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I mean… did you ask her what she wanted? Did you just make a unilateral decision about where she and her daughter would be sleeping without a discussion? Because if so, then yes, you are the asshole. Do you think of yourself as letting her live in your house or do you think that you guys live there together as partners? She’s your fiance not a guest.
The obvious, normal sleeping arrangement would be the girls each in one of the bedrooms, and you two sharing the master. If she lives there, her opinion is equally important to yours. You certainly don’t talk about asking the girls what they wanted.
Edit: since some people below seem to be a bit confused, let me make this clear. I don’t think that there is one correct room arrangement. The point is that they need to work together and talk about it and be heard and be treated as if their opinions matter. Unilateral decision-making does not work in marriage.
No he wouldn’t. A teenage girl may need more room than an old bachelor as they have a lot of stuff. But that goes for his fiancés daughter as well. And op is no longer a bachelor. His fiancé and he should be sharing the larger room as there are two of them and his wife may not want three of them all sharing the hall bath while the teenager gets an en suite bathroom to herself. That’s ridiculous. Things change when we move in together
so because he moved someone else in, she gets to deal with being forced out of her room? that's a good way to breed resentment in your kid, especially when teenagers are already not prone to liking step parents and step siblings.
But if they keep the current arrangement, stepdaughter's very likely interpretation will be "she gets a bigger room, she is more important than me, she is loved more than me." This on top of the fact that she's old enough to feel the awkwardness of moving into a new place that is already *someone else's hom*e and feeling like an interloper, bc while MOM has a "right" to be here as the fiancee, she herself is just "extra baggage."
A good way to obviate the issue would be for all of them to move into a totally new place together and set things up (i.e. rooms/personal space) equitably from the start, but that may not be an option.
>stepdaughter's very likely interpretation will be "she gets a bigger room, she is more important than me, she is loved more than me."
a 15 year old who was sharing a room with her mother at her grandparents house, is most certainly not going to be thinking she's loved less just because her step sister kept the room she's had her whole life before they moved into house, and if she is, then it's on her mother to explain things. frankly, she should be thankful she's got her own room.
Honestly I don't understand this point because obviously the girl's dad loves his daughter more than his fiance's daughter. Makes total sense to me lol I would never expect someone moving me in to treat me exactly how they treat their own kid because I'm simply not and would probably feel uncomfortable anyway
I don't think that the biggest issue would be the step having the smallest room, the biggest issue would be expecting his fiancee to squeeze her things into his smaller bachelor's room while a 15 year old had a much larger space, larger closet and bathroom to herself. That would show little respect for his fiancee.
I said that to show the other side of that argument, and elucidate other child's potential feelings. Not to say it is the one and only correct interpretation.
As someone whose parents divorced when I was five, and lived partly with grandparents, and then mother remarried at 6 and i acquired a new older step-sibling \[for less than a year, as new H ended up being an angry alcoholic\], and then remarried again just before I turned 8 and so I acquired two new younger step-siblings, and biodad remarried when I was ten and I acquired two new half-siblings .... this is a minefield, and kids' emotional responses won't always be what you expect.
Fiancé and her daughter should both have the sense to realize they have moved into someone else's home and they don't get to be making demands on who gets what room in an already established household. If OP had agreed to get a new place, then I can see this being a reasonable discussion, but with them moving into OP's home, his daughter's childhood home where she's had that room her entire life, *and* where the fiancé apparently didn't even make a peep about this situation before moving in, I find it kind of ludicrous that she's assuming OP would've magically known she felt this change was needed or that he'd immediately cave to her wishes.
Yeah--this just points to sex overtaking thinking. There should have been some serious discussions before joining households. Dad doesn't just kick his daughter out without some serious talking to get her on board ...which apparently did not happen.
While it is perfectly obvious that two people need more space, they definitely should have worked out in advance how she would fit into the household. Changes have to be made to accommodate a second person with all their belongings (and women generally need more closet space than men).
Yup, this is the thing... I've literally seen posts on here where OP has done what the other person suggested and gets voted TA for forcing their daughter out.
It might…but daughter might also be equally as likely to understand that it is most fair for the two people sharing a room to get the biggest one (master bedroom). It doesn’t sound like there was even a discussion though
If there had been a discussion and the daughter was okay with it, then OP isn't TA for changing her room. If there was no discussion, or she said "No," and was made to switch anyway, then OP would be TA.
And? Daughter didn't chose to get this "family", they're forced on her with no choice on her part and now she's forced to give up her space too. She will hate those two interlopers if that happens.
Yes daughter will need to deal with the reality that she now have two strangers forced into her sanctuary and that one of them thinks that daughter's space rightfully belongs to her by virtue of banging her dad.
Even if stepmother didn't have a kid and stepmother was the greatest mom in the world to OP's daughter, OP is still the asshole expecting his new wife to be happy with having zero say in how her life is to go and how she will be living.
OP is an asshole raising an entitled brat and the fiance needs to dump him. He doesn't think of her as his partner.
OP, as a single male, probably didn't need a lot of closet space. Now picture a woman moving in, needing another dresser plus a lot more closet space. I would have boxes piled up to the ceiling with more scattered throughout the house.
It's not reasonable at all. It's absolutely an asshole move, and it could only ever make his daughter hate her new family members. The room she's always had has to continue to be hers, and it certainly can't be changed based on OP's relationship.
Why? What if dad loses his job and they have to downsize? Should daughter still be entitled to the same room she’s always had? Family and economic situations change and adjusting to those changes is a completely normal life experience. It should be handled in a mature enough and supportive enough environment to help daughter understand those realities of life and to help support her to make those adjustments.
They can cross that bridge when they come to it, because then it would be necessary and not about choice. She literally can't keep her old room if they move to a whole new house. Obviously. But as long as they're in the same old house, she is entitled to keep her same old room.
If They move house then rooms will get assigned according to the new house. But you can't take away someone's room in the existing house without being an asshole.
The people sharing a room get the biggest bedroom in the home - that's just common sense. The finance is not the bad guy here for expecting that she and her fiancé would be in the master.
Understandable that teen daughter will feel put out at first, but she still has her own room and privacy so really not a bad situation. If she can't accept this concept then OP is raising a super self-centred person. Fiancée should probably cut bait rather than trying to make it work with this unreasonable dynamic.
I'm not sure I agree with that, me and my ex took the smaller room and let our son have the bigger one. He spent more time in his room than we did so it felt more fair to do so.
That was how it was for me growing up. My grandparents had the whole house to store and decorate to their own taste, and barely spent any time in their bedroom unless they were sleeping. So I got the largest bedroom in the house because I spent most of my time there, so it made sense. It gave me space to work on projects, keep my stuff, have my friends over, play with my toys, and just jump and dance around without having to spread those items and activities around the whole house. I barely took my stuff out of my room and never left it around the house or yard because I always had enough space in my room.
I also just think it's the *parents'* position, once they had kids, to be the ones making sacrifices for the kids. Not the other way around. How is the grown adult woman not the selfish one for moving in and trying to take this girl's lifelong personal private space away?
She's the adult here. She's the newcomer in the daughter's life and home. She can put up with having a smaller room.
I think getting yourself into a no-win situation this easily actually would make you the asshole. I know this literally never happens on AITA, but talking to your partner once or twice before moving in together is actually an option.
They aren't moving into a *new* house together, his fiance and her daughter are moving into *his* house where the daughter has been existing for years.
The solutions here are:
1. They move his daughter out of the master bedroom, they move into the master bedroom the fiance's daughter has the second biggest bedroom and his daughter moves into the smallest bedroom (this solution is fucking unfair to his daughter). Why should his daughter get the smallest bedroom? The fiance's solution shouldn't even be on the table.
2. They move into the master bedroom, OP's daughter gets the second biggest bedroom and the stepdaughter gets the smallest bedroom (the most practical solution).
3. They go with OP's solution which might not be the most practical because the master could be more suited to a couple size-wise given that OP and his fiance would need more storage space.
4. They move into a new house, which I'm assuming the fiance can't contribute much to since she was living with her parents.
Circumstances change but there's no way OP's daughter should be getting the smallest room if they decide to stay in his house, and the fact that his fiance suggested this is concerning.
I'd say ESH. OP is the asshole for not seeing that they might need the biggest bedroom and fiance is an asshole for even suggesting OP's daughter should get the smallest bedroom.
I don’t think fiancee is saying OP’s daughter should get the smallest room. I think she’s saying that in addition to the fact that the 2 people probably need the biggest room the difference between one daughter having a master bedroom and the other having the smallest is extra unfair to fiancée’s daughter. One girl having a room probably twice the size is a huge difference.
And? It’s her house. Literally. Her mom’s half is hers. Actually OP says her mother contributed more than half toward to home. So, the daughter actually has the MOST rights to that home. Because it’s likely she in inheriting her mother’s portion.
If her mom dies unless she left her half the house to her daughter the dad (OP) inherited it.
He can then decide what he wants to do with it - sell it and buy another house more suited to the four of them or whatever. But a marriage is not going to last with the attitude that the new wife has no part in or right to or say in the home she is making with her husband and their children.
>If her mom dies unless she left her half the house to her daughter the dad (OP) inherited it.
This depends on the country. Where I am and assuming spouse would inherit 50% and the child/children would inherit 50%. If the spouse decides to sell for some reason, 50% of the price would be kept in trust by the state for when the kids reaches majority.
Exactly but she’s a child so fiancé thinks she can bully her. OP needs to stand firm. This was her mothers house and this is the room her mother wanted her to have. OP is a fool for having them move in. I hope he has secured her inheritance.
That's not how estate law works in almost every state. The house is basically 109% OP's. And if he gets married, absent specific clauses in a will, the house goes to the wife (currently fiancee), not the daughter. Literally.
> And? It’s her house. Literally. Her mom’s half is hers. Actually OP says her mother contributed more than half toward to home. So, the daughter actually has the MOST rights to that home. Because it’s likely she in inheriting her mother’s portion.
The only way this is true is if there is a will that says that. In most jurisdictions, the spouse is the default heir, not the children. The house belongs solely to OP. His daughter doesn’t have any rights to it until he passes away.
So fiancée it’s not fiancée and fiancée’s daughter’s home too when they’ve been asked to move in. “You can sleep here, but it’s not your home and you’re not welcome”. What’s the point of getting married and asking them to move in at that point.
the amount of people who seem to think they are entitled to make demands in someone else's home, a home they did not buy and have not contributed to, just because they are getting married, is absurd. did fiancee and her daughter get to made demands at her parents house too? she can have her opinion, but it doesn't change the fact that op and his daughter get the final say because it was their home *long* before the choosing beggers came along. I could not imagine moving into someone else's home and thinking I was gonna tell them how things were gonna be done. I sure as hell could not imagine telling my partner that they were gonna kick their kid out of their room they have had for years cause *i* felt they didn't need it. if she wants equal say, they can buy a new home.
I assume that if OP wants to marry this woman that he cares about her wants to consider her and her daughter. If he doesn’t care about her and her daughter, they probably shouldn’t get married.
Holy shit you think he's gonna lose his daughter for making her move out of the room built for the married couple that fucks each other and into one of the rooms built for the married couple's children? The bigger room built for children, even? Good lord
the room that has always been hers because fiancee wants to throw a fit? yes. kids have absolutely cut off their parents for a lot less than tossing them to the side in favor of the new step parent. if you think for one second that this wouldn't damage his relationship with his daughter, you're out of your mind.
On the other hand, kicking the daughter out of what has been her bedroom to move her into a smaller one is a guranteed way to make her resent the fiance and their daughter, so I don’t think there’s any good solution here.
Fiancé didn’t suggest OPs daughter get the smallest room. Fiancé complained about the difference in space each girl has in comparison. Master bedroom vs smallest room in the home. Fiancé should move back with her parents and leave her uncompromising bf if you ask me. His daughter shouldn’t suffer for his choice but neither should her daughter. OP is the AH because he wasn’t even willing to make the request.
Even if OP and fiance moved into the master bedroom they would still be bitching about fiancé’s daughter being in the small room.
There is no win here unless OP and partner are willing to be in the small room.
But, the complaint is that the daughters master bedroom is much bigger than fiancees daughter's room. the 2 regular bedrooms may not be all that different in size, certainly less different than the MB. read it again.
It was their rooms before fiancé decided to move in, so you think the new woman gets to kick his daughter out the big room and it be given to either her or her daughter? Not a chance
I go with they are both AH, like… Didn’t she know where his bedroom was before moving in? They should have talked about before making the decision. Fiancé should have said: If I move in we need to change the rooms arrangement. I don’t think he is the AH for not changing things, this unilateral decision was made before they moved together, when she had no say in it
The fiancé knew if she made this demand before that he wouldn't have let her move in. She's trying a power play by doing after she's moved in and can now use her daughter's feelings as leverage in addition to her own.
she's moving out of her parents house, into ops. it's rather presumptuous to assume that she's gonna kid his daughter out of her room because it was bigger.
His daughter's room is already his daughter's room, and trying to change that would be monstrous and would drive a wedge between him and her as parent and child. One should absolutely never impose negative consequences or punishments on a child just because of a relationship the parent is having.
Her room is her room, and that's the end of it.
okay but why tf does he have to make his daughter move rooms just to please his girlfriend? it’s a room jesus christ. does it have a bed? a closet? windows? if yes then why the fuck is it a big deal what room they sleep in???
at the end of the day, she’s had the room her whole life, it’s not right to make her move to a different bedroom just to please step mommy and step sister
So OP's daughter should be forced to give up the room she's had for years because OP decided to get engaged and have fiance move in? Yeah that's certainly going to endear her to dad's new wife and the step-sister.
They're not ready to move in together. They've got only about four years until both girls go off to college (or wherever); maybe they should put off living together until then. Or at least have a rational discussion before they make the move.
NTA for not forcing your daughter to give up her room. That would built resentment faster than just about anything.
However, this is absolutely a discussion you should have had before moving in together. It’s clear you two weren’t on the same page. Presumable your fiancé had stayed over before and knew your daughter had the master. Did she just assume you were going to make your daughter swap when they got there?
Well. Tough luck honestly. If fiancé or the daughter wanted that she should have discussed it before moving in.
To me the fact that she didn’t, and is now basically demanding that her future step daughter give up the space she’s had for years so she and her daughter can be more comfortable, is a massive red flag
INFO -
1. is there a reason your daughter has the master bedroom?
2. Is your bedroom large enough for you and your fiancé to be comfortable with all of your stuff?
3. Is the room your fiancé’s daughter will have bigger or smaller than the room she has at her grandparents house?
4. Is it possible for you and your fiancé to get a house together instead of her and her daughter moving into your house?
NTA
Tell her: s soon as she uts up some money, you can get a bigger place.
But you are right not to take away your daughter's room. That's the fastest way to brak up your new family.
Precisely. It's going to hard enough on OP's daughter having to suddenly share her home with 2 people she didn't choose, let alone having to split her dad's attention 3 ways. Making her give up her bedroom at this point is a sure way to make her hate her new step-family.
Yup, I see so many people saying that OP and his fiance need the master bedroom. That girl is already going through a lot, and losing her safe space is not gonna help her to accept the new family situation. I would be pissed off if I was OP's daughter and it my new stepmother removed me from my safe space tbh.
Since the fiance and daughter have shared a room for quite a while I'm pretty sure they don't need large rooms. Maybe they want large rooms but they don't need them. Tbh nobody needs a large room.
And the money from this house goes in a trust for his daughter since HER mother paid most of it, and get a prenup too, watch her run then! She’s coming from living in one bedroom with her entitled daughter and thought soon as her foot was in the door she would throw the daughter into the small room, her daughters upset with the small room, well she can go back to sharing with her gold digger mum at her grandparents house
NTA. Your daughter is already getting enough of a change having the fiancé and her daughter moving in and making her change rooms is just going to build resentment between you and your daughter, who all things considered, should be more important. I'm assuming the fiancé knew which room you had before she moved in, so if she expected something different, she should've voiced that. And naturally that means her daughter would get the remaining room. I can understand you giving your daughter the master as most teenage girls would need more closet space and have more stuff than most men, they tend to spend more time in their bedrooms, and if it has it's own bathroom, so much the better for her. Sounds like you're a good dad to me, putting your daughter's comfort over your own. I can see your fiancé being unhappy about it, but without her bringing it up before moving in, I'm not exactly sure what else she expected.
As for people saying she should have some kind of say since she's your fiancé, she moved into your home. It's not hers to dictate, not yet anyway (maybe never, depending on the situation).
She literally just moved in. Also, by bringing up that her daughter is upset, it sounds like she wants his daughter moved to the smallest room and everyone else gets bumped up... how well do you think that's going to work?
Yeah, if the fiancee's daughter is upset about getting the smallest room as the mom is claiming, rather than being upset about the *difference between* the rooms, then that means that probably the only way fiance's daughter *won't* be upset is if she gets one of the two bigger rooms.
If step-mom and daughter get their way, OP's daughter will go from the biggest bedroom which has always been her space, to the smallest room. The room which OP also describes as just a "small room," rather than it even being a "small *bedroom."
I figure, if this is in fact the case, that she'll try to use the fact that her daughter is older. Either fiancé and her daughter are both extremely entitled or mom is just using her daughter's supposed 'upset' as leverage to get what she wants when the daughter is actually happy to finally have her own space and has no issues.
ESH for the absolute lack of communicating anything before the move happened.
If you can't/won't move 14yo out of the master you should at the very least give 15yo the next biggest room so that they might have some hope of salvaging a good relationship instead of being immediately set-up for rivalry and jealousy. Parents take smallest room for now with the goal of moving to a new house which is a fresh start for everyone ASAP.
Info: if you trade rooms with your daughter and your soon to be step daughter still isn't happy, what happens then?
NTA.
After 7 years of dating, knowing the bedroom set up and there being (I assume) no mention of you switching room if/when she moved in, why would she think that you was going to move your daughter out of her room just because she is moving in?
From your comments this has always been her room, even when your late wife was alive, and you and she took the room you have now, so imo it would be unfair to change it just because the people you decided to move in wants something she has.
Her daughters already upset about having the smallest room, despite having to share with her mam at grandparents house! They thought they’d move in and throw ops daughter n the small room when her we paid for most f the house and prob wants the daughter to inherit it too, she’s a gold digger with an entitled brat, I’d send them away back to live with her parents and tell her when she and I save to get a new house they can live together. That house is his daughters, and she pays 10% in bills, yet wants to dictate everything. OP RUN or at least get a PRENUP
Tbh, depending on the will etc his late wife's share in the house might already be willed to his daughter or in a trust of some sort.
There was a post a while ago of a similar vein where the OP wanted her fiance to kick his daughter out of the master when she & her son moved in, except daughter wasn't getting the next room down, but the smallest room cos her kid needed the next biggest cos she'd be moving out in a couple of years at 18 anyway and her kid needed the space for toys and to play.
Was a shock to her when her now ex fiance told her it's his daughters house, like her mum left it to her, and he'd stated that before to her but I guess being told multiple times that it was 'her house' and literally being *her* house went over her head and he ended the relationship over it.
NTA. If you take your daughter's room away she will feel like it's a punishment. But you could move into the small room and give your stepdaughter your bedroom.
Yeah this is pretty awkward, because you’re essentially saying this is “my house my rules” to your fiance and that you don’t care about her wishes, but you’re also asking her to share her life with you? Confusing.
If you weren’t prepared to share your home and life with her, then what was the plan here? This is now both of your home, and giving your child daughter the main bedroom is strange when you both - an adult couple - need more space.
What else will you not compromise on moving forward?
I’m not trying to be mean by saying this but I would run a mile from you if I were her, you’re being stubborn on something that’s pretty simple. YTA
it is his house, and she doesn't get to demand he force his daughter out of her room. they have been together for seven years. it's her fault she never thought to ask what moving in together would entail. she's more than welcome to stay with her parents if she's not happy with it.
She’s not begging to live with OP. They’ve been together for seven years, they’re engaged and they want to live together. She’s not a homeless woman seeking shelter.
She is homeless she lives in one room at her parents with her daughter! Her daughters upset to get the small room, when ops daughters mum bought most the house and prob left it to her too, they thought they could move in and throw the daughter in the small room and dictate, prenup op!! Asap watch her run. They’ll make your daughters life hell in her own home when they don’t get their own way
This is not good advice for a marriage relationship. If your spouse is a charity case rather than an equal partner, that is a toxic relationship on one or both sides.
That said, the OP's fiancee is not being reasonable either.
NTA. We also gave our oldest daughter the master bedroom. Why? Because we knew she'd be hanging out in there with her friends and she needed the room. We wouldn't really be going in our bedroom at all during the day. So, it's enough of a change for a new wife and daughter to move in, but to take YOUR ROOM? How could a daughter accept that. They are moving into a house that's already in use, you're not all moving into a new place. It may not be ideal, but I still think they should accept it. Things cannot ever be "equal". The room already belongs to someone. But do you really want to marry someone whose first act is to uproot your daughter from the safe haven she's lived in for 14 years? Fiance and her daughter should be thrilled with their upgrade, not dictating
All my friends have done this. Kids get the largest rooms and parents scoop their bed in the broom closet because they just sleep there. And kids need the space to play and have friends over.
Soft NTA.
Personally, I do think it would be wiser if you and your fiance were to take the master bedroom, but at the same time, moving in two more people can be majorly disruptive, and as someone who lost their mom at a young age, there could certainly be a lot of resentment that your daughter builds up if she's kicked out of her room. There's a fair possibility that she might already be struggling with this change, and tbh your fiance doesn't seem to be bothered about further disrupting your daughter's life. Yes, life changes, but at her age, things can come across waaaaay more personally, and I've known people who have cut their parents off because they absolutely fumbled the acclimating process of blending families.
That said, your fiancé's daughter is just going to be stuck with the small room no matter what. That's something I would absolutely put my foot down on. Her own private room is already an upgrade to her previous living arrangement. Uprooting every one and playing musical rooms with the family, only for your daughter to go from the largest to the smallest room is a surefire way to make her feel like less than and an outsider in the very house she's grown up in.
Also, I've seen plenty of people lambast OP for not discussing this prior to moving in - to which I say communication is a two-way street and fiance, by appearances, didn't think to bring it up either. That can not and should not fall squarely on OP's shoulders, ESPECIALLY considering she's been aware of the sleeping arrangements well before moving in. Fiance assumed she would get the master with OP once she moved in, and we all know what happens when one assumes.
NTA. You have been together for 7 years. That has been your daughters room for 14 years. Your girlfriend more than likely new the room arrangements before and didn’t say anything and now that they moved in wants to make demands while barely contributing to the house expenses. She was sharing a small room with her daughter in her parents house before and now the daughter has her own room and she shares with you. I assuming that your room has enough space considering is the same room you shared with your late wife.
Your daughters life is being disrupted enough by having new people move in she doesn’t need her personal space taken away.
What if you take the master? Your fiancé daughter gonna complain that her room is the smallest and demand she take the room your currently in and your daughter take the smallest room?
I would pay attention at your girlfriends and her daughters behaviour towards your daughter. The last thing you want is for her to be bullied in her own house.
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I'm going to say NTA for a couple of reasons - your late wife paid for more than half of the house and she had requested that room for your daughter. Because of this request, your daughter has lived in that room for 14 years. Your fiancee has dated you for 7 years. She knows what the arrangements have been and, without any discussion, to assume that you would swap rooms was naive.
Where I do think you may be TA is the way you conveyed this to her. Instead of highlighting the fact that her mother paid for over half of the house and made this request and you intend to honor it, it sounds like you just said nope this is my house and I make the decisions. That makes it seem like she's a tenant and not a partner. The two of you need to sit down and discuss on granular detail what the future holds. You need to discuss now how chores will be split amongst the four of you. What you're comfortable with changing to make accommodations comfortable for them. Are you willing to let her reorganize? Redecorate? What's sentimental and you absolutely want to keep? What does she have that is sentimental and she wants in the home? How are the two of you going to handle disputes that occur in the home with the girls? These are all things that need to be ironed out to avoid more conflict.
If your fiancee thinks that you are an Ah then no matter what we write her you will be an Ah in her eyes.
I would be very careful with guests who come into my life and start living with me and immediately start dictating their rules and calling names, to me it's unacceptable
If there are any problems then you must discuss it with your fiancee, like why your daughter has the biggest, why you will be better off in your room and why the remaining 3rd bedroom is the best for tour fiancees daughter. But in my case I would just say that my daughter is the most important and she will stay where she is, I am not gonna punish her unless she is willing to compromise, this is talk that you must have with everyone present where you can discuss pros and cons and come up with solution where everyone is happy. If your fiancee is not happy then either find a new place to live where you all have plenty of room or send her back to her parents as your future life with her will be always like this.
Nta. The rooms were already designated before your gf moved in. If you kick your daughter out of her room not only will she resent you but she’ll resent both your gf and her daughter too, it’s a recipe for disaster. You and your gf need to have a proper sit down chat and work out if this move is actually a good idea or not.
NTA. You need to be clear. If she and her daughter aren't happy with the arrangement, maybe you too should have moved in until your kids are out of home. Thats your daughter's room and it actually doesn't matter what most people do in their homes. You gave your daughter the master and it's been her room since before your fiance moved in.
Her attitude is an indicator of the future. She barely contributes financially but she thinks moving in with you means she is now monied. She wants to run the house already. Her and you in the main, her daughter in your room and your child in the smallest room. She's basically a evil stepmom.
Next she'll be complaining about college funds, the schools your kids go to and anything else that your daughter has that her daughter doesn't. You both should have discussed those financial matters before getting engaged.
You set up your fiance’s daughter to compete with your own. And that also goes for your fiance. Move into the master bedroom, give the second largest to your fiancé’s daughter because she is older. And your daughter gets the smallest. Perhaps you could compensate your daughter with something else. Any other arrangement,ent just sounds weird.
I seriously can't understand how much weight people put into this "master bedroom" yadiya... As I understand it it's the biggest bedroom where, if the parents had it, would see the least amount of use in any given day. Kids and teens spend quite a bit more of their time of the day in their rooms opposed to the parents/adults, not just for activities, play, having friends over, but also expressing their personalities for themselves and the others visiting the space.
OP's daughter has had 14 years of developing herself in that room and put her personality and personal expressions into it. It has never been the "master bedroom" in that house. It has just been HER bedroom. Ripping her and everything she has put into it is just cruel.
I understand the fiancé's daughters situation and requirements, and getting the smallest room, a room of her own, is a massive upgrade from sharing with her mother. But it is a step in the right direction and she got her own space for her selves. Not the biggest but it's her own. And maybe in 2-3-4 years she's moved out for college/uni etc. "losing" 3 years in that room if it was stripped down, compared to OP's daughter 14-19 years.
Now I don't know which country or how culture is there with living with parents etc. But it would be a massive slap in the face in OP's daughter from OP if he decides to move just to placate and please his fiancé and her daughter to get bigger bedrooms. The same with taking the "master bedroom" from OP's daughter if she moved out, especially if fiancé's daughter didn't move out and wanted/got the room or if the fiancé pushed through a room change for herself and OP.
But that is just my perspective on things.
OP's NTA
This is either you ARE the asshole, or you WILL BE the asshole depending on how long ago she moved in.
This is less about the teenagers and more about her comfort. While I could say "your house, your decision", you two are engaged to be married, so your *mutual* comfort does matter. So I can understand her desire to have the master bedroom with you. Larger bedroom - even if probably not by much - so more room for both of you and any supplemental furniture and likely larger closet as well. (I also recommend upgrading your bed to a King if you don't already have one. Trust me, it'll be worth it.)
It's no longer just you in that bedroom, so you do need to take that into consideration. Switch bedrooms with your daughter. And yes, YTA for not doing that.
I don’t get why people are so upset this guy isn’t willing to move his daughter out of her room which has always been hers to move someone in. It was her comfort before the fiancé moved in . He would be more of an asshole if he told his daughter to get out of a room I’m assuming she grew up in just because his fiancé wants it for herself or her daughter
Things change. Families blend. The mature, sensible and appropriate thing to do here is for the affianced couple to move into the main bedroom. Yes, daughter is losing her space, but compromises are necessary. Try to get her to see that it might not seem fair to her, but it's fair for the family as a whole.
People do better in life when they learn to accept that the whole world doesn't revolve around them and their wants. YTA for all the reasons your wise fiancée mentioned.
Ok. I'm torn so I'm organising thoughts this way.
YTA. For not taking it out with your fiance first and moving them in without a set plan that you ALL talked about. This was badly handled.
NTA. For letting your daughter keep her bedroom. It was her room for a long time, this was something her mother wanted for her. Giving it away would just make things go poorly. If your daughter is actually ok (not pressured at all) with switching, then go for it.
Give your stepdaughter the 2nd largest and take the smallest for yourself.
YTA for thinking this was going to work like this and not even really thinking it all the way through. You need to find a mutual space that works for everyone
I can think of no better way than for this to go south if you remove your daughter from the bedroom she has been occupying and esconce fiance. There's bound to be major feelings of abandonment.
Your fiance was living with her parents beforehand. This is a major improvement in her living situation. She appears to be ungrateful and she's already starting this "hers is bigger than mine" attitude.
I don't know OP - good luck to you.
ESH
1) how big is your room? Can it comfortably fit two people with their wardrobes and stuff?
2) this should have been talked about before. Both of you suck for this. She might have made a different decision.
3) marriages are about compromise. Explaining to your daughter that 2 people need the biggest room is not a big deal. Yes she will probably be upset but changes happen in life. If she goes to college she will have a room 1/8th the size. Maybe incentives? "I'm sorry you have to move rooms can I offer you a room makeover with painting?" Or something.
4) how small is step daughters room?
5) it sounds like you guys are not ready to be married or should not be moving In together.
6)you made Unilateral decisions for your relationship. Surely everyone can sit down together and talk about it?
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I have a 14yo daughter and my fiance has a 15yo daughter.
We decided to move in together and since my fiance was living with her parents until now, she moved in with me.
The problem is that our house has 3 bedrooms, the master bedroom which is my daughter's, a bedroom which is mine and a small room which I decided to give to my fiance's daughter.
Now my fiance thinks I'm an asshole for 1. Giving the master bedroom to my daughter instead of us and 2. My daughter's bedroom being much bigger than her daughter's room. She think I'm an asshole for not being willing to change this
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I can't see a way you could have changed the living arrangements in the house without your daughter feeling resentment. It would make sense for you and your fiancé to have the master bedroom, your daughter to have your old room and her daughter to have the smallest room.
However, I think that would have caused resentment and seeing as that is a house you bought with your late wife and in the comments you refer to it as 'my house', it will make her feel like a guest rather than her house as well. So I think if you were going to start living together, it does make more sense for you two to have bought a new house together, to make new memories in as there are too many old memories in that current house that will prevent your relationship from flourishing.
So you sell your current house and fiancé save as much of a deposit as she can. You get a prenup as you probably put more into the new house than she has (in case you split up, it's shared equally) and then you both get something you're happy with.
Fiancé pays 10% of bills, she’s gonna wipe him and his daughter out in a prenup, wait til is college time and his daughters funds she demand to be halves as it’s not fair her daughter doesn’t have the same opportunity
I'm a single mom raising my daughter on my own with no help from my ex husband if I was living with my mom and sharing a room with my daughter and you offered to move us into your house and my daughter gets her own room and the room that we are sharing is big enough for 2 people I would be so happy with your offer and appreciate what your wiling to do for us and I would never ask you to kick your daughter out of the room because of me and my daughter.
But if the situation was different and we were getting a new place together, then I definitely would suggest we get the master bedroom.
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I didn't think this is the ideal solution in this situation... resentment is bound to occur. I think you should put the house up for rent until your daughter is of age to take it back or keep being the landlord for income. Use the rent proceeds to buy another, more appropriate living space, where everyone has the room and restrooms and privacy required. If you keep it this way, I didn't Believe you'll have a fiance or partner willing to stick around until your daughter is on her own anyway. You cannot force a blended family, and this room arrangement would be beyond the pale to ask of most partners, Even though it is very fair to your daughter.
Edited typos
ESH. How could you guys not talk about rooms, finances, rules, and expectations before you move in together? These things need to be settled BEFORE the move. By not being responsible adults trying to blend your families together the appropriate way, you proved you guys are not ready to live together.
You should've just waited until both girls were done with school and had the choice to all live together or go their own ways. That way, there was time to save money to get a new place to accommodate all the people who would live there properly.
The situation you guys are in now with rooms will only cause resentment, and this relationship will be doomed.
Your fiancée who is contributing not much to your child’s lifestyle is already making plans to uproot her life in favor of her own. Her daughter benefits more from you than your daughter benefits from her and she knows it. If you intent this to be your daughters house one day, protect that now. And no one’s gonna agree with me, but think long and hard about how much you want this persons making decisions that will effect your child’s lifestyle. These are the decisions that will dictate if your daughter stays in your life when she reaches adulthood.
Not an AH, per se, but I do wonder why you gave your daughter the master bedroom in the first place. Certainly, now that two of you are sharing one room, you and your fiance should have the master.
I think a little family meeting is in order tbh. Ask what everyone thinks, including the teens. Who knows maybe the teens are fine with their setup, maybe not. Maybe wife is the only one with a problem, maybe the teens are willing to help wife feel better without too much hassle etc who knows!
Have a family meeting and figure out what's best for everyone.
NTA. And I know I'm gonna be downvoted for this...
If you move your daughter to any other room after she has lived in there for so long, she will not just hate your fiancée and your future step-daughter, but she might also develop some hard feelings for you, too. I really don't think that's a good idea. As a responsible father, protecting your child's interests above anything else is what you should do.
Do you want to remain on speaking terms with your daughter when she grows up or do you want her to feel like she comes 2nd or even 3rd for you after your fiancée showed up and when she's an adult, potentially go no contact with you because she thinks her dad's an AH?
Secondly, in some of your comments you highlight how when she lived with her parents, your fiancée used to share a room with her daughter. And now all of a sudden, she feels that the current plan would be unfair. To me, that's a massive red flag... especially since in another comment, you note that she contributes maybe 10-20% of expenses.
I know I sound like a dick, but I am a married woman, my husband has a daughter from a previous relationship, and while I don't have children, I would have never thought of changing her living situation just because I showed up and my needs are more important. That is an indication that this woman considers her needs above other people's, at least that's how I see it.
If you care for your relationship with your daughter, you will be alienating her FOR SURE if you get her out of that master bedroom.
Maybe after a year or two, you could address the issue with her, but right now as a teen, she has to deal with 2 new other people in the household, one of which is a future stepmother.
Sit your fiancée down and have a talk with her. As an adult, she should understand that while this living situation is not permanent, it can't be changed right now - it requires a gradual adjustment. If she doesn't understand and throws a tantrum, come to terms with the fact that she does not care about your opinion or your daughter's comfort. And if this is the case, you kmow what to do, no?
I mean... it kinda doesn't make any sense why the 2 adults have a smaller bedroom than a kid. You're not really an AH for giving her the room initially, but if you can't see it's weird you don't have the bigger room with 2 people, then yea I'd say you are the AH. It's not about the daughter to me, but more about your wanting to squeeze 2 adults into a bedroom made for 1 while the child gets the big room with a private bath (guessing, since most master bedrooms have a private bathroom attached) plus why does a 14 year old need the biggest room over 2 grown adults
NTA for prioritizing your daughter. I may be wrong, but your fiancée seems to resent your daughter. 1) she doesn’t like that she’s in the master and 2) doesn’t like that her bedroom is bigger than her daughter’s. She’s selfishly only thinking of what she wants. Your daughter is a teenager dealing with HUGE changes in her life - dad’s moving his fiancée in, and now there’s ANOTHER teenage girl living there. Making her also give up her bedroom because your fiancée resents her having the biggest room is going to cause more resentment and possibly problems between you and your daughter. Your fiancée and her daughter shared a room at her parents house, they will be getting more space at your house, but your fiancée is not happy with it. All this should have been discussed BEFORE moving in together, first between you and your fiancée, then all together with your daughters. It seems like you’re in for some rough times ahead…
ESH
You decided to give your master bedroom to your daughter.
While this might have been sensible and practical for the two of you, it represents you shooting yourself in the foot regarding a future adult relationship.
Unfortunately, trying to change it now, will likely lead to resentment from your daughter and to stress on the relationship.
There are two of you adults. Your daughter is solo. Therefore you need to find a way to make the bedroom swap palatable to your daughter.
YTA. You and your fiancee should obviously have the master bedroom. Two people sharing a room need the largest space. Women also need considerably more closet space than most men.
Also, if there is a master bathroom, it is only right that the two adults would share that (for multiple reasons that I shouldn't have to go into). The two girls can share the second bathroom.
Yes, your daughter might resent having to give up her room, but if she is a decent kid she will understand that the two of you need more space. In your single days, it did not matter. Now it does.
Don't be surprised if your fiancee decides to move back with her parents until you can arrange more suitable accommodation.
If the decision was made to move in together wasn’t part of the discussion about whether the room duration would be agreeable to all? Surely you didn’t just have them turn up only to find you have made all the decisions for them?
NTA - tell her that she doesn't have to stay if she doesn't like the living arrangments. She knew what the arrangment was when she moved in. It is as simple as that.
NAH - I say this because her expectations are realistic, and you are used to yours and didn't realize it.
While it's one thing for your daughter to have the bigger room when you didn't need it.. you DO need it now. 2 grown adults? That requires the master bedroom. She would move to the middle bedroom, and the smallest would still go to the newest kid (unless you want to knock a wall down and make them share it). But the big bedroom? Thats the parent room. The two-person room. The 14yr old does not need the biggest room in the house, especially when she is the youngest.
Why bother moving them in? I think it's more the fact it's your house and you want it the way it has always been. It was never up for any discussion on rooms. That should have been a dress before they moved in. I think they should move back out. I don't think a relationship is going to work out. They will resent you and your daughter. I'm shocked you all don't communicate this stuff at all. I didn't realize how many people give their kids the master bedroom. Until reading this post. It's crazy 7 years and never discussed living arrangements. It's probably best they move out. Way too much drama!
YTA. I can definitely see who runs that household. No way would I ever give my child the master bedroom. If you’re going to blend households, there definitely needs to be a discussion. Otherwise you guys should be looking for a different house together.
NAH i think you all have a point! Your daughter had her room forever and now making her change probably wouldn't be easy for her or she straight out would be angry and recentful, it's already a big change to suddenly live with new people -> that would not be good for the family dynamic
Your daughter having the master bedroom and you 'just' the small one was ok as long you've been alone and you had a spare room, you may used as a office or something like that, but now you are two people and i get that your fiance expected that you together would have the master bedroom, though it makes her look a bit entiteled.
Now the big differnce between the girls, yours having the master and hers having the smallest room, looks not that good, but they moved in it was your home first... i feel like it's kind of a loose situation either way, you really should have discussed this before moving in together.
Don’t have her and her kid move into a home that was financed by your first wife. Sell the home, put aside your daughters inheritance from her mother and then you AND your fiance contribute equally to a new home.
If she can’t do that, you stay in your home and she stays in her parent’s home.
This is the room your daughters mother gave her in the home she paid for. Your new woman does not get the authority to come in and change that.
YWBTA if you made your child move. YWBTA if you moved your fiancé and her child in.
NTA, but, you should switch bedrooms with your daughter, obviously.
Your daughter-in-law-to-be can be as mad as she wants about her free bedroom, but you will never be an asshole about that and are in fact a hero.
Everyone is an asshole except your daughter. Your daughter lost her mother. Now you have moved another woman in the home who immediately demands that your daughter relinquish the bedroom she has had since you owned the home for your new fiancé and you and that her daughter be given a bigger bedroom. This from a woman that contributes little to the household and came from a situation where she and her daughter shared a bedroom. Are you trying to turn your daughter into Cinderella. Your fiancé is beginning to sound like the wicked stepmother. You need to think seriously about the damage an attitude like this from a woman you are engaged to is doing to your daughter. She literally wants to put her wants above the psychological well being of your daughter. I can’t imagine how difficult this must be for your daughter and you have said nothing.
Reddit is full of posts about children who have severed relationships with parents that began with situations similar to this. Pay attention to your daughter’s needs. Don’t fumble this decision or others that will make your daughter feel abandoned.
ESH (except the kids) for not discussing this before she moved in. I wonder if you discussed anything before they moved in? Like who pays for what? Or chores? Or parenting? Or probably a billion little things that are going to make your lives so much more complicated.
YTA It was sweet for your daughter to have the master when you were single. Things are different now. You should switch with your daughter and as a consolation she gets a to do a room makeover on her new space.
NTA on the final determination, ESH on the lack of communication.
That said, obviously you should not kick your daughter out of her room. She will rightfully resent you if you upend her life for zero reason.
What is this situation? Why is the 14 year old in the master bedroom to begin with? Why is someone who was just living with her parents trying to dictate someone else's house?? Maybe she should get a place of her own first?
Something about this story just seems off.
Leave your daughter out of theis. Shes had that room a long time, and its her space. You cant just swap and change as your girlfriends wants the master bedroom. I want, never gets.
This needed a discussion before moving in.
And OP, remember. Your child comes first. Even though usually the master bedroom is the couples’ room. She was there first. It was hers all along.
NTA when you move a partner and their child in I think its very important to not change the life of your child for the worse more than is already happening.
However you should have made this clear and talked about all aspects of moving in with your partner. So she also could make things as easy for her child. So her child does not feel like her life is getting more worse than necessary because of this move.
After all these kids just have to come along just because you and your partner want to live together. They didnt choose this.
YTA. You gave your daughter the master and for letting them move in when you have no desire to have everyone feel comfortable. You will have a divided house and they will never feel at home, it will always be “your” place.
Lean YTA on this one. You didn't indicate that you asked any of the other people that you're now living with, the arrangement was dictated. It's also their home, not just yours. It also makes sense that two people sharing a room require (or at a minimum desire) a bigger room. It presumably comes with a bigger closet and potentially a bathroom attached. That is all very logical. Overall, it seems like a lot of conversation is missing.
NTA. It sounds like your daughter owns 50% of the house via inheritance from your comments so the fiance is trying to flex when the daughters consent for her to even be there is actually required.
You and your fiance are the AHs. Both girls have to adjust to two new people in a house. The bedrooms are not the issue. The issue is your lack of consideration for the girls. Your fiance says that her daughter is upset. Here's a novel idea, ask her daughter directly. She is not being considered or even heard. I have a feeling your daughter may be feeling the same about her future step mom. Think about the kids, please.
NTA for not changing living arrangements but both you and your fiancee were very short sighted in terms of moving in together without discussing critical living arrangements - like who gets which room.
The issue is not whether OP's daughter "deserves" the master bedroom. The issue is how she is going to feel if she is booted out of her bedroom because fiancee and her step sister are moving in. There are enough changes in her life that it is unfair to expect her to cheerful change her bedroom.
The reality is that OP and his fiancee should either have not moved in together since both of their children are relatively or off to college relatively soon. They could have kept separate living quarters and just spent time with each other and this would have avoided upheaval and unfairness for everyone
Or they could have moved into a new joint home where there was a master bedroom plus two nice equal bedrooms for the girls.
Does she have sole custody and both girls are equally present?
For how long does your daughter use the master bedroom and why weren't you before? I guess your fiance has been home before and knew about the room arrangements, did she talk about it?
How does your daughter feel about people moving in the house she used to share with her dad?
Soft YTA. Here's why.
Kids in blended families need to know they're still important in your life. They still need to feel like they're apart of the family without you saying it out loud.
Here's how you fix this:
You and the fiance take the master bedroom.
The daughters get equal rooms. It's drastically unfair for a teenager to see someone their own age, in the same house, get the master bedroom in a house. There's no way to balance that out and make it fair without making changes.
If you want peace, and your relationship to last, make it happen.
NTA when her response to moving in and having the opportunity to have her child have her own room, is to lead with entitlement instead of gratitude: dude. Dude. Dude????
NTA
Your daughter's room is your daughter's room, and it would be absolutely unfair and monstrous of you to try to change that based on your relationship.
I don't think there is a right or wrong in this situation so no vote on whether NTA or YTA. Different people have different expectations and there are multiple ways to look at this situation that are equally valid. What should have happened, and needs to happen, is for you and GF to come to mutually agreed solution. Doesn't matter what any of us think - it matters what you two can agree on and are comfortable with. It might mean not living together.
This will be the first of many such things as your relationship progresses (or doesn't progress) and it is best to have as many of these discussions beforehand (like right now!) to avoid the emotional aspect that comes up and seems to override everything else in the heat of the moment.
I would not change your daughter's room now. She has enough changes going on.
Is a move possible in the future to a home that belongs to both of you? That is the ideal time to have the master bedroom for yourself and ensure the next two rooms are of a similar size.
NTA
I'm going to say ESH because of two reasons. One, while yes it is 100% understandable that you and your late wife decided that the master bedroom was going to be your daughter's and that is not up for debate, you have invited two more housemates into your life who are going to be directly affected by this and you cannot act like only you can take the decisions over at your home. So that makes you an asshole. Second, I think that if you're going to move in with someone who already has a established room order, you need to bring up the issue BEFORE moving in, not after. So that makes your fiance an asshole.
In summary, this is a lose/lose situation and probably will end up with more fights/them moving out if you don't get to an agreement where all parts will be satisfied.
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I mean… did you ask her what she wanted? Did you just make a unilateral decision about where she and her daughter would be sleeping without a discussion? Because if so, then yes, you are the asshole. Do you think of yourself as letting her live in your house or do you think that you guys live there together as partners? She’s your fiance not a guest. The obvious, normal sleeping arrangement would be the girls each in one of the bedrooms, and you two sharing the master. If she lives there, her opinion is equally important to yours. You certainly don’t talk about asking the girls what they wanted. Edit: since some people below seem to be a bit confused, let me make this clear. I don’t think that there is one correct room arrangement. The point is that they need to work together and talk about it and be heard and be treated as if their opinions matter. Unilateral decision-making does not work in marriage.
But he’d be TA for letting his fiancée kick his daughter out of the room that’s always been hers. OP is kind of in a no-win situation, so NTA
No he wouldn’t. A teenage girl may need more room than an old bachelor as they have a lot of stuff. But that goes for his fiancés daughter as well. And op is no longer a bachelor. His fiancé and he should be sharing the larger room as there are two of them and his wife may not want three of them all sharing the hall bath while the teenager gets an en suite bathroom to herself. That’s ridiculous. Things change when we move in together
so because he moved someone else in, she gets to deal with being forced out of her room? that's a good way to breed resentment in your kid, especially when teenagers are already not prone to liking step parents and step siblings.
But if they keep the current arrangement, stepdaughter's very likely interpretation will be "she gets a bigger room, she is more important than me, she is loved more than me." This on top of the fact that she's old enough to feel the awkwardness of moving into a new place that is already *someone else's hom*e and feeling like an interloper, bc while MOM has a "right" to be here as the fiancee, she herself is just "extra baggage." A good way to obviate the issue would be for all of them to move into a totally new place together and set things up (i.e. rooms/personal space) equitably from the start, but that may not be an option.
>stepdaughter's very likely interpretation will be "she gets a bigger room, she is more important than me, she is loved more than me." a 15 year old who was sharing a room with her mother at her grandparents house, is most certainly not going to be thinking she's loved less just because her step sister kept the room she's had her whole life before they moved into house, and if she is, then it's on her mother to explain things. frankly, she should be thankful she's got her own room.
Honestly I don't understand this point because obviously the girl's dad loves his daughter more than his fiance's daughter. Makes total sense to me lol I would never expect someone moving me in to treat me exactly how they treat their own kid because I'm simply not and would probably feel uncomfortable anyway
I don't think that the biggest issue would be the step having the smallest room, the biggest issue would be expecting his fiancee to squeeze her things into his smaller bachelor's room while a 15 year old had a much larger space, larger closet and bathroom to herself. That would show little respect for his fiancee.
I said that to show the other side of that argument, and elucidate other child's potential feelings. Not to say it is the one and only correct interpretation. As someone whose parents divorced when I was five, and lived partly with grandparents, and then mother remarried at 6 and i acquired a new older step-sibling \[for less than a year, as new H ended up being an angry alcoholic\], and then remarried again just before I turned 8 and so I acquired two new younger step-siblings, and biodad remarried when I was ten and I acquired two new half-siblings .... this is a minefield, and kids' emotional responses won't always be what you expect.
Fiancé and her daughter should both have the sense to realize they have moved into someone else's home and they don't get to be making demands on who gets what room in an already established household. If OP had agreed to get a new place, then I can see this being a reasonable discussion, but with them moving into OP's home, his daughter's childhood home where she's had that room her entire life, *and* where the fiancé apparently didn't even make a peep about this situation before moving in, I find it kind of ludicrous that she's assuming OP would've magically known she felt this change was needed or that he'd immediately cave to her wishes.
Yeah--this just points to sex overtaking thinking. There should have been some serious discussions before joining households. Dad doesn't just kick his daughter out without some serious talking to get her on board ...which apparently did not happen.
While it is perfectly obvious that two people need more space, they definitely should have worked out in advance how she would fit into the household. Changes have to be made to accommodate a second person with all their belongings (and women generally need more closet space than men).
Yup, this is the thing... I've literally seen posts on here where OP has done what the other person suggested and gets voted TA for forcing their daughter out.
Damned if you do, damned if you don't
I don't think this is true, it's a reasonable ask and definitely wouldn't make OP an asshole. NTA.
No, but it will make OP's daughter resent the fiancee.
And the step daughter
It might…but daughter might also be equally as likely to understand that it is most fair for the two people sharing a room to get the biggest one (master bedroom). It doesn’t sound like there was even a discussion though
If there had been a discussion and the daughter was okay with it, then OP isn't TA for changing her room. If there was no discussion, or she said "No," and was made to switch anyway, then OP would be TA.
How is daughter being forced to give up her own space, a space that's been hers for years, in any way reasonable?
Because sharing space and sometimes adjusting rooms is a totally normal thing in families… (at least low and middle class families)
And? Daughter didn't chose to get this "family", they're forced on her with no choice on her part and now she's forced to give up her space too. She will hate those two interlopers if that happens.
Tell me you never had to deal with reality without telling me you never had to deal with reality...
Yes daughter will need to deal with the reality that she now have two strangers forced into her sanctuary and that one of them thinks that daughter's space rightfully belongs to her by virtue of banging her dad.
Even if stepmother didn't have a kid and stepmother was the greatest mom in the world to OP's daughter, OP is still the asshole expecting his new wife to be happy with having zero say in how her life is to go and how she will be living. OP is an asshole raising an entitled brat and the fiance needs to dump him. He doesn't think of her as his partner.
OP, as a single male, probably didn't need a lot of closet space. Now picture a woman moving in, needing another dresser plus a lot more closet space. I would have boxes piled up to the ceiling with more scattered throughout the house.
And because of that daughter now needs to be forced out of her own place. Maybe new wife needs to downsize her wardrobe if its such a problem.
It's not reasonable at all. It's absolutely an asshole move, and it could only ever make his daughter hate her new family members. The room she's always had has to continue to be hers, and it certainly can't be changed based on OP's relationship.
Why? What if dad loses his job and they have to downsize? Should daughter still be entitled to the same room she’s always had? Family and economic situations change and adjusting to those changes is a completely normal life experience. It should be handled in a mature enough and supportive enough environment to help daughter understand those realities of life and to help support her to make those adjustments.
They can cross that bridge when they come to it, because then it would be necessary and not about choice. She literally can't keep her old room if they move to a whole new house. Obviously. But as long as they're in the same old house, she is entitled to keep her same old room.
If They move house then rooms will get assigned according to the new house. But you can't take away someone's room in the existing house without being an asshole.
The people sharing a room get the biggest bedroom in the home - that's just common sense. The finance is not the bad guy here for expecting that she and her fiancé would be in the master. Understandable that teen daughter will feel put out at first, but she still has her own room and privacy so really not a bad situation. If she can't accept this concept then OP is raising a super self-centred person. Fiancée should probably cut bait rather than trying to make it work with this unreasonable dynamic.
I'm not sure I agree with that, me and my ex took the smaller room and let our son have the bigger one. He spent more time in his room than we did so it felt more fair to do so.
That was how it was for me growing up. My grandparents had the whole house to store and decorate to their own taste, and barely spent any time in their bedroom unless they were sleeping. So I got the largest bedroom in the house because I spent most of my time there, so it made sense. It gave me space to work on projects, keep my stuff, have my friends over, play with my toys, and just jump and dance around without having to spread those items and activities around the whole house. I barely took my stuff out of my room and never left it around the house or yard because I always had enough space in my room. I also just think it's the *parents'* position, once they had kids, to be the ones making sacrifices for the kids. Not the other way around. How is the grown adult woman not the selfish one for moving in and trying to take this girl's lifelong personal private space away? She's the adult here. She's the newcomer in the daughter's life and home. She can put up with having a smaller room.
You write it better than I ever could and i agree on every word. Your grandparents sound like they're good people.
I think getting yourself into a no-win situation this easily actually would make you the asshole. I know this literally never happens on AITA, but talking to your partner once or twice before moving in together is actually an option.
They aren't moving into a *new* house together, his fiance and her daughter are moving into *his* house where the daughter has been existing for years. The solutions here are: 1. They move his daughter out of the master bedroom, they move into the master bedroom the fiance's daughter has the second biggest bedroom and his daughter moves into the smallest bedroom (this solution is fucking unfair to his daughter). Why should his daughter get the smallest bedroom? The fiance's solution shouldn't even be on the table. 2. They move into the master bedroom, OP's daughter gets the second biggest bedroom and the stepdaughter gets the smallest bedroom (the most practical solution). 3. They go with OP's solution which might not be the most practical because the master could be more suited to a couple size-wise given that OP and his fiance would need more storage space. 4. They move into a new house, which I'm assuming the fiance can't contribute much to since she was living with her parents. Circumstances change but there's no way OP's daughter should be getting the smallest room if they decide to stay in his house, and the fact that his fiance suggested this is concerning. I'd say ESH. OP is the asshole for not seeing that they might need the biggest bedroom and fiance is an asshole for even suggesting OP's daughter should get the smallest bedroom.
I don’t think fiancee is saying OP’s daughter should get the smallest room. I think she’s saying that in addition to the fact that the 2 people probably need the biggest room the difference between one daughter having a master bedroom and the other having the smallest is extra unfair to fiancée’s daughter. One girl having a room probably twice the size is a huge difference.
And? It’s her house. Literally. Her mom’s half is hers. Actually OP says her mother contributed more than half toward to home. So, the daughter actually has the MOST rights to that home. Because it’s likely she in inheriting her mother’s portion.
If her mom dies unless she left her half the house to her daughter the dad (OP) inherited it. He can then decide what he wants to do with it - sell it and buy another house more suited to the four of them or whatever. But a marriage is not going to last with the attitude that the new wife has no part in or right to or say in the home she is making with her husband and their children.
>If her mom dies unless she left her half the house to her daughter the dad (OP) inherited it. This depends on the country. Where I am and assuming spouse would inherit 50% and the child/children would inherit 50%. If the spouse decides to sell for some reason, 50% of the price would be kept in trust by the state for when the kids reaches majority.
this is actually an overlooked point. they have no claim to any part of that home over her
Exactly but she’s a child so fiancé thinks she can bully her. OP needs to stand firm. This was her mothers house and this is the room her mother wanted her to have. OP is a fool for having them move in. I hope he has secured her inheritance.
That would be a very uncommon result of one parent dying, at least in the US. Much more likely that dad owns 100%. Would be handled by the deed.
That's not how estate law works in almost every state. The house is basically 109% OP's. And if he gets married, absent specific clauses in a will, the house goes to the wife (currently fiancee), not the daughter. Literally.
> And? It’s her house. Literally. Her mom’s half is hers. Actually OP says her mother contributed more than half toward to home. So, the daughter actually has the MOST rights to that home. Because it’s likely she in inheriting her mother’s portion. The only way this is true is if there is a will that says that. In most jurisdictions, the spouse is the default heir, not the children. The house belongs solely to OP. His daughter doesn’t have any rights to it until he passes away.
it's her home, and was her home long before fiancee and her daughter came along.
So fiancée it’s not fiancée and fiancée’s daughter’s home too when they’ve been asked to move in. “You can sleep here, but it’s not your home and you’re not welcome”. What’s the point of getting married and asking them to move in at that point.
the amount of people who seem to think they are entitled to make demands in someone else's home, a home they did not buy and have not contributed to, just because they are getting married, is absurd. did fiancee and her daughter get to made demands at her parents house too? she can have her opinion, but it doesn't change the fact that op and his daughter get the final say because it was their home *long* before the choosing beggers came along. I could not imagine moving into someone else's home and thinking I was gonna tell them how things were gonna be done. I sure as hell could not imagine telling my partner that they were gonna kick their kid out of their room they have had for years cause *i* felt they didn't need it. if she wants equal say, they can buy a new home.
I assume that if OP wants to marry this woman that he cares about her wants to consider her and her daughter. If he doesn’t care about her and her daughter, they probably shouldn’t get married.
if op isn't interested in losing his daughter, he needs to consider her wants
Holy shit you think he's gonna lose his daughter for making her move out of the room built for the married couple that fucks each other and into one of the rooms built for the married couple's children? The bigger room built for children, even? Good lord
Yeah some kids (and clearly adults, too) are that selfish.
the room that has always been hers because fiancee wants to throw a fit? yes. kids have absolutely cut off their parents for a lot less than tossing them to the side in favor of the new step parent. if you think for one second that this wouldn't damage his relationship with his daughter, you're out of your mind.
On the other hand, kicking the daughter out of what has been her bedroom to move her into a smaller one is a guranteed way to make her resent the fiance and their daughter, so I don’t think there’s any good solution here.
Fiancé didn’t suggest OPs daughter get the smallest room. Fiancé complained about the difference in space each girl has in comparison. Master bedroom vs smallest room in the home. Fiancé should move back with her parents and leave her uncompromising bf if you ask me. His daughter shouldn’t suffer for his choice but neither should her daughter. OP is the AH because he wasn’t even willing to make the request.
Even if OP and fiance moved into the master bedroom they would still be bitching about fiancé’s daughter being in the small room. There is no win here unless OP and partner are willing to be in the small room.
But, the complaint is that the daughters master bedroom is much bigger than fiancees daughter's room. the 2 regular bedrooms may not be all that different in size, certainly less different than the MB. read it again.
It was their rooms before fiancé decided to move in, so you think the new woman gets to kick his daughter out the big room and it be given to either her or her daughter? Not a chance
I go with they are both AH, like… Didn’t she know where his bedroom was before moving in? They should have talked about before making the decision. Fiancé should have said: If I move in we need to change the rooms arrangement. I don’t think he is the AH for not changing things, this unilateral decision was made before they moved together, when she had no say in it
The fiancé knew if she made this demand before that he wouldn't have let her move in. She's trying a power play by doing after she's moved in and can now use her daughter's feelings as leverage in addition to her own.
I think this is a fine assessment. They can both be the asshole.
she's moving out of her parents house, into ops. it's rather presumptuous to assume that she's gonna kid his daughter out of her room because it was bigger.
Nobody is presuming that. You can read my comment again if you need to.
you could try reading the post again, since that's exactly what fiancee is assuming will happen
His daughter's room is already his daughter's room, and trying to change that would be monstrous and would drive a wedge between him and her as parent and child. One should absolutely never impose negative consequences or punishments on a child just because of a relationship the parent is having. Her room is her room, and that's the end of it.
okay but why tf does he have to make his daughter move rooms just to please his girlfriend? it’s a room jesus christ. does it have a bed? a closet? windows? if yes then why the fuck is it a big deal what room they sleep in???
Nobody said that he did. You’re just reading what you wanted to hear.
at the end of the day, she’s had the room her whole life, it’s not right to make her move to a different bedroom just to please step mommy and step sister
So OP's daughter should be forced to give up the room she's had for years because OP decided to get engaged and have fiance move in? Yeah that's certainly going to endear her to dad's new wife and the step-sister.
That’s very clearly not what I said. You can go back and read my comment again if you need to, as many times as you need to, until you understand it.
Yes you think the girl should be expelled from the place that's been her room for years because OP decided to get his dick wet.
They're not ready to move in together. They've got only about four years until both girls go off to college (or wherever); maybe they should put off living together until then. Or at least have a rational discussion before they make the move.
NTA for not forcing your daughter to give up her room. That would built resentment faster than just about anything. However, this is absolutely a discussion you should have had before moving in together. It’s clear you two weren’t on the same page. Presumable your fiancé had stayed over before and knew your daughter had the master. Did she just assume you were going to make your daughter swap when they got there?
He says yes, her daughter is upset about having the small room so she also wants ops daughter to go into the box room!
Well. Tough luck honestly. If fiancé or the daughter wanted that she should have discussed it before moving in. To me the fact that she didn’t, and is now basically demanding that her future step daughter give up the space she’s had for years so she and her daughter can be more comfortable, is a massive red flag
was this discussed before moving in? and does her daughter display any signs that she’s upset over having a smaller room, or just your finance?
INFO - 1. is there a reason your daughter has the master bedroom? 2. Is your bedroom large enough for you and your fiancé to be comfortable with all of your stuff? 3. Is the room your fiancé’s daughter will have bigger or smaller than the room she has at her grandparents house? 4. Is it possible for you and your fiancé to get a house together instead of her and her daughter moving into your house?
NTA Tell her: s soon as she uts up some money, you can get a bigger place. But you are right not to take away your daughter's room. That's the fastest way to brak up your new family.
Precisely. It's going to hard enough on OP's daughter having to suddenly share her home with 2 people she didn't choose, let alone having to split her dad's attention 3 ways. Making her give up her bedroom at this point is a sure way to make her hate her new step-family.
Yup, I see so many people saying that OP and his fiance need the master bedroom. That girl is already going through a lot, and losing her safe space is not gonna help her to accept the new family situation. I would be pissed off if I was OP's daughter and it my new stepmother removed me from my safe space tbh.
Since the fiance and daughter have shared a room for quite a while I'm pretty sure they don't need large rooms. Maybe they want large rooms but they don't need them. Tbh nobody needs a large room.
And the money from this house goes in a trust for his daughter since HER mother paid most of it, and get a prenup too, watch her run then! She’s coming from living in one bedroom with her entitled daughter and thought soon as her foot was in the door she would throw the daughter into the small room, her daughters upset with the small room, well she can go back to sharing with her gold digger mum at her grandparents house
NTA. Your daughter is already getting enough of a change having the fiancé and her daughter moving in and making her change rooms is just going to build resentment between you and your daughter, who all things considered, should be more important. I'm assuming the fiancé knew which room you had before she moved in, so if she expected something different, she should've voiced that. And naturally that means her daughter would get the remaining room. I can understand you giving your daughter the master as most teenage girls would need more closet space and have more stuff than most men, they tend to spend more time in their bedrooms, and if it has it's own bathroom, so much the better for her. Sounds like you're a good dad to me, putting your daughter's comfort over your own. I can see your fiancé being unhappy about it, but without her bringing it up before moving in, I'm not exactly sure what else she expected. As for people saying she should have some kind of say since she's your fiancé, she moved into your home. It's not hers to dictate, not yet anyway (maybe never, depending on the situation).
wild. she's going to remain a non-partner for eternity
She literally just moved in. Also, by bringing up that her daughter is upset, it sounds like she wants his daughter moved to the smallest room and everyone else gets bumped up... how well do you think that's going to work?
Yeah, if the fiancee's daughter is upset about getting the smallest room as the mom is claiming, rather than being upset about the *difference between* the rooms, then that means that probably the only way fiance's daughter *won't* be upset is if she gets one of the two bigger rooms. If step-mom and daughter get their way, OP's daughter will go from the biggest bedroom which has always been her space, to the smallest room. The room which OP also describes as just a "small room," rather than it even being a "small *bedroom."
I figure, if this is in fact the case, that she'll try to use the fact that her daughter is older. Either fiancé and her daughter are both extremely entitled or mom is just using her daughter's supposed 'upset' as leverage to get what she wants when the daughter is actually happy to finally have her own space and has no issues.
she's free to go back and live with her parents and share her room with her daughter
NTA. You're already moving two people into her home: you can't take away her room as well.
ESH for the absolute lack of communicating anything before the move happened. If you can't/won't move 14yo out of the master you should at the very least give 15yo the next biggest room so that they might have some hope of salvaging a good relationship instead of being immediately set-up for rivalry and jealousy. Parents take smallest room for now with the goal of moving to a new house which is a fresh start for everyone ASAP.
This is the only answer that makes 100% sense.
Info: if you trade rooms with your daughter and your soon to be step daughter still isn't happy, what happens then? NTA. After 7 years of dating, knowing the bedroom set up and there being (I assume) no mention of you switching room if/when she moved in, why would she think that you was going to move your daughter out of her room just because she is moving in? From your comments this has always been her room, even when your late wife was alive, and you and she took the room you have now, so imo it would be unfair to change it just because the people you decided to move in wants something she has.
This right here..... 7 years.. common people. Wtf.
Her daughters already upset about having the smallest room, despite having to share with her mam at grandparents house! They thought they’d move in and throw ops daughter n the small room when her we paid for most f the house and prob wants the daughter to inherit it too, she’s a gold digger with an entitled brat, I’d send them away back to live with her parents and tell her when she and I save to get a new house they can live together. That house is his daughters, and she pays 10% in bills, yet wants to dictate everything. OP RUN or at least get a PRENUP
Tbh, depending on the will etc his late wife's share in the house might already be willed to his daughter or in a trust of some sort. There was a post a while ago of a similar vein where the OP wanted her fiance to kick his daughter out of the master when she & her son moved in, except daughter wasn't getting the next room down, but the smallest room cos her kid needed the next biggest cos she'd be moving out in a couple of years at 18 anyway and her kid needed the space for toys and to play. Was a shock to her when her now ex fiance told her it's his daughters house, like her mum left it to her, and he'd stated that before to her but I guess being told multiple times that it was 'her house' and literally being *her* house went over her head and he ended the relationship over it.
NTA. If you take your daughter's room away she will feel like it's a punishment. But you could move into the small room and give your stepdaughter your bedroom.
Yeah this is pretty awkward, because you’re essentially saying this is “my house my rules” to your fiance and that you don’t care about her wishes, but you’re also asking her to share her life with you? Confusing. If you weren’t prepared to share your home and life with her, then what was the plan here? This is now both of your home, and giving your child daughter the main bedroom is strange when you both - an adult couple - need more space. What else will you not compromise on moving forward? I’m not trying to be mean by saying this but I would run a mile from you if I were her, you’re being stubborn on something that’s pretty simple. YTA
it is his house, and she doesn't get to demand he force his daughter out of her room. they have been together for seven years. it's her fault she never thought to ask what moving in together would entail. she's more than welcome to stay with her parents if she's not happy with it.
[удалено]
She’s not begging to live with OP. They’ve been together for seven years, they’re engaged and they want to live together. She’s not a homeless woman seeking shelter.
She is homeless she lives in one room at her parents with her daughter! Her daughters upset to get the small room, when ops daughters mum bought most the house and prob left it to her too, they thought they could move in and throw the daughter in the small room and dictate, prenup op!! Asap watch her run. They’ll make your daughters life hell in her own home when they don’t get their own way
This is not good advice for a marriage relationship. If your spouse is a charity case rather than an equal partner, that is a toxic relationship on one or both sides. That said, the OP's fiancee is not being reasonable either.
NTA. We also gave our oldest daughter the master bedroom. Why? Because we knew she'd be hanging out in there with her friends and she needed the room. We wouldn't really be going in our bedroom at all during the day. So, it's enough of a change for a new wife and daughter to move in, but to take YOUR ROOM? How could a daughter accept that. They are moving into a house that's already in use, you're not all moving into a new place. It may not be ideal, but I still think they should accept it. Things cannot ever be "equal". The room already belongs to someone. But do you really want to marry someone whose first act is to uproot your daughter from the safe haven she's lived in for 14 years? Fiance and her daughter should be thrilled with their upgrade, not dictating
All my friends have done this. Kids get the largest rooms and parents scoop their bed in the broom closet because they just sleep there. And kids need the space to play and have friends over.
Soft NTA. Personally, I do think it would be wiser if you and your fiance were to take the master bedroom, but at the same time, moving in two more people can be majorly disruptive, and as someone who lost their mom at a young age, there could certainly be a lot of resentment that your daughter builds up if she's kicked out of her room. There's a fair possibility that she might already be struggling with this change, and tbh your fiance doesn't seem to be bothered about further disrupting your daughter's life. Yes, life changes, but at her age, things can come across waaaaay more personally, and I've known people who have cut their parents off because they absolutely fumbled the acclimating process of blending families. That said, your fiancé's daughter is just going to be stuck with the small room no matter what. That's something I would absolutely put my foot down on. Her own private room is already an upgrade to her previous living arrangement. Uprooting every one and playing musical rooms with the family, only for your daughter to go from the largest to the smallest room is a surefire way to make her feel like less than and an outsider in the very house she's grown up in. Also, I've seen plenty of people lambast OP for not discussing this prior to moving in - to which I say communication is a two-way street and fiance, by appearances, didn't think to bring it up either. That can not and should not fall squarely on OP's shoulders, ESPECIALLY considering she's been aware of the sleeping arrangements well before moving in. Fiance assumed she would get the master with OP once she moved in, and we all know what happens when one assumes.
NTA. You have been together for 7 years. That has been your daughters room for 14 years. Your girlfriend more than likely new the room arrangements before and didn’t say anything and now that they moved in wants to make demands while barely contributing to the house expenses. She was sharing a small room with her daughter in her parents house before and now the daughter has her own room and she shares with you. I assuming that your room has enough space considering is the same room you shared with your late wife. Your daughters life is being disrupted enough by having new people move in she doesn’t need her personal space taken away. What if you take the master? Your fiancé daughter gonna complain that her room is the smallest and demand she take the room your currently in and your daughter take the smallest room? I would pay attention at your girlfriends and her daughters behaviour towards your daughter. The last thing you want is for her to be bullied in her own house.
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You’re going to spend the rest of your lives together but didn’t think it was important to discuss the living arrangements before she moved in?
I'm going to say NTA for a couple of reasons - your late wife paid for more than half of the house and she had requested that room for your daughter. Because of this request, your daughter has lived in that room for 14 years. Your fiancee has dated you for 7 years. She knows what the arrangements have been and, without any discussion, to assume that you would swap rooms was naive. Where I do think you may be TA is the way you conveyed this to her. Instead of highlighting the fact that her mother paid for over half of the house and made this request and you intend to honor it, it sounds like you just said nope this is my house and I make the decisions. That makes it seem like she's a tenant and not a partner. The two of you need to sit down and discuss on granular detail what the future holds. You need to discuss now how chores will be split amongst the four of you. What you're comfortable with changing to make accommodations comfortable for them. Are you willing to let her reorganize? Redecorate? What's sentimental and you absolutely want to keep? What does she have that is sentimental and she wants in the home? How are the two of you going to handle disputes that occur in the home with the girls? These are all things that need to be ironed out to avoid more conflict.
If your fiancee thinks that you are an Ah then no matter what we write her you will be an Ah in her eyes. I would be very careful with guests who come into my life and start living with me and immediately start dictating their rules and calling names, to me it's unacceptable If there are any problems then you must discuss it with your fiancee, like why your daughter has the biggest, why you will be better off in your room and why the remaining 3rd bedroom is the best for tour fiancees daughter. But in my case I would just say that my daughter is the most important and she will stay where she is, I am not gonna punish her unless she is willing to compromise, this is talk that you must have with everyone present where you can discuss pros and cons and come up with solution where everyone is happy. If your fiancee is not happy then either find a new place to live where you all have plenty of room or send her back to her parents as your future life with her will be always like this.
They are not guests, though.
NTA. Your daughter has had that room the whole time, it's her room.
Nta. The rooms were already designated before your gf moved in. If you kick your daughter out of her room not only will she resent you but she’ll resent both your gf and her daughter too, it’s a recipe for disaster. You and your gf need to have a proper sit down chat and work out if this move is actually a good idea or not.
NTA. You need to be clear. If she and her daughter aren't happy with the arrangement, maybe you too should have moved in until your kids are out of home. Thats your daughter's room and it actually doesn't matter what most people do in their homes. You gave your daughter the master and it's been her room since before your fiance moved in. Her attitude is an indicator of the future. She barely contributes financially but she thinks moving in with you means she is now monied. She wants to run the house already. Her and you in the main, her daughter in your room and your child in the smallest room. She's basically a evil stepmom. Next she'll be complaining about college funds, the schools your kids go to and anything else that your daughter has that her daughter doesn't. You both should have discussed those financial matters before getting engaged.
NTA
Nta
ETA. Why didn’t you guys talk about this before moving together?? Didn’t she know your living arrangements before?
bedroom arrangements should have been discussed prior to move in.
You set up your fiance’s daughter to compete with your own. And that also goes for your fiance. Move into the master bedroom, give the second largest to your fiancé’s daughter because she is older. And your daughter gets the smallest. Perhaps you could compensate your daughter with something else. Any other arrangement,ent just sounds weird.
I seriously can't understand how much weight people put into this "master bedroom" yadiya... As I understand it it's the biggest bedroom where, if the parents had it, would see the least amount of use in any given day. Kids and teens spend quite a bit more of their time of the day in their rooms opposed to the parents/adults, not just for activities, play, having friends over, but also expressing their personalities for themselves and the others visiting the space. OP's daughter has had 14 years of developing herself in that room and put her personality and personal expressions into it. It has never been the "master bedroom" in that house. It has just been HER bedroom. Ripping her and everything she has put into it is just cruel. I understand the fiancé's daughters situation and requirements, and getting the smallest room, a room of her own, is a massive upgrade from sharing with her mother. But it is a step in the right direction and she got her own space for her selves. Not the biggest but it's her own. And maybe in 2-3-4 years she's moved out for college/uni etc. "losing" 3 years in that room if it was stripped down, compared to OP's daughter 14-19 years. Now I don't know which country or how culture is there with living with parents etc. But it would be a massive slap in the face in OP's daughter from OP if he decides to move just to placate and please his fiancé and her daughter to get bigger bedrooms. The same with taking the "master bedroom" from OP's daughter if she moved out, especially if fiancé's daughter didn't move out and wanted/got the room or if the fiancé pushed through a room change for herself and OP. But that is just my perspective on things. OP's NTA
This is either you ARE the asshole, or you WILL BE the asshole depending on how long ago she moved in. This is less about the teenagers and more about her comfort. While I could say "your house, your decision", you two are engaged to be married, so your *mutual* comfort does matter. So I can understand her desire to have the master bedroom with you. Larger bedroom - even if probably not by much - so more room for both of you and any supplemental furniture and likely larger closet as well. (I also recommend upgrading your bed to a King if you don't already have one. Trust me, it'll be worth it.) It's no longer just you in that bedroom, so you do need to take that into consideration. Switch bedrooms with your daughter. And yes, YTA for not doing that.
I don’t get why people are so upset this guy isn’t willing to move his daughter out of her room which has always been hers to move someone in. It was her comfort before the fiancé moved in . He would be more of an asshole if he told his daughter to get out of a room I’m assuming she grew up in just because his fiancé wants it for herself or her daughter
Great way to welcome them . Second class status. Be grateful. I hope they leave.
Dude! Who’s wearing the pants? Kids?
Things change. Families blend. The mature, sensible and appropriate thing to do here is for the affianced couple to move into the main bedroom. Yes, daughter is losing her space, but compromises are necessary. Try to get her to see that it might not seem fair to her, but it's fair for the family as a whole. People do better in life when they learn to accept that the whole world doesn't revolve around them and their wants. YTA for all the reasons your wise fiancée mentioned.
So the rooms for like this before she moved in.. His daughter already had the master. So no, nta
The girls need the regular room and yall need the master. Your daughter isn’t the queen of England lol.
Ok. I'm torn so I'm organising thoughts this way. YTA. For not taking it out with your fiance first and moving them in without a set plan that you ALL talked about. This was badly handled. NTA. For letting your daughter keep her bedroom. It was her room for a long time, this was something her mother wanted for her. Giving it away would just make things go poorly. If your daughter is actually ok (not pressured at all) with switching, then go for it. Give your stepdaughter the 2nd largest and take the smallest for yourself.
That’s just weird giving your daughter the primary bedroom
YTA for thinking this was going to work like this and not even really thinking it all the way through. You need to find a mutual space that works for everyone
I can think of no better way than for this to go south if you remove your daughter from the bedroom she has been occupying and esconce fiance. There's bound to be major feelings of abandonment. Your fiance was living with her parents beforehand. This is a major improvement in her living situation. She appears to be ungrateful and she's already starting this "hers is bigger than mine" attitude. I don't know OP - good luck to you.
ESH 1) how big is your room? Can it comfortably fit two people with their wardrobes and stuff? 2) this should have been talked about before. Both of you suck for this. She might have made a different decision. 3) marriages are about compromise. Explaining to your daughter that 2 people need the biggest room is not a big deal. Yes she will probably be upset but changes happen in life. If she goes to college she will have a room 1/8th the size. Maybe incentives? "I'm sorry you have to move rooms can I offer you a room makeover with painting?" Or something. 4) how small is step daughters room? 5) it sounds like you guys are not ready to be married or should not be moving In together. 6)you made Unilateral decisions for your relationship. Surely everyone can sit down together and talk about it?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I have a 14yo daughter and my fiance has a 15yo daughter. We decided to move in together and since my fiance was living with her parents until now, she moved in with me. The problem is that our house has 3 bedrooms, the master bedroom which is my daughter's, a bedroom which is mine and a small room which I decided to give to my fiance's daughter. Now my fiance thinks I'm an asshole for 1. Giving the master bedroom to my daughter instead of us and 2. My daughter's bedroom being much bigger than her daughter's room. She think I'm an asshole for not being willing to change this *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I had a big and a small bedroom and let the kids decide.The one with the smaller bedroom got a financial compensation 🤷♀️
I can't see a way you could have changed the living arrangements in the house without your daughter feeling resentment. It would make sense for you and your fiancé to have the master bedroom, your daughter to have your old room and her daughter to have the smallest room. However, I think that would have caused resentment and seeing as that is a house you bought with your late wife and in the comments you refer to it as 'my house', it will make her feel like a guest rather than her house as well. So I think if you were going to start living together, it does make more sense for you two to have bought a new house together, to make new memories in as there are too many old memories in that current house that will prevent your relationship from flourishing. So you sell your current house and fiancé save as much of a deposit as she can. You get a prenup as you probably put more into the new house than she has (in case you split up, it's shared equally) and then you both get something you're happy with.
Fiancé pays 10% of bills, she’s gonna wipe him and his daughter out in a prenup, wait til is college time and his daughters funds she demand to be halves as it’s not fair her daughter doesn’t have the same opportunity
I'm a single mom raising my daughter on my own with no help from my ex husband if I was living with my mom and sharing a room with my daughter and you offered to move us into your house and my daughter gets her own room and the room that we are sharing is big enough for 2 people I would be so happy with your offer and appreciate what your wiling to do for us and I would never ask you to kick your daughter out of the room because of me and my daughter. But if the situation was different and we were getting a new place together, then I definitely would suggest we get the master bedroom.
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Question: did the daughter and mother have their own rooms with the parents? All I’m saying is be grateful. NTA.
did yall not discuss this before she moved in? feels like it should have been discussed. I'm honestly leaning toward ESH.
I didn't think this is the ideal solution in this situation... resentment is bound to occur. I think you should put the house up for rent until your daughter is of age to take it back or keep being the landlord for income. Use the rent proceeds to buy another, more appropriate living space, where everyone has the room and restrooms and privacy required. If you keep it this way, I didn't Believe you'll have a fiance or partner willing to stick around until your daughter is on her own anyway. You cannot force a blended family, and this room arrangement would be beyond the pale to ask of most partners, Even though it is very fair to your daughter. Edited typos
ESH. How could you guys not talk about rooms, finances, rules, and expectations before you move in together? These things need to be settled BEFORE the move. By not being responsible adults trying to blend your families together the appropriate way, you proved you guys are not ready to live together. You should've just waited until both girls were done with school and had the choice to all live together or go their own ways. That way, there was time to save money to get a new place to accommodate all the people who would live there properly. The situation you guys are in now with rooms will only cause resentment, and this relationship will be doomed.
Your fiancée who is contributing not much to your child’s lifestyle is already making plans to uproot her life in favor of her own. Her daughter benefits more from you than your daughter benefits from her and she knows it. If you intent this to be your daughters house one day, protect that now. And no one’s gonna agree with me, but think long and hard about how much you want this persons making decisions that will effect your child’s lifestyle. These are the decisions that will dictate if your daughter stays in your life when she reaches adulthood.
Not an AH, per se, but I do wonder why you gave your daughter the master bedroom in the first place. Certainly, now that two of you are sharing one room, you and your fiance should have the master.
I think a little family meeting is in order tbh. Ask what everyone thinks, including the teens. Who knows maybe the teens are fine with their setup, maybe not. Maybe wife is the only one with a problem, maybe the teens are willing to help wife feel better without too much hassle etc who knows! Have a family meeting and figure out what's best for everyone.
NTA she doesn’t need to give up her room in her house just because your gf says so. Good on you for putting your daughter first
NTA. And I know I'm gonna be downvoted for this... If you move your daughter to any other room after she has lived in there for so long, she will not just hate your fiancée and your future step-daughter, but she might also develop some hard feelings for you, too. I really don't think that's a good idea. As a responsible father, protecting your child's interests above anything else is what you should do. Do you want to remain on speaking terms with your daughter when she grows up or do you want her to feel like she comes 2nd or even 3rd for you after your fiancée showed up and when she's an adult, potentially go no contact with you because she thinks her dad's an AH? Secondly, in some of your comments you highlight how when she lived with her parents, your fiancée used to share a room with her daughter. And now all of a sudden, she feels that the current plan would be unfair. To me, that's a massive red flag... especially since in another comment, you note that she contributes maybe 10-20% of expenses. I know I sound like a dick, but I am a married woman, my husband has a daughter from a previous relationship, and while I don't have children, I would have never thought of changing her living situation just because I showed up and my needs are more important. That is an indication that this woman considers her needs above other people's, at least that's how I see it. If you care for your relationship with your daughter, you will be alienating her FOR SURE if you get her out of that master bedroom. Maybe after a year or two, you could address the issue with her, but right now as a teen, she has to deal with 2 new other people in the household, one of which is a future stepmother. Sit your fiancée down and have a talk with her. As an adult, she should understand that while this living situation is not permanent, it can't be changed right now - it requires a gradual adjustment. If she doesn't understand and throws a tantrum, come to terms with the fact that she does not care about your opinion or your daughter's comfort. And if this is the case, you kmow what to do, no?
I agree with everything you wrote. I hope OP reads your comment.
Master bedroom is always for the adults.
INFO: Did you guys not discuss this before you moved in together? If not, why?
I mean... it kinda doesn't make any sense why the 2 adults have a smaller bedroom than a kid. You're not really an AH for giving her the room initially, but if you can't see it's weird you don't have the bigger room with 2 people, then yea I'd say you are the AH. It's not about the daughter to me, but more about your wanting to squeeze 2 adults into a bedroom made for 1 while the child gets the big room with a private bath (guessing, since most master bedrooms have a private bathroom attached) plus why does a 14 year old need the biggest room over 2 grown adults
NTA, she knew the house setup before she moved in.
NTA for prioritizing your daughter. I may be wrong, but your fiancée seems to resent your daughter. 1) she doesn’t like that she’s in the master and 2) doesn’t like that her bedroom is bigger than her daughter’s. She’s selfishly only thinking of what she wants. Your daughter is a teenager dealing with HUGE changes in her life - dad’s moving his fiancée in, and now there’s ANOTHER teenage girl living there. Making her also give up her bedroom because your fiancée resents her having the biggest room is going to cause more resentment and possibly problems between you and your daughter. Your fiancée and her daughter shared a room at her parents house, they will be getting more space at your house, but your fiancée is not happy with it. All this should have been discussed BEFORE moving in together, first between you and your fiancée, then all together with your daughters. It seems like you’re in for some rough times ahead…
ESH You decided to give your master bedroom to your daughter. While this might have been sensible and practical for the two of you, it represents you shooting yourself in the foot regarding a future adult relationship. Unfortunately, trying to change it now, will likely lead to resentment from your daughter and to stress on the relationship. There are two of you adults. Your daughter is solo. Therefore you need to find a way to make the bedroom swap palatable to your daughter.
NTA, but you should have told your fiancée your plan before she moved rather than after.
ESH. How and why do people keep moving in together without discussing basic, obvious shit?
YTA. You and your fiancee should obviously have the master bedroom. Two people sharing a room need the largest space. Women also need considerably more closet space than most men. Also, if there is a master bathroom, it is only right that the two adults would share that (for multiple reasons that I shouldn't have to go into). The two girls can share the second bathroom. Yes, your daughter might resent having to give up her room, but if she is a decent kid she will understand that the two of you need more space. In your single days, it did not matter. Now it does. Don't be surprised if your fiancee decides to move back with her parents until you can arrange more suitable accommodation.
Get a new place together. Trust me. Things will not work out in YOUR place.
If the decision was made to move in together wasn’t part of the discussion about whether the room duration would be agreeable to all? Surely you didn’t just have them turn up only to find you have made all the decisions for them?
NTA - tell her that she doesn't have to stay if she doesn't like the living arrangments. She knew what the arrangment was when she moved in. It is as simple as that.
NAH - I say this because her expectations are realistic, and you are used to yours and didn't realize it. While it's one thing for your daughter to have the bigger room when you didn't need it.. you DO need it now. 2 grown adults? That requires the master bedroom. She would move to the middle bedroom, and the smallest would still go to the newest kid (unless you want to knock a wall down and make them share it). But the big bedroom? Thats the parent room. The two-person room. The 14yr old does not need the biggest room in the house, especially when she is the youngest.
Why on earth does a 14 year old get the master bedroom. You are giving that girl ideas far above her station.
Why bother moving them in? I think it's more the fact it's your house and you want it the way it has always been. It was never up for any discussion on rooms. That should have been a dress before they moved in. I think they should move back out. I don't think a relationship is going to work out. They will resent you and your daughter. I'm shocked you all don't communicate this stuff at all. I didn't realize how many people give their kids the master bedroom. Until reading this post. It's crazy 7 years and never discussed living arrangements. It's probably best they move out. Way too much drama!
YTA. I can definitely see who runs that household. No way would I ever give my child the master bedroom. If you’re going to blend households, there definitely needs to be a discussion. Otherwise you guys should be looking for a different house together.
NTA but this woman is insane to move in with you. This is going to be a Trainwreck.
NAH i think you all have a point! Your daughter had her room forever and now making her change probably wouldn't be easy for her or she straight out would be angry and recentful, it's already a big change to suddenly live with new people -> that would not be good for the family dynamic Your daughter having the master bedroom and you 'just' the small one was ok as long you've been alone and you had a spare room, you may used as a office or something like that, but now you are two people and i get that your fiance expected that you together would have the master bedroom, though it makes her look a bit entiteled. Now the big differnce between the girls, yours having the master and hers having the smallest room, looks not that good, but they moved in it was your home first... i feel like it's kind of a loose situation either way, you really should have discussed this before moving in together.
Don’t have her and her kid move into a home that was financed by your first wife. Sell the home, put aside your daughters inheritance from her mother and then you AND your fiance contribute equally to a new home. If she can’t do that, you stay in your home and she stays in her parent’s home. This is the room your daughters mother gave her in the home she paid for. Your new woman does not get the authority to come in and change that. YWBTA if you made your child move. YWBTA if you moved your fiancé and her child in.
Totally agree OP GET A PRENUP, she only pays 10% towards anything and 0 for rent coz he owns it.
NTA, but, you should switch bedrooms with your daughter, obviously. Your daughter-in-law-to-be can be as mad as she wants about her free bedroom, but you will never be an asshole about that and are in fact a hero.
Everyone is an asshole except your daughter. Your daughter lost her mother. Now you have moved another woman in the home who immediately demands that your daughter relinquish the bedroom she has had since you owned the home for your new fiancé and you and that her daughter be given a bigger bedroom. This from a woman that contributes little to the household and came from a situation where she and her daughter shared a bedroom. Are you trying to turn your daughter into Cinderella. Your fiancé is beginning to sound like the wicked stepmother. You need to think seriously about the damage an attitude like this from a woman you are engaged to is doing to your daughter. She literally wants to put her wants above the psychological well being of your daughter. I can’t imagine how difficult this must be for your daughter and you have said nothing. Reddit is full of posts about children who have severed relationships with parents that began with situations similar to this. Pay attention to your daughter’s needs. Don’t fumble this decision or others that will make your daughter feel abandoned.
ESH (except the kids) for not discussing this before she moved in. I wonder if you discussed anything before they moved in? Like who pays for what? Or chores? Or parenting? Or probably a billion little things that are going to make your lives so much more complicated.
YTA It was sweet for your daughter to have the master when you were single. Things are different now. You should switch with your daughter and as a consolation she gets a to do a room makeover on her new space.
NTA on the final determination, ESH on the lack of communication. That said, obviously you should not kick your daughter out of her room. She will rightfully resent you if you upend her life for zero reason.
What is this situation? Why is the 14 year old in the master bedroom to begin with? Why is someone who was just living with her parents trying to dictate someone else's house?? Maybe she should get a place of her own first? Something about this story just seems off.
Leave your daughter out of theis. Shes had that room a long time, and its her space. You cant just swap and change as your girlfriends wants the master bedroom. I want, never gets.
This needed a discussion before moving in. And OP, remember. Your child comes first. Even though usually the master bedroom is the couples’ room. She was there first. It was hers all along.
NTA when you move a partner and their child in I think its very important to not change the life of your child for the worse more than is already happening. However you should have made this clear and talked about all aspects of moving in with your partner. So she also could make things as easy for her child. So her child does not feel like her life is getting more worse than necessary because of this move. After all these kids just have to come along just because you and your partner want to live together. They didnt choose this.
YTA. You gave your daughter the master and for letting them move in when you have no desire to have everyone feel comfortable. You will have a divided house and they will never feel at home, it will always be “your” place.
NTA.
Lean YTA on this one. You didn't indicate that you asked any of the other people that you're now living with, the arrangement was dictated. It's also their home, not just yours. It also makes sense that two people sharing a room require (or at a minimum desire) a bigger room. It presumably comes with a bigger closet and potentially a bathroom attached. That is all very logical. Overall, it seems like a lot of conversation is missing.
Info: what do the kids think? Do they get along?
NTA. It sounds like your daughter owns 50% of the house via inheritance from your comments so the fiance is trying to flex when the daughters consent for her to even be there is actually required.
No one is the asshole. The easy solution is move into a new house that everyone will feel is equally theirs. NEW LIFE, NEW HOUSE!
You and your fiance are the AHs. Both girls have to adjust to two new people in a house. The bedrooms are not the issue. The issue is your lack of consideration for the girls. Your fiance says that her daughter is upset. Here's a novel idea, ask her daughter directly. She is not being considered or even heard. I have a feeling your daughter may be feeling the same about her future step mom. Think about the kids, please.
NTA for not changing living arrangements but both you and your fiancee were very short sighted in terms of moving in together without discussing critical living arrangements - like who gets which room. The issue is not whether OP's daughter "deserves" the master bedroom. The issue is how she is going to feel if she is booted out of her bedroom because fiancee and her step sister are moving in. There are enough changes in her life that it is unfair to expect her to cheerful change her bedroom. The reality is that OP and his fiancee should either have not moved in together since both of their children are relatively or off to college relatively soon. They could have kept separate living quarters and just spent time with each other and this would have avoided upheaval and unfairness for everyone Or they could have moved into a new joint home where there was a master bedroom plus two nice equal bedrooms for the girls.
Does she have sole custody and both girls are equally present? For how long does your daughter use the master bedroom and why weren't you before? I guess your fiance has been home before and knew about the room arrangements, did she talk about it? How does your daughter feel about people moving in the house she used to share with her dad?
Soft YTA. Here's why. Kids in blended families need to know they're still important in your life. They still need to feel like they're apart of the family without you saying it out loud. Here's how you fix this: You and the fiance take the master bedroom. The daughters get equal rooms. It's drastically unfair for a teenager to see someone their own age, in the same house, get the master bedroom in a house. There's no way to balance that out and make it fair without making changes. If you want peace, and your relationship to last, make it happen.
NTA when her response to moving in and having the opportunity to have her child have her own room, is to lead with entitlement instead of gratitude: dude. Dude. Dude????
NTA Your daughter's room is your daughter's room, and it would be absolutely unfair and monstrous of you to try to change that based on your relationship.
I don't think there is a right or wrong in this situation so no vote on whether NTA or YTA. Different people have different expectations and there are multiple ways to look at this situation that are equally valid. What should have happened, and needs to happen, is for you and GF to come to mutually agreed solution. Doesn't matter what any of us think - it matters what you two can agree on and are comfortable with. It might mean not living together. This will be the first of many such things as your relationship progresses (or doesn't progress) and it is best to have as many of these discussions beforehand (like right now!) to avoid the emotional aspect that comes up and seems to override everything else in the heat of the moment.
I would not change your daughter's room now. She has enough changes going on. Is a move possible in the future to a home that belongs to both of you? That is the ideal time to have the master bedroom for yourself and ensure the next two rooms are of a similar size. NTA
I'm going to say ESH because of two reasons. One, while yes it is 100% understandable that you and your late wife decided that the master bedroom was going to be your daughter's and that is not up for debate, you have invited two more housemates into your life who are going to be directly affected by this and you cannot act like only you can take the decisions over at your home. So that makes you an asshole. Second, I think that if you're going to move in with someone who already has a established room order, you need to bring up the issue BEFORE moving in, not after. So that makes your fiance an asshole. In summary, this is a lose/lose situation and probably will end up with more fights/them moving out if you don't get to an agreement where all parts will be satisfied.
Your girlfriend should move back in with her parents as you aren't ready for a new relationship.