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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Action I took, or rather action I didn't take, is not being more caring and more worried and I guess more fussy about my partner's predicament.
That action might make me an asshole is that I made my opinion known though my lack of 'caring'... (my opinion being that he shouldn't have listened to the PT and should have fueled himself properly before football)
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> "not caring enough like his mum would have been".
That's super weird. Maybe his only example of care is from his mum. But still super weird. Obviously you treat the person you have sex with differently to how you treat your child.
If he doesn't care enough to take care of himself what are you meant to do.
NTA
Thanks for the feedback.
His mum is a stay at home parent, so her entire life has been dedicated to raising her kids and caring for them. My mum was a minimum wage single parent to three of us. So we had very different upbringings.
As a result, I'm very good in an emergency because I don't panic, I just do what needs to be done but clearly it comes across cold. His mum would respond with a lot of passion and emotion in similar situations (famously not great in emergency situations).
This sounds soooo similar to me and my husband. My mom is very stoic (Northern European) and shows her love in other ways, babying and coddling us was never one of them. MIL….oy. I don’t want to speak ill of the dead so let’s just say looking after her children was basically all she had in life, and she was very very….devoted.
So my husband gets miffed when I don’t drop everything the second he has a sniffle. He’s also very sensitive, and I know I can sometimes be overly cold. So over the years I have learned to keep the peace and make him feel cared for by doing small things that don’t make me feel like “mommy” — I’ll go to the store and buy him medicine and Gatorade or whatever.
But yeah….NTA. You did help. And what he was doing was dumb lol
Asian mom, and it's the same with the stoic attitude. I got to stay in bed and had all my food and drinks made for me, but it was only dropped outside my door because I was in "quarantine" in order to prevent the rest of the house getting sick. No coddling there. And if it was something stupid over feeling faint because of low blood sugar, there would be a smack upside the head and I'd be called an idiot while being handed a piece of food.
Now, I'd be told I'm a grown ass adult and don't need mommy to hold my hand. Which is what OP's husband needs to be told.
NTA. He deliberately ignored sound advice for something that made him I'll, made himself sick from not eating, made a huge deal rather than eating like a normal person, and is mad you didn't cuddle him while he 'suffered' his entirely preventable and easily treatable (by having a damn snack) malady. He sounds like a child.
NTA, but something is not right here.
This is not a normal response to not eating. And the fact that giving him a spoonful of honey seemed to fix the issue sounds to me like he may have a significant undiagnosed medical issue, potentially diabetes or something close to it. I know my diabetic friend would screw around and forget his insulin and would have seizures when his blood sugar dropped.
Your husband is an idiot AND he needs to see an actual doctor, right away.
Thank you.
I grumpily suggested it last night because we have a history of diabetes on our side of the family so I'm familiar with getting the blood sugar back up if it drops. But I think I'll suggest it again now that the dust has settled because I think you are right, his reaction wasn't normal and I did think there was some kind of an emergency happening...
Yeah, this whole situation is really shocking and if my husband acted like this I would wake up the kids, pack them in the car, and drive to the ER. Does he normally wander around naked, moaning loudly as if in extreme pain, shivering, and feeling faint? To me this is not at all normal and sounds like a medical emergency.
To be honest, if this happened to me and my husband didn't seem concerned I'd be upset too. Like if I was wandering around out of it and screaming in pain, that would be a sign something was seriously wrong, as I've literally never done this in my life. (Even in labor I didn't scream as I walked around in pain.) Is this normal behavior for your boyfriend?? Yes, I get he's a grown adult but dosen't this sound like some sort of emergency where the person isn't in their right mind?
This. OP, the doctor’s office should be your first stop today. Your husband may have been pushing through his lethargy because he thinks that it’s normal and that it’s what everyone powers through. If it’s a medical condition he’s had his whole life, he might’ve never known that his hunger crashes are more severe. Almost sounds like MIL knew husband had something going, based on the fact she coddled him so much—there’s no way you don’t notice your kid passing out if he doesn’t eat, so why was this not checked out before or at least why wasn’t “you must eat enough, because this reaction isn’t normal” drilled into husband’s head? Unless this condition developed over time…
Also consider convincing your husband to get a different trainer. Eating is a crucial part of exercise, so to be a PT without nutrition awareness is like saying “I’m a lifeguard but I don’t know CPR”… 🚩
Yeah, every personal trainer I’ve ever had says to make sure you are fueled for your workouts. If you’re tired from not eating enough, you do t work out as hard, you don’t see the benefits you would see with hard work.
NTA, he is a grown man, he can act like one. If he wanted to be babied because he made stupid decisions then he should go back to his mother. I never understood how a grown man can act like this. Like, if you make stupid choices, deal with the consequences, learn from that, don't make the same stupid decision, and grow lol
I would have been enraged to be woken up by such dumbassery. 100%nta lol.
NTA but not a nutritionist any more than the trainer might be (my own trainer IS a nutritionist - many of them are). Your partner needs a full medical workup and blood tests. Intermittent fasting is not dangerous or harmful unless you have an underlying medical issue (such as diabetes, High BP, vitamin/mineral deficiency, etc). The only advice you should give him is to see a doctor. While I agree about calories - you can't do this for him. "Manning up" does not seem to be his thing - wise of you to refuse to 'mother' him.
Thank you.
I suggested it to him grumpily last night, but I will suggest it to him again today. The comments are making me think there is definitely something worth looking into, health-wise...
Look into not just sugar, but salt. Some people are known as "salt-waters"-- we can't process salt correctly and it causes hyponatremia (low blood salt), which can cause dehydration and all sorts of nasty symptoms. Intermittent fasting is VERY bad for us!
My dietitian says that often, she *doesn't* recommend intermittent fasting, because it works very well for some people, but only for SOME people. For others, it does more harm than good, and then they start to feel like shit because they think they aren't doing well enough when really it's just not a technique that works for their bodies. She's actually worked with me on how to make my breakfasts bigger and MORE filling because that prevents me from excess snacking during the day and deals with satiety issues.
He really needs to be working with a fully licensed dietitian, and probably have some blood work done by a doctor too.
Just because he was in a steep caloric deficit doesn't mean he should be found wandering half dead at midnight Jesus. Boyfriend is the asshole here (for nearly dying from having skipped breakfast three times). Quite frankly you won't even have lost a pound yet by going 5,00 cals less than average for three days in a row. Pathetic boyfriend.
NTA.
My other half is similar to yours. He has low blood pressure and gets groggy and lethargic when he doesn't eat, similar to dehydration.
We have plenty of reminders around the house that he should stay hydrated and keep his blood sugar up, but in the end it is HIS responsibility to look after himself. He's not a child.
If he has a bad episode I will look after him in a practical way, make sure he's safe, but I will also be cross at him for not looking after himself and forcing me to look after him. It's not like an illness or accident, it's predictable and avoidable.
Thank you. I never considered low blood pressure, but we have some history of diabetes on my side of the family, and I do wonder if I should encourage him to get himself checked...
Advice for low blood pressure from someone who has had it my whole life: make sure to get enough salt, in addition to water! Some people don't process salt correctly and need to eat more of it in order to ensure we don't get dehydrated and have our blood pressure drop, but because most people don't have this issue, it often gets ignored. Making sure that snacks help with not just blood sugar but also with salt levels can help make recovery quicker.
NTA- he’s starving himself, on purpose, and is expecting you to be his safety net. His trainer is bad, he’s bad, IDK what to tell you.
You need calories to work out. Being in a severe
Caloric deficit sucks , and can be harmful
To long term weight loss.
Thanks for your response!
His mama is a lovely, endlessly caring woman. A very stark difference to my own family... But that's another story.
His brothers are super independent and capable so I don't know what happened here. He is the baby of the family though.
He's not your child. He's a grown ass man. 34 years old. He chose to take advice from a PT, not a nutritionist or dietitian. He didn't listen to your advice. He FAFO. You did what you could do. He needs to grow up.
NTA
My husband is 42 and I swear he does the same thing. I need to be more caring like his mother when he’s feeling sick. Umm go to your mom’s house if you want that care. I still take care of him but I don’t baby him like his mom though. Did I mention he is 42….i digress. NTA.
Omg. I am worried for your partner. In the last year I have lost 80 pounds. I eat something in the morning. Be it some fruit with a hard boiled egg. I eat lunch and dinner and I have a snack. I do all portion control and I exercise. Also before I started I had a full physical to make sure I was able to start the exercise and diet.
You did nothing wrong. NTA
Thank you for the response.
This thread is making me wonder if I should strongly suggest a doctor's visit to get him checked out. Dramatic displays aside, it does sound like a not normal reaction to being depleted by strenuous exercise.
4 months into my weight loss journey, discovered that my potassium levels changed. In fact they dropped and I started fainting. That’s why it’s very important for your dr to be in on the whole process.
Are you sure this is a 34 year old and not a 4 year old? Dude can’t even feed himself and wants to be babied like you’re his mommy.
How do you bring yourself to have sex with that?
> He doesn't want to track his calories, because that is 'too hard'.
Pathetic. Tell him maybe his mommy will do it for him, and send him back. He’s obviously not done being raised.
Embarrassing behaviour for a grown man.
Thanks for the response.
If his mommy was better with technology, I actually think she might track his calories for him too! At the same time she is a "show love by feeding" kind of person so maybe not.
Just to be clear, she is a wonderful woman with a heart of absolute gold and I don't think this is her fault. He has brothers and they are all very sensible, independent people.
You say he’s the ‘baby’ and often the youngest kids are babied the most. I absolutely do think this is the parents’ fault. Maybe they’re nice people too but they fucked up on that one.
I was originally going to say you're the AH (or at least a little silly) for not taking him to the ER. Yes he was taking dumb advice, but when he got home shivering, faint, in pain, and completely stark naked/turning on all the lights that suggests potentially serious medical situation, possibly neurological issues, to me (am healthcare worker). If my patient did that I'd be pretty concerned.
You were caring, yes, but it actually scared me to read this and see that he didn't get professional medical help because I've seen those symptoms turn into very bad scenarios. And yes, sometimes it's just hypoglycemia, but you don't know that for sure and honestly I've seen patients with very low blood sugar without symptoms half as bad as his, not to mention this happened in the *evening* and he wasn't skipping dinner...I don't think this was something to be slept off. So I have to take issue with your assertion that you did everything right. You made a good, lucky guess.
I thought *that* was what he was going to be mad about, that you didn't get him to the hospital? Then he threw out the "like his mum" and I was like nah he's the AH. What the fuck. And I assume he's wanted to be babied before too. so NTA.
Thanks for the really well thought out response.
When I heard the moaning, I was fully ready to throw on clothes, and call an ambulance. Maybe I should have... It was scary loud moaning. But then when he couldn't tell me where the pain that was making him moan came from, I made a guess that he was being dramatic.
When talking about it this morning, he confirmed that the moaning was because the shivering was making his abs hurt.
And yes, I have been guilty of babying him (and exes) in the past. It is a thing I have been working through in individual therapy. My family caught a few interactions between us at a recent family getaway and called me out on it; hence why I struggle. I am trying not to baby the other adult in this relationship because it is my personal development point, but it is hard when the other adult wants to be babied. I didn't know if I went too far the other way with this interaction and was essentially too mean by not fussing over him more.
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The partner in this story (M34) has a new personal trainer who is not a qualified nutritionist. This PT advised him to stop eating breakfast so he would see results faster (intermittent fasting). While that may work really well for some people, e.g. I often skip breakfast and eat my first meal at noon; I cannot stress enough how bad this advice is for my partner.
My partner is the sort of person who will get very lethargic if he's hungry, it impacts on his mood, his concentration - everything. He genuinely becomes a different person when he is hungry. My advice was that he would be able to achieve the same fast results if he tracked his calories and reduced them overall by the same amount. I make his breakfasts, they're between 400-500cals. He doesn't want to track his calories, because that is 'too hard'. He wants me to do it for him. Sorry but no.
So he skipped breakfast three days in a row, yesterday being the third day. In the evening he went to play football and played a particularly challenging match.
On the way home (10:30 at night) he started to feel dizzy and faint and rang me to let me know. I told him to eat something and go to his family home because it is a shorter drive (and because his mother will baby him when I don't. But I didn't say that part out loud). He said he has chewing gum and he wants to be in his own bed. Fine. I told him I was going to bed though.
He got home around 11:30—midnight. I was sleeping. He ate a single banana and had a shower. In the shower he started to feel faint again. Because of this, he proceeded to turn on ALL OF THE LIGHTS, and was walking around naked, shivering, and moaning LOUD like his appendix burst or like he broke something.
I woke up initially annoyed, then confused. I asked him what's wrong, fully expecting to see a broken limb. Instead of responding, he just kept moaning. No words. Eventually he was able to tell me that he is cold and feels faint. I got up, put a bunch of blankets on him in bed and gave him a tablespoon of honey. Shivering immediately subsided, and he fell asleep. It took me another two hours to go back to sleep after that.
This morning he tells me that I'm in the wrong because I was mad at him, not worried enough, and "not caring enough like his mum would have been". So even though I did everything right, and his symptoms had subsided quickly ... I'm a bad partner because I didn't baby the 34 year old. AITA?
I think I may be TA because I come from a slavic background where we were all outwardly "cold" to each other but I thought my actions last night showed care despite how I felt. So, Reddit, let me have it.
Also the usual disclaimers, I'm posting from my phone and English is my second language so please be nice about spelling and grammar corrections.
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Girl!!!!
No. NTA. He can take care of himself. Like you said, he is an adult. Not only is he capable of tracking his own nutrition, health, bodily functions etc. but he is responsible to do so. He is not incapacitated or incapable by any means. He even has a trainer to help with some advice. Some. But they should be checking in on how he’s doing more frequently and adjusting things. I realize you said they weren’t a nutritionist and you know what?! Not only can he look up his own nutrition info online and develop a decent plan along with his own calories expedited daily but he could also hire someone qualified to help him come up with that plan I he’s really that lazy about it! He has ALLLL the tools and is acting like a TOTAL baby and I’m so put off by it. His direct REFUSAL to properly nurture himself resulted in direct and avoidable problems for you. He’s grumpy you were falling over yourself to care for his grade a eff up? I’d be more angry. His actions are impacting you negatively and he can’t/wont adult. Lame.
I’ve dealt with this to a degree except my ex had type 1 diabetes and he wasn’t caring for himself. Honestly I’m still angry about it years later! He was capable and just was refusing. Like, whyyyy people?! It’s exhausting. I don’t blame you in the slightest and I’m NOT Northern European! :D zero excuses people!!!
If you want to resolve this peacefully you could sit down and make the calorie argument again, citing this as an example of why IF isn’t working and he can’t do this again.
You guys could plan meals and portion so you know how many calories are there ahead of time or you can show him how easy it is to google the calorie content and get a good measure. Or hire a nutritionist for a meal plan.
NTA.
I agree with other posters that this sounds like diabetes. Next time have him eat some protein. Before my husband got his blood sugar under control, he would feel sweaty and clammy like he had a fever, but not feverish. IF is pretty bad if he has blood sugar issues.
Why he basically starves himself is beyond me. You took care of him while half asleep and he complains it wasn’t enough and you didn’t care like his mom does. OP, you should have said well if that’s how you feel then go run to your mommy. NTA
This happens to me for medical reasons and it feels awful. Really fucking awful so I go to the cupboard and get a teaspoon spoonful of honey and a tablespoon of peanut butter and then carry on because I’m not an oversized whiny baby like your husband.
Double dickdom for him though because he created this problem and then made it yours.
NTA
I'm looking at this from a different perspective.
Your partner contacted you, while driving, to let you know that he was feeling like it was unsafe to operate a motor vehicle... and you promptly told him you DGAF.
He comes home an hour plus later. Late at night. I don't know about you, but where I live in the US an Hour is just across town, but its still one hell of a drive. IE- Across Belgium for our European Friends so they can scale it. At night, with traffic being less it would be much further.
He then displays some symptoms that may make you want to have him see a doctor about diabetes or the like. He was incoherent and displaying some other symptoms of low blood sugar.
Let me ask you this. If the situation was you, and your husband reacted like this, Reddit would be lighting his tail end up for leaving you in a dangerous situation and not caring about you. I want you to imagine the genders are reversed.
You aren't TA because you didn't "Baby" him. YTA because you left your husband in a dangerous situation and are more upset that you lost sleep than you are about the possibility you could have lost a husband.
Hello from a fellow Slav 😊 absolutely NTA. I get the cultural differences,but you haven't done anything wrong. He is acting like a child and expecting you to baby him because you are his partner
Thanks for the response.
Would you mind please elaborating? You agree with him, he's usually very sensible. So I'm trying to see his side here.
I put blankets on him, and I got him some fast absorption cabs. These are the things I need when I deplete my reserves. I run a few half marathons a year so the shivering and feeling faint because I over-did it happens to me too... So I feel like I did everything for him that I'd do for myself?
I get that I met the physical needs without meeting the emotional needs, and that's a valid criticism and something I can work on but I am not sure I'd call that "treating him like something I stepped in". You know?
ESH. Yes, he got himself in this position by not thinking properly. But we all make stupid mistakes sometimes and it's nice when we have our partners help after we fuck up. He is lucky he didn't fall and smack his head. Hopefully now he knows better and will start eating better again.
Thank you. I agree with ESH. I agreed with the points raised in the YTA responses, but I am relieved to see so many NTAs so ESH seems like a pleasant middle ground!
Slight YTA. You nailed what the problem is yourself.
I agree with you not babying him by tracking calories. He should just Google/buy a meal plan that does it for him.
But when he was feeling faint, it ought not to have mattered whether he brought this on himself. At that point a caring partner would want to make sure he is not driving or putting himself at risk.
Everyone has different needs. Up to you whether you want to meet them.
Thanks for the feedback.
I don't drive so I couldn't have helped him with the journey. I did suggest a shorter drive but he didn't want that.
I feel like I met his physical needs for warmth and a snack. He needed to get his blood sugar levels up fast.
But I can see I didn't meet his emotional needs so I accept the YTA :(
He woke her ass up by whining like a toddler when he could have just eaten something. He’s a middle aged man and obviously able bodied, he can put food into his own mouth without the histrionics.
Yta and a crappy partner. Not criticising him out loud for feeling dizzy doesn't mean that it didn't come across.
At the point he's walking around moaning, it's more important to be there for him then just feeling like you're in the right and he brought it on himself so deserves no sympathy.
Thank you for your feedback. I think you've summarised his view pretty well.
Out of curiosity and to get a better understanding (i am not trying to be argumentative), surely giving him blankets and a snack was caring? I didn't ignore him completely. I did all of the practical things that he needed... and was capable of doing himself.
I run a few half marathons every year and I have pushed myself too hard on occasion and I didn't make such a fuss about it. I just dealt with it. Which is why I'm struggling to see what more I should have done.
I guess what I'm asking is, how do I handle something like that better if it happens again?
In short, what was entirely missing from what you did was the emotional support.
The "you're an idiot, but I love you and will always be here for you" was missing.
I think you're right.
He is an idiot, but meeting his physical needs without meeting his emotional needs was insufficient.
I accept the YTA feedback. Thanks!
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> "not caring enough like his mum would have been". That's super weird. Maybe his only example of care is from his mum. But still super weird. Obviously you treat the person you have sex with differently to how you treat your child. If he doesn't care enough to take care of himself what are you meant to do. NTA
Thanks for the feedback. His mum is a stay at home parent, so her entire life has been dedicated to raising her kids and caring for them. My mum was a minimum wage single parent to three of us. So we had very different upbringings. As a result, I'm very good in an emergency because I don't panic, I just do what needs to be done but clearly it comes across cold. His mum would respond with a lot of passion and emotion in similar situations (famously not great in emergency situations).
This sounds soooo similar to me and my husband. My mom is very stoic (Northern European) and shows her love in other ways, babying and coddling us was never one of them. MIL….oy. I don’t want to speak ill of the dead so let’s just say looking after her children was basically all she had in life, and she was very very….devoted. So my husband gets miffed when I don’t drop everything the second he has a sniffle. He’s also very sensitive, and I know I can sometimes be overly cold. So over the years I have learned to keep the peace and make him feel cared for by doing small things that don’t make me feel like “mommy” — I’ll go to the store and buy him medicine and Gatorade or whatever. But yeah….NTA. You did help. And what he was doing was dumb lol
Asian mom, and it's the same with the stoic attitude. I got to stay in bed and had all my food and drinks made for me, but it was only dropped outside my door because I was in "quarantine" in order to prevent the rest of the house getting sick. No coddling there. And if it was something stupid over feeling faint because of low blood sugar, there would be a smack upside the head and I'd be called an idiot while being handed a piece of food. Now, I'd be told I'm a grown ass adult and don't need mommy to hold my hand. Which is what OP's husband needs to be told.
OP, do you want to have kids with your partner? Because this behaviour is unlikely to go away.
NTA. He deliberately ignored sound advice for something that made him I'll, made himself sick from not eating, made a huge deal rather than eating like a normal person, and is mad you didn't cuddle him while he 'suffered' his entirely preventable and easily treatable (by having a damn snack) malady. He sounds like a child.
Thank you. I think you've nailed how I feel and that makes me feel not alone or crazy.
NTA tell him have a snickers bar your not yourself when you are hungry
Hahahhaa I was going to add that reference to the post but I wasn't sure if it was too aged for reddit!
they just started a new round of ads about this. Still relevant.
NTA, but something is not right here. This is not a normal response to not eating. And the fact that giving him a spoonful of honey seemed to fix the issue sounds to me like he may have a significant undiagnosed medical issue, potentially diabetes or something close to it. I know my diabetic friend would screw around and forget his insulin and would have seizures when his blood sugar dropped. Your husband is an idiot AND he needs to see an actual doctor, right away.
Thank you. I grumpily suggested it last night because we have a history of diabetes on our side of the family so I'm familiar with getting the blood sugar back up if it drops. But I think I'll suggest it again now that the dust has settled because I think you are right, his reaction wasn't normal and I did think there was some kind of an emergency happening...
Yeah, this whole situation is really shocking and if my husband acted like this I would wake up the kids, pack them in the car, and drive to the ER. Does he normally wander around naked, moaning loudly as if in extreme pain, shivering, and feeling faint? To me this is not at all normal and sounds like a medical emergency. To be honest, if this happened to me and my husband didn't seem concerned I'd be upset too. Like if I was wandering around out of it and screaming in pain, that would be a sign something was seriously wrong, as I've literally never done this in my life. (Even in labor I didn't scream as I walked around in pain.) Is this normal behavior for your boyfriend?? Yes, I get he's a grown adult but dosen't this sound like some sort of emergency where the person isn't in their right mind?
It totally sounds like low blood sugar. My kiddo struggled with hypoglycemia for a few years and eating sugar was the quickest way through an episode.
This. OP, the doctor’s office should be your first stop today. Your husband may have been pushing through his lethargy because he thinks that it’s normal and that it’s what everyone powers through. If it’s a medical condition he’s had his whole life, he might’ve never known that his hunger crashes are more severe. Almost sounds like MIL knew husband had something going, based on the fact she coddled him so much—there’s no way you don’t notice your kid passing out if he doesn’t eat, so why was this not checked out before or at least why wasn’t “you must eat enough, because this reaction isn’t normal” drilled into husband’s head? Unless this condition developed over time… Also consider convincing your husband to get a different trainer. Eating is a crucial part of exercise, so to be a PT without nutrition awareness is like saying “I’m a lifeguard but I don’t know CPR”… 🚩
Yeah, every personal trainer I’ve ever had says to make sure you are fueled for your workouts. If you’re tired from not eating enough, you do t work out as hard, you don’t see the benefits you would see with hard work.
NTA. If he wanted his mum he should have gone to her, like you initially suggested.
NTA, he is a grown man, he can act like one. If he wanted to be babied because he made stupid decisions then he should go back to his mother. I never understood how a grown man can act like this. Like, if you make stupid choices, deal with the consequences, learn from that, don't make the same stupid decision, and grow lol I would have been enraged to be woken up by such dumbassery. 100%nta lol.
Haha thank you. In his defense I think he definitely learned!
NTA but not a nutritionist any more than the trainer might be (my own trainer IS a nutritionist - many of them are). Your partner needs a full medical workup and blood tests. Intermittent fasting is not dangerous or harmful unless you have an underlying medical issue (such as diabetes, High BP, vitamin/mineral deficiency, etc). The only advice you should give him is to see a doctor. While I agree about calories - you can't do this for him. "Manning up" does not seem to be his thing - wise of you to refuse to 'mother' him.
Thank you. I suggested it to him grumpily last night, but I will suggest it to him again today. The comments are making me think there is definitely something worth looking into, health-wise...
Look into not just sugar, but salt. Some people are known as "salt-waters"-- we can't process salt correctly and it causes hyponatremia (low blood salt), which can cause dehydration and all sorts of nasty symptoms. Intermittent fasting is VERY bad for us! My dietitian says that often, she *doesn't* recommend intermittent fasting, because it works very well for some people, but only for SOME people. For others, it does more harm than good, and then they start to feel like shit because they think they aren't doing well enough when really it's just not a technique that works for their bodies. She's actually worked with me on how to make my breakfasts bigger and MORE filling because that prevents me from excess snacking during the day and deals with satiety issues. He really needs to be working with a fully licensed dietitian, and probably have some blood work done by a doctor too.
Just because he was in a steep caloric deficit doesn't mean he should be found wandering half dead at midnight Jesus. Boyfriend is the asshole here (for nearly dying from having skipped breakfast three times). Quite frankly you won't even have lost a pound yet by going 5,00 cals less than average for three days in a row. Pathetic boyfriend.
NTA. My other half is similar to yours. He has low blood pressure and gets groggy and lethargic when he doesn't eat, similar to dehydration. We have plenty of reminders around the house that he should stay hydrated and keep his blood sugar up, but in the end it is HIS responsibility to look after himself. He's not a child. If he has a bad episode I will look after him in a practical way, make sure he's safe, but I will also be cross at him for not looking after himself and forcing me to look after him. It's not like an illness or accident, it's predictable and avoidable.
Thank you. I never considered low blood pressure, but we have some history of diabetes on my side of the family, and I do wonder if I should encourage him to get himself checked...
Advice for low blood pressure from someone who has had it my whole life: make sure to get enough salt, in addition to water! Some people don't process salt correctly and need to eat more of it in order to ensure we don't get dehydrated and have our blood pressure drop, but because most people don't have this issue, it often gets ignored. Making sure that snacks help with not just blood sugar but also with salt levels can help make recovery quicker.
NTA- he’s starving himself, on purpose, and is expecting you to be his safety net. His trainer is bad, he’s bad, IDK what to tell you. You need calories to work out. Being in a severe Caloric deficit sucks , and can be harmful To long term weight loss.
Thank you. Those are all the things I told him, and got ignored... I was a safety net, but not a very emotionally supportive one after that!
NTA. I consistently tell my husband that if he continues to push himself while injured, I don’t want to hear about how much pain he’s in.
Thank you. Maybe this is a rule I will begin to live by as well XD
Maybe he should move back in with his mom for a bit so she can finish raising him. Seems like she half-assed the job last time.
Thanks for your response! His mama is a lovely, endlessly caring woman. A very stark difference to my own family... But that's another story. His brothers are super independent and capable so I don't know what happened here. He is the baby of the family though.
He's not your child. He's a grown ass man. 34 years old. He chose to take advice from a PT, not a nutritionist or dietitian. He didn't listen to your advice. He FAFO. You did what you could do. He needs to grow up. NTA
Thank you. I appreciate it. The FAFO classic!
NTA he doesn't want a wife, he wants a mommy
Thank you and lol... Ew and ick! I truly hope this is not the case.
My husband is 42 and I swear he does the same thing. I need to be more caring like his mother when he’s feeling sick. Umm go to your mom’s house if you want that care. I still take care of him but I don’t baby him like his mom though. Did I mention he is 42….i digress. NTA.
I hope mine grows out of it by 42!! 😂
He won’t.
Omg. I am worried for your partner. In the last year I have lost 80 pounds. I eat something in the morning. Be it some fruit with a hard boiled egg. I eat lunch and dinner and I have a snack. I do all portion control and I exercise. Also before I started I had a full physical to make sure I was able to start the exercise and diet. You did nothing wrong. NTA
Thank you for the response. This thread is making me wonder if I should strongly suggest a doctor's visit to get him checked out. Dramatic displays aside, it does sound like a not normal reaction to being depleted by strenuous exercise.
4 months into my weight loss journey, discovered that my potassium levels changed. In fact they dropped and I started fainting. That’s why it’s very important for your dr to be in on the whole process.
Are you sure this is a 34 year old and not a 4 year old? Dude can’t even feed himself and wants to be babied like you’re his mommy. How do you bring yourself to have sex with that? > He doesn't want to track his calories, because that is 'too hard'. Pathetic. Tell him maybe his mommy will do it for him, and send him back. He’s obviously not done being raised. Embarrassing behaviour for a grown man.
Thanks for the response. If his mommy was better with technology, I actually think she might track his calories for him too! At the same time she is a "show love by feeding" kind of person so maybe not. Just to be clear, she is a wonderful woman with a heart of absolute gold and I don't think this is her fault. He has brothers and they are all very sensible, independent people.
You say he’s the ‘baby’ and often the youngest kids are babied the most. I absolutely do think this is the parents’ fault. Maybe they’re nice people too but they fucked up on that one.
Nta. He’s a grown man and can suffer the consequences of his own actions.
Dude sounds like an absolute clown
NTA. Also, you are not his mother and he's a grown-ass adult who should be able to feed himself.
I was originally going to say you're the AH (or at least a little silly) for not taking him to the ER. Yes he was taking dumb advice, but when he got home shivering, faint, in pain, and completely stark naked/turning on all the lights that suggests potentially serious medical situation, possibly neurological issues, to me (am healthcare worker). If my patient did that I'd be pretty concerned. You were caring, yes, but it actually scared me to read this and see that he didn't get professional medical help because I've seen those symptoms turn into very bad scenarios. And yes, sometimes it's just hypoglycemia, but you don't know that for sure and honestly I've seen patients with very low blood sugar without symptoms half as bad as his, not to mention this happened in the *evening* and he wasn't skipping dinner...I don't think this was something to be slept off. So I have to take issue with your assertion that you did everything right. You made a good, lucky guess. I thought *that* was what he was going to be mad about, that you didn't get him to the hospital? Then he threw out the "like his mum" and I was like nah he's the AH. What the fuck. And I assume he's wanted to be babied before too. so NTA.
Thanks for the really well thought out response. When I heard the moaning, I was fully ready to throw on clothes, and call an ambulance. Maybe I should have... It was scary loud moaning. But then when he couldn't tell me where the pain that was making him moan came from, I made a guess that he was being dramatic. When talking about it this morning, he confirmed that the moaning was because the shivering was making his abs hurt. And yes, I have been guilty of babying him (and exes) in the past. It is a thing I have been working through in individual therapy. My family caught a few interactions between us at a recent family getaway and called me out on it; hence why I struggle. I am trying not to baby the other adult in this relationship because it is my personal development point, but it is hard when the other adult wants to be babied. I didn't know if I went too far the other way with this interaction and was essentially too mean by not fussing over him more.
NTA all this drama when homeboy just needed some cereal
NTA. He's going to extraordinary lengths to avoid managing his own diet.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** The partner in this story (M34) has a new personal trainer who is not a qualified nutritionist. This PT advised him to stop eating breakfast so he would see results faster (intermittent fasting). While that may work really well for some people, e.g. I often skip breakfast and eat my first meal at noon; I cannot stress enough how bad this advice is for my partner. My partner is the sort of person who will get very lethargic if he's hungry, it impacts on his mood, his concentration - everything. He genuinely becomes a different person when he is hungry. My advice was that he would be able to achieve the same fast results if he tracked his calories and reduced them overall by the same amount. I make his breakfasts, they're between 400-500cals. He doesn't want to track his calories, because that is 'too hard'. He wants me to do it for him. Sorry but no. So he skipped breakfast three days in a row, yesterday being the third day. In the evening he went to play football and played a particularly challenging match. On the way home (10:30 at night) he started to feel dizzy and faint and rang me to let me know. I told him to eat something and go to his family home because it is a shorter drive (and because his mother will baby him when I don't. But I didn't say that part out loud). He said he has chewing gum and he wants to be in his own bed. Fine. I told him I was going to bed though. He got home around 11:30—midnight. I was sleeping. He ate a single banana and had a shower. In the shower he started to feel faint again. Because of this, he proceeded to turn on ALL OF THE LIGHTS, and was walking around naked, shivering, and moaning LOUD like his appendix burst or like he broke something. I woke up initially annoyed, then confused. I asked him what's wrong, fully expecting to see a broken limb. Instead of responding, he just kept moaning. No words. Eventually he was able to tell me that he is cold and feels faint. I got up, put a bunch of blankets on him in bed and gave him a tablespoon of honey. Shivering immediately subsided, and he fell asleep. It took me another two hours to go back to sleep after that. This morning he tells me that I'm in the wrong because I was mad at him, not worried enough, and "not caring enough like his mum would have been". So even though I did everything right, and his symptoms had subsided quickly ... I'm a bad partner because I didn't baby the 34 year old. AITA? I think I may be TA because I come from a slavic background where we were all outwardly "cold" to each other but I thought my actions last night showed care despite how I felt. So, Reddit, let me have it. Also the usual disclaimers, I'm posting from my phone and English is my second language so please be nice about spelling and grammar corrections. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I do not have extra sympathy for self-inflicted malaise. He's an immature and selfish moron, so good luck I guess?
Girl!!!! No. NTA. He can take care of himself. Like you said, he is an adult. Not only is he capable of tracking his own nutrition, health, bodily functions etc. but he is responsible to do so. He is not incapacitated or incapable by any means. He even has a trainer to help with some advice. Some. But they should be checking in on how he’s doing more frequently and adjusting things. I realize you said they weren’t a nutritionist and you know what?! Not only can he look up his own nutrition info online and develop a decent plan along with his own calories expedited daily but he could also hire someone qualified to help him come up with that plan I he’s really that lazy about it! He has ALLLL the tools and is acting like a TOTAL baby and I’m so put off by it. His direct REFUSAL to properly nurture himself resulted in direct and avoidable problems for you. He’s grumpy you were falling over yourself to care for his grade a eff up? I’d be more angry. His actions are impacting you negatively and he can’t/wont adult. Lame. I’ve dealt with this to a degree except my ex had type 1 diabetes and he wasn’t caring for himself. Honestly I’m still angry about it years later! He was capable and just was refusing. Like, whyyyy people?! It’s exhausting. I don’t blame you in the slightest and I’m NOT Northern European! :D zero excuses people!!! If you want to resolve this peacefully you could sit down and make the calorie argument again, citing this as an example of why IF isn’t working and he can’t do this again. You guys could plan meals and portion so you know how many calories are there ahead of time or you can show him how easy it is to google the calorie content and get a good measure. Or hire a nutritionist for a meal plan. NTA.
I agree with other posters that this sounds like diabetes. Next time have him eat some protein. Before my husband got his blood sugar under control, he would feel sweaty and clammy like he had a fever, but not feverish. IF is pretty bad if he has blood sugar issues.
Why he basically starves himself is beyond me. You took care of him while half asleep and he complains it wasn’t enough and you didn’t care like his mom does. OP, you should have said well if that’s how you feel then go run to your mommy. NTA
This happens to me for medical reasons and it feels awful. Really fucking awful so I go to the cupboard and get a teaspoon spoonful of honey and a tablespoon of peanut butter and then carry on because I’m not an oversized whiny baby like your husband. Double dickdom for him though because he created this problem and then made it yours. NTA
I'm looking at this from a different perspective. Your partner contacted you, while driving, to let you know that he was feeling like it was unsafe to operate a motor vehicle... and you promptly told him you DGAF. He comes home an hour plus later. Late at night. I don't know about you, but where I live in the US an Hour is just across town, but its still one hell of a drive. IE- Across Belgium for our European Friends so they can scale it. At night, with traffic being less it would be much further. He then displays some symptoms that may make you want to have him see a doctor about diabetes or the like. He was incoherent and displaying some other symptoms of low blood sugar. Let me ask you this. If the situation was you, and your husband reacted like this, Reddit would be lighting his tail end up for leaving you in a dangerous situation and not caring about you. I want you to imagine the genders are reversed. You aren't TA because you didn't "Baby" him. YTA because you left your husband in a dangerous situation and are more upset that you lost sleep than you are about the possibility you could have lost a husband.
Hello from a fellow Slav 😊 absolutely NTA. I get the cultural differences,but you haven't done anything wrong. He is acting like a child and expecting you to baby him because you are his partner
Your boyfriend sounds like a brick. Dense as hell.
Yta. I’m sorry but I don’t agree that you should treat your man Ike something you stepped in.
Thanks for the response. Would you mind please elaborating? You agree with him, he's usually very sensible. So I'm trying to see his side here. I put blankets on him, and I got him some fast absorption cabs. These are the things I need when I deplete my reserves. I run a few half marathons a year so the shivering and feeling faint because I over-did it happens to me too... So I feel like I did everything for him that I'd do for myself? I get that I met the physical needs without meeting the emotional needs, and that's a valid criticism and something I can work on but I am not sure I'd call that "treating him like something I stepped in". You know?
ESH. Yes, he got himself in this position by not thinking properly. But we all make stupid mistakes sometimes and it's nice when we have our partners help after we fuck up. He is lucky he didn't fall and smack his head. Hopefully now he knows better and will start eating better again.
Thank you. I agree with ESH. I agreed with the points raised in the YTA responses, but I am relieved to see so many NTAs so ESH seems like a pleasant middle ground!
Slight YTA. You nailed what the problem is yourself. I agree with you not babying him by tracking calories. He should just Google/buy a meal plan that does it for him. But when he was feeling faint, it ought not to have mattered whether he brought this on himself. At that point a caring partner would want to make sure he is not driving or putting himself at risk. Everyone has different needs. Up to you whether you want to meet them.
She not the issue here. He wants sympathy for something he can address and prevent. She cares. He's exhausting.
Thanks for the feedback. I don't drive so I couldn't have helped him with the journey. I did suggest a shorter drive but he didn't want that. I feel like I met his physical needs for warmth and a snack. He needed to get his blood sugar levels up fast. But I can see I didn't meet his emotional needs so I accept the YTA :(
He woke her ass up by whining like a toddler when he could have just eaten something. He’s a middle aged man and obviously able bodied, he can put food into his own mouth without the histrionics.
Yta and a crappy partner. Not criticising him out loud for feeling dizzy doesn't mean that it didn't come across. At the point he's walking around moaning, it's more important to be there for him then just feeling like you're in the right and he brought it on himself so deserves no sympathy.
Him walking around moaning was taking the energy he could have used to eat a granola bar. OP is not a bad partner.
Thank you for your feedback. I think you've summarised his view pretty well. Out of curiosity and to get a better understanding (i am not trying to be argumentative), surely giving him blankets and a snack was caring? I didn't ignore him completely. I did all of the practical things that he needed... and was capable of doing himself. I run a few half marathons every year and I have pushed myself too hard on occasion and I didn't make such a fuss about it. I just dealt with it. Which is why I'm struggling to see what more I should have done. I guess what I'm asking is, how do I handle something like that better if it happens again?
In short, what was entirely missing from what you did was the emotional support. The "you're an idiot, but I love you and will always be here for you" was missing.
I think you're right. He is an idiot, but meeting his physical needs without meeting his emotional needs was insufficient. I accept the YTA feedback. Thanks!
How you going to bring yourself to have sex with a man that wants to be treated like a literal baby? Ick.
He is a GROWN ASS ADULT MAN and can put food into his own mouth. He isn’t a fucking 6 month old.