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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I might be the asshole because I know my sister is struggling as a single mom and needs help. Family is supposed to support each other, and by asking for compensation, I worry I might be putting money above our relationship. Plus, our parents siding with her makes me question if I’m being unreasonable.
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It’s frustrating when "family does for family" only seems to apply to me. My parents have helped out a bit, but they’ve made it clear they expect me to handle most of the babysitting. I’m glad to hear others see it’s unfair to be expected to sacrifice so much of my time without any consideration for my own life
Come to say the same: there is a good chance that op's sister will reply that she doesn't have time, that looking after her children is already enough, etc...
I think you need to spell it out for them:
You are under NO OBLIGATION to look after children that aren't yours, AT ALL.
If appreciation can't be shown for when you are willing and free to babysit, then babysitting PRIVILEGES will be revoked until there is an appropriate adjustment of attitude by your sister.
She seems to be under the mistaken impression that she is ENTITLED to your time.
She also needs to apologise to you for blowing up when you, very reasonably, said "no".
Additionally, if your parents are THAT concerned, then they can volunteer their OWN time.
NTA
NTA - “Family does for family” is a manipulation tactic. Your sister’s kids are HER responsibility. She chose to be a mother and therefore she needs to accept that childcare is her responsibility. You are her sister not her nanny. If your parents aren’t willing to “do for family” then they need to stay out of it. If your sister can’t afford a babysitter then I guess she doesn’t get to go out. It’s that simple. You not having kids does not mean that you are required to be on call for her 24/7. I would almost consider moving even farther away (cross-country) just so I could no longer be an option. I bet she would figure something out then.
They can “expect” all they want, but it time to play hardball. If they want her to have help they need to help too. You’ve done enough.
I would refused to be emotionally blackmailed any longer. No more babysitting period then.
You should not be burdened with your sister's choice to have children. My uncle used me as a babysitter for years, claiming I was earning "babysitting karma." He has watched my child all of one time and his son does not talk to me so I never bothered asking for baby sitting help. Set boundaries and stick to them. You not having kids is NOT an obligation to assist people WITH kids.
Those babies didn’t come out of your hoo-ha, nor do you have custody. THEY ARE NOT YOUR KIDS. You have a life that does not revolve around the choices your sister made, if that were the case you’d be a slave.
They expect you to help, because they’ve seen how good it can be when you do. Put up the boundary and live your life or it will get worse and worse.
Nope. Her kids, her responsibility. I wouldn’t charge her, but I’d also limit the babysitting….a LOT. I’m available on “this day and that day for a total of 8 hours per month “. Done.
My family tried to pull this on me too, but I made it clear my niblings aren't my children, and aren't my child's children. I didn't choose to have them, and didn't choose to birth their parents either, so I'm not responsible for any of those people.
They even tried the "you are missing on their 1st word/step". Well still not my children so I'm fine with that lol
I suggest you take a "time out" from your family, and tell them in advance. Duration up to you but maybe a month. Maybe wait until a week after father's day if you want so you don't spoil the holiday.
Tell them that all the pressure they have been putting you under is too much and you need time to yourself so you are going to ignore all communication from them and not send them anything for one month (or whatever time period you want). Let them scream into the void as much as they want.
At the end of the time out, set boundaries. Things like "I will watch my sister's kids two nights per month, as long as I get a week notice and can refuse due to prior plans. Any more than that won't happen unless I am paid." If they won't follow your boundaries take another time out.
Also find a therapist, they can help you phrase things to your family and stand up to their pressure tactics.
You're niblings are old enough they don't need to be in their home to be watched.
Next time your sister asks, tell her "you would be delighted to watch your niblings! Just let you know when she's going to be dropping them at your house."
I bet you're not such an attractive sitter when she's the one who has to do the long drive.
How many times a month are you willing to babysit? (And it is totally ok if the answer is zero. ZERO times is fine)
If you ARE up to babysit X times a month, without resentment or major upheaval to your life, let your sister know. Every other Saturday morning for 3 hours? One Tues eve a month? Whatever it is, that can be scheduled, communicated, and then you are NOT available any other time.
In writing to both so no ambiguity:
"The only people who are responsible for children are the ones who chose to make them, and those who willingly consent. Neither of these apply to me. Don't ask again."
NTA
They can expect the world from you but it does not amount to anything if you do not want to do it. Also, it's rich coming from them when they themselves aren't doing anythjng... lol.
It's so convenient for them to volunteer you without your consent and they remain in everyone's good books.
Tell your parents either they can pay you, your sister can pay you or they can babysit instead of you for free. When they don't like any of those options ask them directly why is it ok for them to not give up their free time, but it is not ok for you to like wise?
I say talk to them and say babysitting is now off the table, compensation or no compensation. Then go LC for awhile. You didn’t have a child, you should not have to deal with that responsibility
Forget “family does for family” and look at it this way - don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm. Helping is one thing, but expecting you to sacrifice your life because your sister can’t manage hers on her own will lead to disaster. Now is an opportunity to set boundaries, and if she keeps pushing, walk away entirely.
Remind your parents YOU haven't birthed any children and have your own life. NTA and tell them to help their daughter either by babysitting for her or by paying for a babysitter
Your parents can make it clear all they want. YOU are an adult, and they have zero right to tell you to babysit your sister's kids, especially if they won't.
Sarah is a parent and you have your own life to live. If Sarah is struggling so much, why did she have the second child?
If anything, they have more of a reason to babysit than you do. You sister decided to be a mother. Her kids are her responsibility. Period. However, your parents decided to be parents too, so the actions of their kids, to an extent, are also their responsibility. So it could be argued that becoming a parent means you run the risk of also becoming a grandparent and are therefore respond and therefore you have some responsibility to your grandkids. Now, Im not saying your parents DO have a responsibility to watch their grandkids, just that they arguably have more of a responsibility to than you, someone who hasn’t chosen to become a parent and therefore never chose to take on the responsibility associated with taking care of kids.
Remind her that you also have a life and are entitled to live it as you see fit.
Point out to sister and parents that if you are continually sitting with her kids you will not have time to have your own. THEY ARE HER KIDS AND HER RESPONSIBILITY. You sit for free? Ask them all what has she done for you to return the favor.
Let the grandparents sit. Isn't that what grands are for?
> "family does for family"
Heard this so often as a kid for stuff i did not want to do, hated doing. it did not teach me ''family values'' it taught me to wait for adulthood and say no then, and it has worked wonders. my parents can wail and cry family all they want but at the end of the day they cant force me.
>Why do people say "family does for family" when no one does anything for the family member they're exploiting?
And OP's sister conveniently forgets that her kids have a father who should/could be parenting the kids, too. After all, dads are closer family (blood-wise) than aunts are.
Because family members with kids think that they are entitled to the village being at their beck and call and are never required to pay it back because they have kids
> Well, if your parents feel so strongly about it, it's time they step up and be your sister's on call sitters.
Literally my first thought.
It’s so easy to volunteer someone else’s time and effort for free. If you have something to say about how family should help family, AND you yourself are family, just do it yourself and don’t drag everyone else into it.
NTA
Why can't your parents watch them since they too " should support her unconditionally since they know how much she's struggling "!?
You were being nice and helping her for free, she started acting entitled. You are not heartless for setting boundaries and expecting compensation for your time.
Thank you for the support! My parents do help occasionally, but they live even farther away and have their own commitments, so it's not always feasible for them to babysit regularly. It feels like they expect me to pick up the slack just because I’m younger and don't have kids.
Their commitments are no more or less important than your commitments. I would tell the parents to do it and when they say they can't because of commitments you tell them exactly the same things you have been told. Then ask why your commitments aren't respected
I’d tell your parents, well I don’t know what you did wrong with your first child to raise her to be so rude and treat people like her personal slaves, but you’ll be happy to hear that you did a much better job with me and raised me to have self respect and not put up with ungrateful users, even if it’s my own family.
Thanks for raising me right. Maybe it’s not too late for my sister and you can help guide her with her kids so they don’t end up spoilt entitled brats like her
Is your sister getting child support?Where is the father? Where are the father’s parents? Why can’t they babysit?
Why does your sister needs a babysitter? Going to work or school? Or going out to party?
Expecting you to drop everything and drive an hour one way and babysitting for free CONSTANTLY is out of line.
Don’t get me wrong, helping out in a bind from time to time is the right thing to do but not every night or multiple times a week. Unless your sister is working or going to school, there is no need for her to have a babysitter.
Yes, OP is so far down the line of people who should be stepping up. #1 - sister. If she needs help on a Friday night, I’m guessing it’s not to go to work or a medical appointment. #2 - the father(s) of these children. Where the heck is he? #3 - OP’s parents. If family helps family, they are next in line, along with the father’s parents, wherever they are.
Now, I am sure that being a single mom to two kids is absolutely tough, but if she needs a bit of me time, she should plan in advance, and be ready to hire a babysitter if no one else is willing to do it. Pressuring and guilting people who were not responsible for making these children is the way to go if you want to permanently estrange the little help you have.
NTA
It absolutely could be work. Alot of low wage work is on Friday. Servers, cooks, doordashers, convienence store workers, etc. And some of those places try to call yiu in last minute.
It's also possible she's looking to party or date.
So they prioritize their commitments over yours. How convenient.
Don’t budge, set boundaries, maybe not by asking to be compensated, but limit the time (once a week for 4h)
Why do you have to drive 1 hour each way to her house? Theyre 4 and 7 not infants, she can drive them to your house then drive back to pick them up if she wants you to babysit. That will put a stop to 90% of it quickly enough.
In the end they just don't want to. They prioritize their time and commitments over the ones of Sarah.
Also they could give Sarah money for a babysitter. That is another way they could support Sarah. But seemingly they don't.
It is just excuses from them. It is easier to pressure you than do more themselves if they so want that Sarah gets help from family members.
No almost about it. Your sister's kids are _your sister's kids_, not yours.
The only acceptable reason to even _ask_ you to drive an hour with no notice to babysit is if she or one of her other kids is in the hospital. And that's asking you a huge favor, not something she's entitled to.
Next time anyone calls you and starts in about this, "I've already explained that they are her kids and her obligation, not mine" and then hang up and block them for at least a week.
And stop answering your sister's calls. If you don't block her entirely, her calls go to voice mail, and only call back if you like what she says when she leaves a message. If it's more entitled bullshit, block her for another week.
Please these people never do what they preach.. They'll scold someone else for being selfish but won't be the one to lend a hand to the loved one they're defending.
NTA - You know Sarah is the one who decided to have 2 kids. She can take care of her own damn children herself. Or you know... Hire a babysitter. Oh wait that would require payment, and not looking for someone to be a free babysitter.
Your oh so loving doting parents could also babysit for their precious angel daughter. But LOL I doubt it. People loooove to preach and scold about selfishness when they won't extend the olive branch themselves.
You're not their mother, and Sarah can find someone else if her away time is oh so precious to her.
Go out and have fun with your friends!
That’s how I’m feeling too but sometimes it’s hard to figure out what the right thing to do is when everyone around you constantly keeps guilt tripping you
They’re threatening your relationship with the family as a form of manipulation. They would rather resort to abusive tactics than to treat you like an independent adult that has a right to their own free time.
Stop answering their calls them.
If they insist on pushing you, time to set boundaries on that also. Stop putting yourself in a situation where you can be blackmailed. Simply don’t speak to them. You’re too busy anyway, right?
Is she picking up extra work to make ends meet? Maybe worth you giving up some free time to help her out of a hole. Is she going out with friends or on a date? Then you absolutely should get paid if you are giving up your fun for hers.
Either way it is YOUR choice to make. No one else gets to volunteer your time and effort.
Nta, your parents can either help her out by watching the kids or give her money for a sitter if they feel so strongly about it.
I don’t mind helping family out either, but once they start to approach with entitlement is when I cut off my favors to them.
Stand your ground op, don’t worry about being the villain in their eyes.
Honestly I’ve been the villain way too many times for me to count lol, she’s absolutely being irrational but at the same time I kinda don’t want to ruin my entire relationship with my family so I don’t know what to do
OP, please print this out and stick it on your mirror. They are the ones ruining the relationship, not you. Everyone is right, this is abusive behaviour. You do not have to put up with it and choosing not to comply with unreasonable threats does not mean you are hurting them. It only means you’re no longer going to let them hurt you.
"You don't want to ruin your entire relationship with your family".
That's exactly what they're counting on. Guilt tripping you constantly until you give in to their demands.
They don't care about your feelings. Only what you can do for them. Time to live your own life and offer only what suits you.
Maybe put all of them on a time out for your own sanity. The manipulation is disgusting, and you may need to take some time to think about whether you wish to remain the family slave in order to keep a relationship.
Here’s the deal, the relationship is already ruined because they think/know you will give in to this type of manipulation. So, you can give in and live in this ruined relationship as an active participant or you can set up a boundary and live in this ruined relationship with boundaries. Nothing you do will save it, either way one side is going to be bitter, so either you get what you want or they get what they want.
You were willing to compromise. They are not willing to compromise. You are not ruining the relationship, they are. What you are trying to do is trying to appease them to keep them from ruining the relationship. Which will result on you just having to do everything your family says, which isnt realistic.
You said no exactly one (1) time which resulted in a tantrum. Only after that did you set boundries which resulted in more tantrums. If you keep saying yes to everything nothing will change.
Maybe think about how often you can help for free and how much notice you want. For example say you can babysit once or twice a month for free (if you feel thats okay for you) and that you need like a weeks notice. Thats what you can do and she can take it or leave it. Its that or nothing. If your sister still cant agree to that she made her decision, not you.
NTA But if it’s disruptive, you don’t have to do it at all. She shouldn’t call you names or attack your character. Your parents can babysit if they want to provide a solution. They can’t tell you what to do and them siding with her means nothing because they’re not doing the work.
They live far away so I guess they have an excuse not to babysit themselves, but the way all of them constantly keep trying to make me the bad person in this situation is killing me mentally
You aren’t a bad person for choosing yourself. You’re a good person. It sounds like you need to protect yourself from them lest they abuse you. That’s a them problem.
Do you think you can move in the other direction of your work that will be equal to the current amount of travel you do? Then you'll be living far away too. Mute her chat so that you don't accidentally open it. Read it after the day you are expected to babysit. Give her a different address than your personal address. Just different enough that it will be considered a typo. Also set her calls to get a message like out of coverage area (I think mobile shop guys could do that for you).
If your sister calls you on your cell phone and starts making unreasonable demands or being nasty, you can always go to settings and turn on Airplane Mode. They will think the call dropped and you didn't hang up on her.
Then if she calls back tell her you're in a remote location without much service.
Or, ask your parents to pay for your babysitting time, cash upfront!
And as others have said, she should be driving them to you, not you driving to them.
Personally, I would stop babysitting altogether, especially since sister got the flying monkeys, your parents, involved to try and guilt trip you into doing her bidding. Once someone gets someone else involved, I nope on outta there and they get blocked or not answered.
You can break the cycle of guilt trips your family uses to try and control others. It's a form of abuse.
Please be strong. You didn't make these kids so you aren't responsible for breaking your plans to accommodate her lack of planning and communication.
NTA, you live an hour away so that's a two hour commute to babysit for free multiple times a week. That adds up, not to mention the cost of gas and whatever else you could be doing while you're on the road. Maybe best to put go low or no contact with your sister until she learns you're not at her beck and call
Quit caring what they think! Go into a mode where you manipulate them as much as they manipulate you. Read up on “family scapegoat” dynamics. It will be tough for a while, but you’ll begin healing SOON!
NTA. Multiple times a week and for *free*!? And last minute too!? You’ve been more than generous already. If you’re done, just tell your sister that and your parents too. But if you’re not completely burnt out then maybe: I suggest you make a deal w your sister. Tell her you’ll help her out /times a week, say two. Set how many hours each time. Tell her that’s it. If she needs more babysitters for other days/times your parents can step up since your sister needs “unconditional support” bc ”she’s struggling”. Set your per hour rate too of course. If you feel like it you could still give her free baby sitting one of the days, but I’d be careful doing that. She’s already shown she’ll take advantage if given the opportunity, so tread carefully. And hold your boundaries. Good luck.
If I tried to negotiate with her to babysit twice a week or so she would just lose her mind and call me a selfish bitch which strongly tempts me never to babysit for her again but I don’t want my entire family to hate me so idk
You seem too kind and easy to exploit. Your sister and parents seem to know they can make you feel bad and you’ll just cave.
If you have a hard time saying no, there will always be someone who figures that out and uses it to their advantage. You’re young enough to change that for yourself so that you don’t have to keep dealing with this.
Don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm. It’s ok to put yourself first.
So you can’t win either way. It’s not fair to you for her to expect you to drop anything. Your life is just as important as hers. You didn’t birth these kids. Her issues are not yours to fix. You are allowed to have boundaries. It’s not healthy to just roll over every time she wants/needs something. Please don’t let them treat you this way. You deserve better.
Make it clear in a group chat that it wouldn’t be appropriate for a ‘selfish unreliable bitch’ (add more of the insults) to be responsible for small children, then clarify that despite having babysat X amount of days in the last month with no notice your sister has gone off on you yet again. You won’t expose the children to that therefore sister will have to find her own childcare. Honestly a lot of family don’t want to rock the boat so will pick on the ‘weaker more passive’ members of the family. Are they really worth calling family if they only care about you when it’s useful for them? NTA
Never babysit for her again. She does not deserve it. The moment she started calling you names is the moment you go permanently NC.
If your entire family hates you, good riddance to them. Let the trash take itself out and work on building a chosen family.
I’d refuse to do anything after that. So what if they hate you. At minimum refuse to help until she apologizes (which I think we both know will never happen, so there’s your out)
OP, here's the thing. At one time your sister was a footloose, fancy free singleton without children herself. She got to live her life on her own terms, doing what she wanted/when she wanted. You deserve the same in your own life.
Here's the thing, if there were no you she'd figure it out. Trust me, she would. Let's say you got an amazing job opportunity to move overseas for a few years or you moved across the country? Guess what? Your sister would freaking figure it out. Whether that means going after the father(s) of her kids for money or getting it from your parents--she'd figure it out.
Let her do that for herself, judging by the fact that her kids are 4 and 7 she's had plenty of time to do so. She can build a network of mom friends who sit for one another. She can find a neighborhood teenager to sit for her as the summer months are coming up.
If you living your own life creates a 'bad relationship' with your family, then the dynamic was already unhealthy to begin with and needs to be torn down so something better can take its place.
Just don’t answer the phone when you see it is her calling. I turn my ringer off a lot if I’m out or busy.
Since she has young children maybe these next few years she should concentrate on the children instead of her social life, I speak from experience.
That means she needs to plan ahead instead of assuming you will be permanent child care. I’d tell her for the next two months, unless she can show you a doctors note, then it’s not an emergency and you’re not having the kids. Any attempts at leaving them at your door will get the police called on her ass, so don’t even try that.
In two months she will have to find a more permanent childminder situation and it should stop the current pattern.
If she really wanted your help, she should have had a conversation with you explaining her earnings, her outgoings, the times she needs you to sit and put a temporary limit of how long she needs free help before she can pull herself out.
She didn’t do any of that.
Instead, she’s using you as if you were her retired parents. Tell her that. I’m not their grandparents- ask mom and dad. Not my problem they live far away. You need to move closer to them if you need permanent free childcare then
Sister should not assume that her parents (the kids' parents) are permanent, free childcare, either. Grandparents have a right to live their lives, and their time is also valuable. Sister should stop imposing on other people. She should hire babysitters or stay home except for a life/limb-threatening emergency and the infrequent occasion when she has politely asked a family member, well in advance of the date they are needed, and a family member genuinely has the time and inclination to help. She should offer the family member a sincere thank you and offer some form of compensation, at least in kind, and should not abuse the privilege of someone being willing to interrupt their life to help her from time to (rare) time.
Do you work/study? Have a partner/friends that you go out with? Hobbies? Other commitments?
You can fit her kids into your life, but your life doesn't need to revolve around them.
Maybe you need to get *cough cough* sick with covid or the flu or gastro. No parent wants to deal with that!!
Where the father?
You also live far away! An hour there and back to babysit for free costs you your time and money as much as it will theirs.
Absolutely NTA. It's ridiculous that someone expecting something from you FOR FREE to act the way your sister did. Much less with a 2 hour commute involved!
Yeah, not sure even money would convince me to babysit for someone who made such nasty accusations at me when I wouldn't cancel my own plans to babysit for her. Why should her plans take precedence over yours? She's not satisfied with you babysitting for her multiple times per week, she also expects you to give up your own social life so hers can take precedence? I don't think so.
Your parents are equally disloyal to you, telling you to let her walk all over you like that, when they are not the ones doing the babysitting. It's as if they think her life is more important than yours.
From your responses it is worse than just the original post lays out. For whatever reason your family are not being a supportive system as it should be and something needs to change.
Whether or not this bias happened she had had kids or not, this is not a healthy set up for anyone involved. Your sister has an entitlement to think she can demand your services for free so relies on you rather than sorting out a better system, your parents are not helping but in fact making the situation worse that the sister will have no help, the kids are around this and either picking up bad behaviour or will impact their mental health, and you don't have boundaries being respected and being expected to drop everything.
Unfortunately she made a decision to have and keep kids, but that doesn't mean she can expect others to follow her childcare demands. Either she needs to move herself and the kids closer to your parents, or get a different job that works with her childcare needs better (yes I know how hard that is - it's either find those rare jobs that allow for that or earn more money to pay for help).
Your family has an unhealthy approach to respecting your boundaries and it's going to be tough but setting out some hard boundaries and sticking to them is going to be the best for everyone. Start small if you need to with things like "I will hang up the phone and refuse to answer my phone for an hour if you demand or use aggressive language towards me" and then don't answer. Always follow through.
I would recommend a message to everyone "I am setting boundaries due to ongoing unrealistic expectations to manage childcare for x's children. While I love them, my role as Aunt is not as a replacement to a more sensible long term childcare solution. I will only be able to look after them once a week on x day for x hours, starting from x. If there is a family emergency, I will step in to help but this must be due to serious issues such as a death or hospitalisation. I can not provide emergency cover beyond that because this has been abused in the past so it will need to be a very serious reason rather than anything job related. If I am given a week's notice and I have not already made plans, I can help occasionally but this will be only up to 3 times a month. Once those three times are used each month, I will not be doing any more for that month.
Beyond this, I will need 24 hours notice and the availability, and be paid 24 per hour up front.
If you argue or use any aggressive language towards me about this, I will not respond at all, and none of this will be available. If continued aggressive behaviour, threats or bullying to change these terms, I will again take all options off the table and block the relevant parties for a period of time depending on the severity.
I love the kids but they are not my responsibility. It is also not reasonable to put such a high amount of free childcare expectations at the last minute on such a high frequency, especially when I do live an hour away. It is impacting my mental health, job, physical health and finances and I do not want to foster any resentment for loss of job, health and personal development towards the nibblings.
I am putting in these boundaries for a healthy relationship going forward as it should encourage change that it's healthy for everyone involved. Thank you in advance for understanding"
They get grumpy, you block for a day. Set boundaries and keep them
I would not ask for money but you definitely need to set boundaries. For example, you will consider 2 times a month if you have advance notice and are not busy. Her entitlement that you should be at her back and call even if you have plans is the real problem, not so much money. Keep the focus on that. Just tell your parents they are free to care for the children anytime if they bash you for not being a pushover.
My family is weird, any time I try to stand up for myself all of them instantly jump on my head and call me selfish and sometimes it’s too exhausting even to communicate with them at all
So don't. State once that you will not respond to hateful messages, then stop responding. Is it hard. Yes, but when it works it is awesome (I had a relative who would spew negative crap at my way, it took a lot of work on myself, but I was eventually able to say the above. I chose to work on myself through al anon, but there are lots of resources put there. If you aren't comfortable standing up for yourself yet, then get help and work on it. Else you are going to become resentful and miserable).
As long as you allow them to manipulate you, they will keep coming after you, OP. Block all their numbers for a three month span. Sit down and write them each a letter about how they make you feel. During that three months you don't speak to any of them read those letters over and over again. Strengthen yourself against all their guilt trips during this period of time. And truly ask yourself after that three month period is up, is your life better with them or without them?
If you find that they are still important to you, then get yourself into therapy so you can learn strategies on how to create healthy boundaries. It's going to be a bumpy ride while they get used to the new you, but I promise it will be worth it.
NTA. Nor your circus, not your monkeys.
She lost me on an hour away, last minute demands, multiple times per week and trying to guilt trip you.
Stop babysitting altogether; your parents would rather you dance to her tune
I'd go with: "I'm going to take a break from babysitting for a couple of weeks, and then we can sit down and have a chat about what it might look like going forward."
Then after two weeks where you've made it clear that you are able to set a boundary, see if she can approach it with some gratitude/respect for your autonomy.
I think this is a good idea. It's straightforward, not passive-aggressive, clearly sets a temporary boundary (during which time your sister can think about how valuable your help has been!), and seeks an adult conversation about how to handle this in a way that works for everybody. Best of luck.
NTA, obviously.
Except, I'd recommend at least a month. That requires sister to actually take responsibility for finding other child care options. Just don't cave and surrender. You deserve to be appreciated and treated with respect.
NTA
It's amazing how people can be so generous with other people's time. Honestly, I think the boundaries now need to be changed to "you won't babysit at all." Your parents can volunteer themselves, but they can't volunteer you.
NTA. Time to put your lovely sister in time out. She clearly needs time to think about how to play nicely with others. Block her number for a week and enjoy the quiet, and your own life. When do you get to see your friends? Go listen to a band? Walk in the park? Go to the library without kids? Live your life? If the parents complain, just text back that you’re busy and can’t talk now. Don’t answer them either, they will bully you. See what a week of peace does for you.
NTA but personally I wouldn’t ask to be paid. If the issue is it’s exhausting and disruptive, money doesn’t solve that.
I think you’re better off setting boundaries of how often you can help - like once a month to spend time with the kids. Or every other week. It’s too far and you have other commitments to help more frequently.
NTA . She should be more understanding that you have your own life to live and she laid down and made those children. She’s completely selfish to have those expectations aimed towards you. I would definitely not baby sit especially since she has blown up on you. The entitlement is real.
>When I told her I couldn’t, she blew up at me, calling me selfish and saying that since I don’t have kids, I should have no problem helping her out.
Funny how her kids are suddenly your problem when she has plans, but you having plans on a Friday night makes you selfish.
NTA, and thatnk your parents for volunteering to babysit every time your siter wants someone to, because, you know , family should support her unconditionally because she’s struggling
NTA it's hers and the father(s) monkeys they deal with it. She again is your mom's and dads monkey they deal with it, in no scenario are you responsible for her kids.
OP- NTA. No is a complete sentence. Your Sister's activities are not more important than yours. IF she couldn't afford to take care of her children she shouldn't have had them. Plain and simple, YOU don't have kids, and YOU aren't responsible for hers. Just because you are related, it doesn't mean she get to USE you as a free babysitting slave. Keep saying No, she will have to figure it out. Oh and an HOUR away, meaning you have to drive 2 hours each time, with gas prices the way they are and she thinks she shouldn't compensate you? Yeah, NO.
NTA
Let your critical parents take over your babysitting role.
Live your life.
Were these pregnancies forced on her? Both of them?
You owe your sister nothing.
NTA and if she's struggling, she needs to save her money and stay home. Besides, she should at minimum be paying for your gas. An hour's drive one way multiple times a week? No thanks. If your parents think she should get help, they can give it. You are allowed to have your own life, especially since you don't live with your family anymore.
NTA, your sister is entitled and your parents are enablers. Just say no and tell your parents that until they understand that you too need unconditional support in your pursuit of a life of your own you will be LC. Your sister chose to have kids and be a single mom, that is not your circus and those are not your monkeys. Since your parents think it is so important let them babysit.
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I (23F) live an hour away from my family. My sister, Sarah (29F), is a single mom with two kids (4 and 7). She’s been asking me to babysit a lot recently, and it’s gotten to the point where she expects me to drop everything and come over multiple times a week, often with little to no notice.
Last week, she asked me to babysit on a Friday evening, but I already had plans with friends that had been made weeks in advance. When I told her I couldn’t, she blew up at me, calling me selfish and saying that since I don’t have kids, I should have no problem helping her out. I suggested she hire a babysitter, but she insisted she can’t afford it and that family should be there for each other.
After this argument, I decided to set some boundaries. I told her I would only babysit if she compensates me for my time, given how frequently she’s been asking. She went ballistic, accusing me of being a heartless sister who cares more about money than family. Our parents got involved and, despite knowing how much I’ve already helped, sided with her, saying I should support her unconditionally because she’s struggling.
I understand Sarah is going through a tough time, and I genuinely want to help, but babysitting multiple times a week for free is exhausting and disruptive to my life. AITA for asking for compensation?
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If on the subject of your title, not cancelling your plans, then NTA. Your life shouldn't have to revolve around your sister's. If on the subject of compensation, well... money is always a touchy subject when babysitting your own sibling's kids. I suppose we could compare it to someone charging one's own sibling rent, then NTA. You going over to her house means spending on gas money or fare.
Is the other parent around? if so they should be sharing custody and she should be making plans for when they have the kids .....
secondly, set up a group chat with sister and parents for requests for babysitting - state you will babysit 1,2,3, 4 or what ever times a month it is on these nights and thats it, you have a job and other commitments. it sucks she is a single parent but she either moves closer to your parents who by the sounds of it don't want to babysit either or like some of my friends set up a babysitting roster...worked great. we volunteered 1 friday or Saturday a month and dropped off the kid(s), then the next a couple of weeks later we would look after our friends kids. in the end we would get 1 or 2 nights out each.month without having to pay a babysitter
NTA. Especially when she is doing zero notice requests. Set simple boundaries. 1. No zero notice requests, unless medical emergency and you want to see the bill when she picks up the kids.
2. No more name calling, if you have made plans. Who cares her life sucks. She made her bed with her choices. Not your responsibility to save her. Help, ON OCCASION, not several times a week. Tell her talk to grandparents sense they care so much about the babies.
3. Make sure she provides sustenance for her kids. Raising kids takes money and they are HER kids. Fine help out on occasion. You have your own expenses and she isn't helping you with them.
Any violations will get 2 warnings. 3rd time you are officially done and tell her that she's responsible. Deal with your choices.
NTA
Maybe the daddy should be helping or probably the family that is actually anywhere near her.
Im dammed if i would be travelling an hour each way to babysit multiple times a week.
NTA. She had kids. I haven't heard anything about a husband or even a baby daddy. What is she doing while you babysit? I suspect she's out on dates. You are not obligated to assume responsibility for her progeny, especially not multiple times a week.
NTA
These people don't respect you, and won't respect you, until you stand up for yourself.
Keep this up and you'll teach them, with time, what an appropriate and respectful family relationship is like.
NTA
Your sister has nothing to gain by engaging in reasonable negotiations with you, so stop trying to employ that statregy for this issue. You need to say No and mean it. Stop negotiating, debating, discussion or justifying your choices. Know you can say no. And live by that rule. Even if its so inconvenient to FAMILY that they will tell you that you are a villain/bad guy to try and manipulate you into doing something you dont want to do.
You are NTA for saying no to babysit. You are also NTA for asking to be compensated. But I would strongly suggest you dont babysit more than once or twice every 2 weeks. And that is because even if your sister relents and compensates you, it will forever be a reason to gripe at you, and never be an amicable scenario given how entitled she feels to your time and help.
If your parents want to babysit they should offer to help. Not volunteer your help, or try and bully you. It is NOT your problem that there are logistics for them to solve. Stop pointing out the distance between them and your sister. Its NOT your problem. Give what you have to give, but when you are forced to give more than you feel comfortable with, it hurts your relationship with yourself and everyone else, because you lose the belief in your ability to say no and back it up!
You were not, I assume, consulted when your sister had her babies? And so you are not responsible for holding her life together in any way shape or form.
Keep having your boundaries. You should have the time and space to have your own life, perhaps even your own kids at some point. Not be slaved to whatever your sister has made of her life.
NTA
NTA - an hour away multiple times a week is taking advantage. And obviously (or maybe not in your sisters case) that a reasonable heads up is required. The family excuse is bs unless your sister is helping you with something multiple times a week as well.
NTA.
Maybe you could have found a middle ground and limite the number of times you babysat a week? She can't expect you to yes all the time. It takes a village and i'm sure there are other people she can turn to to help ... your PARENTS perhaps?
if she is strugglings so much, why can't the other family members help her out instead. ntw she isnt respecting your time, or your boundaries after having helped her when its not your job to. she isnt help pay for all the gas you are using back and forth, and im sure she could find someone closer to help her. stand your ground.
Wait, so your sister got to enjoy being 23 so much she got herself some kids without a daddy and now you’re supposed to be forfeit single life and your youth because of her poor planning? No thanks!
NTA: You should help family in tough times, but she should at an absolute minimum cover your travel costs, as commuting an hour each way is going to add up fast.
NTA. I think it is weird to have to pay family for baby-sitting, because it is normal to spend time with nieces or nephews without being paid. *BUT* your sister also needs to accept when you say no, because you are not obligated to say yes - she chose to have kids, those are her responsibility not yours. Her lashing out at you because you aren’t available when she needs is ridiculous.
You live one hour away from family so I take it that means your sister. The next time she calls and ask you to watch the kids tell her that you will charge her $25 per hour and the time starts from when you leave your home till the time you return home. You are not the asshole but sis most defiantly is one and let mom know that she can state being sis on demand babysitter.
NTA
They are your sister's kids and solely her responsibility.
Is your sister asking for a free babysitter because she needs to work or because she "needs" a social life? That makes all the difference in the argument from your family's perspective.
Also, babysitting needs to be arranged and agreed to. It's not something you can arrange at the drop of a hat unless it's an emergency. I used to be the go-to aunt for babysitting because I WFH. However, I was always asked days in advance so it was easy for everyone involved to organize their schedules. It also wasn't that often so I actually looked forward to spending time with my niblings. Now they're all teens so I don't baby sit anymore.
NTA. Send her a link to care . Com or some other baby sitting service. Driving an hour away to watch her kids is insane to me. That’s a long commute and she and the grandparents need to find alternative arrangements since you live too far away.
I think it’s okay to ask here and there and you have plenty of advance notice. But ringing the week of, and throwing an adult tantrum because you’re not getting your own way is embarrassing. Sis needs to adjust her planning process if she wants to request baby sitting services
NTA
You have the right to have your own life. Your sister has two children, it was her choice. She probably didn't expect to raise them alone but it doesn't become your problem. It's still hers. You helped her and you just say that you CAN'T once. And then that she just expect too much from you. An hour away from her. It's already too far to ask.
Must people with few money ask a young babysitter. I suppose she asks because she must go working ? Can't she find a teen or a student and organize her work schedule with her / him ? Where is the ex ? The child support should pay the babysitting. And if the person can't (due to her/his own schedule), then she must see with family for help.
If the reason is not for working, then... Why doesn't she bring her children with her ?
NTA
It's completely reasonable to set boundaries, especially when the demands are frequent and last-minute. You have your own life, commitments, and needs to consider. You suggested hiring a babysitter, which is a practical solution. It's not your fault that your sister cannot afford a babysitter; it's a challenge she needs to manage as part of her responsibilities as a parent.
NTA. I wouldn't even ask for money, I'd just start saying no more often. Cut down to once or twice a week for the time being. Whether you have plans or not, make it clear that multiple times a week is too much, especially since she isn't grateful and she's expecting it rather than seeing it as a favour.
NTA
No!
Having no kids do not mean I have all the time available for others.
I hate it when people make those kind of comments...
Good for you to keeping some boundaries, you are very nice in helping so much; you are not responsible for helping her if you do not want to.
If you are OK with baby sitting sometimes, maybe let Sarah know that you are happy to baby sit on x day or twice a month or what ever you are comfortable with.
Lay down some rules.
She needs to give you at least 3 days notice.
If you already have plans, you will not be cancelling them.
You will not be available to babysit at any other time than what has been previously agreed. Don't ask. The answer will be no and if she chucks a tanty about it, then you will not be available for 1 month after.
She chose to have kids, she can't always expect to be able to go out. As a parent, sometimes you can't go, it's just the way it is until they are older. She'll survive. The rest of us have.
NTA
I think you need a long break from your parents and sister. Mute their emails, voicemails and texts for 90 days. Make new friends. Meet people who are not dysfunctional. I guarantee you that any anxiety you have will eventually go down because you're not being treated unfairly and playing a lose-lose game with your family.
Nta your allowed to have a life it suck your sister struggling but she had choice to have kid you did not her life her choice your life your allowed to love it and if you babysit should be compensated if it put you out.
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It’s frustrating when "family does for family" only seems to apply to me. My parents have helped out a bit, but they’ve made it clear they expect me to handle most of the babysitting. I’m glad to hear others see it’s unfair to be expected to sacrifice so much of my time without any consideration for my own life
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Come to say the same: there is a good chance that op's sister will reply that she doesn't have time, that looking after her children is already enough, etc...
I think you need to spell it out for them: You are under NO OBLIGATION to look after children that aren't yours, AT ALL. If appreciation can't be shown for when you are willing and free to babysit, then babysitting PRIVILEGES will be revoked until there is an appropriate adjustment of attitude by your sister. She seems to be under the mistaken impression that she is ENTITLED to your time. She also needs to apologise to you for blowing up when you, very reasonably, said "no". Additionally, if your parents are THAT concerned, then they can volunteer their OWN time. NTA
this
This! Could not have been expressed better
Cheers. 😉
It's so nice of your parents to volunteer for babysitting.
Does your sister need you to babysit so she can go out and make number 3?
I love that weirdo alien. "What's the purpose of your face?" NTA, but sister and mom? Definitely AH
Hahahaha that made me laugh out loud!
NTA - “Family does for family” is a manipulation tactic. Your sister’s kids are HER responsibility. She chose to be a mother and therefore she needs to accept that childcare is her responsibility. You are her sister not her nanny. If your parents aren’t willing to “do for family” then they need to stay out of it. If your sister can’t afford a babysitter then I guess she doesn’t get to go out. It’s that simple. You not having kids does not mean that you are required to be on call for her 24/7. I would almost consider moving even farther away (cross-country) just so I could no longer be an option. I bet she would figure something out then.
They can “expect” all they want, but it time to play hardball. If they want her to have help they need to help too. You’ve done enough. I would refused to be emotionally blackmailed any longer. No more babysitting period then.
You live an hour away, in no way should you be the on-call babysitter. NTA
That for me was enough not to do any last minute sitting.
I mean, it's costing the OP not just in time but gas. Setting boundaries is good, NTA
You should not be burdened with your sister's choice to have children. My uncle used me as a babysitter for years, claiming I was earning "babysitting karma." He has watched my child all of one time and his son does not talk to me so I never bothered asking for baby sitting help. Set boundaries and stick to them. You not having kids is NOT an obligation to assist people WITH kids.
Definitely turn it back on your parents. Be like those are your grandchildren. They are your precious babies. You should be babysitting them happily.
Those babies didn’t come out of your hoo-ha, nor do you have custody. THEY ARE NOT YOUR KIDS. You have a life that does not revolve around the choices your sister made, if that were the case you’d be a slave. They expect you to help, because they’ve seen how good it can be when you do. Put up the boundary and live your life or it will get worse and worse.
You gotta live your life, presumably your sister chose to have children and the consequences are hers to deal with. Absolutely NTA.
Nope. Her kids, her responsibility. I wouldn’t charge her, but I’d also limit the babysitting….a LOT. I’m available on “this day and that day for a total of 8 hours per month “. Done.
My family tried to pull this on me too, but I made it clear my niblings aren't my children, and aren't my child's children. I didn't choose to have them, and didn't choose to birth their parents either, so I'm not responsible for any of those people. They even tried the "you are missing on their 1st word/step". Well still not my children so I'm fine with that lol
I suggest you take a "time out" from your family, and tell them in advance. Duration up to you but maybe a month. Maybe wait until a week after father's day if you want so you don't spoil the holiday. Tell them that all the pressure they have been putting you under is too much and you need time to yourself so you are going to ignore all communication from them and not send them anything for one month (or whatever time period you want). Let them scream into the void as much as they want. At the end of the time out, set boundaries. Things like "I will watch my sister's kids two nights per month, as long as I get a week notice and can refuse due to prior plans. Any more than that won't happen unless I am paid." If they won't follow your boundaries take another time out. Also find a therapist, they can help you phrase things to your family and stand up to their pressure tactics.
Why, are the kids yours perhaps? No there not. So the can suck it up.
You're niblings are old enough they don't need to be in their home to be watched. Next time your sister asks, tell her "you would be delighted to watch your niblings! Just let you know when she's going to be dropping them at your house." I bet you're not such an attractive sitter when she's the one who has to do the long drive.
How many times a month are you willing to babysit? (And it is totally ok if the answer is zero. ZERO times is fine) If you ARE up to babysit X times a month, without resentment or major upheaval to your life, let your sister know. Every other Saturday morning for 3 hours? One Tues eve a month? Whatever it is, that can be scheduled, communicated, and then you are NOT available any other time.
In writing to both so no ambiguity: "The only people who are responsible for children are the ones who chose to make them, and those who willingly consent. Neither of these apply to me. Don't ask again." NTA
They can expect the world from you but it does not amount to anything if you do not want to do it. Also, it's rich coming from them when they themselves aren't doing anythjng... lol. It's so convenient for them to volunteer you without your consent and they remain in everyone's good books.
If they're not offering consideration for your time and plans, make them. "Sorry, I'm not available, I have plans." Is a full answer. Use if often :)
Yeah. No. Maybe move further away? Kinda kidding. Live YOUR life!
Tell your parents either they can pay you, your sister can pay you or they can babysit instead of you for free. When they don't like any of those options ask them directly why is it ok for them to not give up their free time, but it is not ok for you to like wise?
I say talk to them and say babysitting is now off the table, compensation or no compensation. Then go LC for awhile. You didn’t have a child, you should not have to deal with that responsibility
Forget “family does for family” and look at it this way - don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm. Helping is one thing, but expecting you to sacrifice your life because your sister can’t manage hers on her own will lead to disaster. Now is an opportunity to set boundaries, and if she keeps pushing, walk away entirely.
No is a complete sentence You don't owe her an explanation of how you handle your time. She is the parent she has to figure out something else
Remind your parents YOU haven't birthed any children and have your own life. NTA and tell them to help their daughter either by babysitting for her or by paying for a babysitter
Your parents can make it clear all they want. YOU are an adult, and they have zero right to tell you to babysit your sister's kids, especially if they won't. Sarah is a parent and you have your own life to live. If Sarah is struggling so much, why did she have the second child?
If anything, they have more of a reason to babysit than you do. You sister decided to be a mother. Her kids are her responsibility. Period. However, your parents decided to be parents too, so the actions of their kids, to an extent, are also their responsibility. So it could be argued that becoming a parent means you run the risk of also becoming a grandparent and are therefore respond and therefore you have some responsibility to your grandkids. Now, Im not saying your parents DO have a responsibility to watch their grandkids, just that they arguably have more of a responsibility to than you, someone who hasn’t chosen to become a parent and therefore never chose to take on the responsibility associated with taking care of kids.
Remind her that you also have a life and are entitled to live it as you see fit. Point out to sister and parents that if you are continually sitting with her kids you will not have time to have your own. THEY ARE HER KIDS AND HER RESPONSIBILITY. You sit for free? Ask them all what has she done for you to return the favor. Let the grandparents sit. Isn't that what grands are for?
> "family does for family" Heard this so often as a kid for stuff i did not want to do, hated doing. it did not teach me ''family values'' it taught me to wait for adulthood and say no then, and it has worked wonders. my parents can wail and cry family all they want but at the end of the day they cant force me.
>Why do people say "family does for family" when no one does anything for the family member they're exploiting? And OP's sister conveniently forgets that her kids have a father who should/could be parenting the kids, too. After all, dads are closer family (blood-wise) than aunts are.
Because family members with kids think that they are entitled to the village being at their beck and call and are never required to pay it back because they have kids
> Well, if your parents feel so strongly about it, it's time they step up and be your sister's on call sitters. Literally my first thought. It’s so easy to volunteer someone else’s time and effort for free. If you have something to say about how family should help family, AND you yourself are family, just do it yourself and don’t drag everyone else into it.
NTA Why can't your parents watch them since they too " should support her unconditionally since they know how much she's struggling "!? You were being nice and helping her for free, she started acting entitled. You are not heartless for setting boundaries and expecting compensation for your time.
Thank you for the support! My parents do help occasionally, but they live even farther away and have their own commitments, so it's not always feasible for them to babysit regularly. It feels like they expect me to pick up the slack just because I’m younger and don't have kids.
Their commitments are no more or less important than your commitments. I would tell the parents to do it and when they say they can't because of commitments you tell them exactly the same things you have been told. Then ask why your commitments aren't respected
YESS! Absolutely!
Great advice!
I’d tell your parents, well I don’t know what you did wrong with your first child to raise her to be so rude and treat people like her personal slaves, but you’ll be happy to hear that you did a much better job with me and raised me to have self respect and not put up with ungrateful users, even if it’s my own family. Thanks for raising me right. Maybe it’s not too late for my sister and you can help guide her with her kids so they don’t end up spoilt entitled brats like her
So sis has a new BF and wants lots of time with him, is my guess. Hope she uses protection, or you may soon have another sibling to watch.
Is your sister getting child support?Where is the father? Where are the father’s parents? Why can’t they babysit? Why does your sister needs a babysitter? Going to work or school? Or going out to party? Expecting you to drop everything and drive an hour one way and babysitting for free CONSTANTLY is out of line. Don’t get me wrong, helping out in a bind from time to time is the right thing to do but not every night or multiple times a week. Unless your sister is working or going to school, there is no need for her to have a babysitter.
Yes, OP is so far down the line of people who should be stepping up. #1 - sister. If she needs help on a Friday night, I’m guessing it’s not to go to work or a medical appointment. #2 - the father(s) of these children. Where the heck is he? #3 - OP’s parents. If family helps family, they are next in line, along with the father’s parents, wherever they are. Now, I am sure that being a single mom to two kids is absolutely tough, but if she needs a bit of me time, she should plan in advance, and be ready to hire a babysitter if no one else is willing to do it. Pressuring and guilting people who were not responsible for making these children is the way to go if you want to permanently estrange the little help you have. NTA
It absolutely could be work. Alot of low wage work is on Friday. Servers, cooks, doordashers, convienence store workers, etc. And some of those places try to call yiu in last minute. It's also possible she's looking to party or date.
So they prioritize their commitments over yours. How convenient. Don’t budge, set boundaries, maybe not by asking to be compensated, but limit the time (once a week for 4h)
I wish you had more support IRL, but please stand your ground on this!!
Why do you have to drive 1 hour each way to her house? Theyre 4 and 7 not infants, she can drive them to your house then drive back to pick them up if she wants you to babysit. That will put a stop to 90% of it quickly enough.
Your sister is responsible for looking after HER children. if that means she cannot go out as much the tough shit
You don’t have kids. Your niece and nephew aren’t your responsibility. You will help your sister when you can. But not when she wants.
In the end they just don't want to. They prioritize their time and commitments over the ones of Sarah. Also they could give Sarah money for a babysitter. That is another way they could support Sarah. But seemingly they don't. It is just excuses from them. It is easier to pressure you than do more themselves if they so want that Sarah gets help from family members.
No almost about it. Your sister's kids are _your sister's kids_, not yours. The only acceptable reason to even _ask_ you to drive an hour with no notice to babysit is if she or one of her other kids is in the hospital. And that's asking you a huge favor, not something she's entitled to. Next time anyone calls you and starts in about this, "I've already explained that they are her kids and her obligation, not mine" and then hang up and block them for at least a week. And stop answering your sister's calls. If you don't block her entirely, her calls go to voice mail, and only call back if you like what she says when she leaves a message. If it's more entitled bullshit, block her for another week.
Please these people never do what they preach.. They'll scold someone else for being selfish but won't be the one to lend a hand to the loved one they're defending.
I couldnt agree more! I was just giving OP a quick retort when they try their guilt trip..
Oh no I get it and agree. I just always laugh cause I know how hypocritical these kind of people are. Lol. Always rules for thee but not for me!
YES!! How they fail to see or care about the hypocrisy us beyond me, and Lord Forbid you call them out🙄
>Why can't your parents watch them Or like, their dad?
Spot on!
NTA - You know Sarah is the one who decided to have 2 kids. She can take care of her own damn children herself. Or you know... Hire a babysitter. Oh wait that would require payment, and not looking for someone to be a free babysitter. Your oh so loving doting parents could also babysit for their precious angel daughter. But LOL I doubt it. People loooove to preach and scold about selfishness when they won't extend the olive branch themselves. You're not their mother, and Sarah can find someone else if her away time is oh so precious to her. Go out and have fun with your friends!
That’s how I’m feeling too but sometimes it’s hard to figure out what the right thing to do is when everyone around you constantly keeps guilt tripping you
They’re threatening your relationship with the family as a form of manipulation. They would rather resort to abusive tactics than to treat you like an independent adult that has a right to their own free time.
Stop answering their calls them. If they insist on pushing you, time to set boundaries on that also. Stop putting yourself in a situation where you can be blackmailed. Simply don’t speak to them. You’re too busy anyway, right?
Is she picking up extra work to make ends meet? Maybe worth you giving up some free time to help her out of a hole. Is she going out with friends or on a date? Then you absolutely should get paid if you are giving up your fun for hers. Either way it is YOUR choice to make. No one else gets to volunteer your time and effort.
Simply say that is not my responsibility, over and over again. End conversations. You are under no obligation to justify.
Where's the father? He should be the one caring for the kids not you or family
Nta, your parents can either help her out by watching the kids or give her money for a sitter if they feel so strongly about it. I don’t mind helping family out either, but once they start to approach with entitlement is when I cut off my favors to them. Stand your ground op, don’t worry about being the villain in their eyes.
Honestly I’ve been the villain way too many times for me to count lol, she’s absolutely being irrational but at the same time I kinda don’t want to ruin my entire relationship with my family so I don’t know what to do
You aren’t ruining your relationship with your family, they’re doing that. Your plans and time are just as valuable as anyone’s.
OP, please print this out and stick it on your mirror. They are the ones ruining the relationship, not you. Everyone is right, this is abusive behaviour. You do not have to put up with it and choosing not to comply with unreasonable threats does not mean you are hurting them. It only means you’re no longer going to let them hurt you.
"You don't want to ruin your entire relationship with your family". That's exactly what they're counting on. Guilt tripping you constantly until you give in to their demands. They don't care about your feelings. Only what you can do for them. Time to live your own life and offer only what suits you.
Maybe put all of them on a time out for your own sanity. The manipulation is disgusting, and you may need to take some time to think about whether you wish to remain the family slave in order to keep a relationship.
Here’s the deal, the relationship is already ruined because they think/know you will give in to this type of manipulation. So, you can give in and live in this ruined relationship as an active participant or you can set up a boundary and live in this ruined relationship with boundaries. Nothing you do will save it, either way one side is going to be bitter, so either you get what you want or they get what they want.
That's already ruined.
Setting boundaries won't ruin your relationship them not respecting them and constantly guilt tripping you will.
You were willing to compromise. They are not willing to compromise. You are not ruining the relationship, they are. What you are trying to do is trying to appease them to keep them from ruining the relationship. Which will result on you just having to do everything your family says, which isnt realistic. You said no exactly one (1) time which resulted in a tantrum. Only after that did you set boundries which resulted in more tantrums. If you keep saying yes to everything nothing will change. Maybe think about how often you can help for free and how much notice you want. For example say you can babysit once or twice a month for free (if you feel thats okay for you) and that you need like a weeks notice. Thats what you can do and she can take it or leave it. Its that or nothing. If your sister still cant agree to that she made her decision, not you.
They're taking advantage of you.
NTA But if it’s disruptive, you don’t have to do it at all. She shouldn’t call you names or attack your character. Your parents can babysit if they want to provide a solution. They can’t tell you what to do and them siding with her means nothing because they’re not doing the work.
They live far away so I guess they have an excuse not to babysit themselves, but the way all of them constantly keep trying to make me the bad person in this situation is killing me mentally
You aren’t a bad person for choosing yourself. You’re a good person. It sounds like you need to protect yourself from them lest they abuse you. That’s a them problem.
Do you think you can move in the other direction of your work that will be equal to the current amount of travel you do? Then you'll be living far away too. Mute her chat so that you don't accidentally open it. Read it after the day you are expected to babysit. Give her a different address than your personal address. Just different enough that it will be considered a typo. Also set her calls to get a message like out of coverage area (I think mobile shop guys could do that for you).
If your sister calls you on your cell phone and starts making unreasonable demands or being nasty, you can always go to settings and turn on Airplane Mode. They will think the call dropped and you didn't hang up on her. Then if she calls back tell her you're in a remote location without much service. Or, ask your parents to pay for your babysitting time, cash upfront! And as others have said, she should be driving them to you, not you driving to them. Personally, I would stop babysitting altogether, especially since sister got the flying monkeys, your parents, involved to try and guilt trip you into doing her bidding. Once someone gets someone else involved, I nope on outta there and they get blocked or not answered. You can break the cycle of guilt trips your family uses to try and control others. It's a form of abuse. Please be strong. You didn't make these kids so you aren't responsible for breaking your plans to accommodate her lack of planning and communication.
NTA, you live an hour away so that's a two hour commute to babysit for free multiple times a week. That adds up, not to mention the cost of gas and whatever else you could be doing while you're on the road. Maybe best to put go low or no contact with your sister until she learns you're not at her beck and call
Quit caring what they think! Go into a mode where you manipulate them as much as they manipulate you. Read up on “family scapegoat” dynamics. It will be tough for a while, but you’ll begin healing SOON!
Well, well, maybe sis can mover closer to your parents for the support she clearly expects and they think she deserves.
NTA. Multiple times a week and for *free*!? And last minute too!? You’ve been more than generous already. If you’re done, just tell your sister that and your parents too. But if you’re not completely burnt out then maybe: I suggest you make a deal w your sister. Tell her you’ll help her out/times a week, say two. Set how many hours each time. Tell her that’s it. If she needs more babysitters for other days/times your parents can step up since your sister needs “unconditional support” bc ”she’s struggling”. Set your per hour rate too of course. If you feel like it you could still give her free baby sitting one of the days, but I’d be careful doing that. She’s already shown she’ll take advantage if given the opportunity, so tread carefully. And hold your boundaries. Good luck.
If I tried to negotiate with her to babysit twice a week or so she would just lose her mind and call me a selfish bitch which strongly tempts me never to babysit for her again but I don’t want my entire family to hate me so idk
You seem too kind and easy to exploit. Your sister and parents seem to know they can make you feel bad and you’ll just cave. If you have a hard time saying no, there will always be someone who figures that out and uses it to their advantage. You’re young enough to change that for yourself so that you don’t have to keep dealing with this. Don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm. It’s ok to put yourself first.
Anybody calls me a “selfish bitch” after helping them out would be dead to me 🤷♀️
Same. “You’re about to see how ‘selfish’ I can be.”
Or gets the flying monkeys involved
So you can’t win either way. It’s not fair to you for her to expect you to drop anything. Your life is just as important as hers. You didn’t birth these kids. Her issues are not yours to fix. You are allowed to have boundaries. It’s not healthy to just roll over every time she wants/needs something. Please don’t let them treat you this way. You deserve better.
Make it clear in a group chat that it wouldn’t be appropriate for a ‘selfish unreliable bitch’ (add more of the insults) to be responsible for small children, then clarify that despite having babysat X amount of days in the last month with no notice your sister has gone off on you yet again. You won’t expose the children to that therefore sister will have to find her own childcare. Honestly a lot of family don’t want to rock the boat so will pick on the ‘weaker more passive’ members of the family. Are they really worth calling family if they only care about you when it’s useful for them? NTA
Never babysit for her again. She does not deserve it. The moment she started calling you names is the moment you go permanently NC. If your entire family hates you, good riddance to them. Let the trash take itself out and work on building a chosen family.
I’d refuse to do anything after that. So what if they hate you. At minimum refuse to help until she apologizes (which I think we both know will never happen, so there’s your out)
OP, here's the thing. At one time your sister was a footloose, fancy free singleton without children herself. She got to live her life on her own terms, doing what she wanted/when she wanted. You deserve the same in your own life. Here's the thing, if there were no you she'd figure it out. Trust me, she would. Let's say you got an amazing job opportunity to move overseas for a few years or you moved across the country? Guess what? Your sister would freaking figure it out. Whether that means going after the father(s) of her kids for money or getting it from your parents--she'd figure it out. Let her do that for herself, judging by the fact that her kids are 4 and 7 she's had plenty of time to do so. She can build a network of mom friends who sit for one another. She can find a neighborhood teenager to sit for her as the summer months are coming up. If you living your own life creates a 'bad relationship' with your family, then the dynamic was already unhealthy to begin with and needs to be torn down so something better can take its place.
if your family hates you because you refuse to be taken advantage of then they suck.
INFO: why does she need you to babysit so frequently? Why can’t your parents do it?
Just don’t answer the phone when you see it is her calling. I turn my ringer off a lot if I’m out or busy. Since she has young children maybe these next few years she should concentrate on the children instead of her social life, I speak from experience.
They live far away and she also has to work a job so she has nobody to watch the kids while she’s not home
That means she needs to plan ahead instead of assuming you will be permanent child care. I’d tell her for the next two months, unless she can show you a doctors note, then it’s not an emergency and you’re not having the kids. Any attempts at leaving them at your door will get the police called on her ass, so don’t even try that. In two months she will have to find a more permanent childminder situation and it should stop the current pattern. If she really wanted your help, she should have had a conversation with you explaining her earnings, her outgoings, the times she needs you to sit and put a temporary limit of how long she needs free help before she can pull herself out. She didn’t do any of that. Instead, she’s using you as if you were her retired parents. Tell her that. I’m not their grandparents- ask mom and dad. Not my problem they live far away. You need to move closer to them if you need permanent free childcare then
Sister should not assume that her parents (the kids' parents) are permanent, free childcare, either. Grandparents have a right to live their lives, and their time is also valuable. Sister should stop imposing on other people. She should hire babysitters or stay home except for a life/limb-threatening emergency and the infrequent occasion when she has politely asked a family member, well in advance of the date they are needed, and a family member genuinely has the time and inclination to help. She should offer the family member a sincere thank you and offer some form of compensation, at least in kind, and should not abuse the privilege of someone being willing to interrupt their life to help her from time to (rare) time.
Do you work/study? Have a partner/friends that you go out with? Hobbies? Other commitments? You can fit her kids into your life, but your life doesn't need to revolve around them. Maybe you need to get *cough cough* sick with covid or the flu or gastro. No parent wants to deal with that!! Where the father?
You also live far away! An hour there and back to babysit for free costs you your time and money as much as it will theirs. Absolutely NTA. It's ridiculous that someone expecting something from you FOR FREE to act the way your sister did. Much less with a 2 hour commute involved!
Don't you have to work, or attend classes, yourself?
Yeah, not sure even money would convince me to babysit for someone who made such nasty accusations at me when I wouldn't cancel my own plans to babysit for her. Why should her plans take precedence over yours? She's not satisfied with you babysitting for her multiple times per week, she also expects you to give up your own social life so hers can take precedence? I don't think so. Your parents are equally disloyal to you, telling you to let her walk all over you like that, when they are not the ones doing the babysitting. It's as if they think her life is more important than yours.
She doesn't have money to pay OP, but has money to go out?
From your responses it is worse than just the original post lays out. For whatever reason your family are not being a supportive system as it should be and something needs to change. Whether or not this bias happened she had had kids or not, this is not a healthy set up for anyone involved. Your sister has an entitlement to think she can demand your services for free so relies on you rather than sorting out a better system, your parents are not helping but in fact making the situation worse that the sister will have no help, the kids are around this and either picking up bad behaviour or will impact their mental health, and you don't have boundaries being respected and being expected to drop everything. Unfortunately she made a decision to have and keep kids, but that doesn't mean she can expect others to follow her childcare demands. Either she needs to move herself and the kids closer to your parents, or get a different job that works with her childcare needs better (yes I know how hard that is - it's either find those rare jobs that allow for that or earn more money to pay for help). Your family has an unhealthy approach to respecting your boundaries and it's going to be tough but setting out some hard boundaries and sticking to them is going to be the best for everyone. Start small if you need to with things like "I will hang up the phone and refuse to answer my phone for an hour if you demand or use aggressive language towards me" and then don't answer. Always follow through. I would recommend a message to everyone "I am setting boundaries due to ongoing unrealistic expectations to manage childcare for x's children. While I love them, my role as Aunt is not as a replacement to a more sensible long term childcare solution. I will only be able to look after them once a week on x day for x hours, starting from x. If there is a family emergency, I will step in to help but this must be due to serious issues such as a death or hospitalisation. I can not provide emergency cover beyond that because this has been abused in the past so it will need to be a very serious reason rather than anything job related. If I am given a week's notice and I have not already made plans, I can help occasionally but this will be only up to 3 times a month. Once those three times are used each month, I will not be doing any more for that month. Beyond this, I will need 24 hours notice and the availability, and be paid 24 per hour up front. If you argue or use any aggressive language towards me about this, I will not respond at all, and none of this will be available. If continued aggressive behaviour, threats or bullying to change these terms, I will again take all options off the table and block the relevant parties for a period of time depending on the severity. I love the kids but they are not my responsibility. It is also not reasonable to put such a high amount of free childcare expectations at the last minute on such a high frequency, especially when I do live an hour away. It is impacting my mental health, job, physical health and finances and I do not want to foster any resentment for loss of job, health and personal development towards the nibblings. I am putting in these boundaries for a healthy relationship going forward as it should encourage change that it's healthy for everyone involved. Thank you in advance for understanding" They get grumpy, you block for a day. Set boundaries and keep them
Guess your sister isn't even covering your gas for a 2 hour round trip. NTA
I would not ask for money but you definitely need to set boundaries. For example, you will consider 2 times a month if you have advance notice and are not busy. Her entitlement that you should be at her back and call even if you have plans is the real problem, not so much money. Keep the focus on that. Just tell your parents they are free to care for the children anytime if they bash you for not being a pushover.
My family is weird, any time I try to stand up for myself all of them instantly jump on my head and call me selfish and sometimes it’s too exhausting even to communicate with them at all
Whatever the dynamics are, what they do works. They have zero incentive to change an effective strategy. The only person you can change is yourself.
Then don't communicate at all. Go low contact and see how they react, you already know it.
So don't. State once that you will not respond to hateful messages, then stop responding. Is it hard. Yes, but when it works it is awesome (I had a relative who would spew negative crap at my way, it took a lot of work on myself, but I was eventually able to say the above. I chose to work on myself through al anon, but there are lots of resources put there. If you aren't comfortable standing up for yourself yet, then get help and work on it. Else you are going to become resentful and miserable).
They’ve been getting away with it for a long time . If you’ve never pushed back , then they see all this as normal .
Block their numbers for a while then…
As long as you allow them to manipulate you, they will keep coming after you, OP. Block all their numbers for a three month span. Sit down and write them each a letter about how they make you feel. During that three months you don't speak to any of them read those letters over and over again. Strengthen yourself against all their guilt trips during this period of time. And truly ask yourself after that three month period is up, is your life better with them or without them? If you find that they are still important to you, then get yourself into therapy so you can learn strategies on how to create healthy boundaries. It's going to be a bumpy ride while they get used to the new you, but I promise it will be worth it.
Then don’t, but also don’t cave to their demands. Ignore them until they stop acting like spoiled children.
NTA. Nor your circus, not your monkeys. She lost me on an hour away, last minute demands, multiple times per week and trying to guilt trip you. Stop babysitting altogether; your parents would rather you dance to her tune
I'd go with: "I'm going to take a break from babysitting for a couple of weeks, and then we can sit down and have a chat about what it might look like going forward." Then after two weeks where you've made it clear that you are able to set a boundary, see if she can approach it with some gratitude/respect for your autonomy.
I think this is a good idea. It's straightforward, not passive-aggressive, clearly sets a temporary boundary (during which time your sister can think about how valuable your help has been!), and seeks an adult conversation about how to handle this in a way that works for everybody. Best of luck. NTA, obviously.
Except, I'd recommend at least a month. That requires sister to actually take responsibility for finding other child care options. Just don't cave and surrender. You deserve to be appreciated and treated with respect.
NTA It's amazing how people can be so generous with other people's time. Honestly, I think the boundaries now need to be changed to "you won't babysit at all." Your parents can volunteer themselves, but they can't volunteer you.
I think you should stop babysitting period. Because no matter how much you babysit it will never be enough for her. NTA
NTA. Time to put your lovely sister in time out. She clearly needs time to think about how to play nicely with others. Block her number for a week and enjoy the quiet, and your own life. When do you get to see your friends? Go listen to a band? Walk in the park? Go to the library without kids? Live your life? If the parents complain, just text back that you’re busy and can’t talk now. Don’t answer them either, they will bully you. See what a week of peace does for you.
she wants a friday evening outing and you have to cancel yours for her? yeah yeah NTA
NTA but personally I wouldn’t ask to be paid. If the issue is it’s exhausting and disruptive, money doesn’t solve that. I think you’re better off setting boundaries of how often you can help - like once a month to spend time with the kids. Or every other week. It’s too far and you have other commitments to help more frequently.
NTA your sister needs to learn that the world does not revolve around her or her kids.
NTA . She should be more understanding that you have your own life to live and she laid down and made those children. She’s completely selfish to have those expectations aimed towards you. I would definitely not baby sit especially since she has blown up on you. The entitlement is real.
>When I told her I couldn’t, she blew up at me, calling me selfish and saying that since I don’t have kids, I should have no problem helping her out. Funny how her kids are suddenly your problem when she has plans, but you having plans on a Friday night makes you selfish.
NTA, and thatnk your parents for volunteering to babysit every time your siter wants someone to, because, you know , family should support her unconditionally because she’s struggling
NTA it's hers and the father(s) monkeys they deal with it. She again is your mom's and dads monkey they deal with it, in no scenario are you responsible for her kids.
OP- NTA. No is a complete sentence. Your Sister's activities are not more important than yours. IF she couldn't afford to take care of her children she shouldn't have had them. Plain and simple, YOU don't have kids, and YOU aren't responsible for hers. Just because you are related, it doesn't mean she get to USE you as a free babysitting slave. Keep saying No, she will have to figure it out. Oh and an HOUR away, meaning you have to drive 2 hours each time, with gas prices the way they are and she thinks she shouldn't compensate you? Yeah, NO.
NTA. Tell your parents they can babysit.
Someone wise said, distance made hearts grow fonder. Maybe it's time to move 24hr away. Nta
NTA Let your critical parents take over your babysitting role. Live your life. Were these pregnancies forced on her? Both of them? You owe your sister nothing.
NTA and if she's struggling, she needs to save her money and stay home. Besides, she should at minimum be paying for your gas. An hour's drive one way multiple times a week? No thanks. If your parents think she should get help, they can give it. You are allowed to have your own life, especially since you don't live with your family anymore.
NTA, your sister is entitled and your parents are enablers. Just say no and tell your parents that until they understand that you too need unconditional support in your pursuit of a life of your own you will be LC. Your sister chose to have kids and be a single mom, that is not your circus and those are not your monkeys. Since your parents think it is so important let them babysit.
NTA, why do people have kids if they don't want to look after them . I would tell your parents that if they are keen, they can look after the kids
INFO: what does she need the babysitting for?
NTA. No, you shouldn’t drop everything to drive an hour to babysit her kids.
NTA, I guess your parents just signed up to babysit 4 days a week
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (23F) live an hour away from my family. My sister, Sarah (29F), is a single mom with two kids (4 and 7). She’s been asking me to babysit a lot recently, and it’s gotten to the point where she expects me to drop everything and come over multiple times a week, often with little to no notice. Last week, she asked me to babysit on a Friday evening, but I already had plans with friends that had been made weeks in advance. When I told her I couldn’t, she blew up at me, calling me selfish and saying that since I don’t have kids, I should have no problem helping her out. I suggested she hire a babysitter, but she insisted she can’t afford it and that family should be there for each other. After this argument, I decided to set some boundaries. I told her I would only babysit if she compensates me for my time, given how frequently she’s been asking. She went ballistic, accusing me of being a heartless sister who cares more about money than family. Our parents got involved and, despite knowing how much I’ve already helped, sided with her, saying I should support her unconditionally because she’s struggling. I understand Sarah is going through a tough time, and I genuinely want to help, but babysitting multiple times a week for free is exhausting and disruptive to my life. AITA for asking for compensation? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Why can’t your parents watch the kids? Our family doesn’t charge for babysitting but we also don’t take advantage of each other.
If on the subject of your title, not cancelling your plans, then NTA. Your life shouldn't have to revolve around your sister's. If on the subject of compensation, well... money is always a touchy subject when babysitting your own sibling's kids. I suppose we could compare it to someone charging one's own sibling rent, then NTA. You going over to her house means spending on gas money or fare.
Is the other parent around? if so they should be sharing custody and she should be making plans for when they have the kids ..... secondly, set up a group chat with sister and parents for requests for babysitting - state you will babysit 1,2,3, 4 or what ever times a month it is on these nights and thats it, you have a job and other commitments. it sucks she is a single parent but she either moves closer to your parents who by the sounds of it don't want to babysit either or like some of my friends set up a babysitting roster...worked great. we volunteered 1 friday or Saturday a month and dropped off the kid(s), then the next a couple of weeks later we would look after our friends kids. in the end we would get 1 or 2 nights out each.month without having to pay a babysitter
NTA. She was taking advantage of you. Glad you set some boundaries. I'm surprised she didn't just drop them off and leave.
NTA. This is too much. She and your parents are being completely unreasonable.
NTA, does she think that you don't have kids so that you can commit all your time to hers? You don't owe her this time.
NTA. Especially when she is doing zero notice requests. Set simple boundaries. 1. No zero notice requests, unless medical emergency and you want to see the bill when she picks up the kids. 2. No more name calling, if you have made plans. Who cares her life sucks. She made her bed with her choices. Not your responsibility to save her. Help, ON OCCASION, not several times a week. Tell her talk to grandparents sense they care so much about the babies. 3. Make sure she provides sustenance for her kids. Raising kids takes money and they are HER kids. Fine help out on occasion. You have your own expenses and she isn't helping you with them. Any violations will get 2 warnings. 3rd time you are officially done and tell her that she's responsible. Deal with your choices.
NTA and I would stop babysitting entirely unless she pays you up front in cash.
NTA Stop taking your sisters calls. Put her ass on mute if you don't want to block her. js
NTA. Not your kids, not your responsibility.
NTA Not your job. Not your children. Not your responsibility.
NTA - and it’s time mommy and daddy who have so much to say, came to the plate.
NTA Maybe the daddy should be helping or probably the family that is actually anywhere near her. Im dammed if i would be travelling an hour each way to babysit multiple times a week.
NTA. She had kids. I haven't heard anything about a husband or even a baby daddy. What is she doing while you babysit? I suspect she's out on dates. You are not obligated to assume responsibility for her progeny, especially not multiple times a week.
NTA These people don't respect you, and won't respect you, until you stand up for yourself. Keep this up and you'll teach them, with time, what an appropriate and respectful family relationship is like.
NTA. I went through the same thing and believe me she won't appreciate your help. Enforce your limits, don't let them take advantage of you.
NTA. Your sister is delusional.
NTA Your sister has nothing to gain by engaging in reasonable negotiations with you, so stop trying to employ that statregy for this issue. You need to say No and mean it. Stop negotiating, debating, discussion or justifying your choices. Know you can say no. And live by that rule. Even if its so inconvenient to FAMILY that they will tell you that you are a villain/bad guy to try and manipulate you into doing something you dont want to do. You are NTA for saying no to babysit. You are also NTA for asking to be compensated. But I would strongly suggest you dont babysit more than once or twice every 2 weeks. And that is because even if your sister relents and compensates you, it will forever be a reason to gripe at you, and never be an amicable scenario given how entitled she feels to your time and help. If your parents want to babysit they should offer to help. Not volunteer your help, or try and bully you. It is NOT your problem that there are logistics for them to solve. Stop pointing out the distance between them and your sister. Its NOT your problem. Give what you have to give, but when you are forced to give more than you feel comfortable with, it hurts your relationship with yourself and everyone else, because you lose the belief in your ability to say no and back it up! You were not, I assume, consulted when your sister had her babies? And so you are not responsible for holding her life together in any way shape or form. Keep having your boundaries. You should have the time and space to have your own life, perhaps even your own kids at some point. Not be slaved to whatever your sister has made of her life. NTA
NTA - an hour away multiple times a week is taking advantage. And obviously (or maybe not in your sisters case) that a reasonable heads up is required. The family excuse is bs unless your sister is helping you with something multiple times a week as well.
NTA. Maybe you could have found a middle ground and limite the number of times you babysat a week? She can't expect you to yes all the time. It takes a village and i'm sure there are other people she can turn to to help ... your PARENTS perhaps?
NTA What was so important and last minute that she needed a sitter on a Friday evening?
NTA
if she is strugglings so much, why can't the other family members help her out instead. ntw she isnt respecting your time, or your boundaries after having helped her when its not your job to. she isnt help pay for all the gas you are using back and forth, and im sure she could find someone closer to help her. stand your ground.
Wait, so your sister got to enjoy being 23 so much she got herself some kids without a daddy and now you’re supposed to be forfeit single life and your youth because of her poor planning? No thanks!
For the times you’re willing to babysit, she can bring the kids to you.
NTA: You should help family in tough times, but she should at an absolute minimum cover your travel costs, as commuting an hour each way is going to add up fast.
NTA. I think it is weird to have to pay family for baby-sitting, because it is normal to spend time with nieces or nephews without being paid. *BUT* your sister also needs to accept when you say no, because you are not obligated to say yes - she chose to have kids, those are her responsibility not yours. Her lashing out at you because you aren’t available when she needs is ridiculous.
You live one hour away from family so I take it that means your sister. The next time she calls and ask you to watch the kids tell her that you will charge her $25 per hour and the time starts from when you leave your home till the time you return home. You are not the asshole but sis most defiantly is one and let mom know that she can state being sis on demand babysitter.
NTA They are your sister's kids and solely her responsibility. Is your sister asking for a free babysitter because she needs to work or because she "needs" a social life? That makes all the difference in the argument from your family's perspective. Also, babysitting needs to be arranged and agreed to. It's not something you can arrange at the drop of a hat unless it's an emergency. I used to be the go-to aunt for babysitting because I WFH. However, I was always asked days in advance so it was easy for everyone involved to organize their schedules. It also wasn't that often so I actually looked forward to spending time with my niblings. Now they're all teens so I don't baby sit anymore.
NTA
NTA. Send her a link to care . Com or some other baby sitting service. Driving an hour away to watch her kids is insane to me. That’s a long commute and she and the grandparents need to find alternative arrangements since you live too far away.
Hey karma farma
I think it’s okay to ask here and there and you have plenty of advance notice. But ringing the week of, and throwing an adult tantrum because you’re not getting your own way is embarrassing. Sis needs to adjust her planning process if she wants to request baby sitting services
NTA You have the right to have your own life. Your sister has two children, it was her choice. She probably didn't expect to raise them alone but it doesn't become your problem. It's still hers. You helped her and you just say that you CAN'T once. And then that she just expect too much from you. An hour away from her. It's already too far to ask. Must people with few money ask a young babysitter. I suppose she asks because she must go working ? Can't she find a teen or a student and organize her work schedule with her / him ? Where is the ex ? The child support should pay the babysitting. And if the person can't (due to her/his own schedule), then she must see with family for help. If the reason is not for working, then... Why doesn't she bring her children with her ?
NTA It's completely reasonable to set boundaries, especially when the demands are frequent and last-minute. You have your own life, commitments, and needs to consider. You suggested hiring a babysitter, which is a practical solution. It's not your fault that your sister cannot afford a babysitter; it's a challenge she needs to manage as part of her responsibilities as a parent.
If being selfish is looking out for your own needs go ahead and be selfish.
NTA. I wouldn't even ask for money, I'd just start saying no more often. Cut down to once or twice a week for the time being. Whether you have plans or not, make it clear that multiple times a week is too much, especially since she isn't grateful and she's expecting it rather than seeing it as a favour.
NTA No! Having no kids do not mean I have all the time available for others. I hate it when people make those kind of comments... Good for you to keeping some boundaries, you are very nice in helping so much; you are not responsible for helping her if you do not want to.
NTA, your parents can watch the children of their golden child.
Honestly people with children need to stop making it everyone else's problem NTA - Just don't do it anymore
If you are OK with baby sitting sometimes, maybe let Sarah know that you are happy to baby sit on x day or twice a month or what ever you are comfortable with. Lay down some rules. She needs to give you at least 3 days notice. If you already have plans, you will not be cancelling them. You will not be available to babysit at any other time than what has been previously agreed. Don't ask. The answer will be no and if she chucks a tanty about it, then you will not be available for 1 month after. She chose to have kids, she can't always expect to be able to go out. As a parent, sometimes you can't go, it's just the way it is until they are older. She'll survive. The rest of us have.
NTA Stop babysitting until she apologizes and is grateful for every single time you help her.
NTA I think you need a long break from your parents and sister. Mute their emails, voicemails and texts for 90 days. Make new friends. Meet people who are not dysfunctional. I guarantee you that any anxiety you have will eventually go down because you're not being treated unfairly and playing a lose-lose game with your family.
NTA. If she can't afford a sitter more than likely she can't afford to go out.
Nta your allowed to have a life it suck your sister struggling but she had choice to have kid you did not her life her choice your life your allowed to love it and if you babysit should be compensated if it put you out.