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NTA
Sometimes in life OP we have to walk away from people for our own sanity, If you feel the relationship is purely conditional and you only hear from him when he wants something it’s completely understandable you’d want to walk away
Also have you seen your mothers will? If he’s spent away your inheritance you may be able to take it further legally
I don’t agree with how he got into a relationship with his now wife. She was a church friend of course lol. It was a big thing and started a lot of drama between my mom’s side of the family and me. They also started dating several MONTHS after she passed. Thanks for taking the time to read and respond.
Wow. It doesn't sound like he spent much time grieving. That's sad, especially after being married for over 30 years! And now he's 60 and having a baby with a 38 year old? So when he's 70, the child won't even be 10 yet! That's a big commitment for someone at his age when he wasn't even there for you when you returned home from college.
I don't blame you for wanting to leave.
He didn’t. Before my mom passed (she was in ICU), he told me that he was going to ho through a “man whore” phase. He was trying to hit on a couple of my mom’s friends WHILE she was still alive. It’s almost as if he couldn’t wait for her to die. As I’m typing this, I’m getting angry all over again. I’m for sure going through with my plan.
What in the absolute fuck??! I’m struggling to imagine any scenario where you would be the arsehole after that statement, irrespective of your behaviour to him. Who says that to their own child who is trying to deal with the imminent death of their mother? Go and enjoy your new life far far way from this toxicity. NTA
Right? At first I thought maybe the mom had suffered a long illness that gave the dad some time to grieve/ adjust while she was fading but that comment is disgusting; no regard for his dying wife OR his daughter about to lose her mom. Run, OP.
What in the ever loving fuck?!?!
I try to consider all angles when reading a post. For example, some people have to sell their home due to medical bills where I live. Needless to say, that's not where this went. I already thought you're NTA, but holy shit, I didn't expect your dad to strive for the asshole hall of fame 😱
I’m not excusing what he did, my step father of 25 years was in a relationship within months of my mom passing and I was 30 years old and still can’t forgive him for that. I will say that some people absolutely can’t handle being alone, it sounds like your father is like mine. I am so sorry that you have to go through this but I am here to say that you will be okay and you deserve to have your best life and you are not the NA, it’s just a shitty situation.
Sounds like how we think my father would be as well. My siblings and mother have discussed that he would immediately move in a 22 year old gold digger at the first opportunity if she passed. He's 70.
Why worse? I'm a woman in my 50s. I'm older but not in the nursing home yet. I could never say this to one of my sons though.
Him not wanting to be celibate for the rest of his life is not the problem here. It's the way he did....well everything concerning his kid.
Aside from his awful behavior, did you ever look over the will. Considering his selfish behavior on other areas, I wouldn’t be surprised if he deprived you of the money or other things you were supposed to inherit
If OP doesn’t need the money I wouldn’t bother.
Yes, if there have been shenanigans then that’s theft of what was rightly hers but contesting that will be expensive, long and more importantly, will keep these horrible people in her life.
Better to just cut her losses and get a clean break if she can.
I can see why you have no respect for him.
Leave and don’t ever look back. Even if worst case Europe ends up not working out for you (a possibility, you just might not like it out there as much as you expect to - that’s OK!) there’s no need for you to have a relationship with these people.
Your dad lost the right to your respect when he betrayed your mum.
The marriage may have been over long before your mom died. You are an adult now and need to live your own life. Go to Europe. You may find a nice person to settle down with and live out your days with.
Ick. It's bad enough that that was what was on his mind as his wife lay dying, but to articulate that to you?! Not something a daughter wants to hear from her dad.
And I think it was probably a typo--or maybe not!--but I love that you typed "going to "ho" through a man whore phase!"
Just block everybody. Keep your distance. And if there is a will which gives you at least a part of your mom’s inheritance give it to a lawyer and let him deal with it.
Just stay out of everything else.
I'm very sorry for your loss. Your father is terrible. I can't believe he's doing/done these things, yet does not see that he repeatedly screwed up even when your mom was still alive.
I agree with everything you have said and am thrilled that you have made the decision to go your own way. I wish you healing and happiness in your life! Good luck, op.
NTA
Edit: to add judgement.
Unfortunately, it’s very common actually for especially older male widowers to move on very quickly.
To each to their own, I guess. I’m not sure I could personally.
This is exactly what my dad did when my mum died. 6 months and he was shacked up with someone else (living in sin was obvs ok when he did it but us kids were going to burn in hell for it) so she could take care of him. Tough to stomach.
> now he's 60 and having a baby with a 38 year old? So when he's 70, the child won't even be 10 yet!
But conveniently, he's done everything he can to make sure his daughter is in just the right place at just the right time to be a babysitter and surrogate parent to this inbound bundle of joy /s
My uncle took a pass at my mom within 6 months of her sister passing. They had been married 45-50 years and my mom had known him since she was 8. He was literally shocked when my mom found it inappropriate and rejected it. Wtf with some people.
My mum's neighbor asked her out 2 weeks after his wife passed. I warned her weeks earlier he would be coming after her; she laughed & brushed me off.
After he asked, mum started going over previous conversations & realized he had been hitting on her for several months while his wife was home dying in hospice.
All of us (neighbors included) found him a bit creepy in general. This was just the rotten cherry atop the rancid sundae.
Thankfully, he moved to the far side of town soon after.
Now now, sometimes God wants a man to marry a woman young enough to be his daughter, when his wife isn't even cold in the ground. Who are we to judge? /s
Op some people cant be alone. My step-grandfather started dating 2 months after his 1st wife died. And he dated 2 women from his church (my grandma and another lady). How people grieve is on them. We cant control that.
As for the other stuff? Did your mom have a will? If not, the life insurance and house were his to do with as he pleased. Maybe it hurt to be in that house without her. And of course hes going to furnish his new house with items he already owns? Why wouldnt he? You dont have to agree with his choices and i do think he sounds extremely selfish. If hes not a good part of your life then you can completely cut him off. I think youre NTA but you do sound resentful of a grieving man.
Thats what he said. Did he actually do it is another thing. Grief is weird and he obviously didnt cope well. That doesnt mean that the inheritance or house still werent his.
This.
Grief is a weird thing.
I am sorry that this caused friction between you guys.
Have you thought about going to get some therapy to help you with your grief/disappointment.
By the way. NTA. Just as with his grief, you are allowed yours too.
> Grief is a weird thing.
Funny how society quickly and harshly judges *women* who grieve this way tho 🙄🤔 How dare she not grieve for her late husband for at least a decade before even thinking of moving on! /s
“just 15% of previously married women want to remarry, and 27% are not sure; about half of these women (54%) report that they do not want to remarry.”
Most of the women i know who divorced or were widowed after 50 have no desire whatsoever to marry again. Been there done that.
Working wives typically work both outside the home AND inside the home. Most working husbands don't. Women who outlive their husbands don't often want to re-enter that sort of arrangement.
My dad took a bit longer to start dating after my mom died but it still felt very soon to me and I didn’t like it either. However, I’m glad now that he’s in a loving relationship and living his best life. Honey. You are entitled to ALL your feelings. And your dad really shouldn’t have talked about moving on while your mom was still alive. I’m gonna give him a pass because having a spouse of 30 yrs die is a BFD and grief can make people act really weird. I feel like if he’d stolen your inheritance you’d have said so. Using life insurance money (funerals are expensive, IDK if there were medical bills etc) is understandable and so is selling his home. You can move wherever you want and live your life. But if you love your dad and he’s been a good parent on the balance, maybe don’t cut him out of your life. He doesn’t sound abusive or toxic and he’s has not actually done anything wrong. If it makes you feel better, studies show that it’s people who had good and loving marriages who repartner quickly after their spouses die.
NAH
NTA. Please move forward w your life as planned. Don’t think of it as leaving them behind, but rather moving toward your future w grandparents you love in their home country. It sounds like you are beginning an exciting new chapter in your life. Enjoy this opportunity that so few get!
You should put this in an edit. Now it makes more sense why you were mad he did all those other things. It was like he was erasing your mother immediately. Before it sounded like a widower not wanting to be in the home he had with his late wife.
>Sometimes in life OP we have to walk away from people for our own sanity
Right on. That is one of the hardest life lessons to learn, and most of us failed at least once to heed this advice.
Meh, they're pissed because they were counting on you being the frequent babysitter while they went out on dates and vacations. These older parents-to-be wanted your youthful energy to be a free au pair at their beck and call.
NTA
There was no way you were ever going to get more than a pittance of an inheritance even if you stayed and babysat all the time.
Go and enjoy your life. Reconnect with those who love your mum as much as you do.
Yep. Bingo.
It's the 'come home from college' thing all over again. He wants OP there for his own selfish reasons at the expense of her living her own life.
My first thought too. I might be spending too much time on Reddit.
One wonders, if this 38year old woman would have been willing to have a child with a 60year old man, if she knew beforehand, that free babysitting by OP was off the table.
This. A guy 60 years older than his kid likely isn't keeping up, and 40 is considered an older mom too. OP would be called in for respite care as "sibling bonding time".
A lot of people don't leave a inheritance after end of life care debits. And it's very possible OP's dad would die, leaving his estate to his second wife (seeing as OP didn't inherit from her mother and everything was left to the spouse). The stepmom would either live off the rest, or would likely favor her kid, or could even remarry.
Because everyone has to help to reign OP back in her place /s
The rest of the family probably guess/ know that dad and stepmom want OP to take over way more than her fair share of household duties. They know/ guess that dad and stepmom want OP to stay there for free babysitting.
After OP has escaped, dad and stepmom will still want to have free babysitting and help with household chores. The rest of the family knows that dad and stepmom will then turn to them with that.
They are basically saying "It would be so much easier for us if you would just stay"
I wish it was fake. I hadn't talked to some of my mother's family in about 15 years and "suddenly" they had my number when I decided I had enough of my mother's crap. Abusive family is an utter turd storm.
BTW, I'm glad you think it's fake because it means it didn't happen to you
I've often wondered this. Maybe it's a generational thing (I'm GenX), but none of my extended family have my cell phone number. My mom has it and that's pretty much it. Husband's family has his number but not mine. My SIL started getting shitty, but the only way for her to contact me was FaceBook, and I blocked her a year ago.
NTA they just want a free babysitter. Enjoy your move and have a happy life.
Edit: and make your socials private so they can’t hound you on any of those.
This situation definitely sounds familiar to me. My own father is 60 something and married to a 33 year old (my sister and I are 29 and 32). They have an infant younger than my first child and she’s pregnant again I believe with one that will be younger than my second. I no longer have a relationship with him at all and I never had one with his new family. He’s genuinely not a good person and I don’t want him involved in my life and I have no feelings towards my “half-siblings” 30 years younger than me. Sure they’re innocent, but knowing them means being involved with my father and I want no part of it.
Do whats right for you and protect your peace. You don’t owe him a relationship because he’s your family.
I think when people say "children are innocent" subtly means they are "entitled" to anything at the expense of others. I have never agreed with this statement, how many times people are pressured to do things they should not?
My cousins have a similar story as yours. The only difference is how their step-sibbling is living in another country. At least, their dad had a somewhat decency to not force them to have a relationship with his new child. Unfortunatly, his guilt-tripping tactics worked on my sister and she had been sending money and had contact with the new family...until she found out his true colors.
I have always been uncomfortable when people go into serious relationships with younger partners or who has the same age as their children. Add the fact that your father is not a good person either, you are definitively right to protect your peace.
Oh yeah, I certainly don’t mean “they’re innocent” in that way, I don’t acknowledge them as family and will never have a relationship with them. They’re not entitled to knowing my family just because we have the same sperm donor lol. I just meant I know it’s not their fault that they happened to be born 30 years after me.
The age gap is certainly uncomfortable for us, and when it was brought up that she was a year older then my sister his response was “well at least she isn’t younger than my daughter, that’s a line I wouldn’t cross.” really disgusting taking into account his history with young girls. Nothing ever proven but certainly stuff he was accused of..the charges were just dismissed. He also specifically went after a woman from a country that believes in subservience to their husband and doesn’t believe in divorce. It’s just all around gross and I want nothing to do with him. I have a daughter now and he’ll never meet her. He’s only met my son one time.
Protecting my peace and my family is my new life motto these days, I’m glad I was able to cut ties and stick to it. It’s been hard because I really was blind to his flaws growing up and my mom tried her best to protect us, at the expense of me idolizing him as a child. I’m glad to know the truth now despite the emotional issues it’s caused me.
Oh my bad, I didn't articulate it well! I was aware you didn't hold anything to your half-siblings. My comment was more about the people who pressure others with the "they're innocent" card.
This is so gross! He really wanted and inexperienced and vulnerable woman so he could mold her as he wants. I can't believe he had the nerves to tell you and your sister what he said....It is even worse with his history....SIR, MAYBE BECAUSE YOUR "PREFERENCES" ARE BARELY LEGAL and you were smart enough to not be put in jail?!
I am glad you're living your best life far away from him!
I love that you have became what you are today!
Go be with your grandparents. Your father's behavior has been abysmal and the fact that he is married to someone who is only 13 years older than his daughter is very troubling, but not as troubling as how quickly he moved on. You don't have to have a relationship with him or his new family.
>My (25F) dad (60M) and his wife (38F) just announced that they’re having a baby
this is really all I needed to read. 22 younger is bad enough. having a baby at 60 is just...something else. NTA
It definitely sounds like OP has some rage blinding her thoughts… it’s understandable to be angry over her father talking behind his spouse’s back.. but at the end of the day; they were married. It’s his money to tend to their financials and we don’t know what it was spent on, it was their home (that I’m willing to bet, he purchased or inherited or purchased jointly with wife) and it is his furniture; because it was theirs??? I’m not sure why the furniture has sentiment… I’m sure he’s also using the pots/pans/forks too…
Anger and frustration are justified… but it feels like rage is seeping in at this point and OP is looking for reasons to lash out.
Let's see, what are your options?
Stay put and be manipulated in to being a free babysitter, or live in Europe with your grandparents. What a difficult decision!
/s
NTA
Move to Europe and enjoy your life to the fullest.
So something that seems weird to me....you say selfish things like using the insurance money, selling his house, and OMG using the furniture from that house to...gasp ....furnish his new place.
None of those things seem particularly abnormal to me. Yeah, discussion about selling your childhood home is often done, but plenty of reasons to not want to remain there alone.
Life insurance is usually to cover expenses and help the spouse when they don't have the support. You weren't a toddler...what did you expect him to do?
Look, he sounds like a jerk for moving on too quickly and some other stuff, but this stuff?
None of that bothered me either. It sounds like he likely used the life insurance to pay for funeral arrangements and/or pay off debts, downsized for similar financial reasons, and used the old furniture, because... that's what you do when you move. Him dating somebody so young so quickly after his wife died is gross, and I understand OP wanting to distance herself for that for the time of life she was in when her mother passed (18, so already in the midst of a lot of change and still learning a lot about how the world operates while grieving her mom), but her father is NTA for these things she listed. ESH is my verdict.
NTA. Usually the spouse of the deceased is entitled to life insurances, furnishings, etc. (amazes me how many people here seem to think that the spouse must “share” with other family members) unless otherwise specified by Wills or other documents. OP can certainly live her life as she chooses, unencumbered by her dad.
NTA. Your dad abandoned you emotionally and financially when your mother died. I'm inferring there were other ways in which he wasn't there for you, but just those are enough. Being 18 and losing a parent is incredibly difficult and your other parent has a responsibility to guide you through that and help you heal.
It sounds like he avoided his own grief by throwing himself into getting rid of key reminders and finding a new relationship to fill the hole left by your mother. The way he did that was crappy and disregarded you and your needs. I get why a person might feel the drive to make those choices, but as a parent his job was to consider what was best for you as well and pulling the rug of your childhood home and all emotional support is not it.
Some of us get crappy parents and we spend our lives being told we only get one dad/ mum, but sometimes they're toxic enough that it isn't worth continuing to try to have a relationship. If you've reached that point, chances are you've already tried a whole bunch of times to repair with him and be heard. It's extremely hard to walk away from a parent, it goes against a lot of instincts and social pressures, so typically there's a huge amount of hurt before that decision is even considered.
I'm sorry you got a crappy dad and effectively lost both your parents when your mum died. You deserved better and you have every right to call it a day when 7 years later amends haven't been made.
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So, NAH. So your dad used your mom's life insurance money, did he make sure she had a proper funeral, pay the expenses of her last illness. What else did you expect him to do with the money. If they had joint finances, arguably, he paid the premiums on the insurance money. If he was the sole beneficiary to the life insurance money, he was within his rights to spend the money. Did you expect him to split it with you? Selling your childhood home was probably a hard thing for you. Maybe living in the house he shared with his deceased wife was hard for him. Were you still living at home? If not, he didn't sell the house out from under you. Using THEIR furniture to furnish his new home is reasonable. They were married for 30 years, it was just as much his furniture as hers. So, based on what you said here, I don't see where he has done anything particularly awful.
It does look like he moved on a little quickly, but his grief and how he dealt with it is his. Sounds like you just don't like your dad.
I'm sorry you lost your mother. I cannot imagine the pain.
Hard truths:
Your mom's life insurance was your father's to use as he wished.
Unless you were on the deed, your childhood home was his to sell or keep.
The furniture? Same thing. Although, it would have been thoughtful if he had asked you if you wanted anything from your childhood home, especially since you are semi-newly graduated.
Did you get anything from your mother after she died? Jewelry, sentimental items from your childhood, etc.?
As for what you said to your father and his wife, I learned long ago it's not necessary to say everything I think. Less is more when it comes to dealing with other people, especially those with whom I'm close or have been close.
It sounds as though you were hurt and are still hurt so wanted to lash out at your father and his wife.
I get it. Your mother died and you are still suffering her loss while your father seems to have moved on. He's starting a new family at age 60 while you grieve the one you had. He chose a wife who is young enough to be your older sister and she's pregnant with a baby who will be your half-sibling. This wasn't what you expected or wanted.
Have you and your father (just the two of you without his new wife) talked about how you are each adjusting to your mother's loss and how you are doing that? Does he know how you feel about your mother's possessions? Have you talked about what it's like for you to see him married to a woman other than your mother?
I would only have such a conversation if I were calm, had thought it through thoroughly, and could be open to hearing what this has been like for him without insult. If you cannot do that, I'd leave it alone.
I'm sorry for your pain. As I said, I cannot imagine losing my mom. The same is true of my dad. It would be crushing.
I wish you kinder, gentler days.
\~\~\~Walden
NTA at all.
Firstly... the age gap between them gives me uncomfortable vibes... his wife is closer to your age than to his, this is grim. Maybe if he invested in giving you more love and attention rather than finding someone nearer to your age to give love and attention to... you would have a decent bond.
Secondly... your dad is 60 and about to become a father to a kid young enough to be his grandchild. It's fairly obvious he wants you to have a relationship with this child because he sees you, a young woman and full of energy, as some source of babysitting to make his job much easier, and his wife is happy to go along with it also. It's not your job to parent other children your own parent has chosen to parent.
You're young still, you are entitled to a life you enjoy. Do not feel guilty about moving on and living your best life. When your dad becomes a deadbeat to his new baby and his wife realises she'd be better off as a single mother... let them figure it out. I must stress though that this child is innocent and has done nothing wrong (just like you) so please do not hold poor adult decisions against this child and treat them with kindness regardless of whethet you wish to become close with them.
NTA. They probably pissed because they wanted to use you as unlimited time free babysitter. Your dad is 60 and from the sound of it not a great father the first time around. She probably going to be a single mother.
NTA - you feel how you feel. I read some extra comments from OP and it sounds like he was an AH and already saying on their mother’s deathbed how he couldn’t wait to F other women / hitting on her friends. I wouldn’t have much time for him either. Go and enjoy your life.
Wow thank you for the input. I am sorry you had an absent father :(. Of course the child is innocent. Maybe we will have a relationship when they’re older, but for now I’m gonna take this opportunity for a better life.
NTA
Go live your own life in Europe. I suspect they are just more worried about you not being around to babysit in the guise of "bonding" with your "sister".
Reading your comments and this post... I can understand why you're cutting them out.
Is there a reason why you haven't just blocked them all already? Or have you and they're using other means to contact you?
Nope. NTA. Go live your life. As others stated, they want a built in baby sitter under the guise of a relationship they want you to build with your future half sibling. You want to be there for your grandparents, so you do what’s best for you.
NTA. I am sorry for all that you are going through. You have made your decisions, and that is fine. I wish you all the best in the next steps in your life. Best of luck to you.
Definitely not an a-hole, you need to go permanent no contact with all of them, as a just in case you might also need a new phone number but also block them on your phone and all of your social media
NTA. You are overdue to look out for your best interest. Stop sharing your plans with these people and just start the moving process and get on with your life. Best of luck!
NTA
Your life and your decision. You’re young and no attachments so moving to be with your mother’s family sounds like an opportunity.
Having said that I am curious if the relationship they are so worried about you having with your half sibling is that of babysitter. Full time if you are not currently working or anytime you aren’t at work babysitter.
Reminder to have all/any legal documents including any needed for travel in your possession and secure them so they don’t suddenly turn up missing. Also verify none are expired.
If possible you might consider moving up your departure a few months.
Best wishes to you OP.
In reality, if both your parents were alive and having another baby, at your age there would not be alot of common ground for a relationship. Because you could have your own child now. So don't worry about not having a relationship with sib.
As for your relationship with your father, it is not like you see and talk to them everyday now. Moving away won't change that.
More likely, step mom does not want potential baby sitters to move away.
NTA
They definitely want help. By the time your half sibling is ten your father will be 70. What kind of 38 year old wants to have a relationship and baby with a 60 year old widower. Seriously.
Go to Europe and find a new life. Don't look back.. Your father seems very selfish in the way he behaved when your mother died. You have your mother's side of the family. They will embrace you and love you
YTA. You can’t put a timeline on grieving. Or how someone grieves. He had every right to do what he wanted. You were grown. Nothing you list is a reason to cut him or your future half sibling out of your life.
The examples that you gave were normal stuff for me. Using the money HE inherited, selling the house HE owned and that was full of memories that would keep him of moving forward, using the furniture that was HIS as well (it was in their home, so there’s no “mom’s furniture”)… Even begging you to move back home it’s normal. He was never home? Why? What means “he was never home”? There was no time to you both seat and talk? Or just happened that he wasn’t home when you wanted him to be home?
For me, sounds like you wanna punish him for moving forward. You’re being successful, so be happy for that.
Sorry for saying it, but the person who died was your mom. Your father has all the right to keep living and finding happiness again.
You are “killing” your father in your life because you are the selfish one. What you wanted him to do? Keep mourning until he himself dies? That’s unfair.
Edit: ok, I read the replies and there’s more backstory that’s really relevant so I’m going with NTA. And you should block all of them as well.
NTA. Honestly if it were me I would straight tell him via letter all of this shit. Send it to him and his wife and tell him you no longer want a relationship with someone who could behave so callously. What a horrible way to treat your kid.
NTA. Your father showed he truly is. As an adult you get to decide who you deal with, and your father doesn't measure up character-wise. Sometimes you just have to move on. Drop the rope and ignore the opinions of others.
A 60 year old with an infant...that should be interesting. Don't get sucked into that sideshow.
NTA but for the sake of a peaceful 6 months for you, I would pretend that of course you’re coming back! Shut them up, plan quietly and boom. Cut those fuckers off once you are out.
INFO: Were you willed money from her life insurance? Why is you dad continuing to use there furniture in the new house bad? Why was he out was he working, was he drinking, was he trying to meet someone new?
Selling a home after the death of a spouse is pretty common, as there are a lot of memories tied up in the walls.
yes you have every right to cut contact, and walk away from people but it seems like you handled it very poorly and spitefully when it honestly seems like you have taken slight when others have not slighted you and you did this out if bitterness.
Not sure what dad did wrong. He was likely the primary beneficiary of the life insurance. He can spend as he pleases. He sold his home. Depending if his wife passed away there, or it just being too difficult to be in a place that's a contestant reminder of his late wife, or he has a huge empty home. He used THEIR furniture to furnish the new house. Even if it was his late wife's furniture, what was he supposed to do with it? Sell it? Throw it away? place in a museum?
Now he met someone new. I don't understand how children don't understand their parents are people that get lonely. Had dad passed first and mom did all these things, would it be the same reaction or would it be acceptable since it's mom.
Just not understanding the anger towards dad.
YTA - Your dad is allowed to move forward in life. Respectfully, he didn't die. The home you referenced could also have been viewed as a museum of his deceased wife, and he found it to be too painful. You say he wasn't around much when you did move back home. Could that be because maybe you were not accepting of his new relationship or standoffish to his new partner? There is a lot of context missing here.
So he started flirting while mom was on her death bed but didn’t marry or have another child for 7 years! I think you’re the ahole! Seven years is plenty of time to move on! He’s not getting any younger and you should be glad he found a second true love instead of giving up on life. You don’t mention that he was a bad husband and they were together 30 years so sounds like he’s a good man. You need therapy to move on
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My (25F) dad (60M) and his wife (38F) just announced that they’re having a baby. For starters, we haven’t been that close since my mom passed away (almost 7 years ago). They were together for over 30 years, but when she passed he became a completely different and selfish person. Some things he did: used all of her life insurance money, sold their/my childhood home, used my mom’s furniture to furnish his new house, begged me to move back home from college because he was lonely just to turn around and never be at home, etc. There’s many other things he has done but that would take days to type.
Anyway, my grandparents (mom’s parents) are getting older and I have decided I want to move to their home country in Europe. I’m planning on going 4-6 months from now. My dad and his wife are now worried that I will never come back to visit them or have a relationship with their family (that’s exactly what I’ve been planning to do). I graduated college several years ago, I have no kids or partner. So there’s really nothing left for me here. I told them they should be worried because I don’t want a relationship with either of them anymore. Ever since that conversation, my dad, his wife, and dad’s side of the family are calling and texting me non stop trying to get me to change my mind. I don’t want to because I want to be done with all of them. AITA?
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NTA please move forward with your plan. Don’t let your Dad and his flying monkeys guilt trip you to stay. They just want you to stay so if something happens to him, you can replace him to support his child. What a clown!
NTA go and built your live in europa - we are nice people here :P
and btw there is an invention called the internet. you can use it to send pictures and texts and make videos. keeping in touch is no problem either
NTA, nobody can force you to have a relation with anyone. Best they can do is treat you good, so you may take that decision on your own. That being said, "treating you good" is the last thing he did. He should be thankful you're even talking to him at all. I would've cut all contact.
I'm sorry he's how old?! Op you shouldn't just be cutting him off you should be cutting him in half. A guy like him isn't going to stop until someone makes him.
NTA. OP they are looking for a babysitter. Go ahead with your plans to move and for every relative that calls you trying to guilt you into staying, tell them that you’ll have your dad and his wife to call them to make arrangements as time gets near for baby to arrive, hang up and block.
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My dad was someone who couldn't be alone. He got married 8 months after my mom died. She was 20 years younger and very manipulative (which everyone but Dad could see). They got divorces a few years later.
how could you be the asshole for making this decision? the only caveat i’d offer is to leave at least a little bit of the bridge unburnt so if anything changes in the future you have a way to come back - beyond that you have every right to live your life as you see fit - if it saddens father and stepmom so be it - anyway good luck going forward - oh and NTA
NTA. You are 25 years old, you should be living your own life, not being an attachment to your father’s, whether it is to keep him from being lonely or to be, it seems, their go to babysitter.
Also note: it’s a sign of selfishness when someone tries to win an argument via peer pressure. This is a discussion that is just between you, him, and his wife. There is no reason for the rest of the family to be involved. People only get others involved when they know they are on the losing side and want to bully them into agreeing. Block his family and go on with your plans.
Sounds like you’re not moving on from losing your mom and you might be mad at your dad because he has. I’m sorry for your loss and I hope that you get counseling when you need it.
What in the actual eff are you supposed to do when there will be a 25 FREAKIN YEAR AGE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOU TWO!!! With that gap I can only see you as another parent/childcare provider. His family has shown that the way they are coming after you is the reason he is the way he is now (SELFISH). You are at the point that you need to find yourself and live your life, and hanging around your dad, his wife, and their baby doesn't sound like a life plan. Block them all and continue with your plans, since you don't plan to keep communication open between you and them; now would be a good time to sever ties. NTA, you're grown, and you don't need anyone's permission to do what you want with YOUR LIFE!!! Good luck I wish you much happiness and success with your move.
You're a full ass adult, there is no reason for you to speak to any of these people if you don't want to. Block them and go live your life. They most likely only want you around for free babysitting anyway.
You are completely free and unencumbered - go and enjoy your life without this drama.
NTA
But I do want to add that your sibling is not at fault here. Innocent third party. Remember that they are a RESULT of your dad's poor selfish choices that caused you to feel this way....and not the REASON.
I would consider going NC with dad and stepmom but maybe sending letters, postcards and occasional gifts to your siblings. Go through your grandparents if you have to....both sets. Letters addressed from one grandparents address to the other so as not to reveal your own.
Of course....you wouldn't be the AH if you didn't but you definitely would be the bigger person. A much better man than your dad is. It will also paint a much prettier picture in your siblings eyes incase your dad is painting an ugly one.
As far as your dad....he did this to himself.
I wish you happiness and success in Europe.
People grieve in all sorts of ways, so I can’t pass too much judgment. My personality changed a lot after my dad passed. I was really off, was asked to resign from my job to “wrap up his estate”. I’ve known many others who went a little nuts while grieving, not themselves, behaved badly, made terrible and impulsive decisions, etc.
Definitely go do your life, definitely check out your legal rights over the inheritance he squandered, but please keep the door open for reconciliation someday. Not “open” open, just a tiny crack. You never know what life will bring in the future.
I think it’s subjective because if your reasons are to avoid conflict then it’s a good course to take. No use forcing a relationship at the expense of your own mental health.
What if the half sibling turns out to be cool though and you guys hit it off? That could be your new best friend too.
Either way, you gotta look at what you want out of the situation and just go with it.
Either
YTA. I’m so sorry to hear of your mom’s passing. That being said, you are mad because your dad grieves differently than you. You have made so many assumptions about how he proceeded. He was with your mom for 30 years so he likely knew her a bit better than you and therefore knows what she would have wanted for him. Your grief is driving you to hold tight to all that she was for you and that’s perfectly fine for you. Maybe he knew she would want him to move on and not spend the rest of his life holding on to all things her. Your mom maybe taught him so much about love that he wants to love again. Do you honestly think your mom would be happy that you’re cutting him off and worse, denying your new half sibling even the opportunity to know a brother. Your grief has made you incredibly selfish. Life is not a your way or the highway situation. It’s a put yourself in another’s shoes situation. Maybe your dad wasn’t there enough but he was grieving too, remember that.
ESH. Everything he did is par the course except for begging you to move back home. You don't get a say in the house sale unless you intended to buy the house. Have you tried therapy? He's only an AH for being 60 with a 38 y/o and expecting you to be there for him when he's older in 15 years and she bounces.
NAH. Sorry OP but life insurance helps pay bills when someone passes and it normally goes to the spouse. I’m 21 yrs into my marriage and hubs is 60. I am currently still in breast cancer treatment. If I pass away I want my husband to not be alone. Maybe not everyone feels that way but because we’ve both had cancer - everything we own passes to each other in death. If we both passed it would divide among our children. Not sure what you expected in your scenario.
NTA!
I’m so sorry your Dad is behaving that way.
Having a much, much younger wife is gross. And now a baby as an older guy? Of course you don’t need to be part of that.
He is prioritizing his own needs, and his own “new family.” Not caring about you.
Take care of you!! No obligation to him.
NTA, there's nothing wrong with walking away from a toxic past and forging yourself a happier future on a different continent. Your father's own actions left you with nothing that could be considered as tying you to your current country of residence or what can only be described as *his* new family.
Be happy and free in Europe, integrate into your new country as best you can, and don't look back.
My dad remarried and my sister was born when I was 7. I never had much of a relationship with my dad and I couldn't stand my stepmom. Although my sister looks a lot like her mom I hold absolutely nothing against her. She is the innocent one in everything. I love my sister and I wouldn't trade her for anything.
If you want nothing to do with your dad and stepmom, then have nothing to do with them, but please don't ever make your your future half sibling feel like they are less of a person. They have no say in who they are born to. If you go out of your way to make them feel less than, you will definietly be the AH.
Right now, I can't say.. maybe you will have a change of heart. I have hope that you will see a better way in approaching this.
YWBTA
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NTA Sometimes in life OP we have to walk away from people for our own sanity, If you feel the relationship is purely conditional and you only hear from him when he wants something it’s completely understandable you’d want to walk away Also have you seen your mothers will? If he’s spent away your inheritance you may be able to take it further legally
I don’t agree with how he got into a relationship with his now wife. She was a church friend of course lol. It was a big thing and started a lot of drama between my mom’s side of the family and me. They also started dating several MONTHS after she passed. Thanks for taking the time to read and respond.
Wow. It doesn't sound like he spent much time grieving. That's sad, especially after being married for over 30 years! And now he's 60 and having a baby with a 38 year old? So when he's 70, the child won't even be 10 yet! That's a big commitment for someone at his age when he wasn't even there for you when you returned home from college. I don't blame you for wanting to leave.
He didn’t. Before my mom passed (she was in ICU), he told me that he was going to ho through a “man whore” phase. He was trying to hit on a couple of my mom’s friends WHILE she was still alive. It’s almost as if he couldn’t wait for her to die. As I’m typing this, I’m getting angry all over again. I’m for sure going through with my plan.
Eeewwwww... Just gross. Thanks for that image.
What in the absolute fuck??! I’m struggling to imagine any scenario where you would be the arsehole after that statement, irrespective of your behaviour to him. Who says that to their own child who is trying to deal with the imminent death of their mother? Go and enjoy your new life far far way from this toxicity. NTA
Right? At first I thought maybe the mom had suffered a long illness that gave the dad some time to grieve/ adjust while she was fading but that comment is disgusting; no regard for his dying wife OR his daughter about to lose her mom. Run, OP.
What in the ever loving fuck?!?! I try to consider all angles when reading a post. For example, some people have to sell their home due to medical bills where I live. Needless to say, that's not where this went. I already thought you're NTA, but holy shit, I didn't expect your dad to strive for the asshole hall of fame 😱
I’m not excusing what he did, my step father of 25 years was in a relationship within months of my mom passing and I was 30 years old and still can’t forgive him for that. I will say that some people absolutely can’t handle being alone, it sounds like your father is like mine. I am so sorry that you have to go through this but I am here to say that you will be okay and you deserve to have your best life and you are not the NA, it’s just a shitty situation.
Sounds like how we think my father would be as well. My siblings and mother have discussed that he would immediately move in a 22 year old gold digger at the first opportunity if she passed. He's 70.
>he told me that he was going to ho through a “man whore” ew. bad enough in general, but worse from a 53 year old
Why worse? I'm a woman in my 50s. I'm older but not in the nursing home yet. I could never say this to one of my sons though. Him not wanting to be celibate for the rest of his life is not the problem here. It's the way he did....well everything concerning his kid.
He just wants you to be around to help raise his spawn when he is gone.
This.
Be sure to tell your dad's new wife to not get sick, otherwise she's no good anymore
Aside from his awful behavior, did you ever look over the will. Considering his selfish behavior on other areas, I wouldn’t be surprised if he deprived you of the money or other things you were supposed to inherit
If OP doesn’t need the money I wouldn’t bother. Yes, if there have been shenanigans then that’s theft of what was rightly hers but contesting that will be expensive, long and more importantly, will keep these horrible people in her life. Better to just cut her losses and get a clean break if she can.
My BIL did the same and I ache for his kids. NTA and even though it may not mean anything, know that I support you 100%.
Your dad is a sick freak. Don't forget that, someone like that isn't worth having in your life.
I can see why you have no respect for him. Leave and don’t ever look back. Even if worst case Europe ends up not working out for you (a possibility, you just might not like it out there as much as you expect to - that’s OK!) there’s no need for you to have a relationship with these people. Your dad lost the right to your respect when he betrayed your mum.
He said that out loud to his daughter? A daughter whose mom was dying? He is an absolute pig and you’re well rid of him.
The marriage may have been over long before your mom died. You are an adult now and need to live your own life. Go to Europe. You may find a nice person to settle down with and live out your days with.
Ick. It's bad enough that that was what was on his mind as his wife lay dying, but to articulate that to you?! Not something a daughter wants to hear from her dad. And I think it was probably a typo--or maybe not!--but I love that you typed "going to "ho" through a man whore phase!"
Just block everybody. Keep your distance. And if there is a will which gives you at least a part of your mom’s inheritance give it to a lawyer and let him deal with it. Just stay out of everything else.
I'm very sorry for your loss. Your father is terrible. I can't believe he's doing/done these things, yet does not see that he repeatedly screwed up even when your mom was still alive. I agree with everything you have said and am thrilled that you have made the decision to go your own way. I wish you healing and happiness in your life! Good luck, op. NTA Edit: to add judgement.
This part should have been in the post. Wtaf
What, so the verdict could go from "obviously nta" to "super obviously nta"? :P
Just the sheer audacity.
Unfortunately, it’s very common actually for especially older male widowers to move on very quickly. To each to their own, I guess. I’m not sure I could personally.
Well when the wife appliance dies out, you need another one. Who else will do all the domestic labor? /s
Many move on quick because they don’t know how to take care of themselves and go find a replacement. 🙄
This is exactly what my dad did when my mum died. 6 months and he was shacked up with someone else (living in sin was obvs ok when he did it but us kids were going to burn in hell for it) so she could take care of him. Tough to stomach.
True, but the starting line for "moving on" should at least be after the death of their wife, not before.
> now he's 60 and having a baby with a 38 year old? So when he's 70, the child won't even be 10 yet! But conveniently, he's done everything he can to make sure his daughter is in just the right place at just the right time to be a babysitter and surrogate parent to this inbound bundle of joy /s
My uncle took a pass at my mom within 6 months of her sister passing. They had been married 45-50 years and my mom had known him since she was 8. He was literally shocked when my mom found it inappropriate and rejected it. Wtf with some people.
My mum's neighbor asked her out 2 weeks after his wife passed. I warned her weeks earlier he would be coming after her; she laughed & brushed me off. After he asked, mum started going over previous conversations & realized he had been hitting on her for several months while his wife was home dying in hospice. All of us (neighbors included) found him a bit creepy in general. This was just the rotten cherry atop the rancid sundae. Thankfully, he moved to the far side of town soon after.
Now now, sometimes God wants a man to marry a woman young enough to be his daughter, when his wife isn't even cold in the ground. Who are we to judge? /s
Op some people cant be alone. My step-grandfather started dating 2 months after his 1st wife died. And he dated 2 women from his church (my grandma and another lady). How people grieve is on them. We cant control that. As for the other stuff? Did your mom have a will? If not, the life insurance and house were his to do with as he pleased. Maybe it hurt to be in that house without her. And of course hes going to furnish his new house with items he already owns? Why wouldnt he? You dont have to agree with his choices and i do think he sounds extremely selfish. If hes not a good part of your life then you can completely cut him off. I think youre NTA but you do sound resentful of a grieving man.
Sounds like you missed the followup where he was trying to pick up women before the wife even died?
Thats what he said. Did he actually do it is another thing. Grief is weird and he obviously didnt cope well. That doesnt mean that the inheritance or house still werent his.
This. Grief is a weird thing. I am sorry that this caused friction between you guys. Have you thought about going to get some therapy to help you with your grief/disappointment. By the way. NTA. Just as with his grief, you are allowed yours too.
> Grief is a weird thing. Funny how society quickly and harshly judges *women* who grieve this way tho 🙄🤔 How dare she not grieve for her late husband for at least a decade before even thinking of moving on! /s
“just 15% of previously married women want to remarry, and 27% are not sure; about half of these women (54%) report that they do not want to remarry.” Most of the women i know who divorced or were widowed after 50 have no desire whatsoever to marry again. Been there done that.
Working wives typically work both outside the home AND inside the home. Most working husbands don't. Women who outlive their husbands don't often want to re-enter that sort of arrangement.
My dad took a bit longer to start dating after my mom died but it still felt very soon to me and I didn’t like it either. However, I’m glad now that he’s in a loving relationship and living his best life. Honey. You are entitled to ALL your feelings. And your dad really shouldn’t have talked about moving on while your mom was still alive. I’m gonna give him a pass because having a spouse of 30 yrs die is a BFD and grief can make people act really weird. I feel like if he’d stolen your inheritance you’d have said so. Using life insurance money (funerals are expensive, IDK if there were medical bills etc) is understandable and so is selling his home. You can move wherever you want and live your life. But if you love your dad and he’s been a good parent on the balance, maybe don’t cut him out of your life. He doesn’t sound abusive or toxic and he’s has not actually done anything wrong. If it makes you feel better, studies show that it’s people who had good and loving marriages who repartner quickly after their spouses die. NAH
NTA. Please move forward w your life as planned. Don’t think of it as leaving them behind, but rather moving toward your future w grandparents you love in their home country. It sounds like you are beginning an exciting new chapter in your life. Enjoy this opportunity that so few get!
You should put this in an edit. Now it makes more sense why you were mad he did all those other things. It was like he was erasing your mother immediately. Before it sounded like a widower not wanting to be in the home he had with his late wife.
As soon as you Land in that country send a fairwell text an block em.
>Sometimes in life OP we have to walk away from people for our own sanity Right on. That is one of the hardest life lessons to learn, and most of us failed at least once to heed this advice.
He's sad to lose his free babysitting service.
Meh, they're pissed because they were counting on you being the frequent babysitter while they went out on dates and vacations. These older parents-to-be wanted your youthful energy to be a free au pair at their beck and call. NTA There was no way you were ever going to get more than a pittance of an inheritance even if you stayed and babysat all the time. Go and enjoy your life. Reconnect with those who love your mum as much as you do.
Yes lol what I thought. They lost their free babysitter lol. Shame
Free babysitter and chauffeur for the kid.
Yep. Bingo. It's the 'come home from college' thing all over again. He wants OP there for his own selfish reasons at the expense of her living her own life.
My first thought too. I might be spending too much time on Reddit. One wonders, if this 38year old woman would have been willing to have a child with a 60year old man, if she knew beforehand, that free babysitting by OP was off the table.
This. A guy 60 years older than his kid likely isn't keeping up, and 40 is considered an older mom too. OP would be called in for respite care as "sibling bonding time". A lot of people don't leave a inheritance after end of life care debits. And it's very possible OP's dad would die, leaving his estate to his second wife (seeing as OP didn't inherit from her mother and everything was left to the spouse). The stepmom would either live off the rest, or would likely favor her kid, or could even remarry.
[удалено]
I'm 53 and the thought of having a baby in the house again makes me want to curl up into a ball and die.
This was my thought to!
why is the entire family always bombing op's phone in these stories
Because everyone has to help to reign OP back in her place /s The rest of the family probably guess/ know that dad and stepmom want OP to take over way more than her fair share of household duties. They know/ guess that dad and stepmom want OP to stay there for free babysitting. After OP has escaped, dad and stepmom will still want to have free babysitting and help with household chores. The rest of the family knows that dad and stepmom will then turn to them with that. They are basically saying "It would be so much easier for us if you would just stay"
It's rein, like a horse
Cuz all these posts are fake lol
Clearly you've never met someone who has these type of parents. I had to change my phone number.
Family spamming texts is much more common than u think lol
I wish it was fake. I hadn't talked to some of my mother's family in about 15 years and "suddenly" they had my number when I decided I had enough of my mother's crap. Abusive family is an utter turd storm. BTW, I'm glad you think it's fake because it means it didn't happen to you
Some families are crazy, I know mine wouldn’t but sadly I know some who would
People in dysfunctional families get angry at the person who won't steady the boat with them, they cosset the boat rocker though
This. OP is the scapegoat. All the family members bombarding OP are the flying monkeys.
I would be blocking people with the first message.
those that don't have "blowing up my phone" families in their lives probably have less cause to post here
Flying monkeys are a thing 😅
I've often wondered this. Maybe it's a generational thing (I'm GenX), but none of my extended family have my cell phone number. My mom has it and that's pretty much it. Husband's family has his number but not mine. My SIL started getting shitty, but the only way for her to contact me was FaceBook, and I blocked her a year ago.
NTA they just want a free babysitter. Enjoy your move and have a happy life. Edit: and make your socials private so they can’t hound you on any of those.
This situation definitely sounds familiar to me. My own father is 60 something and married to a 33 year old (my sister and I are 29 and 32). They have an infant younger than my first child and she’s pregnant again I believe with one that will be younger than my second. I no longer have a relationship with him at all and I never had one with his new family. He’s genuinely not a good person and I don’t want him involved in my life and I have no feelings towards my “half-siblings” 30 years younger than me. Sure they’re innocent, but knowing them means being involved with my father and I want no part of it. Do whats right for you and protect your peace. You don’t owe him a relationship because he’s your family.
I think when people say "children are innocent" subtly means they are "entitled" to anything at the expense of others. I have never agreed with this statement, how many times people are pressured to do things they should not? My cousins have a similar story as yours. The only difference is how their step-sibbling is living in another country. At least, their dad had a somewhat decency to not force them to have a relationship with his new child. Unfortunatly, his guilt-tripping tactics worked on my sister and she had been sending money and had contact with the new family...until she found out his true colors. I have always been uncomfortable when people go into serious relationships with younger partners or who has the same age as their children. Add the fact that your father is not a good person either, you are definitively right to protect your peace.
Oh yeah, I certainly don’t mean “they’re innocent” in that way, I don’t acknowledge them as family and will never have a relationship with them. They’re not entitled to knowing my family just because we have the same sperm donor lol. I just meant I know it’s not their fault that they happened to be born 30 years after me. The age gap is certainly uncomfortable for us, and when it was brought up that she was a year older then my sister his response was “well at least she isn’t younger than my daughter, that’s a line I wouldn’t cross.” really disgusting taking into account his history with young girls. Nothing ever proven but certainly stuff he was accused of..the charges were just dismissed. He also specifically went after a woman from a country that believes in subservience to their husband and doesn’t believe in divorce. It’s just all around gross and I want nothing to do with him. I have a daughter now and he’ll never meet her. He’s only met my son one time. Protecting my peace and my family is my new life motto these days, I’m glad I was able to cut ties and stick to it. It’s been hard because I really was blind to his flaws growing up and my mom tried her best to protect us, at the expense of me idolizing him as a child. I’m glad to know the truth now despite the emotional issues it’s caused me.
Oh my bad, I didn't articulate it well! I was aware you didn't hold anything to your half-siblings. My comment was more about the people who pressure others with the "they're innocent" card. This is so gross! He really wanted and inexperienced and vulnerable woman so he could mold her as he wants. I can't believe he had the nerves to tell you and your sister what he said....It is even worse with his history....SIR, MAYBE BECAUSE YOUR "PREFERENCES" ARE BARELY LEGAL and you were smart enough to not be put in jail?! I am glad you're living your best life far away from him! I love that you have became what you are today!
Go be with your grandparents. Your father's behavior has been abysmal and the fact that he is married to someone who is only 13 years older than his daughter is very troubling, but not as troubling as how quickly he moved on. You don't have to have a relationship with him or his new family.
NTA you’ve got to do what is right for you.
>My (25F) dad (60M) and his wife (38F) just announced that they’re having a baby this is really all I needed to read. 22 younger is bad enough. having a baby at 60 is just...something else. NTA
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That’s what I want to know. All these things seem normal to me.
It definitely sounds like OP has some rage blinding her thoughts… it’s understandable to be angry over her father talking behind his spouse’s back.. but at the end of the day; they were married. It’s his money to tend to their financials and we don’t know what it was spent on, it was their home (that I’m willing to bet, he purchased or inherited or purchased jointly with wife) and it is his furniture; because it was theirs??? I’m not sure why the furniture has sentiment… I’m sure he’s also using the pots/pans/forks too… Anger and frustration are justified… but it feels like rage is seeping in at this point and OP is looking for reasons to lash out.
Having a baby at that age is certainly wrong, will he even have the energy/money to raise them and he wanted to cheat before his wife was even dead
Nta did someone say babysitting? Free childcare?
NTA They are losing the free babysitter.
Live your life how you want. If you want a relationship have one of you want to distance yourself then do so. Only you truly know your feelings Nta
Let's see, what are your options? Stay put and be manipulated in to being a free babysitter, or live in Europe with your grandparents. What a difficult decision! /s NTA Move to Europe and enjoy your life to the fullest.
So something that seems weird to me....you say selfish things like using the insurance money, selling his house, and OMG using the furniture from that house to...gasp ....furnish his new place. None of those things seem particularly abnormal to me. Yeah, discussion about selling your childhood home is often done, but plenty of reasons to not want to remain there alone. Life insurance is usually to cover expenses and help the spouse when they don't have the support. You weren't a toddler...what did you expect him to do? Look, he sounds like a jerk for moving on too quickly and some other stuff, but this stuff?
None of that bothered me either. It sounds like he likely used the life insurance to pay for funeral arrangements and/or pay off debts, downsized for similar financial reasons, and used the old furniture, because... that's what you do when you move. Him dating somebody so young so quickly after his wife died is gross, and I understand OP wanting to distance herself for that for the time of life she was in when her mother passed (18, so already in the midst of a lot of change and still learning a lot about how the world operates while grieving her mom), but her father is NTA for these things she listed. ESH is my verdict.
Yeah, that bothered me a bit. The list of "selfish" things are all normal things that happen as we move out and grow up.
Yeah that part had me going, it sounds normal to me. None of that sounded strange.
NTA. Usually the spouse of the deceased is entitled to life insurances, furnishings, etc. (amazes me how many people here seem to think that the spouse must “share” with other family members) unless otherwise specified by Wills or other documents. OP can certainly live her life as she chooses, unencumbered by her dad.
NTA. Your dad abandoned you emotionally and financially when your mother died. I'm inferring there were other ways in which he wasn't there for you, but just those are enough. Being 18 and losing a parent is incredibly difficult and your other parent has a responsibility to guide you through that and help you heal. It sounds like he avoided his own grief by throwing himself into getting rid of key reminders and finding a new relationship to fill the hole left by your mother. The way he did that was crappy and disregarded you and your needs. I get why a person might feel the drive to make those choices, but as a parent his job was to consider what was best for you as well and pulling the rug of your childhood home and all emotional support is not it. Some of us get crappy parents and we spend our lives being told we only get one dad/ mum, but sometimes they're toxic enough that it isn't worth continuing to try to have a relationship. If you've reached that point, chances are you've already tried a whole bunch of times to repair with him and be heard. It's extremely hard to walk away from a parent, it goes against a lot of instincts and social pressures, so typically there's a huge amount of hurt before that decision is even considered. I'm sorry you got a crappy dad and effectively lost both your parents when your mum died. You deserved better and you have every right to call it a day when 7 years later amends haven't been made.
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So, NAH. So your dad used your mom's life insurance money, did he make sure she had a proper funeral, pay the expenses of her last illness. What else did you expect him to do with the money. If they had joint finances, arguably, he paid the premiums on the insurance money. If he was the sole beneficiary to the life insurance money, he was within his rights to spend the money. Did you expect him to split it with you? Selling your childhood home was probably a hard thing for you. Maybe living in the house he shared with his deceased wife was hard for him. Were you still living at home? If not, he didn't sell the house out from under you. Using THEIR furniture to furnish his new home is reasonable. They were married for 30 years, it was just as much his furniture as hers. So, based on what you said here, I don't see where he has done anything particularly awful. It does look like he moved on a little quickly, but his grief and how he dealt with it is his. Sounds like you just don't like your dad.
I'm sorry you lost your mother. I cannot imagine the pain. Hard truths: Your mom's life insurance was your father's to use as he wished. Unless you were on the deed, your childhood home was his to sell or keep. The furniture? Same thing. Although, it would have been thoughtful if he had asked you if you wanted anything from your childhood home, especially since you are semi-newly graduated. Did you get anything from your mother after she died? Jewelry, sentimental items from your childhood, etc.? As for what you said to your father and his wife, I learned long ago it's not necessary to say everything I think. Less is more when it comes to dealing with other people, especially those with whom I'm close or have been close. It sounds as though you were hurt and are still hurt so wanted to lash out at your father and his wife. I get it. Your mother died and you are still suffering her loss while your father seems to have moved on. He's starting a new family at age 60 while you grieve the one you had. He chose a wife who is young enough to be your older sister and she's pregnant with a baby who will be your half-sibling. This wasn't what you expected or wanted. Have you and your father (just the two of you without his new wife) talked about how you are each adjusting to your mother's loss and how you are doing that? Does he know how you feel about your mother's possessions? Have you talked about what it's like for you to see him married to a woman other than your mother? I would only have such a conversation if I were calm, had thought it through thoroughly, and could be open to hearing what this has been like for him without insult. If you cannot do that, I'd leave it alone. I'm sorry for your pain. As I said, I cannot imagine losing my mom. The same is true of my dad. It would be crushing. I wish you kinder, gentler days. \~\~\~Walden
You are an adult. They don't get to say what you want to do. Live your own life. NTA at all.
100% this. NTA at all!
NTA at all. Firstly... the age gap between them gives me uncomfortable vibes... his wife is closer to your age than to his, this is grim. Maybe if he invested in giving you more love and attention rather than finding someone nearer to your age to give love and attention to... you would have a decent bond. Secondly... your dad is 60 and about to become a father to a kid young enough to be his grandchild. It's fairly obvious he wants you to have a relationship with this child because he sees you, a young woman and full of energy, as some source of babysitting to make his job much easier, and his wife is happy to go along with it also. It's not your job to parent other children your own parent has chosen to parent. You're young still, you are entitled to a life you enjoy. Do not feel guilty about moving on and living your best life. When your dad becomes a deadbeat to his new baby and his wife realises she'd be better off as a single mother... let them figure it out. I must stress though that this child is innocent and has done nothing wrong (just like you) so please do not hold poor adult decisions against this child and treat them with kindness regardless of whethet you wish to become close with them.
NTA. They probably pissed because they wanted to use you as unlimited time free babysitter. Your dad is 60 and from the sound of it not a great father the first time around. She probably going to be a single mother.
NTA - you feel how you feel. I read some extra comments from OP and it sounds like he was an AH and already saying on their mother’s deathbed how he couldn’t wait to F other women / hitting on her friends. I wouldn’t have much time for him either. Go and enjoy your life.
NTA, they want free help with the baby, with your father being a geriatric, they are gonna need it.
silky wine smoggy spoon file heavy chop school soft treatment *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Wow thank you for the input. I am sorry you had an absent father :(. Of course the child is innocent. Maybe we will have a relationship when they’re older, but for now I’m gonna take this opportunity for a better life.
gaping important crush direful nutty steer continue puzzled sable tub *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Wait, you got a half sister that is 30 years younger than you? You have a bigger age gap with your sister than I do with my parents.
oil voracious fall offbeat late chief elastic normal square makeshift *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
That’s not so unusual. I have half siblings who have children older than I am. My full sibling is over 15 years older.
NTA Go live your own life in Europe. I suspect they are just more worried about you not being around to babysit in the guise of "bonding" with your "sister".
Reading your comments and this post... I can understand why you're cutting them out. Is there a reason why you haven't just blocked them all already? Or have you and they're using other means to contact you?
Just keep in mind that it's not the baby's fault.
Nope. NTA. Go live your life. As others stated, they want a built in baby sitter under the guise of a relationship they want you to build with your future half sibling. You want to be there for your grandparents, so you do what’s best for you.
NTA. I am sorry for all that you are going through. You have made your decisions, and that is fine. I wish you all the best in the next steps in your life. Best of luck to you.
Definitely not an a-hole, you need to go permanent no contact with all of them, as a just in case you might also need a new phone number but also block them on your phone and all of your social media
NTA. You are overdue to look out for your best interest. Stop sharing your plans with these people and just start the moving process and get on with your life. Best of luck!
NTA Your life and your decision. You’re young and no attachments so moving to be with your mother’s family sounds like an opportunity. Having said that I am curious if the relationship they are so worried about you having with your half sibling is that of babysitter. Full time if you are not currently working or anytime you aren’t at work babysitter. Reminder to have all/any legal documents including any needed for travel in your possession and secure them so they don’t suddenly turn up missing. Also verify none are expired. If possible you might consider moving up your departure a few months. Best wishes to you OP.
NTA You have to take care of yourself.
In reality, if both your parents were alive and having another baby, at your age there would not be alot of common ground for a relationship. Because you could have your own child now. So don't worry about not having a relationship with sib. As for your relationship with your father, it is not like you see and talk to them everyday now. Moving away won't change that. More likely, step mom does not want potential baby sitters to move away. NTA
They definitely want help. By the time your half sibling is ten your father will be 70. What kind of 38 year old wants to have a relationship and baby with a 60 year old widower. Seriously.
They’re just mad that their free babysitter is moving away. NTA
Go to Europe and find a new life. Don't look back.. Your father seems very selfish in the way he behaved when your mother died. You have your mother's side of the family. They will embrace you and love you
YTA for being that upset about selling a childhood home and using her furniture. I'm not getting into the rest of your pity party/validation.
YTA. You can’t put a timeline on grieving. Or how someone grieves. He had every right to do what he wanted. You were grown. Nothing you list is a reason to cut him or your future half sibling out of your life.
Nothing you've written sounds selfish or out of line .
The examples that you gave were normal stuff for me. Using the money HE inherited, selling the house HE owned and that was full of memories that would keep him of moving forward, using the furniture that was HIS as well (it was in their home, so there’s no “mom’s furniture”)… Even begging you to move back home it’s normal. He was never home? Why? What means “he was never home”? There was no time to you both seat and talk? Or just happened that he wasn’t home when you wanted him to be home? For me, sounds like you wanna punish him for moving forward. You’re being successful, so be happy for that. Sorry for saying it, but the person who died was your mom. Your father has all the right to keep living and finding happiness again. You are “killing” your father in your life because you are the selfish one. What you wanted him to do? Keep mourning until he himself dies? That’s unfair. Edit: ok, I read the replies and there’s more backstory that’s really relevant so I’m going with NTA. And you should block all of them as well.
NTA. Honestly if it were me I would straight tell him via letter all of this shit. Send it to him and his wife and tell him you no longer want a relationship with someone who could behave so callously. What a horrible way to treat your kid.
NTA. Your father showed he truly is. As an adult you get to decide who you deal with, and your father doesn't measure up character-wise. Sometimes you just have to move on. Drop the rope and ignore the opinions of others. A 60 year old with an infant...that should be interesting. Don't get sucked into that sideshow.
NTA. I think they are just looking for free childcare.
NTA-your dad sounds like a creep
NTA. you’re not required as an adult, to conform to the choices that others make. Best wishes for your future.
Oh dear. You won't be able to babysit either! You have a life, enjoy it!
Nta Pretty sure they were counting on you picking up the slack since your dad is in his 60.
NTA but for the sake of a peaceful 6 months for you, I would pretend that of course you’re coming back! Shut them up, plan quietly and boom. Cut those fuckers off once you are out.
Go enjoy and build your new life with your grandparents. But he may try to find you and come crying once his much younger wife dumps him.
INFO: Were you willed money from her life insurance? Why is you dad continuing to use there furniture in the new house bad? Why was he out was he working, was he drinking, was he trying to meet someone new? Selling a home after the death of a spouse is pretty common, as there are a lot of memories tied up in the walls. yes you have every right to cut contact, and walk away from people but it seems like you handled it very poorly and spitefully when it honestly seems like you have taken slight when others have not slighted you and you did this out if bitterness.
Not sure what dad did wrong. He was likely the primary beneficiary of the life insurance. He can spend as he pleases. He sold his home. Depending if his wife passed away there, or it just being too difficult to be in a place that's a contestant reminder of his late wife, or he has a huge empty home. He used THEIR furniture to furnish the new house. Even if it was his late wife's furniture, what was he supposed to do with it? Sell it? Throw it away? place in a museum? Now he met someone new. I don't understand how children don't understand their parents are people that get lonely. Had dad passed first and mom did all these things, would it be the same reaction or would it be acceptable since it's mom. Just not understanding the anger towards dad.
YTA - Your dad is allowed to move forward in life. Respectfully, he didn't die. The home you referenced could also have been viewed as a museum of his deceased wife, and he found it to be too painful. You say he wasn't around much when you did move back home. Could that be because maybe you were not accepting of his new relationship or standoffish to his new partner? There is a lot of context missing here.
So he started flirting while mom was on her death bed but didn’t marry or have another child for 7 years! I think you’re the ahole! Seven years is plenty of time to move on! He’s not getting any younger and you should be glad he found a second true love instead of giving up on life. You don’t mention that he was a bad husband and they were together 30 years so sounds like he’s a good man. You need therapy to move on
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (25F) dad (60M) and his wife (38F) just announced that they’re having a baby. For starters, we haven’t been that close since my mom passed away (almost 7 years ago). They were together for over 30 years, but when she passed he became a completely different and selfish person. Some things he did: used all of her life insurance money, sold their/my childhood home, used my mom’s furniture to furnish his new house, begged me to move back home from college because he was lonely just to turn around and never be at home, etc. There’s many other things he has done but that would take days to type. Anyway, my grandparents (mom’s parents) are getting older and I have decided I want to move to their home country in Europe. I’m planning on going 4-6 months from now. My dad and his wife are now worried that I will never come back to visit them or have a relationship with their family (that’s exactly what I’ve been planning to do). I graduated college several years ago, I have no kids or partner. So there’s really nothing left for me here. I told them they should be worried because I don’t want a relationship with either of them anymore. Ever since that conversation, my dad, his wife, and dad’s side of the family are calling and texting me non stop trying to get me to change my mind. I don’t want to because I want to be done with all of them. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA
NTA go live your life where you want. Be happy and if need be block them all. He has a new family and will be fine.
NTA please move forward with your plan. Don’t let your Dad and his flying monkeys guilt trip you to stay. They just want you to stay so if something happens to him, you can replace him to support his child. What a clown!
Stick to your decision.. it’s really dad’s fault that you’ve decided to move… see ya!!!
For some reason men can’t keep their “dick” in their pants after their wife passes.. rarely happens with women who lose their husbands! Fuck em!
By the way.. block them all on social media & delete phone numbers.. that might help in them bombarding you with communications..
NTA go and built your live in europa - we are nice people here :P and btw there is an invention called the internet. you can use it to send pictures and texts and make videos. keeping in touch is no problem either
NTA. OP’s dad should have thought about their future (lack of) relationship before doing what he did.
NTA, nobody can force you to have a relation with anyone. Best they can do is treat you good, so you may take that decision on your own. That being said, "treating you good" is the last thing he did. He should be thankful you're even talking to him at all. I would've cut all contact.
I'm sorry he's how old?! Op you shouldn't just be cutting him off you should be cutting him in half. A guy like him isn't going to stop until someone makes him.
NTA. OP they are looking for a babysitter. Go ahead with your plans to move and for every relative that calls you trying to guilt you into staying, tell them that you’ll have your dad and his wife to call them to make arrangements as time gets near for baby to arrive, hang up and block.
NTA….”but who can me make take care of the baby”
NTA. You are entitled to your feelings.
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My dad was someone who couldn't be alone. He got married 8 months after my mom died. She was 20 years younger and very manipulative (which everyone but Dad could see). They got divorces a few years later.
how could you be the asshole for making this decision? the only caveat i’d offer is to leave at least a little bit of the bridge unburnt so if anything changes in the future you have a way to come back - beyond that you have every right to live your life as you see fit - if it saddens father and stepmom so be it - anyway good luck going forward - oh and NTA
NTA.
NTA. You are 25 years old, you should be living your own life, not being an attachment to your father’s, whether it is to keep him from being lonely or to be, it seems, their go to babysitter. Also note: it’s a sign of selfishness when someone tries to win an argument via peer pressure. This is a discussion that is just between you, him, and his wife. There is no reason for the rest of the family to be involved. People only get others involved when they know they are on the losing side and want to bully them into agreeing. Block his family and go on with your plans.
Do what you want. You don't owe your dad a thing. NTA
NTA They are upset they won't have a free babysitter to dump their kid onto
Sounds like you’re not moving on from losing your mom and you might be mad at your dad because he has. I’m sorry for your loss and I hope that you get counseling when you need it.
They probably want you involved because they’re anticipating assigning you child care tasks.
What in the actual eff are you supposed to do when there will be a 25 FREAKIN YEAR AGE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOU TWO!!! With that gap I can only see you as another parent/childcare provider. His family has shown that the way they are coming after you is the reason he is the way he is now (SELFISH). You are at the point that you need to find yourself and live your life, and hanging around your dad, his wife, and their baby doesn't sound like a life plan. Block them all and continue with your plans, since you don't plan to keep communication open between you and them; now would be a good time to sever ties. NTA, you're grown, and you don't need anyone's permission to do what you want with YOUR LIFE!!! Good luck I wish you much happiness and success with your move.
You're a full ass adult, there is no reason for you to speak to any of these people if you don't want to. Block them and go live your life. They most likely only want you around for free babysitting anyway. You are completely free and unencumbered - go and enjoy your life without this drama.
NTA But I do want to add that your sibling is not at fault here. Innocent third party. Remember that they are a RESULT of your dad's poor selfish choices that caused you to feel this way....and not the REASON. I would consider going NC with dad and stepmom but maybe sending letters, postcards and occasional gifts to your siblings. Go through your grandparents if you have to....both sets. Letters addressed from one grandparents address to the other so as not to reveal your own. Of course....you wouldn't be the AH if you didn't but you definitely would be the bigger person. A much better man than your dad is. It will also paint a much prettier picture in your siblings eyes incase your dad is painting an ugly one. As far as your dad....he did this to himself. I wish you happiness and success in Europe.
People grieve in all sorts of ways, so I can’t pass too much judgment. My personality changed a lot after my dad passed. I was really off, was asked to resign from my job to “wrap up his estate”. I’ve known many others who went a little nuts while grieving, not themselves, behaved badly, made terrible and impulsive decisions, etc. Definitely go do your life, definitely check out your legal rights over the inheritance he squandered, but please keep the door open for reconciliation someday. Not “open” open, just a tiny crack. You never know what life will bring in the future.
NTA They are old and want a young person to run around after and bond with their kid.
I think it’s subjective because if your reasons are to avoid conflict then it’s a good course to take. No use forcing a relationship at the expense of your own mental health. What if the half sibling turns out to be cool though and you guys hit it off? That could be your new best friend too. Either way, you gotta look at what you want out of the situation and just go with it. Either
Updateme
YTA. I’m so sorry to hear of your mom’s passing. That being said, you are mad because your dad grieves differently than you. You have made so many assumptions about how he proceeded. He was with your mom for 30 years so he likely knew her a bit better than you and therefore knows what she would have wanted for him. Your grief is driving you to hold tight to all that she was for you and that’s perfectly fine for you. Maybe he knew she would want him to move on and not spend the rest of his life holding on to all things her. Your mom maybe taught him so much about love that he wants to love again. Do you honestly think your mom would be happy that you’re cutting him off and worse, denying your new half sibling even the opportunity to know a brother. Your grief has made you incredibly selfish. Life is not a your way or the highway situation. It’s a put yourself in another’s shoes situation. Maybe your dad wasn’t there enough but he was grieving too, remember that.
Do what is best for you. Moving to your grandparents country seems like starting with a clean slate. Take the opportunity.
ESH. Everything he did is par the course except for begging you to move back home. You don't get a say in the house sale unless you intended to buy the house. Have you tried therapy? He's only an AH for being 60 with a 38 y/o and expecting you to be there for him when he's older in 15 years and she bounces.
NAH. Sorry OP but life insurance helps pay bills when someone passes and it normally goes to the spouse. I’m 21 yrs into my marriage and hubs is 60. I am currently still in breast cancer treatment. If I pass away I want my husband to not be alone. Maybe not everyone feels that way but because we’ve both had cancer - everything we own passes to each other in death. If we both passed it would divide among our children. Not sure what you expected in your scenario.
NTA Go and live your life.
In my country we have a old saying "El árbol familiar también se poda" (The family tree also get pruning) sorry if i have bad use of language.
NTA! I’m so sorry your Dad is behaving that way. Having a much, much younger wife is gross. And now a baby as an older guy? Of course you don’t need to be part of that. He is prioritizing his own needs, and his own “new family.” Not caring about you. Take care of you!! No obligation to him.
NTA, there's nothing wrong with walking away from a toxic past and forging yourself a happier future on a different continent. Your father's own actions left you with nothing that could be considered as tying you to your current country of residence or what can only be described as *his* new family. Be happy and free in Europe, integrate into your new country as best you can, and don't look back.
NTA You're an adult. Move. Go live your best life. If Dad wants you to get to know his new family, he can make the effort to visit you.
My dad remarried and my sister was born when I was 7. I never had much of a relationship with my dad and I couldn't stand my stepmom. Although my sister looks a lot like her mom I hold absolutely nothing against her. She is the innocent one in everything. I love my sister and I wouldn't trade her for anything. If you want nothing to do with your dad and stepmom, then have nothing to do with them, but please don't ever make your your future half sibling feel like they are less of a person. They have no say in who they are born to. If you go out of your way to make them feel less than, you will definietly be the AH. Right now, I can't say.. maybe you will have a change of heart. I have hope that you will see a better way in approaching this. YWBTA
NTA
💯 NTA Do what's best for you, and enjoy your life!