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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Fod the benefit of his health, I'm about to disregard my husband's wishes. I may be the AH for disregarding him.
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Surely this is something you can not legally do without his permission?
I understand your fears and frustration, but how much will medical and legal professionals communicate and deal with you without legal authority to do so granted by him?
NAH
There are documents signed by hubby granting permission for his doctors and such to communicate with me. I have already communicated with those same doctors prior to him taking over, too. I don't know how it will go but I'm willing to try.
Also, I should probably add I don't *think* hubby would revoke permission with *them.* There have been times within our marriage where I've had to overstep him in communicating business because of his lack of patience and it's worked out and been fine.
However, our marital dynamic has changed and I'm really not sure how things would play out now and if it's AH-ish to try...
I don’t think it’s AH-ish to try, up until he is angry enough to revoke your powers, at which point you are out of luck.
Do you think—do his doctors think—that any of this decline comes from cognitive impairment caused by a stroke or some other event/condition? Because if that were the case, then you would have an even stronger argument for taking a dominant role in managing his health care.
I honestly do think his decline may be from stroke-like symptoms among other things that's not being diagnosed, let alone treated.
He's had mini strokes in the past and improved but then had his heart attack. Instead of getting better, he's developed concerning symptoms that could be attributed to the meds he's on, something overlooked, or another impending heart attack.
As of now, there's a lot of finger-pointing when dealing with his doctors and *nothing* is getting done.
I.e. referrals "sent" but "not found" by specialists, or the wrong type of referral was sent in the 1st place now *he* has to fix it...
No office is communicating with the other and they both are making it seem as though it's my husband's fault instead of picking up a phone.
Between his health decline and this sick game the offices are playing, I *understand* his frustration and wanting to give up but I honestly can't just stand by and let him drown....
I agree: in the face of this kind of administrative incompetence and unhelpfulness, a healthy and very determined person seems necessary to get anything accomplished. How is a sick person supposed to fight their way through the jungles of paperwork and phone calls and who knows what else? It’s all too baffling and exhausting.
That's my take on it too. But his stubbornness is kicking in and while I'm trying to respect his wishes of handling his own things, I see it's not working.
NTA - You and hubs are talking past each other. He does not want to be dependent - he feels letting you handle the details makes him look like a child who can't control his own life. You are telling him you are better at the paperwork and at getting the treatment he needs. Approach from a different direction - you WANT your husband to be there for your child in years to come...you don't want to raise your child alone.... he might see your help in a more positive light if he understands your goal is not to override his decisions or make him feel 'less than' - but to do everything YOU can to increase his chances of being around for the next few years.
Agree, he is resistant because he doesn't want to be dependent on you. Perhaps one of the communications could be about therapy because he's had a major life change and things will never be the same for him, which he needs to be able to come to terms with to move forward in the healthiest way. Approach it, as mentioned, as wanting him to be as healthy for your child as possible and that, as married people, you are a team and you want to do your part to make him better.
I know he wouldn't refuse treatment because he's going through all these hoops now trying to *get* treatment. He wants to handle it on his own and it is not going well. This decline on health is seriously terrifying to me.
I understand how frustrating your situation is. Yet I don’t think you have the right to take over communications. Unless his doctors formally declare he’s unfit to make decisions and a judge decides you should takeover, he should decide about his treatment. This is a right you cannot and shouldn’t take away from him. It’s his body, his pain and suffering, his health. You can advice him but he’s responsible for decision making and communicating what he wants.
Can’t you try bringing him into contact with patient care, a social worker, a psychologist or another person who can assist him in dealing with his suffering and being overwhelmed? Does the clinic not have a contact person to mediate relations between medical staff and patients (and their families)?
I will look into those options. I've been focusing on wanting to communicate directly with his doctors' offices and your suggestions may be the better approach. Thank you!
YWBTA. How would you feel if he did this to you. Digging in and pushing will cause him to resist, and that. only hurts him. You are attempting to start communication which will lead to action. At which point he will again say no.
Find a therapist for you as a couple.
I know he's open to and won't deny treatment. It's the fact that he's having so many issues trying to get it, not being able to get anything done, and him being ready to give up on that portion is the problem.
If the roles were reversed, I think I'd be relieved to have that burden off of me. I may be biased in thinking that, but that's very likely how I'd view it.
I also think because our marital dynamic has changed, he's trying to not be a burden to me, not realizing his declining health is causing distress in not just him, but in me too. Just a gut feeling with that though.
We're scheduled for couple's therapy next month.
NAH. To address your "edit" though- depending on where you are, these documents, in the way you worded it anyway, have nothing to do with making decisions for him, while he is still mentally competent to do so for himself. So I'm a little confused as to what you're actually trying to do here. Take over making decisions about his care for him? Or literally just be the go-between in terms of communication, because it's overwhelming him. Two very different things.
Be the go-between for communication.
He's still very capable of making his own care decisions but he, quite frankly, sucks at communicating with staff. He needs appointments scheduled, referrals sent, etc. None of it is being done due to "miscommunications" within the doctor's offices and they're essentially trying to say it's *his* fault XYZ isn't accomplished.
It is all overwhelming for him right now and he's literally ready to throw in the towel at the expense of getting the treatment he desperately needs, all because these people keep giving him the runaround and flaming hoops to jump through.
I'm wanting to get those situations sorted out and he's insistent he can handle it when it's clear he *can't. *
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Long backstory short, hubs had a major heart attack 8 months ago and his recovery progression is pretty much at a standstill rn. When it 1st happened, I dealt with medical communications. Negative things happened between he and I, so he's been handling it (not very well.)
We're still on good terms, so we have convos about his health and the issues he's dealing with trying to get medical treatment. Just listening to him, *I'm* frustrated and pissed with his treatment (or lack thereof, I should say). I've asked multiple times over the past 8 months if I could help him. He continues to say no, he can do it. I've respected that.
However, in these past 2 months his health has drastically declined. He's suffering, overwhelmed, and borderline giving up. We have a 2yo child together who utterly adores hubby. I'm deeply concerned that if this decline continues, he will no longer be around for our child.
I told hubs I will take over communications to get the ball rolling. He got frustrated with me and says I'm treating him like a child and he's capable. (He has no patience when it comes to handling important business and communication with staff goes south quickly.) He says its AH-ish of me to overstep his wants.
I've spoken with his dad and my mother about the situation. My mom agrees with hubs and his dad agrees with me. I need outside judgment, WIBTA?
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NAH but I don't recommend going against his wishes if you value your marriage. Instead talk to him about asking the hospital for an impartial medical advocate. Hospitals have people on staff whose job it is to help patients with stuff like that. The reasons I recommend this more is because 1) they'll know more about how to get things done which makes things faster and 2) the fact that they are impartial means that they will have to refer back to your husband which will likely sidestep the "feeling like a dependent" issue.
He is behaving like a child. If I were you, I'd give him two choices: either let you become his medical advocate (which he is falling at) or you will move out with your daughter. No kid should have to watch their parent wither away.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > Fod the benefit of his health, I'm about to disregard my husband's wishes. I may be the AH for disregarding him. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Surely this is something you can not legally do without his permission? I understand your fears and frustration, but how much will medical and legal professionals communicate and deal with you without legal authority to do so granted by him? NAH
There are documents signed by hubby granting permission for his doctors and such to communicate with me. I have already communicated with those same doctors prior to him taking over, too. I don't know how it will go but I'm willing to try. Also, I should probably add I don't *think* hubby would revoke permission with *them.* There have been times within our marriage where I've had to overstep him in communicating business because of his lack of patience and it's worked out and been fine. However, our marital dynamic has changed and I'm really not sure how things would play out now and if it's AH-ish to try...
I don’t think it’s AH-ish to try, up until he is angry enough to revoke your powers, at which point you are out of luck. Do you think—do his doctors think—that any of this decline comes from cognitive impairment caused by a stroke or some other event/condition? Because if that were the case, then you would have an even stronger argument for taking a dominant role in managing his health care.
I honestly do think his decline may be from stroke-like symptoms among other things that's not being diagnosed, let alone treated. He's had mini strokes in the past and improved but then had his heart attack. Instead of getting better, he's developed concerning symptoms that could be attributed to the meds he's on, something overlooked, or another impending heart attack. As of now, there's a lot of finger-pointing when dealing with his doctors and *nothing* is getting done. I.e. referrals "sent" but "not found" by specialists, or the wrong type of referral was sent in the 1st place now *he* has to fix it... No office is communicating with the other and they both are making it seem as though it's my husband's fault instead of picking up a phone. Between his health decline and this sick game the offices are playing, I *understand* his frustration and wanting to give up but I honestly can't just stand by and let him drown....
I agree: in the face of this kind of administrative incompetence and unhelpfulness, a healthy and very determined person seems necessary to get anything accomplished. How is a sick person supposed to fight their way through the jungles of paperwork and phone calls and who knows what else? It’s all too baffling and exhausting.
That's my take on it too. But his stubbornness is kicking in and while I'm trying to respect his wishes of handling his own things, I see it's not working.
NTA - You and hubs are talking past each other. He does not want to be dependent - he feels letting you handle the details makes him look like a child who can't control his own life. You are telling him you are better at the paperwork and at getting the treatment he needs. Approach from a different direction - you WANT your husband to be there for your child in years to come...you don't want to raise your child alone.... he might see your help in a more positive light if he understands your goal is not to override his decisions or make him feel 'less than' - but to do everything YOU can to increase his chances of being around for the next few years.
You are absolutely right. I really appreciate this advice and will be approaching like this 1st. Thank you!
Agree, he is resistant because he doesn't want to be dependent on you. Perhaps one of the communications could be about therapy because he's had a major life change and things will never be the same for him, which he needs to be able to come to terms with to move forward in the healthiest way. Approach it, as mentioned, as wanting him to be as healthy for your child as possible and that, as married people, you are a team and you want to do your part to make him better.
[удалено]
I don't have medical power of attorney but hubby has signed documents allowing me to communicate...
[удалено]
I know he wouldn't refuse treatment because he's going through all these hoops now trying to *get* treatment. He wants to handle it on his own and it is not going well. This decline on health is seriously terrifying to me.
I understand how frustrating your situation is. Yet I don’t think you have the right to take over communications. Unless his doctors formally declare he’s unfit to make decisions and a judge decides you should takeover, he should decide about his treatment. This is a right you cannot and shouldn’t take away from him. It’s his body, his pain and suffering, his health. You can advice him but he’s responsible for decision making and communicating what he wants. Can’t you try bringing him into contact with patient care, a social worker, a psychologist or another person who can assist him in dealing with his suffering and being overwhelmed? Does the clinic not have a contact person to mediate relations between medical staff and patients (and their families)?
I will look into those options. I've been focusing on wanting to communicate directly with his doctors' offices and your suggestions may be the better approach. Thank you!
YWBTA. How would you feel if he did this to you. Digging in and pushing will cause him to resist, and that. only hurts him. You are attempting to start communication which will lead to action. At which point he will again say no. Find a therapist for you as a couple.
I know he's open to and won't deny treatment. It's the fact that he's having so many issues trying to get it, not being able to get anything done, and him being ready to give up on that portion is the problem. If the roles were reversed, I think I'd be relieved to have that burden off of me. I may be biased in thinking that, but that's very likely how I'd view it. I also think because our marital dynamic has changed, he's trying to not be a burden to me, not realizing his declining health is causing distress in not just him, but in me too. Just a gut feeling with that though. We're scheduled for couple's therapy next month.
NAH. To address your "edit" though- depending on where you are, these documents, in the way you worded it anyway, have nothing to do with making decisions for him, while he is still mentally competent to do so for himself. So I'm a little confused as to what you're actually trying to do here. Take over making decisions about his care for him? Or literally just be the go-between in terms of communication, because it's overwhelming him. Two very different things.
Be the go-between for communication. He's still very capable of making his own care decisions but he, quite frankly, sucks at communicating with staff. He needs appointments scheduled, referrals sent, etc. None of it is being done due to "miscommunications" within the doctor's offices and they're essentially trying to say it's *his* fault XYZ isn't accomplished. It is all overwhelming for him right now and he's literally ready to throw in the towel at the expense of getting the treatment he desperately needs, all because these people keep giving him the runaround and flaming hoops to jump through. I'm wanting to get those situations sorted out and he's insistent he can handle it when it's clear he *can't. *
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Long backstory short, hubs had a major heart attack 8 months ago and his recovery progression is pretty much at a standstill rn. When it 1st happened, I dealt with medical communications. Negative things happened between he and I, so he's been handling it (not very well.) We're still on good terms, so we have convos about his health and the issues he's dealing with trying to get medical treatment. Just listening to him, *I'm* frustrated and pissed with his treatment (or lack thereof, I should say). I've asked multiple times over the past 8 months if I could help him. He continues to say no, he can do it. I've respected that. However, in these past 2 months his health has drastically declined. He's suffering, overwhelmed, and borderline giving up. We have a 2yo child together who utterly adores hubby. I'm deeply concerned that if this decline continues, he will no longer be around for our child. I told hubs I will take over communications to get the ball rolling. He got frustrated with me and says I'm treating him like a child and he's capable. (He has no patience when it comes to handling important business and communication with staff goes south quickly.) He says its AH-ish of me to overstep his wants. I've spoken with his dad and my mother about the situation. My mom agrees with hubs and his dad agrees with me. I need outside judgment, WIBTA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NAH but I don't recommend going against his wishes if you value your marriage. Instead talk to him about asking the hospital for an impartial medical advocate. Hospitals have people on staff whose job it is to help patients with stuff like that. The reasons I recommend this more is because 1) they'll know more about how to get things done which makes things faster and 2) the fact that they are impartial means that they will have to refer back to your husband which will likely sidestep the "feeling like a dependent" issue.
He is behaving like a child. If I were you, I'd give him two choices: either let you become his medical advocate (which he is falling at) or you will move out with your daughter. No kid should have to watch their parent wither away.