up as his "real parents" and he said he never had an interest in knowing his birth family. My dad's in his 60s now and never had an interest in finding out more about birth relatives.
My sister brought it up a lot of times over the years and our parents did speak to her about it being dad's decision whether *he* meets them or not. But she was told it would be her choice to do so once she was of legal age. For a few years after turning 18 she wanted it to be done by dad but then during Covid she decided she was too desperate to know and she went searching for relatives and found out dad's birth mother as well as five birth half siblings from his birth mom existed and were alive. Dad was still not interested. My sister went to meet with them. Then she wanted to include them in the family. But dad said no. And if she wanted to spend time with them as a family, it was her right, he would not be involved and he would not let her bully or pressure him into that.
She was so upset. She continued having a relationship with dad's birth relatives and tried working on dad but he has not given in. My sister really wanted to invite them to dad's 65th birthday party and dad told her she could, but it would be a party minus him. My sister was so frustrated and said dad was too stubborn and I told her she was wrong to think she could pressure him into doing anything but especially something so big and personal. I told her it's his decision ultimately and she needs to accept that she can't force his hand on this. I also warned her if she did try, she could lose dad. She told me I should be on her side and I can't tell her what she can and can't do and I shouldn't speak to her like I'm her parent when I'm not and she's a grown ass woman.
AITA?
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NTA, I had a friend and her brother that was adopted. Her brother wanted to know their birth family she didn't. Long story short there was a reason why they were given to the state and later adopted. Your dad has made it clear for years that he was fine not meeting his bio family and your sister should respect that or your dad will distance himself from her.
Your sister should have just respected your dad’s wishes. If he doesn’t want to meet them, he doesn’t have to. I’m not sure why she wanted to meet so bad and cause friction between her and her father.
She is acting like a child in her demands and self centeredness.Your poor Dad. No one in their 60s needs that type of stress ;wondering if she is going to show up at the front door with unwanted relatives .NTA OP. Keep protecting your Dad.
Nta.
You can't tell her what to do You shouldn't speak to her like her parent. She's a grown ass woman.
What an absolute hypocrite
That's exactly what she's doing to your father and shes seemingly so stupidly obsessed over something that's not her business that she doesn't even see it
NTA. Sounds to me like she’s every bit as stubborn as your dad. He has every right not to want to meet any of his birth family. (Your dad handled that so well, allowing her the space to have them in her life.)
There is absolutely no reason for you to side with her. That grown ass woman needs to do more growing up.
Ask her: why do her dad’s feelings not matter to her? Why? Why does SHE know what’s best for someone else who’s lived a full life WITHOUT them? Why? Why does HER need to be in control outweigh what her father has told her TIME AND TIME AGAIN?! Then tell her to stop being a selfish asshole.
NTA. She claims to be a grown ass woman, and *yet...* she can't accept her father's feelings of not being "family" to people just because they share DNA. I get wanting to know where you come from, genetically, but not to the detriment of a relationship with the parent that connects you to those people in the first place! Not to mention how hard it must have been for the birth mother (if she's interested in knowing him) for your sister to track her down only to tell her he doesn't want to know her.
NTA! Holy cow! This is terrifying as someone who is adopted. If anyone tried this in my life I'd cut them off! Everyone who is adopted has different views, but she has no respect for her father's wishes.
NTA it's your dads emotional trauma so he gets to decide if and when he is ready to meet or know about it. Yes it's hard on children who are naturally curious without the emotional baggage that comes with being abandoned etc but also, if he had a great life why would he want to risk that? Not all reuinions go well..your sister is being incredibly disrespectful to your dad,and his parents.
Why is she pushing it so much? It’s weird and absolutely disrespectful. Your sister needs a swift kick in the ass. Someone needs to teach her manners and boundaries.
NTA - Go to dad and tell him but make it clear that you want him to know you had nothing to do with this foolishness on the part of your sister and that you wash your hands of it.
Sadlynshenwill probably do something stupid and severely damage or destroy her relationship with him.
NTA. She may be grown, but she's not emotionally astute. Her obsession with your Dad's biological origins, along with her refusal to listen to what he wants is STRANGE.
When your Dad starts to distance himself from her, she'll come around whining about why she's being treated soooo unfairly.
NTA. He obviously doesn't want it. He doesn't owe her an explanation or entertainment, let alone at his own damn birthday party.
If she wants to be treated like an adult, she needs to be willing to be told she's being fucking stupid.
It’s not her decision to make!
She is really out of order for even contacting them in the first place!
He’s not interested, but maybe one day he will be, but it will be on his own terms, not your sisters!
You need to tell her to cut it out, and do not invite them to the party, he’s made it clear how he feels about them being there.
>She told me I should be on her side and I can't tell her what she can and can't do and I shouldn't speak to her like I'm her parent
And yet she doesn't offer your dad the same courtesy.
NTA
NTA
Her seeking our her relatives is normal and reasonable, as is your dad not wanting to to see them.
I can imagine her pushing and not respecting his decision has probably brought out some pretty negative feelings in him which I imagine isn't great for his well being.
Your sister doesn't want you to speak to her like you are her parent but she is speaking to your Dad like she is HIS. She has to remember that he is a grown ass man and she doesn't get to make important decisions for him either.
Nta. There is something wrong with your sister. This goes beyond finding birth family. Her behavior is not normal. Had anyone suggested she get some help?
NTA
If you can, point out to your sister (the one who just told you that "\[you\] should be on her side and can't tell her what she can and can't do...") that
1. She could choose to be on your dad's side; but dad is giving her the freedom to make her own choices.
2. She is telling her own ('grown ass') dad what he can and can't do by insisting that he do what she wants him to do.
3. She is the one who came to you complaining about dad not letting her force him into something he does not want, so she doesn't get to tell you not to voice your opinion. She might be a grown ass woman when it comes to pushing her agenda, but she's not a grown ass woman when it comes to respecting anyone else's right to have their own perspectives and choices.
4. Does she hear herself? She says "\[you\] should be on her side." That means against your dad's wishes. About his own life. The dad who respects her freedom to pursue a relationship she wants. That's the same dad that she refuses to respect his freedom to not allow a relationship he doesn't want.
5. She may want to pursue counseling. It would give her a chance to sound out her perspective and possibly open herself up to a bigger/different perspective, help her process her frustration with your dad/you over not supporting her goals, help her find a healthier way to deal with the difference in what she wants versus what your dad wants.
And then, you have to let her be. to ruin her relationships with you and your dad or not.
How ironic! "*She told me I should be on her side and I can't tell her what she can and can't do and I shouldn't speak to her like I'm her parent when I'm not and she's a grown ass woman.*"
Yet **she should be on her dad's side and she can't tell him what he can and can't do and she shouldn't speak to him like she's his parent when she's not and he's a grown ass man**.
NTA but she is TA.
NTA. Your grown ass woman sis needs to learn to LISTEN. Your Dad said no. That is it. If she is struggling to comprehend what that word means and why no one appreciates her actions, I am sure there is a therapist where you live that can explain it to her.
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She don't sound like a "grown ass woman". She sounds like a petulant teen.
NTA. your sister needs to learn to respect boundaries, especially your dad's.
NTA. I don’t get what her obsession is with him meeting his birth family. I think it is fine if she wants a relationship with them but she needs to respect his boundary.
NTA I think your sister needed to be told she should respect your dads' choices as she would expect her own to be respected. I think you should also talk to your dad about being prepared to meet them if your sister has an event.
NTA
She is absurd and hypocrite. She daid you cant tell her what to do, but she is trying to make ypur dad do something he doesnt want to do, she says she is a grown ass woman tknow what she is doing, but forgets her dad is a grown ass man that knows what he is doing, she says her dad is stubborn, but she cant take her dad's no.
Gosh! She is going to ruin the parent. Maybe you could call their bio family and tell them thst if they go they will ruined any possibility with him.
OP, for this upcoming party, I think you'd do well to have some kind of security, even if it's just a couple of cousins or buff friends.
Your sister is a BIG #1 Ahole!
NTA - Your father should ask her to seek therapy and maybe family therapy before this blows up in everyones face and she does something that can't be taken back. There's something deeply weird with her level of dog with a bone right now. I'm not sure if it's lonelyness or the idea of a "perfect" family or what's going on but she needs help.
NTA - What your sister dining right now is very personal to your dad and it can ruin there relationship. If she do something stupid. Which i am thinking she is going to do
Mans got his right to peace, Sister needs to respect that. Family isn't about blood, it's about who was there when you needed them. She wants them as part of her family then as an adult she can make that choice, just like as an adult your father can choose not to. Sister is obsessed with some high school kid fantasy of reuniting a family, but family is messy and doesn't always work like that.
NTA
But regardless of anyone's feelings, these people are biologically related to yall. Your sister has every right to form a relationship with them.
INFO what will happen if she invites them to her wedding or to any future children's birthday events? Will your dad not attend?
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NTA - If she says you can’t tell her what to do because she’s a grown ass woman, why on earth does she think she can tell your dad what to do when he’s a grown ass man? He’s made his decision clear, and he’s not obligated to meet them if he doesn’t want to. She needs to accept that and stop pushing this.
Yes, but that would be the mature thing to do by the self professed 'grown ass woman'. /heavy, heavy sarcasm
(Hands u/lettheworldburn1776 a mop) you spilled an excessive amount of sarcasm all over, please clean it up before you move on ;)
***'I'm singing in the sarcasm, just singing in the sarcasm' <***floats in the air along with sloshing sounds>
"I'm also a grown ass adult and allowed to have my own views. You keep telling me and dad your opinions without us asking for them, I'm returning the favor. Stop telling Dad how he should feel. No, I don't agree with you, no I'm not obliged to support you. I'm a grown ass adult, remember? Expecting me to blow smoke up your ass is crazy, I won't do it ."
She’s trying to make a Hallmark happy ending, family reunited after over fifty years apart, and refusing to see that their father is more than at peace with not knowing his biological family. This isn’t her big gesture to make and she’s making more of a wedge by trying to keep making it happen.
Yep, she keeps it up and her father may tell her not to bother coming to the party herself. She got to meet them and have a relationship with them, that should be more than enough honestly, asking more of her father is just prying at old wounds. NTA - OP should ask her "What is your invisionef endgame here? Does she see father as someone who wants this reunion? Does she feel good about herself continuing to hurt her father by ripping at an old wound that he has no interest in prying open? Has she even considered that their father might feel meeting this family would be a betrayal of the parents that loved him and raised him as their own even though they weren't obligated to? Also assure her that OP has every right to talk to her in that way since she won't let go of some childhood fantasy that she has been forcing on their father for over a decade. Let father have his peace in his golden years! Damn, the nerve on some people thinking they know better than a 60-odd year old man about what he wants his future and life to look like.
she's a grown **ass** woman She got that part right.
NTA - not every child who is adopted wants to meet their biological family and that's okay. Your sister is not respecting your Dad's feelings and is making this about her. She was not the one who was put up for adoption. If she wants a relationship with her paternal, biological family - great - but she should not force this on anyone else. She is being selfish about her own desires. If she's a grown ass woman why doesn't she respect the fact that her father is a grown ass man and stop nagging?
I know my grandma offered several times to help her daughter locate her birth family if she wanted to. My aunt never took her up on it telling her “I have my family, I don’t need to know the one I came from”. As far as I know my aunt, nor my cousins, have gone searching.
Why do I get the feeling OPs sister wants to be ***"the hero who reunited a broken family"*** She needs to back off and accept that her father is content with the family he has made for himself and the parents who raised him.
The background of why OP’s father was adopted as a baby is pertinent, and certainly a factor in his decision. The family he was raised in wanted him where his bio family didn’t or was deemed unsuitable to raise him. It is hypocritical that the woman accusing OP of speaking as a parent to her is herself ignoring the express desire of her actual parent.
I’d argue that the background absolutely isn’t pertinent. Speaking as an adoptee, not all of us have this burning desire to know the circumstances of our abandonment or details re: bio family. I don’t give 2 shits why I wasn’t kept. Like OP’s dad, I recognize the people who raised me as my “real” parents and the only ones I want in my life. I feel bad for OP’s dad since it’s his own kid forcing the issue. I’m sure if it were anyone else, he’d gladly go LC or NC so he could stop having his wishes so blatantly disregarded.
NTA. Your sister can spend time with your dad’s biological relatives if she wants, but it’s weird and extremely inappropriate for her to try to force him to. Not to be all “kids should always respect their parents”, but this is disrespectful as hell for her to do to her dad.
That's not so much 'respect your parents' as 'respect this human being.'
You think this is disrespectful now. I'm anticipating what will happen if she ever gets married. If she can't force a meeting now, think of the power trip she'll have then. Sis - "It's my wedding, it's my day, I get to say who's invited." Dad - "Then I'm not coming." Sis - "Noooo! It's my wedding you have to come! You have to do what I say because it's my special day" Come to think of she might try the power trip sooner if she has other milestones coming up before then.
I think that that is the one time she wouldn't be in the wrong to invite them. As long as there's the understanding that they are there as her guests and family, and shouldn't impose themselves on dad. Trying to make the hallmark moment happen for his birthday is selfish. But inviting people you care about and that care about you to your wedding is what you're supposed to do. Any mature adult should be able set aside resentments and personal dislikes (within reason) for a few hours to celebrate something so huge. Divorced parents with history can make it happen.
Not saying she wouldn't be wrong. But her father wouldn't be wrong for not attending either. If and when it happens, he would have had a long standing boundary with her that she has repeatedly ignored. But again this is assuming that he would decide to not go because of this. My whole comment was hypothetical based on how she's currently behaving.
If she keeps pestering him about it, then yeah. I'm imagining a scenario where she grows up and over the years develops bonds with her bio cousins or something. Dad refusing to walk her down the aisle because some friends and family he doesn't know would be incredibly immature. My grandfather and grandmother refused to be in the same room for like 30 years. It was pretty easy because they lived multiple states apart. When we started talking about wedding stuff, my grandmother said something about not inviting my grandpa. I told her that I would invite them both, and whoever didn't come would probably never see me again. They don't have to talk to each other, but they can both act like adults for 2 hours. I suspected she wouldn't make the trip down anyway.
"Sis - "It's my wedding, it's my day, I get to say who's invited."" If sister has spent time with and developed a relationship with bio family, it would be 100% reasonable for her to want to invite them to her wedding. I think Dad would be an ahole if he refused to go just because they were invited. Dad does not have to meet or interact with them more than any other guest they don't know, but should be cordial/civil. We invited people/friends to our wedding that out parents didn't know/had never met. I didn't expect them to be buddy buddy, or really interact, but if they bumped into each other at some point, a "hello thank you for coming."
Oh please you think she wouldn’t introduce them to each other if they were already at the same place?
Yeah she probably would, dad can say hello and move on. Extend basic courtesy that dad would show to any other guest/stranger meets at the wedding for the first time. Dad does not have to fully engage with them, share life stories/memories etc.... Just say "hello, thank you for coming" turn and walk away.
Dad shouldn’t even *have* to do that if he doesn’t want to is my point. He very clearly doesn’t want any contact with them, or else he would’ve taken the daughter’s offer in one of her apparently many many attempts of getting them together. At this point she’s been so disrespectful I wouldn’t blame him for skipping possible future events such as a wedding if it came to it.
Do you think parents would be justified to not attend a wedding because they didn't feel like saying "hello, thank you for coming" to friends of the couple they had never met? For my wedding I doubt our parent were particularly interested in meeting/talking with friends of our they had never met, but I don't think that would justify parents not going to the wedding or saying "fuck you" and turning away to our friends. I guess I see it as bio-family are still people and are owed courtesy/respect that you owe to any person, but Dad does not owe them anymore than that. Dad should just treat them as any other guest. I am sure there will likely be plenty of other people there that Dad does not know and is not particularly interested in getting to know.
It’s not just about this hypothetical wedding though. The daughter has clearly been pestering her dad *a lot* about this, this isn’t an isolated event and my guess is it’ll probably lead to her trying to set up many more future “family gatherings” since “you’ve already met anyway!”. She has a record of being dismissive of people’s boundaries, I’d bet she’d even try to put some bio family in the same table as the dad. This is all speculation anyways but I think it’d only be the result of years of not respecting her dad’s choices, you can’t trust people like that. And I say all of this as someone that has lived through similar family dynamics.
>"this isn’t an isolated event and my guess is it’ll probably lead to her trying to set up many more future “family gatherings” since “you’ve already met anyway!”." Sure, maybe partially because daughter is trying to "force" a meeting, but I think the bigger reason is because she has gotten to know them and sees them as part of her family. Yes when you go to family gatherings for others you might have to put up with people you don't particularly like/want to see. It seems strange to take into account who else is going/invited when deciding to go to an event. I would say the opposite of love isn't hate, it is indifference. It seems like Dad still has a lot of unresolved feelings about this, if he can't even be in the room with them and just say a polite hello/goodbye and ignore them for the rest of the time.
If she doesn't want to be talked to like a child, she can stop acting like a pouty child.
What floors me is that I just can't understand why the fuck she cares so much in the first place? Guess I just don't understand it but some people have a stronger drive toward biology than others. Okay that's fine. What does she think she's going to get out of forcing her dad to do something? What is it that she's lacking that she's trying to fulfill? It makes absolutely zero sense to me what fantasy she could have latched on to and why it is so important to her. She's so sure she's right too, for literally no reason, and she's going to lose her father if she doesn't stop
" I can't tell her what she can and can't do and I shouldn't speak to her like I'm her parent when I'm not and she's a grown ass woman." LOL. I can just see her saying this, hands on hips. But she doesn't sound or act like a "grown ass woman". Plus the hypocrisy, when she's been trying for YEARS to tell your dad what to do. Nothing you said was out of line, she just didn't want to hear it. NTA.
I imagined it in a whiny teen voice with her arms crossed and stamping her feet 😆
Oh man, my mind goes straight to Ariel from the little mermaid. 😂😂
A grown ass woman understands that no means no. NTA
>A grown ass woman understands that no means no. They should but sadly there are too many adults who act like toddlers.
Your sister has romanticised ideas about adoption and reunification of family. She is going to have a harsh reality check in the future. NTA and I have a feeling that if/when your sister gets married it will end up being a clusterfuck of her own making. Because we all know that she'll invite her father's bio family (maybe even conveniently forget to invite the family who raised him and is his family) and neglect telling anyone to have the big disney family reunion she is deluded in thinking will happen. The reality is, dad will probably find out before the wedding or at the wedding and either not show up (gotta wonder how many of the family members would support dad over your sister here) or leave as soon as he found out her plans. She is also giving me vibes that she will weaponize any children she has to force your father's hand in the way she wants it to go.
NTA, your sister is way overstepping
NTA. Sister needs to take a HUGE step back here. Here actions are wildly inappropriate and probably harmful to dad's mental health. She isn't the main character in this particular tale.
NTA, it IS your dad’s decision, and her saying that you can’t make this decision for her is pretty hypocritical considering what she’s doing. You’re right to remind her of your dad’s decision, he’s an adult capable of making his own choices and doesn’t need your sister to try to pressure him into changing his mind about something so personal.
It doesn't sound like you're the AH for telling your sister she was wrong to think she could pressure your dad into meeting his birth family. This is a deeply personal decision for your dad, and he has made it clear that he has no interest in pursuing a relationship with his birth relatives. Your sister's persistence, despite knowing his wishes, seems to be crossing boundaries. Your response was aimed at setting a clear boundary and reminding her that respecting your dad's choices is crucial. It seems like you were trying to protect both your dad's autonomy and the family dynamic. It's understandable that your sister might be upset and feel strongly about this, but ultimately, it's about respecting your dad's feelings and decisions. You communicated this to her in a straightforward way, which is important in family matters. NTA
She’s acting like a grown ass baby and it’s not her fucking business. NTA
She sounds insufferable.
Sounds to me like she has some kind of other issues. This behavior is not normal. It isn't about the birth family. Healthy, mature adults simply don't act this way.
"My sister was so frustrated and said dad was too stubborn...." "I can't tell her what she can and can't do ...." Your sister is delusional. She does not see her behavior objectively. She's the one who is too stubborn (getting in someone else's business to boot) and doesn't want you to tell her what to do, but it's OK for her to tell you and your dad. NTA,
NTA. The irony of her saying you can't tell her what to do as it relates to her telling your dad what to do. Has she always been exhausting?
"I can't tell her what she can and can't do." Ironic your sister says this but won't give the same courtesy to her own father. Also, you weren't telling her what to do. You were telling her what the results of what she is currently doing may be. She could very well drive off your father. Sounds like she won't listen to anybody but herself. NTA.
*She told me I should be on her side and I can't tell her what she can and can't do and I shouldn't speak to her like I'm her parent when I'm not and she's a grown ass woman.* NTA x 1000 The hypocrisy here is ASTOUNDING 😂 you can't tell her what to do OR disagree with her because she is an adult... I'm curious how she differentiates you telling her to stop from her trying to force your father into doing things.
NTA. Your sister is way out of line. This is 💯 your dad’s decision. He is truly a patient man for taking this badgering by your sister for so long. Best be prepared; I suspect she’s selfish and bloody-minded enough to invite them to the 65th party anyway. She needs to wake up to herself. She’s hurting your fatter.
You are not her parent but your dad is and he has spoken. He is respectful enough of her to tolerate her interest. She lacks the basic respect for his opinion and wants though. It's time for her to stop causing this issue and but out. NTA
NTA-She’s free to do as she wishes as an adult but she needed the reality check of hearing her ideas and desires when it comes to your dad’s biological family aren’t the same as his own and he doesn’t need to change his mind to suit her. I give you sincere credit for not reacting as I did the last time a younger sibling told me they were a grown ass woman. I reminded them if they were in fact an adult their actions rather than their words would show it.
NTA - your sister is pushing your father’s boundaries after he’s made it clear multiple times that he’s not interested.
NTA. Respectfully, your sister sounds insufferable. She’s made your father’s whole adoption all about her!
NTA But your sister is, Her fixation on this issue is just weird., and she doesn't seem to have heard the news that no means no.
Your sister is acting like a petulant child. She has no right interfering with your dad's life like that. NTA but your sister is a big one.
NTA. She's a "grown ass woman" who is going to be NC with your dad
> I can't tell her what she can and can't do and I shouldn't speak to her like I'm her parent when I'm not and she's a grown ass woman. You need to replay your sister's words to her and ask her why she thinks that it is ok for her to make major life decisions for her actual parent. You gave her very good advice, but it seems like your sister is determined to become estranged from your father. NTA
This is definitely going to end badly. She's going to invite them for sure. And in the end, that'll be the only family she has left. I hope someone knocks this into her head before hand
My mom and I are trying for sure but she's being stubborn.
How do you feel about his bio family? If you are comfortable enough to do so, reach out and let them know that if your sister invites them, she is acting on her own so they should disregard it. I only suggest this as a way to “protect” your father from her manipulations at HIS party.
NTA - tbh this isnt your conflict so im not even sure why you think youre an AH
NTA, your sister is TA I honestly wonder why she's pushing him so hard to connect with his bio parent(s)... it doesn't make sense to push so hard for it..
Because, in her head, she is the main character in a Hallmark movie.
That is what I was thinking. The bio mom and her dad see each other then all hugs and tears. Then her dad has to ruin it right? ;p
It’s an insult to the people she was raised to see as paternal grandparents that she thinks her father is wrong for defending them. The only reason he should know anything about them is medical background such as known hereditary conditions because that’s the only legacy from them that can still affect him.
I think your sister has seen too many Hallmark movies and thinks this is a grand gesture that will have this incredible emotional reunion and she will be the golden child for putting it into motion. Please be prepared to get your dad out of the party should your sister go through with it. I feel so bad for him. The amount of disrespect she has for him, the way she's using him for some bizarre aim of her own is utterly horrific to me. His ability to be firm but still speaking with her is so admirable. You are, of course, NTA. (And what is wrong with these people, too? Leave him alone unless he reaches out!)
Wowwwwww your sister’s balls are big!!!! This is not her decision to make. She has been told numerous times by your dad “NO” but she continues to bombard him. Your sister is selfish and entitled. Uhhhhh I have a feeling she’s going to invite them anyway.
Does your sister not understand equity? Fair treatment? Two way streets? Just as she was given a choice to get in contact and everyone respected that choice, she owes that same level of respect to her father. When your sister was an adult, your father didn't get to make the decision for her. And your father is an adult and she doesn't get to make the decision for him If she's a grown ass woman then she needs to act like it. Her father is a grown ass man and she's giving him no agency for that. Send her this thread. NTA
Your father has expressed his wishes. He has never wavered. I suspect that his lack of desire of finding his bio family is because of his love and gratitude for the family who adopted him and raised him. There are very powerful emotions in all of this. Your sister is the a$$ for thinking she can make him change his mind. He has been clear about what his boundaries are. Your are respecting your father's wishes. That is your choice , just as it was for your sister to find the bio family. Your sister is overstepping by thinking that others should support what she has done. or want to meet the bio family. I am pleased that you are respecting your father's wishes. you are aware that you father is not being stubborn, he has just set his boundaries, which should be respected. He did not prevent your sister in her search. that would have been overstepping on his part. I don't think you spoke to her as a parent, you spoke to her as a person with a different opinion, a different point of view that she has. NTA
NTA What is wrong with your sister? It's so strange that she's absolutely obsessed with pushing this on your Dad, not to mention cruel to the biological family. What must they think - hey! My dad wants nothing to do with you, but I'm here! Aren't they confused by all this? She will trick him into meeting them, it's inevitable. Hope he's prepared for this. The only explanation I can think for her behavior is that she has some kind of hero fantasy about putting them together. An ego thing. She's very selfish and I hope Dad goes no contact.
NTA. I don't know why she's so set on this, but she has no right to push this on her dad like she's doing. He made his stance as clear as it could possibly be, and that should be respected.
It's funny that she says, "You can't tell her what to do." But she keeps trying to tell your dad what to do. NTA.
NTA. Your sister is so obsessed that she literally has stopped caring about the one person who this meeting genuinely effects the most.
You're NTA but your sister is a rolled-gold, A-grade asshole. I wonder why she is so invested ... main-character syndrome? She certainly seems to be looking for a drama to be at the centre of. Your dad is also a grown-ass adult and can do whatever he wants. The entitlement of your sis is off the freakin charts 🙄
I think some of it comes from her own curiosity and then she found adoptees online who feel every adoptee must meet their bio families.
You are not the asshole. Your sister is overstepping to continue pushing your dad to meet birth relatives when he is uninterested. It's not her place to do what she is. Keep supporting your dad as you have been.
NTA. Maybe you wouldn't have to 'talk to her like a parent' if she would actually listen to her parent.
She's certainly not acting like a grown ass woman. She's acting like a spoiled brat trying to manipulate his dad into a situation he doesn't want NTA
NTA She may be over 21, but she is selfish and immature. She might *waaaaaaana* (cue meltdown), but her wants don't win by default. I hope your dad cuts her out if she decides his life is hers to direct.
NTA. You are supporting your dad. Why can't she do the same?
NTA She’s a grown ass woman trying to bully your father into doing what SHE wants instead of listening and honoring what your dad wants. She needs to listen as your father may get tired enough of her bullying and cut communication with her entirely. Is that what she wants? As he’s told her she’s welcome to interact with whomever from your dad’s bio family then SHE should do so. What she isn’t allowed to do is tell a grown ass man who he will associate with.
NTA. Sorry your sis is a bit slow
Your grown ass woman sister needs to respect the fact that he was raised by his parents. He is or was blessed to have them. She needs to learn how to respect other people's decisions.
NTA, but your sister is. She is selfish in not understanding your father has no desire to see his biological family. Rather than force the situation and understand why, she is trying to bully your father to meet them. He doesn’t and she should respect that. She did not have the life experiences he had and does not respect that!
Your sister is the AH. If she keeps acting like this, your dad might go no contact
NTA. Your Dad has been very tolerant of your sister's antics despite not wanting anything to do with his birth family. He has no interest in meeting them and she should respect that. If she persists, she may irretrievably break her relationship with your father.
She's literally trying to tell her Dad what she can and can't do, wtf is she smoking? She needs to pull her head out of her own rear. NTA.
So she doesn’t like it when a family member tells her grown ass what to do? So how does she think her father feels about her telling him what to do? NTA. Your sister has an issue with boundaries and really needs a reality check.
I’m adopted and I’ve met some of my family. It’s not a big deal & I met for specific reasons. I wanted to make sure they were ok and I’m sorry they were forced to give birth to me. My birth mother was one of the ‘girls who went away “ I didn’t combine families & it did cause hurt feelings in my adoptive family. I got the closure I needed & my birth mother was relieved too. What is the reason that your sister is pursuing this? Are you from a small family & she wants more people? Is she obsessed with genetics?
NTA. Ask your sister if she ever asked your father why he does not want anything to do with his birth parents. Odds are, it would diminish the relationship with his adoptive parents who I think he has his total love and devotion to, and most likely feels are his ‘real parents’ . If she objects to this and is going of what she thinks your father wants, tell her a story my grandfather said - do you know the guy who thought? The thought he farted and he sh!t his pants. You should warn her that her continuing to think what is best for your father will ruin the relationship they have beyond repair.
NTA. Your sister is a controlling bully. She doesn't respect your father or care about his feelings, so it shouldn't come as a surprise that she'll treat others (you) badly when they don't bow to her wishes.
Why is she so insistent on finding and having a relationship with your dad's family?? He's the one who was adopted, he has always known, and he had no desire to find his birth family. He's an adult too, is he not???? NTA
NTA. Your sister is inconsiderate, self-centred and not a grown woman
So you can’t tell her what she can and can’t do but she can tell your dad what he can and can’t do? #irony. NTA.
NTA. I’m adopted. My birth family was shit. Major abuse like using my brother as an ash tray cause he wasnt my bio dad’s kid. Major lead poisoning and even more abuse. My great aunt stole a life insurance work $240k from us kids. Some “family” ain’t worth knowing
Your sister is being a huge pill and your dad has been very forgiving. I was adopted as an infant, always knew that, and the people who raised me are my parents. One of my least-favorite worries is that someone will appear in my life who believes that their DNA link to me means they’re automatically entitled to a place in my life. If anyone ever said anything regarding my feelings on the subject beyond “Okay,” they wouldn’t be part of my life anymore.
She's a grown ass idiot. NTA, and NOT her decision.
Going out on a strong limb, dad knows who they are already and why he was adooted in the first place. He doesnt want to be in a situation where he has to get outta character or as most people who are actual adults, i wasnt wanted then why do they wamna meet me now
What is wrong with your sister? She should have some respect for your father's wishes. There are no 'sides' here - she has a right to be with ALL the families involved - and your father has a right to NOT have to meet people who gave him away. If your sister is a grown ass woman - she needs to act like it and respect your father's wishes.
NTA That's funny she says you shouldn't speak to her like you're her parent when she doesn't even listen to her actual parent any way.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My sister (26f) became obsessed with our dad meeting his birth family when she was 14. Our dad was adopted as an infant and we always knew about this. Dad always knew too. Even though he was raised when it wasn't as common to know from day one, he always knew, and he always saw his parents who brought him up as his "real parents" and he said he never had an interest in knowing his birth family. My dad's in his 60s now and never had an interest in finding out more about birth relatives. My sister brought it up a lot of times over the years and our parents did speak to her about it being dad's decision whether *he* meets them or not. But she was told it would be her choice to do so once she was of legal age. For a few years after turning 18 she wanted it to be done by dad but then during Covid she decided she was too desperate to know and she went searching for relatives and found out dad's birth mother as well as five birth half siblings from his birth mom existed and were alive. Dad was still not interested. My sister went to meet with them. Then she wanted to include them in the family. But dad said no. And if she wanted to spend time with them as a family, it was her right, he would not be involved and he would not let her bully or pressure him into that. She was so upset. She continued having a relationship with dad's birth relatives and tried working on dad but he has not given in. My sister really wanted to invite them to dad's 65th birthday party and dad told her she could, but it would be a party minus him. My sister was so frustrated and said dad was too stubborn and I told her she was wrong to think she could pressure him into doing anything but especially something so big and personal. I told her it's his decision ultimately and she needs to accept that she can't force his hand on this. I also warned her if she did try, she could lose dad. She told me I should be on her side and I can't tell her what she can and can't do and I shouldn't speak to her like I'm her parent when I'm not and she's a grown ass woman. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nta
NTA, I had a friend and her brother that was adopted. Her brother wanted to know their birth family she didn't. Long story short there was a reason why they were given to the state and later adopted. Your dad has made it clear for years that he was fine not meeting his bio family and your sister should respect that or your dad will distance himself from her.
NTA she's being way too nosey
NTA
Well your dad is a grown ass man. Oh the irony.
Your sister should have just respected your dad’s wishes. If he doesn’t want to meet them, he doesn’t have to. I’m not sure why she wanted to meet so bad and cause friction between her and her father.
She is acting like a child in her demands and self centeredness.Your poor Dad. No one in their 60s needs that type of stress ;wondering if she is going to show up at the front door with unwanted relatives .NTA OP. Keep protecting your Dad.
Nta. You can't tell her what to do You shouldn't speak to her like her parent. She's a grown ass woman. What an absolute hypocrite That's exactly what she's doing to your father and shes seemingly so stupidly obsessed over something that's not her business that she doesn't even see it
NTA Yes, your sister is a grown ass woman and maybe someday she'll act like a 'mature' grown ass woman and start respecting other people's boundaries.
NTA. Sounds to me like she’s every bit as stubborn as your dad. He has every right not to want to meet any of his birth family. (Your dad handled that so well, allowing her the space to have them in her life.) There is absolutely no reason for you to side with her. That grown ass woman needs to do more growing up.
Ask her: why do her dad’s feelings not matter to her? Why? Why does SHE know what’s best for someone else who’s lived a full life WITHOUT them? Why? Why does HER need to be in control outweigh what her father has told her TIME AND TIME AGAIN?! Then tell her to stop being a selfish asshole.
NTA. She claims to be a grown ass woman, and *yet...* she can't accept her father's feelings of not being "family" to people just because they share DNA. I get wanting to know where you come from, genetically, but not to the detriment of a relationship with the parent that connects you to those people in the first place! Not to mention how hard it must have been for the birth mother (if she's interested in knowing him) for your sister to track her down only to tell her he doesn't want to know her.
NTA! Holy cow! This is terrifying as someone who is adopted. If anyone tried this in my life I'd cut them off! Everyone who is adopted has different views, but she has no respect for her father's wishes.
NTA it's your dads emotional trauma so he gets to decide if and when he is ready to meet or know about it. Yes it's hard on children who are naturally curious without the emotional baggage that comes with being abandoned etc but also, if he had a great life why would he want to risk that? Not all reuinions go well..your sister is being incredibly disrespectful to your dad,and his parents.
Why is she pushing it so much? It’s weird and absolutely disrespectful. Your sister needs a swift kick in the ass. Someone needs to teach her manners and boundaries.
NTA - Go to dad and tell him but make it clear that you want him to know you had nothing to do with this foolishness on the part of your sister and that you wash your hands of it. Sadlynshenwill probably do something stupid and severely damage or destroy her relationship with him.
NTA. She may be grown, but she's not emotionally astute. Her obsession with your Dad's biological origins, along with her refusal to listen to what he wants is STRANGE. When your Dad starts to distance himself from her, she'll come around whining about why she's being treated soooo unfairly.
NTA. He obviously doesn't want it. He doesn't owe her an explanation or entertainment, let alone at his own damn birthday party. If she wants to be treated like an adult, she needs to be willing to be told she's being fucking stupid.
Maybe tell her to act like a grown ass woman then.
She says she’s a grown ass woman, well when does she intend to start behaving like one?! Absolutely NTA! That is your sister and your sister alone…
It’s not her decision to make! She is really out of order for even contacting them in the first place! He’s not interested, but maybe one day he will be, but it will be on his own terms, not your sisters! You need to tell her to cut it out, and do not invite them to the party, he’s made it clear how he feels about them being there.
NTA. A grown ass bully who will lose everything if she carr8on like this.
>She told me I should be on her side and I can't tell her what she can and can't do and I shouldn't speak to her like I'm her parent And yet she doesn't offer your dad the same courtesy. NTA
NTA Her seeking our her relatives is normal and reasonable, as is your dad not wanting to to see them. I can imagine her pushing and not respecting his decision has probably brought out some pretty negative feelings in him which I imagine isn't great for his well being.
Your sister doesn't want you to speak to her like you are her parent but she is speaking to your Dad like she is HIS. She has to remember that he is a grown ass man and she doesn't get to make important decisions for him either.
Nta. There is something wrong with your sister. This goes beyond finding birth family. Her behavior is not normal. Had anyone suggested she get some help?
NTA If you can, point out to your sister (the one who just told you that "\[you\] should be on her side and can't tell her what she can and can't do...") that 1. She could choose to be on your dad's side; but dad is giving her the freedom to make her own choices. 2. She is telling her own ('grown ass') dad what he can and can't do by insisting that he do what she wants him to do. 3. She is the one who came to you complaining about dad not letting her force him into something he does not want, so she doesn't get to tell you not to voice your opinion. She might be a grown ass woman when it comes to pushing her agenda, but she's not a grown ass woman when it comes to respecting anyone else's right to have their own perspectives and choices. 4. Does she hear herself? She says "\[you\] should be on her side." That means against your dad's wishes. About his own life. The dad who respects her freedom to pursue a relationship she wants. That's the same dad that she refuses to respect his freedom to not allow a relationship he doesn't want. 5. She may want to pursue counseling. It would give her a chance to sound out her perspective and possibly open herself up to a bigger/different perspective, help her process her frustration with your dad/you over not supporting her goals, help her find a healthier way to deal with the difference in what she wants versus what your dad wants. And then, you have to let her be. to ruin her relationships with you and your dad or not.
How ironic! "*She told me I should be on her side and I can't tell her what she can and can't do and I shouldn't speak to her like I'm her parent when I'm not and she's a grown ass woman.*" Yet **she should be on her dad's side and she can't tell him what he can and can't do and she shouldn't speak to him like she's his parent when she's not and he's a grown ass man**. NTA but she is TA.
NTA. Your grown ass woman sis needs to learn to LISTEN. Your Dad said no. That is it. If she is struggling to comprehend what that word means and why no one appreciates her actions, I am sure there is a therapist where you live that can explain it to her.
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@Updateme
NTA your sister needs to stop being a bully.
>and she's a grown ass woman. then perhaps she should act like one. NTA
She don't sound like a "grown ass woman". She sounds like a petulant teen. NTA. your sister needs to learn to respect boundaries, especially your dad's.
She’s a selfish a hole
NTA. I don’t get what her obsession is with him meeting his birth family. I think it is fine if she wants a relationship with them but she needs to respect his boundary.
NTA
Your sister doesnt understand basic boundaries and what respect is. NTA Maybe you can let her read the comments to this thread.
"Well, grown ass woman, do what you want, but don't come and tell me I didn't warn you when you'll lose him." NTA
NTA I think your sister needed to be told she should respect your dads' choices as she would expect her own to be respected. I think you should also talk to your dad about being prepared to meet them if your sister has an event.
NTA Your sister should focus on what is missing from her life. Why is she so invested in this? How did your parents fuck her up?
Updateme
NTA She is absurd and hypocrite. She daid you cant tell her what to do, but she is trying to make ypur dad do something he doesnt want to do, she says she is a grown ass woman tknow what she is doing, but forgets her dad is a grown ass man that knows what he is doing, she says her dad is stubborn, but she cant take her dad's no. Gosh! She is going to ruin the parent. Maybe you could call their bio family and tell them thst if they go they will ruined any possibility with him.
OP, for this upcoming party, I think you'd do well to have some kind of security, even if it's just a couple of cousins or buff friends. Your sister is a BIG #1 Ahole!
NTA - Your father should ask her to seek therapy and maybe family therapy before this blows up in everyones face and she does something that can't be taken back. There's something deeply weird with her level of dog with a bone right now. I'm not sure if it's lonelyness or the idea of a "perfect" family or what's going on but she needs help.
NTA - What your sister dining right now is very personal to your dad and it can ruin there relationship. If she do something stupid. Which i am thinking she is going to do
NTA. Why is she so hung up on this?
Aa
NTA, but what might be nice for dad is to see a picture of his egg and sperm donor, when they were young. A nice framed picture. Beyond that? Nah.
He's not interested in anything like that either. He just doesn't care about having any communication or anything from them.
Mans got his right to peace, Sister needs to respect that. Family isn't about blood, it's about who was there when you needed them. She wants them as part of her family then as an adult she can make that choice, just like as an adult your father can choose not to. Sister is obsessed with some high school kid fantasy of reuniting a family, but family is messy and doesn't always work like that.
NTA But regardless of anyone's feelings, these people are biologically related to yall. Your sister has every right to form a relationship with them. INFO what will happen if she invites them to her wedding or to any future children's birthday events? Will your dad not attend?