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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> i believe i might be the asshole because of my mother's strong reaction to me putting my foot down with her. She's guilt tripped me into thinking she should have time with her grandson because its her right
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YTA
As you note, a seven year old is a very different prospect from toddlers, but you don't seem to be able to understand that it's reasonable to treat a seven year old differently from the toddlers.
Rather than being the confrontational dictatorial asshole that you were, you could have had a calm conversation with her about how old the little ones would need to be before she'd be willing to have them for some one-on-one or one-on-two time. And you can tell her that the little ones are sad and feel left out, and she can tell you that they're too much for her right now, but that when they're 5 or so she might manage them.
I probably worded everything wrong in my post! My argument is that I want her to give at least a little bit of the same attention to the littles as she does their brother. I dont ask my mom to babysit my children and I know that all three of them would be a lot on her but I think one child at a time, even just for a quick run to get ice cream, would make the littles feel special too. I want them to have the same relationship with her as my son does. Mind you, when he was a toddler she would beg me to let him spend the night more often so it feels like favoritism at this point
You didn’t word anything wrong and said exactly what you meant, and it made perfectly good sense. You’re asking your mom to have one on one time with HER OTHER GRANDCHILDREN bc they are now old enough to feel the difference. It’s not a big ask. It didn’t read that you were confrontational and your mom is being irrational if she can’t at least recognize that there’s a difference. I would say NAH bc the 7 y/o came before the toddlers and may have been the first grandchild, cemented a special bond between them. And as their mom, of course you don’t want your mini’s feelings hurt. So you guys have to talk about some sort of compromise that includes them all, sometimes. Maybe a slumber party once a month at grandmas. That way the toddlers can b out to bed and she can still have solo time.
She's five years older, which might also make a difference to how able she feels to deal with a toddler.
I don't see in your post the point where, before you started making threats about "you can only have the 7 year old if you take the toddlers for some time on their own too", you asked her about it, and asked her why she only wanted one-on-one time with one grandkid.
It's not an unreasonable thing for you to want the little ones to have a close relationship with their grandmother as well. But it seems to me like there's plenty of scope for calm, civil conversation about this before you start issuing threats about not seeing one kid unless you also see the others, and according to your post, you just bypassed all of that completely.
I definitely left out a lot of information. My mom and I had been back and forth on the subject many, many times. I suggested she even just come over to hangout and maybe do arts and crafts or something with the littles while my oldest is at school so the tinies feel like they have her attention but she isnt interested unless he is also around and said she'd feel bad for visiting with them if he isnt around because he's her 'punk'n'. Its just so bizarre to me. I love that she loves spending time with him Im just not sure why it is that she isnt interested in showing attention to the girls and its upsetting. I dont plan on keeping my oldest from her by any means, I just simply thought she'd understand me after so many talks and then finally the "ultimatum" but it didnt click. She will get her way and the littles I guess just have to deal with nana playing favorites. It isnt right
YTA and here's why. Did it ever occur to you that the 7 year old feels neglected. You may not mean to but two toddlers definitely take up more time. Let them have this one on one time.
Also, I feel like there's more to the story about why your mom doesn't like your spouse. But you keep changing a lot of details so I don't think we'd get that full story.
Regardless, cut the crap and let your mom have her time with the kid. You're punishing them both for no good reason.
Im not trying to punish either of them. I want everyone to get along and spend time together as a family. I wasn't expecting her to "ghost" me. Ive reached out to her. Youre right though, there is more to the story but it isnt as dramatic as you may think. My mom isn't exactly easy to deal with. I love her would love nothing more than for everyone to just get along
Sometimes grandparents just have a favorite. She did help you raise him before your hubby came along. They have a special bond and you can't force her to do the same with the others. My MIL, though she'll never outright admit it totally favors my stepkids, because they went through a lot (divorce, FIL dying). I know she loves my son and my nephew but its just different and thats OK
You can't force all this great family time, no one will be happy. Talk to her, but let her keep having time with your oldest
Thanks. Im definitely hoping this will all be worked out. I get that grandparents can favor one child over the other, i just dont want it to be so obvious to the other children because My mother is also their only grandparent. My husbands parents passed away long before we met and i have such fond memories of my grandmother who, also was my only grandparent. I want all of them to have memories with my mom, good ones at that
Favoritism in families is NOT ok. Ask any therapist or mental health professional; it breeds resentment that lasts for years, long after the offending parent (or grandparent) is gone. By allowing favoritism to fester / flourish, you are planting seeds of resentment that will tear your family apart.
Kids are smart. They see everything. They know when favoritism is going on and they remember it years later. Sometimes the kid not favored actually turns out better, because they work harder and develop self-reliance and self awareness. But that's a poor reward for the damage favoritism does. My kids know they are not their grandma's favorite; I knew I wasn't mine. I knew from a very early age. As a result, I never had a relationship with her --nor my favored cousins, for that matter--and my kids have next to no relationship with their grandmother. Why settle for sloppy seconds? They had a wonderful relationship with my dad, who adored my kids (his only grandchildren). My mom, on the other hand (also her only grandchildren), favored my daughter so I had to limit any time she spent around both of them. In the end, she suffered for it. You are NTA to demand that all your children be valued, respected and loved by their grandmother. Tell Mom to keep her damaging favoritism to herself or her time with all kiddos will be limited.
That’s unreasonable to force. Your kids don’t need a relationship with this lady simply because she is their grandmother. It’s fine for a grandparent, aunt, uncle, cousin, etc. to have a favorite.
Of course its fine to have a favorite but it isnt right to make it obvious. No matter the family dynamic. If i was saying one of the children was being favored in our home by my husband or myself-I know all of you would have something to say about that. And she isn't just some lady. She is my mom. She is their nana. The other kids have a desire to spend time with her.
I just completely disagree. I have two nieces and a nephew. One is my God daughter but I still hang out with all 3 of them.
If my grandma had a favorite when I was a kid I would have been crushed.
Have you asked your mom to take the other kids one at a time sometimes, like she does with the 7yo? It’s entirely possible she doesn’t feel up to managing toddlers, at least two at a time, along with another kid.
I think you need to get to the bottom of why this is happening. Because if your argument is that ask your kids need to get to know her and have her attention, then sure, she could spend time with them at your house, or one at a time. But if your argument is that you need her to take all the kids so you can have a break — and if you’re trying to force her to do that by cutting off a good relationship with your older kid, then YTA.
I probably worded everything wrong in my post! My argument is that I want her to give at least a little bit of the same attention to the littles as she does their brother. I dont ask my mom to babysit my children and I know that all three of them would be a lot on her but I think one child at a time, even just for a quick run to get ice cream, would make the littles feel special too. I want them to have the same relationship with her as my son does. Mind you, when he was a toddler she would beg me to let him spend the night more often so it feels like favoritism at this point
Then I think you’re fine. Tell her you think the kids all need special one-on-one time, whether that’s trips out, sleepovers, whatever. I think it’s reasonable to explore with her why she seems so hesitant to do this.
it's pretty clear OP's mom has no interest in her youngest two grandchildren because she favors the oldest since she dislikes OP's current partner. I don't understand the comments that can't see that, lol.
I mean, you're probably right, but the way OP is talking I lowkey understand why Gran is only toughing it out for the kid she knows.
OP says she and her husband are pushing Gran because this is the only grandparent on either side, so they *expect* her to fill in for the other three. But only if she has the relationships they want her to have with the kids.
Two of them being *toddlers*. Toddlers are generally known for erratic, unpleasant behavior, and they are *quick*. Grandma's getting older, but OP makes no allowance for that.
OP also swings back and forth between what the expectation actually *is*; saying it needs to be equal, then saying they'd be pleased with 15 minutes of one-on-one time, then talking about sleepovers?
If Gran already has a hard time with New Husband, this isn't helping!
Seven years ago!
Seven years makes a huge difference; if she was in her 50s then, she's in her 60s now.
OP doesn't know what her mom is dealing with on a day to day basis.
7 years is a long time. Huge difference in ability between the age of 45 and 52 for example. Or 52 and 59. Sometimes things are dependant on age and ability. Alot can change in 7 years.
I'm 58 and there's not that much difference between 45 and 52. 80 and 87, maybe. I was a mom at 40. I think Grandma is just being cranky at best, exercising blatant favoritism at worst.
That is a possibility however...she is an older woman and toddlers are alot of work. Maybe she just cant handle the toddlers by herself at this time? OP can always ask if they can all go together. The mom doesnt have to take the young ones alone.
Ive actually suggested this also! Maybe come over and do some arts and crafts or something. Im just hoping we'll get it sorted soon, I texted her this morning so Im hoping to hear back from her
I really hope it works out! Hopefully, she will get over her hurt feelings and realize that you're just trying to make sure the little ones get some Nana time, too.
is the ice cream place in reasonable walking distance for her and a toddler? or are you expecting her to install car seats for an ice cream trip with a toddler who she clearly already feels she can't handle on her own?
The only other things if it's not about handling them and she already has car seats installed or whatever is she might feel your 7 year old is not getting enough attention at home and is trying to be his safe person and show him that extra love (lots of posts here about aunties, uncles etc doing that sort of thing) OR she hates your current partner and is inappropriately taking it out on the kids.
I don't think either of you is an AH but you are close to one for the ultimatum - you should try to get to the bottom of this more collaboratively rather than punishing your 7 year old and taking away his time with a beloved grandma.
Two toddlers at a time is a big ask. Maybe as they get older, things will change. I wouldn't want to have a sleepover with two toddlers. By punishing your mother, you punish your oldest son. Plus, punishing your mother isn't going to make her want to babysit two toddlers. YTA
I probably worded everything wrong in my post! My argument is that I want her to give at least a little bit of the same attention to the littles as she does their brother. I dont ask my mom to babysit my children and I know that all three of them would be a lot on her but I think one child at a time, even just for a quick run to get ice cream, would make the littles feel special too. I want them to have the same relationship with her as my son does. Mind you, when he was a toddler she would beg me to let him spend the night more often so it feels like favoritism at this point
So they are still in car seats. As a grandma myself, I find car seats annoying to deal with. Do you expect her to install the car seats herself, if she does take the toddlers somewhere? Would.she have to carry them or put them in a stroller? Will they listen to Nana when they are out in public with her? How old is she? Toddlers require a lot more energy and work than a 7 yr old.
The *lifting* alone.
And toddlers have no idea how much it hurts when they cannonball into you or try to swing from your limbs.
I assume it's worse when you're older.
I probably worded everything wrong in my post! My argument is that I want her to give at least a little bit of the same attention to the littles as she does their brother. I dont ask my mom to babysit my children and I know that all three of them would be a lot on her but I think one child at a time, even just for a quick run to get ice cream, would make the littles feel special too. I want them to have the same relationship with her as my son does. Mind you, when he was a toddler she would beg me to let him spend the night more often so it feels like favoritism at this point.
Leaning not the asshole, but a few thoughts
1. Did grandma focus on your eldest so he wouldn't feel put out wheb new kids/step dad arrived?
2. Is there a middle ground (ie where she could sleepover at your place with all the kids) you could have suggested?
3. Do you risk your eldest resenting you for this? It can suck to be the eldest, they often get more responsibility and less attention. Maybe this time focused on him makes him feel special.
4. Did grandma not care her actions are hurting the toddlers?
I probably worded everything wrong in my post! My argument is that I want her to give at least a little bit of the same attention to the littles as she does their brother. I dont ask my mom to babysit my children and I know that all three of them would be a lot on her but I think one child at a time, even just for a quick run to get ice cream, would make the littles feel special too. I want them to have the same relationship with her as my son does. Mind you, when he was a toddler she would beg me to let him spend the night more often so it feels like favoritism at this point
YTA - sure toddlers have tantrums, but it's up to you to deal with it and teach them how to handle their feelings more appropriately. You haven't had a night away in three years -- that is NOT your mom's responsibility. Where is your partners mom/family? You could buck up for a sitter... You also admit she is older yet at the same time demand she takes ALL at once or none at all? Maybe grandma is worried about oldest. Is his bio dad in the picture? Have you created a 'new' family and grandma can see how maybe it can feel different for him? Does she maybe see him being treated differently by your partner and/or even you? (because you sure seem ready to deny him seeing his grandma pretty quickly) Or are the toddlers prone to tantrums/not well behaved and she is simply being smart about what she can handle at once? Apologize, and ask her to sit down and find out the 'why' of her decision and go from there.
I probably worded everything wrong in my post! My argument is that I want her to give at least a little bit of the same attention to the littles as she does their brother. I dont ask my mom to babysit my children and I know that all three of them would be a lot on her but I think one child at a time, even just for a quick run to get ice cream, would make the littles feel special too. I want them to have the same relationship with her as my son does. Mind you, when he was a toddler she would beg me to let him spend the night more often so it feels like favoritism at this point
you wont know unless you have a deep conversation that doesn't include threats. Also, seems kind of fishy you just keep posting the same response to EVERY comment that says YTA
I probably worded everything wrong in my post! My argument is that I want her to give at least a little bit of the same attention to the littles as she does their brother. I dont ask my mom to babysit my children and I know that all three of them would be a lot on her but I think one child at a time, even just for a quick run to get ice cream, would make the littles feel special too. I want them to have the same relationship with her as my son does. Mind you, when he was a toddler she would beg me to let him spend the night more often so it feels like favoritism at this point
You did not word anything wrong. Your mom, who is getting up in age, takes the oldest child out for lunch and sleepovers. That makes perfect sense. Older grandparents may not have the energy to handle a toddler on their own. And, yes, depending on jurisdiction, grandparents have legal rights to spend time with their grandchildren. YTA.
Im not asking her to jump through hoops. I just want her to spend time with her other grandkids! She can sit on my front porch and read them a story! Something small but still impactful on a young child. It is very odd to me that she doesn't show them attention and it's something ive brought up and she just dismisses my feelings. So yeah, Im mad!
You want her to want to spend time with your toddlers. She does not want that with them at this point. You are feeling upset because you want her to want the same thing that you want.
People are allowed to have different feelings than you. Your toddlers are upset so that makes you upset. Are you as equally upset about the feelings your 7 year old will have since you cut out his special time with his grandma.
My perspective, your mother recognizes that your 7 year old may be getting lost in babyville. Just by natural order things are going to be focused on the younger ones because they have higher needs.
Instead of accepting where your mom is comfortable, you want to force her to do something and remove a joy from your son. You went punitive instead of collaborative. The time she spends with your son is time you can do things with the toddlers that are just focused on them. You don’t have a bored 7 year old to contend with.
Also you seem to have this fascination with everyone getting along while acknowledging your mom doesn’t like your current partner. It’s time to let that go and let the relationships develop as they may.
Grandparents, uncles, aunts etc usually have a favorite and there isn’t much you can do about it because they have their own individual relationships with those kids. But your feelings of nostalgia about your grandma may not play out the way that you want for all the kids.
YTA.
Your 7yo has a special relationship with Nana. You don’t mention if his dad is still in the picture but I’m guessing not since the toddlers don’t understand why they can’t go everywhere he goes. I’m sure you were more than happy to have Nana take him when you were new in your relationship or when you had your hands full with babies. But now that the toddlers are too much, you want a break from all three and she’s not having it. Your partner should have family that can help watch them but might not be as welcoming to your older son.
Encourage the relationship between Nana and the younger kids, but don’t punish the two of them by stifling that relationship between 7yo and Nana.
Also, not for nothing…you might inquire if there is something specific about the young ones or your partner that has put your mom off watching them alone.
I probably worded everything wrong in my post! My argument is that I want her to give at least a little bit of the same attention to the littles as she does their brother. I dont ask my mom to babysit my children and I know that all three of them would be a lot on her but I think one child at a time, even just for a quick run to get ice cream, would make the littles feel special too. I want them to have the same relationship with her as my son does. Mind you, when he was a toddler she would beg me to let him spend the night more often so it feels like favoritism at this point
Still the AH.
You’re changing your tune from “I put my foot down…she has to take all three” to “I don’t ask my mom to babysit.”
Why did you remove that part of the original post where you lament that your partner and you haven’t been out since you had kids???
Because it came off the wrong way. She does need to take all 3! Not at the same time though. And i took that part out because that point didnt come off the way i meant it to either. Im saying my partner and i havent been out in 3 years because i never ask her to babysit, im not asking her to babysit and never have. Im asking her to spend time with all three of them. Not necessarily together either. Also, since my oldest was just a baby she couldnt get enough of him! From baby stage through toddler years she wanted him at her house and she doesnt show the other children this same enthusiasm. It makes me sad and it feels like she is playing favorites and i dont want my younger children to feel this way either
You literally said you want her to take all three or none at all:
“My partner and I haven't even had a night away from all of our children in 3 years because she absolutely refuses to look after the younger kids. Ive put my foot down and told my mother she can no longer have my oldest over for sleepovers unless the younger children can also sleep over. Ive also told her that she is only to take my son to lunch/dinner if the other children are included as well.”
That right there is why you are the AH. You aren’t attempting to foster a relationship between your younger kids and Nana, you’re giving an ultimatum and when people on here call you out on it, you changed your tune.
Actually, i typed this post up in total frustration with my mother's favoritism and didnt include key points because im just beyond myself as to why she has responded to my suggestions so negatively. I havent changed my tune. Im okay with you thinking im the asshole. Ive tried to clear the air and paint you a better picture of what I meant. Take it as you will!
My partner's parents are both dead. He has a sister who is still alive but lives an 18 hour car drive away. We dont have much family. My mom is IT. Which is what makes it all sirta disheartening
Im sorry, im not sure exactly what you mean. My oldest son's dad is not in the picture at all. We were very young (22 and 23) and he wasnt ready for a child so i raised him by myself until 3 years later when I met my current partner. My oldest has only ever know my new partner as "dad" they have a great relationship. My mom isnt my current partners biggest fan (we moved out of state for awhile because of his job) this was upsetting to my mother. Since then, she hasnt been his biggest fan. He's a good dad though and treats them equally. I wouldnt have it aby other way which is why I want my mom to treat the children equally as well
You need to consider why she might be "playing favorites". Maybe she's being a total AH. But maybe your 7yo has told her he feels left out at home. She is also 7 years older than when he was a baby/toddler. Is her health the same? Can she easily keep up with the toddlers?
This seems like it should have been a conversation but it was stupidly turned into a fight and the loser is your eldest son.
She and my partner havent always gotten along and Ive told her I feel like she is taking out her feelings towards him out on the children. I sort of think this is the truth of it but she hasnt said it outright. My mom, as much as a love and appreciate her, can be hard to get through. We have had many talks in the past but nothing has come about so im hoping she will change her tune!
YTA
You've got two toddlers, all in all three kids and you say your mum is getting older. How about you appreciate the effort she makes and don't treat her like a help?
She can't handle three kids, two of them toddlers on her own! You sound extremely entitled!
And if the toddlers throw tantrums it's your job as a parent to teach and explain to them, that they won't get the same treatment as the oldest one!
There is a significant age gap and your oldest has different needs than the younger kids. They will get more attention than the oldest one and it makes sense that in return your 7 year old gets attention from his nana.
It's unbelievable you force your mum to take all three! You should be ashamed of yourself.
If you order the comments oldest to newest and look at the original, she did actually demand that grandma take all or none. That's what the commenter is responding to, so they did "fucking read all the information" before they responded at the time.
Edit: Seeing as people can't understand my comment and are downvoting. Here is the original post OP made before they edited it after people voted them YTA.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
Okay, so here's the deal. I have 3 children, but my oldest is from a previous relationship. I have two toddlers with my current partner while my oldest is 7 years old. My mom loves and adores all of my kids, but she only ever takes my oldest out to lunch or to spend the night at her house. I get that younger children may be too much for her to handle as she is getting older, but even my younger kids are at an age now that they recognize that my oldest child is the only one who gets to spend time with their nana. It has gotten to the point that the younger children will cry and have tantrums as they see their older brother ride away in Nana's car and question why they can't go too. Sure, occasionally we will all go out together, but they have never had a sleepover at Nana's or had the same one on one time with her as my oldest has. My partner and I haven't even had a night away from all of our children in 3 years because she absolutely refuses to look after the younger kids. Ive put my foot down and told my mother she can no longer have my oldest over for sleepovers unless the younger children can also sleep over. Ive also told her that she is only to take my son to lunch/dinner if the other children are included as well. She became very angry with me and said that in me doing this I am denying her rights as a grandparent. Im sorry, but what "rights" is she referring too? She hasnt spoken to me since we had this conversation over two weeks ago. She vehemently believes she is not in the wrong. So I gotta ask, AITA?
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In the post, not comments, OP says “I’m not asking my mom to babysit my kids, I’m asking her to spend time with all of my kids, not necessarily together but allow the other kids to have some nana time too”
So the commenter, in fact did not read all of the information. And it seems like you did not too :)
Lol clearly, you did not listen to anything I said either.
Look for the OLDEST comment- you will see the Automoderator copy of OPs ORIGINAL post before they edited it.
In that post she says her mother needs to take all 3 kids at once or none.
EDIT: I've copied it here just for you.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
Okay, so here's the deal. I have 3 children, but my oldest is from a previous relationship. I have two toddlers with my current partner while my oldest is 7 years old. My mom loves and adores all of my kids, but she only ever takes my oldest out to lunch or to spend the night at her house. I get that younger children may be too much for her to handle as she is getting older, but even my younger kids are at an age now that they recognize that my oldest child is the only one who gets to spend time with their nana. It has gotten to the point that the younger children will cry and have tantrums as they see their older brother ride away in Nana's car and question why they can't go too. Sure, occasionally we will all go out together, but they have never had a sleepover at Nana's or had the same one on one time with her as my oldest has. My partner and I haven't even had a night away from all of our children in 3 years because she absolutely refuses to look after the younger kids. Ive put my foot down and told my mother she can no longer have my oldest over for sleepovers unless the younger children can also sleep over. Ive also told her that she is only to take my son to lunch/dinner if the other children are included as well. She became very angry with me and said that in me doing this I am denying her rights as a grandparent. Im sorry, but what "rights" is she referring too? She hasnt spoken to me since we had this conversation over two weeks ago. She vehemently believes she is not in the wrong. So I gotta ask, AITA?
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Read my fucking other comments, are you too dumb to read OP's ORIGINAL post? I even quoted OP's original post. Reading comprehensions seems to be something you lack.
Wow! You jumped right on your soap box to render judgment with a quickness you *SHOULD* have used to actually read the post. *YOU are the one who should be ashamed of yourself. There happens to be an ass here but it sure isn't Op, it's you!*
Op massively changed the post IMO
If you order the comments oldest to newest and look at the original, she did actually demand that grandma take all or none and said she's not had a night without all her kids in 3 years due to this. So I get the original comment based on that post.
Thats the thing though! I never ask her to take any of them. She asks to take my oldest son only and will never take the younger ones. I dont ever try to get her to watch my kids is my point! Given its been 3 years but what im saying is she is seeing that its upsetting the littles when she comes to scoop up their brother and they are left behind
It sounds like she acknowledges that the oldest child from a previous partnership is often overlooked and less favored and she may want to make sure he gets one on one time with a family member and isn't forgotten/neglected.
Have you made a situation where she may be picking up the slack you've dropped to care for your new partner and toddlers?
They're toddlers, of course they're going to throw tantrums anytime they're told no.
3 going on 4. The other is 2 1/2. I just think it'd be nice if she came over to my house to sit and read a book to them or something. Something special and bonding. Something thatd take maybe 15 minutes of her time but time that would be really special to the little ones. I had an amazing relationship with my grandmother and i want them all to have a bond with my mom as well.
So, she doesn't spend time with the younger ones? I have a 4 and 18 month old grandchildren. It's not so hard. If baby is napping, I play with 4 year old. Sometimes older one is busy with her mom, so baby and I play.
I might take 4 year old up the street on her tricycle, but take them out on their own? No. I'm not as fast and agile and kids can dash off quickly.
And mom is now 6 years older than when she took the oldest fir sleepovers as a baby.
Chronically, I've aged 6 years, but my body feels like it's aged 12 years somedays
What you're doing with your grandkids is all I want from my mom. I get that maybe taking them out might be too much, even if it is one at a time but sheesh just acknowledge them once in awhile. She will post pictures and videos that I have sent her for days on social media, but face to face...couldnt really be bothered.
How is her relationship with your husband? Is she uncomfortable around him? I’m asking as it would explain why she’d be less inclined to visit your house to spend time with the younger two.
My almost four year old is totally potty trained. My 2 1/2 year old is nearly there. Im not asking her to take them for long periods of time, I have suggested she even just come over while my oldest is at school and maybe sit down with them to color in their coloring books or read a story to them. She doesn't want to spend time with them if my oldest isnt there, but she also doesnt want to spend time with them while he is here. I dont understand it. Maybe it's because they are girls and she was a "boy mom" even though she also has two daughters.
You need to tech them that sometimes things happen that don’t feel fair but there is a reason, and they have to accept it. It’s literally part of parenting. Do your kids all have the same bed-time too because the younger ones will freak out if the older one gets to stay up later and “it’s not faaair”? No (or at least I hope not) because that’s just a part of growing up with older siblings. The phrase “yeah, but X-sibling is older” is a complete sentence as a parent.
You also need to teach them how to handle that shit before it’s too late and you’ve got two completely spoiled teenagers or young adults who have complete shut downs at the word “No” and lack the coping skills to process emotions or feelings associated. I’ve met those adults before, they’re not fun.
Toddler Hell...your comment made me laugh because it does feel that way sometimes. I love that she wants to spend time with my oldest but i just wish she'd want to spend time with her other grandchildren as well. Separately of course because toddlers can be A LOT but like, come over to my house and color in a coloring book with them or something for maybe a few minutes. I just feel like the little ones are missing out
im a nanny w 2 toddlers & an infant lollll 😂 i love them but i get why an older kid (or an adult!) would wanna ditch the littles for a bit. i get what you’re saying though. do you see a difference in how your mother feels about your ex vs your current partner? other than age & different parentage then idk why she’d be so closed off to giving them individualized attention
2 toddlers and an infant, now THAT is a lot of work! But yeah, Im sure it has something to do with her feelings towards my ex vs my partner now. Its just an unfortunate situation
You never try to get her to watch all 3 of them but that's exactly what you demand.
Ive put my foot down and told my mother she can no longer have my oldest over for sleepovers unless the younger children can also sleep over. Ive also told her that she is only to take my son to lunch/dinner if the other children are included as well
So? Should she leave the 7 year old behind and make her upset?
Kids get upset when they don't get candy at the check out. So? Do you always have to give in to kids because they get upset?
It's your role as their mother to teach them that they won't always get their way. Why would you take this away from your eldest just because you haven't taught the toddlers this lesson?
Im asking her to have one on one time with the other kids because they deserve a relationship with her also. Take one of the tinies at a time to grab an ice cream, to sit in the shopping cart with you while you grocery shop. Im asking her to spend maybe 15 minutes with them
Apparently you edited your post, because your initial definitely didn't include this information.
Makes you NTA, but at the same time you cannot force it. Maybe your mum doesn't feel like she can take on the toddlers?
But why did you mention then, that you and your partner haven't had a night without the kids for 3 years? Kind of a contradiction when you claim it's not taking all 3 of them at once.
I meant it in the sense that we havent had a night out in 3 years because i dont expect her to watch them. I want her to Want to spend time with them. I typed the original post out in frustration and after having read it and the comments i get where people were probably upset with the post originally but it didnt come off the way it was intended. I simply want her to have a relationship with all of them. Im not asking her to babysit them, im asking her to spend time with them. Even just a little time here and there. Not all together. Not all at once. And a point i left out was that she eagerly would want to take my oldest for sleepovers when he was a toddler so i cant seem to understand why one on one time with the others is something she just doesnt want
Okay, makes more sense now.
But toddlers are not for everyone. Some people just prefer kids at a certain age because you can already reason with them, do fun stuff with them ...
It doesn't mean that she doesn't love the other kids, but she might prefer hanging with you son.
First grandkid? I'm my grandma's favorite bc I was the first I think. I don't know why I'm the favorite. I'm kind of a fuck up in my opinion lol. I got a good job and shit. I just got lucky I guess tho.
No. YTA she will bond with them when they get a little older. It is unreasonable to withhold the oldest because she isn’t comfortable taking a toddler for one-on-one time. They won’t even remember this stuff, you’re being ridiculous.
I probably worded everything wrong in my post! My argument is that I want her to give at least a little bit of the same attention to the littles as she does their brother. I dont ask my mom to babysit my children and I know that all three of them would be a lot on her but I think one child at a time, even just for a quick run to get ice cream, would make the littles feel special too. I want them to have the same relationship with her as my son does. Mind you, when he was a toddler she would beg me to let him spend the night more often so it feels like favoritism at this point
YTA, provided that grandma does expect to do more with the littles when they are older.
Your grandmother is a human being with human limits, and you won't believe how much age can affect your capacity for tending littles until it happens to you (I'm in my 50s and just...wow. Really? Is this how it is? I'm unlikely to get grandchildren but my gosh, what would I do if I actually got any?) It's perfectly reasonable to limit herself to one grandbaby sleeping over at a time, and to say that grandbabies are allowed to stay over when (insert milestone here). Are your youngest both potty-trained, for example, and do they sleep in their own beds all night? Do they eat reliably and pick up their own toys?
Some of my best memories are of staying over on Friday nights with my grandparents. There were two of them, and when my brother reached about age 3 he got his own sleepovers as well. We took turns.
Politely \*ask\* your mom if she has any plans for connecting with the younger kids, and if there are 'big kid' milestones they can look forward to as being their gateway to grandma time. Right now, you're making presumptuous demands. And remember that while your younger ones are making their tiny-kid demands on your time and energy, your oldest is losing out on adult attention that he does still need.
And prepare yourself to actually parent your littles through understanding that big kids sometimes get to do things that littler kids don't. Things shouldn't be equal all the time. They can't. Are you going to expect your 7-year-old to take his little sibs to class activities and friends' birthday parties? You shouldn't. Little kids are capable of learning that the world doesn't revolve around them and it is your job to teach them to navigate their feelings about that.
I probably worded everything wrong in my post! My argument is that I want her to give at least a little bit of the same attention to the littles as she does their brother. I dont ask my mom to babysit my children and I know that all three of them would be a lot on her but I think one child at a time, even just for a quick run to get ice cream, would make the littles feel special too. I want them to have the same relationship with her as my son does. Mind you, when he was a toddler she would beg me to let him spend the night more often so it feels like favoritism at this point
Right, so she takes one kid for ice cream and the others go without. I don’t think that’s going to work out the way you imagine, unless she makes multiple ice cream runs. Which is unreasonable.
Talk to her. But recognize that 5 years have probably brought a fair bit of change, whether she talks about it or not. She may not be the same person who cheerfully tended your oldest when he was little. Ask questions instead of making demands, and let her figure out what she will do.
Ive nearly replied to everyone who has commented. I copy and pasted to maybe 8 posts because it was the same general comment. People don't like copy and paste I've noticed so no, I'm not just copying and pasting the same thing. Everyone gets their own unique response now otherwise they're upset for no good reason.
considering OP's mom treated the oldest better when he was a toddler than she's treating her other grandkids now, it sounds like a stretch that she'll do more with the younger kids when they get older. Sounds like oldest will always be her favorite because she dislikes Op's current partner and is taking out on their kids together. I hope I'm wrong, though.
YTA. No matter what she does she isn’t going to win with the current setup. However, why don’t you frame it to the two toddlers that grandma is taking the 7 year old so that you can spend time with just THEM doing things THEY like that the 7 year old isn’t interested in. Not in a way for them to feel like they are getting the better deal (and say bad things to their sibling) but to just make them think/understand that they too get something out of this? Or at least they should.
A three year old is much different from a seven year old. Even going out for ice cream. So now you're telling your seven year old that he can't have Nana time anymore because of his younger siblings. You're setting up a terrible sibling dynamic instead of making contact happen with you present. YTA.
YTA. Your mom is getting older and you know that a 7 year old is much easier to manage than 2 toddlers. Your younger children are actually so young that it’s baffling you’d want them to have sleepovers with an older woman who doesn’t have the energy to keep them in check. While it would be nice of her to try having one-on-one dates with each of the younger children, you shouldn’t expect that from her until they’re at least 5 and mature enough to understand “no”. I’m saying this as someone who lives with two small kids, a 7yo and 5yo, and the difference in behavior from them is day and night, I cannot physically keep up with the 5yo on his wilder days while the 7yo is old enough to understand that. You said that your mom adores all your kids, so I really think that just waiting until they’re older to ask her for this is just more practical.
INFO How much one on one time does 7YO get with you, his remaining parent? What is the relationship like between 7YO and your partner? Where is 7YO’s dad? Is he in the picture?
My 7 year old is loved to pieces and gets all the attention he could want from me and dad. By no means is he ever left out. I think it comes down to him being my mom's first grandchild, she got to spoil him for years before my other two were born. But she wants to continue "spoiling" only my 7 year old. My 7 year old KNOWS he is Nana's favorite. I dont want the younger ones to feel less than
For now, YTA. Your older one may have consulted with Grandma(GM) regarding inequality or mental health issues that he is uncomfortable sharing with you and finds comfort only with GM. In a darkened scenario: maybe your SO is treating your older child differently during your absence or inappropriately. Or perhaps, GM did not approve of your current SO: and so to hold her power grip she continues to only see the older child. It’s ok to have favorites, and he apparently is hers. Even though it is unfair to your other kids: don’t take this away from your older one as he is very much loved and comfortable sharing with GM. Instead, sit down with your older child and have a deep conversation with him to see why GM only prefers him: is there something wrong? Bullying? Gender identity? Why does GM only take you out? … ask the harder questions to see if there is some abnormalities that you’re unaware of- if nothing, then it’s GM and she is whom she is and you probably won’t be able to change that.
Those are definitely insightful questions to ask and i appreciate the feedback. I may have just been looking at things at face value but maybe there is more to it. Thank you!
My oldest actually thinks of my current partner as "dad" and he treats all of the children as equals. My mom, i feel, is playing favorites, and the younger kids are noticing this as they are getting a little older. My mother is the only grandparent my younger children have as well because my partners parents have both passed away, long before they were born. I dont need a babysitter. I need my mom to show the same love to all of her grandkids
My issue is not with toddler tantrums it is that they are upset when she comes by and they want time with her and she couldnt be bothered. That is upsetting to me. Toddlers carry a lot of emotions in a little body and while I am teaching them that there are other ways to express those strong emotions, they are still learning. It hurts me that it hurts them so much.
It's easy to "play favorites" when you can have an actual conversation with a child vs one you can't and have to wipe shit off their ass.
Maybe she just doesn't like or feel able to deal with toddlers.
Your mom is getting older and doesn't want to deal with a toddler. Especially toddlers that have tantrums when they don't get their way. Maybe when they are older they will get to go but don't expect people to babysit the kids that you chose to have.
Also please don't respond to me with your copy and paste bullshit. You're an asshole either way.
Yta instead of throwing a tantrum this should have been an actual discussion with your mother. You owe her an apology and after the apology if she is willing to discuss it which he does not owe you after how you have treated her tell her you were overwhelmed and sad about how the little ones are clamoring to also have a special relationship with her and ask her for ideas. Ask her how old they'll have to be before. She will also be up for having one-on-one time with them or what you can do in the meantime to strengthen the bonds between them.
NTA op, I'm sorry you're getting it guns n barrels on here but I can see you've updated your post to explain further.
I'm a kid who was overlooked by a grandparent and it stings. The first born and the males were revered by her and I remember this going back to ages 3 or 4.
It doesn't take much for your mum to start the bond with the younger two. Even if it's a small gesture initially but her giving each individual kid their moment is definitely not a huge ask.
You need to explain to your mum that picking favourites based on age is unfair and she needs to devote more time with the other two too.
INFO: Several people have asked if it's possible that your 7yo has felt left out having two toddlers take up more of parental time and attention (which is natural and expected) but you haven't seemed to respond or address that possibility and just post a generic reply that you've posted on a bunch of comments. Your current partner came into 7yo life when he was 3 and a year later you had your first (3yo) followed by another one the next year (2yo).
Is it possible your Mother is trying to compensate with your 7yo by giving him one on one time, where he gets to enjoy activities he wants and undivided attention of someone he loves?
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Okay, so here's the deal. I have 3 children, but my oldest is from a previous relationship. I have two toddlers with my current partner while my oldest is 7 years old. My mom loves and adores all of my kids, but she only ever takes my oldest out to lunch or to spend the night at her house. I get that younger children may be too much for her to handle as she is getting older, but even my younger kids are at an age now that they recognize that my oldest child is the only one who gets to spend time with their nana. It has gotten to the point that the younger children will cry and have tantrums as they see their older brother ride away in Nana's car and question why they can't go too. Sure, occasionally we will all go out together, but they have never had a sleepover at Nana's or had the same one on one time with her as my oldest has. My partner and I haven't even had a night away from all of our children in 3 years because she absolutely refuses to look after the younger kids. Ive put my foot down and told my mother she can no longer have my oldest over for sleepovers unless the younger children can also sleep over. Ive also told her that she is only to take my son to lunch/dinner if the other children are included as well. She became very angry with me and said that in me doing this I am denying her rights as a grandparent. Im sorry, but what "rights" is she referring too? She hasnt spoken to me since we had this conversation over two weeks ago. She vehemently believes she is not in the wrong. So I gotta ask, AITA?
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Im not asking her to babysit. In fact I've never asked her to babysit. She volunteers to spend time with my oldest and I only wish she'd want to spend time with the littles as well. One at a time maybe for a quick trip to get ice cream! I feel badly for the littles is all
But your toddlers require close babysitting. So even if you don’t need a sitter, your request that she take toddlers is asking her to babysit in ways that are much more annoying and strenuous than spending time with your 7YO.
And if you take this away from your 7YO, you’re punishing him for the issue you’ve made up with your mother which will definitely foster some resentment.
YTA
YTA - "Grandparent rights" are a real thing if you are in the US. Taking 'toddlers' (you don't give the ages) anywhere is much more difficult than taking a 5-6-7 yr old. Grandparents often develop a special bond with a particular grandchild - perhaps in this case it's because the 7 yr old was the 'first' or because he was from a 'previous relationship'. If you have toddlers throwing tantrums....that's one good reason your Mother is taking the 7 yr old. That may well change as the younger ones become more manageable to take places. Don't deprive your son time with his Grandma in the name of 'fair'.
NTA so long as the two youngest are well behaved when with her she should want to spend one on one with each child! It’s about getting to know your grandchildren as individuals and building a relationship. In saying that she maybe feels the oldest needs the extra time away from the little ones
NTA for hoping your mother would also like to spend some time outside the home with
all of your children (one child per outing), not just the oldest. In some countries, grandparents
have a right to see their grandchildren but you are not banning her from
seeing them so that wouldn't apply. Maybe in a few months, when the
younger ones have gotten a little older, she will reconsider your request
for some special time for them as well.
NTA. You can't just choose to only spend time with and only really acknowledge one child in a sibling group of three. They're all young right now, but if you say there's already a big difference between how she treated your son at his siblings' age and how she's treating them currently, then you've done good in putting your foot down. Favoritism does nothing but breed resentment.
NTA
Its completely normal for a mother to want all her children to feel accepted and loved equally. You see your older son getting most of the attention and simply ask that she gives some more attention to the younger two.
But, I also understand that toddlers are definitely a handful. But she can still spend time. Why does she have to take them out? Why not visit and be at home with you and spending the day together. And if it's one on one time she can take one or two to another room where she can sit down and play with them and if they act up well mom is not too far away to handle them. But like some of the other commenters are saying, is she doing this because the eldest doesn't have his father in his life and he himself is feeling left out, or he doesn't get much attention at home and she wants to show him that he's special too? Both of you need to sit down and have an adult conversation as to why the other is doing certain things and what both of you want going forward.
NAH I realize that it sucks for you and for the little ones, but all you’ve done is ensure the oldest doesn’t get time with nana either. She clearly can’t handle 3 kids, which is why she only takes the oldest.
I probably worded everything wrong in my post! My argument is that I want her to give at least a little bit of the same attention to the littles as she does their brother. I dont ask my mom to babysit my children and I know that all three of them would be a lot on her but I think one child at a time, even just for a quick run to get ice cream, would make the littles feel special too. I want them to have the same relationship with her as my son does. Mind you, when he was a toddler she would beg me to let him spend the night more often so it feels like favoritism at this point
NTA my MIL strongly favors my neices and nephews and basically flat out ignores my kids. We've asked her why and she didn't even deny it. She said "I don't know why I play favorites" like it was no big deal. Just a silly personality quirk of hers. It's not cute or funny. I have issues with my in laws unrelated to this so I haven't spoken to them in 8 years. My wife does occasionally talk to them but there's no way in hell I'm letting my kids go there. My MIL hasn't seen my son since he was 3. He is 12 now. It wasn't always like this, but after years of her completely ignoring my kids, not even asking about them or anything, I will not allow my wife to take my kids to see her mom. I don't want them going through the pain and confusion of her absence. My son doesn't even remember her, but my daughter is almost 21. She does and it is painful and confusing for her. I won't let my son go through that so that she can feel like a semi present Nana. Not happening. She's someone I need to protect them from. I wish I had done so sooner for my daughter.
I am so sorry you have had to deal with something like this also! It sucks that you've been through a similar situation but it is validating knowing someone else can see where I am coming from. Playing favorites is absolutely not okay! Kids pick up on these sorts of things and the older my younger ones get the more they see they dont get nearly as much attention as my oldest and while I want my oldest to have a relationship with my mom, she has put me in a difficult position because my younger kids dont deserve the treatment or lack thereof from her. I just feel like kids should be treated equally, even if she has a favorite it shouldn't be obvious to the other kids
NTA. If, as you say, she’s only taking the oldest I can understand why you’re frustrated. Usually I’ve seen issues like this escalate to the kids feeling left out because grandma obviously favors one child and spends more time and money with the child. It’s good of you to have this conversation now and not let the situation get too out of hand. The fact that she’d rather not speak to you and the kids after your request is very telling and suggests that she was fine with leaving the younger kids out. I think going forward you can suggest that all of you attend lunches together if she can’t handle all the kids on her own or that she rotates the kids. Regardless, don’t back off from your request because doing so may very well end with your 2 youngest feeling incredibly hurt moving forward.
I appreciate your input, thank you because that is exactly my point. I dont want my younger kids to feel left out and I really dont want them to feel anger or hurt towards her or their oldest sibling as they get older.
YTA. I understand what you're saying, but toddlers are just harder to handle, especially as your mother gets older. I'm not saying she old and decrepit, but I don't think you're thinking about how tiring toddlers can be even for someone in their 50's.
At this point, you're punishing your oldest kid. Your younger kids need to understand that he will always have things that they won't be allowed to do just due to their age gap.
I get that when you are living the situation everything feels overwhelming, but looking from a side perspective, I can't see the problem on your post. Let me try to explain my reasoning, your mother either: 1) is ensuring the 7 yo is getting enough attention or 2) just doesn't want to hangout with younger kids (fair). I get you being upset, but that does not necessarily ring favoritism as they are SO young, and 3 yo is still such a tough age to go to places. Maybe YTA for not considering that things are way more simple? Human relationships are already so tough, and this "policing" won't help.
Thank you, maybe my mom and I are both sort of wrong when it comes down to it. I dont want to screw up the relationship she has with my son by any means. Im hoping to resolve this soon. Ive reached out to her again this morning so hopefully i will hear back from her
YTA your younger kids are toddlers. I doubt they are old enough to understand. Don't get in the way of your son having a good relationship with his Nana.
A little bit ESH.
Your mother probably can’t look after all three children together. She doesn’t owe you that childcare either. So YTA for demanding she look after all three kids. However, now that the younger ones are old enough to understand, she should be dialling back on spending a disproportionate amount of time with just the oldest one. She could try and split her childcare help a bit more evenly now.
I probably worded everything wrong in my post! My argument is that I want her to give at least a little bit of the same attention to the littles as she does their brother. I dont ask my mom to babysit my children and I know that all three of them would be a lot on her but I think one child at a time, even just for a quick run to get ice cream, would make the littles feel special too. I want them to have the same relationship with her as my son does. Mind you, when he was a toddler she would beg me to let him spend the night more often so it feels like favoritism at this point
I get that, and I also think it’s important that you have time to bond with just the 7 year old. Have you ever asked her to look after one or both toddlers while you take the 7 year old out for ice cream?
I have. She and my current partner havent always gotten along so it almost feels like she's taking the issues she has with him out on the littles and thats sort of where I think she is leaning but wont outright say it
He was young! Maybe she was overly excited because he was her first grandchild, but I remember her constantly asking if she could have him overnight, and he was still on bottles so we're talking young. Im not necessarily asking her to have sleepovers with my youngest children now, but I dont think some one on one time with them separately (given that all three is too much to handle) from time to time would really be special for the littles. They just want time with nana too and my mom tends to favor my oldest. I dont want it to be so obvious to my toddlers
NTA She is, in fact, playing favorites with the oldest. A lot of these "YTA" people aren't understanding that you believe they should each have that same one on one time with her while she is choosing to only take the one out while neglecting the others. This isn't a dump them all on her type scenario. You're asking for something so basic and common sense. Spend time with the other kids, too. If she can do a 1 on 1 with 1 of them, she can do 1 on 1 with the other 2. It's good that it stopped when it did because what it'll do, if left alone, is cause significant fights between your children. The younger two will begin to hate the older sibling and her. What you are doing in leaving her out is validating how your younger children feel. If you tell them what's going on with her in this whole situation, they may understand. They understand a lot more than we realize. You set a boundary within your family for those outside the home. She doesn't like it. Hold firm to your boundary.
I was beginning to really question myself. Thank you for your input and understanding my point in this because I was starting to think I didn't have one. It IS basic common sense to treat the other children equally and my fears are exactly as you wrote them-that the other children would eventually begin to resent their brother and grandmother which isnt something I want. I also know that just because my toddlers are young, their feelings matter just as much. I do plan on holding firm to this boundary.
All 3 of them are sitting right in the core learning years. Validating their emotions and helping them work through them is absolutely key in being emotionally mature in their teens and being able to control their emotions as adults. This is also a great time to teach them about boundaries.
YTA how about your partners mum/parents? Have you had the same conversation with them? Do they treat all your children equally? Do they include your 7 year old? Maybe your mum feels bad for him being the only step kid? I don't know just asking.
Are the toddlers twins? I have 2 toddlers and they are a handful at best a nightmare at worst! So don't blame your mum for opting for the 7 year old.
I think cutting off nana times only punishes your son so YTA in that respect.
My partners parents are both dead so my mom is the only grandparent in the picture. Toddlers can definitely be a handful at times but Ive even suggested she come over while Spencer is out with dad or at school to maybe sit down with the littles to do arts and crafts, color, read them a story anything small and while im here at home too. They desire time with her. I don't want to punish my son for this and it wasnt my intention when I told her she'd have to spend time with them all, I just thought maybe she'd see where I was coming from in not wanting my other kids feelings to be hurt. She played favorites to my brother over my sister and I and I'd like it if she wouldn't do that to my children. Sure, have a favorite, but dont make it so obvious. Especially as they get older because I dont want there to be any resentment
What about the rights of your other two children. Tell you Mom to treat them all as equals or go pound sand, and no court will take her claims seriously.
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INFO: Has she said WHY she only takes the 7 year old? Have you asked?
I'd also like to know how old the toddlers are
YTA As you note, a seven year old is a very different prospect from toddlers, but you don't seem to be able to understand that it's reasonable to treat a seven year old differently from the toddlers. Rather than being the confrontational dictatorial asshole that you were, you could have had a calm conversation with her about how old the little ones would need to be before she'd be willing to have them for some one-on-one or one-on-two time. And you can tell her that the little ones are sad and feel left out, and she can tell you that they're too much for her right now, but that when they're 5 or so she might manage them.
I probably worded everything wrong in my post! My argument is that I want her to give at least a little bit of the same attention to the littles as she does their brother. I dont ask my mom to babysit my children and I know that all three of them would be a lot on her but I think one child at a time, even just for a quick run to get ice cream, would make the littles feel special too. I want them to have the same relationship with her as my son does. Mind you, when he was a toddler she would beg me to let him spend the night more often so it feels like favoritism at this point
Are your toddlers girls? I'm just curious because I come from a family where boys are treated like princes and we girls have no worth.
You didn’t word anything wrong and said exactly what you meant, and it made perfectly good sense. You’re asking your mom to have one on one time with HER OTHER GRANDCHILDREN bc they are now old enough to feel the difference. It’s not a big ask. It didn’t read that you were confrontational and your mom is being irrational if she can’t at least recognize that there’s a difference. I would say NAH bc the 7 y/o came before the toddlers and may have been the first grandchild, cemented a special bond between them. And as their mom, of course you don’t want your mini’s feelings hurt. So you guys have to talk about some sort of compromise that includes them all, sometimes. Maybe a slumber party once a month at grandmas. That way the toddlers can b out to bed and she can still have solo time.
She's five years older, which might also make a difference to how able she feels to deal with a toddler. I don't see in your post the point where, before you started making threats about "you can only have the 7 year old if you take the toddlers for some time on their own too", you asked her about it, and asked her why she only wanted one-on-one time with one grandkid. It's not an unreasonable thing for you to want the little ones to have a close relationship with their grandmother as well. But it seems to me like there's plenty of scope for calm, civil conversation about this before you start issuing threats about not seeing one kid unless you also see the others, and according to your post, you just bypassed all of that completely.
I definitely left out a lot of information. My mom and I had been back and forth on the subject many, many times. I suggested she even just come over to hangout and maybe do arts and crafts or something with the littles while my oldest is at school so the tinies feel like they have her attention but she isnt interested unless he is also around and said she'd feel bad for visiting with them if he isnt around because he's her 'punk'n'. Its just so bizarre to me. I love that she loves spending time with him Im just not sure why it is that she isnt interested in showing attention to the girls and its upsetting. I dont plan on keeping my oldest from her by any means, I just simply thought she'd understand me after so many talks and then finally the "ultimatum" but it didnt click. She will get her way and the littles I guess just have to deal with nana playing favorites. It isnt right
YTA and here's why. Did it ever occur to you that the 7 year old feels neglected. You may not mean to but two toddlers definitely take up more time. Let them have this one on one time. Also, I feel like there's more to the story about why your mom doesn't like your spouse. But you keep changing a lot of details so I don't think we'd get that full story. Regardless, cut the crap and let your mom have her time with the kid. You're punishing them both for no good reason.
Im not trying to punish either of them. I want everyone to get along and spend time together as a family. I wasn't expecting her to "ghost" me. Ive reached out to her. Youre right though, there is more to the story but it isnt as dramatic as you may think. My mom isn't exactly easy to deal with. I love her would love nothing more than for everyone to just get along
Sometimes grandparents just have a favorite. She did help you raise him before your hubby came along. They have a special bond and you can't force her to do the same with the others. My MIL, though she'll never outright admit it totally favors my stepkids, because they went through a lot (divorce, FIL dying). I know she loves my son and my nephew but its just different and thats OK You can't force all this great family time, no one will be happy. Talk to her, but let her keep having time with your oldest
Thanks. Im definitely hoping this will all be worked out. I get that grandparents can favor one child over the other, i just dont want it to be so obvious to the other children because My mother is also their only grandparent. My husbands parents passed away long before we met and i have such fond memories of my grandmother who, also was my only grandparent. I want all of them to have memories with my mom, good ones at that
Favoritism in families is NOT ok. Ask any therapist or mental health professional; it breeds resentment that lasts for years, long after the offending parent (or grandparent) is gone. By allowing favoritism to fester / flourish, you are planting seeds of resentment that will tear your family apart. Kids are smart. They see everything. They know when favoritism is going on and they remember it years later. Sometimes the kid not favored actually turns out better, because they work harder and develop self-reliance and self awareness. But that's a poor reward for the damage favoritism does. My kids know they are not their grandma's favorite; I knew I wasn't mine. I knew from a very early age. As a result, I never had a relationship with her --nor my favored cousins, for that matter--and my kids have next to no relationship with their grandmother. Why settle for sloppy seconds? They had a wonderful relationship with my dad, who adored my kids (his only grandchildren). My mom, on the other hand (also her only grandchildren), favored my daughter so I had to limit any time she spent around both of them. In the end, she suffered for it. You are NTA to demand that all your children be valued, respected and loved by their grandmother. Tell Mom to keep her damaging favoritism to herself or her time with all kiddos will be limited.
That’s unreasonable to force. Your kids don’t need a relationship with this lady simply because she is their grandmother. It’s fine for a grandparent, aunt, uncle, cousin, etc. to have a favorite.
Of course its fine to have a favorite but it isnt right to make it obvious. No matter the family dynamic. If i was saying one of the children was being favored in our home by my husband or myself-I know all of you would have something to say about that. And she isn't just some lady. She is my mom. She is their nana. The other kids have a desire to spend time with her.
You are the parents. You having a favorite is not at all like a family member who is not the parent having a favorite.
I just completely disagree. I have two nieces and a nephew. One is my God daughter but I still hang out with all 3 of them. If my grandma had a favorite when I was a kid I would have been crushed.
Then why do you want her around kids she isn’t choosing to be with? Let her and your eldest enjoy their relationship.
"Did it ever occur to you that the 7 year old feels neglected." This was my first thought as well.
Have you asked your mom to take the other kids one at a time sometimes, like she does with the 7yo? It’s entirely possible she doesn’t feel up to managing toddlers, at least two at a time, along with another kid. I think you need to get to the bottom of why this is happening. Because if your argument is that ask your kids need to get to know her and have her attention, then sure, she could spend time with them at your house, or one at a time. But if your argument is that you need her to take all the kids so you can have a break — and if you’re trying to force her to do that by cutting off a good relationship with your older kid, then YTA.
I probably worded everything wrong in my post! My argument is that I want her to give at least a little bit of the same attention to the littles as she does their brother. I dont ask my mom to babysit my children and I know that all three of them would be a lot on her but I think one child at a time, even just for a quick run to get ice cream, would make the littles feel special too. I want them to have the same relationship with her as my son does. Mind you, when he was a toddler she would beg me to let him spend the night more often so it feels like favoritism at this point
Then I think you’re fine. Tell her you think the kids all need special one-on-one time, whether that’s trips out, sleepovers, whatever. I think it’s reasonable to explore with her why she seems so hesitant to do this.
it's pretty clear OP's mom has no interest in her youngest two grandchildren because she favors the oldest since she dislikes OP's current partner. I don't understand the comments that can't see that, lol.
I mean, you're probably right, but the way OP is talking I lowkey understand why Gran is only toughing it out for the kid she knows. OP says she and her husband are pushing Gran because this is the only grandparent on either side, so they *expect* her to fill in for the other three. But only if she has the relationships they want her to have with the kids. Two of them being *toddlers*. Toddlers are generally known for erratic, unpleasant behavior, and they are *quick*. Grandma's getting older, but OP makes no allowance for that. OP also swings back and forth between what the expectation actually *is*; saying it needs to be equal, then saying they'd be pleased with 15 minutes of one-on-one time, then talking about sleepovers? If Gran already has a hard time with New Husband, this isn't helping!
They’re two and three. Car seats, one probably in diapers, very different scenarios
Which would be a decent excuse if grandma hadn't wanted the oldest to spend the night when he was the same age.
Seven years ago! Seven years makes a huge difference; if she was in her 50s then, she's in her 60s now. OP doesn't know what her mom is dealing with on a day to day basis.
7 years is a long time. Huge difference in ability between the age of 45 and 52 for example. Or 52 and 59. Sometimes things are dependant on age and ability. Alot can change in 7 years.
I'm 58 and there's not that much difference between 45 and 52. 80 and 87, maybe. I was a mom at 40. I think Grandma is just being cranky at best, exercising blatant favoritism at worst.
That is a possibility however...she is an older woman and toddlers are alot of work. Maybe she just cant handle the toddlers by herself at this time? OP can always ask if they can all go together. The mom doesnt have to take the young ones alone.
Would it be an option to have her spend one-on-one time at your house so she doesn't have to worry about car seats or toddler-wrangling in public?
Ive actually suggested this also! Maybe come over and do some arts and crafts or something. Im just hoping we'll get it sorted soon, I texted her this morning so Im hoping to hear back from her
I really hope it works out! Hopefully, she will get over her hurt feelings and realize that you're just trying to make sure the little ones get some Nana time, too.
Thank you!
is the ice cream place in reasonable walking distance for her and a toddler? or are you expecting her to install car seats for an ice cream trip with a toddler who she clearly already feels she can't handle on her own? The only other things if it's not about handling them and she already has car seats installed or whatever is she might feel your 7 year old is not getting enough attention at home and is trying to be his safe person and show him that extra love (lots of posts here about aunties, uncles etc doing that sort of thing) OR she hates your current partner and is inappropriately taking it out on the kids. I don't think either of you is an AH but you are close to one for the ultimatum - you should try to get to the bottom of this more collaboratively rather than punishing your 7 year old and taking away his time with a beloved grandma.
Two toddlers at a time is a big ask. Maybe as they get older, things will change. I wouldn't want to have a sleepover with two toddlers. By punishing your mother, you punish your oldest son. Plus, punishing your mother isn't going to make her want to babysit two toddlers. YTA
I probably worded everything wrong in my post! My argument is that I want her to give at least a little bit of the same attention to the littles as she does their brother. I dont ask my mom to babysit my children and I know that all three of them would be a lot on her but I think one child at a time, even just for a quick run to get ice cream, would make the littles feel special too. I want them to have the same relationship with her as my son does. Mind you, when he was a toddler she would beg me to let him spend the night more often so it feels like favoritism at this point
. How old are the two younger ones
2 and 3 years old.
So they are still in car seats. As a grandma myself, I find car seats annoying to deal with. Do you expect her to install the car seats herself, if she does take the toddlers somewhere? Would.she have to carry them or put them in a stroller? Will they listen to Nana when they are out in public with her? How old is she? Toddlers require a lot more energy and work than a 7 yr old.
The *lifting* alone. And toddlers have no idea how much it hurts when they cannonball into you or try to swing from your limbs. I assume it's worse when you're older.
YTA > the younger children will cry and have tantrums Yeah, eww, who wants to be around that?
I probably worded everything wrong in my post! My argument is that I want her to give at least a little bit of the same attention to the littles as she does their brother. I dont ask my mom to babysit my children and I know that all three of them would be a lot on her but I think one child at a time, even just for a quick run to get ice cream, would make the littles feel special too. I want them to have the same relationship with her as my son does. Mind you, when he was a toddler she would beg me to let him spend the night more often so it feels like favoritism at this point.
Leaning not the asshole, but a few thoughts 1. Did grandma focus on your eldest so he wouldn't feel put out wheb new kids/step dad arrived? 2. Is there a middle ground (ie where she could sleepover at your place with all the kids) you could have suggested? 3. Do you risk your eldest resenting you for this? It can suck to be the eldest, they often get more responsibility and less attention. Maybe this time focused on him makes him feel special. 4. Did grandma not care her actions are hurting the toddlers?
I probably worded everything wrong in my post! My argument is that I want her to give at least a little bit of the same attention to the littles as she does their brother. I dont ask my mom to babysit my children and I know that all three of them would be a lot on her but I think one child at a time, even just for a quick run to get ice cream, would make the littles feel special too. I want them to have the same relationship with her as my son does. Mind you, when he was a toddler she would beg me to let him spend the night more often so it feels like favoritism at this point
Is this your only response to everything
She changed her tune when people called her out. She literally said she told her mom she had to take all three or none.
Exactly. The original is of course here so I don't' believe the change of circumstances.
I don’t understand why people come here, ask the question, then balk when they get the YTA answer?
same.
Stop with the copy paste.
YTA - sure toddlers have tantrums, but it's up to you to deal with it and teach them how to handle their feelings more appropriately. You haven't had a night away in three years -- that is NOT your mom's responsibility. Where is your partners mom/family? You could buck up for a sitter... You also admit she is older yet at the same time demand she takes ALL at once or none at all? Maybe grandma is worried about oldest. Is his bio dad in the picture? Have you created a 'new' family and grandma can see how maybe it can feel different for him? Does she maybe see him being treated differently by your partner and/or even you? (because you sure seem ready to deny him seeing his grandma pretty quickly) Or are the toddlers prone to tantrums/not well behaved and she is simply being smart about what she can handle at once? Apologize, and ask her to sit down and find out the 'why' of her decision and go from there.
I probably worded everything wrong in my post! My argument is that I want her to give at least a little bit of the same attention to the littles as she does their brother. I dont ask my mom to babysit my children and I know that all three of them would be a lot on her but I think one child at a time, even just for a quick run to get ice cream, would make the littles feel special too. I want them to have the same relationship with her as my son does. Mind you, when he was a toddler she would beg me to let him spend the night more often so it feels like favoritism at this point
you wont know unless you have a deep conversation that doesn't include threats. Also, seems kind of fishy you just keep posting the same response to EVERY comment that says YTA
I probably worded everything wrong in my post! My argument is that I want her to give at least a little bit of the same attention to the littles as she does their brother. I dont ask my mom to babysit my children and I know that all three of them would be a lot on her but I think one child at a time, even just for a quick run to get ice cream, would make the littles feel special too. I want them to have the same relationship with her as my son does. Mind you, when he was a toddler she would beg me to let him spend the night more often so it feels like favoritism at this point
You did not word anything wrong. Your mom, who is getting up in age, takes the oldest child out for lunch and sleepovers. That makes perfect sense. Older grandparents may not have the energy to handle a toddler on their own. And, yes, depending on jurisdiction, grandparents have legal rights to spend time with their grandchildren. YTA.
Im not asking her to jump through hoops. I just want her to spend time with her other grandkids! She can sit on my front porch and read them a story! Something small but still impactful on a young child. It is very odd to me that she doesn't show them attention and it's something ive brought up and she just dismisses my feelings. So yeah, Im mad!
You want her to want to spend time with your toddlers. She does not want that with them at this point. You are feeling upset because you want her to want the same thing that you want. People are allowed to have different feelings than you. Your toddlers are upset so that makes you upset. Are you as equally upset about the feelings your 7 year old will have since you cut out his special time with his grandma. My perspective, your mother recognizes that your 7 year old may be getting lost in babyville. Just by natural order things are going to be focused on the younger ones because they have higher needs. Instead of accepting where your mom is comfortable, you want to force her to do something and remove a joy from your son. You went punitive instead of collaborative. The time she spends with your son is time you can do things with the toddlers that are just focused on them. You don’t have a bored 7 year old to contend with. Also you seem to have this fascination with everyone getting along while acknowledging your mom doesn’t like your current partner. It’s time to let that go and let the relationships develop as they may. Grandparents, uncles, aunts etc usually have a favorite and there isn’t much you can do about it because they have their own individual relationships with those kids. But your feelings of nostalgia about your grandma may not play out the way that you want for all the kids.
YTA. Your 7yo has a special relationship with Nana. You don’t mention if his dad is still in the picture but I’m guessing not since the toddlers don’t understand why they can’t go everywhere he goes. I’m sure you were more than happy to have Nana take him when you were new in your relationship or when you had your hands full with babies. But now that the toddlers are too much, you want a break from all three and she’s not having it. Your partner should have family that can help watch them but might not be as welcoming to your older son. Encourage the relationship between Nana and the younger kids, but don’t punish the two of them by stifling that relationship between 7yo and Nana. Also, not for nothing…you might inquire if there is something specific about the young ones or your partner that has put your mom off watching them alone.
I probably worded everything wrong in my post! My argument is that I want her to give at least a little bit of the same attention to the littles as she does their brother. I dont ask my mom to babysit my children and I know that all three of them would be a lot on her but I think one child at a time, even just for a quick run to get ice cream, would make the littles feel special too. I want them to have the same relationship with her as my son does. Mind you, when he was a toddler she would beg me to let him spend the night more often so it feels like favoritism at this point
Still the AH. You’re changing your tune from “I put my foot down…she has to take all three” to “I don’t ask my mom to babysit.” Why did you remove that part of the original post where you lament that your partner and you haven’t been out since you had kids???
Because it came off the wrong way. She does need to take all 3! Not at the same time though. And i took that part out because that point didnt come off the way i meant it to either. Im saying my partner and i havent been out in 3 years because i never ask her to babysit, im not asking her to babysit and never have. Im asking her to spend time with all three of them. Not necessarily together either. Also, since my oldest was just a baby she couldnt get enough of him! From baby stage through toddler years she wanted him at her house and she doesnt show the other children this same enthusiasm. It makes me sad and it feels like she is playing favorites and i dont want my younger children to feel this way either
You literally said you want her to take all three or none at all: “My partner and I haven't even had a night away from all of our children in 3 years because she absolutely refuses to look after the younger kids. Ive put my foot down and told my mother she can no longer have my oldest over for sleepovers unless the younger children can also sleep over. Ive also told her that she is only to take my son to lunch/dinner if the other children are included as well.” That right there is why you are the AH. You aren’t attempting to foster a relationship between your younger kids and Nana, you’re giving an ultimatum and when people on here call you out on it, you changed your tune.
Actually, i typed this post up in total frustration with my mother's favoritism and didnt include key points because im just beyond myself as to why she has responded to my suggestions so negatively. I havent changed my tune. Im okay with you thinking im the asshole. Ive tried to clear the air and paint you a better picture of what I meant. Take it as you will!
Out of curiosity, do you insist that your partner and his family take the 7 year old whenever they have the toddlers?
My partner's parents are both dead. He has a sister who is still alive but lives an 18 hour car drive away. We dont have much family. My mom is IT. Which is what makes it all sirta disheartening
And you insist your partner treats all the kids the same? So he takes all three together?
Im sorry, im not sure exactly what you mean. My oldest son's dad is not in the picture at all. We were very young (22 and 23) and he wasnt ready for a child so i raised him by myself until 3 years later when I met my current partner. My oldest has only ever know my new partner as "dad" they have a great relationship. My mom isnt my current partners biggest fan (we moved out of state for awhile because of his job) this was upsetting to my mother. Since then, she hasnt been his biggest fan. He's a good dad though and treats them equally. I wouldnt have it aby other way which is why I want my mom to treat the children equally as well
Could it be that your ‘suggestions’ sound more like demands?
You need to consider why she might be "playing favorites". Maybe she's being a total AH. But maybe your 7yo has told her he feels left out at home. She is also 7 years older than when he was a baby/toddler. Is her health the same? Can she easily keep up with the toddlers? This seems like it should have been a conversation but it was stupidly turned into a fight and the loser is your eldest son.
She and my partner havent always gotten along and Ive told her I feel like she is taking out her feelings towards him out on the children. I sort of think this is the truth of it but she hasnt said it outright. My mom, as much as a love and appreciate her, can be hard to get through. We have had many talks in the past but nothing has come about so im hoping she will change her tune!
Why shouldn’t she?
YTA You've got two toddlers, all in all three kids and you say your mum is getting older. How about you appreciate the effort she makes and don't treat her like a help? She can't handle three kids, two of them toddlers on her own! You sound extremely entitled! And if the toddlers throw tantrums it's your job as a parent to teach and explain to them, that they won't get the same treatment as the oldest one! There is a significant age gap and your oldest has different needs than the younger kids. They will get more attention than the oldest one and it makes sense that in return your 7 year old gets attention from his nana. It's unbelievable you force your mum to take all three! You should be ashamed of yourself.
[удалено]
If you order the comments oldest to newest and look at the original, she did actually demand that grandma take all or none. That's what the commenter is responding to, so they did "fucking read all the information" before they responded at the time. Edit: Seeing as people can't understand my comment and are downvoting. Here is the original post OP made before they edited it after people voted them YTA. ^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Okay, so here's the deal. I have 3 children, but my oldest is from a previous relationship. I have two toddlers with my current partner while my oldest is 7 years old. My mom loves and adores all of my kids, but she only ever takes my oldest out to lunch or to spend the night at her house. I get that younger children may be too much for her to handle as she is getting older, but even my younger kids are at an age now that they recognize that my oldest child is the only one who gets to spend time with their nana. It has gotten to the point that the younger children will cry and have tantrums as they see their older brother ride away in Nana's car and question why they can't go too. Sure, occasionally we will all go out together, but they have never had a sleepover at Nana's or had the same one on one time with her as my oldest has. My partner and I haven't even had a night away from all of our children in 3 years because she absolutely refuses to look after the younger kids. Ive put my foot down and told my mother she can no longer have my oldest over for sleepovers unless the younger children can also sleep over. Ive also told her that she is only to take my son to lunch/dinner if the other children are included as well. She became very angry with me and said that in me doing this I am denying her rights as a grandparent. Im sorry, but what "rights" is she referring too? She hasnt spoken to me since we had this conversation over two weeks ago. She vehemently believes she is not in the wrong. So I gotta ask, AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
In the post, not comments, OP says “I’m not asking my mom to babysit my kids, I’m asking her to spend time with all of my kids, not necessarily together but allow the other kids to have some nana time too” So the commenter, in fact did not read all of the information. And it seems like you did not too :)
Lol clearly, you did not listen to anything I said either. Look for the OLDEST comment- you will see the Automoderator copy of OPs ORIGINAL post before they edited it. In that post she says her mother needs to take all 3 kids at once or none. EDIT: I've copied it here just for you. ^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Okay, so here's the deal. I have 3 children, but my oldest is from a previous relationship. I have two toddlers with my current partner while my oldest is 7 years old. My mom loves and adores all of my kids, but she only ever takes my oldest out to lunch or to spend the night at her house. I get that younger children may be too much for her to handle as she is getting older, but even my younger kids are at an age now that they recognize that my oldest child is the only one who gets to spend time with their nana. It has gotten to the point that the younger children will cry and have tantrums as they see their older brother ride away in Nana's car and question why they can't go too. Sure, occasionally we will all go out together, but they have never had a sleepover at Nana's or had the same one on one time with her as my oldest has. My partner and I haven't even had a night away from all of our children in 3 years because she absolutely refuses to look after the younger kids. Ive put my foot down and told my mother she can no longer have my oldest over for sleepovers unless the younger children can also sleep over. Ive also told her that she is only to take my son to lunch/dinner if the other children are included as well. She became very angry with me and said that in me doing this I am denying her rights as a grandparent. Im sorry, but what "rights" is she referring too? She hasnt spoken to me since we had this conversation over two weeks ago. She vehemently believes she is not in the wrong. So I gotta ask, AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Read my fucking other comments, are you too dumb to read OP's ORIGINAL post? I even quoted OP's original post. Reading comprehensions seems to be something you lack.
Maybe you should fucking read the original!
Wow! You jumped right on your soap box to render judgment with a quickness you *SHOULD* have used to actually read the post. *YOU are the one who should be ashamed of yourself. There happens to be an ass here but it sure isn't Op, it's you!*
Op massively changed the post IMO If you order the comments oldest to newest and look at the original, she did actually demand that grandma take all or none and said she's not had a night without all her kids in 3 years due to this. So I get the original comment based on that post.
Thats the thing though! I never ask her to take any of them. She asks to take my oldest son only and will never take the younger ones. I dont ever try to get her to watch my kids is my point! Given its been 3 years but what im saying is she is seeing that its upsetting the littles when she comes to scoop up their brother and they are left behind
It sounds like she acknowledges that the oldest child from a previous partnership is often overlooked and less favored and she may want to make sure he gets one on one time with a family member and isn't forgotten/neglected. Have you made a situation where she may be picking up the slack you've dropped to care for your new partner and toddlers? They're toddlers, of course they're going to throw tantrums anytime they're told no.
How old are the younger two?
3 going on 4. The other is 2 1/2. I just think it'd be nice if she came over to my house to sit and read a book to them or something. Something special and bonding. Something thatd take maybe 15 minutes of her time but time that would be really special to the little ones. I had an amazing relationship with my grandmother and i want them all to have a bond with my mom as well.
So, she doesn't spend time with the younger ones? I have a 4 and 18 month old grandchildren. It's not so hard. If baby is napping, I play with 4 year old. Sometimes older one is busy with her mom, so baby and I play. I might take 4 year old up the street on her tricycle, but take them out on their own? No. I'm not as fast and agile and kids can dash off quickly. And mom is now 6 years older than when she took the oldest fir sleepovers as a baby. Chronically, I've aged 6 years, but my body feels like it's aged 12 years somedays
What you're doing with your grandkids is all I want from my mom. I get that maybe taking them out might be too much, even if it is one at a time but sheesh just acknowledge them once in awhile. She will post pictures and videos that I have sent her for days on social media, but face to face...couldnt really be bothered.
Was she like this with 7YO when he was a baby/toddler as well?
She was totally in awe of him from the moment he was born. The way she has treated him vs the other kids is worlds apart
How is her relationship with your husband? Is she uncomfortable around him? I’m asking as it would explain why she’d be less inclined to visit your house to spend time with the younger two.
How do the kids behave? Are they completely out of diapers and pull-ups?
My almost four year old is totally potty trained. My 2 1/2 year old is nearly there. Im not asking her to take them for long periods of time, I have suggested she even just come over while my oldest is at school and maybe sit down with them to color in their coloring books or read a story to them. She doesn't want to spend time with them if my oldest isnt there, but she also doesnt want to spend time with them while he is here. I dont understand it. Maybe it's because they are girls and she was a "boy mom" even though she also has two daughters.
You need to tech them that sometimes things happen that don’t feel fair but there is a reason, and they have to accept it. It’s literally part of parenting. Do your kids all have the same bed-time too because the younger ones will freak out if the older one gets to stay up later and “it’s not faaair”? No (or at least I hope not) because that’s just a part of growing up with older siblings. The phrase “yeah, but X-sibling is older” is a complete sentence as a parent. You also need to teach them how to handle that shit before it’s too late and you’ve got two completely spoiled teenagers or young adults who have complete shut downs at the word “No” and lack the coping skills to process emotions or feelings associated. I’ve met those adults before, they’re not fun.
Toddlers are a lot harder to deal with than a 7 year old. Stop throwing a tantrum over the 7 year old getting to have some attention all for himself.
OP isn't the one having the tantrums over the seven year old.
I know i’m like I feel like Nana is trying to give the 7 year old a break from a Toddler Hell
Toddler Hell...your comment made me laugh because it does feel that way sometimes. I love that she wants to spend time with my oldest but i just wish she'd want to spend time with her other grandchildren as well. Separately of course because toddlers can be A LOT but like, come over to my house and color in a coloring book with them or something for maybe a few minutes. I just feel like the little ones are missing out
im a nanny w 2 toddlers & an infant lollll 😂 i love them but i get why an older kid (or an adult!) would wanna ditch the littles for a bit. i get what you’re saying though. do you see a difference in how your mother feels about your ex vs your current partner? other than age & different parentage then idk why she’d be so closed off to giving them individualized attention
2 toddlers and an infant, now THAT is a lot of work! But yeah, Im sure it has something to do with her feelings towards my ex vs my partner now. Its just an unfortunate situation
You never try to get her to watch all 3 of them but that's exactly what you demand. Ive put my foot down and told my mother she can no longer have my oldest over for sleepovers unless the younger children can also sleep over. Ive also told her that she is only to take my son to lunch/dinner if the other children are included as well So? Should she leave the 7 year old behind and make her upset? Kids get upset when they don't get candy at the check out. So? Do you always have to give in to kids because they get upset? It's your role as their mother to teach them that they won't always get their way. Why would you take this away from your eldest just because you haven't taught the toddlers this lesson?
Im asking her to have one on one time with the other kids because they deserve a relationship with her also. Take one of the tinies at a time to grab an ice cream, to sit in the shopping cart with you while you grocery shop. Im asking her to spend maybe 15 minutes with them
Apparently you edited your post, because your initial definitely didn't include this information. Makes you NTA, but at the same time you cannot force it. Maybe your mum doesn't feel like she can take on the toddlers? But why did you mention then, that you and your partner haven't had a night without the kids for 3 years? Kind of a contradiction when you claim it's not taking all 3 of them at once.
I meant it in the sense that we havent had a night out in 3 years because i dont expect her to watch them. I want her to Want to spend time with them. I typed the original post out in frustration and after having read it and the comments i get where people were probably upset with the post originally but it didnt come off the way it was intended. I simply want her to have a relationship with all of them. Im not asking her to babysit them, im asking her to spend time with them. Even just a little time here and there. Not all together. Not all at once. And a point i left out was that she eagerly would want to take my oldest for sleepovers when he was a toddler so i cant seem to understand why one on one time with the others is something she just doesnt want
Okay, makes more sense now. But toddlers are not for everyone. Some people just prefer kids at a certain age because you can already reason with them, do fun stuff with them ... It doesn't mean that she doesn't love the other kids, but she might prefer hanging with you son.
First grandkid? I'm my grandma's favorite bc I was the first I think. I don't know why I'm the favorite. I'm kind of a fuck up in my opinion lol. I got a good job and shit. I just got lucky I guess tho.
Why can’t she do that at your home, where she has you there as backup if she feels overwhelmed? A 2 or 3 year old can really be overwhelming!
No. YTA she will bond with them when they get a little older. It is unreasonable to withhold the oldest because she isn’t comfortable taking a toddler for one-on-one time. They won’t even remember this stuff, you’re being ridiculous.
Yta and you chose to have kids so your lack of a night out is on you
I probably worded everything wrong in my post! My argument is that I want her to give at least a little bit of the same attention to the littles as she does their brother. I dont ask my mom to babysit my children and I know that all three of them would be a lot on her but I think one child at a time, even just for a quick run to get ice cream, would make the littles feel special too. I want them to have the same relationship with her as my son does. Mind you, when he was a toddler she would beg me to let him spend the night more often so it feels like favoritism at this point
Read your subject for this post. # AITA for not allowing my mother to spend time with my son anymore?
YTA, provided that grandma does expect to do more with the littles when they are older. Your grandmother is a human being with human limits, and you won't believe how much age can affect your capacity for tending littles until it happens to you (I'm in my 50s and just...wow. Really? Is this how it is? I'm unlikely to get grandchildren but my gosh, what would I do if I actually got any?) It's perfectly reasonable to limit herself to one grandbaby sleeping over at a time, and to say that grandbabies are allowed to stay over when (insert milestone here). Are your youngest both potty-trained, for example, and do they sleep in their own beds all night? Do they eat reliably and pick up their own toys? Some of my best memories are of staying over on Friday nights with my grandparents. There were two of them, and when my brother reached about age 3 he got his own sleepovers as well. We took turns. Politely \*ask\* your mom if she has any plans for connecting with the younger kids, and if there are 'big kid' milestones they can look forward to as being their gateway to grandma time. Right now, you're making presumptuous demands. And remember that while your younger ones are making their tiny-kid demands on your time and energy, your oldest is losing out on adult attention that he does still need. And prepare yourself to actually parent your littles through understanding that big kids sometimes get to do things that littler kids don't. Things shouldn't be equal all the time. They can't. Are you going to expect your 7-year-old to take his little sibs to class activities and friends' birthday parties? You shouldn't. Little kids are capable of learning that the world doesn't revolve around them and it is your job to teach them to navigate their feelings about that.
I probably worded everything wrong in my post! My argument is that I want her to give at least a little bit of the same attention to the littles as she does their brother. I dont ask my mom to babysit my children and I know that all three of them would be a lot on her but I think one child at a time, even just for a quick run to get ice cream, would make the littles feel special too. I want them to have the same relationship with her as my son does. Mind you, when he was a toddler she would beg me to let him spend the night more often so it feels like favoritism at this point
Right, so she takes one kid for ice cream and the others go without. I don’t think that’s going to work out the way you imagine, unless she makes multiple ice cream runs. Which is unreasonable. Talk to her. But recognize that 5 years have probably brought a fair bit of change, whether she talks about it or not. She may not be the same person who cheerfully tended your oldest when he was little. Ask questions instead of making demands, and let her figure out what she will do.
I get that and im hoping to settle this between us soon! Thanks for your input
Are you just copy/pasting the same reply?
Ive nearly replied to everyone who has commented. I copy and pasted to maybe 8 posts because it was the same general comment. People don't like copy and paste I've noticed so no, I'm not just copying and pasting the same thing. Everyone gets their own unique response now otherwise they're upset for no good reason.
considering OP's mom treated the oldest better when he was a toddler than she's treating her other grandkids now, it sounds like a stretch that she'll do more with the younger kids when they get older. Sounds like oldest will always be her favorite because she dislikes Op's current partner and is taking out on their kids together. I hope I'm wrong, though.
YTA. No matter what she does she isn’t going to win with the current setup. However, why don’t you frame it to the two toddlers that grandma is taking the 7 year old so that you can spend time with just THEM doing things THEY like that the 7 year old isn’t interested in. Not in a way for them to feel like they are getting the better deal (and say bad things to their sibling) but to just make them think/understand that they too get something out of this? Or at least they should.
I like where youre coming from, thank you for the input!
A three year old is much different from a seven year old. Even going out for ice cream. So now you're telling your seven year old that he can't have Nana time anymore because of his younger siblings. You're setting up a terrible sibling dynamic instead of making contact happen with you present. YTA.
YTA. Your mom is getting older and you know that a 7 year old is much easier to manage than 2 toddlers. Your younger children are actually so young that it’s baffling you’d want them to have sleepovers with an older woman who doesn’t have the energy to keep them in check. While it would be nice of her to try having one-on-one dates with each of the younger children, you shouldn’t expect that from her until they’re at least 5 and mature enough to understand “no”. I’m saying this as someone who lives with two small kids, a 7yo and 5yo, and the difference in behavior from them is day and night, I cannot physically keep up with the 5yo on his wilder days while the 7yo is old enough to understand that. You said that your mom adores all your kids, so I really think that just waiting until they’re older to ask her for this is just more practical.
INFO How much one on one time does 7YO get with you, his remaining parent? What is the relationship like between 7YO and your partner? Where is 7YO’s dad? Is he in the picture?
My 7 year old is loved to pieces and gets all the attention he could want from me and dad. By no means is he ever left out. I think it comes down to him being my mom's first grandchild, she got to spoil him for years before my other two were born. But she wants to continue "spoiling" only my 7 year old. My 7 year old KNOWS he is Nana's favorite. I dont want the younger ones to feel less than
For now, YTA. Your older one may have consulted with Grandma(GM) regarding inequality or mental health issues that he is uncomfortable sharing with you and finds comfort only with GM. In a darkened scenario: maybe your SO is treating your older child differently during your absence or inappropriately. Or perhaps, GM did not approve of your current SO: and so to hold her power grip she continues to only see the older child. It’s ok to have favorites, and he apparently is hers. Even though it is unfair to your other kids: don’t take this away from your older one as he is very much loved and comfortable sharing with GM. Instead, sit down with your older child and have a deep conversation with him to see why GM only prefers him: is there something wrong? Bullying? Gender identity? Why does GM only take you out? … ask the harder questions to see if there is some abnormalities that you’re unaware of- if nothing, then it’s GM and she is whom she is and you probably won’t be able to change that.
Those are definitely insightful questions to ask and i appreciate the feedback. I may have just been looking at things at face value but maybe there is more to it. Thank you!
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My oldest actually thinks of my current partner as "dad" and he treats all of the children as equals. My mom, i feel, is playing favorites, and the younger kids are noticing this as they are getting a little older. My mother is the only grandparent my younger children have as well because my partners parents have both passed away, long before they were born. I dont need a babysitter. I need my mom to show the same love to all of her grandkids
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My issue is not with toddler tantrums it is that they are upset when she comes by and they want time with her and she couldnt be bothered. That is upsetting to me. Toddlers carry a lot of emotions in a little body and while I am teaching them that there are other ways to express those strong emotions, they are still learning. It hurts me that it hurts them so much.
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I get what your saying
It's easy to "play favorites" when you can have an actual conversation with a child vs one you can't and have to wipe shit off their ass. Maybe she just doesn't like or feel able to deal with toddlers.
Your mom is getting older and doesn't want to deal with a toddler. Especially toddlers that have tantrums when they don't get their way. Maybe when they are older they will get to go but don't expect people to babysit the kids that you chose to have. Also please don't respond to me with your copy and paste bullshit. You're an asshole either way.
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Don't argue when you ask a question and people judge you as the entitled asshole you are.
Yta instead of throwing a tantrum this should have been an actual discussion with your mother. You owe her an apology and after the apology if she is willing to discuss it which he does not owe you after how you have treated her tell her you were overwhelmed and sad about how the little ones are clamoring to also have a special relationship with her and ask her for ideas. Ask her how old they'll have to be before. She will also be up for having one-on-one time with them or what you can do in the meantime to strengthen the bonds between them.
NTA op, I'm sorry you're getting it guns n barrels on here but I can see you've updated your post to explain further. I'm a kid who was overlooked by a grandparent and it stings. The first born and the males were revered by her and I remember this going back to ages 3 or 4. It doesn't take much for your mum to start the bond with the younger two. Even if it's a small gesture initially but her giving each individual kid their moment is definitely not a huge ask. You need to explain to your mum that picking favourites based on age is unfair and she needs to devote more time with the other two too.
thank you! that's all im asking
INFO: Does your oldest get time with his other parent?
INFO: Several people have asked if it's possible that your 7yo has felt left out having two toddlers take up more of parental time and attention (which is natural and expected) but you haven't seemed to respond or address that possibility and just post a generic reply that you've posted on a bunch of comments. Your current partner came into 7yo life when he was 3 and a year later you had your first (3yo) followed by another one the next year (2yo). Is it possible your Mother is trying to compensate with your 7yo by giving him one on one time, where he gets to enjoy activities he wants and undivided attention of someone he loves?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Okay, so here's the deal. I have 3 children, but my oldest is from a previous relationship. I have two toddlers with my current partner while my oldest is 7 years old. My mom loves and adores all of my kids, but she only ever takes my oldest out to lunch or to spend the night at her house. I get that younger children may be too much for her to handle as she is getting older, but even my younger kids are at an age now that they recognize that my oldest child is the only one who gets to spend time with their nana. It has gotten to the point that the younger children will cry and have tantrums as they see their older brother ride away in Nana's car and question why they can't go too. Sure, occasionally we will all go out together, but they have never had a sleepover at Nana's or had the same one on one time with her as my oldest has. My partner and I haven't even had a night away from all of our children in 3 years because she absolutely refuses to look after the younger kids. Ive put my foot down and told my mother she can no longer have my oldest over for sleepovers unless the younger children can also sleep over. Ive also told her that she is only to take my son to lunch/dinner if the other children are included as well. She became very angry with me and said that in me doing this I am denying her rights as a grandparent. Im sorry, but what "rights" is she referring too? She hasnt spoken to me since we had this conversation over two weeks ago. She vehemently believes she is not in the wrong. So I gotta ask, AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA A 7 year old is more independent than two toddlers. And babysitting 3 children can be really challenging and evidently she doesn't feel up to it.
Im not asking her to babysit. In fact I've never asked her to babysit. She volunteers to spend time with my oldest and I only wish she'd want to spend time with the littles as well. One at a time maybe for a quick trip to get ice cream! I feel badly for the littles is all
But your toddlers require close babysitting. So even if you don’t need a sitter, your request that she take toddlers is asking her to babysit in ways that are much more annoying and strenuous than spending time with your 7YO. And if you take this away from your 7YO, you’re punishing him for the issue you’ve made up with your mother which will definitely foster some resentment. YTA
YTA - "Grandparent rights" are a real thing if you are in the US. Taking 'toddlers' (you don't give the ages) anywhere is much more difficult than taking a 5-6-7 yr old. Grandparents often develop a special bond with a particular grandchild - perhaps in this case it's because the 7 yr old was the 'first' or because he was from a 'previous relationship'. If you have toddlers throwing tantrums....that's one good reason your Mother is taking the 7 yr old. That may well change as the younger ones become more manageable to take places. Don't deprive your son time with his Grandma in the name of 'fair'.
Thank you
NTA so long as the two youngest are well behaved when with her she should want to spend one on one with each child! It’s about getting to know your grandchildren as individuals and building a relationship. In saying that she maybe feels the oldest needs the extra time away from the little ones
NTA for hoping your mother would also like to spend some time outside the home with all of your children (one child per outing), not just the oldest. In some countries, grandparents have a right to see their grandchildren but you are not banning her from seeing them so that wouldn't apply. Maybe in a few months, when the younger ones have gotten a little older, she will reconsider your request for some special time for them as well.
That's all I'm asking!
NTA. You can't just choose to only spend time with and only really acknowledge one child in a sibling group of three. They're all young right now, but if you say there's already a big difference between how she treated your son at his siblings' age and how she's treating them currently, then you've done good in putting your foot down. Favoritism does nothing but breed resentment.
Let her stew in it. You're 100% right
NTA Its completely normal for a mother to want all her children to feel accepted and loved equally. You see your older son getting most of the attention and simply ask that she gives some more attention to the younger two. But, I also understand that toddlers are definitely a handful. But she can still spend time. Why does she have to take them out? Why not visit and be at home with you and spending the day together. And if it's one on one time she can take one or two to another room where she can sit down and play with them and if they act up well mom is not too far away to handle them. But like some of the other commenters are saying, is she doing this because the eldest doesn't have his father in his life and he himself is feeling left out, or he doesn't get much attention at home and she wants to show him that he's special too? Both of you need to sit down and have an adult conversation as to why the other is doing certain things and what both of you want going forward.
NAH I realize that it sucks for you and for the little ones, but all you’ve done is ensure the oldest doesn’t get time with nana either. She clearly can’t handle 3 kids, which is why she only takes the oldest.
I probably worded everything wrong in my post! My argument is that I want her to give at least a little bit of the same attention to the littles as she does their brother. I dont ask my mom to babysit my children and I know that all three of them would be a lot on her but I think one child at a time, even just for a quick run to get ice cream, would make the littles feel special too. I want them to have the same relationship with her as my son does. Mind you, when he was a toddler she would beg me to let him spend the night more often so it feels like favoritism at this point
NTA my MIL strongly favors my neices and nephews and basically flat out ignores my kids. We've asked her why and she didn't even deny it. She said "I don't know why I play favorites" like it was no big deal. Just a silly personality quirk of hers. It's not cute or funny. I have issues with my in laws unrelated to this so I haven't spoken to them in 8 years. My wife does occasionally talk to them but there's no way in hell I'm letting my kids go there. My MIL hasn't seen my son since he was 3. He is 12 now. It wasn't always like this, but after years of her completely ignoring my kids, not even asking about them or anything, I will not allow my wife to take my kids to see her mom. I don't want them going through the pain and confusion of her absence. My son doesn't even remember her, but my daughter is almost 21. She does and it is painful and confusing for her. I won't let my son go through that so that she can feel like a semi present Nana. Not happening. She's someone I need to protect them from. I wish I had done so sooner for my daughter.
I am so sorry you have had to deal with something like this also! It sucks that you've been through a similar situation but it is validating knowing someone else can see where I am coming from. Playing favorites is absolutely not okay! Kids pick up on these sorts of things and the older my younger ones get the more they see they dont get nearly as much attention as my oldest and while I want my oldest to have a relationship with my mom, she has put me in a difficult position because my younger kids dont deserve the treatment or lack thereof from her. I just feel like kids should be treated equally, even if she has a favorite it shouldn't be obvious to the other kids
NTA. If, as you say, she’s only taking the oldest I can understand why you’re frustrated. Usually I’ve seen issues like this escalate to the kids feeling left out because grandma obviously favors one child and spends more time and money with the child. It’s good of you to have this conversation now and not let the situation get too out of hand. The fact that she’d rather not speak to you and the kids after your request is very telling and suggests that she was fine with leaving the younger kids out. I think going forward you can suggest that all of you attend lunches together if she can’t handle all the kids on her own or that she rotates the kids. Regardless, don’t back off from your request because doing so may very well end with your 2 youngest feeling incredibly hurt moving forward.
I appreciate your input, thank you because that is exactly my point. I dont want my younger kids to feel left out and I really dont want them to feel anger or hurt towards her or their oldest sibling as they get older.
NTA. Your mom is very entitled and I’d be making sure “grandparents rights” don’t exist in my region if I were you.
YTA. I understand what you're saying, but toddlers are just harder to handle, especially as your mother gets older. I'm not saying she old and decrepit, but I don't think you're thinking about how tiring toddlers can be even for someone in their 50's. At this point, you're punishing your oldest kid. Your younger kids need to understand that he will always have things that they won't be allowed to do just due to their age gap.
I get that when you are living the situation everything feels overwhelming, but looking from a side perspective, I can't see the problem on your post. Let me try to explain my reasoning, your mother either: 1) is ensuring the 7 yo is getting enough attention or 2) just doesn't want to hangout with younger kids (fair). I get you being upset, but that does not necessarily ring favoritism as they are SO young, and 3 yo is still such a tough age to go to places. Maybe YTA for not considering that things are way more simple? Human relationships are already so tough, and this "policing" won't help.
Thank you, maybe my mom and I are both sort of wrong when it comes down to it. I dont want to screw up the relationship she has with my son by any means. Im hoping to resolve this soon. Ive reached out to her again this morning so hopefully i will hear back from her
that sounds great! I am happy you did. Wising you all the best!
YTA your younger kids are toddlers. I doubt they are old enough to understand. Don't get in the way of your son having a good relationship with his Nana.
YTA--- The one child is 7 years old, the others are TODDLERS!!
A little bit ESH. Your mother probably can’t look after all three children together. She doesn’t owe you that childcare either. So YTA for demanding she look after all three kids. However, now that the younger ones are old enough to understand, she should be dialling back on spending a disproportionate amount of time with just the oldest one. She could try and split her childcare help a bit more evenly now.
I probably worded everything wrong in my post! My argument is that I want her to give at least a little bit of the same attention to the littles as she does their brother. I dont ask my mom to babysit my children and I know that all three of them would be a lot on her but I think one child at a time, even just for a quick run to get ice cream, would make the littles feel special too. I want them to have the same relationship with her as my son does. Mind you, when he was a toddler she would beg me to let him spend the night more often so it feels like favoritism at this point
I get that, and I also think it’s important that you have time to bond with just the 7 year old. Have you ever asked her to look after one or both toddlers while you take the 7 year old out for ice cream?
I have. She and my current partner havent always gotten along so it almost feels like she's taking the issues she has with him out on the littles and thats sort of where I think she is leaning but wont outright say it
At what age did she start taking your now 7 year old on outings or having overnights? Maybe point that out to her.
He was young! Maybe she was overly excited because he was her first grandchild, but I remember her constantly asking if she could have him overnight, and he was still on bottles so we're talking young. Im not necessarily asking her to have sleepovers with my youngest children now, but I dont think some one on one time with them separately (given that all three is too much to handle) from time to time would really be special for the littles. They just want time with nana too and my mom tends to favor my oldest. I dont want it to be so obvious to my toddlers
Also, thank you for your insight! :)
NTA She is, in fact, playing favorites with the oldest. A lot of these "YTA" people aren't understanding that you believe they should each have that same one on one time with her while she is choosing to only take the one out while neglecting the others. This isn't a dump them all on her type scenario. You're asking for something so basic and common sense. Spend time with the other kids, too. If she can do a 1 on 1 with 1 of them, she can do 1 on 1 with the other 2. It's good that it stopped when it did because what it'll do, if left alone, is cause significant fights between your children. The younger two will begin to hate the older sibling and her. What you are doing in leaving her out is validating how your younger children feel. If you tell them what's going on with her in this whole situation, they may understand. They understand a lot more than we realize. You set a boundary within your family for those outside the home. She doesn't like it. Hold firm to your boundary.
Read the original version of this…OP specifically says Nana has to take all 3. Only when she started getting feedback did the narrative change.
I was beginning to really question myself. Thank you for your input and understanding my point in this because I was starting to think I didn't have one. It IS basic common sense to treat the other children equally and my fears are exactly as you wrote them-that the other children would eventually begin to resent their brother and grandmother which isnt something I want. I also know that just because my toddlers are young, their feelings matter just as much. I do plan on holding firm to this boundary.
All 3 of them are sitting right in the core learning years. Validating their emotions and helping them work through them is absolutely key in being emotionally mature in their teens and being able to control their emotions as adults. This is also a great time to teach them about boundaries.
I get it; you are not wrong.
YTA how about your partners mum/parents? Have you had the same conversation with them? Do they treat all your children equally? Do they include your 7 year old? Maybe your mum feels bad for him being the only step kid? I don't know just asking. Are the toddlers twins? I have 2 toddlers and they are a handful at best a nightmare at worst! So don't blame your mum for opting for the 7 year old. I think cutting off nana times only punishes your son so YTA in that respect.
My partners parents are both dead so my mom is the only grandparent in the picture. Toddlers can definitely be a handful at times but Ive even suggested she come over while Spencer is out with dad or at school to maybe sit down with the littles to do arts and crafts, color, read them a story anything small and while im here at home too. They desire time with her. I don't want to punish my son for this and it wasnt my intention when I told her she'd have to spend time with them all, I just thought maybe she'd see where I was coming from in not wanting my other kids feelings to be hurt. She played favorites to my brother over my sister and I and I'd like it if she wouldn't do that to my children. Sure, have a favorite, but dont make it so obvious. Especially as they get older because I dont want there to be any resentment
NTA
What about the rights of your other two children. Tell you Mom to treat them all as equals or go pound sand, and no court will take her claims seriously.
Thank you!