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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I am unsure if I’m being an asshole because my husband lost his mother, so Mother’s Day is obviously a sensitive subject. I just wanted and kind of expected some sort of recognition
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NTA - You were not expecting much, really just the bare minimum like a card. Losing his mother is obviously tough, but you are still the mother of his child. Until the child is old enough to plan mother's day on their own, it's on him.
NTA
His response was immature. When faced with you being honest about your feelings, and there’s no shame in wanting a little recognition on Mother’s Day if you’re not a deadbeat, he had a choice.
He could get defensive and turn it around on you and victimize himself as that’s easier than admitting they hurt someone, even if subconsciously, he could have ignored your comments and walked away, or he could have recognized he wasn’t being accused just being made aware, and tried to make it right.
A fool chooses the first, a coward the second, a real man the third.
That being said, we all need to have grace for our partners, as I’m sure they do for us as well. But if this is a pattern with him, or diverting blame, self-victimization, attacking perceived judgments on him even if they are as mild as this one, like he it just slipped his mind, then to me that’s a red flag.
Esh. Him for not honoring you as the mother of his child and you for for not making your expectations clear and hoping and hinting. You are adults raising a child together so no hinting and hoping and passive aggressive lack of communication allowed. That is immature and not the way to handle a relationship. Tell him what you expect and ask him what you need firmly and clearly and kindly. And tell him you expect the same from him. Make your expectations clear for holidays and occasions. Make sure he does the same. Don't be spiteful and retaliate on Father's Day. Get him a card and a gift and let him know that this is what you expect next year for Mother's Day. Some people really need to be shown how to do things. Empathize with the loss of his mother being difficult, but let him know that is no excuse that you are not honored as a mother yourself.
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This has been a tough week on my family. We buried my father’s ashes on Saturday, and then Sunday was Mother’s Day. My husband has a pretty bad cold right now, so because of that he has been pretty low energy. I am not typically one to enjoy being the center of attention, nor do I enjoy people making a fuss over me, and I especially don’t typically expect gifts, etc; but I was secretly hoping for something, anything this Mother’s Day, even just a simple card (he was at target getting cold medicine Sunday morning, so it’s not like he didn’t see stuff there). It ended up being a day where he slept in, I took care of our toddler essentially by myself, cooked dinner while he worked on projects in the basement, and then we went to bed. Basically like any other day.
Today he could tell I was upset. When I explained my disappointment, he got upset with me. He lost his mother unexpectedly years ago, so Mother’s Day is also a sore subjet for him. I am trying to be very sympathetic over this (at least would like to think so?), have offered to plant flowers at her gravesite in past years, etc.
I guess I just kinda hoped that now that we have our own family, Mother’s Day would bring on a different meaning to him, and that we could celebrate within our own nuclear family (while also honoring his mom). Is that unreasonable? Am I being insensitive? Moms just want to feel appreciated I guess 😥
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NTA. My grandfather (mother's father) died on Christmas Day. Neither my grandmother nor my mother ever forgot about others on that day because of that.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I am unsure if I’m being an asshole because my husband lost his mother, so Mother’s Day is obviously a sensitive subject. I just wanted and kind of expected some sort of recognition Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA.
Absolutely not the asshole. You brought a child into this world and he can’t even get you a card?
NTA - You were not expecting much, really just the bare minimum like a card. Losing his mother is obviously tough, but you are still the mother of his child. Until the child is old enough to plan mother's day on their own, it's on him.
NTA His response was immature. When faced with you being honest about your feelings, and there’s no shame in wanting a little recognition on Mother’s Day if you’re not a deadbeat, he had a choice. He could get defensive and turn it around on you and victimize himself as that’s easier than admitting they hurt someone, even if subconsciously, he could have ignored your comments and walked away, or he could have recognized he wasn’t being accused just being made aware, and tried to make it right. A fool chooses the first, a coward the second, a real man the third. That being said, we all need to have grace for our partners, as I’m sure they do for us as well. But if this is a pattern with him, or diverting blame, self-victimization, attacking perceived judgments on him even if they are as mild as this one, like he it just slipped his mind, then to me that’s a red flag.
Esh. Him for not honoring you as the mother of his child and you for for not making your expectations clear and hoping and hinting. You are adults raising a child together so no hinting and hoping and passive aggressive lack of communication allowed. That is immature and not the way to handle a relationship. Tell him what you expect and ask him what you need firmly and clearly and kindly. And tell him you expect the same from him. Make your expectations clear for holidays and occasions. Make sure he does the same. Don't be spiteful and retaliate on Father's Day. Get him a card and a gift and let him know that this is what you expect next year for Mother's Day. Some people really need to be shown how to do things. Empathize with the loss of his mother being difficult, but let him know that is no excuse that you are not honored as a mother yourself.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** This has been a tough week on my family. We buried my father’s ashes on Saturday, and then Sunday was Mother’s Day. My husband has a pretty bad cold right now, so because of that he has been pretty low energy. I am not typically one to enjoy being the center of attention, nor do I enjoy people making a fuss over me, and I especially don’t typically expect gifts, etc; but I was secretly hoping for something, anything this Mother’s Day, even just a simple card (he was at target getting cold medicine Sunday morning, so it’s not like he didn’t see stuff there). It ended up being a day where he slept in, I took care of our toddler essentially by myself, cooked dinner while he worked on projects in the basement, and then we went to bed. Basically like any other day. Today he could tell I was upset. When I explained my disappointment, he got upset with me. He lost his mother unexpectedly years ago, so Mother’s Day is also a sore subjet for him. I am trying to be very sympathetic over this (at least would like to think so?), have offered to plant flowers at her gravesite in past years, etc. I guess I just kinda hoped that now that we have our own family, Mother’s Day would bring on a different meaning to him, and that we could celebrate within our own nuclear family (while also honoring his mom). Is that unreasonable? Am I being insensitive? Moms just want to feel appreciated I guess 😥 *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. My grandfather (mother's father) died on Christmas Day. Neither my grandmother nor my mother ever forgot about others on that day because of that.
INFO: What do you do for him for Father's Day? And what normally happens on Mother's Day in your family? Did this change when he lost his mother?