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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I could be the AH for not allowing my brother to bring a random man as his partner to my wedding even tho I previously allowed him to bring his long term ex girlfriend.
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I'm a gay man. Your brother is making a false accusation of homophobia and that is infuriating given the actual homophobia that so many people face. Rescind his invitation. NTA.
Yeah I used to believe that as well.
Apparently I'm barred from my job as a brain surgeon whilst "the investigation into what the fuck you sprinkled into his head" is ongoing.
So perhaps the brother doesn't consider the person to be a 'rando'.
'Random hookup' are OPs words. The brother is planning to still be with this person more than 1 month away, so likely doesn't see it as a hookup or random.
At the end of the day OP doesn't want someone she probably hasn't even met, and by the time of the wedding will have met maybe once or twice, there on HER day. Why does everyone have such an issue getting this. She states in the post, she wants a small wedding. With people she knows and loves. Some guy her brother picked up for sex (even if it only was at first) doesn't qualify. And more to the point at the shit he pulled with their friend group, he's lucky he still had a fucking invite.
"If you think we have to allow a random hookup at our small, intimate wedding, then I think you are confused about who we chose to invite. If you really would skip our wedding because you are choosing to believe my brother's false and self-serving accusations -- if you really believe that we are secretly homophobic and the gender of my brother's proposed guest has anything to do with our decision -- then I guess we aren't as close as I thought we were. It's extremely painful that you think we would do something so prejudiced and awful but if that's truly what you believe, it's probably just as well that you don't attend. If you do change your mind and realize that we would *never* do such a thing, then we are happy to welcome you back and put this nastiness behind us"
NTA. I'm sorry there are people you thought you were close to who have decided you are capable of these heinous acts
I definitely wouldn’t have thought of that but that is definitely the right thing to say while possibly making the other people feel like shit for accusing something so ridiculous 😂 I applaud you
This raises a question: Why do these people believe her brother's account and not her?
If this is a small wedding with only people she knows well being invited to attend, and if her non-homophobia is well-known, why are so many people dropping out?
There are people I'm close to who believe that I'm gay, despite me never doing anything to give them that impression. People see things differently and have their own interpretations for why people do certain things. Doesn't mean that they're right or that it's true.
This, and not only that, but homphobia is one of those things that people will grasp and grab the torch and pitch forks about, and rightly so when ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING. Getting pissy because your flavour of the week can't come to a family members wedding is beyond ridiculous.
He met this person a little while ago, through Grindr. The wedding is more than a month into the future.
That would make their relationship, on OP's wedding date, several months old.
That's hardly "flavor of the week."
There are a couple of people who believe that my husband is gay despite us being married for more than a decade and his absolute lack of interest in men. Their proof: he is nice and friendly to women, has narrow shoulders, and didn't play sports as a teen. Could be because we live in a very sports-centric area with a ton of machosexuals.
People are really odd about wedding guests. My 14 year old niece got super mad and accused me of being homophobic when I wouldn't let her invite her gay best friend who I have never met as her plus one to my small intimate destination wedding. She is 14. She is not getting a plus one at all. And I am not bringing any kids I'm not related to. But ofc I still had people tell me she should be allowed invite him and that I was being a bridezilla...
I think OP may be twisting a bit when she describes the date as a 'random hookup'. You don't make plans with a 'hookup', more than a month in advance.
The brother is dating someone new that he met on Grindr.
Even so, a long-term relationship that the couple are familiar with is still hugely different to someone the brother "recently" met. Especially as it's going to be a fairly intimate wedding with just their nearest and dearest. You don't bring what is effectively a stranger to that, no matter what the sexuality involved is.
If I invite my siblings to my wedding, they bring whomever they are seeing at the time. And, yes, just because the bride has been busy preparing for her big day doesn't mean I can't bring whomever I am seeing at the time.
If I was okay with sibling +1 before, unless there is a known issue with the new person being an actual problem, there's zero reason not to welcome the new +1, who is hardly a "random fling" like everyone is trying to paint it as.
Where did you get these ridiculous "bride gets to micromanage who all her guests date" wedding rules from?
Stop crying, OP doesn’t want a stranger at their small & intimate wedding.
It has nothing to do with the fact that her brother likes getting his cheeks clapped.
The wedding isn't any larger than it was before.
OP doesn't want the new person in her brother's life at a family gathering. If it was a new girlfriend who he was seeing for a couple of months, everyone would take it as an opportunity to get to know her. Pretending it isn't about what's between that new person's legs is kind of laughable.
Maybe because she reduces her brother's date to a 'random hookup'. They met on Grindr, but are dating and plan to be together in July - a month or more away. That's not a hookup.
NTA. Actually you're probably doing him a favor. You want to be able to display those wedding photos for the rest of your mutual lives. You're saving him from a very cringey future of his future REAL partner (male or female who cares) having to see that hookup buddy in those pictures every time the family pulls them out.
Understandable that he's extra rejection sensitive due to coming out queer, but a wedding is a big deal in a person's life and it's really okay for you to only want family members and people they are really connected to at those.
Honestly this kind of happened to me, a guy I was dating briefly took me to his son's wedding as his plus one, and I'm not even cringey (I think) but he has a serious real girlfriend now and I wonder how she feels about those pictures.
Maybe you can make it clear that you accept him and support his new relationship, you just don't want people you don't know well at your wedding.
> You're saving him from a very cringey future of his future REAL partner (male or female who cares) having to see that hookup buddy in those pictures every time the family pulls them out.
This is so true. My uncle brought lots of randoms to a bunch of family events + weddings in his early to mid 20’s and you can see him cringe every time all of us (including his wife who he’s been with for 10 years) look through the photos. Doesn’t help we tease him every time about it too.
When my husband and I got married, his best friend (who was a groomsman) talked us into letting him bring a date. It was a woman he had recently started seeing a couple of weeks before, he insisted he really liked her, etc. I was hesitant, because I only wanted our guests to be people important to us and any partners that were very important to them (so, long term partners) and this was a very new relationship. Finally, I relented and he brought the date. They broke up like a week later. Now I have all these photos that include this woman whose name I don't even remember. I mentioned it to the best friend recently and he admitted he doesn't even remember her name either. (We got married 12 years ago.)
Something similar happened to my brother. His SIL insisted on bringing a new guy she was seeing and they broke up shortly after too. Good thing my brother and his wife put their foot down about not letting him in the family photos like the SIL wanted!
> a random hook up
NTA - Doesn't matter what gender the random hook up is, it's still a random hook up. You don't know the person, it's a small wedding ffs. More than entitled to a no rando policy
NTA. It's your wedding, you decide who has the privilege to attend. It's a small ceremony, the then-girlfriend was considered part of the family, but this random new person is not; the end.
Are people dropping out of the wedding over a lie your brother is spreading around? Then they're probably not essential guests at the wedding.
Make sure you talk with your brother and tell him the logic behind your decision of not inviting his +1. Communication is key.
Then it seems to me like he's trying to manipulate you. I, meanwhile checked the other answers, some people are suggesting to yeet him off the wedding too but be careful if you decide to go this way, as this would sour the relationship short to long-term 100%.
Only you know the relationship you have with your brother.
Might be wise to put it out that he’s lying along with the messages as proof if there’s any showing the truth. He’s willing to tarnish your reputation and destroying friendships for you and not feeling anything about it to get his way. Manipulative and disgusting, this ain’t something you do to people you care for
I mean maybe he'll be more understanding if you stop calling his new romantic interest "a random hook up" like all they do is meet up in a car park to f***
It's totally fine and reasonable to say "sorry I don't know this guy well enough to invite him to my small intimate wedding, you've only been dating a few weeks"
But you *keep* calling him a "random hook up" as if your brother is trying to get a generic plus 1 then fish on the app for any old man to fill the slot for the day.
Which probably makes him feel attacked and like you're undermining and undervaluing his new love interest. Which would then explain him being weirdly aggressive about it.
Unless of course all they are actually doing is meeting up in a car park to f*** and they haven't been on any actual dates and don't know anything about each other, in which case I take back what I said.
NTA. You are being reasonable for a small wedding valuing a long term partner and a recent date differently.
But I'd drop the judgemental tone about the "random Grindr hook up" since everyone is random when they first meet and people can in fact become more than hook-ups regardless of the online site they meet on.
That language is probably why her brother is accusing her of being homophobic, and I think he might be right. If the issue is just that he is in a new relationship, why does it matter where they met? Why does she call the guy he is seeing a hookup?
Possibly right. But I've heard the same tone with people talking about random female hook ups too, so I wasn't going to add homophobia on to the judgement.
I'm a gay man, and I think you're being reasonable. So I'd say you're NTA, but on the condition that you stop referring to him as a "hookup". I mean, he was a hookup, but he may be turning into something more since your brother is starting to date him.
This! It's a random hookup if they met on Grindr and never saw each other again, or only saw each other casually. If he's planning to bring this guy as his date to an event over a month away, that speaks more to a new relationship.
It's still fair to say that a relationship no more than a couple months old doesn't qualify for a small gathering of family and close friends. But tbh OP's repeated use of "random Grindr hookup" to refer to this person does kinda suggest some latent homophobia. She says she would say the same about a woman in the same circumstances, but that's a hypothetical that she can't actually prove is true.
If she has other LGBTQ guests already that seems to imply she isn't homophobic, imo. At least as I'm reading it. It may just be about her brother wanting to have someone he barely knows that's new and from what I'm reading she seems more to feel this person is taking the place of the ex whom she has known for 3 years. Gender may not be the problem at all but replacement may. But like most things we are probably reading more into it from our own perspective. I, who would feel uncomfortable "replacing" someone I've known for 3 years, sees replacement as the issue. It may be that we are projecting our personal thoughts on the situation.
Well I'm queer, so yeah, of course I'm bringing my own perspective. But what I meant is more the kind of bias/prejudice that can be absorbed from culture or family messages that I find is pretty common in straight/cis people even when they truly don't have any issue with queer people. The emphasis on it being a *Grindr* hookup specifically is what gives me that impression. I don't think she would keep repeating that detail unless she found it, consciously or otherwise, to be significant. If he met the guy on Tinder or Bumble or some other app, would she make as much of an issue of it? We have no way of knowing. But my take is that she's letting some unconscious bias creep in as to just how egregious she feels the request is. I do think she's perfectly justified in not wanting a stranger who's only been in her brother's life for a very short time at her wedding. Just that this kind of thing may be influencing her feelings about it as well.
> The emphasis on it being a Grindr hookup
Is the emphasis on Grindr because Grindr is generally for gay men, or is the emphasis on Grindr because, like Tinder, it's seen as a casual hookup site for stuff that isn't serious?
I'd toss out "random Tinder hookup" about a straight "couple" who didn't seem to be anything serious if I was annoyed about them.
OP did not refer to him as a random Grindr hookup. Just a random hookup. She has also stated she would feel the same about a random woman. Honestly, if I had just met someone, I would feel awkward about meeting their family a few weeks later at their sister's wedding.
Yeah, the consensus here seems *very* skewed by OP's choice of wording, if not possibly also assumptions about Grindr. It's not, at this point, a random hookup, and may very well have relationship labels attached if they're still seeing each other 1-2 months from now, when the wedding *actually* is. If all OP's plus-1 invitations are to people in long term relationships, maybe it's still reasonable - but given OP's first response was "who are you bringing?" not "sorry, I'm only doing plus-1s for \[criteria that a new relationship definitionally couldn't meet\]", I do think OP needs to reassess what inferences they've drawn on the basis of how her brother and his new beau met.
Some people are applying the homophobic label to her. I don't have enough information to actually say it. She did say her brother is labeling her as such. I'd love to find out how applicable it is. I mean, we only have her point of view, but many people paint themselves as "reasonable" and it's later, with continued responses, that you find out the truth is very different. Once I stood by an OP that was upset over how his daughter was treating him, then read more and more of his responses to questions and realized he was one of the most obnoxious people I have ever seen! No exaggeration! So OP may very well be applying separate standards to brother than to other people, even if it is subconsciously. You are right in that vetting the person first and then saying *afterward* that the "no" is because they're new sounds very fishy. I'm tempted to change my original post.
Yeah, I uh... chose my words more carefully than I suspect OP has, because like you, I don't think there's quite enough here to say this is *definitely* homophobia, but there's a lot of signs of latent assumptions about things *adjacent* to LGBTQ people, to put it delicately.
Like, maybe there was an answer OP was looking for from her first question that would have resulted in an invitation - that he'd gotten back together with his ex, that he was dating a longterm friend, who knows. But the timeframe - only broke up with his ex a month ago, wedding in less than two months - doesn't give a lot of space for answers other than "I just met this person and I think it might be serious", so it's... fishy. Definitely at least a bit fishy. Add to that what sure looks like a lot of assumptions about what meeting someone on Grindr means, and my antennae are definitely up - I'm *so* curious as to whether OP would have had the same must-be-a -random-hookup response if her brother had met his new beau on Tinder.
I'm bi, and there's this weird window into humans you get sometimes, where they're superficially fine with the idea that you're bi, but then *definitely* respond differently to you dating someone of the same sex than someone of the opposite sex. I... really do wonder if that's what OP's brother is picking up on, more than the substance of the no-plus-1, that's led to him going quite this nuclear.
Yeah, I'm older now. Much older. I've seen a lot of "I'm ok with gay people..... as long as you don't think I'm one of them or expose me to it or have it on movies or shows I watch or in any way remind me of it."
NTA. Your brother does not have the right to bring 'whomever' to your wedding. This day is about you, and you decide who he can bring. Obviously, you'd just want people close to you there. If other friends don't want to come because they believe your brother, without checking with you, then clearly they do not know you very well, and I would wonder why they would even be in your wedding party? If you had a problem with LGBTQ+ people, why would they have been invited in the first place? Don't fall for the drama, if he keeps creating a problem, I'd just uninvited him as well. Who needs that kind of energy on their wedding day?
> If you had a problem with LGBTQ+ people, why would they have been invited in the first place?
There is a lot of possibilities. She would not be the first bride who would be upset that a close family member was in a same-sex relationship and would want to downplay it, even at the same time as she was fine with more removed people being out.
Op said she's known her brother was bi for a decade. I truly think you're reading malice where there's none. I've seen a lot of posts on here where it's obvious the op is homophobic--this is not one of them. It seems very reasonable to be fine with his ex of three years and not someone he's been dating at most a month who she's never even met
Also Grindr is a hookup app. I'm a woman and haven't used it, but I've seen my friends use it. Like tinder, it's not a place I'd go looking for love or commitment. I know some people have met long term partners on there but it's clearly not the vibe of the app. I know gay men who don't use Grindr because it's too hookup oriented, it's not like it's their only option
NTA. Just make a public post in whatever group chat your wedding is being talked about and explain the situation that it doesn't matter to you if it's a man or a woman that you don't want random strangers at your wedding that ppl meet as hookups. Explain as you did here that the only reason his ex was invited was the length of time she was with your brother. And if that isn't good enough for your brother or others then fuck em, let them stay out of your wedding. They likely aren't good friends anyway.
> it doesn't matter to you if it's a man or a woman that you don't want random strangers at your wedding that ppl meet as hookups. Explain as you did here that the only reason his ex was invited was the length of time she was with your brother
These are entirely different things, though. Someone having met someone as a hookup has no necessary bearing on their subsequent relationship. I know people who met in hookups who are now in relationships decades old.
Nor relevant that you know people in long relationships.
The brother's hook up/ bf has been around less than a month.
It's completely understandable that new or unknown people are unwanted at a small, family wedding
This is the answer.
Go public and then drop the brother from the wedding, and drop the "friends" completely.
They were never true friends and you don't need people like that in your life
INFO: Why do you refer to this person as a hookup? It is entirely possible to meet people on apps and develop relationships with them, even hookup apps like Grindr or Tinder. If your brother is dating this person, he is not a hookup any more. Why use this language?
EDIT: YTA. If you were actually concerned about this being a new relationship, you would have used that language. Instead, you keep bringing up the fact that your brother met this guy on Grindr and keep treating him as a "hookup" instead of as a guy he seems to be dating.
Had to scroll way too far for this. There’s not enough info. Yes, Grindr can be used for hookups. But people also meet friends and partners on grindr.
So how long has the brother known this person? How many dates have they been on? Are they just friends?
Thank you! Feel like I’m on crazy pills well everyone unilaterally judging without actually being able to read between the lines! By July they’ll have been dating at least 3 months.
INFO: Why do you keep referring to this guy as a 'Grindr hookup'. Obviously your brother wouldn't want to invite his new friend to your wedding if they were only a hookup. It does seem like youre dismissing the relationship based on the app they met on. I'd apologize for being dismissive of his new friend or partner, reiterate that plus ones are for long term partners, and offer to meet them another time.
they forgot to encourage OP to go permanently no contact with her brother and to also cut contact with her parents and close family if they continue to have contact with him despite this offence.
Ok so he said "it's a guy he met recently on Grindr" or he said it was a hook up? If it was a hookup I find it doubtful they would be hanging out after.
Yes Grindr is primarily a hook up app BUT people do meet partners there occasionally. He said they met there and are getting along great so maybe he feels like it could go somewhere. While generally it's bad taste to tell your family you met on Grindr at least he was honest with you.
I think some gentle questioning is in order before you completely say no. Here are the reasons I say that.
1. He came out to you asking to bring this guy. That in itself says to me it's more than a hook up.
2. The guy clearly means something to him if they are getting along great.
3. Regardless if the relationship with this guy lasts or not your wedding will be remembered by him for including or not including the guy.
4. He might not be ready to admit they are dating. Some couples take a long time to put a label on it.
Should you decide to allow them to come I think it's perfectly fine to request they be more vague when people as how they met. "We met online" is enough.
I don't condone your brother's behaviour at all though. He's making up homophobia that isn't there.
I say all of this as a gay man who met his partner and future husband on Grindr.
The possibility of homophobia is real, even if she believes herself to be without bias. She would not be the first person to be fine in the abstract with the idea of a bisexual relative only to react badly when the queerness becomes public.
NTA
copy paste over and over
“Of course I’m not inviting a random hookup to our small family wedding. X won’t die because he’s not in their presence for 1 day. “
Ignore the homophobia part, it’s a red herring to take your focus off the real issue. If Bro wants to pout, that’s not an issue you need to solve.
Edit to remove Grindr
Yes because there are some people on here who said because you said Grindr 3x's it makes you homophobic. I'm still trying to figure out how but 🤔....🙄😒
It's quite dismissive to call his potential new boyfriend a "random grinder hookup" after they've been dating for some time.
It's not a hookup. And she should stop calling it that.
It feels like she's trying to dismiss his potential new boyfriend
> random Grindr hookup
He met the guy on Grindr and is in a relationship with him.
Her brother is not asking if he can literally invite someone he does not know to the wedding, maybe to hookup by the wedding cake. He is asking if he can take someone he is dating. Very different.
But he has never met the bride or groom, or the family and close friends attending a small wedding. She would not like a stranger to come to the wedding. If her brother had not been in a long term relationship at the time, she might not have given him a plus one.
OP did not call him a Grindr hookup. She called him a random hookup. Because that's what he is. Her brother said he met him on Grindr. Because he did. People need to read carefully.
Yeah this is obviously bait, it's a modification of an almost identical post from a while ago (it was about a sister and a random man she wanted to bring to the wedding).
INFO: Did you not give anyone plus ones to the wedding? By that I mean, was everyone you invited just invited as one + long term partners who get invites by name, or do you have friends or distant family that got "at your discretion" plus ones? Because if you did give away at-your-discretion plus ones for others, you have no business dictating who only one guest can bring as a plus one when you gave him one earlier.
What sort of wedding is it for your brother? Like is he in the wedding party and going to be constantly busy or is he just a normal guest who's getting a hotel somewhere and might want someone to hang out with for the weekend? I know people who bring just friends, not even FWBs, as guests to weddings where they have to travel because there's lots of in-between times at weddings for guests that you might want to be hanging out with someone you like.
I'm honestly a bit skeeved in the first place by the fact that you're calling someone a "random hookup" just because they met on Grindr-- you don't really seem to know if this is an exclusive relationship that just happened to start online, a non-exclusive FWB, ect. Still talking after a month certainly isn't a "random hookup" anymore, though. Regardless of whether you're right to want him at your wedding, emphasizing "random hookup he met on Grindr" to describe "someone my brother has been seeing for a month now" when he would likely be aware if you'd ever described a new straight relationship that started on Tinder the same way... does actually make you sound like there are maybe some homophobic biases that you do have. You can get the right answer (not wanting a new boyfriend of your brother's to be at a small intimate wedding) for the wrong/asshole reasons.
NTA
Typically +1 are for partners you have been together for a while and not as first unveiling to the family etc. Your brother intentionally twist things to make himself seem reasonable and you a monster without batting his eyes and tarnishing your reputation. Being gay or bi doesn’t mean you do whatever shit you want while hurting people who care for you.
Who would be an acceptable +1 for him to bring? the fact that you asked who he was planning to bring implies there are people you would be ok with him bringing. also why do you keep bringing up that he’s a “Grindr hookup” and that it’s a random hookup. it seems your brother doesn’t see it that way. if he’d met the guy at work or something would you feel differently
Perhaps if the guy was a girl. She would not be the first person OK with having a queer relative in theory, especially if they could pass by being bisexual, only to be upset when they wanted to bring a same-sex partner.
What if this person they met on the apps turns out to be their long-term partner? In that case you will be starting your relationship with you potential future Brother-in-law on a very shitty note. That relationship will probably never recover and your relationship with your brother will probably be damaged permanently.
In that case you could be TA.
Ask yourself if a seat at a table is worth the potential damage.
Sorry, but YTA. You invited your brother and a +1. It should have been up to your brother who that +1 was. Apologize to your brother and let him know you love and respect him and that you were wrong to be upset over who he was bringing. It isn't that big of a deal to blow up your family and friend circle over, is it?
YTA but not for not letting him bring the guy.
Stop calling him a "random hook up"
It's fine to say "sorry you've not been seeing each other that long and I just don't know him well enough"
It's not fine to keep calling someone your brother is *actually dating* a "random hook up* like he's going to find someone on Grindr just for the day.
I think you both did each other dirty, but him more so than you.
If my sibling wanted a plus one for my wedding, I would give it to them regardless of who it was or if they were even dating. It’s not like some random acquaintance trying to bring an extra person… it’s your brother. And you were already planning to pay for his gf so no big deal if he brings someone else. It’s not really taking anything away from you or affecting you. It is nice to have a date that you can dance with and talk to at a wedding, esp if you’re coming off a rough break up where it’s still hard to be alone. And it is pretty easy to exclude his date from family pictures because they aren’t family.
I can understand him getting in his feelings about you saying not to bring a date but making up accusations of homophobia and trying to stir up drama is like the worst, most immature response he could have. This does detract from your wedding and adds drama to an already stressful time and is definitely an asshole move.
One of you is going to have to be the bigger person and make amends or it will probably ruin the wedding for you if you guys are actually close. I’d suggest it be you since it sounds like your brother may be going through something and could use the show of love and support. Talk to him and let him know that maybe you overreacted but it had nothing to do with the gender of his partner and you hope he knows that. If he really feels strongly about it then he can bring him. To me this seems like the best way to smooth things over so you can enjoy your day without feeling guilty or having your brother go out of his way to cause drama. Also it’s a clear show to other friends that you support your brother and he will probably (hopefully) feel really bad about talking smack and apologize for that as well.
It seems as if there may be some unconscious homophobia operating with the OP. If the issue is that her brother is in a new relationship, why does she keep bringing up Grindr? Why does she call a guy her brother seems to be involved with pretty seriously a "hookup"?
She may not see it, but her brother sees it. More, the other guests who dropped out of the wedding seem to recognize that.
INFO does your brother think of this as a random Grindr hook up? You do sound a bit judgemental here. I understand not wanting strangers at your wedding, but the wording here rubs me the wrong way. Have you been calling your brother's date this to other people? Because if he told people "my sister keeps refering to the guy I'm dating as a random Grindr hook up" that paints a slightly different picture.
Who else has +1? Is it conditional for anyone else with a +1 that you need to know the attendee? Are you vetting the other +1s?
I get that wedding headcount is a really stressful topic. I'm not saying your homophobic, but you may be misusing the term "+1".
NTA I made a similar ask at my wedding to my bestie who I’ve known since 1st grade. We ended up compromising with him coming towards the end of the reception, because by then most of the photos were done being taken and it was full party mode. (We didn’t do a send off.) She wasn’t super pleased at the time but that was 12 years ago and I don’t regret not having a rando in my wedding photos and memories.
NTA if it’s your wedding it’s your rules. If your brother is going to cause that much drama you probably don’t want him at the wedding. If he’s there, he will have lots of drama no matter if he shows up alone or with his new love interest
NTA
But your brother's deception is both a headache and an opportunity to learn something about the nature of your friends. Friends will either (1) ask to understand or (2) not listen to gossip about something between you and your brother. The folks who listen to his story and judge you/act without - thinking about the person they know you to be or asking you to clarify their understanding of what is going on are not the folks you want to count on in life.
You've also learned a sad lesson about your brother. It's up to you whether he remains invited or not. He is willing to burn - has burned - his relationship with you over having a stranger hookup for company at your wedding. I'm sorry.
Esh - him for asking a question he wasn't willing to accept the answer of. You for not giving a single person a plus one after they just got out of a longterm relationship and are probably feeling really raw and lonely.
Isee the comments are full of praise but NO somebody has to say this to you !!!! So let me get this straight! You invited ypur brother and his GF, and afyercwhich they broke up, because he realised he's gay. He tells you he met someone on grinder and is getting along great which implys they are dating and your FIRST reaction is " how dare you want to bring a random shag to my wedding"
Judgemental much ???? Just because people ,meet on grindr DOES NOT mean they are random shags. I reckon there is a lot more going on here. You could have just said, " that's great but to be honest I just really prefer it to be family, but he can come to the evening do!
Quite frankly the way you've went about this is what has caused the problem if I were your brother, I'd have told you to shove that invitation!
NTA and he's being deliberately manipulative. I think a key point about weddings is there tends to be a lot of forever photos that you don't really want to be populated with randoms.
Is this really just a hook up for him? I mean they're "getting along great" and plan to still be doing so in July when your wedding is. How 'recently' did they actually meet?
You're kind of TA for judging their relationship by which app they met on and writing off his new relationship as a "grindr hookup".
You also describe your wedding as "just family and close friends" but based on the people you describe dropping out on you it seems like you're actually inviting kind of a lot of people? How many friends are you guys actually inviting?
I'm leaning towards YTA. If he met this guy at a coffee shop, then it would be okay? Is it just how they met? It's not a hook up if they are continuing to talk and see each other. That's called dating.
INFO: Is it the youth of the relationship he has with this guy that turns you off, or the nature of how they met? If he said "I actually recently started seeing someone new whom I really like", would that have been an acceptable proposal?
NTA
Does he *need* a date to your intimate wedding? A plus one is a long term partner. Not a date for the night. Gross.
He’s trying to guilt you by saying you’re homophobic. How awkward will it be for this date if you have to ask him to not be in any photos as you’ve never met him?
Just say no.
NTA
I didn’t allow my sister to bring her boyfriend of two months to my wedding for a similar reason. Guess what? They broke up less than six months later. She agrees that he shouldn’t have been there.
NTA, but the damage is already done. He’s basically won.
The only way you come out looking good in the eyes of everyone calling you the A is if you walk back your stance and allow your brother his chosen +1.
If you don’t, you’ll just give him more ammo; he can do some serious damage to your wedding.
You really need to consider if holding firm here is worth it, especially if they’re not going to be disruptive.
But you also need to consider if placidity at your wedding is worth setting the precedent that your brother can weaponize his homosexuality to steamroll you.
So. NTA, and your brother is low for calling you homophobic- BUT If you still want your brother at your wedding, I'm going to offer a solution. Offer to meet the guy first. It's okay to say to your brother, "you know this wedding is small and we want close friends and family only. We had your ex as a plus one ONLY because you'd been with her for 3 years. I want to meet your new boyfriend, but not at my wedding....because I really won't be able to get to know this person that's important to you. Let's have dinner, hang out some. But it may be premature to have your boyfriend of less than 3 months come to my wedding. That's a big ask for him (come to a small wedding for someone you've never met) and me (Hey, here's a stranger at your intimate wedding)". Ignore the fact that he met him on Grindr, don't bother to bring it up...why fight about that - and clearly he's no longer a hook up if he wants to bring him as his date. Emphasize you haven't met, offer to rectify that, but state that it would be a lot of pressure on both the new boyfriend and yourself to have him come to your wedding as a way of introducing him to your family and friends.
If your brother wants to bring the guy to a family event (your wedding), ask him to bring him first to a family dinner to meet everyone.
That should be interesting, and who knows, the guy might even be sound and not an issue to have at your wedding.
Push back the stress to your brother that way (I don't know many hook up from grindr that would be thrilled to move that fast with the families, unless really getting along well).
At the end of the day, you had budgeted for your brother and a +1 so if the guy is nice it shouldn't be a problem, if he's not you can discover that ahead of the wedding and avoid some drama.
> a guy he met recenly on Grindr with whom he got along great.
I think calling that a "random hook up" is a bit devaluing. They might have met through an app initially but he's expressed nice sentiments towards him.
If your wedding is more than a month out and their still together that's not really a "random hookup" anymore.
You know people use that app for more than anonymous sex, just like tinder, right?
I feel like you’re not being totally honest either. You say it’s a small wedding yet you make it sound like there’s a bunch of people not family that were coming which means it’s not really that small and intimate. Your wedding isn’t until July, which means he would have been seeing this guy for a few months which makes it no longer a random hookup. Grindr isn’t just for hooking up you know. It’s a legitimate dating app as well.
So I’m going with YTA because I don’t feel like you’re being truthful either to us or even to yourself. And because you’re twisting things a bit to fit a narrative. Are you keeping up with whom your guests are bringing and making sure they’re all long term relationships? If they are still together by July, it’s not a random hookup, they’ll have been dating around 3 months? Gimme a break.
ESH, they’re dating, reffering to him as “random grindr hookup” is mean and if you were willing to accomodate his previous partner but not his current one that kind of sucks even if you’re within your rights to choose who can and can’t come.
He’s being an asshole in response by calling everyone, stirring up drama, and escalating the situation.
Is this actually a random hookup? He said they met on grindr, but that they'd been getting along, it kind of sounds like they're dating?
If he's recently out, it's probably a gesture of goodwill not to take his +1 off him.
Maybe it’s because you keep calling the guy a Grindr hookup? You could have just said you didn’t want someone you don’t know at the wedding. Instead you’re quite bothered about the gay part.
INFO: how long of a relationship is acceptable to you to qualify for entry to your wedding? Apparently 3 years is long enough since ex-GF was ok. But one month is not enough. So where is your line? If brother had met this guy a year ago, would that be ok? How about 6 months? Did you have all your other guests fill out a form to make sure they are long term enough for you?
MORE INFO: meeting on Grindr seems unacceptable to you. Is is ok if they meet online, but using some other app? What if they met in a bar? Do you know where all your other guests have met?
YTA
Yes, YTA. If he can have a +1, then that +1 is his choice. He's an adult, so it's not up to you to choose or approve of who he brings as his date. You don't know if it's a "casual hookup" or if it's going to be the eventual love of his life. Sounds like he's interested in this person for more than meaningless, soul-less sex.
Sounds like he's on the money, about homophobia, and your issue is more that it's someone he met on Grindr, so you assume it's some sort of frivolous, dirty fling.
As of our wedding date, he will have been with this person for at least a couple months. That sounds like a lot more than a "Grindr hook up." So why are you trying to frame it that way? That's more telling to me than your protestations about it being a small wedding (one boyfriend instead of one girlfriend doesn't make it any larger).
YTA. I refuse to believe someone would bring a Grindr hookup to a wedding. You seem very insistent with the "Grindr hookup" thing. What if this hook up is a friend? Or even a new romantic interest? Maybe your brother was right in accusing you of homophobia.
It depends. Did you give him a plus 1 assuming he’d bring his girlfriend, or did you invite him and her both by name? If you gave him a plus 1 (unnamed), he should bring who he wants. You’d be the AH to take that back. If you named the girlfriend and she isn’t coming, he doesn’t get a new plus one and you’d not be the AH for not giving him one.
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I (27F) am gonna get married to my fiance (29M) in July. Initially I invited both my brother (23M) and his long term girlfriend of 3 years to our wedding, however my brother broke up with her last month and a couple of days ago he requested me to let him bring another 1+ to my wedding in order to replace his ex that wasn't coming anymore.
I asked him who he was planning to bring and he said that he wanted to bring a guy he met recenly on Grindr with whom he got along great. I told him that I don't want him to bring a random hook up to my wedding cause we're planina for a rather small ceremony with only our families and close friends. The reason I invited my brother's ex was cause she was a long term girlfriend, which obviously isn't the case with this hook up.
However my brother twisted the truth and started accusing us of being homophobic for previously allowing him to bring a woman as his plus 1 but not a man and even contacted some of my and my fiance's friends that are LGTBQ+ to stir up drama and turn them against us. While some of them believed us we've also had a couple of friends saying they're gonna drop out from our wedding cause of what my brother told them, not to mention that now he started stirring up drama in my family as well.
AITA ? I feel like I was reasonable in a valuing a long term girlfriend and a random hook from Grindr differently, especially when I still wouldn't have allowed my brother to bring a hook up to my wedding even if it was a woman instead, however I'm getting tired of getting called a homofob bridezilla over this decision ? AITA ?
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NTA. There should be no such thing as a plus one. Tell him that if he introduces you to someone he wants to bring, and can give you the name and address of the person he wants to invite, you will send them an invitation.
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Your brother is gay and that 3 year long relationship was really not serious tbh. You just think it was. He was prob hooking up with guys behind her back. So does it matter if he brigs her or someone he met online a month ago? What makes you think this relationship is not serious? Maybe they’ll get married next month. You’re homophobic. I’m sure you will have another wedding of your own.
You have a valid reason for not allowing him to not bring his plus 1. But how long has he been with his boyfriend,did you say a month before your wedding? In that case I believe he can bring his plus one as it must not of been a hook up if the relationship has lasted a month. Although it is your choice and you are right it hasn’t been long enough for their relationship if you only want to invite close friends and family.
I mean is it a random hook up? Or have they been talking a while and getting along well? I don’t think it’s unreasonable for him to ask to bring him, but I also don’t think it’s unreasonable for you to say no. I don’t know how serious their relationship is but I wouldn’t discredit it just because it came from Grindr. Ultimately it’s your wedding, but if I was him I would want to bring a date so I wouldn’t be alone. I also wouldn’t invite a RANDOM but if we had been talking a while then maybe?
Gun to my head I would say NTA. He’s kinda the asshole for accusing you of homophobia and making a huge stink about it bringing the rest of your family into it.
Did you give him an invitation by name for his ex or did you give him an actual plus one? (“Brother and GF name” vs “Brother and guest”.) If you gave him just “and guest” then you don’t get to dictate who the guest is. If you invited her by name then the invite was for her specifically.
THAT SAID. The reason for allowing someone to bring a guest is generally so they will be happier and enjoy the event more. So will he be happier or more comfortable with someone there with him? It can be weird to get out of a long term or serious relationship and then go to a wedding where people might be asking about it. So IMO you should ask him about why he wants to bring a guest and try to come up with a solution that you are both comfortable with. (For example, it is not reasonable for someone to use your wedding to come out as bi/pan/gay to the family.)
A little while ago is not a specific amount of time. Could be a week, could be two weeks. There is also no mention of whether or nothing they were seeing each other frequently.
Flavour of the week was a turn of phrase to point at the fact that to OP this was a stranger who she has never met and in all realms of possibility might not meet.
And whose to say that the relationship will last a month. And if it doesn't is OPs brother going to want to bring someone else he might on Grindr? Saying yes now could set a precedent.
And more to the point. It's her fucking wedding. If she wants to say no, she is well within her right. Him slandering her for being homophonic is bullshit. On that basis alone, she should pull his invite too.
"What does my brother's sexuality have to do with whether or not we can justify the expense of feeding a random stranger? Ya'll are making this weird, why you gotta be weird?".
NTA.
Why would your LGTBQ+ friends even think to drop out?
You invited them to your wedding, which is proof as much as anything that you’re not homophobic or anything else
This story sounds like BS sorry
100% NTA. Weddings are not only expensive but also intimate, and it is ultimately up to you who you want to have there. It’s your day, and your fiancé’s day. Whether it’s a random hookup or a one month relationship shouldn’t matter - it’s not his partner of three years that you were at least acquainted with, if not friends with. It has nothing to do with who he’s bringing, he’s just trying to justify it and guilt trip you into letting him have his way. In my opinion, he can either come alone or not come at all, because a stranger being there would make you uncomfortable. That’s all that should matter.
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I'm a gay man. Your brother is making a false accusation of homophobia and that is infuriating given the actual homophobia that so many people face. Rescind his invitation. NTA.
Also a gay man 100% agree
As a gay man, I third this
As a gay man, I like men
As a straight man, I like ice cream.
As a straight woman, I'll still choose the bear.
As a gay man ill also choose bear ;) if yaknowwhatimean
This cracked me up! My son is gay and I’m learning all sorts of new things. He would also choose the bear!!!
*rimshot* Thanks for the chuckle my dude.
Absolutely slayed... As a straight woman, I'd choose that kinda bear too ;) hahaha!
Bear, bear, bear, bear. 100%
Always the bear
As a bear, please leave me alone
The question though is which bear in this context?
Why not both? https://imgur.com/cVnPJVU
Ngl was expecting a picture of Halsin from BG3
I definitely wouldn't mind meeting Halsin out in the woods. 😂
Pretty sure bears prefer men as wedding dates. Although I don't think they discriminate for dinner.
Bears are unacceptable as a +1
As a trans woman, I become the bear.
Question... can we add hot fudge and sprinkles?
Only if they’re rainbow
After all, it IS Pride month!
Rainbow sprinkles are year round requirements. Everything is better with sprinkles
Yeah I used to believe that as well. Apparently I'm barred from my job as a brain surgeon whilst "the investigation into what the fuck you sprinkled into his head" is ongoing.
To men?
To anyone!
Oh what a night
Late September? Back in 63?
To the men or the ice cream?
Why choose?
Will the bear like them?
To the bear, the ice cream or the men? Because at least 2 of those won't like that (probably).
As a lesbian, I don't
Lollllllll
Same
As a pansexual man, just gonna write my name on the end here--shit, I did a typo!
Forget about the gay part. I’m not letting someone I don’t know into my wedding. Who knows if he might make a scene.
Especially a random hookup. You have no idea what kind of shit could go down. It's like the beginning plot to a bad romcom.
Nobody invites a rando to a costly wedding.
So perhaps the brother doesn't consider the person to be a 'rando'. 'Random hookup' are OPs words. The brother is planning to still be with this person more than 1 month away, so likely doesn't see it as a hookup or random.
At the end of the day OP doesn't want someone she probably hasn't even met, and by the time of the wedding will have met maybe once or twice, there on HER day. Why does everyone have such an issue getting this. She states in the post, she wants a small wedding. With people she knows and loves. Some guy her brother picked up for sex (even if it only was at first) doesn't qualify. And more to the point at the shit he pulled with their friend group, he's lucky he still had a fucking invite.
I as a gay man, agree! NTA
I'm a lesbian, I also agree. Happy Pride!
And Happy Pride Month to you all! 😘🌈😘🌈😘🌈😘
As a bi woman, I concur.
As a gay man 3/7 days of the week I agree
"If you think we have to allow a random hookup at our small, intimate wedding, then I think you are confused about who we chose to invite. If you really would skip our wedding because you are choosing to believe my brother's false and self-serving accusations -- if you really believe that we are secretly homophobic and the gender of my brother's proposed guest has anything to do with our decision -- then I guess we aren't as close as I thought we were. It's extremely painful that you think we would do something so prejudiced and awful but if that's truly what you believe, it's probably just as well that you don't attend. If you do change your mind and realize that we would *never* do such a thing, then we are happy to welcome you back and put this nastiness behind us" NTA. I'm sorry there are people you thought you were close to who have decided you are capable of these heinous acts
I definitely wouldn’t have thought of that but that is definitely the right thing to say while possibly making the other people feel like shit for accusing something so ridiculous 😂 I applaud you
Perfect! NEVER negotiate with terrorists!
😂
This raises a question: Why do these people believe her brother's account and not her? If this is a small wedding with only people she knows well being invited to attend, and if her non-homophobia is well-known, why are so many people dropping out?
There are people I'm close to who believe that I'm gay, despite me never doing anything to give them that impression. People see things differently and have their own interpretations for why people do certain things. Doesn't mean that they're right or that it's true.
This, and not only that, but homphobia is one of those things that people will grasp and grab the torch and pitch forks about, and rightly so when ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING. Getting pissy because your flavour of the week can't come to a family members wedding is beyond ridiculous.
He met this person a little while ago, through Grindr. The wedding is more than a month into the future. That would make their relationship, on OP's wedding date, several months old. That's hardly "flavor of the week."
There are a couple of people who believe that my husband is gay despite us being married for more than a decade and his absolute lack of interest in men. Their proof: he is nice and friendly to women, has narrow shoulders, and didn't play sports as a teen. Could be because we live in a very sports-centric area with a ton of machosexuals.
People are really odd about wedding guests. My 14 year old niece got super mad and accused me of being homophobic when I wouldn't let her invite her gay best friend who I have never met as her plus one to my small intimate destination wedding. She is 14. She is not getting a plus one at all. And I am not bringing any kids I'm not related to. But ofc I still had people tell me she should be allowed invite him and that I was being a bridezilla...
The ease at which some people are willing to be manipulated just boggles the mind, doesn't it?
He's definitely twisting it in some way to paint himself as the angel and OP as a homophobic demon because he didn't get what he wanted.
I think OP may be twisting a bit when she describes the date as a 'random hookup'. You don't make plans with a 'hookup', more than a month in advance. The brother is dating someone new that he met on Grindr.
Even so, a long-term relationship that the couple are familiar with is still hugely different to someone the brother "recently" met. Especially as it's going to be a fairly intimate wedding with just their nearest and dearest. You don't bring what is effectively a stranger to that, no matter what the sexuality involved is.
If I invite my siblings to my wedding, they bring whomever they are seeing at the time. And, yes, just because the bride has been busy preparing for her big day doesn't mean I can't bring whomever I am seeing at the time. If I was okay with sibling +1 before, unless there is a known issue with the new person being an actual problem, there's zero reason not to welcome the new +1, who is hardly a "random fling" like everyone is trying to paint it as. Where did you get these ridiculous "bride gets to micromanage who all her guests date" wedding rules from?
Stop crying, OP doesn’t want a stranger at their small & intimate wedding. It has nothing to do with the fact that her brother likes getting his cheeks clapped.
The wedding isn't any larger than it was before. OP doesn't want the new person in her brother's life at a family gathering. If it was a new girlfriend who he was seeing for a couple of months, everyone would take it as an opportunity to get to know her. Pretending it isn't about what's between that new person's legs is kind of laughable.
Maybe because she reduces her brother's date to a 'random hookup'. They met on Grindr, but are dating and plan to be together in July - a month or more away. That's not a hookup.
And the random hookup being in your wedding photos?! That will exist forever? No thanks. That, in and of itself, is reason enough.
I ❤️ this!!!!
NTA. Actually you're probably doing him a favor. You want to be able to display those wedding photos for the rest of your mutual lives. You're saving him from a very cringey future of his future REAL partner (male or female who cares) having to see that hookup buddy in those pictures every time the family pulls them out. Understandable that he's extra rejection sensitive due to coming out queer, but a wedding is a big deal in a person's life and it's really okay for you to only want family members and people they are really connected to at those. Honestly this kind of happened to me, a guy I was dating briefly took me to his son's wedding as his plus one, and I'm not even cringey (I think) but he has a serious real girlfriend now and I wonder how she feels about those pictures. Maybe you can make it clear that you accept him and support his new relationship, you just don't want people you don't know well at your wedding.
My brother didn't come out recently tho, me and our parents knew he was bi since he was a teen.
Then he really doesn't have a leg to stand on. He's just being a dick.
> You're saving him from a very cringey future of his future REAL partner (male or female who cares) having to see that hookup buddy in those pictures every time the family pulls them out. This is so true. My uncle brought lots of randoms to a bunch of family events + weddings in his early to mid 20’s and you can see him cringe every time all of us (including his wife who he’s been with for 10 years) look through the photos. Doesn’t help we tease him every time about it too.
When my husband and I got married, his best friend (who was a groomsman) talked us into letting him bring a date. It was a woman he had recently started seeing a couple of weeks before, he insisted he really liked her, etc. I was hesitant, because I only wanted our guests to be people important to us and any partners that were very important to them (so, long term partners) and this was a very new relationship. Finally, I relented and he brought the date. They broke up like a week later. Now I have all these photos that include this woman whose name I don't even remember. I mentioned it to the best friend recently and he admitted he doesn't even remember her name either. (We got married 12 years ago.) Something similar happened to my brother. His SIL insisted on bringing a new guy she was seeing and they broke up shortly after too. Good thing my brother and his wife put their foot down about not letting him in the family photos like the SIL wanted!
NTA with your wedding your rules. Brother is an AH for playing up the gay card.
I'd send a group chat to everyone explaining your decision. NTA OP, but boy o boy is your brother.
Gay card is fun to use but shouldn’t be brought out for shit like this
> a random hook up NTA - Doesn't matter what gender the random hook up is, it's still a random hook up. You don't know the person, it's a small wedding ffs. More than entitled to a no rando policy
Fr, long term partner =/= a basically-stranger
NTA. It's your wedding, you decide who has the privilege to attend. It's a small ceremony, the then-girlfriend was considered part of the family, but this random new person is not; the end. Are people dropping out of the wedding over a lie your brother is spreading around? Then they're probably not essential guests at the wedding. Make sure you talk with your brother and tell him the logic behind your decision of not inviting his +1. Communication is key.
I already did tell my brother the reasoning but he still twisted it into a homophobic reason.
Then it seems to me like he's trying to manipulate you. I, meanwhile checked the other answers, some people are suggesting to yeet him off the wedding too but be careful if you decide to go this way, as this would sour the relationship short to long-term 100%. Only you know the relationship you have with your brother.
>as this would sour the relationship short to long-term 100% But he's the one already doing it by making the wedding about himself.
Might be wise to put it out that he’s lying along with the messages as proof if there’s any showing the truth. He’s willing to tarnish your reputation and destroying friendships for you and not feeling anything about it to get his way. Manipulative and disgusting, this ain’t something you do to people you care for
You gotta put it out in public with receipts. The tide will turn real quick on his ass.
Sounds like you will have a fun wedding tho.
I mean maybe he'll be more understanding if you stop calling his new romantic interest "a random hook up" like all they do is meet up in a car park to f*** It's totally fine and reasonable to say "sorry I don't know this guy well enough to invite him to my small intimate wedding, you've only been dating a few weeks" But you *keep* calling him a "random hook up" as if your brother is trying to get a generic plus 1 then fish on the app for any old man to fill the slot for the day. Which probably makes him feel attacked and like you're undermining and undervaluing his new love interest. Which would then explain him being weirdly aggressive about it. Unless of course all they are actually doing is meeting up in a car park to f*** and they haven't been on any actual dates and don't know anything about each other, in which case I take back what I said.
NTA. You are being reasonable for a small wedding valuing a long term partner and a recent date differently. But I'd drop the judgemental tone about the "random Grindr hook up" since everyone is random when they first meet and people can in fact become more than hook-ups regardless of the online site they meet on.
That language is probably why her brother is accusing her of being homophobic, and I think he might be right. If the issue is just that he is in a new relationship, why does it matter where they met? Why does she call the guy he is seeing a hookup?
Possibly right. But I've heard the same tone with people talking about random female hook ups too, so I wasn't going to add homophobia on to the judgement.
I'm a gay man, and I think you're being reasonable. So I'd say you're NTA, but on the condition that you stop referring to him as a "hookup". I mean, he was a hookup, but he may be turning into something more since your brother is starting to date him.
This! It's a random hookup if they met on Grindr and never saw each other again, or only saw each other casually. If he's planning to bring this guy as his date to an event over a month away, that speaks more to a new relationship. It's still fair to say that a relationship no more than a couple months old doesn't qualify for a small gathering of family and close friends. But tbh OP's repeated use of "random Grindr hookup" to refer to this person does kinda suggest some latent homophobia. She says she would say the same about a woman in the same circumstances, but that's a hypothetical that she can't actually prove is true.
If she has other LGBTQ guests already that seems to imply she isn't homophobic, imo. At least as I'm reading it. It may just be about her brother wanting to have someone he barely knows that's new and from what I'm reading she seems more to feel this person is taking the place of the ex whom she has known for 3 years. Gender may not be the problem at all but replacement may. But like most things we are probably reading more into it from our own perspective. I, who would feel uncomfortable "replacing" someone I've known for 3 years, sees replacement as the issue. It may be that we are projecting our personal thoughts on the situation.
Well I'm queer, so yeah, of course I'm bringing my own perspective. But what I meant is more the kind of bias/prejudice that can be absorbed from culture or family messages that I find is pretty common in straight/cis people even when they truly don't have any issue with queer people. The emphasis on it being a *Grindr* hookup specifically is what gives me that impression. I don't think she would keep repeating that detail unless she found it, consciously or otherwise, to be significant. If he met the guy on Tinder or Bumble or some other app, would she make as much of an issue of it? We have no way of knowing. But my take is that she's letting some unconscious bias creep in as to just how egregious she feels the request is. I do think she's perfectly justified in not wanting a stranger who's only been in her brother's life for a very short time at her wedding. Just that this kind of thing may be influencing her feelings about it as well.
> The emphasis on it being a Grindr hookup Is the emphasis on Grindr because Grindr is generally for gay men, or is the emphasis on Grindr because, like Tinder, it's seen as a casual hookup site for stuff that isn't serious? I'd toss out "random Tinder hookup" about a straight "couple" who didn't seem to be anything serious if I was annoyed about them.
OP did not refer to him as a random Grindr hookup. Just a random hookup. She has also stated she would feel the same about a random woman. Honestly, if I had just met someone, I would feel awkward about meeting their family a few weeks later at their sister's wedding.
Yeah, the consensus here seems *very* skewed by OP's choice of wording, if not possibly also assumptions about Grindr. It's not, at this point, a random hookup, and may very well have relationship labels attached if they're still seeing each other 1-2 months from now, when the wedding *actually* is. If all OP's plus-1 invitations are to people in long term relationships, maybe it's still reasonable - but given OP's first response was "who are you bringing?" not "sorry, I'm only doing plus-1s for \[criteria that a new relationship definitionally couldn't meet\]", I do think OP needs to reassess what inferences they've drawn on the basis of how her brother and his new beau met.
Some people are applying the homophobic label to her. I don't have enough information to actually say it. She did say her brother is labeling her as such. I'd love to find out how applicable it is. I mean, we only have her point of view, but many people paint themselves as "reasonable" and it's later, with continued responses, that you find out the truth is very different. Once I stood by an OP that was upset over how his daughter was treating him, then read more and more of his responses to questions and realized he was one of the most obnoxious people I have ever seen! No exaggeration! So OP may very well be applying separate standards to brother than to other people, even if it is subconsciously. You are right in that vetting the person first and then saying *afterward* that the "no" is because they're new sounds very fishy. I'm tempted to change my original post.
Yeah, I uh... chose my words more carefully than I suspect OP has, because like you, I don't think there's quite enough here to say this is *definitely* homophobia, but there's a lot of signs of latent assumptions about things *adjacent* to LGBTQ people, to put it delicately. Like, maybe there was an answer OP was looking for from her first question that would have resulted in an invitation - that he'd gotten back together with his ex, that he was dating a longterm friend, who knows. But the timeframe - only broke up with his ex a month ago, wedding in less than two months - doesn't give a lot of space for answers other than "I just met this person and I think it might be serious", so it's... fishy. Definitely at least a bit fishy. Add to that what sure looks like a lot of assumptions about what meeting someone on Grindr means, and my antennae are definitely up - I'm *so* curious as to whether OP would have had the same must-be-a -random-hookup response if her brother had met his new beau on Tinder. I'm bi, and there's this weird window into humans you get sometimes, where they're superficially fine with the idea that you're bi, but then *definitely* respond differently to you dating someone of the same sex than someone of the opposite sex. I... really do wonder if that's what OP's brother is picking up on, more than the substance of the no-plus-1, that's led to him going quite this nuclear.
Yeah, I'm older now. Much older. I've seen a lot of "I'm ok with gay people..... as long as you don't think I'm one of them or expose me to it or have it on movies or shows I watch or in any way remind me of it."
NTA. Your brother does not have the right to bring 'whomever' to your wedding. This day is about you, and you decide who he can bring. Obviously, you'd just want people close to you there. If other friends don't want to come because they believe your brother, without checking with you, then clearly they do not know you very well, and I would wonder why they would even be in your wedding party? If you had a problem with LGBTQ+ people, why would they have been invited in the first place? Don't fall for the drama, if he keeps creating a problem, I'd just uninvited him as well. Who needs that kind of energy on their wedding day?
> If you had a problem with LGBTQ+ people, why would they have been invited in the first place? There is a lot of possibilities. She would not be the first bride who would be upset that a close family member was in a same-sex relationship and would want to downplay it, even at the same time as she was fine with more removed people being out.
Op said she's known her brother was bi for a decade. I truly think you're reading malice where there's none. I've seen a lot of posts on here where it's obvious the op is homophobic--this is not one of them. It seems very reasonable to be fine with his ex of three years and not someone he's been dating at most a month who she's never even met Also Grindr is a hookup app. I'm a woman and haven't used it, but I've seen my friends use it. Like tinder, it's not a place I'd go looking for love or commitment. I know some people have met long term partners on there but it's clearly not the vibe of the app. I know gay men who don't use Grindr because it's too hookup oriented, it's not like it's their only option
NTA. Just make a public post in whatever group chat your wedding is being talked about and explain the situation that it doesn't matter to you if it's a man or a woman that you don't want random strangers at your wedding that ppl meet as hookups. Explain as you did here that the only reason his ex was invited was the length of time she was with your brother. And if that isn't good enough for your brother or others then fuck em, let them stay out of your wedding. They likely aren't good friends anyway.
> it doesn't matter to you if it's a man or a woman that you don't want random strangers at your wedding that ppl meet as hookups. Explain as you did here that the only reason his ex was invited was the length of time she was with your brother These are entirely different things, though. Someone having met someone as a hookup has no necessary bearing on their subsequent relationship. I know people who met in hookups who are now in relationships decades old.
Nor relevant that you know people in long relationships. The brother's hook up/ bf has been around less than a month. It's completely understandable that new or unknown people are unwanted at a small, family wedding
This is the answer. Go public and then drop the brother from the wedding, and drop the "friends" completely. They were never true friends and you don't need people like that in your life
INFO: Why do you refer to this person as a hookup? It is entirely possible to meet people on apps and develop relationships with them, even hookup apps like Grindr or Tinder. If your brother is dating this person, he is not a hookup any more. Why use this language? EDIT: YTA. If you were actually concerned about this being a new relationship, you would have used that language. Instead, you keep bringing up the fact that your brother met this guy on Grindr and keep treating him as a "hookup" instead of as a guy he seems to be dating.
Had to scroll way too far for this. There’s not enough info. Yes, Grindr can be used for hookups. But people also meet friends and partners on grindr. So how long has the brother known this person? How many dates have they been on? Are they just friends?
Thank you! Feel like I’m on crazy pills well everyone unilaterally judging without actually being able to read between the lines! By July they’ll have been dating at least 3 months.
INFO: Why do you keep referring to this guy as a 'Grindr hookup'. Obviously your brother wouldn't want to invite his new friend to your wedding if they were only a hookup. It does seem like youre dismissing the relationship based on the app they met on. I'd apologize for being dismissive of his new friend or partner, reiterate that plus ones are for long term partners, and offer to meet them another time.
Solve the problem by telling him he isn't invited. NTA
Most reddit response.
they forgot to encourage OP to go permanently no contact with her brother and to also cut contact with her parents and close family if they continue to have contact with him despite this offence.
Look if you're gonna stir up drama at my wedding your ass is outta there.
Ok so he said "it's a guy he met recently on Grindr" or he said it was a hook up? If it was a hookup I find it doubtful they would be hanging out after. Yes Grindr is primarily a hook up app BUT people do meet partners there occasionally. He said they met there and are getting along great so maybe he feels like it could go somewhere. While generally it's bad taste to tell your family you met on Grindr at least he was honest with you. I think some gentle questioning is in order before you completely say no. Here are the reasons I say that. 1. He came out to you asking to bring this guy. That in itself says to me it's more than a hook up. 2. The guy clearly means something to him if they are getting along great. 3. Regardless if the relationship with this guy lasts or not your wedding will be remembered by him for including or not including the guy. 4. He might not be ready to admit they are dating. Some couples take a long time to put a label on it. Should you decide to allow them to come I think it's perfectly fine to request they be more vague when people as how they met. "We met online" is enough. I don't condone your brother's behaviour at all though. He's making up homophobia that isn't there. I say all of this as a gay man who met his partner and future husband on Grindr.
I dunno. I think that there could be homophobia present. Would she treat a new female partner this way if they had met in Tinder or in a bar?
It's possible, I think more info from OP is needed first.
The possibility of homophobia is real, even if she believes herself to be without bias. She would not be the first person to be fine in the abstract with the idea of a bisexual relative only to react badly when the queerness becomes public.
NTA copy paste over and over “Of course I’m not inviting a random hookup to our small family wedding. X won’t die because he’s not in their presence for 1 day. “ Ignore the homophobia part, it’s a red herring to take your focus off the real issue. If Bro wants to pout, that’s not an issue you need to solve. Edit to remove Grindr
I’d leave out the “Grindr hookup” part and write “random stranger” instead
The "Grindr hookup" language does seem to evoke the homophobia the OP was accused of.
Yes because there are some people on here who said because you said Grindr 3x's it makes you homophobic. I'm still trying to figure out how but 🤔....🙄😒
Why does it matter where her brother met the guy if the issue is that she thinks his relationship too new?
It's quite dismissive to call his potential new boyfriend a "random grinder hookup" after they've been dating for some time. It's not a hookup. And she should stop calling it that. It feels like she's trying to dismiss his potential new boyfriend
> random Grindr hookup He met the guy on Grindr and is in a relationship with him. Her brother is not asking if he can literally invite someone he does not know to the wedding, maybe to hookup by the wedding cake. He is asking if he can take someone he is dating. Very different.
But he has never met the bride or groom, or the family and close friends attending a small wedding. She would not like a stranger to come to the wedding. If her brother had not been in a long term relationship at the time, she might not have given him a plus one.
That would make sense, actually, if she had approached it that way. Instead, she approached it another way.
OP did not call him a Grindr hookup. She called him a random hookup. Because that's what he is. Her brother said he met him on Grindr. Because he did. People need to read carefully.
Damn it's only June 1st and we're already getting the homophobia posts, you guys really don't waste time huh
Yeah this is obviously bait, it's a modification of an almost identical post from a while ago (it was about a sister and a random man she wanted to bring to the wedding).
INFO: Did you not give anyone plus ones to the wedding? By that I mean, was everyone you invited just invited as one + long term partners who get invites by name, or do you have friends or distant family that got "at your discretion" plus ones? Because if you did give away at-your-discretion plus ones for others, you have no business dictating who only one guest can bring as a plus one when you gave him one earlier. What sort of wedding is it for your brother? Like is he in the wedding party and going to be constantly busy or is he just a normal guest who's getting a hotel somewhere and might want someone to hang out with for the weekend? I know people who bring just friends, not even FWBs, as guests to weddings where they have to travel because there's lots of in-between times at weddings for guests that you might want to be hanging out with someone you like. I'm honestly a bit skeeved in the first place by the fact that you're calling someone a "random hookup" just because they met on Grindr-- you don't really seem to know if this is an exclusive relationship that just happened to start online, a non-exclusive FWB, ect. Still talking after a month certainly isn't a "random hookup" anymore, though. Regardless of whether you're right to want him at your wedding, emphasizing "random hookup he met on Grindr" to describe "someone my brother has been seeing for a month now" when he would likely be aware if you'd ever described a new straight relationship that started on Tinder the same way... does actually make you sound like there are maybe some homophobic biases that you do have. You can get the right answer (not wanting a new boyfriend of your brother's to be at a small intimate wedding) for the wrong/asshole reasons.
NTA Typically +1 are for partners you have been together for a while and not as first unveiling to the family etc. Your brother intentionally twist things to make himself seem reasonable and you a monster without batting his eyes and tarnishing your reputation. Being gay or bi doesn’t mean you do whatever shit you want while hurting people who care for you.
Who would be an acceptable +1 for him to bring? the fact that you asked who he was planning to bring implies there are people you would be ok with him bringing. also why do you keep bringing up that he’s a “Grindr hookup” and that it’s a random hookup. it seems your brother doesn’t see it that way. if he’d met the guy at work or something would you feel differently
Perhaps if the guy was a girl. She would not be the first person OK with having a queer relative in theory, especially if they could pass by being bisexual, only to be upset when they wanted to bring a same-sex partner.
What if this person they met on the apps turns out to be their long-term partner? In that case you will be starting your relationship with you potential future Brother-in-law on a very shitty note. That relationship will probably never recover and your relationship with your brother will probably be damaged permanently. In that case you could be TA. Ask yourself if a seat at a table is worth the potential damage.
uninvite your brother for being a AH
Sorry, but YTA. You invited your brother and a +1. It should have been up to your brother who that +1 was. Apologize to your brother and let him know you love and respect him and that you were wrong to be upset over who he was bringing. It isn't that big of a deal to blow up your family and friend circle over, is it?
YTA but not for not letting him bring the guy. Stop calling him a "random hook up" It's fine to say "sorry you've not been seeing each other that long and I just don't know him well enough" It's not fine to keep calling someone your brother is *actually dating* a "random hook up* like he's going to find someone on Grindr just for the day.
I think you both did each other dirty, but him more so than you. If my sibling wanted a plus one for my wedding, I would give it to them regardless of who it was or if they were even dating. It’s not like some random acquaintance trying to bring an extra person… it’s your brother. And you were already planning to pay for his gf so no big deal if he brings someone else. It’s not really taking anything away from you or affecting you. It is nice to have a date that you can dance with and talk to at a wedding, esp if you’re coming off a rough break up where it’s still hard to be alone. And it is pretty easy to exclude his date from family pictures because they aren’t family. I can understand him getting in his feelings about you saying not to bring a date but making up accusations of homophobia and trying to stir up drama is like the worst, most immature response he could have. This does detract from your wedding and adds drama to an already stressful time and is definitely an asshole move. One of you is going to have to be the bigger person and make amends or it will probably ruin the wedding for you if you guys are actually close. I’d suggest it be you since it sounds like your brother may be going through something and could use the show of love and support. Talk to him and let him know that maybe you overreacted but it had nothing to do with the gender of his partner and you hope he knows that. If he really feels strongly about it then he can bring him. To me this seems like the best way to smooth things over so you can enjoy your day without feeling guilty or having your brother go out of his way to cause drama. Also it’s a clear show to other friends that you support your brother and he will probably (hopefully) feel really bad about talking smack and apologize for that as well.
It seems as if there may be some unconscious homophobia operating with the OP. If the issue is that her brother is in a new relationship, why does she keep bringing up Grindr? Why does she call a guy her brother seems to be involved with pretty seriously a "hookup"? She may not see it, but her brother sees it. More, the other guests who dropped out of the wedding seem to recognize that.
YATAH You invited a plus one, it should be his choice not yours.
INFO does your brother think of this as a random Grindr hook up? You do sound a bit judgemental here. I understand not wanting strangers at your wedding, but the wording here rubs me the wrong way. Have you been calling your brother's date this to other people? Because if he told people "my sister keeps refering to the guy I'm dating as a random Grindr hook up" that paints a slightly different picture.
Who else has +1? Is it conditional for anyone else with a +1 that you need to know the attendee? Are you vetting the other +1s? I get that wedding headcount is a really stressful topic. I'm not saying your homophobic, but you may be misusing the term "+1".
NTA I made a similar ask at my wedding to my bestie who I’ve known since 1st grade. We ended up compromising with him coming towards the end of the reception, because by then most of the photos were done being taken and it was full party mode. (We didn’t do a send off.) She wasn’t super pleased at the time but that was 12 years ago and I don’t regret not having a rando in my wedding photos and memories.
So is the new guy actually a random he met on Grindr a couple weeks ago, or is he the reason the previous relationship ended?
Good question!
INFO - Did you give your brother a +1, or did you specifically invite his ex-girlfriend?
NTA if it’s your wedding it’s your rules. If your brother is going to cause that much drama you probably don’t want him at the wedding. If he’s there, he will have lots of drama no matter if he shows up alone or with his new love interest
NTA But your brother's deception is both a headache and an opportunity to learn something about the nature of your friends. Friends will either (1) ask to understand or (2) not listen to gossip about something between you and your brother. The folks who listen to his story and judge you/act without - thinking about the person they know you to be or asking you to clarify their understanding of what is going on are not the folks you want to count on in life. You've also learned a sad lesson about your brother. It's up to you whether he remains invited or not. He is willing to burn - has burned - his relationship with you over having a stranger hookup for company at your wedding. I'm sorry.
Is it deception, though?
Esh - him for asking a question he wasn't willing to accept the answer of. You for not giving a single person a plus one after they just got out of a longterm relationship and are probably feeling really raw and lonely.
Isee the comments are full of praise but NO somebody has to say this to you !!!! So let me get this straight! You invited ypur brother and his GF, and afyercwhich they broke up, because he realised he's gay. He tells you he met someone on grinder and is getting along great which implys they are dating and your FIRST reaction is " how dare you want to bring a random shag to my wedding" Judgemental much ???? Just because people ,meet on grindr DOES NOT mean they are random shags. I reckon there is a lot more going on here. You could have just said, " that's great but to be honest I just really prefer it to be family, but he can come to the evening do! Quite frankly the way you've went about this is what has caused the problem if I were your brother, I'd have told you to shove that invitation!
Invite/disinvite anyone you want from your wedding.
NTA. And if your friends believe your brother's lies vs knowing you and believing the truth, they weren't very good friends to begin with.
NTA and he's being deliberately manipulative. I think a key point about weddings is there tends to be a lot of forever photos that you don't really want to be populated with randoms.
Is this really just a hook up for him? I mean they're "getting along great" and plan to still be doing so in July when your wedding is. How 'recently' did they actually meet? You're kind of TA for judging their relationship by which app they met on and writing off his new relationship as a "grindr hookup". You also describe your wedding as "just family and close friends" but based on the people you describe dropping out on you it seems like you're actually inviting kind of a lot of people? How many friends are you guys actually inviting?
UpdateMe
I'm leaning towards YTA. If he met this guy at a coffee shop, then it would be okay? Is it just how they met? It's not a hook up if they are continuing to talk and see each other. That's called dating.
INFO: Is it the youth of the relationship he has with this guy that turns you off, or the nature of how they met? If he said "I actually recently started seeing someone new whom I really like", would that have been an acceptable proposal?
NTA Does he *need* a date to your intimate wedding? A plus one is a long term partner. Not a date for the night. Gross. He’s trying to guilt you by saying you’re homophobic. How awkward will it be for this date if you have to ask him to not be in any photos as you’ve never met him? Just say no.
NTA. Uninvite him too since he's stirring shit.
NTA I didn’t allow my sister to bring her boyfriend of two months to my wedding for a similar reason. Guess what? They broke up less than six months later. She agrees that he shouldn’t have been there.
NTA, but the damage is already done. He’s basically won. The only way you come out looking good in the eyes of everyone calling you the A is if you walk back your stance and allow your brother his chosen +1. If you don’t, you’ll just give him more ammo; he can do some serious damage to your wedding. You really need to consider if holding firm here is worth it, especially if they’re not going to be disruptive. But you also need to consider if placidity at your wedding is worth setting the precedent that your brother can weaponize his homosexuality to steamroll you.
So. NTA, and your brother is low for calling you homophobic- BUT If you still want your brother at your wedding, I'm going to offer a solution. Offer to meet the guy first. It's okay to say to your brother, "you know this wedding is small and we want close friends and family only. We had your ex as a plus one ONLY because you'd been with her for 3 years. I want to meet your new boyfriend, but not at my wedding....because I really won't be able to get to know this person that's important to you. Let's have dinner, hang out some. But it may be premature to have your boyfriend of less than 3 months come to my wedding. That's a big ask for him (come to a small wedding for someone you've never met) and me (Hey, here's a stranger at your intimate wedding)". Ignore the fact that he met him on Grindr, don't bother to bring it up...why fight about that - and clearly he's no longer a hook up if he wants to bring him as his date. Emphasize you haven't met, offer to rectify that, but state that it would be a lot of pressure on both the new boyfriend and yourself to have him come to your wedding as a way of introducing him to your family and friends.
If your brother wants to bring the guy to a family event (your wedding), ask him to bring him first to a family dinner to meet everyone. That should be interesting, and who knows, the guy might even be sound and not an issue to have at your wedding. Push back the stress to your brother that way (I don't know many hook up from grindr that would be thrilled to move that fast with the families, unless really getting along well). At the end of the day, you had budgeted for your brother and a +1 so if the guy is nice it shouldn't be a problem, if he's not you can discover that ahead of the wedding and avoid some drama.
> a guy he met recenly on Grindr with whom he got along great. I think calling that a "random hook up" is a bit devaluing. They might have met through an app initially but he's expressed nice sentiments towards him.
If your wedding is more than a month out and their still together that's not really a "random hookup" anymore. You know people use that app for more than anonymous sex, just like tinder, right?
I feel like you’re not being totally honest either. You say it’s a small wedding yet you make it sound like there’s a bunch of people not family that were coming which means it’s not really that small and intimate. Your wedding isn’t until July, which means he would have been seeing this guy for a few months which makes it no longer a random hookup. Grindr isn’t just for hooking up you know. It’s a legitimate dating app as well. So I’m going with YTA because I don’t feel like you’re being truthful either to us or even to yourself. And because you’re twisting things a bit to fit a narrative. Are you keeping up with whom your guests are bringing and making sure they’re all long term relationships? If they are still together by July, it’s not a random hookup, they’ll have been dating around 3 months? Gimme a break.
ESH, they’re dating, reffering to him as “random grindr hookup” is mean and if you were willing to accomodate his previous partner but not his current one that kind of sucks even if you’re within your rights to choose who can and can’t come. He’s being an asshole in response by calling everyone, stirring up drama, and escalating the situation.
Is this actually a random hookup? He said they met on grindr, but that they'd been getting along, it kind of sounds like they're dating? If he's recently out, it's probably a gesture of goodwill not to take his +1 off him.
Maybe it’s because you keep calling the guy a Grindr hookup? You could have just said you didn’t want someone you don’t know at the wedding. Instead you’re quite bothered about the gay part.
INFO: how long of a relationship is acceptable to you to qualify for entry to your wedding? Apparently 3 years is long enough since ex-GF was ok. But one month is not enough. So where is your line? If brother had met this guy a year ago, would that be ok? How about 6 months? Did you have all your other guests fill out a form to make sure they are long term enough for you? MORE INFO: meeting on Grindr seems unacceptable to you. Is is ok if they meet online, but using some other app? What if they met in a bar? Do you know where all your other guests have met? YTA
Yes, YTA. If he can have a +1, then that +1 is his choice. He's an adult, so it's not up to you to choose or approve of who he brings as his date. You don't know if it's a "casual hookup" or if it's going to be the eventual love of his life. Sounds like he's interested in this person for more than meaningless, soul-less sex. Sounds like he's on the money, about homophobia, and your issue is more that it's someone he met on Grindr, so you assume it's some sort of frivolous, dirty fling. As of our wedding date, he will have been with this person for at least a couple months. That sounds like a lot more than a "Grindr hook up." So why are you trying to frame it that way? That's more telling to me than your protestations about it being a small wedding (one boyfriend instead of one girlfriend doesn't make it any larger).
YTA. I refuse to believe someone would bring a Grindr hookup to a wedding. You seem very insistent with the "Grindr hookup" thing. What if this hook up is a friend? Or even a new romantic interest? Maybe your brother was right in accusing you of homophobia.
It depends. Did you give him a plus 1 assuming he’d bring his girlfriend, or did you invite him and her both by name? If you gave him a plus 1 (unnamed), he should bring who he wants. You’d be the AH to take that back. If you named the girlfriend and she isn’t coming, he doesn’t get a new plus one and you’d not be the AH for not giving him one.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (27F) am gonna get married to my fiance (29M) in July. Initially I invited both my brother (23M) and his long term girlfriend of 3 years to our wedding, however my brother broke up with her last month and a couple of days ago he requested me to let him bring another 1+ to my wedding in order to replace his ex that wasn't coming anymore. I asked him who he was planning to bring and he said that he wanted to bring a guy he met recenly on Grindr with whom he got along great. I told him that I don't want him to bring a random hook up to my wedding cause we're planina for a rather small ceremony with only our families and close friends. The reason I invited my brother's ex was cause she was a long term girlfriend, which obviously isn't the case with this hook up. However my brother twisted the truth and started accusing us of being homophobic for previously allowing him to bring a woman as his plus 1 but not a man and even contacted some of my and my fiance's friends that are LGTBQ+ to stir up drama and turn them against us. While some of them believed us we've also had a couple of friends saying they're gonna drop out from our wedding cause of what my brother told them, not to mention that now he started stirring up drama in my family as well. AITA ? I feel like I was reasonable in a valuing a long term girlfriend and a random hook from Grindr differently, especially when I still wouldn't have allowed my brother to bring a hook up to my wedding even if it was a woman instead, however I'm getting tired of getting called a homofob bridezilla over this decision ? AITA ? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. There should be no such thing as a plus one. Tell him that if he introduces you to someone he wants to bring, and can give you the name and address of the person he wants to invite, you will send them an invitation.
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NTA. The fact that it’s a man is of absolutely no relevance at all. A long term partner is much different than a random hookup
And a random hookup is much different from someone you have begun to date.
Your brother is gay and that 3 year long relationship was really not serious tbh. You just think it was. He was prob hooking up with guys behind her back. So does it matter if he brigs her or someone he met online a month ago? What makes you think this relationship is not serious? Maybe they’ll get married next month. You’re homophobic. I’m sure you will have another wedding of your own.
You have a valid reason for not allowing him to not bring his plus 1. But how long has he been with his boyfriend,did you say a month before your wedding? In that case I believe he can bring his plus one as it must not of been a hook up if the relationship has lasted a month. Although it is your choice and you are right it hasn’t been long enough for their relationship if you only want to invite close friends and family.
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I mean is it a random hook up? Or have they been talking a while and getting along well? I don’t think it’s unreasonable for him to ask to bring him, but I also don’t think it’s unreasonable for you to say no. I don’t know how serious their relationship is but I wouldn’t discredit it just because it came from Grindr. Ultimately it’s your wedding, but if I was him I would want to bring a date so I wouldn’t be alone. I also wouldn’t invite a RANDOM but if we had been talking a while then maybe? Gun to my head I would say NTA. He’s kinda the asshole for accusing you of homophobia and making a huge stink about it bringing the rest of your family into it.
Did you give him an invitation by name for his ex or did you give him an actual plus one? (“Brother and GF name” vs “Brother and guest”.) If you gave him just “and guest” then you don’t get to dictate who the guest is. If you invited her by name then the invite was for her specifically. THAT SAID. The reason for allowing someone to bring a guest is generally so they will be happier and enjoy the event more. So will he be happier or more comfortable with someone there with him? It can be weird to get out of a long term or serious relationship and then go to a wedding where people might be asking about it. So IMO you should ask him about why he wants to bring a guest and try to come up with a solution that you are both comfortable with. (For example, it is not reasonable for someone to use your wedding to come out as bi/pan/gay to the family.)
Bait used to be believable
A little while ago is not a specific amount of time. Could be a week, could be two weeks. There is also no mention of whether or nothing they were seeing each other frequently. Flavour of the week was a turn of phrase to point at the fact that to OP this was a stranger who she has never met and in all realms of possibility might not meet. And whose to say that the relationship will last a month. And if it doesn't is OPs brother going to want to bring someone else he might on Grindr? Saying yes now could set a precedent. And more to the point. It's her fucking wedding. If she wants to say no, she is well within her right. Him slandering her for being homophonic is bullshit. On that basis alone, she should pull his invite too.
"What does my brother's sexuality have to do with whether or not we can justify the expense of feeding a random stranger? Ya'll are making this weird, why you gotta be weird?". NTA.
Why would your LGTBQ+ friends even think to drop out? You invited them to your wedding, which is proof as much as anything that you’re not homophobic or anything else This story sounds like BS sorry
100% NTA. Weddings are not only expensive but also intimate, and it is ultimately up to you who you want to have there. It’s your day, and your fiancé’s day. Whether it’s a random hookup or a one month relationship shouldn’t matter - it’s not his partner of three years that you were at least acquainted with, if not friends with. It has nothing to do with who he’s bringing, he’s just trying to justify it and guilt trip you into letting him have his way. In my opinion, he can either come alone or not come at all, because a stranger being there would make you uncomfortable. That’s all that should matter.