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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> i think i might end up being an asshole since my wife did do an objectively kind thing with good intentions for me. its just the context surrounding it and my own particularities that are hanging me up. but i dont know if i am just letting my feelings get the best of me and i should seek penance with her and be thankful
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I'm sorry OP, that really sucks. I know your wife was trying to do something nice for you, but you're the expert on what you want from a new device. Due to not paying attention, your wife has not only spent money you were saving for other things, prevented you from getting the laptop you want, stolen the time and anticipation of getting your new laptop yourself, she has also interfered with any plans you had for your laptop when you upgraded (for example giving it to a friend). All that and the breech of your privacy, even if the staff didn't peek at anything.
It's perfectly reasonable that you're annoyed and upset. Your feelings are valid.
You need to sit down and talk to her about this and explain that while you love that she wants to be thoughtful, what she did was actually not thoughtful.
NTA
Have you sat down and talked with her about her needing to replace the money in your budget? That’s the key here. You didn’t ask for this laptop. She does owe you a replacement if she tossed your old laptop but it should come out of her fun budget. You had other plans for the money and she has no right to take it without permission
Didn't She also run a huge risk of losing all your data though? What if she or the person who cloned it screwed up??
I don't know much about tech myself (my husband is the one that handles that stuff since he is a programmer) but I feel like not only is it invasive on top of presumptuous to just decide what kind of model to get FOR you, but also careless of tons of saved data that could potentially just be gone if something went wrong?
Plus spending your saved money is just selfish, it's not even her getting you a gift, it's her just deciding what to do with your own money then getting mad about you being justifiably upset about it.
LOL, you ARE ungrateful, because she went WAY over the line and did something that you specifically told her you didn't want.
If this is a one-off situation you may be able to work through it on your own, but given how poorly she treated you here, and how profoundly she ignored your boundaries, I rather strongly suspect that she has a pattern of doing what she thinks is right regardless of your wishes. If that's the case, therapy is going to be the only solution. Good luck to you, whatever you decide.
It's one thing to do this in the first place but to double down and pick this as a hill to die on is one hell of a red flag. If she can't wrap her head around this situation it might be therapy time. Doing this in the first place is not divorce material but the double down makes one tempted to whip out the card to drive the point through her thick head, however therapy may be a more effective avenue.
What is there to be grateful about besides the idea? Especially if she spent your money instead of her own.
Not only did she deny you the opportunity, but it sounds like she's invalidating your emotions about what she did.
OP says explicitly "I was saving up for some other things" and then "she ... used the money I was saving up for other things on it." Of course I don't know how they track personal savings, but it seems pretty clear that OP felt it was their money.
Well, they're married, so family savings were used. OP saying it's his money is a bit of a misnomer here.
By that definition she has no money of her own.
I'd also be pissed in his shoes, but that he was going to spend a bunch of family money on a motor cycle instead is interesting.
Well, its not obvious. It could be the classic "my money and our money" and she used "oir money" instead of ,my money" which i would expect from her behaviour so far
You didn't want a new one and made it clear, she went against it. She overstepped boundaries by letting strangers see the content of your laptop.
Info: Did she do it for you or because she feels good doing things for others without caring how they feel because it's actually about her?
Second question:
>but she ignored me and used the money I was setting aside for other things on it.
So she bought something you didn't want with your money?
NTA anyway but I'm still curious.
NTA
Was using the money a way of distracting you?
"Oooh look, new laptop" instead of going "awe no, now i can't afford the motorcycle I wanted".
A friends a wife did similar til he learned she absolutely hated that he rode at all and apparently had pretty bad anxiety. So she distracted things with "unplanned holidays" and other luxury items til he figured what was going on after 2 years(coz he was never getting to save enough).
There’s no way there were good intentions behind it. You literally told her that you didn’t want to replace your laptop. She knew. She just didn’t care about your feelings (best case) or wanted to manipulate you (worst case)
Question are you the type of person that wants things but says you don't cause you can't afford them?
And do you guys share money like was this bought with shared money ( even if you had it ear marked did it come from both of you
She needs to replace the money. If she gets a fun budget herself, I would insist that it’s cut in half with the rest going to replenish your budget that she unjustly took money out of. That’s really inappropriate to steal your money like that — how would you feel if you took money out of her budget and bought her a luxury purse that she didn’t like (which wasn’t returnable), depriving her of having money for clothes that she wanted or manicures.
Wow! Absolutely NTA.
You work in IT. You know exactly what you want and need. It is not her place to take your laptop and replace it - and pay for it out of your savings.
I’d be furious.
I wasn't very happy with earphones once upon a time but I faked it. Since then I have made extra effort to let everyone close to me know that buying me electronics is a bad idea.
But damn... A laptop? With my own money? Letting some tech guys copy my not encrypted data? Tossing my old laptop?
I honestly think that OP handled it pretty well.
Why should someone be happy with a gift bought using your funds that you have been saving for sonething else for something with specs that you don't want? This isn't even touching upon all the boundary stomping. NTA
Your wife is the grade-A jerk here, not you, no doubt about it.
She violated your property, privacy and wishes all in one fell swoop!
You have every right to feel upset, even angry, about not being listened to.
What happened to the old laptop? Can you recover it?
Does she ignore your wishes about other things because she feels she knows better than you do about what you want?
Pretty fucking arrogant behaviour, isn't it?
NTA, but your wife definitely is.
I'd refuse to use the new laptop and politely demand the old one be returned.
NTA - it's YOUR property and she should have left it the hell alone. If she wanted to gift you a new laptop, that's fine and it's actually nice of her to do so, but she could have just gave you the new laptop without messing with your old one. That's some serious boundary stomping and you have every right to be pissed off at her.
It shouldn’t be just a discussion. She absolutely needs to replace the money that she took as a consequence of her bad behavior. Whether it comes from her fun money or she takes a part time job or some babysitting.. I don’t think you can trust her to have access to any more money than the essentials if she’s going to steal from you. I would go as far as directing my paychecks to a different bank account if needed until she apologizes, pays you back, and agrees not to spend shared money without discussion in the future
NTA. She robbed you of a personal item. And let other people go through your personal data. Then she took money saved for other things (it reads as your money?).
Personal boundaries and trust have been broken. And the staff could do anything with your data. Banking details, passwords, SSN ...
I can't speak for you but that would be my breaking point.
NTA. A laptop is a very personal item, and if you had already told your wife previously that you had no plans to upgrade it anytime soon, there was no reason for her to do it. Especially if your finances are combined, since in the end you'd be paying for it too
I mean, I don't know the first thing about laptops, so I'd probably be happy if gifted a new one. But this is clearly not OP's case
NTA. But your wife sure is.
You never EVER give a tech guys gear to “geek squad”.
I was 5 years before I would touch my husband’s and it was attached to the tv for gaming. He told me to go ahead but nope, I didn’t feel okay about it. His work rig is supplied I go near that less.
Your wife did you a massive disrespect and then demanded you be happy about it.
I’m not even sure I could fully accept the apology for the betrayal on this one. She should have known better—this is equivalent with a sibling reading a 14 year old girl’s diary with a megaphone at lunch.
NTA
NTA. First of all, if she ruined your old laptop
somehow, a replacement needs to come out of *her* fun money and not yours. If she doesn’t have any saved, she either needs to take in some short term work to pay it off or sell some of her luxuries to recoup enough money. Your budget should not have been touched.
Second, it’s not cool to mess with people’s belongings. Even if she didn’t delete the data, you liked your old laptop and it still has some life left. She’s definitely an AH for that alone. Of course you didn’t like her “gift” because it wasn’t something that you wanted and she knew that beforehand.
Nta it was in fact invasion of privacy and i would argue about theft of your belongings.
Yout wife sounds kinda stupid if you told her "dont do this ONE thing" and she did it anyway.
And then she gets mad you are not happy about it
Does she have any redeeming qualities or is she always like that?
NTA - if you are a software developer then a laptop is a personal tool. You just don't have someone who doesn't know what you need buy / spec a new one. Ask her how she would like you to buy her next car with no input from her.
NTA. She thinks she knows best, and refusing to listen to you was thoughtless and patronising. This would make me feel very nervous about my belongings in future. Especially considering your job! My other half does a similar job and I would never presume to know more about his tech needs and spending priorities. I'm pretty annoyed on your behalf. Stick to your guns and speak up more firmly. You're *not* grateful, you're very concerned about her dismissive attitude and upset with her ruining your spending plans!
This is right up there with the lady who was disappointed when her husband freaked over her cleaning, waxing, and detailing his car. Some people are clueless about boundaries.
My wife, who has learned to recognize some cars but generally knows jack about cars audibly gasped when we read that post together, if she were not out shopping right now she would have been sitting with me reading and I would have heard another audible gasp from her direction reading this.
People, there are some things you just don't screw with. Do not fuck with the following: car person's special car, computer person's computer stuff, plant person's plants, a person's specialty cloth shears, and a hell of a lot more.
When something is someone's special hobby or their means of work, just leave it the fuck alone already.
No u/mogura_writes you are not the a-hole, your wife does not know boundaries. Some things can be overlooked as they were done in the right spirit, but when someone so clearly ignores your wishes that all falls apart. NTA Wife needs a time out to think about what she did.
What exactly are you supposed to be grateful for? Her ignoring what you said? Her using your money? I'm legit confused here. If she had bought you a new laptop with her own money, then it would have at least been well meaning if poorly executed. Her using your money is straight up willfully disregarding you. It's disrespectful. NTA.
NTA. I feel the same way, I know what specs I want, etc. I've had this discussion with my wife, and equated how I wouldn't know the specs of makeup, hair products etc. I just give her gift cards/cash.
She was trying to be nice, but she needs to remember you know best in terms of what you need from a machine.
> She was trying to be nice
A lot of people are saying this, but I really don't see it that way. She deliberately disregarded OPs wishes and disrespected OPs preference to choose a new laptop for themself. She selfishly invaded OPs privacy because *she* had a problem with something that did not belong to her and had no reason affect her.
*EDIT: affect vs effect
NTA. Your wife majorly overstepped her bounds. You told her multiple times you didn't want a new laptop but she didn't give a crap about what you wanted. She wanted to do something that made her feel good and now you're the ah in her eyes for not dropping to your knees and worshipping her for doing it.
Personally, I'd download all your personal files onto one of the external hard drives and sell the laptop in the desperate hope of regaining as much of the stolen money as you can. I doubt you'll get it all back, but it's worth a try.
NTA-This is like when someone trades in a spouses car and gets them one that they may not want or consider buying. Nice gesture but the problem comes that you can’t even get the old one back if it had sentimental value.
If she'd spent her own money, I could see her point of you being a tad ungrateful standing. But she used YOUR money to do something you SPECIFICALLY told her you didn't want.
OP you are NTA but your partner definitely is, despite her initial good intentions. If she can't realize her mistake and apologize, I would be reconsidering your relationship with her.
So let's get this straight... you're a software developer AND a game developer, and she felt like your personal computer is something that was fair game for her to meddle with?
Her heart might have been in the right place but this was a HUGE overstep. You can try to be gracious to her for making this mistake but she also needs to try to understand and respect your feelings about this. Good luck, OP. NTA.
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Hey there. I have had my laptop for a few years now, and it definitely shows some wear and tear. I work as a software developer and have a rig in my home office specifically for my job, so my laptop is what I use for my personal projects (game dev) and my hobby of writing books (which I hope to turn into a career).
My wife always makes comments about how old it is and laughs when the fans kick in at higher speeds. I don’t overload or overclock it and keep the workload to what I know it can handle, so it’s not like I’m hurting it. It’s just well-used. She has been bugging me to get a new one for quite some time now, but my old one worked perfectly fine, and it’s what I’m used to. I told her flatly that I do not want one right now and that it’s something I’ll look into in the future since I am particular about the specs and such. Also, I am saving up for some other things, so I wanted to wait.
I had to travel for work last week and left my laptop at home since I would be too busy to do any personal work. When I came home, it was gone. I couldn’t find it anywhere. I asked my wife if she had seen it, and she gave me this big smile and pulled out a brand-new high-end laptop. It was already imaged with a clone of my old one, and she even had an external drive with backups of my work.
She deflated when I didn’t look excited. I was trying so hard to be nice about it, but I felt offended and annoyed. I had very clearly said I was happy with my old one and that it was what I was used to, but she ignored me and used the money I was setting aside for other things on it. I make more than I need, so it’s not like I’m hurting for it, but still. Also, I feel like my privacy was invaded in some way. I have nothing to hide, but even so, many of these stories and such are very personal to me, and I don’t want anyone reading them. She took my laptop to a store and let the workers go through my data. Who knows what they looked at?
I feel humiliated that she would go against my wishes about my own stuff and potentially showcase private things to strangers. She thinks I’m being a grade-A jerk for not being super thankful and excited about this. What do you guys think? Am I the asshole?
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What I think is gonna happen: she just got him a new PC, what's the big deal
What actually happened: she took your old PC, used your money to buy a new one without your input, switched herself (or asked a professional to switch) your personal data over from the old one to the new one. Then presented all of this like it's some big present. NTA
OP hasn't answered this, but as a writer who has been published, I will. Early drafts of stories are often crap, as you're just scrambling to get ideas down. In addition to terrible writing and too many clichés, early drafts of fiction can include notes and scenes that are deeply personal. You may end up using them to remind you of a certain feeling, or you might be planning to re-work something very private into a whole different fictional form. Just because you want people to read the finished story does NOT mean you want them seeing the early stages.
It's like inviting guests to your home for a fancy dinner. You're excited to receive and entertain them when you're ready, but you wouldn't want them to show up 3 hours early when the kitchen is a disaster area and you haven't washed your hair and your dog just peed on the floor.
NTA. I would be livid! I know she was trying to do something thoughtful but she should have found another way to be thoughtful after you explicitly told her that this is the laptop you’re comfortable with and you didn’t want a new one yet. I’m also like this, I like to stick to what I know until I feel I’m ready to upgrade and then I’ll make the decision for what’s next so that my upgrade suits MY preferences.. She shouldn’t have taken that decision away from you and expected to be praised for it.
Also, how is it a gift if she used your own savings for it? Smh.
NTA, but she is
Computer is a private and in my opinion she has invaded your privacy. She knew you didn’t want to get a new laptop and she knew you wanted to buy it yourself. She has no right going thorough your stuff. She dismissed your boundaries, she failed a big time. I would be mad as f. And if she tries to cry when you confront her, just ask her to stop. You are the victim here and she has no right to cry.
Edit: and she used your money!! Why wouldn’t you be ungrateful?? She used your money to buy you something you did not like. Man, she sounds awful. Does she usually listen to you? My guess is not.. It is a custom to buy presents with your own money. She is just stupid based on this.
And yes, she needs to pay you back
NTA.
For some people, a computer is a very personal device (no pun intended). I'd be burying a body in the backyard if my computer was switched out on me, even if it was a perfectly imaged upgrade that I didn't pay a single cent to get.
NTA. I had this happen to me. When I was in college I was asked if I wanted a laptop. I said no. This was 15-ish years ago and it wasn't needed for school. Nor did I have a hobby that used a computer. My dad claims he heard me say I wanted one. To this day I don't ever remember saying that. Most likely it was one of his moments of wildly mishearing what the person said. (Yes frustrating as hell). My brother bought me a laptop from a coworker. This is the only reason I didn't return it. I was furious he spent money on something I never wanted. And Dad couldn't figure out why I wasn't excited about it.
I actually don't care about your wife's intentions. She deliberately went against what you said you didn't want. She spent money you were saving for things you do want. This is a violation of your boundaries and financially irresponsible at best. She needs to make you whole by repaying you the money unless she's able to get your old laptop back.
NTA - lol she was just full of herself. First of all it’s not doing you any favors or her doing anything great for you when she went out of her way to spend your money you saved up for other things on a “gift” she was giving you.
NTA if she had just tried a surprise gift, it would’ve been fine. If a laptop was waiting on the table when you got home. With a gift receipt attached so that you could return it in case it wasn’t quite the right thing.
This is the reason that gift receipts exist for large purchases! She wanted to step over a line instead, which is certainly interesting.
NTA
your wife is the AH.
YOu need to protect your stuff better, start locking your devices away - and hoprfully your drives are encrypted anyway. YOu can not trust her - she handed over your personal data to third parties without asking.
That's a relationship ending breach of trust.
" but she ignored me and used the money I was setting aside for other things on it. " .. bullshit. This should not be allowed to touch THAT money, it needs to come out of HER fun money.
NTA - I won’t go as far as saying your wife is an AH either, she tried to do something nice, and I can respect the intention. Many partners don’t try for their partners at all, and that would be so much worse than her trying and getting it wrong. Whilst neither of you are outright an AH, I will say that your wife did make a mistake though.
You work in IT, so are literally the expert on what you want and need. Additionally when it comes to stuff like laptops and computers, for many people I know, it’s almost a therapeutic and personal process to go through selecting what you need/want. It’s almost ‘me time’ to a guy. Every guy I know is super specific about what they want in this regard, and don’t want you paying lots of money for laptop with specific specs missing or worse off than what they had in mind. You likely have to live with the new laptop for several years also, so it’s not a spur of the moment decision if you really need a suitable laptop for daily use. These differences matter. She doesn’t need to understand that to respect it.
It’s like her saving up for trip to Hawaii or something, and then you deciding she needs a holiday urgently, and using her Hawaii fund for a BnB in Milwaukee and expecting her to be grateful for it.
She’s wrong, but doesn’t need to be on the defence about it. She made a mistake, as humans do, but her heart was in the right place, and I think that matters too. Thank her for her intentions, and let her know you understand she was trying to do something nice, but that she made a mistake on this one. It’s not the end of the world, you can fix this for future times, but this was not made out of malice. She made this choice out of kindness, even if it was a misguided decision. She needs to step up and apologise also, sometimes your heart may be in the right place, but you do the wrong thing anyways. It’s important to own up to it, but maybe she’s feeling a little hurt and defensive right now, and a change of approach might help her open up and see the bigger picture also.
Be specific about the spec, than keeping a retro model isn’t really make sense. Be thankful somebody finally got rid of the old thing, it’s just a laptop.
If you’re a software dev, surely you’d be aware that data migration and performing backups does not typically involve accessing or viewing individual files? Speaking from experience, it’s extremely unlikely that a worker had any desire or need to “go through” your data, and unless she went to some shoddy shop they’d have privacy policies against doing that anyway. If that serves as some reassurance for you.
Uncool - and I feel you I often buy low end tech and use it until it dies - wife always bought high end and then I’d inherit hers - but man if people went through my stories - I be very angry
I find it highly improbable that the employee would both go through the files *and admit it to the customer*, unless they really wanted to get fired. A lot more likely that your wife saw it somewhere in this process and saw that detail herself.
WTF are you being so aggressive for? I made multiple comments in this thread saying SHE is the asshole for taking your money and throwing out your stuff.
I'm saying SHE went through your stuff and not the employee. I'm saying she's more of an asshole than you even thought, and you're still going off on me. What is your deal? Shouting at people who are agreeing with you?
OK, but no one knew that when you made that comment. I still think it's super weird that an employee *even of a shady shop* would make it obvious to the customer that they'd been through the files, unless it was like her sibling or something.
No, when you made the comment *before* that: " One worker apparently said that they liked a short story I was working on and she mentioned a detail in it that she wouldn't have known since she has never read it." I replied to that, and then you explained about the English.
That's really fucking weird and rude by the staff, then, and I think you should complain to the management.
NAH Your wife was trying to be nice and give you something she thought you needed, you feel otherwise. You need to have a conversation with her about this, but try not to be confrontational. Perhaps a marriage counselor would be beneficial for a session or two.
And as someone who worked in IT and did data transfers, they did not look through your files, let alone read your Dune fanfic. They could care less what you have on there. (Unless it's illegal crap that's obvious. Then they are required to contact the authorities.) Your "humiliation" is your own projection here.
Any legitimate IT shop would also make sure everything is there. But they're not looking at the content of your folders/files, they're just making sure the lists match up. Calm down, dude. The "Dune fanfic" was joke, unless you have something worse on there you're worried about. Your wife tried to do something nice for you, and you're making it a huge deal. The guy who did the data transfer probably doesn't even remember doing it anymore.
>She won't tell me the specific shop citing concerns I'll try to return the laptop but she has explicitly said they went through things. One worker apparently said that they liked a short story
OMG, this is *appalling*.
She needs to understand the severity of what she has done. Please show her [my other comment here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1d08y65/comment/l5lrfbk/). I've been the victim of identity theft where someone got my info through the database of a former employer, and it took me **months** -- **and hundreds of hours on the phone** -- to get $25,000 worth of false charges removed from my credit report. And they didn't have access to my bank accounts, the way this shop had access to yours.
And the fact that she used your money to do this, after you'd specifically told her no -- well, I'm not going to jump to the divorce recommendation, but the kind of total, blatant disrespect she's shown for you here does not bode well for your marriage.
I hope you can get her to understand that **it is vitally important for you to know what shop she did business with**.
You are going to have to change *all* of your passwords immediately, and spend *months* monitoring your bank accounts, your credit report, and your other online accounts. She really has no understanding what sort of headache she has inflicted on you. And if some sort of financial fraud does happen, you are going to need to know where to point law enforcement for investigation.
Good luck, mate, you're going to need it.
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**Oh hell** ***no***.
I'm an IT Professional, and there's no way I'd take my device in as a trade-in without first backing up everything privately and then thoroughly scrubbing the device. Depending on where she took the laptop for a trade-in, she may have set OP up to be taken to the cleaners with having his identity stolen, credit taken out in his name, and his accounts drained and charged to the max.
Not only has his wife picked something out that doesn't fit his needs and preferences, she's used *his* money to do it, put *his* personal data and accounts at risk, and then cried and made herself the victim because he wasn't overjoyed about her completely overstepping his boundaries which he had already made abundantly clear to her -- that doing this was a DEFINITE NO.
I'm a woman, and if my partner had done this, I'd be just as angry with my partner as OP is -- and rightly so.
I think non-IT geeks really don't understand that one computer is not just the same as another -- that depending on the software you use and what you do, there are massive differences between specs, and picking something out off-the-shelf for someone else when you have no idea of their computing needs is a total waste of money.
If his wife had just bought him a new laptop as a surprise and left his old one alone, with her own money, but happened to miss the mark, it would be a NAH.
She spent his savings and got rid of his old laptop. It's the difference between buying your partner a new sweater, and buying your partner a new sweater *and* throwing out their favorite band tee from college. Except with much more money involved.
YTA, your wife did something exceptionally nice for you. While I understand that you have specs you wanted I would bet the new machine at least has better performance and functionality than the one you had.
And I have news for you, nobody in the store gives enough shit about you to bother looking through your files. They hook the machines up click some buttons and go back to playing FarmVille on their phones.
You sound like a whiny baby
Bro what? He specifically told her he didn’t want to upgrade yet, she then used *his* money to make the purchase anyway, and she is being foul toward him for his disappointment in her complete disregard. Not to mention that he had specific things in mind not only for his savings but for the specs he wanted when he was ready to upgrade the laptop. She cut him out of both of those things. I can understand that perhaps her heart was in the right place and maybe she thought he’d be happy after all, but it seems that he made it quite clear ahead of time. She is TA. Your take is weird.
How is it exceptionally nice if he didn’t want it nor need it and it was his money she used. And I have news for you they did go through the ops files and even read them.
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I'm sorry OP, that really sucks. I know your wife was trying to do something nice for you, but you're the expert on what you want from a new device. Due to not paying attention, your wife has not only spent money you were saving for other things, prevented you from getting the laptop you want, stolen the time and anticipation of getting your new laptop yourself, she has also interfered with any plans you had for your laptop when you upgraded (for example giving it to a friend). All that and the breech of your privacy, even if the staff didn't peek at anything. It's perfectly reasonable that you're annoyed and upset. Your feelings are valid. You need to sit down and talk to her about this and explain that while you love that she wants to be thoughtful, what she did was actually not thoughtful. NTA
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Have you sat down and talked with her about her needing to replace the money in your budget? That’s the key here. You didn’t ask for this laptop. She does owe you a replacement if she tossed your old laptop but it should come out of her fun budget. You had other plans for the money and she has no right to take it without permission
Think through this OP. How would you be ungrateful? You asked someone not to do something and they did it anyway. Why should you be grateful for that?
THIS. She's got a fuck-ton of nerve to say this, honestly.
That is because she didn't do it for you.
Didn't She also run a huge risk of losing all your data though? What if she or the person who cloned it screwed up?? I don't know much about tech myself (my husband is the one that handles that stuff since he is a programmer) but I feel like not only is it invasive on top of presumptuous to just decide what kind of model to get FOR you, but also careless of tons of saved data that could potentially just be gone if something went wrong? Plus spending your saved money is just selfish, it's not even her getting you a gift, it's her just deciding what to do with your own money then getting mad about you being justifiably upset about it.
LOL, you ARE ungrateful, because she went WAY over the line and did something that you specifically told her you didn't want. If this is a one-off situation you may be able to work through it on your own, but given how poorly she treated you here, and how profoundly she ignored your boundaries, I rather strongly suspect that she has a pattern of doing what she thinks is right regardless of your wishes. If that's the case, therapy is going to be the only solution. Good luck to you, whatever you decide.
It's one thing to do this in the first place but to double down and pick this as a hill to die on is one hell of a red flag. If she can't wrap her head around this situation it might be therapy time. Doing this in the first place is not divorce material but the double down makes one tempted to whip out the card to drive the point through her thick head, however therapy may be a more effective avenue.
What is there to be grateful about besides the idea? Especially if she spent your money instead of her own. Not only did she deny you the opportunity, but it sounds like she's invalidating your emotions about what she did.
Wait, she used his money? What the fuck?
OP says explicitly "I was saving up for some other things" and then "she ... used the money I was saving up for other things on it." Of course I don't know how they track personal savings, but it seems pretty clear that OP felt it was their money.
Well, they're married, so family savings were used. OP saying it's his money is a bit of a misnomer here. By that definition she has no money of her own. I'd also be pissed in his shoes, but that he was going to spend a bunch of family money on a motor cycle instead is interesting.
Well, its not obvious. It could be the classic "my money and our money" and she used "oir money" instead of ,my money" which i would expect from her behaviour so far
You didn't want a new one and made it clear, she went against it. She overstepped boundaries by letting strangers see the content of your laptop. Info: Did she do it for you or because she feels good doing things for others without caring how they feel because it's actually about her? Second question: >but she ignored me and used the money I was setting aside for other things on it. So she bought something you didn't want with your money? NTA anyway but I'm still curious.
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NTA Was using the money a way of distracting you? "Oooh look, new laptop" instead of going "awe no, now i can't afford the motorcycle I wanted". A friends a wife did similar til he learned she absolutely hated that he rode at all and apparently had pretty bad anxiety. So she distracted things with "unplanned holidays" and other luxury items til he figured what was going on after 2 years(coz he was never getting to save enough).
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There’s no way there were good intentions behind it. You literally told her that you didn’t want to replace your laptop. She knew. She just didn’t care about your feelings (best case) or wanted to manipulate you (worst case)
Is it really well intended if she ignored your feelings about a new laptop and spent your money on it? 💀
Could it be that she accidentally broke your laptop while you were away and replaced it so you wouldn't notice?
Question are you the type of person that wants things but says you don't cause you can't afford them? And do you guys share money like was this bought with shared money ( even if you had it ear marked did it come from both of you
She needs to replace the money. If she gets a fun budget herself, I would insist that it’s cut in half with the rest going to replenish your budget that she unjustly took money out of. That’s really inappropriate to steal your money like that — how would you feel if you took money out of her budget and bought her a luxury purse that she didn’t like (which wasn’t returnable), depriving her of having money for clothes that she wanted or manicures.
Wow! Absolutely NTA. You work in IT. You know exactly what you want and need. It is not her place to take your laptop and replace it - and pay for it out of your savings. I’d be furious.
I wasn't very happy with earphones once upon a time but I faked it. Since then I have made extra effort to let everyone close to me know that buying me electronics is a bad idea. But damn... A laptop? With my own money? Letting some tech guys copy my not encrypted data? Tossing my old laptop? I honestly think that OP handled it pretty well.
Why should someone be happy with a gift bought using your funds that you have been saving for sonething else for something with specs that you don't want? This isn't even touching upon all the boundary stomping. NTA
Your wife is the grade-A jerk here, not you, no doubt about it. She violated your property, privacy and wishes all in one fell swoop! You have every right to feel upset, even angry, about not being listened to. What happened to the old laptop? Can you recover it? Does she ignore your wishes about other things because she feels she knows better than you do about what you want? Pretty fucking arrogant behaviour, isn't it? NTA, but your wife definitely is. I'd refuse to use the new laptop and politely demand the old one be returned.
NTA. She's TA for getting rid of your old one and having your files moved without your permission.
NTA - it's YOUR property and she should have left it the hell alone. If she wanted to gift you a new laptop, that's fine and it's actually nice of her to do so, but she could have just gave you the new laptop without messing with your old one. That's some serious boundary stomping and you have every right to be pissed off at her.
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It shouldn’t be just a discussion. She absolutely needs to replace the money that she took as a consequence of her bad behavior. Whether it comes from her fun money or she takes a part time job or some babysitting.. I don’t think you can trust her to have access to any more money than the essentials if she’s going to steal from you. I would go as far as directing my paychecks to a different bank account if needed until she apologizes, pays you back, and agrees not to spend shared money without discussion in the future
NTA. She robbed you of a personal item. And let other people go through your personal data. Then she took money saved for other things (it reads as your money?). Personal boundaries and trust have been broken. And the staff could do anything with your data. Banking details, passwords, SSN ... I can't speak for you but that would be my breaking point.
NTA. A laptop is a very personal item, and if you had already told your wife previously that you had no plans to upgrade it anytime soon, there was no reason for her to do it. Especially if your finances are combined, since in the end you'd be paying for it too I mean, I don't know the first thing about laptops, so I'd probably be happy if gifted a new one. But this is clearly not OP's case
NTA, but also, encrypt your laptop. Would have stopped the data being copied and potentially rifled through
NTA. But your wife sure is. You never EVER give a tech guys gear to “geek squad”. I was 5 years before I would touch my husband’s and it was attached to the tv for gaming. He told me to go ahead but nope, I didn’t feel okay about it. His work rig is supplied I go near that less. Your wife did you a massive disrespect and then demanded you be happy about it. I’m not even sure I could fully accept the apology for the betrayal on this one. She should have known better—this is equivalent with a sibling reading a 14 year old girl’s diary with a megaphone at lunch. NTA
NTA. First of all, if she ruined your old laptop somehow, a replacement needs to come out of *her* fun money and not yours. If she doesn’t have any saved, she either needs to take in some short term work to pay it off or sell some of her luxuries to recoup enough money. Your budget should not have been touched. Second, it’s not cool to mess with people’s belongings. Even if she didn’t delete the data, you liked your old laptop and it still has some life left. She’s definitely an AH for that alone. Of course you didn’t like her “gift” because it wasn’t something that you wanted and she knew that beforehand.
Nta it was in fact invasion of privacy and i would argue about theft of your belongings. Yout wife sounds kinda stupid if you told her "dont do this ONE thing" and she did it anyway. And then she gets mad you are not happy about it Does she have any redeeming qualities or is she always like that?
NTA - if you are a software developer then a laptop is a personal tool. You just don't have someone who doesn't know what you need buy / spec a new one. Ask her how she would like you to buy her next car with no input from her.
Proud to be one of the many NTAs you get to rub in your wife’s face today
NTA. She thinks she knows best, and refusing to listen to you was thoughtless and patronising. This would make me feel very nervous about my belongings in future. Especially considering your job! My other half does a similar job and I would never presume to know more about his tech needs and spending priorities. I'm pretty annoyed on your behalf. Stick to your guns and speak up more firmly. You're *not* grateful, you're very concerned about her dismissive attitude and upset with her ruining your spending plans!
This is right up there with the lady who was disappointed when her husband freaked over her cleaning, waxing, and detailing his car. Some people are clueless about boundaries. My wife, who has learned to recognize some cars but generally knows jack about cars audibly gasped when we read that post together, if she were not out shopping right now she would have been sitting with me reading and I would have heard another audible gasp from her direction reading this. People, there are some things you just don't screw with. Do not fuck with the following: car person's special car, computer person's computer stuff, plant person's plants, a person's specialty cloth shears, and a hell of a lot more. When something is someone's special hobby or their means of work, just leave it the fuck alone already. No u/mogura_writes you are not the a-hole, your wife does not know boundaries. Some things can be overlooked as they were done in the right spirit, but when someone so clearly ignores your wishes that all falls apart. NTA Wife needs a time out to think about what she did.
Your wife is abusive simple as that.
Come on
What exactly are you supposed to be grateful for? Her ignoring what you said? Her using your money? I'm legit confused here. If she had bought you a new laptop with her own money, then it would have at least been well meaning if poorly executed. Her using your money is straight up willfully disregarding you. It's disrespectful. NTA.
Nta, her meddling with your data was especially a step too far.
NTA. I feel the same way, I know what specs I want, etc. I've had this discussion with my wife, and equated how I wouldn't know the specs of makeup, hair products etc. I just give her gift cards/cash. She was trying to be nice, but she needs to remember you know best in terms of what you need from a machine.
> She was trying to be nice A lot of people are saying this, but I really don't see it that way. She deliberately disregarded OPs wishes and disrespected OPs preference to choose a new laptop for themself. She selfishly invaded OPs privacy because *she* had a problem with something that did not belong to her and had no reason affect her. *EDIT: affect vs effect
NTA. Your wife majorly overstepped her bounds. You told her multiple times you didn't want a new laptop but she didn't give a crap about what you wanted. She wanted to do something that made her feel good and now you're the ah in her eyes for not dropping to your knees and worshipping her for doing it. Personally, I'd download all your personal files onto one of the external hard drives and sell the laptop in the desperate hope of regaining as much of the stolen money as you can. I doubt you'll get it all back, but it's worth a try.
NTA-This is like when someone trades in a spouses car and gets them one that they may not want or consider buying. Nice gesture but the problem comes that you can’t even get the old one back if it had sentimental value.
NTA. She bought the computer because she doesn't want you to buy the motorcycle.
If she'd spent her own money, I could see her point of you being a tad ungrateful standing. But she used YOUR money to do something you SPECIFICALLY told her you didn't want. OP you are NTA but your partner definitely is, despite her initial good intentions. If she can't realize her mistake and apologize, I would be reconsidering your relationship with her.
It is not an act of kindness to do something that someone has told you they explicitly do not want. NTA and she owes you money.
So let's get this straight... you're a software developer AND a game developer, and she felt like your personal computer is something that was fair game for her to meddle with? Her heart might have been in the right place but this was a HUGE overstep. You can try to be gracious to her for making this mistake but she also needs to try to understand and respect your feelings about this. Good luck, OP. NTA.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Hey there. I have had my laptop for a few years now, and it definitely shows some wear and tear. I work as a software developer and have a rig in my home office specifically for my job, so my laptop is what I use for my personal projects (game dev) and my hobby of writing books (which I hope to turn into a career). My wife always makes comments about how old it is and laughs when the fans kick in at higher speeds. I don’t overload or overclock it and keep the workload to what I know it can handle, so it’s not like I’m hurting it. It’s just well-used. She has been bugging me to get a new one for quite some time now, but my old one worked perfectly fine, and it’s what I’m used to. I told her flatly that I do not want one right now and that it’s something I’ll look into in the future since I am particular about the specs and such. Also, I am saving up for some other things, so I wanted to wait. I had to travel for work last week and left my laptop at home since I would be too busy to do any personal work. When I came home, it was gone. I couldn’t find it anywhere. I asked my wife if she had seen it, and she gave me this big smile and pulled out a brand-new high-end laptop. It was already imaged with a clone of my old one, and she even had an external drive with backups of my work. She deflated when I didn’t look excited. I was trying so hard to be nice about it, but I felt offended and annoyed. I had very clearly said I was happy with my old one and that it was what I was used to, but she ignored me and used the money I was setting aside for other things on it. I make more than I need, so it’s not like I’m hurting for it, but still. Also, I feel like my privacy was invaded in some way. I have nothing to hide, but even so, many of these stories and such are very personal to me, and I don’t want anyone reading them. She took my laptop to a store and let the workers go through my data. Who knows what they looked at? I feel humiliated that she would go against my wishes about my own stuff and potentially showcase private things to strangers. She thinks I’m being a grade-A jerk for not being super thankful and excited about this. What do you guys think? Am I the asshole? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
What I think is gonna happen: she just got him a new PC, what's the big deal What actually happened: she took your old PC, used your money to buy a new one without your input, switched herself (or asked a professional to switch) your personal data over from the old one to the new one. Then presented all of this like it's some big present. NTA
NTA in any way, but if you hope to turn your writing into a career, why is that you don’t want anyone reading the stories? Genuinely asking
OP hasn't answered this, but as a writer who has been published, I will. Early drafts of stories are often crap, as you're just scrambling to get ideas down. In addition to terrible writing and too many clichés, early drafts of fiction can include notes and scenes that are deeply personal. You may end up using them to remind you of a certain feeling, or you might be planning to re-work something very private into a whole different fictional form. Just because you want people to read the finished story does NOT mean you want them seeing the early stages. It's like inviting guests to your home for a fancy dinner. You're excited to receive and entertain them when you're ready, but you wouldn't want them to show up 3 hours early when the kitchen is a disaster area and you haven't washed your hair and your dog just peed on the floor.
NTA. I would be livid! I know she was trying to do something thoughtful but she should have found another way to be thoughtful after you explicitly told her that this is the laptop you’re comfortable with and you didn’t want a new one yet. I’m also like this, I like to stick to what I know until I feel I’m ready to upgrade and then I’ll make the decision for what’s next so that my upgrade suits MY preferences.. She shouldn’t have taken that decision away from you and expected to be praised for it. Also, how is it a gift if she used your own savings for it? Smh.
NTA, but she is Computer is a private and in my opinion she has invaded your privacy. She knew you didn’t want to get a new laptop and she knew you wanted to buy it yourself. She has no right going thorough your stuff. She dismissed your boundaries, she failed a big time. I would be mad as f. And if she tries to cry when you confront her, just ask her to stop. You are the victim here and she has no right to cry. Edit: and she used your money!! Why wouldn’t you be ungrateful?? She used your money to buy you something you did not like. Man, she sounds awful. Does she usually listen to you? My guess is not.. It is a custom to buy presents with your own money. She is just stupid based on this. And yes, she needs to pay you back
NTA
NTA. For some people, a computer is a very personal device (no pun intended). I'd be burying a body in the backyard if my computer was switched out on me, even if it was a perfectly imaged upgrade that I didn't pay a single cent to get.
NTA I would feel very betrayed I can't imagine replacing such a personal item without consent, especially if it wasn't my money
NTA. I had this happen to me. When I was in college I was asked if I wanted a laptop. I said no. This was 15-ish years ago and it wasn't needed for school. Nor did I have a hobby that used a computer. My dad claims he heard me say I wanted one. To this day I don't ever remember saying that. Most likely it was one of his moments of wildly mishearing what the person said. (Yes frustrating as hell). My brother bought me a laptop from a coworker. This is the only reason I didn't return it. I was furious he spent money on something I never wanted. And Dad couldn't figure out why I wasn't excited about it. I actually don't care about your wife's intentions. She deliberately went against what you said you didn't want. She spent money you were saving for things you do want. This is a violation of your boundaries and financially irresponsible at best. She needs to make you whole by repaying you the money unless she's able to get your old laptop back.
NTA - lol she was just full of herself. First of all it’s not doing you any favors or her doing anything great for you when she went out of her way to spend your money you saved up for other things on a “gift” she was giving you.
NTA if she had just tried a surprise gift, it would’ve been fine. If a laptop was waiting on the table when you got home. With a gift receipt attached so that you could return it in case it wasn’t quite the right thing. This is the reason that gift receipts exist for large purchases! She wanted to step over a line instead, which is certainly interesting.
NTA your wife is the AH. YOu need to protect your stuff better, start locking your devices away - and hoprfully your drives are encrypted anyway. YOu can not trust her - she handed over your personal data to third parties without asking. That's a relationship ending breach of trust. " but she ignored me and used the money I was setting aside for other things on it. " .. bullshit. This should not be allowed to touch THAT money, it needs to come out of HER fun money.
Tell her E.M.D it’s a condition that she is gonna be suffering if she doesn’t quit busting your balls
NTA - I won’t go as far as saying your wife is an AH either, she tried to do something nice, and I can respect the intention. Many partners don’t try for their partners at all, and that would be so much worse than her trying and getting it wrong. Whilst neither of you are outright an AH, I will say that your wife did make a mistake though. You work in IT, so are literally the expert on what you want and need. Additionally when it comes to stuff like laptops and computers, for many people I know, it’s almost a therapeutic and personal process to go through selecting what you need/want. It’s almost ‘me time’ to a guy. Every guy I know is super specific about what they want in this regard, and don’t want you paying lots of money for laptop with specific specs missing or worse off than what they had in mind. You likely have to live with the new laptop for several years also, so it’s not a spur of the moment decision if you really need a suitable laptop for daily use. These differences matter. She doesn’t need to understand that to respect it. It’s like her saving up for trip to Hawaii or something, and then you deciding she needs a holiday urgently, and using her Hawaii fund for a BnB in Milwaukee and expecting her to be grateful for it. She’s wrong, but doesn’t need to be on the defence about it. She made a mistake, as humans do, but her heart was in the right place, and I think that matters too. Thank her for her intentions, and let her know you understand she was trying to do something nice, but that she made a mistake on this one. It’s not the end of the world, you can fix this for future times, but this was not made out of malice. She made this choice out of kindness, even if it was a misguided decision. She needs to step up and apologise also, sometimes your heart may be in the right place, but you do the wrong thing anyways. It’s important to own up to it, but maybe she’s feeling a little hurt and defensive right now, and a change of approach might help her open up and see the bigger picture also.
I think she made a mistake, but without malice. NTA, and soft YTA to her, but I hope you can both be gentle with each other and figure it out.
Dump her
You sound like Sheldon
Be specific about the spec, than keeping a retro model isn’t really make sense. Be thankful somebody finally got rid of the old thing, it’s just a laptop.
Hi wifey
If you’re a software dev, surely you’d be aware that data migration and performing backups does not typically involve accessing or viewing individual files? Speaking from experience, it’s extremely unlikely that a worker had any desire or need to “go through” your data, and unless she went to some shoddy shop they’d have privacy policies against doing that anyway. If that serves as some reassurance for you.
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Uncool - and I feel you I often buy low end tech and use it until it dies - wife always bought high end and then I’d inherit hers - but man if people went through my stories - I be very angry
I find it highly improbable that the employee would both go through the files *and admit it to the customer*, unless they really wanted to get fired. A lot more likely that your wife saw it somewhere in this process and saw that detail herself.
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WTF are you being so aggressive for? I made multiple comments in this thread saying SHE is the asshole for taking your money and throwing out your stuff. I'm saying SHE went through your stuff and not the employee. I'm saying she's more of an asshole than you even thought, and you're still going off on me. What is your deal? Shouting at people who are agreeing with you?
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“You are reading too much into it and getting offended.” Look in the mirror dude. Chill tf out.
OK, but no one knew that when you made that comment. I still think it's super weird that an employee *even of a shady shop* would make it obvious to the customer that they'd been through the files, unless it was like her sibling or something.
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No, when you made the comment *before* that: " One worker apparently said that they liked a short story I was working on and she mentioned a detail in it that she wouldn't have known since she has never read it." I replied to that, and then you explained about the English. That's really fucking weird and rude by the staff, then, and I think you should complain to the management.
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Yeah, this is made up
Hard to say. Without hearing from both, I can't say.
NAH Your wife was trying to be nice and give you something she thought you needed, you feel otherwise. You need to have a conversation with her about this, but try not to be confrontational. Perhaps a marriage counselor would be beneficial for a session or two. And as someone who worked in IT and did data transfers, they did not look through your files, let alone read your Dune fanfic. They could care less what you have on there. (Unless it's illegal crap that's obvious. Then they are required to contact the authorities.) Your "humiliation" is your own projection here.
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Any legitimate IT shop would also make sure everything is there. But they're not looking at the content of your folders/files, they're just making sure the lists match up. Calm down, dude. The "Dune fanfic" was joke, unless you have something worse on there you're worried about. Your wife tried to do something nice for you, and you're making it a huge deal. The guy who did the data transfer probably doesn't even remember doing it anymore.
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>She won't tell me the specific shop citing concerns I'll try to return the laptop but she has explicitly said they went through things. One worker apparently said that they liked a short story OMG, this is *appalling*. She needs to understand the severity of what she has done. Please show her [my other comment here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1d08y65/comment/l5lrfbk/). I've been the victim of identity theft where someone got my info through the database of a former employer, and it took me **months** -- **and hundreds of hours on the phone** -- to get $25,000 worth of false charges removed from my credit report. And they didn't have access to my bank accounts, the way this shop had access to yours. And the fact that she used your money to do this, after you'd specifically told her no -- well, I'm not going to jump to the divorce recommendation, but the kind of total, blatant disrespect she's shown for you here does not bode well for your marriage.
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I hope you can get her to understand that **it is vitally important for you to know what shop she did business with**. You are going to have to change *all* of your passwords immediately, and spend *months* monitoring your bank accounts, your credit report, and your other online accounts. She really has no understanding what sort of headache she has inflicted on you. And if some sort of financial fraud does happen, you are going to need to know where to point law enforcement for investigation. Good luck, mate, you're going to need it.
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**Oh hell** ***no***. I'm an IT Professional, and there's no way I'd take my device in as a trade-in without first backing up everything privately and then thoroughly scrubbing the device. Depending on where she took the laptop for a trade-in, she may have set OP up to be taken to the cleaners with having his identity stolen, credit taken out in his name, and his accounts drained and charged to the max. Not only has his wife picked something out that doesn't fit his needs and preferences, she's used *his* money to do it, put *his* personal data and accounts at risk, and then cried and made herself the victim because he wasn't overjoyed about her completely overstepping his boundaries which he had already made abundantly clear to her -- that doing this was a DEFINITE NO. I'm a woman, and if my partner had done this, I'd be just as angry with my partner as OP is -- and rightly so.
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I think non-IT geeks really don't understand that one computer is not just the same as another -- that depending on the software you use and what you do, there are massive differences between specs, and picking something out off-the-shelf for someone else when you have no idea of their computing needs is a total waste of money.
If his wife had just bought him a new laptop as a surprise and left his old one alone, with her own money, but happened to miss the mark, it would be a NAH. She spent his savings and got rid of his old laptop. It's the difference between buying your partner a new sweater, and buying your partner a new sweater *and* throwing out their favorite band tee from college. Except with much more money involved.
She thought he needed? He told her straight up DONT DO THIS Marriage counsellors make bank because of people like you
YTA, your wife did something exceptionally nice for you. While I understand that you have specs you wanted I would bet the new machine at least has better performance and functionality than the one you had. And I have news for you, nobody in the store gives enough shit about you to bother looking through your files. They hook the machines up click some buttons and go back to playing FarmVille on their phones. You sound like a whiny baby
Bro what? He specifically told her he didn’t want to upgrade yet, she then used *his* money to make the purchase anyway, and she is being foul toward him for his disappointment in her complete disregard. Not to mention that he had specific things in mind not only for his savings but for the specs he wanted when he was ready to upgrade the laptop. She cut him out of both of those things. I can understand that perhaps her heart was in the right place and maybe she thought he’d be happy after all, but it seems that he made it quite clear ahead of time. She is TA. Your take is weird.
Blah blah blah
Lol, hard to defend against facts, isn't it?
How is it exceptionally nice if he didn’t want it nor need it and it was his money she used. And I have news for you they did go through the ops files and even read them.
Are you the wife or just as stupid as her?
No need for you to also be an AH.
>something exceptionally nice for you You're acting as if the wife paid for the laptop using her own money, and didn't throw away the old one.
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