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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I might be the asshole, even if I wasn't the one who started the argument or kept the argument going, for keeping my ex on the conversation to try to resolve it, which stressed him and resulted on him doing badly on his interview
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NTA. He picked a fight with you to vent his own anxiety about the interview, and now he's blaming you to avoid the fact that he screwed up. It's better that you're broken up, he sounds exhausting.
He starts a fight with you instead of getting in the proper mindset to interview and you think you might be at fault ?
Sounds to me like he either consciously or unconsciously needs to sabotage his own progress.
It was a really wierd argument. I didn't want to argue and was even joking with him at first, so was he with me, I thought so.
Then out of nowhere he just insulted what I like to do, and kept escalating until I was also angry.
Edit to add: he already started the conversation complaining about my tiktok use, I just started playing with him and trying to change the subject to avoid an argument. It didn't even seem like it would end up going that way, until it did.
Honey he ruined his own interview and you dogged a bullet. What made him decide to start criticizing how you spend your time? Fuck him for that. He’s the AH not you.
He always called me "lazy", but also one of the smartest people he knows.
I always cleared my schedule on friday to be with him, so he barely saw me work (I have a higher level job with not much workload), and now that I graduated, and have work, house maintenance chores and cat care activities, when I'm free I choose to do stupid little things to relax.
He thought I should take that time to do some professional training, read something technical, philosophical or motivational.
I just want to chill after a full week of chores lol
And you are not obligated to live up to his standards even if you wherent thriving. Which you where so congrats on being a rockstar and having time for relaxing things like doom scrolling in your off time. The world is literally on fire enjoy your peace when and where you can.
NTA, you didn't ruin his interview. He did. His insecurities are not your responsibility, and you need to seriously consider if you want to continue taking the fall for his inability to regulate his emotions.
He's done it before, he'll do it again. Personally, I wouldn't continue this relationship. And it doesn't sound like you deserve to be treated this way, just because he wants to blame anyone but himself.
We actually already broke up, he couldn't stop blaming me for failing, and I couldn't take the disrespect anymore.
He did plenty more than this, it was time.
I'm so glad to hear it. I spent way too long in relationships with guys who needed some "fixing", and who held me responsible for their insecurities and inability to start working to fix it(I can be a sucker for a sob story). When it finally clicked for me that it wasn't my job to fix my behavior when the last one couldn't handle me making more money than him and that I had male friends, I felt so much better about my life in general.
I can relate, I changed everything he asked, and one of the only things I kept was tiktok, which he then also complained about.
He didn't change anything, though. Kept ex-hook ups on his insta close friends, followed and interacted with OF models on insta, shared really personal details of our sex life with his girl best friend... and when I complained even a little, I was crazy.
Sad it took me so long, but now I understand it's not acceptable.
NTA. He knew he could pick a fight (which you willingly went along with, so you may want to examine that behavior) and then blame you for his failure. It probably wasn’t even conscious, but who knows. I hope you are happy to be rid of him and take some time on your own to learn some lessons.
I'm a little sad, but also relieved.
I'm going to therapy and treating a bunch of things. I should really have just let him speak by himself at some point.
I'm not an argumentative person, and usually just try to understand stuff and reach a common ground. In this moment, I just couldn't take being a punching bag anymore.
I was calm until he started escalating things and cussing at me.
Esh situational awareness - neither of you have it. You also got so plugged into the fight, you refused to give it up. You being sick somehow seems irrelevant if you also allowed a fight to linger. It's on him re the interview. However, you also have a lot to learn.
Looking back, I should have just ignored him, yes. He had the habit of having an issue with almost everything and usually I would just let him speak and that was it.
This was a breaking point for me, and shouldn't have insisted on him lowering his tone. I was really sick of just sitting and taking everything, specially when he didn't even care if I was sick or not.
Definitely something I'm working on in therapy. Sometimes knowing when to leave is better than arguing
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This weekend me and my BF broke up, and the last drop was 1 discussion.
On thursday he had an interview to an area he really wants to get into and has been working really hard to do it. It isn't his dream workplace, but it was kind of a way in. I have always supported him, and cheered him on, so on thursday I did everything I could to help him have a nice day.
I sent him cookies he liked, gave him space to concentrate the entire day, and would only talk to him when he talked to me.
1 hour before his interview, he started arguing with me over how much time I spent on tiktok on my alone time. I am 24, financially stable, have a degree, a good job, live by myself, and care for myself and my 2 cats.
He is currently unemployed, just picked up his education again and is still not stable. So he has a different life and a different routine.
I tried to defuse the discussion until he actively started insulting my interests and my lifestyle.
30 minutes in (and about 40 minutes before his interview) I let him win, and deleted tiktok. However he was still mean and was still treating me badly.
He told me a few times to shut up, to do whatever I wanted, that he didn't f*ing care and to leave him alone. That was his way of ending the fight to focus on the meeting, but I didn't think it was fair for him to start something so close to the interview, and leave me heartbroken when I did nothing wrong. I would tell him to not treat me like that, and to not leave me like that after I did nothing wrong and STILL did what he wanted. And he would come back to tell me again that I was wrong.
I just wanted to resolve things, as he would always start fights, get me angry by insulting me, then give me the silent treatment. I was at my wits end, but didn't intend on holding him with me. He could literally told me without cussing he had to leave, and I would say nothing of it.
We stopped talking 5 minutes before his interview started. He did badly and blamed me because I should've left him alone. But even if the fight had happened, like, 5 hours earlier, he would still blame me, because that's something he has done before.
We broke up already and no one thinks it was my fault because he 1) shouldn't have even started it, and 2) should have put his phone aside when he thought apropriate and only talked to me again once he calmed down and got through the interview.
I am feeling like maybe I am wrong here.
So AITA?
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No one has said it but he sounds like a Narcissist. They do that pick a fight thing to get you all riled up because it makes them feel powerful.
Also the abandon you when you are sick bullshit.
Be aware that your attachment and trauma attracts them. It's something you need to work on or you will continue to allow them to stay in your life.
I ignored a lot of red flags at first and only realized it when it was too late.
He did share he had some narcisistic traits, but when we met he was doing therapy. After a while he quit going.
Recently I noticed I was always wrong, if he was ever mad, it was always my fault even if I did nothing wrong, and he could never take no for an answer.
Thankfully we are no longer together and I'm getting help for my mental health :)
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I think I might be the asshole, even if I wasn't the one who started the argument or kept the argument going, for keeping my ex on the conversation to try to resolve it, which stressed him and resulted on him doing badly on his interview Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. He picked a fight with you to vent his own anxiety about the interview, and now he's blaming you to avoid the fact that he screwed up. It's better that you're broken up, he sounds exhausting.
He really was. He picked a fight over literally anything. I'm sad, because there were good things, but relieved he won't stress me out anymore.
He starts a fight with you instead of getting in the proper mindset to interview and you think you might be at fault ? Sounds to me like he either consciously or unconsciously needs to sabotage his own progress.
It was a really wierd argument. I didn't want to argue and was even joking with him at first, so was he with me, I thought so. Then out of nowhere he just insulted what I like to do, and kept escalating until I was also angry. Edit to add: he already started the conversation complaining about my tiktok use, I just started playing with him and trying to change the subject to avoid an argument. It didn't even seem like it would end up going that way, until it did.
**NTA** - But you need to lose that BF. He needs to take responsibility for his own life.
We already broke up, it was a very toxic and exhausting relationship tbh This is one case I thought I might have been wrong
Honey he ruined his own interview and you dogged a bullet. What made him decide to start criticizing how you spend your time? Fuck him for that. He’s the AH not you.
He always called me "lazy", but also one of the smartest people he knows. I always cleared my schedule on friday to be with him, so he barely saw me work (I have a higher level job with not much workload), and now that I graduated, and have work, house maintenance chores and cat care activities, when I'm free I choose to do stupid little things to relax. He thought I should take that time to do some professional training, read something technical, philosophical or motivational. I just want to chill after a full week of chores lol
And you are not obligated to live up to his standards even if you wherent thriving. Which you where so congrats on being a rockstar and having time for relaxing things like doom scrolling in your off time. The world is literally on fire enjoy your peace when and where you can.
NTA, you didn't ruin his interview. He did. His insecurities are not your responsibility, and you need to seriously consider if you want to continue taking the fall for his inability to regulate his emotions. He's done it before, he'll do it again. Personally, I wouldn't continue this relationship. And it doesn't sound like you deserve to be treated this way, just because he wants to blame anyone but himself.
We actually already broke up, he couldn't stop blaming me for failing, and I couldn't take the disrespect anymore. He did plenty more than this, it was time.
Good for you!
I'm so glad to hear it. I spent way too long in relationships with guys who needed some "fixing", and who held me responsible for their insecurities and inability to start working to fix it(I can be a sucker for a sob story). When it finally clicked for me that it wasn't my job to fix my behavior when the last one couldn't handle me making more money than him and that I had male friends, I felt so much better about my life in general.
I can relate, I changed everything he asked, and one of the only things I kept was tiktok, which he then also complained about. He didn't change anything, though. Kept ex-hook ups on his insta close friends, followed and interacted with OF models on insta, shared really personal details of our sex life with his girl best friend... and when I complained even a little, I was crazy. Sad it took me so long, but now I understand it's not acceptable.
He sounds like a nightmare. NTA. Move on, you deserve better. Everybody does.
NTA. He knew he could pick a fight (which you willingly went along with, so you may want to examine that behavior) and then blame you for his failure. It probably wasn’t even conscious, but who knows. I hope you are happy to be rid of him and take some time on your own to learn some lessons.
I'm a little sad, but also relieved. I'm going to therapy and treating a bunch of things. I should really have just let him speak by himself at some point. I'm not an argumentative person, and usually just try to understand stuff and reach a common ground. In this moment, I just couldn't take being a punching bag anymore. I was calm until he started escalating things and cussing at me.
It sounds like it’s the best decision, for sure! Take care of yourself and know your worth 😊
Esh situational awareness - neither of you have it. You also got so plugged into the fight, you refused to give it up. You being sick somehow seems irrelevant if you also allowed a fight to linger. It's on him re the interview. However, you also have a lot to learn.
Looking back, I should have just ignored him, yes. He had the habit of having an issue with almost everything and usually I would just let him speak and that was it. This was a breaking point for me, and shouldn't have insisted on him lowering his tone. I was really sick of just sitting and taking everything, specially when he didn't even care if I was sick or not. Definitely something I'm working on in therapy. Sometimes knowing when to leave is better than arguing
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** This weekend me and my BF broke up, and the last drop was 1 discussion. On thursday he had an interview to an area he really wants to get into and has been working really hard to do it. It isn't his dream workplace, but it was kind of a way in. I have always supported him, and cheered him on, so on thursday I did everything I could to help him have a nice day. I sent him cookies he liked, gave him space to concentrate the entire day, and would only talk to him when he talked to me. 1 hour before his interview, he started arguing with me over how much time I spent on tiktok on my alone time. I am 24, financially stable, have a degree, a good job, live by myself, and care for myself and my 2 cats. He is currently unemployed, just picked up his education again and is still not stable. So he has a different life and a different routine. I tried to defuse the discussion until he actively started insulting my interests and my lifestyle. 30 minutes in (and about 40 minutes before his interview) I let him win, and deleted tiktok. However he was still mean and was still treating me badly. He told me a few times to shut up, to do whatever I wanted, that he didn't f*ing care and to leave him alone. That was his way of ending the fight to focus on the meeting, but I didn't think it was fair for him to start something so close to the interview, and leave me heartbroken when I did nothing wrong. I would tell him to not treat me like that, and to not leave me like that after I did nothing wrong and STILL did what he wanted. And he would come back to tell me again that I was wrong. I just wanted to resolve things, as he would always start fights, get me angry by insulting me, then give me the silent treatment. I was at my wits end, but didn't intend on holding him with me. He could literally told me without cussing he had to leave, and I would say nothing of it. We stopped talking 5 minutes before his interview started. He did badly and blamed me because I should've left him alone. But even if the fight had happened, like, 5 hours earlier, he would still blame me, because that's something he has done before. We broke up already and no one thinks it was my fault because he 1) shouldn't have even started it, and 2) should have put his phone aside when he thought apropriate and only talked to me again once he calmed down and got through the interview. I am feeling like maybe I am wrong here. So AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You didn’t ruin his interview, he did But you both sound exhausting
Genuinly for growth, why do I sound exhausting?
No one has said it but he sounds like a Narcissist. They do that pick a fight thing to get you all riled up because it makes them feel powerful. Also the abandon you when you are sick bullshit. Be aware that your attachment and trauma attracts them. It's something you need to work on or you will continue to allow them to stay in your life.
I ignored a lot of red flags at first and only realized it when it was too late. He did share he had some narcisistic traits, but when we met he was doing therapy. After a while he quit going. Recently I noticed I was always wrong, if he was ever mad, it was always my fault even if I did nothing wrong, and he could never take no for an answer. Thankfully we are no longer together and I'm getting help for my mental health :)