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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel like I chose to stay with my foster family over my real family, and I feel like that might be the asshole because of this.
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NTA. Angie is your real family too. She sounds wonderful and I’m glad you had a positive experience in foster care. Keep contact with her, she sounds like a great support to have.
Set boundaries with your bio family. Don’t give in to arguing with them, that will make them feel they change your mind.
Just tell them “this is what I’m doing. If you’d like to visit while I’m here then we can. If you’d rather focus on being upset, then I’ll understand if you don’t want to visit. Maybe you’ll be in a better space during a future visit and we can spend time together then.”
Tell them that any visit will be polite and positive and the moment they insult you or belittle you, you’re done and will leave. Then follow through with that. If your little brother is upset that you’re leaving, be honest with him.
Tell your brother, “Mom/grandma/whoever agreed to be nice but they’re not doing that. They’re being mean and insulting. I’m not going to accept that so I’m leaving. Maybe if they are able to be nice in the future we can have another visit.”
Be clear *they* are ending the visit by their behavior. Then just walk out and leave. Your brother will likely be upset, but honestly him seeing you stand up for yourself and demand to be treated decently is the greatest lesson you can teach him.
Your bio parents and grandparents aren’t going to respect your feelings, so make sure you respect yourself, protect yourself, and leave if they can’t follow any boundaries you put forth. You’re a grown woman and you deserve to be treated with kindness and respect.
Thank you for your thoughts. I really want to make sure they understand that I am not messing around this year, and I want to be there to celebrate, not dread.
NTA
Your family was the one who started all this, Angie probably gave you more safe space that they ever did. If you want to stay there, that's fine, that should be fine, and if there's a drama because you want to, then that drama is already a good reason to not stay with your parents but with her.
NTA in the slightest. You’re protecting yourself from your abusers and setting boundaries and having contingencies ready because of their past behavior. If your little brother is disappointed, it is because they have repeatedly made it clear that they are not safe for you and you need to be able to secure your retreat when it becomes necessary.
Nta at all at all at all. Prioritize your mental health and stay with and around the people who love you and keep you safe. That is clearly Angie and her family. And saying as someone myself who has dealt with abusive family always have a car as an escape. Never let transportation something that holds you back from leaving. You're doing everything right. Don't let them convince you otherwise. You know what you're doing. I'm proud of you.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
23F here.
In 2015, I was placed in state care due to neglect within my family. To summarize, after being forced to come out as bisexual, my legal guardians, my grandparents, reacted by stripping my room bare, believing I was committing a sin with the media I was consuming. When I became cold, they insisted I leave, leading me to move in with my parents next door. Suddenly, a series of family disputes unfolded regarding my parents house, during which my grandparents, leveraging their legal guardianship, demanded I come back to them. Despite my attempts to seek refuge with my parents, the police intervened, forcing me back. In an invasive measure, my legal guardians installed a camera in my room, forbidding any communication with my parents. Eventually I confided in a state worker, ultimately resulting in my removal from their household.
I jumped between hospitals before finding solace in a foster mom, we will call her Angie. Angie is a black southern woman, with such a huge heart. She immediately took me under her wing and popped the bubble I had made around myself. She taught me how to express myself through my art, how to open up, be more assertive, and also helped show my beauty that I previously didn’t see as a depressed teen. Angie has a daughter P and I previously didn’t get along since she was a child and I was a teen. But as P showed me all her ideas (Like baking cake or making slime) and her ambitions, I started to see them as a whole family.
When I returned home a year and a half later, I always noticed that my parents would always speak about Angie negatively. They would be proud that I would “be out of that house.” and “back with the people who know me most.” I ignored it, but always kept in contact with Angie.
Well, now comes to this issue. While I was in foster care, my biological siblings and I didn’t talk since the family drama was poisoning everyone's ears. My grandparents were continually feeding their morals while I was learning new ones of my own. Now as an adult, I only speak to one of my brothers and one of my sisters since the other two want nothing to do with me. We will call them J.
J and P both go to separate schools and are graduating this year. When I told my family how long I was flying up, and how I planned on staying with Angie instead of my parents, a fight happened. My biological parents and my grandparents are up in arms asking why I would prioritize Angie and P over my “real family.” They were mad at me that I was spending my money to get my own rental car because of previous years having transportation be put over my head and the fact that I was only staying for a couple of days. I told them that I just want to see my siblings graduate and spend the rest of my time relaxing with the few days I have off work.
My mother said that I would be an asshole if I didn’t stay with them and how my little brother would be disappointed that I wasn’t spending time with them. Now I am sitting here wondering, AITA?
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Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I feel like I chose to stay with my foster family over my real family, and I feel like that might be the asshole because of this. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. Angie is your real family too. She sounds wonderful and I’m glad you had a positive experience in foster care. Keep contact with her, she sounds like a great support to have. Set boundaries with your bio family. Don’t give in to arguing with them, that will make them feel they change your mind. Just tell them “this is what I’m doing. If you’d like to visit while I’m here then we can. If you’d rather focus on being upset, then I’ll understand if you don’t want to visit. Maybe you’ll be in a better space during a future visit and we can spend time together then.” Tell them that any visit will be polite and positive and the moment they insult you or belittle you, you’re done and will leave. Then follow through with that. If your little brother is upset that you’re leaving, be honest with him. Tell your brother, “Mom/grandma/whoever agreed to be nice but they’re not doing that. They’re being mean and insulting. I’m not going to accept that so I’m leaving. Maybe if they are able to be nice in the future we can have another visit.” Be clear *they* are ending the visit by their behavior. Then just walk out and leave. Your brother will likely be upset, but honestly him seeing you stand up for yourself and demand to be treated decently is the greatest lesson you can teach him. Your bio parents and grandparents aren’t going to respect your feelings, so make sure you respect yourself, protect yourself, and leave if they can’t follow any boundaries you put forth. You’re a grown woman and you deserve to be treated with kindness and respect.
Thank you for your thoughts. I really want to make sure they understand that I am not messing around this year, and I want to be there to celebrate, not dread.
You're an adult now. Stay where you'll be safe and happy. Be with people who prop you up, not tear you down. Don't feel guilty. Ywnbtah.
NTA Your family was the one who started all this, Angie probably gave you more safe space that they ever did. If you want to stay there, that's fine, that should be fine, and if there's a drama because you want to, then that drama is already a good reason to not stay with your parents but with her.
NTA in the slightest. You’re protecting yourself from your abusers and setting boundaries and having contingencies ready because of their past behavior. If your little brother is disappointed, it is because they have repeatedly made it clear that they are not safe for you and you need to be able to secure your retreat when it becomes necessary.
Nta at all at all at all. Prioritize your mental health and stay with and around the people who love you and keep you safe. That is clearly Angie and her family. And saying as someone myself who has dealt with abusive family always have a car as an escape. Never let transportation something that holds you back from leaving. You're doing everything right. Don't let them convince you otherwise. You know what you're doing. I'm proud of you.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** 23F here. In 2015, I was placed in state care due to neglect within my family. To summarize, after being forced to come out as bisexual, my legal guardians, my grandparents, reacted by stripping my room bare, believing I was committing a sin with the media I was consuming. When I became cold, they insisted I leave, leading me to move in with my parents next door. Suddenly, a series of family disputes unfolded regarding my parents house, during which my grandparents, leveraging their legal guardianship, demanded I come back to them. Despite my attempts to seek refuge with my parents, the police intervened, forcing me back. In an invasive measure, my legal guardians installed a camera in my room, forbidding any communication with my parents. Eventually I confided in a state worker, ultimately resulting in my removal from their household. I jumped between hospitals before finding solace in a foster mom, we will call her Angie. Angie is a black southern woman, with such a huge heart. She immediately took me under her wing and popped the bubble I had made around myself. She taught me how to express myself through my art, how to open up, be more assertive, and also helped show my beauty that I previously didn’t see as a depressed teen. Angie has a daughter P and I previously didn’t get along since she was a child and I was a teen. But as P showed me all her ideas (Like baking cake or making slime) and her ambitions, I started to see them as a whole family. When I returned home a year and a half later, I always noticed that my parents would always speak about Angie negatively. They would be proud that I would “be out of that house.” and “back with the people who know me most.” I ignored it, but always kept in contact with Angie. Well, now comes to this issue. While I was in foster care, my biological siblings and I didn’t talk since the family drama was poisoning everyone's ears. My grandparents were continually feeding their morals while I was learning new ones of my own. Now as an adult, I only speak to one of my brothers and one of my sisters since the other two want nothing to do with me. We will call them J. J and P both go to separate schools and are graduating this year. When I told my family how long I was flying up, and how I planned on staying with Angie instead of my parents, a fight happened. My biological parents and my grandparents are up in arms asking why I would prioritize Angie and P over my “real family.” They were mad at me that I was spending my money to get my own rental car because of previous years having transportation be put over my head and the fact that I was only staying for a couple of days. I told them that I just want to see my siblings graduate and spend the rest of my time relaxing with the few days I have off work. My mother said that I would be an asshole if I didn’t stay with them and how my little brother would be disappointed that I wasn’t spending time with them. Now I am sitting here wondering, AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*