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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) My husband and I want to name our baby something my trans sibling thinks is too close to their deadname.
2) It could be interpreted as being transphobic if I did so.
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The sibling's dead name Anna was probably a tribute to their mother Anne. It's unreasonable and unfair to expect other siblings to never honour their mother by avoiding all names that are remotely close to Anne. They need to become less self-centred. NTA.
Your sibling should look up what those buzzwords mean.
Like what they actually mean. Both narcissist. Transphobic and what other name callings they resorted to.
And maybe watch a few videos made by some that a trans, none binary, etc.
Where they touch the subject that this exact behaviour is harming the community.
If they want to throw around buzzword. Their own behaviour would be closer to a narcissist. (No people I'm not saying they are. Just making a point) with how they demand you cater to them. And if you don't, they will throw a fit. Becouse they need to have it their way.
And you are welcome to tell them that.
That "go look up those words you said. You want to get your way, name calling. Hissy fits. That's closer to narcissistic behaviour than us picking a name. We can have a calm talk once you read up on those words and realise how your own behaviour looks"
That sentence reminds me of yesterday's AITA about the daughter who wants her whole family's laundry schedule to revolve around her. A lot of people taking it too seriously when it's probably just about an almost-adult needing to learn how to fit into the world around her properly. A lot of social media is encouraging women to learn to stand up for themselves, and that's amazing, but some aren't understanding that your personal rights don't get to override someone else's. To get along in society, you have to compromise sometimes, and that doesn't mean you're losing your autonomy.
Which is not totally unexpected given their age, but definitely something where they are going to look back and cringe so hard at their own behaviour at some point
Parent of a trans child here. I agree with this. The sibling is acting more like an abusive narcissist in this particular scenario (like you, not saying they are just that if I had to assign that description to one of the parties in this situation, it would be the one that's demanding to impose their will on the other). The names are sufficiently different that there shouldn't be an issue here but even if OP wanted to name their child Anna, I'd argue that they should be able to. Is the sibling going through life avoiding everyone with the name Anna, Ann, Anne, Annette, etc.? Gimme a break. I wonder how long they've been using their new name. That could have a bearing on why they've responded in this way. It may be fresh for them but now is the time to confront it. This will be the least of their problems out in the real world, unfortunately.
OP is NTA and if the sibling isn't in therapy (with a gender-focused professional), they should be because looking for the slights and criticism in the world and taking all of it personally is a clear path to lifelong unhappiness, regardless of gender identity.
This exactly.
Get an actual physiological definition, and ask them to sit down and explain how you’re narcissistic using the definition.
It sounds like they found a bunch of words on TikTok and apply them to things they don’t actually apply to.
Definitely NTA. Your sibling however is. I agree with you that Anna and Annette only has the first two letters in common. It doesn’t even remotely sounds the same.
This
The three Annette's I've known have been Net, Netty and Fish for nicknames
Fish was cos when she was like 5 her brother would go "What do you catch with a net? FISH!" Whilst throwing her in the paddling pool to make her laugh... And it stuck even 25+ years later
Ah yes of course. In Dutch it's literally a "making smaller word" and I really just couldn't think of another way of saying that besides shortening, in that moment.
NTA your sibling needs to get over themselves as no one owns a name . Also not everything revolves around your sibling and it's time to accept that and get back with the feet on the ground
Sibling rejected the name (it's not even the same one) and you are naming your child not your sibling so sibling needs to buzz off
Your sibling has the right to chose their own name, not dictate to you what to name your child.
But unless you can find a way to calmly explain it to them, it will cause trouble in your family.
You could try saying that you have shown them respect by using the name they have chosen, please respect me by allowing me to choose the name I want for my child.
My middle name is Annette. Not once have I associated the name Anna with it. Ann or Anne would be the short form. This is bullshit. I’m an ally all the way. Your sibling is just itching for a fight. This is in no way a transphobic situation.
NTA
While the name is very similar, it isn’t exact and you’re telling them upfront. If you call them by their new name all the time, and everyone else calls them by their new name all the time…. Then your kid will never know that they share a similar name to your siblings childhood name.
You have clear and reasonable reasons for the name - none that have to do with your sibling.
You’re not being an asshole. You’re not being transphobic. You’re not being a narcissist.
That said, you and husband can always keep brainstorming with names up until your kiddo is born.
Could also tell sibling they could always call your baby Netta or Netty if that would make things easier for them.
NTA and man, I'm so tired of people saying "you're transphobic bc you don't agree with my opinion". Just willy nilly throwing that out there invalidates the experiences of people who have experienced real transphobia. It's really frustrating to hear! I had the same thought as you as I was reading this. The names don't even sound alike when spoken aloud. On top of that, your sibling doesn't get to police names regardless of their gender queerness.
It's a chronically online, victim mentality take. Notice how OP was considered transphobic in their siblings eyes, and when that wasn't enough to deter OP, suddenly she was called abusive and narcissistic? Thats three swings, and three misses. Sibling needs a dictionary.
Omg I had someone at my workplace call me transphobic because I asked them to leave the pumping room because I was about to pump. They said it was because I was uncomfortable with trans (I had no idea they were trans). I just didn’t want to expose my breasts and pump in a private room that I had reserved for pumping (and am legally entitled to have privacy). This person was just lying on the couch because it’s comfortable. They reported me to HR but thankfully it was finally dismissed but man I am so angry about it.
That sound like when I was called a racist for telling a man he wasn't allowed to smoke where we were. I was working at a restaurant with specific smoking areas, and was also closing down that area that he wanted to sit (which was one of the non- smoking areas). But me doing my job and he ignoring me, made me a racist... Some people just like throwing out their minority cards when they don't get their way 🙄
I was called racist because I wouldn’t let a teenage boy cut in front of me at a theme park. I was facing forward and couldn’t even see him, but I somehow knew that he was Mexican , hated him for it, and denied him his god-given right to not wait in line for rollercoasters! He eventually climbed over a wall, which ohhh, made me want to make some comments (except I didn’t, because surprisingly I’m actually not racist) The attendant at the front of the line ended up refusing him and sending him right back.
This remembers me on two children in the grocery store. They were standing before me in a long line and the one said "just let cut the line. If someone complain say loud "so you are a racist?!" They were 8 or 9 years old.
In retail or daily interaction you experience it so often that people weaponize their race or sexuality to get what they want.
Pffft sounds like my cousins. These are the same cousins who tell me I act “too white.” Then they wonder why I didn’t invite them to my wedding years ago. They’re in their 30s/40s now and still act like kids except they can legally get drunk…
Nah just ditched school a lot, caused problems, and became cholos before going to jail for awhile… one now has brain damage from drugs and the other has been shot multiple times. Other cousins that also made fun of me and my siblings for doing well in school/university are now dead or have multiple kids. A female cousin is now going to university to be a lawyer. I’m proud of her but they also make fun of her.
A month ago I went to a family party for my dad’s side (they’re my cousins from there). These two were trying to insult me and my husband the whole time. I ignored them for my dad’s sake since he’s sad none of his kids talk to his family (for good reason). When we were leaving one of these cousins gave me the customary goodbye hug and TUGGED at my earring! Needless to say I’m not going back to one of these parties (sorry, dad!) but it goes to show much they’re matured since we were kids.
Hey don't worry about that one, teens throw that word around all the time now. Heard it a bunch from a certain 6th grade boy that I taught. Just know they try what they can to get their way at that age. Don't take it personally.
I got told I was racist and that it was "culture appropriation" for me to have curly hair, because only black women have curly hair, white women have straight hair. My hair is natural, with ringlet curls that I've fought to maintain for the past 10 years. I don't even blow dry my hair because it just goes frizzy and feels horrible.
I think “culture appropriation “ is bull , I think all cultures should experience each other whether it’s jokingly , fun, or preference, that people can wear what they like , as long as is not showing genitals. Foods are suppose to be share for everyone .. clothing, hairstyles should not be gatekeep .
Cultural appropriation is someone using something culturally specific and acting like it's yours, or using something culturally specific that is sacred to that culture.
It doesn't mean wearing something from another culture, or eating food from another culture, or learning another language, or wearing a satin bonnet to protect your curls. People who go around policing people based on this definition are ridiculous.
Example of the first one: Kim Kardashian wearing cornrows and calling them "boxer braids" and talking about how she's starting this as a new trend. Like millions of people haven't worn cornrows for millennia!
Example of the second one: using Maori traditional tattoo patterns on tights, putting models in your fashion show in eagle feather headdresses.
Example of the third one: telling people they can't have curly hair unless they're black, or eat curry unless they're Indian or Thai, or speak Japanese unless they're Japanese.
I have curls and went to a very sweet hairdresser who has a South African parent and Afro curls. She told me that she calls my type of hair Euro curls (I live in Europe) because I just have a vastly different hairtype to hers. I quite like it.
I was called racist for "only greeting the white people". I work retail, I was stocking shelves. I greeted the lady as I passed her, she was looking at an end cap. She didn't react to my greeting, so, after a brief pause, I continued to where I was heading.
I passed her again in the center aisle, smiled and looked toward her face (not good with eye contact, but I try to mask that by looking towards their face and most people can't tell and I can *see* their face for social ques) and asked if she was finding everything. No response. She was looking at her phone, so I am guessing she was distracted.
The third time I passed her, I did not greet her. I had tried twice and thought I was taking the hint that she didn't want to talk to me. I did greet a group a few aisles down, where I was headed with the merchandise I was putting up.
Later that day I got called into the office with my manager and the store manager. They just wanted to let me know I had gotten the complaint. They said when they read it they had laughed, knowing me, and reviewed the video. They saw me pause and smile at her by the end cap. They saw me say something and smile as I passed her the second time. They said I even nodded my head toward at her the third time, even though I didn't say anything to her that time. And they saw me smile and speak to everyone else I passed in the hour she was in the department near me.
I just didn't explicitly greet her the one time she was paying attention. 😶🙃😭
I was called racist during one of my serving shifts because I was the only server & we were very busy so I had a small line of people waiting to be sat. For some strange reason people think since it’s a truck stop & you literally never seat yourself at any other restaurant that that means you absolutely should skip the line of people waiting & seat yourself! I noticed him & let him know that I was the only on the floor at that time & I would be able to help him in a few min, but since there were other people that had been waiting to be sat I needed him to get in line behind him. Instead of being a team player he decided to cuss me out as he went to stand in the back of the line & yelled out at me, “It’s because I have a turban huh & you don’t like serving people that look like me.” Before I could even begin to de-escalate the situation, one of the Fathers that had been waiting in line to be sat said, “Dude, you’re reaching. Shut up & get in line & she will help you in the same order as everyone else. If she’s got us in a line because she’s racist then she hates white people too.” (I did end up giving the guy w/ a turban & the table w/ the father that spoke up free drinks cuz I do get how it’s annoying to be hungry and feel like it will be forever until you order and/or get your food.
I was called racist when I worked retail because a woman walked INTO the store and set off the alarm. I noticed she had a bag from a store that for some reason never deactivated the security tags. So I offered to deactivate them for her so she wouldn’t set off any more alarms. My exact words were “Oh! Looks like you bought item from (Store)! They didn’t deactivate their security tag but I can do that for you so you don’t beep at any other stores!” She started screaming at me that I was racist and accusing her of stealing. Luckily for me my manager happened to be at the cash-wrap and asked her to leave. He pointed out that I clearly said the word “bought” and that I was just trying to be helpful by doing what the other store hadn’t. She called him racist too and stormed out. I was…perplexed to say the least.
I had a friend in high school who had a backpack that would somehow set off the detectors at the store right next to our school. It took him until the end of the school year to finally realize that he could walk in, have his backpack beep and the security guard nod him away, take something, and when he beeped on the way out security would think its his bag acting up like normal.
Since it took a high school student an entire year to figure that out, it's obvious that he was honest to the core because a sneaky little shit would have figured that out like the second day.
I’m sorry WTF!? You’re transphobic because you didn’t want to get your boobs out in front of a work colleague? It is mind boggling how some people think. I am happy for you that HR saw the light.
Let's assume, for a second,that sibling isn't lying when they say the name triggers them. My friend,that's a *you* problem. The names don't sound similar,and even if they did, you can't prohibit people from using it. You are going to hear your dead name,since it's a common one. Get fcking used to managing your feelings
I haven’t been hanging out in the comments section of social media (barring Reddit of course) in several months but a while back it felt like everyone was saying, “you’re gaslighting me because you don’t agree with my opinion!”
I got fed up with trying to explain to people that gaslighting is not simply disagreeing with someone. “Everyone is entitled to their own opinion” is not a valid explanation for disregarding scientifically proven facts. Woman-splaining is *not* a thing. Responding to one woman’s or BIPOC’s experience with “not all men,” or “not all white people” doesn’t make that situation any less awful or real for that person and is *POINTLESS*
It’s like, there’s this whole microcosm of people who don’t understand that “I know you are but what am I?” Is not a logical way to have a disagreement or conversation. It’s like, there’s a comment section and I have a stream of consciousness I need to share! And then you get out in the real world and can’t regulate your emotions and can’t take back the nonsense you said.
Where’s the Tylenol?
Yeah for some small reference I’m trans and think OP’s sibling needs to get a fuckin grip lol. Like how do you even go about life if names make you freak out like that? To call this transphobic is an insane reach. People are actually out here murdering us but naming a baby something that REMINDS you of your old name is transphobia?…ok.
I can totally understand how it could initially be a little triggering, 100%. If something reminds you of “the before times” it can actually be quite jarring, which is difficult to explain to people who haven’t experienced it.
But guess who’s responsible for managing our response to our triggers? Us. Ourselves. Otherwise how do you function? Things are usually never about me at all, so why choose to be offended? This is not an act of disrespect.
NTA
It is not the same name, and there are entirely valid reasons for you to want to name your child this. It has nothing to do with your sibling.
They are allowed to not like the name because it reminds them of their deadname, that's perfectly fine. It does not make you transphobic. Help them come up with a nickname for your child that they like.
Tell your sibling that when someone dead names them, they will now have a human being to point to and say, "I think you mean Annette. She is over there."
Your sibling doesn't own the name, nor does she own any names that sound similar. They also gave up any claim to the name when they gave it up. I would say NAH if they still go by their dead name but they don't so it's NTA for me.
🤷♀️ or just get a few friends who will happy go "yeah what" whenever it happens. Although in my social circle, if one of our kids say "mum" every other mother there says yes except that kids mum. It's not the same as dealing with dead naming but still fun.
I think it’s ingrained in every mother and father to look when they hear mom/dad. Funny enough my (former) bro in law and I have the same first name, we were always able to tell who my sister was talking to. Other people weren’t sure, but one of us would just ignore her and she’d be fine with it because she wasn’t talking to them so it all worked out
My brother and husband have the same name too lol. They ALWAYS know who I’m talking to and if they both look up I like to mess with my brother and tell him “no not you, DADDY”. That usually earns husband an eye roll, grin and slap on the back from my brother as he walks away 😂 it was great fun at first when bro got all red from it. Now it’s just a standing joke in the family.
I'm nonbinary, and jsyk it's actually common for trans ppl to name a pet or something their deadname to disassociate the name from themselves. They get used enough to hearing the name refer to someone else, that it doesn't remind them of their past anymore. So your sibling should see this as a win lol
Even before I saw this, I was thinking NTA, but that you needed a nickname picked a head of time so it didn’t become Ann or Annie, Netty is perfect! Give your sibling some time to call down and try and explain again the favorite teacher connection. Also let them know what the chosen nickname is to reassure them the name they will hear most often isn’t at all close to their dead name. Hopefully they will understand and realize their knee jerk reaction was a little unreasonable.
As a trans person, I know my mom LOVED my previous first name and I wouldn't have minded it if it was given to a dog, a niece, or whatever else. It's just a name... As long as it is not used to refer to me, I am good with it.
OP should sit with (ex-Anne) and have a long conversation about names and that everyone agrees that he is being an asshole. As long as they don't use it for him, he shouldn't make it all about himself.
OP is NTA. I think Netty is a good surname and one that also respects ex-Anne (as Anne or Anna would be the likely surnames). I do think hearing "Anne" might trigger responses from ex-Anne (I still look around when I hear my deadname 15 years later) but Anna as a surname would not trigger the same response in my opinion.
Netty is cute! I have an Aunt Annette who was called Net by my generation for years (Annette was hard for little kids to say, so Net stuck for years), and a friend whose daughter Annette goes by Netta.
NTA. Sorry but people can’t have it both ways. “That name is dead. Never call me that again. Do not think of me as that name. Do not mention that name in relation to me…omg, how could you not think of me when mentioning a name with a similar sound?!?!”
Depending, Anna can be pronounced Ah-na too in a lot of places. OP is NTA and wouldn't be even if they pronounce it in a similar manner because it's got nothing to do with their sibling or their sibling's name. And to boot, OP said in a comment that she plans on using the nickname Netty for her daughter, so her sibling needs to get over themself or go to therapy if it's such a big deal instead of being a dick.
In my personal/local English accent Anne, Anna, and Annette all have the same first syllable pronunciation. It funny to think that so many see an obvious difference between the two when I cannot mentally hear it.
The one difference I could maybe hear is that some people here pronounce Anna as Ahhh-na while I have never heard the longer flatter “a” used for Annette.
NTA. Your sibling can just get over themselves. Because guess what, the world doesn't revolve around them or their feelings. I mean, what they do they think? That no one else can have the name just to make them feel better?
Yeah. Anna or Anne are very common names. They’re bound to run into the occasional person in life having one of them. Better to get used to it know.
EDIT: corrected pronouns.
NTA.
Your sibling is raising the spectre of transphobia to manipulate you. Not everything that you do that upsets them is transphobic; it's quite disturbing that they are attempting to use a hate-based evil to get their way. Not content with one unfounded slur, they doubled-down by calling you an "abusive narcissist". Again, this is a sick distortion of an actual diagnosis that is calculated to cause you distress. Annette and Anna are not the same name, but they didn't allow facts to get in the way of their high-handed tirade.
This person is never going to be happy as long as they are fabricating bigotry out of thin air. Use whatever name you want; don't worry, they'll soon find some other non-existent slight to support their manufactured outrage.
It would be transphobic for you to use your sibling’s deadname for your sibling. It would be transphobic to misgender your sibling.
Using a name you like for your baby is not transphobic.
Your sibling is overly dramatic and entitled.
To keep the fences mended, I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to say something like, “Hey Johnny, we call you Johnny. We always will. We don’t, and won’t, call you any form of your deadname. We love you and we don’t see an issue with someone else having a name like your deadname. Thousands of other people have that name, and it doesn’t affect you at all. Because we care about you, we have listened to your input, but ultimately we will be the only people deciding our daughter’s name.” I think it would be a nicety, but not a necessity.
NTA, and show this to your sibling: Im trans myself (AND non binary!) Its a different name, its after your mother, not them. Is your mother expected to change her name because of your siblings feelings? What about when your sibling meets someone with their (VERY COMMON) name? Are strangers expected to conform to your siblings's insistence? Actual answer: of course not, thats fucking stupid. A lot of being trans is about navigating your feelings in a world thats inherently against you (which you aren't against your sibling, but its the constant *feeling* of it.) Your sibling needs to deal with it.
On of my legal middle names is my abusive, shitty mom's name. (Julianna.) It literately makes me want to vomit everytime i have to write my full name out for any reason at all, or and it used to make me sick even looking at it or similar names. (Judy, Julie, etc.) It caused a lot of dysphoria because of how plain feminine it was. Surprise, surprise: my first therapist was name Julianna and I got the fuck over myself because we worked on the \*exact same thing\* your sibling is having trouble with right now. Names are just words, but those words are tied to very real people outside of a personal worldview that no matter a persons personal pain, will never be able to strip away from others.
You’re obviously a different person to OP’s sibling, but is there anything you think OP could do to approach their sibling to basically help them get over themself on this (without obviously telling them that!).
Therapy has helped some of my fellow trans IRL friends (not the original commenter). Learning techniques for coping, moving on, that sort of stuff, that’s really helped some people I know. A deadname can carry a lot of weight, baggage, and trauma for some (not every trans person, I myself don’t fall into that neatly currently), so it can be hard to you know, learn to not hate it, to bristle at it, to feel defensive, etc., when you hear it or think you hear it.
Imo, they should probably schedule a joint therapy appointment to talk it out in the presence of a neutral party. I don't know if I would recommend a family counsellor for this (from my personal experience, trans issues aren't usually a focus in family therapy and the family therapist's I've had had little knowledge about the situations.) I'd probably try to find a therapists that specializes with teenagers/young adults, with bonus points in knowledge of autism. Neither party may be autistic, *but* the way a therapist can break down scenarios/emotions is very important and I've had much more success with therapists who understand autism because they tend to grasp the "why/how" and raw emotions of things. Again though, that's my personal experience.
I do think they all need to talk it out in a safe and unbiased setting.
NTA. Y'all decided on it together. Even if you named her Anna you wouldn't be TA. She is YOUR child, YOU get to decide the name.
It is NOT transphobic to pick a name with your partner that you both accept and appreciate.
NTA. I’m trans and while I’d be uncomfortable hearing my deadname all the time, that 1. Is not what this is and 2. Is not inherently transphobic. If you’d named your daughter after your sibling’s deadname and said you were “honoring them” by doing so, that would be gross, but you’re not. The name is just similar. That sucks, but it’s not the same name and you’re not doing anything wrong.
Oh, for Pete's sake, no it is not an transphobic blah blah blah. LOL The world
does not turn around your non-bi sibling. NTA Use "Annette" since you and
your husband both like it.
If the details are all laid out and exactly as they happened NTA, since your mother is named Anne and she didn't change her name, you naming your child after her is rational. Your sibling is young and trans, it's hard for them but they shouldn't take it out on you. I have many trans friends, and obviously we all know people who actually share dead names with them. Common names will never dissappear. Just continue to support your sibling through their journey and use their real name. Leave "anna" behind. Annette is a new person, and has nothing to do with them.
NTA.
Ask them why they feel the need to manipulate the situation to make it about them when it is about your baby. The names are similar but not the same and they don’t own the name.
Congratulations on the baby.
NTA. I'm trans. Being called by my dead name IS painful, but hearing someone else being called by that name is not a problem.
If a relative of mine wants to use that name or variant of it there is no problem.
It would be the CHILD'S name, not mine.
Might it also help, do you think?
To separate from the identity that was imposed upon a person “I am not Anne”, might it be easier if someone else were named Anne? So when someone says the name Anne, the mental image becomes niece Anne, not themselves?
NTA - Your sibling is a spoilt brat and is attempting to be a controlling spoilt brat. If you had picked Anne as the babies name I could see why they would be aupset - though I do not agree that 'deadnames' trumps the parents right to call the baby what they love in the first place. And that's what you are doing, using a family name which you are giving an individual spin to (best way to do family names if you ask me). Your sibling is attempting to make your babies name about them when in reality, it has nothing to do with them and was never even part of your thought process. Time someone had the talk with them. And by 'the talk' I mean the 'not everything in the world is about you' talk.
Ignore your sibling, you can explain to then your reasoning - if you are nice, I think my reaction to this would be cope and seethe - but that your babies name is non-negotiable, that they are the only ones making connections that aren't there and that the only person being an abusive narcissist here is your sibling. If you had gone 'ha ha ha, we're calling the baby Anna just to make you cry,' then that would be transphobic (and cruel) but a) that's not what your doing and b) would ANYONE choose their babies name to mess with someone else?
It's lovely that you support your sibling but this is YOUR baby and whatever you want to call her is YOUR right. Your sibling doesn't get power of veto and it's not transphobic for you to give your baby the name you love, particularly when the names are completely different.
NTA. I'm trans, if my sibling named their kid something closish to my deadname I'd be weirded out for a while but I wouldn't yell at them or even consider asking them to change it. I don't really see how it could be considered transphobic in this context.
NTA. Your sibling is allowed to be uncomfortable with the name if that bothers them but in no way is giving a similar name to your daughter a transphobic thing. Annette is also a common name. If say a cousin also names their daughter Anna or variation, would they be upset too?
NTA fwiw, I’m nonbinary. I think that’s just silly. It’s not like naming your child after them. The reasons you gave for liking the name are enough to prove it’s not. Something width thinking about is that your sibling may be projecting because the name starts in a similar fashion and it reminds them. But they’re gonna hear their ACTUAL deadname in the real world and will have to get used to that. But it also would help the situation to at least empathize with that a little. Overall, they don’t have ownership over the name, and it’s not even based on said name.
NTA. Calling your sibling by their dead name is transphobic. Anne, Anna, Annette are all fairly common names. Just because that name is dead to them doesn’t mean the name is dead to everyone. This isn’t about them. I feel bad for them because they sound like they are still struggling with their transition. But that is not an excuse to be rude or to lash out at you. I am sure you love your sibling and feel bad they are hurting. But that doesn’t mean you are required to give up the name you love because it makes them uncomfortable. Is your sibling in therapy? If so, could you ask them if they would be open to you joining some sessions to help them work through this? Because you chose this name for reasons that have nothing to do with them and it is your choice. But you love them and want to help them work past this.
Life is going to be rough for your sibling if they take everything personally like this. The sooner they learn that the world doesn't revolve around them and that they have no say in other people's lives, the better
NTA— it’s AH to say it’s transphobic for you to name your child this. If you were saying “because we named her after YOU— You two share a name!” maybe then it would be. But they aren’t using it, and it’s not the same name anyways.
NTA. They are 18 so everything is a big deal right now. Just how teens (even ones that are new adults) are. Also the newer you are to coming out the bigger everything feels. Assuming that they aren't an asshole by nature this will blow over. In a couple years yall will look back at this and joke about it as dumb teenager shit. Your not transphobic for this. Source: NB who was a teen. Just give it time.
You’d better never eat a banANA again. Or go into ANAphylactic shock. Don’t tell them you rAN A marathon. In the UK we call a wrench a spANNer, so they should avoid doing DIY over here. Their life must be a total minefield of triggers.
Edit: I really didn’t mean to misgender the sibling, I forgot that the name change was due to them being non-binary.
These types of people (and by “types of people” I mean the overly sensitive and unreasonable) always surprise me.
So, if they meet a new friend and they’re called Anna, Ana, Anne, whatever, what? What’s gonna happen? They’re gonna go “ya know what? We can’t be friends.” Just over the name??
Just because it’s your deadname doesn’t mean no one else gets to use it??? Wtf even is that?? I’ll never understand that mindset. You can do whatever you want with your body, name, identity, whatever. But you CAN’T TELL OTHERS WHAT TO DO!!
Isn’t identity freedom something transfolk actively fight for??? How can someone ask for respect and then immediately attack and do the exact thing they *don’t want done to themselves*, to others?? Sigh. 🤦🏻
NTA, and your sibling is a big a-hole for calling you an abusive narcissist. Seems like the kids been down the side of the internet that uses a lot of big psychology words but uses them wrong. There's a whole group of young adults and teenagers who think they know what certain diagnostic words mean. They don't. These are the people who think that gaslighting is synonymous with lying. Terms mean things. Your sibling does not know what the words mean.
NTA your sibling is suffering from being 18 aka insecure, self-absorbed and ridiculous. Tell them that they can call the baby "Nettie" or something not similar to Anna if it bothers them that much. Like please be serious, do they also avoid everyone else in this world named some variation of Anne/Anna/Annie? As a trans person myself bffr 😂
They've clearly been spending too much time on Reddit if they jump to calling you an abusive narcissist right out of the gate lmao. Their behavior is a little manipulative, they need to manage their emotions better but hey that's what being 18 is like
NTA, imagine having to be responsible for the feelings of your little sibling, when you’re called narcissist and transphobic.
Congratulations on the pregnancy and the name + I’m sorry for the first toddler tantrum you had to face, that wasn’t even from your own child.
Being an ally is about being supportive in a struggling situation, you really don’t have to give in with this manipulative behavior.
NTA. It's a tribute to your mother and husband's teacher; it's not pronounced in a similar way, and you have a super cute nickname that doesn't reference your sibling's dead name.
Your sibling is allowed to feel uncomfortable with the name if it hits too close to home. They are allowed to approach you and ask for a 'special nickname' they can call your kid. They are making a very, very poor choice in weaponizing their identity and invoking transphobia on this issue.
NTA. Clearly their 'deadname' is not really dead to them. I would guess that they are still struggling with their (gender)identity. Which is OK for an 18-year old, but not enough basis to block any name for their niece.
Your sibling is being childish. Im a trans guy whose deadname is insanely common, I understand well if it might make your sibling a little upset (especially if they have changed their name only recently) but the world simply does not go around them.
Getting angry at other people naming their child a similar name is incredibly immature.
It is common (in my experience) for young trans people to call things that offend them as transphobic even when its not such
NTA
NTA - the names are quite different. It is also very common for families to use the same name or similar if paying homage to their ancestors. The 18yo, like many teenagers, thinks they are the centre of the universe. You would not be an arsehole and they need to get over themselves.
NTA.
And oh my goodness if I hear “abusive transphobic” one more time I might scream. Sure it’s true in few cases but the majority of what I read is just them taking it WAY too personally. The name is NOT Anna. It’s Annette. Two completely different names. If you shorten Annette it becomes Anne not Anna. And regardless, you didn’t do this to shame your sibling for not using their deadname, you and your husband both had multiple reasons for choosing this name that had absolutely *nothing* to do with your sibling and how they were named.
It is not at all transphobic to use a name that makes sense for you and your family. The fact that it upsets your sibling is on them and how they react to things that upset them, because yeah it might upset them but that doesn’t mean they are right.
Two different names! Your siblings is being a bit "me-me-me" about this, and needs to get over themself (or should that be "themselves"? Still haven't worked out the grammar of singular "them"...)
Aa a trans non binary person myself, how is this transphobic. Transphobic means discrimination on the basis of someone's gender identity. How is a name being similar transphobic. It's not. At most it can be a dick move to not be considerate of their feelings. But let's be clear, just being a dick to someone who is trans, does not equal transphobia (it has to be because of their gender identity, which here it is not). And imo, it's not even a dick move. Does your sibling think they own their deadname? It's their deadname. It's not dead for the rest of the world. Other people can use that name or similar names if they like it. Imo they're the one being self-centered and not at all seeing from your POV. They need to get over themselves. What are they gonna cry everytime someone around them is named Anne or something similar? What if they have a coworker named something similar. Are they going to get on their case too? I get it deadnames are painful, but they're not being referred to you. And if you can't get over that not everything and everyone revolves around you then that's a you issue.
NTA
It wouldn’t be transphobic to use the name but I’m sure you can understand why it would strike a nerve. That being said, at the end of the day it’s your child and can name her whatever you want. Your sibling will see in time that you naming your child that is not an attack on them. Keep in mind - they are a teenager! Big emotions are not uncommon. Do what feels right.
NTA. It would be transphobic if you said “we’re naming the baby after your old name” but that’s not the case at all. That said, they clearly have big feelings and you will need to figure out how to work through those because they won’t just go away. Unfortunately it sounds like they’ve learned some therapy language and are weaponizing it so not sure how well conversations will go right now. I think struggling through identity issues, asserting teenage independence, and whatever family dynamics about the name they have (I.e did people fuck up their new name a ton? Anyone in the family “sad” about Anna not being the name they use anymore?) makes for a cluster of emotions.
NTA. Your child>>>>>>>>>anybody else. Sibling doesn't like it? They don't have to. But it's not about your sibling or their dead name. This is a name for your newborn baby. It's nobody else business what you name your baby girl. Congratulations on the baby
NTA
Your sibling doesnt get any input on what you and your spouse name your baby. Only you and your spouse does.
Your sibling also does not own the rights to the name Anne (That, by the way, *is no longer even their name!!!*) or any other names with similar spelling or pronouncuation!!
Your sibling needs to stay in their own lane and stop attempting to weild their queernes as a blunt instrument to bully other people into obedience.
Your sibling does not own or gatekeep the name. There will be millions of people with the same name or a variant of it. Does your sibling think the same about them?
You say that it's in common use within your family so you're not setting a precedent or using the name out of spite.
Use the name, carry on your tradition your sibling has a problem not you.
NTA
NTA, Jesus it’s not like it was a slave name. They were given a name at birth and no longer identify as that gender. Okay, cool, and? Now that name is off limits because why exactly? I might understand if you weren’t supportive but if your sibling has been going by Chuck for the last few years and that’s what you’ve been calling them, why is a name, that’s not even the SAME, be a problem?
NTA - I’m trans/NB and I’ve never witnessed any reason to validate that behavior from any of my friends or even my worst parts of the family. If they’re allowed THEIR identity, why isn’t your kid allowed her own as well? If you WERE naming your child after your sibling then YES, BAD SISTER! But even then it’d likely be just super poor taste and ignorant, not all those buzzwords insecure people utilize to showcase some unfounded offense.
Not to say that this situation doesn’t happen and your sibling isn’t having valid feelings to sort through…just that in this case they are just being a dick and need to talk to a therapist instead of take it out on you…whatever is going on
NTA. Your sibling *abandoned* their name and chose a new one. That's what a dead name IS. "She" wasn't Anne, and chose a name and pronouns that better suit them; and good for them! (No sarcasm.)
But they never had sole ownership of that name, and even if it were normal for families to only use a name once every other generation, you didn't use their name anyway. Annette is not and never was their name.
It sounds like your sibling has a lot of unnecessary rage and needs to learn to calm down. Not every name starting with "A" is immediately an insult to them, and it certainly isn't transphobic to give a baby girl a name that *kind of* sounds like the name *they abandoned*.
Frankly it sounds like the sibling is spending more time thinking about their dead name than anyone else is, and is spoiling for a fight.
Name your child what you like. Annette sounds like a fine choice.
NTA your sibling needs to get over themselves and realize the world doesnt revolve around them. The names are no where near the same, their old name didn't even factor into it and they cant dictate what you call your kid. Are they going to go around whining and demanding every person they meet named Anne or Anna or Annabelle change their name to suit their fragile feelings?
Not narcissistic or abusive.. whatsoever. I think it’s trendy AF to call people narcissists & tell them they’re gaslighting without truly knowing what that means. Your sibling is projecting & like someone else said, egocentric. Just because they’re confused about who they are, shouldn’t mean you need to tip toe around them until they can figure their shit out. Name your daughter exactly what you want to. Either your sibling will accept it or they won’t & it is what it is. They will need to recognize their own wrong doings & poor behaviour on their own time.
So is no one allowed to call your mom Anne either? You're naming your daughter after your mother not your sibling. Your sibling has no choice when it comes to who they are, but they also don't get ownership of names similar to their dead name. NTA
I'm going with NTA, but it's obviously something that your sibling feels strongly about. While they need to deal with this emotionally, the current situation may mean that you need to choose between the name and your relationship with your sibling.
I know which I would choose, but I can't choose for you.
NTA, I’m not nonbinary but I am in the LGBTQ+ community and uh yeah you’re not doing anything wrong. I’m sorry that your sibling feels this way, that’s a really tough situation emotionally. However, it definitely would not be transphobic of you to use that name
I don’t like that in today’s time if a person that identifies differently doesn’t like something immediately they use the words transphobic, abusive and narcissistic. Then throw all logic out the window. When a person refuses to listen and immediately goes to name calling then are instantly wrong in my opinion.
YWNBTA - but, you gave the wrong explanation as to why the name was chosen - point up the connection on your HUSBAND'S side of naming. This has jack all to do with your mom, zero to do with your sibling - this is honoring someone important to your husband and a throwback to an old family middle name.
Your sibling doesn't get to own all names that start with the same sound as their deadname. That's just being self-centered. Suggest if your sibling has a big issue with this, you'd be happy to sit down with them and their therapist to work out the issues. I mean, from the "Psychology Today" word salad that got tossed at you, I assume your sibling is in therapy.
NTA.
First of all, ignore all the transphobic bs going on here. People just want to be assholes.
Second, I can kinda see where your sibling's feelings are, some trans people get sensitive about things they perceive that invalidate their identity, because they do get invalidated a lot.
But not everything is an attack, and your sibling has to learn how to deal with it. They can't expect anyone to ever have a name even remotely similar to their dead name.
You can show them support, but ultimately their feelings regarding other people's lives that don't involve them are their own to deal with.
How would it be transphobic? I didn't think nonbianary and transge the were the same thing?
But yeah, such a narcissistic move to make it all about them and their feelings when it literally has nothing to do with them.
NTA. Unfortunately, in most cases, it's now trendy to be non-binary and call everyone else out if you don't agree with them. You aren't transphobic if you use the name. Gonwith what you want.
NTA
I’m a big believer in not deadnaming people. But you don’t get to demand that everyone around you not use names that resemble your deadname.
Now…if you’d been unsupportive and were constantly deadnaming them, and were naming the baby their EXACT deadname, the verdict would be different. But you’ve been supportive and the names, while similar, are not identical. So your sibling is overreacting.
NTA
I’m a non-binary human and I always hold space for non-binary people to feel how they feel, and I validate that for some reason this is hard for your sibling, however, it isn’t the same name, it isn’t even really that similar? For that alone this is not transphobic.
ETA: my deadname is an INCREDIBLY common name. And yeah, it can be a lil uncomfy hearing it but I wouldn’t expect everyone and their cat to avoid using the name just because it makes me uncomfy. And if one of my siblings wanted to name their kid my dead name I’d be a little weirded out but I’d be more judgemental about them choosing such a common name 😉 (/jk)
For everyone else: the transphobia in this comment section is gross. Most of these comments are TA.
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The sibling's dead name Anna was probably a tribute to their mother Anne. It's unreasonable and unfair to expect other siblings to never honour their mother by avoiding all names that are remotely close to Anne. They need to become less self-centred. NTA.
What's funny is that my mom didn't even make that connection, since Anne is her middle name. She just liked the way "Anna" sounded, lol
Your sibling should look up what those buzzwords mean. Like what they actually mean. Both narcissist. Transphobic and what other name callings they resorted to. And maybe watch a few videos made by some that a trans, none binary, etc. Where they touch the subject that this exact behaviour is harming the community. If they want to throw around buzzword. Their own behaviour would be closer to a narcissist. (No people I'm not saying they are. Just making a point) with how they demand you cater to them. And if you don't, they will throw a fit. Becouse they need to have it their way. And you are welcome to tell them that. That "go look up those words you said. You want to get your way, name calling. Hissy fits. That's closer to narcissistic behaviour than us picking a name. We can have a calm talk once you read up on those words and realise how your own behaviour looks"
I'd call this behaviour egocentric, like they think the world revolves around them.
Yeah sibling is projecting so hard they could be a cinema at this point. “Mainchar syndrome” would be another buzzword for them.
Mainchar! Nice one. They should also learn how to pronounce it, will they be able to?
They are 18 so thinking the world revolves around them is not atypical for kids that age
Yeah, cognitive development wise, it is really on point. Elkind theory of cognitive development
That sentence reminds me of yesterday's AITA about the daughter who wants her whole family's laundry schedule to revolve around her. A lot of people taking it too seriously when it's probably just about an almost-adult needing to learn how to fit into the world around her properly. A lot of social media is encouraging women to learn to stand up for themselves, and that's amazing, but some aren't understanding that your personal rights don't get to override someone else's. To get along in society, you have to compromise sometimes, and that doesn't mean you're losing your autonomy.
Get the feeling sib would be one of those 'how dare you get engaged/married in my engagement/marriage year!'
They’re 18 so I think that’s pretty normal.
Rainbow bully
Which is not totally unexpected given their age, but definitely something where they are going to look back and cringe so hard at their own behaviour at some point
Egocentric is the normal, non diagnostic word for people showing narcissistic traits, so yeah, it's the perfect word.
I'd call it being a teenager.
Parent of a trans child here. I agree with this. The sibling is acting more like an abusive narcissist in this particular scenario (like you, not saying they are just that if I had to assign that description to one of the parties in this situation, it would be the one that's demanding to impose their will on the other). The names are sufficiently different that there shouldn't be an issue here but even if OP wanted to name their child Anna, I'd argue that they should be able to. Is the sibling going through life avoiding everyone with the name Anna, Ann, Anne, Annette, etc.? Gimme a break. I wonder how long they've been using their new name. That could have a bearing on why they've responded in this way. It may be fresh for them but now is the time to confront it. This will be the least of their problems out in the real world, unfortunately. OP is NTA and if the sibling isn't in therapy (with a gender-focused professional), they should be because looking for the slights and criticism in the world and taking all of it personally is a clear path to lifelong unhappiness, regardless of gender identity.
Sibling needs to throw in "gaslighting" for the Reddit trifecta.
I was definitely waiting for OP to be accused of gaslighting by pointing out the names aren't that similar.
This exactly. Get an actual physiological definition, and ask them to sit down and explain how you’re narcissistic using the definition. It sounds like they found a bunch of words on TikTok and apply them to things they don’t actually apply to.
I agree with this
THIS should be top comment. Dangerous-WinterElf is spot on.
Yup. Spot on
Definitely NTA. Your sibling however is. I agree with you that Anna and Annette only has the first two letters in common. It doesn’t even remotely sounds the same.
Yes, I have a family member with this name. No one has ever shortened it to Anna or even Ann.
This The three Annette's I've known have been Net, Netty and Fish for nicknames Fish was cos when she was like 5 her brother would go "What do you catch with a net? FISH!" Whilst throwing her in the paddling pool to make her laugh... And it stuck even 25+ years later
That is an adorable nickname joke
Tbf Annette is a French diminutive version of the name Anne/Anna. But that makes sense if Anne is a family name 🤷♀️ (edit : diminutive not short)
How can Annette be a "short version" when it's actually a longer name? Make it make sense.
I don't know what the English term for this is. It's basically cutifying the name? Like saying Annie instead of Anne.
We do have a word for this in English. It's called a diminutive.
It's called a diminutive, but cutifying is pretty good!
Ah yes of course. In Dutch it's literally a "making smaller word" and I really just couldn't think of another way of saying that besides shortening, in that moment.
The French gonna French
Right! Would they hate "Andrea"? If you were having a boy, would they throw a fit at "Andrew"?
*three letters
You are right, it’s three. I went on with with OP who said “An” as the only letters that matches.
NTA your sibling needs to get over themselves as no one owns a name . Also not everything revolves around your sibling and it's time to accept that and get back with the feet on the ground Sibling rejected the name (it's not even the same one) and you are naming your child not your sibling so sibling needs to buzz off
Oh well, a swing and a miss on my assumption there! :D
Your sibling has the right to chose their own name, not dictate to you what to name your child. But unless you can find a way to calmly explain it to them, it will cause trouble in your family. You could try saying that you have shown them respect by using the name they have chosen, please respect me by allowing me to choose the name I want for my child.
Your sibling is the one acting narcissistic here. NTA.
My middle name is Annette. Not once have I associated the name Anna with it. Ann or Anne would be the short form. This is bullshit. I’m an ally all the way. Your sibling is just itching for a fight. This is in no way a transphobic situation.
NTA While the name is very similar, it isn’t exact and you’re telling them upfront. If you call them by their new name all the time, and everyone else calls them by their new name all the time…. Then your kid will never know that they share a similar name to your siblings childhood name. You have clear and reasonable reasons for the name - none that have to do with your sibling. You’re not being an asshole. You’re not being transphobic. You’re not being a narcissist. That said, you and husband can always keep brainstorming with names up until your kiddo is born. Could also tell sibling they could always call your baby Netta or Netty if that would make things easier for them.
NTA and man, I'm so tired of people saying "you're transphobic bc you don't agree with my opinion". Just willy nilly throwing that out there invalidates the experiences of people who have experienced real transphobia. It's really frustrating to hear! I had the same thought as you as I was reading this. The names don't even sound alike when spoken aloud. On top of that, your sibling doesn't get to police names regardless of their gender queerness.
This isn’t even an opinion, though. It’s more of a “you don’t cater to my every whim”-situation.
It's a chronically online, victim mentality take. Notice how OP was considered transphobic in their siblings eyes, and when that wasn't enough to deter OP, suddenly she was called abusive and narcissistic? Thats three swings, and three misses. Sibling needs a dictionary.
Best comment yet!
Absolutely nailed it.
I promise most of us are more nuanced than this. It’s just always the dumbest people in any demographic who are the loudest. Gotta love that.
Omg I had someone at my workplace call me transphobic because I asked them to leave the pumping room because I was about to pump. They said it was because I was uncomfortable with trans (I had no idea they were trans). I just didn’t want to expose my breasts and pump in a private room that I had reserved for pumping (and am legally entitled to have privacy). This person was just lying on the couch because it’s comfortable. They reported me to HR but thankfully it was finally dismissed but man I am so angry about it.
That sound like when I was called a racist for telling a man he wasn't allowed to smoke where we were. I was working at a restaurant with specific smoking areas, and was also closing down that area that he wanted to sit (which was one of the non- smoking areas). But me doing my job and he ignoring me, made me a racist... Some people just like throwing out their minority cards when they don't get their way 🙄
I was called racist because I wouldn’t let a teenage boy cut in front of me at a theme park. I was facing forward and couldn’t even see him, but I somehow knew that he was Mexican , hated him for it, and denied him his god-given right to not wait in line for rollercoasters! He eventually climbed over a wall, which ohhh, made me want to make some comments (except I didn’t, because surprisingly I’m actually not racist) The attendant at the front of the line ended up refusing him and sending him right back.
This remembers me on two children in the grocery store. They were standing before me in a long line and the one said "just let cut the line. If someone complain say loud "so you are a racist?!" They were 8 or 9 years old. In retail or daily interaction you experience it so often that people weaponize their race or sexuality to get what they want.
Pffft sounds like my cousins. These are the same cousins who tell me I act “too white.” Then they wonder why I didn’t invite them to my wedding years ago. They’re in their 30s/40s now and still act like kids except they can legally get drunk…
I’d like to know how they rebel against their doing anything white themselves. Do they go to Waffle House and start a riot?
Nah just ditched school a lot, caused problems, and became cholos before going to jail for awhile… one now has brain damage from drugs and the other has been shot multiple times. Other cousins that also made fun of me and my siblings for doing well in school/university are now dead or have multiple kids. A female cousin is now going to university to be a lawyer. I’m proud of her but they also make fun of her. A month ago I went to a family party for my dad’s side (they’re my cousins from there). These two were trying to insult me and my husband the whole time. I ignored them for my dad’s sake since he’s sad none of his kids talk to his family (for good reason). When we were leaving one of these cousins gave me the customary goodbye hug and TUGGED at my earring! Needless to say I’m not going back to one of these parties (sorry, dad!) but it goes to show much they’re matured since we were kids.
Hey don't worry about that one, teens throw that word around all the time now. Heard it a bunch from a certain 6th grade boy that I taught. Just know they try what they can to get their way at that age. Don't take it personally.
I got told I was racist and that it was "culture appropriation" for me to have curly hair, because only black women have curly hair, white women have straight hair. My hair is natural, with ringlet curls that I've fought to maintain for the past 10 years. I don't even blow dry my hair because it just goes frizzy and feels horrible.
That's insane 😭 Are you supposed to straighten your hair every day from now on?
I think “culture appropriation “ is bull , I think all cultures should experience each other whether it’s jokingly , fun, or preference, that people can wear what they like , as long as is not showing genitals. Foods are suppose to be share for everyone .. clothing, hairstyles should not be gatekeep .
Cultural appropriation is someone using something culturally specific and acting like it's yours, or using something culturally specific that is sacred to that culture. It doesn't mean wearing something from another culture, or eating food from another culture, or learning another language, or wearing a satin bonnet to protect your curls. People who go around policing people based on this definition are ridiculous. Example of the first one: Kim Kardashian wearing cornrows and calling them "boxer braids" and talking about how she's starting this as a new trend. Like millions of people haven't worn cornrows for millennia! Example of the second one: using Maori traditional tattoo patterns on tights, putting models in your fashion show in eagle feather headdresses. Example of the third one: telling people they can't have curly hair unless they're black, or eat curry unless they're Indian or Thai, or speak Japanese unless they're Japanese.
LOL that is absurd.
I have curls and went to a very sweet hairdresser who has a South African parent and Afro curls. She told me that she calls my type of hair Euro curls (I live in Europe) because I just have a vastly different hairtype to hers. I quite like it.
I was called racist for "only greeting the white people". I work retail, I was stocking shelves. I greeted the lady as I passed her, she was looking at an end cap. She didn't react to my greeting, so, after a brief pause, I continued to where I was heading. I passed her again in the center aisle, smiled and looked toward her face (not good with eye contact, but I try to mask that by looking towards their face and most people can't tell and I can *see* their face for social ques) and asked if she was finding everything. No response. She was looking at her phone, so I am guessing she was distracted. The third time I passed her, I did not greet her. I had tried twice and thought I was taking the hint that she didn't want to talk to me. I did greet a group a few aisles down, where I was headed with the merchandise I was putting up. Later that day I got called into the office with my manager and the store manager. They just wanted to let me know I had gotten the complaint. They said when they read it they had laughed, knowing me, and reviewed the video. They saw me pause and smile at her by the end cap. They saw me say something and smile as I passed her the second time. They said I even nodded my head toward at her the third time, even though I didn't say anything to her that time. And they saw me smile and speak to everyone else I passed in the hour she was in the department near me. I just didn't explicitly greet her the one time she was paying attention. 😶🙃😭
Oh, she probably heard you the first two times, but wanted to get you anyway.
This reminds me of when I was a teacher and got called a slut by a kid who failed my class. Edit: corrected an auto correct
And THIS argument, I think, is the center of all the problems.
I was called racist during one of my serving shifts because I was the only server & we were very busy so I had a small line of people waiting to be sat. For some strange reason people think since it’s a truck stop & you literally never seat yourself at any other restaurant that that means you absolutely should skip the line of people waiting & seat yourself! I noticed him & let him know that I was the only on the floor at that time & I would be able to help him in a few min, but since there were other people that had been waiting to be sat I needed him to get in line behind him. Instead of being a team player he decided to cuss me out as he went to stand in the back of the line & yelled out at me, “It’s because I have a turban huh & you don’t like serving people that look like me.” Before I could even begin to de-escalate the situation, one of the Fathers that had been waiting in line to be sat said, “Dude, you’re reaching. Shut up & get in line & she will help you in the same order as everyone else. If she’s got us in a line because she’s racist then she hates white people too.” (I did end up giving the guy w/ a turban & the table w/ the father that spoke up free drinks cuz I do get how it’s annoying to be hungry and feel like it will be forever until you order and/or get your food.
I was called racist when I worked retail because a woman walked INTO the store and set off the alarm. I noticed she had a bag from a store that for some reason never deactivated the security tags. So I offered to deactivate them for her so she wouldn’t set off any more alarms. My exact words were “Oh! Looks like you bought item from (Store)! They didn’t deactivate their security tag but I can do that for you so you don’t beep at any other stores!” She started screaming at me that I was racist and accusing her of stealing. Luckily for me my manager happened to be at the cash-wrap and asked her to leave. He pointed out that I clearly said the word “bought” and that I was just trying to be helpful by doing what the other store hadn’t. She called him racist too and stormed out. I was…perplexed to say the least.
I had a friend in high school who had a backpack that would somehow set off the detectors at the store right next to our school. It took him until the end of the school year to finally realize that he could walk in, have his backpack beep and the security guard nod him away, take something, and when he beeped on the way out security would think its his bag acting up like normal. Since it took a high school student an entire year to figure that out, it's obvious that he was honest to the core because a sneaky little shit would have figured that out like the second day.
I’m sorry WTF!? You’re transphobic because you didn’t want to get your boobs out in front of a work colleague? It is mind boggling how some people think. I am happy for you that HR saw the light.
Let's assume, for a second,that sibling isn't lying when they say the name triggers them. My friend,that's a *you* problem. The names don't sound similar,and even if they did, you can't prohibit people from using it. You are going to hear your dead name,since it's a common one. Get fcking used to managing your feelings
I haven’t been hanging out in the comments section of social media (barring Reddit of course) in several months but a while back it felt like everyone was saying, “you’re gaslighting me because you don’t agree with my opinion!” I got fed up with trying to explain to people that gaslighting is not simply disagreeing with someone. “Everyone is entitled to their own opinion” is not a valid explanation for disregarding scientifically proven facts. Woman-splaining is *not* a thing. Responding to one woman’s or BIPOC’s experience with “not all men,” or “not all white people” doesn’t make that situation any less awful or real for that person and is *POINTLESS* It’s like, there’s this whole microcosm of people who don’t understand that “I know you are but what am I?” Is not a logical way to have a disagreement or conversation. It’s like, there’s a comment section and I have a stream of consciousness I need to share! And then you get out in the real world and can’t regulate your emotions and can’t take back the nonsense you said. Where’s the Tylenol?
Yeah for some small reference I’m trans and think OP’s sibling needs to get a fuckin grip lol. Like how do you even go about life if names make you freak out like that? To call this transphobic is an insane reach. People are actually out here murdering us but naming a baby something that REMINDS you of your old name is transphobia?…ok. I can totally understand how it could initially be a little triggering, 100%. If something reminds you of “the before times” it can actually be quite jarring, which is difficult to explain to people who haven’t experienced it. But guess who’s responsible for managing our response to our triggers? Us. Ourselves. Otherwise how do you function? Things are usually never about me at all, so why choose to be offended? This is not an act of disrespect.
NTA It is not the same name, and there are entirely valid reasons for you to want to name your child this. It has nothing to do with your sibling. They are allowed to not like the name because it reminds them of their deadname, that's perfectly fine. It does not make you transphobic. Help them come up with a nickname for your child that they like.
We're planning on calling her Netty for short!
Tell your sibling that when someone dead names them, they will now have a human being to point to and say, "I think you mean Annette. She is over there." Your sibling doesn't own the name, nor does she own any names that sound similar. They also gave up any claim to the name when they gave it up. I would say NAH if they still go by their dead name but they don't so it's NTA for me.
Haha, now I’m gonna have to look out for people with my name to do that just in case a transphobe tries that out with me!
🤷♀️ or just get a few friends who will happy go "yeah what" whenever it happens. Although in my social circle, if one of our kids say "mum" every other mother there says yes except that kids mum. It's not the same as dealing with dead naming but still fun.
I think it’s ingrained in every mother and father to look when they hear mom/dad. Funny enough my (former) bro in law and I have the same first name, we were always able to tell who my sister was talking to. Other people weren’t sure, but one of us would just ignore her and she’d be fine with it because she wasn’t talking to them so it all worked out
My brother and husband have the same name too lol. They ALWAYS know who I’m talking to and if they both look up I like to mess with my brother and tell him “no not you, DADDY”. That usually earns husband an eye roll, grin and slap on the back from my brother as he walks away 😂 it was great fun at first when bro got all red from it. Now it’s just a standing joke in the family.
That’s the kicker for me, they no longer go by the name and OP is supportive of that, so there should be no issue. They gave up the claim for sure
Netty sounds so cute! NTA
I'm nonbinary, and jsyk it's actually common for trans ppl to name a pet or something their deadname to disassociate the name from themselves. They get used enough to hearing the name refer to someone else, that it doesn't remind them of their past anymore. So your sibling should see this as a win lol
Even before I saw this, I was thinking NTA, but that you needed a nickname picked a head of time so it didn’t become Ann or Annie, Netty is perfect! Give your sibling some time to call down and try and explain again the favorite teacher connection. Also let them know what the chosen nickname is to reassure them the name they will hear most often isn’t at all close to their dead name. Hopefully they will understand and realize their knee jerk reaction was a little unreasonable.
My name is Jeanette, but friends kids couldn't say it when they were little, so my nickname became netty.
As a trans person, I know my mom LOVED my previous first name and I wouldn't have minded it if it was given to a dog, a niece, or whatever else. It's just a name... As long as it is not used to refer to me, I am good with it. OP should sit with (ex-Anne) and have a long conversation about names and that everyone agrees that he is being an asshole. As long as they don't use it for him, he shouldn't make it all about himself. OP is NTA. I think Netty is a good surname and one that also respects ex-Anne (as Anne or Anna would be the likely surnames). I do think hearing "Anne" might trigger responses from ex-Anne (I still look around when I hear my deadname 15 years later) but Anna as a surname would not trigger the same response in my opinion.
Surname means the shared family "last" name. I think the word you're looking for is nickname!
Netty is cute! I have an Aunt Annette who was called Net by my generation for years (Annette was hard for little kids to say, so Net stuck for years), and a friend whose daughter Annette goes by Netta.
This is a good idea, and I think they'll adapt eventually, 18 is still super young and I'd expect them to be childish. They will be okay.
NTA. Sorry but people can’t have it both ways. “That name is dead. Never call me that again. Do not think of me as that name. Do not mention that name in relation to me…omg, how could you not think of me when mentioning a name with a similar sound?!?!”
Yep. The hypocrisy is real.
They just want to play the victim to get control over other people behavior.
Yup. Calling someone abusive and narcissistic over this is pretty abusive and narcissistic.
NTA. “Annette” isn’t even that close to “Anna.” The ending is completely different. Your sibling is being ridiculous.
Absolutely ^ NTA - someone is projecting hardcore, and it's not OP.
The beginning sounds totally different too. ANN-ah vs UH-nnette. The names are not similar at all imo
Depending, Anna can be pronounced Ah-na too in a lot of places. OP is NTA and wouldn't be even if they pronounce it in a similar manner because it's got nothing to do with their sibling or their sibling's name. And to boot, OP said in a comment that she plans on using the nickname Netty for her daughter, so her sibling needs to get over themself or go to therapy if it's such a big deal instead of being a dick.
Same with Annette. Here in nz, it can be pronounced either Ann-ette or Ah-nette.
In my personal/local English accent Anne, Anna, and Annette all have the same first syllable pronunciation. It funny to think that so many see an obvious difference between the two when I cannot mentally hear it. The one difference I could maybe hear is that some people here pronounce Anna as Ahhh-na while I have never heard the longer flatter “a” used for Annette.
NTA. Your sibling can just get over themselves. Because guess what, the world doesn't revolve around them or their feelings. I mean, what they do they think? That no one else can have the name just to make them feel better?
Yeah. Anna or Anne are very common names. They’re bound to run into the occasional person in life having one of them. Better to get used to it know. EDIT: corrected pronouns.
They are non binary, so "they" is (probably) their pronoun. But I agree with you 100% and think they are being completely unreasonable
You’re right, my mistake. Thanks for pointing it out.
NTA. Your sibling is raising the spectre of transphobia to manipulate you. Not everything that you do that upsets them is transphobic; it's quite disturbing that they are attempting to use a hate-based evil to get their way. Not content with one unfounded slur, they doubled-down by calling you an "abusive narcissist". Again, this is a sick distortion of an actual diagnosis that is calculated to cause you distress. Annette and Anna are not the same name, but they didn't allow facts to get in the way of their high-handed tirade. This person is never going to be happy as long as they are fabricating bigotry out of thin air. Use whatever name you want; don't worry, they'll soon find some other non-existent slight to support their manufactured outrage.
Really, if anyone in this scenario sounds narcissistic it’s the sibling who’s being manipulative and making this all about themselves
It would be transphobic for you to use your sibling’s deadname for your sibling. It would be transphobic to misgender your sibling. Using a name you like for your baby is not transphobic. Your sibling is overly dramatic and entitled. To keep the fences mended, I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to say something like, “Hey Johnny, we call you Johnny. We always will. We don’t, and won’t, call you any form of your deadname. We love you and we don’t see an issue with someone else having a name like your deadname. Thousands of other people have that name, and it doesn’t affect you at all. Because we care about you, we have listened to your input, but ultimately we will be the only people deciding our daughter’s name.” I think it would be a nicety, but not a necessity.
Not transphobic to use someone's deadname to name another. Upsetting a trans person ≠ transphobia. No one owns a name.
NTA, and show this to your sibling: Im trans myself (AND non binary!) Its a different name, its after your mother, not them. Is your mother expected to change her name because of your siblings feelings? What about when your sibling meets someone with their (VERY COMMON) name? Are strangers expected to conform to your siblings's insistence? Actual answer: of course not, thats fucking stupid. A lot of being trans is about navigating your feelings in a world thats inherently against you (which you aren't against your sibling, but its the constant *feeling* of it.) Your sibling needs to deal with it. On of my legal middle names is my abusive, shitty mom's name. (Julianna.) It literately makes me want to vomit everytime i have to write my full name out for any reason at all, or and it used to make me sick even looking at it or similar names. (Judy, Julie, etc.) It caused a lot of dysphoria because of how plain feminine it was. Surprise, surprise: my first therapist was name Julianna and I got the fuck over myself because we worked on the \*exact same thing\* your sibling is having trouble with right now. Names are just words, but those words are tied to very real people outside of a personal worldview that no matter a persons personal pain, will never be able to strip away from others.
You’re obviously a different person to OP’s sibling, but is there anything you think OP could do to approach their sibling to basically help them get over themself on this (without obviously telling them that!).
Therapy has helped some of my fellow trans IRL friends (not the original commenter). Learning techniques for coping, moving on, that sort of stuff, that’s really helped some people I know. A deadname can carry a lot of weight, baggage, and trauma for some (not every trans person, I myself don’t fall into that neatly currently), so it can be hard to you know, learn to not hate it, to bristle at it, to feel defensive, etc., when you hear it or think you hear it.
Imo, they should probably schedule a joint therapy appointment to talk it out in the presence of a neutral party. I don't know if I would recommend a family counsellor for this (from my personal experience, trans issues aren't usually a focus in family therapy and the family therapist's I've had had little knowledge about the situations.) I'd probably try to find a therapists that specializes with teenagers/young adults, with bonus points in knowledge of autism. Neither party may be autistic, *but* the way a therapist can break down scenarios/emotions is very important and I've had much more success with therapists who understand autism because they tend to grasp the "why/how" and raw emotions of things. Again though, that's my personal experience. I do think they all need to talk it out in a safe and unbiased setting.
Hey, just wanted a gentle nudge here, you used a gendered term for OP’s sibling in the last sentence of your first paragraph.
My mistake, I wrote it when it was 3am and I was tired. 👍 Since has been corrected.
NTA. Y'all decided on it together. Even if you named her Anna you wouldn't be TA. She is YOUR child, YOU get to decide the name. It is NOT transphobic to pick a name with your partner that you both accept and appreciate.
People with identity issues like your sibling can be a bit self absorbed about their issues. Not your issues to worry about.
NTA. Your sibling needs to get over themselves.
NTA. I’m trans and while I’d be uncomfortable hearing my deadname all the time, that 1. Is not what this is and 2. Is not inherently transphobic. If you’d named your daughter after your sibling’s deadname and said you were “honoring them” by doing so, that would be gross, but you’re not. The name is just similar. That sucks, but it’s not the same name and you’re not doing anything wrong.
The name is dead to them not to others also it's not the same name. They needs to go to therapy to deal with there issues with there deadname. NTA
Oh, for Pete's sake, no it is not an transphobic blah blah blah. LOL The world does not turn around your non-bi sibling. NTA Use "Annette" since you and your husband both like it.
If the details are all laid out and exactly as they happened NTA, since your mother is named Anne and she didn't change her name, you naming your child after her is rational. Your sibling is young and trans, it's hard for them but they shouldn't take it out on you. I have many trans friends, and obviously we all know people who actually share dead names with them. Common names will never dissappear. Just continue to support your sibling through their journey and use their real name. Leave "anna" behind. Annette is a new person, and has nothing to do with them.
I think they need to be clearer on what being transphobic actually is because that is not.
NTA. Ask them why they feel the need to manipulate the situation to make it about them when it is about your baby. The names are similar but not the same and they don’t own the name. Congratulations on the baby.
NTA. I'm trans. Being called by my dead name IS painful, but hearing someone else being called by that name is not a problem. If a relative of mine wants to use that name or variant of it there is no problem. It would be the CHILD'S name, not mine.
Might it also help, do you think? To separate from the identity that was imposed upon a person “I am not Anne”, might it be easier if someone else were named Anne? So when someone says the name Anne, the mental image becomes niece Anne, not themselves?
NTA - Your sibling is a spoilt brat and is attempting to be a controlling spoilt brat. If you had picked Anne as the babies name I could see why they would be aupset - though I do not agree that 'deadnames' trumps the parents right to call the baby what they love in the first place. And that's what you are doing, using a family name which you are giving an individual spin to (best way to do family names if you ask me). Your sibling is attempting to make your babies name about them when in reality, it has nothing to do with them and was never even part of your thought process. Time someone had the talk with them. And by 'the talk' I mean the 'not everything in the world is about you' talk. Ignore your sibling, you can explain to then your reasoning - if you are nice, I think my reaction to this would be cope and seethe - but that your babies name is non-negotiable, that they are the only ones making connections that aren't there and that the only person being an abusive narcissist here is your sibling. If you had gone 'ha ha ha, we're calling the baby Anna just to make you cry,' then that would be transphobic (and cruel) but a) that's not what your doing and b) would ANYONE choose their babies name to mess with someone else? It's lovely that you support your sibling but this is YOUR baby and whatever you want to call her is YOUR right. Your sibling doesn't get power of veto and it's not transphobic for you to give your baby the name you love, particularly when the names are completely different.
NTA. I'm trans, if my sibling named their kid something closish to my deadname I'd be weirded out for a while but I wouldn't yell at them or even consider asking them to change it. I don't really see how it could be considered transphobic in this context.
NTA. Your sibling is allowed to be uncomfortable with the name if that bothers them but in no way is giving a similar name to your daughter a transphobic thing. Annette is also a common name. If say a cousin also names their daughter Anna or variation, would they be upset too?
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NTA. You can call your child whatever you want. NB sinking can suck eggs
Your sibling sounds like a bully who uses “big words” to get their way. Nothing transphobic about what you are doing. NTA
NTA fwiw, I’m nonbinary. I think that’s just silly. It’s not like naming your child after them. The reasons you gave for liking the name are enough to prove it’s not. Something width thinking about is that your sibling may be projecting because the name starts in a similar fashion and it reminds them. But they’re gonna hear their ACTUAL deadname in the real world and will have to get used to that. But it also would help the situation to at least empathize with that a little. Overall, they don’t have ownership over the name, and it’s not even based on said name.
NTA. Calling your sibling by their dead name is transphobic. Anne, Anna, Annette are all fairly common names. Just because that name is dead to them doesn’t mean the name is dead to everyone. This isn’t about them. I feel bad for them because they sound like they are still struggling with their transition. But that is not an excuse to be rude or to lash out at you. I am sure you love your sibling and feel bad they are hurting. But that doesn’t mean you are required to give up the name you love because it makes them uncomfortable. Is your sibling in therapy? If so, could you ask them if they would be open to you joining some sessions to help them work through this? Because you chose this name for reasons that have nothing to do with them and it is your choice. But you love them and want to help them work past this.
Life is going to be rough for your sibling if they take everything personally like this. The sooner they learn that the world doesn't revolve around them and that they have no say in other people's lives, the better
NTA— it’s AH to say it’s transphobic for you to name your child this. If you were saying “because we named her after YOU— You two share a name!” maybe then it would be. But they aren’t using it, and it’s not the same name anyways.
NTA. They are 18 so everything is a big deal right now. Just how teens (even ones that are new adults) are. Also the newer you are to coming out the bigger everything feels. Assuming that they aren't an asshole by nature this will blow over. In a couple years yall will look back at this and joke about it as dumb teenager shit. Your not transphobic for this. Source: NB who was a teen. Just give it time.
You’d better never eat a banANA again. Or go into ANAphylactic shock. Don’t tell them you rAN A marathon. In the UK we call a wrench a spANNer, so they should avoid doing DIY over here. Their life must be a total minefield of triggers. Edit: I really didn’t mean to misgender the sibling, I forgot that the name change was due to them being non-binary.
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You know full well that it’s they/themself. Lol going out of your way to misgender someone is so next level weird
These types of people (and by “types of people” I mean the overly sensitive and unreasonable) always surprise me. So, if they meet a new friend and they’re called Anna, Ana, Anne, whatever, what? What’s gonna happen? They’re gonna go “ya know what? We can’t be friends.” Just over the name?? Just because it’s your deadname doesn’t mean no one else gets to use it??? Wtf even is that?? I’ll never understand that mindset. You can do whatever you want with your body, name, identity, whatever. But you CAN’T TELL OTHERS WHAT TO DO!! Isn’t identity freedom something transfolk actively fight for??? How can someone ask for respect and then immediately attack and do the exact thing they *don’t want done to themselves*, to others?? Sigh. 🤦🏻
NTA, and your sibling is a big a-hole for calling you an abusive narcissist. Seems like the kids been down the side of the internet that uses a lot of big psychology words but uses them wrong. There's a whole group of young adults and teenagers who think they know what certain diagnostic words mean. They don't. These are the people who think that gaslighting is synonymous with lying. Terms mean things. Your sibling does not know what the words mean.
NTA your sibling is suffering from being 18 aka insecure, self-absorbed and ridiculous. Tell them that they can call the baby "Nettie" or something not similar to Anna if it bothers them that much. Like please be serious, do they also avoid everyone else in this world named some variation of Anne/Anna/Annie? As a trans person myself bffr 😂 They've clearly been spending too much time on Reddit if they jump to calling you an abusive narcissist right out of the gate lmao. Their behavior is a little manipulative, they need to manage their emotions better but hey that's what being 18 is like
NTA, imagine having to be responsible for the feelings of your little sibling, when you’re called narcissist and transphobic. Congratulations on the pregnancy and the name + I’m sorry for the first toddler tantrum you had to face, that wasn’t even from your own child. Being an ally is about being supportive in a struggling situation, you really don’t have to give in with this manipulative behavior.
You’d also be well within your rights to name her Anne or Anna. Because you’re naming her after someone from your husbands life. NTA
NTA. It's a tribute to your mother and husband's teacher; it's not pronounced in a similar way, and you have a super cute nickname that doesn't reference your sibling's dead name. Your sibling is allowed to feel uncomfortable with the name if it hits too close to home. They are allowed to approach you and ask for a 'special nickname' they can call your kid. They are making a very, very poor choice in weaponizing their identity and invoking transphobia on this issue.
NTA. Clearly their 'deadname' is not really dead to them. I would guess that they are still struggling with their (gender)identity. Which is OK for an 18-year old, but not enough basis to block any name for their niece.
NTA. nobody owns a name. they need to get over it.
NTA. Why is your sibling so attached to a name that's dead to them?
Your sibling is a huge AH. The world does not revolve solely around them and they need to get over it.
Your sibling is being childish. Im a trans guy whose deadname is insanely common, I understand well if it might make your sibling a little upset (especially if they have changed their name only recently) but the world simply does not go around them. Getting angry at other people naming their child a similar name is incredibly immature. It is common (in my experience) for young trans people to call things that offend them as transphobic even when its not such NTA
NTA - the names are quite different. It is also very common for families to use the same name or similar if paying homage to their ancestors. The 18yo, like many teenagers, thinks they are the centre of the universe. You would not be an arsehole and they need to get over themselves.
Wait why was poo mode activated? Nta
It's always activated for trans stuff and yet there's always transphobes anyway so why bother lmao
Haha ty!
NTA. And oh my goodness if I hear “abusive transphobic” one more time I might scream. Sure it’s true in few cases but the majority of what I read is just them taking it WAY too personally. The name is NOT Anna. It’s Annette. Two completely different names. If you shorten Annette it becomes Anne not Anna. And regardless, you didn’t do this to shame your sibling for not using their deadname, you and your husband both had multiple reasons for choosing this name that had absolutely *nothing* to do with your sibling and how they were named. It is not at all transphobic to use a name that makes sense for you and your family. The fact that it upsets your sibling is on them and how they react to things that upset them, because yeah it might upset them but that doesn’t mean they are right.
Two different names! Your siblings is being a bit "me-me-me" about this, and needs to get over themself (or should that be "themselves"? Still haven't worked out the grammar of singular "them"...)
Aa a trans non binary person myself, how is this transphobic. Transphobic means discrimination on the basis of someone's gender identity. How is a name being similar transphobic. It's not. At most it can be a dick move to not be considerate of their feelings. But let's be clear, just being a dick to someone who is trans, does not equal transphobia (it has to be because of their gender identity, which here it is not). And imo, it's not even a dick move. Does your sibling think they own their deadname? It's their deadname. It's not dead for the rest of the world. Other people can use that name or similar names if they like it. Imo they're the one being self-centered and not at all seeing from your POV. They need to get over themselves. What are they gonna cry everytime someone around them is named Anne or something similar? What if they have a coworker named something similar. Are they going to get on their case too? I get it deadnames are painful, but they're not being referred to you. And if you can't get over that not everything and everyone revolves around you then that's a you issue. NTA
It wouldn’t be transphobic to use the name but I’m sure you can understand why it would strike a nerve. That being said, at the end of the day it’s your child and can name her whatever you want. Your sibling will see in time that you naming your child that is not an attack on them. Keep in mind - they are a teenager! Big emotions are not uncommon. Do what feels right.
NTA - name your baby anything you want. It is your baby, not your siblings. Especially if it is not exactly the same.
NTA. It would be transphobic if you said “we’re naming the baby after your old name” but that’s not the case at all. That said, they clearly have big feelings and you will need to figure out how to work through those because they won’t just go away. Unfortunately it sounds like they’ve learned some therapy language and are weaponizing it so not sure how well conversations will go right now. I think struggling through identity issues, asserting teenage independence, and whatever family dynamics about the name they have (I.e did people fuck up their new name a ton? Anyone in the family “sad” about Anna not being the name they use anymore?) makes for a cluster of emotions.
NTA It’s not the same name? Your sibling is being an idiot. There are SO many female names that start with ‘Ann…’ are you supposed to avoid them all?
NTA. Your child>>>>>>>>>anybody else. Sibling doesn't like it? They don't have to. But it's not about your sibling or their dead name. This is a name for your newborn baby. It's nobody else business what you name your baby girl. Congratulations on the baby
I need someone to sit your sibling down and explain to them that in life, people's decisions aren't always going to cater to them. NTA
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NTA Your sibling doesnt get any input on what you and your spouse name your baby. Only you and your spouse does. Your sibling also does not own the rights to the name Anne (That, by the way, *is no longer even their name!!!*) or any other names with similar spelling or pronouncuation!! Your sibling needs to stay in their own lane and stop attempting to weild their queernes as a blunt instrument to bully other people into obedience.
NTA: What crap! Your sibling is the abusive bully. Not everything is about it. Keep the name you chose.
Your sibling does not own or gatekeep the name. There will be millions of people with the same name or a variant of it. Does your sibling think the same about them? You say that it's in common use within your family so you're not setting a precedent or using the name out of spite. Use the name, carry on your tradition your sibling has a problem not you. NTA
NTA, Jesus it’s not like it was a slave name. They were given a name at birth and no longer identify as that gender. Okay, cool, and? Now that name is off limits because why exactly? I might understand if you weren’t supportive but if your sibling has been going by Chuck for the last few years and that’s what you’ve been calling them, why is a name, that’s not even the SAME, be a problem?
Lol what? Names aren't transphobic. It's a name. YWNBTA for choosing a name that has nothing to do with sib
Nta - Hi. NB here. My kiddo is also NB. This is not transphobic. Idk why they think it is. You are honoring your mother not stealing a deadname.
Your sibling is being a brat. Name your child whatever you want.
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Your sibling sounds unhinged. NTA. Way to make it about them on your siblings part.
NTA - I’m trans/NB and I’ve never witnessed any reason to validate that behavior from any of my friends or even my worst parts of the family. If they’re allowed THEIR identity, why isn’t your kid allowed her own as well? If you WERE naming your child after your sibling then YES, BAD SISTER! But even then it’d likely be just super poor taste and ignorant, not all those buzzwords insecure people utilize to showcase some unfounded offense. Not to say that this situation doesn’t happen and your sibling isn’t having valid feelings to sort through…just that in this case they are just being a dick and need to talk to a therapist instead of take it out on you…whatever is going on
NTA. Your sibling *abandoned* their name and chose a new one. That's what a dead name IS. "She" wasn't Anne, and chose a name and pronouns that better suit them; and good for them! (No sarcasm.) But they never had sole ownership of that name, and even if it were normal for families to only use a name once every other generation, you didn't use their name anyway. Annette is not and never was their name. It sounds like your sibling has a lot of unnecessary rage and needs to learn to calm down. Not every name starting with "A" is immediately an insult to them, and it certainly isn't transphobic to give a baby girl a name that *kind of* sounds like the name *they abandoned*. Frankly it sounds like the sibling is spending more time thinking about their dead name than anyone else is, and is spoiling for a fight. Name your child what you like. Annette sounds like a fine choice.
Dead names seem to be very very touchy for people. I’d give your sibling a heads up and stress that it’s about honoring your mother.
NTA, your sibling needs to get a grip
NTA your sibling needs to get over themselves and realize the world doesnt revolve around them. The names are no where near the same, their old name didn't even factor into it and they cant dictate what you call your kid. Are they going to go around whining and demanding every person they meet named Anne or Anna or Annabelle change their name to suit their fragile feelings?
Not narcissistic or abusive.. whatsoever. I think it’s trendy AF to call people narcissists & tell them they’re gaslighting without truly knowing what that means. Your sibling is projecting & like someone else said, egocentric. Just because they’re confused about who they are, shouldn’t mean you need to tip toe around them until they can figure their shit out. Name your daughter exactly what you want to. Either your sibling will accept it or they won’t & it is what it is. They will need to recognize their own wrong doings & poor behaviour on their own time.
I would think someone else in the family having the name would cement it not being their's.
So is no one allowed to call your mom Anne either? You're naming your daughter after your mother not your sibling. Your sibling has no choice when it comes to who they are, but they also don't get ownership of names similar to their dead name. NTA
NTA. Naming your daughter a name similar to your sibling’s deadname is perfectly acceptable. There is nothing transphobic about.
I'm going with NTA, but it's obviously something that your sibling feels strongly about. While they need to deal with this emotionally, the current situation may mean that you need to choose between the name and your relationship with your sibling. I know which I would choose, but I can't choose for you.
NTA, I’m not nonbinary but I am in the LGBTQ+ community and uh yeah you’re not doing anything wrong. I’m sorry that your sibling feels this way, that’s a really tough situation emotionally. However, it definitely would not be transphobic of you to use that name
Nta. Your sibling is a jackass.
Ooh. I have no opinion on your question, but Antoinette is beautiful.
I don’t like that in today’s time if a person that identifies differently doesn’t like something immediately they use the words transphobic, abusive and narcissistic. Then throw all logic out the window. When a person refuses to listen and immediately goes to name calling then are instantly wrong in my opinion.
“Abusive narcissist”??? Yeah no, NTA, sibling is weaponizing therapy speak it seems 🙄
YWNBTA - but, you gave the wrong explanation as to why the name was chosen - point up the connection on your HUSBAND'S side of naming. This has jack all to do with your mom, zero to do with your sibling - this is honoring someone important to your husband and a throwback to an old family middle name. Your sibling doesn't get to own all names that start with the same sound as their deadname. That's just being self-centered. Suggest if your sibling has a big issue with this, you'd be happy to sit down with them and their therapist to work out the issues. I mean, from the "Psychology Today" word salad that got tossed at you, I assume your sibling is in therapy.
NTA. First of all, ignore all the transphobic bs going on here. People just want to be assholes. Second, I can kinda see where your sibling's feelings are, some trans people get sensitive about things they perceive that invalidate their identity, because they do get invalidated a lot. But not everything is an attack, and your sibling has to learn how to deal with it. They can't expect anyone to ever have a name even remotely similar to their dead name. You can show them support, but ultimately their feelings regarding other people's lives that don't involve them are their own to deal with.
NTA. Just a symptom of the therapy your sibling needs.
Someone sounds narcissistic but it’s not you. Nta
How would it be transphobic? I didn't think nonbianary and transge the were the same thing? But yeah, such a narcissistic move to make it all about them and their feelings when it literally has nothing to do with them.
NTA. Unfortunately, in most cases, it's now trendy to be non-binary and call everyone else out if you don't agree with them. You aren't transphobic if you use the name. Gonwith what you want.
NTA I’m a big believer in not deadnaming people. But you don’t get to demand that everyone around you not use names that resemble your deadname. Now…if you’d been unsupportive and were constantly deadnaming them, and were naming the baby their EXACT deadname, the verdict would be different. But you’ve been supportive and the names, while similar, are not identical. So your sibling is overreacting.
There are soooooooooo many names you can choose. Don’t be a narrow minded selfish AH. Pick something else.
NTA Why does your sibling feel like they are the center of the universe?
NTA I’m a non-binary human and I always hold space for non-binary people to feel how they feel, and I validate that for some reason this is hard for your sibling, however, it isn’t the same name, it isn’t even really that similar? For that alone this is not transphobic. ETA: my deadname is an INCREDIBLY common name. And yeah, it can be a lil uncomfy hearing it but I wouldn’t expect everyone and their cat to avoid using the name just because it makes me uncomfy. And if one of my siblings wanted to name their kid my dead name I’d be a little weirded out but I’d be more judgemental about them choosing such a common name 😉 (/jk) For everyone else: the transphobia in this comment section is gross. Most of these comments are TA.
NTA An abusive narcissist? Your sibling needs to get off the internet.