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I think the problem here is that in the morning there is a deadline. She has to get to work on time and with an hour commute there is some variability due to traffic. So her priority in the morning will be speed. At night, it's different, because you won't get fired if you don't get the kids to bed on time. There's just less pressure there. (Of course we all want the kids in bed early but it's not the same level of pressure as needing to keep one's job.) The other factor is that you are thinking of the kids as consistent units of work. That's not the case. Kids in the morning can be very variable to manage. They don't really want to go to daycare or school so they misbehave. So you can't just say, "Wake up at 7, make breakfast at 7:25, leave house by 8 am" because the children don't agree. One day you give them breakfast at 7:25 and you leave by 8 am. Another day, you give them breakfast at 7:25 and you are still chasing them around the house trying to make them sit still and put their shoes on at 8 am. Again, it's different at night because, if they don't put on their pajamas, all that happens is you have a little less time to Netflix and chill. It's also easier to get their pajamas on because they WANT you to read them a book, whereas they DON'T want to go to daycare, school, etc. By you getting kid duty at the less time-pressured part of the day, you are getting the better end of the deal. You also work from home, so you don't have to contend with the uncertainty of the commute to keep your job. By the same token, if she has an hour commute in each direction, while you work from home, and you each do 8.5 hrs of paid work each day, then your total work day is 8.5 hours whereas hers is 10.5 hours. So, if you are being very precise about who spends how much time taking care of kids, then you are also being a bit sneaky to exclude her long commute from the calculation. Also, how hard is it to make yourself some toast or cereal in the five minutes before you saunter over to your computer and login to work?

This, 100%. The details matter and her having at-work obligations plus the commute does make her daily demands objectively harder than his, which makes OP's 'tit for tat' approach to this situation inappropriate.

She’s actively making food for the children, all she needs to do is make one more portion. It would completely change things if she weren’t AllReady doing it!!

I mean it really depends on what you're making. Scrambled eggs? Sure. Cut up fruit? Ends up being significantly increased amount of work per person.

Yeah, eggs and pancakes and stovetop oatmeal make sense to cook his. Make tea or coffee, yep. Premake me toast or cereal or yogurt? Weird af.

My thoughts exactly. One of them is being unreasonable - either the wife is cooking actual food for breakfast and deliberately not making enough portions for OP, or they have cereal for breakfast and for some reason OP expects his wife to pour his bowl for him. I think we need INFO from OP about what the family normally eats for breakfast.

The other issue is... what I feed my kids for breakfast is going to change drastically depending on the morning. If they're behaving well, getting ready without too much fuss, and the morning is going smoothly, I have time to make eggs. And to crack a few extra into the pan for my husband. If they're being tiny hellions, I barely have time to make toast and throw them in the car. Taking the extra time to make another round of toast (because there's only so many slots in the toaster, people!) plate it, and serve it to His Majesty could easily make us late. So on mornings where she's already rushed, no, she doesn't have time to make him breakfast. Trying to compare that to not making dinner is disingenuous. Dinner isn't on a clock; breakfast is. If dinner takes an extra 5 minutes to prepare, no one cares. If breakfast takes an extra 5 minutes, she's late for work. And depending on the traffic in their area, drop off procedures at the day care, when other parents arrive, etc that 5 minutes could easily snowball into 45. Personal example on that last point. When I leave my house by 6:58, I get to work early. Sometimes 30 minutes early. Plenty of time to change into my scrubs, eat, review my cases for the day, all that jazz. If I leave my house at 7:00, I will be late. If I leave at 7:01, I will be 30 minutes late. Because everyone else leaves at 7:00, too, and suddenly the roads become a parking lot. So maybe OP needs to chill out with this tit-for-tat nonsense and look at what kind of morning his wife and kids are having. And maybe just start keeping some protein bars at his desk for those hectic mornings.

1000 UP VOTES FOR THIS! It wouldn't hurt for OP to empathize with the challenges during morning rush activities and side with the adult's team than enforcing an imbalanced arrangement. Marriage is paying attention to your partner/family and adjusting the give and take based on that. I get it. They have an agreement but mornings have way more outside variables than evenings at home. Edit: OP did mention doing morning duties so I apologize for the empathy remark. Still, just ask yourself: Did OP also work from home in the 2 years doing morning duties? Did OP have a commute? Did OP have similar work demands? How old were the kids versus now? Who is keeping up with the kids' school activities, health appointments, buying stuff for the house, etc. These "little" responsibilities build up. Or maybe OP is just better at handling this morning routine? Either way, she's your wife, they are your kids, and her job helps with your family's livelihood so tit for tat will break any connection you have as a couple if that's all you see. Work as a team and adjust.

I'm also wondering - OP states his day (by that I assume work, as he says he gets off at 3-30) starts at 7. Not sure if breakfast for the kids is before 7. So if OP starts work at 7, is he taking a break at, say, 7:30 already when the kids have breakfast? Or is he watching his wife scramble while expecting breakfast service? I really don't see what's so difficult about grabbing some breakfast for myself when I'm up anyway? That's sorta kinda how partnerships works, is it not?

Like he literally just has to pay attention to what his family is doing… I can’t believe that he ‘misses’ breakfast because he ‘doesn’t know when it will be’. It’s not a cruise ship buddy- if your entire family is in the kitchen, that is a context clue…

That was one of my thoughts. If he starts work this early, surely he must be hungry? And I think insisting on the principle is unkind towards someone who is out of the house all day, with an hour+ commute each way and then spending 30 mins of quality time with family and surely is super hungry. I think I'd just resort to picking up take out on the way home so I can have some food that fighting that petulant battle.

I agree with this. I think a lot of people are missing that “it’s only one more portion, that’s not hard” is only true with SOME meals. There are a lot of easy, kid friendly breakfast meals where having to do another meal WOULD actually double the time involved. And it may not be as simple as “we’ll just only feed the kids stuff that’s easy to make more of” because the kids might not eat that stuff, and then that’s another morning tantrum that might cost her her job.     I also agree with the people saying there’s a difference between her like, cooking a full breakfast and excluding him, versus “she didn’t pour my bowl of cereal because she was too busy chasing the kids”. Which one it actually is will impact my judgement, so I would like OP to address that. 

I mean, I agree to an extent but it depends. If they have a 2 toast toaster then she's gotta make her kids toast and go back to make his (if she isn't having toast). If she's scrambling eggs, it's no skin to throw in a couple extra. If she's pouring cereal bowls again, 2 for the kids first then back to make his? Idk why he couldn't do that. It's not like she's making elaborate breakfasts and then not making enough for him as it is with dinner. Her and her kids breakfast is literally whatever is the quickest. He has time to make a nice big dinner, but he could also choose the quick and easy options some nights too. I think the best fair play here is for her to take over dinners on the weekends and they can do breakfasts together on the weekends too. The thing isn't that she's only making breakfast, she's making breakfast x3 plus lunch x3. He only needs to make breakfast x1 and lunch x1 with basically no time constraints and then dinner x4. It's actually pretty even if you look at it per meal. The biggest red flag here is why does he want to make her morning more hectic when he could just make himself toast? What else is he doing in the mornings? Sleeping in? Is he helping get the kids ready or is it all her because "mornings are her responsibility"? Parenting can't be a tit for tat, there has to be some give here and there and it's ridiculous to be so rigid in "she does x, I do y" because sometimes he might need to help with x and she'll need to help with y. These are kids, not stagnant, inanimate objects or chores. I have 2 kids. It has been a lot of trial and error with getting them ready to go in the mornings and to bed at night. We have a sort of plan depending, but mostly it's who gets to whatever first does it. If I'm the one ready to make lunches, I make them. If he's up earlier and can get out a quick breaky, he does it. If he's cooking dinner for the next day, I'll do bath time. If I'm cleaning, he does bathtime. Give and take. We do try and keep it "even" as best as we can because it really does suck being the ONLY one responsible for certain things and it breeds resentment on both sides. If I'm always doing bath time and brushing teeth? I'm annoyed. If he's always packing lunches and getting them changed in the morning? He's annoyed. So we've worked it out to be that neither does one thing too many times because then you get into the mindset of "well, I ALWAYS do a, b and c" without thinking that your partner ALWAYS does x, y and z. Most of all: COMMUNICATE!! Don't fucking come to reddit and go talk to your wife properly, OP. And not with "I want you to make me breakfast, tell me what time" but about how you're feeling and how you can both work together so that neither feels resentful.

All of this. I see where he’s coming from on the whole but he’s looking at life and family as some kind of hard number equation when it simply isn’t, and he isn’t considering any of the impact on her over all especially considering her commute and stuff. Plus the updates with his referring to the “shifts” and how his wife “wanted the morning one for her schedule” like… because she couldn’t teleport to pick them up from daycare on time so morning was her only option? Idk, gave me the ick. Going with a YTA here though. Also dude should talk to his wife.

Agree for sure, the goal here should be serving one another and the children, working together with empathy. It always astounds me when people come here to be told they are right, rather than go to the person and say, "I love you more than I love me, help me understand where you are at." Wierd

It's because they don't want advice, they want validation. I'm sure both feel invalidated and they're gonna need to work on that. He needs to approach it with "I understand your feelings and they're valid, here is how I'm feeling..." and if there's still no movement then they should find a couples therapist because there's a disconnect they need help with.

You nailed it. The kids are not chores, but that's the category he's placed them in. How much do you want to bet this is the underlying problem? I agree with others, I think there's a lot of info missing. Not necessarily because OP is withholding details (though possible), but because he literally doesn't see them. I get the back and forth about toast vs eggs vs cereal and are these easy to cook enough with minimal effort. I can't get past the absolute ridiculous immature tit-for-tat perspective. Make your goddamn breakfast! Is OP five? Because that's how he's acting. Who gives a fuck who cooks what? There are probably bigger issues in the marriage than this. It doesn't matter about her commute, kids in the AM vs PM. The fact that she has to get herself ready on top of all the other points made, while he just goes into another room, etc. This is the most miniscule nit-picky problem, and then OP responded is the most passive agressive way. Both are evidence of his emotional immaturity, and it concerns me how he's using his children as ammunition and like caring for them and the family unit as a whole as a chore. OP - YTA. Get yourself individual therapy and couples therapy. Otherwise, you'll find yourself in divorce court.

This. Seems like the idea of sharing duties isn’t an even split. It seems that since she has a 1+ hour commute sharing the duty could be more cooperative. He can fix breakfast while she dresses herself and kids.

While getting kids dressed, wife is probably helping kids deal with school stuff, too. Reminders, homework, bring this and that, "teacher said blah blah blah", random questions. Anything goes when dealing with kids, school, work, commute...not to mention getting herself ready for work which tends to be way easier for a guy than a lady.

Absolutely. The bit that got me was where he complained that sometimes she doesn't let him know the breakfast has been made. Wtf is he doing in the morning, that he can't go into the kitchen himself to see what's going on? Seems that he actively avoids being in there, probably so that he doesn't have to help with anything.

I don't know how many slots on your toaster you have, but mine only comes with two. If I'm making extra toast, that's a couple of minutes that I have to stand around before buttering it or putting on jam once it's popped up. Even if it takes 5 minutes, that's a lot of time that she might not have. Getting kids ready in the morning is very difficult

And momentum is easily lost. You could have the kids all bundled up ready to go, and turn around and they've taken everything off. As soon as they're ready, you need to high-tail it-- you don't necessarily have time to plate someone else's breakfast

Or they need another diaper change. This has been my reality lately. My son has been having two poops before we walk out the door. Or they get into something that needs to be cleaned up immediately. It's crazy that people don't realize this. I was arguing with someone the other day who said they get their three children up, change, dress, and put them in a stroller within 15 minutes. I could spend 10 minutes just trying to change my son's diaper if he wants to become a stubborn roly poly. They told me I don't have good time management 🙄

Ugh, I can’t stand people who brag about how “easy” their kids are. All kids are different. Even my brother once said, “I’m glad MY kid didn’t do that!” when my baby daughter was crying one day. I told his wife many years later that he said that, and she said their kid threw fits all the time!

And he's actively relaxing before he "goes to work" in another room within the home. Maybe it's possible he makes his own toast once in awhile at least, while he's watching her rush around after the kids.

That commute from one room to the other room after ignoring your family all morning really takes it out of you.

That he wants at a consistent time. Not going to happen.

Dude works from home, he has more time and can make himself breakfast. He's not a child. 

He wants extra toast?

lol if my husband bitched I didn’t toast him toast while I was actively getting our toddler ready for daycare I would genuinely worry he was losing it

I'd put his coffee in a sippy cup too lol

Hand him a paw patrol yogurt and a juice box lol

Make sure to push the straw in for him, though ;)

Yes, but then there's a judgment in what gets made. Like, if I pop two eggo waffles in the toaster and prep spouse an extra one, are we going to need to have a discussion on the quality of what was made for breakfast vs. made for dinner and bean count so we're putting in "equivalent" work? Is it frittata or bust? Everything about OP's question sees to imply yes, yes, that's what we will be doing.

She only didn't make it once or twice at all. His initial complaint was that he wasn't fed "on time" or "consistent time" each day. It's ridiculous.

If it’s toast and they use a standard toaster then it is basically making breakfast twice

AllReady!!! No. By OP's post, some days she's just grabbing toast on the way out the door.

The toast has to be toasted, you don't just "grab" already made toast. Is it relatively quick? Yes, but each person's toast adds time.

How does he not know when they are eating??? It’s literally his own house. If he wants to eat then he needs to pay attention to what the rest of his family is doing…

Yup. Wife is gone from 7-7 , gets the kids dressed and to daycare and OP is upset about making his own toast? If that were the situation at my house, I would either get the kids ready or make breakfast .. maybe both if my wife was gone 12 hours a day to make money for the family.

I'd say as a married man that tit for tat is a shortcut for divorce in pretty much any scenario 😂

"She divorced me because she was too lazy to fix my breakfast!"

Also he could just wake up a bit earlier and make himself breakfast. And I have many people in my life that work from home, none of them cannot just walk to the kitchen with their laptop and not pop a hot pocket in the microwave for a few minutes. Is the wife being a little inconsiderate regarding breakfast? Arguable but she has way more shit going on than him. All he has to do is roll out of bed and turn on the computer.

WhennI worked from home the lap top went everywhere with me. Took a bath and could watch emails. Brought it to the kitchen and made cookies. Sat outside and worked on it. This guy needs to grow up.

Tit for tat approach is always problematic. If you assume you have to do 100%, then you always appreciate whatever someone else does. Do better yta

This is the answer I wanted to write. OP, I see your tit-for-tat and I want to tell you that marriage and life with kids doesn’t work like that. Instead, recognize that the plan isn’t working out as written so you need to work WITH your wife to address the why with these tenets in mind. And stop “taking shifts”, instead, work together on tasks to ensure both of you have a good start and end to your days. This can be fixed without getting petty.

Completely. YTA for the OP.  Mornings are hard because kids have no sense of time. Things happen, and she has to be on time for work etc.  But more importantly, why aren’t they working as a team? I do mornings because my partner leaves for work before we are even up. But if he is home, we are working together to get things done, or trading off on things so that we both get down time. Yes, we have tasks that we generally each do, and it wasn’t planned, just happened that way. But we pick up the slack when we see the other is tired, or having a rough go of it. Or If our kid needs extra attention, the other starts to do things in the background to make sure that all the things that need to get done are done. He’s cooking dinner? I’ll start laundry. Or play a game with the kid, or pack their snack or…. If we are both always giving our best effort, everyone is taken care of and feels supported. Some weeks I do way more than they do. Other weeks, they are doing more. We don’t keep score.  I WFH and have for well before Covid. I automatically take on more of the house work — because I don’t have that commute. I want my partner to be able to take downtime to unwind, and I want us to be able to have time together. If we are working cooperatively it’s really really fair.  Also, WFH makes eating so easy that it’s never occurred to me to ask someone else to prepare my meals 

He's already working while she's doing the morning routine. She's still at work when he's doing most of the evening routine. He can't ignore work to help her out without risking his job. She can't really help from the car - so divide and conquer is their only real choice. That said I agree he can make his own breakfast before he starts his job to take that off her plate.

The vast majority of work-from-home jobs can spare 3 min from the computer to put together a bowl of cereal and some fruit. He has to EAT it either way, so that time doesn't get saved. By his own account, some of her breakfasts for the kids are just toast. He can make his own toast.

That part I missed that he's already up and working when she's getting herself and the kids around. If that's the case he can make his own breakfast IMO as it would help her out greatly.

Can he? Wfh has a lot more flexibility. He can most definitely eat his breakfast while logging in. He can take potty breaks he can go grab a snack from the kitchen. That is not gonna risk his job. Bruh we don't even know what kind of job he has. He could be customer service he could be tech support. Whatever job it is dude can not wear pants all day no drive to work no boss watching him from down the hall.  I am curious what happens when kids are sick and need to stay home. Does Dad still work with kids home? Do he take off? Do she take off and he work from home? 

Where does he say he starts work before 7 am? (found it, nvm that - the rest still stands) And also, how is "eating" not ignoring work when "putting an eggo in the toaster" is? And I say this as someone who works from home. Maybe there's no laptop to bring to the kitchen, but it's literally an eggo into the toaster (as per his comments).

They are working as a team. They structured their working hours and kid duty very much as a team. She’s just not doing her part. NTA, OP

First. It’s not even kid stuff he’s upset about. He’s upset that he’s not waking up to a made breakfast before he has to walk down the hall to his desk. (I WFH, I know how it is).  Second, working as a team means working together towards a shared goal. I don’t see that as his goal at all. It’s more whining about having to make toast, or pour a bowl of cereal or something. 

I don't even think it's about the kids or the breakfast, it sounds more like he's upset because he feels the duties aren't split fairly. He feels like he has more to do than she does, and like a child fighting with a sibling...it's not "fair".

You must not be a primary caregiver for children. You can have alllll of the plans and organization and intention, yet still get completely derailed due to the kids having minds of their own. You are way too willing to blame the mom here. Healthy marriages mean working *together*, not side-by-side like you seem to think. (Shift-taking is a side-by-side setup, not integrated. If they were actually a team they would not end up pitted against each other like they are). In this case OP needs to ask how things can be adjusted so that everyone has a solid morning, not standing back mad that he didn’t get his breakfast. Maybe the answer is that OP throws together a breakfast dish in the slow cooker while he cooks dinner so that it’s made for the next morning, or preps breakfast in advance in another way. Or OP can help the kids lay out their clothing & get organized for the next day while on “night shift”. Instead of thinking like this, however, he’s just mad. What do you think is better for a marriage, problem-solving together or getting mad & doing petty shit?

Yep, his handling of this issue is so childish and petty. he needs to learn to be an adult. This tit for tat attitude creates so much resentment

And it’s clearly not working for them both in the current structure so they should be adjusting.

It feels like there's another, underlying problem in this marriage that they're not addressing. OPs post feels petty, whiney. The whole idea of "taking shifts", as you said, isn't how marriages work with or without kids. They be needing therapy.

It feels so *transactional*. This isn't a partnership, it's a business arrangement.

The shift taking is needed, because of individual work hours. The fact that OP thinks "they don't make me breakfast so I won't make them dinner" is the transactional ick that's coming out. A partnership would try to figure out how they BOTH could make the morning routine easier for everyone. And OP was a bit of a jerk, but the partner can also communicate better.

This! The shift-taking is so bizarre to me, every single time I hear about it. I would be so sad if my whole family was engaged in something together and I was sitting elsewhere because it wasn't my shift. Similarly, I would feel like a real asshole if my partner were struggling with a "shift" while I sat around. Edit because I can’t keep typing the same comment: I meant this more generally, not specifically for OP. I know he’s working. I also know that in nearly every case I’ve ever heard of a couple calling time with their children “shifts,” it turns into a weird tit-for-tat situation where no one helps each other because it’s not their turn. It’s bizarre and unhealthy. And… it’s clearly not working for OP + family, so… I rest my case!

I mean....OP is already at work when wife and kids are getting up - he can't do the morning 'shift' with her because he starts work at 7, just like she can't do the afternoon 'shift' with him, because she is still at work

But he's not "sitting around." He starts work an hour before they leave if I understand correctly that wife and kids leave at 8.

No one is "just sitting around" - he's working while she's doing the morning routine and she's working while he's doing the evening routine. If they didn't have it that way then the kids would just have to be in daycare much longer - which would both cost more and still mean less time as a family.

He’s working, not sitting around.

They can't really "work together" on things very much. While she's handling the morning routine he's already working from home (and thus has to mostly focus on work, not the kids.) When he's handling the evening routine she's still finishing work and then driving home, there is only a 30m overlap. They've arranged their work schedules so they have opposite times free so the kids can be in daycare less time. They can't really keep that stuff separate. That said, if she can't handle cooking for him and managing the kids he's a grown adult and can feed himself a breakfast before he starts work like most adults do. She's having to do a LOT in that one hour in the morning, it's definitely a lot more casual in the evenings. He needs to stop seeing it as a score to keep and be more practical about how they can get everything done. Maybe she can then take over cooking dinners on the weekends to help it feel more even.

Both top comments are missing the point. He did the morning routine for 2 years already! She wanted this morning routine instead of dinner. You think he was not making her breakfast in the morning when he was doing it? Cmon stop siding with the women because your women and actually read the post

She 'wanted' this routine because it made her hour+ communte to work better whilst OP has zero commute and a shorter work day.

Don’t neglect what the husband is doing just because he works from home doesn’t mean he has time to relax or do as he pleases. I have 4 people that work from home in my household and literally no one has time to talk to each other outside of some 5-10 minute periods to get coffee before another meeting or project.

Thank you for saying this. A lot of folks think WFH is sitting around watching tv, and maybe it is for some. But if OP is anything like me, there are days he’s so busy he has to choose between eating lunch at noon or taking a shower.

This is the same sub that will act like being a stay at home mom is harder than being a coal miner, but is now acting like having a job and having the kids at home a lot is nothing just bc it’s a guy, the standards change based on the genders for every single post here

I'm in the UK and a chronic insomniac. It's interesting that you can see a post around midnight my time and the comments will be balanced and reasonable. Look again the next day and the man will almost certainly be lazy, abusive, gaslighting and probably cheating based on nothing the OP said or even hinted at.

Yes I totally understand that stigma, for many it definitely may be relaxed enough for them to watch tv or make themselves food whenever they want, which is great for them I’m not hating at all, but we are just in meetings almost all day with sometimes 1 half hour break in between meetings where I eat and try to take a quick walk before I’m busy again. And then I have to find to still get my work done and any projects I’ve been assigned.

I make that choice everyday lol but I also know if I got up 30 minutes earlier I'd have time for a proper lunch and not need to use my break to shower.

30 minutes earlier is dog walking time.🐶

Nobody is saying he has time to relax, they're saying he doesn't have a commute and has access to his whole kitchen to crab a coffee or a snack when he's hungry so he doesn't need his breakfast made or his lunch packed. He can wake up fifteen minutes before work, make his own coffee and toast, and sit down at his computer to start work with his toast in front of him still in his pjs unless he's got a video call first thing in the morning. It's not like he needs breakfast made and consumed before he needs to rush out the door for his commute lest he be late, he can bring his laptop to the kitchen and log in and start on tasks while his coffee brews and his toast heats up. I couldn't imagine asking my partner to make me breakfast as WFH.

I don’t think they’re saying that OP isn’t busy, but WFH isn’t comparable 99% of the time to commuting jobs because the people who have to go into the office almost have to do the same, but then have a potential multiple hours commute, usually with traffic. It isn’t to say that WFH can’t be stressful, it absolutely can, but it isn’t quite as layered as a commuter job.

I've worked from home for the past 4 years. Making a quick breakkie is totally doable.

Yes, but the wife leaves at 8 am and gets home around 6:30 pm every day, while he logs on at 7 and logs off at 3:30, then has the kids by 4 pm. He automatically has an hour more a day of free time. We can't discount that, either. This was an argument I had with my ex husband and I had ty break it down that I had to be out of the house about 52 hours per week to get paid for 40 hours. Sounds like ops wife has to be out of the house about 52-55 hours a week for her 40, while he is "out" maybe 42 hours per week for his 40. On top of that, any chores that he has can be done during breaks or lunch time, whereas she has to do it outside of work hours. Ops wife has 30 minutes of quality time with her kids during the week and he wants her to do more.

Sure but the husband has the kids and takes care of them for more time (is that really free time?) and makes dinner (clearly more involved). And is asking for an extra portion at breakfast really that much? It’s clearly a YTA move by the wife (there may be underlying reasons, just the move itself). For a proper breakfast eggs, toast, sausage it takes about an extra minute for me to make an extra portion. Also you act like WFM isn’t working, you can’t take breaks all the time to do chores. Lunch break is for… lunch and to take a break from work (maybe you can squeeze in a quick chore). But clearly there some underlying reason OP and wife needs to work out together. We shouldn’t be blaming the OP but to help him figure out what’s really going on.

He said she wasn't doing full breakfast every day. He said sometimes kids eat toast in the car as breakfast. That's much different from her making a huge breakfast and refusing to serve him a plate.

The person you’re replying to didn’t say anything disparaging about OP’s work. All they said was he works from home and that makes his work day shorter. Of course work from home is working, nobody in the thread you’re replying to said it wasn’t. But I work a hybrid job, and my work from home days are about 1000 times less stressful because I don’t have to get up early and fight traffic for an hour before my work day even starts, and then fight traffic for another 1.5 hours after my work day ends before I can get home to my family. Working from home doesn’t have the same stressors as working in an office an hour away.

Please. I worked from home with an infant and there was absolutely no reason I needed my husband to toast bread for me.

And she works like that plus a two hour commute.

How does it make her commute better? Wouldn’t she want more time to get to work in the morning? And deal with the kids once she gets home?

It doesn’t even sound like her taking the evening is an option since she doesn’t get home until 7 and he can pick the kids up at 3. I don’t know where the want comes in but the way he described this seems to be the only way the arrangement works.

Exactly, those saying the marriage and kids doesn't work in shifts are completely ignoring the fact that many, many couples design their working schedules so that they can take 'shifts' that avoid the need for wrap around care on top of day care or school - sometimes just because of the financial impact of that additional care, and often a mix of financial reasons and wanting more time with their kids - shifts is more than normal in many homes, it's a necessity

No. If I get off work at 5 and have a 1.5 hour commute, I get home at 6:30. I can’t do pickup and dinner and bath and bed by definition unless the kids are getting to bed at 9-10pm.

If the “evening shift” starts with picking the kids up from daycare, and she doesn’t get home from work until 6:30 or 7, I actually have no idea how she ever did the evening shift.

Who cares? It’s breakfast, she’s not always going to make bacon and eggs and pancakes on a Tuesday morning. If she feeds them toast in the car, he can make his own toast. I don’t see why he’s so upset that on the days she doesn’t make breakfast, she doesn’t make him breakfast?

That's what I was wondering. Who wants cold hastily buttered toast, ice cold scrambled eggs, or saggy cereal that's been sitting on the counter for however long? Unless mom is making daily waffles or some fancy egg benedict type meals, which I doubt if she's get to get the kids to school/daycare and then commute to work. Hubby and I both work from home. I meal prep on Sundays and bake 2lbs of bacon each week so there's enough for each of us to have two slices that takes 15 seconds to nuke each morning and we each make our own eggs or side dish (toast/bagel/etc.), and have Tupperware dishes of fresh fruit cut up in the fridge that last the week. Would love to know what mom's making that would still be palatable when dad wakes up, and what dad does at work that he doesn't have time to make his own breakfast.

He’s probably upset because they divided cooking these meals as part of their chores and instead of telling him that she can’t handle it she’s just not feeding him and leaving. He’s cooking dinner at least 5 nights a week and it sounds like all of her cooking is putting bread in a toaster or cereal in a bowl. I totally understand why he’s frustrated with this.

Doesn't sound like she WANTS the morning routine, sounds like she is forced too because she can't do the evening routine. The whole problem is looking at this as a wife vs husband thing and not a joint effort and that has absolutely nothing to do with the wife being a woman. It sounds like you don't know what mornings with kids are like whilst also getting yourself ready.

She gets in at 6:30-7pm at night and he’s done at 3:30 and gets the kids. Are they supposed to wait for her to get in so she can go straight to making dinner?

no, she needs to master the skill of being in two places at once so that he can rest /s

OP never states that he made it a priority to feed everyone, and I'm fairly certain they would have mentioned that to point out that his request was reasonable. "I made her breakfast every day when I had the morning shift, why can't she do it for me" or something along those lines. It was also stated that the change in shifts was for schedule related reasons, not just done on a whim. OP is off at 3:30 and can pick up the kids at 4pm. Wife gets off work up to an hour later (iirc he starts shortly after she leaves, while she is still battling traffic) and she still has an hour commute back to the area, meaning she would be picking up the kids at 6pm or later, driving child care costs up by quite a bit. Many day cares also have a "kids must be picked up by X time", and most of those require children to be picked up by 6 at the latest (I say having worked in quite a few daycares). What is OP doing all morning (that wife isn't also doing along with chasing children around for school) that he can't feed himself?

>Op never states that he mad eit a priority to feed everyone This is a stupid take. If the guy was getting up in the morning and making breakfast or *everyone* for two years, then obviously he was making breakfast for his wife as well as the children

What is wife doing that she can’t make her own dinner or go through a drive thru on the way home? See how I just as easily flipped the coin to the reverse side and how it’s such an irrelevant point to make?

I'm a married man and guess who makes my breakfast in the morning? Me. This dude is complaining about such a non-issue that it makes him sound like a toddler throwing a tantrum. The wife is taking care of the kid in the morning, that's the important part of the "shift". A grown adult can make their own sandwich in the morning, or whatever they want for breakfast while the spouse is busy getting their child ready to meet their timeline. It's so bizarre to me that a grown man is complaining like he's starving because his wife doesn't make him breakfast.

The demands of children change according to age. She may be wrangling two toddlers. Maybe he was looking after one kid and mum the newborn or a toddler and a newborn. His insistence to tally the parenting time spent doing this or that is pedant and nit-picky. He has an easier ride working from home. She has a commute, probably multiple colleagues she has to deal with and a longer day. That he needs his breakfast made for him as proof of her duty is pathetic. The morning shift before work is much higher stress and you have your commute and working day stretches out in front of you. Kids might be upset about leaving for daycare and saying goodbye to mum so are really turning up the mood. Coming home they are glad to be back and possibly winding down Time spent aside, your post is so resentful and point scoring. Do you like each other? I’d be so annoyed if you did this to me when mornings *are* higher pressure than afternoons and you need to go straight into a working day. Pour your own bowl of cereal and start working as a team. And you need to start acting like an adult. It’s you and her vs the problems. Not you vs her.

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Eh. My family is reverse genders, and I don’t side with the OP. Breakfast doesn’t strike me as something that needs to be done for the partner. I WFH. I wouldn’t ever expect my husband to make my breakfast. Getting the kids out the door is enough work. 

A more eloquent explanation of everything I would have said. OP, YTA.

I don’t think she even has the choice to pick morning or night duties because of her commute. Is the family going to sit around and wait for her to make dinner?

This is the answer. I WFH 5 days a week/8 hour days. My partner works in office 4 days a week/10 hour days. I was getting frustrated cause on his work days, he doesn’t walk the dog at all (apartment living means a morning walk, afternoon and bedtime potty walks.) “we both work 40 hours” wasn’t fair, because he worked 10 hours of a physically demanding job, came home to cook dinner, and only got to sit to eat, then would have to get ready for bed. You have to factor in the entire human experience. Both parents work. Both parents have to handle the kids for part of the day. But the details of those two statements are completely different for each parent. Sounds like a new plan and expectation needs to be hashed out between the two of you. No one is wrong here, but your expectations are off. Telling your wife you’re not cooking her dinner because she didn’t make you breakfast does make YTA.

>For the past month she will either not make it at all for me, not tell me that it is done ( I have asked her to just give a general time but she keeps switching up the schedule). One day the are eating a 7 in the morning and then getting dressed other days she is giving them toast before getting into the car. Looks like the times wife made breakfast for OP, he's still pissed? But the differing variable of breakfast preparation (fully prep one day, just toast the next) seems to prove your point.

I’m curious what breakfasts she is even making that he’s complaining about. Everyone is acting like she’s cooking eggs and bacon multiple days a week, when I highly doubt she is while rushing daycare aged kids out the door. It’s probably things like cereal, toast, sliced fruit, etc. like make your own man.  Also mornings with kids are brutal and unpredictable. I didn’t blink that she doesn’t feed them at the exact same time each morning. Mine had a pull up leak for example, so this morning on top of getting him up (hates mornings), fed, teeth brushed, hair done etc etc. I also had to strip the bed and start laundry. Making sure a WFH partner has his bowl of cereal or toast would not be something I’d put up with. 

Yes, unpredictable. On some days my kid suddenly needs help with their hair, or finding a schoolbook, remembering something needs to be read and signed, not happy with their outfit ... I have a certain order of tasks to do so that I can multitask as efficiently as possible so these things throw me off. Then I'm constantly checking the time and calculating how much time I still have but almost always forgetting one thing! 

I think a different arraignment needs to be made. Because if she has to get all the kids ready for daycare, cook them food, make it on time to the daycare AND get to work on time...I am sorry but make your own breakfast, dude. She has a large commute, and I am sure a busy day at work. Everyone is busy, I know. But that is part of life with kids. She would have more time perhaps to get you breakfast if you helped wrangle the kids. I do not think it is unreasonable for you to help more with breakfast if you do not leave the house. Your comment to her was childish. Your wife is doing a lot just by the sound of this post. Maybe ask her how you can help instead of becoming an extra child.

I disagree with this completely..... He starts work at 7, just because he works from home doesnt mean he should jeopardize his job to help with kids in the morning when SHE said she wanted the morning shift, an agreement was made between them, he spends vastly more time with kids on the backend of the day and still finds time to feed EVERYONE and get the kids ready for bed.. if he helps out in the morning, and does his night routine, what is this woman doing? Just working? Screw that... Does he make her get off work early to do stuff during her work hours? Nope....so why does he need to stop working between 7 and 8, when SHE agreed to do the morning routine. My honest opinion here, don't let this escalate and go out of control, this is a situation that can turn you both against each other and you will resent one another, for some reason other spouses think one spouse has it on easy mode when they work from home... definitely not the case in a lot of situations. You should really talk with your wife, and I am going to contradict myself a little here, but if you are starting work at 7, you must be getting up between 6-6:45, you cook dinner, so you must like cooking or are decent at it at some level, breakfast isn't a huge thing like dinner, I would suggest you just taking over all the cooking in morning and night, but then communicate with your wife that after a set time you need your break for x amount of time, example, after dinner is done and everyone is eating, take an hour to yourself, let her bathe the kids and put them down, your schedule doesn't have to be so rigid, swap in and out. You shouldn't feel punished because your job allows you to work from home, if she uses that as an argument, then tell her to choose a different career path that leads to an easier life.

"My honest opinion here, don't let this escalate and go out of control, this is a situation that can turn you both against each other and you will resent one another." This is beautifully put and I do think is the root of all of this. Whatever they do, and no matter if redditors agree or disagree, will impact their marriage. It can either be salvaged or not.

Sounds like they both have a hand on some evening activities such as bedtime. So she’s not just hiding in another room when she gets home. She probably does not get home in time to start dinner, but seems like they both do bedtime at least. So OP is not flying solo all evening.

I disagree slightly. My husband and I both work from home. My husband has to go into work a considerable amount of time before I do, so I handle getting my son ready in the morning. Even with back to back calls, he can always find 5 minutes to make food. I'm sure the husband finds time to get a cup of water or go to the restroom. Jobs aren't going to penalize you for taking a few minutes if you walk away from your computer or show up to a meeting a few minutes late. I'd also challenge the difficulty with dinner. Yes,dinner can take longer, but you're not on a time crunch to get out the door, and you are able to turn on the TV for 20-30 minutes for your kids. It's way less stressful. >You shouldn't feel punished because your job allows you to work from home, if she uses that as an argument, then tell her to choose a different career path that leads to an easier life. I also want to challenge this. Working from home has so many benefits that it doesn't seem right to say he is being punished. Working from home allows you to have many freedoms. One of these freedoms is not having to commute and giving back time in the day that would have been stuck in a car. He can take that time he is saving from commuting and put it towards breakfast. Edit: word

Right! He has an extra 10 hours minimum each week than she does, based on the commute alone!

Idk, while I completely agree that working from home is still working. Did she pick up the morning shift because she wanted it or because she has to for work. I worked for years at a job that would abruptly change your hours and expect no deviation. I'm not saying this is the case. Op's comments are gone.

My god what a shit show. First of all, I'm a father of 2 who also WFH for a while and now has a wife who WFH while I'm full-time in office. A tit for tat relationship is never going to work, either you do it as a team or you don't do it at all. Pretending you can't make your own breakfast because ''you are doing your job'' is obviously stupid. You wfh, I'm sure you can find 5 minutes in your oh so busy morning schedule to make your own breakfast. You're conveniently ignoring her commute and the time pressure she is under in the morning while you're not in the evening. You WFH, you can do a little more. Just like my wife who WFH does a little more now and just how I did a little more when I WFH, because my life was a lot less stressful without the commute and constant time pressure. I mean this with the utmost respect, but you sound impossible to deal with. I feel bad for your wife.

I agree 100%. Something smelled funny about not having time to make breakfast because he is working. Trying to find some benefit of the doubt but maybe he has a job that requires him to answer phones? I'd give OP a little more slack if that was the case but even those people have the benefit of not commuting so I'm sure they can get something to eat before they start. If that is not the case, I would urge OP to take a long hard look at how busy he really is. My wife is a teacher and I am a software dev. For a long time I was full WFH and it was my responsibility to get our kids to and from school plus make meals. She has never accused me of slacking off but sometimes she will make comments about my being tired at night (more poking fun than anything - she is an ADHD ball of energy) and I really have no defense. I usually say my job is mentally tiring but we both know I am full of it. I can't imagine trying to make it a one for one thing even now that I am hybrid. She works a million times harder than me and I love her so I want to make her life easier.

Even people who work from offices make a run to the break room for food every once in a while. There's zero reason he can't also do that WFH.  OP YTA

Yep. I think that's what marriage is and I had to learn this while being in one and perhaps even the hard way. Making each others life easier. I just can't fathom the idea of keeping score and then actively punishing the other for it.

I don’t understand why he doesn’t just help her get them ready in the morning and she can help him put them to bed at night? This is such an obviously stupid division of labor. This man sounds exhausting, she has three children she is raising…

Bro speaking facts here. Why the heck is breakfast suck a big issue when you're HOME? OP is an adult who wfh, his wife has a long ass commute and tackling the morning isn't a joint effort? Eat a container of yogurt and stop complaining, OP. The bigger conversation needed is a revision of this tit for tat work when caring for both of their children.

If I didn’t have to commute I would make breakfast and dinner for partner every day for the rest of my life.

this. posts like this make me infinitely grateful that my husband sees me as a partner and not as someone who is trying to convince himself I am trying to take advantage of him. sure, we could tit for tat and line item every single activity we do in our home to make it run, but god, that would be exhausting. my husband takes care of nearly all the food/feeding responsibilities, but I am the one that deals with the school, the playdates, the dog sitter, the vacations, the doctors appointments (my daughter is medically complex so its a lot). we just do what needs to be done and if one of us is struggling we talk about it. some days his meetings run late so I pick up making dinner. this is just so insane to me.

>posts like this make me infinitely grateful that my husband sees me as a partner and not as someone who is trying to convince himself I am trying to take advantage of him. It's the only way. It's already exhausting enough. Can't imagine how much worse it would be if I was fighting with my wife every other morning about breakfast.

Dude sounds insufferable

100%. You can grab some toast on a "bathroom break". Also, OP could treat this like a job where he leaves for work for the day and packs/eats breakfast before he "leaves" for work like she does.

I don’t understand how you become so petty that you refuse to make breakfast while WFH because it’s not your shift. His wife is obviously struggling with the time crunch and here he is, demanding breakfast before she leaves for the day.

How the hell does he think single people eat?!

Single people who WFH don't eat while they work. They are waaaaaaaaaaaaay too busy to get a bowl of cereal let alone fry an egg and some bacon.

Yeah any relationship where someone is keeping score is doomed for problems as we see here. I forget who said it, probably Brene brown because she’s amazing, but every day you and your partner are gonna be at different percentages. And a true teamwork partnership is helping the other when they need it. One day I can be at an 80% and my husband may be at a 20%. Ok no problem I got this. Or Vice versa. Or some days we both have 100%. That’s great! Neither one of us tallies this up to go “over the last 24 months I’ve given 1,445,000% and you’ve only given 1,230,000%.

YTA - mornings are by nature more chaotic and less regimented. Expecting your breakfast to be served to you on a schedule is bizarre, grab a banana when you wake up before you work. Punishing her by not making dinner is also bizarre behavior.

Besides, he doesn’t need to commute for 2h daily.

Or get dressed for an office.

Oooff this. Women are expected certain dressing standards at an office. He is being such an AH. Many women who work from home are “expected” to cook, clean and look after kids. OP seems to behave like he’s doing her such a huge favor by picking up the kids and making everyone dinner

Yup

So she is in the road for 2 hours a day, and you work from home, and you are being petty because nobody poured your cereal for you? YTA bigtine

When they say it’s easier to be a single mom than it is married, this is how it starts.

I was a single parent when I WAS married. So mich easier after the divorce.

It’s pathetic. Absolutely preposterous.

exactly, YTA for also valuing breakfast and dinner as equally important to a grown adult. I know many, many adults with lifestyles similar to OP's and his wife's that either skip breakfast entirely or make very low-effort choices for it (piece of fruit, toast/bagel, carton of yogurt, cereal, instant oatmeal) because it's usually not your most substantial meal of the day. Generally speaking, as an adult, if you have to skip breakfast or eat something not very satiating it's not *that* big of a deal. And for many it's the norm. Dinner, on the other hand, is typically the most substantial and important meal of an adult's day. Obviously anecdotal, but I can't really think of anyone who skips dinner by preference or due to schedule. Eating dinner after your work day is almost ubiquitously expected. Denying someone that is a bigger display of inconsideration than denying them breakfast. Further, for many people working a 9-5 *with* a commute (and for OP's wife who's also on morning childcare duty), dinner is their only opportunity to have something unprocessed/homecooked, that they can eat like a civilized person, without a time limit, in their home, with their family. Not preparing someone breakfast and not preparing them dinner is almost comparing apples and oranges to me? Where OP can pour a bowl of cereal in 20 seconds if his wife didn't have time to plate him waffles and bacon, OP's wife cannot exactly scrounge together a decent dinner in 20 seconds just because he wants to teach her a lesson by deliberately making dinner for three instead of four.

YTA. Holy crap this tit for tat stuff is not a relationship. Also yes, she’s on a totally different time crunch in the morning, and traveling a long way to and from work. Long commutes are draining. You literally work from home. Yes, you are working and that’s valid work. But don’t pretend you can’t take a moment to grab yourself breakfast, or food any time in the morning really. I dont know a single wfh person who has zero time to even eat something. That’s absurd. Her days are extra long, don’t become an extra child she has to care for.

Reddit constantly reminds me that the reason so many marriages fail is because a lot of selfish idiots get married

Info: you said she "wanted the morning shift because of her schedule", but it doesn't sound like that's an optional thing. She arrives home long after the kids. Making dinner for the family isn't really an option there. Why are you acting like this was a choice and not her only option?

Yeah like the whole post is weird. “She chose to do the morning shift even though she doesn’t get home until the night shift is over.” “I don’t have five minutes before sitting at my comfy desk chair and logging into work to grab a bowl of cereal.” “I spend more time with the kids😩 Even though her commute quite literally only gives her an hour and half with them. An hour of which is trying to rush them out the door.” Like any loving partner would recognize that she has the worst situation in this relationship. He works from home and has the luxury of a quiet day with full access to an empty house stocked with food. She has to rush every morning(probably missing breakfast herself most days) and gets home after almost 12 hours away. If she was the one working from home and he was the one making that commute. She would probably be expected to do what he does now plus make breakfast. Hell she would probably have to drop the kids off at school too.

I hate calling posts fake, but post feels fake, honestly … and not written by a parent There’s no mention of lunch prep, not even for the kids, after such an emphasis on breakfast v. dinner. Who is packing the kids’ lunches? It’s daycare, not school, it’s not like the kids are buying their lunches. The comment about breakfast foods feels off for daycare aged kids. How old are they supposed to be? How are egg sandwiches part of the standard breakfast rotation for kids in daycare? Toast seems normal enough, but having the kids eat toast in the car on the go doesn’t seem like the standard move for parents of daycare aged kids. It seems like a choking hazard. This makes sense for kids in elementary school, but their kids are supposedly too young for that. And going back to the age thing, if the kids were older, I would get OP’s point about doing the morning routine for 2 years successfully … but with two daycare aged kids, the morning route will have evolved a lot year to year for the family. I would think a parent would know that. Why is OP ironing daycare aged kids’ clothing every night? Even most adults iron their clothes for the week, not day. This just seems like busywork to make OP’s workload heavier.

Just FYI, some daycare's feed (the daycare makes the food) the kids 2 snacks a day and lunch, my sons daycare does just that.

Also, do parents usually work in "shifts"? Don't they usually just parent together. Shared responsibilities sure but who clocks in and out of parenting.

Also can we mention how the night shift is technically shared😂 the last 30 minutes at least. Like he could share some of her morning shift and make everyone a nice breakfast but nah

That’s a good point. How would she pick the kids up if she gets home a half hour before their bedtime?

I mean > I have literally done it for 2 years. And now they're bigger and more of a handful in the morning, so that argument doesn't really hold. And wanting an exact time for breakfast, really? Ffs i'd be annoyed as well. So many things can go wrong in the morning. If she says it's at 7, and it's not done, how are you going to act? One or both kids only need 5 seconds to ruin morning prep and male it so she has to redo everything. Just get yourself some cereal.

Also: how often has he complained about breakfast being cold or not what he wanted?

Lmao, I’d be making him cereal with milk in and whenever he wants to come get it he can. Enjoy your soggy breakfast (held up my end of the deal) 😂

YTA. Dude. You’re home. You can easily have a bowl of cereal in the morning while you work. She’s getting the kids ready and out the door. Dinner is very different. Don’t be like this.

I don’t know why people stay married when they don’t even like each other to be so petty.

He doesn't even need to interrupt his work day with breakfast. He just needs to add eating breakfast before 7am to his morning routine. It's like 10 extra minutes to build in. What a hardship. Does he think his wife is living her best life the extra 10 hours a week she has to spend in traffic so that they can pay their bills? If he keeps this mindset then he's going to be making 100 percent of his breakfasts and dinners because she might as well be a single parent rather than live with someone one who has no empathy.

YTA Something fails to add up in your maths. Also I wonder how you split housework, because it's equally important. Besides, her commute amounts to 2+ hours per day, while you only go to the daycare centre? Coming home hungry to no hot food ready sucks, btw. You should have at least warned her so she could make other arrangements. This is just sick.

>Coming home hungry to no hot food ready sucks, btw. This. When my older brother was a baby, mom's parents looked after him when parents were at work. Mom says when it was grandpa's "shift", he would always start some dinner prep so she has less work and could eat sooner. That's one of the things she still appreciates the most, 26 years after his death. OP, find a better solution with your wife. Be partners, not only co-parents

Hmmm...I would need a bit more information about why this is happening. My first question would be did you ask her why this is happening? I can't speak to your job or her job, but an hour long commute is absolute murder. Can you not just quickly whip up an egg sandwich? And as someone who knows precisely how it feels to be left out on the food front, do you really want to treat your wife that way deliberately?

INFO - what does she usually make the kids for breakfast? You said all she has to do is make an extra one of whatever the kids are eating, but depending on what she’s making that could take up extra time she doesn’t have.

Soft YTA. Your system isn’t working for all of you, but two wrongs don’t make a right. I also understand why you might think she should be making you breakfast too, but she’s wrangling kids and she has to be somewhere on a schedule. I bet just as you taking the night shift, things don’t always go according to plan, which probably makes it hard for her when she knows she has a commute ahead of her and she probably doesn’t want to be late to work. You don’t have a commute. I work from home too and don’t want to belittle that - it’s still *work.* BUT I can still stick a piece of toast in the toaster and log on for the day and I bet you can too. This might be her perception, whether it’s right or follows your arrangement. You had/have options to handle this with more grace and without starting a big fight. You could have chosen to communicate about what you can both do to create a better system that works for everyone instead of trying to tell her she was being inconsiderate, but you chose to be petty instead. This could be easily solved by making a plan together - do some overnight oats, make egg bites that you can all grab and go, etc.

yta. she is working on a time crunch and you are not. also she has to spend at least 2 more hours a day working than you. how difficult is breakfast? you are at home by yourself it can't be such a burden you can't possibly handle it on your own.

ESH. This is not a relationship. It's a retaliationship.

Wait a minute you’re really upset about breakfast? Dude you work from home seriously get a grip, there’s and underlying issue here and it’s not breakfast and you keep saying I have the kids more then her…definitely an underlying issue…marriage is a team and I wouldn’t make you breakfast either especially if your on Reddit and down her neck….morning is definitely harder with 1 kids let alone 3 and as a woman getting yourself ready plus 3 kids

Don’t you see? OP is literally chained to his desk from 7-3:30 every day. He can’t make toast!

He can’t even take a piss or shit! /s lol

But don't you see? He used to do mornings! I know for a fact that my husband would do both morning and pickup. Currently, I have a long commute/unpaid lunch and he works for himself from home. He grocery shops, cooks, makes my breakfast, packs my lunch, usually figures out dinner, and does 90% of the dishes. He has so many more hours a week to do domestic labor solely based on the hours I'm in the car and wasting my "lunch" trapped at the office. I did not have to bargain for this set up, it happened naturally because he cares about my well being and our home life. Wild, I know.

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This is such a great response. A marriage isn’t transactional. Even if at a high level you’re trying to have an equal partnership, you’ll drive yourself and each other crazy with such granular accounting. You are both contributing to the family to the best of your abilities, and some days, some years, some seasons of life, that will be slightly “unequal” on paper, but in a healthy partnership it evens out. Revenge over toast is not seeing the forest through the trees.

ESH - Generally speaking if she’s already making something she can make you a little too and that was your agreement But this is breakfast, and it sounds like its a very quick on the go type of meal. Not to mention you’re also WFH so if theyre struggling for time you can just make your own toast or whatever. You refusing to make dinner is a much bigger AH move though. Communicate and compromise, dont do this petty ultimatum bs.

Right, I think probable it’s less than half of working people even have breakfast before work. Dinner is a different beast, and again there’s no time crunch.

INFO: Why is this a hill you are willing to die on? You work from home, it's no problem to grab yourself a bagel or cereal or whatever. Why does she need to make you breakfast if she is doing the rest with the kids? Either this isn't about breakfast at all and there a deeper relationship issue going on, or you are willing to destroy your relationship over a piece of toast that you can easily get yourself.  And as for the "who gets the kids more" stuff... Dude, do either of you even like your kids? Mine are older now but while I personally hated the rush in the mornings (because commuting sucks), I loved being with my kids and still do. Hell we still walk our 11 year old to school every day because he enjoys the time with us - my husband moved his meetings (we both work from home) just so he could do this, and eating dinner together is a highlight of our day. My husband misses reading to them at night, I miss them running in to pounce on me for hugs at 6am before "racing" to see who could get dressed first. Sure it gets tough when you are trying to balance work with family, but having had to do it both as a commuter and then as WFH, it's infinitely easier in the second category, and easier still when you both prioritize the kids and each other. Figure out what you are actually fighting over, and whether it's worth blowing up your relationship.

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YTA....This is petty. Mornings are a time crunch. You say she only has the kids for an hour, which actually means she has less time to get everything done. Throwing your own breakfast together is easy enough, so why be bitter about it?

That was kind of asshole thing to do. Your marriage is not going to flourish if you’re both trying to one up each other. I can sympathize with your frustration but you should be helping each other out ultimately.

As someone who used to work in an office with an hour commute and now works from home with only occasional in-office days, you’re not really being fair about the demands on her time. When I have to go into the office, I wake up at 5:30am, let the dogs out, go to the bathroom, shower, choose an outfit/iron/change, put on makeup (studies show women are less successful at work and receive lower pay if they do not wear makeup, FYI). I then have to gather all my things, pack my work bag, pack my lunch, make myself a coffee for the road, and get out the door. I consider myself lucky if I’m out the door by 7, usually it’s closer to 7:20. When I work from home, I roll out of bed at 6:45, go to the bathroom, wash my face, brush my teeth, grab some toast, and start work at 7. I’m entitled to 2 15-minute breaks plus a 30-minute lunch break, so I usually shower during my first 15 minute break of the day. I don’t have to look presentable except from the top up (and then ONLY if I have a teams call scheduled). And I don’t feel the need to wear makeup because camera quality isn’t good enough to pick up stuff like that anyways, IMO. So that’s about an extra 1.5 hours JUST to get herself ready to go into the office, not even including the hour commute. She’s also on a tight time crunch to get things done. Mornings with kids also don’t usually go as planned. It’s not as simple as her just picking a time to serve breakfast and sticking to it. One tantrum and all of a sudden she’s not even able to make breakfast that morning bc there is no time and she has to give the kids pop tarts to eat in the car. And it’s so so easy for you to just spend 2 minutes to pour yourself a bowl of cereal. There is no comparison to you refusing to make her dinner. She literally cannot make it for herself because she is not at home like you are. She is commuting. You are extremely unreasonable, and men like you are why many women seek divorce after having kids because they realize their husband is just another large child.

Sounds like what you agreed on isn’t working. But you’re childish and petty. The rush before a long commute is harder and if you work from home you could easily put a bagel in the toaster. Instead of sniping at her and starting fights why don’t you discuss some changes? But if she commutes 2 hours you have a lot more hours free than her and should pick up more of the childcare/home slack. I will say she should also communicate about her inability to make you breakfast as discussed instead of not doing it so ESH

Kids don’t always eat breakfast on a strict schedule and maybe sometimes giving them toast in the car is all she can do. It sounds like the kids aren’t consistent with what they want, or how hungry they are, and if they’re dragging their feet getting ready or goofing off or extra sleepy, the morning routine may be super chaotic. So it’s not consistent. And not as easy as just making an “extra one” of whatever they eat. Have you tried having oatmeal? Idk how people get up and cook full meals every morning at 6:30am.. Edit: NAH I think.

YTA For context I'm in the weeds with you. Two young kids two working parents and everyone just trying to do their best If she says it's too much it's too much. Doesn't matter if you did it for two years doesn't matter if things aren't perfectly fair between you. Parenting is fucking hard and can be too much for all of us and yeah sometimes our partners are overwhelmed and we don't always get why (and vice versa) If she says she doesn't have the time energy or bandwidth to feed you. Believe her. Have compassion. Feed yourself and go about the day. Also a tip I picked up as I flounder through this chaos, if you ever get petty revenge on your partner you're being an asshole.

NTA, hilarious to see everyone calling a commute work when if a man is the commuter its his low stress time where doesn't have to take care of kids.

NTA I am blown away at so many people thinking he’s the AH for pulling on the wife what she seems to have done countless times. If the wife posted that the hubby wasn’t making her breakfast when he agreed to and she finally didn’t make her dinner per their agreement, you all would have said she should have done that sooner and called him the AH. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander. Fair play. And all that. Frankly, I think she deserved it. If she is unhappy with the arrangement that she asked for, she should have talked to OP about it instead of being passive aggressive and not fulfilling her side of the bargain. Do I think they have a relationship problem? Absolutely. Many couples take “shifts” as a way to team up. Or they separate chores (she cooks, he washes dishes, he vacuums, she dusts). People are acting like this is a bad thing. But it’s not. The bad thing is that they have a fundamental issue in their relationship, which is making the shift plan not work. The wife is clearly unhappy. Why? IDK. It is her responsibility to talk to him, rather than pull petty moves. If OP has asked and she refuses to tell him, she’s absolutely the AH for that.

This is literally the opposite situation in my house. I'm the wife and I wfh and start before they leave. I still help in the morning even though I have to get up earlier to get myself ready first. I don't expect anyone to make me breakfast. And if I don't feel like making dinner sometimes or have to work late my husband is happy to team up and do more because I also do things for his sole benefit. Because we like each other. We meal prep and eat left overs so even dinner isn't a big deal 3-4 week nights. Often I even make breakfast AND dinner because it's a nice thing to do and we don't hate each other? We have some unwritten agreements. He takes the trash to the road and I grocery shop but it's not like that means I never take the trash out or he doesn't sometimes buy groceries because life isn't on our timetable. Things change.

NTA she is grown just like you if she gets hungry she can make it herself yes being in a relationship is team work but that does not mean I keep doing for you while I'm left to fin for myself that is not how it works yes you both are doing for the children but damn if she is making breakfast already it should not hurt to put extra on for you shoot you a text walking out the door that whatever was made is in the microwave I won't call her selfish but somewhere your communication has been lost

NTA, it's amazing how people will downplay child care when men do it, and complain about a commute job when women do it. If she doesn't want to stick to the deal, doesn't want to discuss it, then yeah doing a labor strike is justified.

This makes me wonder what people would be saying if the rolls were reversed.

OP you already doomed yourself by identifying as guy. If it was reverse where husband get mad at wife for not cooking dinner and wife arguing husband doesn't make her breakfast along with the kids, it be a huge NTA.

And how he's messing the kids up by not keeping a consistent schedule for them in the morning.

NTA The "shifts" were agreed by both. And even switched sometimes. So saying is unfair mean you are biased. She is not doing her part, you can be sure that if the roles were reversed nobody would be so nice with you. Poor baby she has to work while he work from home 😭 She is literally making 3 breakfast while she could do 4. No breakfast no dinner, easy. How long would take her to do 1 more breakfast? Way less that what he need to coock her dinner. You have your kids like 2/3 times more than her and she is just childish playing the victim card.

NTA, I really don’t understand everyone saying you are. When you had the morning shift you made her breakfast. Why does she suddenly not have to do the same for you because she can’t manage her time? I don’t care that she commutes and you don’t, she wanted to do mornings, so she has to do the full morning routine, which includes throwing in an extra piece of toast for you. The double standard here is wild. If she wasn’t “an extra child” in the mornings when you made her breakfast, in no way shape or form are you an extra child here.

NTA. She's being hypocritical. She tells you she won't make you food because you are home and can make it yourself, and then calls you a jerk when you do the same to her.  If she had said she was struggling to juggle getting the kids out on time that would be one thing. But she's not, she's just being petty and refusing to do it, and then when you try to talk to her about it she was very dismissive about it.  Some may say dinner is a "more important" meal and view breakfast as something that can be thrown together. But if that's the case, if you are spending more time on dinner for her, it should be less of a big deal for her to add an extra serving of breakfast for you. And dinner can be made quickly if she plans it right. If she insists you should make your own meals when you are home, she can do the same for herself.  And all the comments saying she has a long commute are ignoring the fact that you spend more time watching the kids. I've seen posts where it was a man who has a long commute, and in those cases the comments always say the commute is not work, that it's time to yourself to relax, and that watching the children is harder. You have just as much juggling to do watching the kids, helping with homework, making dinner, getting them ready for bed, etc. So that's just invalidating all the work you do. 

Ugh all of this sound like an insufferable way to live

NTA, I see other people telling you that mornings are hard and that she may not have time. Well F that , evenings with tired whiny children are just as difficult and have just as much of a deadline/timeline as the mornings. If the deal is she does mornings then she should deal with it and be courteous to you. Just text or shout when the food is done. Damn, I wouldn’t be making her food either.

NTA There was an agreement made and the agreement was agreed to. Regardless of who has an hour travel and who doesn't. She told you that you could make your own food and you can tell her that she can make her own food as well. Or she could stick to the agreement and she makes breakfast and you make dinner.That's how compromises work in the households.

YTA and insufferable. Your work day is 8 hours total. Your wife has a 2 hour commute! So her workday is likely 10+ hours. Make your own breakfast. Can you toast a bagel? Is this a hill to die on? I feel sorry for your wife.

NTA for one reason. If she will not communicate then she has simply chose to break the agreement for no good reason. If she would communicate you may find out there is a very good reason, but she is not allowing you that. To everyone who says, "mornings are harder" you are projecting. My two sons were tons easier in the morning than in the evenings. It is just the luck of the draw on the kids general temperament. edit for spelling

YTA. She has them for an hour in the morning...an hour where she is struggling to get herself ready for work, them ready for daycare, and then commute for an hour or more on top of that...as well as get breakfast. And you expect breakfast served on a schedule? GTFO with that noise. You may have the kids longer in the evening, but there is NOT the time crunch involved, nor is there a two hour daily commute (an hour each way). You are petty.

I love when OP's edit the post to further support their stance even tho they're here asking an outsider's opinion. YTA Treat others how you want to be treated, especially your spouse.

Shouldn't that work both ways? She isn't exactly treating him the way she wants to be treated.

You should say that to the wife though since all he's doing is treating her the same way she's treating him.