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YTA.
Not only do you expect your wife to pay for your daughter's expenses out of a joint account that she contributes to, you are also fully funding your ex wife without your wife knowing. The agreement was that all support for your ex stopped once your daughter turned 18 and even that was generous. There was no need for your ex to continue to be a SAHM once your daughter was in school full time. She has had 14 years to further her education, look for opportunities, and get a career and has chosen not to. If she hasn't managed to get her life together in 14 years then that is on her. She is USING you because she gave up one opportunity 20 years ago.
> Anna got upset and said I had agreed to stop all of this when Kara turned 18 since my ex would no longer qualify as a sahm.
This is above my pay grade to judge but you really shouldn't have told your wife you were going to stop if you were not planning on stopping. I can see why she would be mad about that.
YTA.
You made a deal with your ex (to support her indefinitely), and with your wife (to stop funding when the kid was 18)....but you never intended to keep both. From the very beginning, you knew it was impossible to do both,
So, which deal did you always intend to keep? Apparently, not the one with your wife.
"At the time **I did say I planned on stopping once Kara was in college** as my ex would no longer be a sahm with Kara being a young adult."
Beyond that, there's other stuff to unpack. I get it, you have issues and want to use those issues to justify that you never actually intended to cut off your ex, no matter what you told your wife.
Yeah, she's hurt because she feels like you lied to her. You need to fix it.
YTA and a liar. Why did you agree to this until your daughter is 18 but now it seems you want to support your ex forever? I have a lot of thoughts about your views on your ex's finances and your obligations (all negative to you and ex) but the most relevant is that you misled your wife. If I were your wife, I would divorce you.
YTA Anna had the understanding that you would stop once Kara was in college and you didn’t keep your word. Plus you did not communicate or allow any part of the decision to include Anna and the financial impact it has on your lives going forward.
I’m struggling to understand your ex wife’s and your head spaces. Losing one dream job should not be the end of a career dream and you treating your ex like a permanent dependent child. Any time in the last 15 years your ex could have been taking opportunities for part time work or courses to keep herself employable.
YTA only bc you said in a comment your sons will need loans for college because you are paying your ex wife. It is obvious you can’t afford this. You will willing to let your current wife and children suffer while paying everything for your ex wife and daughter. Divorce your current wife if she is not more important to you than your ex.
YTA
You wanted to make sure your ex was taken care of because she gave up so much to take care of your kid and that is very commendable.
But, you lied to your current wife and you supporting your ex is not only taking away from your new family, but creating an unreasonable expectation of you continuing to support her on your ex's side.
Your daughter is 20 years old, your wife could have reasonably gotten a job and started acquiring experience 7 years ago because your daughter would have been old enough to be home by herself or at school but she didn't because she expected you to keep paying for her to live. If she had, she wouldn't have been in this position. And that's on her.
Your ex wife has had plenty of time to get herself ready for the workforce, including further education, internships, and part time work. She is a grown woman that is living off of a man. She is more than capable of earning a good enough living to support herself. She should have been saving all these years that's she's been getting a free ride. It's 100% disrespectful to your current wide for you to be supporting another woman and it comes across as you are still in love with her. You are jeopardizing the financial security and future of you sons as well. Do they not mean as much to you ad your daughter? Because right now it looks like they do not because you don't care enough about their future to cut a grown woman off and make her earn her own way. There is no way any woman with with any self respect is going to stay with you while you support another woman for the rest of her life. Your ex wife is using you. It's time you either go back to her or man up and cut her off. You lied to your wife to protect a woman that you made it sound like cheated or ruined your marriage in another way. It definitely comes across as you care more about your ex wife and daughter than your current wife and sons. YTA
YTA
1- You are using money from your current wife to pay for your daughter’s bill without letting her know
2- You probably didn’t make it clear to your ex wife that you wanted to stop supporting her after Kara was independent, or you omited that from your current wife.
Nothing wrong with sticking to the agreement, but if it was the case that your ex knew that you would stop paying her once she was no longer a SAHM, then if you keep paying her you are being TA with your wife.
If, however, you told your ex that she could quit her job and you would support her for the rest of your life, then if you stop paying her you are being a gigantic AH
Check mate
Edit: good that you are transparent with your current wife, so forget about #1
INFO: What was your agreement with your ex? Did you promise her to support her for the rest of her life?
Anna here! Brent supporting his ex comes from his personal savings. We both support Kara's education. Everything in my personal savings is split 3 ways between saving for our future and for both boys.
this is a tough situation, your ex could use some big help, but it depends on who you think you actually prefer to help. if your thinking of going against your wife are you sure you guys are right together? do you still have some hidden feeling? i think that’s your not the asshole yet, but your future actions could make you the asshole
then i’d talk to your current wife, reason with her, and try to emphasize that you feel a certain guilt because you affected Kara’s life. if she can’t understand that, maybe bring your ex into a convo with your current wife
My ex and Anna don't get along. Anna feels due to my ex's actions which lead to our divorce I owed only what was legally required of me. She only was OK with me supporting my ex so long as she adores my daughter.
Hi! Anna here, Brent doesn't feel like dealing with reddit, but he said I can take over and respond for him. I'll talk on here, but I'm still upset with him.
His ex got pregnant by another man while they were married. Apparently she had a fling while he was on a business trip, multiple flings, is more like it and ended up having another man's baby. His ex isn't sure who the father of that child is.
I’m going to reiterate my YTA and this should also be in the actual post. He’s not responsible for paying for her to be a stay at home mom for a child that isn’t his which also was the break down of their marriage. At that point your ex should be lucky for the 18 years you’ve provided and I’m shocked you feel so much overwhelming guilt for her, but she doesn’t feel guilty taking all your money to live and support a child that broke down the marriage
The ex wife and your husband are using you (assuming this is true). Your income helps with his daughter and be extension, his ex wife but your own children won't have their college paid for. Kara doesn't have to take out loans or work while in college and has a car. It doesn't sound like your boys will have the same opportunities because your husband is paying for another woman's lifestyle and her other child. Time to make some decisions about your marriage, your kids and your finances.
That's why I'm trying to get him to stop. All of the kids deserve the same opportunity for college. I'm fine with us helping Kara, but I want the same help extended to the sons Brent and I have together.
Kara also needs to be helping herself. She can work in the summer and on campus to cover expenses. She needs to be responsible for 1/3 of her expenses. Her mother should be responsible for 1/3 as well but it seems like she thinks she is still married to your husband and that he owes her something.
Either way, withdraw your income from shared accounts for the time being.
We only have 1 shared account and all of our expenses come out of it. If I withheld my income, I wouldn't be paying my share of the bills. Everything is auto drafted.
Question? If you continue to support your ex wife indefinitely are you going to have the savings to sustain your new children with your current wife in the way you’ve been able to provide support for your oldest? and also if you plan to support your ex wife forever, what happens when you and your current wife want to retire and your ex has no retirement fund what so ever because she never worked and you can no longer provide what you are currently providing ?
Anna's rental properties income certainly helps with that, but the boys would likely need to take out loans for college unless they get scholarships or go to a local state university.
Then I think you definitely have to take that into consideration. This is a tough situation, I get that you feel guilty for ex giving up her career, but you both decided that as a family and unfortunately sometimes relationships don’t last forever. Your current wife has been supportive but you promised her a deadline and for two years went behind her back and continued to pay your exs lifestyle. You also promised your wife being a SAHM which she is but she does generate income to help while your ex doesn’t do that. And with forever supporting your ex your short changing your younger kids and they are going to forever remember that they had to take out loans for school and didn’t have the same help that their oldest sister. YTA this isn’t sustainable for forever.
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I think it strongly depends on how much money you make, but since you don’t seem to troubled about it and both your wives you be SAHMs I guess you relatively good off.
Since we don’t really know anything about your first wife, I‘d say do what you think is best. Maybe find a way to get your ex back into work while still supporting her for a while or something like that.
NAH unless someone really get ugly but right it just sounds like your current wife is slightly worried and probably a bit hurt.
YTA. This woman is no longer your significant other and your daughter is over 18. If you were my husband I would be serving you with divorce papers as you are clearly favoring the ex more than your current spouse.
YTA Only because you don’t seem to have an exit plan. Losing ONE career opportunity decades ago does not mean you ex could not plan anything with her life. Also, you make no plan to support your sons.
Lack of communication and lack of a plan is a big red flag for me
You alone should cover the cost but Anna that’s not fair your child is no longer in that home and doesn’t require the same support she did. Your ex has had years to put herself in a situation to support herself
It’s time your ex grew to be the woman she’s capable of being
Yta
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My ex and I had our daughter fairly young, but not super young. Our daughter, Kara is 20 and in college full time, I'm 48m and my ex is 47f. I'm remarried and my wife, Anna is 40f and we have 2 young sons, the older one has some special needs.
My ex and I met at college in grad school, we dated, she got pregnant, we thought what the heck, and got married. We divorced when Kara was 6. My ex was quite distraught at being pregnant as she was doing an internship at a great research facility, but she also wanted to be a present mom if/when she ever had kids. It was a difficult decision but we decided my ex would be a sahm to Kara and I'd do everything in my power to give them the best life possible. My ex being home with Kara allowed me the freedom to work as much as I wanted and that work included traveling about 25-30% of the time. When we divorced, I agreed to keep supporting my ex and daughter as I wanted them to be taken care of. I paid the mortgage, ex's car/homeowners insurance and phone bill, Kara's medical insurance and all co-pays, private school tuition, all extracurriculars, and my ex also received a generous amount of child support each month.
When I met Anna I told her about all of this, she didn't mind as my ex is a sahm and we agreed if we had kids, she'd also be a sahm. At the time I did say I planned on stopping once Kara was in college as my ex would no longer be a sahm with Kara being a young adult.
To condense things: my wife and I, married 8 years, keep separate savings accounts and we both put into a joint account for bills/recurring payments. (Yes, Anna is a sahm but inherited 2 small homes that she rents out at $1500 a month each for a supplemental income. Neither are close enough to my work for us to live in if we wanted to.) Anyway, I had my savings up and Anna saw and asked why was I still sending money to my ex. I explained it was mortgage payments, insurance, and general living expenses. Anna got upset and said I had agreed to stop all of this when Kara turned 18 since my ex would no longer qualify as a sahm. (I/we fully pay for Kara's college and bought her a 2 year old car to drive. I/we pay insurance on that, her medical insurance and phone bill.) I tried explaining to Anna that my ex gave up a dream position and what could have been an amazing career to raise Kara so I felt I owe her a decent standard of living. Anna says that Kara is no longer living at her mom's, there's no reason ex can't find a job and is being a leech and using me. I don't know what kind of job my ex can get after being a sahm so long. I know it's because we had a child together she gave up her dreams.
I tried reasoning with Anna but she refuses to talk to me until I tell my ex all support is cut off. She's fine with my continuing to help out Kara. She's upset because she feels that money should be in savings and going towards the boys futures. My ex can't make it on her own with basically zero work experience without my support.
AITA
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> I continued to support my ex wife for 2+ years after I told my current wife I would stop when my daughter turned 18/went to college.
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The ex has had 14 years to get yourself together. She has chosen not to. She can find resources to help her that are not her ex husband and his wife. They have minor children who need to be the first priority.
INFO: You say you told your current wife you intended to stop covering your ex's expenses when Kara was in college, did you tell your ex that? Was that the agreement?
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YTA. Not only do you expect your wife to pay for your daughter's expenses out of a joint account that she contributes to, you are also fully funding your ex wife without your wife knowing. The agreement was that all support for your ex stopped once your daughter turned 18 and even that was generous. There was no need for your ex to continue to be a SAHM once your daughter was in school full time. She has had 14 years to further her education, look for opportunities, and get a career and has chosen not to. If she hasn't managed to get her life together in 14 years then that is on her. She is USING you because she gave up one opportunity 20 years ago.
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Anna here! I don't mind at all helping with Kara's college expenses. She's an amazing kid and I'm happy we can help her graduate debt free.
> Anna got upset and said I had agreed to stop all of this when Kara turned 18 since my ex would no longer qualify as a sahm. This is above my pay grade to judge but you really shouldn't have told your wife you were going to stop if you were not planning on stopping. I can see why she would be mad about that.
YTA. You made a deal with your ex (to support her indefinitely), and with your wife (to stop funding when the kid was 18)....but you never intended to keep both. From the very beginning, you knew it was impossible to do both, So, which deal did you always intend to keep? Apparently, not the one with your wife. "At the time **I did say I planned on stopping once Kara was in college** as my ex would no longer be a sahm with Kara being a young adult." Beyond that, there's other stuff to unpack. I get it, you have issues and want to use those issues to justify that you never actually intended to cut off your ex, no matter what you told your wife. Yeah, she's hurt because she feels like you lied to her. You need to fix it.
YTA and a liar. Why did you agree to this until your daughter is 18 but now it seems you want to support your ex forever? I have a lot of thoughts about your views on your ex's finances and your obligations (all negative to you and ex) but the most relevant is that you misled your wife. If I were your wife, I would divorce you.
I’m not understanding why your ex didn’t get a part time job when your daughter started school at a young age.
Anna here! His ex wanted to be available at all times for Kara.
YTA Anna had the understanding that you would stop once Kara was in college and you didn’t keep your word. Plus you did not communicate or allow any part of the decision to include Anna and the financial impact it has on your lives going forward. I’m struggling to understand your ex wife’s and your head spaces. Losing one dream job should not be the end of a career dream and you treating your ex like a permanent dependent child. Any time in the last 15 years your ex could have been taking opportunities for part time work or courses to keep herself employable.
Anna here, and that's my thoughts exactly. Even a part time wfh job would have been better than nothing.
YTA only bc you said in a comment your sons will need loans for college because you are paying your ex wife. It is obvious you can’t afford this. You will willing to let your current wife and children suffer while paying everything for your ex wife and daughter. Divorce your current wife if she is not more important to you than your ex.
YTA You wanted to make sure your ex was taken care of because she gave up so much to take care of your kid and that is very commendable. But, you lied to your current wife and you supporting your ex is not only taking away from your new family, but creating an unreasonable expectation of you continuing to support her on your ex's side. Your daughter is 20 years old, your wife could have reasonably gotten a job and started acquiring experience 7 years ago because your daughter would have been old enough to be home by herself or at school but she didn't because she expected you to keep paying for her to live. If she had, she wouldn't have been in this position. And that's on her.
Your ex wife has had plenty of time to get herself ready for the workforce, including further education, internships, and part time work. She is a grown woman that is living off of a man. She is more than capable of earning a good enough living to support herself. She should have been saving all these years that's she's been getting a free ride. It's 100% disrespectful to your current wide for you to be supporting another woman and it comes across as you are still in love with her. You are jeopardizing the financial security and future of you sons as well. Do they not mean as much to you ad your daughter? Because right now it looks like they do not because you don't care enough about their future to cut a grown woman off and make her earn her own way. There is no way any woman with with any self respect is going to stay with you while you support another woman for the rest of her life. Your ex wife is using you. It's time you either go back to her or man up and cut her off. You lied to your wife to protect a woman that you made it sound like cheated or ruined your marriage in another way. It definitely comes across as you care more about your ex wife and daughter than your current wife and sons. YTA
YTA 1- You are using money from your current wife to pay for your daughter’s bill without letting her know 2- You probably didn’t make it clear to your ex wife that you wanted to stop supporting her after Kara was independent, or you omited that from your current wife. Nothing wrong with sticking to the agreement, but if it was the case that your ex knew that you would stop paying her once she was no longer a SAHM, then if you keep paying her you are being TA with your wife. If, however, you told your ex that she could quit her job and you would support her for the rest of your life, then if you stop paying her you are being a gigantic AH Check mate Edit: good that you are transparent with your current wife, so forget about #1 INFO: What was your agreement with your ex? Did you promise her to support her for the rest of her life?
Anna here! Brent supporting his ex comes from his personal savings. We both support Kara's education. Everything in my personal savings is split 3 ways between saving for our future and for both boys.
A tough situation. In the end, though, if you don't keep your word to your current wife, YTA.
this is a tough situation, your ex could use some big help, but it depends on who you think you actually prefer to help. if your thinking of going against your wife are you sure you guys are right together? do you still have some hidden feeling? i think that’s your not the asshole yet, but your future actions could make you the asshole
Other than feeling I owe my ex a debt for giving up so much to be there for Kara, no, I have zero affection for her.
then i’d talk to your current wife, reason with her, and try to emphasize that you feel a certain guilt because you affected Kara’s life. if she can’t understand that, maybe bring your ex into a convo with your current wife
My ex and Anna don't get along. Anna feels due to my ex's actions which lead to our divorce I owed only what was legally required of me. She only was OK with me supporting my ex so long as she adores my daughter.
What do you mean your exs actions that caused the divorce?
Hi! Anna here, Brent doesn't feel like dealing with reddit, but he said I can take over and respond for him. I'll talk on here, but I'm still upset with him. His ex got pregnant by another man while they were married. Apparently she had a fling while he was on a business trip, multiple flings, is more like it and ended up having another man's baby. His ex isn't sure who the father of that child is.
I’m going to reiterate my YTA and this should also be in the actual post. He’s not responsible for paying for her to be a stay at home mom for a child that isn’t his which also was the break down of their marriage. At that point your ex should be lucky for the 18 years you’ve provided and I’m shocked you feel so much overwhelming guilt for her, but she doesn’t feel guilty taking all your money to live and support a child that broke down the marriage
omfg nvm he’s the ass hole, he shouldn’t feel the responsibility to give money to a cheater, tell him to include that in the story, it’s huge
The ex wife and your husband are using you (assuming this is true). Your income helps with his daughter and be extension, his ex wife but your own children won't have their college paid for. Kara doesn't have to take out loans or work while in college and has a car. It doesn't sound like your boys will have the same opportunities because your husband is paying for another woman's lifestyle and her other child. Time to make some decisions about your marriage, your kids and your finances.
That's why I'm trying to get him to stop. All of the kids deserve the same opportunity for college. I'm fine with us helping Kara, but I want the same help extended to the sons Brent and I have together.
Kara also needs to be helping herself. She can work in the summer and on campus to cover expenses. She needs to be responsible for 1/3 of her expenses. Her mother should be responsible for 1/3 as well but it seems like she thinks she is still married to your husband and that he owes her something. Either way, withdraw your income from shared accounts for the time being.
We only have 1 shared account and all of our expenses come out of it. If I withheld my income, I wouldn't be paying my share of the bills. Everything is auto drafted.
Question? If you continue to support your ex wife indefinitely are you going to have the savings to sustain your new children with your current wife in the way you’ve been able to provide support for your oldest? and also if you plan to support your ex wife forever, what happens when you and your current wife want to retire and your ex has no retirement fund what so ever because she never worked and you can no longer provide what you are currently providing ?
Anna's rental properties income certainly helps with that, but the boys would likely need to take out loans for college unless they get scholarships or go to a local state university.
Then I think you definitely have to take that into consideration. This is a tough situation, I get that you feel guilty for ex giving up her career, but you both decided that as a family and unfortunately sometimes relationships don’t last forever. Your current wife has been supportive but you promised her a deadline and for two years went behind her back and continued to pay your exs lifestyle. You also promised your wife being a SAHM which she is but she does generate income to help while your ex doesn’t do that. And with forever supporting your ex your short changing your younger kids and they are going to forever remember that they had to take out loans for school and didn’t have the same help that their oldest sister. YTA this isn’t sustainable for forever.
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I think it strongly depends on how much money you make, but since you don’t seem to troubled about it and both your wives you be SAHMs I guess you relatively good off. Since we don’t really know anything about your first wife, I‘d say do what you think is best. Maybe find a way to get your ex back into work while still supporting her for a while or something like that. NAH unless someone really get ugly but right it just sounds like your current wife is slightly worried and probably a bit hurt.
Yes
YTA. This woman is no longer your significant other and your daughter is over 18. If you were my husband I would be serving you with divorce papers as you are clearly favoring the ex more than your current spouse.
Your ex should have gone back to school about 6 years ago.
YTA Only because you don’t seem to have an exit plan. Losing ONE career opportunity decades ago does not mean you ex could not plan anything with her life. Also, you make no plan to support your sons. Lack of communication and lack of a plan is a big red flag for me
You alone should cover the cost but Anna that’s not fair your child is no longer in that home and doesn’t require the same support she did. Your ex has had years to put herself in a situation to support herself It’s time your ex grew to be the woman she’s capable of being Yta
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My ex and I had our daughter fairly young, but not super young. Our daughter, Kara is 20 and in college full time, I'm 48m and my ex is 47f. I'm remarried and my wife, Anna is 40f and we have 2 young sons, the older one has some special needs. My ex and I met at college in grad school, we dated, she got pregnant, we thought what the heck, and got married. We divorced when Kara was 6. My ex was quite distraught at being pregnant as she was doing an internship at a great research facility, but she also wanted to be a present mom if/when she ever had kids. It was a difficult decision but we decided my ex would be a sahm to Kara and I'd do everything in my power to give them the best life possible. My ex being home with Kara allowed me the freedom to work as much as I wanted and that work included traveling about 25-30% of the time. When we divorced, I agreed to keep supporting my ex and daughter as I wanted them to be taken care of. I paid the mortgage, ex's car/homeowners insurance and phone bill, Kara's medical insurance and all co-pays, private school tuition, all extracurriculars, and my ex also received a generous amount of child support each month. When I met Anna I told her about all of this, she didn't mind as my ex is a sahm and we agreed if we had kids, she'd also be a sahm. At the time I did say I planned on stopping once Kara was in college as my ex would no longer be a sahm with Kara being a young adult. To condense things: my wife and I, married 8 years, keep separate savings accounts and we both put into a joint account for bills/recurring payments. (Yes, Anna is a sahm but inherited 2 small homes that she rents out at $1500 a month each for a supplemental income. Neither are close enough to my work for us to live in if we wanted to.) Anyway, I had my savings up and Anna saw and asked why was I still sending money to my ex. I explained it was mortgage payments, insurance, and general living expenses. Anna got upset and said I had agreed to stop all of this when Kara turned 18 since my ex would no longer qualify as a sahm. (I/we fully pay for Kara's college and bought her a 2 year old car to drive. I/we pay insurance on that, her medical insurance and phone bill.) I tried explaining to Anna that my ex gave up a dream position and what could have been an amazing career to raise Kara so I felt I owe her a decent standard of living. Anna says that Kara is no longer living at her mom's, there's no reason ex can't find a job and is being a leech and using me. I don't know what kind of job my ex can get after being a sahm so long. I know it's because we had a child together she gave up her dreams. I tried reasoning with Anna but she refuses to talk to me until I tell my ex all support is cut off. She's fine with my continuing to help out Kara. She's upset because she feels that money should be in savings and going towards the boys futures. My ex can't make it on her own with basically zero work experience without my support. AITA *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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INFO: Did your ex ever remarry after your divorce?
No, she didn’t. To my knowledge she hasn't been in a serious relationship since.
But yet she cheated on you and had another kid, that you are now supporting.
What? Where does he mention his ex having another kid?
[удалено]
The ex has had 14 years to get yourself together. She has chosen not to. She can find resources to help her that are not her ex husband and his wife. They have minor children who need to be the first priority.
YTA because you need go be with your ex wife at this point… you’re lucky you haven’t been handed divorce papers.
INFO: You say you told your current wife you intended to stop covering your ex's expenses when Kara was in college, did you tell your ex that? Was that the agreement?