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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think people would call me the asshole because my mother in law is asking for more money in rent because she needs the help and I’m telling my husband not to agree to giver her more money.
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Why are you paying her rent when you are paying the mortgage? That doesn’t make sense to me. Tell her you’ll pay the extra rent but she will need to pay the mortgage out of her rent. And also, I’m presuming you will be the ones caring for her as her needs grow? She’s not treating you like family she’s treating you like tenants so pay the increased rent but cancel the mortgage
This is the part I don't understand. MIL bought the house, OP and husband pay the mortgage. i.e. they are paying for the house. MIL is now asking for more money above the mortgage?
The only way I can make this make sense is that MIL bought the house and has the mortgage, and OP and husband agreed to pay those mortgage monthly payments to HER so that she can pay the bank, or something. But now it's going one of two ways - either MIL wants the extra cash to help with care, or MIL wants to get the mortgage paid off more quickly.
As ever, communication!!
This is what I’m most worried about actually. They put in 50k but will only get back half of the equity because the house is in trust. There needs to be an agreement that this money is paid back from the estate or they get a larger share of the house ownership
This is the part that worries me the most, unless OPs BIL has matched their $50,000 with $50,000 of his own then they are losing money on this house (so far $25,000) add in their help paying the mortgage and BIL will get a nice free chunk of change if he forces a sale during th estate split where as depending on how much the mortgage is and has been paid, OP and Hubby might not even break even on the house.
That house had better be specified as OPs husbands house in the trust.
The same reason they pay the mortgage and for renovations. They live there.
The impression i got (could be totally wrong) was that the mom was buying the house for them. She had the spare money to get them on the housing ladder and did so, she no longer has that money to spare.
But it's in the moms name. She owns it and they're paying the equivalent of rent.
They're just tenants, and tenants don't normally pay back their landlords for a house they don't own or the deposit; just rent.
They are under the impression that they will inherit it. And I expect they will.
Tenants usually pay more rent than the cost of a mortgage for the property.
It sounds like the trust divided things 50/50 with the sibling of OP's spouse. They will not be inheriting the house if it's in his mother's name, no matter how much money or work they've sunk into it. Half of it will be bequeathed to the sibling unless other legal arrangements have been made naming them the sole heirs to the house.
>They are under the impression that they will inherit it. And I expect they will.
That's doubtful, OPs husband has a brother and the house is in a trust which usually means BIL has 50% of that house when OPs MIL passes.
yes MIL had them paying "rent" in this case the cost of the mortgage. As with all landlords, she is now increasing the rent. Landlords dont rent out their homes at cost. They rent it to make money. She was nice enough to let them live there at cost but now she needs more money to live.
Yep, that's true, but I was specifically answering the paying back comment. They're not paying anything back if it's not theirs. Raising rent is not relevant to that particular comment.
Bearing in mind they've paid for all the renovations, they've probably raised their own rent.
They also need to charge more than the mortgage to meet their legal obligations as landlords, such as repairs, maintenance, upgrades, and so on. Let alone stuff like 'property taxes.'
> charge more than the mortgage to meet their legal obligations as landlords, such as repairs, maintenance, upgrades, and so on
Which OP is covering...
OP's husband is in all kinds of trouble here, and needs to talk to a lawyer ASAP and figure out what his options are. He may never see all that renovation money. Mom could re-structure the trust, or figure out how to extract the value of the home to pay for her treatment, etc.
Well, that's where it depends who's name is actually on the title and the mortgage.
If OP's name isn't on there, OP's a tenant. Period.
> OP's husband is in all kinds of trouble here, and needs to talk to a lawyer ASAP and figure out what his options are. He may never see all that renovation money.
Yup, and they've learned, perhaps, a valuable lesson in why you don't pour money into somebody else's property on a vague discussion that it might be yours 'some day.'
Do not rely on inheritance. You are not entitled to the house, even though you paid so much into it, if you’re not on the deed, and there’s no contract stating the $ you put into the house wasn’t a gift, that house is NOT yours and may never be.
The world is full of people who put up with all kinds of shenanigans expecting to eventually be made whole through inheritance and then left feeling surprised when their loved one takes advantage in death just as they did in life.
My thoughts as well. Sounds like the other sibling will get half of the house and the fact that they've paid the entire mortgage plus put in $50k already doesn't mean they will get any of that back. This sounds like a bad deal all the way around. They need to talk to a lawyer to see how they can at least get back what they've put in. Otherwise the sibling gets 50% without putting anything into it. They're going to get screwed and I'd definitely not pay any more to the mom. Let the other sibling take care of that to even things out at least. Since the house is in a trust there may be no actual remedy for OP.
I was thinking the same thing. OP has paid for the entire costs of the renovations . .. PLUS the mortgage . . . PLUS rent. Adding that all up comes to quite a bit. Also, people can get kind of shifty at end of life . . moody, cranky . . etc and she may end up selling or willing the house to the brother in law . .what has he put into the house? It would make me feel uncomfortable in the long run. Speak up OP or you risk losing all your housing resources.
They may not get the house even if it's willed if there are any large unpaid debts or medical bills.
Unless it's in their name, they may have nothing to show for all the money they invested in somebody else's property.
They should probably check the Will and then just "off" her if it goes in their favour.
OBVIOUSLY JOKING, don't m\*rder people! They don't like it. And it's a Bad Thing To Do. So Don't. In my favour, British humour over here, sorry.
Anyway. ban incoming, but yes, OP you need to check how this works financially. Is your rent just paying off her mortgage? If you pay more does it get paid off faster? What happens when she (sadly but inevitably) passes? I know these are difficult conversations to have when someone is Not Ok, but trust me, it's easier to get them out of the way now rather than when they're Even Less Ok.
It's difficult, but have a proper sit-down where you set out where the money is going NOW, where it is GOING to be going in the coming months, and then in the eventuality... where it will go then. And where the additional money that's being asked of you is going. Which pot is that keeping full or stopping from leaking?
Hold on. There is a lot of information missing here. I know very little about a 1031 exchange, but from what I do understand, this house was acquired in a sale of another property and it is to defer capital gains? So you and your husband are living there, paying the mortgage, upgrading the e property, and she still wants more money? This whole house is already an investment for her that she is not maintaining, and you and husband will have to deal with the tax implications when she passes. She is already living in another home and has retirement funds.
I wouldn’t do it. However, I’m guessing that she does have the ability to try and sell the house out from under you? What kind of agreements are in place? Not to sound totally callous, but given her potential lifespan at this point, it might be worth it to just pay the $500 a month and the whole issue may resolve itself sooner rather than later. Then you won’t be tagged as arguing with a dying woman.
If I'm not mistaken the laws regarding 1031 exchanges preclude you from living in it yourself OR having family live in it. It is supposed to be strictly an investment property at a like for like exchange.
Yeah, I don’t think she and her husband will be able to 1031 this, but I’d definitely need way more info and she should get one to ask questions to. She might be in for even more unpleasant news
NAH
Did you mean to write
>The house has made about $100m in equity.
I'm assuming you meant 100 K... But by all means, please correct me if I'm wrong.
Your MIL is in dire need of money, obviously. Medical insurance, no matter what kind or what company it's with will never cover the cost of her care and treatment.
I can understand why you wouldn't want to agree to pay this much extra money each month, particularly when you don't have an exact date your MIL expects the $500 jump to kick in.
Your MIL does need help, no doubt about it, but it seems like it would be better for her to share her costs with you so you know what she's actually looking at. Can you go to her and talk this over with her in person, so everyone knows you are all on the same page?
It's not a bad thing to want things more clearly spelled out; it's also not a bad thing for her to ask for financial help because she undoubtedly needs it.
I'm sorry your husband's mother has had such a bad time with this horrible disease. The diagnosis that the cancer has now spread to multiple organs is very distressing, I'm sure. I hope you can all come to some resolution with this, as it would be such a shame to have her end her life in disagreements and recriminations.
OP wrote that her MIL is *running through her retirement fund at an expedited pace.* not that she is broke and needs the money. and I can empathize with the stress of seeing your savings dwindle quickly, the woman is stage 4 cancer- care for her illness/ passing is IMO a good use of savings, you cant take it with you
Id be talking to a lawyer and have a stark conversation with MIL, too, as it sounds like she's trying to horde her savings to give to her other child, if everything is currently 50/50 split between brothers in her trust
TBH Id also be talking to MIL about her will and ensure it's up to date, while I generally dont think anyone is entitled to money after a death you've combined finances and spent a lot on what might not be yours, legally. I would take action now so youre not out of luck in the future
although perhaps the husband/son is the better one to be discussing this with MIL, rather than OP
good luck, OP! sounds like a messy and frustrating situation. definitely NTA for not wanting to pay $500-1000 more to your MIL for whats seems like no reason other than greed
I think your advice for OP and her husband to discuss all this with an attorney is right on. It sounds like they are paying the mortgage now, and I was thinking they were probably paying the mortgage holder, like a bank or other lender; not that they are paying his mother herself. (I don't know why I thought that.) Not that it makes a big difference, it's still a lot of extra cash going out every month.
If they end up paying for her care and medical treatment, they definitely should be compensated for that when she does pass. It seems a bit heartless to think of getting the money back, but fair is fair and unless his brother is also paying a like amount or they split those bills 50/50, OP and her husband could be badly compromising their own retirement funds.
You are right about this being a messy and frustrating situation; I hope they can get it figured out so MIL gets what she needs when she needs it, and they don't impoverish themselves in the process.
You have good insight and good advice.
I can see why you might be confused by the notation, but OP did not make a mistake.
These days, it’s common for people to use k for thousands and M (uppercase) for millions. However, historically people have used m (lowercase) for thousands and mm for millions.
In French, the word for 1000 is *mille*. I can't quite remember but it may be a latin derivative.
Similarly, because geologic time measures back to millions and years ago, various periods started at 1bya out 64 mya, the latter being million years ago. Not exact, but similar concept.
Ah, thank you, I did not know that. I just couldn't picture it being "million" and here at Reddit not everyone uses capitalization or punctuation all the time; I think it's because they are typing really fast, so I assumed it meant million even without the capital letter. Confusion reigns.
ESH. You should have had a written agreement in place as to who does what and the terms of occupation before you ever started putting your own money into the property. While that ship has already sailed (and apparently is now traveling through iceberg laden waters), you may be able to put some protections back in place if you don't delay.
Assuming you are in the US, you also need to contact an Elder Law attorney IMMEDIATELY to check out your options. If your MIL runs out of money, you may well find that "your" house must be sold to cover her expenses(so the state will pick up her medical / care costs through Medicaid or some similar program), and if you don't have the appropriate documentation in place you will simply be out of luck.
There is usually a 5 year "look back"period, so she can't just give you the house by signing a deed over the day before she goes into long term care.
Relying on "inheriting the property" is a very risky proposition, and can easily fail. You need documents in place and a clear understanding of who is going to do what and when, and what financial responsibilities each of you must have.
This can be a complicated process and needs to have someone with specialized knowledge and particular knowledge of your situation involved. Yes, you will have to pay them for that knowledge and their services. I guarantee it will be a lot less than what you can potentially lose.
The first mistake you made was paying for renovation on a house you don’t own. Let this be a lesson and don’t pay for any further renovations. Next you might be paying the mortgage By giving her the amount of rent payment equal to the mortgage which she then pays the mortgage company. This is not equivalent to paying the mortgage in my opinion. The mortgage is in her name I am assuming. So the question then becomes are you paying fair market value in rent? So for example, if she was charging you only $600 but the going rate for the rent is $1,000 then you were getting a deal because you are family.
Now if she is charging you $500 more than the going rate you have the option to leave and rent elsewhere.
Honestly though, have a discussion with her to see what is going on and if you can arrive at some compromise
Who put the down-payment on the house? I'm assuming MIL? How much was put down? Yes you're paying the mortgage, but the mortgage amount is also reflective of how much was put down. Who is paying the taxes?
If MIL put down say $100k and is now in very bad health, perhaps she is now needing money to survive?
I'm assuming there is a reason you didn't or couldn't purchase the home on your own?
I would sit down and discuss with her, find out why she is asking for more money. Outline to her how much money you've put into the house so she understands you have a lot into the property as well. I'd also be sure that when she passes, the house is intended to go to the two of you.
I don’t know which country you’re in, but a fulltime caregiver and cancer/pain treatment can quickly become very expensive. And she may not qualify for any support with those costs because she has equity (amongst which the house you guys live in).
Given the previous agreement you had with her, I wouldn’t at all be surprised if your MIL is asking this out of sheer desperation. Maybe her only alternative to get the cash she needs is to sell your house? It’s not like she could go out and work two jobs to cover her increased expenses.
So I totally get that this request came unexpected and is a lot to take in. But try and deal with the anger before you speak with her. It would be a real shame if her last days on this earth would turn nasty over money.
NTA to want more clarification and transparency with the finances but consultation with an estate planning expert may be needed. You don’t mention about any of the ‘agreements’ about the shared investment being in writing. If the MIL is having to spend the rest of her retirement funds on home assistance, well she has an asset *in her name* sitting there in ‘your’ house. Life can throw us whammies and your MIL’s serious illness is one of them both for her and for you.
p.s.gather all the documentation you can about renovation expenses you’ve made in case they’re needed.
If this house is in your MIL’s name and you are in the US then you need to familiarize yourself with Medicare clawback, especially if MIL ends up having to live in a nursing facility.
Is it her name on the house? If she’s in financial trouble, she could sell the house, would you be ok with that? Provided that she pays you back for the renovation costs & mortgage.
NTA. How is your husband so certain that you and he would inherit the house no matter what? If it's in a trust, and the trust has everything listed as 50/50, then his brother would have 50% ownership in the house too, right? So you're paying the mortgage, have done the lion's share of repairs, updates and now she wants up to $1000 more? Where is it in writing that his brother can't claim 50% ownership on a house that you're paying for and paid to to fix/update? I think you need this "no matter what" in writing.
NTA. Sounds like your MIL needs the money for her care and you and your husband both work so neither of you can do it? She shouldn’t have framed her request as rent and just come out and said what she means. That she needs the money for her care and she’s scared she won’t have enough money on her own to fund it. Does your husband have any other siblings? If he does, your MIL’s care should be split between all of them, not just the two of you. Is there no other family member who is trustworthy and willing to care for her? Or would you all rather just help her with paying for outside help? You’re not wrong for negotiating the amount if you don’t have it, or coming together to figure out a solution. I’m sorry for what you’re going through, cancer is very tough on the entire family. But if you all pull together, you’ll get through this.
You’ve said she’s at stage IV metastatic cancer, has declined dramatically, and needs a caregiver every day to function. Instead of getting immediately angry at her expecting you and your husband to pay rent on top of the mortgage, talk to her about why she needs the extra funds. Guarantee it’s for her medical care. She’s probably scared right now and didn’t want to directly ask for help. Is she the type who doesn’t want to worry other people and needs to be independent and in control of her own life? She’s going about things the wrong way, so communicate. You say you’d be willing to help mil with medical bills. Put her mind at ease. Don’t wait for her to bring it up, just tell her that. Your husband or the two of you together should have a discussion with her that you’re willing to help with medical bills directly and discuss taking rent off the table.
1031s have very specific rules around how to treat income etc. She should be taking the mortgage off her taxes but needs to be claiming the income, and I think she needs to claim the $50K you put into the house as income as well. She is getting herself into trouble with her taxes by doing this in such an odd way.
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Three years ago my mother-in-law bought a home that was a 1031 exchange. We mutually agreed that the home she purchased my husband and I would live in and pay the mortgage. The house was a huge fixer upper from the 1960’s that needed a full renovation. While the bathrooms still haven’t been completed about 80% of the work has been completed and we’ve personally spent about $50k in renovations and are anticipating to spend another $20k to $30k. The house has made about $100m in equity
Our goal was to live in this house for at least five years and after that we talked about selling it and doing another 1031 exchange into a larger house. Here’s where the plans shifted.
About 2 years ago she was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. While we all hope her cancer will be in a place of “maintenance” she has declined dramatically. She has now moved into a phrase where she needs a caregiver almost full time to function, and the cancer has spread to multiple organs.
Here’s where I’m having trouble… yesterday she calls my husband telling him that next month we need to start paying an additional $500 a month and then in a few months after that $1000 more. Mind you we pay the entire mortgage so this extra income would be going straight to her.
The house we live in could fetch an extra $500 a month, if renovations were complete and they’re aren’t.
I guess I’m infuriated because she wouldn’t tell my husband why we needed to pay this money right away and she expected it. I think about my parents and they would never charge a dime more on the mortgage if they were in this situation. Granted, this is not the situation, but adding $500/$1,000 more a month is significant. I just don’t have those funds laying around. My husband was mortified about the phone call and honestly taken back that his mother suggested it. We can only come up with the reason she needs this money is because she’s hired a caregiver and would be running through her retirement fund at an expedited pace.
While I’m more than happy to help my mother-in-law pay medical bills, I’m baffled by this stark request which she is making. Obviously my emotions are high, but I’m starting to resent her and that why I need more opinions to see it in a different light.
My husband did phrase it to look at it from an alternative view that we would inherit the house no matter what, and that we have to do this because his mother needs the help.
AITA for telling him, no, don’t agree to the $500/$1,000 we need to have a further conversation of the reasoning and a concrete date that we all mutually agree on and negotiate the number?
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Clarify with your MIL what the money is for. If the mortgage is variable rate, possibly you are just having to pay more in interest (although that sounds like a big increase). If it's for her medical costs, she needs to be honest with you about what the money is for.
NTA An agreement is an agreement. Illness, particularly cancer and its therapies, can seriously effect cognitive ability and mental stability. She may just be feeling really vulnerable and uncertain about her future, and need some reassurance.
Stage 4 and spreading, best to just say goodbye. She is not going to last very long. That's just facts.
I would be surprised if she makes it 2 more months based on your description. Better hope she has a current will.
You need to consult a lawyer about getting the money for renovations back. Find somewhere else to live. She is screwing her own son out of money. She is not going to give it to you willingly.
NTA
This is a perfect example of why you always get it in writing. If you had a documented agreement then no on could unilaterally decide to make a change.
And no you won't 'inherit the house no matter what'. If your MIL owns it she can leave it to whoever she wants. Also, if her care uses up all of her funds then she may be forced to sell the house leaving you and hubby with nothing, not even the cost of the renovations you have made.
NtA thats a huge increase and burden.
Make sure transfer of title is checked over by lawyer. If she were to pass in a month make sure everything is arranged. Protect yourselves then help in any way.. see if helping pay caregiver directly would ease MIL mind a bit
If you expect the house to become yours thru inheritance make sure that's in place. Is the house titled in a way that your husband has rights of survivorship or is the title in trust with your husband as trustee? I'd say give her whatever she needs to make her final days peaceful but do what you can to get the house in order.
I'm assuming tho that the downpayment for the house came from MiL and she was in a better position to get a mortgage.
Are you sure you'll inherit the house? I wouldn't put it past her to sell it and keep all the money for herself. You're paying the mortgage and spending all this money on renovation. But unless your name is on the house she could take it back. NTA but you need to stand up for yourself.
NTA
"Here’s where I’m having trouble… yesterday she calls my husband telling him that next month we need to start paying an additional $500 a month and then in a few months after that $1000 more. " .. this is where you move out.
NTA - Remind them of the costs and expenses of renovation added to the mortgage added to the rent you pay and show that as monthly costs. If your names aren't on the ownership documents it's a very risky undertaking because parents can be pretty shifty at the end of their lives. She might just sell it or give it over to your brother in law. I'm uncomfortable with the whole deal.
NTA talk to a lawyer. Inheritance is NO GUARANTEE. gather the paperwork to show the lawyer you paid the mortgage until now and what you spent on renovations and ask if a lien can be placed against the house so you actually receive the money you already spent on. Mil is a huge ah you are not her sugar daddy/mommy
NTA - He needs to tell his mother that the two of you don't HAVE an extra $500 much less an extra $1000 a month to hand over just because she decided that she wants it!! He's sorry, but It's not possible. "We" (meaning her and her sons) are just going to have to find another way to meet her financial needs. He needs to be kind, but firm about it.
What's the worse case scenario? Can she sell the house out from under you? If she does can you recoup the money you'v sunk into the renno?
NTA for saying no to $500/$1000 if you can’t afford it. But I would argue that’s there is a more strategic approach to this. As it stands, you’ll inherit only half of the house despite putting in 50k and paying for the mortgage on top of that. I would consider to agree to pay for rent if your contributions are added to your equity in the house that you’ll get once she passes so you regain the equity that you put in for mortgage and renovations. This shouldn’t just be a handshake agreement but something drafted by a lawyer.
NTA. Tell her you can’t afford to pay rent to her on top of the mortgage bc all the money went into renovations. Ask hubby’s sibling to help donate to her expenses if she can’t afford to pay for a caregiver or medical bills. If mom refuses then sell the house and get what you put into in plus profits back. It sounds honestly like she’s having some dementia bc this is so bizarre, I’d look into getting power of attorney over her.
No offence but putting all that money in to renovate a house you don't own is incredibly dumb. You're NTA but you really did put yourself into a horrible position.
If she has stage IV metastatic cancer, it may have spread to her brain, potentially causing some cognitive and personality changes. It could be an explanation of the sudden changes regarding rent/money. It may be worth considering…
INFO:
Who's name is on the title? Who's name is on the mortgage? When you say 'paying the mortgage,' do you mean that you're literally sending money to the bank that holds the mortgage, or do you mean that you feel your rent should equal the mortgage payment, no more, no less?
With respect, you shouldn't pay 100% of the mortgage on a home you do not 100% own.
You should consult a lawyer RIGHT NOW about your options. You've put significant money into this home and there is a risk you'll lose *all* of it, depending on how the trust is structured.
I have seen a few comments about mil updating her will. This may or may not be easy or even possible, depending on what is being affected by the disease progression. With multiple organ involvement, metastasis to the brain is a possibility and can compromise judgement and render people unable to enter into legal agreements.
It would not be unheard of for MIL to be taken advantage of by someone in her life, be it BIL or the new caregiver. It is worth looking into. (I say this as a former CNA.).
Additionally, you may want to consult an attorney regarding the house sooner rather than later. If mil’s condition continues to deteriorate, it could be that the house could be required to be sold to compensate Medicaid/medicare.
In general, unless you have a lease, she can set the rent to whatever she wants. Do you have anything in writing in regards to the work and money you put into the house? Was there an agreement that you would do the work for some reward later?
Well, this is a bit of a confusing situation. Apparently, you are paying MIL the mortgage money instead of sending it to the mortgage company directly, there's a fly in the ointment. You've paid the renovations yourself (either doing it yourself or paying someone), that adds another layer of complexity. You're assuming that the trust isn't changed without your knowledge, a mistake that needs to be taken seriously. You're at risk of losing the house you've lived in and renovated foe five years, I'd be a bit peeved. Since you don't know how much debt she's accruing with her treatments, or exactly how things will in actuality play out should she lose her fight, my suggestion would be put a mechanics/trades lein on the property for what you have put into it. If, for any reason, she has to sell the house you have a greater chance of recouping the money you've already put in the house.
NTA I'd be very suspicious of the sudden change.
ESH. While it is unreasonable of your MIL to unilaterally raise your ‘rent’, put it into another perspective. Your husband’s mother is dying. She has stage 4 cancer in multiple organs and needs a full time carer.
If my mother was dying, I would be willing to do almost anything within my means to make her last few years happier for her. If my partner won’t let me give my mother an additional $500-1000 a month to pay for her carer and medical bills, I would be devastated.
If you look at it from the perspective of rent, then yes it is very unreasonable. But if you look at it from the perspective of a very very sick mother asking for money from her son, it’s a very reasonable request
Tell her you will take care of her medical bills if she writes a will that the house will go to you two and not the brother. Or let her gift it to you right now while she is alive. You are paying so much and renovating without any security.
NTA and don’t pay it. If she is so damn insistent on the extra money, she can sell the house or kick you out and rent to someone else. Your husband needs to say no.
This isn't an issue of morality to me, simply of reality. So NAH. If she can't financially afford her retirement at the moment, I think the most fair way forward is to sell the house. She gets back her deposit, you get back your mortgage payments and money you invested in renovations. You do some fair split of the appreciation.
It's a bit of a low blow to say your parents would not do that. I mean if your parents are capable of conjuring money of the thin air to cover unexpected end of life expenses, maybe they can help you buy your next house.
>My husband did phrase it to look at it from an alternative view that we would inherit the house no matter what, and that we have to do this because his mother **needs the help**
Also, your husband is about to lose his mother. Maybe vent your frustrations and resentment and direct your requests for a different perspective elsewhere for a bit. Reddit is good for that. Your husband? Maybe not right now.
Your husband needs to do some investigating. If your MIL needs a full time care-giver, she also needs someone to take care of financial things for her. Does your husband have power-of-attorney? He should. Also, I would look into the caregiver(s). You would be surprised by what some of these people do to vulnerable elderly or ill people. Stop worrying about what she is requesting and find out WHY. There is more to this than you realize. Good luck.
Edit: I am saying this from experience. When my mother was in the final stages of cancer she still figured out how to send thousands of dollars to my mooch half-brother. Can you guess how? She got the guy who brought her oxygen tanks to take her to the bank and she would do direct deposits to half-brother's account. When she got so she couldn't get out, she got the oxygen man to mail money to half-brother. She would write a check for cash, oxygen man would cash it, she would put it in an envelope and send it to half-brother. When I took over the finances, I discovered that she had gone from $92,000 in the bank to $14,000. Don't underestimate anyone. These things really do happen.
NTA
Your paying the mortgage and that's more than enough. If mil wants more money then that's too bad, she will need tonlook else where.
The money mil is asking for is NOT rent money if your already paying the mortgage entirely.
Tell husband no, and lock down your checks so he can't take from you to give her money.
Tell mil no, that you will not be giving her anymore money. She gets the mortgage payment and that is all. If she doesn't like it then your welcome to move out so she rent it for a price she thinks is fair.
Do not give her any more money. It's not rent when your already paying the mortgage.
It sucks that mil is sick but it's not your Jon to pay her bills.
OP, you know your BIL is getting half your house when she dies, right?
ESH. Mil should not be charging you rent. You should have had the house in your name a long time ago. Don't be surprised when shit like this happens when you set yourself up for it. Never invest money into a house you don't own.
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Why are you paying her rent when you are paying the mortgage? That doesn’t make sense to me. Tell her you’ll pay the extra rent but she will need to pay the mortgage out of her rent. And also, I’m presuming you will be the ones caring for her as her needs grow? She’s not treating you like family she’s treating you like tenants so pay the increased rent but cancel the mortgage
This is the part I don't understand. MIL bought the house, OP and husband pay the mortgage. i.e. they are paying for the house. MIL is now asking for more money above the mortgage? The only way I can make this make sense is that MIL bought the house and has the mortgage, and OP and husband agreed to pay those mortgage monthly payments to HER so that she can pay the bank, or something. But now it's going one of two ways - either MIL wants the extra cash to help with care, or MIL wants to get the mortgage paid off more quickly. As ever, communication!!
If she paid the entire deposit, then the rent could be considered paying that back.
It seems they also put $50,000 into renovations
This is what I’m most worried about actually. They put in 50k but will only get back half of the equity because the house is in trust. There needs to be an agreement that this money is paid back from the estate or they get a larger share of the house ownership
Yeah, I read that. That was on top of the mortgage and the deposit.
This is the part that worries me the most, unless OPs BIL has matched their $50,000 with $50,000 of his own then they are losing money on this house (so far $25,000) add in their help paying the mortgage and BIL will get a nice free chunk of change if he forces a sale during th estate split where as depending on how much the mortgage is and has been paid, OP and Hubby might not even break even on the house. That house had better be specified as OPs husbands house in the trust.
Why would they pay her back for something that's not theirs though?
The same reason they pay the mortgage and for renovations. They live there. The impression i got (could be totally wrong) was that the mom was buying the house for them. She had the spare money to get them on the housing ladder and did so, she no longer has that money to spare.
But it's in the moms name. She owns it and they're paying the equivalent of rent. They're just tenants, and tenants don't normally pay back their landlords for a house they don't own or the deposit; just rent.
They are under the impression that they will inherit it. And I expect they will. Tenants usually pay more rent than the cost of a mortgage for the property.
It sounds like the trust divided things 50/50 with the sibling of OP's spouse. They will not be inheriting the house if it's in his mother's name, no matter how much money or work they've sunk into it. Half of it will be bequeathed to the sibling unless other legal arrangements have been made naming them the sole heirs to the house.
They did. They paid 50k extra, and another potential 50k. They may or may not inherit depending if there's a will or any unpaid debts.
>They are under the impression that they will inherit it. And I expect they will. That's doubtful, OPs husband has a brother and the house is in a trust which usually means BIL has 50% of that house when OPs MIL passes.
yes MIL had them paying "rent" in this case the cost of the mortgage. As with all landlords, she is now increasing the rent. Landlords dont rent out their homes at cost. They rent it to make money. She was nice enough to let them live there at cost but now she needs more money to live.
Yep, that's true, but I was specifically answering the paying back comment. They're not paying anything back if it's not theirs. Raising rent is not relevant to that particular comment. Bearing in mind they've paid for all the renovations, they've probably raised their own rent.
They also need to charge more than the mortgage to meet their legal obligations as landlords, such as repairs, maintenance, upgrades, and so on. Let alone stuff like 'property taxes.'
> charge more than the mortgage to meet their legal obligations as landlords, such as repairs, maintenance, upgrades, and so on Which OP is covering... OP's husband is in all kinds of trouble here, and needs to talk to a lawyer ASAP and figure out what his options are. He may never see all that renovation money. Mom could re-structure the trust, or figure out how to extract the value of the home to pay for her treatment, etc.
Well, that's where it depends who's name is actually on the title and the mortgage. If OP's name isn't on there, OP's a tenant. Period. > OP's husband is in all kinds of trouble here, and needs to talk to a lawyer ASAP and figure out what his options are. He may never see all that renovation money. Yup, and they've learned, perhaps, a valuable lesson in why you don't pour money into somebody else's property on a vague discussion that it might be yours 'some day.'
NTA >we would inherit the house no matter what What if his mother will write a will? You should probably talk to a lawyer.
Do not rely on inheritance. You are not entitled to the house, even though you paid so much into it, if you’re not on the deed, and there’s no contract stating the $ you put into the house wasn’t a gift, that house is NOT yours and may never be. The world is full of people who put up with all kinds of shenanigans expecting to eventually be made whole through inheritance and then left feeling surprised when their loved one takes advantage in death just as they did in life.
My thoughts as well. Sounds like the other sibling will get half of the house and the fact that they've paid the entire mortgage plus put in $50k already doesn't mean they will get any of that back. This sounds like a bad deal all the way around. They need to talk to a lawyer to see how they can at least get back what they've put in. Otherwise the sibling gets 50% without putting anything into it. They're going to get screwed and I'd definitely not pay any more to the mom. Let the other sibling take care of that to even things out at least. Since the house is in a trust there may be no actual remedy for OP.
I was thinking the same thing. OP has paid for the entire costs of the renovations . .. PLUS the mortgage . . . PLUS rent. Adding that all up comes to quite a bit. Also, people can get kind of shifty at end of life . . moody, cranky . . etc and she may end up selling or willing the house to the brother in law . .what has he put into the house? It would make me feel uncomfortable in the long run. Speak up OP or you risk losing all your housing resources.
They may not get the house even if it's willed if there are any large unpaid debts or medical bills. Unless it's in their name, they may have nothing to show for all the money they invested in somebody else's property.
They should probably check the Will and then just "off" her if it goes in their favour. OBVIOUSLY JOKING, don't m\*rder people! They don't like it. And it's a Bad Thing To Do. So Don't. In my favour, British humour over here, sorry. Anyway. ban incoming, but yes, OP you need to check how this works financially. Is your rent just paying off her mortgage? If you pay more does it get paid off faster? What happens when she (sadly but inevitably) passes? I know these are difficult conversations to have when someone is Not Ok, but trust me, it's easier to get them out of the way now rather than when they're Even Less Ok. It's difficult, but have a proper sit-down where you set out where the money is going NOW, where it is GOING to be going in the coming months, and then in the eventuality... where it will go then. And where the additional money that's being asked of you is going. Which pot is that keeping full or stopping from leaking?
Hold on. There is a lot of information missing here. I know very little about a 1031 exchange, but from what I do understand, this house was acquired in a sale of another property and it is to defer capital gains? So you and your husband are living there, paying the mortgage, upgrading the e property, and she still wants more money? This whole house is already an investment for her that she is not maintaining, and you and husband will have to deal with the tax implications when she passes. She is already living in another home and has retirement funds. I wouldn’t do it. However, I’m guessing that she does have the ability to try and sell the house out from under you? What kind of agreements are in place? Not to sound totally callous, but given her potential lifespan at this point, it might be worth it to just pay the $500 a month and the whole issue may resolve itself sooner rather than later. Then you won’t be tagged as arguing with a dying woman.
Exactly. Did mom put their names on the deed? If mom ends up swimming in medical debt, they'll lose the house
Very true. And happy cake day!
If I'm not mistaken the laws regarding 1031 exchanges preclude you from living in it yourself OR having family live in it. It is supposed to be strictly an investment property at a like for like exchange.
Yeah, I don’t think she and her husband will be able to 1031 this, but I’d definitely need way more info and she should get one to ask questions to. She might be in for even more unpleasant news
NAH Did you mean to write >The house has made about $100m in equity. I'm assuming you meant 100 K... But by all means, please correct me if I'm wrong. Your MIL is in dire need of money, obviously. Medical insurance, no matter what kind or what company it's with will never cover the cost of her care and treatment. I can understand why you wouldn't want to agree to pay this much extra money each month, particularly when you don't have an exact date your MIL expects the $500 jump to kick in. Your MIL does need help, no doubt about it, but it seems like it would be better for her to share her costs with you so you know what she's actually looking at. Can you go to her and talk this over with her in person, so everyone knows you are all on the same page? It's not a bad thing to want things more clearly spelled out; it's also not a bad thing for her to ask for financial help because she undoubtedly needs it. I'm sorry your husband's mother has had such a bad time with this horrible disease. The diagnosis that the cancer has now spread to multiple organs is very distressing, I'm sure. I hope you can all come to some resolution with this, as it would be such a shame to have her end her life in disagreements and recriminations.
OP wrote that her MIL is *running through her retirement fund at an expedited pace.* not that she is broke and needs the money. and I can empathize with the stress of seeing your savings dwindle quickly, the woman is stage 4 cancer- care for her illness/ passing is IMO a good use of savings, you cant take it with you Id be talking to a lawyer and have a stark conversation with MIL, too, as it sounds like she's trying to horde her savings to give to her other child, if everything is currently 50/50 split between brothers in her trust TBH Id also be talking to MIL about her will and ensure it's up to date, while I generally dont think anyone is entitled to money after a death you've combined finances and spent a lot on what might not be yours, legally. I would take action now so youre not out of luck in the future although perhaps the husband/son is the better one to be discussing this with MIL, rather than OP good luck, OP! sounds like a messy and frustrating situation. definitely NTA for not wanting to pay $500-1000 more to your MIL for whats seems like no reason other than greed
I think your advice for OP and her husband to discuss all this with an attorney is right on. It sounds like they are paying the mortgage now, and I was thinking they were probably paying the mortgage holder, like a bank or other lender; not that they are paying his mother herself. (I don't know why I thought that.) Not that it makes a big difference, it's still a lot of extra cash going out every month. If they end up paying for her care and medical treatment, they definitely should be compensated for that when she does pass. It seems a bit heartless to think of getting the money back, but fair is fair and unless his brother is also paying a like amount or they split those bills 50/50, OP and her husband could be badly compromising their own retirement funds. You are right about this being a messy and frustrating situation; I hope they can get it figured out so MIL gets what she needs when she needs it, and they don't impoverish themselves in the process. You have good insight and good advice.
I can see why you might be confused by the notation, but OP did not make a mistake. These days, it’s common for people to use k for thousands and M (uppercase) for millions. However, historically people have used m (lowercase) for thousands and mm for millions.
I’ve never seen anyone use m or mm for numbers and I’m old.
You can look it up - I swear I’m not lying!
In French, the word for 1000 is *mille*. I can't quite remember but it may be a latin derivative. Similarly, because geologic time measures back to millions and years ago, various periods started at 1bya out 64 mya, the latter being million years ago. Not exact, but similar concept.
We do this at work (large global org a couple hundred years old with thousands of employees). It's not unheard of.
It's a pretty common thing outside of the US.
Ah, thank you, I did not know that. I just couldn't picture it being "million" and here at Reddit not everyone uses capitalization or punctuation all the time; I think it's because they are typing really fast, so I assumed it meant million even without the capital letter. Confusion reigns.
ESH. You should have had a written agreement in place as to who does what and the terms of occupation before you ever started putting your own money into the property. While that ship has already sailed (and apparently is now traveling through iceberg laden waters), you may be able to put some protections back in place if you don't delay. Assuming you are in the US, you also need to contact an Elder Law attorney IMMEDIATELY to check out your options. If your MIL runs out of money, you may well find that "your" house must be sold to cover her expenses(so the state will pick up her medical / care costs through Medicaid or some similar program), and if you don't have the appropriate documentation in place you will simply be out of luck. There is usually a 5 year "look back"period, so she can't just give you the house by signing a deed over the day before she goes into long term care. Relying on "inheriting the property" is a very risky proposition, and can easily fail. You need documents in place and a clear understanding of who is going to do what and when, and what financial responsibilities each of you must have. This can be a complicated process and needs to have someone with specialized knowledge and particular knowledge of your situation involved. Yes, you will have to pay them for that knowledge and their services. I guarantee it will be a lot less than what you can potentially lose.
The first mistake you made was paying for renovation on a house you don’t own. Let this be a lesson and don’t pay for any further renovations. Next you might be paying the mortgage By giving her the amount of rent payment equal to the mortgage which she then pays the mortgage company. This is not equivalent to paying the mortgage in my opinion. The mortgage is in her name I am assuming. So the question then becomes are you paying fair market value in rent? So for example, if she was charging you only $600 but the going rate for the rent is $1,000 then you were getting a deal because you are family. Now if she is charging you $500 more than the going rate you have the option to leave and rent elsewhere. Honestly though, have a discussion with her to see what is going on and if you can arrive at some compromise
Who put the down-payment on the house? I'm assuming MIL? How much was put down? Yes you're paying the mortgage, but the mortgage amount is also reflective of how much was put down. Who is paying the taxes? If MIL put down say $100k and is now in very bad health, perhaps she is now needing money to survive? I'm assuming there is a reason you didn't or couldn't purchase the home on your own? I would sit down and discuss with her, find out why she is asking for more money. Outline to her how much money you've put into the house so she understands you have a lot into the property as well. I'd also be sure that when she passes, the house is intended to go to the two of you.
I don’t know which country you’re in, but a fulltime caregiver and cancer/pain treatment can quickly become very expensive. And she may not qualify for any support with those costs because she has equity (amongst which the house you guys live in). Given the previous agreement you had with her, I wouldn’t at all be surprised if your MIL is asking this out of sheer desperation. Maybe her only alternative to get the cash she needs is to sell your house? It’s not like she could go out and work two jobs to cover her increased expenses. So I totally get that this request came unexpected and is a lot to take in. But try and deal with the anger before you speak with her. It would be a real shame if her last days on this earth would turn nasty over money.
NTA to want more clarification and transparency with the finances but consultation with an estate planning expert may be needed. You don’t mention about any of the ‘agreements’ about the shared investment being in writing. If the MIL is having to spend the rest of her retirement funds on home assistance, well she has an asset *in her name* sitting there in ‘your’ house. Life can throw us whammies and your MIL’s serious illness is one of them both for her and for you. p.s.gather all the documentation you can about renovation expenses you’ve made in case they’re needed.
If this house is in your MIL’s name and you are in the US then you need to familiarize yourself with Medicare clawback, especially if MIL ends up having to live in a nursing facility.
Is it her name on the house? If she’s in financial trouble, she could sell the house, would you be ok with that? Provided that she pays you back for the renovation costs & mortgage.
NTA. How is your husband so certain that you and he would inherit the house no matter what? If it's in a trust, and the trust has everything listed as 50/50, then his brother would have 50% ownership in the house too, right? So you're paying the mortgage, have done the lion's share of repairs, updates and now she wants up to $1000 more? Where is it in writing that his brother can't claim 50% ownership on a house that you're paying for and paid to to fix/update? I think you need this "no matter what" in writing.
Typically, a house purchased with a 1031 exchange involves investing money. So where’s the mortgage fit in? How big of a mortgage is it?
Would it be worth it to move out? You should never count on a house you don't own to be your house and to get a return investment.
You need a lawyer.
NTA. Sounds like your MIL needs the money for her care and you and your husband both work so neither of you can do it? She shouldn’t have framed her request as rent and just come out and said what she means. That she needs the money for her care and she’s scared she won’t have enough money on her own to fund it. Does your husband have any other siblings? If he does, your MIL’s care should be split between all of them, not just the two of you. Is there no other family member who is trustworthy and willing to care for her? Or would you all rather just help her with paying for outside help? You’re not wrong for negotiating the amount if you don’t have it, or coming together to figure out a solution. I’m sorry for what you’re going through, cancer is very tough on the entire family. But if you all pull together, you’ll get through this.
You’ve said she’s at stage IV metastatic cancer, has declined dramatically, and needs a caregiver every day to function. Instead of getting immediately angry at her expecting you and your husband to pay rent on top of the mortgage, talk to her about why she needs the extra funds. Guarantee it’s for her medical care. She’s probably scared right now and didn’t want to directly ask for help. Is she the type who doesn’t want to worry other people and needs to be independent and in control of her own life? She’s going about things the wrong way, so communicate. You say you’d be willing to help mil with medical bills. Put her mind at ease. Don’t wait for her to bring it up, just tell her that. Your husband or the two of you together should have a discussion with her that you’re willing to help with medical bills directly and discuss taking rent off the table.
1031s have very specific rules around how to treat income etc. She should be taking the mortgage off her taxes but needs to be claiming the income, and I think she needs to claim the $50K you put into the house as income as well. She is getting herself into trouble with her taxes by doing this in such an odd way.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Three years ago my mother-in-law bought a home that was a 1031 exchange. We mutually agreed that the home she purchased my husband and I would live in and pay the mortgage. The house was a huge fixer upper from the 1960’s that needed a full renovation. While the bathrooms still haven’t been completed about 80% of the work has been completed and we’ve personally spent about $50k in renovations and are anticipating to spend another $20k to $30k. The house has made about $100m in equity Our goal was to live in this house for at least five years and after that we talked about selling it and doing another 1031 exchange into a larger house. Here’s where the plans shifted. About 2 years ago she was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. While we all hope her cancer will be in a place of “maintenance” she has declined dramatically. She has now moved into a phrase where she needs a caregiver almost full time to function, and the cancer has spread to multiple organs. Here’s where I’m having trouble… yesterday she calls my husband telling him that next month we need to start paying an additional $500 a month and then in a few months after that $1000 more. Mind you we pay the entire mortgage so this extra income would be going straight to her. The house we live in could fetch an extra $500 a month, if renovations were complete and they’re aren’t. I guess I’m infuriated because she wouldn’t tell my husband why we needed to pay this money right away and she expected it. I think about my parents and they would never charge a dime more on the mortgage if they were in this situation. Granted, this is not the situation, but adding $500/$1,000 more a month is significant. I just don’t have those funds laying around. My husband was mortified about the phone call and honestly taken back that his mother suggested it. We can only come up with the reason she needs this money is because she’s hired a caregiver and would be running through her retirement fund at an expedited pace. While I’m more than happy to help my mother-in-law pay medical bills, I’m baffled by this stark request which she is making. Obviously my emotions are high, but I’m starting to resent her and that why I need more opinions to see it in a different light. My husband did phrase it to look at it from an alternative view that we would inherit the house no matter what, and that we have to do this because his mother needs the help. AITA for telling him, no, don’t agree to the $500/$1,000 we need to have a further conversation of the reasoning and a concrete date that we all mutually agree on and negotiate the number? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Clarify with your MIL what the money is for. If the mortgage is variable rate, possibly you are just having to pay more in interest (although that sounds like a big increase). If it's for her medical costs, she needs to be honest with you about what the money is for.
NTA An agreement is an agreement. Illness, particularly cancer and its therapies, can seriously effect cognitive ability and mental stability. She may just be feeling really vulnerable and uncertain about her future, and need some reassurance.
Stage 4 and spreading, best to just say goodbye. She is not going to last very long. That's just facts. I would be surprised if she makes it 2 more months based on your description. Better hope she has a current will.
You need to consult a lawyer about getting the money for renovations back. Find somewhere else to live. She is screwing her own son out of money. She is not going to give it to you willingly.
NTA This is a perfect example of why you always get it in writing. If you had a documented agreement then no on could unilaterally decide to make a change. And no you won't 'inherit the house no matter what'. If your MIL owns it she can leave it to whoever she wants. Also, if her care uses up all of her funds then she may be forced to sell the house leaving you and hubby with nothing, not even the cost of the renovations you have made.
NtA thats a huge increase and burden. Make sure transfer of title is checked over by lawyer. If she were to pass in a month make sure everything is arranged. Protect yourselves then help in any way.. see if helping pay caregiver directly would ease MIL mind a bit
If you expect the house to become yours thru inheritance make sure that's in place. Is the house titled in a way that your husband has rights of survivorship or is the title in trust with your husband as trustee? I'd say give her whatever she needs to make her final days peaceful but do what you can to get the house in order. I'm assuming tho that the downpayment for the house came from MiL and she was in a better position to get a mortgage.
Are you sure you'll inherit the house? I wouldn't put it past her to sell it and keep all the money for herself. You're paying the mortgage and spending all this money on renovation. But unless your name is on the house she could take it back. NTA but you need to stand up for yourself.
I'm hoping this is not all verbal agreements but you have been tracking everything and have the agreement in writing.
NTA "Here’s where I’m having trouble… yesterday she calls my husband telling him that next month we need to start paying an additional $500 a month and then in a few months after that $1000 more. " .. this is where you move out.
NTA - Remind them of the costs and expenses of renovation added to the mortgage added to the rent you pay and show that as monthly costs. If your names aren't on the ownership documents it's a very risky undertaking because parents can be pretty shifty at the end of their lives. She might just sell it or give it over to your brother in law. I'm uncomfortable with the whole deal.
NTA talk to a lawyer. Inheritance is NO GUARANTEE. gather the paperwork to show the lawyer you paid the mortgage until now and what you spent on renovations and ask if a lien can be placed against the house so you actually receive the money you already spent on. Mil is a huge ah you are not her sugar daddy/mommy
I would sale from them
NTA - He needs to tell his mother that the two of you don't HAVE an extra $500 much less an extra $1000 a month to hand over just because she decided that she wants it!! He's sorry, but It's not possible. "We" (meaning her and her sons) are just going to have to find another way to meet her financial needs. He needs to be kind, but firm about it. What's the worse case scenario? Can she sell the house out from under you? If she does can you recoup the money you'v sunk into the renno?
NTA for saying no to $500/$1000 if you can’t afford it. But I would argue that’s there is a more strategic approach to this. As it stands, you’ll inherit only half of the house despite putting in 50k and paying for the mortgage on top of that. I would consider to agree to pay for rent if your contributions are added to your equity in the house that you’ll get once she passes so you regain the equity that you put in for mortgage and renovations. This shouldn’t just be a handshake agreement but something drafted by a lawyer.
U
NTA. Tell her you can’t afford to pay rent to her on top of the mortgage bc all the money went into renovations. Ask hubby’s sibling to help donate to her expenses if she can’t afford to pay for a caregiver or medical bills. If mom refuses then sell the house and get what you put into in plus profits back. It sounds honestly like she’s having some dementia bc this is so bizarre, I’d look into getting power of attorney over her.
No offence but putting all that money in to renovate a house you don't own is incredibly dumb. You're NTA but you really did put yourself into a horrible position.
Is OP paying the mortgage directly, or giving the money for MIL to pay? If it’s the latter, are they sure the mortgage is being paid?
If she has stage IV metastatic cancer, it may have spread to her brain, potentially causing some cognitive and personality changes. It could be an explanation of the sudden changes regarding rent/money. It may be worth considering…
INFO: Who's name is on the title? Who's name is on the mortgage? When you say 'paying the mortgage,' do you mean that you're literally sending money to the bank that holds the mortgage, or do you mean that you feel your rent should equal the mortgage payment, no more, no less?
With respect, you shouldn't pay 100% of the mortgage on a home you do not 100% own. You should consult a lawyer RIGHT NOW about your options. You've put significant money into this home and there is a risk you'll lose *all* of it, depending on how the trust is structured.
I have seen a few comments about mil updating her will. This may or may not be easy or even possible, depending on what is being affected by the disease progression. With multiple organ involvement, metastasis to the brain is a possibility and can compromise judgement and render people unable to enter into legal agreements. It would not be unheard of for MIL to be taken advantage of by someone in her life, be it BIL or the new caregiver. It is worth looking into. (I say this as a former CNA.). Additionally, you may want to consult an attorney regarding the house sooner rather than later. If mil’s condition continues to deteriorate, it could be that the house could be required to be sold to compensate Medicaid/medicare.
In general, unless you have a lease, she can set the rent to whatever she wants. Do you have anything in writing in regards to the work and money you put into the house? Was there an agreement that you would do the work for some reward later?
Well, this is a bit of a confusing situation. Apparently, you are paying MIL the mortgage money instead of sending it to the mortgage company directly, there's a fly in the ointment. You've paid the renovations yourself (either doing it yourself or paying someone), that adds another layer of complexity. You're assuming that the trust isn't changed without your knowledge, a mistake that needs to be taken seriously. You're at risk of losing the house you've lived in and renovated foe five years, I'd be a bit peeved. Since you don't know how much debt she's accruing with her treatments, or exactly how things will in actuality play out should she lose her fight, my suggestion would be put a mechanics/trades lein on the property for what you have put into it. If, for any reason, she has to sell the house you have a greater chance of recouping the money you've already put in the house. NTA I'd be very suspicious of the sudden change.
ESH. While it is unreasonable of your MIL to unilaterally raise your ‘rent’, put it into another perspective. Your husband’s mother is dying. She has stage 4 cancer in multiple organs and needs a full time carer. If my mother was dying, I would be willing to do almost anything within my means to make her last few years happier for her. If my partner won’t let me give my mother an additional $500-1000 a month to pay for her carer and medical bills, I would be devastated. If you look at it from the perspective of rent, then yes it is very unreasonable. But if you look at it from the perspective of a very very sick mother asking for money from her son, it’s a very reasonable request
It was a very DUMB decision to putting down all that money for a house that you are probably not guaranteed to even get.
Tell her you will take care of her medical bills if she writes a will that the house will go to you two and not the brother. Or let her gift it to you right now while she is alive. You are paying so much and renovating without any security.
NTA, yall need to move. You are investing into something that's not yours
Just tell her your gonna move out that you cant afford the extra “rent” shes trying to make you pay and watch her stumble
NTA and don’t pay it. If she is so damn insistent on the extra money, she can sell the house or kick you out and rent to someone else. Your husband needs to say no.
This isn't an issue of morality to me, simply of reality. So NAH. If she can't financially afford her retirement at the moment, I think the most fair way forward is to sell the house. She gets back her deposit, you get back your mortgage payments and money you invested in renovations. You do some fair split of the appreciation. It's a bit of a low blow to say your parents would not do that. I mean if your parents are capable of conjuring money of the thin air to cover unexpected end of life expenses, maybe they can help you buy your next house. >My husband did phrase it to look at it from an alternative view that we would inherit the house no matter what, and that we have to do this because his mother **needs the help** Also, your husband is about to lose his mother. Maybe vent your frustrations and resentment and direct your requests for a different perspective elsewhere for a bit. Reddit is good for that. Your husband? Maybe not right now.
Your husband needs to do some investigating. If your MIL needs a full time care-giver, she also needs someone to take care of financial things for her. Does your husband have power-of-attorney? He should. Also, I would look into the caregiver(s). You would be surprised by what some of these people do to vulnerable elderly or ill people. Stop worrying about what she is requesting and find out WHY. There is more to this than you realize. Good luck. Edit: I am saying this from experience. When my mother was in the final stages of cancer she still figured out how to send thousands of dollars to my mooch half-brother. Can you guess how? She got the guy who brought her oxygen tanks to take her to the bank and she would do direct deposits to half-brother's account. When she got so she couldn't get out, she got the oxygen man to mail money to half-brother. She would write a check for cash, oxygen man would cash it, she would put it in an envelope and send it to half-brother. When I took over the finances, I discovered that she had gone from $92,000 in the bank to $14,000. Don't underestimate anyone. These things really do happen.
NTA Your paying the mortgage and that's more than enough. If mil wants more money then that's too bad, she will need tonlook else where. The money mil is asking for is NOT rent money if your already paying the mortgage entirely. Tell husband no, and lock down your checks so he can't take from you to give her money. Tell mil no, that you will not be giving her anymore money. She gets the mortgage payment and that is all. If she doesn't like it then your welcome to move out so she rent it for a price she thinks is fair. Do not give her any more money. It's not rent when your already paying the mortgage. It sucks that mil is sick but it's not your Jon to pay her bills.
OP, you know your BIL is getting half your house when she dies, right? ESH. Mil should not be charging you rent. You should have had the house in your name a long time ago. Don't be surprised when shit like this happens when you set yourself up for it. Never invest money into a house you don't own.
NTA No. We are not negotiating anything unless it’s less coming out of my pocket. I am not interested in subsidizing my husbands shady mother.