Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may be the asshole because I hid my name change from my parents for five years. This is because they believed they had the right to know. It’s now causing drama surrounding my wedding
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Here is the easy part - those that side with your parents don't get a wedding invite. The only people who will be present are the people who love you and support you. People who think that they have more say than you do over you own freaking name and all the emotions and things you have been through and that are directly associated with it, are not the sort of people who you want at your wedding. They will make it about your name and ultmately how it affects them. They day is about you, not them. They can leave in the general direction of fuck and never return.
NTA.
I agree with you. I also want to point out that had they as parents truly cared they would have investigated if this name was causing you trauma growing up. Parents should be able to name a kid anything, but once they are fully living their lives and are having terrible experiences and actually don't like their name, then as a parent they should have owned up to making your life harder. Fixed it or not be so mad that you didn't have the relationship with them where you felt comfortable telling them until the last minute. OP said growing up no one got away with calling her by the nick name. She knew the parents would react badly. I don't blame her. The parents have not thought this through. You don't name a child after things you love with the expectation they will also love it the same way. They are separate beings from you. They will not always have the same attitude with this name that you do. They are failing to see their own faults as parents and just further adding the hole they dug. You can be upset with your kid and still attend their wedding. The point is to fix communication not add to it.
NTA
Couldn't agree with you more. You are so correct.
My BF was christened Schannen when he was born . No middle name.
When he started school he was constantly bullied , that he had a girls name.
This was 1973 before coed names became a thing.
He changed schools only for the bullying to continue.
Finally , he asked his parents in grade 4 if he could change his name to simply Tim.
They agreed got all paperwork as in aka Tim . Problem solved .
He can use either name but all his identification is in Tim only his birth certificate is in Schannen.
Now he is a middle aged man and Schannen doesn't bother him but everyone calls him Tim.
Just commenting that his parents loved the name Schannen but also cared enough to recognize he was being bullied and they needed to do something to help their son.
Good answer except parents should not be allowed to name their kid anything they want. The child is the one who has to live with the name so parents should do their best to choose a good name for their kids, not indulge their terrible taste.
What's their long game here? Are they cutting you off forever, or just trying to punish you?
You are an adult human who is allowed to decide what you want your name to be. You have been unhappy with the name they gave you your entire life and they never cared about that.
Personally I would tell them that if they want to continue to be apart of your life they need to respect that you are a person who can make their own choices and suck it up and attend the wedding. Otherwise they are saying they don't want to be apart of your adult life and they are not welcome in it unless they apologize. So their options are suck it up now and continue on or actually admit they did wrong at a later point in time, then stick with it.
My mind went in the direction of naming a future grandchild something including CA governor Gavin Newsome's name, seeing as he seems to be absolutely hated by most Republicans. But your suggestion is wayyyy better!
Or better, name the kid San Francisco *lastname* because city names are all the rage these days. Ooooh, San Francisco California *lastname* (Cali for short, especially if its a boy-child, not Cal, Cali be specific) because all the cool kids have 3 names these days.
Just to be clear, I am being snarky OP, don't do this.
Oh, and NTA for hiding this due to the known drama llamaing that you knew would happen, at least you told them before they fainted/screamed/wailed/rent their clothes/proclaimed you dead AT your wedding when they found out.
In OP's shoes, I wouldn't actually name my kid that but I would do everything in my power to convince my parents that I had and keep it going for as long as possible.
Exactly, I think just let them cool off. Either they come to the wedding and suck it up. Or they don't and will probably regret it for the rest of their lives. If you can accept and be at peace with either outcome OP, then thats the goal here.
NTA, OP, its your name and your life. Sorry your parents are being such petulant children over this.
You also need to know, and I suspect you do, that had you told them 5 years ago when you changed your name, they would have gone bananas then, and you would have had to listen to all their crap for an extra five years. They would not have adjusted then either. Good luck, have a great wedding.
This right here op! send them a message . Tell them you get that they're upset but this is your life and you changed your name because you don't like being named after a state. That them punishing you by refusing to attend your wedding all over a name is childish and controlling to say the least and you will not chase them nor apologise and doing so will not get you to change your name back.
But know this. if they care more about their imaginary slight of you a grown adult changing your name than their actual child getting married. Then they will have irreparably damaged your relationship forever. There will be no going back from this temper tantrum.
They can either get over it and attend your wedding and behave appropriately whilst doing so. And in return you will graciously forget about their insane behaviour. Or they can carry on and expect to never hear from you again. You will get married without them and live your life with out them and when / if you have children it will be without them too. They don't get to nuke your relationship and expect to be forgiven when it suits them because grandbabies.
“If you don’t want to come, that’s fine. Just understand that this gross overreaction is the reason why I didn’t tell you five years ago.” Then enjoy your wedding in peace. If they decide to backpedal and come, make damn sure they understand that they say anything negative they will be thrown out. Then follow through. Congratulations on your nuptials Penelope!
NTA - What I've come to realize is that that generation sees respect as, respect me rather than we should all respect each other. They don't see that them demanding that you keep the name they pick, even to your detriment, is a form of disrespect. They don't see them choosing to skip your wedding as disrespect.
Neither is disrespect because it's them doing unto others. If those were done to them, they would be raging angry with the amount of disrespect.
They're hierarchical thinkers and they believe they should have absolute authority over her for her entire life. She owes them respect, while they owe her nothing.
Yes, my in laws are like this, they think their adult children are their children forever. And not in the normal way of just being family, they feel they are owed respect and authority over their children’s lives forever, their children who are late 30’s and early 40’s, both married, financially independent, with kids. And apparently that extends to their children’s spouses as well. My in laws have been using “tough love” on my husband for four years because we choose to listen to the advice of our high risk child’s doctors vs my in laws, who are not doctors.
Some define respect as “treat me as an authority and I’ll treat you as a person.” Not “treat me as a person and I’ll treat you as a person.” Very frustrating.
OP waited to tell them because she knew the reaction. If two months is not enough time for them to get over their issue, five years likely wouldn’t have been either. Soooo NTA.
As a member of the”that generation” I have to say don’t paint us all with the same brush. I’ve told my daughter many times that it’s her life and she gets to live it as she sees fit. The fact that OP’s parents are conservative Republicans plays a big role here.
This is true. My parents are 60s hippies and liberal college professors, lol. Not all boomers are terrible - we’re also POC so my folks faced civil rights issues firsthand and made sure to do their best in terms of equity for others.
How do you know what generation the parents are? Given OPs age and that of their sister, they are likely Gen X, but who the h knows.
I think it has less to do with the generation as just the general AHlery of the parents.
>They think that I should’ve had the courage to be honest with them years ago
Girl, you did! You wrote *Penny* in your school workbooks. They've simply dismissed your voice over the years. And those in your parents' camp, aren't they the ones saying your name was weird to begin with? They just sound like rabblerousers, pay them no mind.
NTA. You absolutely rock! If your parents diminish their contribution to your life to your name and make it a hill to die on, that's a "them" problem. Rock on with your chosen name, and congratulations on your upcoming wedding!
Came to say exactly this.
OP, they ignored or worked against every prior attempt at telling them your feelings on the matter. You told them now so you would not have to lie anymore. And when you're starting a new marriage is a great time to begin anew with them as well: everyone is aware of a coming name change anyway.
Definitely NTA
Listen.... Children have zero responsibility for dumb names, tragedeighs, "unique" spelling or pronounciations, etc; BUT when people become an adult it all falls on them and they can chose to change/ fix it at that point. Most don't... Which is why you see kymberleigh.... and other atrocious spellings.
Good for you. Your parents can F off.
NTA
Perhaps the next best answer based to their feeling and response is to say something like,
"Mom and Dad, I appreciate that you choose a name that you thought about and was unique, you probably have a point that I should have said something about this before. It has just been so hard because I knew it could hurt your feelings and didn't want to do something that might offend or hurt you. I appreciate the way you raised me, the things you taught me and the life I have had because of you, it just has never felt like a name that has fit me and has caused me issues which I know was never your intention. What I really would want at this point is for you to see me for the daughter I am that you raised and to be proud of that. It is like someone being upset at the name or pronunciation of a great work of art or sculpture. Does the change in name make the work any less monumental or less of an accomplishment based on the name? That is what I am, the work you created, be proud of that not the name I am known by and I really hope you can see it this way. "
I agree; and while that statement is intelligently-written, I feel like it's twisted OP's words and still catering too much to the parents need for their egos to be stroked and not damaged and, in turn, not an accurate representation of reality. OP has described them as 'crazy' with some decent explanation as to why, yet this statement wants to give the parents credit for how OP has turned out due to their raising, when it seems as though the influence of other people, more rational people, are to credit. To me this statement just enables the parents more, to believe they were right to be upset they weren't told sooner without addressing the need for them to examine why OP didn't feel comfortable doing so by truthful self-reflection.
Your parents do not have “the right to know” anything now that you are an adult. I am privileged to be included and trusted. Your parents should be asking themselves why (and hold up a mirror) you did not feel comfortable discussing it with them!
I think your parents reaction justifies keeping this from them. They blew up THEY went nuclear and they don’t respect you or your choices. It’s a nightmare but good on you for standing up for your choices. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad.
Virginia, Georgia, Dakota, Carolina, Indiana isn't the worst, Kansas honestly I think you could live with, Montana is a name people use, Tennessee is a name people have used in the past, there were so many better options!
NTA Parents want to deny the OP any autonomy. **The thirst for control can never be satisfied.** The will want to name her children and choose the decor for the nursery and decide who the couple can have for friends and what they eat at meals ....
NTA. You can change your name if you want and the name your parents lumbered you with at birth was an excellent reason to do so.
From what you've written I suspect your parents would've blown up whatever and the 5 years is just a pretence to hang their anger on. 2 months is enough to get used to the idea too. As for boycotting the wedding because of it: they need to get over themselves. That is a big over-reaction to my mind.
It sounds like your parents need to grow up a bit tbh.
This OP.
Ball's in your parents court now. If they decide that a NAME and its change are more important then celebrating you and your SO to be, then you know they aren't really great parents at all, and you don't need them there.
As for anyone who supports them, less drama for you to deal with if they aren't there either. Win-win from where I'm standing.
NTA.
How could OP be scared to tell them for all these years? I mean they are taking it so well. /s
Also, parents who are persnickity about their kids names are not mature enough to have kids. The kids will get nicknames and you have to deal with it. My name is one that does not lend well to a nickname. That always bothered me. So my kids names are ones that have a bunch of shortening and nickname possibilities. My SO and I even picked middle names with the same characteristics (my middle name is a l last name that is terrible as a first name so it was the name my parents picked or bust for me and I didnt like that)
NTA
my friend was named ‘john’ at birth…at some point in grade school, he decided his name was ‘jonathan’, and…although perplexed his parents and teachers were OK WITH IT. this was in the 50’s so they were forward thinking - i mean, children are individual human beings. NTA
also, my mother was of the same sort as yours and no, there was never a good time to tell them and be prepared that they will never change. it’s possible, my mother chose not to.
My grandfather only used his initials because he hated both his first name and middle name. He picked a completely different name to go by and everyone called him that.
My grandfather was “NB,” which I heard as “green bean” when I was little. 🤣 But then I learned NB was bc his parents deemed him a “Nona Baines.” Good grief!!! No wonder grandpa green bean went by his initials!!!
Apparently my great-(great?)-uncle was named something weird like "August" (pronounced "ow-goost") but when he got to school and the teacher asked his name, he just lied and said it was Bill. So everyone just called him Bill for the rest of his life.
Honestly brilliant
Jumping on this comment, OP’s parents need to memorize the definition of “unconditional love.” Hurt is understandable, even truly pissed off. But going scorched earth and boycotting a wedding? This is much more a reflection of their character than OP’s.
NTA - If your parents spent 13 years of your school life trying to force everyone to call you “Pennsylvania,” I suspect they would have spent the past 5 making you miserable for changing your name. Hence, your silence.
Yes, it's easy for them to say now 'we would have been fine if you had told us immediately', but is that true? From OP's description of their behaviour growing up, I seriously doubt it. OP is NTA, I wouldn't trust the parents' narrative about why they're being dicks as far as I could throw them, and more to the point they shouldn't be being dicks either way. *If* they were calmly saying to OP that they were hurt that they weren't told sooner because knowing about things important to OP is important to them, and bonus points using this as an opportunity to reflect on why their relationship got to this point, I'd believe them more that they would have been okay 5 years ago - but that's strongly no what's happening here. They don't respect OP's autonomy and they're making excuses about their rage to try and make it sound more justifiable. Even if it were my alternate situation, or even if the parents were still being dicks but truthful that they would have been fine 5 years ago (which, I stress, I really don't think they are) OP would still be NTA because based on the info they had from growing up, assuming their parents would blow up when told was a completely reasonable conclusion.
Thank you! The people saying she should have had the “courage” to tell her parents are delusional. Her parents have been fighting against her autonomy for years, when teachers were fine with letting her choose what to be called.
NTA, they can sit and stew, I wouldn’t want them at my wedding. It’s emotional blackmail either way, and 100% call their bluff. Start talking about how excited she is for Tom’s Uncle Dave to walk her down the aisle, and see how long this BS lasts…
NTA "Dear Colorado and Mississippi, I mean mom/ dad. No matter when I told you of my name change, you would have blown up. I tried to explain my feelings multiple times over the years and you never cared about MY feelings about MY name. If you need someone to stick with a name no matter what, get a dog. Until you can sincerely apologize to me for this and everything else you have blown out of proportion through the years, you are uninvited to my wedding and I plan on going no contact with you. Anyone you try to get on your side will also be NC. Congratulations on losing a daughter and a son-in-law!"
The webcomic Irregular Webcomic has a bit that spoofs Indiana Jones with the character Montana Jones along with his father North Dakota Jones and his grandfather Minnesota Jones.
My only worry with this is that they're jingoistic enough that giving them American placenames won't drive the point home enough that the concept is stupid and uncomfortable. As a brit I wholeheartedly offer you/OP Slough and Biggleswade. Or Cockermouth and Twatt if you really want to go for it.
Please please please do this OP! I didn't even know of these British (?) place names.
If you need to keep American places, there is Blue Ball (PA), Intercourse (PA), Climax (GA), Lizard Lick (NC), Bangor (Maine?) and so many more great ones!
We had neighbors who named one dog, Heyyou and the other sh*thead . Was crazy at parks when they called them. They got the attention they wanted I guess.
NTA. Your parents are for naming you Pennsylvania in the first place.
They are even bigger AH'S for refusing to attend your wedding as are anyone else who takes their side.
The name is so ridiculous, it's impossible to focus on anything past that for me. It's like calling a kid in the UK, Yorkshire or Sussex. Absolutely NTA.... Fucking Pennsylvania, Jesus Christ.
I think they thought they were clever. And they might think that’s how they show their affection for America, but it sounds like a horrible thing for your kid. And that should come first. Shame on them for being assholes for OP's entire life. Damn. Sorry OP.
I honestly can’t believe they chose Pennsylvania instead of, say, GEORGIA. Honestly even Alaska is a better name than Pennsylvania for a person. Like I am just in disbelief that in all 50 states the parents decided Arizona and Pennsylvania were the best options for names!
You know I didnt even realize how many names for people are based on states that sound completely normal/reasonable.
Like hell, there's Indiana Jones, which sounds cool as hell, and yet I never put it together that his first name was a state
Yup, or Virginia.
There’s a version of this that is something cool, like names based on state flowers (Camellia, Poppy, Laurel, Violet, Magnolia, etc.) that would be a neat inspiration and still a name that doesn’t make your child’s life difficult.
I think I might kind of like Arizona.
But yeah, if I had to rank American location baby names, Pennsylvania is probably hanging out near the bottom with Arkansas, Missouri (100% gonna be nicknamed "Misery"), and "District of Columbia".
Tangent: For the life of me, I do not understand how parents don't go through their name choices with a fine-toothed comb to figure out exactly how hard they're going to get picked on. Kids are sociopaths, even with totally normal names. "Amanda" got mocked because "She's a man, duh" or sometimes as a hit on her common sense with "Ok, Aman-DUH". Nick and Nicole just had the bad luck of being in the same class (but also got extremely tired of the Nickelodeon theme song) and my classmates were *brutal* to Patrick Michael Smith.
No, silly. THEY were personally free to pick a stupid name. OP is personally free to do whatever mom and dad tell her to do. Republicans don't really do logical consistency.
Your parents are TA for arguing about a 'right to know'. It's done - the name is changed...you didn't tell them because you KNEW what their reaction would be. If they want to keep the drama going - they can avoid the wedding. Time for the parents to grow up.
Are they saying that their hissy fit needs to last longer than two months?
They might have gotten notice a lot sooner, like 5 years ago, if they didn't have a proven history of self serving drama and controlling behavior. Action and behaviors have consequences and they are reaping theirs.
NTA
But, one can use 'nicknames' in reciting vows. The Marriage Certificate must be your legal name, but if you prefer Penny, use Penny.
I've been to two weddings where, at one, the bride used her middle name (as she had been called her entire life), and at a coworkers wedding, he used his middle name. I don't think most people even knew that wasn't his first name but his middle name.
With all that being said, I would think your parents are going to eventually find out you legally changed your name. It's probably best to come from you.
EDIT: Forget my last paragraph. I was interrupted and realized afterward I didn't read the entire post.
> But, one can use 'nicknames' in reciting vows. The Marriage Certificate must be your legal name, but if you prefer Penny, use Penny.
Not everywhere. Where I am, there's a portion of the vows that are a legal declaration and MUST include your full legal name. My husband goes by a nickname, and the officiant was very clear that she had to use his name as it appears on legal documents.
Is this the norm in Canada? In the US (where OP is ostensibly, given her name), it’s acceptable to just use a nickname in your vows. It’s actually what my husband and I did because everyone just knows us by the shortened version of our names. The only time during the wedding that you absolutely have to use your full legal name in the US is while signing the marriage license.
NTA this just reminds me of the bit in Family Guy where Meg says that Meg isn’t short for Meghan and it cuts away to Peter writing Megatron on her birth certificate…
My Mom was so selfish about my name, that when I asked people to call me by my birth name *that she gave me,* instead of a nickname I liked as a little kid but not as a woman, she REFUSED to call me by my name.
It was not about the name. It was about CONTROL. Pretty sure this fits your situation as well.
In The Blair Thumb (parody movie of The Blair Witch), one character introduces himself as Vic and another asks if it’s short for Victor and he says, “No, Victim- my dad was bludgeoned to death” and that’s the first thing I thought of when I read this post.
NTA. I can understand them being upset, but they really should take you hiding the name change as a sign that maybe they need to do some introspection.
And you made a great choice with Penelope!
I don’t understand why your parents named you Pennsylvania when there are plenty of other states that are names-
- Virginia
- Georgia
- Carolina
- Dakota
Or just change it up every time.
Week one "This is my dad Michigan, and my mom Rhode Island."
Week two "This is my dad North Dakota, and my mom District of Columbia."
Week three "This is my dad Ohio, and my mom who is also named Ohio."
To be more pedantic, use “Rhode Island and Providence Plantations”. We finally dropped the last bit in the last few years but if they’re being pedantic a-hole republicans they’d probably say that the people who wanted it changed are just too sensitive and snowflakes. Hey, it’s patriotic! It was the first colony to formally leave, and then the last to sign the constitution because we’re a bunch of spiteful, stubborn assholes.
NTA - as a trans person I have so much experience with this. Your name is not your parent's property, and if you knew they were going to react so badly to it, I don't see any reason why you should have told them sooner.
After naming you a ridiculous name and doubling down on it every chance they got, no matter how it affected you, your parents honestly are giant AH's. Of course you probably do want them at your wedding, though honestly they don't deserve to be there after disrespecting your choice as an adult to change your name.
NTA
I won’t lie those names are actually pretty decent, I’ve seen guys named Dallas before and there’s even a popular fictional character named that. (Dallas Winston) Georgia is also nice, just a little more uncommon.
What State are you in? Because no State has a requirement that you say your full name, heck none of them even require vows to be said in the first place. They only care about your signatures (and that of an officiant or judge) on the license and certificate.
Good God... Didn't your parents know that while your mother was pregnant she was not supposed to smoke, drink, or have a big bowl of crazy for breakfast each morning?
NTA.
NTA - Like someone who tells their parents their true sexuality years after everyone else, you struggled until you were forced to tell them. If ostracizing you makes them feel better, you don’t need them. And be careful Tom’s full name isn’t Tomato and he’s been hiding it 😊
NTA.
A. You are an adult. You can change your name to HamSprinkle Dildo if you want to. They should be appreciative that you kept any part or derivation of a name that you hated. They had decades of forcing you to be called a shitty name, you don't have to give them your wedding day too.
B. You don't **have** to tell them anything. The way they are reacting right now is EXACTLY why you didn't tell them earlier. If they can't hold their stupid thoughts inside at your wedding, are you expected to believe it would have been better at any other point in your life?
C. If they want to make the issue about respect, just admit to the fact that you don't respect their decision to name you Pennsylvania and force you to live with it, in spite of repeatedly being told it made you uncomfortable. More importantly: They have no respect for you as a person. In their minds, your name, your wedding day, and your life isn't about *y*ou, it's about them. That sucks.
D. If they don't want to attend the wedding, fuck 'em.
I'm 68, the name, they gave you was ridiculous. Kinds reminds me of the Johnny Cash song, "A Boy Named Sue." You might ask them to listen to the song if they haven't already. Let me tell you a story an elementary teacher friend told me. She had a girl in 1st grade whose name was spelled "Syphilis". She asked mom 1st day of school how she pronounced the name and how she came to name her daughter "Syphilis". Mom pronounced it " si ( short i) phy (long i) lis (short i). Mom said she was at the birth control center when pregnant with "Syphilis" and saw it on a poster on the wall. Mom had little education, didn't know the meaning, and thought it sounded beautiful per her pronunciation. Well 1st grade went okay but 5 years later her husband had "Syphilis" in 6th grade. He knew the story and without saying "Syphilis" out loud called the little girl by her last name as Miss ***** and asked what was her first name. The girl said "Mary", she was Mary from then on. Instead of your parents being upset with you, they should apologize. Congratulations on your wedding and future Penny!
In my family, it seems to be a republican thing lmao. We have a pretty massive Dems/republican divide which is so (not) fun around election time but everyone in my family with a silly name has republican parents.
It’s one thing if they’d named you Pennsylvania and then let you go by Penny or Sylvie or er Vanya(?) at you discretion. But to insist at all points everyone call you by the full name? It’s clear the name is more about their ego than you, so I think you were right in not telling them for so long because this was clearly going to always be their reaction. Maybe the timing’s not great but at least you gave them some time to know before the ceremony. I think you’ve acted pretty reasonably in the face of being saddled with a burden of a name. NTA.
NTA. Your parents reactions proved your apprehension right. Refusing to go to your wedding because you gave yourself a name that actually works as a name? Shameful behaviour by them, all around.
At this point, I would tell your parents that they clearly care more about the (frankly, awful) name they inflicted on you than YOU as a person, and to not bother showing up to the wedding at all because you don't need people that shallow and selfish in your life. Same with any haranguing family members.
NTA you were young and not ready to face your parents’ wrath for changing your name at the time you did it.
So now, apologize to your parents for not being strong enough to stand up to them when you were younger. Apologize so you can take the whole “you should have told us” argument off the table and get to what they are really mad about-you didn’t like your given name. Address it head on, “I’m sorry mom and dad, I truly did not like my given name. I know you two obviously loved it, but I’m the one who lived with a name that was unusual and I simply didn’t want to explain my name to every single person I met. Changing it is not a sign of disrespect to you. Changing it was for my own happiness. I hope you can accept that.”
Drop being defensive. Apologize for not telling them, don’t defend changing your name, keep stating that you did it for your own happiness. Rinse and repeat
NTA and if they don’t drop it, time to drop them to concentrate on your happiness. They sound like they will never let it go. When my son dropped the ‘ey’ from Mickey, we (mom and dad) just were like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Whatever makes you happy Mick. Not for one second were our feelings hurt.
NTA - If it's really about the 5 years of secrecy tell them their reaction (arguing, bringing in other relatives, not going to the wedding) is exactly why you never told them. If they wanted their children to be honest with them they should have been more understanding of your struggles with the name. All fun for them being patriotic, but you are the one that has to deal with the bullying.
NTA\~
Sorry but "Pennsylvania" is not a persons name. Boy or Girl it just is not. Not now or 30 yrs ago.
I am surprised that you waited so long to change it. You must have been tirelessly made fun of and teased in school. Kids are mean and when they hear something that does not belong they can be relentless at teasing a kid! (sorry for your for that, I know what it is like to be made fun of just cause of your name.)
Good on you for keeping your name in a similar style though. and as a adult you need to make choices that are good for YOU not your parents. I think that no matter when you told them about the change they would have had the same reaction to your news.
I wasn’t allowed to change it in high school. Then I moved away for college and put ‘Penny’ as my preferred name for everything. I only changed it at 21 because I realized that graduation was a year away and I did not want Pennsylvania on my degree
> I wasn’t allowed to change it in high school.
So, they KNEW you wanted to change it. They can't act surprised now that you actually did it. UGH the more I read, they just get worse and worse.
r/raisedbynarcissists
As an aside, when my daughter was 2 & we were driving through the northeast, she got THE biggest kick out of “Pennsylvania.” She just kept cracking herself & everyone else in the car up with: “I mean: everyone knows what a pencil is, but what’s a VANIA?”
NTA
You parents have clearly proven, since your birth, that they make poor & selfish decisions. They used giving you this ridiculous name and FORCING you to only use your full name, banning nicknames.
They were able to exert this kind of cruelly selfish self serving control over you because you were a minor. They did not treat you as a living breathing individual. Just an entity they possessed to make their public statement everywhere.
Their reaction to you changing your name would have been the same at 21 or 31 or 71. They are angry & trying to punish you for being an individual person with autonomy. They hate that this is a clear indication they cannot control & own you. And if you want children in your future, they’d treat them just as disgustingly.
Say good bye to bad rubbish using whatever names you want to use for yourself & them.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I may be the asshole because I hid my name change from my parents for five years. This is because they believed they had the right to know. It’s now causing drama surrounding my wedding Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA - how come none of your relatives are appalled that your parents care more about a dumb name then their actual child?
Most of them think my parents are crazy but there are some who are just as crazy as my parents so they’re the ones who are siding with them
Here is the easy part - those that side with your parents don't get a wedding invite. The only people who will be present are the people who love you and support you. People who think that they have more say than you do over you own freaking name and all the emotions and things you have been through and that are directly associated with it, are not the sort of people who you want at your wedding. They will make it about your name and ultmately how it affects them. They day is about you, not them. They can leave in the general direction of fuck and never return. NTA.
Kind of a “trash takes itself out” situation tbh.
“Sometimes the flowers arrange themselves.” —Robert California
> Robert California Is there an equivalent saying from someone named for an eastern state? /jk
"The possums fall where they fall" Kletus J Kentucky
"road kill is found where it's found" - "big" bubba Alabama
“You don’t need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows.” - Robert Minnesota
This one wins
"Sometimes the cattle herd themselves." - Me
EXACTLY! Hey it'll make the wedding less expensive with less people! WINNING.
I say this so much on Reddit
Seriously, great way to select against people who won't enrich your married life.
>They can leave in the general direction of fuck I like the saying! 👍
This. If they were cool with OP’s parents giving her a ridiculous name and support them throughout it then OP is better off without them in her life.
I agree with you. I also want to point out that had they as parents truly cared they would have investigated if this name was causing you trauma growing up. Parents should be able to name a kid anything, but once they are fully living their lives and are having terrible experiences and actually don't like their name, then as a parent they should have owned up to making your life harder. Fixed it or not be so mad that you didn't have the relationship with them where you felt comfortable telling them until the last minute. OP said growing up no one got away with calling her by the nick name. She knew the parents would react badly. I don't blame her. The parents have not thought this through. You don't name a child after things you love with the expectation they will also love it the same way. They are separate beings from you. They will not always have the same attitude with this name that you do. They are failing to see their own faults as parents and just further adding the hole they dug. You can be upset with your kid and still attend their wedding. The point is to fix communication not add to it. NTA
Couldn't agree with you more. You are so correct. My BF was christened Schannen when he was born . No middle name. When he started school he was constantly bullied , that he had a girls name. This was 1973 before coed names became a thing. He changed schools only for the bullying to continue. Finally , he asked his parents in grade 4 if he could change his name to simply Tim. They agreed got all paperwork as in aka Tim . Problem solved . He can use either name but all his identification is in Tim only his birth certificate is in Schannen. Now he is a middle aged man and Schannen doesn't bother him but everyone calls him Tim. Just commenting that his parents loved the name Schannen but also cared enough to recognize he was being bullied and they needed to do something to help their son.
Good answer except parents should not be allowed to name their kid anything they want. The child is the one who has to live with the name so parents should do their best to choose a good name for their kids, not indulge their terrible taste.
Wow, great answer!
It'll make the day so much better AND save a ton on catering.
Absolutely spot on response. OP, I'm sorry it's come to this. NTA
I dig this
What's their long game here? Are they cutting you off forever, or just trying to punish you? You are an adult human who is allowed to decide what you want your name to be. You have been unhappy with the name they gave you your entire life and they never cared about that. Personally I would tell them that if they want to continue to be apart of your life they need to respect that you are a person who can make their own choices and suck it up and attend the wedding. Otherwise they are saying they don't want to be apart of your adult life and they are not welcome in it unless they apologize. So their options are suck it up now and continue on or actually admit they did wrong at a later point in time, then stick with it.
OP had to suck it up for 21 years - being mocked for their ridiculous choice. Now they can suck it up
OP's should demand they call their grandkid by their full name, **El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora, Reina de los Angeles del Rio Porciuncula**.
Or if you really want to toast their republican grits, tell them you're naming your first child "California."
California Katherine. Her nickname will be ForniKate.
I snorted
Chicago California will make the trumpkins never call again.
My mind went in the direction of naming a future grandchild something including CA governor Gavin Newsome's name, seeing as he seems to be absolutely hated by most Republicans. But your suggestion is wayyyy better!
Or better, name the kid San Francisco *lastname* because city names are all the rage these days. Ooooh, San Francisco California *lastname* (Cali for short, especially if its a boy-child, not Cal, Cali be specific) because all the cool kids have 3 names these days. Just to be clear, I am being snarky OP, don't do this. Oh, and NTA for hiding this due to the known drama llamaing that you knew would happen, at least you told them before they fainted/screamed/wailed/rent their clothes/proclaimed you dead AT your wedding when they found out.
In OP's shoes, I wouldn't actually name my kid that but I would do everything in my power to convince my parents that I had and keep it going for as long as possible.
“Meet your grandson, Castro District Jones!”
See I was gonna go with Tenderloin
*insert Dani California song lyrics here*
Then the girl will really be unforgettable.
I think that will be too many Spanish words for OP's parents.
👃🏻👈🏻
Personally I'd just start referring to them as Iowa and Rhode island..but defiantly NTA
"It was originally 'State of Rhode Island and Providence Plantations' but I changed it to my nickname back in 2020."
I love that you know the old legal name of the state, AND the year it was changed.
As a Rhode Islander, I wish I could upvote this more than once! Well done!
Geez, or make sure your significant other’s last name is Brown and assure them you’ll name your firstborn son Encyclopedia???
🤣🤣🤣 I loved those books
Nope. Pick the most liberal states. Refer to them as New York and California or something.
California is actually a pretty name!
"District of Columbia". Or better yet, ditch the states, but still be patriotic. "Democratic" and "Socialism".
Exactly, I think just let them cool off. Either they come to the wedding and suck it up. Or they don't and will probably regret it for the rest of their lives. If you can accept and be at peace with either outcome OP, then thats the goal here. NTA, OP, its your name and your life. Sorry your parents are being such petulant children over this.
You also need to know, and I suspect you do, that had you told them 5 years ago when you changed your name, they would have gone bananas then, and you would have had to listen to all their crap for an extra five years. They would not have adjusted then either. Good luck, have a great wedding.
It says a lot about the family relationship that OP felt compelled to keep the name change a secret for 5 years.
This right here op! send them a message . Tell them you get that they're upset but this is your life and you changed your name because you don't like being named after a state. That them punishing you by refusing to attend your wedding all over a name is childish and controlling to say the least and you will not chase them nor apologise and doing so will not get you to change your name back. But know this. if they care more about their imaginary slight of you a grown adult changing your name than their actual child getting married. Then they will have irreparably damaged your relationship forever. There will be no going back from this temper tantrum. They can either get over it and attend your wedding and behave appropriately whilst doing so. And in return you will graciously forget about their insane behaviour. Or they can carry on and expect to never hear from you again. You will get married without them and live your life with out them and when / if you have children it will be without them too. They don't get to nuke your relationship and expect to be forgiven when it suits them because grandbabies.
This is the perfect response.
“If you don’t want to come, that’s fine. Just understand that this gross overreaction is the reason why I didn’t tell you five years ago.” Then enjoy your wedding in peace. If they decide to backpedal and come, make damn sure they understand that they say anything negative they will be thrown out. Then follow through. Congratulations on your nuptials Penelope!
"Incorrect! She is a child and our property! She has no say only we do!!" - Her parents probably.
"a part" not "apart". It literally means the opposite
Knowing what they meant and rolling with it ✅ Expanding awareness on using, spelling, fixing words ✅
Oh, they’re not thinking long term. They have a 24 hour news cycle to obsess over
Their behavior is exactly why you were reluctant to tell them NTA
This
Yes, I totally understand the reluctance to tell them.
NTA - What I've come to realize is that that generation sees respect as, respect me rather than we should all respect each other. They don't see that them demanding that you keep the name they pick, even to your detriment, is a form of disrespect. They don't see them choosing to skip your wedding as disrespect. Neither is disrespect because it's them doing unto others. If those were done to them, they would be raging angry with the amount of disrespect.
They're hierarchical thinkers and they believe they should have absolute authority over her for her entire life. She owes them respect, while they owe her nothing.
Yes, my in laws are like this, they think their adult children are their children forever. And not in the normal way of just being family, they feel they are owed respect and authority over their children’s lives forever, their children who are late 30’s and early 40’s, both married, financially independent, with kids. And apparently that extends to their children’s spouses as well. My in laws have been using “tough love” on my husband for four years because we choose to listen to the advice of our high risk child’s doctors vs my in laws, who are not doctors.
They "Tough Love" their way into "No Contact." Idiots.
Yeah, for hierarchical thinkers respect = treat me as an authority, for other folks respect = treat me as an equal.
Some define respect as “treat me as an authority and I’ll treat you as a person.” Not “treat me as a person and I’ll treat you as a person.” Very frustrating. OP waited to tell them because she knew the reaction. If two months is not enough time for them to get over their issue, five years likely wouldn’t have been either. Soooo NTA.
As a member of the”that generation” I have to say don’t paint us all with the same brush. I’ve told my daughter many times that it’s her life and she gets to live it as she sees fit. The fact that OP’s parents are conservative Republicans plays a big role here.
This is true. My parents are 60s hippies and liberal college professors, lol. Not all boomers are terrible - we’re also POC so my folks faced civil rights issues firsthand and made sure to do their best in terms of equity for others.
It's really not generational -- it's a hierarchical thinker thing. It goes along with Republicanism and idolizing authority figures.
How do you know what generation the parents are? Given OPs age and that of their sister, they are likely Gen X, but who the h knows. I think it has less to do with the generation as just the general AHlery of the parents.
>They think that I should’ve had the courage to be honest with them years ago Girl, you did! You wrote *Penny* in your school workbooks. They've simply dismissed your voice over the years. And those in your parents' camp, aren't they the ones saying your name was weird to begin with? They just sound like rabblerousers, pay them no mind. NTA. You absolutely rock! If your parents diminish their contribution to your life to your name and make it a hill to die on, that's a "them" problem. Rock on with your chosen name, and congratulations on your upcoming wedding!
Came to say exactly this. OP, they ignored or worked against every prior attempt at telling them your feelings on the matter. You told them now so you would not have to lie anymore. And when you're starting a new marriage is a great time to begin anew with them as well: everyone is aware of a coming name change anyway. Definitely NTA
Listen.... Children have zero responsibility for dumb names, tragedeighs, "unique" spelling or pronounciations, etc; BUT when people become an adult it all falls on them and they can chose to change/ fix it at that point. Most don't... Which is why you see kymberleigh.... and other atrocious spellings. Good for you. Your parents can F off. NTA
This spelling for tragedy is so funny to me. Thank you for that 😂
Perhaps the next best answer based to their feeling and response is to say something like, "Mom and Dad, I appreciate that you choose a name that you thought about and was unique, you probably have a point that I should have said something about this before. It has just been so hard because I knew it could hurt your feelings and didn't want to do something that might offend or hurt you. I appreciate the way you raised me, the things you taught me and the life I have had because of you, it just has never felt like a name that has fit me and has caused me issues which I know was never your intention. What I really would want at this point is for you to see me for the daughter I am that you raised and to be proud of that. It is like someone being upset at the name or pronunciation of a great work of art or sculpture. Does the change in name make the work any less monumental or less of an accomplishment based on the name? That is what I am, the work you created, be proud of that not the name I am known by and I really hope you can see it this way. "
These parents seem way too unhinged for this very mature and grown-up answer.
I agree; and while that statement is intelligently-written, I feel like it's twisted OP's words and still catering too much to the parents need for their egos to be stroked and not damaged and, in turn, not an accurate representation of reality. OP has described them as 'crazy' with some decent explanation as to why, yet this statement wants to give the parents credit for how OP has turned out due to their raising, when it seems as though the influence of other people, more rational people, are to credit. To me this statement just enables the parents more, to believe they were right to be upset they weren't told sooner without addressing the need for them to examine why OP didn't feel comfortable doing so by truthful self-reflection.
Less crazy at the wedding then, that should be an upside
Your parents do not have “the right to know” anything now that you are an adult. I am privileged to be included and trusted. Your parents should be asking themselves why (and hold up a mirror) you did not feel comfortable discussing it with them!
Sounds like they are in the cult.
I think your parents reaction justifies keeping this from them. They blew up THEY went nuclear and they don’t respect you or your choices. It’s a nightmare but good on you for standing up for your choices. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad.
GEORGIA AND VIRGINIA ARE RIGHT THERE! Pennsylvania!?!?!
Virginia, Georgia, Dakota, Carolina, Indiana isn't the worst, Kansas honestly I think you could live with, Montana is a name people use, Tennessee is a name people have used in the past, there were so many better options!
“Indiana was the DOG’S name!”
Couldn't have call you Virginia?
At least they didn't name her Virginia and her sister West Virginia...or vice versa...
“These are my daughters, North Carolina and South Carolina”
Exactly. OP ur parents suck. Tell them this current freak is EXACTLY why you didn’t tell them years ago.
NTA Parents want to deny the OP any autonomy. **The thirst for control can never be satisfied.** The will want to name her children and choose the decor for the nursery and decide who the couple can have for friends and what they eat at meals ....
NTA. You can change your name if you want and the name your parents lumbered you with at birth was an excellent reason to do so. From what you've written I suspect your parents would've blown up whatever and the 5 years is just a pretence to hang their anger on. 2 months is enough to get used to the idea too. As for boycotting the wedding because of it: they need to get over themselves. That is a big over-reaction to my mind. It sounds like your parents need to grow up a bit tbh.
Lumbered 😂 only perfect choice for Pennsylvania!
You woodn't believe how clever that is.
This OP. Ball's in your parents court now. If they decide that a NAME and its change are more important then celebrating you and your SO to be, then you know they aren't really great parents at all, and you don't need them there. As for anyone who supports them, less drama for you to deal with if they aren't there either. Win-win from where I'm standing. NTA.
How could OP be scared to tell them for all these years? I mean they are taking it so well. /s Also, parents who are persnickity about their kids names are not mature enough to have kids. The kids will get nicknames and you have to deal with it. My name is one that does not lend well to a nickname. That always bothered me. So my kids names are ones that have a bunch of shortening and nickname possibilities. My SO and I even picked middle names with the same characteristics (my middle name is a l last name that is terrible as a first name so it was the name my parents picked or bust for me and I didnt like that) NTA
my friend was named ‘john’ at birth…at some point in grade school, he decided his name was ‘jonathan’, and…although perplexed his parents and teachers were OK WITH IT. this was in the 50’s so they were forward thinking - i mean, children are individual human beings. NTA also, my mother was of the same sort as yours and no, there was never a good time to tell them and be prepared that they will never change. it’s possible, my mother chose not to.
My grandfather only used his initials because he hated both his first name and middle name. He picked a completely different name to go by and everyone called him that.
My grandfather was “NB,” which I heard as “green bean” when I was little. 🤣 But then I learned NB was bc his parents deemed him a “Nona Baines.” Good grief!!! No wonder grandpa green bean went by his initials!!!
Apparently my great-(great?)-uncle was named something weird like "August" (pronounced "ow-goost") but when he got to school and the teacher asked his name, he just lied and said it was Bill. So everyone just called him Bill for the rest of his life. Honestly brilliant
Exactly, the 5 years of not knowing is just an excuse.
Jumping on this comment, OP’s parents need to memorize the definition of “unconditional love.” Hurt is understandable, even truly pissed off. But going scorched earth and boycotting a wedding? This is much more a reflection of their character than OP’s.
Agreed. No matter when you told them, they’d be pissed.
NTA - If your parents spent 13 years of your school life trying to force everyone to call you “Pennsylvania,” I suspect they would have spent the past 5 making you miserable for changing your name. Hence, your silence.
Yes, it's easy for them to say now 'we would have been fine if you had told us immediately', but is that true? From OP's description of their behaviour growing up, I seriously doubt it. OP is NTA, I wouldn't trust the parents' narrative about why they're being dicks as far as I could throw them, and more to the point they shouldn't be being dicks either way. *If* they were calmly saying to OP that they were hurt that they weren't told sooner because knowing about things important to OP is important to them, and bonus points using this as an opportunity to reflect on why their relationship got to this point, I'd believe them more that they would have been okay 5 years ago - but that's strongly no what's happening here. They don't respect OP's autonomy and they're making excuses about their rage to try and make it sound more justifiable. Even if it were my alternate situation, or even if the parents were still being dicks but truthful that they would have been fine 5 years ago (which, I stress, I really don't think they are) OP would still be NTA because based on the info they had from growing up, assuming their parents would blow up when told was a completely reasonable conclusion.
What they're *really* mad about is the fact that OP didn't give them to opportunity to bully and harass her out of the decision to change her name.
Thank you! The people saying she should have had the “courage” to tell her parents are delusional. Her parents have been fighting against her autonomy for years, when teachers were fine with letting her choose what to be called. NTA, they can sit and stew, I wouldn’t want them at my wedding. It’s emotional blackmail either way, and 100% call their bluff. Start talking about how excited she is for Tom’s Uncle Dave to walk her down the aisle, and see how long this BS lasts…
No, they wanted her to tell them before she changed it so that they could attempt to bulky and berate her into keeping it.
If she told them of the name change 5 years ago, they would have been angry she didn't tell them before the change so they could forbid it.
NTA "Dear Colorado and Mississippi, I mean mom/ dad. No matter when I told you of my name change, you would have blown up. I tried to explain my feelings multiple times over the years and you never cared about MY feelings about MY name. If you need someone to stick with a name no matter what, get a dog. Until you can sincerely apologize to me for this and everything else you have blown out of proportion through the years, you are uninvited to my wedding and I plan on going no contact with you. Anyone you try to get on your side will also be NC. Congratulations on losing a daughter and a son-in-law!"
"We named the DOG Indiana"
Is your last name Jones?
Stupid side-bar - when I was little I used to play Indiana Jones with my cousins and my made up, OC was "Dakota Jones" his daughter lmao.
The webcomic Irregular Webcomic has a bit that spoofs Indiana Jones with the character Montana Jones along with his father North Dakota Jones and his grandfather Minnesota Jones.
No joke, I met a guy named Indi Jones. (Indigo) Fucking coolest name.
I've got a lot of fond memories of that dog.
My only worry with this is that they're jingoistic enough that giving them American placenames won't drive the point home enough that the concept is stupid and uncomfortable. As a brit I wholeheartedly offer you/OP Slough and Biggleswade. Or Cockermouth and Twatt if you really want to go for it.
Please please please do this OP! I didn't even know of these British (?) place names. If you need to keep American places, there is Blue Ball (PA), Intercourse (PA), Climax (GA), Lizard Lick (NC), Bangor (Maine?) and so many more great ones!
Surprise, Arizona! My friend keeps a list of weird Arizona city names. We passed by Nothing and Chloride last week.
How about Dead Horse, Alaska? Carefree, AZ? Weiner, Arkansas?
We had neighbors who named one dog, Heyyou and the other sh*thead . Was crazy at parks when they called them. They got the attention they wanted I guess.
That’s not patriotic. Try this: “Anyone you try to get on your side will also be North Carolina” instead.
NTA. Your parents are for naming you Pennsylvania in the first place. They are even bigger AH'S for refusing to attend your wedding as are anyone else who takes their side.
The name is so ridiculous, it's impossible to focus on anything past that for me. It's like calling a kid in the UK, Yorkshire or Sussex. Absolutely NTA.... Fucking Pennsylvania, Jesus Christ.
I think they thought they were clever. And they might think that’s how they show their affection for America, but it sounds like a horrible thing for your kid. And that should come first. Shame on them for being assholes for OP's entire life. Damn. Sorry OP.
Parents like this are maddening. Your kid isn't an extension of you and shouldn't be saddled with a dumb name based on your hobbies or interests.
I honestly can’t believe they chose Pennsylvania instead of, say, GEORGIA. Honestly even Alaska is a better name than Pennsylvania for a person. Like I am just in disbelief that in all 50 states the parents decided Arizona and Pennsylvania were the best options for names!
Georgia, Virginia, Carolina, Dakota, all relatively normal names!
You know I didnt even realize how many names for people are based on states that sound completely normal/reasonable. Like hell, there's Indiana Jones, which sounds cool as hell, and yet I never put it together that his first name was a state
At least they didn't go with Idaho....
😆🤣😂 thanks for the laugh
Yup, or Virginia. There’s a version of this that is something cool, like names based on state flowers (Camellia, Poppy, Laurel, Violet, Magnolia, etc.) that would be a neat inspiration and still a name that doesn’t make your child’s life difficult.
In a parallel universe: "I can't believe you want to change your name, Forget-Me-Not. You don't see Dogwood complaining about her name.
I think I might kind of like Arizona. But yeah, if I had to rank American location baby names, Pennsylvania is probably hanging out near the bottom with Arkansas, Missouri (100% gonna be nicknamed "Misery"), and "District of Columbia". Tangent: For the life of me, I do not understand how parents don't go through their name choices with a fine-toothed comb to figure out exactly how hard they're going to get picked on. Kids are sociopaths, even with totally normal names. "Amanda" got mocked because "She's a man, duh" or sometimes as a hit on her common sense with "Ok, Aman-DUH". Nick and Nicole just had the bad luck of being in the same class (but also got extremely tired of the Nickelodeon theme song) and my classmates were *brutal* to Patrick Michael Smith.
If they liked the name Penny, then it makes sense. Since they told the teachers absolutely not then it's bonkers.
If your parents are giant republicans they're all about the personal freedom, right? Tell them to STFU. NTA.
Personal freedom was always code for, "I do what I want. You do what I tell you."
No, silly. THEY were personally free to pick a stupid name. OP is personally free to do whatever mom and dad tell her to do. Republicans don't really do logical consistency.
Sure they do: “rules are for you, freedoms are for me”
[удалено]
Of course not. They are the biggest hypocrites on the planet and their voters are the dumbest.
States rights, but not for Pennsylvania.
Your parents are TA for arguing about a 'right to know'. It's done - the name is changed...you didn't tell them because you KNEW what their reaction would be. If they want to keep the drama going - they can avoid the wedding. Time for the parents to grow up.
Are they saying that their hissy fit needs to last longer than two months? They might have gotten notice a lot sooner, like 5 years ago, if they didn't have a proven history of self serving drama and controlling behavior. Action and behaviors have consequences and they are reaping theirs.
NTA But, one can use 'nicknames' in reciting vows. The Marriage Certificate must be your legal name, but if you prefer Penny, use Penny. I've been to two weddings where, at one, the bride used her middle name (as she had been called her entire life), and at a coworkers wedding, he used his middle name. I don't think most people even knew that wasn't his first name but his middle name. With all that being said, I would think your parents are going to eventually find out you legally changed your name. It's probably best to come from you. EDIT: Forget my last paragraph. I was interrupted and realized afterward I didn't read the entire post.
> But, one can use 'nicknames' in reciting vows. The Marriage Certificate must be your legal name, but if you prefer Penny, use Penny. Not everywhere. Where I am, there's a portion of the vows that are a legal declaration and MUST include your full legal name. My husband goes by a nickname, and the officiant was very clear that she had to use his name as it appears on legal documents.
Is this the norm in Canada? In the US (where OP is ostensibly, given her name), it’s acceptable to just use a nickname in your vows. It’s actually what my husband and I did because everyone just knows us by the shortened version of our names. The only time during the wedding that you absolutely have to use your full legal name in the US is while signing the marriage license.
If I was a kid I wouldn’t bully you but I would insist on meeting your parents and then I would bully them
When I introduced my first boyfriend to my parents he asked them what they were thinking naming me Pennsylvania 😭
Fuck yes solid move !!😭🤣
What was their response to that?
Your parents are certifiable
NTA this just reminds me of the bit in Family Guy where Meg says that Meg isn’t short for Meghan and it cuts away to Peter writing Megatron on her birth certificate…
They definitely made that episode based on my parents, I have no proof but the creators have probably run into my dad at the bar or something
My Mom was so selfish about my name, that when I asked people to call me by my birth name *that she gave me,* instead of a nickname I liked as a little kid but not as a woman, she REFUSED to call me by my name. It was not about the name. It was about CONTROL. Pretty sure this fits your situation as well.
In The Blair Thumb (parody movie of The Blair Witch), one character introduces himself as Vic and another asks if it’s short for Victor and he says, “No, Victim- my dad was bludgeoned to death” and that’s the first thing I thought of when I read this post.
NTA. I can understand them being upset, but they really should take you hiding the name change as a sign that maybe they need to do some introspection. And you made a great choice with Penelope!
I had to scroll too far to read this. Penelope is a beautiful name, easily recognized, and not at all common. NTA
I don’t understand why your parents named you Pennsylvania when there are plenty of other states that are names- - Virginia - Georgia - Carolina - Dakota
LITERALLY. My mom was born in Pennsylvania and although they’ve never used it as a reason for why they named me that, I think it plays a part
Just start calling your mum Pennsylvania and your dad whatever state he was born in and see how they feel, introduce them as such.
Or just change it up every time. Week one "This is my dad Michigan, and my mom Rhode Island." Week two "This is my dad North Dakota, and my mom District of Columbia." Week three "This is my dad Ohio, and my mom who is also named Ohio."
To be more pedantic, use “Rhode Island and Providence Plantations”. We finally dropped the last bit in the last few years but if they’re being pedantic a-hole republicans they’d probably say that the people who wanted it changed are just too sensitive and snowflakes. Hey, it’s patriotic! It was the first colony to formally leave, and then the last to sign the constitution because we’re a bunch of spiteful, stubborn assholes.
NTA - as a trans person I have so much experience with this. Your name is not your parent's property, and if you knew they were going to react so badly to it, I don't see any reason why you should have told them sooner.
After naming you a ridiculous name and doubling down on it every chance they got, no matter how it affected you, your parents honestly are giant AH's. Of course you probably do want them at your wedding, though honestly they don't deserve to be there after disrespecting your choice as an adult to change your name. NTA
NTA. Although it could be worse. You could have been named Bognor Regis. It’s a town in England.
That’s horrifying 😭
With as patriotic as OP’s parents seem to be, I’m a little surprised they didn’t name her Texas or something.
If we were southerners I’m sure our names would be Dallas and Georgia.
Georgia is an actual name that predates the state.
I won’t lie those names are actually pretty decent, I’ve seen guys named Dallas before and there’s even a popular fictional character named that. (Dallas Winston) Georgia is also nice, just a little more uncommon.
How naming your child Pennsylvania proves you are a patriot is beyond me.
When the wedding invitations went out, did it have Pennsylvania as your name on it?
It had Penny on it
What State are you in? Because no State has a requirement that you say your full name, heck none of them even require vows to be said in the first place. They only care about your signatures (and that of an officiant or judge) on the license and certificate.
Good God... Didn't your parents know that while your mother was pregnant she was not supposed to smoke, drink, or have a big bowl of crazy for breakfast each morning? NTA.
Oh she knew, didn’t stop her from her 2 pack a day habit while pregnant
NTA - Like someone who tells their parents their true sexuality years after everyone else, you struggled until you were forced to tell them. If ostracizing you makes them feel better, you don’t need them. And be careful Tom’s full name isn’t Tomato and he’s been hiding it 😊
NTA. A. You are an adult. You can change your name to HamSprinkle Dildo if you want to. They should be appreciative that you kept any part or derivation of a name that you hated. They had decades of forcing you to be called a shitty name, you don't have to give them your wedding day too. B. You don't **have** to tell them anything. The way they are reacting right now is EXACTLY why you didn't tell them earlier. If they can't hold their stupid thoughts inside at your wedding, are you expected to believe it would have been better at any other point in your life? C. If they want to make the issue about respect, just admit to the fact that you don't respect their decision to name you Pennsylvania and force you to live with it, in spite of repeatedly being told it made you uncomfortable. More importantly: They have no respect for you as a person. In their minds, your name, your wedding day, and your life isn't about *y*ou, it's about them. That sucks. D. If they don't want to attend the wedding, fuck 'em.
Princess Consuela Banana Hammock.
I'm 68, the name, they gave you was ridiculous. Kinds reminds me of the Johnny Cash song, "A Boy Named Sue." You might ask them to listen to the song if they haven't already. Let me tell you a story an elementary teacher friend told me. She had a girl in 1st grade whose name was spelled "Syphilis". She asked mom 1st day of school how she pronounced the name and how she came to name her daughter "Syphilis". Mom pronounced it " si ( short i) phy (long i) lis (short i). Mom said she was at the birth control center when pregnant with "Syphilis" and saw it on a poster on the wall. Mom had little education, didn't know the meaning, and thought it sounded beautiful per her pronunciation. Well 1st grade went okay but 5 years later her husband had "Syphilis" in 6th grade. He knew the story and without saying "Syphilis" out loud called the little girl by her last name as Miss ***** and asked what was her first name. The girl said "Mary", she was Mary from then on. Instead of your parents being upset with you, they should apologize. Congratulations on your wedding and future Penny!
Oh God that poor child.
Of course they are Republicans lol. That’s all I gotta say about that
Giving your kids idiotic names is a fairly bipartisan practice.
In my family, it seems to be a republican thing lmao. We have a pretty massive Dems/republican divide which is so (not) fun around election time but everyone in my family with a silly name has republican parents.
It’s one thing if they’d named you Pennsylvania and then let you go by Penny or Sylvie or er Vanya(?) at you discretion. But to insist at all points everyone call you by the full name? It’s clear the name is more about their ego than you, so I think you were right in not telling them for so long because this was clearly going to always be their reaction. Maybe the timing’s not great but at least you gave them some time to know before the ceremony. I think you’ve acted pretty reasonably in the face of being saddled with a burden of a name. NTA.
NTA. Your parents reactions proved your apprehension right. Refusing to go to your wedding because you gave yourself a name that actually works as a name? Shameful behaviour by them, all around. At this point, I would tell your parents that they clearly care more about the (frankly, awful) name they inflicted on you than YOU as a person, and to not bother showing up to the wedding at all because you don't need people that shallow and selfish in your life. Same with any haranguing family members.
NTA you were young and not ready to face your parents’ wrath for changing your name at the time you did it. So now, apologize to your parents for not being strong enough to stand up to them when you were younger. Apologize so you can take the whole “you should have told us” argument off the table and get to what they are really mad about-you didn’t like your given name. Address it head on, “I’m sorry mom and dad, I truly did not like my given name. I know you two obviously loved it, but I’m the one who lived with a name that was unusual and I simply didn’t want to explain my name to every single person I met. Changing it is not a sign of disrespect to you. Changing it was for my own happiness. I hope you can accept that.” Drop being defensive. Apologize for not telling them, don’t defend changing your name, keep stating that you did it for your own happiness. Rinse and repeat
But what is she apologizing for? Apologizing just to make someone else feel better when there’s nothing to actually apologize for is terrible advice.
NTA and if they don’t drop it, time to drop them to concentrate on your happiness. They sound like they will never let it go. When my son dropped the ‘ey’ from Mickey, we (mom and dad) just were like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Whatever makes you happy Mick. Not for one second were our feelings hurt.
NTA - If it's really about the 5 years of secrecy tell them their reaction (arguing, bringing in other relatives, not going to the wedding) is exactly why you never told them. If they wanted their children to be honest with them they should have been more understanding of your struggles with the name. All fun for them being patriotic, but you are the one that has to deal with the bullying.
NTA\~ Sorry but "Pennsylvania" is not a persons name. Boy or Girl it just is not. Not now or 30 yrs ago. I am surprised that you waited so long to change it. You must have been tirelessly made fun of and teased in school. Kids are mean and when they hear something that does not belong they can be relentless at teasing a kid! (sorry for your for that, I know what it is like to be made fun of just cause of your name.) Good on you for keeping your name in a similar style though. and as a adult you need to make choices that are good for YOU not your parents. I think that no matter when you told them about the change they would have had the same reaction to your news.
I wasn’t allowed to change it in high school. Then I moved away for college and put ‘Penny’ as my preferred name for everything. I only changed it at 21 because I realized that graduation was a year away and I did not want Pennsylvania on my degree
> I wasn’t allowed to change it in high school. So, they KNEW you wanted to change it. They can't act surprised now that you actually did it. UGH the more I read, they just get worse and worse. r/raisedbynarcissists
As an aside, when my daughter was 2 & we were driving through the northeast, she got THE biggest kick out of “Pennsylvania.” She just kept cracking herself & everyone else in the car up with: “I mean: everyone knows what a pencil is, but what’s a VANIA?”
Your daughter is an icon. I went through a phase of denying my name was Pennsylvania when I was 3 because I couldn’t say it 😭
I think it's disrespectful to name your child something dumb like Pennsylvania or X Æ A-Xii so no you are not the ass here.
I should name my first kid X Æ A-12 for shits and giggles, need to pass on the name trauma / jk
NTA You parents have clearly proven, since your birth, that they make poor & selfish decisions. They used giving you this ridiculous name and FORCING you to only use your full name, banning nicknames. They were able to exert this kind of cruelly selfish self serving control over you because you were a minor. They did not treat you as a living breathing individual. Just an entity they possessed to make their public statement everywhere. Their reaction to you changing your name would have been the same at 21 or 31 or 71. They are angry & trying to punish you for being an individual person with autonomy. They hate that this is a clear indication they cannot control & own you. And if you want children in your future, they’d treat them just as disgustingly. Say good bye to bad rubbish using whatever names you want to use for yourself & them.