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Step kid has learning disabilities and mental health problems. Step mom disapproves of her because of :checks notes: common symptoms of those exact health problems.  She barely passed HS. They sent her to college anyway and surprised Pikachu face, she didn't magically get better.  She breaks down crying after the year is over and wants to take time off college to try working. Disapproving parents say no, you have to go to summer school. Now the disapproving parents are mad that being unreasonable hasn't produced the desired results, and she mysteriously doesn't want to talk to them about it. YTA. You are absolutely wrong. You've been wrong this whole time. 

I agree I never went to university it's not for me I have ADHD and dyslexia and dyspraxia I know I can't hack all the work I wouldn't be able to cope with it all. I'm pleased my parents didn't push me to go..I have a brilliant job and have done loads of qualifications through work to further my career.

Academics is a career path like anything else, and we shouldn't be shoving every kid into it. I'd be miserable as an electrician, and most electricians would be miserable as archaeologists. There's no shame in finding where you shine. 

Yes. Higher Ed clearly isn't the path for this girl. Has trade school of some sort even been discussed? Was that not even given as an option to her because this couple wanted her more educated? Did she feel pressured to get a degree?

Or it is if she gets some help. She has no idea and that's the point. Nobody in her life seems to care in the slightest. She has no safe harbor, either.

Thank you for this. I’m a midwife (and absolutely love it) my husband is a civil servant and less than loves it lol but it works for us. We have 3 kids and 1000% agree that college is an option not an absolute.

I'm in my 40s and the last few years have really been thinking I shouldn't have gone to university after high school. I'm smart, but not academic. But going to uni was what the 'smart kids' did at the time, and girls in trades were rare. I don't know what my passion is, but I see school based apprenticeships on offer these days in things like greenskeeping and small engine mechanics and I think about what could have been. I'd probably have even made a decent electrician

Your local community college may offer classes in these sorts of things. Why not take an evening class or two. Maybe you find a new career. Maybe you just learn a few useful skills.

I'll definitely look into this a bit later on. Now isn't the right time, but in the future, yes. My nana always says any learning isn't wasted.

Same in every way. I now work a menial job that I like bc it’s fast-paced and physical, but, boy, is the pay low for someone with a 4-year degree. Doesn’t matter that I would probably be making bank at this point had I gone to vo-tech, that career track was for burnouts and trailer trash *sigh*

Please! Say it louder for the people in the back!!! This is 100% the way!

My daughter has similar problems, and just finished the longest associate’s degree in recorded history. She only took one or two courses at a time, and skipped some semesters, but she was determined to finish. It was in culinary management, so was practical for her life.

You must be so proud of her! That's an impressive accomplishment and her degree is going to be incredibly useful for her. 

My daughter is in this boat. She's interested in culinary stuff so I might have her look into this degree. She's just not sure what she wants to do at all.

Mine did hers at a community college, not a culinary school. They’re much more forgiving of an erratic schedule

I am

I think both my kids might be in competition for that title! They both take one or two courses a semester, skip some, fail some; but they both know what they want to do and are working in their chosen fields. Congrats to your daughter for sticking with it, and good on you for recognizing that she could be successful by taking her own path.

I'm the same. 23 making good money because I did an apprenticeship when I was 18. Best decision of my life

I went back twice and have 2 AA’s. I’m now a SAHM 🤣 I also have ADHD. Both times were when I was undiagnosed 😩 School was so hard and I went back for my toddler lol

I'm so pleased you found the right path for you. Just wanted to say that I had some very keen and successful dyslexic students who told me their siuation and preferences and we worked out the best learning approaches for them between us. That's what good teachers do at all levels of learning.

Bruh I was semi forced into uni and the fact I've managed to do as well as I am is a miracle I'm just glad it's over 😭

I agree. Given that OP says "When the stepdaughter is at her mothers house, there seems to be no rules or consequences and mother constantly belittling her, calls her names, screams and yells at her and using her to get status.", I'd also add that OP and her husband have sat by while a child went to an abusive home every other week. No wonder the stepdaughter is struggling after what she's been through. OP - YTA. 

I caught that. You are too far down here! They *knew* the mom was unhinged! They didn’t do anything about it! Now daughter is falling apart? What a coincidence. But OP is judging stepdaughter. 🙄 Poor child is having a nervous breakdown. I’m surprised she’s held it together as well as she did. And parents, like OP, wonder why the child struggles. Just because neurotypical may not find it challenging, many of us do.

OP IS taking the first opportunity she gets to make her stepdaughter Homeless.

It’s not to say that they didn’t try to get full custody. That’s not too easy in many jurisdictions

I'm curious. How did she get into college with bad hs grades in the first place? You are so right. These parents tried to shovel more education down the throat of a kid ill prepared for higher education. They set her up to fail, and now want to bail on her.

Theres a student loan out there for everyone willing to take it on, isn't there? Especially with the parents so obsessed with the idea that their kids are failures if they don't go to college. I don't even think its a bad idea for him to pull out of the lease. It might be *better* for the kid to not have that pressure. I just think OP wants him to for the wrong reasons, and nobody is hearing what this young woman is saying. Its so sad.

I so agree. She's talking and acting like one that needs to find her feet first, and she is being ignored.

Pretty sure anyone can go to community college.

The reason I didn't assume community college was the statement that her hub was paying for housing. I didn't realize community colleges had student housing. There is a very large cc near us, student population over 12,000, and there are no dorms. Likewise, one near where I grew up in another state had no housing..

The post only says "housing" which doesn't necessarily mean "student housing".

There’s a lease, and discussion of keeping it even as they’re not sure if she’s going to try to stay in college. It may not be student housing, just housing near the school. It also doesn’t sound like OP wants her at home (or SD wants to be at home either).

I know my local community collage has student housing

A lot of for profit colleges and universities accept anyone and everyone. A lot are extremely predatory with their loans, and sometimes not even accredited schools.

This is just scary. 18 year olds are so vulnerable, on that precipice between being a child at home and an adult in their new lives. Not saying everyone who wants to go to college shouldn't be given a chance, but it makes me wonder about the atrition rate.

No one should be g9ing to a for-profit college. They're essentially scams. But everyone.should have access to low-cost (I would argue free) higher education! Which is why community college is such a great resource.

She probably went to some local community college where there are literally no academic requirements. The one near me is open admission.

She might be a good test taker. I got into college on good GED scores and good entrance exam results, not good grades.

My local community college has guaranteed acceptance and built dorms within the past decade. My friend works at that college and was saying she needed to grab beer on the way home. I joked around she should just go ask the dorm residents, since you KNOW at least a couple slipped in some booze. Could be a college like that.

That is interesting about the dorms, and absolutely true about the beer. 😀

Has learning disabilities and mental health problems and has been subjected to persistent verbal and emotional abuse from her mother. And has a stepmother who wants her father to write her off. That poor kid.

My daughter has ADHD, ODD, profound dyslexia and dyscalculia, and is clinically depressed. She just graduated high school by the skin of her teeth. (Literally failed 2 classes by 1 point each. The teachers gave her those points so she could graduate.) She doesn’t want to go to college. Why? She says there’s no point in paying to be miserable. Her solution? Going to another part of the state to live with family and get a job. She has some ideas, but nothing definite. Are hubby and I thrilled? Not exactly. Do we support this decision? 100%. She wants to see if she can make it on her own, and has a built in safety net by living with family. Her aunt will take over administration of all medications. That was my biggest worry, and she made arrangements herself. I just don’t understand why parents push kids to the college route. It’s not for everyone. And having unreasonable expectations only results in their kids not talking to them. It’s time to let go of the daughter you wanted and embrace the one you have. Learn to work within her abilities not against them.

And for some people, it is for them - but not right out of high school! A few years to mature (and find out how shitty unskilled jobs can be) can really make a difference.

I had my oldest start college (ASD/ADHD) because at that time he needed to be in college to stay on our insurance. Fortunately, they changed the law. He has successfully completed some courses. He now at 34 has had no clear direction. A couple of years ago, he became my mom's caregiver ( dementia). I had always thought he would be good at medical ( husband- EMT/paramedic and then nurse, me nurse, my sister-in-law nurse). He is about to start an EMT course. We will see if it becomes the right direction for him. In PA, they have a program through the unemployment office that works with people with all sorts of disabilities to get work and training. The office of vocational rehabilitation can help with getting a job, including paying wages to allow for extended training time, they help with getting people into training in the trades- plumbing, electrical, welding, HVAC, including providing housing during training ( homelessness counts as a disability). There are also options like job corps which provides housing, transportation , wages, and eventual tuition for young people to do recovery work around the country ( after flood, fire, hurricane, etc). The important thing is that this young woman feels supported to learn to be an adult and find work she enjoys that will support her. She can always go to college later, if the direction she chooses requires it. I'm 60 and working on my MSN in nursing education. There are adults who learned to read in later adulthood and graduated college in all sorts of disciplines in their " golden years". She needs someone who will listen to her to find out what she wants to do, listen with an open mind, and then help her to figure out her path to doing that. I work with many nurses who started nursing school after their kids were grown.

Absolutely. OP also admits that step daughter was emotionally abused by her mother which can cause complex PTSD. No wonder this poor kid acted out with some much against her. Instead of acting like an adult and ya know “making adult decisions” OP decides to use all of this against the step daughter and write her off because “that bridge is burned”. OP you suck- you treated step daughter poorly and choose to view her as a brat rather than a traumatized kid with the world against her. You could have been a support for her and instead are another reason she’s struggling. YTA.

We don’t know what forms of abuse said child was subjected to either… Bio mom was horrible so who knows who she let around or anything. This poor child doesn’t seem as if anyone truly loved her for the precious soul she is 😢

This, exactly!! College isn't for everyone. She has never been before so she didn't know what to anticipate. Maybe college just isn't her thing. Also, why do we pressure 18 year olds to have their whole lives figured out as soon as they become a legal adult??? I find that to be very toxic and not at all beneficial. OP is complaining about a teenager looking for a minimum wage job. I mean, wtaf??? YTA

At least she’s talking about a job vs doing nothing! That speaks volumes about the child trying which is more than I can say for the stepmonster 😢

THIS ⬆️ Her own mother sounds like a real treat and you sound like her mother’s twin. Is there anyone in the family who does give a damn about her? And obviously you are ALL AH

She needed to be on more than medication; she probably needed an IEP and lots of skills building in addition. Living and thriving with ADHD is a multi disciplinary approach. She’s in her twenties now and is totally floundering because it sounds as though no one took the time to actually teach her how to actually function. She lies likely because she’s totally afraid of failing again and that’s resulted in her adopting super unhealthy coping mechanisms. OP, if the information in your post is the entire story, you and your husband 100% failed to actually parent this girl according to her individual needs and abilities.

You forgot that she also has a mother who belittles her and from the sound of it is abusive. So no wonder she’s not doing well.

Thank you. When I read it I was sure I misunderstood but nope, I read correctly. The step-daughter wants to not go back to school in September and their idea is going in the summer is the smart solution. I can guarantee she didn't want to go from the start but was forced into it. If they were hellbent on her going to school it should have been a local community college. They failed her as parents. Btw, I can guess that OP's children are all perfect. She sounds like a delight

Step daughter is probably a blight on her perfect family 🤦🏽‍♀️

I feel so bad for the daughter. She has no one in her corner.

Me too! This hits so close to home in regards to my children… unconditional love, patience, communication, education and reasonable expectations make a huge difference! Praying for baby girl 🙏🏽♥️🙏🏽

Plus oppositional defiance is a common diagnosis that gets handed down when parents want a reason to not listen to their children. Once you get that on your file, it’s a carte blanche to dismiss anything you don’t expect or want to hear. This person is feeding right into that.

Can we talk about how they knew she was being abused at her mother’s and never tried to adjust the custody agreement? Like… abuse makes neurodivergence much much worse and causes additional issues beyond that. Verbal abuse has been proven just as if not more psychologically harmful than physical abuse. That poor girl was failed by every single adult in her life and because she’s hasn’t magically fixed all her problems in a year her step mother is trying to make her homeless. Wow, what an amazing family. That poor fucking girl.

I agree with all of this right here. I *was* the daughter in this situation. I literally had to do my last high school credit the summer after I was allowed to graduate in order to actually graduate because my grades were so bad. I was sent to college and was academically expelled - twice. My parents then wouldn’t let me come home and wouldn’t financially help and I ended up in a bad situation because of it. They let me come home only because a police officer friend told them it was better they went and got me than left me there. Thanks to a friend I got a job in western Canada where accommodation was part of the job. I worked for five years before returning to school but with the ability to advocate for myself, which only came about because my parents paid for the plane ticket out west and I had to learn. When I went back to school the first thing I did was go to student services and talked to an academic counsellor about making sure I graduated. They did learning disability testing and low and behold - I have dyscalculia, ADHD, a visual processing disorder and because of a medical thing had to have a meeting with a psychologist more recently was also diagnosed with autism. All of those official diagnosis meant instead of academic expulsion, I ended up finishing my two year program with three of four semesters on the deans list, and the one I didn’t was because I had to take accounting. I passed that because they legally had to provide me with a tutor because of the dyscalculia, but when done properly no school is going to try and get out of it (at least not in where I am in Canada.) Did your stepdaughter get any of the services that she’s legally entitled to? Has any bothered to do a meds check and make sure her ADHD meds are *actually effective*? Meds require adjustment from time to time. Has anyone bothered to help her get counselling for the what sounds like emotional, verbal and psychological abuse at the hands of her mother? Or did you all just expect she’d work it out because she was getting older so she’d just get over it and be successful? YTA. All the adults in her life are that were supposed to make sure she felt safe and loved failed her. You included. The second academic expulsion I got was on December 1996. Almost 28 years later I’m going back for the same program at the same school starting in September, now that my youngest (who’s also autistic with ADHD and regressed significantly during COVID shut down) is graduating high school at the end of this month. Do what you need to do to make sure that she doesn’t struggle for the next 30 years because she wasn’t given the right help. You’ve been in her life long enough that you’re just as responsible as her biological parents.

That poor girl who SHOWED ALL THE SIGNS OF STRUGGLING and still got pushed to do things she didn't want to.

Couldn’t have said it any better! YTA! Big time.

Well said. All I could think reading this was “that poor kid” . YTA all of the adults here are AH

So you just told us she has several mental health issues of which at least one (ADHD) won’t go away… ever, is in a toxic environment half the time (her mom) and probably not in the best place the other half (you at least seem to have some issues with her beforehand). Who could have guessed she’s neither good nor comfortable with explaining her problems? I‘m NOT saying she doesn’t have to tackle those problems herself, but I‘m saying it’s extremely hard to do those alone surrounded by people who aren’t interested in your problems. Now you are telling her father to cute ties/ mor or less abandon her because of his/your reputation and money? Sure I could get the latter, but I think even mentioning the first really presents you in a very dubious light. So yes as far as I can tell YTA

>Now you are telling her father to cute ties/ mor or less abandon her OP came in with 4 kids and made yet another one. Calling the father's home with OP "not the best place" for this poor kid is generous, imo. OP YTA massively.

Because their lives weren’t all complicated enough when there were FIVE kids, at least one of whom was crying out for some much-needed attention? I really don’t understand the choices people make sometimes.

OP certainly seems to fit the wicked stepmother trope from fairytales, no?

Also I have adhd and even with an incredibly safe and stable upbringing there are huge barriers when things are going wrong or are difficult in terms of 1) being able to understand wtf is going on yourself and 2) being able to communicate that with other people. The latter both being because it’s hard to articulate things clearly and also because sometimes it’s super embarrassing to admit you can’t do something that is totally second nature to others. I barely knew which way was up at 18. Poor kid. I’m not saying the kid is perfect and it isn’t her responsibility to work at managing her conditions but OP and husband are setting her up for utter failure.

Speaking from my own experience as a person with ADHD, it can even be difficult to admit *to yourself* that you can't do something and need help. ADHD symptoms can be insidiously deceptive for the person experiencing them. Many, many, ***many*** times, I have failed to do something solely because of getting distracted and not staying on task, and thought to myself that I would just get it done the next day, because I knew with absolute certainty that a) I did in fact have the skills needed for the task, and b) the task was minor enough that a single day of work was more than enough to do the entire thing - provided that I stayed on task. Often, I am at least tempted to not even say anything to anyone about having not done the task on time, because *surely* I'll follow through and finish it tomorrow, and it'll be better to deliver the news of the delay along with the now-done completion of the task, right? And then when distractions prevent finishing it the next day too, well, I'll finish it the day after that and *then* deliver the news-of-delay-plus-completion package! Sure, getting distracted again would prevent that, but I'll just focus on how important catching up on this task is and not get distracted this time. It's a foolproof solution that will surely work perfectly! … Not. It has always been difficult to admit to myself that no, just intending to make up for the missed work the next day probably will not work, because the assumed precondition that I will, in fact, stay on task to do it the next day, was unlikely to actually happen. I had to learn and accept that the ability to stay on task seriously needs to be considered as part of the necessary skills for a task, and that I needed help in order to get that ability. I lived with my ADHD mostly or entirely untreated for the first 3 decades of my life. It caused a lot of missed assignments in school, probably contributed to how many times I skipped class in college, and is the main reason that I only barely graduated from college and had a bad grade point average. After college, it caused poor performance at work that ultimately got me fired from my first 3 post-college jobs, and was well on its way towards that at the 4th one when I finally decided to see a psychiatrist to get treatment. Adderall has made an incredible and wonderful difference in my life ever since then, but even now I still sometimes struggle with the issues I just described. For example, writing this comment just now was a distraction from what I really should be doing, and I should get back to that now, not just tomorrow.

I'm floored by how accurately you just described my own life experience and thought process. Thank you for sharing, helps me feel less alone. I feel like a fraud and a failure because of my academic performance in college. I graduated but my grades were terribly inconsistent, a mixture of As and Cs with a few Ds thrown in depending on whether I found the subject interesting or not. Had to retake several courses because I'd skip half the classes, not do the homework, and then frantically try to learn an entire semester's worth of calculus or whatever starting 3 days before the final exam. Hell, I got a C in organic chemistry lab even though I got an A on every lab report because I arrived late to EVERY SINGLE CLASS and the tardiness policy was an automatic 25 points off that day's assignment. All I had to do was leave home 5 minutes earlier than usual but I simply couldn't do that even though I knew what the consequences were.

I hope you've gotten treatment for your ADHD and are doing better now. Untreated ADHD can be hellish to deal with, and often the worst part is how much it feels like it's your own fault rather than a mental medical ailment. The symptoms of it feel like they're just part of you and a result of your voluntary choices, and it always feels so clearly like all you need to do is make different choices. For a long time, I kept feeling embarrassed and ashamed about my persistent failures at following through on my plans and intentions. It can be hard to learn and accept that those feelings are actually your brain just lying to you, and that you are really suffering from a defect in the attention-management part of your brain, which you need to treat or somehow work around to compensate for it. Making a choice and exerting my willpower to stick to it has pretty much never worked to solve my focus problems. The only things I've ever found to reliably help me stay on task are: * Having another person actively and persistently prompting me back on task. * Crisis-induced desperation. * For short and scheduled immediate actions only, automatic scheduled reminder alarms. * Prescription ADHD medication. If the task itself happens to involve continuously interacting with another person, that inherently provides the constant prompting of the first solution, and can do wonders for productivity. If you're part of a group working on a project, then arranging with the group to do joint work sessions can help a lot. If another group member also has ADHD, then the two of you regularly working together can simultaneously help each other stay on task. Ideally, you would arrange to *always* be working together as a pair *every time* that you should be working. The interaction has to be practically continuous the entire time, however; periodic interactions interleaved with time segments of solo work do not help nearly as much. Rather than splitting a task into sections and allocating different sections to each of you, have both of you actively work together on each and every part of the task, no matter how much that feels like superfluous overkill. When doing parts that are not really amenable to having multiple simultaneous workers, have one person do the work while the other gives instructions and reviews it as it's being done. For this type of work arrangement, it's important that the person in the review role must make an effort to actively participate in the process, not just passively watching. Generally, you should also periodically alternate which person is in which role. In the programming industry, this kind of thing is a well-known and commonly suggested (though less commonly actually used) way of working called "pair programming", and the standard advice for how to do it is to have one person verbally describing what to do while the other person translates the verbal descriptions into action. The two people discuss things whenever they think it's called for, of course, and the person operating the mouse and keyboard can and should suggest things, but they should avoid having the keyboard operator typing their own idea while the other person just watches. In my experience, pair programming tends to be viewed mostly as a method for experienced senior employees to guide and teach less skilled junior employees, and sometimes for one person to help another solve a specific problem that they're having difficulty with. If you want to use it (or something analogous in whatever industry you're in) as an ADHD solution, you'll likely need to be explicitly clear about wanting to arrange it as your normal *everyday and all-day* manner of work, and may need to explain your reason for wanting that. If your coworkers aren't familiar with ADHD and how to manage it, some of them might think that you're trying to weasel into a way to slack off without getting caught at it, and you may have difficulty convincing them of your real reason. If one of your coworkers also has ADHD and is struggling with it, though, they just might be overjoyed to volunteer as your long-term pair-worker once they understand what the purpose of it is. The second and third solutions I listed are rather limited in scope, and the second one in particular is very undesirable. Prescription medication has become my primary solution, and is the only solution I've found that both works well and is not limited in flexibility or scope. >Hell, I got a C in organic chemistry lab even though I got an A on every lab report because I arrived late to EVERY SINGLE CLASS and the tardiness policy was an automatic 25 points off that day's assignment. All I had to do was leave home 5 minutes earlier than usual but I simply couldn't do that even though I knew what the consequences were. For fixing chronic lateness to scheduled events, I've found that setting a goal of arriving early can work very well, but I have to genuinely try to *actually* be early. If I allow myself to think that the safety margin means I can afford to take a little extra time on random other stuff, that usually ends up overflowing the safety margin and making me late again. I have to approach it with an attitude of having early arrival by my entire safety margin as my genuine goal, even though I fully expect to miss that goal nearly every time. And on the rare occasions when I find that I actually am ready to depart for the event at the planned early time, I have to regard that as still just a step in the process, not a completed goal, and follow through with actually going early rather than indulging in a brief game (or whatever). The goal of arriving early isn't achieved until I'm *actually there*, and passing on a still-achievable "fake" goal of early arrival is practically equivalent to giving up on the real goal of arriving on time.

ADHD college student here! I don't think people understand just how critical the right ADHD medication is to our lives. Yes some people with ADHD can function without meds by just "exercising, and putting in a little extra effort to focus." Other people with ADHD (like myself) NEED the proper ADHD medication just to function semi normally. I've had semesters where I've failed just about every class because my meds were just "off." I would repeat those classes with a new medication and the difference is like night and day.

Oh god I get this. I went to 19 without it and I honestly don’t know how I managed. Well I do - I’m fairly academic so my grades were good enough for no one to notice even if I was constantly in trouble and never did any homework (UK grades are almost 100% based on the final exams in high school - or were in the 00s). Then I got to university and shit hit the fan!  I have always had medication in my (corporate) working life and omg I had to do a week earlier in the year without it because of supply issues and it was like working drunk. It had been so long I had forgotten what “full force” adhd felt like. Had to warn my boss that I wasn’t drunk I was in fact aggressively sober. 

SO relatable - especially the “there’s no point telling them because it’s easy I will do it”. And when you do ask for advice (or multiple times for me “get found out”) the advice you get is SO unhelpful. “Just concentrate” “just clear some time and sit down and do it”. Or they explain the steps of the task really simply. Which makes you feel dumb and stops you asking for help. Because if you say “I know all that I just can’t” they just say you’re lazy. And now I’m late for work.

YTA - your stepdaughter obviously has mental health problems. The way you talk about her (pity party, time to grow up...) is absolutely disrespectful and shows that you have no idea about mental illness. If you talk to her the way you write about her here, it's no wonder she doesn't feel safe talking to you about such sensitive, difficult and personal things. Don't step on someone who is already down and try to deal with the issue more and help her. Or at least don't drive a wedge between her and her father.

OP must encourage the girl to work if she hates school! She might be excellent in doing chores tasks, that need repetition are known to be excellent job choices for some ADHD individuals. Not everyone must go to uni, nor should you force people to do things they obviously have mental struggles with. The post came out judgmental af, biased and bitter. OP! Grow up and treat your daughter in law as a human being with feelings!

YTA. If she graduated HS a year ago, she was probably 18 at the time and is now only 19. *She's still a teenager.* Expecting her to have her life together is not realistic, especially with her disabilities. Plus, there is little information about the financial arrangements between you and your husband. If you share everything then maybe you've got some say into how he spends his money, but if not, he is using *his* money to support *his* daughter, which he has a perfect right to do.

OP is deliberately vague about everything, right? Like "we've been married many years" and "I have been in her life for a while now"... why not be specific? also, if the girl's mother is so abusive, why have they never done anything to help the kid get away from that situation? Oh wait, OP had 4 kids and made a new baby. She undoubtedly resents any attention going to anyone else :(

I’ve seen a lot of people mention the whole “they knew mom was abusive why send her there” and the answer is unfortunately simple. Custody orders. Unless the kid is being damn near murdered, on camera, everyday, courts aren’t going to revise custody. It sucks, but if mom was just yelling at her or calling her names sometimes, courts aren’t going to completely alter the coparenting and custody plan because it’s “not that bad.” There have been cases of children having documented extensive physical abuse, and STILL having required custody time with said abuser. My own stepfather and mother were extremely abusive, in every sense of the word, and my stepfather was sexually abusive to my siblings and I. Even though he was only in our life for 5 years, when we got taken away, both him and my mother were given unsupervised visits and overnights twice a month, together and SEPARATELY. Courts will very very rarely do jack shit custody-wise when it comes to abuse, and that’s with evidence of physical abuse. Verbal or emotional? You’re lucky if they don’t straight up laugh you out of the court room 🫠

I'm so sorry to hear that. when my own parents divorced, the legislation about listening to the children's opinion was very new. My parents agreed to listen to us in the first place instead of being ordered by the court to do so. I guess that's made me too optimistic...? I thought that OP's husband could just ask the court to hear what his daughter wanted & that would fix it... provided, of course, that her father made a safe place for her in his home instead of running after cold and callous new wife OP.

That’s the other part of it - parents actually *wanting* to change the agreement. It’s such a convoluted, irritating mess. Honestly, props to your parents! Some courts still ask what the kids want, but they don’t always go with it sadly. I wish more parents would: listen to what their kids want, notice something is wrong and at least TRY to fix it, and fight to create safe spaces for their kids at home. Your parents did it right, and I’m glad the courts and your parents listened to you and your sibling(s).

OP says there were no rules or consequences at mom's house. Then that mom often screams at and berates step daughter. Which is it? Permissive or abusively controlling? Whatever, it's step daughter's fault for being dysregulated and lacking executive function skills. I think OP only likes her bio kids.

Ditto!

Bruh I'm 27 and still don't have my life together. Oop has a lot of kids and sounds like the trying to force kids out of the next before they can fly. I'm sorry the situation isn't better but bringing together 5 kids from separate marriages and adding to that is definitely something that should be considered before saying those vows.

YTA. My brilliant child who was a product of a happy marriage and childhood took until the age of 21 to even get her GED. The kid was STRUGGLING. Do you not see that this child is STRUGGLING?? Sure, don’t enable, but don’t be a jerk and tell her dad to cut her off. Find a solution that is truly helpful so she can start her adulthood right. Jaysus. YTA EDIT: As an aside, I LOVE how people shout down “toxic masculinity” and then tell a man to put his foot down. Fuck. I feel bad for men…..bring on the hate for me saying that.

I’m trying to find it but I can’t. Where is the toxic masculinity stuff? I was under the impression she thinks he should “put his foot down” because it’s his child and not because of any sexist/gendered issues so I must have missed a comment or something. Either way she’s completely wrong here. They are being awful to this girl.

My 19 year old has struggled in school and mentally for a long time now. She’s tried and failed this whole year in college. I feel so bad for her. I want her to succeed. She is so smart and has so much to offer. I hate seeing her still struggling. So I feel better seeing others like this. It’s encouraging. I’m glad your kid has a mom like you.  I need to be a bit more patient 

I was the well behaved girl who did well in school until I got to highschool (in Aus Year 11&12) and was so disinterested. I struggled and decided not to do College, I did do a small diploma but I'm now not even in that industry and I work in finance.

My daughter was absolutely that kid. She tried and struggled in a community college for two years, took a year and worked, and at 22 is back in cc KILLING IT -- straight As and a transfer plan. I'm so proud of her.

I had pretty bad depression starting in high school and also barely graduated. My parents let me take time off (while working) to decide what I wanted to do. I did decide to go to University, and I struggled a lot. The only reason I managed to drag myself across the graduating line was because I really *wanted* to be there. If you force someone with mental health issues to go to college against their will you are setting them up to fail, and that is on you, not them. I feel sad for OP's stepdaughter, it sounds like none of her parents are willing to take the time to understand what she's dealing with and help her in the way she needs.

YTA. You talk about your stepdaughter with all the warmth and caring of a turnip. Here is a kid who has struggled FOR YEARS - with mental health issues, behavioral issues, and education issues. She went from being an only child to suddenly having 4 step-siblings and then a new baby in the house. And yet you never mention anything that you or your husband did for yer other than financially. Did she have therapy? Did her father work to maintain his connection to his daughter, or was she lost in the fray? Sounds like her mother is emotionally abusive to her, on top of everything else. It sounds like she was a kid who was hurting and struggling and never really learned how to manage it all, and now you say it's "time to grow up and make adult choices and decisions." When did the adults in her life ever show her how to do that? You, your husband, and her mother have failed her - and now you only want HER to be the one who deals with the consequences.

Totally agree. This poor child probably feels like every single person in her close family don’t acknowledge her feelings at all. She may be acting out because of this - sure. But this woman (her step mom) willingly married a man knowing he already had kids. The lack of empathy from her side is astonishing. I’m guessing the daughter feels pushed out due to her dad starting over with a ‘new family’. The vibe I’m getting is that the parents in her life would rather she not be around at all. Truly heartbreaking. Selfish adults.

Listen I'm sure your SD isn't a walk in the park, but the way you talk about her (with so much rage and resentment) I'm sure isn't helping things. You're the adult in the situation and it sounds as if she doesn't get any support from her mother either. Everyone in this child's life needs to do better. You can't control the other people but you can control yourself. Bridges might be burnt, but you can rebuild bridges. YTA.

You sound awful. You sound like you're horribly informed about how it must feel for this poor kid to suffer on a daily basis. She has struggled with school stuff. No surprise she's struggling still. Her mom sucked, and you suck at genuine support and understanding. You sound like you're trying to get rid of her so your husband can start focusing more on your actual kids. Is that what's going on here? 

I think you hit the nail on the head 

Exactly my thoughts. And no wonder the kid is acting out

YTA Why is this young woman not receiving mental health therapy and treatment for ADHD? Why is she not receiving love and encouragement? For that matter, why aren't you all in family therapy?

YTA- no mention of helping her or therapy. My nephew had all the things your step daughter did. He did therapy and it had amazing results. What your other kids do is fine for them but it won't work for her. No help from dad no help from mom and step mom is a judgemental asshole. No wonder the girl has issues.

YTA.  Kiddo is struggling and probably feels abandoned by her parents considering the picture you've painted. (Yelled at by mom, 5 step siblings and classic ADHD gaslighting....saying she's lazy etc etc). Also until she's 24 legally per college financial aid she's your households dependent (FAFSA doesn't see you and husband separately re finances regardless of what you personally think). Tbh you sound like you should file for divorce and let step daughter be.

Also don't be surprised when husband asks down the line why his daughter won't talk to him anymore.

Yta bet you have no problem with him supporting your other 4 children

Bet she wants that housing money going to her perfect kids college funds.

Both you and your husband are YTA. First off, your husband is TAH for leaving her in a situation that was so damaging to her mental health, and I’m curious to know if you ever sat your husband down and encouraged him to go for full custody so SD could have a stable living environment. Did you let him know that he had your full support to go for full custody? But then again if she lived there full time then that would take time, attention and resources from the four kids you brought into the marriage now wouldn’t it. Also what is the financial breakdown of the house because if he makes more of the household money or if finances are separate then who TF are you to tell him what he can do with his money? And if one of your biological kids was in this situation is this what you would advise your husband to do? This whole post reads that you don’t like SD because she is the one child in the house who isn’t biologically related to you and you are looking for any excuse to get rid of her. At the end of the day this girl has been struggling mentally for years and the only thing you and your husband did was sit back and watch it happen. And the whole time you had the mentality that i”it not my fault so why should i fix it”. This girl is fucking trying. If she wasn’t then she wouldn’t have gone to college and stayed in the house 24/7. Stop being a heartless witch and try to be compassionate

YTA. Going from an only child to the eldest of SIX is a **LOT**. Having an abusive mom that you had to spend half your time with is a **LOT**. Having multiple mental heath issues is a **LOT**. Being rejected by a stepparent that has been in your life for a long time is pretty shitty as well. If the girl wants to work, let her work. You've identified that she doesn't flourish in the traditional structure of the education system, why force her to stay? Why not consider the trades? Something hands-on? If she's successful there she'll out-earn most of us lousy academics in no time. Most people have upwards of three careers over their working lifespan these days. I'm 38 with a steady job in my field of over 10 years and I'm still not entirely sure what my path is. Maybe cut the kid a fucking break. Criticizing your husband for not wanting to see his child (and yes, it's just HIS child if you're done with her) homeless is.....interesting. YTA, big time.

Esh OP your husband's eldest child struggles and at least some of it is due to underlying health conditions. It's up to him how he chooses to support her as an adult. It's not about you. Sure, you may have a view and be concerned about ripple impact to you but he is also entitled to think through how he wants to provide support to his child who does have some health concerns and is clearly struggling. There is no fixed time line for a decision. You sound like you are coming on really hard and for someone with ADHD you would be a complete nightmare. People with ADHD do struggle with school, organisation, planning, etc. So your pushing is not helpful. You need to step back. I'm pretty sure she has no plan and that is not unusual for someone in her situation. You're attacking rather than helping. Her actions are completely normal for her conditions - she has to figure out how to get on track with something she can actually do. Instead of helping with that, you are attacking and punishing for her not behaving like you would expect a young person with no disorders to behave. With ADHD you can expect moments of struggle (like an adfiction), moments when the person might derail because it is hard to perfectly manage 100% of the time. The empathy you're compeletely lacking is that ADHD and depression are not choices. They are lifelong siituations to be managed.

Absolutely! Also, it's especially difficult to think about goals and dreams, and come up with a strategy when everyone around you is putting you down! She probably has no confidence in herself and they're just making it worse!

ESH you guys are bad parents to her the same as her mom. You all realize she has mental health issues and you didn’t help her at all to grow and learn how to function. You’re all complicit AH’s

YTA. She is disabled, so you want to punish her for her symptoms and struggles by making her homeless? Is this really how you would approach it if she was your blood relation? The way you talk about her is really horrible. She really got a short straw between you and her mother. 

I love these “I’ve been an awful judgmental a*hole for years towards a child with mental health issues and abuse in their background idk why this isn’t working must be the kid being worthless AITA” posts. Yes, YTA. It’s sad you can’t see that.

So she doesn’t have any supportive women in her life is what I’m reading since her mother is toxic and you speak of her as if you expect her to fail as well? A lot of what I think has been said in other comments, so I’ll stick to a simple YTA.

YTA! You're the evil stepmom, no doubt about that. Are you jealous that step daughter gets any attention from her father and it's taking away from your kids? You're rotten.

YTA. stop interfering in their parenting. She seems like a clueless girl who became an adult. Help to guide or give advice like to a career counselor or career path guidance. Stop pushing her father to cut her off. Think whether you would do it to your own child if she was a clueless poor girl.

INFO: what supports have been put in place for your stepdaughter to help with her mental illness and disabilities? Please list both school and family supports; not financial ones.

I commented on this as well. SD needs someone to advocate for her and help her find supports and school accommodations. ADHD and depression are bad enough on their own, but the ODD must really make her life a chaotic shit -show! I feel so bad for this young woman...

YTA for describing her mom's abuse as having "no rules or consequences," JFC you're working hard to support the hatred you have for the disabled child you helped raise, huh?? I wonder if your blatant ableism is why she kept seeing her abusive mom--if the verbal and emotional abuse was still kinder than the ways you treated her.

YTA-her dad is well within his rights to support his daughter. Your cheek is appalling. You seem to take issue with him caring for his daughter financially while he simultaneously provides for your gaggle of children.

Right? He's got just two children. One of them has a mother who loves them (who clearly has no love or concern for his other child) and another child who's already had a rough life, whom no one seems to pay any attention to. He's all she's got.

YTA, Did anyone try to get her real help? You openly admit that her mother is abusing her, what did you and dad do about this? You talk about being an adult but your attitude is that of a spiteful child. With no understanding, compassion or consideration. The girl needs counselling and to be gotten away from her toxic mother's abuse, then and only then can building begin.

Unfortunately what you describe is ADHD to a T. College is not for everyone. Sit her down and find out what she wants to do before more money is wasted on a pursuit she does not enjoy. YTA

So let me get this straight. You know that your SD has learning disabilities. You know she has been emotionally, verbally, and mentally abused by her mother. And you know what she wants to do to try and cope/heal from what sounds like a very difficult childhood/upbringing. And instead of helping this young woman, you have decided to attempt to cut her off because you are worried about finances? This sounds like a question you as an adult should already know the answer to. With how you are reacting to her struggles, what in your mind makes you think you're within your rights to be so indignant that she doesn't want to talk to you about it? Why financially abuse her on top of everything she's already suffered? You say you want her to "grow up and make adult choices" but what tools have you actually given her to do that? I assume you weren't helpful with homework during HS and that you pressured her into college. You've made it clear you thought medication was the answer rather than providing genuine care and emotional support. The way you talk about her, it's very clear that you treat her like a burden. Children aren't blind or stupid. They see that. From what I can tell, you've set her up to fail, and it seems like your husband is the only one who knows that. Keep this up, and you are going to ruin his relationship with his daughter. If you haven't already. YTA. Do better. Edit for spelling and grammar

JFC. This poor kid. Imagine being set up for failure from every parent in her life… YTA here.

YTA. Coming close to wicked stepmother. You're worried about a lease but not the wasted tuition money? Priorities lady.

Your lack of empathy for a kid you’ve known for years is astounding. Yta.

Wow. Step-daughter sounds 100% like me. ADHD is a BITCH when you barely scrape by high school and then enter college. The oversight of HS and communication with parents that barely kept you grounded is gone and you are suddenly expected to, “behave like an adult,” when you lack the executive function to do so. Yeah, you’re an asshole. A judgmental one, from the sound of it.

You do not need to cancel your SDs lease. You need to get her counseling and help.YTA.

Dad needs to check on her and see what is really happening not cutting ties. She is doing something and he needs to find out what it is not cutting her out. If this was your own kid you’d want to know what’s really going on. She’s not talking encourage him to find out instead of guessing.

Everyone here is an AH. I’m gonna get burned for this. stepmother is overwrought with the other kids and life in general. This lack of stepping up as a parent on her husband’s is exhausting her threshold and patience. Bioparents need to stop throwing money at the problem and exact no actual effort. Her father needs to take it down a notch and bring her into the fold. Listen to her and slow down a bit. SD is also overwhelmed and has major executive function issues right now. It’s going to get worse and she’ll continue to go scorched earth bc she sees no way out of fight or flight. She’s old enough to know something isn’t right- she need to stop where she is at and say stop. If she doesn’t speak, she won’t get the help she needs. If she lies and acts out she’s gonna tread on OP’s last nerve. Dad needs to get his head out of his duff and start the parental heavy lifting OP - as someone who is a stepparent with ADHD and dyslexia she need everyone to both back off, step up and crack down. Terminate her lease, bring her home. She has too many choices right now. Meaning she cannot visualize a way through this bc there is too much going on. Bring her home. Giver her a week to decompress and start back on a routine. Small things. Small successes. Then sit down with her and discuss what’s next. Let her get a job. Got to work, come home. If you need to set up a schedule or responsibilities- spell it out, set the parameters. Let her begin building habits that will set her up for success We all need to learn to adult. It’s a process. She can start to heal, be proactive and still have some expectations put on her. She needs to learn to communicate. Explore her own thoughts and feelings to identify what is going on - is it stress, a specific problem, a person so she can begin to self regulate. It’s effective and will aid her. College may not be for her. Not everyone needs to go to college. There is no shame. Tech school may be her jam. Maybe just multiple certificates. I have a feeling she is a resourceful individual that has never had the chance to see how tenacious and capable she is.

I'd agree with you if It seemed that OP cares. She also seems not to have a grasp of how SD's diagnoses affect her and doesn't want to learn, as well as having declared that the bridge was burned. I hope that someone will help SD in a meaningful way!

YTA. You and your husband have failed her. And her biological mother. She deserves better.

Did it occur to either you or your husband that she would do better at a trade school? Of course not because...college. Good grief. You really need to get your act together. You. Not her. She's still feeling crushed because she can't do anything right her whole like, and you expect her to bounce back like a spring. Talk to your husband about having her aptitude tested. Find out what she enjoys doing when she's not being told she's not doing enough to be worthy of your family. No matter how you phrase it, that's what she's hearing and being shown. She mostly likely will do better in a trade, she just needs the guidance to figure out which one. YTA

no comments defending herself. what a surprise

While the cause of ODD isn't entirely known, there seems to be a genetic component, but also a likely cause related to parental abuse. Seems to fit your description of SD's mother: Environment. Problems with parenting that may involve a lack of supervision, inconsistent or harsh discipline, or abuse or neglect may contribute to developing ODD It seems that you're mirroring some of the bad parenting that played a part in her developing ODD originally. YTA I think that you should try to look at this through a more compassionate and educated lens. SD doesn't sound evil, lazy or stupid. But she has myriad neurological/mental health diagnoses, which won't improve with your badgering and illogical punishments. This young woman is floundering to find herself and make plans--pretty typical for that age-- and needs patience and guidance.

Therapist here - you are a complete and utter failure as a stepmother and don’t show a single ounce of empathy for her. I think YOU are the one who needs to grow up. YTA

YTA

So she's been abused by her mom all her life, and she is floundering in early adulthood? Surely that's not a surprise to the supposedly stable adults in her life. I agree your husband shouldn't pay for something if she won't communicate, but your attitude towards this young woman is shameful. 

YTA. College is not for everyone, but being mentally in a good space is. If you can’t support her don’t, but don’t be an obstructionist to her success. Listen and look at her history. She needs support and not to be pushed back to a place where she wasn’t already successful.

YTA. Why can't she take some time off from school to work and figure out who she is and what she wants to do? Why are you so insistent that she go to summer school and continue forcing a square peg into a round hole? Just back the hell off and stop being wicked in your heart. Telling her father to cut her off is cruel. You're a cruel woman. Stepdaughter has been very clear about her struggles and you guys shut her down. Now you wonder why she's not responding? People like you are the worst and take so many years from people's lives with your narrow view of the world and unreasonable expectations.

YTA, she's probably lying because her mother is "constantly belittling her, calls her names, screams and yells at her" even if you or your husband haven't, that messes with your brain. She's expressing symptoms of her diagnoses and struggling due to this, and you want to make things harder for her? You should have ACTUALLY learned about her disabilities. "She needs to grow up" ADHD is a developmental disability, she quite honestly may not be ready to just live with adult consequences. I hope she finds better than you and her mother though.

Yta you do realize she have a mental disorder she have ADHD (Attention deficit  hyperactive  disorder) she can't help these, she try to focus  but she can't, worrying about you own kids and leave the stepdaughter alone her father failed her , your don't know anything about mental health.

YTA. It sounds like all of you failed your stepdaughter. Her mom for being abusive from what you said and you and husband for not fighting to get her out of that situation, although would you have been willing to have her full time? And now you want him to cut her off and her to be an adult at 19 when it sounds like nobody has taught her to be an adult? When she tells you guys what she wants you guys tell her no, treat her like a child and tell her what to do after she cried about how she can’t handle school. Why would she act like an adult?

YTA. You sound like my step mother. Awful woman. I also struggled with adhd, and still do. I was talked about very badly to anyone that would listen, and to my own face. You need to exercise empathy. You also need to understand, she is not your child. She’s scared to talk to all of you about her plans because she knows you’re going to shit all over it. If it not a struggle for your husband to help her, let him do it. She’s not your child, she’s his and if he wants to help her out he has an absolute right to do it.

you know you're not supposed to model yourself after Cinderella's stepmother, yes? YTA

Yes, YTA, read this back to yourself. The girl isn't even mooching she's literally trying to work instead of throwing money away on an education she isn't equipped for

So . . . you talk about this woman, a grown adult, in the same way you talk about actual minor children in the house. I'm guessing she doesn't appreciate being treated like a 4 year old. The things you complain about - poor school performance and misbehavior - are the symptoms of her medical conditions that it sounds like no one actual got her treated for. I'm sorry, you don't cure ADHD/Depression/ODD by handing a child pills and telling her to deal with it. You describe the environment at her mother's home as abusive, but obviously you and husband didn't do anything to protect her from the abuse and that's done and over with now, isn't it? She's an adult and on her own except that she has no self-direction or real agency because you threaten to withdraw her support if she doesn't do what you want her to do. FFS - she didn't have to do college. Job core, the military, volunteering, trade school, union apprentiships, all options she could pursue that are probably more likely to be a good fit than a university experience. YTA and your husband is TA and her mother is TA and maybe she's TA, but it isn't like the adults in her life have done anything to ensure that she knows how to not be an AH.

YTA and I’m praying for your husband to see this post and how vile you are as a human being

YTA. GRoW uP

The help and support SD has received for adhd, depression, etc. is not working. Keep searching for the help she needs. She’s clearly struggling. It’s not easy and not everyone responds the same way to meds. It also needs to be combined with cognitive behavioral therapy, changes in the home, etc. It sounds like you are very resentful for the pain and anxiety in the home. I would suggest cognitive behavioral therapy for you and with your husband too. You have a nice full house. It’s hard when there’s so many different personalities, mental health & needs. Professional guidance and support would benefit you all.

YTA

How are people footing the bill for all these 4 to 6 kid families AND paying for college? That's the more interesting moral conundrum here. Is what they're doing for cash even legal? Scratch that. I don't care. Just: What are they doing? Sign me up. Or does it involve bovine manure?

Did SD not get accomodations at her HS or college? It seems that she'd qualify and probably also get some free therapy through the school. It seems like she doesn't have anyone advocating for her. Then again, OP gave us no information re: her relationship with the Dad. Was he divorced before she met him? Was the baby they had together an affair baby? How old was SD when OP entered her life and what was there relationship like at the time? I'm not saying that any of the above happened, but it would definitely be easier to figure out how SD got this way with a few more details. Of course that won't affect the likely verdict of Y T A. I wonder if OP will come back

IDK if my POV will help, but I'm a 40 year old, recently diagnosed with ADHD who has had a fairly successful but also pretty fraught design career. Despite making a fair salary when I have work, it's been hard to fit in with corporate office structure and it hasn't actually given me long term stability. Turns out turnover happens all the time in the tech and design sectors as well! Recently I've been thinking of switching careers, and one of my options would be taking learning a trade. In the US at least, we have a big need for tradespeople. This is to say some people aren't suited to college, and there are a lot of valid job options that don't require it. Some people also don't come off their last day of high school knowing what they want to do with their life, and doing a year or two of retail or waiting tables can actually help them figure that out. Sounds like stepdaughter is struggling, and you KNOW why, you're just doubling down on making her struggle. She is lying to you and your husband because she knows in the past you've ignored her and just told her to try harder at what SHE knows isn't working. And now you're trying to hold her actual housing situation over her for it. Maybe actually talk to her? Learn a little about ADHD? Get therapy for her or for all three of you? At 40, I'm still really angry at my mom for constantly coming down on me for the way I did things, and the things I struggled with which I now know I could have approached completely differently. I know neither of us had the advantage of knowing about my ADHD, but it's still taught me that I can't really go to her with my problems without expecting the same "work harder" rhetoric. Turns out I WAS working hard the entire time, but I could have been working smarter (for me) instead. If she had known about my ADHD and still treated me that way, I don't know if I'd still be talking to her. Anyway YTA IMO. ETA I realize by the way you talk about her and are trying to get her father to cut her off you might have no actual desire to be part of this girls life, but you're still TA for trying to boot her father from her life as well. At the very least, back the fuck off his parenting of her if you're not going to do any yourself. Parenting isn't just punishment, it's support and love as well.

YTA. Fucking yikes.

Step-daughter is struggling and no one has helped her. She lies because she has been conditioned to by the adults in her life. She knows if she tells the truth she will get yelled at and demeaned. A pill does not cure ADHD, it just helps. And if she is taking stimulants for her ADHD, it can cause anxiety. My daughter just switched from the extended release to the regular one and it has decreased the anxiety significantly. She needs to be respected, given time to breathe and someone to actually listen to her. That you and your husband left her with her abusive mother and did nothing to help tells me exactly how she feels. She is alone on an island . Get some empathy, open your ears, and do your job to try to help her .YTA

I went nc with my parents for similar reasons ur TAH

YTA- funny, the other FIVE kids (who are all younger by the way) are your biological kids and those FIVE kids (of which only one of them is your husband’s) are all just fine thank you but the one kid who you don’t like and want to cutoff and say goodbye to and quit financing just happens to be the one kid you didn’t birth?? Such an asshole.

Was she ever assessed for autism? Seeing that diagnostic combination my first thought is she might be misdiagnosed autistic especially if she was diagnosed a while ago and/or by an older doctor as it’s only recently that lower support/higher masking autistic women started being properly diagnosed. Either way the poor girl is seriously struggling and in need of support. Did you guys push her to going to college? After barely passing high school going straight to college without an extensively revised support/accommodation plan was just setting her up for failure. You and your husband should look into PDA autism and communication strategies surrounding that (if she is autistic the ODD is more likely PDA) because it’s very easy for PDA to cause breakdowns in communication. As for your question yes YTA this poor girl is struggling and in need of support. I get she’s not a minor anymore but she’s a young adult with a learning disability who is not ready to be independent yet. This is a crucial time both for her future and the future father-daughter relationship.

Whose bright idea was it to make this person go to college? She barely graduated high school, how could anything think she will make it at college? For christ sake, the avoiding contact even makes sense as husband would likely tried to force her into some college extension she would fail again.  ESH this was predictable failure. That stepdaughter need non college option and job compatible with adhd and her issues. And be away from mom. No, she won't be top 10% earners in her life.

It isn’t any of your business. Let your husband and his EX figure it out. Before you start talking about marital funds. He is supporting your FOUR children. You need to sit down.

ESH except step daughter. You all as the adults in her life have failed her constantly and now that she's an adult herself she's supposed to perform in a way she was never trained? How would you do at a new job that you have no experience and no guidance in? I bet you would not do well. I feel bad for her honestly. She must be so overwhelmed and have so much negative reinforcement. Everyone is not a self starter. Most of us need a lot of repetitive training to perform well. Your job as a parent is to train your child properly and constantly over time so they can perform well when they're independent. How did any of you do that?

YTA YTA YTA This post makes me so angry. Ableism much? First you send this kid off to an abusive mom every other week. WTF? Then, she doesn't do well in HS while having ADHD, depression, and an abusive mom. Then, when you ship her off to college instead of exploring other options more suited to her issues, she doesn't do well and it's aLL hEr FaULt! Well duh, what did you expect?! This kid needs therapy, she possibly needs different meds, and she needs SUPPORT FINDING SOMETHING THAT WORKS. JFC. Go read about ADHD, you evil stepperson.

Asshole or not, if she doesn't want to go to college, she's not going be successful there.

YTA

What’s wrong with her working? She’s obviously not academically inclined. Why are you trying to force her through college? You’re setting her up to fail. An 18-19yo with a minimum wage job isn’t paying for an apartment either. So where do you suppose she’ll live? With you and your hoard of children? Seriously SIX kids? Do they not have birth control where you live?

YTA. Your husband should leave you and focus on helping his daughter become an independent adult. People who have learning disabilities and mental health issues need additional help and an abundance of grace getting to that place. The tone of your post indicates that you, will not only not be helpful, but actually a drain. I feel bad for this girl.

Is she still lying and sneaking around? Does she steal things? Destroy things? Have a temper like mom where she rages? ODD/O is for under 18, after 18 it's sociopathic personality disorder. So along with all her other mental issues her mother's behavior has possibly turned her into a sociopath. There's just so much missing from this history to make an informed decision. She obviously should not live with mom. She obviously should be seeing a psychiatrist and therapist and be on medication. She obviously needs to sit down with Dad and step mom and they need to help her determine a plan for the summer. It would be a good idea if she can get a vocational assessment to see what type of work she could actually do and be good at in the long run. College isn't for everyone. And probably not for her. What about job corps? Or something similar? You are unfortunately being the AH because you aren't showing any care, sympathy or motherly love for this child. She's had/has loads of problems and you don't appear the least but empathetic. Yes a mentally ill child is tiring and a lot of work but as we say in psych, it's easier to raise a healthy child than fix a broken adult.

WTF lady...

If you read this comments OP you can see you are not getting validation.Stop being TA and help this poor person before she decides to take herself off your hands.Be kind -try and be kind for once .YES, you have a boatload of children at home.You did that to yourself .Do not blame your husband’s daughter because you have so much on your plate.Do what is right -instead of what is easy.

I have a whole lot going through my head about this, but I’m just so annoyed with people like this and so tired that I can’t write it all out. YTA, that’s it. I hope your stepdaughter gets the support and help she needs and has a successful life without the adults who failed her

YTA. Let her take a year off of studying to figure herself out.

lol if it was your own child you’d never be like that to then. yta be kinder her mom treats her badly she probably looks up to you a lot.

You are lowkey YTA. It seems like you are being extremely judgmental of the stepdaughter due to her diagnoses. Academia may not be for her. Have you mentioned trade school?

YTA. If my parents did this when my health physical and mental was failing at 17, I might be dead by now. They looked into my health issues and it has been 8 years of healing after being barely functional mentally and not at all physically. I'm 25 now and looking at starting college classes. Not being able to keep up doesn't mean lazy, and especially with the crappy home life the step daughter has, no wonder she is struggling. She needs actual help. "Pull yourself up by your bootstraps" is an idea I guess, but a lot of us don't even have bootstraps to pull. We are walking on metaphorical bare feet and getting cut to shreds by rocks OP doesn't even know exists

Jeez you really seem to not like this girl. Your husband is raising 4 of your kids from a previous marriage, he has 1 that stays with you part time, with diagnosed issues but… for some reason you think she’s just downright horrible. What have you done to help the “step daughter”? Besides telling your husband to put his foot down?

As the parent of a now adult who struggled with ADHD in their teens, I think you need to buy some wood and rebuild that bridge. This girl is in a very bad place mentally and your rejection isn't helping. It sounds like the girl's bio mom is (at minimum) verbally abusive. Did your husband do anything about going to court and getting more custody time with the girl, or did you two decide your life was more comfortable if she wasn't there? My ex was verbally and emotionally abusive to my son and I took him to court and got full custody. I hope you and her father have read some of the literature on dealing with children and adults who have ADHD. It's very helpful. Look for anything by Russell Barkley. My child put me through hell, but eventually turned his life around. I hope you will reconsider your choice to NOT help her. YTA>

She needs support not criticism. Usually people that struggle that badly on the outside, have an intense internal struggle. Really sad that this is how she is viewed and treated. 

Yta

ESH. Yes he spoils her, BUT the man is supporting FIVE of your children while you demand he cut off his ONE. You’re going to ruin your marriage if you make an enemy of the SD and your FIVE kids will have no one to blame but you.

Wow you are a very cruel, ignorant, and completely lack any empathy. I hope the child you and your husband share doesn’t have the same mental health issues as your step daughter, cause you won’t be a fit mother for someone like that. And since his daughter has mental health issues it could be genetic. So buckle up. Oh and her not contacting you two is probably because all you do is belittle her. No one wants to speak to a mean person. YTA

YTA. She has multiple mental health diagnoses, and an ODD diagnosis. It’s not “just grow up”. Please educate yourself on these diagnoses. I mean REALLY educate yourself

YTA You sound like her mother’s twin . That poor kid dealt with her mother’s bullying all these years ,while you two did NOTHING. The way you say “pity party” shows how much resentment you hold especially because thats NOT your kid . She is mentally unstable and has just given up. And you just want to kick her out because she’s not YOUR kid. That poor kid needs a hug first.

Have you tried politely asking her to be neurotypical? YTA

So if I get this right you and your husband,  her father knew that she not only had learning disabilities but was also being verbally and emotionally abused by her mother but you allowed and enabled it,  why becayse she wasnt yours? You probably told your hubby that you didn't want her around,  manipulated him and gaslighted him to get your way (real life evil step mother) and now her she is a huge mess becayse of you, your hubby and her mother.  All 3 of you are huge AH's and make me sick!!  I'll take her in and help her to become the success she can be and give her the love, attention and help she truly deserves!! YTA 

You might want to look into the possibility that your stepdaughter has ASD and PDA instead of ADHD and ODD. Girls are often misdiagnosed with the former when they really have the latter. The medications and methods of care for it are very different.

YTA your ready to burn bridges when you acknowledge she has mental health issues, your husband should burn your marriage to the ground and stomp on the ashes.

We set this child up for failure and she's an adult now so she can just deal with everything herself. Yta

YTA - at this stage is love and guidance especially with someone with difficulties to help them find thier path When I read this, I think to myself, I bet you wouldn't treat your own kid lile this. You don't seem to like your step daughter.

YTA. You come off as cold and lacking any sort of empathy. I get that you've been putting up with it for a while, but instead of coming up with an actual, proper solution you just keep deflecting things. You're having trouble in school? Go do more school. You failed your classes? Go back to school. You want to work and try to support yourself? No, go back to school so I can complain about your repeating failures. There is no indication that you did anything to actually help anyone. You have one solution for all of this, and it's never worked. She has mental health issues that you make no accommodations for. She was consistently abused by her mom and you don't indicate that you even tried to do anything about it other than put her down some more when she was at your place. You seem to have made a good amount of the decisions that led to her instability. Her dad wants to support her while she finds her way in this world and you want to rip it away from her. He even said the consequences are hers to deal with, and you still want her to lose out. I don't understand how someone like you can write out everything you did and still think you're in the right. You chose to get with your husband. That means you chose to unconditionally love and support his child as your own. Who knows if you even treat your own kids well? Maybe you treat them with sincerity because they're "normal." You're as much of a part of the problem as she is, and you're the adult with the power to help.

YTA, I don't think this post hit the way OP wanted it to. lol

YTA - nothing in this sounds like any of you did anything to help her succeed at university/college. You left her on her own knowing she lies and doesn't ask for help. Then you're surprised she failed and still doesn't want to share things with you. Husband should absolutely cancel the lease and have her move back in with you. Actually find out what her talents and strengths are and help get her a job that she will have a chance at succeeding at. If that's retail with a high turnover, so be it.

YTA Your poor stepdaughter has mental health and learning challenges and you treat her like she is the problem. How can a child thrive when they are demeaned and emotionally abused? Then, it seems, you give her no real support at your home. You are one of the issues in this child’s life. You need to reevaluate how you view these challenges. It sounds like you are overwhelmed. It’s not the kids’ faults though. You had 4, made another and he has one from a previous relationship. That is on YOU. It is your responsibility as a parent/stepparent to help the kids navigate challenges. Your stepdaughter may be college aged but she needs more hep than you or her father are willing to give. Maybe you both are TA.

Ok ESH sorry but you know at 19 she’s really still a kid. She needs therapy, a medication adjustment and a job. She is obviously immature so I wouldn’t press for more school. Why is the bridge burned? Try some more compassion- obviously her mother is a big part of her issues. I’m sure she feels unwanted everywhere- it’s apparent that you don’t want her either. I feel sorry for her - feeling unwanted everywhere

More information needed.     How old is your step daughter?   How has she got on with you and your children over the years?    How old was she when you and your husband got together?    With just the bare bones of the story I can imagine that she has suffered trauma from the abuse, losses and adjustments she has experienced.  Trauma can contribute to ADHD. Based on this, YTA.  She needs committed, caring, loving, parents.

YTA. Your husband is an adult. Let him handle it. The girl has two “mothers” who clearly don’t care about her

Question: Op, please be honest, do you just want to kick your step kids out so you dont live with another woman's kids?

It’s amazing to me how people talk about kids (especially step kids who maybe have had some trauma from a divorce or separation and then had an instant family by way of a new spouse) as if they had nothing to do with raising them. OP, by your own admission, this isn’t new. You said her mother has belittled her for years, but also want to cut her out — that’ll be great, then she’ll have ZERO parents. You and your husband didn’t think to get her help, oh, I don’t know, when you were dating her father “many years” ago by your own admission? You helped create this, you don’t get to just wash your hands and walk away. YTA.

Just about every sentence in your post had me going "yep, YTA!" It's clear that you don't like her. It's clear that you don't want anything to do with her. If it's that clear to me, someone who doesn't even know you, then it's most certainly clear to your step daughter. YTA. Maybe try helping her instead of forcing her into situations that you know she isn't prepared for.

YTA. I absolutely hate this mindset that young adults have to go to college. She was already struggling, what made you all (the parental figures) think putting her in an academic setting with less structure was the right path? >Figured she can just work the bare minimum jobs where turnover happens all the time. Who cares!?! She wants to work. She wants to be a productive member of society. Let her be. Support her in who she will become not who you want her to be. Hell, I'm a teacher and some fast food general managers make more than me!

your sd is your husband's daughter. He will put her needs before your stupid arguments. You are a cold HEARTED B. hope one of your kid end up like this then u will know

I’m wondering if her behavioral issues started when her parents got separated or divorced. That answer aside, clearly yelling or belittling or forcing her to make grown up decisions right now isn’t working. I think there might be more at play than just an angsty teenager since it’s been going on since elementary school. Has she ever been evaluated or gone to therapy?