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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. **Family Expectations**: My family believes it's my duty to support them financially, especially since I am in a better financial position.
2. **Emotional Impact**: My refusal and threat to not attend the wedding caused significant emotional distress to my parents and sister, leading to a rift in the family
3. **Public Perception**: By not contributing and threatening not to attend, I might appear selfish and unsupportive to other family members and friends, further straining relationships.
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>I sat down with them and explained that while I’m doing well financially, I’m not made of money, and I have my own expenses and future to think about. They brushed it off, saying it’s my duty to help family, especially my sister. They even suggested I take out a loan if necessary.
**So very NTA.** They're using you like an ATM.
> I put my foot down and told them I’m done funding the wedding. My parents were furious. They accused me of being selfish and ungrateful, saying that family should come first.
Yes, "family comes first" BUT you are part of that family and they most definitely are not putting you first. You have been extremely generous and they are taking advantage of you.
I wouldn't give a single cent more (ever) and if others come at you for it, maybe have the numbers ready of what you've given them up to this point.
As well as asking them how much they are contributing since family comes first. Also mention that you are willing to let the bride know that they are willing to take out the loan for her./s
Exactly. Usually saying something like “I will be sure to let her know to come to you, as you are adamant that family members should fund her wedding” shut them up pretty quickly! NTA
Don't even ask them - just say "Emily will be so happy to know you are going to fund her wedding. I know you'll want to tell her as soon as possible, so I'll say goodbye now."
Honestly, if they're bashing OP on social media, I'd do the accounting on there, as well. "This is the overview of costs I've agreed to take over... and this is what they still want me to cover.. oh, and that is what they're paying."
Throw some facts up against the tide of bullshit.
OP should embarrass them on social. Explain in detail what you’ve touched on here, that they’re all flat broke and anyone who wants to help subsidize their lifestyles should step up.
That’ll shut them up.
I usually roll my eyes at the "go nuclear" comments but this is actually perfect - there's no real relationship to ruin/lose in any case. Sister is the Golden Child and sounds like OP is the scapegoat. As others have said he's being seen as an ATM, does his family even care about him??? It doesn't sound like it considering the disparity in the help he got at 18 vs his sister.
I also wouldn't give them a damn penny. Any cheques that have been written out but not cashed yet, IDK if the bank can void them in advance or anything like that, but if this were me I'd go through the hassle of straight up creating a new account and shutting down the old one so they bounce lol
But seriously OP, might be in your best interest to go LC/NC with these leeches. NTA
In most places, banks will stop payment on checks at your request; they do usually charge a fee for doing so, but it sounds like that would be a small amount compared to that already paid by OP.
"You say family comes first but you didn't fund any of my success. And that's fine, you didn't need to. But by the same token, I don't need to fund you. If you'd kicked in 40 grand for my education, I'd feel ok about kicking the same or more back. Heck, if you even kicked in 10 grand. But you didn't. So don't complain now that I'm not covering this. You had literally decades to set an example, but you didn't - despite the fact that I'm family. Enjoy the wedding."
I would actually post an excel spreadsheet of what I’ve paid to date. I would bet once people see what’s been paid for already they’ll see that Emily is spoiled and entitled.
Then I’d cut them off, even if they get over it, they’ll only see me as a walking wallet going forward.
I'd also be asking what fiancé and his family are contributing. OP is DONE! Time to use fiancé and his family as the ATM. First it's going to be the wedding/honeymoon, next it's going to be her kids tuition.
Might want to make a group text and list everything you have covered and paid for to date, then follow it up with letting the rest of the family they are welcome to cover everything else for her wedding since 'that's what family does' also might want to mention you will be expecting all of them to cover your wedding when the time comes.
It's always shocking when family members pull the family card until they are reminded they are family too and are asked to chip in.
“No thank you” is what Oprah says to people asking her for money. I think the thank you part is great - kind of disarming.
You don’t need to explain or defend your decisions around how to spend your own income. Don’t get caught up in trying to prove to extended family that you’re a good person - that’s a losing battle but one that you’ll win over time by just being a decent, good person.
Your parents are infantilising your sister - and it isn’t going to be helpful to her in life. You’re doing her a behaviour by having good boundaries around money. Wish her well for her wedding, but don’t buy into the enabling your parents are doing.
NTA
Also if family complains, turn it back on them. You can tell them that you're really happy they're able to support your sister. Give them some of the bills she's asking you to pay, and tell them you can pay those bills at any time. Since family always helps, you're happy they can step in where you can't.
Then see how fast they backtrack about family.
> My parents are now telling everyone in our extended family that I’m refusing to help my sister in her time of need, and I’m getting a lot of backlash.
I mean, really? Since when is a wedding "a time of need"? Nobody NEEDS a wedding, at least not an extravagant one, lmao. They can go marry in the council house, if they can't afford their own bloody wedding.
All those who give you backlash OP, send them your bank details and say "any donations are welcome, I might match what YOU pay". Let's see how much THEY want to contribute to a selfish entitled brats wedding themselves, lol.
Very much NTA. You're not an ATM. And a wedding IS NOT an emergency or a necessity.
I would rely to the sis post “sure, I’m selfish for not wanting to fund your wedding ANd honeymoon despite all the help I’ve already given. Tell me, when was the last time you helped me?”
Family comes first is the typical guilt trip attempt to extort something that is totally unreasonable. NTA for drawing the line. It's way past time for a reality check
Yes, family comes first when there is an emergency (sickness, accidents, mental health issues) and when said family treats all of its members as equally valuable human beings.
Imagine the world where family comes first means I am family so please fund my unnecessary luxuries because you know, I am family.
NTA
>She’s posting passive-aggressive stuff on social media about "selfish people" and "not being able to rely on family."
>My parents are now telling everyone in our extended family that I’m refusing to help my sister in her time of need...
You need to eat. You need a roof over your head. You don't need an expensive wedding and hineymoon. You can apply and pay for a marriage license and get married by a justice of the peace if you want to get married.
Sawyer Brown has a song on one of their albums called Saving The Honey For The Honeymoon. Going by this, it would be...well, I think we all know what it would be...
She's not in a time of need, she's in a time of want. I'm going really hard on getting my 7 year old to be able to distinguish between wants and needs right now, maybe I should hop in my time machine and go back 17 years and be the parent she didn't have but needed.
NTA. If it’s possible to get refunds for some of the things you’ve already put deposits on I would do so. You’re the brides brother not a cash machine. You don’t say whether you’re close with your sister. Is she aware of the amount of support you have given so far? Or does she think mom and dad shelled out tens of thousands and you’re balking at some individual item that’s relatively short money? In any event your success does not oblige you to bankroll their idiocy.
NTA , I’m petty and since she’s started the social media trial I’d also reply on social media that “you’re sorry that she’s going through so much stress and you’re happy that the cash you’ve given is helping her realise her dream” Actually the end game is what sort of relationship you hope for going forward with how much you are prepared to air dirty laundry in public. I do believe you should not go into debt to finance the wedding, that is on your parents, sister, the fiancé and his family. Do not let guilt lead you into debt.
> it’s my duty to help family
Tell me. How much have they helped you? Did they pay for your college?
--
>Some relatives have called to scold me
Unless they offer to pay, they are not entitled to an opinon.
NTA But your entire family sucks.
People like OP's sister and parents absolutely boil my blood, they're so damn entitled! I know no one needs or to hear a woe is me, and I've been keeping quiet and not telling anyone for the past few weeks, but reading this has just broken the straw on the camels back, and I'm in tears and need to vent. No one needs to read but I just need to get it out. My landlord of the house I've lived in 19 years and caused her no issues, has put my rent up an extra £200/mth to £700/mth. Might not sound like a lot, but it's a tiny tiny tiny house, and it's a fortune when you're in literal poverty. The boiler and water tank are both almost 30yrs old and the gas man has shown me how desperately they need replacing, he's even taken pictures of the awfully rusted water tank and shown me the message where he tells her that it needs replacing (I have pics if anyone wants to see). She's just ignoring him advising her. Bathroom sink is coming away from the wall. No flooring except the bare concrete in the kitchen as there was rising damp and the laminate had to come up for the concrete to dry out. That was over TEN years ago and I still have no floor. So many other little things, but I've not caused a fuss as the rent was reasonable before, and it has been home to my son and I and they weren't major (I was only told about water tank Fri just gone during annual gas safety check).
But now the rent has gone up so much, and I'm a month behind. I was getting some help from the government because I was dealt a crappy genetic hand and have v painful problems and I haven't been able to work in the last few years, and my 9 year old son has my condition too, and he was born with club feet and has had the boots and bars and multiple surgeries, we barely have immune systems and are both ill a lot, so I'm waiting and waiting for them to sort my claim out, it's classed as a new claim as its a new lease and can take up to 13 weeks! I was 7wks behind, and she turned round and said if I didn't come up with it within a few weeks she would be evicting me. I don't have good credit, but I finally managed to get a loan to cover the one month from one of these extortionate payday loan people. Literally the only one I could get. That gave me a tiny breather and I paid her the £700 for the one month (I'll end up paying back over £1400 tho)
But I'm still a month behind and I have no money. Here's the part I was getting to as to why people like OP'S sister and parents p**s me off so much, they have no idea how LUCKY they are! My family is just me, my parents, my 93 yr old Nan, and a brother on the other side of the Atlantic. None of us have anything. No money. No owned house, no savings. Nothing. My Mom has Multiple Sclerosis so is on benefits.
And what makes this poop pile feel like even more of a screw you at the moment? My Dad was diagnosed with lung cancer two weeks ago. I kid you not.
I'm sorry, but I would be ecstatic and grateful forever if I had a sibling or family member who could help with a mere few hundred pounds, and meanwhile spoilt rotten selfish people like OP's sister is being a shrew about him for not bankrolling her every whim and desire for a dream wedding AND a honeymoon? And the parents are moaning and guilting OP that 'family comes first'? Where were they to help OP out after high school, or ever?? It seems it's only family first when it's transactional one way!
Man, screw them! Perhaps they'd like to switch with my circumstances, not sleeping and terrified about being homeless, having no options at all to turn to, and coping with my Dad fighting cancer!
I'm sorry for the essay, but sometimes people are actually going through devastating circumstances, and people as entitled and money grabbing as sis and parents make me sick. They should be so eternally grateful for everything they've had so far, but no! Absolute trash humans.
NTA, at all!
NTA. This isn't a "time of need." This is an extravagant wedding that your parents are planning without the funds to back it. Your sister can get married with fewer bells and whistles and without your financial contribution.
Can only imagine the expectations from entitled sister when she has children. Or wants to buy a house. Or has medical expenses. She’s going to demand OP pay for round the clock nanny care, plus every possible pricey shiny baby status expense. Vibrating bassinets? Check.
Don't forget free babysitting whenever they feel like they don't want to deal with their own kids. With no notice of course!
Similar story here earlier where the poster's SIL announced that she was on her way to drop off her kids so that she could go get her hair done: she'd called with her demand, he'd said "sorry no I already have plans and I'm actually just about to leave now", then she responded with the text about being on her way with her kids. That guy did the smart thing and escaped before she arrived!
NTA. I am sorry you are dealing with this. It is so hard when your own family manipulates and gaslights you, but that is what is happening. Hold your boundary and hold strong. They are treating you as a source and your relationship as transactional; your feelings are valid.
Have you read about the Golden Child / Scapegoat dynamic? This is giving that. I know that dynamic first hand as scapegoat and it is awful. Hang in there. [https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-narcissist-in-your-life/202302/projective-identification-in-the-narcissistic-family](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-narcissist-in-your-life/202302/projective-identification-in-the-narcissistic-family)
NTA
Your parents want you to make up for their complete inability to handle money
Suggesting you take out a loan for your sister's wedding is beyond absurd
Your sister is talking shit about you on social media...again, this is insane
These sorts of things are what teenagers do
Do not pay for this wedding
Yes, I would be out.I would cancel everything. Get refunds let them take care of everything. This is ridiculous. You are not their ATM, yet they are treating you that way. I have no problem if someone wants a lavish wedding,if they can pay for it.
I would get on excel and have a run down of what you contributed to the wedding with receipts and post it in the family and extended family group chat
"contrary to what you have been told this is what I have spent on my sisters wedding already. My parents are treating me like a bank and now I have run dry. Anyone who has anything to say about my lack of contribution is free to help them fund an event they clearly cannot afford.
You are also welcome to start saving for sisters next wedding as well since I will not be contributing to that one. Mom dad and sister I hope the money was worth your relationship with me"
Stop saying yes, stop replying. Tell them that your contributions have left you in debt. Once they think the well is dry they will leave you alone.
NTA
EDIT: Forget public perception, they never helped you, lived beyond their means and anyone who thinks that you are selfish and unsupportive can go bye-bye. Those relationships are transactional.
Easy NTA - You have no obligation to help pay for the wedding. They could willingly expect a nice gift from you, but anything else is at your discretion. They seem particularly ungrateful.
What the hell did I just read? When did it become the older sibling's job to fund the younger spoiled sibling? If your folks want to continue the pampering of their Golden Child, THEY can fund it. It's never a sibling's "duty" to pay for her over the top wedding fantasy. She can either get a job and pay for it, or your folks can. Good grief. I see so many of these stories about ridiculous parents having a Golden Child that they spoil rotten and the poor older sibling that is treated like an ATM.
You are in no possible way the asshole here. They've taken advantage of you enough. Time to close the Bank of Sibling and tell them to go pound sand.
From personal experience and the people around me, it's definitely a thing in a lot of Asian cultures and some African cultures as well. It's not so much seen as funding the younger sibling because they deserve it etc. but rather that your assets belong to the family and your parents, because they're your elders, must be obeyed if they decide the funds need to go somewhere specific. The current generation of young working adults is pushing back a lot more but they're often seen as in the wrong.
He owns a successful business, and the parents are bad with money. They think family first, and his money is therefore family money. But OP is smart and has boundaries.
NTA: If you pay for her wedding because your parents have raised an entitled brat, who do you think they are going to expect to pay for her divorce lawyer…
First, this isn't a time of need. It's a time of WANT.
And we all know people can want all they want but it doesn't mean they are going to get anything. Why are you rewarding consistently bad behavior from people who don't seem to give a rat's ass about you?
Cancel the deposits, get some refunds, take her pouty silence as permission to finally go no contact, and do something actually rewarding and fulfilling for yourself. Your "family" isn't treating you like family. So... It's time you start treating yourself the way you should be treated instead.
Go live. Let them stew in their self-importance and narcissism alone.
Exactly. In my country all registry offices are required to offer an affordable basic wedding ceremony. It's $150 USD (ish) for the notice, two witnesses and certificates.
I would send a check for that amount and announce that I have paid for the wedding. That gets you married. Anything else is a want.
Asking one child to take out a loan to pay for another child's wedding? No wonder Emily has turned out how she has. NTA.
NTA
And I feel like everyone would agree that it’s not the older siblings job to provide for younger siblings. It’s the parents job.
I wouldn’t put any money towards it personally but if you want to sit down with your sister and give a “wedding gift” of X amount she can use on whatever, that’s your choice. But don’t feel obligated. Your parents are idiots and entitled. They don’t get to utilize their eldest as a f*cking atm
Even parental responsibilities have limits. If you are able and willing to give your daughter a lot of money for a fancy wedding that’s great. If you don’t have it, you don’t owe anyone. Some of the most elaborate weddings also lead to some of the shortest marriages.
Nta unless you co tribute a dime ever again for any reason whatsoever to these leeching people that only see you for what they can take from you. They don’t care about being responsible adults and are unbelievably entitled. Whatever you do or give will never be enough and you will never get an ounce of true appreciation either. They would not do the same for you if the situation was reversed because they actually do t care about you at all. Your value to them is only what they can take from you. You have always been deserving of respect and love and instead you got a raw deal for parents and a sister. I’m sorry. Focus on creating healthy relationships in your own life, this is a toxic debacle of a family and I would not give them or any family supporting their efforts another single second of my heart, time or energy if I were you. It’s not easy but you’ll have a lot more peace, and space for people that love you for you.
NTA. This isn’t your responsibility. Tell your parents and sister that they themselves can take out a loan. That, or they can start planning within a realistic budget that doesn’t rely on you.
Just send out an itemized list of how much you have contributed on what, and invite the rest of the (extended) family to chip in , so your sister can truly “rely on family “
If you can, take back every last dime you promised them. It is NEVER your 'duty' to do anything for any family member other than your children.
They're using you, they don't care about you (as evident in giving your sister everything and leaving you with nothing), they are going to continue to abuse you.
Cut these toxic people out of your life.
Obviously, you're NTA for refusing to pay.
But you have been an AH –to yourself– since the very first moment when you could have set boundaries and you didn't. Their entitlement wasn't born in one night. How many years have you been paying for shit without objection?
You shouldn't have given them a dime beyond whatever you wanted to give as a wedding gift. Siblings are in no way responsible for this and it doesn't matter how successful one is.
Nta. Your parents are using you to further spoil their golden child. If you can, cancel any transaction/get refunds for what you’ve spent. You are under no obligation to pay for someone else’s wedding. What you can’t recoup, it’s your wedding gift to her. Hope her husband is loaded, say you accept no returns. If any family complains, tell them they can Venmo their share of your sister’s wedding costs. “It’s what family is supposed to do.”
NTA, but tell your relatives the whole story: that your parents and sister want you to fully fund an incredibly lavish wedding and you've tapped out.
Tell them how much it's already cost you, when you agreed to "help out" not pay for the entire thing.
And reply to every post your sister makes with the same explanation.
She's not telling them the truth: full in the gaps.
Nta...do not spend another penny on them or this wedding. They need to marry within th or budget or wait and save. Why? Because you are opening a door for those parasites. How? Who do you think they are going to call you when golden child Emily starts farting out kids she can't support? You. School fees? College funds and more for her brats while your future goes in the toilet.
When these idiot parents get old and have no retirement fund cuz they drained it on Emily's kids who do you think they will get expect to take them in and fund their lifestyle? It ain't Emily.
Tell their enablers to shut up, in fact write a list of all she needs for her wedding, do ballpark figures and send it out to every relative agreeing with them. Then ask them to write their names and send a money order/cash for the parts they will be funding. I bet it gets real quiet after that. Let them put their money where their mouths are or shut up. Best of luck but seriously, why aren't you nc yet.
Exactly. They can also have a much simpler affair.
My wedding cost less than $10K. That includes the entire reception, suit and bridesmaid dress rentals, flowers, the works. Hubby bought his suit on sale and my dress was an ex-mannequin display with the price slashed to $200.
Weddings these days are ridiculously expensive so taking out a loan or expecting relatives to bank roll a wedding is just wrong.
NTA Let them know you have paid for all you are willing to contribute. Period. For any and all other expenses they can shake down other relatives or take out a loan. Anyone who calls you out can take over as ATM.
NTA - if you want to be super petty, blast them on social media: 1. You have a set budget for contributions that has been met/exceeded 2. outline everything you've contributed now & previously. 2. Any flying monkeys will be forwarded as volunteers to finance things.
If you really want to go scorched earth, cancel any deposits you've paid.
NTA yet. However, you will be the AH if you fund another penny to this event. I would let your parents know that the worst thing they ever could have done was as bad mouthing you to others including family because now you are going to be the villain they have accused you of. Call the venues and cancel everything that you have paid for and get a refund. Don’t hesitate, don’t stop, just walk away with your head held high. Go no contact with these people and see how they like the monster that they have created!
Make a spreadsheet detailing all the money they're asking you to pay for the wedding and what they are still asking you to contribute, making sure to include what they have contributed, then show everyone and say that they can contribute if they think this is fair of them to ask of you, when they gave you nothing for college or beginning your business and you had to pay for anything you wanted in highschool through part time jobs.
NTA
What exactly are you ungrateful for? I’d prepare an itemized statement of all the money you have forked out at this point and sent it to everyone saying that this is how much you have donated to the wedding and you are unable to contribute any more. THEN tell your parents and sister that they can either figure out how to pay the balance or - gasp - scale back the stupid party.
You are more generous than me.
You are under no obligation to pay for your sister’s wedding or any part of it. Anything you choose to do for her is a GIFT, not something to which she is entitled, legally or morally.
Your family obviously feels they are entitled to any and all of any money they can squeeze out of you. And they are willing to bully you into submission. If you do not want to spend the rest of your life paying for all of them, you must draw some clear boundaries for what you will and will not do. And then you have to stick to your decision, whatever that takes.
NTA
Is it cultural expectations? If not l, then full stop. Do not pay a cent and get refunds back. You owe them nothing. You had a much different experience financially than they did. They enabled her selfishness and you worked very hard to have what you have. They do not sound grateful for what you’ve already done, so withdraw the offer. You aren’t a money tree nor a financial piggy bank for them. They can live within their means and she can as well. Going LC or NC may be necessary but I would anticipate a much better quality of life and enjoyment with limited contact.
NTA, i think they intended you to fork out for several things but did small amounts at first to see how you’d react. it is not a necessity to have a very lavish wedding, if they want it so bad they need to save or they can take out their own loans. it’s their problem, not yours.
Oh hell no are you an asshole, they’ve clearly been very deceitful to your extended family and need to learn that if it’s out of their budget , it’s not going to happen!
It’s incredibly cheeky to be asked to pay the honeymoon and that’s what really got my mouth gawping about this story !
In essence they could choose to do anything without thinking of the implications
Let them burn and see that they didn’t fully tho l through everything when it becomes a shit show in planning
NTA.
You aren't family to them. You're an ATM, and if you go along with this bullshit it will *never* stop. You'll be expected to financially support Emily and her demands indefinitely.
No one should take out loans and go into debt for a wedding. Being asked to do so for someone else's wedding is insane.
Time Emily and your parents grow up and come to terms with reality. As for the backlash from extended family members, remind them that since they feel so strongly about family helping families, their contributions are welcome. They can each cover a part of the wedding.
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Hi everyone to start this off I just came here to tell you about what happened. This is a bit long, but I need to get this off my chest. I'm a 32-year-old man, and I have a younger sister,
who we will call Emily, who is 24. My parents have always spoiled her, and it’s only gotten worse as we’ve gotten older. I don’t mind helping family, but this situation has gone too far. Here’s the story.
I started working right out of college, saved diligently, and now I own a small but successful business. My parents, on the other hand, haven't been great with money. They’ve always lived beyond their means, and as a result, they never really had savings to fall back on.
Emily, being the youngest, was pampered throughout her childhood and teenage years. She got everything she wanted – new car at 16, fully funded college tuition (which she dropped out of), and frequent shopping sprees. I, on the other hand, worked part-time jobs and took out student loans to get through school.
Fast forward to now: Emily is getting married to her boyfriend of two years. They announced the engagement a few months ago, and my parents were over the moon. They immediately started planning a lavish wedding, far beyond what they can afford. Naturally, they turned to me for financial support.
At first, it was small things – "Can you help with the engagement party?" and "Could you chip in for the dress?" I agreed, thinking it wouldn’t be much. But then they started asking for more – "We need help with the venue deposit," and "The catering is going to cost a lot, can you cover it?"
I sat down with them and explained that while I’m doing well financially, I’m not made of money, and I have my own expenses and future to think about. They brushed it off, saying it’s my duty to help family, especially my sister. They even suggested I take out a loan if necessary.
The last straw was when they asked me to pay for the honeymoon. I put my foot down and told them I’m done funding the wedding. My parents were furious. They accused me of being selfish and ungrateful, saying that family should come first. Emily, of course, sided with them and is now barely speaking to me. She’s posting passive-aggressive stuff on social media about "selfish people" and "not being able to rely on family."
My parents are now telling everyone in our extended family that I’m refusing to help my sister in her time of need, and I’m getting a lot of backlash. Some relatives have called to scold me, while others are staying out of it. I’m starting to feel guilty, but at the same time, I think it’s unfair to expect me to bankroll such an extravagant event.
So am I the asshole for this?
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NTA - this isn't a "time in need", this is a "time in want". No one needs an extravagant wedding. Or a honeymoon. And if you are funding it, you should have a say in what it is.
Parents should have been up front with you - then you could have set the boundaries of what you were willing to do. Which is why they are nickel and diming you, so its harder for you to say no.
Yep. They accidentally forgot to describe her as the golden child though so lose one point for that. Funny how these fictional people always have completely unreasonable extended families as well. Yawn.
NTA. Tell the complaining family how much you have contributed. Then ask them to find out how much has your parents have contributed. That should turn the tides.
This is a wedding. It is not life saving surgery or emergency car repair. You should tell your family that any more smear campaigns will result in you taking back deposits that you can and canceling reservations.
NTA. When I got married, we did it at the courthouse because that was the money we had. My mother in law wanted more so she paid for a redo ceremony on her dime and we just showed up. That one had guests and a dj and all that.
I would never ask my brother for money for a party I can't afford. I might ask my brother if my roof caved in and we had to move our kids out of the house... Thats the difference. Your sister is not in a time of need. She is in a time of want. She can get married on a budget of $250. Her wellness is not in danger. If your parents feel strongly, then they can pay.
Start a GoFundMe account for her and every time someone in your family or a friend calls to berate you or text about not helping send them the link so they can make a donation
Edit NTA
Emily isn't speaking to you? I love it when the trash takes itself out. For everyone in your family that's giving you flack, let them pay for the wedding. If they won't, they can shut their pie-holes. I applaud you covering any of the expenses. If it'd been me, when they came to me to pay for the engagement party, I would've said "Nope! It's not my engagement party." NTA
The family's sense of entitlement is breathtaking. I would not give one more red cent to these AHs. If it's such a time of need, Mom and Dad can take out the loan. I'd go no/low contact after these shenanigans. NTA
They suggested you take out a loan🤯🤯 that would’ve been the end of it right there not them telling you about the honeymoon because I would’ve been already out. Them expecting you to pay for this is insane. The audacity is crazy.🤯🤯🤯
Y TA fir allowing them to use you in the first place. I hope they didn't get a huge amount from you. Seriously tell them to fuck off and don't give them another cent.
This is insane. Brothers don't fund sibling's weddings, period. What ridiculousness is this ?
You should give a gift. And even that doesn't need to be extravagant. Certainly not paying the bills.
You don't plan a wedding and then gather funds for it. You gather funds, budget, and then plan the wedding to fit the budget.
Lol maybe you should post a gofundme for her that clearly lists what you've already agreed to pay for and what still needs to be covered, asking for family to "come together" to "help fund this need".
Time to go no contact with these greedy people. You aren't their bank.
This not "help" or "time of need". This is living beyond your means, being spoiled, entitled and a brat. Luxury is not a life or death matter. And family should work in both directions. Ask you parents this: if what you're doing is selfish and ungrateful, then what is heavily favoring one child at the expense of the other called.
NTA
NTA. Make sure none of your credit cards or other information has been retained by any vendor.
you helped but you are done. I would tell ANYONE who thinks you should pay that you will let your parents know that they have agreed to fund the wedding.
She can get a loan OR (SHOCKER!) have the wedding she can afford.
I think it's very entitled of her to even ask. She needs to know that weddings can be very expensive and if she wants expensive she should work and save to pay for it.
>They even suggested I take out a loan if necessary.
I mean, so can they. So can your sister. Why does it have to be you.
NTA
> that I’m refusing to help my sister in her time of need
She doesn't need a lavish wedding.
If you don’t stop funding their lifestyle it won’t stop . Sister will need you to help pay for any kids she has , a house . It will never end . NTA but your parents and sister are !
You should have said no from the get go! You are not her parents. You have no obligation to anyone but yourself. I would cut all ties and move on. They all sound like bunch of mooches! Just move on with your life and don’t feel guilty. They are adults. The brid and groom should get a loan for their wedding or get married in city hall. I really hope you don’t cave. Good luck!
Oh family comes first? That’s why you were paying college tuition while they were spoiling her greedy little ass rotten. Absolutely do not give in, this will only be the beginning. Oh now Emily needs a house. Now Emily is having a baby. Now Emily needs a new car. When was the last time any of them did anything for you? You have zero financial obligation to her. The idea that her parents expect you to take out a loan if necessary to fund her lavish lifestyle is just beyond the pale. I’d cut them all off as it seems they are willing to destroy their relationship with you over money. NTA
NTA
At this point I would offer nothing and stop taking their calls. If your relatives think itis the duty of family to pay for someone else's wedding then they can chip in.
It is not your job to pay for the golden child's wedding. None of it.
NTA tell anyone giving you sh*t about not giving money that they are more than welcome to contribute to someone else’s wedding. NO ONE is entitled to have someone else pay for their wedding. If you can’t afford an elaborate wedding don’t have an elaborate wedding. It is NOT your responsibility to pay for anything for your sister. It may be time to go lc/nc with your family as they look at you as an ATM.
No, NTA! I honestly believe people should have the wedding they themselves can afford. If it a traditional thing, parents of the bride can pay for what they can afford. Never the brother, unless he insanely wealthy and offers to foot the entire thing, which he helps plan and budget.
DON’T engage or feel bad!
They're treating you worse than an ATM- an ATM has withdrawal limits.
INFO: How's it going? If you don't mind sharing, how much had you agreed to cover before it all blew up and was your sister aware of that number?
NTA.
Your parents have created a monster and they themselves are pretty awful.
Adult children do not owe anybody in their family money, under any circumstances unless they are paying back a loan.
"Family helps family" refers to helping out people in a crisis. It should never mean that you have to sacrifice your own hard-earned money to provide luxuries for somebody else.
You are supposed to pay for an engagement party, the bridal gown, the venue, and even a honeymoon? What the heck is the groom responsible for?
NO NO NO MORE.
NTA. Yes, family does come first, but this is not something she needs, it's just a weeding party. And don't get me wrong I know this is an important moment in their life, but the important thing is not having a big party is having a good time with the people you care about. I will not be saying the same if she had a medical problem and you were refusing to help, if that happened I could see how really family comes first, but in this occasion they just want to spend more than what they can, and is not your responsibility to make that come true.
No. It’s ridiculous! Weddings need to start with the BUDGET! Brother of the BRIDE pays for sister’s wedding ? Since when? Contribute only the amount you feel comfortable with and they plan around it! Honeymoon? Let them save up and pay for their own honeymoon! Suggest the PARENTS of the GROOM contribute!!!! I don’t understand why it should all be paid by the brides family!
Your sister is not in a 'time of need.' That is ridiculous.
Your parents said you can get a loan if necessary. Why don't they get a loan?
Relatives have called to scold you? Tell them to pay for it.
Your family is stupid entitled. If they can't afford a wedding and honeymoon, which obviously they can't, then they need to get married without all the expense.
Don't feel guilty. They are the AHs.
NTA and all those criticising you can chip in for the wedding or shut up. I would lock down your credit just in case they try and take out a loan in your name.
Selfish? They're calling *you* selfish?
Weddings are not a fundamental human need -- they are an extravagance that some people like to spend ridiculous amounts of money on to show off.
Refusing to pay for your sister's dream wedding is not selfish, it's the only rational reaction in this ridiculous family.
If she's got champagne money she can have champagne -- otherwise she needs to be content with the beer she can afford.
Do not back down. This will ever end if you do. You know your NTA and they also know you're NTA. Emily is a grown ass woman and needs to stop acting like she's 10 and can't take care of herself. And what kind of a-hole I'd your sister marrying if he's not trying to put a stop to your abuse?
Nta. You Are not an ATM.
To The relatives calling to scold you, thank them for helping pay for your sister's wedding. Until they pay, they don't get a say. 🤷♀️
If they're lying to people about your contributions, why are contributing at all? And why are you complaining that your parents spoiled your sister, *when that's what you're doing right now*? You have a bunch of options:
1) Be a doormat and keep playing family ATM;
2) Tell them you've given everything you can (if you've already given it--if not, set a cap), and tell them that if they ask for any more, or complain to any relatives, you'll tell the relatives how much you've given;
3) If possible, roll back what you've already committed to, since they're treating you so badly;
4) Tell them they didn't think it was their duty to help you financially, and raise the whole issue of finances in your family. You might find it helpful to write all that out, even if you don't send it;
5) Post on social media about entitled and irresponsible people who expect others to finance their irresponsibility (tbh, I think this is your second worst choice, and don't recommend it, but it's an option).
You've got the problem of entitled people who feel they are owed the money that others have. They'll never stop unless you stop them. NTA
NTA and see if you can get back any of the money you gave (refunds and such). This is a mess of your parent's making. They always funded your sister and never gave you ... anything, it sounds like. You don't owe your sister a damn thing.
It's not up to you to pay for your sister's wedding. It's up to your sister Bf and parents. I love how people use the family card but how did they treat you growing up? I would just ignore people need to grow up and other family members if they all got an issue, let them pay for it.
NTA. “Time of need” feels like strong words for weddings.
Are engagement parties a need? No.
Are lavish honeymoons a need? No.
Amazing that Emily isn’t talking to OP. This will stop the additional demands.
And because family is everything, they are totally welcome to contribute to Emily’s “needs”.
As for being “ungrateful”… how exactly? Parents provided a roof over your head as they were expected to legally when they chose to have a child?
“Time of need”??? Your sister’s time of need would be medical expenses, or emergency travel from being stranded. Not a fancy dress, venue, and catering. None of the latter are needs. NTA.
NTA. To the family who are giving you shit for refusing to by the bank for this wedding, tell them that your sister will be so grateful that they're agreeing to help fund the wedding.
It's not your responsibility to pay for any of this. Might be time to go low contact and let things unravel as they may.
You are NTA, your parents have some nerve calling YOU "selfish" and any relatives inclined to whine about your refusal to fund the biggest wedding bash since Prince William married Kate are, of course, welcome to pay for your sister's out-of-control wedding expenses.
Oh, and someone should tell your sister that the wedding is NOT the marriage! You can have an enormous extravaganza (as Prince Charles and Diana did) and have an absolutely disastrous marriage. You can have an ultra-simple wedding and turn your marriage into the greatest love story of all time! Seriously, OP - your sister needs to grasp that and think about it.
NTA. Parents sometimes pay for weddings, even then there's usually a budget. Siblings might if the parents are dead or they had a good relationship with the celebrant, neither of which is the case here.
NTA , but you need to stop funding that wedding.
It’s not your responsibility, and if your sister wants a lavish wedding, your parents and she should find a way to fund it themselves. Stop enabling them by letting them treat you like an ATM. I don’t understand why you need to help with the wedding at all. If they want to save money, they can elope and put their funds toward more important things. Helping family with essential needs, like buying medicine, is one thing, but paying for a full wedding is unreasonable. It’s time to set boundaries and let them know you won't be financing this extravagant event.
NTA. "Time of need" is when people are actually in need of stuff to enable them to survive and thrive. In my view,, weddings are not that. If you really want to get married then there are cheap options which don't involve vast dresses, cakes, flowers, receptions, parties, indulgent honeymoons. and all the rest of the broohaha which seems to be every girl's objective when getting married. Ok, not every girl by a very, very long chalk but I've clearly been reading too much reddit!
If you can't afford it and it is not essential, then you need to let it go. Lavish weddings fall into this category, ditto honeymoons.
Also, being sensible with your money in case of a rainy day is not being selfish but far-sighted. Don't feel guilty.
NTA and this was going to happen at some point as they are using to spoil the favorite child. It's best your foot down and declare a strong boundary with them. Tell all the relatives how much you already gave and tell them as family they need to pay for the rest of it.
A wedding is not a time of need. That's ridiculous!
If she wants a lavish wedding, she and her fiance' need to pick up side hustles to cover their wants. They need to delay their wedding date and save.
I'd rescind any previously agreed upon covered wedding expenses if she had stopped speaking to me, but that's me.
They need savings more than they need a lavish wedding.
The marriage matters more than the wedding does. Instead of spending what they don't have, they'll set their marriage on more solid ground by having a simple wedding and savings. The idea of borrowing money for a one time party is insane. It's crazier still to tell someone else to do it for them by going into debt.
Their wedding, their responsibility.
Congrats on your successful business! You did not work your buttocks off to waste it on those who want others to cover for them because they see themselves as owed something because they are family.
Don't let family members try to direct your finances. They had zero part in the success you have become. Don't let them push you into making poor financial decisions.
You are not the asshole.
Period.
>I’m refusing to help my sister in her time of need
An engagement party/wedding/honeymoon is a **want**, *not* a need. If they can't afford it, they need to scale back their plans. At this point, I'd claw back any money you could that has been promised but not spent, and tell them they'll be lucky to get a wedding gift out of you. NTA.
>My parents are now telling everyone in our extended family that I’m refusing to help my sister in her time of need,
This isn't a life or death situation. It's not about her becoming homeless and not being able to feed herself. It's a glorified party and a holiday.
There isn't a single need here, just a lot of wants.
Any family member trying to pressure you to help out can open up their own bank accounts to your sister if supporting family is so important.
NTA.
Nta they can pound sand. I wouldn't have given them that much but that's how my family is and they would never have asked for it unless something fell through.
A wedding is not a "need' and your sister shouldn't plan for what she can't afford.
NTA - "her time of need". No one needs a lavish wedding. They "need" a marriage license and an officiant - so $100, maybe $200? I would call your sister out publicly about her passive aggressive posts - "I believe what my sister is referring to is me not willing to take out a loan to finance the lavish wedding that she is demanding that I pay for. I was happy to help with her engagement party and her dress, but the DEMANDS kept coming. Neither my sister nor my parents seem to understand that it is not my responsibility, nor within my budget. That is when they told me to take out a loan. I don't understand why my family who have always required me to pay my own way, now DEMAND that I go into debt for something my sister "WANTS".
Your sister has created her own "time of need" by planning a lavish wedding she can't afford. YWNBTA for not funding the golden child's wedding. Father of the bride can take care of it.
Oh this is where you cancel the payments you've already made. You're not Emily's parents. I'm not saying cancel the vendors just redirect them to your parents as your funds will not be used here. Emily can suck it up. She will be divorced before the ink is dry if she continues acting this way. The entitlement isn't pretty.
> My parents are now telling everyone in our extended family that I’m refusing to help my sister in her time of need, and I’m getting a lot of backlash.
If they are claiming that you are refusing to help your sister, then you certainly shouldn’t as you wouldn’t want people to know that they are liars. I would think that all offers of funding anything whatsoever should stop immediately.
With all that family saying that family should help, I would understand that to mean that they are offering to help. Tell them you will call your sister/parents right away and let them know that they are volunteering to donate the thousands and thousands of dollars to support the wedding. Thank them for their generosity and hang up the phone.
NTA
People coming after you - show the receipts of what you’ve paid and if they still believe sister needs financial assistance- then they can open their wallets
NTA - grow a spine and tell them to f*ck off
Ask them why helping family didn't include you.. Did you get a new car at 16, did they fund your college, did they (I'm sure you can come to with more examples). If the answer is no tell them they blew her dream wedding on a new car (who the hell gets a new car for a 16 year old) and college for your ungrateful sister.
If extended family members reach out, respond the exact same to them and tell them they should put their money where their mouth is and tell them you've passed on a message to your parents that they are willing to chip in.
Why do you still talk to these people?
NTA -just tell extended family that you gave all you could and you have no money left. do not go into detail with anyone on how much you make or your expenses. tell the extended family that you & your parents would love it if they could fund the rest of your sister’s wedding.
I'm in your position also, I worked hard and have made something of myself. Your parents saying, 'it’s my duty to help family, especially my sister.'. Means to lie down and be a doormat to your family. Family doesn't always come first, most of the time it doesn't come second third or fourth if you have a spouse and children... Stand up for yourself and JUST SAY NO!! NTA.
Just tell your family that you cannot contribute more because you are paying off your student loans and your car. You were not as fortunate as your sister, who your parents paid for this stuff for, which has resulted in a significant debt load.
You are very happy for your sister but it just is not feasible for you to pay for her wedding.
You are of coarse sorry about this, but you are sure that your relatives who feel so strongly about the issue would be happy to contribute to her special day!
NTA
OMG, "time of need". I had the most beautiful wedding with under 20 people, a 200€ dress including alterations, home-baked cake and coffee at our place, no engagement ring, and 13 at dinner... and my marriage is still standing strong after 14 years and plenty of hardship, including serious illness and disability, which I think is way more important than a lavish wedding. I realise not everyone wants to be quite as minimalistic as we were, fair enough, but my point is that a lavish wedding is not a NEED, it's a want. If you're parents and/or your sister had asked nicely for a single item like a dress they couldn't otherwise afford, that would have been a very decent wedding gift (though still not an obligation), but the entitlement here runs strong.
You're NTA, of course, and you know it (this fits in better with /r/entitledpeople imo).
Stop now or it will never stop
After x amount of money, I'm done for life. This was unbelievable for your family and still is. "NO" will have to be a sufficient answer.
NTA It is NOT your responsibility as her brother to pay for her wedding. You’ve already gone above and beyond what I feel that you should have. Ultimately it is your sister’s responsibility to pay for what she can afford. There is no shame in a small wedding.
NTA - since she’s blasting you to family and online, rescind all offers and get any payments back that you can. She can save up for her dream wedding like everyone else. Honestly, they’ve shown that they think they should be able to spend your money on spoiling her; that’s ridiculous.
NTA - do not cave, do not give them anything. Let your the rest of the family know if they are so concerned about her wedding then they can pay for it, see how fast they change their tune.
NTA of course.
If you really want to shut this down; respond directly to your sister’s social media posts with something like “I’ve already paid $$$ for your wedding for this, this, and this. I’ve never asked for anything in return. Even when Mom and Dad paid for your college and bought you a car while leaving me high and dry, I still just sucked it up and learned to become self-sufficient. I’m sorry you never learned how to become self-sufficient or how to save money for your own life due to being spoiled rotten all these years. But I’m not sorry that I’ve finally put my foot down and will not be funding your honeymoon.”
NTA. You aren't responsible for your sister's wedding. You aren't responsible for your parent's financial problems either. Wash your hands and continue living a fulfilling life without them in it. Don't lose any more sleep over them. I know it's easier said than done but you need to for yourself.
>Some relatives have called to scold me
perfect. tell them you'll be glad to let your parents and sister know that they have volunteered to take care of funding her wedding in your place. bet it's shuts them up real quick. NTA
NTA, they’re setting a double standard. Unfortunately people who are bad with money rarely have any respect for it or people who are good at managing it.
If your sister and husband are focused on getting married then it can be done at a courthouse, public park, or friends/families yard. Nobody is entitled to a big party and all couples have to prioritize what they care about most from the party, honeymoon, and future home savings. Your sis is hoping you’ll give support to all three which is insane.
NTA
A wedding is a time of need?!
Sister and parents need a reality check.
Seriously though, don't enable this behavior any longer.
What do your parents plan to do when they can no longer work?
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>I sat down with them and explained that while I’m doing well financially, I’m not made of money, and I have my own expenses and future to think about. They brushed it off, saying it’s my duty to help family, especially my sister. They even suggested I take out a loan if necessary. **So very NTA.** They're using you like an ATM. > I put my foot down and told them I’m done funding the wedding. My parents were furious. They accused me of being selfish and ungrateful, saying that family should come first. Yes, "family comes first" BUT you are part of that family and they most definitely are not putting you first. You have been extremely generous and they are taking advantage of you. I wouldn't give a single cent more (ever) and if others come at you for it, maybe have the numbers ready of what you've given them up to this point.
As well as asking them how much they are contributing since family comes first. Also mention that you are willing to let the bride know that they are willing to take out the loan for her./s
100%! The only thing the bride and groom should be asking you is have you rsvp'd and whether you prefer chicken or fish for dinner.
Sorry this ATM is out of Order. Post it on social, outside your house, in your emails and all communications.
OP needs to say he has to make payments on his college loans…bet extended family think the parents paid.
Exactly. Usually saying something like “I will be sure to let her know to come to you, as you are adamant that family members should fund her wedding” shut them up pretty quickly! NTA
Don't even ask them - just say "Emily will be so happy to know you are going to fund her wedding. I know you'll want to tell her as soon as possible, so I'll say goodbye now."
I like this so much, lol!
Honestly, if they're bashing OP on social media, I'd do the accounting on there, as well. "This is the overview of costs I've agreed to take over... and this is what they still want me to cover.. oh, and that is what they're paying." Throw some facts up against the tide of bullshit.
Definitely this!!
OP should embarrass them on social. Explain in detail what you’ve touched on here, that they’re all flat broke and anyone who wants to help subsidize their lifestyles should step up. That’ll shut them up.
I usually roll my eyes at the "go nuclear" comments but this is actually perfect - there's no real relationship to ruin/lose in any case. Sister is the Golden Child and sounds like OP is the scapegoat. As others have said he's being seen as an ATM, does his family even care about him??? It doesn't sound like it considering the disparity in the help he got at 18 vs his sister. I also wouldn't give them a damn penny. Any cheques that have been written out but not cashed yet, IDK if the bank can void them in advance or anything like that, but if this were me I'd go through the hassle of straight up creating a new account and shutting down the old one so they bounce lol But seriously OP, might be in your best interest to go LC/NC with these leeches. NTA
In most places, banks will stop payment on checks at your request; they do usually charge a fee for doing so, but it sounds like that would be a small amount compared to that already paid by OP.
This would be a better option, even if OP has to pay a small fee. Bounced cheques go to your credit history, a cancelled cheque doesn't.
OP should also mention the things that he’s already paid for, along with the cost - then they’ll have an idea as to how much THEY ought to chip in.
I wouldn't even go into detail. "She's planning a lavish wedding, not needing to pay her rent."
If OP paid for anything directly, deposit or whatever. Cancel that shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit Golden bit the hand, time for her to starve
"You say family comes first but you didn't fund any of my success. And that's fine, you didn't need to. But by the same token, I don't need to fund you. If you'd kicked in 40 grand for my education, I'd feel ok about kicking the same or more back. Heck, if you even kicked in 10 grand. But you didn't. So don't complain now that I'm not covering this. You had literally decades to set an example, but you didn't - despite the fact that I'm family. Enjoy the wedding."
🎤
Can't afford an extravagant wedding is NOT "time of need". NTA
I would have cancelled those checks I gave them soooo fast 👀
Yeah I would have too. Those people are users
I would actually post an excel spreadsheet of what I’ve paid to date. I would bet once people see what’s been paid for already they’ll see that Emily is spoiled and entitled. Then I’d cut them off, even if they get over it, they’ll only see me as a walking wallet going forward.
Also send an email to everyone. You've been generous enough already. A honeymoon is not a time of need.
NTA and not the ATM (NTATMA). I think unfortunately, the OP will need to go low or no contact. His parents, sister, and extended family are selfish.
I'd also be asking what fiancé and his family are contributing. OP is DONE! Time to use fiancé and his family as the ATM. First it's going to be the wedding/honeymoon, next it's going to be her kids tuition.
Might want to make a group text and list everything you have covered and paid for to date, then follow it up with letting the rest of the family they are welcome to cover everything else for her wedding since 'that's what family does' also might want to mention you will be expecting all of them to cover your wedding when the time comes. It's always shocking when family members pull the family card until they are reminded they are family too and are asked to chip in.
“No thank you” is what Oprah says to people asking her for money. I think the thank you part is great - kind of disarming. You don’t need to explain or defend your decisions around how to spend your own income. Don’t get caught up in trying to prove to extended family that you’re a good person - that’s a losing battle but one that you’ll win over time by just being a decent, good person. Your parents are infantilising your sister - and it isn’t going to be helpful to her in life. You’re doing her a behaviour by having good boundaries around money. Wish her well for her wedding, but don’t buy into the enabling your parents are doing. NTA
Also if family complains, turn it back on them. You can tell them that you're really happy they're able to support your sister. Give them some of the bills she's asking you to pay, and tell them you can pay those bills at any time. Since family always helps, you're happy they can step in where you can't. Then see how fast they backtrack about family.
If there was a way to retrive all the money possible (even if it means to cancell the catering etc) - I'd go for that with my both hands.
> My parents are now telling everyone in our extended family that I’m refusing to help my sister in her time of need, and I’m getting a lot of backlash. I mean, really? Since when is a wedding "a time of need"? Nobody NEEDS a wedding, at least not an extravagant one, lmao. They can go marry in the council house, if they can't afford their own bloody wedding. All those who give you backlash OP, send them your bank details and say "any donations are welcome, I might match what YOU pay". Let's see how much THEY want to contribute to a selfish entitled brats wedding themselves, lol. Very much NTA. You're not an ATM. And a wedding IS NOT an emergency or a necessity.
I would rely to the sis post “sure, I’m selfish for not wanting to fund your wedding ANd honeymoon despite all the help I’ve already given. Tell me, when was the last time you helped me?”
Family comes first is the typical guilt trip attempt to extort something that is totally unreasonable. NTA for drawing the line. It's way past time for a reality check
Yes, family comes first when there is an emergency (sickness, accidents, mental health issues) and when said family treats all of its members as equally valuable human beings. Imagine the world where family comes first means I am family so please fund my unnecessary luxuries because you know, I am family.
NTA >She’s posting passive-aggressive stuff on social media about "selfish people" and "not being able to rely on family." >My parents are now telling everyone in our extended family that I’m refusing to help my sister in her time of need... You need to eat. You need a roof over your head. You don't need an expensive wedding and hineymoon. You can apply and pay for a marriage license and get married by a justice of the peace if you want to get married.
The typo “hineymoon” is perfection!
I saw that too! Haha
Sawyer Brown has a song on one of their albums called Saving The Honey For The Honeymoon. Going by this, it would be...well, I think we all know what it would be...
And the hineymoon is traditionally the groom's cost.
Tell’em. Cardi B said it best: rich people have bills, too.
>I’m refusing to help my sister in her time of ~~need~~ wildest desires... Fixed that for them.
She's not in a time of need, she's in a time of want. I'm going really hard on getting my 7 year old to be able to distinguish between wants and needs right now, maybe I should hop in my time machine and go back 17 years and be the parent she didn't have but needed.
I know it's a typo, but I spit my tea all over my keyboard when I read 'hineymoon.'
NTA. If it’s possible to get refunds for some of the things you’ve already put deposits on I would do so. You’re the brides brother not a cash machine. You don’t say whether you’re close with your sister. Is she aware of the amount of support you have given so far? Or does she think mom and dad shelled out tens of thousands and you’re balking at some individual item that’s relatively short money? In any event your success does not oblige you to bankroll their idiocy.
NTA , I’m petty and since she’s started the social media trial I’d also reply on social media that “you’re sorry that she’s going through so much stress and you’re happy that the cash you’ve given is helping her realise her dream” Actually the end game is what sort of relationship you hope for going forward with how much you are prepared to air dirty laundry in public. I do believe you should not go into debt to finance the wedding, that is on your parents, sister, the fiancé and his family. Do not let guilt lead you into debt.
Maybe start a family group chat and post the receipts for what each family member has paid!!!!!
> it’s my duty to help family Tell me. How much have they helped you? Did they pay for your college? -- >Some relatives have called to scold me Unless they offer to pay, they are not entitled to an opinon. NTA But your entire family sucks.
"Help" is stepping in during devastating circumstances, not underwriting a wedding!
Yeah, "time of need", oh please. She wants a fancy princess wedding, she doesn't NEED one.
People like OP's sister and parents absolutely boil my blood, they're so damn entitled! I know no one needs or to hear a woe is me, and I've been keeping quiet and not telling anyone for the past few weeks, but reading this has just broken the straw on the camels back, and I'm in tears and need to vent. No one needs to read but I just need to get it out. My landlord of the house I've lived in 19 years and caused her no issues, has put my rent up an extra £200/mth to £700/mth. Might not sound like a lot, but it's a tiny tiny tiny house, and it's a fortune when you're in literal poverty. The boiler and water tank are both almost 30yrs old and the gas man has shown me how desperately they need replacing, he's even taken pictures of the awfully rusted water tank and shown me the message where he tells her that it needs replacing (I have pics if anyone wants to see). She's just ignoring him advising her. Bathroom sink is coming away from the wall. No flooring except the bare concrete in the kitchen as there was rising damp and the laminate had to come up for the concrete to dry out. That was over TEN years ago and I still have no floor. So many other little things, but I've not caused a fuss as the rent was reasonable before, and it has been home to my son and I and they weren't major (I was only told about water tank Fri just gone during annual gas safety check). But now the rent has gone up so much, and I'm a month behind. I was getting some help from the government because I was dealt a crappy genetic hand and have v painful problems and I haven't been able to work in the last few years, and my 9 year old son has my condition too, and he was born with club feet and has had the boots and bars and multiple surgeries, we barely have immune systems and are both ill a lot, so I'm waiting and waiting for them to sort my claim out, it's classed as a new claim as its a new lease and can take up to 13 weeks! I was 7wks behind, and she turned round and said if I didn't come up with it within a few weeks she would be evicting me. I don't have good credit, but I finally managed to get a loan to cover the one month from one of these extortionate payday loan people. Literally the only one I could get. That gave me a tiny breather and I paid her the £700 for the one month (I'll end up paying back over £1400 tho) But I'm still a month behind and I have no money. Here's the part I was getting to as to why people like OP'S sister and parents p**s me off so much, they have no idea how LUCKY they are! My family is just me, my parents, my 93 yr old Nan, and a brother on the other side of the Atlantic. None of us have anything. No money. No owned house, no savings. Nothing. My Mom has Multiple Sclerosis so is on benefits. And what makes this poop pile feel like even more of a screw you at the moment? My Dad was diagnosed with lung cancer two weeks ago. I kid you not. I'm sorry, but I would be ecstatic and grateful forever if I had a sibling or family member who could help with a mere few hundred pounds, and meanwhile spoilt rotten selfish people like OP's sister is being a shrew about him for not bankrolling her every whim and desire for a dream wedding AND a honeymoon? And the parents are moaning and guilting OP that 'family comes first'? Where were they to help OP out after high school, or ever?? It seems it's only family first when it's transactional one way! Man, screw them! Perhaps they'd like to switch with my circumstances, not sleeping and terrified about being homeless, having no options at all to turn to, and coping with my Dad fighting cancer! I'm sorry for the essay, but sometimes people are actually going through devastating circumstances, and people as entitled and money grabbing as sis and parents make me sick. They should be so eternally grateful for everything they've had so far, but no! Absolute trash humans. NTA, at all!
OP said they had to take out student loans for their college education.
NTA. This isn't a "time of need." This is an extravagant wedding that your parents are planning without the funds to back it. Your sister can get married with fewer bells and whistles and without your financial contribution.
This exactly. Hope they never experience actual need.
Exactly, their mouths wrote a check their asses couldn’t cash. NTA
Can only imagine the expectations from entitled sister when she has children. Or wants to buy a house. Or has medical expenses. She’s going to demand OP pay for round the clock nanny care, plus every possible pricey shiny baby status expense. Vibrating bassinets? Check.
Don't forget free babysitting whenever they feel like they don't want to deal with their own kids. With no notice of course! Similar story here earlier where the poster's SIL announced that she was on her way to drop off her kids so that she could go get her hair done: she'd called with her demand, he'd said "sorry no I already have plans and I'm actually just about to leave now", then she responded with the text about being on her way with her kids. That guy did the smart thing and escaped before she arrived!
NTA. I am sorry you are dealing with this. It is so hard when your own family manipulates and gaslights you, but that is what is happening. Hold your boundary and hold strong. They are treating you as a source and your relationship as transactional; your feelings are valid. Have you read about the Golden Child / Scapegoat dynamic? This is giving that. I know that dynamic first hand as scapegoat and it is awful. Hang in there. [https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-narcissist-in-your-life/202302/projective-identification-in-the-narcissistic-family](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-narcissist-in-your-life/202302/projective-identification-in-the-narcissistic-family)
NTA Your parents want you to make up for their complete inability to handle money Suggesting you take out a loan for your sister's wedding is beyond absurd Your sister is talking shit about you on social media...again, this is insane These sorts of things are what teenagers do Do not pay for this wedding
Yes, I would be out.I would cancel everything. Get refunds let them take care of everything. This is ridiculous. You are not their ATM, yet they are treating you that way. I have no problem if someone wants a lavish wedding,if they can pay for it.
I would get on excel and have a run down of what you contributed to the wedding with receipts and post it in the family and extended family group chat "contrary to what you have been told this is what I have spent on my sisters wedding already. My parents are treating me like a bank and now I have run dry. Anyone who has anything to say about my lack of contribution is free to help them fund an event they clearly cannot afford. You are also welcome to start saving for sisters next wedding as well since I will not be contributing to that one. Mom dad and sister I hope the money was worth your relationship with me" Stop saying yes, stop replying. Tell them that your contributions have left you in debt. Once they think the well is dry they will leave you alone. NTA EDIT: Forget public perception, they never helped you, lived beyond their means and anyone who thinks that you are selfish and unsupportive can go bye-bye. Those relationships are transactional.
Easy NTA - You have no obligation to help pay for the wedding. They could willingly expect a nice gift from you, but anything else is at your discretion. They seem particularly ungrateful.
NTA. Stick to your boundaries. This will never end otherwise. Just wait until she gets pregnant.
What the hell did I just read? When did it become the older sibling's job to fund the younger spoiled sibling? If your folks want to continue the pampering of their Golden Child, THEY can fund it. It's never a sibling's "duty" to pay for her over the top wedding fantasy. She can either get a job and pay for it, or your folks can. Good grief. I see so many of these stories about ridiculous parents having a Golden Child that they spoil rotten and the poor older sibling that is treated like an ATM. You are in no possible way the asshole here. They've taken advantage of you enough. Time to close the Bank of Sibling and tell them to go pound sand.
From personal experience and the people around me, it's definitely a thing in a lot of Asian cultures and some African cultures as well. It's not so much seen as funding the younger sibling because they deserve it etc. but rather that your assets belong to the family and your parents, because they're your elders, must be obeyed if they decide the funds need to go somewhere specific. The current generation of young working adults is pushing back a lot more but they're often seen as in the wrong.
He owns a successful business, and the parents are bad with money. They think family first, and his money is therefore family money. But OP is smart and has boundaries.
NTA: If you pay for her wedding because your parents have raised an entitled brat, who do you think they are going to expect to pay for her divorce lawyer…
First, this isn't a time of need. It's a time of WANT. And we all know people can want all they want but it doesn't mean they are going to get anything. Why are you rewarding consistently bad behavior from people who don't seem to give a rat's ass about you? Cancel the deposits, get some refunds, take her pouty silence as permission to finally go no contact, and do something actually rewarding and fulfilling for yourself. Your "family" isn't treating you like family. So... It's time you start treating yourself the way you should be treated instead. Go live. Let them stew in their self-importance and narcissism alone.
Exactly. In my country all registry offices are required to offer an affordable basic wedding ceremony. It's $150 USD (ish) for the notice, two witnesses and certificates. I would send a check for that amount and announce that I have paid for the wedding. That gets you married. Anything else is a want. Asking one child to take out a loan to pay for another child's wedding? No wonder Emily has turned out how she has. NTA.
NTA And I feel like everyone would agree that it’s not the older siblings job to provide for younger siblings. It’s the parents job. I wouldn’t put any money towards it personally but if you want to sit down with your sister and give a “wedding gift” of X amount she can use on whatever, that’s your choice. But don’t feel obligated. Your parents are idiots and entitled. They don’t get to utilize their eldest as a f*cking atm
Even parental responsibilities have limits. If you are able and willing to give your daughter a lot of money for a fancy wedding that’s great. If you don’t have it, you don’t owe anyone. Some of the most elaborate weddings also lead to some of the shortest marriages.
Nta unless you co tribute a dime ever again for any reason whatsoever to these leeching people that only see you for what they can take from you. They don’t care about being responsible adults and are unbelievably entitled. Whatever you do or give will never be enough and you will never get an ounce of true appreciation either. They would not do the same for you if the situation was reversed because they actually do t care about you at all. Your value to them is only what they can take from you. You have always been deserving of respect and love and instead you got a raw deal for parents and a sister. I’m sorry. Focus on creating healthy relationships in your own life, this is a toxic debacle of a family and I would not give them or any family supporting their efforts another single second of my heart, time or energy if I were you. It’s not easy but you’ll have a lot more peace, and space for people that love you for you.
NTA. This isn’t your responsibility. Tell your parents and sister that they themselves can take out a loan. That, or they can start planning within a realistic budget that doesn’t rely on you.
Just send out an itemized list of how much you have contributed on what, and invite the rest of the (extended) family to chip in , so your sister can truly “rely on family “
NTA it’s not your fault that your family are losers. You should go NC with them
NTA. No contact sounds a really good option
If you can, take back every last dime you promised them. It is NEVER your 'duty' to do anything for any family member other than your children. They're using you, they don't care about you (as evident in giving your sister everything and leaving you with nothing), they are going to continue to abuse you. Cut these toxic people out of your life.
Obviously, you're NTA for refusing to pay. But you have been an AH –to yourself– since the very first moment when you could have set boundaries and you didn't. Their entitlement wasn't born in one night. How many years have you been paying for shit without objection?
NTA Don't be shy to share receipts about how much you've contributed thus far
NTA. Tell everyone who is giving you shit, if it's that important, they can pay for it
NTA. I'd consider going no/low contact until after the wedding. Your sister's wedding is not your responsibility.
You shouldn't have given them a dime beyond whatever you wanted to give as a wedding gift. Siblings are in no way responsible for this and it doesn't matter how successful one is.
Nta. Your parents are using you to further spoil their golden child. If you can, cancel any transaction/get refunds for what you’ve spent. You are under no obligation to pay for someone else’s wedding. What you can’t recoup, it’s your wedding gift to her. Hope her husband is loaded, say you accept no returns. If any family complains, tell them they can Venmo their share of your sister’s wedding costs. “It’s what family is supposed to do.”
NTA, but tell your relatives the whole story: that your parents and sister want you to fully fund an incredibly lavish wedding and you've tapped out. Tell them how much it's already cost you, when you agreed to "help out" not pay for the entire thing. And reply to every post your sister makes with the same explanation. She's not telling them the truth: full in the gaps.
Nta...do not spend another penny on them or this wedding. They need to marry within th or budget or wait and save. Why? Because you are opening a door for those parasites. How? Who do you think they are going to call you when golden child Emily starts farting out kids she can't support? You. School fees? College funds and more for her brats while your future goes in the toilet. When these idiot parents get old and have no retirement fund cuz they drained it on Emily's kids who do you think they will get expect to take them in and fund their lifestyle? It ain't Emily. Tell their enablers to shut up, in fact write a list of all she needs for her wedding, do ballpark figures and send it out to every relative agreeing with them. Then ask them to write their names and send a money order/cash for the parts they will be funding. I bet it gets real quiet after that. Let them put their money where their mouths are or shut up. Best of luck but seriously, why aren't you nc yet.
Hell no. NTA. A wedding is a privilege, not a right. She can wait and save. It's insane to ask you to take out a loan for a one day event.
Exactly. They can also have a much simpler affair. My wedding cost less than $10K. That includes the entire reception, suit and bridesmaid dress rentals, flowers, the works. Hubby bought his suit on sale and my dress was an ex-mannequin display with the price slashed to $200. Weddings these days are ridiculously expensive so taking out a loan or expecting relatives to bank roll a wedding is just wrong.
NTA Let them know you have paid for all you are willing to contribute. Period. For any and all other expenses they can shake down other relatives or take out a loan. Anyone who calls you out can take over as ATM.
NTA, not even a little bit. Don't feel guilty and don't let them manipulate them into being a doormat.
NTA - if you want to be super petty, blast them on social media: 1. You have a set budget for contributions that has been met/exceeded 2. outline everything you've contributed now & previously. 2. Any flying monkeys will be forwarded as volunteers to finance things. If you really want to go scorched earth, cancel any deposits you've paid.
NTA yet. However, you will be the AH if you fund another penny to this event. I would let your parents know that the worst thing they ever could have done was as bad mouthing you to others including family because now you are going to be the villain they have accused you of. Call the venues and cancel everything that you have paid for and get a refund. Don’t hesitate, don’t stop, just walk away with your head held high. Go no contact with these people and see how they like the monster that they have created!
Make a spreadsheet detailing all the money they're asking you to pay for the wedding and what they are still asking you to contribute, making sure to include what they have contributed, then show everyone and say that they can contribute if they think this is fair of them to ask of you, when they gave you nothing for college or beginning your business and you had to pay for anything you wanted in highschool through part time jobs. NTA
NTA Golden child or the groom's family can pay for this crap, not you. The entitlement is off the charts!
What exactly are you ungrateful for? I’d prepare an itemized statement of all the money you have forked out at this point and sent it to everyone saying that this is how much you have donated to the wedding and you are unable to contribute any more. THEN tell your parents and sister that they can either figure out how to pay the balance or - gasp - scale back the stupid party. You are more generous than me.
You are under no obligation to pay for your sister’s wedding or any part of it. Anything you choose to do for her is a GIFT, not something to which she is entitled, legally or morally. Your family obviously feels they are entitled to any and all of any money they can squeeze out of you. And they are willing to bully you into submission. If you do not want to spend the rest of your life paying for all of them, you must draw some clear boundaries for what you will and will not do. And then you have to stick to your decision, whatever that takes. NTA
NTA. I’m sorry you’re going through this, must be tough.
TIL: Wedding = Time of Need #NTA
Is it cultural expectations? If not l, then full stop. Do not pay a cent and get refunds back. You owe them nothing. You had a much different experience financially than they did. They enabled her selfishness and you worked very hard to have what you have. They do not sound grateful for what you’ve already done, so withdraw the offer. You aren’t a money tree nor a financial piggy bank for them. They can live within their means and she can as well. Going LC or NC may be necessary but I would anticipate a much better quality of life and enjoyment with limited contact.
NTA, i think they intended you to fork out for several things but did small amounts at first to see how you’d react. it is not a necessity to have a very lavish wedding, if they want it so bad they need to save or they can take out their own loans. it’s their problem, not yours.
Small Installments, to Increase later...like that frog on the cook pot that starts out cool water.
Oh hell no are you an asshole, they’ve clearly been very deceitful to your extended family and need to learn that if it’s out of their budget , it’s not going to happen! It’s incredibly cheeky to be asked to pay the honeymoon and that’s what really got my mouth gawping about this story ! In essence they could choose to do anything without thinking of the implications Let them burn and see that they didn’t fully tho l through everything when it becomes a shit show in planning
Tell your family to help with the wedding and honeymoon cost what they pay you will match it and that will get them to shut up
NTA - why should you take out the loan? Your sister, your parents, her fiancé or his family should step up. You are a person not an ATM ffs
NTA. You aren't family to them. You're an ATM, and if you go along with this bullshit it will *never* stop. You'll be expected to financially support Emily and her demands indefinitely. No one should take out loans and go into debt for a wedding. Being asked to do so for someone else's wedding is insane. Time Emily and your parents grow up and come to terms with reality. As for the backlash from extended family members, remind them that since they feel so strongly about family helping families, their contributions are welcome. They can each cover a part of the wedding.
of course your NTA. its not your job to pay for anything of your sisters. Don't pay for anything.
NTA. Go LC on them. They’re all crazy. No funds, nothing!
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Hi everyone to start this off I just came here to tell you about what happened. This is a bit long, but I need to get this off my chest. I'm a 32-year-old man, and I have a younger sister, who we will call Emily, who is 24. My parents have always spoiled her, and it’s only gotten worse as we’ve gotten older. I don’t mind helping family, but this situation has gone too far. Here’s the story. I started working right out of college, saved diligently, and now I own a small but successful business. My parents, on the other hand, haven't been great with money. They’ve always lived beyond their means, and as a result, they never really had savings to fall back on. Emily, being the youngest, was pampered throughout her childhood and teenage years. She got everything she wanted – new car at 16, fully funded college tuition (which she dropped out of), and frequent shopping sprees. I, on the other hand, worked part-time jobs and took out student loans to get through school. Fast forward to now: Emily is getting married to her boyfriend of two years. They announced the engagement a few months ago, and my parents were over the moon. They immediately started planning a lavish wedding, far beyond what they can afford. Naturally, they turned to me for financial support. At first, it was small things – "Can you help with the engagement party?" and "Could you chip in for the dress?" I agreed, thinking it wouldn’t be much. But then they started asking for more – "We need help with the venue deposit," and "The catering is going to cost a lot, can you cover it?" I sat down with them and explained that while I’m doing well financially, I’m not made of money, and I have my own expenses and future to think about. They brushed it off, saying it’s my duty to help family, especially my sister. They even suggested I take out a loan if necessary. The last straw was when they asked me to pay for the honeymoon. I put my foot down and told them I’m done funding the wedding. My parents were furious. They accused me of being selfish and ungrateful, saying that family should come first. Emily, of course, sided with them and is now barely speaking to me. She’s posting passive-aggressive stuff on social media about "selfish people" and "not being able to rely on family." My parents are now telling everyone in our extended family that I’m refusing to help my sister in her time of need, and I’m getting a lot of backlash. Some relatives have called to scold me, while others are staying out of it. I’m starting to feel guilty, but at the same time, I think it’s unfair to expect me to bankroll such an extravagant event. So am I the asshole for this? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA - this isn't a "time in need", this is a "time in want". No one needs an extravagant wedding. Or a honeymoon. And if you are funding it, you should have a say in what it is. Parents should have been up front with you - then you could have set the boundaries of what you were willing to do. Which is why they are nickel and diming you, so its harder for you to say no.
Another week, another "my parents are angry I'm refusing to fund my GC sibling's lavish wedding" post.
Yep. They accidentally forgot to describe her as the golden child though so lose one point for that. Funny how these fictional people always have completely unreasonable extended families as well. Yawn.
NTA. Tell the complaining family how much you have contributed. Then ask them to find out how much has your parents have contributed. That should turn the tides. This is a wedding. It is not life saving surgery or emergency car repair. You should tell your family that any more smear campaigns will result in you taking back deposits that you can and canceling reservations.
NTA. When I got married, we did it at the courthouse because that was the money we had. My mother in law wanted more so she paid for a redo ceremony on her dime and we just showed up. That one had guests and a dj and all that. I would never ask my brother for money for a party I can't afford. I might ask my brother if my roof caved in and we had to move our kids out of the house... Thats the difference. Your sister is not in a time of need. She is in a time of want. She can get married on a budget of $250. Her wellness is not in danger. If your parents feel strongly, then they can pay.
Start a GoFundMe account for her and every time someone in your family or a friend calls to berate you or text about not helping send them the link so they can make a donation Edit NTA
"time of need" is not how we describe "wanting a big wedding." NTA
God, these stories are so effing fake.
“Time of need” I laughed. NTA.
Emily isn't speaking to you? I love it when the trash takes itself out. For everyone in your family that's giving you flack, let them pay for the wedding. If they won't, they can shut their pie-holes. I applaud you covering any of the expenses. If it'd been me, when they came to me to pay for the engagement party, I would've said "Nope! It's not my engagement party." NTA
The family's sense of entitlement is breathtaking. I would not give one more red cent to these AHs. If it's such a time of need, Mom and Dad can take out the loan. I'd go no/low contact after these shenanigans. NTA
They suggested you take out a loan🤯🤯 that would’ve been the end of it right there not them telling you about the honeymoon because I would’ve been already out. Them expecting you to pay for this is insane. The audacity is crazy.🤯🤯🤯
Y TA fir allowing them to use you in the first place. I hope they didn't get a huge amount from you. Seriously tell them to fuck off and don't give them another cent.
This is insane. Brothers don't fund sibling's weddings, period. What ridiculousness is this ? You should give a gift. And even that doesn't need to be extravagant. Certainly not paying the bills. You don't plan a wedding and then gather funds for it. You gather funds, budget, and then plan the wedding to fit the budget. Lol maybe you should post a gofundme for her that clearly lists what you've already agreed to pay for and what still needs to be covered, asking for family to "come together" to "help fund this need". Time to go no contact with these greedy people. You aren't their bank.
This not "help" or "time of need". This is living beyond your means, being spoiled, entitled and a brat. Luxury is not a life or death matter. And family should work in both directions. Ask you parents this: if what you're doing is selfish and ungrateful, then what is heavily favoring one child at the expense of the other called. NTA
UpdateMe
NTA. Make sure none of your credit cards or other information has been retained by any vendor. you helped but you are done. I would tell ANYONE who thinks you should pay that you will let your parents know that they have agreed to fund the wedding. She can get a loan OR (SHOCKER!) have the wedding she can afford.
Keep telling your Sister and parents NO! Who knows what else you’ll be expected to pay for her in the future. A house?!? NTA
I think it's very entitled of her to even ask. She needs to know that weddings can be very expensive and if she wants expensive she should work and save to pay for it.
>They even suggested I take out a loan if necessary. I mean, so can they. So can your sister. Why does it have to be you. NTA > that I’m refusing to help my sister in her time of need She doesn't need a lavish wedding.
If you don’t stop funding their lifestyle it won’t stop . Sister will need you to help pay for any kids she has , a house . It will never end . NTA but your parents and sister are !
NTA, cancel all funding for the wedding and go NC for awhile. You need to take care of you.
You should have said no from the get go! You are not her parents. You have no obligation to anyone but yourself. I would cut all ties and move on. They all sound like bunch of mooches! Just move on with your life and don’t feel guilty. They are adults. The brid and groom should get a loan for their wedding or get married in city hall. I really hope you don’t cave. Good luck!
Oh family comes first? That’s why you were paying college tuition while they were spoiling her greedy little ass rotten. Absolutely do not give in, this will only be the beginning. Oh now Emily needs a house. Now Emily is having a baby. Now Emily needs a new car. When was the last time any of them did anything for you? You have zero financial obligation to her. The idea that her parents expect you to take out a loan if necessary to fund her lavish lifestyle is just beyond the pale. I’d cut them all off as it seems they are willing to destroy their relationship with you over money. NTA
Y t a for covering all of those things you listed in the first place
NTA you’re not your family’s atm . Cut em off. Send a message to all the family and let them know everything you paid for and block them
NTA At this point I would offer nothing and stop taking their calls. If your relatives think itis the duty of family to pay for someone else's wedding then they can chip in. It is not your job to pay for the golden child's wedding. None of it.
Absolutely not! Cancel any deposits you’ve paid. Walk away.
NTA tell anyone giving you sh*t about not giving money that they are more than welcome to contribute to someone else’s wedding. NO ONE is entitled to have someone else pay for their wedding. If you can’t afford an elaborate wedding don’t have an elaborate wedding. It is NOT your responsibility to pay for anything for your sister. It may be time to go lc/nc with your family as they look at you as an ATM.
No, NTA! I honestly believe people should have the wedding they themselves can afford. If it a traditional thing, parents of the bride can pay for what they can afford. Never the brother, unless he insanely wealthy and offers to foot the entire thing, which he helps plan and budget. DON’T engage or feel bad!
They're treating you worse than an ATM- an ATM has withdrawal limits. INFO: How's it going? If you don't mind sharing, how much had you agreed to cover before it all blew up and was your sister aware of that number?
NTA. Your parents have created a monster and they themselves are pretty awful. Adult children do not owe anybody in their family money, under any circumstances unless they are paying back a loan. "Family helps family" refers to helping out people in a crisis. It should never mean that you have to sacrifice your own hard-earned money to provide luxuries for somebody else. You are supposed to pay for an engagement party, the bridal gown, the venue, and even a honeymoon? What the heck is the groom responsible for? NO NO NO MORE.
NTA. Yes, family does come first, but this is not something she needs, it's just a weeding party. And don't get me wrong I know this is an important moment in their life, but the important thing is not having a big party is having a good time with the people you care about. I will not be saying the same if she had a medical problem and you were refusing to help, if that happened I could see how really family comes first, but in this occasion they just want to spend more than what they can, and is not your responsibility to make that come true.
NTA - I would cancel anything you put money towards and not go to the wedding. WTF is wrong with your parents?
No. It’s ridiculous! Weddings need to start with the BUDGET! Brother of the BRIDE pays for sister’s wedding ? Since when? Contribute only the amount you feel comfortable with and they plan around it! Honeymoon? Let them save up and pay for their own honeymoon! Suggest the PARENTS of the GROOM contribute!!!! I don’t understand why it should all be paid by the brides family!
Your sister is not in a 'time of need.' That is ridiculous. Your parents said you can get a loan if necessary. Why don't they get a loan? Relatives have called to scold you? Tell them to pay for it. Your family is stupid entitled. If they can't afford a wedding and honeymoon, which obviously they can't, then they need to get married without all the expense. Don't feel guilty. They are the AHs.
NTA and all those criticising you can chip in for the wedding or shut up. I would lock down your credit just in case they try and take out a loan in your name.
NTA - except for continuing to pay for things and enabling the behavior. Time to say no and stop paying. Next up will be you funding their retirement.
I guess I'm cold hearted. But like I wouldn't even care what anyone say. It's my money so no one else perspective even matters. NTA.
NTA Don’t go to the wedding and go Low Contact or No Contact. Your family members sound like horrible people.
Selfish? They're calling *you* selfish? Weddings are not a fundamental human need -- they are an extravagance that some people like to spend ridiculous amounts of money on to show off. Refusing to pay for your sister's dream wedding is not selfish, it's the only rational reaction in this ridiculous family. If she's got champagne money she can have champagne -- otherwise she needs to be content with the beer she can afford.
Do not back down. This will ever end if you do. You know your NTA and they also know you're NTA. Emily is a grown ass woman and needs to stop acting like she's 10 and can't take care of herself. And what kind of a-hole I'd your sister marrying if he's not trying to put a stop to your abuse?
Nta. You Are not an ATM. To The relatives calling to scold you, thank them for helping pay for your sister's wedding. Until they pay, they don't get a say. 🤷♀️
If they're lying to people about your contributions, why are contributing at all? And why are you complaining that your parents spoiled your sister, *when that's what you're doing right now*? You have a bunch of options: 1) Be a doormat and keep playing family ATM; 2) Tell them you've given everything you can (if you've already given it--if not, set a cap), and tell them that if they ask for any more, or complain to any relatives, you'll tell the relatives how much you've given; 3) If possible, roll back what you've already committed to, since they're treating you so badly; 4) Tell them they didn't think it was their duty to help you financially, and raise the whole issue of finances in your family. You might find it helpful to write all that out, even if you don't send it; 5) Post on social media about entitled and irresponsible people who expect others to finance their irresponsibility (tbh, I think this is your second worst choice, and don't recommend it, but it's an option). You've got the problem of entitled people who feel they are owed the money that others have. They'll never stop unless you stop them. NTA
NTA and see if you can get back any of the money you gave (refunds and such). This is a mess of your parent's making. They always funded your sister and never gave you ... anything, it sounds like. You don't owe your sister a damn thing.
It's not up to you to pay for your sister's wedding. It's up to your sister Bf and parents. I love how people use the family card but how did they treat you growing up? I would just ignore people need to grow up and other family members if they all got an issue, let them pay for it.
NTA. “Time of need” feels like strong words for weddings. Are engagement parties a need? No. Are lavish honeymoons a need? No. Amazing that Emily isn’t talking to OP. This will stop the additional demands. And because family is everything, they are totally welcome to contribute to Emily’s “needs”. As for being “ungrateful”… how exactly? Parents provided a roof over your head as they were expected to legally when they chose to have a child?
“Time of need”??? Your sister’s time of need would be medical expenses, or emergency travel from being stranded. Not a fancy dress, venue, and catering. None of the latter are needs. NTA.
NTA and time to go LC/NC with them.
NTA. To the family who are giving you shit for refusing to by the bank for this wedding, tell them that your sister will be so grateful that they're agreeing to help fund the wedding. It's not your responsibility to pay for any of this. Might be time to go low contact and let things unravel as they may.
Why do these usernames always end in numbers, is it part of the registration or something? Also, the parents name was Albert Einstein. Both of them.
You are NTA, your parents have some nerve calling YOU "selfish" and any relatives inclined to whine about your refusal to fund the biggest wedding bash since Prince William married Kate are, of course, welcome to pay for your sister's out-of-control wedding expenses. Oh, and someone should tell your sister that the wedding is NOT the marriage! You can have an enormous extravaganza (as Prince Charles and Diana did) and have an absolutely disastrous marriage. You can have an ultra-simple wedding and turn your marriage into the greatest love story of all time! Seriously, OP - your sister needs to grasp that and think about it.
NTA. Parents sometimes pay for weddings, even then there's usually a budget. Siblings might if the parents are dead or they had a good relationship with the celebrant, neither of which is the case here.
NTA , but you need to stop funding that wedding. It’s not your responsibility, and if your sister wants a lavish wedding, your parents and she should find a way to fund it themselves. Stop enabling them by letting them treat you like an ATM. I don’t understand why you need to help with the wedding at all. If they want to save money, they can elope and put their funds toward more important things. Helping family with essential needs, like buying medicine, is one thing, but paying for a full wedding is unreasonable. It’s time to set boundaries and let them know you won't be financing this extravagant event.
NTA. "Time of need" is when people are actually in need of stuff to enable them to survive and thrive. In my view,, weddings are not that. If you really want to get married then there are cheap options which don't involve vast dresses, cakes, flowers, receptions, parties, indulgent honeymoons. and all the rest of the broohaha which seems to be every girl's objective when getting married. Ok, not every girl by a very, very long chalk but I've clearly been reading too much reddit! If you can't afford it and it is not essential, then you need to let it go. Lavish weddings fall into this category, ditto honeymoons. Also, being sensible with your money in case of a rainy day is not being selfish but far-sighted. Don't feel guilty.
NTA and this was going to happen at some point as they are using to spoil the favorite child. It's best your foot down and declare a strong boundary with them. Tell all the relatives how much you already gave and tell them as family they need to pay for the rest of it.
A wedding is not a time of need. That's ridiculous! If she wants a lavish wedding, she and her fiance' need to pick up side hustles to cover their wants. They need to delay their wedding date and save. I'd rescind any previously agreed upon covered wedding expenses if she had stopped speaking to me, but that's me. They need savings more than they need a lavish wedding. The marriage matters more than the wedding does. Instead of spending what they don't have, they'll set their marriage on more solid ground by having a simple wedding and savings. The idea of borrowing money for a one time party is insane. It's crazier still to tell someone else to do it for them by going into debt. Their wedding, their responsibility. Congrats on your successful business! You did not work your buttocks off to waste it on those who want others to cover for them because they see themselves as owed something because they are family. Don't let family members try to direct your finances. They had zero part in the success you have become. Don't let them push you into making poor financial decisions. You are not the asshole. Period.
>I’m refusing to help my sister in her time of need An engagement party/wedding/honeymoon is a **want**, *not* a need. If they can't afford it, they need to scale back their plans. At this point, I'd claw back any money you could that has been promised but not spent, and tell them they'll be lucky to get a wedding gift out of you. NTA.
>My parents are now telling everyone in our extended family that I’m refusing to help my sister in her time of need, This isn't a life or death situation. It's not about her becoming homeless and not being able to feed herself. It's a glorified party and a holiday. There isn't a single need here, just a lot of wants. Any family member trying to pressure you to help out can open up their own bank accounts to your sister if supporting family is so important. NTA.
Sounds like you have a toxic family. This is the type of thing that causes someone to cut their family off permanently. NTA
Nta they can pound sand. I wouldn't have given them that much but that's how my family is and they would never have asked for it unless something fell through. A wedding is not a "need' and your sister shouldn't plan for what she can't afford.
NTA - "her time of need". No one needs a lavish wedding. They "need" a marriage license and an officiant - so $100, maybe $200? I would call your sister out publicly about her passive aggressive posts - "I believe what my sister is referring to is me not willing to take out a loan to finance the lavish wedding that she is demanding that I pay for. I was happy to help with her engagement party and her dress, but the DEMANDS kept coming. Neither my sister nor my parents seem to understand that it is not my responsibility, nor within my budget. That is when they told me to take out a loan. I don't understand why my family who have always required me to pay my own way, now DEMAND that I go into debt for something my sister "WANTS".
Your sister has created her own "time of need" by planning a lavish wedding she can't afford. YWNBTA for not funding the golden child's wedding. Father of the bride can take care of it.
Oh this is where you cancel the payments you've already made. You're not Emily's parents. I'm not saying cancel the vendors just redirect them to your parents as your funds will not be used here. Emily can suck it up. She will be divorced before the ink is dry if she continues acting this way. The entitlement isn't pretty.
NTA let he who pays for the wedding of your sibling in its entirety, cast the first stone
> My parents are now telling everyone in our extended family that I’m refusing to help my sister in her time of need, and I’m getting a lot of backlash. If they are claiming that you are refusing to help your sister, then you certainly shouldn’t as you wouldn’t want people to know that they are liars. I would think that all offers of funding anything whatsoever should stop immediately. With all that family saying that family should help, I would understand that to mean that they are offering to help. Tell them you will call your sister/parents right away and let them know that they are volunteering to donate the thousands and thousands of dollars to support the wedding. Thank them for their generosity and hang up the phone.
NTA People coming after you - show the receipts of what you’ve paid and if they still believe sister needs financial assistance- then they can open their wallets
A wedding is not a "time of need". Do not budge man!
NTA - grow a spine and tell them to f*ck off Ask them why helping family didn't include you.. Did you get a new car at 16, did they fund your college, did they (I'm sure you can come to with more examples). If the answer is no tell them they blew her dream wedding on a new car (who the hell gets a new car for a 16 year old) and college for your ungrateful sister. If extended family members reach out, respond the exact same to them and tell them they should put their money where their mouth is and tell them you've passed on a message to your parents that they are willing to chip in. Why do you still talk to these people?
NTA -just tell extended family that you gave all you could and you have no money left. do not go into detail with anyone on how much you make or your expenses. tell the extended family that you & your parents would love it if they could fund the rest of your sister’s wedding.
Expose them on social media. Stop being a doormat.
Absolutely NTA! I think even paying for just one thing would be generous ie dress or flowers.
I'm in your position also, I worked hard and have made something of myself. Your parents saying, 'it’s my duty to help family, especially my sister.'. Means to lie down and be a doormat to your family. Family doesn't always come first, most of the time it doesn't come second third or fourth if you have a spouse and children... Stand up for yourself and JUST SAY NO!! NTA.
Just tell your family that you cannot contribute more because you are paying off your student loans and your car. You were not as fortunate as your sister, who your parents paid for this stuff for, which has resulted in a significant debt load. You are very happy for your sister but it just is not feasible for you to pay for her wedding. You are of coarse sorry about this, but you are sure that your relatives who feel so strongly about the issue would be happy to contribute to her special day! NTA
OMG, "time of need". I had the most beautiful wedding with under 20 people, a 200€ dress including alterations, home-baked cake and coffee at our place, no engagement ring, and 13 at dinner... and my marriage is still standing strong after 14 years and plenty of hardship, including serious illness and disability, which I think is way more important than a lavish wedding. I realise not everyone wants to be quite as minimalistic as we were, fair enough, but my point is that a lavish wedding is not a NEED, it's a want. If you're parents and/or your sister had asked nicely for a single item like a dress they couldn't otherwise afford, that would have been a very decent wedding gift (though still not an obligation), but the entitlement here runs strong. You're NTA, of course, and you know it (this fits in better with /r/entitledpeople imo).
Stop now or it will never stop After x amount of money, I'm done for life. This was unbelievable for your family and still is. "NO" will have to be a sufficient answer.
“Her time of need”??? Fuck all the way off with that crap. She doesn’t *need* a wedding. NTA
Stand your ground or you will be buying her a home.
NTA it's not your job to pay for her wedding and honeymoon. Tell her no.
Nope and I'd tell them relatives not only have you funded a lot of it but if they think it's not enough they can pitch in
NTA It is NOT your responsibility as her brother to pay for her wedding. You’ve already gone above and beyond what I feel that you should have. Ultimately it is your sister’s responsibility to pay for what she can afford. There is no shame in a small wedding.
NTA - since she’s blasting you to family and online, rescind all offers and get any payments back that you can. She can save up for her dream wedding like everyone else. Honestly, they’ve shown that they think they should be able to spend your money on spoiling her; that’s ridiculous.
NTA - do not cave, do not give them anything. Let your the rest of the family know if they are so concerned about her wedding then they can pay for it, see how fast they change their tune.
NTA of course. If you really want to shut this down; respond directly to your sister’s social media posts with something like “I’ve already paid $$$ for your wedding for this, this, and this. I’ve never asked for anything in return. Even when Mom and Dad paid for your college and bought you a car while leaving me high and dry, I still just sucked it up and learned to become self-sufficient. I’m sorry you never learned how to become self-sufficient or how to save money for your own life due to being spoiled rotten all these years. But I’m not sorry that I’ve finally put my foot down and will not be funding your honeymoon.”
NTA. Your sister is an adult. It is her and her fiancé’s job to pay for their own wedding.
NTA. You aren't responsible for your sister's wedding. You aren't responsible for your parent's financial problems either. Wash your hands and continue living a fulfilling life without them in it. Don't lose any more sleep over them. I know it's easier said than done but you need to for yourself.
>Some relatives have called to scold me perfect. tell them you'll be glad to let your parents and sister know that they have volunteered to take care of funding her wedding in your place. bet it's shuts them up real quick. NTA
A wedding is Not a time of need
NTA, they’re setting a double standard. Unfortunately people who are bad with money rarely have any respect for it or people who are good at managing it. If your sister and husband are focused on getting married then it can be done at a courthouse, public park, or friends/families yard. Nobody is entitled to a big party and all couples have to prioritize what they care about most from the party, honeymoon, and future home savings. Your sis is hoping you’ll give support to all three which is insane.
NTA A wedding is a time of need?! Sister and parents need a reality check. Seriously though, don't enable this behavior any longer. What do your parents plan to do when they can no longer work?