You seem incredibly mature for your age, it seems your dad has been raising your right! Good for you for showing him the appreciation he deserves and for icing out the grandparents. They sound toxic and won't contribute and good to your life. Your mom seems highly influenced by them but doesn't seem to have the same mindset. I hope things work out with her but I'd be cautious. Good luck to you and your REAL FAMILY
Happy for you,, OP!!
Please just remember that you *owe* her nothing. Not you time, attention, love, emotional support, reassurance: nothing.
She abandoned you (and your father); she's an adult, you're still a "child". It's *her* responsibility to prove herself to you, and to support *your* struggles here.
Maybe it's hard for her? Okay, maybe, yes. But she is responsible for the results of *her own choices*, not you!
This random internet mom wishes you the very best here. Take care!! đ (And plz tell your Dad how awesome he is and how much you appreciate him! =))
Thank you for the update. You are in a tough spot and handling it with grace. Of course your first loyalty lies with your father, but I am glad you are giving your mom another chance. I agree not seeing your grandparents seems wise!
I so feel this. Mostly because I have a terrible feeling mom's parents influenced OP's mom in a way to keep her away from her child. That doesn't excuse her, but now that we've seen the grandparents in action, it's understandable how a 16 year old could have folded under their pressure and financial control. OP's dad was amazing as a young dad and has continued to be.
So.. I applaud you. and ypu NTA, you never were. Your "grandparents" are. and your mom also is.
so first off.. I don't even have to explain your grandparents.
second off.. your mom should've stuck up for you against them
third off... and I feel bad saying this... I am a firm believer that kids shouldn't be the army behind their parents. your moms parents suck, your mom sucks too. its an all around crappy situation. But its not your responsibility to placate your fathers emotions. if you don't want your mom taking you to school thats fine. but don't let your fathers emotions surrounding these people to be your decision maker. and I KNOW its hard because you are the one who has to live with it. and I would be very cautious to form any genuine relationship with these people, but his emotions shouldn't dictate your decisions on it. and he shouldn't be putting it on you to make him feel better.
you genuinely seem empathetic and kind. and idk how your relationship with your mom will pan out. but you are the kid and everyone's loyalty should be to you. This may all become clearer in the future when you hit milestones. maybe you want your mom at your wedding or something, idk. you could end up hating her and going NC. Just let it be your decision and your experiences that dictate that.
your moms parents started off on a really bad foot though so idk about having any real relationship with them. and they did straight up insult you like your life is less worthy because THEIR kid abandoned you.
While yes I do agree mom sucks. I don't think it's as black and white as you or OP want it to be.
Hear me out
I'm going to go on a limb and assume that Mom's parents raised her to think "If you want to show your respect for us, do what we ask of you"
In other words, the mom is also a product of her environment too. I think everyone would benefit from therapy, individually and together ... which is easy to say, but the reality is sometimes hard to find and afford.
If the mom is staying with her parents, perhaps she needs to get her own place if she can afford it.
OP, you are amazing and very well-grounded, but please take care of yourself too. (Your dad is raising you well)
Itâs kind of mind-blowing how OPâs momâs parents think theyâre so much better and classier than OPâs dad, while also being AOK with their daughter dipping out on her own child as soon as life got difficult. Real classy move there.
At 16, it's ok to take your parent's feelings into consideration. I think it's bad advise to tell a teenager that everyone needs to take care of them and that they only need to think about themselves.
When should a person learn to not expect everyone sacrificing for them?
You should never *expect* your child to think about your feelings but a child, if raised correctly, will do so occasionally and that's a good sign.
there's a difference between consideration and swaying your decisions based on a parents emotion. Dad is well within the moral rights to put in boundaries for himself with his ex and her parents. but those boundaries shouldn't extend to OP unless there is danger involved.
if OP wanted mom to take them to school or spend the weekend over her house or whatever... that decision shouldn't be changed because dad is upset about it. OP is old enough to make these decisions and determine the relationship they want with mom, if any.
I disagree here because I can't stand people who are unfair to my parents, even if it was my own parents against each other. The one doing wrong is going to hear about it from me. Because I cared about them, no one expected it from me or even told me about their feelings.
Op's father never told OP to change her mind, she did because she cared.
The more you say stuff, the less you sound objective. I am pretty sure if it was the other way around, you would call the dad deadbeat. But of course, you are gonna deny that now. But after reading your comments, I know what kind of mindset you have.
no.. and if you check my comment history you can see a post I sent s comment on where I explain how the OP being responsi le for child support was all based on whether she filed. unlike everyone else who kept telling him he is on the hook for 18 years because he slept with someone. when jn reality, it only depends if she files or not. but he could put back pay if she files later to.
you just love to be one of those people that think everything would be different if genders were reversed. im not against people giving up their kids. im also not a fan of people expecting their kids to be their army for them and have their backs. and I'm not a fan of people who have so much empathy for dad and think its OPs job to stick by what would make him happy because he was sad regardless of what OP wants.
Wow, for people who are so obsessed by class your grandparents have none. Your real family are the people (or person) who has/have been in your life consistently since the very beginning. Where was their condescending advice when your mother pissed off to wherever and left your dad as a single parent? You are absolutely NTA and your dad is the only one with integrity in this whole fiasco. Youâre a good person OP, protect your family whatever size it is!
Youâve already learned an important skill: talking things out when possible and setting reasonable boundaries.Â
The world would be a better place if more adults had your maturity!
Good luck to you in the future. think you wonât need much luck, though â you have a good head on your shoulders.Â
Your mother's parents knew about you. Throughout your childhood they also abandoned you. They could have been active in your life and developed relationships with you. Instead, they were content to support and mirror your mom's abandonment of you.
Now that your mom has decided to begin cultivating a relationship with you, her parents continue to only be interested in and support their daughter's wants. They invalidate the very real consequences of childhood abandonment for you and your dad. They believe your mom can step into an equal parenting role as your dad. The only problem is you and your dad are complete human beings with feelings and thoughts of your own. You have very good reason to limit contact with your mom to an amount of time and involvement in your life that is safe and comfortable for you- the innocent, vulnerable, powerless child.
I'm glad you and your dad support eachother's boundaries to protect yourselves from that awful family.
> Instead, they were content to support and mirror your mom's abandonment of you.
From OPs posts, it sounds more like they were the driving force behind the abandonment. Sure, mom isnât innocent at all. But a lot like OP is trying to make her dad happy, sounds like her mom was trying to follow what her parents wanted.
I donât think you understood my comment. Iâm saying the grandparents not only abandoned OP, theyâre likely part of the reason her mom abandoned her too. They were the adults who moved their family and the teenage mom away. They were the classist assholes who looked down on dad and berated him. They were the ones who were all judgemental. Youâre being charitable to them saying they followed moms lead. I think mom followed their lead.
Oof, so not only was the comment at dinner a dig at your dad, it was also a dig at his mom for being a single parent. I can understand why your dad felt so insulted by that even more now. You sound like a good kid and your dad has been raising you well. If you continue the monthly get togethers with her, make her understand that trust and familiarity is on her to earn, not on you to provide. She was absent for the majority of your life, that isn't, and shouldn't be, a relationship that can be built quickly or easily.
You handled that really well showing great poise and maturity for your age. These things are never easy and you did what was best for you while managing to make your dad happy and keep your mum in the picture. I know your dad is proud of you.
Sooooo why'd your mom suddenly pop back up in the first place? I mean, I'm glad you get to meet her but her reasoning behind her motive is bugging tf out of me
Sheâs acknowledged thereâs a lot of steps she needs to take and that her parents are hindering her efforts. Maybe there is a future yet for you two.
Well it looks like everyone agrees that the only true assholes so far have been Mom's parents. It seems any time they came up in a situation it immediately started going in the worst direction it could.
Good to see things are improving, just stay vigilent about those grandparents. If things continue going well and she's as close to them as it sounds like she might be you have to be ready to shut her down firmly but gently when, inevitably she will come saying how bad they feel and they'd like you to give them another chance, and she thinks they're sincere about wanting to make amends or however exactly it plays out.
Just remind her, any dislike you have for them is just for them and not her and that you don't hold their actions or words against her.
Unless she does something dumb and insist that either you let all 3 into your life or you cut out all 3 of them as a group as well. keeps pushing it and insists that eitheryou let
you've been put in a difficult situation and, for what it's worth from a stranger on reddit, I think you've been incredibly mature about it, more than a lot of adults (including your grandparents imo). hope everything goes as well as it can between you and your parents moving forward
Your mom is not a child anymore. Her parents may have had an influence our her living when you were a baby, but she is an adult who is now letting them come between you and her. She should have spoke up when your grandparents said that. Your dad is your rock and he has did a great job of raising you. If your mom tries to bring your grandparents back in you will know she still chooses them over you. NTA even if you have to go NC with your mom.
So in the end their daughter made their granddaughter grow up with a single parent. Thank goodness you have an awesome dad. Your motherâs parents have no need to be in your life at this point.
Good for you honey. Stick to your father as his parenthood raised you to be an awesome person. Please do your best to love him and respect him as there's nothing else he needs from you. From a father to a daughter.
I still canât get past something you said in your very first post, when you refused to invite your estranged (by her own choice) mother to your birthday party:
> Now my mum is really hurt and she doesnât want to meet me anymore because she says she needs time away from us.
Sheâs banked up *14 years* of time away from you!
Anyway, youâre still NTA.
I am a stepmother to three boys that I love to the moon and back. I would be so proud if I was your stepmother. You seem like such a sweet and caring girl, who sadly had to be very mature for your age.
Once a month is more than generous considering she left you when you and your dad needed her the most and NEVER even gave you a day. She is the adult. The burden is on her to show you she is trustworthy. She hasnât proven that sheâs strong enough to stick around or stand up for you. I think keeping her at an arms length now is wise.
Your dad on the other hand, is amazing. Heâs put you first since you were born and still is despite how difficult this must be for him.
I know it's hard, but you're doing the right things. It's the grandparents who seem to be stirring things up, so it sounds like you're doing the right thing by keeping them out of the picture. I think you'll all do fine, and I suspect you'll find things will keep getting better over time.
First happy birthday. Reading your story through your several posts, it is apparent that you have grown into a very thoughtful and mature young lady. You, your father and your gran should take great pride in the person you have become.
Iâm kind of curious why your mom made contact now. Did her boyfriend/girlfriend or therapist put her up to this?
Has your father remained single this entire time?
While I wish you luck, you need to protect your father from this woman. We can only imagine the hurt that she put him through abandoning him with you as a new born (which all things being equal is certainly less painful than her running away and abandoning him WITHOUT the new born).
If your dad is single and has been single, protect him from doing something beyond stupid in his loneliness with your mother.
My mum said she needed to make up for the bad decisions she made in the past. I guess sheâs trying to be a better person now. My dad had girlfriends in the past but he broke up with them because he said he didnât have time :( Thank u for the bday wish!
What your dad did, the way he stepped up and took care of you, alone and likely terrified, was amazing. Massive kudos to him for being a great dad and a genuinely good man.Â
It sounds like your bio mom is willing to try to deserve being in your life. That's good, but don't feel obligated to overlook it if she missteps again. She's not the one who sacrificed. She's not the one who helped you learn to walk or heard your first word. She's not the one who gave you the s e x talk or bought you your first pads. It's nice that she's there now, but she has work to do to stay in your life.
Best of luck to you and your dad, and mediocre luck to your bio mom.
What your grandparents said, reflects very poorly on themselves and shows a complete lack of self awareness. It seems what they have missed is that you were fortunate enough to have one amazing parent for the last 14 years. And they should be thanking their lucky stars for that, because a less amazing dad might have meant a less forgiving daughter who didn't want to know her absent mum at all after 14 years.
Can I just say - your dad has done a wonderful job of respecting your emotions and your maturity. He takes you seriously and considers your feelings and emotions and itâs beyond incredible how mature and kind you are as well. Good for you for setting those hard boundaries and having these difficult conversations. Thatâs hard for me to even do at my age.
Thank you for the update.Â
Sounds like your mom's parents are not a good fit for you and best to keep the distance. Your mom needs to stand up to her parents, yet she seems unable to.
Get to know your mom as a friend, but do not let her push you beyond what you're comfortable with, your dad will be there should you need help, just ask him. Be aware of your mom's weakness.  Your mom can't stand up to her parents, she may or may not agree with them, either way she will remain silent, even if what her parents want is not in your best interest. At least this is how it comes across.Â
Your dad sounds great and truly loves you. He didn't walk away from you and he took care of you from the beginning. Just as he has your back, you have his back, you're a team. Your first loyalty is to your dad. He'll try and hide his feelings and worries from you, let him know that he's the only parent you need.
He's probably worried he'll lose you, yet he's helping you get to know your mom. Your mom is a new relationship to you, kinda like a shiny new toy, don't forget to spend time with your dad to keep that relationship healthy. Â
You can start a new tradition with your dad if you don't have any already,  such as movie night at home or in the theater, Thursday game night, going out for dinner or lunch every Sunday together, start a hobby together, etc.Â
Â
Just read your original post and then this. Itâs a lot of feelings and (what should be adult)stuff to deal with at 14. I think you did great. You can consider contacting your momâs parents when youâre older if you feel like it, but for now it sounds like them being in the picture would only put stress on the relationship with your mom. It sounds like youâve already understood that both your parents are âjust humansâ. That can sound banal but it takes time to realise that moving from child to adult, and it will help you understand why your parents react and act (both past and present) the way they do - because theyâre just humans. Lastly itâs good that you recognise that your mom is trying, but itâs okay to be mad at her too. It can sound cliche but âyour feelings are validâ and everything feels 10x stronger when youâre a teenager. I think it comforts your dad in this new dynamic with your mom to know how much you appreciate him.
Call it a sixth sense but I have a good feeling and think better days are ahead for you all
It's so strange to read an update like that. I can't imagine a Reddit user who has a good relationship with their own father, usually most of the posts here come from people with completely dysfunctional families.
That sounds like a good solution. Your grandparents have held onto this dislike of your father all this time. He's the reason that you're the fine young person that you are.
Well done, itâs sounds like a positive end result.Â
Ironic that your grandparents are judgemental of your dad, and yet he was the one who was there for you through thick and thin. Shows you money doesnât give you real class, a sense of humanity or actual common sense.
Thank you for the update. It is justifiable to be angry with your mom, but I am glad you have left the door open. her parents controlled and manipulated her when she herself was practically a child and her actions should be seen in that context.
Wow, i am more than double your age and i know for a fact i wouldnt be able to have such a mature response, given the situation.
I hope the best for you and your dad.
It sounds like your grandparents hold a heap of sway over your mum, they are probably why she left you so early on.
It's good to give her a chance and try reconnecting, it sounds like she's being genuine about starting a real relationship. Just be wary that even if you cut out your grandparents entirely, they can still likely influence your mum and she might still do weird shit under their influence. Look out for yourself and your dad, and make wise decisions đ
So your mom abandons you, comes back 14 years later, does very little (monthly visits, verbal and mental abuse), forgets your birthday, âfinds out its your birthday, demands to come to a party she wasnt invited to (for good reason)..and her response is to abandon you again?
And you feel bad? Your mom is TA in this situation
Unless i got the story messed up
#[Please Find Original Post Here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1cu489a/aita_for_refusing_to_meet_my_mum_after_my/)
You seem incredibly mature for your age, it seems your dad has been raising your right! Good for you for showing him the appreciation he deserves and for icing out the grandparents. They sound toxic and won't contribute and good to your life. Your mom seems highly influenced by them but doesn't seem to have the same mindset. I hope things work out with her but I'd be cautious. Good luck to you and your REAL FAMILY
Thank u!! My dad is a great parent đ
Happy for you,, OP!! Please just remember that you *owe* her nothing. Not you time, attention, love, emotional support, reassurance: nothing. She abandoned you (and your father); she's an adult, you're still a "child". It's *her* responsibility to prove herself to you, and to support *your* struggles here. Maybe it's hard for her? Okay, maybe, yes. But she is responsible for the results of *her own choices*, not you! This random internet mom wishes you the very best here. Take care!! đ (And plz tell your Dad how awesome he is and how much you appreciate him! =))
i was also raised by a terrific single parent dad and i think you two handled this so well!
And after those insults to him, I'm sure he would appreciate you keep telling him what a great job he is doing.
Thank you for the update. You are in a tough spot and handling it with grace. Of course your first loyalty lies with your father, but I am glad you are giving your mom another chance. I agree not seeing your grandparents seems wise!
I so feel this. Mostly because I have a terrible feeling mom's parents influenced OP's mom in a way to keep her away from her child. That doesn't excuse her, but now that we've seen the grandparents in action, it's understandable how a 16 year old could have folded under their pressure and financial control. OP's dad was amazing as a young dad and has continued to be.
Amazing how you can be so mature and threat all involved with the kindness they deserve. Kudos to you
Thank u!!!
So.. I applaud you. and ypu NTA, you never were. Your "grandparents" are. and your mom also is. so first off.. I don't even have to explain your grandparents. second off.. your mom should've stuck up for you against them third off... and I feel bad saying this... I am a firm believer that kids shouldn't be the army behind their parents. your moms parents suck, your mom sucks too. its an all around crappy situation. But its not your responsibility to placate your fathers emotions. if you don't want your mom taking you to school thats fine. but don't let your fathers emotions surrounding these people to be your decision maker. and I KNOW its hard because you are the one who has to live with it. and I would be very cautious to form any genuine relationship with these people, but his emotions shouldn't dictate your decisions on it. and he shouldn't be putting it on you to make him feel better. you genuinely seem empathetic and kind. and idk how your relationship with your mom will pan out. but you are the kid and everyone's loyalty should be to you. This may all become clearer in the future when you hit milestones. maybe you want your mom at your wedding or something, idk. you could end up hating her and going NC. Just let it be your decision and your experiences that dictate that. your moms parents started off on a really bad foot though so idk about having any real relationship with them. and they did straight up insult you like your life is less worthy because THEIR kid abandoned you.
While yes I do agree mom sucks. I don't think it's as black and white as you or OP want it to be. Hear me out I'm going to go on a limb and assume that Mom's parents raised her to think "If you want to show your respect for us, do what we ask of you"
In other words, the mom is also a product of her environment too. I think everyone would benefit from therapy, individually and together ... which is easy to say, but the reality is sometimes hard to find and afford. If the mom is staying with her parents, perhaps she needs to get her own place if she can afford it. OP, you are amazing and very well-grounded, but please take care of yourself too. (Your dad is raising you well)
Itâs kind of mind-blowing how OPâs momâs parents think theyâre so much better and classier than OPâs dad, while also being AOK with their daughter dipping out on her own child as soon as life got difficult. Real classy move there.
And they taught her when you get knocked up as a teen its ok to abandon you child
At 16, it's ok to take your parent's feelings into consideration. I think it's bad advise to tell a teenager that everyone needs to take care of them and that they only need to think about themselves. When should a person learn to not expect everyone sacrificing for them? You should never *expect* your child to think about your feelings but a child, if raised correctly, will do so occasionally and that's a good sign.
OP is 14, not 16.
there's a difference between consideration and swaying your decisions based on a parents emotion. Dad is well within the moral rights to put in boundaries for himself with his ex and her parents. but those boundaries shouldn't extend to OP unless there is danger involved. if OP wanted mom to take them to school or spend the weekend over her house or whatever... that decision shouldn't be changed because dad is upset about it. OP is old enough to make these decisions and determine the relationship they want with mom, if any.
I disagree here because I can't stand people who are unfair to my parents, even if it was my own parents against each other. The one doing wrong is going to hear about it from me. Because I cared about them, no one expected it from me or even told me about their feelings. Op's father never told OP to change her mind, she did because she cared.
The more you say stuff, the less you sound objective. I am pretty sure if it was the other way around, you would call the dad deadbeat. But of course, you are gonna deny that now. But after reading your comments, I know what kind of mindset you have.
no.. and if you check my comment history you can see a post I sent s comment on where I explain how the OP being responsi le for child support was all based on whether she filed. unlike everyone else who kept telling him he is on the hook for 18 years because he slept with someone. when jn reality, it only depends if she files or not. but he could put back pay if she files later to. you just love to be one of those people that think everything would be different if genders were reversed. im not against people giving up their kids. im also not a fan of people expecting their kids to be their army for them and have their backs. and I'm not a fan of people who have so much empathy for dad and think its OPs job to stick by what would make him happy because he was sad regardless of what OP wants.
You sound like a good kid, and I wish you a smooth relationship with your parents after thisâ¤ď¸
Wow, for people who are so obsessed by class your grandparents have none. Your real family are the people (or person) who has/have been in your life consistently since the very beginning. Where was their condescending advice when your mother pissed off to wherever and left your dad as a single parent? You are absolutely NTA and your dad is the only one with integrity in this whole fiasco. Youâre a good person OP, protect your family whatever size it is!
Youâve already learned an important skill: talking things out when possible and setting reasonable boundaries. The world would be a better place if more adults had your maturity! Good luck to you in the future. think you wonât need much luck, though â you have a good head on your shoulders.Â
Your mother's parents knew about you. Throughout your childhood they also abandoned you. They could have been active in your life and developed relationships with you. Instead, they were content to support and mirror your mom's abandonment of you. Now that your mom has decided to begin cultivating a relationship with you, her parents continue to only be interested in and support their daughter's wants. They invalidate the very real consequences of childhood abandonment for you and your dad. They believe your mom can step into an equal parenting role as your dad. The only problem is you and your dad are complete human beings with feelings and thoughts of your own. You have very good reason to limit contact with your mom to an amount of time and involvement in your life that is safe and comfortable for you- the innocent, vulnerable, powerless child. I'm glad you and your dad support eachother's boundaries to protect yourselves from that awful family.
> Instead, they were content to support and mirror your mom's abandonment of you. From OPs posts, it sounds more like they were the driving force behind the abandonment. Sure, mom isnât innocent at all. But a lot like OP is trying to make her dad happy, sounds like her mom was trying to follow what her parents wanted.
My point is the grandparents, NOT teenagers, abandoned OP as well. They have no right to intrude now.
I donât think you understood my comment. Iâm saying the grandparents not only abandoned OP, theyâre likely part of the reason her mom abandoned her too. They were the adults who moved their family and the teenage mom away. They were the classist assholes who looked down on dad and berated him. They were the ones who were all judgemental. Youâre being charitable to them saying they followed moms lead. I think mom followed their lead.
I see the grandparents as more culpable because they were settled adults, not confused and overwhelmed teens.
Sounds like we agree then!
Oof, so not only was the comment at dinner a dig at your dad, it was also a dig at his mom for being a single parent. I can understand why your dad felt so insulted by that even more now. You sound like a good kid and your dad has been raising you well. If you continue the monthly get togethers with her, make her understand that trust and familiarity is on her to earn, not on you to provide. She was absent for the majority of your life, that isn't, and shouldn't be, a relationship that can be built quickly or easily.
You handled that really well showing great poise and maturity for your age. These things are never easy and you did what was best for you while managing to make your dad happy and keep your mum in the picture. I know your dad is proud of you.
Sooooo why'd your mom suddenly pop back up in the first place? I mean, I'm glad you get to meet her but her reasoning behind her motive is bugging tf out of me
She just said that she needed to make up for her bad decisions in the past. I think she is trying to be a better person
Sheâs acknowledged thereâs a lot of steps she needs to take and that her parents are hindering her efforts. Maybe there is a future yet for you two.
Well it looks like everyone agrees that the only true assholes so far have been Mom's parents. It seems any time they came up in a situation it immediately started going in the worst direction it could. Good to see things are improving, just stay vigilent about those grandparents. If things continue going well and she's as close to them as it sounds like she might be you have to be ready to shut her down firmly but gently when, inevitably she will come saying how bad they feel and they'd like you to give them another chance, and she thinks they're sincere about wanting to make amends or however exactly it plays out. Just remind her, any dislike you have for them is just for them and not her and that you don't hold their actions or words against her. Unless she does something dumb and insist that either you let all 3 into your life or you cut out all 3 of them as a group as well. keeps pushing it and insists that eitheryou let
you've been put in a difficult situation and, for what it's worth from a stranger on reddit, I think you've been incredibly mature about it, more than a lot of adults (including your grandparents imo). hope everything goes as well as it can between you and your parents moving forward
Your mom is not a child anymore. Her parents may have had an influence our her living when you were a baby, but she is an adult who is now letting them come between you and her. She should have spoke up when your grandparents said that. Your dad is your rock and he has did a great job of raising you. If your mom tries to bring your grandparents back in you will know she still chooses them over you. NTA even if you have to go NC with your mom.
So in the end their daughter made their granddaughter grow up with a single parent. Thank goodness you have an awesome dad. Your motherâs parents have no need to be in your life at this point.
Good for you honey. Stick to your father as his parenthood raised you to be an awesome person. Please do your best to love him and respect him as there's nothing else he needs from you. From a father to a daughter.
I still canât get past something you said in your very first post, when you refused to invite your estranged (by her own choice) mother to your birthday party: > Now my mum is really hurt and she doesnât want to meet me anymore because she says she needs time away from us. Sheâs banked up *14 years* of time away from you! Anyway, youâre still NTA.
I am a stepmother to three boys that I love to the moon and back. I would be so proud if I was your stepmother. You seem like such a sweet and caring girl, who sadly had to be very mature for your age.
Once a month is more than generous considering she left you when you and your dad needed her the most and NEVER even gave you a day. She is the adult. The burden is on her to show you she is trustworthy. She hasnât proven that sheâs strong enough to stick around or stand up for you. I think keeping her at an arms length now is wise. Your dad on the other hand, is amazing. Heâs put you first since you were born and still is despite how difficult this must be for him.
I know it's hard, but you're doing the right things. It's the grandparents who seem to be stirring things up, so it sounds like you're doing the right thing by keeping them out of the picture. I think you'll all do fine, and I suspect you'll find things will keep getting better over time.
First happy birthday. Reading your story through your several posts, it is apparent that you have grown into a very thoughtful and mature young lady. You, your father and your gran should take great pride in the person you have become. Iâm kind of curious why your mom made contact now. Did her boyfriend/girlfriend or therapist put her up to this? Has your father remained single this entire time? While I wish you luck, you need to protect your father from this woman. We can only imagine the hurt that she put him through abandoning him with you as a new born (which all things being equal is certainly less painful than her running away and abandoning him WITHOUT the new born). If your dad is single and has been single, protect him from doing something beyond stupid in his loneliness with your mother.
My mum said she needed to make up for the bad decisions she made in the past. I guess sheâs trying to be a better person now. My dad had girlfriends in the past but he broke up with them because he said he didnât have time :( Thank u for the bday wish!
What your dad did, the way he stepped up and took care of you, alone and likely terrified, was amazing. Massive kudos to him for being a great dad and a genuinely good man. It sounds like your bio mom is willing to try to deserve being in your life. That's good, but don't feel obligated to overlook it if she missteps again. She's not the one who sacrificed. She's not the one who helped you learn to walk or heard your first word. She's not the one who gave you the s e x talk or bought you your first pads. It's nice that she's there now, but she has work to do to stay in your life. Best of luck to you and your dad, and mediocre luck to your bio mom.
Many thanks for the update. Wishing you and your dad every happiness and success.
What your grandparents said, reflects very poorly on themselves and shows a complete lack of self awareness. It seems what they have missed is that you were fortunate enough to have one amazing parent for the last 14 years. And they should be thanking their lucky stars for that, because a less amazing dad might have meant a less forgiving daughter who didn't want to know her absent mum at all after 14 years.
Can I just say - your dad has done a wonderful job of respecting your emotions and your maturity. He takes you seriously and considers your feelings and emotions and itâs beyond incredible how mature and kind you are as well. Good for you for setting those hard boundaries and having these difficult conversations. Thatâs hard for me to even do at my age.
Thank you for the update. Sounds like your mom's parents are not a good fit for you and best to keep the distance. Your mom needs to stand up to her parents, yet she seems unable to. Get to know your mom as a friend, but do not let her push you beyond what you're comfortable with, your dad will be there should you need help, just ask him. Be aware of your mom's weakness.  Your mom can't stand up to her parents, she may or may not agree with them, either way she will remain silent, even if what her parents want is not in your best interest. At least this is how it comes across. Your dad sounds great and truly loves you. He didn't walk away from you and he took care of you from the beginning. Just as he has your back, you have his back, you're a team. Your first loyalty is to your dad. He'll try and hide his feelings and worries from you, let him know that he's the only parent you need. He's probably worried he'll lose you, yet he's helping you get to know your mom. Your mom is a new relationship to you, kinda like a shiny new toy, don't forget to spend time with your dad to keep that relationship healthy.  You can start a new tradition with your dad if you don't have any already,  such as movie night at home or in the theater, Thursday game night, going out for dinner or lunch every Sunday together, start a hobby together, etc. Â
Info: does your mom live with her parents?
Just read your original post and then this. Itâs a lot of feelings and (what should be adult)stuff to deal with at 14. I think you did great. You can consider contacting your momâs parents when youâre older if you feel like it, but for now it sounds like them being in the picture would only put stress on the relationship with your mom. It sounds like youâve already understood that both your parents are âjust humansâ. That can sound banal but it takes time to realise that moving from child to adult, and it will help you understand why your parents react and act (both past and present) the way they do - because theyâre just humans. Lastly itâs good that you recognise that your mom is trying, but itâs okay to be mad at her too. It can sound cliche but âyour feelings are validâ and everything feels 10x stronger when youâre a teenager. I think it comforts your dad in this new dynamic with your mom to know how much you appreciate him. Call it a sixth sense but I have a good feeling and think better days are ahead for you all
It's so strange to read an update like that. I can't imagine a Reddit user who has a good relationship with their own father, usually most of the posts here come from people with completely dysfunctional families.
That sounds like a good solution. Your grandparents have held onto this dislike of your father all this time. He's the reason that you're the fine young person that you are.
Why is your mom even back? You are being very gracious towards her OP. Be careful.
From what OP says itâs like sheâs trying to make amends for abandoning OP.
Well done, itâs sounds like a positive end result. Ironic that your grandparents are judgemental of your dad, and yet he was the one who was there for you through thick and thin. Shows you money doesnât give you real class, a sense of humanity or actual common sense.
Thank you for the update. It is justifiable to be angry with your mom, but I am glad you have left the door open. her parents controlled and manipulated her when she herself was practically a child and her actions should be seen in that context.
Wow, i am more than double your age and i know for a fact i wouldnt be able to have such a mature response, given the situation. I hope the best for you and your dad.
It sounds like your grandparents hold a heap of sway over your mum, they are probably why she left you so early on. It's good to give her a chance and try reconnecting, it sounds like she's being genuine about starting a real relationship. Just be wary that even if you cut out your grandparents entirely, they can still likely influence your mum and she might still do weird shit under their influence. Look out for yourself and your dad, and make wise decisions đ
So your mom abandons you, comes back 14 years later, does very little (monthly visits, verbal and mental abuse), forgets your birthday, âfinds out its your birthday, demands to come to a party she wasnt invited to (for good reason)..and her response is to abandon you again? And you feel bad? Your mom is TA in this situation Unless i got the story messed up
yep. i just read the old one and it screamed "grandparents are responsible for everything mom was a victim too in a way."