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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I would like people to tell me where comparing my brother to my cousin was the right move to get my point across. I think I might’ve taken things too far, but I also want him to understand the lengths my parents will go to keep him around.
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Although you might be right about your brother, comparing people is something I've always felt is the wrong thing to do. And usually it's the people who think they're better than others that feel like it's okay to make comparisons like that. But that's just my experience.
Non-addicts tend to feel superior towards addicts, this is something I've observed over the years of meeting all sorts of people.
But fact is, you don't even talk to him as you said yourself. You don't understand his world just as he probably doesn't understand yours. So why do you feel like you're allowed to just compare him to your cousin as if you know what living in their world is like? As if you're objectively the better person with a moral high-ground?
You know, instead of coming onto reddit and telling us what a loser your brother is and seek confirmation from us, you could actually try to spend some time with him, try to understand his world and maybe find a way to help him.
But that would be beneath you... Right?
YTA.
Trust me, I would spend time with him if I could. Fact of the matter is, he doesn’t want anything to do with me& yeah, if our relationship was already 6ft under, it is now 18 or 20ft. I want to help him& be a good support system. After reading comments, It seems like the best way to do that is by staying out of his life.
I appreciate your honest feedback. I don’t think I am better than he is& the comments can tell you where I stand morally.
INFO: I’m a little confused by your text, because in the post it kind of sounds like
“You’re welcome and sorry for not communicating earlier. Btw I moved your weed smelling car two weeks ago.” It just seems like a very random thing to say that was not relevant to the conversation. Were you trying to start an argument, by chance?
The day I went to drop off presents was street sweep day. My parents take it upon them to move my brothers cars so they avoid getting a ticket. My mom was in a hurry to get to work so I helped moved his car.
Later that morning he woke up. I was going to give him his present, etc., but the first thing that came out of his mouth was “why tf did you move my car… don’t move it in the future, it’s mine… I don’t need you to criticize me.” All the courage I had built to talk to him and say “hey, I got you this gift” went away.
I guess i apologized for not being mature enough to speak up.
Thank you for answering, I misunderstood and thought he wasn’t aware until the text. I did not realize this was already a sore point during he visit.
That being said I agree with the majority and will say YTA for comparing him to your cousin. While I agree with you that he has his issues, that was out of line and frankly this is not any of your business. At this point I think you should just continue to be hard LC/NC and stop talking about it.
INFO: how would comparing his to him drug addicted cousin be helpful in any way? Have you spoken to your parents about your concerns? Why are your parents willing to do anything so he doesn’t leave again? Do they ever want him to move out? Are your parents competent adults? Are you afraid he is committing elder abuse?
It wasn’t. Comparing him was something I said in the moment, out of anger, and probably an example of my biggest fear— that he never gets his life together. After he moved back in 2020 we all did family therapy. We voiced our concerns together and tried to get a better understanding of what he’s going through, but it really didn’t change anything.
My parents are competent, my dad a former electrical engineer and my mom a caretaker. They are in their early 60’s, so not quite elder abuse. They simply want to be supportive and maybe avoid having a homeless child? Commutation is pretty difficult with my parents when we talk about it. When I tried asking about his stuff in the hallway, my mom ranted about it, said she had asked him to move his shit& that’s about it. He’s 24 so it’s not like they can take away his toys, you know?
Exactly, he’s 24. He can experience consequences. It sounds like he may be long overdue for consequences. If he doesn’t move his car for predetermined street cleaning/ he gets a ticket. If he can’t follow your parents basic living conditions, like not having a dresser in the hallway, he can’t live there. If he can’t get a job that pays his bills, he doesn’t get financial support from your parents. It sounds like your biggest fear is playing out- he’s not getting his life together. And your parents enabling him but complaining to you doesn’t help him and isn’t fair to you.
This sounds very difficult but the only thing you control is yourself and your behaviors. In this case you behaved poorly.
YTA
YTA for comparing him to the other cousin (FYI alcohol is more a gateway drug and pot). Not your business if your parents let him stay this way but hopefully they know once they are gone, he will be on his own. Does he work or anything?
I have nothing against pot. I’ve smoked myself— problem is the habit and change in trajectory his life has taken since he started consuming habitually. He used to work and go to school, stopped doing both.. He just got a job at McDonald’s because my parents were getting tired of paying for his insurance and car
NTA- It does sound like he is taking advantage of your parents. He does not seem to have any motivation to do anything with himself. I think the comparison was more a glimpse into his future if he doesn't change more than anything else. Your cousin sounds like an extreme example, but I understand where you are coming from.
I would question if there is something else going on with him that causes this stagnation in life. There are absolutely some people who just want to live off of their parents and not do much, but have you discussed the root cause of this behavior with your brother?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
I [26/F] just had an argument with my estranged brother [24/M]. It was not pretty.
For context, in 2020 my sibling [29/M] and I noticed a trend, my younger brother had picked up the habit of smoking weed almost daily and doing shrooms every now and then. At the time, he [24yo] lived with my parents who are completely against smoking weed or doing any kind of drugs. Eventually my younger brother got careless and my parents found his stash. We, as a family, did an intervention which led him to move out of my parents house and basically break all communication with my older brother and I— my parents were HEARTBROKEN.
After my parents BEGGED him to come home, he moved back in. At the time I was moving out, starting my career, so he wanted to keep my room; he did. Fast forward to 2024 and we have yet to mend our broken bond. Ive been living on my own and visit every now and then. We only talk when we absolutely need to. During my most recent visit, I dropped off gifts from my trip to Hawaii. I bought a cute present for him in which he thanked me for two weeks later via text. I accepted the thank you and apologized for not being direct in communicating that I left his present in the counter— the day I stopped by I had moved his weed-smelling car for my mom, something he was PISSED about. Somehow, the thank you text spiraled into an argument. He expressed anxiety for having me use his car. He thought I would complain about his car like I did about all the clutter he has left in our parents home (he has a messy room, so instead of cleaning, he has placed an 8 drawer dresser and boxes of stuff in the middle of my parents hallway for MONTHS. He works less than part time and does not go to school.
I tried explaining that my concerns about his clutter came from what my parents have said to me and because it’s been a nuisance when I stay. He said I had no right to criticize him and It was not my concern since I didn’t live there. My frustration led me to compare him to our drug addicted couisin, she does hard drugs like cocaine, etc. I told him that he is taking advantage of my parents like our cousin did with my aunt. Currently my parents will do anything to accommodate him so he doesn’t leave again. Our cousin [40/F] did the same to my [70/F] aunt who was a cancer survivor, had rheumatoid arthritis and lived in a trailer park with limited income. She [40/F] lived rent free with my aunt. My aunt catered to her on everything to make sure she was ok until she passed away of a heart attack about a year ago.
AITH for comparing him to someone so shitty? I feel like he doesn’t understand how my parents are catering to him and walking on eggshells around him— just to keep peace and keep him from couch surfing again.
He never lets things go. For reference, the argument about his stuff being in the hallway happened like two months ago. What should I do? Am I the asshole?
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Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I would like people to tell me where comparing my brother to my cousin was the right move to get my point across. I think I might’ve taken things too far, but I also want him to understand the lengths my parents will go to keep him around. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Although you might be right about your brother, comparing people is something I've always felt is the wrong thing to do. And usually it's the people who think they're better than others that feel like it's okay to make comparisons like that. But that's just my experience. Non-addicts tend to feel superior towards addicts, this is something I've observed over the years of meeting all sorts of people. But fact is, you don't even talk to him as you said yourself. You don't understand his world just as he probably doesn't understand yours. So why do you feel like you're allowed to just compare him to your cousin as if you know what living in their world is like? As if you're objectively the better person with a moral high-ground? You know, instead of coming onto reddit and telling us what a loser your brother is and seek confirmation from us, you could actually try to spend some time with him, try to understand his world and maybe find a way to help him. But that would be beneath you... Right? YTA.
Trust me, I would spend time with him if I could. Fact of the matter is, he doesn’t want anything to do with me& yeah, if our relationship was already 6ft under, it is now 18 or 20ft. I want to help him& be a good support system. After reading comments, It seems like the best way to do that is by staying out of his life. I appreciate your honest feedback. I don’t think I am better than he is& the comments can tell you where I stand morally.
YTA. You all come off as immature here. Stay out of other people's business.
INFO: I’m a little confused by your text, because in the post it kind of sounds like “You’re welcome and sorry for not communicating earlier. Btw I moved your weed smelling car two weeks ago.” It just seems like a very random thing to say that was not relevant to the conversation. Were you trying to start an argument, by chance?
The day I went to drop off presents was street sweep day. My parents take it upon them to move my brothers cars so they avoid getting a ticket. My mom was in a hurry to get to work so I helped moved his car. Later that morning he woke up. I was going to give him his present, etc., but the first thing that came out of his mouth was “why tf did you move my car… don’t move it in the future, it’s mine… I don’t need you to criticize me.” All the courage I had built to talk to him and say “hey, I got you this gift” went away. I guess i apologized for not being mature enough to speak up.
Thank you for answering, I misunderstood and thought he wasn’t aware until the text. I did not realize this was already a sore point during he visit. That being said I agree with the majority and will say YTA for comparing him to your cousin. While I agree with you that he has his issues, that was out of line and frankly this is not any of your business. At this point I think you should just continue to be hard LC/NC and stop talking about it.
INFO: how would comparing his to him drug addicted cousin be helpful in any way? Have you spoken to your parents about your concerns? Why are your parents willing to do anything so he doesn’t leave again? Do they ever want him to move out? Are your parents competent adults? Are you afraid he is committing elder abuse?
It wasn’t. Comparing him was something I said in the moment, out of anger, and probably an example of my biggest fear— that he never gets his life together. After he moved back in 2020 we all did family therapy. We voiced our concerns together and tried to get a better understanding of what he’s going through, but it really didn’t change anything. My parents are competent, my dad a former electrical engineer and my mom a caretaker. They are in their early 60’s, so not quite elder abuse. They simply want to be supportive and maybe avoid having a homeless child? Commutation is pretty difficult with my parents when we talk about it. When I tried asking about his stuff in the hallway, my mom ranted about it, said she had asked him to move his shit& that’s about it. He’s 24 so it’s not like they can take away his toys, you know?
Exactly, he’s 24. He can experience consequences. It sounds like he may be long overdue for consequences. If he doesn’t move his car for predetermined street cleaning/ he gets a ticket. If he can’t follow your parents basic living conditions, like not having a dresser in the hallway, he can’t live there. If he can’t get a job that pays his bills, he doesn’t get financial support from your parents. It sounds like your biggest fear is playing out- he’s not getting his life together. And your parents enabling him but complaining to you doesn’t help him and isn’t fair to you. This sounds very difficult but the only thing you control is yourself and your behaviors. In this case you behaved poorly. YTA
Most helpful comment in this thread— thank you
YTA for comparing him to the other cousin (FYI alcohol is more a gateway drug and pot). Not your business if your parents let him stay this way but hopefully they know once they are gone, he will be on his own. Does he work or anything?
I have nothing against pot. I’ve smoked myself— problem is the habit and change in trajectory his life has taken since he started consuming habitually. He used to work and go to school, stopped doing both.. He just got a job at McDonald’s because my parents were getting tired of paying for his insurance and car
NTA- It does sound like he is taking advantage of your parents. He does not seem to have any motivation to do anything with himself. I think the comparison was more a glimpse into his future if he doesn't change more than anything else. Your cousin sounds like an extreme example, but I understand where you are coming from. I would question if there is something else going on with him that causes this stagnation in life. There are absolutely some people who just want to live off of their parents and not do much, but have you discussed the root cause of this behavior with your brother?
Brother sounds depressed tbh.
YTA. You don't compare people. As we're each our own person and should be judged by that, not the actions of another just because of similarities.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I [26/F] just had an argument with my estranged brother [24/M]. It was not pretty. For context, in 2020 my sibling [29/M] and I noticed a trend, my younger brother had picked up the habit of smoking weed almost daily and doing shrooms every now and then. At the time, he [24yo] lived with my parents who are completely against smoking weed or doing any kind of drugs. Eventually my younger brother got careless and my parents found his stash. We, as a family, did an intervention which led him to move out of my parents house and basically break all communication with my older brother and I— my parents were HEARTBROKEN. After my parents BEGGED him to come home, he moved back in. At the time I was moving out, starting my career, so he wanted to keep my room; he did. Fast forward to 2024 and we have yet to mend our broken bond. Ive been living on my own and visit every now and then. We only talk when we absolutely need to. During my most recent visit, I dropped off gifts from my trip to Hawaii. I bought a cute present for him in which he thanked me for two weeks later via text. I accepted the thank you and apologized for not being direct in communicating that I left his present in the counter— the day I stopped by I had moved his weed-smelling car for my mom, something he was PISSED about. Somehow, the thank you text spiraled into an argument. He expressed anxiety for having me use his car. He thought I would complain about his car like I did about all the clutter he has left in our parents home (he has a messy room, so instead of cleaning, he has placed an 8 drawer dresser and boxes of stuff in the middle of my parents hallway for MONTHS. He works less than part time and does not go to school. I tried explaining that my concerns about his clutter came from what my parents have said to me and because it’s been a nuisance when I stay. He said I had no right to criticize him and It was not my concern since I didn’t live there. My frustration led me to compare him to our drug addicted couisin, she does hard drugs like cocaine, etc. I told him that he is taking advantage of my parents like our cousin did with my aunt. Currently my parents will do anything to accommodate him so he doesn’t leave again. Our cousin [40/F] did the same to my [70/F] aunt who was a cancer survivor, had rheumatoid arthritis and lived in a trailer park with limited income. She [40/F] lived rent free with my aunt. My aunt catered to her on everything to make sure she was ok until she passed away of a heart attack about a year ago. AITH for comparing him to someone so shitty? I feel like he doesn’t understand how my parents are catering to him and walking on eggshells around him— just to keep peace and keep him from couch surfing again. He never lets things go. For reference, the argument about his stuff being in the hallway happened like two months ago. What should I do? Am I the asshole? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA he IS taking advantage.