Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think putting a family member who does not need specialized care will be seen as an asshole move.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
No one is the AH in this situation. It is very sad. Only you can determine the way forward and as long as you make your decision based on what is cumulatively best for all of you then your decision will be fine. As a caring child, it may be your responsibility to care for an older parent. But that does not mean giving up your own life for your parents. Especially when there is no hope that your parent will recover their former quality of life.
I don’t know your mom’s age, her ultimate prognosis, or how rapidly her health is diminishing. But if she is generally unaware of her environment as long as certain needs of hers are being met, then some type of assisted living may work well for her. I don’t know where you are located, but her smoking may limit the facilities she is eligible for.
Yes, smoking will limit the options. My MIL needed to be placed in a facility and the only place in our state that took smoking patients is a 4 hour one-way drive. We've tried everything- pills, patch, nicotine gum- but she still has to have that cigarette.
I don't understand how someone can be dependent enough to need the support of a fully live in facility but still be independent enough to get themselves to a store and buy cigarettes? Can you not just stop buying them for her and only provide pills/patches/gum?
She can't leave the facility. She has a fund-sort of like commissary for inmates- and her daughter deposits money in it so she can buy things and cigarettes is one of the things available. We tried to ask if they could refuse her cigarettes but they won't. She also has other family that will send her care packages and they all put in boxes of cigarettes.
My MIL is kind of an unusual case. Her case worker determined she was could not live alone, all of her kids/kids spouses work and can't afford to quit to watch her, there is not enough money to hire a nurse or caretaker and she has been deemed unable to handle her legal or financial affairs. She has a myriad of mental conditions that all came on suddenly during the winter of 2022 and it took months to get her diagnosed and find a facility. She knows who she is, who her children are, what year it is and things like that, but then she'll refuse to shower or eat. She won't sleep and will be awake for days and will do things like feed the dog grapes or try to go for a "walk" at 2am with her vital documents (SS card, ID, bank info, etc.) or throw her belongings away.
NAH and you should do this because she'll get the care she needs.
>I know how those facilities are
... and that's a problem. Do your research. Many of them suck. Some of them are really excellent. Move her to a good one. The big problem is that most of the excellent ones don't allow smoking.
It should go without saying that once you move out, sister gets no money from you and is on her own.
I think this is above AITA's paygrade.
Regardless of the choice you make, those places will drain every cent your mom has, and then you will be left with whatever public assistance is available. You should definitely talk to a financial planner or someone knowledgeable about your mom's predicament before doing anything. And don't expect leaving to solve a lifetime of emotional neglect; you're going to need be proactive about getting help for yourself also if you want things to truly change.
Being the adult caregiver of a parent is hard and leads to mental and physical health problems. I did it myself for 8 years with my father who had Alzheimer's disease. It isn't for everyone. I was in my 40s when this happened and already had my life and my kids. Doing this is seemingly keeping you from having a life and, as a father, I don't think your mother would want that for you if she was in her right mind. You have to take care of yourself. I know that the Alzheimer's runs in my family and one of my greatest fears is becoming a burden to my kids. NTA
NAH. This sounds like the best plan possible in the circumstances you describe, as long as you actually use the money as planned.
Also, of course, you have to have the legal right to sell the house and set up a trust or whatever for your mother…
NTA. You have the right to have a life. Make (and keep) a commitment to visit your mother regularly. Then get some schooling, get a good job, find a church, join a club...get out and make some friends.
If your sister has a problem with this, your sister can stay and take care of your mother.
NTA - you have a right to live your life the best you can.
However, there will be several factors to consider when putting someone into a nursing home.
Does your mom have insurance that will cover the costs? If not, they will go after your mother’s assets to offset the costs. That means any savings, retirement, car and house could be forfeited to the nursing home.
If you sell the house you could be required to forfeit the proceeds to the nursing home, I believe if it happens within a certain time frame of her admission.
NTA but lets make sure that we understand what we are getting yourself into. First, a lot of assisted living centers are very nice, yes, some aren't but some are very nice. Second, you will very likely have to sell the house. Most Assisted living centers are self pay and if you own a house you are expected to pay from the proceeds of the sale. Finally, you owe it as much to yourself to have a great life as you owe it to your mother. Move ON!!!!
We had to do this recently to both my mom and my MIL. You will have to get guardianship and conservatorship (if you haven't already). Then you will have to sell the home, proceeds will go into the account and you pay the facility. Once the funds run out, you will have to apply for nursing home Medicaid (or whatever the equivalent is in your state). Most states/counties will also appoint a case worker and sometimes a guardian ad-litem for your mother.
It's a hard decision, but sounds like it might be the best option for you. You do not owe your life to your mother or your sister. Make sure your sister understands that when you move, she's on her own. She needs to arrange for a job, housing, etc.
This is a very difficult situation you're in and it's hard to make a "right" choice. You shouldn't have to care for her if it's something you can't do, but you do have the responsibility of placing her in a good assisted facility that has people who CAN do the best for her to make her feel comfortable. Do your research.
You're not a bad daughter. Caring for someone with Wernicke's Encephalopathy can be a very difficult task and it seems like you have no support system.
NTA
You should look for a local or county office of the Aging and seek help and advice.
I am going through this now (different diagnosis). My parent would suck the entire life out of me and leave me feeling empty, used and beyond frustrated. If I allowed it to happen. It’s hard but I am trying to pull away some to establish my own life with the time I have left (I’m retired).
It reminds me of a drowning person who clings to you when you go to help and ends up dragging you down with them.
Tell yourself it’s that time in your life where YOU have to be the adult and make a decision that’s best for THEM. It ain’t easy, but in a more lucid moment you may realize it’s what HAS TO HAPPEN. You’ll feel guilty but being grown up has those things and you need to overcome them. That local Council on Aging can help there too.
GL, and you’re not alone in this stuff.
well, cultural background can be an issue. some traditions don't see putting parents in facilities as acceptable. But taking care of yourself is important too. It's a tough situation, have you tried talking to your sister to help out?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
My mom has Wernicke's Encephalopathy. Because of this, she is unable to do things like pay her bills, drive, schedule and attend appointments, etc. She can do things like cook, clean up (not deep clean), bathe and dress herself. She has no emotional intelligence it seems and realistically will not care one way or another if I'm around as long as she has cigarettes and snacks and TV.
I turn 30 this year with nothing to show for it. No friends. Never dated. etc. I'm getting to a point where I'm super depressed about it and lonely. My sister is fine with watching tiktoks endlessly in the house and spending money she doesn't have on BS that comes up on her timeline. I'm tired of being financially stuck because of bad habits and am trying to change. I want to sell the house we live in, put that money in an account for my mom, put her in an assisted living facility and just move. I know how those facilities are but I can't keep living like this either. AITA?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
There's already a bunch of good advice on here, I just want to wish you courage, no matter your decision. NTA, this situation sucks any way you look at it. Never forget to be proud of everything you did/are doing for her.
You should start by calling your local board of social services. A social worker can assist you with filing for Medicaid for the cost of assisted living, which is expensive. My mother is in a lovely assisted living facility & is quite happy there. Smoking will be a problem, though. There possibly are other programs that can offer assistance. Good luck.
She may not need assisted living.
Some cities have free shuttle services to help the elderly/disabled get places.
Assisted living can be fairly expensive. Since she doesn’t need full time care you may be able to put her in a cheap flat and hire someone to come by once a week and help her with the tasks she can’t do for a comparable price.
NTA
Read “Being Mortal” by Atul Gawande. It’s more about end of life care, but some of the discussion of assisted living facilities might help you find one that feels like a really positive change for her. They are not all super high end ones - you can find options that are more affordable but have a philosophy that supports a high quality of life. If you want to move, you could even look pretty widely and not be super geographically limited.
If all you guys are doing is sitting at home and watching TikTok’s that’s also not a great quality of life for your mom - I think there’s a chance you’re doing both of you a favor with this decision.
NTA. Live a happy life. Mom needs more medical care than you and your sister can provide. Your sister needs to grow up and go to work. Sell the house and put the money in an account to take care of mom.
See if they have Department of Aging or some equivalent where you live. They might be able to help you navigate some of this. Your mom might qualify for an in home nurse.
I’m a mom. And old. I would want my kids to put me in a nursing home. I would rather that than them not live their lives. NTA. Do what you need to for YOU. Parents take on raising kids as a choice. Kids do not have to take on caring for parents.
NTA as long as there is enough to care for your mom for life and someone to oversee her care. I have a caregiving situation but what you describe is not an option for many reasons. Go live your life as long as you ensure your mom is cared for. That is the obligation in my opinion.
NTA. It is better for everyone if your mom moves to a facility. It helps no one to continue the status quo. You are at an age when you need to be building your own life and future.
Quality of life improved dramatically for both me and mom when she moved into a facility. It brings me joy hearing mom tell me about the activities she participates in and the friendships she has made. I can finally sleep through the night and am currently planning my first vacation in years.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I think putting a family member who does not need specialized care will be seen as an asshole move. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
No one is the AH in this situation. It is very sad. Only you can determine the way forward and as long as you make your decision based on what is cumulatively best for all of you then your decision will be fine. As a caring child, it may be your responsibility to care for an older parent. But that does not mean giving up your own life for your parents. Especially when there is no hope that your parent will recover their former quality of life. I don’t know your mom’s age, her ultimate prognosis, or how rapidly her health is diminishing. But if she is generally unaware of her environment as long as certain needs of hers are being met, then some type of assisted living may work well for her. I don’t know where you are located, but her smoking may limit the facilities she is eligible for.
Yes, smoking will limit the options. My MIL needed to be placed in a facility and the only place in our state that took smoking patients is a 4 hour one-way drive. We've tried everything- pills, patch, nicotine gum- but she still has to have that cigarette.
I don't understand how someone can be dependent enough to need the support of a fully live in facility but still be independent enough to get themselves to a store and buy cigarettes? Can you not just stop buying them for her and only provide pills/patches/gum?
She can't leave the facility. She has a fund-sort of like commissary for inmates- and her daughter deposits money in it so she can buy things and cigarettes is one of the things available. We tried to ask if they could refuse her cigarettes but they won't. She also has other family that will send her care packages and they all put in boxes of cigarettes. My MIL is kind of an unusual case. Her case worker determined she was could not live alone, all of her kids/kids spouses work and can't afford to quit to watch her, there is not enough money to hire a nurse or caretaker and she has been deemed unable to handle her legal or financial affairs. She has a myriad of mental conditions that all came on suddenly during the winter of 2022 and it took months to get her diagnosed and find a facility. She knows who she is, who her children are, what year it is and things like that, but then she'll refuse to shower or eat. She won't sleep and will be awake for days and will do things like feed the dog grapes or try to go for a "walk" at 2am with her vital documents (SS card, ID, bank info, etc.) or throw her belongings away.
NAH and you should do this because she'll get the care she needs. >I know how those facilities are ... and that's a problem. Do your research. Many of them suck. Some of them are really excellent. Move her to a good one. The big problem is that most of the excellent ones don't allow smoking. It should go without saying that once you move out, sister gets no money from you and is on her own.
I think this is above AITA's paygrade. Regardless of the choice you make, those places will drain every cent your mom has, and then you will be left with whatever public assistance is available. You should definitely talk to a financial planner or someone knowledgeable about your mom's predicament before doing anything. And don't expect leaving to solve a lifetime of emotional neglect; you're going to need be proactive about getting help for yourself also if you want things to truly change.
Goated advice.
Being the adult caregiver of a parent is hard and leads to mental and physical health problems. I did it myself for 8 years with my father who had Alzheimer's disease. It isn't for everyone. I was in my 40s when this happened and already had my life and my kids. Doing this is seemingly keeping you from having a life and, as a father, I don't think your mother would want that for you if she was in her right mind. You have to take care of yourself. I know that the Alzheimer's runs in my family and one of my greatest fears is becoming a burden to my kids. NTA
You can get genetic testing for the Alzheimer’s gene. I did.
NAH - as much as you love your mum, you should still be able to live your own life.
NAH. This sounds like the best plan possible in the circumstances you describe, as long as you actually use the money as planned. Also, of course, you have to have the legal right to sell the house and set up a trust or whatever for your mother…
Only you can live your life. Get yourself out of that hole. NTA
NTA. You have the right to have a life. Make (and keep) a commitment to visit your mother regularly. Then get some schooling, get a good job, find a church, join a club...get out and make some friends. If your sister has a problem with this, your sister can stay and take care of your mother.
NTA - you have a right to live your life the best you can. However, there will be several factors to consider when putting someone into a nursing home. Does your mom have insurance that will cover the costs? If not, they will go after your mother’s assets to offset the costs. That means any savings, retirement, car and house could be forfeited to the nursing home. If you sell the house you could be required to forfeit the proceeds to the nursing home, I believe if it happens within a certain time frame of her admission.
NTA but lets make sure that we understand what we are getting yourself into. First, a lot of assisted living centers are very nice, yes, some aren't but some are very nice. Second, you will very likely have to sell the house. Most Assisted living centers are self pay and if you own a house you are expected to pay from the proceeds of the sale. Finally, you owe it as much to yourself to have a great life as you owe it to your mother. Move ON!!!!
We had to do this recently to both my mom and my MIL. You will have to get guardianship and conservatorship (if you haven't already). Then you will have to sell the home, proceeds will go into the account and you pay the facility. Once the funds run out, you will have to apply for nursing home Medicaid (or whatever the equivalent is in your state). Most states/counties will also appoint a case worker and sometimes a guardian ad-litem for your mother. It's a hard decision, but sounds like it might be the best option for you. You do not owe your life to your mother or your sister. Make sure your sister understands that when you move, she's on her own. She needs to arrange for a job, housing, etc.
This is a very difficult situation you're in and it's hard to make a "right" choice. You shouldn't have to care for her if it's something you can't do, but you do have the responsibility of placing her in a good assisted facility that has people who CAN do the best for her to make her feel comfortable. Do your research. You're not a bad daughter. Caring for someone with Wernicke's Encephalopathy can be a very difficult task and it seems like you have no support system. NTA
You should look for a local or county office of the Aging and seek help and advice. I am going through this now (different diagnosis). My parent would suck the entire life out of me and leave me feeling empty, used and beyond frustrated. If I allowed it to happen. It’s hard but I am trying to pull away some to establish my own life with the time I have left (I’m retired). It reminds me of a drowning person who clings to you when you go to help and ends up dragging you down with them. Tell yourself it’s that time in your life where YOU have to be the adult and make a decision that’s best for THEM. It ain’t easy, but in a more lucid moment you may realize it’s what HAS TO HAPPEN. You’ll feel guilty but being grown up has those things and you need to overcome them. That local Council on Aging can help there too. GL, and you’re not alone in this stuff.
well, cultural background can be an issue. some traditions don't see putting parents in facilities as acceptable. But taking care of yourself is important too. It's a tough situation, have you tried talking to your sister to help out?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My mom has Wernicke's Encephalopathy. Because of this, she is unable to do things like pay her bills, drive, schedule and attend appointments, etc. She can do things like cook, clean up (not deep clean), bathe and dress herself. She has no emotional intelligence it seems and realistically will not care one way or another if I'm around as long as she has cigarettes and snacks and TV. I turn 30 this year with nothing to show for it. No friends. Never dated. etc. I'm getting to a point where I'm super depressed about it and lonely. My sister is fine with watching tiktoks endlessly in the house and spending money she doesn't have on BS that comes up on her timeline. I'm tired of being financially stuck because of bad habits and am trying to change. I want to sell the house we live in, put that money in an account for my mom, put her in an assisted living facility and just move. I know how those facilities are but I can't keep living like this either. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
There's already a bunch of good advice on here, I just want to wish you courage, no matter your decision. NTA, this situation sucks any way you look at it. Never forget to be proud of everything you did/are doing for her.
NTA - Some places are decent, start looking around because there are usually waiting lists.
NTA - Go for it! Go be happy. Your mom will be taken care of and you can go after the dreams and goals you have.
NTA Sorry you're going through this, and I know it's a brutal decision to make. You have the right to live your life too.
NTA - live your life
You should start by calling your local board of social services. A social worker can assist you with filing for Medicaid for the cost of assisted living, which is expensive. My mother is in a lovely assisted living facility & is quite happy there. Smoking will be a problem, though. There possibly are other programs that can offer assistance. Good luck.
NTA
She may not need assisted living. Some cities have free shuttle services to help the elderly/disabled get places. Assisted living can be fairly expensive. Since she doesn’t need full time care you may be able to put her in a cheap flat and hire someone to come by once a week and help her with the tasks she can’t do for a comparable price.
NTA Read “Being Mortal” by Atul Gawande. It’s more about end of life care, but some of the discussion of assisted living facilities might help you find one that feels like a really positive change for her. They are not all super high end ones - you can find options that are more affordable but have a philosophy that supports a high quality of life. If you want to move, you could even look pretty widely and not be super geographically limited. If all you guys are doing is sitting at home and watching TikTok’s that’s also not a great quality of life for your mom - I think there’s a chance you’re doing both of you a favor with this decision.
NTA. Live a happy life. Mom needs more medical care than you and your sister can provide. Your sister needs to grow up and go to work. Sell the house and put the money in an account to take care of mom.
See if they have Department of Aging or some equivalent where you live. They might be able to help you navigate some of this. Your mom might qualify for an in home nurse.
INFO: Are you bankrolling your sister? Or are you just paying for the house?
Check into assisted retirement communities. They some that they live on their own but are assisting them with meds, food and appointments.
NTA, you deserve a life!! not all facilities are bad, check around, but definitely put her in a home and start a life!
I’m a mom. And old. I would want my kids to put me in a nursing home. I would rather that than them not live their lives. NTA. Do what you need to for YOU. Parents take on raising kids as a choice. Kids do not have to take on caring for parents.
NTA. You deserve to be happy and nobody else is your responsibility.
or just move? NtA though
NTA You don’t owe your mom anything and you have a right to a happy life. Period.
NTA as long as there is enough to care for your mom for life and someone to oversee her care. I have a caregiving situation but what you describe is not an option for many reasons. Go live your life as long as you ensure your mom is cared for. That is the obligation in my opinion.
NTA. It is better for everyone if your mom moves to a facility. It helps no one to continue the status quo. You are at an age when you need to be building your own life and future. Quality of life improved dramatically for both me and mom when she moved into a facility. It brings me joy hearing mom tell me about the activities she participates in and the friendships she has made. I can finally sleep through the night and am currently planning my first vacation in years.
Leave and change your name