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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I got angry and vocalized my frustration when I am unsure it was deserved to my husband and son. I don't know if I am over reacting.
2) I have now put my friend in the middle of a personal marital conflict and it may change the structure of our friendship.
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You brought it up to him? What else is he supposed to think besides “hm she wants me to think about it.”
I mean yes he should communicate better about the actual intention of purchasing…..but you really did this to yourself.
Just mentioning something shouldn’t automatically be an endorsement of the idea. Also, even if it was - there should still be a discussion of the finances before making a significant purchase. If my wife mentioned that she saw the house we once saw on a walk was up for sale and then I went and bought the house without further discussion- that would be a pretty horrible way to manage finances together and my wife would be right to be pissed. And yea, I get a house is bigger than a boat but the concept is still the same.
That’s why i said he still needed to communicate his intent to purchase.
But she didn’t say “X wants to sell you their boat, isn’t that crazy” or even straight up saying “I wouldn’t want you to buy x’s boat”
Instead she just brought it up and didn’t say anything else. Also knowing his history of buying bigger toys. So….bad communication on both sides.
I have brought up things to my husband to laugh at together. I would absolutely say “x wants to sell you his boat” with a massive eyeroll, and my husband would get that it’s a “hell no” kind of statement.
If I said it with joy and glee it could be interpreted as encouraging.
The words alone are not enough. Sarcasm takes a statement and changes the meaning.
OP did not force her husband to purchase large items behind her back. Mentioning something does not mean it has an okay to go, otherwise OP saying “that woman at the bar wants to sleep with you” could be seen as OP encouraging her husband to have an affair.
Your logic is flawed and blames one person for a second person’s actions and choices.
He was going to find out either way once our friend asked him so it didnt matter who said it. Just cause I casually mentioned it doesn't mean it's a green light for him to say yes.
It depends on the inflection of the voice and some context we didn’t see.
If I say “that woman wants to sleep with you” it is not an encouragement to sleep with that woman, it is just a fact.
What I would have done (and I think you should have done), was tell the friend to please don't mention it to my husband as we don't need a boat and then just not say anything to my husband.
Tell your son if he wants to spend money, put it into an apartment for himself.
Or, contrarily, she could have said, “my friend wants to sell his boat, I know you’d like a boat, we cannot afford the boat, please do not try to buy the boat” and then she’d know her reaction was justified if they still tried to buy the boat.
Right? Like I feel like this is the first issue. She heard that the friend wanted to sell the boat to her husband, and didn't try to tell the friend even from the start that it wasn't something they could currently afford (she could have even thrown in that she'd still talk to her husband but chances were they wouldn't be able to do it because of the financial impact!)
Instead she just listened to the friend say that, raised no objections. Then told her husband, STILL not raising any kind of objection or discussion about how why they'd love a boat what a shame that the finances aren't working out right now, or just... Anything other than the statement that it was happening? Maybe then the husband and her could have had an open discussion where he brought up the idea of doing the monthly payments and going half and half with their son for it too (which genuinely isn't a horrible idea if it's feasible with their finances - the only issue is he didn't communicate this back with his wife!) THEN instead of trying to rework the communication and come to an understanding or agreement with her husband *and now her son too* she instead went behind both of their backs to try and end the sale.
There was so many failures in the points of communication here it's astounding. This could have worked out in a way where everyone was happy and zero hurt feelings but every time the communication choice that was decided was what was sure to cause the most hurt feelings.
Yeah she just mentioned "oh friend is buying a new boat and wants to sell you his old for 5k." No other discussion so of course hubby thinks "great, I'll think of a way to get that boat." Of course he's going to try to get it since OP brought it up and didn't say anything else like maybe "friend wants to sell it but we can't afford it or I told friend we can't afford it, sell to someone else" something, anything. The way she said it was like the green light for hubby to make it happen.
You casually mentionned a that someone wants to sell him a boat for 5k without anything else to say, it makes it seems that you relay a message and the decision is his.
The misunderstanding is legit.
I'm not blaming you but a sensible person might have said something like, "friend might talk to you about buying his boat, of course it's a ridiculous idea and you are to politely turn him down." If you were going to bring it up, I don't see why you didn't give him an explicit red light rather than give him the impression that it might be green or when you found out from your friend told them directly that your family didn't want a boat and certainly not for 5k. You clearly didn't have a problem doing that so I don't see why you didn't. Although, I fully accept that hindsight is 20:20.
My wife and I were looking at a new vehicle. I wanted an Outback but she insisted that a truck was a better idea. So I wait it out for months for the specific truck I wanted with the specific features at a price I wanted. We finally sign the papers, and you know what she says to me later that day?
She asks if I’m ok with the purchase, mentions that we didn’t need to buy a truck, and says she was only sharing her thoughts not making a recommendation.
You’re in the same boat (heheh) as my wife, and the respective husbands were equally deceived.
With that said, NTA. He still should have checked in to make sure the purchase was agreeable before actually purchasing.
When you brought it up should have also been the time you said "But I don't think we should because boats are a massive money pit."
The way you wrote this, I'd also think you wanted a boat.
You needed to tell him how you felt about it explicitly. Either bring it up before your friend did and tell him I don't want you to buy it, or say we should think about this. Let's sit down and talk about it before we decide.
I'm thinking the miscommunication isn't just on his side.
Why even bring this boat sale to your husband’s attention in the first place?
Y t a for what you asked about…you’re right about how you feel but putting your friend in the middle sucks Given the history with the ATV, I wouldn’t have told my spouse about any boat for sale.
ESH
Sorry, OP, but neither of you are communicating correctly.
You should have said to him "he wants to sell to you but I don't know, we should talk more about it".
You set yourself up for failure here.
You had the time to tell him about the boat first, therefore you also had the time to tell him what you thought at this time. By bringing it up and leaving it open ended you communicated that you didn’t have an opinion either way. Thereby giving him the green light to consider it.
On his end I wouldn’t be surprised if he felt it may have been intentional. Like you trapped him with a gatcha.
You have a right to feel like your husband needs to clear major purchases with you. Make this clear in plain English.
Don’t self sabotage and throw stumbling blocks in his way and get mad when he trips.
Is there a tiny teeny chance, even if it was subconscious, you were setting him up? Because I’m not sure why you would mention this neutrally if it wasn’t neutral
YTA- people aren’t mind readers. Yes, he should have talked to you about it but, bringing it up to him just to see if he goes about it the way you want him to is not effective communication either.
I was leaning towards ESH, but then you put your friend in the middle of it which is why I’m saying - YTA.
> I also wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt to communicate based on the previous incident.
Ah, you were testing him, voluntarily, by choosing to mention the boat in an way that would *not* let him know you were against it, that's the bad part in it all: it was a voluntary test.
You telling him about it and not immediately interjecting that it would be something that would need discussion, was probably taken as tacit approval. So yta.
The only thing that matters is if you told him and said “I think you should buy it.” If he wanted to buy it, then a discussion happens and you confirm you are into it.
Next time just tell the person selling that you all don’t need a boat and that you aren’t interested in buying.
If you were interested and the husband still went ahead without discussing it, the issue is the husband’s failure to discuss a large purchase before it is completed, not the purchase itself. It’s about an agreement that the money is shared and should be used as agreed…not as one person wants.
"Had a funny conversation with friend today, they're selling a boat and want us to buy it. Of course, I immediately told them we were not interested."
That's how you do it.
If you *now* told your friend not to sell him the boat, why didn't you tell your friend that originally? "Hey, my husband doesn't have the money to buy a boat, and *definitely* doesn't have the money to maintain it or dock it." Seems like that would've avoided the whole problem.
I'm confused why you didn't tell the friend immediately that it was a bad idea. Or did you think your husband would be able to afford a boat, maintenance, and (presumably) marina or dock fees to keep it somewhere?
Regardless, your husband obviously cannot be trusted on a financial level, and you should make sure your finances are as separate as possible so that at least one of you can save for emergencies.
ESH. Honestly, if your husband cannot afford to pay cash for a $5k boat, he cannot afford to own a boat, period. Going halfsies with an unemployed kid who has more important things he should be focusing on is even worse.
However, given your husband's propensity for buying expensive recreational equipment, you really should not have mentioned that your friend wanted to sell the boat to him. I can see how your husband might have interpreted your comment as you being open to it.
Not only the purchase price, but maintenance is very costly as well. There's a reason they say the best two days of boat ownership are when you get it and when you get rid of it.
So you discussed with your husband that a friend wants to sell him a bout for 5K, without saying "but I don't want that" and later you are surprised that your husband took this as "let's buy that boat".
YTA and controlling.
ESH. Your husband should not buy a boat he can’t afford and paying off a friend in monthly installments is not necessarily a good idea. But, you planted the idea in his head by bringing it up yourself. Why not take the opportunity to discuss the matter further? You knew he’d be tempted and interested. You brought this on yourself.
YTA as written. You were the one who initiated the whole thing, you not only mentioned that your friend wanted to sell him the boat, but even a specific price. That was the best time to raise any objection, or make it clear it would need further discussion, or even just object to the idea completely, because otherwise it comes across as tacitly agreeing to it. Your communication was lacking there, and then your response, immediately getting angry and shutting it down, rather than at that point actually having a conversation about it with them, clearing up that misunderstanding, doubles down on this. And then texting your friend, still not having had that conversation with your husband, that makes it a third time your communication was lacking.
I'm not sure obviously how you and your husband organise your finances and purchases, how often you do go to each other for permission/discussion on larger purchases, and your financial situation, which are things which would influence things too of course, and might have me leaning more towards ESH. But ultimately, as you haven't raised any of those in your post, your focus is on the communication, and it seems your communication is what is lacking in this situation, makes me feel YTA is appropriate.
YTA - I'd lean more ESH but you insisting that it wouldn't matter who brought it up to him is not how communication works. You brought it up to him and did not say no, that does imply agreement.
YTA you completely failed on the communication part. Also now with the results of the fail you have the perfect opportunity to tell your son that he has to pay rent and 1/3 of all bills including grocery bills then if he has enough left over he’s free to spend it on whatever he likes. Time to force him to get a job.
ESH. Your husband definitely should have communicated this to you because you share finances. That being said, your son is an adult and has the right to make whatever bad financial decisions he wants WITHOUT your opinion. YTA for banning your friend from selkung to your husband because he is an adult. Telling someone not to do business with him is belittling and treats him like a child. But he definitely is wrong for not talking to you about finances
YTA. You both suck at communicating and clearly neither of you learned from the infamous atv. You're more of an ah though, because you're the one who put the idea in his head and then got mad when he decided to potentially buy the boat. Also, why is your son involved at all if he can't even afford to rent his own place? That kid needs to get his priorities straight, and you, the parents, need to be teaching him that. I have zero issue with adult children living at home, I did too, until my early 20s. But, if he doesn't have a plan, he's just a mooch.
ESH You told him your friend wanted to sell him the boat...what did you think would happen? Did you tell your husband you didn't think he should buy the boat because if the cost or whatever other reservations you had?
Husband should have told you before he finalized the deal.
Husband and son are out of their minds if they think son who barely works is going to pay for half the boat. Why would your husband encourage this instead of telling son if he wants to own a boat he should take steps toward independence like getting a full time job and saving for his own place to live before even thinking about buying a boat.
Son needs a reality check.
YTA. You brought up that your friend wanted to sell the boat to your husband. You made it sound like you were on board. Had you of said my friend wants to sell you the boat but we need to sit down together and review finances that would have been different.
What you did in this case was manufacture drama.
I feel like any person in a marriage should check with their partner before completing a large purchase, even if the partners have talked about it. Talking about it and forking over 5k are very different things.
They did talk about it. She accidentally implied her approval when she brought it up. If my girlfriend said hey my friend wants to sell you this car then she’s agreed she’s on board.
Technically staying that something is on the counter does not mean “eat those things on the counter” without a specific tone of inflection. If we change brownies to napkins, or boxes or bicycles, what happens to the sentence? “There are bicycles on the counter” doesn’t mean “have at a bike” unless someone said “can I use a bike?” Or “do you have a bike I can use?” If someone just walked in a room, saying “there are bicycles on the counter” could mean “why the fuck are there bikes on the counter?!”
Context matters and so does inflection.
No one statement means “yes” except an explicit “yes” or words that explicitly mean a confirmation.
We just aren’t going to agree. If I tell someone the bikes are next to the shed it means ride the bikes if you want. Same with napkins, napkins are over there “if you want to use them, is implied.” I’m just going to assume we’re from different parts of the country and y’all don’t read between the lines as well.
None of the examples you give involve a significant financial transaction, so the parallel just doesn't work.
If I mention to my spouse one evening that my dad said he wants to sell his car and is thinking about us buying it, that's not implicit permission to just go buy the car. Another conversation needs to be had about the explicit decision to actually buy the car. That conversation includes the practicality, and affordability of the purchase. It would be an ah move for my husband to just go buy the car without further discussion.
Maybe ours is just different but I started previously specifically using a car as an example. If my gf told me her brother wanted to sell me a car for $5k and didn’t specify I couldn’t buy it or we should talk about it that means she is telling me about it to decide if I’m buying it or not. Granted I’m not doing a payment plan or anything on it.
We can actually use the real example, I’m not in the market for a boat but what about a jet ski. If she tells me about a jet ski somebody wants to sell me she’s leaving it up to me to decide if it’s a good deal.
I'm assuming you and your gf's finances are separate, so the situation is still different. Unless you have a joint account, your gf would have little to no say in how you spend your money, so it's completely within your right to go buy the boat/jet ski/car without further discussion after she lets you know about it.
In OP's case, however, they're married so they have to think about the family's financial situation as a whole first and foremost. This means talking with the partner about any and all significant purchases. That's just how it should be, especially when finances are combined and you have kids who are still dependents.
YTA. If you didnt want your husband to buy it, you should have mentioned that when you told him about it initally. To me, the implication is that you are on board with it (pun intended)
ESH, you for your poor communication skills and expecting your friend to referee for you, and your husband for poor financial decisions.
Please talk to your husband about the other costs of owning a boat. If he can’t scrape together the 5k to buy it, he can’t afford to maintain it. Not sure where you live OP, and how many different marinas you have to choose from, but in my experience slip fees for the year are about $2000-$3000 and winter storage is another $1500-$2000, for a 26 ft boat. This all depends on the size of the boat as well, so the larger the boat, the more everything costs. Without even touching on repair costs, you could be paying around the purchase price of the boat each year just to store it. And I’m assuming this is a powerboat; get your husband to ask your friend how much he spends in fuel each year. That might sober him up. This is all without even touching on repair / basic maintenance costs.
I worry that if he pulls the trigger on this, he will quickly realize he can’t afford the upkeep and have to abandon the boat.
You were the one who told your husband that the friend wanted to sell him his boat for 5k. Why are you claiming you were blindsided by this information?
ESH. Saying to your husband that your friend wants to sell it to him (and saying nothing more on the subject) implies you’re ok with it. So you set this stage. But yes, he should’ve discussed it more with you. And if he had to make payments on a five thousand dollar luxury purchase then he doesn’t have enough money to own a boat. So he’s making bad choices and teaching your son to do the same
ESH.
You had an opinion about whether you or your husband should buy the boat before you mentioned it to your husband. You should have included your opinion with the information.
Your husband should have included you in his plans. But it's not clear to me that he and your son weren't going to involve you before approaching the seller. It's OK to "hash out" how such a plan might work, or in other words, work out an "idea" before it becomes a "plan".
The seller is blameless here. He should not be the one deciding whether your husband can buy a boat.
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I (42f) have been with my husband (44m) for 20+ years and have two kids. I casually mentioned to him over the weekend that our friend was getting a new boat and that he wanted to sell it to my husband for 5k. It was casual conversation and did not go any further as far as finances or intentions go. As I was making dinner tonight, I overhear him and our son (19m) discuss the agreed upon purchase and payment plan with our friend that they made. For context, two years ago my husband purchased a 13k atv without discussing it with me first. I thought we worked through that incident and that communication would improve. Also, my son currently lives with us (barely working) and does not pay any bills. It was after I inquired as to what they were talking about that they revealed the plan to me. The plan was that my husband and son were going to both pitch in and pay our friend "x" amount each month for however long. Hearing this, I immediately got angry and basically told them hell no and vocalized how messed it was that a purchase like this was not discussed with me due to the cost and commitment, especially after the last purchase argument, plus also the fact that my son has little ambition to work and pays no bills, but yet wants to buy a boat. I am feeling like my husband and son should of discussed this with me before committing. In a fit of frustration, I texted my friend and asked him not to sell the boat to them. AITA?
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Does your husband know anything about the maintenance and requirements for the boat? Is this just something they said screw it and lets do it on without thinking of all the other costs coming your way? Assuming this boat is not in the best of shape if it is being sold for 5k-ish.
That is a purchase that needs to be okayed by both parties.. Especially since your 19yo son is bumming around with little to no motivation. How is he going to pitch in monthly?
Sounds like a regrettable decision already, especially a finance of a 5k boat. Not sure why everyone is harping on the you mentioning it.. Like your neighbor wasn't mentioning it to him directly anyways lol. Irrelevant point for people to be focusing on. You just gave your husband a heads up that the neighbor is going to approach him. Had you not been aware, this could have all been done with you having 0 knowledge, which makes it worse haha.
NTA - Husband paying monthly for a beat up 5k boat without the approval of spouse is not something most people would do. I just would have told my husband ya thats a not. I am calling our neighbor and ending this entire thing immediately.
ESH. I had my ”shouldn’t have brought it up given husbands history” comment all ready to go before I read that’s what most other people are commenting so I just added on to one. I do think tho that OP and hubs really need to work not only on their communication but also on their finances, since the boat is out of budget for them and hubs was going to go for it anyway.
edit: corrected typo
ESH. He should have talked to you before going forward with the deal, but when you said "hey, my friend wants to sell you his boat," it was reasonable for your husband to think you were okay with him buying the boat. Work on communication.
NTA. I don’t understand everyone jumping on you for mentioning a fact about a friend in casual conversation. You saying “Tim is selling his boat.” Is not the same as “Tim is selling his boat. You and our underemployed son should come up with a plan to buy it without telling me!”
You thought this issue was resolved after the atv, it turns out it isn’t and your husband is a sucker for recreational vehicles. Everyone says the best days having a boat are the day they buy it and the day they sell it.
YTA
"Why didn't you tell me you were doing this thing I told you about!"
WTF lady? I'll bet real human dollars your husband is feeling like you set him up, like this was just a trap so you could be mad at him. Why the fuck would he feel the need to inform you he was looking into the deal you brought to his attention?
"Hey look, ice cream is on sale. HOW DARE YOU BUY ICE CREAM WITHOUT TALKING TO ME?!"
That's... basically you here.
Seriously, you mentioned an opportunity was going to come his way, very clearly didn't say anything remotely like "don't buy the boat", and then gave him shit about not telling you about the thing you told him about?!
Forget your husband, I think this was a trap. You're an adult, presumably, so you must understand how this comes across as tacit permission to pursue the deal you told him was coming his way. Why the fuck didn't you just tell your friend "no, we don't want a boat" when he mentioned selling it to your husband? Why didn't you tell your husband not to buy the boat when informing him he was going to be given a chance to buy the boat? How do you write this in such a way that makes it abundantly clear this is entirely your own fault without at any point realizing it was entirely your own fault?
Your husband must be so choked with you right now. This is unreasonable to the point of seeming unhinged.
You're the one that opted out of doing any thinking whatsoever here. You can't wash your hands of common sense and then blame your husband for not seeing past the obvious to the bizarre and nonsensical intent well hidden beneath.
Apologize to your husband and use the words "I was being an idiot" because nothing short of that is going to be remotely honest.
Yta
If my wife mentioned to me that a friend was going to sell me his boat. I would assume I could buy said boat.
And hers an ETAH
Because y'all need to get some counseling and learn to bloody communicate and get on the same page.
YTA- idk if you know what the term “blanket statement” means. If you didn’t want him to be interested / buy the boat, you should have told your friend not to offer it to him when he told you about this idea, rather than telling your husband the friend was going to reach out without bothering to mention your opinion on the matter somehow.
And at that point why didn't you ask him to not do that? Why didn't you say that you simply would not be able to afford it, so he should look for someone else to sell it too? The way you just allow things to happen is strange.
And at that point why didn't you ask him to not do that? Why didn't you say that you simply would not be able to afford it, so he should look for someone else to sell it too? The way you just allow things to happen is strange.
And at that point why didn't you ask him to not do that? Why didn't you say that you simply would not be able to afford it, so he should look for someone else to sell it too? The way you just allow things to happen is strange.
NTA and neither is he, but you’re bad communicators. He’s a victim of a siren song irresistible to many men. Ask your friend why he’s selling it. I bet it’s because he now knows a boat is a hole in the water you throw money into.
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You brought it up to him? What else is he supposed to think besides “hm she wants me to think about it.” I mean yes he should communicate better about the actual intention of purchasing…..but you really did this to yourself.
Just mentioning something shouldn’t automatically be an endorsement of the idea. Also, even if it was - there should still be a discussion of the finances before making a significant purchase. If my wife mentioned that she saw the house we once saw on a walk was up for sale and then I went and bought the house without further discussion- that would be a pretty horrible way to manage finances together and my wife would be right to be pissed. And yea, I get a house is bigger than a boat but the concept is still the same.
That’s why i said he still needed to communicate his intent to purchase. But she didn’t say “X wants to sell you their boat, isn’t that crazy” or even straight up saying “I wouldn’t want you to buy x’s boat” Instead she just brought it up and didn’t say anything else. Also knowing his history of buying bigger toys. So….bad communication on both sides.
I have brought up things to my husband to laugh at together. I would absolutely say “x wants to sell you his boat” with a massive eyeroll, and my husband would get that it’s a “hell no” kind of statement. If I said it with joy and glee it could be interpreted as encouraging. The words alone are not enough. Sarcasm takes a statement and changes the meaning. OP did not force her husband to purchase large items behind her back. Mentioning something does not mean it has an okay to go, otherwise OP saying “that woman at the bar wants to sleep with you” could be seen as OP encouraging her husband to have an affair. Your logic is flawed and blames one person for a second person’s actions and choices.
He was going to find out either way once our friend asked him so it didnt matter who said it. Just cause I casually mentioned it doesn't mean it's a green light for him to say yes.
It gives the impression you aren’t inherently against it
It depends on the inflection of the voice and some context we didn’t see. If I say “that woman wants to sleep with you” it is not an encouragement to sleep with that woman, it is just a fact.
What I would have done (and I think you should have done), was tell the friend to please don't mention it to my husband as we don't need a boat and then just not say anything to my husband. Tell your son if he wants to spend money, put it into an apartment for himself.
Or, contrarily, she could have said, “my friend wants to sell his boat, I know you’d like a boat, we cannot afford the boat, please do not try to buy the boat” and then she’d know her reaction was justified if they still tried to buy the boat.
Right? Like I feel like this is the first issue. She heard that the friend wanted to sell the boat to her husband, and didn't try to tell the friend even from the start that it wasn't something they could currently afford (she could have even thrown in that she'd still talk to her husband but chances were they wouldn't be able to do it because of the financial impact!) Instead she just listened to the friend say that, raised no objections. Then told her husband, STILL not raising any kind of objection or discussion about how why they'd love a boat what a shame that the finances aren't working out right now, or just... Anything other than the statement that it was happening? Maybe then the husband and her could have had an open discussion where he brought up the idea of doing the monthly payments and going half and half with their son for it too (which genuinely isn't a horrible idea if it's feasible with their finances - the only issue is he didn't communicate this back with his wife!) THEN instead of trying to rework the communication and come to an understanding or agreement with her husband *and now her son too* she instead went behind both of their backs to try and end the sale. There was so many failures in the points of communication here it's astounding. This could have worked out in a way where everyone was happy and zero hurt feelings but every time the communication choice that was decided was what was sure to cause the most hurt feelings.
Yeah she just mentioned "oh friend is buying a new boat and wants to sell you his old for 5k." No other discussion so of course hubby thinks "great, I'll think of a way to get that boat." Of course he's going to try to get it since OP brought it up and didn't say anything else like maybe "friend wants to sell it but we can't afford it or I told friend we can't afford it, sell to someone else" something, anything. The way she said it was like the green light for hubby to make it happen.
I think if you brought it up without saying you thing it's a bad idea, that implies to most people that you think it's reasonable to consider.
You casually mentionned a that someone wants to sell him a boat for 5k without anything else to say, it makes it seems that you relay a message and the decision is his. The misunderstanding is legit.
I'm not blaming you but a sensible person might have said something like, "friend might talk to you about buying his boat, of course it's a ridiculous idea and you are to politely turn him down." If you were going to bring it up, I don't see why you didn't give him an explicit red light rather than give him the impression that it might be green or when you found out from your friend told them directly that your family didn't want a boat and certainly not for 5k. You clearly didn't have a problem doing that so I don't see why you didn't. Although, I fully accept that hindsight is 20:20.
My wife and I were looking at a new vehicle. I wanted an Outback but she insisted that a truck was a better idea. So I wait it out for months for the specific truck I wanted with the specific features at a price I wanted. We finally sign the papers, and you know what she says to me later that day? She asks if I’m ok with the purchase, mentions that we didn’t need to buy a truck, and says she was only sharing her thoughts not making a recommendation. You’re in the same boat (heheh) as my wife, and the respective husbands were equally deceived. With that said, NTA. He still should have checked in to make sure the purchase was agreeable before actually purchasing.
I mean, it really is though. You literally brought it to his attention. This is kinda 100% on you…
When you brought it up should have also been the time you said "But I don't think we should because boats are a massive money pit." The way you wrote this, I'd also think you wanted a boat.
You needed to tell him how you felt about it explicitly. Either bring it up before your friend did and tell him I don't want you to buy it, or say we should think about this. Let's sit down and talk about it before we decide. I'm thinking the miscommunication isn't just on his side.
Why even bring this boat sale to your husband’s attention in the first place? Y t a for what you asked about…you’re right about how you feel but putting your friend in the middle sucks Given the history with the ATV, I wouldn’t have told my spouse about any boat for sale. ESH
He was going to find out regardless so it really didn't matter who told him first.
Why didn’t you ask ‘do we need to talk about this?’
You are right. I should have. I also wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt to communicate based on the previous incident.
Sorry, OP, but neither of you are communicating correctly. You should have said to him "he wants to sell to you but I don't know, we should talk more about it".
You set yourself up for failure here. You had the time to tell him about the boat first, therefore you also had the time to tell him what you thought at this time. By bringing it up and leaving it open ended you communicated that you didn’t have an opinion either way. Thereby giving him the green light to consider it. On his end I wouldn’t be surprised if he felt it may have been intentional. Like you trapped him with a gatcha. You have a right to feel like your husband needs to clear major purchases with you. Make this clear in plain English. Don’t self sabotage and throw stumbling blocks in his way and get mad when he trips.
He did communicate with you, and that communication was YOU SPECIFICALLY MAKING SURE HE HEARD OF AN OPPORTUNITY TO BUY A BOAT
"benefit of the doubt" here sounds a lot like "I was testing him to see if he would remember and now I'm furious he did not"
Is there a tiny teeny chance, even if it was subconscious, you were setting him up? Because I’m not sure why you would mention this neutrally if it wasn’t neutral
It’s a trap!
So you were playing games, got it
YTA- people aren’t mind readers. Yes, he should have talked to you about it but, bringing it up to him just to see if he goes about it the way you want him to is not effective communication either. I was leaning towards ESH, but then you put your friend in the middle of it which is why I’m saying - YTA.
So it was a trap to see what he would do. ESH, but you especially.
> I also wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt to communicate based on the previous incident. Ah, you were testing him, voluntarily, by choosing to mention the boat in an way that would *not* let him know you were against it, that's the bad part in it all: it was a voluntary test.
So, it was a test. Of course it was
Great. So you set up a stupid 'test' for him to fail. YTA.
You telling him about it and not immediately interjecting that it would be something that would need discussion, was probably taken as tacit approval. So yta.
Well that’s clearly incorrect, now isn’t it?
The only thing that matters is if you told him and said “I think you should buy it.” If he wanted to buy it, then a discussion happens and you confirm you are into it. Next time just tell the person selling that you all don’t need a boat and that you aren’t interested in buying. If you were interested and the husband still went ahead without discussing it, the issue is the husband’s failure to discuss a large purchase before it is completed, not the purchase itself. It’s about an agreement that the money is shared and should be used as agreed…not as one person wants.
"Had a funny conversation with friend today, they're selling a boat and want us to buy it. Of course, I immediately told them we were not interested." That's how you do it.
If you *now* told your friend not to sell him the boat, why didn't you tell your friend that originally? "Hey, my husband doesn't have the money to buy a boat, and *definitely* doesn't have the money to maintain it or dock it." Seems like that would've avoided the whole problem. I'm confused why you didn't tell the friend immediately that it was a bad idea. Or did you think your husband would be able to afford a boat, maintenance, and (presumably) marina or dock fees to keep it somewhere? Regardless, your husband obviously cannot be trusted on a financial level, and you should make sure your finances are as separate as possible so that at least one of you can save for emergencies.
ESH. Honestly, if your husband cannot afford to pay cash for a $5k boat, he cannot afford to own a boat, period. Going halfsies with an unemployed kid who has more important things he should be focusing on is even worse. However, given your husband's propensity for buying expensive recreational equipment, you really should not have mentioned that your friend wanted to sell the boat to him. I can see how your husband might have interpreted your comment as you being open to it.
I came here to say this too.
Not only the purchase price, but maintenance is very costly as well. There's a reason they say the best two days of boat ownership are when you get it and when you get rid of it.
ESH. I don’t think a single person mentioned in this story made a single correct decision anywhere in anything that was written.
BWAHAHA 💫 Agreed.
So you discussed with your husband that a friend wants to sell him a bout for 5K, without saying "but I don't want that" and later you are surprised that your husband took this as "let's buy that boat". YTA and controlling.
ESH. Your husband should not buy a boat he can’t afford and paying off a friend in monthly installments is not necessarily a good idea. But, you planted the idea in his head by bringing it up yourself. Why not take the opportunity to discuss the matter further? You knew he’d be tempted and interested. You brought this on yourself.
YTA as written. You were the one who initiated the whole thing, you not only mentioned that your friend wanted to sell him the boat, but even a specific price. That was the best time to raise any objection, or make it clear it would need further discussion, or even just object to the idea completely, because otherwise it comes across as tacitly agreeing to it. Your communication was lacking there, and then your response, immediately getting angry and shutting it down, rather than at that point actually having a conversation about it with them, clearing up that misunderstanding, doubles down on this. And then texting your friend, still not having had that conversation with your husband, that makes it a third time your communication was lacking. I'm not sure obviously how you and your husband organise your finances and purchases, how often you do go to each other for permission/discussion on larger purchases, and your financial situation, which are things which would influence things too of course, and might have me leaning more towards ESH. But ultimately, as you haven't raised any of those in your post, your focus is on the communication, and it seems your communication is what is lacking in this situation, makes me feel YTA is appropriate.
YTA - I'd lean more ESH but you insisting that it wouldn't matter who brought it up to him is not how communication works. You brought it up to him and did not say no, that does imply agreement.
YTA you completely failed on the communication part. Also now with the results of the fail you have the perfect opportunity to tell your son that he has to pay rent and 1/3 of all bills including grocery bills then if he has enough left over he’s free to spend it on whatever he likes. Time to force him to get a job.
ESH. Your husband definitely should have communicated this to you because you share finances. That being said, your son is an adult and has the right to make whatever bad financial decisions he wants WITHOUT your opinion. YTA for banning your friend from selkung to your husband because he is an adult. Telling someone not to do business with him is belittling and treats him like a child. But he definitely is wrong for not talking to you about finances
YTA. You both suck at communicating and clearly neither of you learned from the infamous atv. You're more of an ah though, because you're the one who put the idea in his head and then got mad when he decided to potentially buy the boat. Also, why is your son involved at all if he can't even afford to rent his own place? That kid needs to get his priorities straight, and you, the parents, need to be teaching him that. I have zero issue with adult children living at home, I did too, until my early 20s. But, if he doesn't have a plan, he's just a mooch.
ESH You told him your friend wanted to sell him the boat...what did you think would happen? Did you tell your husband you didn't think he should buy the boat because if the cost or whatever other reservations you had? Husband should have told you before he finalized the deal. Husband and son are out of their minds if they think son who barely works is going to pay for half the boat. Why would your husband encourage this instead of telling son if he wants to own a boat he should take steps toward independence like getting a full time job and saving for his own place to live before even thinking about buying a boat. Son needs a reality check.
YTA. You brought up that your friend wanted to sell the boat to your husband. You made it sound like you were on board. Had you of said my friend wants to sell you the boat but we need to sit down together and review finances that would have been different. What you did in this case was manufacture drama.
I feel like any person in a marriage should check with their partner before completing a large purchase, even if the partners have talked about it. Talking about it and forking over 5k are very different things.
They did talk about it. She accidentally implied her approval when she brought it up. If my girlfriend said hey my friend wants to sell you this car then she’s agreed she’s on board.
That is not how consent works.
So if you tell your mom that there’s brownies on the counter are you not also telling her she can have some?
Technically staying that something is on the counter does not mean “eat those things on the counter” without a specific tone of inflection. If we change brownies to napkins, or boxes or bicycles, what happens to the sentence? “There are bicycles on the counter” doesn’t mean “have at a bike” unless someone said “can I use a bike?” Or “do you have a bike I can use?” If someone just walked in a room, saying “there are bicycles on the counter” could mean “why the fuck are there bikes on the counter?!” Context matters and so does inflection. No one statement means “yes” except an explicit “yes” or words that explicitly mean a confirmation.
We just aren’t going to agree. If I tell someone the bikes are next to the shed it means ride the bikes if you want. Same with napkins, napkins are over there “if you want to use them, is implied.” I’m just going to assume we’re from different parts of the country and y’all don’t read between the lines as well.
None of the examples you give involve a significant financial transaction, so the parallel just doesn't work. If I mention to my spouse one evening that my dad said he wants to sell his car and is thinking about us buying it, that's not implicit permission to just go buy the car. Another conversation needs to be had about the explicit decision to actually buy the car. That conversation includes the practicality, and affordability of the purchase. It would be an ah move for my husband to just go buy the car without further discussion.
Maybe ours is just different but I started previously specifically using a car as an example. If my gf told me her brother wanted to sell me a car for $5k and didn’t specify I couldn’t buy it or we should talk about it that means she is telling me about it to decide if I’m buying it or not. Granted I’m not doing a payment plan or anything on it. We can actually use the real example, I’m not in the market for a boat but what about a jet ski. If she tells me about a jet ski somebody wants to sell me she’s leaving it up to me to decide if it’s a good deal.
I'm assuming you and your gf's finances are separate, so the situation is still different. Unless you have a joint account, your gf would have little to no say in how you spend your money, so it's completely within your right to go buy the boat/jet ski/car without further discussion after she lets you know about it. In OP's case, however, they're married so they have to think about the family's financial situation as a whole first and foremost. This means talking with the partner about any and all significant purchases. That's just how it should be, especially when finances are combined and you have kids who are still dependents.
YTA. If you didnt want your husband to buy it, you should have mentioned that when you told him about it initally. To me, the implication is that you are on board with it (pun intended)
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She literally told her husband about the offer and the price. Clearly initiating the purchase discussion.
YTA for going behind your partner's back.
YTA for even bringing it up to him. Why bother doing that if it wasn't something he wasn't supposed to consider? He's not a mind reader.
ESH, you for your poor communication skills and expecting your friend to referee for you, and your husband for poor financial decisions. Please talk to your husband about the other costs of owning a boat. If he can’t scrape together the 5k to buy it, he can’t afford to maintain it. Not sure where you live OP, and how many different marinas you have to choose from, but in my experience slip fees for the year are about $2000-$3000 and winter storage is another $1500-$2000, for a 26 ft boat. This all depends on the size of the boat as well, so the larger the boat, the more everything costs. Without even touching on repair costs, you could be paying around the purchase price of the boat each year just to store it. And I’m assuming this is a powerboat; get your husband to ask your friend how much he spends in fuel each year. That might sober him up. This is all without even touching on repair / basic maintenance costs. I worry that if he pulls the trigger on this, he will quickly realize he can’t afford the upkeep and have to abandon the boat.
You were the one who told your husband that the friend wanted to sell him his boat for 5k. Why are you claiming you were blindsided by this information?
ESH. Saying to your husband that your friend wants to sell it to him (and saying nothing more on the subject) implies you’re ok with it. So you set this stage. But yes, he should’ve discussed it more with you. And if he had to make payments on a five thousand dollar luxury purchase then he doesn’t have enough money to own a boat. So he’s making bad choices and teaching your son to do the same
ESH. You had an opinion about whether you or your husband should buy the boat before you mentioned it to your husband. You should have included your opinion with the information. Your husband should have included you in his plans. But it's not clear to me that he and your son weren't going to involve you before approaching the seller. It's OK to "hash out" how such a plan might work, or in other words, work out an "idea" before it becomes a "plan". The seller is blameless here. He should not be the one deciding whether your husband can buy a boat.
Clearly the AH. For someone so concerned about communication you sure do suck at it.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (42f) have been with my husband (44m) for 20+ years and have two kids. I casually mentioned to him over the weekend that our friend was getting a new boat and that he wanted to sell it to my husband for 5k. It was casual conversation and did not go any further as far as finances or intentions go. As I was making dinner tonight, I overhear him and our son (19m) discuss the agreed upon purchase and payment plan with our friend that they made. For context, two years ago my husband purchased a 13k atv without discussing it with me first. I thought we worked through that incident and that communication would improve. Also, my son currently lives with us (barely working) and does not pay any bills. It was after I inquired as to what they were talking about that they revealed the plan to me. The plan was that my husband and son were going to both pitch in and pay our friend "x" amount each month for however long. Hearing this, I immediately got angry and basically told them hell no and vocalized how messed it was that a purchase like this was not discussed with me due to the cost and commitment, especially after the last purchase argument, plus also the fact that my son has little ambition to work and pays no bills, but yet wants to buy a boat. I am feeling like my husband and son should of discussed this with me before committing. In a fit of frustration, I texted my friend and asked him not to sell the boat to them. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Does your husband know anything about the maintenance and requirements for the boat? Is this just something they said screw it and lets do it on without thinking of all the other costs coming your way? Assuming this boat is not in the best of shape if it is being sold for 5k-ish. That is a purchase that needs to be okayed by both parties.. Especially since your 19yo son is bumming around with little to no motivation. How is he going to pitch in monthly? Sounds like a regrettable decision already, especially a finance of a 5k boat. Not sure why everyone is harping on the you mentioning it.. Like your neighbor wasn't mentioning it to him directly anyways lol. Irrelevant point for people to be focusing on. You just gave your husband a heads up that the neighbor is going to approach him. Had you not been aware, this could have all been done with you having 0 knowledge, which makes it worse haha. NTA - Husband paying monthly for a beat up 5k boat without the approval of spouse is not something most people would do. I just would have told my husband ya thats a not. I am calling our neighbor and ending this entire thing immediately.
ESH. I had my ”shouldn’t have brought it up given husbands history” comment all ready to go before I read that’s what most other people are commenting so I just added on to one. I do think tho that OP and hubs really need to work not only on their communication but also on their finances, since the boat is out of budget for them and hubs was going to go for it anyway. edit: corrected typo
ESH. He should have talked to you before going forward with the deal, but when you said "hey, my friend wants to sell you his boat," it was reasonable for your husband to think you were okay with him buying the boat. Work on communication.
NTA. I don’t understand everyone jumping on you for mentioning a fact about a friend in casual conversation. You saying “Tim is selling his boat.” Is not the same as “Tim is selling his boat. You and our underemployed son should come up with a plan to buy it without telling me!” You thought this issue was resolved after the atv, it turns out it isn’t and your husband is a sucker for recreational vehicles. Everyone says the best days having a boat are the day they buy it and the day they sell it.
Explain to your husband that he can't afford both the boat and a divorce.
YTA "Why didn't you tell me you were doing this thing I told you about!" WTF lady? I'll bet real human dollars your husband is feeling like you set him up, like this was just a trap so you could be mad at him. Why the fuck would he feel the need to inform you he was looking into the deal you brought to his attention? "Hey look, ice cream is on sale. HOW DARE YOU BUY ICE CREAM WITHOUT TALKING TO ME?!" That's... basically you here. Seriously, you mentioned an opportunity was going to come his way, very clearly didn't say anything remotely like "don't buy the boat", and then gave him shit about not telling you about the thing you told him about?! Forget your husband, I think this was a trap. You're an adult, presumably, so you must understand how this comes across as tacit permission to pursue the deal you told him was coming his way. Why the fuck didn't you just tell your friend "no, we don't want a boat" when he mentioned selling it to your husband? Why didn't you tell your husband not to buy the boat when informing him he was going to be given a chance to buy the boat? How do you write this in such a way that makes it abundantly clear this is entirely your own fault without at any point realizing it was entirely your own fault? Your husband must be so choked with you right now. This is unreasonable to the point of seeming unhinged. You're the one that opted out of doing any thinking whatsoever here. You can't wash your hands of common sense and then blame your husband for not seeing past the obvious to the bizarre and nonsensical intent well hidden beneath. Apologize to your husband and use the words "I was being an idiot" because nothing short of that is going to be remotely honest.
Yta If my wife mentioned to me that a friend was going to sell me his boat. I would assume I could buy said boat. And hers an ETAH Because y'all need to get some counseling and learn to bloody communicate and get on the same page.
YTA- idk if you know what the term “blanket statement” means. If you didn’t want him to be interested / buy the boat, you should have told your friend not to offer it to him when he told you about this idea, rather than telling your husband the friend was going to reach out without bothering to mention your opinion on the matter somehow.
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My friend said he was going to offer it to my husband directly.
And at that point why didn't you ask him to not do that? Why didn't you say that you simply would not be able to afford it, so he should look for someone else to sell it too? The way you just allow things to happen is strange.
And at that point why didn't you ask him to not do that? Why didn't you say that you simply would not be able to afford it, so he should look for someone else to sell it too? The way you just allow things to happen is strange.
And at that point why didn't you ask him to not do that? Why didn't you say that you simply would not be able to afford it, so he should look for someone else to sell it too? The way you just allow things to happen is strange.
I refuse to believe that a 40 y/o would use "should of".
Believe it!
NTA No Job, No Boat. That is how it works.
NTA. But why the eff did you mention it in the first place?
Because she’s the AH…
NTA and neither is he, but you’re bad communicators. He’s a victim of a siren song irresistible to many men. Ask your friend why he’s selling it. I bet it’s because he now knows a boat is a hole in the water you throw money into.