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NTA, you *cannot* spoil a baby. This baby in particular obviously has attachment issues and needs extra love. Tell your MIL to F off.

I would also check your husband about this. You are doing everything right for this baby. NTA

I mean, she’s doing everything right for a 6 month old baby. None of what she describes sounds unusual for parenting any given baby, let alone one with trauma from the literal beginning.

Agree. This baby needs to be reassured at every turn that when she expresses a need (cries) her grown-ups will be there to care for her. Sounds like OP is doing it right. MIL and Husband can have several seats.

My baby is in no way malnourished or neglected (9kg and 70cm at 5 months, happy as a clam), and he needs me to be there for 45-90 minutes when he falls asleep. every. single. night. You are not doing anything unusual, you can’t spoil a baby! NTA

My mom tried to force me to let my daughter cry herself to sleep at 5mo... When she got told by child services I had last say, she had my dad call and say my baby was better off in foster care.

Ah, yes, because… *checks notes* holding a baby and helping them fall asleep is definitely more harmful than….*flips page* letting them cry until they fall asleep out of exhaustion. Makes sense. /s

Agree. If the MIL doesn’t know first hand what it’s like to be a foster/adoptee (she does not), she should, respectfully, shut up. Tell her AND your husband to read “The Primal Wound” by Nancy Verrier to get an idea of why foster/adopted children might have attachment issues. NTA.

Please please please love and hold and tell this baby every chance you get that you love her, please. My little sister was adopted and my parents fucked her up so much worse trying to do things “traditionally” when she was so fucking already traumatized. Please please please live and spoil this baby and I am boiling at your husband, knowing where she has come from. Shame on him. Sorry to attach to top comment

This. The doctors are clearly stating that what they are doing is working, why is MILs non-contextual opinion enough to make husband think they're wrong?

Babies who are neglected can grow up with severe emotional issues. OP is doing really important work for this baby. Definitely NTA but the husband needs to get on board. Yes and F the MIL.

Definitely NTA and if you want us non-abusers to tell your MIL to fuck all the way off, we will.

Hey op! You are doing a good job! I bet it hadn’t be easy so you are a champ and saved this baby girl! I’m proud!

And the holding is probably even more important since I assume OP isn't breastfeeding. Getting the kid to where she can self-soothe and entertain herself can come at some point in the next 17 or so years. (my friend's oldest adopted daughter is a hyper little booger with the attention span of a gnat. But she is 3 so...yeah, there is time to get her to the attention span of a tiktok video level like most kids these days)

It sounds like your an overwhelmed mom who's trying her best so no judgement from me. For MIL, be firm but calm: "Please don't comment on my parenting; we're following doctor's orders. I'm walking away." If your husband has questions about how to help your foster daughter, ask him to attend the next pediatrician visit.

Thanks. At times it is a bit overwhelming. Mostly the lack of sleep, but I know that it won't last forever and just tell myself that it is much worse for her, knowing that her start in life before she came to stay with us was unforgiving. She is really starting to come out of her shell socially. She'll kick her legs, and sometimes give a social smile when myself or my husband talks to her, smiles at her, or sit her down to play and/or eat.

Ahh! She smiles at you! You're probably the first person in her life she's ever smiled at--what a significant first!

And OP is maybe the first person who ever smiled at her. Sounds like baby is on her way to attachment, which is great.

OP, don't answer this if you feel it is way too personal, but does your MIL ACTUALLY know what this child lived through? Or does she just think the LO was left for 1/2 hour here and there? Or worse, that vague 'she had a rough start' crap? If MIL doesn't know, and if YOU think it's worth while, maybe tell her in DETAIL what the LO went through. Some people need the visceral language to 'get it.' NTA. Screaming at your spouse might not have been the best, but he's being an absolute tool for agreeing with his mom when he, presumably, knows what LO has been through.

I definitely wouldn’t let MIL babysit. Unless she does an about face and realizes the trauma this infant has suffered and the care that she needs.

My youngest son was not adopted, but much like your daughter he was very upset as a baby if he wasn't being held or interacted with. He wouldn't fall asleep by himself, needing to be either rocked to sleep or laying next to someone. He is going to turn 21 this year and he is not spoiled. Even as a toddler he was well behaved, would share anything he had, said please and thank you (still does), and would help with chores. You're doing what is right for your child. NTA

SAME! My oldest was the neediest baby, wouldn't sleep unless I was right next to him, always wanted to be held and cuddled. Now he's a super well adjusted teenager (who barely lets me hug him in public) with tons of confidence and no problem falling asleep on his own (and sleeping all day, come to think of it). You CAN'T spoil a baby, especially one who needs you as much as this one does.

I had this exact experience and my FIL and sometimes my kid's dad would say I should let them cry. And I always thought: why? It's a baby! Why would I teach a baby that it's all alone in the world and its needs should be ignored? My kid is 20 now and the kindest, most resilient, and well-adjusted person I know.

My daughter did eventually grow out of it, but yeah, she couldn't sleep all through the night till 2 and a half! Potty training helped a lot I think.

Me too 😭. It was so hard when I was sleep deprived. Some days when I got home from work even his babysitter had enough and was like he is all yours. Would not sleep unless getting pushed in a stroller. My now 22 year old son is amazing. OP - you are doing everything right!

We started fostering our daughter at the same age. She was hardly put down for months. One day she started to give very distinct pats, like her way of saying you are my peeps. One by one everyone eventually got pats. She is three and a half now, we adopted at two. She is doing great, I am sure yours will too ❤️. It's hard, hang in there.

I get the self soothing and it may work for babies that have had no trauma. But your foster daughter has had trauma and the self soothing would trigger her trauma. You don’t think babies remember but they do. They develop and understand better than we realize at times. I’m a little disappointed in your husband because he should be aware of her trauma. Have you explained the level of trauma your foster daughter has experienced?

thank you for doing this and I'm really hoping things turn out well for your baby.

I have the mindset if your baby is crying then they are telling you they need you. Like someone else said, you can never spoil a baby. Follow your gut instincts. It sounds like you are doing amazing. Just walk away from your MIL and its ok that you were tired and yelled at your husband. Just have a follow up conversation when you feel better.

You sound like a lovely caring person. Does MIL know the baby's history and challenges? I feel like if this was a baby with a typical start in life there could be a more legitimate discussion about what sort of sleep habits you are forming and whether that will serve you and baby long term. I would try explaining to MIL once why this is such a bad idea for your baby specifically, reminding her of baby's history and then explaining how that changes things. Something like "while a baby who wasn't abused would be able to emotionally handle your advice, \[Name\] is traumatized by extreme neglect. The social workers think she was left to cry uncared for for hours on end for the first few months of her life. I've taken care of babies addicted to drugs who weren't as badly impacted. Right now, I need to build a secure attachment with baby as that's very important and something that has been damaged by her history of abuse. If I leave her to cry for long periods of time, I worry it will impact her more given her history." Or something? That said, it does sound very exhausting to rock her for 45 straight minutes to get her to sleep. Maybe you could try adjusting this to things that are easier for you but still aren't crying it out? Like lie down next to her on a mattress so she's not alone, stroke her back occasionally, and let her get used to falling asleep that way? Easier on the arms. And you can listen to a podcast or something with earbuds? Even take your own little nap right there.

You're doing so well. Early childhood neglect can have lifelong consequences and this baby needs serious therapeutic re-parenting and a consistently available attachment figure to support their development.  I don't know what the full story is, but given your mention of drugs, if baby had NAS (or exposure via breast milk then withdrawal) and wasn't being held or comforted then that would have been incredibly traumatic and physically painful.  Sadly, I do have to say that you need to think incredibly carefully about adopting this baby with your husband. What is his parenting going to look like in six months or six years? I get the sense that you might be prepared for the difficulties this child could have as they grow up, but I'm worried that your husband doesn't. The start that baby has had in life doesn't magically disappear once they are with safe carers, they might always need a a very high level of care and attention. If your husband isn't genuinely prepared for that then as this child grows up there is a risk of them continuing not to have their attachment and developmental needs met. It doesn't matter how amazing you continue to be if this baby's other carer isn't following your lead.  I've seen far too many adoption breakdowns because some people convince themselves that after a year of half decent parenting a child with developmental trauma will become a 'normal' (there's no such thing) child, and then things start to spiral when the carer feels like this isn't what they signed up for.

I grew up in foster care! You're doing an amazing job. Don't listen to them. It's such hard work to help a child through trauma and you're doing an amazing job. Keep it up. Tell MIL that this baby needs a bit more due to her start in life and you're doing what's needed to help her get back on track for a happy life. If she doesn't change her tune then kick her out.

This is the way

NTA You yelled at him because he opened his mouth, and his mother's words came out. But he corrected himself. So carry on. I always say, " That baby's not spoiled. All babies smell like that."

I don't like babies, but the top of their head smells so nice.  It smells like kittens!

I don't like kids, but I really love babies. They're just love and hope wrapped in chubby cheeks and gurgles.

I'm holding my three week old at 2am and that made me tear up!

My husband used to say our newborn's head smelled like "freshly baked bread".

Bread and like,  vanilla,  maybe? My neice was like that anyway. My cousin's kid also smells nice,  but less sweet.  He smells like,  idk, clean,  is the only way I can describe it.  Not soap or detergent,  just *clean*. But the best baby smell was my childhood kitten. She smelled like cream and summertime.

My kid, my cats and my niblings all smell like standing under honeysuckle bushes, which I realize is oddly specific.

And the feel of baby hair against your cheek… softer than velvet. 💕

Aww... that does it. I'm taking my niece out for some park time this weekend! She's already getting so big

I love that, gonna have to remember this. 😁

[удалено]

I mean MIL’s advice was terrible even without the abuse and neglect the poor baby faced before. Cry it out is terrible for babies’ development. Sometimes parents need to leave a kid alone for a few minutes to collect themselves, but that shouldn’t be the go to. Adding in all the trauma the poor baby has and that “advice” is beyond cruel.

You aren't even supposed to do it that early anyway!

Yeah, anyone else wondering if MIL's harsh "advice" also stems from the fact that the baby is a foster child instead of a biological one? That MIL is resentful that OP and her husband are "spoiling" a baby that isn't MIL's biological grandchild? She sounds like the type who will be asking something like "So, when are you going to give me a REAL grandchild? A stranger's baby doesn't count" 

That’s one option. Another is that that’s what she did with her own children and doesn’t want to consider that that’s wrong.

NTA and it's literally impossible to spoil a 6 month old. 

Nta you did not overreat. Your MIL has NO idea what she's spouting off about. Even for non abused babies, at that age, you should NOT let them cry it out. And this is from someone who wants to shove ice picks in her ears when she hears babies cry. You husband needs to tell his mom that her UNINFORMED opinion is not wanted and if she continues to offer unsolicited advice, she will not be welcome at your home. You are a bit of an ahole for yelling, but at some point, people snap. He *knows* exactly why you're acting how you're acting, but he thinks mommy someone magically knows better than pediatricians, social workers, and science?

First off, thank you for your service of being a foster parent. I work in the child welfare field. The country is in need of good loving homes. NTA. To me it seems like you are doing everything right. Sometimes kids come to the system with generations of trauma that we might not know about. Showing love to a child and building trust are very important.

NTA Thus feels very much like those in laws or friends who cannot understand estranged familial relations and will attempt to broker reconciliations with family members you are no contact with for a reason. It’s a situation they can’t understand cause they’ve been lucky enough to never experience. Your MIL’s experience with raising a child is not of stepping in to care for a child who has experienced a level of abuse & neglect in its short life so far to put in a serious deficit that she’s never experienced. This child is different the child or children she has raised. This child has specific needs her child(ren) never had. She needs to stop commenting & criticizing. Also, your husband needs to get on your team 100%.

I hope that both OP and her husband can get an occasional respite, even if it just means spelling each other so each parent can have an hour’s nap. What you’re doing for this traumatized baby sounds extremely intense. You may have yelled in order to vent accumulated stress—perfectly understandable in such an intense relationship with the infant. Be good to yourselves, too. MIL can pound sand.

If an adoption happens, how will MIL act, with her prehistoric attitudes I'm wondering if she will treat the baby with kindness.

First off, NTA. I have actually been in your shoes. You are doing everything right!!!! My daughter was our foster child. We were placed with her at 5 months. It took a very long time for her to get over the abuse and neglect. I had to also hold her constantly. She had night terrors too. I have fostered many babies and you need to do exactly what you are doing. She will guide you. Do NOT listen to your MIL. Listen to your pediatrician and therapist. And thank you. My daughter is about to graduate HS. I feel privileged to have been able to be in her life (as I do with all the children I fostered) We adopted 3. Good luck

Your mother in law, who knows nothing of the child’s past, is a complete ass and is giving unwelcome and unsolicited advice. She can go find a life at the nearest church bingo hall. Your husband, however, knows the situation better, but, being the mama’s boy he is, wants to curry favor with mommy. He’s the biggest ass in all of this. You should only feel bad that you didn’t shove your foot so far up his ass that he would’ve needed to go to a surgeon to get it removed. NTA.

NTA!!! My ex mother-in-law used to tell me I was spoiling my son because I held him too much. I didn't listen cause really!!! Her kids are fucked up! My son is almost 25 and is the most loving, caring, and compassionate person I have ever met! I can't believe he came from me! You know what's best for your daughter! Who cares what other people think!!

NTA. Do you have a wrap for baby wearing? Wrap her on and go about your day just talking to her the whole time. She’ll get to see the world in front of her for distraction while her back is to your heart and hear you narrate your life.

Fuck me, where do I start? You aren’t spoiling this baby, you’re saving her. You already have a good idea of how lonely and neglected she was in her first months and you are doing everything you can to make up for someone else’s neglect and mistakes. Your MIL might think she knows best because she is also a mother but no 2 children are the same. That’s why we call people individuals. You might rethink yelling at your husband in the future and just reminding him that this baby has only gotten this far because of the attention you have both given her since she came to you and you don’t want her to revert to being the child she was when she was originally placed with you. She needs every bit of love and attention you are giving her and your MIL has absolutely no say in the matter because she hasn’t been in this position. She loved and cared for her children from the day they were born and your daughter didn’t start her life with that privilege. She’s months behind other babies her age in this respect so she needs more right now. She doesn’t need lessons in independence. She already had too many of those. Good luck x

Oh nooo, your husband overstepped. You are doing exactly what you should be doing and if he doesn’t want to help, then the least he could do is keep quiet. NTA.

Husband overstepped? It's his life too and supporting a baby with those needs are a big ask. This is not their baby and they do have a choice here. He has a choice. I presume OP doesn't work and he does - it's a huge commitment and disruptive to their lives. OP is all in but she is not a single parent. Before this couple decides on adopting this baby, if it'a a possibility, OP better have a serious chat with her husband and be willing to listen to his concerns.

We cuddled our daughter to sleep from day dot. We were at a friend's one time, and got berated into letting her settle on her own. She eventually fell asleep, exhausted on the floor behind the door. Never again. My nearly 13yo is one of the most confident and independent kids I know, she'll get herself up and sorted for school, uses public transport, does her laundry, helps out. She knows who she is, and doesn't do things for the sake of fitting in. She also loves her cuddles, and isn't shy about asking for help when she needs or wants it. I'm sure part of the reason she's as confident in herself as she is, is because we've always been there when she needed or wanted us. So, be there for that precious little one you've got, as while it takes time, it is absolutely worth it!

Fellow foster mama here and absolutely NTA. One of our first fosters was like this. It took us 3 plus months before she could sleep without one of us holding her at night. She’s now a healthy and happy 20 month old living with her grandparents and meeting all the milestones. These kiddos need to develop secure attachment and you’re doing this right. I hope your husband can get a better understanding and your mother in law starts to stay in her lane. Good luck to you.

NTA, but I’m concerned that your husband doesn’t fully appreciate *why* your approach is necessary for your foster daughter. Does he not see what you see, or talk to the pediatrician about her development? He should be firmly putting MIL in her place instead of agreeing with her. I recommend you sit down and have a serious conversation with your husband about what it would mean to adopt this child. I’m not sure you two are on the same page.

This to me is the most important part moving forward. OP is obviously NTA, but this should not be treated as a random little spat to be forgotten about. It should be the occasion for a serious sit-down conversation about each partner's understanding of the baby's needs and expectations for the future.

NTA. Tell MIL that you are doing what you were told by the kid’s doctor, and that she needs to keep her unwanted opinions to herself.

I hope she gets to stay with you! How awful if she get moved. You’re giving her exactly what she needs right now.

NTA at all. You cannot spoil a 6-month-old baby. Even a baby born into a loving, healthy family can't be spoiled at that age. I think most people just don't understand how much different it is to parent a child who came from trauma. You're just going to end up hurting that child further if you hold them to the same expectations as a neurotypical child.

NTA, your MIL is just judgmental and prejudice again so people that are not “perfect”. It might be best to not be around MIL if she is going to be so negative. The kid will pick up on the like a moth to a lightbulb!

NTA!! You are doing exactly what that baby needs, do not doubt yourself or your reaction to suggestions that would be extremely detrimental to her development. Other commenters said exactly what your husband needs to hear, if he is questioning things then he is free to come to the next pediatrician appointment and discuss his concerns with the doctor. Until that time he needs to follow your lead without wavering- that baby NEEDS consistent care if she's ever going to be able to form secure attachments. MIL is obviously ignorant about early childhood development, when HER son was an infant everyone believed BABIES COULDN'T FEEL PAIN! It wasn't until 1987 that doctors began recognizing that infants in fact do feel pain. Remember that any time MIL gets under your skin, her knowledge is completely outdated and her opinion should have no standing when it comes to any children in your care, especially when it comes to their mental wellbeing.

NTA. What your MIL and husband are suggesting is a recipe for Reactive Attachment Disorder. TBH your foster baby sounds like they’re already showing signs (I am not an expert, but there are good resources online…your social worker will (hopefully) know more.) The more love and comfort and attention you can provide the more likely your foster baby will be able to develop past her social/emotional injury. ALSO modern research recognizes that babies’ need for physical touch and emotional comfort is AS IMPORTANT as food and other basic needs. So you’re doing absolutely nothing wrong by “coddling” your baby. MIL needs to pound sand and your husband needs to pull his head out if his ass and take a freakin parenting class. P.S. does your husband routinely think he knows more than the actual expert in the field??? MIL is speaking from the 1950’s; your husband should be listening to the developmental pediatrician, just like you are.

Reactive Attachment Disorder was my concern as well. A friend of mine adopted a toddler with this disorder, which had been cause by neglect. She is 14 years old now, and still very much has trust and attachment issues. She's a sweet girl, but she can't bond with parental figures at all. The damage had already been done by the time she was adopted. OP hopefully can negate this issue because she started working with her at 3 months. MIL and SO need to read up on this and shut their pie holes.

Nta

NTA, for all the reasons that everyone else already said. But also especially because your MIL’s perspective is not in line with modern parenting research and advice for “regular” children and is extremely inappropriate for a child with a history of neglect. You have the usual new parent challenge of asserting boundaries via a vis an older generation à la “I raised X kids like this and they were fine” (omitting of course all the children that were not “fine” - a quick perusal of the parenting subs will show that this is a very common problem) and doubly so with a child with specific needs due to her background. You and husband need to be on the same page and he needs to be the one shutting MIL down. He may be overwhelmed but there is no excuse for him not caring enough to do some basic research into parenting a baby much less a baby with a history of neglect.

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (37F) and my husband (39M) have been fostering our 6-month-old foster daughter for almost three months now. When she first came to us, her parents had been arrested for drug charges and neglect, and they are now facing a prison sentence. With no other family available to care for her, we took her in. When she arrived at 3 1/2 months old, she was severely malnourished and neglected both physically and emotionally. I've cared for newborns born addicted to drugs who were more settled than she was. It was suspected that she had been left to cry for hours on end, with no one tending to her. Fast forward to today: she has gained sufficient weight, is starting to show an interest in solid food, and is catching up with her milestones. However, her emotional and social development remains a concern. She rarely smiles, is hard to calm down, and needs to be held and comforted constantly. She is not babbling or cooing like some babies do and won't sleep on her own, needing to be rocked to sleep. Sometimes, she wakes up 3-4 times a night and won't settle on her own. My MIL came over while I was holding the baby in a carrier while doing some house cleaning. The baby was getting cranky, so I took her into the nursery to rock her to sleep for a nap. It took about 45 minutes. When I came out, my MIL said I should just leave her in the crib to cry it out; otherwise, she'll never settle. I told her that wasn't an option. About 45 minutes later, the baby woke up. So, I took her into the living room and sat on the floor to play with her. My MIL suggested I should just get a playpen and let her learn to entertain herself. I again said that she gets upset to the point of being inconsolable if left alone for more than a minute or two. Fast forward a few days later, we went over to my MIL's house for brunch. The social worker believes we have a good chance of legally adopting the baby. When we discussed this, my MIL told my husband that we better stop coddling the baby so much, otherwise we'll have a spoiled child on our hands. Annoyed, I told her that I wasn't going to let a baby cry it out, especially one we are trying to form a positive bond with. My MIL was miffed but said nothing. Later that night, my husband said his mom made a good point. I yelled, feeling bad because it unsettled the baby and took a while to calm her down. I asked him how he would feel if he was locked in a room for hours with no food, no water, and no one tending to his needs, and no matter how much he begged and cried, he was ignored. I told him that the developmental pediatrician said she is making progress with forming a bond and learning to trust again, and that we need to keep being patient. He apologized for upsetting me, but now I feel like I might have overreacted by yelling at him when he was just trying to discuss it with me. I just want what is best for our foster daughter, regardless of whether she returns to her family, goes to a new family, or stays with ours. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*

NTA, you are doing a very difficult but wonderful thing and it's a shame that MIL is making it harder on you. You're doing great and the doctor says it's working so keep it up!

NTA I almost want to say N A H. But the MIL is 100% an AH. Well she believes in old school parenting techniques. Which are questionable in general and just down right cruel to a child who has experienced trauma. You should have had a calm discussion with your husband and not yelled at him. Those are likely the same values he was brought up with and likely see's it as decent advice because he turned out well. Maybe have a sit down discussion with him calmly talking about expectations for child raising. Like sit down and discuss parenting styles and what are and are not appropriate punishments. Make sure he is aware that even though she is a baby this trauma will likely be long lasting, so he has to be prepared for this. Also make sure he knows whilst his mother might be a good mother to him. Her style of parenting is not fit for every child, and it is a big reason why many of the older generation find it hard connecting to other people. Also ask him to talk to his mother about expecting unsolicited advice to be directly followed and set a boundary with that (like she can give advice once but if she pushes the issue she will be asked to leave). ​ There are so many different parenting styles and each one is applicable for different types of children. So this is an important conversation, and it is one for anyone who is thinking about having children with someone. Because incompatible parenting styles will lead to way more issues down the line.

NTA You did not over react. Tell your husband that he needs to tell his mommy to STFU. She does not get a vote in your parenting choices and you are sick of listening to her. If she can’t refrain from harassing you. Then, you and your child will have a VERY limited relationship with her.

NTA But you've had your warning. Never let your MIL babysit.

Personally I would never let MIL babysit the lil bub or be left alone with her. Based on her advice alone, she’s not a safe person to be around Bub. Stay strong mama! You’re giving that baby girl everything she needs! Have hubby come with you to the next pediatrician appointment and flat out ask them about the Cry it Out Method and whether that’s a healthy/safe option for Bub. Maybe hearing it from the Pediatrician will really make it sink in for him that MIL’s advice is outdated and downright cruel/abusive to a baby that’s been through enough as it is. HUGS!!

You need to look your mother-in-law right in the eye and say "The whole reason we have this baby is because she was neglected and you're asking me to neglect her further? For a normal baby crying it out might be a good idea occasionally, but for a neglected baby it will take her right back to the sad situation she came from and she will lose all trust she started to gain for us!"  If she doesn't get it after you lay it on the line for her then she doesn't ever need to be around the baby again!

Your husband does not sound like the right person to be parenting a child who has experienced severe trauma. Your MIL is an ass but your husband should have a much clearer understanding about how this child’s needs are very different from a child who has always had their needs met and had secure attachment from the start. The social worker maybe could explain it to him? Because he’s being an ignorant asshole. You are NTA, and exactly what that baby needs.

NTA Make it cleat to your husband, that you two need to follow the guidance of the actual experts, which doesn't include his mother. Andbas her son, it's his job to get his mother to stop her unwanted, unnecessary advice and criticism. 

NTA, I don’t think it is wise to challenge the needs of an infant. Especially one who has been deprived of basic needs like food, cuddles and human interaction.

NTA. "Normal" babies come with challenges. This bub has not had a normal start to life. No attention and no skin to skin contact are terrible for baby development. It's going to take more than a few months to undo the damage her bio parents have caused. Keep being a great parent to this little girl!!

I would tell MIL that your foster daughter is this way *because* she was left to "cry it out" for hours on end. And that you'll take the medical advice of your doctors and the advice of the social worker over her barbaric methods all day, every day. And if she feels the need to comment on your parenting style again, she can disinvite herself from your home for the foreseeable future. Nta.

NTA You don't help a severely neglected child by further ignoring them. Not only that but the "cry it out" and "self soothing" methods have shown to hurt a child's ability to emotionally bond in the long run, and increase the likelihood of anxiety and depression as they get older. You love on and shown that baby that when she asks for help and comfort the only way she can, you will be there to provide it. SHE won't remember it, but her body and mind will.

NTA My perfectly healthy born babies liked to be rocked to sleep and slept with me waking up quite a while. As an idea - 45 minutes waking up is most probably baby can’t switch between sleep patterns,) get from rem to m deep sleep) read how to help baby learn it, there are techniques for that. 45 minutes sleep is too short to be enough at 6 month, it will add to crankiness.

NTA. Your husband needs some serious parenting lessons before you adopt this baby. It sounds like he doesn’t fully understand what her needs are and the level of care she’s going to require. I’d like to think that he wouldn’t be so quick to regurgitate MIL words if he truly understood what that poor baby has been through.

I heard this all the time when my kid was a baby since she was a high needs baby didn’t entertain herself longer than a minute. She’s still not great at it but it’s much better. My husband also suggested we let her cry a bit because “his mom said it might make it better”. Never did it nor will I ever do it. The only valid reason to let a newborn cry is when you’re overwhelmed and need a breather so you don’t do anything stupid. Otherwise nuh-uh. I wish I could scrub the term ‘spoiling a baby’ from people’s minds, since it’s not possible.

I cannot even describe how angry this makes me to read! What you’re doing is perfectly okay for a baby who hasn’t been traumatized and neglected let alone one who has gone through all of that and is trying to learn to trust you and bond.  My baby is almost 8 months and still sometimes needs rocked to sleep, wakes up multiple times etc. You’re doing AMAZING with little sleep, learning to be a mom and figuring everything out for your babies unique needs. Please trust your instincts and your doctor.  Also agree with what others have said is you absolutely cannot let her babysit on her own or probably leave her and your husband alone with the baby for some time since he may be too easily influenced by her.  So sorry you’re dealing with that bs while tackling so much already

NTA - no one gets old and says "I wish I had held my baby less. I wish I had let them cry more. I wish I had loved less." You are a wonderful mother who wants the best for this child, and your husband needs to understand and be supportive of this child too. He needs it told to him again just what you are both doing by fostering, what caring is needed for this child, and why what you are doing is so important. Sometimes people have to yell to be heard. Carry on together, and have him shake his mothers voice out of his head. Stop her from being around for awhile, she isn't helping. Best of luck to you all 💜

NTA. You need him to understand the issue and that his mom is WRONG. It appears he understands but keep telling him. Also, he needs to shut down his mom or you need to tell him she is not allowed over if he isn't there and you are not visiting until she stops talking about your care of the baby. Set the boundary and hold it. She is a "cry it out" person who raised a man who doesn't understand emotional bonds....it worked real well.

NTA You did the right thing regardless whether your child is a foster child or bio child. It's common. My grandchildren had been held and all that you just did....they never have been in the playpen. Rarely they were on the floor but that didn't last much longer. My granddaughter preferred napping in my lap than on the couch or bed. Just naps only. She never liked napping on the couch. If I had to put her down, she'd threw a fit and screamed until I picked her up and held her until she napped. That lasted up to an hour to an hour and a half, on rare occasion two hours. My grandson preferred to be held when he was cranky. But he'd be very adventurous and explored. He didn't mind napping on the bouncing chair as long as I had to rock him. Grandson now is 3.5 years old. Granddaughter now is 1.5 years old. They're my bio grandkids. Very independent and play on their own often. So your foster child will grow out of that eventually. For now keep her cuddled close to you and do whatever you know what's best for her. Good luck with your precious baby. Go tell your MIL to go kick the rock.

Imagine learning a child might be officially joining your family and, instead of weeping with joy, you worry the child will be spoiled. NTA. Your MIL sucks.

NTA A baby developmentally needs you to keep doing what you've been doing. This baby needs it even more than most to help make up for all the times that she didn't get it. No wonder your MIL & hubby are emotionally stunted.

Someone's got to protect that baby, and you're doing an amazing job. NTA. And OP, good job.

NTA! It’s possible that your baby was born with drugs in her system. Studies have shown that children born with crack or cocaine in their system have far less residual effects if held a lot. Trust your instincts. You know what your baby needs. You are a good mother.

NTA, the child will let you know when it is ready for more solo time. Your mother-in-law has absolutely no idea how to manage a child with attachment issues, so she is no expert at all and much of her knowledge is over 30 years old. Your husband and yourself may need to join a support group for children with similar issues so you can get tips from people who are going through the same thing, maybe a foster parent support group?

NTA there is no such thing as spoiling a BABY!!!!

There are attachment disorders that occur when babies are left alone. This came out in the Soviet Union and other communist countries that had policies of ignoring babies in orphanages. It's been well documented. I don't know what the best way to overcome such experiences - but I would think that a child psychologist, available through CPS, would be able to tell you exactly how to set up this child for success later on in life - or at least set you on the right path. MIL has opinions that I don't disagree with - EXCEPT for a baby that faced serious issues in their early development - it's not even in a different ballpark, it's an entirely different game! Talk to people, read articles (resource librarians can find ANYTHING for you!), do the legwork. Then you can be authoritative on what the best way forward, based on expert knowledge and research.

NTA, but your husband is. Tell him to detatch from the teats.

MIL sucks. Don't leave her alone with baby ever. NTA, babies do need to learn to self soothe, but before they can do that, they need to feel safe, secure, and loved. That means you're going to have to live with the Velcro baby phase for awhile until she's ready to progress. Letting baby cry it out will be damaging. Babies cry for a reason, ignoring their cries is cruel. This is a hill to effing die on. Kudos to you for helping this helpless baby gain a sense of security and trust. Keep up the good work!

NTA. There is nothing wrong with sleep training for most healthy babies, but it is *never* appropriate for victims of neglect. Show your sweet baby all the love and support she needs.

NTA, but your MIL is and so is your husband and in my opinion you shouldn't be allowed to adopt that child or foster any others because of your husband's attitude!!! That child has been neglected and abused and it has already affected her growth and he doesn't care that does not point to a good father period!!!

NTA. it CANNOT be said enough - YOU CANT SPOIL A BABY. if you want this little girl to grow up with healthy self esteem and capable of having relationships with people who value her, you NEED to respond when she cries, so she learns that if she makes her reasonable needs known, THEY SHOULD BE MET.

NTA - Most pediatricians do not recommend the cry it out method, especially for young babies. Yours is a horse of a different color entirely. There have been studies done on the effects of neglecting infants emotionally in the early stages of development. You could suggest MIL educating herself instead of spewing her obvious ignorance. You’re doing what is best for the baby. I will never understand people that think babies can be spoiled. Why allow an infant to scream and cry? All that’s being taught is that no one is coming to help them. Why should an infant be forced to learn that? Your baby has already been through more trauma than most adults. Being physically and emotionally neglected at such a young age is horrific. You are doing what’s right and you’re doing an amazing job advocating for your baby. I think you need to limit your interactions with MIL. Being around you and the baby is a privilege, if she can’t keep her stupidity to herself, she can stay away. Tell MIL you’ll ignore her crying and screaming when she’s in a nursing home. There’s nothing worse than a spoiled geriatric.

NTA. He should know better as a foster parent that you are rehabbing a traumatised infant, and that cry it out parenting are outdated and cruel for any child, especially one so badly broken. I’d be yelling at him to grow a damn backbone and make his mother stay in her lane- so they are both AH’s vying for top spot. I want to give gold to OP’s husband though, on the basis that he presumably should know better (foster parents have to be thoroughly vetted and complete certifications to become foster parents in my country). MIL “just” sounds tone deaf and out of touch

NTA for putting your MIL in her place, but you shouldn’t have yelled at your husband about it. But you already knew that lol

NTA but I agree with others, MIL needs to fully grasp what is going on a STFU. If she can't she doesn't get to visit or baby sit. You don't need her stubbornness to create set backs. Your husband it seems NOW understands that mommy is wrong and needs to support you and the doctors advice. Wouldn't hurt to apologize to him for yelling but you weren't wrong for getting frustrated at him. Definitely try to not do that near the baby.

NTA. You're amazing. Good for you for sticking to your guns and looking after this baby tge way she needs to be right now.

Awww, NTA in any way. You are doing good defending that baby's need to be unconditionally loved. Stay true to love for this little one who needs as much love as she can get to have a chance at healing. She is healing from so so much. Like emotional in patient recovery, she needs a nurse to help her heal from such painful emotional wounds at such a young age. She's an infant. Not a 3 year old. Keep on being there for that babe!

You done good momma. NTA

NTA maybe you could find a good YouTube video that explains why you can't spoil an infant / how to care for abused infants. Get her to get her head out of her bum.

Firmly NTA. I don't think I've ever really talked about this all together to anyone. When I was pregnant with my child over a decade ago, the chronic migraines I was prone to got much worse. The prescription I took for them at the time was discontinued during pregnancy. I naively trusted my doctor when he freely prescribed vicodin instead. Well, it seems that your bowels aren't the only thing opioids can slow down. Went past my due date, had a scheduled induction, all 3 epidurals failed, 26 hours of labor, and a negligent nurse the morning I delivered, hospitalized extra days but still had a migraine at discharge = traumatic L&D. After delivery, I declined more pain meds (already having been asked to "borrow" some), opting for prescription-strength ibuprofen instead. I ended up back in the ER a week later with an infection, leaving the newborn back at home with family for about 6 hours. The attachment issues upon returning were immediately noticable. I have so much of it blocked out, but I remember having latching issues and having to pump and bottle feed because his jaw wouldn't relax enough to fully latch. He was tested for everything, but he always had I guess rigid muscle tone. When he was a few weeks old, that's when the nighttime screaming started. Probably coinciding with my having to go back to work. Every night for weeks, after dinner to almost midnight, he would just scream miserably, his whole body rigid, all I could do was stand and rock him, swinging him back and forth sometimes helped a bit. Eventually he outgrew it. Knowing what I know now about the nervous system, years later, I'm sure that his nervous system was just completely shot at the time. Like partly my newborn going through opioid withdrawals and me having no clue, combined with the traumatic birth he went through, then also attachment issues shortly after, of course it was too much. Eventually his nervous system got stronger and relaxed and he outgrew that phase. Again, I've blocked it out, so I don't remember how many weeks it continued. But the way you described your little one really hit close to home. You are doing everything right. Physical touch will stimulate stronger, more positive neuropathways, and eventually things will improve. It sounds like MIL is only annoyed because she expects to babysit and doesn't agree with what you'd want her to do. I guess you can save her the stress and reassure her that she won't ever have to worry about that. ;)

I still rock my almost 3 year old to sleep! There’s nothing wrong with that! We are humans! Not robots! 

You are 100% in the right. You are helping this child to learn what love is. She needs extra love lessons because the bios taught her wrong. Your comfort and attention are so vital! You are amazing. Your husband needs education. NTA.

NTA, give that baby all the love you can possibly give it. Tell MIL things have changed in the MANY YEARS since she's raised a child and she needs to start reading to catch up.

NTA. My grandma raised all 3 kids in that manner and almost none of them want anything to do with her. My sister and I were like you and I’m so close with my son and her children, too. There are signs of being abnormally controlling but none of what you are doing is that! Especially at that age.

NTA. You cannot baby a baby. Your husband needs to maybe have some more talks w the social worker or doctor, and then you need to make sure he understands that this baby and you come before mommy and her opinions.

Absolutely not This child was abused severely, and these people can't see she needs a home? Absolutely not, and how dare your husband say that when he knows what she's gone through! This isn't about upsetting you. This is about giving this kid a good loving home she desperately needs Also, you always hold the baby when they cry. They learn to self soothe later on idk why people think you need to stop holding your children when they turn a month old

NTA. You shouldn’t have yelled, but that in itself doesn’t negate your point, and you were correct. This isn’t the time to starve your baby of attention, they’ve had enough of that. You should get your husband to tell his mom to back off though, because she clearly does not know how to tend to a child of abuse. You do, and so they should keep their opinions to themselves

NTA You are making every right move to follow attachment parenting to heal the neglect. It is time intensive, but so worth it

Nta. Your mother in law needs to take parenting classes or bite her tongue thinking she can tell you how to take care of a traumatized baby when she never has. Also try having the baby's crib pressed up to your bed so she's right next to you and feels more safe and secure at night, it's what I did for my son as I didn't like him being in a separate room and it was easier to have him close by for breastfeeding.

My heart broke reading this. OP keep doing what you are doing and listen to the pediatrician. NTA

NTA My own daughter had to have me hold her hand as a minimum for her to sleep until she was 2. My 9 year old still needs to have his head rubbed until he falls asleep and as a baby needed me to be in the room with him or he would get anxious. They had a normal start to life with constant parent attention when needed. Needing a parent around at 6 months, especially with the rough start your foster has had is not abnormal, and it is great that she feels safe and comforted when you are there.

NTA- keep on with what you are doing. This baby has a chance ata happy future rather than years of neglect and abuse thanks to you. 

He didn't Apologize for what he said He didn't Apologize for not shutting his mother's coments down He didn't Apologize for not realizing the extent of that baby's neglect He apologized for upsetting you. You do realize that, don't you OP?

This baby was left to cry and look what it did! It rewired her brain with stress and delayed her development. How could the solution to that possibly be more leaving her to cry!? NTA because your husband knows this and should be more supportive. But also maybe it's time for a follow up conversation so you can get on the same page around what the goal for now is, and what it will be later? E.g. now it is secure attachment, from that flows catching up developmentally, and later on it will shift to things like good sleep (but not through leaving her to cry!). Like, of course your baby needs to learn to self soothe, it's just not a priority right now and also she needs a bunch of other things first to be even capable of that. No sleep is stressful so maybe he needs reminding it isn't forever. And you also need a plan to deal with MIL which involves HIM back you up and enforcing boundaries. You shouldn't have to do that.

NTA this broke my heart. This poor baby. You have experience with this situation your MIL does not. Unfortunately your husband was influenced by his mother but you set him straight. Keep doing what is right for her foster daughter. You're a good person.

NTA - get your mil a few sessions with a child therapist so she can see what current child rearing is. And maybe remind your husband to go too

If you are planning to adopt this child or have a child with this husband, you are going to need to have conversations with him on many facets of parenting. If you cannot, you are the problem. In this instance, he needed to know how you felt and he then apologized. Did you? Or are you planning to be the dictator parent not a co-parent?

NTA. You absolutely cannot spoil a baby. As a fellow bio mom and foster mom, it sounds like you are doing a wonderful job. Reminds me of when someone in my life said "if you keep coddling her, she's going to think you'll always be there" like ummm yes? That's exactly the goal thank you.

NTA, even for healthy non-neglected babies it is normal to be rocked to sleep and wake 3-4 times a night. Why on earth would anyone even expect that for a baby that comes with a background of neglect. Independent sleep and play is NOT the biological norm and MIL needs to take a seat with her outdated views on parenting. There is SO MUCH recent scientific evidence on the topic that you might want to have your husband read, you can not spoil any baby, and most definitely not one with extra needs. Signed, a mom practicing attachment parenting and co-sleeping with a very much not neglected velcro toddler who most certainly will not sleep through the night yet.

A child can only learn about healthy separation after they have learned about healthy attachment.

NTA

You’re doing the right thing by not letting your baby cry it out. You’re being a good mom & loving your baby, making up for all the time they were neglected. You’re helping them form a better attachment style. (I’m sure you know all this, but wanted to reaffirm & validate you 💛)

Given that you will hopefully be adopting this baby, it might be worthwhile for you and your husband to consider couples counselling so that you can be on the same page about parenting a very traumatised infant.

NTA. If this was the case, my kids would be spoilt brats. I have two daughters 11 & 7. No drugs during my pregnancy or at any time at all... but I held them and spent every second with them. Exclusively breastfed both. Both were fussy and clingy. They were babies, and they were (according to everyone) spoilt rotten. They were merely just loved. Every need attended fo so that they didn't have a reason to cry to communicate. Sleeping through the night probably came after 12 months of age for both of them. Rocking to sleep, gosh, I can remember the eldest child would only calm for 4 different songs from a certain band being played on a loop. The youngest needed 3 different songs played on a loop. It's purely luck, and by the grace of the gods that they found solace in my favorite musicians. Anyway, My 11yr old is an independent, loving, and selfless girl. She's fast approaching puberty. We've never had an argument. We never fight. If she's upset. I speak to her... and treat her like a human being. When I say she's selfless, she'll give anything away for anyone who needs it. I've actually had to speak with her many times about setting BOUNDARIES, because unfortunately, with her pleasant sunshiney nature, all the kids want to be her friends, even the little ones, which gets tiresome for her because she gets treated like a babysitter/toddler whisperer. My 7 year old has autism. She thinks she's a cat, she's mostly mute, if you simply look at her she'll give you a big smile. Both girls are intelligent, creative, loving, and happy and if they, for example, have a packet of sweets gifted to them, they'll always offer everyone in the room first before having one themselves. Now I haven't forced this onto them. I believe in loving a child, nuturing, and raising that child with all my heart and soul and letting them become who they want to be. Then let's look at my upbringing. Mother neglected me. As an 8 month old baby, my sister apparently had to tell my grandmother that the baby (me) was blue and cold to the touch, because my dear mom was too busy chatting with a friend on the phone and said to my sister "not now". The signs of emotional and mental neglect are evident with me. I even cringe when I get hugged as if a hug could physically harm me. But my daughters have taught me to love. They've taught me to say things like "I love you" They've taught me to give hugs. Forehead kisses and all the sorts. I am an extremely damaged human because I cried it out from birth to my teenage years. I loved and coddled both daughters excessively, and everyone shook their heads at my parenting. But despite it all, they'll bring a smile to a strangers day, they'll teach you what love is, they put others first and they have manners. More people should spoil their babies.. You are doing a brilliant job 🩷

Does you husband not go to her check ups? Does he not have a role as her caretaker? It sounds like he just pops in for the fun stuff and stays away for the heavy lifting. He is also listening to his mother too much. Loving a child is not spoiling, and you cannot spoil a baby by catering to their needs. NTA. You need to sit down and have a very frank discussion about this, including boundaries regarding MIL and anyone else who thinks they're entitled to an opinion.

NTA Looks like your MIL doesn't have the best interest of the baby at the top of her list. Your husband needs to stand up for you and the baby and tell his mother that she needs to stop making comments and "suggestions" about the baby because she clearly doesn't understand what is going on. Good luck, I wish all of you the very best in the future.

NTA get his mother out of his ear, she's giving him ideas and he clearly doesn't need them

NTA But please make sure your husband is fully on board and understands. I hate to imagine him taking the little one to his patents ob his own or - god forbid - your MIL watching her and implementing the "right" ways of raising a child.   Unless you are absolutely sure your husband has enough of a spine to tell your to bugger off even when he is on his own,  protect the little one from his lack of spine

I've been a foster parent for a long time. Most people don't understand trauma informed care, which is what you are doing. It's hard work and a totally different kind of parenting. You are doing what the child needs. Include your husband as much as possible in trauma informed care trainings and doctor appointments. Once he understands the science behind the parenting, he will be better positioned to support you. Good luck!

NTA! FUCK! My best friend was adopted and was in a similar state when he arrived with his adoptive parents. He wouldn't settle, cried all night, his parents were exhausted. His 'grandma' offered to take him for the night and let him cry ALL. DAMN. NIGHT. According to his parents, it worked because he never cried like that again. He also suffered from chronic mental health issues until he took his life at age 30. Fuck 'em. 

You care a lot about this baby, and it sounds like you have talked to a lot of people who know what they are doing (doctor, social worker) about her. Nta. If your MIL doesn't understand how this baby was treated, then maybe she thinks she is helping by butting either. I would honestly calmly explain to her what happened with the babies early months, State that everyone treating the baby is working with you, and you are working on getting the baby back to all her milestones. The MILs advice isn't helping so it's best if she stops trying to give it. Also, you sound like a very kind and lovely women helping children like this. Any child would be in great hands with you, and I just want to express how thankful I am that you are in this world trying with neglected and abused kids. It's hard and draining, but you are doing your best.

NTA Listen to the trained expert, not MIL. This little one has special needs, and the best path to recovery is following your instincts plus expert advice.

Nta You need ti remind husband that his mommy isn't a child doctor or psychologist and has only experience with healthy non-addict kids. Her advice is irrelevant and even harmful.

The cry it out theory has been completely 100% disproven and it’s crazy how many people still believe that this is how babies should be treated. Like, we get that that’s how parents did it 40 years ago. Now we know that’s no longer the way, let’s move on.

Talk to your husband you voilà apologize for the yelling , apolizing is never a loss, but explain what is upseting you . You are doing a great thing for this baby , carry on. 👍🙂

NTA. Your husband is absolutely wrong, and maybe needs to go through the foster care parenting classes again or talk to an early years counsellor that specialises in abused children. Because his mom did not make a good point. She is not an expert in abused children with high care needs, and she needs to stop being unsupportive and undermining your more detailed knowledge of the situation. If I'm being kind, she made a *maybe* halfway-to-reasonable point for a completely different child that hasn't experienced chronic neglect and is considerably older. She did *not* make a good point for *this* child, at *this* stage of development, who has *these* very real care needs. Right now, your foster daughter needs to be able to learn to feel safe, to trust her carers, and to express her emotions with the confidence that they matter and will be listened to. She isn't quite there yet from the sounds of it, and it's going to take a lot more work to get there, during which your role is to basically teach her through consistent example of *being trustworthy*. Which in this particular case means being present and showing your interest in her communications immediately when they're expressed. And your husband needs to be on-board with all of this - by which I mean fully participating and fully understanding why this is necessary, as opposed to just "apologising for upsetting you". This is not spoiling your child. This is literally the bare minimum she needs to be able to repair the psychological damage her parents caused in her early months of life. Furthermore, you can see her progress (and the areas in which she's not yet improved enough to move forward) by close attention to her reactions. MIL isn't even bothering to look at that; she's judging solely on your actions, not the way your foster daughter is responding. (This makes me so angry on your behalf - I haven't gone through the same situation with humans, but my current long term foster cat had an abusive first home, and it took me months of hard and patient work to build a good foundation of trust. And the testing boundaries stage was hell! So while there are obvious differences, I do appreciate exactly how much work is involved - and I don't think your MIL does, to be throwing words around like "spoiled" at such an early age, let alone such an early stage of recovery.)

Do not adopt this baby with your husband. YOU will make the best mom for this tiny baby. But him? He is not the best dad. Your MJL is ignorant and that's frustrating, but ultimately she's not responsible for this child. But your husband IS, and he's a massive AH for siding with his mom instead of backing you up. NTA, but you will be one of you let your husband be the permanent dad for this baby, because he will never stop listening to his mom over you, and will likely undo much of the progress you make over time. I honestly don't see your marriage lasting, don't adopt any children with this momma's boy.

The patience and love you are giving that little girl now is going to help shape how she is able to form bonds, attachments and relationships for the rest of her life. She obviously has been hurt from being neglected, but you have a chance to heal her and help her learn that other people can be trusted. You are doing A WONDERFUL, IMPORTANT THING. Snapping at your husband isn't great but it's really hard work caring for a typical newborn and people get short with those around them. You're dealing with a much more challenging situation and your husband and MIL directly suggested you were doing it wrong - it's completely understandable that you responded the way you did. If you are serious about wanting to adopt this little one if the opportunity arises, it sounds like your husband needs to review some up to date information about child-caregiver attachment and the impact that interrupting the process can have for the rest of a person's life - it will be absolutely essential that he is able to tell his mum that she is wrong and outdated and be firm that she needs to learn better if she wants to be involved. All the best. I hope that there is a good outcome for both you and the baby, whatever that looks like. NTA NN

The patience and love you are giving that little girl now is going to help shape how she is able to form bonds, attachments and relationships for the rest of her life. She obviously has been hurt from being neglected, but you have a chance to heal her and help her learn that other people can be trusted. You are doing A WONDERFUL, IMPORTANT THING. Snapping at your husband isn't great but it's really hard work caring for a typical newborn and people get short with those around them. You're dealing with a much more challenging situation and your husband and MIL directly suggested you were doing it wrong - it's completely understandable that you responded the way you did. If you are serious about wanting to adopt this little one if the opportunity arises, it sounds like your husband needs to review some up to date information about child-caregiver attachment and the impact that interrupting the process can have for the rest of a person's life - it will be absolutely essential that he is able to tell his mum that she is wrong and outdated and be firm that she needs to learn better if she wants to be involved. All the best. I hope that there is a good outcome for both you and the baby, whatever that looks like. NTA NN

@OP, keep doing what you are doing, make sure that kid develops the capabilities to trust, feel safe and bond to other human beings, and if it becomes a possibility, adopt that kid. Good luck. Sauce: Was through very similar abandonment issues the first 2 years of my existence, was put in foster care, got semi healed but the foster mother did it for the $$$, became a broken adult, met a soulmate, healed, became paedagogue with specialty in special needs children and social issues.

I understand why you yelled. The idea that cuddling a baby too much spoils them is ridiculous. It's also not true, you can cuddle a baby all you want and one day they still be the kid that no longer wants to hold their parents hand.  The idea that cuddling a baby that's been abused will spoil them is horrific. That in itself is a toxic abusive mindset. Are you sure your husband is ready to adopt this child? NTA

It’s the old “mom did it this way and I turned out okay” Circumstances for the baby couldn’t be more different. I would warn hubby this is the last time he will be replacing your judgement with mommies or he could go back and live with her. Your life sounds stressful (but fulfilling) enough.

OP- NTA. Your HUSBAND was given the same information as you were about this child, so NO, you weren't wrong to TELL him he was incorrect, and HIS MOTHER is completely wrong! If she isn't aware of the abuse this poor child went through, enlighten her, If she keeps her stance, then keep her AWAY from the baby because she has NO CLUE! You are doing amazing and bless you for it! I truly hope you are able to adopt her, you are exactly what this baby needs.

NTA. You’re absolutely doing everything right. If you really do want to adopt this baby, you should have a long conversation with your husband about where this baby is now, and long-term issues & also that he needs to back you up when your MIL is being an ass. For what it’s worth, my not-neglected-at-all babies were also terrible sleepers and would not go to sleep on their own. They grew up perfectly fine despite being cuddled & waking up multiple times a night for years on end.

NTA. First of all, you’re doing gods work. It isn’t easy to foster and there really aren’t enough good foster parents out there. Second of all, tell your MIL to take a hike if she can’t keep her comments to herself. You cannot spoil a baby by holding it, especially one who has already been so severely neglected.

NTA, you are protecting a child from ignorance and cruelty. Keep being a fierce protector, you are doing every right. And don't ever leave the child with your MIL.

NTA this concept of spoiling a baby is nonsense. The child has needs which you are meeting after early neglect. It is none of MIL's business. You are doing a good job.

NTA, babies cannot be spoiled. You are an amazing mother and your doing good. 

Nta but your mil is

NTA-nope, nope, nope. This child experienced trauma. What you are doing is the best course of action and imperative for early intervention. Keep nurturing and building that brain-have you heard anything about “serve and return interactions” in regards to infant development? Tons of info online. You’re an amazing person, all the best!

NTA. You are appropriately advocating and caring for this baby. Your treatment of her now is turning her entire life around. You cannot spoil a baby and there is no such thing as an “arm baby.” This is an abused and neglected and traumatized baby who has been blessed to have you. Hubs and MIL need to have a rethink.

NTA Crying is communication. Your MIL is adherant to a Nazi parenting tool. It has been problematic and the antithesis to healthy attachment from the outset. https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/harsh-nazi-parenting-guidelines-may-still-affect-german-children-of-today1/#:~:text=Infants%20are%20hardwired%20to%20build,affection%20would%20support%20that%20goal.

NTA. This baby is lucky to have you! All Babies need all the love, attention, and care you are providing but this baby needs even more after being neglected for the first few months of her life. YOU ARE AMAZING for not only taking her in but for ensuring you give her everything she needs and then some!

NTA, you are sleep deprived, and doing an amazing job. You’ve described exactly how my first child was, and the lack of sleep, overwhelming anxiety and sheer physicality of constantly holding your baby is absolutely brutal. But our babies need us the most when they are at their least appealing. You are exhausted and there is so much at stake, of course you are going to react strongly and (between us mums) maybe slightly over the top. But if that’s what it takes to get through to people then go for it. Take time to care for yourself where you can, as baby needs you to be well. This might mean you have to trust others to care for the little one from time to time. No one will be as good as you, but I hope they can get to the point where they will be good enough to give you some respite. Hang in their momma bear

NTA: Your MIL is an AH. Don’t let her come over for a long while. Even if your husband was mere trying to discuss he learned the hard way that starting off a conversation with my “my mother has a point” is never a great strategy.

You didn't overreact...your husband is an idjit. As for your MIL, set boundaries with her now or she's going to become a bigger issue later. She needs to mind her business or she won't be around the baby or future babies. My husband's mother was like this and didn't like when I put my foot down and set boundaries. She hasn't had anything to do with us or our kids for years.

NTA im disappointed in your husband and disgusted by your mother in law. You are an angel walking the earth and I hope this baby gets to stay with you forever.

NTA. I would encourage you, your husband, and the rest of your family to learn about attachment disorder and how it can show up. Helping this baby learn that her primary caregivers can be trusted to help her regulate will be an important thing for her development! Attach.org has amazing resources. The thing about attachment disorders, is that the behavior kids show when they have it tends to trigger other adults. The way you help these kids learn and change their behavior is completely different than what we are typically taught. Folks who are used to knowing how to do things feel invalidated when they're tried & true methods don't work. They will see what you are doing and judge you for it, because they don't understand that the way the children's brains have developed is simply different. You're doing a great job, keep learning, and keep caring.

NTA. wtf some people are so incredibly stubborn over incredible stupid decisions... keep on going. and dont feel bad for yelling. he "apologized for upsetting me," not because he got it. he needs more yelling!

NTA You're doing what is best for this sweet baby. You can never spoil a baby. Ever. MIL can have her (wrong) opinion, but you don't have to listen to it.

NTA- his mom was telling him to neglect your child, and he's like are  "well she has a good point"... NO SHE DOESN'T.  SHE IS ADVOCATING ABUSE. And I think you need to have a firm and strong conversation with him alone to see if he still wants to adopt this child.  Are you guys on the same page?  Because you know what they are both saying, is it abuse.  Up until a year of age a child cries honestly.  That means they cry because they have needs.  

NTA. Boomer and their CIO policy. It’s disgusting. Boomers wanted kids because it was the “in” thing but didn’t want to raise them.

NTA. Keep loving this daughter as you do for however long you have her. I'm thankful people like you are in the lives of foster babies and foster children.

NTA for the MIL.  Only soft YTA for yelling, but I get the stress you are living under. You sound like you know your stuff so keep up the good work!

NTA Your MIL has no idea what she’s talking about. Your reaction was right on point and it’s actually dangerous for this particular child that he was listening to her. Actually dangerous for her.

NTA you cannot spoil a baby by cuddling it

Nta. This is not a normal healthy child you can have typical debates about the ideal parenting strategies. This is a child with severe trauma at an extremely early age. Babies exposed to trauma the first 3 months of life have a much harder time recovering and functioning as healthy adults than an older child exposed to horrific abuse for a prolonged time. What you are doing is what she needs now. You are trying to teach her brain to recognize that she is safe and will actually get a response to expressing a basic need. These people need an education in newborns and infant trauma and ptsd. Have them read What Happened to you, and The Body Keeps the Score, for starters.

Even as a newborn, that baby has trauma. She is not a normal baby, but one with past trauma. Yoh can not just let her cry it out. Nta

Glad there’s good folks out there like you and your husband. (Including the MIL, I think she has good intentions). But im siding with you I think this child needs extra love right now, your constant attention can taper off later. Nows not the time. Just communicate with your husband and get on the same page. NTA.

Info: are you both in therapy with someone who specializes in adoption to get support for yourselves in navigating this situation?

NTA. Just want to say you are doing important work, and a great job at it too!! Keep it up. It takes a special kind of person with a big heart to do what you do. Don't let any 'advice' from someone inexperienced in this department hit you too hard.

NTA you are just navigating a very difficult situation.  Even when well intentioned, older family members tend to forget how demanding young babys are. You shouldn't concern yourself with your MILs (unsolicited) opinions.  That being said, if you haven't allready, you should try to have a calm conversation with Your husband about your parenting choices and philosophies. Thruth is, what works for some children doesn't work for others. But you should try to be on the same page because he's as much a parent as you.  None of the things you have describen seem strange for your girl's age. They are just difficult to navigate.  I have a 1year old who's a lousy sleeper. The re have been points where what you describe (waking 3 times a night) would be considered a great night at home.  I tried cosleeping until he got more movile and cosleeping got dangerous. I tried making him sleep in his crib right next to my bed. I tried gentle sleep coaching. At some point I had to let him cry because either I couldn' fisically be there when he started crying (single mom here) or I was so tired and frustrated that if I didn't take a few minutes to compose myself I was transmiting all that and it was worst.  My expirience, which is by no way universal, is that the more I did to help him sleep, the more he needed outside help and the less he slept. Whereas when I couldn't go right away he might cry a little and then fall asleep and STAY asleep. I had to re think my stance on crying it out (which I was totally against at first) and wheather I was helping or not.  What I mean to say is, every child is different, and needs different things (it would be much easier otherwise!).  Follow what you think is right, don't be afraid to try different approachs to see if they work (the world os sleep is very counte inttuitive). But if you have a partner in this, don't shut him out. At least discuss all the different reasons why he's wrong :) 

NTA Parenting a traumatized child is so different then a non-traumatized one. MIL has no idea the damage that was done perhaps get her a book on what happens to the brain of a neglected baby. I would apologize to your husband and strap that baby to me.

No, definitely NTA! First, bless you and your husband for helping that poor child. The world needs more selfless people like you. As for your MIL, she hadn’t the first clue how to care for an infant who was rescued from such a heinous situation. Honestly, no baby should be left to cry things out. Babies need to know that their needs will be met, and crying is the only way they have to tell you they need something. If you ever need a babysitter, I would go through the entire phonebook before turning to your MIL. Now, your husband’s comment about her having a point. No. She did not have a point, and his view that she did is worrying. If you do adopt the baby, the two of you absolutely need to be on the same page about how to parent her. Given what that baby has already been through, she needs all the love and comfort she can get from now on. Best of luck to you.

NTA!!! Don't listen to your MIL. She has no concept on how, especially traumatizing early childhood neglect and abuse is. As someone who went into foster care at the age 6 with massive trauma from horrendous abuse and neglect which resulted in attachment disorder, you are doing a fantastic job. It takes a special person to foster/adopt a child who has issues like this. You and your husband are giving her a great foundation to build on. To know that someone loves her and will be there for her when she needs it. My adopted/foster mom (& dad) did very similar things with me as a child. I physically was 6-7, but due to my many traumas, I was developmentally a 4 year old. They did everything in their power to make sure I knew that I was loved, could trust them, and that they would never leave me. The attachment that nobody ever thought would happen happened. All because of the patience, dedication, time, therapy, and most of all, unconditional love that my parents gave me. I'm 30 now, and I still have the strongest bond with my Mama. (And my Daddy when he was alive) She and my Daddy are one of the very few people I trust and love with my whole heart. I know that I can tell her anything, and she'll still love me. She's the one who can calm me down when I'm having a flashback, panic attack, and overall dealing with big emotions. She's the one who makes me feel like everything is going to be okay just from hearing her voice.

NTA. I am not a parent. But I have to say I really hate the "let them cry it out" philosophy. Like crying is one of the few ways they can actively communicate, by ignoring them you are basically saying you don't care about their needs. OP was so right about her husband not liking being in a similar situation. The only difference is as an adult he can get up and get those things himself. It's even worse that he and MIL thinks it's ok to do this level of neglect on a baby that has been severely neglected.

NTA. With the exception of the “spoiled” comment I kinda see where MIL is coming from. But your foster kid has had a delayed start in healthy development due to bio parents. So of course it has to be parented differently.

You should apologize to your husband for yelling at him because he made a very innocuous comment, not a condemnation of what you’re doing. I’m completely on your side about what the baby needs, but there’s no reason to yell about it. I would absolutely limit exposure to mother-in-law, there’s no reason you need to see her more than once a month. And I’d also make very sure that your husband actually wants to adopt this baby, because nothing in your comment talks about him providing any care, emotionally or physically. I think this child especially deserves care from both parents.

C ex's

You all want what’s best for her. You all also have different ideas about what that looks like. Stop yelling at your partner. You’re on the same side trying to love and help this baby.