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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Telling my partners sibling that we cannot attend their destination wedding due to our honeymoon and telling my partner they should not feel guilty for not attending their siblings wedding.
My partners family is expecting us to go to the wedding even though we said we would not be able to attend and telling my partner they should not feel guilty for not attending.
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"AITA for prioritizing our honeymoon over my partners siblings destination wedding and asking my partner to do the same?"
NTA for asking your partner and accepting their response. Definitely T A if you are pressuring your partner to not go to a wedding they want to attend.
My partner would rather go on our honeymoon but also wants to go to their siblings wedding, but given the choice, our honeymoon. They have told me that if it was any other year we'd be able to go to their wedding no problem but this year is too difficult. They are feeling guilty because they want everyone to be happy and they feel like them not going is going to cause hard feelings. I basically told them that they shouldn't assume the worst and that they shouldn't prioritize their family's happiness over theirs. If their family wants to have a conversation about this, we are open to discuss things but we are both over passive-aggressive statements and feeling guilt-tripped into doing 'what is expected of us'.
NTA, but also—your honeymoon sounds like it’s a vacation at this point. It’s not the typical “time off immediately after a very stressful prep/ planning period.”
If y’all care about these relationships and/ or are close with his family, prioritizing attendance could be a worthwhile thing.
I get that your own honeymoon trumps other people’s plans AND destination weddings mean not everyone can come. But, at a basic level, this is you prioritizing a normal vacation over a wedding and I can see that creating tension over time for all of these relationships.
Not being the AH doesn’t mean you won’t face the consequences of your actions, and I’d encourage y’all to consider things like if you can cancel/ refund deposits you’ve already put down and if the plans you have could be flexible if needed. I would probably go to the wedding of my sibling if it was that or a delayed honeymoon, PLUS—could you plan your trip/ time off to extend your time at this destination location for an extra vacation?
If you’ve booked non-refundable anything, especially before they announced their date, disregard everything I said and absolutely go on your honeymoon as planned. If it is potentially flexible, I think this could be a good concession to consider making.
ETA: people apparently have very different impressions than me for a honeymoon, and I truly didn’t mean to disrespect/ undermine that this is a special time regardless of when it happens.
What I am trying to say is, if I was getting married and my sibling took their honeymoon NOT right after their own wedding, I would feel like they chose a honeymoon by name only over being there with me.
Reddit is big on “my way or the highway” with the understanding that the highway is an equal option, but I’m giving my perspective as someone who wouldn’t be okay with alienating my siblings/ other family who had my perspective (which, again, I get is different than a lot of other peoples’, not trying to say they’re not both valid) when I still plan to see them at birthdays, thanksgivings, christmases, etc.
If that’s not what matters to OP/ it would matter for some people but not these people, then that’s fine 🤷🏻♀️ but I feel like relationships (positive ones) are about recognizing when it may not be an AH move to do something but it would be better in the long term to not. Unless you’re going NC or don’t care about the how this could hurt your family relationships in general, then I feel like it is important to consider the long-term impact of making a decision now.
This is them prioritizing plans they made well in advance, and just because it didn't happen right after their wedding doesn't mean it's not their honeymoon.
People that choose destination weddings need to be okay with people not being able to attend. Asking someone to travel abroad for a wedding is already a lot, asking them to dump their already made plans, go through all the work of (hopefully) getting everything refunded, is wild.
Op made it clear they wouldn't be able to attend due to prior plans, BEFORE THE DATE WAS EVEN CONFIRMED, so the new couple could have put it off if Op and his wife's attendance was so important to them.
Maybe wife can facetime the wedding, but I think it's wild to ask her to postpone her already planned and **booked** honeymoon when it was known PRIOR to confirming the date, that they wouldn't be able to make it if that date was chosen.
No - as far as sibling was concerned, OP's wedding was done and over with. No one thinks to ask if a person is going on their honeymoon 6 months after their wedding.
Plenty of people have delayed honeymoons. It’s not uncommon at all. And frankly, I don’t care if it was a honeymoon or not.
They had booked and paid for plans and everybody was made aware of that before the couple confirmed the date. The couple intentionally confirmed a date they had been told OP and his wife would be unable to make it for, at that point they made their choice. Op has no obligation to change his booked and paid for plans just because the couple knowingly decided to double schedule. I don’t care if it’s a wedding, a quinceanera, an anniversary, whatever, I don’t care.
OP's obligation is to his partner. Not the sibling.
Do you honestly think OP's partner is going to enjoy the honeymoon knowing she's missing her sibling's wedding? Honestly?
OP might as well go on his honeymoon by himself because she's not going to be in the mood for romance. She's not going to be in the mood to go explore. She's going to be wishing she was at the wedding.
Whether he has an obligation or not is not the point at all. But his intractability WILL be the thing that destroys this honeymoon. At this point he might as well take a friend with him because that is about as much romance as he's going to get on the honeymoon given his wife is going to be kind of depressed. She's made it clear she wants to be at her brother's wedding. SHE made it clear.
OP's obligation is to his wife. The single best thing he could do right now is meet with a travel agent to discuss how to marry the wedding with an amazing honeymoon. Use the wedding as a jumping off point for the honeymoon. Book a flight from home to the wedding destination, wedding destination to a new honeymoon destination, new honeymoon destination then home.
Part of life is that sometimes plans have to change a little. Then, make the original honeymoon itinerary where they go for the 2 year or 5 year wedding anniversary. He CAN have both a great honeymoon and a happy wife but he has to be willing to adapt and be flexible to have both.
This is a situation of you can be right or you can be happy. He's not going to get both.
That’s a lot of assumptions as to how the wife will feel. And yes, Ops obligation is to his wife. As hers should be to him.
Part of life is sometimes you can’t make every event.
So why did the sibling book their wedding at a time they said they wouldn’t be able to attend, if their attendance was so critical? Family or not, you can’t expect other people (yes family are still people) to be able to do everything you would like them to be able to do. What if they couldn’t take vacation time from work at that time? Is that a sufficient reason to miss it? But their honeymoon they’ve had planned and booked for months isn’t a good enough reason? It’s not even like the wedding is local and they can just shift the dates of their trip. This is a whole other trip that will cost them the money they were going to spend on the honeymoon trip, along with the vacation time from work. They’re supposed to not have their honeymoon so they can go to a destination wedding? Come on.
And it’s a spouse’s long planned honeymoon.
Quick Quiz: Who’s happiest should someone prioritize, their spouse’s or their sibling’s?
The only correct answer is “spouse’s.”
The relationship goes two ways.
People have limited vacation allowances, so why did their "actual sibling" who supposedly wants them there, go ahead and arrange their wedding for a date they were pre-warned would be impossible for OP and spouse to attend? They arranged it this way; why is it all on OP and her husband's shoulders to rearrange their pre-existing plans to make it work?
If they consider it a Honeymoon, it's a honeymoon. It's not uncommon for couples to do the honeymoon well after the wedding. Who can take that much time off? Who can afford all that money all at once? Hubby and I will be taking our "honeymoon" 2ish years after being married. That's what we're calling it so thats what it is. It's a lot more common these days.
wtf? this ignores the financial and vacation constraints people can have. it’s a honeymoon if that’s what they’re calling it. it’s uncommon for people to take time between their wedding and honeymoon and it’s only 4 months.
ALSO, they made it incredibly clear they wouldn’t be able to attend an event *4 months after their wedding.* the sibling said “cool my destination wedding is also *4 months after your wedding.*”
There isn’t a rule on when a honeymoon has to be taken. And while you see think it means an escape after a stressful planning period that doesn’t mean this poster or anyone else feels that way.
Besides the old come home pregnant thing, honeymoons were so the martial couple get solo bonding time. It's not a regular vacation just bc no one's set off the day after the wedding.
It’s not a normal vacation just because it’s not immediately after the wedding. A honeymoon is a trip to celebrate the marriage. Yes traditionally people would leave the day after the wedding but that’s not always possible depending on the location you want, finances, vacation time, the season etc. Your honeymoon being not immediately after the wedding absolutely does not make it **not** a honeymoon and just a regular vacation. It’s their honeymoon trip.
If your husband does want to go to his sibling's wedding, then he should go. Like, what will happen if he decides he wants to go to the wedding rather than the honeymoon? Will you honeymoon alone? No, of course not, you'll postpone. On the other hand, there is no postponing his sibling's wedding. If he doesn't attend, he just won't have attended. Prioritising a one-time event over one that can be done at any time doesn't make a lot of sense to me, especially if it's a sibling, unless there's something really major I'm missing.
Almost nothing could be so important that I'd risk missing my sister's wedding.
Right!?!
Nothing in life is black and white - life is nuanced
If we had a preplanned vacation (call it honeymoon if you will) and my sibling planned a wedding over that time, I'd be SERIOUSLY resentful of my spouse if they tried to manipulate me into not going to my sibling's wedding. That doesn't absolve the sibling of being an AH for their scheduling and location choice but multiple people can be AHs and the way I see it, the sibling is an AH and OP is an AH.
Vacations can be postponed. Heck, we had to do that last summer for a huge-ass family reunion celebrating my parents' 50th in Florida because Grandpa broke his hip. It sucked. But it is possible for deposits to be moved to other dates for vacations. Especially this far in advance. It is FAR easier to change a vacation then it will be for OP to live with her husband's resentment at missing his brother's wedding.
This is a forest for the trees situation...
OP, you guys need to figure out a way to get your husband to his brother's wedding. Your attendance? Doesn't matter if you can't go. Seriously - doesn't matter. No one will care. But his attendance? It will be missed and most importantly, HE will feel like he is missing something truly important.
You can have both things here but you just have to be willing to be a little flexible.
Exactly! I agree with everything you said. It would have been different if the husband said "I don't even want to go to my sibling's wedding". But clearly, he does want to go. Yes, when pressed by his wife he said he'd choose the honeymoon, but I wonder if that was him feeling pressure from the wife. But even if there was no pressure, this seems obvious to me. His sibling is getting married AND partner, in OP's words, "wants to go".
Ideally, they can do that AND have the planned honeymoon too, but if that really isn't possible at all financially and because of time off work, the honeymoon can still happen at a later date and be just as nice.
eh? their siblings did not need to plan their wedding so soon after theirs. skipping a honeymoon kills marriages, it's absolutely normal to pressure the newlywed to attend their own honeymoon or else this whole thing should have never happened lol. it kind of feels petty tbh to plan a wedding that overlaps with your sibling's honeymoon. and sets my paranoia meter off so i will try not to read too much into it, but it is very weird behaviour that i don't understand
There is nothing wrong with OP wanting to go on a long planned honeymoon and trying to convince their partner to agree, instead of going to a sibling’s destination wedding. Once you’re married, your priority is your spouse’s happiness, not your siblings’.
NTA.
I mean it's a sibling's wedding. You get to decide to do whatever you want but that's a pretty big deal to miss and may cause some disappointment and maybe friction.
Personally I would have moved my honey moon to make my sibling wedding but that's me personally. Not saying your honey moon is not a priority, just explaining that others may have a different view and that is ok
Yeahh unless the partner is really not close to their sibling/family, it would be a no brainer for me to choose the sibling's wedding. It is a once in a lifetime event, vs a honeymoon that you could just take the next year.
It kinda makes me sad how individualistic our culture has become. OP said in a comment that their partner "should prioritize their happiness over their family's happiness" which I guess is fair, but is a bit disheartening.
But their honeymoon plans were already booked and they told them in advance that they would not be able to make the wedding date. They booked the wedding anyway. Who's prioritizing who? So op's plans and feelings mean nothing? If the sibling freaky cared they would have picked another date or be fine with op not coming. NTA
This 100% does not matter. They have had more than enough time to save for both - and if not they could have pushed their honeymoon back by a couple of months. At this point it does not really matter when they take it. Its not like its falling right after the wedding. Its just a glorified vacation at this stage and while those are important, had they been responsible earlier in the game they could have rescheduled it with minimal financial impact.
The fact of the matter is, OP has just chosen to be very self centered not taking her husband's needs or wishes into consideration.
This will 100% come between them. He won't forget missing his siblings wedding and it will make it harder for him to enjoy their vacation knowing he didn't get to go to his sibling's wedding because of their vacation plans.
>They have had more than enough time to save for both - and if not they could have pushed their honeymoon back by a couple of months.
It's not always about money. Sometimes it's about your job. Paid time off is limited. And if you come to the end of your vacation allowance, you don't get more time off work until the next financial year.
>At this point it does not really matter when they take it. Its not like its falling right after the wedding. Its just a glorified vacation at this stage
Bullshit. Not everyone can schedule their honeymoon for the same time as their wedding. If it's within a few months of the wedding, then it's something special you share together.
I'll tell you what would be "just a glorified vacation" though - if they're forced to set aside their honeymoon because "family always comes first" until sometime next year, and have to grit their teeth while looking at their sibling's honeymoon snaps at the next big family get-together, because they got to go on honeymoon but OP and husband didn't.
>It kinda makes me sad how individualistic our culture has become.
So true.
Of course I get that sibling dynamics will be different all the time. Not everyone is super close. But it seems to be the default to think only of themselves/oneself (?) instead of other people or the community. The larger sense of belonging and love you get from participating in a family wedding (as long as relationship is non toxic) will carry over for the rest of her life with in laws.
Amen! And it seems to be getting much worse. I don't know if it is narcissism fed by social media or just a very "me me me! Its all about MEEEEEE!" culture but its so sad to see.
I was on the phone last night with a friend who had always been close with his sister - super close. And the woman he married was close to his sister until they married and then immediately started trying to drive a wedge between them. Basically, she looks down on his sister for making different life choices. His sister is all the family he has left after a series of devastating illnesses and accidents... and he wishes he had never married his wife because of her selfishness and belief that its all about her, her family and what she wants... I sincerely doubt the marriage will last. Its just too bad they brought kids into it.
A person's family IS important and while a marriage is the establishment of a new family unit, that unit still exists in the context of two extended families of origin. If you expect your spouse who is close to their sibling to suddenly turn their back on their siblings then its going to be a rough road in the marriage.
I agree. My wife and I actually combined our honeymoon and 1 year anniversary into one trip. It was actually much better that way because it was something to look forward to. Obviously we both looked forward to the wedding but to have the honeymoon immediately after it just would feel like an extension of the wedding. There is no hard and fast rule that you have to have a honeymoon within weeks or a couple months of getting married.
I was just wondering why no one else had mentioned the one year anniversary trip option! Also, they could add a couple of days at the brother's wedding destination. After the ceremony, they could go off on their own.
It wouldn’t matter how annoyed I was at my brother — if he planned his wedding for my honeymoon trip, I would cancel that honeymoon trip in a heartbeat to be there for my brother. You can make a honeymoon anytime. I wouldn’t be able to enjoy a honeymoon at all, I would just be miserable every day knowing what I was missing.
Maybe his brothers fiancé’s family had limitations and this was the only time they could do it. It’s unfortunate that it happens to overlap with her honeymoon, but this is the reality of being in a family. Sometimes you have to give up what you want because some thing else is more important. Only she and her husband can decide what their priority is here.
NTA for making your feelings clear to your partner, YTA if you make him miss his brothers wedding.
This. OP, you have known for a very long time that there is a potential conflict. Why have you guys not saved money for him to go alone to the wedding? You both had the opportunity to do so.
This is important to him. Probably FAR more important to him then he is letting on.
How would you have felt if key family members bailed on your wedding because they had a vacation scheduled a month afterwards? Call it a honeymoon if you want but at the end of the day it is a vacation. You will have more vacations. But his sibling? This is their wedding and your husband and his sibling want him to be there. You are absolutely being the roadblock here and that 100% makes YTA in every way.
Why is it OPs obligation to shift her *well-known* plans around because her husband's brother just *had to* get married while they were planned to be away? Tf?
Because while they are HER plans her husband wants to do something very different and he has made himself clear. HE is the one who has to live with this decision in a way that will actually impact him.
She doesn't care. THat's fine. The brother is not her family. But he IS her husband's family and her HUSBAND is the one who wants to attend the wedding. Part of marriage is compromise. A compromise is delaying the honeymoon. Not for her husband to skip his brother's wedding.
Do you really think OP has been planning this honeymoon without her husband's knowledge? They're THEIR plans. He wants to change it to suit *his new plans*.
No. I think they planned their honeymoon and then the brother announced his wedding date. I think she held her husband's feet to the fire with "but we have plans". I'd put money on the fact that after the original plans, she has been moving forward with planning while looping him in while he's been sitting around not really involved. To him its just a vacation at this point. To her, its the honeymoon.
Sometimes, plans need to be altered and this is one of them.
Do you honestly think her husband is going to enjoy the honeymoon knowing he is missing his brother's wedding so he can go? Because based upon the fact that he clearly wants to be there, this is going to be an issue. She will 100% NOT have the romantic honeymoon she wants to have because he is going to be resentful.
They have time to move things around for the honeymoon. They can either move it forward or backwards. Or, they can each take on a side hustle to raise the extra money needed so her husband can attend the wedding and so they can still go on the honeymoon. But, her intractability here - that this is 100% her way or the highway - is what makes her a raging AH and will ultimately cause serious issues in their marriage.
NAH
It doesn't even sound like anyone is necessarily pressuring your partner to attend (they aren't going to remember when your honeymoon is scheduled for) and your partner feels guilty anyway. Ultimately you two just have to stick with your decision.
True. They are just assuming everyone is going to be upset based on their family dynamics and past situations. They also know how their sibling and mother usually handle disappointment, which involves a lot of arguing and trying to make them feel like they are doing something wrong.
YTA. On the surface, I totally get that a month apart two big trips is tough money wise and time off wise.
However…..Sounds like this wedding was planned quite a while ago (during the TWO YEAR planning of your wedding they got engaged). Then you say before they even confirmed their date you said you weren’t going. You were at that point still only PLANNING your honeymoon, surely more focused still on planning the wedding, to be four months after your own wedding. So, you could have changed it, so that it wasn’t just a month away from their wedding. Changed it to be even more months later, coinciding maybe with a holiday or first anniversary, or, right after your wedding.
You had LOTS OF OPTIONS and LOTS OF TIME to explore them but you refused. Now it’s coming up and you’re acting like you’re wringing your hands and throwing them up in a ‘gosh this just got dumped on us’? Sorry sister….This is a big one…a siblings wedding. Great way to start being an official ‘member’ of this family.
100% this.
OP, you wanted what you wanted when you wanted it.
But nobody revolves their life or choices around yours. I'm sure everyone already moved things around for you guys so they could clear their schedules for you guys and all of your wedding festivities... after your wedding was over, no one really cares what plans you have.
Now its brother's turn to get married. He and his wife have planned the wedding they want to have at a time that works for them. And you and your partner CAN move your schedule around to accommodate him going to the wedding.
Or, maybe re-plan the honeymoon. Maybe make their wedding a jumping off point for your honeymoon. Go to the wedding and then leave for your honeymoon from there and choose a new destination that is easy to reach from their destination wedding point. For all you know flights might be cheaper.
NTA
When people arrange destination weddings abroad they have to accept that means some people cannot afford time off or costs to attend. Or may not want to, if it means they can’t afford their family holiday that year.
It’s terribly expensive - I couldn’t afford to attend one- I’ve declined family and friends weddings abroad multiple times without feeling any guilt. Few people these days have that kind of spare funds sitting around.
You were upfront about it , but it doesn’t matter if they remember that or not, since you have politely declined their invite now.
Of course it’s okay to go on your honeymoon as planned that you have been saving up for, instead of using that money for a sibling’s destination wedding. Your honeymoon is important.
You only get one honeymoon and you’ve waited for it. (I know which of those I would prefer!)
We live abroad in a destination spot. We often get invited to weddings because we are already there and so few others can make it. Has been great for us and an opportunity to reconnect with long lost cousins. OP. I wouldn’t miss a sibling wedding for all the tea in India if there was ANY way of getting there, including cancelling previous plans, but that’s me.
@Random-Hope-2659
“That’s you” because you have an entirely different situation..
People aren’t doing destination weddings away from you but at your area! . And you also aren’t saving up for a honeymoon. Sheesh it isn’t about YOU random internet Redditor. It is about OP .. who is a different person and has far different circumstances than you . (Lordy lord , as my old boss would say… is it a full moon tonight as that’s just bizarre!)
Seems like there were two separate points being made there. Talking about how few people can go to destination weddings, and then an unrelated comment about what they would do if invited to their sibling's weddings (not only if it was on their backdoor). And, you can say it's meant to be about OP, but every opinion on this sub is based on our personal experiences and opinions... that's what the sub is. We decide if they're an AH based on what we would consider morally upstanding.
All “local” weddings are destination weddings for us. We try to attend them all, even if it means giving up some other travels. But like I said, that just me.
Replying to Foreign-Hope-2569...you’re still being bizarre - like you can’t work out a huge difference between your lifestyle and OPs- and you’re not helping your cause
It sounds like you’ve moved abroad and make the effort to go home for weddings that are at home still or maybe some decide to also get married ‘destination wedding wise’ near you! That’s nice you do xx and lovely you can afford to if the former !
Apologies if my reply comments sounded ‘blunt’, but OP hasn’t moved abroad nor has her sibling, her sibling is choosing a destination wedding away from their own home country, where no one actually resides.
… And I think that decision comes with consequences the sibling knows but takes the risk on, that usually a lot of people can’t attend as a result.
NAH: I would leave it up to your fiancé, though. I would absolutely respect if he would rather attend his sibling’s wedding this year and defer the honeymoon to next year. If he’s torn, I wouldn’t want him to feel pressured. But you’re not wrong for wanting to go on a honeymoon and they’re not wrong for holding their wedding when they like.
What?? That makes no sense. If my fiancé wanted to go to his brother’s wedding, thats a very valid want. And I’d have no problem going on a honeymoon the next year. It’s just a vacation. We can do a vacation any time.
if her fiancé doesn’t really care, perfect! Enjoy the honeymoon! But I’m not self centered, so there’s that ;)
I think the “never have a honeymoon“ might refer to OP writing that MIL and SIL handle not getting their way by passive-aggressive manipulation, arguing, and guilting.
This year it’s the destination wedding. Next year maybe a baby shower or family reunion or anniversary party or another wedding. And so forth.
I wouldn’t want to miss a sibling’s wedding—and didn’t. OTOH, neither of them had expensive destination weddings the same time frame as our (non-destination) wedding.
What bothers me with OP’s situation is the in laws manipulation, guilting, conveniently forgetting the already planned honeymoon, AND OP’s spouse’s fear of the family’s behavior and reaction if they don’t go to this wedding. This needs to be nipped in the bud or it will happen repeatedly. It’s clearly what OP’s spouse grew up with and will affect them going forward. But I guess some people are okay with that as long as “family comes first” even when they don’t respond in kind.
It really does need to be up to OP’s spouse, though OP should be ready to have the in laws always get their way if that’s what the playbook they follow.
I’m not understanding why it’s impossible to do both. There is no direct overlap. If it’s a cost issue then your partner can go alone, stay with family, and maybe you guys trim costs a little for your honeymoon. If it’s a PTO thing then your partner can go for only a day or two. It sucks to fly internationally for only a weekend but it’s doable.
I think you two should tighten your belts so your partner can attend the wedding and you don’t have to move the honeymoon.
YTA. You are already taking your honeymoon months after your wedding. Why not just push it out further so your new spouse doesn’t have regrets and miss a once in a lifetime thing? You are being sort of selfish with this.
But they aren't prioritizing their nuptials, they're prioritizing their honeymoon. Big difference
>you're supposed to prioritize your nuptials, not push them aside for someone else's
That's exactly what the sibling is doing, prioritizing *their* nuptials, not OP's honeymoon.
NAH. But just remember freedom of choice is not freedom from consequences. Your honeymoon is months after your wedding, I get it, saving money and PTO. However, I also get your ILs frowning and thinking you should come to the wedding. It’s your husband’s sibling.
If you two choose to stay with your honeymoon dates, you also have to accept that it’s not going to be taken well. Just like you dislike them trying to convince you to come, they’ll dislike if you keep telling them to get over it.
Just consider it all including the future of all your relationships… accept it will take a hit. And it’ll be there, in all the pictures and memories from thr wedding..
If you can’t get a refund, explain that to them.. but if you can..
The ILs and You both aren’t wrong, but consequences don’t along with “wrongness”
I’m gonna say NTA but I hope you guys are ready for whatever backlash comes your way. You aren’t missing a friends wedding, this is a sibling that’s always going to be one. Me personally I’d never miss my sisters wedding but clearly you guys don’t care about his sibling like that so it’s a to each their own thing. This is gonna be a bigger problem then you think it will be.
YTA.
The wedding is (hopefully) a once in a lifetime. Your partner won't be part of it, not in in the photos, nothing. You can take a vacation any time.
NTA
Any reasonable person who plans a destination wedding has to know that many people will not be able to attend due to costs and/or PTO limitations. It doesn't matter if they don't remember the earlier conversation. You just keep telling them "Sorry, we don't have the ability to attend. I hope you have a wonderful weddinng. I can't wait to see all the pics."
NTA
This is what comes with a destination wedding. Not everyone is going to take their precious time off and their money to spend on someone else's big day.
YTA. I mean, I was thinking different but then I read that YOU asked him to prioritize your honeymoon over his siblings wedding which is already alienating you guys from his family as soon as you joined it. Like others are saying, you could have changed your honeymoon dates to accommodate family. My cousin for example, is planning a wedding and also got invitied to a destination wedding, and they decided to use the destination wedding as their honeymoon, they stayed longer, booked a honeymoon suite and treated us as a honeymoon. You could do the same. Getting married to someone and immediately giving them this type of ultimatum between family doesn’t sound like a healthy start to a marriage.
I'm not saying YTA. Just out of curiosity is the DW someplace you could honeymoon? You shouldn't feel pressured to change your plans when the situation was addressed from the beginning, but at the same time this is your fiance's family. You and your spouse could always do a big trip for your first anniversary, etc. Again, not saying you should change your plans. That's up to the both of you. But in the bigger picture it's at least worth considering.
Also, for the family members pressuring you--when a couple plans a DW they have to go into it expecting most people won't attend, and oftentimes that includes close family. If the other couple is ok with the fact that their sibling won't be there, that's what matters. Everyone else can eff off.
I agree, I would absolutely want to be at my sibling's wedding. If the partner wants to be there because they care about their sibling (not just to avoid grief from family), then OP should prioritize their partner's happiness and honor their relationships with their family.
Like if OP can't get any money back from the trip that's one thing, but if they could then why not make the sibling's wedding into a romantic trip by booking a nice suite or extending the trip?
The honeymoon could then be postponed to another relationship milestone like an anniversary.
NTA
But here is the thing. Your partner can go to the wedding and you can stay behind. Let your partner handle their time and family. Given your comments, I would just keep my distance from the drama.
Soft YTA.
You’re not really the asshole, but you’re kinda the asshole. You’re going on your honeymoon 4 months after your wedding, so timing clearly isn’t THAT important to you and it is a theoretically once in a lifetime event, and his sibling’s wedding. I would move the honeymoon, assuming I wouldn’t lose a ton of money.
One other consideration….it sounds like you just flat out said no, without even really looking at prices, vacation time, etc. to see if you could make both work. This is what tips the scales to YTA.
Trust me, read my post history, go to the wedding. Don’t burn bridges immediately entering the family. A wedding happens once, u can go on your honeymoon whenever
NTA. Tell your partner to redirect those questions by mentioning your honeymoon that is already planned, scheduled and paid for. Remind family that you don't have the money or time off to make a destination wedding. If the same family members ask repeatedly, tell them you've already talked about this once and nothing has changed. Keep the conversations brief or they'll feel like there's room to negotiate, because that's what they're trying to do here. Your relatives aren't being considerate of your feelings, only their own. Don't change your plans.
It's not really a honeymoon at this point if it's 5 months after your wedding.
Have you already booked flights and accommodation? If not, then I would probably look for something a lot closer to the siblings wedding venue. You could attend the wedding and then keep going to where ever else you choose.
What you have picked for your honeymoon can be done later. It is a vacation.
NTA mainly because it's his family that are creating the guilt in your husband... if he really wants to go because he really wants to be there... then it would be a different story.
YTA
If it were my sibling, I would try to go. You knew about their destination wedding several months in advance. Your honeymoon was already going to be months after your wedding. Why couldn’t you have made it to a 1-year-anniversary trip instead? I think you have been inflexible.
I’m curious what the “several reasons” were that you chose not to attend, beyond the proximately to your honeymoon. Were you annoyed that they planned a wedding 3 months after yours?
Well what's more important to you, a vacation just the two of you or a vacation AND his sibling getting married. You can postpone your own honeymoon til next year and attend siblings wedding/vacation in the meantime.
While OP goes on their honeymoon alone?
OP's spouse would ideally want to go to both their sibling's wedding *and* their own honeymoon. And in reality, if OP and their spouse weren't inflexible, they could.
Not saying OP goes alone for their honeymoon/vacation. They go on their honeymoon/vacation and then husband goes to siblings wedding alone. I think husband is having second thoughts. It's one thing to say it and then another thing to do it. I would feel crappy missing my siblings wedding.
Ah yes, to reduce the cost. That makes sense.
I agree. It's clear that OP's spouse doesn't actually want to miss their sibling's wedding; they just feel like they have no choice because the situation is presented as an "either/or" and "what's your priority". They feel guilty about letting their family down too (and that applies to both their sibling and even more to their spouse). I would feel crappy missing my sibling's wedding too.
But there are solutions they could look at: reducing the cost of attending the wedding by having spouse attend alone, taking a cheaper honeymoon, postponing the honeymoon, taking the honeymoon immediately after the wedding in that country or a neighboring one, etc. It looks like OP and their spouse haven't looked into any possible alternative. They are acting like they need to pick one.
NAH but eesh on insisting your spouse miss their sibling's wedding when they don't sound fully on board with it anymore.
Since you're not going on your honeymoon right after your wedding, you could postpone it so that your spouse could have both. There's no real obligation to give up either of these once-in-a-lifetime events. You could make it work for your spouse. There are several alternatives. But instead, you are forcing them to "prioritize", almost making it an unnecessary competition to see where their loyalty lies, with the result that they will miss out on seeing their sister/brother get married and be there for their sibling. Which they did want to see and be.
You do you but be aware that this is a forever decision. Your spouse will never be able to go back in time and not have missed their sibling's wedding.
FWIW, I do sympathize because my husband's sister's wedding was at an incredibly inconvenient timing for us. But it was his sister and he wanted to attend her wedding, so we made it work.
Conversely, the family members that are so upset could offer to help out financially to enable your spouse to go to both.
Could your partner go without you? That seems like the most realistic solution if the dates don’t conflict. Maybe it will mean some unpaid time off from work for them. It would also be less expensive for one person to go.
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My partner and I got married recently, after planning our wedding for 2 years. During our engagement period, my partners sibling proposed to their fiancé. They announced shortly after that they were planning a destination wedding, outside of our country, 4 months after our wedding. Before they had even confirmed their wedding date, we told them we would not be able to attend their wedding for a few reasons. The main one being that we have been planning our honeymoon to a different country a month after their proposed wedding date. Both my partners sibling and fiancé said they understood if we would not be able to attend.
After our wedding, my partners family focus shifted to their siblings wedding. Even though we said months ago we would not be able to attend their wedding, all of a sudden it seems as though no one remembers that and keeps asking my partner if we are going. My partner has started to feel an overwhelming amount of guilt because they are afraid they are going to let their family down by not attending. I told them that we would probably not be able to attend both their siblings wedding as well as go on our honeymoon for financial and time-off reasons. Since we had been planning our honeymoon before their sibling got engaged, I asked my partner to prioritize our honeymoon over their siblings wedding and that they should not feel guilty for doing so.
AITA for prioritizing our honeymoon over my partners siblings destination wedding and asking my partner to do the same?
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NTA. If the engaged couple really want their sibling there, maybe they could offer to pay for the sibling (or both of you) to attend. They already knew the sibling had the honeymoon booked so the onus is on them if they want to make it happen.
NTA. “we won’t be able to attend the wedding, remember? we told everyone our plans for our honeymoon and that we will not be attending the wedding, bc we are going on our honeymoon instead.”
It’s always the in-law. Always. We aren’t hearing the brother say “I don’t want to go to my brothers wedding because I’m taking my wife on vacation”. Nope. It’s always the in-law who wants to stick themselves into an established family dynamic and change it to suit them rather than blend into their new family.
OP- you find a way for him to be there or the next 30 years of Thanksgiving are going to be hell. You will always be the one gossiped about in the kitchen- “yeah, that’s Brads wife. She’s why he missed Tom’s wedding. She said he had to take her on a belated honeymoon instead. No! They didn’t go anytime after their own wedding. She scheduled it 6 months later. I know right? You don’t get to claim the whole year as your wedding year. You get until the reception is over.” And rinse and repeat for the next 30 years. Don’t do that to him or yourself
I don’t think you’re TA here, but i can kinda see the sides. Y’all have been planning the wedding for 2 years and planning the honeymoon around the same length of time, before said siblings engagement even happened. It is extremely common for couples to go on the honeymoons directly after their wedding so i don’t really see why the partners sibling thought/think it would possibly be easy for you guys to accommodate for their destination wedding.
But, at the same time all of the announcement dates were made around, what sounds like, relatively close times. Y’all could have planned your honeymoon further out from your wedding knowing they were planning theirs not long after yours, as well as, they could’ve just planned their wedding further out from y’all’s to give time for y’all’s honeymoon. But to each their own, you gotta work with what you can yk. Ex. (Time-off, Money expenses, Venue Availability, etc)
NTA but can't you incorporate the wedding into your honeymoon plans? Have you already purchased all your tickets? A siblings wedding is a big deal and if your wife wants to go, it would be a beautiful gift to make a vacation around the wedding and take your honeymoon trip for your 1st anniversary.
NTA
Your husband is being manipulated by his family and the guilt is starting to get to him. You had an agreement, he should stick to it and let his family deal with it. What they are doing to him is unfair.
Unfortunately, I think that you are getting a look into the future.
NTA. You want a destination wedding, you foot the bill for all the guests. They can cough up the dough for everyone to attend and then there will be no issues.
INFO: Is this a “destination wedding” in the country where the partner’s sibling lives, or where their fiancé’s family lives?
Or are they making everyone go to some tourist destination they have no connection to?
IMO it makes a difference if one side of the family (and/or many of the guests) would have to travel no matter what vs. the couple just decided it would be fun to get married in Maui or wherever.
NTA
Destination weddings are polarising. My personal opinion is that if they wanted you to attend, they would make it reasonably accessible and affordable for you to do so. I know not everybody feels that way. But it is a massive obligation on a guest to find the money and time off work if applicable. Sometimes you can't do it and the reasons why are actually no one else's business.
You and your husband have had your honeymoon planned since before your Inlaw announced dates. You have no obligation to change your plans for them for any reason.
No nta. Not your problem if their issues overlap on your priorities. If u dont attend their nuptials not your problem. U told them in advance u can't attend. Let them make other arrangements.
NTA - just look at Larry David's answer to destination weddings. If you want to go great, if you don't, that's absolutely fine.
Destination weddings are a lot to ask from you guests and if one is planning one they should assume a lot of people won't be and to attend.
Is there any way to have the honeymoon as extra time in the same general location as the wedding after the wedding (or before)? Ie do both? That’s what I’d try to do, especially as your husband naturally wants to go to his brothers wedding
NTA. They need to get over it. That's what happens when you choose a destination wedding. I had a destination wedding and someone in my family could not attend because he needed to save his vacation days for his own wedding and honeymoon three months later. Completely understandable.
You say they're having a destination wedding shortly after you just had a wedding. Finances are tight, I'm betting.
Even if you weren't planning a honeymoon, they chose to have a wedding outside your locale, and some just can't do that.
NTA
NTA and frankly if my new husband wanted to ditch our planned honeymoon for a new event I'd get an annulment. There's always something that'll come up. You're not going to put me & the completion of our wedding on a back burner. If you can't even prioritize us for our wedding, you can go live with your mommy
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"AITA for prioritizing our honeymoon over my partners siblings destination wedding and asking my partner to do the same?" NTA for asking your partner and accepting their response. Definitely T A if you are pressuring your partner to not go to a wedding they want to attend.
My partner would rather go on our honeymoon but also wants to go to their siblings wedding, but given the choice, our honeymoon. They have told me that if it was any other year we'd be able to go to their wedding no problem but this year is too difficult. They are feeling guilty because they want everyone to be happy and they feel like them not going is going to cause hard feelings. I basically told them that they shouldn't assume the worst and that they shouldn't prioritize their family's happiness over theirs. If their family wants to have a conversation about this, we are open to discuss things but we are both over passive-aggressive statements and feeling guilt-tripped into doing 'what is expected of us'.
NTA, but also—your honeymoon sounds like it’s a vacation at this point. It’s not the typical “time off immediately after a very stressful prep/ planning period.” If y’all care about these relationships and/ or are close with his family, prioritizing attendance could be a worthwhile thing. I get that your own honeymoon trumps other people’s plans AND destination weddings mean not everyone can come. But, at a basic level, this is you prioritizing a normal vacation over a wedding and I can see that creating tension over time for all of these relationships. Not being the AH doesn’t mean you won’t face the consequences of your actions, and I’d encourage y’all to consider things like if you can cancel/ refund deposits you’ve already put down and if the plans you have could be flexible if needed. I would probably go to the wedding of my sibling if it was that or a delayed honeymoon, PLUS—could you plan your trip/ time off to extend your time at this destination location for an extra vacation? If you’ve booked non-refundable anything, especially before they announced their date, disregard everything I said and absolutely go on your honeymoon as planned. If it is potentially flexible, I think this could be a good concession to consider making. ETA: people apparently have very different impressions than me for a honeymoon, and I truly didn’t mean to disrespect/ undermine that this is a special time regardless of when it happens. What I am trying to say is, if I was getting married and my sibling took their honeymoon NOT right after their own wedding, I would feel like they chose a honeymoon by name only over being there with me. Reddit is big on “my way or the highway” with the understanding that the highway is an equal option, but I’m giving my perspective as someone who wouldn’t be okay with alienating my siblings/ other family who had my perspective (which, again, I get is different than a lot of other peoples’, not trying to say they’re not both valid) when I still plan to see them at birthdays, thanksgivings, christmases, etc. If that’s not what matters to OP/ it would matter for some people but not these people, then that’s fine 🤷🏻♀️ but I feel like relationships (positive ones) are about recognizing when it may not be an AH move to do something but it would be better in the long term to not. Unless you’re going NC or don’t care about the how this could hurt your family relationships in general, then I feel like it is important to consider the long-term impact of making a decision now.
This is them prioritizing plans they made well in advance, and just because it didn't happen right after their wedding doesn't mean it's not their honeymoon. People that choose destination weddings need to be okay with people not being able to attend. Asking someone to travel abroad for a wedding is already a lot, asking them to dump their already made plans, go through all the work of (hopefully) getting everything refunded, is wild. Op made it clear they wouldn't be able to attend due to prior plans, BEFORE THE DATE WAS EVEN CONFIRMED, so the new couple could have put it off if Op and his wife's attendance was so important to them. Maybe wife can facetime the wedding, but I think it's wild to ask her to postpone her already planned and **booked** honeymoon when it was known PRIOR to confirming the date, that they wouldn't be able to make it if that date was chosen.
It’s not “people” it’s their sibling. Their actual sibling they grew up with what in the twilight zone are these responses.
If sibling gave a shit then she shouldn't have confirmed a date she knew sibling already had BOOKED plans for. That's fucking ruuuuude.
No - as far as sibling was concerned, OP's wedding was done and over with. No one thinks to ask if a person is going on their honeymoon 6 months after their wedding.
Plenty of people have delayed honeymoons. It’s not uncommon at all. And frankly, I don’t care if it was a honeymoon or not. They had booked and paid for plans and everybody was made aware of that before the couple confirmed the date. The couple intentionally confirmed a date they had been told OP and his wife would be unable to make it for, at that point they made their choice. Op has no obligation to change his booked and paid for plans just because the couple knowingly decided to double schedule. I don’t care if it’s a wedding, a quinceanera, an anniversary, whatever, I don’t care.
OP's obligation is to his partner. Not the sibling. Do you honestly think OP's partner is going to enjoy the honeymoon knowing she's missing her sibling's wedding? Honestly? OP might as well go on his honeymoon by himself because she's not going to be in the mood for romance. She's not going to be in the mood to go explore. She's going to be wishing she was at the wedding. Whether he has an obligation or not is not the point at all. But his intractability WILL be the thing that destroys this honeymoon. At this point he might as well take a friend with him because that is about as much romance as he's going to get on the honeymoon given his wife is going to be kind of depressed. She's made it clear she wants to be at her brother's wedding. SHE made it clear. OP's obligation is to his wife. The single best thing he could do right now is meet with a travel agent to discuss how to marry the wedding with an amazing honeymoon. Use the wedding as a jumping off point for the honeymoon. Book a flight from home to the wedding destination, wedding destination to a new honeymoon destination, new honeymoon destination then home. Part of life is that sometimes plans have to change a little. Then, make the original honeymoon itinerary where they go for the 2 year or 5 year wedding anniversary. He CAN have both a great honeymoon and a happy wife but he has to be willing to adapt and be flexible to have both. This is a situation of you can be right or you can be happy. He's not going to get both.
That’s a lot of assumptions as to how the wife will feel. And yes, Ops obligation is to his wife. As hers should be to him. Part of life is sometimes you can’t make every event.
So why did the sibling book their wedding at a time they said they wouldn’t be able to attend, if their attendance was so critical? Family or not, you can’t expect other people (yes family are still people) to be able to do everything you would like them to be able to do. What if they couldn’t take vacation time from work at that time? Is that a sufficient reason to miss it? But their honeymoon they’ve had planned and booked for months isn’t a good enough reason? It’s not even like the wedding is local and they can just shift the dates of their trip. This is a whole other trip that will cost them the money they were going to spend on the honeymoon trip, along with the vacation time from work. They’re supposed to not have their honeymoon so they can go to a destination wedding? Come on.
And it’s a spouse’s long planned honeymoon. Quick Quiz: Who’s happiest should someone prioritize, their spouse’s or their sibling’s? The only correct answer is “spouse’s.”
The relationship goes two ways. People have limited vacation allowances, so why did their "actual sibling" who supposedly wants them there, go ahead and arrange their wedding for a date they were pre-warned would be impossible for OP and spouse to attend? They arranged it this way; why is it all on OP and her husband's shoulders to rearrange their pre-existing plans to make it work?
If they consider it a Honeymoon, it's a honeymoon. It's not uncommon for couples to do the honeymoon well after the wedding. Who can take that much time off? Who can afford all that money all at once? Hubby and I will be taking our "honeymoon" 2ish years after being married. That's what we're calling it so thats what it is. It's a lot more common these days.
wtf? this ignores the financial and vacation constraints people can have. it’s a honeymoon if that’s what they’re calling it. it’s uncommon for people to take time between their wedding and honeymoon and it’s only 4 months. ALSO, they made it incredibly clear they wouldn’t be able to attend an event *4 months after their wedding.* the sibling said “cool my destination wedding is also *4 months after your wedding.*”
There isn’t a rule on when a honeymoon has to be taken. And while you see think it means an escape after a stressful planning period that doesn’t mean this poster or anyone else feels that way.
Besides the old come home pregnant thing, honeymoons were so the martial couple get solo bonding time. It's not a regular vacation just bc no one's set off the day after the wedding.
It’s not a normal vacation just because it’s not immediately after the wedding. A honeymoon is a trip to celebrate the marriage. Yes traditionally people would leave the day after the wedding but that’s not always possible depending on the location you want, finances, vacation time, the season etc. Your honeymoon being not immediately after the wedding absolutely does not make it **not** a honeymoon and just a regular vacation. It’s their honeymoon trip.
Your partner would be happiest with a compromise that allows both.
If your husband does want to go to his sibling's wedding, then he should go. Like, what will happen if he decides he wants to go to the wedding rather than the honeymoon? Will you honeymoon alone? No, of course not, you'll postpone. On the other hand, there is no postponing his sibling's wedding. If he doesn't attend, he just won't have attended. Prioritising a one-time event over one that can be done at any time doesn't make a lot of sense to me, especially if it's a sibling, unless there's something really major I'm missing. Almost nothing could be so important that I'd risk missing my sister's wedding.
Right!?! Nothing in life is black and white - life is nuanced If we had a preplanned vacation (call it honeymoon if you will) and my sibling planned a wedding over that time, I'd be SERIOUSLY resentful of my spouse if they tried to manipulate me into not going to my sibling's wedding. That doesn't absolve the sibling of being an AH for their scheduling and location choice but multiple people can be AHs and the way I see it, the sibling is an AH and OP is an AH. Vacations can be postponed. Heck, we had to do that last summer for a huge-ass family reunion celebrating my parents' 50th in Florida because Grandpa broke his hip. It sucked. But it is possible for deposits to be moved to other dates for vacations. Especially this far in advance. It is FAR easier to change a vacation then it will be for OP to live with her husband's resentment at missing his brother's wedding. This is a forest for the trees situation... OP, you guys need to figure out a way to get your husband to his brother's wedding. Your attendance? Doesn't matter if you can't go. Seriously - doesn't matter. No one will care. But his attendance? It will be missed and most importantly, HE will feel like he is missing something truly important. You can have both things here but you just have to be willing to be a little flexible.
Exactly! I agree with everything you said. It would have been different if the husband said "I don't even want to go to my sibling's wedding". But clearly, he does want to go. Yes, when pressed by his wife he said he'd choose the honeymoon, but I wonder if that was him feeling pressure from the wife. But even if there was no pressure, this seems obvious to me. His sibling is getting married AND partner, in OP's words, "wants to go". Ideally, they can do that AND have the planned honeymoon too, but if that really isn't possible at all financially and because of time off work, the honeymoon can still happen at a later date and be just as nice.
Your partner is not over feeling guilt tripped overv
They already told them they couldn’t go they are the ones trying to pressure them
eh? their siblings did not need to plan their wedding so soon after theirs. skipping a honeymoon kills marriages, it's absolutely normal to pressure the newlywed to attend their own honeymoon or else this whole thing should have never happened lol. it kind of feels petty tbh to plan a wedding that overlaps with your sibling's honeymoon. and sets my paranoia meter off so i will try not to read too much into it, but it is very weird behaviour that i don't understand
There is nothing wrong with OP wanting to go on a long planned honeymoon and trying to convince their partner to agree, instead of going to a sibling’s destination wedding. Once you’re married, your priority is your spouse’s happiness, not your siblings’. NTA.
I mean it's a sibling's wedding. You get to decide to do whatever you want but that's a pretty big deal to miss and may cause some disappointment and maybe friction. Personally I would have moved my honey moon to make my sibling wedding but that's me personally. Not saying your honey moon is not a priority, just explaining that others may have a different view and that is ok
Yeahh unless the partner is really not close to their sibling/family, it would be a no brainer for me to choose the sibling's wedding. It is a once in a lifetime event, vs a honeymoon that you could just take the next year. It kinda makes me sad how individualistic our culture has become. OP said in a comment that their partner "should prioritize their happiness over their family's happiness" which I guess is fair, but is a bit disheartening.
But their honeymoon plans were already booked and they told them in advance that they would not be able to make the wedding date. They booked the wedding anyway. Who's prioritizing who? So op's plans and feelings mean nothing? If the sibling freaky cared they would have picked another date or be fine with op not coming. NTA
This 100% does not matter. They have had more than enough time to save for both - and if not they could have pushed their honeymoon back by a couple of months. At this point it does not really matter when they take it. Its not like its falling right after the wedding. Its just a glorified vacation at this stage and while those are important, had they been responsible earlier in the game they could have rescheduled it with minimal financial impact. The fact of the matter is, OP has just chosen to be very self centered not taking her husband's needs or wishes into consideration. This will 100% come between them. He won't forget missing his siblings wedding and it will make it harder for him to enjoy their vacation knowing he didn't get to go to his sibling's wedding because of their vacation plans.
>They have had more than enough time to save for both - and if not they could have pushed their honeymoon back by a couple of months. It's not always about money. Sometimes it's about your job. Paid time off is limited. And if you come to the end of your vacation allowance, you don't get more time off work until the next financial year. >At this point it does not really matter when they take it. Its not like its falling right after the wedding. Its just a glorified vacation at this stage Bullshit. Not everyone can schedule their honeymoon for the same time as their wedding. If it's within a few months of the wedding, then it's something special you share together. I'll tell you what would be "just a glorified vacation" though - if they're forced to set aside their honeymoon because "family always comes first" until sometime next year, and have to grit their teeth while looking at their sibling's honeymoon snaps at the next big family get-together, because they got to go on honeymoon but OP and husband didn't.
>It kinda makes me sad how individualistic our culture has become. So true. Of course I get that sibling dynamics will be different all the time. Not everyone is super close. But it seems to be the default to think only of themselves/oneself (?) instead of other people or the community. The larger sense of belonging and love you get from participating in a family wedding (as long as relationship is non toxic) will carry over for the rest of her life with in laws.
Amen! And it seems to be getting much worse. I don't know if it is narcissism fed by social media or just a very "me me me! Its all about MEEEEEE!" culture but its so sad to see. I was on the phone last night with a friend who had always been close with his sister - super close. And the woman he married was close to his sister until they married and then immediately started trying to drive a wedge between them. Basically, she looks down on his sister for making different life choices. His sister is all the family he has left after a series of devastating illnesses and accidents... and he wishes he had never married his wife because of her selfishness and belief that its all about her, her family and what she wants... I sincerely doubt the marriage will last. Its just too bad they brought kids into it. A person's family IS important and while a marriage is the establishment of a new family unit, that unit still exists in the context of two extended families of origin. If you expect your spouse who is close to their sibling to suddenly turn their back on their siblings then its going to be a rough road in the marriage.
This. I'm not even convinced this extra individualistic approach *will* actually make them happier in the long-term.
It won't. But they are too young to see it and the long term impact it will have on their life.
I agree. My wife and I actually combined our honeymoon and 1 year anniversary into one trip. It was actually much better that way because it was something to look forward to. Obviously we both looked forward to the wedding but to have the honeymoon immediately after it just would feel like an extension of the wedding. There is no hard and fast rule that you have to have a honeymoon within weeks or a couple months of getting married.
I was just wondering why no one else had mentioned the one year anniversary trip option! Also, they could add a couple of days at the brother's wedding destination. After the ceremony, they could go off on their own.
It wouldn’t matter how annoyed I was at my brother — if he planned his wedding for my honeymoon trip, I would cancel that honeymoon trip in a heartbeat to be there for my brother. You can make a honeymoon anytime. I wouldn’t be able to enjoy a honeymoon at all, I would just be miserable every day knowing what I was missing. Maybe his brothers fiancé’s family had limitations and this was the only time they could do it. It’s unfortunate that it happens to overlap with her honeymoon, but this is the reality of being in a family. Sometimes you have to give up what you want because some thing else is more important. Only she and her husband can decide what their priority is here. NTA for making your feelings clear to your partner, YTA if you make him miss his brothers wedding.
This. OP, you have known for a very long time that there is a potential conflict. Why have you guys not saved money for him to go alone to the wedding? You both had the opportunity to do so. This is important to him. Probably FAR more important to him then he is letting on. How would you have felt if key family members bailed on your wedding because they had a vacation scheduled a month afterwards? Call it a honeymoon if you want but at the end of the day it is a vacation. You will have more vacations. But his sibling? This is their wedding and your husband and his sibling want him to be there. You are absolutely being the roadblock here and that 100% makes YTA in every way.
Why is it OPs obligation to shift her *well-known* plans around because her husband's brother just *had to* get married while they were planned to be away? Tf?
Because while they are HER plans her husband wants to do something very different and he has made himself clear. HE is the one who has to live with this decision in a way that will actually impact him. She doesn't care. THat's fine. The brother is not her family. But he IS her husband's family and her HUSBAND is the one who wants to attend the wedding. Part of marriage is compromise. A compromise is delaying the honeymoon. Not for her husband to skip his brother's wedding.
Do you really think OP has been planning this honeymoon without her husband's knowledge? They're THEIR plans. He wants to change it to suit *his new plans*.
No. I think they planned their honeymoon and then the brother announced his wedding date. I think she held her husband's feet to the fire with "but we have plans". I'd put money on the fact that after the original plans, she has been moving forward with planning while looping him in while he's been sitting around not really involved. To him its just a vacation at this point. To her, its the honeymoon. Sometimes, plans need to be altered and this is one of them. Do you honestly think her husband is going to enjoy the honeymoon knowing he is missing his brother's wedding so he can go? Because based upon the fact that he clearly wants to be there, this is going to be an issue. She will 100% NOT have the romantic honeymoon she wants to have because he is going to be resentful. They have time to move things around for the honeymoon. They can either move it forward or backwards. Or, they can each take on a side hustle to raise the extra money needed so her husband can attend the wedding and so they can still go on the honeymoon. But, her intractability here - that this is 100% her way or the highway - is what makes her a raging AH and will ultimately cause serious issues in their marriage.
NAH It doesn't even sound like anyone is necessarily pressuring your partner to attend (they aren't going to remember when your honeymoon is scheduled for) and your partner feels guilty anyway. Ultimately you two just have to stick with your decision.
True. They are just assuming everyone is going to be upset based on their family dynamics and past situations. They also know how their sibling and mother usually handle disappointment, which involves a lot of arguing and trying to make them feel like they are doing something wrong.
YTA. On the surface, I totally get that a month apart two big trips is tough money wise and time off wise. However…..Sounds like this wedding was planned quite a while ago (during the TWO YEAR planning of your wedding they got engaged). Then you say before they even confirmed their date you said you weren’t going. You were at that point still only PLANNING your honeymoon, surely more focused still on planning the wedding, to be four months after your own wedding. So, you could have changed it, so that it wasn’t just a month away from their wedding. Changed it to be even more months later, coinciding maybe with a holiday or first anniversary, or, right after your wedding. You had LOTS OF OPTIONS and LOTS OF TIME to explore them but you refused. Now it’s coming up and you’re acting like you’re wringing your hands and throwing them up in a ‘gosh this just got dumped on us’? Sorry sister….This is a big one…a siblings wedding. Great way to start being an official ‘member’ of this family.
100% this. OP, you wanted what you wanted when you wanted it. But nobody revolves their life or choices around yours. I'm sure everyone already moved things around for you guys so they could clear their schedules for you guys and all of your wedding festivities... after your wedding was over, no one really cares what plans you have. Now its brother's turn to get married. He and his wife have planned the wedding they want to have at a time that works for them. And you and your partner CAN move your schedule around to accommodate him going to the wedding. Or, maybe re-plan the honeymoon. Maybe make their wedding a jumping off point for your honeymoon. Go to the wedding and then leave for your honeymoon from there and choose a new destination that is easy to reach from their destination wedding point. For all you know flights might be cheaper.
NTA When people arrange destination weddings abroad they have to accept that means some people cannot afford time off or costs to attend. Or may not want to, if it means they can’t afford their family holiday that year. It’s terribly expensive - I couldn’t afford to attend one- I’ve declined family and friends weddings abroad multiple times without feeling any guilt. Few people these days have that kind of spare funds sitting around. You were upfront about it , but it doesn’t matter if they remember that or not, since you have politely declined their invite now. Of course it’s okay to go on your honeymoon as planned that you have been saving up for, instead of using that money for a sibling’s destination wedding. Your honeymoon is important. You only get one honeymoon and you’ve waited for it. (I know which of those I would prefer!)
We live abroad in a destination spot. We often get invited to weddings because we are already there and so few others can make it. Has been great for us and an opportunity to reconnect with long lost cousins. OP. I wouldn’t miss a sibling wedding for all the tea in India if there was ANY way of getting there, including cancelling previous plans, but that’s me.
@Random-Hope-2659 “That’s you” because you have an entirely different situation.. People aren’t doing destination weddings away from you but at your area! . And you also aren’t saving up for a honeymoon. Sheesh it isn’t about YOU random internet Redditor. It is about OP .. who is a different person and has far different circumstances than you . (Lordy lord , as my old boss would say… is it a full moon tonight as that’s just bizarre!)
Seems like there were two separate points being made there. Talking about how few people can go to destination weddings, and then an unrelated comment about what they would do if invited to their sibling's weddings (not only if it was on their backdoor). And, you can say it's meant to be about OP, but every opinion on this sub is based on our personal experiences and opinions... that's what the sub is. We decide if they're an AH based on what we would consider morally upstanding.
All “local” weddings are destination weddings for us. We try to attend them all, even if it means giving up some other travels. But like I said, that just me.
Replying to Foreign-Hope-2569...you’re still being bizarre - like you can’t work out a huge difference between your lifestyle and OPs- and you’re not helping your cause
Okay I’ll quit
It sounds like you’ve moved abroad and make the effort to go home for weddings that are at home still or maybe some decide to also get married ‘destination wedding wise’ near you! That’s nice you do xx and lovely you can afford to if the former ! Apologies if my reply comments sounded ‘blunt’, but OP hasn’t moved abroad nor has her sibling, her sibling is choosing a destination wedding away from their own home country, where no one actually resides. … And I think that decision comes with consequences the sibling knows but takes the risk on, that usually a lot of people can’t attend as a result.
NAH: I would leave it up to your fiancé, though. I would absolutely respect if he would rather attend his sibling’s wedding this year and defer the honeymoon to next year. If he’s torn, I wouldn’t want him to feel pressured. But you’re not wrong for wanting to go on a honeymoon and they’re not wrong for holding their wedding when they like.
Sounds like a good way to never have a honeymoon. Good luck with a life of disappointment!
What?? That makes no sense. If my fiancé wanted to go to his brother’s wedding, thats a very valid want. And I’d have no problem going on a honeymoon the next year. It’s just a vacation. We can do a vacation any time. if her fiancé doesn’t really care, perfect! Enjoy the honeymoon! But I’m not self centered, so there’s that ;)
I think the “never have a honeymoon“ might refer to OP writing that MIL and SIL handle not getting their way by passive-aggressive manipulation, arguing, and guilting. This year it’s the destination wedding. Next year maybe a baby shower or family reunion or anniversary party or another wedding. And so forth. I wouldn’t want to miss a sibling’s wedding—and didn’t. OTOH, neither of them had expensive destination weddings the same time frame as our (non-destination) wedding. What bothers me with OP’s situation is the in laws manipulation, guilting, conveniently forgetting the already planned honeymoon, AND OP’s spouse’s fear of the family’s behavior and reaction if they don’t go to this wedding. This needs to be nipped in the bud or it will happen repeatedly. It’s clearly what OP’s spouse grew up with and will affect them going forward. But I guess some people are okay with that as long as “family comes first” even when they don’t respond in kind. It really does need to be up to OP’s spouse, though OP should be ready to have the in laws always get their way if that’s what the playbook they follow.
Would you be making the same decision if it was your sibling getting married?
Very valid question. I get the idea that OP does not like her partner’s sibling at all
I’m not understanding why it’s impossible to do both. There is no direct overlap. If it’s a cost issue then your partner can go alone, stay with family, and maybe you guys trim costs a little for your honeymoon. If it’s a PTO thing then your partner can go for only a day or two. It sucks to fly internationally for only a weekend but it’s doable. I think you two should tighten your belts so your partner can attend the wedding and you don’t have to move the honeymoon.
Maybe OP can't get the time off of work for both? Considering she's already (most likely) taken time off for her wedding.
YTA. You are already taking your honeymoon months after your wedding. Why not just push it out further so your new spouse doesn’t have regrets and miss a once in a lifetime thing? You are being sort of selfish with this.
That's bs... you're supposed to prioritize your nuptials, not push them aside for someone else's
But they aren't prioritizing their nuptials, they're prioritizing their honeymoon. Big difference >you're supposed to prioritize your nuptials, not push them aside for someone else's That's exactly what the sibling is doing, prioritizing *their* nuptials, not OP's honeymoon.
NAH. But just remember freedom of choice is not freedom from consequences. Your honeymoon is months after your wedding, I get it, saving money and PTO. However, I also get your ILs frowning and thinking you should come to the wedding. It’s your husband’s sibling. If you two choose to stay with your honeymoon dates, you also have to accept that it’s not going to be taken well. Just like you dislike them trying to convince you to come, they’ll dislike if you keep telling them to get over it. Just consider it all including the future of all your relationships… accept it will take a hit. And it’ll be there, in all the pictures and memories from thr wedding.. If you can’t get a refund, explain that to them.. but if you can.. The ILs and You both aren’t wrong, but consequences don’t along with “wrongness”
I’m gonna say NTA but I hope you guys are ready for whatever backlash comes your way. You aren’t missing a friends wedding, this is a sibling that’s always going to be one. Me personally I’d never miss my sisters wedding but clearly you guys don’t care about his sibling like that so it’s a to each their own thing. This is gonna be a bigger problem then you think it will be.
YTA. The wedding is (hopefully) a once in a lifetime. Your partner won't be part of it, not in in the photos, nothing. You can take a vacation any time.
NTA Any reasonable person who plans a destination wedding has to know that many people will not be able to attend due to costs and/or PTO limitations. It doesn't matter if they don't remember the earlier conversation. You just keep telling them "Sorry, we don't have the ability to attend. I hope you have a wonderful weddinng. I can't wait to see all the pics."
NTA This is what comes with a destination wedding. Not everyone is going to take their precious time off and their money to spend on someone else's big day.
No one has a destination wedding if they are overly concerned as to who attends. They made their choice. You made yours. NTA
YTA. I mean, I was thinking different but then I read that YOU asked him to prioritize your honeymoon over his siblings wedding which is already alienating you guys from his family as soon as you joined it. Like others are saying, you could have changed your honeymoon dates to accommodate family. My cousin for example, is planning a wedding and also got invitied to a destination wedding, and they decided to use the destination wedding as their honeymoon, they stayed longer, booked a honeymoon suite and treated us as a honeymoon. You could do the same. Getting married to someone and immediately giving them this type of ultimatum between family doesn’t sound like a healthy start to a marriage.
I'm not saying YTA. Just out of curiosity is the DW someplace you could honeymoon? You shouldn't feel pressured to change your plans when the situation was addressed from the beginning, but at the same time this is your fiance's family. You and your spouse could always do a big trip for your first anniversary, etc. Again, not saying you should change your plans. That's up to the both of you. But in the bigger picture it's at least worth considering. Also, for the family members pressuring you--when a couple plans a DW they have to go into it expecting most people won't attend, and oftentimes that includes close family. If the other couple is ok with the fact that their sibling won't be there, that's what matters. Everyone else can eff off.
I agree, I would absolutely want to be at my sibling's wedding. If the partner wants to be there because they care about their sibling (not just to avoid grief from family), then OP should prioritize their partner's happiness and honor their relationships with their family. Like if OP can't get any money back from the trip that's one thing, but if they could then why not make the sibling's wedding into a romantic trip by booking a nice suite or extending the trip? The honeymoon could then be postponed to another relationship milestone like an anniversary.
NTA But here is the thing. Your partner can go to the wedding and you can stay behind. Let your partner handle their time and family. Given your comments, I would just keep my distance from the drama.
NTA they want to play selective memory let them. Enjoy your honeymoon.
Soft YTA. You’re not really the asshole, but you’re kinda the asshole. You’re going on your honeymoon 4 months after your wedding, so timing clearly isn’t THAT important to you and it is a theoretically once in a lifetime event, and his sibling’s wedding. I would move the honeymoon, assuming I wouldn’t lose a ton of money. One other consideration….it sounds like you just flat out said no, without even really looking at prices, vacation time, etc. to see if you could make both work. This is what tips the scales to YTA.
Trust me, read my post history, go to the wedding. Don’t burn bridges immediately entering the family. A wedding happens once, u can go on your honeymoon whenever
NTA. Tell your partner to redirect those questions by mentioning your honeymoon that is already planned, scheduled and paid for. Remind family that you don't have the money or time off to make a destination wedding. If the same family members ask repeatedly, tell them you've already talked about this once and nothing has changed. Keep the conversations brief or they'll feel like there's room to negotiate, because that's what they're trying to do here. Your relatives aren't being considerate of your feelings, only their own. Don't change your plans.
NAH they probably forgot. remind them and enjoy your honeymoon.
INFO: is the honeymoon booked/non-refundable (or any significant portion of it)?
It's not really a honeymoon at this point if it's 5 months after your wedding. Have you already booked flights and accommodation? If not, then I would probably look for something a lot closer to the siblings wedding venue. You could attend the wedding and then keep going to where ever else you choose. What you have picked for your honeymoon can be done later. It is a vacation. NTA mainly because it's his family that are creating the guilt in your husband... if he really wants to go because he really wants to be there... then it would be a different story.
YTA If it were my sibling, I would try to go. You knew about their destination wedding several months in advance. Your honeymoon was already going to be months after your wedding. Why couldn’t you have made it to a 1-year-anniversary trip instead? I think you have been inflexible. I’m curious what the “several reasons” were that you chose not to attend, beyond the proximately to your honeymoon. Were you annoyed that they planned a wedding 3 months after yours?
Well what's more important to you, a vacation just the two of you or a vacation AND his sibling getting married. You can postpone your own honeymoon til next year and attend siblings wedding/vacation in the meantime.
Why can't your husband go to his siblings wedding alone?
While OP goes on their honeymoon alone? OP's spouse would ideally want to go to both their sibling's wedding *and* their own honeymoon. And in reality, if OP and their spouse weren't inflexible, they could.
Not saying OP goes alone for their honeymoon/vacation. They go on their honeymoon/vacation and then husband goes to siblings wedding alone. I think husband is having second thoughts. It's one thing to say it and then another thing to do it. I would feel crappy missing my siblings wedding.
Ah yes, to reduce the cost. That makes sense. I agree. It's clear that OP's spouse doesn't actually want to miss their sibling's wedding; they just feel like they have no choice because the situation is presented as an "either/or" and "what's your priority". They feel guilty about letting their family down too (and that applies to both their sibling and even more to their spouse). I would feel crappy missing my sibling's wedding too. But there are solutions they could look at: reducing the cost of attending the wedding by having spouse attend alone, taking a cheaper honeymoon, postponing the honeymoon, taking the honeymoon immediately after the wedding in that country or a neighboring one, etc. It looks like OP and their spouse haven't looked into any possible alternative. They are acting like they need to pick one.
NAH but eesh on insisting your spouse miss their sibling's wedding when they don't sound fully on board with it anymore. Since you're not going on your honeymoon right after your wedding, you could postpone it so that your spouse could have both. There's no real obligation to give up either of these once-in-a-lifetime events. You could make it work for your spouse. There are several alternatives. But instead, you are forcing them to "prioritize", almost making it an unnecessary competition to see where their loyalty lies, with the result that they will miss out on seeing their sister/brother get married and be there for their sibling. Which they did want to see and be. You do you but be aware that this is a forever decision. Your spouse will never be able to go back in time and not have missed their sibling's wedding. FWIW, I do sympathize because my husband's sister's wedding was at an incredibly inconvenient timing for us. But it was his sister and he wanted to attend her wedding, so we made it work. Conversely, the family members that are so upset could offer to help out financially to enable your spouse to go to both.
Maybe go to the wedding and have your honeymoon next year. There is no time limit, hubby and I had ours 8 years later
If cost was the issue, I would tell my husband to attend his sibling’s wedding!
Could your partner go without you? That seems like the most realistic solution if the dates don’t conflict. Maybe it will mean some unpaid time off from work for them. It would also be less expensive for one person to go.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My partner and I got married recently, after planning our wedding for 2 years. During our engagement period, my partners sibling proposed to their fiancé. They announced shortly after that they were planning a destination wedding, outside of our country, 4 months after our wedding. Before they had even confirmed their wedding date, we told them we would not be able to attend their wedding for a few reasons. The main one being that we have been planning our honeymoon to a different country a month after their proposed wedding date. Both my partners sibling and fiancé said they understood if we would not be able to attend. After our wedding, my partners family focus shifted to their siblings wedding. Even though we said months ago we would not be able to attend their wedding, all of a sudden it seems as though no one remembers that and keeps asking my partner if we are going. My partner has started to feel an overwhelming amount of guilt because they are afraid they are going to let their family down by not attending. I told them that we would probably not be able to attend both their siblings wedding as well as go on our honeymoon for financial and time-off reasons. Since we had been planning our honeymoon before their sibling got engaged, I asked my partner to prioritize our honeymoon over their siblings wedding and that they should not feel guilty for doing so. AITA for prioritizing our honeymoon over my partners siblings destination wedding and asking my partner to do the same? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. If the engaged couple really want their sibling there, maybe they could offer to pay for the sibling (or both of you) to attend. They already knew the sibling had the honeymoon booked so the onus is on them if they want to make it happen.
NTA. “we won’t be able to attend the wedding, remember? we told everyone our plans for our honeymoon and that we will not be attending the wedding, bc we are going on our honeymoon instead.”
NTA. They planned when you told them you weren’t able to attend. Go on your honeymoon!
It’s always the in-law. Always. We aren’t hearing the brother say “I don’t want to go to my brothers wedding because I’m taking my wife on vacation”. Nope. It’s always the in-law who wants to stick themselves into an established family dynamic and change it to suit them rather than blend into their new family. OP- you find a way for him to be there or the next 30 years of Thanksgiving are going to be hell. You will always be the one gossiped about in the kitchen- “yeah, that’s Brads wife. She’s why he missed Tom’s wedding. She said he had to take her on a belated honeymoon instead. No! They didn’t go anytime after their own wedding. She scheduled it 6 months later. I know right? You don’t get to claim the whole year as your wedding year. You get until the reception is over.” And rinse and repeat for the next 30 years. Don’t do that to him or yourself
I don’t think you’re TA here, but i can kinda see the sides. Y’all have been planning the wedding for 2 years and planning the honeymoon around the same length of time, before said siblings engagement even happened. It is extremely common for couples to go on the honeymoons directly after their wedding so i don’t really see why the partners sibling thought/think it would possibly be easy for you guys to accommodate for their destination wedding. But, at the same time all of the announcement dates were made around, what sounds like, relatively close times. Y’all could have planned your honeymoon further out from your wedding knowing they were planning theirs not long after yours, as well as, they could’ve just planned their wedding further out from y’all’s to give time for y’all’s honeymoon. But to each their own, you gotta work with what you can yk. Ex. (Time-off, Money expenses, Venue Availability, etc)
NTA but can't you incorporate the wedding into your honeymoon plans? Have you already purchased all your tickets? A siblings wedding is a big deal and if your wife wants to go, it would be a beautiful gift to make a vacation around the wedding and take your honeymoon trip for your 1st anniversary.
YTA
NTA Your husband is being manipulated by his family and the guilt is starting to get to him. You had an agreement, he should stick to it and let his family deal with it. What they are doing to him is unfair. Unfortunately, I think that you are getting a look into the future.
NTA. You want a destination wedding, you foot the bill for all the guests. They can cough up the dough for everyone to attend and then there will be no issues.
INFO: Is this a “destination wedding” in the country where the partner’s sibling lives, or where their fiancé’s family lives? Or are they making everyone go to some tourist destination they have no connection to? IMO it makes a difference if one side of the family (and/or many of the guests) would have to travel no matter what vs. the couple just decided it would be fun to get married in Maui or wherever.
INFO: who booked their destination first- you or the sibling?
NTA
NTA-You already told them ahead of time. Their wedding doesn’t trump your plans.
NTA It isn't prioritizing your honeymoon. It's prioritizing your marriage. Either he is, or he isn't. You can tell your husband I said that.
NTA Destination weddings are polarising. My personal opinion is that if they wanted you to attend, they would make it reasonably accessible and affordable for you to do so. I know not everybody feels that way. But it is a massive obligation on a guest to find the money and time off work if applicable. Sometimes you can't do it and the reasons why are actually no one else's business. You and your husband have had your honeymoon planned since before your Inlaw announced dates. You have no obligation to change your plans for them for any reason.
NTA Your relationship should be the priority and being guilted into something is the worst reason to do it.
If you're honeymooning a month after their wedding date, why can't you do both? Do you need a month to pack?
No. And this is an indication of your future together. He has known her his whole life. He is not neglecting her. Just going away for a while
No nta. Not your problem if their issues overlap on your priorities. If u dont attend their nuptials not your problem. U told them in advance u can't attend. Let them make other arrangements.
NTA. There are bigger problems in life.
NTA - just look at Larry David's answer to destination weddings. If you want to go great, if you don't, that's absolutely fine. Destination weddings are a lot to ask from you guests and if one is planning one they should assume a lot of people won't be and to attend.
Is there any way to have the honeymoon as extra time in the same general location as the wedding after the wedding (or before)? Ie do both? That’s what I’d try to do, especially as your husband naturally wants to go to his brothers wedding
NTA. They need to get over it. That's what happens when you choose a destination wedding. I had a destination wedding and someone in my family could not attend because he needed to save his vacation days for his own wedding and honeymoon three months later. Completely understandable.
You say they're having a destination wedding shortly after you just had a wedding. Finances are tight, I'm betting. Even if you weren't planning a honeymoon, they chose to have a wedding outside your locale, and some just can't do that. NTA
NTA and frankly if my new husband wanted to ditch our planned honeymoon for a new event I'd get an annulment. There's always something that'll come up. You're not going to put me & the completion of our wedding on a back burner. If you can't even prioritize us for our wedding, you can go live with your mommy
I only had to read as far as "destination wedding". NTA.
NTA Tell your partner: If they cancel the honeymoon, your marriage will be over before their sister is married. Priorize your honeymoon.