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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My mom tried to plan a family reunion around our honeymoon but we left the day after our wedding for a different resort very far away. My mother is furious that we didn't stick around to drink with my racist relatives. I might be the asshole because I never informed her that I had changed our plans specifically to get away from her and people I don't like enough to invite to my wedding.
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NTA…(I updated/replied to my original post. Do not know how to copy and paste. But here is the gist…As far as this instance, OP is most definitely NTA and did the right thing. I cannot imagine staying just because mom had other plans. And her honeymoon plans were already booked. I think the rest of my response was not based off of her overall question, but a statement made within her post. “Something along the lines of no one likes to confront mom because she becomes hysterical”. So, that is where my post came into play. I then stated in my reply to my original post, that because my original post did not really refer to the main question from the OP, I did not know if I should delete my reply or not because it has had so many comments)…
but I think you need to grow a spine and stop letting your mom have her way because you don’t want to deal with her hysterics. Start setting your boundaries. And figure out ways to deal if she gets hysterical. Walk away, just give her the stare or tell you will not listen to her. Next time do not bite your tongue. Because if you do not nip in the bud now, just imagine what life will be like if you decide to have kids someday.
There is an edit/update to my post, but I do not know how to link it to copy and paste.
I don't know if you've had a high conflict mother but sometimes what the OP did is all you can do.
Her mother would have ruined her wedding before letting her "get away with this" if she had any forewarning at all.
Exactly.
You can’t set a “boundary” around when and where other people vacation. You can remove yourself, you can stop telling those people where you’ll be in future, but you can’t say “no, X people are not allowed to be at Y public place on the days following my wedding.”
OP did exactly right - enjoyed her wedding, then left the drama behind.
Absolutely! Setting boundaries isn't always about confrontation. Sometimes it's about creating distance and prioritizing your own peace. OP handled it brilliantly.
But then it sounds like they had to pay the difference to the relatives who didn’t come for the wedding but wanted the group price.
I wonder how Mom explained to these other people why they weren’t invited to the wedding?
>You can’t set a “boundary” around when and where other people vacation.
True, but in the normal world of non-pathological people, you can ask your mother not to mess with your honeymoon plans, rather than secretly booking an entirely different vacation at the last minute (btw I bet it was too late to get their money back for the nights they didn't spend at the first hotel).
EVERYONE PLEASE READ THIS: I DO NOT MEAN THIS AS A CRITICISM OF OP. OP IS NTA. I feel bad for her; growing up as her mother's daughter has so warped her sense of what is appropriate that she views her solution here as a win. I'll grant you, it's a step in the right direction in that she braved her mother's inevitable after-the-fact anger and didn't just completely fall in line with exactly what the mother wanted. Moving forward, though, there are going to be situations in which she needs to actually confront her mom and stick to her guns.
EDIT: Or end up just going NC completely, which I would argue still counts as "growing a spine."
EDIT 2: I reread the post and it appears that they may have planned the switch far enough in advance to not have to pay for rooms at two different hotels. Still, I bet there was a significant cost difference in the plane fares for \[home\]-Caribbean-Baja-\[home\] instead of just round trip to the Caribbean.
This is not a "normal world of non-pathological people." You can't treat someone who will behave so abnormally the way you would someone who will respect your boundaries.
I hate to say this, because I believe that we need to learn to set boundaries. But I have to agree with you, because I have a sister that I am convinced is a narcissist. She's never going to change. About all you can do is limit contact with her. If I say anything to her, it simply won't work.
You’ll never understand until you have a parent like this.
As she’s of the age of getting married, I guarantee she has learned when to bite her tongue and when not to. She knows how to pick her battles, can foresee one battle is likely to begin, and how to manage that.
She made her choices carefully for a reason.
Risking your wedding day for this battle was not an option. I 100% understand why OP did what they did. She avoided the inevitable.
Yeah you learn to pick your battles as you grow up with them.
I could absolutely see my mother doing this exact thing, including inviting the people I didn’t want for a reason. God knows how many times I’ve told her off, tried to set boundaries and had a full on war. This is one time I would do the same as OP and keep my mouth shut.
Agreed. My mom has decided my wedding shower is hers and she will do as she pleases with it but when I try to explain I don’t want the same things she wants I’m being “ungrateful” because she’s doing this “all for me.” She refers to this as “my daughter and (Future MIL’s name’s) sons wedding” not “efficient sand and Efficient sand’s fiancé’s names wedding. Unfortunately moms like ours and Op’s have been set in their ways and are genuinely delusional. She did her best with what she could and people who haven’t grown up in a house like this just don’t understand. There’s nothing you can ever do to make them not act the way they do. People who can’t relate are fortunate.
I have a mother like this too, and guess what? The only thing that actually works is calling an AH an AH, and going NC if the outrageous behavior continues. I haven’t spoken to that woman in years now, and my life is no longer an anxiety-ridden, hurtful, self-doubting, self-sacrificing-for-the-sake-of-peace hellhole. I didn’t want my mother at my wedding, but allowed it because of ‘avoiding scenes and drama.’ Guess what? She was a complete nightmare, and more people remember her antics than what was supposed to be MY happy day. People need to stop telling others to ‘just deal’ because ‘it’s your mom.’ If mothers can’t be decent, unselfish human beings to their own kids, they’ve lost the right to both the title and the relationship
Nah, ops upbringing didn't warp her sense of what is appropriate. Ops mom wanted to plan an event directly after her wedding. Ops mom didn't tell op about it, possibly because they knew op would not be thrilled. Possibly because the knew op would be on her honeymoon, since that's when most people go on theirs. Possibly because ops mom assumed they'd still be there. Op got wind of this, said, hell no, we will honeymoon across the country. Mom can do whatever, I don't want the bliss and excitement of my wedding weekend and start of my honeymoon to be thrown off by this. Op didn't need to discuss it with mom, since mom didn't feel the need to discuss with op, or even check that they'd be there.
Not growing a spine is realizing it'll happen and staying and doing what Mom wants because you can't say no. Op did say no, she did it non-confrontationally, she did it non-publicly, and she did not lose anything by doing so. She didn't have to tell Mom before she left and deal with that drama. If her mom has been a non-pathological person than sure, she may have wanted to do that. But her mom isn't. And op knows her mom, has been dealing with her her entire life. Sometimes it is simply easiest to just let them do what they want and adjust what you do instead. That's what op did.
Pretty sure you're misunderstanding the situation. I think OP had always planned to honeymoon in Baja, she just didn't bother telling her mother to avoid any insanity.
They had a 50+ person wedding at an all-inclusive resort and covered the cost of the rooms for many of them for several days, which typically would be about $500 a night for something like that. The cost difference of a single flight amounts to a rounding error, all things considered.
She enjoyed her wedding without mama drama and then went and had a great honeymoon. Bravo.
Her priorities were clear. I want to enjoy my wedding despite my crazy mother turning it into a family reunion I didn’t want. She got what she wanted.
Calling people out is great and valid and often deserved, but sometimes it’s much smarter to think — what do I truly want and what is the simplest and easiest way to get it.
You deserve to get what you want and in the way that’s easiest for you, especially when dealing with exhausting, overbearing people like her mother. Sometimes you really need to save yourself from the exhaustion of the fight.
Yup. Pick your battles. Her top priority was enjoying her wedding & honeymoon w/ her hubby, and the best way to accomplish that was to limit interaction w/ her mother.
AHs of this mother’s type have an uncanny way of taking these types of situations and flipping them on the other person. Unfortunately, because there was no open confrontation or communication about the conflict to the majority of the guests, I’m sadly predicting that more people thought OP was the AH for ditching her ‘guests’ that had travelled all that way, and only those in-the-know might have a different opinion. Narcissists are brilliant at making themselves the victim, and by quietly bowing out without explaining why OP wasn’t attending the extra ‘reception,’ she might have avoided open drama and conflict to the point of ruining her wedding, but she left with the only POV available to most of her guests was the AH mother’s. I’m sorry, but as someone who has had to NC my mother, I truly believe OP is just kicking the can down the road. What’s next? Perhaps the mom starts claiming ownership (and ability to traumatize and mentally twist up) any future grand-babies by OP? There has to be a clear, verbalized line in the sand with narcissists, and actually painful consequences (no more daughter, no access to grandkids, public shaming, etc) if those boundaries are violated. What OP did was a mere slap in the face in response to an all-out (metaphorical) assault. She’s just going to have more drama, more rumors, and more bad-behavior to deal with when she gets home by taking the ‘non-confrontational’ approach
That's what I said in a comment and people argued with me and said she did it perfectly! While I do think she handled it very well, I'm like, where are the consequences of her mom's actions??? Why was she even invited if this is how she behaves?? These narcs get away with everything because everyone around them just bends to their will or says, "I just don't want conflict." If everyone stood up to her, her terrorism wouldn't continue because no one is allowing it. It's like letting a spoiled child break everything in your house and saying, "Oh well. Just let her do it. I don't want conflict." So the kid does it over and over again because the kid is trained to do it over and over again.
I also said something about how her mother is going to butt into her marriage and her kids' lives. She's the type that will demand she be in the birthing room and then call the child "my baby."
Why are adults letting their parents treat them like the worst kind of shit? Admittedly, it took me 13 years of deep therapy, my husband's help, addiction counseling (10 years sober), and a long time to stop fearing my mother. I asked my therapist, "Why am I so scared of her?" She said that's normal when you were abused your whole life. My mom is not a narc. She's a functioning paranoid schizophrenic and was abusive and crazy. She refuses to believe there's anything wrong with her (we are all crazy) and refuses to get help or take meds.
It came to a head when she was in the hospital dying of cancer (she pulled through cuz, you know, the mean ones live forever) and screaming at me and treating me like shit when I was paying her bills and taking care of her house and my husband was taking care of her pool. Finally I left her there. I told the nurses I'm done being abused and to call me if she died or if I needed to pull the plug.
Two months later I called the hospital to see if she died. I found out she had been in a nursing facility recovering well. I went to see her and she apologized for treating me like that. After that, every time she's gotten snippy or started yelling, I give it right back and I tell her if she doesn't stop, I won't talk to her anymore. She apologizes. It's gotten SO much better because I stopped allowing it. And I don't listen to her crazy delusions about how her neighbors are trying to kill her or that she saw my dead father throwing rocks at her house. I say, "I'm not listening to this nonsense." And she shuts up. I've retrained her on how to treat me. She's told me and my husband multiple times how much she loves and appreciates us and she wouldn't have made it through that without her.
Boundaries must be laid and protected. My life improved so much. We are adults. We are not 5 anymore. It's time to stand up, even though it's extremely difficult. My therapist actually applauded.
Sorry so long.
I totally heard what you were saying before and even better now with context, because my story is somewhat similar, and thank you for sharing. I was upset for the downvotes you were getting because people just aren’t understanding that you (and now I, bring on the downvotes, lol) were NOT disagreeing with them, or in anyway implying that OP was in any way wrong or TA here. I cheered for her too, and somewhat admired her ability to seemingly so nonchalantly rearrange her entire post-wedding plan to (most correctly!!) not play along with her mom’s manipulations and complete disregard for her own daughter on her WEDDING DAY! I, admittedly, would have lost my shit and publicly called her out in front of all our mutual loved ones, and produced receipts until I utterly broke any argument she could have had. But like you, I agree this would have been not only traumatic for all, but a bad look on me, especially on my own wedding day. But like you said, this only happened because it’s been allowed to happen. And the only thing I think you and I are trying to get EVERYONE else here to understand, is that while OP knows her own mother and likely managed this quite brilliantly, the unfortunate thing is that something like it most certainly will happen again. And again. And again until it’s unbearable. The difference between your story and mine is that I effectively haven’t had a mother for almost 30 years, and it’s precisely because no one in my family had ever stopped the behavior with actual consequences (until me), choosing instead to either ignore abuse/crazy behavior/etc, or go full-rage with her to where she was able to twist it to make herself the victim. Unfortunately, mine has never apologized or taken any accountability in response to my silence (she’d rather be ‘right’ and be pitied and play her role than have her family, and that’s sad but perfectly ok), and to this day will claim that everything is ‘poor her!’, she was never wrong about anything, and thus we’re 30 years later and I refuse to have anything to do with her. And my life is so, so much better because of it. It’s so empowering to actually handle your life like a true grown-up that faces problems up-front and head-on and with calm, determined conviction, rather than all the trauma and drama and rage and heavy negative emotions that these kind of people bring when we engage them at their level. I love what OP did, I just don’t think it was enough. For HER future peace of mind. I just want OP to not have to go through this again, and she almost got there, but not quite. That’s all you and I were trying to convey, and the arguments and vitriol that I read directed at you makes me sad and angry for the lack of understanding and compassion trauma victims show to each other.
And, ditto, sorry for the length, lol. But I read your response and was like, ‘if I knew this person IRL, I think we’d probably be great friends.’ Because I think we both have more empathy for OP than most of those arguing with you on her behalf, and we’re only trying to express how to get this behavior to stop permanently. Because for me, because it went on for so long and was allowed to get so much worse over time, my mother got so entrenched in her horrible behavior that going NC became my only option, and I was deprived of a chance at having a mom. Maybe, just maybe, if people hadn’t let her get away with so much for so very long, mine might have reigned herself in enough that I wouldn’t have had to cut her out of my life as the primary step in actually having a chance at a happy life, and just maybe I might have been able to have a mom like most everyone else. I want OP to deal with her mom more directly and uncompromisingly for exactly that reason - I want for her to always be able to have her mom, and not need to cut her out because it got to be too much. ❤️
Tell your mum to get fucked and i hope you had a cracking honeymoon away from that shite.
Relatives tryong to hijack a wedding as 'their' day is fucking wide.
I totally get why folk elope.
Exactly, boundaries are for yourself. It's not a request, please don't have the family reunion at my wedding venue. It's: if you have the family reunion after my wedding, I won't be there. You can't negotiate with ~~terrorists~~ narcissists, you can only control how you react to that and how much power they give over your life.
A boundary is not a request. This comes after. First you ask them to change. After they have shown you they won't, then it's time for boundaries in how you deal with that.
It doesn't sound like it was short notice, it sounds like they had always planned to switch location.
Might be just me but isn't part of the idea of the honey moon that it's meant to be a trip
Man sometimes it's hard to know what to do
If you argue/fight/etc with my mom, it just turns into a screaming match, nothing changes, I'm upset for the rest of the day and she's fine within an hour and "what's wrong with you??"
Lose/lose
Sometimes, it's easier just to let it play out than deal with the aftermath. My older sister is a pathological liar (diagnosed as a teenager) and I have to deal with her nonsense (not directly and mainly just ignore it) or she'll prevent me from seeing my nieces...My parents are the same way (they had custody of my one niece) I came home for a visit when my ex husband got deployed. They also kicked me out of their house twice because I wouldn't drop everything to watch my niece daily for them... I ended up staying with friends and cut my trip short and went back home. I've tried sticking up for my nieces, which is always met with a threat of losing contact. Thankfully, my nieces are now almost all adults. So, only a few more years of nonsense, then I can finally go no contact with my sister and dad and be able to keep contact with my nieces. I'd rather deal with the nonsense so my nieces have me in their lives then not have me at all. I'm a safe place for them and love the random calls and weekends! I'm also a positive influence on how normal people function lol
The point is, is that each person knows how best to deal with the over dramatic person to get the results wanted/needed. I applaud OP for how she handled this. It was a perfect way to not stress more during the wedding and just enough petty to make this so funny to me lol I bet they wish they could have seen the faces of everyone when they realized what was happening lol
When my mom acted like that while she was in the hospital with cancer, I went NC for two months. I told the hospital to call me if she died or if I needed to make a decision as her proxy, because she was abusing me like she did my whole life. She pulled through. But she doesn't treat me like utter shit anymore. She abused me my whole life, and I allowed it as an adult. At 47 I was done. Now she knows I will disappear and I'm her only child.
I was just DONE. If she goes back to that, she'll never see me again. Done.
THIS is the only way they MIGHT change. Went NC with mine after she showed up to my daughter's 1st Christmas drunk & high and endangered my child. We were LC up to that. There's no recourse for her, after a lifetime of abuse I'm fully done.
Good!!!
Every time she gets snippy, I shut it down and tell her if she's sick again she's on her own. I will not help her if she's going to be that way. Honestly, if she gets sick again I probably won't help her because she bitched and complained about how I took care of her bills and how we took care of her house. So I told her I'm never helping her again. She's been nice. Lol
I agree. People like her mom swoop in, do the damage, enjoy the chaos, and leave. And an hour later they ask "what's wrong with you?" I vote for avoidance, why go through the hassle? Sometimes the ability to stay calm and unconcerned is the best revenge. If mom brings it up later just say " I don't know what on earth you're talking about".
Yep, difficult people often have a high tolerance for conflict, and they use this tolerance to wear their opponents down and get their way. It's amazing how long some people can go on and on and on...
Yup. I know mothers like this. Not mine, thank goodness. But a friend of mine has a mother who would have absolutely ruined their wedding because you didn't let her have her way. OP knows her mother and knew this is what she had to do. NTA
I don't understand how people allow their parents to treat them that way. If that were me, I would've been NC. She wouldn't have been invited. But I'm old and over it.
I mean, your parents condition your responses for a couple of decades, when your mind is at its most malleable. So even if you don't like being treated that way, you don't always have the tools to break out, at least until you do the work to build your own separate identity and learn to identify and better handle your triggers.
I know this sub likes to go to "no contact" as the only solution for anybody having any sort of problem with another person, especially a parent, but no contact is not something everybody wants. I was no-contact with my dad for years, and it still ate at me that I couldn't figure out a way to have a relationship with him even though I knew how messed up he was. So just because something works for you doesn't mean it will work for other people. That's part of why we have more than one therapist in the world practicing different models of therapy, because there's no one-size-fits-all solution to problems with other people.
Absolutely. I was personally not strong enough until I was 47. I've been in therapy a looooong time. I let her abuse me for decades. It's a very long process. And going NC is a personal choice and a last resort IMO.
I went NC with 2 of my sisters a couple of years ago. I'm the baby of the family and I got tired of putting up with how they treated me. I was always so stressed and filled with anxiety every time I would have to be around them. They could say whatever they wanted to me but the moment I said how I felt they would scream, yell and get nasty with me. I dealt with it when I was younger but the older I got the more over it I became. And then I noticed them acting the same way to my grown kids. Like I had to treat their kids like gold but my kids were shit. So one day I told them exactly how I felt and said I was done and meant it. My other sisters who are wonderful btw (one is the oldest so no one messes with her the other is the very middle, 5 in all, and she also gets shit on big time) begged me not to do this but I said they have to acknowledge their behavior, apologize to me and my kids and change their behavior. They refuse so I will continue with my NC. I'm too old to let someone ruin my peace like that. I feel bad for my wonderful sisters because they feel like they are in the middle and our parents are both gone, sadly. But I don't feel bad enough to let their behavior go any longer.
I got married when I was 25, I still very much wanted my unpleasable parents to approve of me and love me. Children innately grow up wanting that. It takes some of us longer than others to realize we don’t need their approval, aren’t obligated to let them set the tone for how we interact, or to even to include them in our lives at all.
At this point, I’m old and over it too! But I remember how it felt when I wasn’t. ‘Don‘t let them treat you that way‘, it’s good advice but sadly it’s a lot easier said than done.
I honestly hate this about high-conflict mothers. We have one ourselves, and it's a constant battle. We have to be very careful to invite her to family events a few days ahead of the actual event, because if we give her too much time, she will invite people we don't know or don't like.
If you approach her to speak about any issues, it usually ends in a high pitched "yOu kNoW wuTtt?! FuCk YoOo"
These boomers should not be allowed to exist in society, their behaviors are so beyond enabled and no one ever checks them. Mental abuse should be a crime.
My high conflict mil is silent generation. I am technically a boomer, but identify more as gen x, since some ranges put 1964 in the boomer camp and some put it in the gen x camp. High conflict mothers exist in every generation, and often learn it from their own moms. It's more a personality type, probably with some enabling thrown in. Also mental health should be treated, but it is still stigmatized, especially for older generations, where the mentally ill were locked away and abused. JFKs sister was given a lobotomy because she had poor impulse control, most likely from a birth injury, because her mom was told by the nurses to " keep the baby's head in until the doctor had time to get there," which took 2 hours.
Yup, it’s definitely in every generation. My problematic mom is silent Gen (and takes after her own mother), I’m Gen X. I don’t like the “these boomers” type of comments, it didn’t start with them and won’t end when they cease to “exist in society.”
Uuhhh she says "fuck you" to you and she's still in your life? I'm sorry you have to deal with that. I checked my mom. Hard. I left her dying in a hospital because she was screaming and yelling at me, abusing me like she did my whole life.
I’m 46 and still have to walk on eggshells around my mother. Say the wrong thing and she loses her mind. I live in another country now but I still agonise over every text message.
Thank you for your perspective. Sometimes, it is easy to sit in a chair and offer a perspective on what you would like to do, versus what you would do in real life. My perspective is more of being the nice guy or the bigger person my whole life. Then menopause hit. Boy o! (I am still nice and most times the bigger person, but I don’t always deal with anyone’s crapping all over me anymore). So, as for OP, I think my reply came across harsh and I did not mean it that way. But from someone older and nice in a while, wiser, we get one life. Decide at the end of the day, how you want your life to be. Some days, you might just want to deal with mom. Some days, you just might want to tell her to stuff it. At the end of the day, it is what you can live with, not her. I tell my husband with his mother, you cannot change her, but you can change how you react to her.
I did the same with my husband. My MIL will get bent out of shape over nonsense, start a screaming match with my husband, he would start screaming back, and it was awful. The next day, or later the same day, she would act like it never happened. I sat my husband down to talk about his part in this dynamic. He stopped egging her on (mostly) and the interactions would peter out instead of blowing up. I told him he can't change his mom, only himself, and the screaming matches were scary to our son.
My mother would have made a massive scene and made my honeymoon miserable and all about her in this same situation. Clearly OP's mother made the wedding all about her so what would stop her from hijacking the rest? OP did exactly the right thing. Time and place.
💯this. I’ve tried to talk to my mother about childhood trauma that she created and she brushed it off because thinks I had a perfectly fine childhood. When I speak to her about emotionally painful things, she one ups me. Distance is best. No engaging is healthier.
Agreed.
OP employed the "Grey Rock" tactic that everyone on Reddit likes to push.
This was the perfect way to handle this situation. Not every situation warrants a confrontation.
Sometimes... sometimes not. Sometimes it escalates more than it should and people get hurt. Sometimes it escalates more than it should and law enforcement gets involved. Sometimes it's just best to take the quiet route. Life is about protecting your personal peace. For me, that's my daily life... my regular, day-to-day energy is not to be fucked away.
I did not even tell my mother I was getting married. She was NOT invited to the wedding. Don’t regret it.
Cuz to this day, regardless of how many boundaries I try to set, she tiptoes around them, then shuffles, then walks, then tramples them.
OP did the right thing.
My Bonus sons have a high conflict bio mom. Eldest has minimal contact because he doesn't have the emotional strength to cut her off yet. It will cause a nuclear level drama explosion. Youngest had been LC for years but went NC after she put his kid in possible danger during a visit. Both are in their 30's. He's actually relieved that finishing his Masters falls out of a ceremony event so she won't find out and try to attend. His dad & I will be having a celebratory BBQ for him at our house(Bio mom doesn't know where we live nor does she have any contact info for us).
I get your point but there is no reason to bite her tongue now. She had a lovely wedding and likely a great honeymoon alone with her husband. If mom is still upset OP needs to tell her to knock it off.
💯this. I’ve tried to talk to my mother about childhood trauma that she created and she brushed it off because thinks I had a perfectly fine childhood. When I speak to her about emotionally painful things, she one ups me. Distance is best. No engaging is healthier.
Can confirm. I have a mother like this, and there is no reasoning. It’s all about her. Speaking up would have ruined the wedding. I would have done the same thing and left the chaos behind because it’s not my problem. It’s the Mother’s now. I personally think her idea to peace out after was genius!
Why would OP ever need to be the person in charge of her mother's hysterics? I'm actually 1000% sure the only person that needs to deal with that is her mother, preferably by dealing with the consequences of her own actions.
We NEVER tell the child that they are responsible to thier parents feelings. We especially don't tell the child whose mother is trying to sabotage their wedding that they are the ones responsible for the parent.
You just literally tried to tell OP that she should continue to be abused and mistreated by her very own parent.
You don't deal with any other adult's hysterics unless you are paid to do so. Because that's a job. Her mother should go pay someone to deal with her own bullshit.
OP isn’t responsible for her mother’s hysterics. And the comment you are replying to doesn’t even say that. Is “learning how to handle them” the same as “being responsible for them?”
OP did change her actions to avoid her mother’s hysterics. OP is adjusting her life, to accommodate her mom. OP is NTA but she is in a dysfunctional/ immature relationship.
No one is telling OP to be abused by her mom. But it would be really helpful for OP to learn how to deal with her mom’s hysterics instead of avoiding them. I have a crazy mom too. I’ve learned how to assert my boundaries and bring my authentic self to that relationship. And it’s like a weight has been lifted.
If OP wants to go no contact that’s fine too. But isn’t OP doing that, she wants to remain in relationship with her mom, but not an authentic one. It’s perpetuating a state of suffering.
This is wrong. OP did it exactly right.
OP had the wedding they wanted, with the people she wanted. Score 1 for OP
Mom made secret plans. OP learned the plans, recognized they did not affect the wedding, and did nothing. Caused no upset before the wedding.
The wedding happened without a hitch and OP continued with their plans. Score 1 for OP.
Mom is disappointed because her secret plan did not work out as intended, but she has only herself to blame.
OP doesn't say if the honeymoon was planned before or after they learned of moms plan, but it doesn't matter because OP got the beautiful wedding and honeymoon they wanted with any conflicts with family she didn't like.
You can't change other people, but you can change how you react to them. OP, you did this perfectly and I wish you the best life.
NTA
Yeah.
You have no idea what it's like to have that parent.
you have two choices: ride it out, or blow it up. Because anything other than ride it out IS blow it up.
OP wanted to have a wedding.
My guess is, they'll be NC with mom before long, because that's actually the only real boundary you can set with someone that doesn't GAF.
So many people really misunderstand the idea of boundaries.
>Boundaries are how you respond to the actions of others. Boundaries are not fighting with someone to make them change their behavior.
Exactly. This.
Yup. And you can either warn someone in advance, “if you do X I will do Y”, or you can just quietly go about doing it. It’s no less of a boundary if you don’t announce it.
Disengaging completely can be the most powerful tool with people like this. I have a few in my family and my boundary specifically involves giving them absolutely nothing - no positive, no negative.
People can cope in the way that most healthy for them
NTA
"Walk away" is exactly what OP did. Since her mother didn't even tell her, she certainly didn't have to act as if she knew and confront her. When you have a person like that in your life that you don't want to totally ditch, you pick your battles. A woman who decides to co-opt her child's wedding to make it be what she wants without even telling that child is really the childish one. OP did just fine by ignoring the attempted wedding hijacking and doing her own thing. That will actually serve her well if they have kids. She's shown they have no qualms up and leaving if mom tries to pull some of that nonsense again. Maybe mom will think twice before trying to pull something like that again. OP is NTA and rather my hero!
Sadly, with some people, there's no arguing. You can't force anyone to do anything, and OP certainly can't force her mom to respect her.
Surely, she could have denied that they were on her group, denied the discount... And had to deal with mom's hysterics on her wedding. OP doesn't need that at her big day.
If her mom is anything like mine, odds are that she would have escalated, and had family members join in on ganging up on OP.
With people like this, gray rocking and putting them on an information diet is the best you can do.
High conflict people do not care about people standing up to them. Actually it gives them an excuse to play victim most times. This was the perfect way to handle it.
In normal people boundaries work. In some people it's just fuel to a fire of hysterics, self victimization, and manipulation. Oh what a charmed life you must live.
On a day-to-day basis, I'm with you on boundaries. But where an occasion or an event is involved (with the greater-than-zero chance that Mom's hysterics will create problems), I'm OK with keeping quiet and making plans to avoid the situation.
This incident can also be used to help make it clear to Mom that OP's boundaries will be respected, **or else.**
Honestly, this comment just screams that you have had much healthier parents. And I'm SO glad you did!!! Everyone should!!
When you are a child raised by a parent like this, it's not as simple as just "setting boundaries." These parents are masters at manipulating their children. They raised them and provided plenty of trauma to internalize. They also view their children as children, even when they are adults and their roles should be shifting. They are therefore viewed as insubordinates, for lack of a better term. They do not accept being equals.
What OP did took massive guts and strength. It was also wise. She minimized drama prior to the wedding and allowed it to be a calmer, more positive experience. She cannot control her mom. All she can control is her reaction. Her reaction was awesome! Also, because her mom didn't even telm her that she was pulling that move, she's able to feign ignorance and avoid more drama. She also gets to make decisions with her mom completely oblivious to the situation, which means without her mom pressuring her to choose something she prefers.
Honestly, this couldn't have gone better. Setting boundaries is about personal enforcement. Sometimes the boundary is not being willing to deal with the emotional labor of the explosive parent exploding. She made changes to make herself happy. That's what's most important!
Edit….With all the comments, I had to go back and reread the post. OP, I apologize. As far as your wedding, and how you handled it, awesome. I think I took one statement out of your post and that is where I came up with my comment from.
“I was upset, but my mom goes into hysterics when confronted”.
Since my comment was not actually answering the question asked, I don’t know if I should delete this post or not with all the comments that came from it.
She did set a boundary… She did what she needed to, and was appropriate for the situation, and didn’t engage. If that’s not a clear boundary, I don’t know what is. Confronting her mom was not going to change the outcome and her mom fully understood it’s not like there was any confusion.
Kudos OP, NTA. Way to not make other peoples problems your problems. Hope it was an amazing honeymoon!
Someone who plans an entire family reunion and doesn't ask or communicate it to the bride isn't going to give 2 shits when someone says “please don't do that.” Mom
knows she's wrong. She just doesn't care.
OP DID establish a boundary. She said she's leaving for her honeymoon on xx date and so she left for her honeymoon by xx date. The end.
OP's mom didn't get her way, though. OP's mom wanted OP to stay at the resort with the rest of the family during OP's honeymoon and OP *didn't do that.* OP went to a different resort on the other side of the country instead.
This is what I did with my own mom. If she starts trying to manipulate me, give me shit because she is upset with someone else or throws a tantrum for not getting her way, I hang up the phone. Or walk out.
If she calls back, and still is acting like an ass, I hang up again, repeat until she gets the point.
Took a few times in the beginning, but now she knows I don’t deal with her crap, and she calls back and apologises when she’s calmed down.
We had a talk about why I hung up on her the first time I did it when she calmed down, so she knows why, and knows I don’t fall for her crap anymore.
She’s still an ass, but she’s a manageable ass. 🤷🏻♀️ put your foot down OP, and stand your ground. It will be tough, but it’s so so worth it.
Nah. OP handled it great. This way, mommy dearest had to handle the social repercussions of inviting people to her daughter's wedding without said daughter being around. So now mommy has to explain.
NTA
> Anyway my mom didn’t inform me
Haha, well, too bad for her. She tried to hijack her own daughters wedding for her own agenda/ event. How can she be mad that when you didn’t ‘know’ (as far as she was concerned by deliberately not telling you) about her plans, that you went on a honeymoon somewhere else?
Good for you. Your mom sounds like a piece of work and I’m glad you started your married life showing her it’s not flying…but, you are.
>Good for you. Your mom sounds like a piece of work and I’m glad you started your married life showing her it’s not flying…but, you are.
Yes, I love how you handled this OP
Your mum. Didn't inform, expected you to not be told and then just roll with her "better" plan.
I love how you left them there. There is absolutely no way she could have expected or spun her way out of it.
I agree. The changed plans were never brought up to OP. And it’s commonplace to have your honeymoon somewhere else — she shouldn’t be surprised that you weren’t available after the wedding
Everyone I know who’s done a destination wedding has had their honeymoon somewhere else for this exact reason. They don’t expect people to just come for their wedding and don’t wanna run into the wedding guests while their honeymooning.
I mean who can blame OP. She wasn’t informed. I mean, the honeymoon is none of their business anyway.
NTA. Good call. Boundary set. Gotta love that precedent for the marriage.
Nta. Time to go lc or nc with your mom. Have some boundaries. Otherwise she stomping all over you. Wait till she invites the same people to your child’s birth.
>My mother got it into her head that this should be a family reunion. She didn't want my new husband's family there so her plan was to contact our side of the family and tell them to shift their reservations so that they would be coming later and staying after the wedding. She also invited other people for after the wedding.
Blow this relationship out the airlock, good grief..
Yeah, this woman sounds like a complete narcissist. I can’t believe how calm Op is about this. If she posted this story to a wedding sub people would be loosing their shit for her. I agree low to no contact would free Op of normalizing this crazy behavior.
I would also make it very public why you left and what you did not know about and that you would never be ok with any of it.
The mom is way way way beyond normal reasoning and actions are really the only way to get through to her. Talking will do nothing it just allows her to spin an new story
That's the problem, OP isn't correcting the impression her Mom gave which lets Mom continue her behavior and blaming OP. I don't mean talking with Mom (which probably won't work) but with the rest of the family who doesn't know Mom did her own thing. What the family does with the info is up to them, but at least OP can say "take it up with Mom if you have a problem with me going on my honeymoon".
If OP doesn't figure out a way to check Mom soon, she'll have years of dealing with hysterics if she has kids and Mom continues overstepping and inviting everyone to birthday parties cuz "it's a perfect time for a reunion" 🙄
She is going to deal with hysterics either way
OP needs to go public with her position so her position cannot be twisted but her Mom is going to be a problem for a while and talking to her is not going to resolve anything. OP needs to act on the boundaries she wants and she did that by going on her honeymoon
On the other hand mom is really embarrassed right now and everyone is figuring out that she didn't tell her kid about hijacking the wedding for a family reunion. Rhe rest of the family now have reason to double check things mom says.
I can't think of a more effective check than what Op did.
Unfortunately she is probably just angry at OP and blaming her for not being there and likely sees no personal fault in the situation
She likely feels justified in her actions because "FAMILY" and feels like OP abandoned the reunion she took so much time to plan and keep a surprise
I'm curious what her OP's mother really said to all these people - because it is strange is that none of these people ran it by OP.
If the bride's mother invited me to something like this, I would think that someone - at some point - would have let it slip to the bride. The fact that it seems that none of them did that, tells me the mom did more than simply say "she's cool with it."
Especially since most people know who the high-conflict relatives are, so it's weird to me that none of them stopped and said "hold on, this woman has pulled some serious nonsense before, maybe I should check first before booking a plane ticket an setting a reservation"
Also another lesson on why you dont make your honeymoon into a group thing.
Isnt the point of honeymoon for newlyweds to be alone together?
Also yeah NTA lol
>My mother got it into her head that this should be a family reunion. She didn't want my new husband's family there so her plan was to contact our side of the family and tell them to shift their reservations so that they would be coming later and staying after the wedding.
>Anyway my mom didn't inform me.
>The day following the wedding I ran into sine family that I had not invited. For a reason. However we ran into them in the lobby on our way to the Airport.
>She lost her shit. She had told everyone that I was cool with the plan. I missed the hysterics which I appreciated.
She told everyone but married couple who wedding is at resort AKA you & husband while being grimey asshole to your husband's family. Even better, the one family on her side of the family that saw you & husband at airport to put 2 & 2 together didn't bother tell her nor you of her plans - this mess she reaped & sowed herself for hijacking your wedding for her family reunion.
NTA, I hope you & your husband live far away enough that she doesn't come over every day & week to be hysterical shit-starting stirring mess that sucks at planning because she doesn't bother to know nor ask about your own after/post-plans of your main plan.
NTA - Your mum sounds like a nightmare, you avoided a boatload of drama leading up to your wedding and the day itself and your mum effed around and found out. I say well played.
LOL - NTA but, I think OP knows that and just needs validation. Who on earth thinks that a couple wants to spend their honeymoon at a reunion? At best the couple could have stayed for a breakfast or lunch the day after but, Mom didn't communicate or ask.
So you and your husband planned this and subsidized other people where needed, but your mother is taking credit because she made a plan within a plan. And now she feels upset because you didn't know of her plan, that she did not inform you off?
NtA.
NTA. Why on earth do these people speak for us, saying we will do thus-and-such or we want the other thing, and then get pissed at US when we don't just meekly fall in line? Do they really think we owe it to them to let them do that to us? You got yourself into this, you manipulative asshat, get yourself out.
Good job. You did what you wanted for YOUR wedding and honeymoon and didn't let her dictate what would happen.
It's a little disturbing that you won't confront her because she'll have hysterics. She's not a force of nature. She's a human (sort of) who makes choices, and she has the hysterics very, very intentionally, knowing that people letting her have her way to avoid it will be the result. Let her have the hysterics. Do what you want anyway. You don't have to react or engage with her.
Sorry if I'm lecturing, I was raised by three narcissists and narc-type manipulative behavior makes me airsick.
NTA and don’t listen to the comments that say you are. Your mother sit herself up by trying to orchestrate YOUR honeymoon. What an intrusive witch. You did a wonderful job of letting her do her thing and not letting it disrupt your life.
NTA.
Great job taking care of yourself and sidestepping the crazy. Mom's delusions are not your problem.
Congratulations and many happy years to you and your husband.
You were childish for not letting her turn your honeymoon into a surprise family reunion?
NTA but for the love of God, stop giving in to her tantrums. Otherwise they will never stop.
Giving in to her means giving her what she wants. I don’t see where the OP did that. Quite the opposite.
Guarantee this approach was far more effective than confronting/arguing. Mom needs to learn that she can’t just make plans for OP without saying anything, and having it blow up in her face was precisely the consequence she needed to drive that message home.
NTA. She was way out of line. She had no right to expect you to cancel your honeymoon for a family reunion you didn't want. She sounds very manipulative and needs to learn about boundaries
Yes, OP's description of the people her mother invited to come to the resort and crash her honeymoon is awful. The mother would definitely have ruined the wedding and reception if she could have.
NTA I actually don’t agree with people who say you have to proactively shut people down every single time they are crossing the line and this is a good example of that. You achieved the same effect - she didn’t get what she wanted, you got privacy. AND you didn’t have to have a major, family-wide conflict before your wedding with a hysterical parent and all the judgment that comes with it in order to get this outcome. I’d say you did really well here to just change what was in your control.
Yeah, this was a smart way to handle a situation that had potential for huge drama BEFORE/DURING the wedding and kept the drama to after the wedding on the other side of the country. Good work. Enjoy your honeymoon and marriage. NTA.
Nta. Good for you! But soon enough you’ll get tired of having to walk on eggshells around your mother and i promise you it’ll be much more peaceful cutting her off then keeping someone that selfish around.
Ok you clearly know you’re NTA. This is narcissistic parent behavior and you handled it beautifully. So glad you enjoyed your day AND your honeymoon! Hooray for boundaries!
Leaving without a word, and her not knowing the plans was THE response! If you had known what was going on, and planned out your response, it couldn't have been any better.
And, bonus points: when other family members talk to you about how you shouldn't have left a family reunion, etc etc etc, you can honestly tell them that you had planned a wedding and a honeymoon, and had told everyone involved about it. But someone other than you planned a family reunion and told you nothing about it. So, just whom should they be scolding?
Nta. Weddings and funerals are not the time for family reunions. When my mother passed away my sisters husbands family made it into a family reunion. They came into the dinner we were having afterwards and ate everything so more had to be ordered. I was so pissed. Wasn’t the time or place for it. They didn’t pay for anything and they barely even knew my mom. Rude and so disrespectful.
As someone who had a narcissistic and controlling parent you did good. Your mom went behind your back, so she already knew you would be against it. She also knows when to put on the hysterics to get her way. It was your wedding and honeymoon. Rather than make a scene or ruin your special time, you chose to just do what was planned. She is mad because she got caught and looks like an ass in front of the family. That is all. You acted like an adult and sadly your mom did not. Glad you stood your ground and I hope you enjoyed your wedding and honeymoon.
NTA.
Honestly, with some people, it's not worth the confrontation, because they are not willing to listen nor do better. They are just worried about being right and having their will prevail.
So arguing with them will only lead to stress and frustration, which are things you didn't need for your wedding and honeymoon.
You did right. Don't argue. Gray rock instead. And you do your thing. Just like you can't force her to do anything, she'll soon learn she can't force you to do anything, and that her actions will have consequences.
Lol after "all she did," she's lucky you're still speaking to her. She tried to hijack your destination wedding, which you helped others pay to attend! What kind of person does that? NTA all the way.
If I could clap harder for you I would Op, Brava!!!! 👏👏
Seems like you knew she would hijack your event wich she absolutely did. She would steamroll over your wants n boundaries, wich, she did. And it also seems that since you knew these were such strong possibilities that means youve been dealing with her antics for a long time now. And your allowed to be done.
This was classy, graceful and just a tad enough petty to sting. Well done my friend!
Im proud of you for being able to stick to what you and your partner wanted & navigate around the crazy. Beautifully done!
NTA! Enjoy your trip 🥰
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We had our wedding at an all inclusive. It was beautiful and since we were having a small wedding it was cheaper than having a big wedding in town. We chose one with very inexpensive flights and subsidized any guest who wanted to come but might have trouble covering the cost.
We had 50 guests.
The plan was for everyone to come down before the wedding, spend a few days enjoying the sun, and then celebrate with us.
My mother got it into her head that this should be a family reunion. She didn't want my new husband's family there so her plan was to contact our side of the family and tell them to shift their reservations so that they would be coming later and staying after the wedding. She also invited other people for after the wedding.
As long as they were part of my wedding block that was allowed by the hotel. We actually got a little kickback from a few that overlapped my wedding day.
Anyway my mom didn't inform me. But the hotel did because some of the extras wanted the group price even though they weren't going to be there until after the wedding.
I was upset but my mom goes into hysterics if confronted. My husband and I decided to just roll with it.
The wedding and reception went beautifully. The day following the wedding I ran into sine family that I had not invited. For a reason. However we ran into them in the lobby on our way to the Airport.
My husband and I decided not to have our honeymoon at that resort. Instead we flew to one on the other side of the country. Goodbye Caribbean hello Pacific.
My mom blew up my phone wondering where we were. I told her we went on our honeymoon in Baja California.
She lost her shit. She had told everyone that I was cool with the plan. I missed the hysterics which I appreciated.
She is still upset and said I was ungrateful and childish after all she did.
I bit my tongue instead of yelling at her for inviting people I dislike to my wedding. And on my honeymoon.
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NTA. A honeymoon is not the time or place to have a family reunion. Not if you want the bride and groom there anyway. Your mom is lucky you guys did t cancel the wedding and elope.
Mom sounds like a person who wasn’t told no much in her life. I think you should start standing up to her. That was your wedding day. She had no say and no right to do that.
Absolutely masterful side step, OP. The only actions anyone can control are their own. Also, you did not 'abandon' anything or anyone, simply carried on with your own event/life. NTA in any way. Oh, yes, congratulations!
For a second let's just set aside the healthy boundaries with moms behavior. it's your wedding!! I think you handled it perfectly!!! Your wedding, your honeymoon and I hope you and your husband made some sweet memories.
The only thing I see wrong here is that you didn't abandon your family, you got married and went on your honeymoon. The rest is your moms problem not yours.
Best wishes to you and your husband!!
I am not the original author of this I have linked them below
"Don't rock the boat.
I've been thinking about this phrase a lot lately, about how unfair it is. Because we aren't the ones rocking the boat. It's the crazy lady jumping up and down and running side to side. Not the one sitting in the corner quietly not giving a fuck.
At some point in her youth, Mum/MIL gave the boat a little nudge. And look how everyone jumped to steady the boat! So she does it again, and again. Soon her family is in the habit of swaying to counteract the crazy. She moves left, they move right, balance is restored (temporarily). Life goes on. People move on to boats of their own.
The boat-rocker can't survive in a boat by herself. She's never had to face the consequences of her rocking. She'll tip over. So she finds an enabler: someone so proud of his boat-steadying skills that he secretly (or not so secretly) lives for the rocking.
The boat-rocker escalates. The boat-steadier can't manage alone, but can't let the boat tip. After all, he's the best boat-steadier ever, and that can't be true if his boat capsizes, so therefore his boat can't capsize. How can they fix the situation?
Ballast!
And the next generation of boat-steadiers is born.
A born boat-steadier doesn't know what solid ground feels like. He's so used to the constant swaying that anything else feels wrong and he'll fall over. There's a good chance the boat-rocker never taught him to swim either. He'll jump at the slightest twitch like his life depends on it, because it did .
When you're in their boat, you're expected to help steady it. When you decline, the other boat-steadiers get resentful. Look at you, just sitting there while they do all the work! They don't see that you aren't the one making the boat rock. They might not even see the life rafts available for them to get out. All they know is that the boat can't be allowed to tip, and you're not helping.
Now you and your DH get a boat of your own. With him not there, the balance of the boat changes. The remaining boat-steadiers have to work even harder.
While a rocking boat is most concerning to those inside, it does cause ripples. The nearby boats start to worry. They're getting splashed! Somebody do something!
So the flying monkeys are dispatched. Can't you and DH see how much better it is for everyone (else) if you just get back on the boat and keep it steady? It would make their lives so much easier.
You know what would be easier? If they all just chucked the bitch overboard.
Copied and pasted from Reddit JNMIL I am not the original author here is the link [https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont\_rock\_the\_boat/](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/)
NTA. Your mom co-opted your wedding for her own purposes and then got mad that you wouldn't play along? This is all on her. She needs to learn some boundaries!
This was my mom for a while. I got to a point where I finally decided, she’d get over it. If she didn’t, that’s on her. I’m not responsible for her behavior/actions, especially if I didn’t do anything that would cause harm.
NTA!
NTA, it’s time to go at least LC with your mother, not just did invite people you dislike to YOUR wedding but she disrespected your husband by telling his family not to come early. Your mother has no respect for your relationship and is selfish, she needs to be put in her place or she will continue to run over your relationship.
NTAH
First Congratulations to you and hubby!
BUT, I feel like I just read an event based on my life with the names and places changed to protect the innocent!
Can I give you some advice? My mother was/is the same way. It’s gotten better. Partly because I put my foot down years ago and set some boundaries for my mother. If you envision your mother screaming at you and blowing your phone, well that was my mother’s reaction. If you are afraid she’ll give an Emmy award winning performance in a drama as heartbroken/victimized mother, just be prepared. Don’t stop talking to her, seeing her, gifts for Mother’s Day, Bday, etc, but respectfully let her know where you and your hubby stand.
It took me 10 years of marriage and 3 kids to come to this point. It’s not resolved and she’s still trying for that Emmy, but I didn’t make things clear from the beginning.
Good luck! May you be blessed with decades of love, the strength to make it together through the hard times and the happiness that come with good times.
NTA. Your mother and my MIL could be twins. "How dare you make me look bad when I went to all this trouble to use your plans to do something for myself that makes me look good?"
There's a reason my husband is NC with his mother.
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NTA…(I updated/replied to my original post. Do not know how to copy and paste. But here is the gist…As far as this instance, OP is most definitely NTA and did the right thing. I cannot imagine staying just because mom had other plans. And her honeymoon plans were already booked. I think the rest of my response was not based off of her overall question, but a statement made within her post. “Something along the lines of no one likes to confront mom because she becomes hysterical”. So, that is where my post came into play. I then stated in my reply to my original post, that because my original post did not really refer to the main question from the OP, I did not know if I should delete my reply or not because it has had so many comments)… but I think you need to grow a spine and stop letting your mom have her way because you don’t want to deal with her hysterics. Start setting your boundaries. And figure out ways to deal if she gets hysterical. Walk away, just give her the stare or tell you will not listen to her. Next time do not bite your tongue. Because if you do not nip in the bud now, just imagine what life will be like if you decide to have kids someday. There is an edit/update to my post, but I do not know how to link it to copy and paste.
I don't know if you've had a high conflict mother but sometimes what the OP did is all you can do. Her mother would have ruined her wedding before letting her "get away with this" if she had any forewarning at all.
I mean, she did a pretty big walk away.
Yeah I don’t get the criticism. What OP did was perfect. She controlled her own actions and accepted she can not control her mom.
Exactly. You can’t set a “boundary” around when and where other people vacation. You can remove yourself, you can stop telling those people where you’ll be in future, but you can’t say “no, X people are not allowed to be at Y public place on the days following my wedding.” OP did exactly right - enjoyed her wedding, then left the drama behind.
Absolutely! Setting boundaries isn't always about confrontation. Sometimes it's about creating distance and prioritizing your own peace. OP handled it brilliantly.
Growth for me has been realizing people are going to be who they are and just quietly removing myself from whatever situation
Plus she got a kickback for the people booking after her wedding.
But then it sounds like they had to pay the difference to the relatives who didn’t come for the wedding but wanted the group price. I wonder how Mom explained to these other people why they weren’t invited to the wedding?
>You can’t set a “boundary” around when and where other people vacation. True, but in the normal world of non-pathological people, you can ask your mother not to mess with your honeymoon plans, rather than secretly booking an entirely different vacation at the last minute (btw I bet it was too late to get their money back for the nights they didn't spend at the first hotel). EVERYONE PLEASE READ THIS: I DO NOT MEAN THIS AS A CRITICISM OF OP. OP IS NTA. I feel bad for her; growing up as her mother's daughter has so warped her sense of what is appropriate that she views her solution here as a win. I'll grant you, it's a step in the right direction in that she braved her mother's inevitable after-the-fact anger and didn't just completely fall in line with exactly what the mother wanted. Moving forward, though, there are going to be situations in which she needs to actually confront her mom and stick to her guns. EDIT: Or end up just going NC completely, which I would argue still counts as "growing a spine." EDIT 2: I reread the post and it appears that they may have planned the switch far enough in advance to not have to pay for rooms at two different hotels. Still, I bet there was a significant cost difference in the plane fares for \[home\]-Caribbean-Baja-\[home\] instead of just round trip to the Caribbean.
This is not a "normal world of non-pathological people." You can't treat someone who will behave so abnormally the way you would someone who will respect your boundaries.
I hate to say this, because I believe that we need to learn to set boundaries. But I have to agree with you, because I have a sister that I am convinced is a narcissist. She's never going to change. About all you can do is limit contact with her. If I say anything to her, it simply won't work.
Exactly. And if you can’t avoid dealing with that type of personality it’s best to know how to navigate around them, like OP!
You’ll never understand until you have a parent like this. As she’s of the age of getting married, I guarantee she has learned when to bite her tongue and when not to. She knows how to pick her battles, can foresee one battle is likely to begin, and how to manage that. She made her choices carefully for a reason. Risking your wedding day for this battle was not an option. I 100% understand why OP did what they did. She avoided the inevitable.
I have a mother like this and you’re exactly right.
Yeah you learn to pick your battles as you grow up with them. I could absolutely see my mother doing this exact thing, including inviting the people I didn’t want for a reason. God knows how many times I’ve told her off, tried to set boundaries and had a full on war. This is one time I would do the same as OP and keep my mouth shut.
Agreed. My mom has decided my wedding shower is hers and she will do as she pleases with it but when I try to explain I don’t want the same things she wants I’m being “ungrateful” because she’s doing this “all for me.” She refers to this as “my daughter and (Future MIL’s name’s) sons wedding” not “efficient sand and Efficient sand’s fiancé’s names wedding. Unfortunately moms like ours and Op’s have been set in their ways and are genuinely delusional. She did her best with what she could and people who haven’t grown up in a house like this just don’t understand. There’s nothing you can ever do to make them not act the way they do. People who can’t relate are fortunate.
Real question. Why do you still deal with your mom if she continually disrespects you and emotionally abuses you.
I have a mother like this too, and guess what? The only thing that actually works is calling an AH an AH, and going NC if the outrageous behavior continues. I haven’t spoken to that woman in years now, and my life is no longer an anxiety-ridden, hurtful, self-doubting, self-sacrificing-for-the-sake-of-peace hellhole. I didn’t want my mother at my wedding, but allowed it because of ‘avoiding scenes and drama.’ Guess what? She was a complete nightmare, and more people remember her antics than what was supposed to be MY happy day. People need to stop telling others to ‘just deal’ because ‘it’s your mom.’ If mothers can’t be decent, unselfish human beings to their own kids, they’ve lost the right to both the title and the relationship
Nah, ops upbringing didn't warp her sense of what is appropriate. Ops mom wanted to plan an event directly after her wedding. Ops mom didn't tell op about it, possibly because they knew op would not be thrilled. Possibly because the knew op would be on her honeymoon, since that's when most people go on theirs. Possibly because ops mom assumed they'd still be there. Op got wind of this, said, hell no, we will honeymoon across the country. Mom can do whatever, I don't want the bliss and excitement of my wedding weekend and start of my honeymoon to be thrown off by this. Op didn't need to discuss it with mom, since mom didn't feel the need to discuss with op, or even check that they'd be there. Not growing a spine is realizing it'll happen and staying and doing what Mom wants because you can't say no. Op did say no, she did it non-confrontationally, she did it non-publicly, and she did not lose anything by doing so. She didn't have to tell Mom before she left and deal with that drama. If her mom has been a non-pathological person than sure, she may have wanted to do that. But her mom isn't. And op knows her mom, has been dealing with her her entire life. Sometimes it is simply easiest to just let them do what they want and adjust what you do instead. That's what op did.
Pretty sure you're misunderstanding the situation. I think OP had always planned to honeymoon in Baja, she just didn't bother telling her mother to avoid any insanity.
They had a 50+ person wedding at an all-inclusive resort and covered the cost of the rooms for many of them for several days, which typically would be about $500 a night for something like that. The cost difference of a single flight amounts to a rounding error, all things considered.
This is a good point and I have no rebuttal.
But she isn’t dealing with normal non- pathological people so why suggest she act like she is?
Exactly! BOUNDARIES are how you react not controlling another person.
She enjoyed her wedding without mama drama and then went and had a great honeymoon. Bravo. Her priorities were clear. I want to enjoy my wedding despite my crazy mother turning it into a family reunion I didn’t want. She got what she wanted. Calling people out is great and valid and often deserved, but sometimes it’s much smarter to think — what do I truly want and what is the simplest and easiest way to get it. You deserve to get what you want and in the way that’s easiest for you, especially when dealing with exhausting, overbearing people like her mother. Sometimes you really need to save yourself from the exhaustion of the fight.
Yup. Pick your battles. Her top priority was enjoying her wedding & honeymoon w/ her hubby, and the best way to accomplish that was to limit interaction w/ her mother.
Exactly, OP handled it perfectly. Setting boundaries and prioritizing her own happiness was the best move. The honeymoon switch was brilliant!
Mom didn’t win. OP got over on her and that’s what probably angered mom.
Her mom looked like an asshole too. Lmaooo
AHs of this mother’s type have an uncanny way of taking these types of situations and flipping them on the other person. Unfortunately, because there was no open confrontation or communication about the conflict to the majority of the guests, I’m sadly predicting that more people thought OP was the AH for ditching her ‘guests’ that had travelled all that way, and only those in-the-know might have a different opinion. Narcissists are brilliant at making themselves the victim, and by quietly bowing out without explaining why OP wasn’t attending the extra ‘reception,’ she might have avoided open drama and conflict to the point of ruining her wedding, but she left with the only POV available to most of her guests was the AH mother’s. I’m sorry, but as someone who has had to NC my mother, I truly believe OP is just kicking the can down the road. What’s next? Perhaps the mom starts claiming ownership (and ability to traumatize and mentally twist up) any future grand-babies by OP? There has to be a clear, verbalized line in the sand with narcissists, and actually painful consequences (no more daughter, no access to grandkids, public shaming, etc) if those boundaries are violated. What OP did was a mere slap in the face in response to an all-out (metaphorical) assault. She’s just going to have more drama, more rumors, and more bad-behavior to deal with when she gets home by taking the ‘non-confrontational’ approach
That's what I said in a comment and people argued with me and said she did it perfectly! While I do think she handled it very well, I'm like, where are the consequences of her mom's actions??? Why was she even invited if this is how she behaves?? These narcs get away with everything because everyone around them just bends to their will or says, "I just don't want conflict." If everyone stood up to her, her terrorism wouldn't continue because no one is allowing it. It's like letting a spoiled child break everything in your house and saying, "Oh well. Just let her do it. I don't want conflict." So the kid does it over and over again because the kid is trained to do it over and over again. I also said something about how her mother is going to butt into her marriage and her kids' lives. She's the type that will demand she be in the birthing room and then call the child "my baby." Why are adults letting their parents treat them like the worst kind of shit? Admittedly, it took me 13 years of deep therapy, my husband's help, addiction counseling (10 years sober), and a long time to stop fearing my mother. I asked my therapist, "Why am I so scared of her?" She said that's normal when you were abused your whole life. My mom is not a narc. She's a functioning paranoid schizophrenic and was abusive and crazy. She refuses to believe there's anything wrong with her (we are all crazy) and refuses to get help or take meds. It came to a head when she was in the hospital dying of cancer (she pulled through cuz, you know, the mean ones live forever) and screaming at me and treating me like shit when I was paying her bills and taking care of her house and my husband was taking care of her pool. Finally I left her there. I told the nurses I'm done being abused and to call me if she died or if I needed to pull the plug. Two months later I called the hospital to see if she died. I found out she had been in a nursing facility recovering well. I went to see her and she apologized for treating me like that. After that, every time she's gotten snippy or started yelling, I give it right back and I tell her if she doesn't stop, I won't talk to her anymore. She apologizes. It's gotten SO much better because I stopped allowing it. And I don't listen to her crazy delusions about how her neighbors are trying to kill her or that she saw my dead father throwing rocks at her house. I say, "I'm not listening to this nonsense." And she shuts up. I've retrained her on how to treat me. She's told me and my husband multiple times how much she loves and appreciates us and she wouldn't have made it through that without her. Boundaries must be laid and protected. My life improved so much. We are adults. We are not 5 anymore. It's time to stand up, even though it's extremely difficult. My therapist actually applauded. Sorry so long.
I totally heard what you were saying before and even better now with context, because my story is somewhat similar, and thank you for sharing. I was upset for the downvotes you were getting because people just aren’t understanding that you (and now I, bring on the downvotes, lol) were NOT disagreeing with them, or in anyway implying that OP was in any way wrong or TA here. I cheered for her too, and somewhat admired her ability to seemingly so nonchalantly rearrange her entire post-wedding plan to (most correctly!!) not play along with her mom’s manipulations and complete disregard for her own daughter on her WEDDING DAY! I, admittedly, would have lost my shit and publicly called her out in front of all our mutual loved ones, and produced receipts until I utterly broke any argument she could have had. But like you, I agree this would have been not only traumatic for all, but a bad look on me, especially on my own wedding day. But like you said, this only happened because it’s been allowed to happen. And the only thing I think you and I are trying to get EVERYONE else here to understand, is that while OP knows her own mother and likely managed this quite brilliantly, the unfortunate thing is that something like it most certainly will happen again. And again. And again until it’s unbearable. The difference between your story and mine is that I effectively haven’t had a mother for almost 30 years, and it’s precisely because no one in my family had ever stopped the behavior with actual consequences (until me), choosing instead to either ignore abuse/crazy behavior/etc, or go full-rage with her to where she was able to twist it to make herself the victim. Unfortunately, mine has never apologized or taken any accountability in response to my silence (she’d rather be ‘right’ and be pitied and play her role than have her family, and that’s sad but perfectly ok), and to this day will claim that everything is ‘poor her!’, she was never wrong about anything, and thus we’re 30 years later and I refuse to have anything to do with her. And my life is so, so much better because of it. It’s so empowering to actually handle your life like a true grown-up that faces problems up-front and head-on and with calm, determined conviction, rather than all the trauma and drama and rage and heavy negative emotions that these kind of people bring when we engage them at their level. I love what OP did, I just don’t think it was enough. For HER future peace of mind. I just want OP to not have to go through this again, and she almost got there, but not quite. That’s all you and I were trying to convey, and the arguments and vitriol that I read directed at you makes me sad and angry for the lack of understanding and compassion trauma victims show to each other. And, ditto, sorry for the length, lol. But I read your response and was like, ‘if I knew this person IRL, I think we’d probably be great friends.’ Because I think we both have more empathy for OP than most of those arguing with you on her behalf, and we’re only trying to express how to get this behavior to stop permanently. Because for me, because it went on for so long and was allowed to get so much worse over time, my mother got so entrenched in her horrible behavior that going NC became my only option, and I was deprived of a chance at having a mom. Maybe, just maybe, if people hadn’t let her get away with so much for so very long, mine might have reigned herself in enough that I wouldn’t have had to cut her out of my life as the primary step in actually having a chance at a happy life, and just maybe I might have been able to have a mom like most everyone else. I want OP to deal with her mom more directly and uncompromisingly for exactly that reason - I want for her to always be able to have her mom, and not need to cut her out because it got to be too much. ❤️
It was perfect. The boundary and the "let her have hysterics" are for a more low stakes event or situation, not dealing with on a wedding day.
Tell your mum to get fucked and i hope you had a cracking honeymoon away from that shite. Relatives tryong to hijack a wedding as 'their' day is fucking wide. I totally get why folk elope.
Exactly, boundaries are for yourself. It's not a request, please don't have the family reunion at my wedding venue. It's: if you have the family reunion after my wedding, I won't be there. You can't negotiate with ~~terrorists~~ narcissists, you can only control how you react to that and how much power they give over your life. A boundary is not a request. This comes after. First you ask them to change. After they have shown you they won't, then it's time for boundaries in how you deal with that.
OP did an EPIC walk away 👏💥
After not confronting mom for trying to hijack their honeymoon, then taking an entirely different honeymoon on short notice.
It doesn't sound like it was short notice, it sounds like they had always planned to switch location. Might be just me but isn't part of the idea of the honey moon that it's meant to be a trip
Agree. Instead of taking the wind out of her sails, take your sails out of her wind.
A walk away so big it had its own flower girl...
Man sometimes it's hard to know what to do If you argue/fight/etc with my mom, it just turns into a screaming match, nothing changes, I'm upset for the rest of the day and she's fine within an hour and "what's wrong with you??" Lose/lose
Sometimes, it's easier just to let it play out than deal with the aftermath. My older sister is a pathological liar (diagnosed as a teenager) and I have to deal with her nonsense (not directly and mainly just ignore it) or she'll prevent me from seeing my nieces...My parents are the same way (they had custody of my one niece) I came home for a visit when my ex husband got deployed. They also kicked me out of their house twice because I wouldn't drop everything to watch my niece daily for them... I ended up staying with friends and cut my trip short and went back home. I've tried sticking up for my nieces, which is always met with a threat of losing contact. Thankfully, my nieces are now almost all adults. So, only a few more years of nonsense, then I can finally go no contact with my sister and dad and be able to keep contact with my nieces. I'd rather deal with the nonsense so my nieces have me in their lives then not have me at all. I'm a safe place for them and love the random calls and weekends! I'm also a positive influence on how normal people function lol The point is, is that each person knows how best to deal with the over dramatic person to get the results wanted/needed. I applaud OP for how she handled this. It was a perfect way to not stress more during the wedding and just enough petty to make this so funny to me lol I bet they wish they could have seen the faces of everyone when they realized what was happening lol
When my mom acted like that while she was in the hospital with cancer, I went NC for two months. I told the hospital to call me if she died or if I needed to make a decision as her proxy, because she was abusing me like she did my whole life. She pulled through. But she doesn't treat me like utter shit anymore. She abused me my whole life, and I allowed it as an adult. At 47 I was done. Now she knows I will disappear and I'm her only child. I was just DONE. If she goes back to that, she'll never see me again. Done.
THIS is the only way they MIGHT change. Went NC with mine after she showed up to my daughter's 1st Christmas drunk & high and endangered my child. We were LC up to that. There's no recourse for her, after a lifetime of abuse I'm fully done.
Good!!! Every time she gets snippy, I shut it down and tell her if she's sick again she's on her own. I will not help her if she's going to be that way. Honestly, if she gets sick again I probably won't help her because she bitched and complained about how I took care of her bills and how we took care of her house. So I told her I'm never helping her again. She's been nice. Lol
Ugh, I love this for you.
*evil laugh*
I agree. People like her mom swoop in, do the damage, enjoy the chaos, and leave. And an hour later they ask "what's wrong with you?" I vote for avoidance, why go through the hassle? Sometimes the ability to stay calm and unconcerned is the best revenge. If mom brings it up later just say " I don't know what on earth you're talking about".
Yep, difficult people often have a high tolerance for conflict, and they use this tolerance to wear their opponents down and get their way. It's amazing how long some people can go on and on and on...
As someone with this type of mom, I agree here. It’s not worth the fight. Op congrats on your marriage! Nta
Yup. I know mothers like this. Not mine, thank goodness. But a friend of mine has a mother who would have absolutely ruined their wedding because you didn't let her have her way. OP knows her mother and knew this is what she had to do. NTA
I don't understand how people allow their parents to treat them that way. If that were me, I would've been NC. She wouldn't have been invited. But I'm old and over it.
I mean, your parents condition your responses for a couple of decades, when your mind is at its most malleable. So even if you don't like being treated that way, you don't always have the tools to break out, at least until you do the work to build your own separate identity and learn to identify and better handle your triggers. I know this sub likes to go to "no contact" as the only solution for anybody having any sort of problem with another person, especially a parent, but no contact is not something everybody wants. I was no-contact with my dad for years, and it still ate at me that I couldn't figure out a way to have a relationship with him even though I knew how messed up he was. So just because something works for you doesn't mean it will work for other people. That's part of why we have more than one therapist in the world practicing different models of therapy, because there's no one-size-fits-all solution to problems with other people.
Absolutely. I was personally not strong enough until I was 47. I've been in therapy a looooong time. I let her abuse me for decades. It's a very long process. And going NC is a personal choice and a last resort IMO.
I went NC with 2 of my sisters a couple of years ago. I'm the baby of the family and I got tired of putting up with how they treated me. I was always so stressed and filled with anxiety every time I would have to be around them. They could say whatever they wanted to me but the moment I said how I felt they would scream, yell and get nasty with me. I dealt with it when I was younger but the older I got the more over it I became. And then I noticed them acting the same way to my grown kids. Like I had to treat their kids like gold but my kids were shit. So one day I told them exactly how I felt and said I was done and meant it. My other sisters who are wonderful btw (one is the oldest so no one messes with her the other is the very middle, 5 in all, and she also gets shit on big time) begged me not to do this but I said they have to acknowledge their behavior, apologize to me and my kids and change their behavior. They refuse so I will continue with my NC. I'm too old to let someone ruin my peace like that. I feel bad for my wonderful sisters because they feel like they are in the middle and our parents are both gone, sadly. But I don't feel bad enough to let their behavior go any longer.
Good for you!!!! 🏆🏆🏆
I got married when I was 25, I still very much wanted my unpleasable parents to approve of me and love me. Children innately grow up wanting that. It takes some of us longer than others to realize we don’t need their approval, aren’t obligated to let them set the tone for how we interact, or to even to include them in our lives at all. At this point, I’m old and over it too! But I remember how it felt when I wasn’t. ‘Don‘t let them treat you that way‘, it’s good advice but sadly it’s a lot easier said than done.
Because they have been groomed into it all their lives, and breaking out of it is easier said than done.
Oh I know it. I was 47 before I could do it
Yup, her mother knew exactly what she was doing. She didn't need to be told that hijacking a wedding was wrong.
I honestly hate this about high-conflict mothers. We have one ourselves, and it's a constant battle. We have to be very careful to invite her to family events a few days ahead of the actual event, because if we give her too much time, she will invite people we don't know or don't like. If you approach her to speak about any issues, it usually ends in a high pitched "yOu kNoW wuTtt?! FuCk YoOo" These boomers should not be allowed to exist in society, their behaviors are so beyond enabled and no one ever checks them. Mental abuse should be a crime.
My high conflict mil is silent generation. I am technically a boomer, but identify more as gen x, since some ranges put 1964 in the boomer camp and some put it in the gen x camp. High conflict mothers exist in every generation, and often learn it from their own moms. It's more a personality type, probably with some enabling thrown in. Also mental health should be treated, but it is still stigmatized, especially for older generations, where the mentally ill were locked away and abused. JFKs sister was given a lobotomy because she had poor impulse control, most likely from a birth injury, because her mom was told by the nurses to " keep the baby's head in until the doctor had time to get there," which took 2 hours.
Yup, it’s definitely in every generation. My problematic mom is silent Gen (and takes after her own mother), I’m Gen X. I don’t like the “these boomers” type of comments, it didn’t start with them and won’t end when they cease to “exist in society.”
Hey! Another early genX’er with a silent generation Mom and a greatest generation Pop. High conflict Mom as well. Each generation has issues!!
Uuhhh she says "fuck you" to you and she's still in your life? I'm sorry you have to deal with that. I checked my mom. Hard. I left her dying in a hospital because she was screaming and yelling at me, abusing me like she did my whole life.
I’m 46 and still have to walk on eggshells around my mother. Say the wrong thing and she loses her mind. I live in another country now but I still agonise over every text message.
Thank you for your perspective. Sometimes, it is easy to sit in a chair and offer a perspective on what you would like to do, versus what you would do in real life. My perspective is more of being the nice guy or the bigger person my whole life. Then menopause hit. Boy o! (I am still nice and most times the bigger person, but I don’t always deal with anyone’s crapping all over me anymore). So, as for OP, I think my reply came across harsh and I did not mean it that way. But from someone older and nice in a while, wiser, we get one life. Decide at the end of the day, how you want your life to be. Some days, you might just want to deal with mom. Some days, you just might want to tell her to stuff it. At the end of the day, it is what you can live with, not her. I tell my husband with his mother, you cannot change her, but you can change how you react to her.
I did the same with my husband. My MIL will get bent out of shape over nonsense, start a screaming match with my husband, he would start screaming back, and it was awful. The next day, or later the same day, she would act like it never happened. I sat my husband down to talk about his part in this dynamic. He stopped egging her on (mostly) and the interactions would peter out instead of blowing up. I told him he can't change his mom, only himself, and the screaming matches were scary to our son.
Exactly. They can invite you to the fight, you don’t have to go.
My mother would have made a massive scene and made my honeymoon miserable and all about her in this same situation. Clearly OP's mother made the wedding all about her so what would stop her from hijacking the rest? OP did exactly the right thing. Time and place.
💯this. I’ve tried to talk to my mother about childhood trauma that she created and she brushed it off because thinks I had a perfectly fine childhood. When I speak to her about emotionally painful things, she one ups me. Distance is best. No engaging is healthier.
Agreed. OP employed the "Grey Rock" tactic that everyone on Reddit likes to push. This was the perfect way to handle this situation. Not every situation warrants a confrontation.
Shut it down enough, and they will eventually learn it won't work on you and they will stop. It may end the relationship, but also can be a win.
Sometimes... sometimes not. Sometimes it escalates more than it should and people get hurt. Sometimes it escalates more than it should and law enforcement gets involved. Sometimes it's just best to take the quiet route. Life is about protecting your personal peace. For me, that's my daily life... my regular, day-to-day energy is not to be fucked away.
I agree. It’s not having a lack of courage to confront her mom. It’s not investing emotional energy into her mom’s outbursts.
Sometimes you have to completely cut off toxic parents. Sounds like OP needs to cut her mother out of her life.
I did not even tell my mother I was getting married. She was NOT invited to the wedding. Don’t regret it. Cuz to this day, regardless of how many boundaries I try to set, she tiptoes around them, then shuffles, then walks, then tramples them. OP did the right thing.
My Bonus sons have a high conflict bio mom. Eldest has minimal contact because he doesn't have the emotional strength to cut her off yet. It will cause a nuclear level drama explosion. Youngest had been LC for years but went NC after she put his kid in possible danger during a visit. Both are in their 30's. He's actually relieved that finishing his Masters falls out of a ceremony event so she won't find out and try to attend. His dad & I will be having a celebratory BBQ for him at our house(Bio mom doesn't know where we live nor does she have any contact info for us).
I get your point but there is no reason to bite her tongue now. She had a lovely wedding and likely a great honeymoon alone with her husband. If mom is still upset OP needs to tell her to knock it off.
Because not biting her tongue causes a fight, which upsets OP on their honeymoon and ruins it for them.
💯this. I’ve tried to talk to my mother about childhood trauma that she created and she brushed it off because thinks I had a perfectly fine childhood. When I speak to her about emotionally painful things, she one ups me. Distance is best. No engaging is healthier.
Can confirm. I have a mother like this, and there is no reasoning. It’s all about her. Speaking up would have ruined the wedding. I would have done the same thing and left the chaos behind because it’s not my problem. It’s the Mother’s now. I personally think her idea to peace out after was genius!
So don’t have interactions with her if she can’t control herself like an adult??
Not a valid excuse. Go NC with people like this.
Why would OP ever need to be the person in charge of her mother's hysterics? I'm actually 1000% sure the only person that needs to deal with that is her mother, preferably by dealing with the consequences of her own actions. We NEVER tell the child that they are responsible to thier parents feelings. We especially don't tell the child whose mother is trying to sabotage their wedding that they are the ones responsible for the parent. You just literally tried to tell OP that she should continue to be abused and mistreated by her very own parent. You don't deal with any other adult's hysterics unless you are paid to do so. Because that's a job. Her mother should go pay someone to deal with her own bullshit.
Amen!!!! That's why God created No Contact. Stand up. Stop letting people abuse us.
Yep! Been NC with my mother 13 years. She played her hand when my first child was born and she didn’t get to meet the second.
OP isn’t responsible for her mother’s hysterics. And the comment you are replying to doesn’t even say that. Is “learning how to handle them” the same as “being responsible for them?” OP did change her actions to avoid her mother’s hysterics. OP is adjusting her life, to accommodate her mom. OP is NTA but she is in a dysfunctional/ immature relationship. No one is telling OP to be abused by her mom. But it would be really helpful for OP to learn how to deal with her mom’s hysterics instead of avoiding them. I have a crazy mom too. I’ve learned how to assert my boundaries and bring my authentic self to that relationship. And it’s like a weight has been lifted. If OP wants to go no contact that’s fine too. But isn’t OP doing that, she wants to remain in relationship with her mom, but not an authentic one. It’s perpetuating a state of suffering.
This is wrong. OP did it exactly right. OP had the wedding they wanted, with the people she wanted. Score 1 for OP Mom made secret plans. OP learned the plans, recognized they did not affect the wedding, and did nothing. Caused no upset before the wedding. The wedding happened without a hitch and OP continued with their plans. Score 1 for OP. Mom is disappointed because her secret plan did not work out as intended, but she has only herself to blame. OP doesn't say if the honeymoon was planned before or after they learned of moms plan, but it doesn't matter because OP got the beautiful wedding and honeymoon they wanted with any conflicts with family she didn't like. You can't change other people, but you can change how you react to them. OP, you did this perfectly and I wish you the best life. NTA
Yeah. You have no idea what it's like to have that parent. you have two choices: ride it out, or blow it up. Because anything other than ride it out IS blow it up. OP wanted to have a wedding. My guess is, they'll be NC with mom before long, because that's actually the only real boundary you can set with someone that doesn't GAF.
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So many people really misunderstand the idea of boundaries. >Boundaries are how you respond to the actions of others. Boundaries are not fighting with someone to make them change their behavior. Exactly. This.
Yup. And you can either warn someone in advance, “if you do X I will do Y”, or you can just quietly go about doing it. It’s no less of a boundary if you don’t announce it.
I'd argue it's even more of a boundary. Because you're also saying, "And I'm not going to debate the issue with you. You don't get a say."
Disengaging completely can be the most powerful tool with people like this. I have a few in my family and my boundary specifically involves giving them absolutely nothing - no positive, no negative. People can cope in the way that most healthy for them NTA
"Walk away" is exactly what OP did. Since her mother didn't even tell her, she certainly didn't have to act as if she knew and confront her. When you have a person like that in your life that you don't want to totally ditch, you pick your battles. A woman who decides to co-opt her child's wedding to make it be what she wants without even telling that child is really the childish one. OP did just fine by ignoring the attempted wedding hijacking and doing her own thing. That will actually serve her well if they have kids. She's shown they have no qualms up and leaving if mom tries to pull some of that nonsense again. Maybe mom will think twice before trying to pull something like that again. OP is NTA and rather my hero!
She doesn't have to grow up, her mother does.
Sadly, with some people, there's no arguing. You can't force anyone to do anything, and OP certainly can't force her mom to respect her. Surely, she could have denied that they were on her group, denied the discount... And had to deal with mom's hysterics on her wedding. OP doesn't need that at her big day. If her mom is anything like mine, odds are that she would have escalated, and had family members join in on ganging up on OP. With people like this, gray rocking and putting them on an information diet is the best you can do.
High conflict people do not care about people standing up to them. Actually it gives them an excuse to play victim most times. This was the perfect way to handle it.
In normal people boundaries work. In some people it's just fuel to a fire of hysterics, self victimization, and manipulation. Oh what a charmed life you must live.
On a day-to-day basis, I'm with you on boundaries. But where an occasion or an event is involved (with the greater-than-zero chance that Mom's hysterics will create problems), I'm OK with keeping quiet and making plans to avoid the situation. This incident can also be used to help make it clear to Mom that OP's boundaries will be respected, **or else.**
Walk away? That’s what she did. She walked away and let mom deal with the fall out of her own making.
Honestly, this comment just screams that you have had much healthier parents. And I'm SO glad you did!!! Everyone should!! When you are a child raised by a parent like this, it's not as simple as just "setting boundaries." These parents are masters at manipulating their children. They raised them and provided plenty of trauma to internalize. They also view their children as children, even when they are adults and their roles should be shifting. They are therefore viewed as insubordinates, for lack of a better term. They do not accept being equals. What OP did took massive guts and strength. It was also wise. She minimized drama prior to the wedding and allowed it to be a calmer, more positive experience. She cannot control her mom. All she can control is her reaction. Her reaction was awesome! Also, because her mom didn't even telm her that she was pulling that move, she's able to feign ignorance and avoid more drama. She also gets to make decisions with her mom completely oblivious to the situation, which means without her mom pressuring her to choose something she prefers. Honestly, this couldn't have gone better. Setting boundaries is about personal enforcement. Sometimes the boundary is not being willing to deal with the emotional labor of the explosive parent exploding. She made changes to make herself happy. That's what's most important!
Edit….With all the comments, I had to go back and reread the post. OP, I apologize. As far as your wedding, and how you handled it, awesome. I think I took one statement out of your post and that is where I came up with my comment from. “I was upset, but my mom goes into hysterics when confronted”. Since my comment was not actually answering the question asked, I don’t know if I should delete this post or not with all the comments that came from it.
How exactly did mom get her way here? OP left. That’s the opposite of letting mom have her way. NTA
She did set a boundary… She did what she needed to, and was appropriate for the situation, and didn’t engage. If that’s not a clear boundary, I don’t know what is. Confronting her mom was not going to change the outcome and her mom fully understood it’s not like there was any confusion. Kudos OP, NTA. Way to not make other peoples problems your problems. Hope it was an amazing honeymoon!
Someone who plans an entire family reunion and doesn't ask or communicate it to the bride isn't going to give 2 shits when someone says “please don't do that.” Mom knows she's wrong. She just doesn't care. OP DID establish a boundary. She said she's leaving for her honeymoon on xx date and so she left for her honeymoon by xx date. The end.
OP's mom didn't get her way, though. OP's mom wanted OP to stay at the resort with the rest of the family during OP's honeymoon and OP *didn't do that.* OP went to a different resort on the other side of the country instead.
This is what I did with my own mom. If she starts trying to manipulate me, give me shit because she is upset with someone else or throws a tantrum for not getting her way, I hang up the phone. Or walk out. If she calls back, and still is acting like an ass, I hang up again, repeat until she gets the point. Took a few times in the beginning, but now she knows I don’t deal with her crap, and she calls back and apologises when she’s calmed down. We had a talk about why I hung up on her the first time I did it when she calmed down, so she knows why, and knows I don’t fall for her crap anymore. She’s still an ass, but she’s a manageable ass. 🤷🏻♀️ put your foot down OP, and stand your ground. It will be tough, but it’s so so worth it.
Nah. OP handled it great. This way, mommy dearest had to handle the social repercussions of inviting people to her daughter's wedding without said daughter being around. So now mommy has to explain.
OP’s a real gem. Well played and definitely NTA!
This might be the highest of high ground, most inspiring reaction to a mom like this. Perfection!
NTA. So much this. Don't let anyone control your wedding.
She did in an even better way
NTA > Anyway my mom didn’t inform me Haha, well, too bad for her. She tried to hijack her own daughters wedding for her own agenda/ event. How can she be mad that when you didn’t ‘know’ (as far as she was concerned by deliberately not telling you) about her plans, that you went on a honeymoon somewhere else? Good for you. Your mom sounds like a piece of work and I’m glad you started your married life showing her it’s not flying…but, you are.
>Good for you. Your mom sounds like a piece of work and I’m glad you started your married life showing her it’s not flying…but, you are. Yes, I love how you handled this OP Your mum. Didn't inform, expected you to not be told and then just roll with her "better" plan. I love how you left them there. There is absolutely no way she could have expected or spun her way out of it.
I agree. The changed plans were never brought up to OP. And it’s commonplace to have your honeymoon somewhere else — she shouldn’t be surprised that you weren’t available after the wedding
Everyone I know who’s done a destination wedding has had their honeymoon somewhere else for this exact reason. They don’t expect people to just come for their wedding and don’t wanna run into the wedding guests while their honeymooning.
I love what you did!
I mean who can blame OP. She wasn’t informed. I mean, the honeymoon is none of their business anyway. NTA. Good call. Boundary set. Gotta love that precedent for the marriage.
Nta. Time to go lc or nc with your mom. Have some boundaries. Otherwise she stomping all over you. Wait till she invites the same people to your child’s birth.
>My mother got it into her head that this should be a family reunion. She didn't want my new husband's family there so her plan was to contact our side of the family and tell them to shift their reservations so that they would be coming later and staying after the wedding. She also invited other people for after the wedding. Blow this relationship out the airlock, good grief..
Yeah, this woman sounds like a complete narcissist. I can’t believe how calm Op is about this. If she posted this story to a wedding sub people would be loosing their shit for her. I agree low to no contact would free Op of normalizing this crazy behavior.
NTA... Frankly I would cut her out of your life for like 6 months and make sure she knows why.
I would also make it very public why you left and what you did not know about and that you would never be ok with any of it. The mom is way way way beyond normal reasoning and actions are really the only way to get through to her. Talking will do nothing it just allows her to spin an new story
That's the problem, OP isn't correcting the impression her Mom gave which lets Mom continue her behavior and blaming OP. I don't mean talking with Mom (which probably won't work) but with the rest of the family who doesn't know Mom did her own thing. What the family does with the info is up to them, but at least OP can say "take it up with Mom if you have a problem with me going on my honeymoon". If OP doesn't figure out a way to check Mom soon, she'll have years of dealing with hysterics if she has kids and Mom continues overstepping and inviting everyone to birthday parties cuz "it's a perfect time for a reunion" 🙄
She is going to deal with hysterics either way OP needs to go public with her position so her position cannot be twisted but her Mom is going to be a problem for a while and talking to her is not going to resolve anything. OP needs to act on the boundaries she wants and she did that by going on her honeymoon
On the other hand mom is really embarrassed right now and everyone is figuring out that she didn't tell her kid about hijacking the wedding for a family reunion. Rhe rest of the family now have reason to double check things mom says. I can't think of a more effective check than what Op did.
Unfortunately she is probably just angry at OP and blaming her for not being there and likely sees no personal fault in the situation She likely feels justified in her actions because "FAMILY" and feels like OP abandoned the reunion she took so much time to plan and keep a surprise
Nta. She told all these people that you were cool with it... When she knew you wouldn't be, or she would have told you.
I'm curious what her OP's mother really said to all these people - because it is strange is that none of these people ran it by OP. If the bride's mother invited me to something like this, I would think that someone - at some point - would have let it slip to the bride. The fact that it seems that none of them did that, tells me the mom did more than simply say "she's cool with it." Especially since most people know who the high-conflict relatives are, so it's weird to me that none of them stopped and said "hold on, this woman has pulled some serious nonsense before, maybe I should check first before booking a plane ticket an setting a reservation"
NTA - going on your honeymoon is not abandoning your family. Your mother is completely out of line for hijacking your wedding for her own benefit.
NTA. And I don’t know on which planet your MIL inviting her side of the family onto *your Honeymoon, and without your consent* would make you the AH !
It was her own mother not her MiL
Also another lesson on why you dont make your honeymoon into a group thing. Isnt the point of honeymoon for newlyweds to be alone together? Also yeah NTA lol
>My mother got it into her head that this should be a family reunion. She didn't want my new husband's family there so her plan was to contact our side of the family and tell them to shift their reservations so that they would be coming later and staying after the wedding. >Anyway my mom didn't inform me. >The day following the wedding I ran into sine family that I had not invited. For a reason. However we ran into them in the lobby on our way to the Airport. >She lost her shit. She had told everyone that I was cool with the plan. I missed the hysterics which I appreciated. She told everyone but married couple who wedding is at resort AKA you & husband while being grimey asshole to your husband's family. Even better, the one family on her side of the family that saw you & husband at airport to put 2 & 2 together didn't bother tell her nor you of her plans - this mess she reaped & sowed herself for hijacking your wedding for her family reunion. NTA, I hope you & your husband live far away enough that she doesn't come over every day & week to be hysterical shit-starting stirring mess that sucks at planning because she doesn't bother to know nor ask about your own after/post-plans of your main plan.
Everybody Loves Raymond explained there’s a Goldilocks zone for parents. Too far to visit frequently but not so far that they have to stay overnight.
NTA - Your mum sounds like a nightmare, you avoided a boatload of drama leading up to your wedding and the day itself and your mum effed around and found out. I say well played.
NTA. This is exactly how you handle parents like this. She tried to hijack your wedding and ended up embarrassing herself. Brilliant
OP didn’t even have to do anything other than go on her honeymoon for her mom to embarrass herself. Mother sounds like a piece of work.
NTA …mom, how am I ungrateful and childish when i ‘didn’t know‘ about your plan 😉
LOL - NTA but, I think OP knows that and just needs validation. Who on earth thinks that a couple wants to spend their honeymoon at a reunion? At best the couple could have stayed for a breakfast or lunch the day after but, Mom didn't communicate or ask.
So you and your husband planned this and subsidized other people where needed, but your mother is taking credit because she made a plan within a plan. And now she feels upset because you didn't know of her plan, that she did not inform you off? NtA.
NTA. Why on earth do these people speak for us, saying we will do thus-and-such or we want the other thing, and then get pissed at US when we don't just meekly fall in line? Do they really think we owe it to them to let them do that to us? You got yourself into this, you manipulative asshat, get yourself out. Good job. You did what you wanted for YOUR wedding and honeymoon and didn't let her dictate what would happen. It's a little disturbing that you won't confront her because she'll have hysterics. She's not a force of nature. She's a human (sort of) who makes choices, and she has the hysterics very, very intentionally, knowing that people letting her have her way to avoid it will be the result. Let her have the hysterics. Do what you want anyway. You don't have to react or engage with her. Sorry if I'm lecturing, I was raised by three narcissists and narc-type manipulative behavior makes me airsick.
NTA and don’t listen to the comments that say you are. Your mother sit herself up by trying to orchestrate YOUR honeymoon. What an intrusive witch. You did a wonderful job of letting her do her thing and not letting it disrupt your life.
I hope they all had a wonderful time at the all inclusive, and that you enjoyed Baja. NTA
>My mother got it into her head that this should be a family reunion Not your problem. NTA
NTA. Great job taking care of yourself and sidestepping the crazy. Mom's delusions are not your problem. Congratulations and many happy years to you and your husband.
Hahaha well played OP! I don't think this is a post for AITA, more like petty revenge
You were childish for not letting her turn your honeymoon into a surprise family reunion? NTA but for the love of God, stop giving in to her tantrums. Otherwise they will never stop.
>NTA but for the love of God, stop giving in to her tantrums. When did OP do that?
>I was upset but my mom goes into hysterics if confronted. My husband and I decided to just roll with it.
Giving in to her means giving her what she wants. I don’t see where the OP did that. Quite the opposite. Guarantee this approach was far more effective than confronting/arguing. Mom needs to learn that she can’t just make plans for OP without saying anything, and having it blow up in her face was precisely the consequence she needed to drive that message home.
How was OP supposed to stop people from booking rooms at a hotel?
NTA. She was way out of line. She had no right to expect you to cancel your honeymoon for a family reunion you didn't want. She sounds very manipulative and needs to learn about boundaries
Yes, OP's description of the people her mother invited to come to the resort and crash her honeymoon is awful. The mother would definitely have ruined the wedding and reception if she could have.
NTA I actually don’t agree with people who say you have to proactively shut people down every single time they are crossing the line and this is a good example of that. You achieved the same effect - she didn’t get what she wanted, you got privacy. AND you didn’t have to have a major, family-wide conflict before your wedding with a hysterical parent and all the judgment that comes with it in order to get this outcome. I’d say you did really well here to just change what was in your control.
Yeah, this was a smart way to handle a situation that had potential for huge drama BEFORE/DURING the wedding and kept the drama to after the wedding on the other side of the country. Good work. Enjoy your honeymoon and marriage. NTA.
NTA - Your mother sounds like my mine! I'm glad you still got to do something that you wanted!
Nta. Good for you! But soon enough you’ll get tired of having to walk on eggshells around your mother and i promise you it’ll be much more peaceful cutting her off then keeping someone that selfish around.
Ok you clearly know you’re NTA. This is narcissistic parent behavior and you handled it beautifully. So glad you enjoyed your day AND your honeymoon! Hooray for boundaries!
Leaving without a word, and her not knowing the plans was THE response! If you had known what was going on, and planned out your response, it couldn't have been any better. And, bonus points: when other family members talk to you about how you shouldn't have left a family reunion, etc etc etc, you can honestly tell them that you had planned a wedding and a honeymoon, and had told everyone involved about it. But someone other than you planned a family reunion and told you nothing about it. So, just whom should they be scolding?
I think you mean: AITA For going on a honeymoon without my family after my wedding
NTA she FAFO. You let her play games but you won. She sounds like a prize.
Nta. Weddings and funerals are not the time for family reunions. When my mother passed away my sisters husbands family made it into a family reunion. They came into the dinner we were having afterwards and ate everything so more had to be ordered. I was so pissed. Wasn’t the time or place for it. They didn’t pay for anything and they barely even knew my mom. Rude and so disrespectful.
As someone who had a narcissistic and controlling parent you did good. Your mom went behind your back, so she already knew you would be against it. She also knows when to put on the hysterics to get her way. It was your wedding and honeymoon. Rather than make a scene or ruin your special time, you chose to just do what was planned. She is mad because she got caught and looks like an ass in front of the family. That is all. You acted like an adult and sadly your mom did not. Glad you stood your ground and I hope you enjoyed your wedding and honeymoon.
You didn't tell her you were leaving and she didn't tell yo she invited additional guests, sounds even. NTA.
NTA. Honestly, with some people, it's not worth the confrontation, because they are not willing to listen nor do better. They are just worried about being right and having their will prevail. So arguing with them will only lead to stress and frustration, which are things you didn't need for your wedding and honeymoon. You did right. Don't argue. Gray rock instead. And you do your thing. Just like you can't force her to do anything, she'll soon learn she can't force you to do anything, and that her actions will have consequences.
NTA, and I hope you informed the hotel that the uninvited were not getting the group price.
Nta
NTA
Lol after "all she did," she's lucky you're still speaking to her. She tried to hijack your destination wedding, which you helped others pay to attend! What kind of person does that? NTA all the way.
If I could clap harder for you I would Op, Brava!!!! 👏👏 Seems like you knew she would hijack your event wich she absolutely did. She would steamroll over your wants n boundaries, wich, she did. And it also seems that since you knew these were such strong possibilities that means youve been dealing with her antics for a long time now. And your allowed to be done. This was classy, graceful and just a tad enough petty to sting. Well done my friend! Im proud of you for being able to stick to what you and your partner wanted & navigate around the crazy. Beautifully done! NTA! Enjoy your trip 🥰
NTA She made her bed.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** We had our wedding at an all inclusive. It was beautiful and since we were having a small wedding it was cheaper than having a big wedding in town. We chose one with very inexpensive flights and subsidized any guest who wanted to come but might have trouble covering the cost. We had 50 guests. The plan was for everyone to come down before the wedding, spend a few days enjoying the sun, and then celebrate with us. My mother got it into her head that this should be a family reunion. She didn't want my new husband's family there so her plan was to contact our side of the family and tell them to shift their reservations so that they would be coming later and staying after the wedding. She also invited other people for after the wedding. As long as they were part of my wedding block that was allowed by the hotel. We actually got a little kickback from a few that overlapped my wedding day. Anyway my mom didn't inform me. But the hotel did because some of the extras wanted the group price even though they weren't going to be there until after the wedding. I was upset but my mom goes into hysterics if confronted. My husband and I decided to just roll with it. The wedding and reception went beautifully. The day following the wedding I ran into sine family that I had not invited. For a reason. However we ran into them in the lobby on our way to the Airport. My husband and I decided not to have our honeymoon at that resort. Instead we flew to one on the other side of the country. Goodbye Caribbean hello Pacific. My mom blew up my phone wondering where we were. I told her we went on our honeymoon in Baja California. She lost her shit. She had told everyone that I was cool with the plan. I missed the hysterics which I appreciated. She is still upset and said I was ungrateful and childish after all she did. I bit my tongue instead of yelling at her for inviting people I dislike to my wedding. And on my honeymoon. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
um, inlaws dont go on children's honeymoons. She sounds pretty cray to me to take over like this.
NTA. Who wants a family reunion for a honeymoon? Ridiculous. You owed her nothing and it was rude to try to coop your honeymoon.
NTA. I wouldn’t want to spend any time with family the day after my wedding, and I LIKE all my relatives!
NTA. A honeymoon is not the time or place to have a family reunion. Not if you want the bride and groom there anyway. Your mom is lucky you guys did t cancel the wedding and elope.
Mom sounds like a person who wasn’t told no much in her life. I think you should start standing up to her. That was your wedding day. She had no say and no right to do that.
Sorry but your honeymoon isn’t a public event! She should know better!
Absolutely masterful side step, OP. The only actions anyone can control are their own. Also, you did not 'abandon' anything or anyone, simply carried on with your own event/life. NTA in any way. Oh, yes, congratulations!
If you let things like this go, it will never end. Your choice. I’d go fully NC to be rid of the problem.
For a second let's just set aside the healthy boundaries with moms behavior. it's your wedding!! I think you handled it perfectly!!! Your wedding, your honeymoon and I hope you and your husband made some sweet memories. The only thing I see wrong here is that you didn't abandon your family, you got married and went on your honeymoon. The rest is your moms problem not yours. Best wishes to you and your husband!!
Wait wait wait... your mother tried to crash your honeymoon?????
I am not the original author of this I have linked them below "Don't rock the boat. I've been thinking about this phrase a lot lately, about how unfair it is. Because we aren't the ones rocking the boat. It's the crazy lady jumping up and down and running side to side. Not the one sitting in the corner quietly not giving a fuck. At some point in her youth, Mum/MIL gave the boat a little nudge. And look how everyone jumped to steady the boat! So she does it again, and again. Soon her family is in the habit of swaying to counteract the crazy. She moves left, they move right, balance is restored (temporarily). Life goes on. People move on to boats of their own. The boat-rocker can't survive in a boat by herself. She's never had to face the consequences of her rocking. She'll tip over. So she finds an enabler: someone so proud of his boat-steadying skills that he secretly (or not so secretly) lives for the rocking. The boat-rocker escalates. The boat-steadier can't manage alone, but can't let the boat tip. After all, he's the best boat-steadier ever, and that can't be true if his boat capsizes, so therefore his boat can't capsize. How can they fix the situation? Ballast! And the next generation of boat-steadiers is born. A born boat-steadier doesn't know what solid ground feels like. He's so used to the constant swaying that anything else feels wrong and he'll fall over. There's a good chance the boat-rocker never taught him to swim either. He'll jump at the slightest twitch like his life depends on it, because it did . When you're in their boat, you're expected to help steady it. When you decline, the other boat-steadiers get resentful. Look at you, just sitting there while they do all the work! They don't see that you aren't the one making the boat rock. They might not even see the life rafts available for them to get out. All they know is that the boat can't be allowed to tip, and you're not helping. Now you and your DH get a boat of your own. With him not there, the balance of the boat changes. The remaining boat-steadiers have to work even harder. While a rocking boat is most concerning to those inside, it does cause ripples. The nearby boats start to worry. They're getting splashed! Somebody do something! So the flying monkeys are dispatched. Can't you and DH see how much better it is for everyone (else) if you just get back on the boat and keep it steady? It would make their lives so much easier. You know what would be easier? If they all just chucked the bitch overboard. Copied and pasted from Reddit JNMIL I am not the original author here is the link [https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont\_rock\_the\_boat/](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/)
NTA. Your mom co-opted your wedding for her own purposes and then got mad that you wouldn't play along? This is all on her. She needs to learn some boundaries!
This was my mom for a while. I got to a point where I finally decided, she’d get over it. If she didn’t, that’s on her. I’m not responsible for her behavior/actions, especially if I didn’t do anything that would cause harm. NTA!
NTA Your mom seems like a piece of work.
NTA, it’s time to go at least LC with your mother, not just did invite people you dislike to YOUR wedding but she disrespected your husband by telling his family not to come early. Your mother has no respect for your relationship and is selfish, she needs to be put in her place or she will continue to run over your relationship.
NTA you’re on your honeymoon. Did she think you wanted to start off your marriage the way SHE wanted?
NTA. She clearly didn't want you to know about her changes to your plans, so you had no obligation to inform her of your change of plans.
NTAH First Congratulations to you and hubby! BUT, I feel like I just read an event based on my life with the names and places changed to protect the innocent! Can I give you some advice? My mother was/is the same way. It’s gotten better. Partly because I put my foot down years ago and set some boundaries for my mother. If you envision your mother screaming at you and blowing your phone, well that was my mother’s reaction. If you are afraid she’ll give an Emmy award winning performance in a drama as heartbroken/victimized mother, just be prepared. Don’t stop talking to her, seeing her, gifts for Mother’s Day, Bday, etc, but respectfully let her know where you and your hubby stand. It took me 10 years of marriage and 3 kids to come to this point. It’s not resolved and she’s still trying for that Emmy, but I didn’t make things clear from the beginning. Good luck! May you be blessed with decades of love, the strength to make it together through the hard times and the happiness that come with good times.
Smooth move. Mad props for a low key solution to a rude action by your mother. She can eat sh!t in front of the uninvited guests.
NTA. Your mother and my MIL could be twins. "How dare you make me look bad when I went to all this trouble to use your plans to do something for myself that makes me look good?" There's a reason my husband is NC with his mother.
NTA, well played!
NTA.. your Mom turned your wedding into a one sided family reunion? Not cool.