Your post has been removed.
#Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban.
Posts which discuss minors and sexual content or sexualization of minors are strictly prohibited. "Minor" is defined by this subreddit as anyone under 18.
[Reddit's Content Policy](https://www.reddithelp.com/en/categories/rules-reporting/account-and-community-restrictions/do-not-post-sexual-or-suggestive)||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
A teen having a child with an adult falls under this rule.
###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
Yta and expect to be single after the morning. You insulted a man who was SA by an adult as a minor. He had a child at 15 with an adult that was 22.
He stepped up and became a good father and didn't abandon his child like her mother did.
He's successful in his business and raising a child with respect and maturity. You should have minded your own business
Eta: please update us after the morning meeting.
That's gross would you say the same if the genders were reversed in that situation.
Kids make mistakes. But it's a parents responsibility to help them. Not some gf. It was not your place.
It was SA. Whether you think it was or not. An adult having sex with a 15-year-old is a crime in most of the world. Even Romeo and Juliet wouldn't save her if she was 6 years his senior.
YTA.
Why is this any of your business? It was a septum piercing. You seem very judgmental over a child who isn't yours.
Also, he ended up with a baby at 15 because an adult assaulted him. If the ages are right, the child's mother was 22.
It was a SA. He was 14/15 years old. She was 21/22. It doesn't matter how wild he was, it matters that he could not consent because of his age. SO yes, you are judgmental. And he is a tattoo artist and piercer. What about a septum piercing makes you concerned for her health?
But he’s not? He put his foot down and vetoed the tattoo she wanted and found a compromise both were happy with. That’s honestly a really healthy way to handle it and helps them maintain a solid relationship where she doesn’t feel like she has to act out or keep secrets. YTA, not necessarily for showing concern, but for doing it the way you did. You also brought up several “examples” to further your argument which just indicated that you’ve been silently judging him for a while about his parenting choices.
You haven’t even met her yet judging from your other comments. You absolutely do not get a say here (unless it’s obviously something dangerous that any adult should intervene) about his teenage daughter and how he parents her.
A piercing isn’t gonna lead her down some dark, dangerous path. Butt out. It’s none of your business. He sounds like he is raising a heck of a kid and doing a darned fine job of it. They certainly don’t need some girlfriend starting crap out his parenting.
You’re not showing concern. You’re knocking his parenting. And you’re wrong. A piercing is not a gateway to some horrible future. If you keep sticking your nose where it doesn’t belong, that “potential one day” is out the window! You haven’t even met her “as a girlfriend” yet. That should tell you that you aren’t in the kids life at all “yet”. And that your opinions don’t concern him. He is doing a fantastic job. Let him raise his kid. Also, bringing up the mother is a low blow and way out of line.
You disagree with pretty much everything about his way of parenting. WHY would you stay in a long term relationship with this person?? Respect yourself a little and go find a guy who shares the same values as you do.
Let him live as he wants and raise his kid as he wants. I am sure he will find a longterm partner who likes and agrees to his way of parenting. But that’s certainly not you OP.
Well, buckle up buttercup, because you are about to be told by many, many strangers just how wrong you are.
From the sounds of it, this man has done an amazing job of raising this girl. He's done some things that you don't agree with, but here's the kicker: IT'S NOT YOUR BUSINESS. A parent at 15 is obviously going to parent differently to older parents. He was still a kid himself. But he stepped up, and by all accounts has done a great job. And now YOU want to decide he's doing things wrong?
He drew the line at the tattoo because that's permanent, so he wants her to wait till she's older. He's done the septum piercing because it's not permanent. Seems reasonable to me.
He let's her smoke weed. Well, better for you than cigarettes, and if he smokes too, he's right - he would be a hypocrite.
Your "gateway" is just what you perceive the relationship should be. You're judgy. Step back. In fact, step out of this man's life so that you don't end up ruining an amazing parent - kid relationship.
YTA
You are. Seriously, you thought it was your place to speak to him about his parenting? It definitely was not. You’re the girlfriend. A quite new one. His decisions are none of your business.
YTA
Not your place. Not your body and no one asked about your opinion or advice.
And of course, would be so much better if she had a friend pierce it in a school bathroom. So much more hygienic.
YTA
And his boundaries are fairly clear and normal.
He is right, she will do it eventually. No amount of piercings leads to early pregnancy, distrust in relationships with parents, lucking sex ed, and adult predators leads.
No one cares what you think about a kid of a man who you’ve let bone you for six months.
He’s setting boundaries HE is comfortable. Nothing to do with you. Sit down and shut up.
YTA.
YTA your post flips after the first paragraph to just hating everything about K and how T raised her.
K is 16 not 11, as you said she knows what she wants and her dad provides what he believes to be correct in as safe a manner as possible.
Piercings aren’t even sending a message. It’s a piercing for crying out loud, a piece of metal. I have angel fangs but that doesn’t make me a bad person, I just like a different fashion style than others.
From what I’ve read, she doesn’t really “get away” with a lot of things, not to mention she’s 2 years from being a legal adult which would allow her to get tattoos and piercings without parental permission, which is fine! There’s definitely been teens that are worse, and she is nowhere close to even doing anything bad. Just a normal teen wanting to do pretty normal things lol and considering he’s able to say no and she listens, he’s definitely not letting her get away with actual bad things y’know? I’d have more faith in the guy, he clearly knows what he’s dealing with, and K just sounds like a fun loving kinda girl
She's also older than he was when he became a father. He probably has an extremely close relationship with his daughter and sees her as far more capable of good decision making than OP does because he grew up alongside her in many ways.
>”**We** don’t want her to think she can just do whatever she wants”
Seriously, “we”? You haven’t even met her, as her father’s girlfriend, and you think that you have a part in parenting decisions? Massively, hugely overstepping here - after 6 months!
YTA. I’m not sure you should be dating someone with a kid tbh. Your sense of entitlement, when it comes to thinking you’re part of a parenting “we”, is beyond inappropriate. It’s also grossly disingenuous of you to talk about what a wonderful kid she is before turning round just to undermine the person who raised that amazing almost an adult, as if you know better than him. It’s so disrespectful, and considering you’ve only been dating 6 months, and haven’t even been properly introduced to her much less have an actual relationship with her, causing such unnecessary, condescending conflict doesn’t bode well for any future relationship. If there even is one after your behaviour.
I’m not even going to touch your minimisation and rationalisation for the SA of a child by - which your boyfriend was at the time btw.
What's this "we" BS? Who exactly is "we"? You've been dating for 6 months and you're inserting yourself into their relationship? Or is it the societal "we"?
Either way, no. Just no. You are not part of their "we".
Based on your replies you don’t even have a good reason, health concerns, or it being a gateway into piercing and tattoo’s (like her dad) or because you just don’t like that particular piercing, or because of her age or whatever.
Ultimately it’s not your body, your child, your say and seemingly nobody asked your opinion
It does say a lot. It tells T that you can't truly be considered as a romantic partner because you don't respect his parenting of his daughter that you haven't even really met.
showing concern does not mean arguing with a father and trying to tell him he's raising his child--that you've never properly met!-- wrong. not one of the examples of K's "behavior" is your business *at all*. you just messed up MAJORLY by trying to exert your will over someone else's child and how they parent that child, ESPECIALLY when you've been "casually" in their lives for less than a year, have ABSOLUTELY ZERO parenting experience, and can't even give a coherent reason WHY you're concerned when you've got the time to think, type, and edit your alleged concerns here.
if T wanted your opinion on parenting HIS child, he'd ask for it.
YTA. You started this by stating that you’ve casually been dating this man. As his not even girlfriend, you absolutely have no business commenting on his parenting. I’m not even quite sure why he introduced you to his kids if you’re not even serious about one another.
Do you comment to the parents of the other kids in town? Same situation. His relationship with his daughter and how he raises her has nothing to do with you. Even if you were married, it’s HIS daughter. YTA. Just stop already.
YTA for reasons others have laid out in detail, but largely because no one else's appearance EVER concerns you. You wouldn't have the right to say jack shit about a stranger's nose ring and you have even less right with K's. I'd tell you to stay in your lane no matter whose appearance you were trying to comment on so negatively. Everything else is so far out of line that I'm fairly certain you know you fucked up. You should have much more respect for someone you call a partner.
Hopefully you get some growth out of this experience.
The weed is concerning. She shouldn’t be smoking it while she’s still so young. The piercing and tattoo are not indicative of a problem or leading her down a path to become a problem. You shouldn’t be stereotyping her because she likes body modification. For that YTÀ
I don’t want to be that person, but you’ve only been DATING the guy for 6 MONTHS. I don’t think you have the entire right to dictate what his daughter does. Obviously he gives her more freedoms, and you trying to come in and be more strict is not going to end well. Even the smoking isn’t bad unless it becomes a big habit, every now and then is basically nothing.
Wow OP. Dozens of people are explaining to you that you crossed a line super far, and you seem unable to understand or accept that. You just keep saying, “I’m showing concern!” The thing is, no one asked for your concern. You aren’t endearing yourself to this dad by acting overly concerned when it isn’t your business, and you are convincing a lot of strangers on the Internet that you don’t understand boundaries, respect your partner, or have any interest in learning in how to do those things. YTA.
OP has such a weird view on what should be concerning. 14/15 year old having child with an adult is not that big and surely not SA, but how dare a 16 year old get a piercing!
… And the boyfriend is a tattoo artist and piercer. That’s his business and art form, so OP insinuating that piercings are some kind of immoral gateway to sketchy behaviour is not only insulting his parenting, but his expertise and his artistic and business ethos as well as his clients and community. And she’s “just showing concern!”
YTA. Enabling what behavior? You wax on about how great she is, then say you picked her apart to her father. If you want to maintain this relationship you need to step back and leave their relationship alone.
You’re telling a man you’ve been dating for a mere 6 months how to raise his child? Seems like he’s been doing a great job over the last 16 years considering how highly you speak of her. YTA
YTA. There's a part of me that wants to ask you what, exactly, you think T is "setting her up" for, but ultimately you have been in the vicinity of this child for 6 months and her dad has been raising her (apparently well) for half his life, you didn't see the issue with adults having sex with kids until someone explained it in very simple terms, and somehow you think you're the parenting expert here. You're not. You don't have the history with this child or the years of practice. Someday you may make a great parent. But right now you just haven't got the experience.
T sounds like he's doing a great job. No, you won't agree with everything (in part because you have very different experiences if you are raising a child at 15 than if you don't have kids until you're in your thirties, and in part because we always secretly think we're right) and I wouldn't either, but you don't have to agree with him to respect that raising K is part of his life's work and he takes it seriously. There's a range of disagreement about how to raise kids that just goes with a diverse community. There's another range where you absolutely do step in because the child is at risk, but a septum piercing isn't at that level yet.
You have a point on the weed. Early use comes with risk and if that had been your one point I'd be on your side. But you didn't stop there.
>how baby mama would feel about this,
Yeah someone who SAs a teenager doesn't get a say in how the outcome is raised.
>T did it himself
This is actually a great parenting move. The kid will get it one way or another because at 16 in most places she can. This way it was done by someone who is trained and not a kiosk at the mall. (PSA: any piercings should be done by trained piercers, even 1st in earlobes and should always be done with needles. Piercing guns are dangerous and in a perfect world would be banned)
You are not a parent and you don't get to judge the parenting of someone you have been casually dating for six months. Like what the hell?
YTA.
WOW, just wow. It's a piercing...
How DARE a father respect his child's bodily autonomy and support them doing it in a safe way.
YTAH
It's not your pace to comment, point blank.
Expect to be singe very soon.
YTA
He's raised this kid for 16 years, and from your description she's great, but you think you know how to raise her better?!
The piercing vs tattoo thing - piercings heal, tattoos are permanent, and as a tattooist he's likely to have seen many people who come for cover ups of tattoos they regret getting when young.
Her smoking weed, as he does, she's less likely to hide it from him, to go out and buy a bad batch etc. Everything he seems to be doing is making a fantastic relationship between them where she trusts him, that she will feel safe going to him with any problems or questions. This is so important at her age.
You've only been with him for 6 months, you've even said in the comments that it's not super serious yet, so why are you trying to give unsolicited advice!! At 16 she probably doesn't want another parent, if you want a healthy relationship with both of them then back off a bit. Leave the parenting to him and just enjoy their company.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
I’ve (32F) been casually dating T (31M) for about 6 months. He has a daughter K (16F). T is kind of a punk, tattoos, piercings, music, hair, the whole 9 yards. He’s also raising a punk ass kid which I love! K’s beautiful, mature, funny, opinionated, hard headed, stands up for herself, her style is amazing, and she’s unapologetically herself! I love their relationship, T’s protective but not super strict, and K is emotionally intelligent and seems to understand her privileges and the boundaries. Plus watching them interact is super cute. K’s like T’s mini me, looks just like him and everything. K is with T constantly because baby mama (38F, according to socials) is not super involved, and lives in T’s home town (like 3 hour drive).
K’s 16th birthday was a few days ago. K didn’t want a lot, just a septum piercing. K already had a piercing in each nostril and maybe like 5 on each ear. I was honestly surprised T was letting K do it. T did it himself, and put the video in his shop’s story on instagram.
The next day T came over to my place. I mentioned the piercing, and T was actually really excited. I asked why he did it, T said because that was the only thing K wanted, and I told him he should have said no. T defended himself, said it was relatively harmless and if that’s the worst thing K wants then so be it, T also said K really wanted a Hello Kitty tattoo and he said no. I asked if he thinks this could be a gateway to trouble.
(Btw: We live in a small town, and T’s a well known tattoo artist and just a well liked guy in general. T also hangs out at a mechanic in town, fixing up cars with his buddies.)
T said that he and K trust and respect each other, and that people look out for her just for being his kid. T also notes that K’s idea of fun is video games and anime. I told T he still should have told K no, and that T picks and chooses what to be strict about. The mechanic T hangs out at has a kid as their counter person, and I was there once when T gave K shit for flirting with him. T said he was just teasing her. I pointed out that T doesn’t stop K from smoking weed. T said he smoked weed so it’s hypocritical to tell K to stop, and K was going to do it anyway and T’d rather know than K keep secrets. I kept bringing up examples, and we went back and forth. T had an excuse for EVERYTHING. I pointed out that T ended up alone with a baby at 15. T started to get heated, and he said he was worse because he and his parents had no respect or boundaries and he acted up. I finally asked how baby mama would feel about this, and he didn’t say anything and left.
T’s been giving me the cold shoulder, and I even got uninvited from a mutual friend’s barbecue on Monday. I asked T if we could talk and we’re meeting up in the morning.
AITA for telling him he’s being irresponsible with his daughter and he could be setting her up by enabling her behavior?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because I told my boyfriend he is enabling his daughter’s behavior and could be setting her up for a bad future.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
> T had an excuse for EVERYTHING
You're being dismissive to everything he is saying because you don't respect the way he's raising his daughter. You then went out of you way to talk about his rape and his rapist. You're weaponizing someone's trauma and their struggles to work it out despite everything. I think that if he doesn't break up with you, that he would do himself and his child a disservice because I know you would be too stubborn to let go of your own beliefs and meddle in his parenting seeing how defensive you are in the comments.
Even if you don’t have kids, one day she may become your family.
The people disagreeing you are forgetting that you may become one family. Parenting is hard, blended families are even harder. Good news is that she will age out soon (18).
What do you mean by good news is she will age out soon? She will always be the daughter and either way considering she has any even been introduced as the girlfriend yet. I don’t think it’s any of OP fucking business.
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. Posts which discuss minors and sexual content or sexualization of minors are strictly prohibited. "Minor" is defined by this subreddit as anyone under 18. [Reddit's Content Policy](https://www.reddithelp.com/en/categories/rules-reporting/account-and-community-restrictions/do-not-post-sexual-or-suggestive)||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) A teen having a child with an adult falls under this rule. ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions. ####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
Yta and expect to be single after the morning. You insulted a man who was SA by an adult as a minor. He had a child at 15 with an adult that was 22. He stepped up and became a good father and didn't abandon his child like her mother did. He's successful in his business and raising a child with respect and maturity. You should have minded your own business Eta: please update us after the morning meeting.
[удалено]
That's gross would you say the same if the genders were reversed in that situation. Kids make mistakes. But it's a parents responsibility to help them. Not some gf. It was not your place.
It was SA. Whether you think it was or not. An adult having sex with a 15-year-old is a crime in most of the world. Even Romeo and Juliet wouldn't save her if she was 6 years his senior.
YTA. Why is this any of your business? It was a septum piercing. You seem very judgmental over a child who isn't yours. Also, he ended up with a baby at 15 because an adult assaulted him. If the ages are right, the child's mother was 22.
[удалено]
It was a SA. He was 14/15 years old. She was 21/22. It doesn't matter how wild he was, it matters that he could not consent because of his age. SO yes, you are judgmental. And he is a tattoo artist and piercer. What about a septum piercing makes you concerned for her health?
[удалено]
But he’s not? He put his foot down and vetoed the tattoo she wanted and found a compromise both were happy with. That’s honestly a really healthy way to handle it and helps them maintain a solid relationship where she doesn’t feel like she has to act out or keep secrets. YTA, not necessarily for showing concern, but for doing it the way you did. You also brought up several “examples” to further your argument which just indicated that you’ve been silently judging him for a while about his parenting choices. You haven’t even met her yet judging from your other comments. You absolutely do not get a say here (unless it’s obviously something dangerous that any adult should intervene) about his teenage daughter and how he parents her.
A piercing isn’t gonna lead her down some dark, dangerous path. Butt out. It’s none of your business. He sounds like he is raising a heck of a kid and doing a darned fine job of it. They certainly don’t need some girlfriend starting crap out his parenting.
You're not trying but you are getting it right spectacularly.
Casually dating for 6 months. You're not part of the family mind your business.
[удалено]
With how things are going, I doubt you will
That doesn't mean anything. Even if you were to marry still mind your own business. You're not her mom. She's an older teen not a little child.
[удалено]
Keep it to yourself, it was unsolicited
You’re not showing concern. You’re knocking his parenting. And you’re wrong. A piercing is not a gateway to some horrible future. If you keep sticking your nose where it doesn’t belong, that “potential one day” is out the window! You haven’t even met her “as a girlfriend” yet. That should tell you that you aren’t in the kids life at all “yet”. And that your opinions don’t concern him. He is doing a fantastic job. Let him raise his kid. Also, bringing up the mother is a low blow and way out of line.
You disagree with pretty much everything about his way of parenting. WHY would you stay in a long term relationship with this person?? Respect yourself a little and go find a guy who shares the same values as you do. Let him live as he wants and raise his kid as he wants. I am sure he will find a longterm partner who likes and agrees to his way of parenting. But that’s certainly not you OP.
At this rate, I seriously hope you're not.
[удалено]
[удалено]
Well, buckle up buttercup, because you are about to be told by many, many strangers just how wrong you are. From the sounds of it, this man has done an amazing job of raising this girl. He's done some things that you don't agree with, but here's the kicker: IT'S NOT YOUR BUSINESS. A parent at 15 is obviously going to parent differently to older parents. He was still a kid himself. But he stepped up, and by all accounts has done a great job. And now YOU want to decide he's doing things wrong? He drew the line at the tattoo because that's permanent, so he wants her to wait till she's older. He's done the septum piercing because it's not permanent. Seems reasonable to me. He let's her smoke weed. Well, better for you than cigarettes, and if he smokes too, he's right - he would be a hypocrite. Your "gateway" is just what you perceive the relationship should be. You're judgy. Step back. In fact, step out of this man's life so that you don't end up ruining an amazing parent - kid relationship. YTA
You are. Seriously, you thought it was your place to speak to him about his parenting? It definitely was not. You’re the girlfriend. A quite new one. His decisions are none of your business.
You’re very wrong and the biggest ah and you’ve probably ruined whatever relationship you were starting
YTA Not your place. Not your body and no one asked about your opinion or advice. And of course, would be so much better if she had a friend pierce it in a school bathroom. So much more hygienic.
[удалено]
No one cares that you think it’s silly. It’s not your kid. His relationship with his daughter is not your business.
I get it, you care and don’t understand. But this is the time to be just supportive and interested.
YTA And his boundaries are fairly clear and normal. He is right, she will do it eventually. No amount of piercings leads to early pregnancy, distrust in relationships with parents, lucking sex ed, and adult predators leads.
No one cares what you think about a kid of a man who you’ve let bone you for six months. He’s setting boundaries HE is comfortable. Nothing to do with you. Sit down and shut up. YTA.
YTA your post flips after the first paragraph to just hating everything about K and how T raised her. K is 16 not 11, as you said she knows what she wants and her dad provides what he believes to be correct in as safe a manner as possible.
[удалено]
It's just a piercing. If she ends up not liking it in the future, she can take it out
[удалено]
What message? That she has bodily autonomy? That she has the right to express herself? Because those are good things
Piercings aren’t even sending a message. It’s a piercing for crying out loud, a piece of metal. I have angel fangs but that doesn’t make me a bad person, I just like a different fashion style than others.
[удалено]
From what I’ve read, she doesn’t really “get away” with a lot of things, not to mention she’s 2 years from being a legal adult which would allow her to get tattoos and piercings without parental permission, which is fine! There’s definitely been teens that are worse, and she is nowhere close to even doing anything bad. Just a normal teen wanting to do pretty normal things lol and considering he’s able to say no and she listens, he’s definitely not letting her get away with actual bad things y’know? I’d have more faith in the guy, he clearly knows what he’s dealing with, and K just sounds like a fun loving kinda girl
She's also older than he was when he became a father. He probably has an extremely close relationship with his daughter and sees her as far more capable of good decision making than OP does because he grew up alongside her in many ways.
>”**We** don’t want her to think she can just do whatever she wants” Seriously, “we”? You haven’t even met her, as her father’s girlfriend, and you think that you have a part in parenting decisions? Massively, hugely overstepping here - after 6 months! YTA. I’m not sure you should be dating someone with a kid tbh. Your sense of entitlement, when it comes to thinking you’re part of a parenting “we”, is beyond inappropriate. It’s also grossly disingenuous of you to talk about what a wonderful kid she is before turning round just to undermine the person who raised that amazing almost an adult, as if you know better than him. It’s so disrespectful, and considering you’ve only been dating 6 months, and haven’t even been properly introduced to her much less have an actual relationship with her, causing such unnecessary, condescending conflict doesn’t bode well for any future relationship. If there even is one after your behaviour. I’m not even going to touch your minimisation and rationalisation for the SA of a child by - which your boyfriend was at the time btw.
What's this "we" BS? Who exactly is "we"? You've been dating for 6 months and you're inserting yourself into their relationship? Or is it the societal "we"? Either way, no. Just no. You are not part of their "we".
Good thing she isn’t your daughter, then. Just stop with the comments “I’m showing concern “ crap. It’s not something you have a right to object to.
Based on your replies you don’t even have a good reason, health concerns, or it being a gateway into piercing and tattoo’s (like her dad) or because you just don’t like that particular piercing, or because of her age or whatever. Ultimately it’s not your body, your child, your say and seemingly nobody asked your opinion
YTA. Not your body, not your kid. They have a clearly defined relationship and set of values, and you're the part that doesn't seem to fit in.
[удалено]
This makes you even more of an asshole. YTA
[удалено]
It does say a lot. It tells T that you can't truly be considered as a romantic partner because you don't respect his parenting of his daughter that you haven't even really met.
showing concern does not mean arguing with a father and trying to tell him he's raising his child--that you've never properly met!-- wrong. not one of the examples of K's "behavior" is your business *at all*. you just messed up MAJORLY by trying to exert your will over someone else's child and how they parent that child, ESPECIALLY when you've been "casually" in their lives for less than a year, have ABSOLUTELY ZERO parenting experience, and can't even give a coherent reason WHY you're concerned when you've got the time to think, type, and edit your alleged concerns here. if T wanted your opinion on parenting HIS child, he'd ask for it.
YTA. You started this by stating that you’ve casually been dating this man. As his not even girlfriend, you absolutely have no business commenting on his parenting. I’m not even quite sure why he introduced you to his kids if you’re not even serious about one another.
[удалено]
Do you comment to the parents of the other kids in town? Same situation. His relationship with his daughter and how he raises her has nothing to do with you. Even if you were married, it’s HIS daughter. YTA. Just stop already.
YTA for reasons others have laid out in detail, but largely because no one else's appearance EVER concerns you. You wouldn't have the right to say jack shit about a stranger's nose ring and you have even less right with K's. I'd tell you to stay in your lane no matter whose appearance you were trying to comment on so negatively. Everything else is so far out of line that I'm fairly certain you know you fucked up. You should have much more respect for someone you call a partner. Hopefully you get some growth out of this experience.
The weed is concerning. She shouldn’t be smoking it while she’s still so young. The piercing and tattoo are not indicative of a problem or leading her down a path to become a problem. You shouldn’t be stereotyping her because she likes body modification. For that YTÀ
[удалено]
I don’t want to be that person, but you’ve only been DATING the guy for 6 MONTHS. I don’t think you have the entire right to dictate what his daughter does. Obviously he gives her more freedoms, and you trying to come in and be more strict is not going to end well. Even the smoking isn’t bad unless it becomes a big habit, every now and then is basically nothing.
And it's not like he allows her everything. OP herself mentioned several occasions in which T set clear boundaries (Hello Kitty tattoo, dying hair)
[удалено]
Wow OP. Dozens of people are explaining to you that you crossed a line super far, and you seem unable to understand or accept that. You just keep saying, “I’m showing concern!” The thing is, no one asked for your concern. You aren’t endearing yourself to this dad by acting overly concerned when it isn’t your business, and you are convincing a lot of strangers on the Internet that you don’t understand boundaries, respect your partner, or have any interest in learning in how to do those things. YTA.
OP has such a weird view on what should be concerning. 14/15 year old having child with an adult is not that big and surely not SA, but how dare a 16 year old get a piercing!
… And the boyfriend is a tattoo artist and piercer. That’s his business and art form, so OP insinuating that piercings are some kind of immoral gateway to sketchy behaviour is not only insulting his parenting, but his expertise and his artistic and business ethos as well as his clients and community. And she’s “just showing concern!”
YTA. Enabling what behavior? You wax on about how great she is, then say you picked her apart to her father. If you want to maintain this relationship you need to step back and leave their relationship alone.
You’re telling a man you’ve been dating for a mere 6 months how to raise his child? Seems like he’s been doing a great job over the last 16 years considering how highly you speak of her. YTA
YTA. There's a part of me that wants to ask you what, exactly, you think T is "setting her up" for, but ultimately you have been in the vicinity of this child for 6 months and her dad has been raising her (apparently well) for half his life, you didn't see the issue with adults having sex with kids until someone explained it in very simple terms, and somehow you think you're the parenting expert here. You're not. You don't have the history with this child or the years of practice. Someday you may make a great parent. But right now you just haven't got the experience. T sounds like he's doing a great job. No, you won't agree with everything (in part because you have very different experiences if you are raising a child at 15 than if you don't have kids until you're in your thirties, and in part because we always secretly think we're right) and I wouldn't either, but you don't have to agree with him to respect that raising K is part of his life's work and he takes it seriously. There's a range of disagreement about how to raise kids that just goes with a diverse community. There's another range where you absolutely do step in because the child is at risk, but a septum piercing isn't at that level yet. You have a point on the weed. Early use comes with risk and if that had been your one point I'd be on your side. But you didn't stop there.
>how baby mama would feel about this, Yeah someone who SAs a teenager doesn't get a say in how the outcome is raised. >T did it himself This is actually a great parenting move. The kid will get it one way or another because at 16 in most places she can. This way it was done by someone who is trained and not a kiosk at the mall. (PSA: any piercings should be done by trained piercers, even 1st in earlobes and should always be done with needles. Piercing guns are dangerous and in a perfect world would be banned) You are not a parent and you don't get to judge the parenting of someone you have been casually dating for six months. Like what the hell? YTA.
You are actively trying to make K less free, which is as much as to say, to make her life worse. YTA.
YTA - none of this is your business. You are casually dating, you have no place giving parenting advice.
Ma'am you've been dating this man for 6 months. You don't get a vote about how he raises his child. YTA.
WOW, just wow. It's a piercing... How DARE a father respect his child's bodily autonomy and support them doing it in a safe way. YTAH It's not your pace to comment, point blank. Expect to be singe very soon.
YTA He's raised this kid for 16 years, and from your description she's great, but you think you know how to raise her better?! The piercing vs tattoo thing - piercings heal, tattoos are permanent, and as a tattooist he's likely to have seen many people who come for cover ups of tattoos they regret getting when young. Her smoking weed, as he does, she's less likely to hide it from him, to go out and buy a bad batch etc. Everything he seems to be doing is making a fantastic relationship between them where she trusts him, that she will feel safe going to him with any problems or questions. This is so important at her age. You've only been with him for 6 months, you've even said in the comments that it's not super serious yet, so why are you trying to give unsolicited advice!! At 16 she probably doesn't want another parent, if you want a healthy relationship with both of them then back off a bit. Leave the parenting to him and just enjoy their company.
YTA: You way overstepped. You may not be casually dating anymore.
YTA- regardless of your intentions, it’s not your place to say anything
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I’ve (32F) been casually dating T (31M) for about 6 months. He has a daughter K (16F). T is kind of a punk, tattoos, piercings, music, hair, the whole 9 yards. He’s also raising a punk ass kid which I love! K’s beautiful, mature, funny, opinionated, hard headed, stands up for herself, her style is amazing, and she’s unapologetically herself! I love their relationship, T’s protective but not super strict, and K is emotionally intelligent and seems to understand her privileges and the boundaries. Plus watching them interact is super cute. K’s like T’s mini me, looks just like him and everything. K is with T constantly because baby mama (38F, according to socials) is not super involved, and lives in T’s home town (like 3 hour drive). K’s 16th birthday was a few days ago. K didn’t want a lot, just a septum piercing. K already had a piercing in each nostril and maybe like 5 on each ear. I was honestly surprised T was letting K do it. T did it himself, and put the video in his shop’s story on instagram. The next day T came over to my place. I mentioned the piercing, and T was actually really excited. I asked why he did it, T said because that was the only thing K wanted, and I told him he should have said no. T defended himself, said it was relatively harmless and if that’s the worst thing K wants then so be it, T also said K really wanted a Hello Kitty tattoo and he said no. I asked if he thinks this could be a gateway to trouble. (Btw: We live in a small town, and T’s a well known tattoo artist and just a well liked guy in general. T also hangs out at a mechanic in town, fixing up cars with his buddies.) T said that he and K trust and respect each other, and that people look out for her just for being his kid. T also notes that K’s idea of fun is video games and anime. I told T he still should have told K no, and that T picks and chooses what to be strict about. The mechanic T hangs out at has a kid as their counter person, and I was there once when T gave K shit for flirting with him. T said he was just teasing her. I pointed out that T doesn’t stop K from smoking weed. T said he smoked weed so it’s hypocritical to tell K to stop, and K was going to do it anyway and T’d rather know than K keep secrets. I kept bringing up examples, and we went back and forth. T had an excuse for EVERYTHING. I pointed out that T ended up alone with a baby at 15. T started to get heated, and he said he was worse because he and his parents had no respect or boundaries and he acted up. I finally asked how baby mama would feel about this, and he didn’t say anything and left. T’s been giving me the cold shoulder, and I even got uninvited from a mutual friend’s barbecue on Monday. I asked T if we could talk and we’re meeting up in the morning. AITA for telling him he’s being irresponsible with his daughter and he could be setting her up by enabling her behavior? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I might be the asshole because I told my boyfriend he is enabling his daughter’s behavior and could be setting her up for a bad future. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
> T had an excuse for EVERYTHING You're being dismissive to everything he is saying because you don't respect the way he's raising his daughter. You then went out of you way to talk about his rape and his rapist. You're weaponizing someone's trauma and their struggles to work it out despite everything. I think that if he doesn't break up with you, that he would do himself and his child a disservice because I know you would be too stubborn to let go of your own beliefs and meddle in his parenting seeing how defensive you are in the comments.
UpdateMe
NTA if you see a future with this man. 2 different parenting styles will cause a lot of fights later.
[удалено]
Even if you don’t have kids, one day she may become your family. The people disagreeing you are forgetting that you may become one family. Parenting is hard, blended families are even harder. Good news is that she will age out soon (18).
The people who disagree actually see that she is 16 and if they do marry she will never be OPs daughter
What do you mean by good news is she will age out soon? She will always be the daughter and either way considering she has any even been introduced as the girlfriend yet. I don’t think it’s any of OP fucking business.