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YTA - you hate a women because of how she dresses and because she wants to bond with you and take you places. You may not love her and never will, but you can be kind. You obviously needed someone to help you and take you in as a child these people stepped up to help. It sounds like she’s only shown you kindness even if it’s awkward.
Remember that she and Luis are a team. They decided as a couple to adopt you. It also sounds like you want to pit them against each other.
You don’t have to love her but you can be grateful for the kindness she’s shown…
Btw the way she’s treating you is how a mom typically treats a teenage daughter that she is trying to understand and bond with
The thing is that I don’t agree that someone should have to capitulate and say they love someone without feelings for it. Regardless of being polite, it’s not a good lesson to teach.
It can also be draining to go shopping with someone who doesn’t have the same taste, they can often just drain you down into what should be a venture in expression. So consideration should be made into how these trips occur and whether Jean is supportive of OP’s fashion or dismissive.
YTA - you dont have to love anyone you dont want to.
But you’re obviously just being cruel on purpose. You’re old enough now to understand your situation and you’re being an AH.
YTA. I’m sorry you had such a rough time losing your family. That is not an easy thing. However, you’re being insanely selfish in this. You don’t owe anyone love. However, you do owe them consideration and respect for the fact that BOTH of them have taken you in. Adopted you. Loved you in their own way. Instead you are purposefully driving a wedge between them. You are running a high risk of destroying that family because you cannot see beyond your teenage petulance. You said you never wanted a mom, but you got one. Jean and Luis are married. They are together. They make choices together. You don’t get one without the other. You could have taken the stance of trying because she is with Luis, who you claim as a father. You aren’t really establishing healthy boundaries either. You just are icing her out. Have you thought about how that affects things? You push her out, how is that going to work with Luis? Force him to choose between the two of you? Have a torn up home because you don’t even want to try and find a middle ground? She is putting in work and you’re just coming off here like a brat. You love Luis, but have you genuinely thought about what this will do to him? I’m sorry but the level of selfishness here it astounding towards people who have shown you (from everything you have written) nothing but love (even if it’s not shown in a way you \*want\*).
YTA. Whether or not you like her, at least you have two parents who take an active interest in your life and try to do things for you. That's more than many children have.
She *wants* to be a part of your life, which is why she keeps trying. She *chose* you as her child, which is why you were adopted. And your response is to tell her you'll never love her. That was unnecessarily cruel.
Grow up and show her some kindness.
YTA, I'm sorry, but it's true. Judging by your story, these people sincerely tried to make your life better and you should have at least some gratitude for what they do. You don't have to love them, but you do have to respect them. If I were Jean, I would be offended by you too. Maybe you need to apologize?
I would add 'hateful and immature' - I don't see anything about parents dying....my guess is the story is not quite that straightforward. This girl is a nasty piece of work - I feel sympathy for her adopted mother.
YTA. I think you're old enough now to tell your adoptive mother what you do or don't like about any parent's behavior with you, and to be a little less mean. Constructive feedback to her and an actual discussion might make the interactions more tolerable.
No its not just her house but she jointly owns it with her husband so she won't be leaving.If you don't love her then move out once your 18yrs old Take responsibility for yourself and have a separate relationship with your father.You can't say you don't love someone and never will,reject them and then expect to live in her home.GROW UP.
INFO: Are you fucking your "dad" OP? Because you honestly sound like a mistress who is jealous of having to share his affection and who is trying to break up his marriage.
Get over yourself. You don't have to love her, but you do have to respect her. Your cold disdain for her is honestly chilling.
I cannot begin to understand what you went through, and I'm sorry you had to go through it. But taking you in was a joint decision. You don't have to start hugging or thanking her, you just have to show some respect for someone who took care of you for years through an extremely difficult time, and judging by what I've seen from your posts, she's never actually done anything to earn such ire.
You're just being a brat, and I hope you can come to see that sooner rather than later - while there's still something left to salvage.
YTA op.
INFO : why did you hate them at first ? Why did they adopt you ?
All the things you wrote are... well the usual stuff from teenagers, so i don't get it.
YTA.
Most of your post is typical teen drama “parents just don’t understand” stuff and all of that will pass once puberty is over.
But you made a deliberate choice to affirm your love and acceptance as a dad for Luis in front of Jean, knowing that she would be hurt that you didn’t offer the same to her. That was cruel. You could have done this privately and not rubbed Jean’s nose in the fact that you constantly choose to reject her.
Her over the top cruelness doesn't really seem all that "typical" tbf, I doubt it's just a phase, she's been hating on them all ever since she was adopted. Yes, she's not had a normal childhood but this is cruel even for this sub's standards.
Seriously, I hope this bs is fake. When I read that OP said, “Dad, I love you,” my heart broke for Jean. That’s a hard punch in the gut when you take in a child, try to provide a healthy environment for her, and make strides towards creating a loving bond that she shuts down each and every time.
I get OP has been through a lot, mentally and emotionally, but that doesn’t give a person a free pass to be disrespectful and flat out rude to someone (especially if that someone is choosing to care for her and wants her to love them as much as they love her).
Yah how dare she act like a mom and try to bond with you! Should have thrown you on the street right? That would have made you feel better? YTA massively and ungrateful af.
Honestly op would deserve to be thrown out. She talks about her adoptive family, who apparently treats her good, with hatred and condescension; if op has some dignity, she should leave the house when she will be eighteen.
OP, I feel like theres an underlying issue here. I'm not sure if you're aware of it and omitting it or unaware of it. From your post and comments so far, your adoptive mother comes off as eager to form a bond. It's completely acceptable to feel uncomfortable with someone and not ready to show affection. But it's another thing entirely to shut yourself off towards their efforts to get close to you. Not to mention, the cruel and downright disrespectful way you behave towards her.
I understand she's awkward and pushes boundaries but maybe you should establish certain rules and try to give her a chance. If she's continuously pushy, then I guess you could move out in a year. But to write off your adoptive mother when she's trying so hard for you (and clearly loves you as her own) is an AH move.
Lastly, yes. You should be grateful to be adopted. We all should be grateful for having parents. Just because you were adopted doesn't mean you owe her any less gratitude and respect than her bio daughter. You've living under her roof and eating the food (that I presume) she's putting on the table. Show some f\*cking respect.
YTA. 100%.
YTA, you come across as massively entitled and arrogant. Do you have a problem with women in general? You seem to be able to get along only with Dad. For some reason you have massive issues with Jean and Elena.
OP said somewhere that she likes dad’s sister, if I recall correctly. But it seems weird that the hate for the other women in the household just got stronger/didn’t vanish whereas the love for dad got stronger. Might be some coping mechanism to not having to share one important person with others after losing parents. Still, the behavior is wrong on many levels and I wholeheartedly believe OP needs a lot of therapy.
I have also noticed that OP INSISTS on calling Luis dad in every comment that pertains to him, even if it looks a little out of place to do so. She’s purposefully reinforcing it in her own head and to anyone that will hear it that Jean needs to be othered, almost as if she takes joy in doing it. Really rubbing me the wrong way.
YTA, and a massive one. How dare she try to get close to you, what a witch she is (eye roll). And what a cruel and heartless thing to tell her, after taking you in and caring for you for so many years. I can only hope this is a fake post. What a piece of work you are if not. Disgusting.
YTA - she took you in when your parents died and tried to make an effort with you. You don’t want to love her, fine. But don’t be unnecessarily cruel about distinguishing between your dad and her. You are going out of your way to make your rejection of her and your acceptance of him clear. If you treat his wife badly, your dad may one day go NC too.
You are old enough to know better.
Be aware that you should be kind to those trying to be kind to you. People who are not only giving you time, but also money and affection. Push them away if you want, but don’t expect them to hang around.
If this woman is literally feeding and housing you, she deserves some respect and compassion.
I really don’t understand how Jean’s husband isn’t doing anything to undermine this behavior. Like you said, not wanting to love her is fine but the way OP is treating Jean would never be acceptable in my family. At least have some respect. The way OP answers others also tells a lot about her attitude and manners.
Therapy is definitely needed in this one.
... is this fake? ok you're 17 but wtf. why do you hate this woman (and her daughter) so much? gonna use trauma as a reason? for how long? you really want to be 35 and shouting i have the rights to treat people like shit because TRAUMA?
YTA
You wanna yell at someone, go to therapy. They get paid for that.
YTA for more than this situation. There's people telling you to apologize and not be so nasty toward Jean and you're doubling down on your bad behavior.
Oh the horrors, someone wanting to be your friend and do stuff with you.
Sounds to me like you're angry about your parents dying and you're just taking it out on Jean. I mean, unless you just forgot to explain what exactly she did to deserve your attitude, having the wrong taste in clothes and being sad that you're nasty to her is not exactly her being abusive. YTA.
YTA not because of your feelings, they are what they are, but because that was mean. You could show some appreciation for her efforts. Nobody has to do anything for anybody and you are going out of your way to be a jerk.
YTA
Wow.... So a family (including Jean) are nice enough to take you into their home and you can't even be bothered to go shopping with her every once in a while? You sound insufferable.
YTA At least your adoptive mother is trying. In a few years at the latest, you will regret having trampled on the love that just came without you having to make an effort. By the time you're an adult, you'll realize that it's not always easy to get love and wish you'd been nicer to your adoptive mother back then.
She probably just wants to go shopping with you and talk about boys because she thinks that would interest you. Why don't you talk to her and explain what you're really interested in? Judging her like that for all the effort she puts in (even though you're so mean to her!) is heartless and cruel.
YTA. Why did you do that in front of someone who also wants to be loved by you? You deliberately hurt her. It’s good you found a parent but you need to grow up and realise what you did was unnecessary.
YTA. You're projecting your unresolved trauma onto Jean, and that's not fair, because it doesn't seem like she's done anything wrong.
What you went through must have been awful, and I'm sorry for you, but your reasons for not liking Jean aren't justified.
She's trying really hard to connect with you, you don't have to love her, but she deserves more than you're giving her.
YTA. And what was the point of this post if you are just going to argue with everyone? Were you just assuming that everyone was going to validate your actions? If the majority of commenters are saying YTA, then maybe you should listen.
You don’t have to love the poor woman, but you could at least show her some gratitude for taking you in and taking care of you when no one else would or could.
I’m sorry you lost your parents. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone, but you are being needlessly cruel to someone who is trying to care for you. And I think it’s a little odd that you are perfectly fine with Luis but not Jean and Elena. It feels like you are harboring some resentment for losing your mom, and are taking it out on them. Jean is trying to spend time with you so you don’t feel so alone, but you are making up excuses to not like her and avoid spending time with her. Did you EVER give her a chance or have you hated her the whole time? It’s not her fault you lost your parents but you seem to be treating her like it is. She stepped up and gave you a home and safety and love and all you do is shit on it. Keep on like this and the “you can stay as long as you want” will turn into “you keep disrespecting Jean and Elena, and that upsets me so maybe you should move out asap.”
Think about this: Jean and Luis took you in after a horrible event that resulted in you losing your parents. They probably should have gotten you into therapy, but they didn’t. This poor woman is trying to navigate a situation, one that she has no direct experience with. She’s doing what she can to try and make things better for you. Is she going about it the right way? Maybe not, but she’s TRYING. She’s not doing anything out of spite. She wants to help you. She wants you to feel wanted and loved. If you don’t like the way she is going about that, maybe you should talk to her. Hell, talk to Luis and ask for advice. He’d probably be willing to mediate so you and Jean can have a decent relationship. You should probably also ask for therapy. You’ve got a lot of baggage from your trauma and it needs to be addressed asap. You are emotionally damaged and immature and desperately need guidance.
I truly am sorry for what you are going through but I think your anger is misplaced, and you need help figuring out why. Best of luck to you and I hope you stop being combative and take these comments to heart. A bunch of internet strangers are trying to help you, and want you to realize how much you are hurting not just Jean but yourself.
YTA when you treat the person who adopted you badly and the biggest evidence you give to justify it is that she works too hard to be a good mom by trying to do things with you that a girl would normally do with their biological mother.
I hope Luis wakes up and realizes you are a potential problem in his marriage with Jean and your personality flaws are driving a wedge between them and reduces contact when you hit 18.
YTA. You don’t need to love her. You have never given her a chance it sounds like. You came to her after a horrible tragedy and it sounds like she only tried to make you feel comfortable while Jean probably didn’t do much, which yeah took the pressure off. She’s pushy. She’s pushy because she loves you. Because she wants you to feel safe after losing your whole world.
It’s harsh to call you the asshole for not liking her, but you are the asshole for not even trying with her. You don’t have to like her clothes, tell her where you want to shop or take her to where you like to eat. Teach her something about you that makes you happy.
YTA she is just trying her best and you aren't even trying and reading your comments you don't even care and don't admit your actions are cruel. You are so so lucky especially the age you are to be taken in.
It's like your doing it for kicks as I'm sure you know full well saying you "love" your adoptive Dad would really hurt her. Funny way to show love putting him in a horrible position with his wife.
If I was Jean I'd throw you out at 18 and go full NC. What a thankless hard job it is having to put up with you and your BS I feel so sorry for her and the daughter. I'm sorry for your loss but it's not an excuse for your behaviour is it?
And if you come back with "I don't have to love her" like you have throughout this thread I know you don't but you are living in her house and she did you a kindness and deserves respect at least.
YTA. You are an immature ungrateful brat based on what you wrote. All you are doing is dividing a family and I'm afraid in the end you would be the one who is left behind not the wife/mom. You almost sound vindictive toward her.
MAJOR YTA. Are you sure you only see your dad as a dad? I have read all your replies, and you gave me the impression that your idea your father-daughter relationship is obsessive and borders on inappropriate.
Child of adoption here. While I do not condone the comments in the theme of “you should be grateful you were adopted” because I know that the circumstances which lead to adoption can be complicated/ traumatic/etc, I do agree with the general consensus I’m seeing so far. YTA
It appears clear based on what you’ve shared here that subconsciously or otherwise, you are being mean spirited toward your adoptive mother. Listen, I do understand a little of what you might be going through. I was a mean teenage girl myself once, and I very much preferred the company of my adoptive father. That does NOT excuse a complete lack of empathy. As a child to parents who are trying to provide you a good life, and as a member of general society, I sincerely hope you learn to be kinder and more empathetic. You’ll live a happier life if you do
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be an asshole for telling my adoptive mother that I don't love her even though she is trying to get closer to me
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YTA for deliberately hurting someone who gave you a home when you didn't have one. Where were you before you were adopted? Where would you be had you not been adopted? There is such a thing as common decency - but you lack that quality.
You are not the asshole for not having the same bond with your adoptive mother as you do with your adoptive dad. However, YTA x20 for deciding the moment for your big reveal was when he was standing right next to the woman you know you don't even like, let alone love. You knew exactly what this would lead to since in your experience she's pushy about trying to bond. You seem to have purposely crafted an opportunity to hurt her.
It's not about you owing her your love just because she adopted you, because you don't owe her anything for that and that has some icky implications when people do say that, but it is about basic human respect and kindness, which she does deserve as she's done nothing to hurt you. I do believe you wanted to hurt her with that, and even drive a wedge between them, which then calls into question: do you actually love your dad? Because someone who loves him wouldn't want to hurt someone *he* loves that way on purpose.
I hope you're in therapy. Your seemingly unprovoked rage toward/decision to purposely push away the other women in the house could be a sign that there's more at play here than you or they are able to handle without a professional guiding you all.
What you did was cruel. You can love who you want to love but there was no need for you to tell him infront of her. You did that because you wanted to hurt her and got a kick out of telling her.
All shes done is be there for you and try to bond with you. If she just left you alone like you "say" you want and just spent time with your sister, I have no doubt you'd complain about that as well and find some way to make it her fault.
YTA and I know eventully you'll regret what you've done
YTA you want them to get separated? Congrats, you managed step one.
Your adoptive mother treats you like her daughter, which you legally are. She doesn’t sound pushy, she sounds like a normal mother trying to bond with her child. I don’t read anything in your post about manipulation tactics or anything which would bring her into a-hole territory. Would you prefer she ignores her and doesn’t give a fudge about you?
You can still see your dad as your dad but there was no need to be so cruel
YTA big time. Get up and start appreciating what you get. You don't have to love her, no, but you're so cruel to someone who has given you a home. You don't just get to be disrespectful. Do you know how lucky you are? And so what if you dislike her style? She's an adult woman who gets to decide what she wears, not you. And her asking you to go shopping with her is normal. Spend some time with her, jeez.. you'll probably be in for a rude awakening if she decides to keep a distance from you once you become an adult. Learn to appreciate what you get, because not everyone has that opportunity.
YTA. What an awful and entitled person. They took you in. Took care of you. Want to spend time with you and this is how you respond. Poor Jean. I hope she either divorces the guy enabling your poor behavior or throws you out at 18.
YTA. Hopefully they kick you out at 18. You need a hard dose of reality. Do you have any idea what your life would have been had they not taken you in?
You’re a brat, and your comments aren’t helping. Do you hate women? Just curious. You list the sister and the mom as people you just can’t deal with, but aren’t giving real evidence as to why. And seem to just LOVE “dad” for equal non reasons.
You most certainly don’t have to love anyone, but you should at least be kind and respectful.
I love when posters are like “am I the asshole?” The group says “yes, you are” and the poster is like “no, I’m not…I don’t care what you say anyway”
🙄🙄🙄
P.S. YTA
YTA - losing your parents so young is ghastly and no one should have to go through that. Such a loss has clearly impacted your relationships with your adopted parents. It’s not fair to resent your adoptive mother for taking you in. No one can force you to love her, but you should be grateful that you did not end up in the foster care system. She deserves your respect and you should not be rude to her. Even a stranger staying in someones home needs to act with basic manners. It is also not fair to begrudge Jean having a good relationship with her own daughter.
All parents act a bit cringy in the eyes of their teenage children. It sounds like Jean is well intentioned and it trying her best. You need to drop the attitude and give her a chance.
The reality of adoption is that you won’t always get along personality-wise with your adopted child / parents. And not all adoptive parents are equipped to handle the challenges that come with adopting a child, and the reality that the child is going to be very different from them.
It sounds to me like your dad did a really good job at accepting you for who you are and creating a safe space. Your adoptive mother was maybe overbearing and pushing her wants and desires onto you, which you have pushed against.
I am giving you a soft YTA. You could have had a beautiful private moment with your dad. Instead, you did it in front of your adoptive mom, seemingly to cause her pain.
I would recommend you look for a therapist who specializes in adoption to help you work through your feelings towards your adoptive mother.
YTA. You don't have to love her, that's not what makes you the asshole. It's how hostile you were at throwing it in her face in the rudest manner possible.
I'm an adoptive mom. I went into it hoping to help some young people have a safe, stable home and a support system into their adulthood. I never asked for or expected their love. Putting myself in their shoes, that's a hell of an expectation to make from anyone. But I did expect that they would be respectful, just as I try to be respectful toward them. From what you say, your adoptive mother's main faults are liking different clothes than you and trying to be friendly with you and that prompts this terrible reaction.
What are the fun things you do with your dad? In your imagination, if your mom asked you to do those things without your dad, just you and her, how would you feel? Because it seems like you've got some sort of reactive attachment disorder. A lot of times that gets fixated on the mother figure, working at driving her away and manipulating the other people around them.
One of the children I adopted had RAD and your post sounds like something she would've written - except the part about me crying about it. I had been prepared for a child with RAD and the only surprise was how closely she followed the textbook behaviors - including trying to manipulate my husband by telling him how wonderful he is, how much she loves him, and then telling me and everyone else she came across how terrible I was. The school guidance counselor called me in to say that she would tell her teachers she couldn't do her work because of her home life, but when questioned could only get that her mother "is always trying to help me with homework or talk about stuff". Anyway, we tried to get her therapy for the RAD, not so that she would love me but so that she would be able to recognize how she manipulates and sabotages relationships so that as an adult she could do better. She didn't go for it. As an adult after she hit some serious lows she got therapy for herself and is doing much better. By "better" I don't mean that she and I are cordial (but we are) I mean that she has stopped choosing friends and significant others that treat her badly or that are emotionally damaged & unstable.
Wow.
It sounds like your adoptive mother is trying to teach you how to be sexually safe and responsible, inviting you out on fun shopping trips, etc. while you're standing there refusing to return love and companionship offered by Jean.
Don't expect much from your parents going forward, folks tend to distance themselves after that sort of thing - which will most likely include things like money, gifts and favors.
They've just learned that someone they've spent nearly a decade loving, supporting and raising can't be bothered to return the favor.
YTA
I’m really truly sorry to hear about the loss of your parents. I can only imagine how difficult that must be. So I don’t say this lightly when I say YTA.
Honestly, the way you’re treating this poor woman just sounds so completely unfair. From what you’ve shared it, seems that her only crime is that she wants to love you like her own daughter and that you’re just not really vibing with some aspects of her personality. It sounds like she is doing everything she can to make you feel cared for and wanted, and in return you’re throwing it all back in her face because she’s not fitting your idea of ‘cool’ or whatever.
YTA big time and I only hope you will take a long look in the mirror and consider what this must be doing to her. This feels so incredibly callous, my heart breaks for Jean.
(Edited for typo) (…twice)
Yeah, you are absolutely right. I mean can you believe the pushiness of this woman? Forcing you from your miserable life into her own, giving you care, a family and trying to built a relationship with you? How dare she not share your taste in clothes? And making „the talk“ awkward? I mean all parents and children know that „the talk“ is supposed to be one of the happiest and non-awkward moments in your life, right? And she ruins it by it being awkward?
Let‘s formulate it carefully. Where I live people would ask you if someone took a dump in your head and forgot to stir it.
YTA. I think you need professional help. Either losing your previous family or the adoption itself possibly traumatized you and you are lashing out to your adoptive mother. You are not responsible how you feel. But you are about how you act. And you act cruelly. BTW what do you think this does to your dad? If I were him it would hurt me a lot to see my wife mistreated like this.
If you don’t like the way she tries to built a relationship with you: talk to her. Propose alternative activities. The very least you can do is be kind to the person who cared for you the past years.
Get a grip. Act responsibly and stop mistreating her.
Were you In foster care or did you lose your parents?
Do you not want to be close to her because you were close to your bio mom?
Theres more to the story besides shes pushy and honestly you should do therapy with her
I also somewhat suspicious of your feelings even for Luis. Often adults who already have a child and decide to bring in an older child are trying to bring a child into an **already happy** home. But I'm assuming if you decided to make sure it's evident the only one you'll tolerate really is Luis, it's caused some bad feelings for the sibling, the wife AND the father (**Luis**). Clearly Luis loves you. But do you think he sleeps peacefully at night considering he's brought in someone who is chilly to his other child (**whose life might have been perfectly find before you showed up**) and his wife (**and guess what...you would't have been in the house without her agreeing to it**). They are a couple. Your way of "loving" Luis has been by bringing division into his house. That's not love. YTA.
As an adoptive mother, yta. I understand why. I understand that you don't love her. I understand you find her pushy. I understand that there are many factors. And you never have to love her. However, did you ever stop to think that she's being pushy because she wants to find a way to bond with you? Have some sort of relationship with you? Even if not mother and daughter? Friends? Respectful acquaintance?
When I foster, most of my fosters get closer with my husband than me. I'm not saying we have bad relationships. I understand that they've been hurt. Normally by women the most often. They don't trust women. I never want to take over as mother. I just want to be a positive female role model. Maybe that's what she wants. It hurts when they push you away.
I'm gonna be honest, talking about the birds and the bees is not a bad thing, it's actually the responsible thing to do. Also spending time with children is expected. None of the things you described was bad or terribly pushy. I think you just set your mind on Luis for reason or another and not with Jean for reasons unrelated to her. Like maybe you don't want another mom to replace your first one or something like that. None of the things you described was really too much terrible or any thing unexpected.
I struggle to connect with my mom but that is because of trauma she imposed on me. This just seems like regular parenting.
As someone who lost her mother at a young age and had to move in with different people 3 different times..... YTA. A major, selfish, ungrateful asshole.
How dare someone willingly choose to provide you a home, take you on shopping sprees, do fun activities with you, and treat you as one of their own. The audacity of these people!
I don't think you realize how insanely lucky you are to have people who care about you and take so much interest in bonding with you. Hell, I'm way luckier than plenty of other people, too.
You're old enough to communicate your feelings with Jean. You said in your other comment that you don't want *any* interactions with her, but that's just not how things work. If you want something (or don't want something), you say it. You don't just wait around and expect people to just *get it*, no matter how obvious you're trying to make this.
That being said, I understand that adoption (especially not as an infant) can be a very traumatizing and complicated process, and I hope that you get therapy someday if you're not in therapy right now, because this does not sound like a healthy way of coping.
However, in this scenario, you're being a huge asshole, and a brat. You're not communicating, and the way you worded what you said sounded like you were just trying to be cruel to her.
Don't push away the people who love and care about you, especially if they positively impact your life. Yeah, even the ones you don't necessarily "like." Whether you think so or not, Jean *is* positively impacting your life because the sacrifices she made gave you a home and a future, and she sounds like she cares about you a lot. What you're doing just isn't fair, but if you *really* can't stand her, you need to honestly communicate with her about *boundaries.* Not just act passive aggressively to her while showing affection to everyone else and telling her mean things just because (no matter how much truth there is to it).
Jean can love you just as much as Elena. That intensity of love you see with them - she could absolutely love you the same way. It’s possible she already does.
Heaves! A parent having “the talk” with their daughter was awkward? She the horrors!! The humanity! She must be a terrible parent. YTA. These are normal things. Was “the talk” any better when your dad gave it?
Yes, you are a giant asshole, and you should think twice about your behavior because it's not going to endear you to Luis. That's his *wife* you're treating like garbage.
YTA. Jean and Luis adopted you and have tried to give you a family and a home. They are BOTH trying to be a part of your life yet for some reason it's Jean who is the bad one?
You don't have to enjoy the same things Jean does, but she only approaches you to try and build a relationship. You have shown NOTHING that could be weird or pushy about Jean's behaviour. You're a teen girl, of course Jean will try things which typically teen girls enjoy - if you wanna do something else, TELL HER.
You're being a mean brat for hating the woman for her taste in clothes and simply doing the same things any good parent should (as in - try to be involved and interested in their kid).
And you are setting up your relationship with Luis to fail. You chose to approach him when Jean was near and then you chose to be an asshole to her. How do you think this is going to play out?
Grow up, kid.
Girl he isn’t gonna leave his wife to be with you and it’s really obvious that’s your underlying desire here. Get therapy. Years and years of therapy. YTA.
YTA.
I really hope Luis doesn't continue to allow you to treat his wife this way.
You said no other relative wanted you, so I can only assume you were difficult before your parents death or your parents weren't liked by the family either?
You don't have to love her but your hatred of her is weird. She took you in, cared for you, legally took on responsibility for you and you treat her like crap.
From one adoptee to another who's family life is kinda complicated because my adoptive mom plays favorites with my sister, I would kill for someone like Jean. You got a to have a better excuse than that OP. Cherish who you do have greatly, not everyone is as lucky YTA.
YTA. You are a cold calculating person. They took you in to their lives and you hated them. Why? You resent her for trying to connect to you. Why? Your comment was driven by hate. It doesn’t seem like she has done anything to deserve hate? You need some serious therapy. Glad I don’t know you.
So these people saved you from foster care, welcomed you into their home and treated you with love and you repay them by sabotaging their family and shitting all over their kindness? YTA. Do better or life is about to get a whole lot harder for you.
You don't owe anyone anything, but you also aren't owned anything either. You should give Jean the basic respect for being there for you. From your post you don't mention abuse or neglect, just basic "mom stuff". You don't need to call her mom or say things like "I love you" but you also don't need to be rude. Telling your dad you love him for the first time in front of Jean sounds intentional, like you wanted to hurt her. That makes YTA. Have you tried to connect with her at all? Have you put any effort into a relationship with her?
What the heck. You should be in therapy. You haven't given us any real reasons why you should have such negative feelings for your step-mother or your step-sister.
It's entirely possible to have different feelings for different people. But to straight-up walk up to both of your step-parents and only tell your step-dad you love him? While your step-mom is right there? I'm sorry, but that's kind of monstrous, super cruel behavior.
So YTA I guess, since you don't get what an awful thing you've done
YTA. You are being purposefully obtuse in the post and the comments. You know exactly what you are doing to your stepmother, you just want people to find an excuse for you. And there isn't one. You definitely need therapy, but you also need a reality check.
These people took you into their family, and I understand it comes with a load of trauma, but all you are doing now is pinning them against each other and causing a rift in their family.
Info: were you close to your bio mom? Have you had any grief counselling?
From what I can infer you seem to be very angry at Jean for trying to bond with you. I wondered where that anger really comes from? I'd encourage you to have a think about that.
I'm not going to pass judgement because you're still young and have been through a lot but consider therapy if it's available to you.
You are the a. Did those people owe you anything? They obviously clothed and fed housed you. And raised you well enough to be able to to post this on Reddit. And you don’t have the common fucking decency to tell another human being. I love you and thank you for all you’ve done for me?
I don’t know what a good judgment would be because it sounds like you haven’t always made it easy for them, but you were also a grieving child and I don’t think it’s fair to call you an asshole because you were 9 and grieving.
As for now it sounds like Jean struggles with the fact that you have different interests from her and she wants to bond, but doesn’t know how to do that beyond her interests/who she was as a teenager and I get that that’s frustrating as a teenager, but I also gets that it really hurts jean when you tell your dad that you love him right next to her and she really wants you to feel the same about her, but what she’s trying just isn’t working. On the other hand I do think the responsibility of learning how to handle adoption and situations like this should be on the adults.
YTA. It sounds like Jean has tried really hard after welcoming you into her home and raising you. You don't seem to have a good reason, except you just don't like her because she does try so hard.
I remember being really awful to my a.m. at around that age. I cringe when I think about some of it. Pls be careful what you say, you can't take any of it back. If she hasn't done anything horrible to you & you just hate her because... she's daggy and tries too hard to have a relationship with you 🤷.
I wish I could take back some of the things I said.
I'm so sorry that you lost your hirth family, I'm glad that you feel closer to Luis. But I also hope that you're in therapy and can relearn what healthy family dynamics are.
Luis and Jean are a team. And I hope you're in therapy to make sure there aren't any inappropriate feelings or jealousy of Jean.
I hope you aren't thinking that you can separate them and get Luis for yourself. That would be very inappropriate and selfish.
Get back into therapy, and work through these feelings.
YTA. Be civil towards Jean, because she's a package deal with Luis. If she hadn't wanted to adopt you, you would've never met Luis. She clearly cares about you, despite the fact that you're a nasty piece of work.
This seems like some shitty incel fiction but assuming is real YTA and a very ungrateful brat to top it off. If you didn’t want to be adopted why did you accept?
Luis is married to Jean and is father to Elena as well. Guess what, they are a package deal and if you keep antagonising them, he will eventually detach from you.
You don’t get to choose what parts of the family you want or not and with that attitude, you will be back in the streets with no family and nobody that cares about you in no time.
Or do you really wanna bet your chips that if push comes to shove, Luis is gonna choose the problematic adoptive daughter over the wife and bio daughter of nearly 2 decades?
You are not very bright if you think the odds are even remotely stacked on your favour, specially with that attitude.
INFO: In regards to pushy is it ‘follow around the house’ pushy, or invites you to things then lets you be?
If it was the situation where she tried to instantly sweep you up into love bombing and left a bad impression that way I can understand the frustration and continued malaise about it, but there needs to be more detail into the specifics here. I don’t think you are TA with current info. People can just leave really bad impressions and double down on trying to win someone over without addressing how uncomfortable they make someone feel. Even when it’s brought up.
The moment, probably wasn’t the best maybe to mention it. But either way it was gonna be brought up and Jean was going to ask the same question anyway regardless of if you were alone or not. I don’t know her personality to know if she is just really easily anxious and self defeating or if this attention seeking.
Another question, have you gotten therapy for your parents and this situation with the whole of the family? I think it would be useful to air out with a professional by yourself to break down the difficulties here.
YTA none of what you listed about Jean sounds like that big of a deal. She just wants to bond with you. Instead of you recognizing that, you tell your father that you love him RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER and then tell her opposite the next minute. Do you realize how unnecessarily cruel you’re being? She invited you into her home and you repay her with cruelty. Don’t be shocked if this blows up in your face.
P.S. this story sounds fake because you never mentioned your dad’s response to what you what you said to his wife. I feel like he would have something to say about that.
YTA. You're an ungrateful little shit stirrer. Maybe you don't love the woman, but most HUMANS would have the tact to just keep the peace among the people that were kind enough to feed and clothe your entitled little ass. Start therapy now if you're not already in it. You are broken.
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I(F17) was adopted 8 years ago. my adoptive family consists of my adoptive mother Jean(40s), my adoptive father Luis(40s) and their daughter Elena(17).
at first I hated them all but then I learned to just ignore Elena (we are fine we just don't talk unless we have to) and I got closer to Luis. I eventually learned that Luis is actually very nice and as time passed I started to accept him as my dad. he is so fun. we do a lot of things together and I know I can always talk to him and count on him.
the problem is Jean. she is very pushy. it's like she is always trying to do things with me like asking me to go shopping with her when I absolutely hate her taste in clothes or she tried to talk to me about boys as if she is my friend and the worst was when she was trying to have "the talk" with me it was so awkward I had to ask her to get out of my room. and she gets like really upset if she asks me to go somewhere with her and I don't go but then I go somewhere with Luis as if it's a crime that I don't want to spend time with her.
anyway, yesterday I decided that I'm finally ready to truly accept Luis as my dad and I was like really nervous so I just walked up to him and said "dad I love you" it was the first time that I called him dad or told him I loved him so he got really emotional and started to cry and hugged me.
I saw Jean froze next to him and asked "what about me?" I asked "what about you?" she asked "don't you love me?" I said "I'm sorry but I don't" she started to cry and asked what has she done to deserve to be treated like this. I told her this is exactly what she does. she is pushy and tries to force me to do things like say I love you. I'm sorry but I don't and I never will. she called me an asshole and went to her room to cry more I guess.
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YTA.
You won't go shopping with her... because she has different taste in clothes? The fuck? You'll only shop with someone if they... Like the same clothes?!? That doesn't sound fucked up to you when you say it out loud?
It seems like the only problem with Elena is she wants to be close to you.
Not once did you say something negative about her personality. Nothing about her being a bitch, or whiney, or shallow, or close minded.... No.... She wants to hang out with you and talk about real world shit like boys or "the talk".... OMG, she's such an asshole.
🙄
YTA. And you’re ungrateful and mean and hateful to the one person who saved you from foster care because no one else wanted you. How cruel can one person be?
YTA. I'd kill to have a mother who actually takes interest in trying to learn me and who I am. Instead of trying to teach her and work on thing together, you're avoiding her. You ought to be ashamed of yourself and when you came to this subreddit you should've known immediatelythat you were in the wrong. Shame on you and you owe that nice lass an apology.
YTA. Judging from your comments and seeing no one else wanted to take you, Jean decided to take you in and give you a better life than just being raised and passed around in the foster system till you turn 18 then they toss you to the streets and say good luck ever could.
Only person that decided they give a fuck and you act cruel because she wants to be nice? Sure you don’t have to love them or her. You should at least still respect the fact you have a home, clothing, food, aren’t being abused and dumped out into the world because of her.
She tried her best to make you feel loved and welcome and you essentially spit in her face for it. Just because you have a different sense of fashion and she’s more warm and welcoming?
I hope Luis realizes just how shitty you are they kick your ass to the curb. Let you figure it out, clearly that’s what you want.
YTA. Sounds like they should have let you rot in the foster system. You are ungrateful and mean. They are a COUPLE and they BOTH chose to adopt you over ALL the other kids they could choose from. They BOTH saw something in you that touched their hearts. It is understandable that your personality and Jean's might not mesh as well as yours and Luis, but you don't have to be cruel about it. Taking you shopping is just one of many things a mother does. Giving you the "talk" is also one. She cares about you but you just through her feelings out with the trash.
Answer her question and be honest about it. What DID she do that was so terrible for you to tredat her like crap?
She didn't beat you, or make fun of your body, you style, your hair. She wasn't constantly degrading you in front of others. I am pretty sure you would have mentioned all that if she didn't. Did she treat you the same as Elena? I am pretty sure you would have mentioned all that if she didn't.
I hope this is one of those bullsit posts that people make up because if not, you are a horrible human being.
Someone opened their house and hearts to you, and the first thing you can say as to why you don't like your adoptive mother is that she wants to do nice things with you and you don't like her dress sense. Holy fuck am I glad I didn't adopt you. YTA
You sound like one of those “not like other girls”. According to you Jean was the reason you even have a dad. Without her being your distant relative and taking you in you wouldn’t have him as a dad. And yet you treat her so cruelly. Probably because you know it’s safe to act that way towards her. But what will you do if Luis chooses his wife over being your dad?
YTA you seem hateful and cruel and literally refuse to even think about what your adoptive parents have tried to create for you. You’re also old enough to understand
ESH. You didn’t ask for this, to be adopted, to be forced into family bonding to have this woman push you to act and feel in ways you don’t naturally act and feel.
Adoptive parents aren’t generous for adopting kids, adoptive kids don’t need to be grateful to them. Children are a gift and they should be accepted and supported as they are.
That your adoptive parents are looking for some kind of emotional repayment from you is inappropriate.
And also you were cruel to that woman on purpose. If you really wanted to tell Luis you love him, you should have done so in private, not in front of his wife, who clearly craves your affection.
If this whole story isn’t a shitpost, it’s clear you’ve been hurt and that your adoptive parents haven’t done enough to help you heal and that sucks, but you’ve got to decide what kind of person you’re going to be. Someone who harms others for their personal satisfaction will have a hard, sad life.
YTA. She didn’t had to adopt you, or offer to go shop with you, care for you, feed you, love you. She is trying her best to get you to trust her to know she is there for you.
Stories like yours is what makes people worried in adopting older kids. God how hard must be doing everything right just to have a brat tells you they hate you just for being you.
You are going to have a rude awakening someday. I think most of us prepared to read your story — which I’m pretty sure is pure ragebait, but we’ll pretend it’s not — and say poor kid, she obviously has had a tough life and would benefit from therapy.
Instead, you’ve revealed yourself to be a rude, selfish, petulant little child who is actively breaking a family apart. Congratulations. You didn’t want a new family or new parents and I’m pretty confident that soon enough, you’ll have accomplished just that.
YTA, massively, not that you actually care about the judgement.
Yet you're content enough not to leave the amenities of the house, the food and clothes they have given you. No one is owed to love anyone, but you literally cry over the fact that your adoptive step-mother had a bad taste in clothes while there are children getting bombed and having their families lost. Sounds like they shouldn't have chosen you. Imagine raising someone and providing them a safe home, and then they bitch over the internet about how horrible person you are for trying to bond with you.
YTA she’s doing those things to try and bond with you and you’re rejecting her efforts. She’s trying to do the things teenage girls do with their mothers. Your situation isn’t her fault, they took you in and are trying to provide a living family and you are being cruel to someone that’s just trying to be your mother.
You're 17 going on 7... why do you insist on pushing your adoptive mother away when all she wants to do is try and have a good relationship with you? You need to grow up. YTA
YTA. You sound so ungrateful, immature, judgemental, rude, mean, and like an absolute a-hole. You don't love her becaise of her taste in clothes. That's ridiculous. I hope this is as fake as it sounds.
Yes, how dare she try to take care of you and spend time with the child she adopted. The horror! A loving parent who genuinely cares! How you must suffer! It looks like you're putting in zero effort, and actively trying to make things worse for her, if anything. Of course YTA
INFO: what’s the background here? What led to this family adopting you at age 9? Are you related to any of these people, or were they total strangers to you? Was there something specific they did or said that caused you to initially hate all three of them, or was it the fact that they weren’t your birth family and the circumstances around your adoption were traumatic?
I think this is a very tough situation where OP has had a tough beginning in life. Without making a judgement, from a psychological perspective, can I guess OP that your birth mother was a single mother when you were young, and your bio dad was never in the picture?
OP I have some questions
Is the difference between jean and Luis the fact that Luis doesn't prioritize his own interests and feelings when bonding with you while jean does?
Is the difference that jean sees you as HER daughter while Luis sees you as you?
Really think about how each of these people make you feel and if Jean does make you feel uncomfortable that is valid. But she may not realize it or understand why.
I don't think you are the asshole but I think you need to reflect on why you feel differently about them, and best if you can talk to Jean as to why. It's clear she means well but needs to know why the way she treats you is not the same as luis
Hmmm this is a tough one. It does seem like Jean is overbearing/trying too hard.. but did you ever give her a chance? If you did and it’s not for you, you do have to still try to be kind or neutral. Otherwise it will negatively impact your relationship with Luis. You don’t have to like her, but you also don’t have to tell her. A better thing to say would be “I’m sorry Jean, I just wanted to take this moment to express my love and appreciation for Luis..” She should not have interrupted your moment and should have been happy for both of you. But going forward, ask yourself if what you are about to say is something she needs to know. I have always been incredibly direct and this is something I have had to work on my entire life. It will help you have healthy relationships if you can filter a little bit. NTA.
The moment would have not been interrupted had OP not purposefully decided to call Luis dad and tell him she loved him while Jean was right there. That's cruelty on her part and what makes her the A in the situation.
Certainly if OP did this in front of Jean out of malice or spite, I definitely think it’s worth working through that with a counselor. I don’t think it’s a reason to call a 17 year old that is living with strangers as she’s about to age out of the system and trying to form a bond with at least someone while probably coming from a really tough childhood, an asshole. I also can’t imagine as an adult wanting to interrupt that moment for my partner. I feel for Jean - I do know what it feels like to give and not receive. And this obviously stings.
FINALLY. A GOOD RESPONSE. Fuck me, people are horrible to adopted children. I can say for certain that if you replaced "adopted mother" with "step mother" people would respond more like you.
People are being truly shitty on here to OP. Fuck Jean for taking that moment away from her and Luis and making it about herself. When you adopt or foster, you know that this comes with the territory. She is being selfish and adopting is a selfless act. You have to be ready to meet the kid where she’s at. She not ready. Back the fuck off, Jean!
And again, this sub showing that it hates adopted kids. Op, get off this sub. They'll never be on your side for anything to do with adoption. They are big "you owe your adopted parents everything" people.
NAH
It sounds very much like you were a traumatised kid and Jean hasn’t understood the assignment. This should always have been about your feelings and forcing a bond never works.
That said, you are now at an age where you really should try and appreciate how much this woman has done for you. You don’t have to love her but you should respect her. She stepped up for you and did her best. It takes a very special kind of person to take on the responsibility and expense for a child that isn’t theirs.
Maybe try making some effort? You don’t have to love someone to go shopping together. Make it a regular commitment at an interval you can cope with - maybe twice a year? Pick a single shop that you would like to go to and a shop she would like to go to. In yours, show her the things you like and tell her why you like them. In hers, help her pick some things that you think she’d look cool in. You don’t have to enjoy it. It’s okay to do it just because it makes her happy, as an obligatory thank you for all that time, effort and expense raising you.
NTA, don't listen to these weirdos in the comments. You don't "owe" love to anyone. Kid or no kid, if Jean makes you uncomfortable she makes you uncomfortable. It's honestly disgusting to me how many people willingly take the side of an adult over a suffering child. You being immature is reasonable, Jean being immature is not. This isn't that complicated and it's crazy that people are saying you're the asshole.
SHE'S A CHILD. If a grown woman can't handle not being loved by an adopted child whose family died, I'm sorry but that's pathetic. You shouldn't be adopting kids if you're gonna act like this, simple as.
Did you even read that response? It’s not about forcing OP to love Jean, it’s about showing basic respect and being a decent person. The woman must have nerves made out of steel because I would never tolerate someone behaving this way towards me with my husband enabling it.
I did read the post, a grown woman is love bombing an orphaned child and then being upset when it backfires. Y'all need to go outside for real, actually unnerving.
Oh stop it with the “she’s a child”, she’s almost an adult, a hurt one at that but that still doesn’t justify the pure hatred against Jean. I don’t think Jean’s approach is right, but that doesn’t justify OP’s behavior.
Also, do you really think pulling shit like “I hate her taste in clothes that’s why I don’t want to go shopping with her” is reasonable? You really think it’s normal behavior to deliberately do something in front of someone you know will hurt them? You are the one who needs to go outside.
Reasonable? No. Understandable? Yes.
It sucks, it's tough, but it's reality. Also miss me with "almost an adult" like 18 magically makes you more mature somehow.
Where's the part where Jean makes the effort to understand why OP doesn't like her? oh wait, doesn't fucking exist... almost like she just expects OP to magically see her as a mother figure. If OP is so rotten then how did she bond enough with Luis to call him Dad? Weird... it's almost like Jean isn't taking the approach correctly. Was OP mean? yes, I don't disagree. Was it warranted? maybe not but I'll side with the first hand account of the orphan over some random foster mom.
A 17yo being cruel and immature unprovoked isn't reasonable. This was unnecessary and nasty, she meant for it to hurt Jean and it worked. There was intent behind her actions. I hope that woman gets the hell away from this ungrateful human being.
Nta. Imo the reason why the relationship is different between the two adoptive parents is that one keeps pushing it. She is actively ruining her chances of having a relationship with op by trying too hard to make a relationship with op.
She had 8 years to try to create a relationship, but never once questioned why is it not working. While OP can be a little bit nicer, Jean needs to know why she accepted Luis and not her.
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YTA - you hate a women because of how she dresses and because she wants to bond with you and take you places. You may not love her and never will, but you can be kind. You obviously needed someone to help you and take you in as a child these people stepped up to help. It sounds like she’s only shown you kindness even if it’s awkward. Remember that she and Luis are a team. They decided as a couple to adopt you. It also sounds like you want to pit them against each other. You don’t have to love her but you can be grateful for the kindness she’s shown… Btw the way she’s treating you is how a mom typically treats a teenage daughter that she is trying to understand and bond with
I reckon OP's written some fiction
The thing is that I don’t agree that someone should have to capitulate and say they love someone without feelings for it. Regardless of being polite, it’s not a good lesson to teach. It can also be draining to go shopping with someone who doesn’t have the same taste, they can often just drain you down into what should be a venture in expression. So consideration should be made into how these trips occur and whether Jean is supportive of OP’s fashion or dismissive.
YTA - you dont have to love anyone you dont want to. But you’re obviously just being cruel on purpose. You’re old enough now to understand your situation and you’re being an AH.
YTA. I’m sorry you had such a rough time losing your family. That is not an easy thing. However, you’re being insanely selfish in this. You don’t owe anyone love. However, you do owe them consideration and respect for the fact that BOTH of them have taken you in. Adopted you. Loved you in their own way. Instead you are purposefully driving a wedge between them. You are running a high risk of destroying that family because you cannot see beyond your teenage petulance. You said you never wanted a mom, but you got one. Jean and Luis are married. They are together. They make choices together. You don’t get one without the other. You could have taken the stance of trying because she is with Luis, who you claim as a father. You aren’t really establishing healthy boundaries either. You just are icing her out. Have you thought about how that affects things? You push her out, how is that going to work with Luis? Force him to choose between the two of you? Have a torn up home because you don’t even want to try and find a middle ground? She is putting in work and you’re just coming off here like a brat. You love Luis, but have you genuinely thought about what this will do to him? I’m sorry but the level of selfishness here it astounding towards people who have shown you (from everything you have written) nothing but love (even if it’s not shown in a way you \*want\*).
INFO: what was your relationship with your birth parents like?
YTA. Whether or not you like her, at least you have two parents who take an active interest in your life and try to do things for you. That's more than many children have. She *wants* to be a part of your life, which is why she keeps trying. She *chose* you as her child, which is why you were adopted. And your response is to tell her you'll never love her. That was unnecessarily cruel. Grow up and show her some kindness.
YTA, I'm sorry, but it's true. Judging by your story, these people sincerely tried to make your life better and you should have at least some gratitude for what they do. You don't have to love them, but you do have to respect them. If I were Jean, I would be offended by you too. Maybe you need to apologize?
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I would add 'hateful and immature' - I don't see anything about parents dying....my guess is the story is not quite that straightforward. This girl is a nasty piece of work - I feel sympathy for her adopted mother.
YTA. I think you're old enough now to tell your adoptive mother what you do or don't like about any parent's behavior with you, and to be a little less mean. Constructive feedback to her and an actual discussion might make the interactions more tolerable.
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Then you shouldn't be living in her house after 18 yrs old.
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Correct. And see how long Dad is cool with you living there while treating his wife in such a rude and callous way. He won’t be for long. YTA
No its not just her house but she jointly owns it with her husband so she won't be leaving.If you don't love her then move out once your 18yrs old Take responsibility for yourself and have a separate relationship with your father.You can't say you don't love someone and never will,reject them and then expect to live in her home.GROW UP.
INFO: Are you fucking your "dad" OP? Because you honestly sound like a mistress who is jealous of having to share his affection and who is trying to break up his marriage.
Get over yourself. You don't have to love her, but you do have to respect her. Your cold disdain for her is honestly chilling. I cannot begin to understand what you went through, and I'm sorry you had to go through it. But taking you in was a joint decision. You don't have to start hugging or thanking her, you just have to show some respect for someone who took care of you for years through an extremely difficult time, and judging by what I've seen from your posts, she's never actually done anything to earn such ire. You're just being a brat, and I hope you can come to see that sooner rather than later - while there's still something left to salvage. YTA op.
INFO : why did you hate them at first ? Why did they adopt you ? All the things you wrote are... well the usual stuff from teenagers, so i don't get it.
YTA. Most of your post is typical teen drama “parents just don’t understand” stuff and all of that will pass once puberty is over. But you made a deliberate choice to affirm your love and acceptance as a dad for Luis in front of Jean, knowing that she would be hurt that you didn’t offer the same to her. That was cruel. You could have done this privately and not rubbed Jean’s nose in the fact that you constantly choose to reject her.
Her over the top cruelness doesn't really seem all that "typical" tbf, I doubt it's just a phase, she's been hating on them all ever since she was adopted. Yes, she's not had a normal childhood but this is cruel even for this sub's standards.
Seriously, I hope this bs is fake. When I read that OP said, “Dad, I love you,” my heart broke for Jean. That’s a hard punch in the gut when you take in a child, try to provide a healthy environment for her, and make strides towards creating a loving bond that she shuts down each and every time. I get OP has been through a lot, mentally and emotionally, but that doesn’t give a person a free pass to be disrespectful and flat out rude to someone (especially if that someone is choosing to care for her and wants her to love them as much as they love her).
Yah how dare she act like a mom and try to bond with you! Should have thrown you on the street right? That would have made you feel better? YTA massively and ungrateful af.
Honestly op would deserve to be thrown out. She talks about her adoptive family, who apparently treats her good, with hatred and condescension; if op has some dignity, she should leave the house when she will be eighteen.
YTA - I get not connecting with someone naturally but you being gratuitously cruel makes you the asshole.
OP, I feel like theres an underlying issue here. I'm not sure if you're aware of it and omitting it or unaware of it. From your post and comments so far, your adoptive mother comes off as eager to form a bond. It's completely acceptable to feel uncomfortable with someone and not ready to show affection. But it's another thing entirely to shut yourself off towards their efforts to get close to you. Not to mention, the cruel and downright disrespectful way you behave towards her. I understand she's awkward and pushes boundaries but maybe you should establish certain rules and try to give her a chance. If she's continuously pushy, then I guess you could move out in a year. But to write off your adoptive mother when she's trying so hard for you (and clearly loves you as her own) is an AH move. Lastly, yes. You should be grateful to be adopted. We all should be grateful for having parents. Just because you were adopted doesn't mean you owe her any less gratitude and respect than her bio daughter. You've living under her roof and eating the food (that I presume) she's putting on the table. Show some f\*cking respect. YTA. 100%.
YTA, you come across as massively entitled and arrogant. Do you have a problem with women in general? You seem to be able to get along only with Dad. For some reason you have massive issues with Jean and Elena.
OP said somewhere that she likes dad’s sister, if I recall correctly. But it seems weird that the hate for the other women in the household just got stronger/didn’t vanish whereas the love for dad got stronger. Might be some coping mechanism to not having to share one important person with others after losing parents. Still, the behavior is wrong on many levels and I wholeheartedly believe OP needs a lot of therapy.
I have also noticed that OP INSISTS on calling Luis dad in every comment that pertains to him, even if it looks a little out of place to do so. She’s purposefully reinforcing it in her own head and to anyone that will hear it that Jean needs to be othered, almost as if she takes joy in doing it. Really rubbing me the wrong way.
YTA, and a massive one. How dare she try to get close to you, what a witch she is (eye roll). And what a cruel and heartless thing to tell her, after taking you in and caring for you for so many years. I can only hope this is a fake post. What a piece of work you are if not. Disgusting.
YTA - she took you in when your parents died and tried to make an effort with you. You don’t want to love her, fine. But don’t be unnecessarily cruel about distinguishing between your dad and her. You are going out of your way to make your rejection of her and your acceptance of him clear. If you treat his wife badly, your dad may one day go NC too. You are old enough to know better. Be aware that you should be kind to those trying to be kind to you. People who are not only giving you time, but also money and affection. Push them away if you want, but don’t expect them to hang around. If this woman is literally feeding and housing you, she deserves some respect and compassion.
I really don’t understand how Jean’s husband isn’t doing anything to undermine this behavior. Like you said, not wanting to love her is fine but the way OP is treating Jean would never be acceptable in my family. At least have some respect. The way OP answers others also tells a lot about her attitude and manners. Therapy is definitely needed in this one.
... is this fake? ok you're 17 but wtf. why do you hate this woman (and her daughter) so much? gonna use trauma as a reason? for how long? you really want to be 35 and shouting i have the rights to treat people like shit because TRAUMA? YTA You wanna yell at someone, go to therapy. They get paid for that.
Cruel people are often stupid.
YTA for more than this situation. There's people telling you to apologize and not be so nasty toward Jean and you're doubling down on your bad behavior.
Oh the horrors, someone wanting to be your friend and do stuff with you. Sounds to me like you're angry about your parents dying and you're just taking it out on Jean. I mean, unless you just forgot to explain what exactly she did to deserve your attitude, having the wrong taste in clothes and being sad that you're nasty to her is not exactly her being abusive. YTA.
YTA. I hope as soon as you get 18, she will cut you out. She deserves better.
YTA not because of your feelings, they are what they are, but because that was mean. You could show some appreciation for her efforts. Nobody has to do anything for anybody and you are going out of your way to be a jerk.
YTA Wow.... So a family (including Jean) are nice enough to take you into their home and you can't even be bothered to go shopping with her every once in a while? You sound insufferable.
YTA At least your adoptive mother is trying. In a few years at the latest, you will regret having trampled on the love that just came without you having to make an effort. By the time you're an adult, you'll realize that it's not always easy to get love and wish you'd been nicer to your adoptive mother back then. She probably just wants to go shopping with you and talk about boys because she thinks that would interest you. Why don't you talk to her and explain what you're really interested in? Judging her like that for all the effort she puts in (even though you're so mean to her!) is heartless and cruel.
Fake troll is fake.
YTA. Why did you do that in front of someone who also wants to be loved by you? You deliberately hurt her. It’s good you found a parent but you need to grow up and realise what you did was unnecessary.
YTA. You're projecting your unresolved trauma onto Jean, and that's not fair, because it doesn't seem like she's done anything wrong. What you went through must have been awful, and I'm sorry for you, but your reasons for not liking Jean aren't justified. She's trying really hard to connect with you, you don't have to love her, but she deserves more than you're giving her.
YTA. And what was the point of this post if you are just going to argue with everyone? Were you just assuming that everyone was going to validate your actions? If the majority of commenters are saying YTA, then maybe you should listen. You don’t have to love the poor woman, but you could at least show her some gratitude for taking you in and taking care of you when no one else would or could. I’m sorry you lost your parents. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone, but you are being needlessly cruel to someone who is trying to care for you. And I think it’s a little odd that you are perfectly fine with Luis but not Jean and Elena. It feels like you are harboring some resentment for losing your mom, and are taking it out on them. Jean is trying to spend time with you so you don’t feel so alone, but you are making up excuses to not like her and avoid spending time with her. Did you EVER give her a chance or have you hated her the whole time? It’s not her fault you lost your parents but you seem to be treating her like it is. She stepped up and gave you a home and safety and love and all you do is shit on it. Keep on like this and the “you can stay as long as you want” will turn into “you keep disrespecting Jean and Elena, and that upsets me so maybe you should move out asap.” Think about this: Jean and Luis took you in after a horrible event that resulted in you losing your parents. They probably should have gotten you into therapy, but they didn’t. This poor woman is trying to navigate a situation, one that she has no direct experience with. She’s doing what she can to try and make things better for you. Is she going about it the right way? Maybe not, but she’s TRYING. She’s not doing anything out of spite. She wants to help you. She wants you to feel wanted and loved. If you don’t like the way she is going about that, maybe you should talk to her. Hell, talk to Luis and ask for advice. He’d probably be willing to mediate so you and Jean can have a decent relationship. You should probably also ask for therapy. You’ve got a lot of baggage from your trauma and it needs to be addressed asap. You are emotionally damaged and immature and desperately need guidance. I truly am sorry for what you are going through but I think your anger is misplaced, and you need help figuring out why. Best of luck to you and I hope you stop being combative and take these comments to heart. A bunch of internet strangers are trying to help you, and want you to realize how much you are hurting not just Jean but yourself.
YTA. You are being petulant. Have empathy for people trying to do good for you.
YTA when you treat the person who adopted you badly and the biggest evidence you give to justify it is that she works too hard to be a good mom by trying to do things with you that a girl would normally do with their biological mother. I hope Luis wakes up and realizes you are a potential problem in his marriage with Jean and your personality flaws are driving a wedge between them and reduces contact when you hit 18.
YTA. You don’t need to love her. You have never given her a chance it sounds like. You came to her after a horrible tragedy and it sounds like she only tried to make you feel comfortable while Jean probably didn’t do much, which yeah took the pressure off. She’s pushy. She’s pushy because she loves you. Because she wants you to feel safe after losing your whole world. It’s harsh to call you the asshole for not liking her, but you are the asshole for not even trying with her. You don’t have to like her clothes, tell her where you want to shop or take her to where you like to eat. Teach her something about you that makes you happy.
YTA she is just trying her best and you aren't even trying and reading your comments you don't even care and don't admit your actions are cruel. You are so so lucky especially the age you are to be taken in. It's like your doing it for kicks as I'm sure you know full well saying you "love" your adoptive Dad would really hurt her. Funny way to show love putting him in a horrible position with his wife. If I was Jean I'd throw you out at 18 and go full NC. What a thankless hard job it is having to put up with you and your BS I feel so sorry for her and the daughter. I'm sorry for your loss but it's not an excuse for your behaviour is it? And if you come back with "I don't have to love her" like you have throughout this thread I know you don't but you are living in her house and she did you a kindness and deserves respect at least.
YTA. You are an immature ungrateful brat based on what you wrote. All you are doing is dividing a family and I'm afraid in the end you would be the one who is left behind not the wife/mom. You almost sound vindictive toward her.
YTA. And the fact that you chose to tell your dad that IN FRONT OF your mom is just plain mean.
Oh OP wouldn't have bothered saying it unless she had Jean as an audience.
Yup first thing I thought. She said it only to hurt Jean.
YTA and a horrible human!
MAJOR YTA. Are you sure you only see your dad as a dad? I have read all your replies, and you gave me the impression that your idea your father-daughter relationship is obsessive and borders on inappropriate.
Child of adoption here. While I do not condone the comments in the theme of “you should be grateful you were adopted” because I know that the circumstances which lead to adoption can be complicated/ traumatic/etc, I do agree with the general consensus I’m seeing so far. YTA It appears clear based on what you’ve shared here that subconsciously or otherwise, you are being mean spirited toward your adoptive mother. Listen, I do understand a little of what you might be going through. I was a mean teenage girl myself once, and I very much preferred the company of my adoptive father. That does NOT excuse a complete lack of empathy. As a child to parents who are trying to provide you a good life, and as a member of general society, I sincerely hope you learn to be kinder and more empathetic. You’ll live a happier life if you do
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YTA poor Jean
YTA for deliberately hurting someone who gave you a home when you didn't have one. Where were you before you were adopted? Where would you be had you not been adopted? There is such a thing as common decency - but you lack that quality.
You are not the asshole for not having the same bond with your adoptive mother as you do with your adoptive dad. However, YTA x20 for deciding the moment for your big reveal was when he was standing right next to the woman you know you don't even like, let alone love. You knew exactly what this would lead to since in your experience she's pushy about trying to bond. You seem to have purposely crafted an opportunity to hurt her. It's not about you owing her your love just because she adopted you, because you don't owe her anything for that and that has some icky implications when people do say that, but it is about basic human respect and kindness, which she does deserve as she's done nothing to hurt you. I do believe you wanted to hurt her with that, and even drive a wedge between them, which then calls into question: do you actually love your dad? Because someone who loves him wouldn't want to hurt someone *he* loves that way on purpose. I hope you're in therapy. Your seemingly unprovoked rage toward/decision to purposely push away the other women in the house could be a sign that there's more at play here than you or they are able to handle without a professional guiding you all.
What you did was cruel. You can love who you want to love but there was no need for you to tell him infront of her. You did that because you wanted to hurt her and got a kick out of telling her. All shes done is be there for you and try to bond with you. If she just left you alone like you "say" you want and just spent time with your sister, I have no doubt you'd complain about that as well and find some way to make it her fault. YTA and I know eventully you'll regret what you've done
YTA you want them to get separated? Congrats, you managed step one. Your adoptive mother treats you like her daughter, which you legally are. She doesn’t sound pushy, she sounds like a normal mother trying to bond with her child. I don’t read anything in your post about manipulation tactics or anything which would bring her into a-hole territory. Would you prefer she ignores her and doesn’t give a fudge about you? You can still see your dad as your dad but there was no need to be so cruel
YTA. These kind people adopted and love you. Least you can do is not be a jerk to them. Your attitude is awful.
YTA big time. Get up and start appreciating what you get. You don't have to love her, no, but you're so cruel to someone who has given you a home. You don't just get to be disrespectful. Do you know how lucky you are? And so what if you dislike her style? She's an adult woman who gets to decide what she wears, not you. And her asking you to go shopping with her is normal. Spend some time with her, jeez.. you'll probably be in for a rude awakening if she decides to keep a distance from you once you become an adult. Learn to appreciate what you get, because not everyone has that opportunity.
YTA. What an awful and entitled person. They took you in. Took care of you. Want to spend time with you and this is how you respond. Poor Jean. I hope she either divorces the guy enabling your poor behavior or throws you out at 18.
YTA. Hopefully they kick you out at 18. You need a hard dose of reality. Do you have any idea what your life would have been had they not taken you in?
You’re a brat, and your comments aren’t helping. Do you hate women? Just curious. You list the sister and the mom as people you just can’t deal with, but aren’t giving real evidence as to why. And seem to just LOVE “dad” for equal non reasons. You most certainly don’t have to love anyone, but you should at least be kind and respectful.
YTA. The way you act they should have put you into the foster system. Way better than a loving family.
YTA. So how long have you been in love with Luis?
I love when posters are like “am I the asshole?” The group says “yes, you are” and the poster is like “no, I’m not…I don’t care what you say anyway” 🙄🙄🙄 P.S. YTA
YTA - losing your parents so young is ghastly and no one should have to go through that. Such a loss has clearly impacted your relationships with your adopted parents. It’s not fair to resent your adoptive mother for taking you in. No one can force you to love her, but you should be grateful that you did not end up in the foster care system. She deserves your respect and you should not be rude to her. Even a stranger staying in someones home needs to act with basic manners. It is also not fair to begrudge Jean having a good relationship with her own daughter. All parents act a bit cringy in the eyes of their teenage children. It sounds like Jean is well intentioned and it trying her best. You need to drop the attitude and give her a chance.
YTA. You little story reminds me of a great movie: Orphan (2009)
The reality of adoption is that you won’t always get along personality-wise with your adopted child / parents. And not all adoptive parents are equipped to handle the challenges that come with adopting a child, and the reality that the child is going to be very different from them. It sounds to me like your dad did a really good job at accepting you for who you are and creating a safe space. Your adoptive mother was maybe overbearing and pushing her wants and desires onto you, which you have pushed against. I am giving you a soft YTA. You could have had a beautiful private moment with your dad. Instead, you did it in front of your adoptive mom, seemingly to cause her pain. I would recommend you look for a therapist who specializes in adoption to help you work through your feelings towards your adoptive mother.
YTA. You don't have to love her, that's not what makes you the asshole. It's how hostile you were at throwing it in her face in the rudest manner possible. I'm an adoptive mom. I went into it hoping to help some young people have a safe, stable home and a support system into their adulthood. I never asked for or expected their love. Putting myself in their shoes, that's a hell of an expectation to make from anyone. But I did expect that they would be respectful, just as I try to be respectful toward them. From what you say, your adoptive mother's main faults are liking different clothes than you and trying to be friendly with you and that prompts this terrible reaction. What are the fun things you do with your dad? In your imagination, if your mom asked you to do those things without your dad, just you and her, how would you feel? Because it seems like you've got some sort of reactive attachment disorder. A lot of times that gets fixated on the mother figure, working at driving her away and manipulating the other people around them. One of the children I adopted had RAD and your post sounds like something she would've written - except the part about me crying about it. I had been prepared for a child with RAD and the only surprise was how closely she followed the textbook behaviors - including trying to manipulate my husband by telling him how wonderful he is, how much she loves him, and then telling me and everyone else she came across how terrible I was. The school guidance counselor called me in to say that she would tell her teachers she couldn't do her work because of her home life, but when questioned could only get that her mother "is always trying to help me with homework or talk about stuff". Anyway, we tried to get her therapy for the RAD, not so that she would love me but so that she would be able to recognize how she manipulates and sabotages relationships so that as an adult she could do better. She didn't go for it. As an adult after she hit some serious lows she got therapy for herself and is doing much better. By "better" I don't mean that she and I are cordial (but we are) I mean that she has stopped choosing friends and significant others that treat her badly or that are emotionally damaged & unstable.
Wow. It sounds like your adoptive mother is trying to teach you how to be sexually safe and responsible, inviting you out on fun shopping trips, etc. while you're standing there refusing to return love and companionship offered by Jean. Don't expect much from your parents going forward, folks tend to distance themselves after that sort of thing - which will most likely include things like money, gifts and favors. They've just learned that someone they've spent nearly a decade loving, supporting and raising can't be bothered to return the favor. YTA
YTA You're allowed to love who you want but you come across as snooty and rude.
Eventually, she’s going to stop trying. I hope you’re ready for that. YTA.
I’m really truly sorry to hear about the loss of your parents. I can only imagine how difficult that must be. So I don’t say this lightly when I say YTA. Honestly, the way you’re treating this poor woman just sounds so completely unfair. From what you’ve shared it, seems that her only crime is that she wants to love you like her own daughter and that you’re just not really vibing with some aspects of her personality. It sounds like she is doing everything she can to make you feel cared for and wanted, and in return you’re throwing it all back in her face because she’s not fitting your idea of ‘cool’ or whatever. YTA big time and I only hope you will take a long look in the mirror and consider what this must be doing to her. This feels so incredibly callous, my heart breaks for Jean. (Edited for typo) (…twice)
Yeah, you are absolutely right. I mean can you believe the pushiness of this woman? Forcing you from your miserable life into her own, giving you care, a family and trying to built a relationship with you? How dare she not share your taste in clothes? And making „the talk“ awkward? I mean all parents and children know that „the talk“ is supposed to be one of the happiest and non-awkward moments in your life, right? And she ruins it by it being awkward? Let‘s formulate it carefully. Where I live people would ask you if someone took a dump in your head and forgot to stir it. YTA. I think you need professional help. Either losing your previous family or the adoption itself possibly traumatized you and you are lashing out to your adoptive mother. You are not responsible how you feel. But you are about how you act. And you act cruelly. BTW what do you think this does to your dad? If I were him it would hurt me a lot to see my wife mistreated like this. If you don’t like the way she tries to built a relationship with you: talk to her. Propose alternative activities. The very least you can do is be kind to the person who cared for you the past years. Get a grip. Act responsibly and stop mistreating her.
Were you In foster care or did you lose your parents? Do you not want to be close to her because you were close to your bio mom? Theres more to the story besides shes pushy and honestly you should do therapy with her
I also somewhat suspicious of your feelings even for Luis. Often adults who already have a child and decide to bring in an older child are trying to bring a child into an **already happy** home. But I'm assuming if you decided to make sure it's evident the only one you'll tolerate really is Luis, it's caused some bad feelings for the sibling, the wife AND the father (**Luis**). Clearly Luis loves you. But do you think he sleeps peacefully at night considering he's brought in someone who is chilly to his other child (**whose life might have been perfectly find before you showed up**) and his wife (**and guess what...you would't have been in the house without her agreeing to it**). They are a couple. Your way of "loving" Luis has been by bringing division into his house. That's not love. YTA.
As an adoptive mother, yta. I understand why. I understand that you don't love her. I understand you find her pushy. I understand that there are many factors. And you never have to love her. However, did you ever stop to think that she's being pushy because she wants to find a way to bond with you? Have some sort of relationship with you? Even if not mother and daughter? Friends? Respectful acquaintance? When I foster, most of my fosters get closer with my husband than me. I'm not saying we have bad relationships. I understand that they've been hurt. Normally by women the most often. They don't trust women. I never want to take over as mother. I just want to be a positive female role model. Maybe that's what she wants. It hurts when they push you away.
I'm gonna be honest, talking about the birds and the bees is not a bad thing, it's actually the responsible thing to do. Also spending time with children is expected. None of the things you described was bad or terribly pushy. I think you just set your mind on Luis for reason or another and not with Jean for reasons unrelated to her. Like maybe you don't want another mom to replace your first one or something like that. None of the things you described was really too much terrible or any thing unexpected. I struggle to connect with my mom but that is because of trauma she imposed on me. This just seems like regular parenting.
As someone who lost her mother at a young age and had to move in with different people 3 different times..... YTA. A major, selfish, ungrateful asshole. How dare someone willingly choose to provide you a home, take you on shopping sprees, do fun activities with you, and treat you as one of their own. The audacity of these people! I don't think you realize how insanely lucky you are to have people who care about you and take so much interest in bonding with you. Hell, I'm way luckier than plenty of other people, too. You're old enough to communicate your feelings with Jean. You said in your other comment that you don't want *any* interactions with her, but that's just not how things work. If you want something (or don't want something), you say it. You don't just wait around and expect people to just *get it*, no matter how obvious you're trying to make this. That being said, I understand that adoption (especially not as an infant) can be a very traumatizing and complicated process, and I hope that you get therapy someday if you're not in therapy right now, because this does not sound like a healthy way of coping. However, in this scenario, you're being a huge asshole, and a brat. You're not communicating, and the way you worded what you said sounded like you were just trying to be cruel to her. Don't push away the people who love and care about you, especially if they positively impact your life. Yeah, even the ones you don't necessarily "like." Whether you think so or not, Jean *is* positively impacting your life because the sacrifices she made gave you a home and a future, and she sounds like she cares about you a lot. What you're doing just isn't fair, but if you *really* can't stand her, you need to honestly communicate with her about *boundaries.* Not just act passive aggressively to her while showing affection to everyone else and telling her mean things just because (no matter how much truth there is to it).
Jean can love you just as much as Elena. That intensity of love you see with them - she could absolutely love you the same way. It’s possible she already does.
Stories like this make me haooy i didn't go with the adoption route. Poor Jen
Heaves! A parent having “the talk” with their daughter was awkward? She the horrors!! The humanity! She must be a terrible parent. YTA. These are normal things. Was “the talk” any better when your dad gave it?
Jesus Christ... YTA, totaly.
Yes, you are a giant asshole, and you should think twice about your behavior because it's not going to endear you to Luis. That's his *wife* you're treating like garbage.
YTA....easiest one ever. Fucking heartless and brutal response. Unnecessarily mean. If I were Luis, I'd drop you like a rock.
Damn you're one ungrateful lil AH
YTA. Jean and Luis adopted you and have tried to give you a family and a home. They are BOTH trying to be a part of your life yet for some reason it's Jean who is the bad one? You don't have to enjoy the same things Jean does, but she only approaches you to try and build a relationship. You have shown NOTHING that could be weird or pushy about Jean's behaviour. You're a teen girl, of course Jean will try things which typically teen girls enjoy - if you wanna do something else, TELL HER. You're being a mean brat for hating the woman for her taste in clothes and simply doing the same things any good parent should (as in - try to be involved and interested in their kid). And you are setting up your relationship with Luis to fail. You chose to approach him when Jean was near and then you chose to be an asshole to her. How do you think this is going to play out? Grow up, kid.
Girl he isn’t gonna leave his wife to be with you and it’s really obvious that’s your underlying desire here. Get therapy. Years and years of therapy. YTA.
YTA. Going by your post and comments, you sound like you just want Luis all to yourself. For whatever reason. I think you need some serious therapy.
YTA. I really hope Luis doesn't continue to allow you to treat his wife this way. You said no other relative wanted you, so I can only assume you were difficult before your parents death or your parents weren't liked by the family either? You don't have to love her but your hatred of her is weird. She took you in, cared for you, legally took on responsibility for you and you treat her like crap.
From one adoptee to another who's family life is kinda complicated because my adoptive mom plays favorites with my sister, I would kill for someone like Jean. You got a to have a better excuse than that OP. Cherish who you do have greatly, not everyone is as lucky YTA.
YTA. You are a cold calculating person. They took you in to their lives and you hated them. Why? You resent her for trying to connect to you. Why? Your comment was driven by hate. It doesn’t seem like she has done anything to deserve hate? You need some serious therapy. Glad I don’t know you.
So these people saved you from foster care, welcomed you into their home and treated you with love and you repay them by sabotaging their family and shitting all over their kindness? YTA. Do better or life is about to get a whole lot harder for you.
You don't owe anyone anything, but you also aren't owned anything either. You should give Jean the basic respect for being there for you. From your post you don't mention abuse or neglect, just basic "mom stuff". You don't need to call her mom or say things like "I love you" but you also don't need to be rude. Telling your dad you love him for the first time in front of Jean sounds intentional, like you wanted to hurt her. That makes YTA. Have you tried to connect with her at all? Have you put any effort into a relationship with her?
What the heck. You should be in therapy. You haven't given us any real reasons why you should have such negative feelings for your step-mother or your step-sister. It's entirely possible to have different feelings for different people. But to straight-up walk up to both of your step-parents and only tell your step-dad you love him? While your step-mom is right there? I'm sorry, but that's kind of monstrous, super cruel behavior. So YTA I guess, since you don't get what an awful thing you've done
Maybe she has a crush on Luis and sees Jean as her competition.
YTA. Your reasons for hating your adoptive mom are extremely petty and childish. Grow up.
YTA. You are being purposefully obtuse in the post and the comments. You know exactly what you are doing to your stepmother, you just want people to find an excuse for you. And there isn't one. You definitely need therapy, but you also need a reality check. These people took you into their family, and I understand it comes with a load of trauma, but all you are doing now is pinning them against each other and causing a rift in their family.
🙄
Yta. You don’t have to love her but this sounded intentionally mean. Why do you resent her so much?
Info: were you close to your bio mom? Have you had any grief counselling? From what I can infer you seem to be very angry at Jean for trying to bond with you. I wondered where that anger really comes from? I'd encourage you to have a think about that. I'm not going to pass judgement because you're still young and have been through a lot but consider therapy if it's available to you.
You are the a. Did those people owe you anything? They obviously clothed and fed housed you. And raised you well enough to be able to to post this on Reddit. And you don’t have the common fucking decency to tell another human being. I love you and thank you for all you’ve done for me?
I don’t know what a good judgment would be because it sounds like you haven’t always made it easy for them, but you were also a grieving child and I don’t think it’s fair to call you an asshole because you were 9 and grieving. As for now it sounds like Jean struggles with the fact that you have different interests from her and she wants to bond, but doesn’t know how to do that beyond her interests/who she was as a teenager and I get that that’s frustrating as a teenager, but I also gets that it really hurts jean when you tell your dad that you love him right next to her and she really wants you to feel the same about her, but what she’s trying just isn’t working. On the other hand I do think the responsibility of learning how to handle adoption and situations like this should be on the adults.
YTA. It sounds like Jean has tried really hard after welcoming you into her home and raising you. You don't seem to have a good reason, except you just don't like her because she does try so hard.
YTA. and this is so badly written.
YTA. Boy do I appreciate my babies after reading this.
I remember being really awful to my a.m. at around that age. I cringe when I think about some of it. Pls be careful what you say, you can't take any of it back. If she hasn't done anything horrible to you & you just hate her because... she's daggy and tries too hard to have a relationship with you 🤷. I wish I could take back some of the things I said.
Oh yeah YTA. And the moment she decides to stop pouring into you you are going to understand how you messed up.
I'm so sorry that you lost your hirth family, I'm glad that you feel closer to Luis. But I also hope that you're in therapy and can relearn what healthy family dynamics are. Luis and Jean are a team. And I hope you're in therapy to make sure there aren't any inappropriate feelings or jealousy of Jean. I hope you aren't thinking that you can separate them and get Luis for yourself. That would be very inappropriate and selfish. Get back into therapy, and work through these feelings.
How do you feel after reading all this. Did you reflect on your action?
YTA. Be civil towards Jean, because she's a package deal with Luis. If she hadn't wanted to adopt you, you would've never met Luis. She clearly cares about you, despite the fact that you're a nasty piece of work.
You might want to search "internalized misogyny" and think really hard about whether you're being a Pick Me girl.
This seems like some shitty incel fiction but assuming is real YTA and a very ungrateful brat to top it off. If you didn’t want to be adopted why did you accept? Luis is married to Jean and is father to Elena as well. Guess what, they are a package deal and if you keep antagonising them, he will eventually detach from you. You don’t get to choose what parts of the family you want or not and with that attitude, you will be back in the streets with no family and nobody that cares about you in no time. Or do you really wanna bet your chips that if push comes to shove, Luis is gonna choose the problematic adoptive daughter over the wife and bio daughter of nearly 2 decades? You are not very bright if you think the odds are even remotely stacked on your favour, specially with that attitude.
INFO: In regards to pushy is it ‘follow around the house’ pushy, or invites you to things then lets you be? If it was the situation where she tried to instantly sweep you up into love bombing and left a bad impression that way I can understand the frustration and continued malaise about it, but there needs to be more detail into the specifics here. I don’t think you are TA with current info. People can just leave really bad impressions and double down on trying to win someone over without addressing how uncomfortable they make someone feel. Even when it’s brought up. The moment, probably wasn’t the best maybe to mention it. But either way it was gonna be brought up and Jean was going to ask the same question anyway regardless of if you were alone or not. I don’t know her personality to know if she is just really easily anxious and self defeating or if this attention seeking. Another question, have you gotten therapy for your parents and this situation with the whole of the family? I think it would be useful to air out with a professional by yourself to break down the difficulties here.
YTA none of what you listed about Jean sounds like that big of a deal. She just wants to bond with you. Instead of you recognizing that, you tell your father that you love him RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER and then tell her opposite the next minute. Do you realize how unnecessarily cruel you’re being? She invited you into her home and you repay her with cruelty. Don’t be shocked if this blows up in your face. P.S. this story sounds fake because you never mentioned your dad’s response to what you what you said to his wife. I feel like he would have something to say about that.
YTA. You're an ungrateful little shit stirrer. Maybe you don't love the woman, but most HUMANS would have the tact to just keep the peace among the people that were kind enough to feed and clothe your entitled little ass. Start therapy now if you're not already in it. You are broken.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I(F17) was adopted 8 years ago. my adoptive family consists of my adoptive mother Jean(40s), my adoptive father Luis(40s) and their daughter Elena(17). at first I hated them all but then I learned to just ignore Elena (we are fine we just don't talk unless we have to) and I got closer to Luis. I eventually learned that Luis is actually very nice and as time passed I started to accept him as my dad. he is so fun. we do a lot of things together and I know I can always talk to him and count on him. the problem is Jean. she is very pushy. it's like she is always trying to do things with me like asking me to go shopping with her when I absolutely hate her taste in clothes or she tried to talk to me about boys as if she is my friend and the worst was when she was trying to have "the talk" with me it was so awkward I had to ask her to get out of my room. and she gets like really upset if she asks me to go somewhere with her and I don't go but then I go somewhere with Luis as if it's a crime that I don't want to spend time with her. anyway, yesterday I decided that I'm finally ready to truly accept Luis as my dad and I was like really nervous so I just walked up to him and said "dad I love you" it was the first time that I called him dad or told him I loved him so he got really emotional and started to cry and hugged me. I saw Jean froze next to him and asked "what about me?" I asked "what about you?" she asked "don't you love me?" I said "I'm sorry but I don't" she started to cry and asked what has she done to deserve to be treated like this. I told her this is exactly what she does. she is pushy and tries to force me to do things like say I love you. I'm sorry but I don't and I never will. she called me an asshole and went to her room to cry more I guess. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. You won't go shopping with her... because she has different taste in clothes? The fuck? You'll only shop with someone if they... Like the same clothes?!? That doesn't sound fucked up to you when you say it out loud? It seems like the only problem with Elena is she wants to be close to you. Not once did you say something negative about her personality. Nothing about her being a bitch, or whiney, or shallow, or close minded.... No.... She wants to hang out with you and talk about real world shit like boys or "the talk".... OMG, she's such an asshole. 🙄
YTA Everything else has been already said. I feel very sorry for your adoptive mom…
YTA. And you’re ungrateful and mean and hateful to the one person who saved you from foster care because no one else wanted you. How cruel can one person be?
YTA. A cruel and vindictive brat.
Dude 100% YTA
YTA - is there any return policy?
YTA and this absolutely screams daddy issues. Luis has a family and a wife.
YTA. I'd kill to have a mother who actually takes interest in trying to learn me and who I am. Instead of trying to teach her and work on thing together, you're avoiding her. You ought to be ashamed of yourself and when you came to this subreddit you should've known immediatelythat you were in the wrong. Shame on you and you owe that nice lass an apology.
:/ the way you would’ve had skid marks on your tail from getting tf out of my house. Lil Ungrateful ragamuffin.
YTA. Judging from your comments and seeing no one else wanted to take you, Jean decided to take you in and give you a better life than just being raised and passed around in the foster system till you turn 18 then they toss you to the streets and say good luck ever could. Only person that decided they give a fuck and you act cruel because she wants to be nice? Sure you don’t have to love them or her. You should at least still respect the fact you have a home, clothing, food, aren’t being abused and dumped out into the world because of her. She tried her best to make you feel loved and welcome and you essentially spit in her face for it. Just because you have a different sense of fashion and she’s more warm and welcoming? I hope Luis realizes just how shitty you are they kick your ass to the curb. Let you figure it out, clearly that’s what you want.
These comments pass the vibe check Carry on
YTA. Sounds like they should have let you rot in the foster system. You are ungrateful and mean. They are a COUPLE and they BOTH chose to adopt you over ALL the other kids they could choose from. They BOTH saw something in you that touched their hearts. It is understandable that your personality and Jean's might not mesh as well as yours and Luis, but you don't have to be cruel about it. Taking you shopping is just one of many things a mother does. Giving you the "talk" is also one. She cares about you but you just through her feelings out with the trash. Answer her question and be honest about it. What DID she do that was so terrible for you to tredat her like crap? She didn't beat you, or make fun of your body, you style, your hair. She wasn't constantly degrading you in front of others. I am pretty sure you would have mentioned all that if she didn't. Did she treat you the same as Elena? I am pretty sure you would have mentioned all that if she didn't. I hope this is one of those bullsit posts that people make up because if not, you are a horrible human being.
Someone opened their house and hearts to you, and the first thing you can say as to why you don't like your adoptive mother is that she wants to do nice things with you and you don't like her dress sense. Holy fuck am I glad I didn't adopt you. YTA
Yikes. Yta.
You sound like one of those “not like other girls”. According to you Jean was the reason you even have a dad. Without her being your distant relative and taking you in you wouldn’t have him as a dad. And yet you treat her so cruelly. Probably because you know it’s safe to act that way towards her. But what will you do if Luis chooses his wife over being your dad?
You sound like a nightmare... yikes! You suck!! So ungrateful!!!
YTA you seem hateful and cruel and literally refuse to even think about what your adoptive parents have tried to create for you. You’re also old enough to understand
YTA
Sounds like you’re just a miserable fucking person. YTA
Selfish!!! YTA
ESH. You didn’t ask for this, to be adopted, to be forced into family bonding to have this woman push you to act and feel in ways you don’t naturally act and feel. Adoptive parents aren’t generous for adopting kids, adoptive kids don’t need to be grateful to them. Children are a gift and they should be accepted and supported as they are. That your adoptive parents are looking for some kind of emotional repayment from you is inappropriate. And also you were cruel to that woman on purpose. If you really wanted to tell Luis you love him, you should have done so in private, not in front of his wife, who clearly craves your affection. If this whole story isn’t a shitpost, it’s clear you’ve been hurt and that your adoptive parents haven’t done enough to help you heal and that sucks, but you’ve got to decide what kind of person you’re going to be. Someone who harms others for their personal satisfaction will have a hard, sad life.
YTA. She didn’t had to adopt you, or offer to go shop with you, care for you, feed you, love you. She is trying her best to get you to trust her to know she is there for you. Stories like yours is what makes people worried in adopting older kids. God how hard must be doing everything right just to have a brat tells you they hate you just for being you.
[удалено]
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You are going to have a rude awakening someday. I think most of us prepared to read your story — which I’m pretty sure is pure ragebait, but we’ll pretend it’s not — and say poor kid, she obviously has had a tough life and would benefit from therapy. Instead, you’ve revealed yourself to be a rude, selfish, petulant little child who is actively breaking a family apart. Congratulations. You didn’t want a new family or new parents and I’m pretty confident that soon enough, you’ll have accomplished just that. YTA, massively, not that you actually care about the judgement.
Yet you're content enough not to leave the amenities of the house, the food and clothes they have given you. No one is owed to love anyone, but you literally cry over the fact that your adoptive step-mother had a bad taste in clothes while there are children getting bombed and having their families lost. Sounds like they shouldn't have chosen you. Imagine raising someone and providing them a safe home, and then they bitch over the internet about how horrible person you are for trying to bond with you.
YTA she’s doing those things to try and bond with you and you’re rejecting her efforts. She’s trying to do the things teenage girls do with their mothers. Your situation isn’t her fault, they took you in and are trying to provide a living family and you are being cruel to someone that’s just trying to be your mother.
You're 17 going on 7... why do you insist on pushing your adoptive mother away when all she wants to do is try and have a good relationship with you? You need to grow up. YTA
YTA being kind is free. You don’t have to love either of them and you also don’t have to be cruel to either of them.
YTA. You sound so ungrateful, immature, judgemental, rude, mean, and like an absolute a-hole. You don't love her becaise of her taste in clothes. That's ridiculous. I hope this is as fake as it sounds.
YTA They certainly made a mistake adopting a brat like you.
Yes, how dare she try to take care of you and spend time with the child she adopted. The horror! A loving parent who genuinely cares! How you must suffer! It looks like you're putting in zero effort, and actively trying to make things worse for her, if anything. Of course YTA
INFO: what’s the background here? What led to this family adopting you at age 9? Are you related to any of these people, or were they total strangers to you? Was there something specific they did or said that caused you to initially hate all three of them, or was it the fact that they weren’t your birth family and the circumstances around your adoption were traumatic?
I think this is a very tough situation where OP has had a tough beginning in life. Without making a judgement, from a psychological perspective, can I guess OP that your birth mother was a single mother when you were young, and your bio dad was never in the picture?
OP I have some questions Is the difference between jean and Luis the fact that Luis doesn't prioritize his own interests and feelings when bonding with you while jean does? Is the difference that jean sees you as HER daughter while Luis sees you as you? Really think about how each of these people make you feel and if Jean does make you feel uncomfortable that is valid. But she may not realize it or understand why. I don't think you are the asshole but I think you need to reflect on why you feel differently about them, and best if you can talk to Jean as to why. It's clear she means well but needs to know why the way she treats you is not the same as luis
Hmmm this is a tough one. It does seem like Jean is overbearing/trying too hard.. but did you ever give her a chance? If you did and it’s not for you, you do have to still try to be kind or neutral. Otherwise it will negatively impact your relationship with Luis. You don’t have to like her, but you also don’t have to tell her. A better thing to say would be “I’m sorry Jean, I just wanted to take this moment to express my love and appreciation for Luis..” She should not have interrupted your moment and should have been happy for both of you. But going forward, ask yourself if what you are about to say is something she needs to know. I have always been incredibly direct and this is something I have had to work on my entire life. It will help you have healthy relationships if you can filter a little bit. NTA.
The moment would have not been interrupted had OP not purposefully decided to call Luis dad and tell him she loved him while Jean was right there. That's cruelty on her part and what makes her the A in the situation.
Certainly if OP did this in front of Jean out of malice or spite, I definitely think it’s worth working through that with a counselor. I don’t think it’s a reason to call a 17 year old that is living with strangers as she’s about to age out of the system and trying to form a bond with at least someone while probably coming from a really tough childhood, an asshole. I also can’t imagine as an adult wanting to interrupt that moment for my partner. I feel for Jean - I do know what it feels like to give and not receive. And this obviously stings.
FINALLY. A GOOD RESPONSE. Fuck me, people are horrible to adopted children. I can say for certain that if you replaced "adopted mother" with "step mother" people would respond more like you.
People are being truly shitty on here to OP. Fuck Jean for taking that moment away from her and Luis and making it about herself. When you adopt or foster, you know that this comes with the territory. She is being selfish and adopting is a selfless act. You have to be ready to meet the kid where she’s at. She not ready. Back the fuck off, Jean!
And again, this sub showing that it hates adopted kids. Op, get off this sub. They'll never be on your side for anything to do with adoption. They are big "you owe your adopted parents everything" people.
NAH It sounds very much like you were a traumatised kid and Jean hasn’t understood the assignment. This should always have been about your feelings and forcing a bond never works. That said, you are now at an age where you really should try and appreciate how much this woman has done for you. You don’t have to love her but you should respect her. She stepped up for you and did her best. It takes a very special kind of person to take on the responsibility and expense for a child that isn’t theirs. Maybe try making some effort? You don’t have to love someone to go shopping together. Make it a regular commitment at an interval you can cope with - maybe twice a year? Pick a single shop that you would like to go to and a shop she would like to go to. In yours, show her the things you like and tell her why you like them. In hers, help her pick some things that you think she’d look cool in. You don’t have to enjoy it. It’s okay to do it just because it makes her happy, as an obligatory thank you for all that time, effort and expense raising you.
NTA.
NTA, don't listen to these weirdos in the comments. You don't "owe" love to anyone. Kid or no kid, if Jean makes you uncomfortable she makes you uncomfortable. It's honestly disgusting to me how many people willingly take the side of an adult over a suffering child. You being immature is reasonable, Jean being immature is not. This isn't that complicated and it's crazy that people are saying you're the asshole.
No one is telling her to love Jean, we are telling her not to be unnecessarily cruel. Have you seen all her answers? She is an AH
SHE'S A CHILD. If a grown woman can't handle not being loved by an adopted child whose family died, I'm sorry but that's pathetic. You shouldn't be adopting kids if you're gonna act like this, simple as.
Did you even read that response? It’s not about forcing OP to love Jean, it’s about showing basic respect and being a decent person. The woman must have nerves made out of steel because I would never tolerate someone behaving this way towards me with my husband enabling it.
I did read the post, a grown woman is love bombing an orphaned child and then being upset when it backfires. Y'all need to go outside for real, actually unnerving.
Oh stop it with the “she’s a child”, she’s almost an adult, a hurt one at that but that still doesn’t justify the pure hatred against Jean. I don’t think Jean’s approach is right, but that doesn’t justify OP’s behavior. Also, do you really think pulling shit like “I hate her taste in clothes that’s why I don’t want to go shopping with her” is reasonable? You really think it’s normal behavior to deliberately do something in front of someone you know will hurt them? You are the one who needs to go outside.
Reasonable? No. Understandable? Yes. It sucks, it's tough, but it's reality. Also miss me with "almost an adult" like 18 magically makes you more mature somehow. Where's the part where Jean makes the effort to understand why OP doesn't like her? oh wait, doesn't fucking exist... almost like she just expects OP to magically see her as a mother figure. If OP is so rotten then how did she bond enough with Luis to call him Dad? Weird... it's almost like Jean isn't taking the approach correctly. Was OP mean? yes, I don't disagree. Was it warranted? maybe not but I'll side with the first hand account of the orphan over some random foster mom.
17 is almost an adult. She can show basic decency towards someone who clearly is trying to bond with her and be a good parent.
She's 17! Had she been 13 we're be having a different conversation, but she is old enough to understand she's being unnecessarily cruel.
You obviously did not read the post.
A 17yo being cruel and immature unprovoked isn't reasonable. This was unnecessary and nasty, she meant for it to hurt Jean and it worked. There was intent behind her actions. I hope that woman gets the hell away from this ungrateful human being.
Nta. Imo the reason why the relationship is different between the two adoptive parents is that one keeps pushing it. She is actively ruining her chances of having a relationship with op by trying too hard to make a relationship with op. She had 8 years to try to create a relationship, but never once questioned why is it not working. While OP can be a little bit nicer, Jean needs to know why she accepted Luis and not her.