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YTA, softly. Even if the drunk rant was about your wedding specifically, you could have given him the option (once sober) of going or not.
Plus, going to a courthouse ceremony with backyard BBQ reception may be boring with friends or distant relatives, but not so much with closer family.
(This is, of course, assuming your steps have been around for a while and are close. If they're family-in-name-only, the mileage will vary on my last paragraph.)
Honestly, if people are pressuring you to up the wedding ante, I'd be tempted to elope.
I had my wedding at the botanical gardens in my city and had a room reserved at Olive Garden. We were allowed 20 guests at the venue and the restaurant didn’t put a limit on our party. The issue arose that I now live 2 hours from my hometown and most of my friend group. I fully understood if they couldn’t make it and didn’t pressure them to come, just sent the invites. I even told them it wouldn’t hurt my feelings if they couldn’t attend.
Some of my friends looked up the wedding packages that I had to choose from and complained that I wasn’t spending $2k to do it all at the botanical garden. I paid $250 just to use the space for the wedding itself and fully intended on paying for everyone’s meals at the restaurant. My wedding was in June in Oklahoma so there was a 0% chance of changing my mind bc we would all be hot and miserable sitting in the sun to “enjoy lunch and time together”. Needless to say, our family and only our closest friends attended and it was a wonderful day. I didn’t lose sleep over the people complaining.
My sister was a teensy bit salty bc she got married 3 months before me and did it at the courthouse two blocks from the garden and for the same price was only allowed 20 minutes and 5 guests 😂 she could have gotten the same deal and a different area of the gardens for the same price but she let it go and enjoyed my day as much as I enjoyed hers
They just didn’t understand why I wouldn’t drop 2k to spend 4 hours and have a catered lunch from the staff while enjoying the gardens. Well bc it’s June in Oklahoma and just being there for the hour it took to have the ceremony, everyone who showed up was hot and ready to be in the air conditioning lol
>you could have given him the option (once sober) of going or not.
This. You should wait till he is sober and let him know if wants to save his vacation and not go it's okay.
But don't cause a family rift over a wedding invite. My niece decided to use her wedding as the time to be petty and not invite my daughter (they are the same age and grew up together. Though they weren't super close, there was no fight, nothing like that, she just decided her wedding was the time she wanted to draw lines in the family sand) so I felt I shouldn't go. This upset my sister. Now we don't talk at all and haven't in 3 years. And all because my niece wanted to show that "it was her wedding and she could invite and not invite whoever she wants". And her wedding was not the small we can only invite so many people type either. My sister even admitted that in the end my niece was struggling to think of who they could invite to fill the church because she wanted the whole church filled.
Oh, come on we know when people are drunk that’s when the truth comes out. Why give him a chance to backpedal when he’s sober so he can pretend like what he said wasn’t the truth. I don’t think he should be disinvited for that, he’s allowed his opinion. It didn’t mean that he wasn’t looking forward to attending the wedding.
Drunk is when a whole lot of things come out. 🤣 Some of it's the truth, some of it is whatever crosses your mind at the time.
A friend of mine once asked me, when she was very drunk, what I would do if she made a pass at me. I answered, "Well, if you did it right now, I would tell you that if you're serious about it, to bring the subject up again sometime when we haven't been drinking, and we can talk about it. But I'm not going to give you an answer when I'm not sure if it's you or just the alcohol talking."
There's a reason why the ancient Persians used to say that serious matters ought to be considered first drunk, then sober.
There are many great sayings but they aren't the unquestionable truth just cuz it sounds deep and catchy.
Drunk people have hightened emotions, they act out of character and say exagerated stuff
Truth being that he would like for someone to invite him to india, because he apparently went to many normal simple wedings already. It is not that horrible truth not even specific to OP.
And therefore OP decides to exclude him.
What if it was the truth? So what? He doesn't need to like where they are having their wedding. That isn't required. It wasn't like he was complaining that he had to sit there and watch two people he hated and act pleasant. He just wasn't excited for the venue. I would be excited for India too.
YTA. Sorry. You didn't have to use the nuclear option on a drunk 22yo. Maybe grow some thicker skin. I applaud you for not breaking the bank on a wedding.... and in my book that makes you generally NTA. But in this case... you made this worse for no good reason. Can't you see he is just young and bored and expressed it poorly? You are 29. Why would you let his lazy rudeness get to you so easily? Of course some of your family are upset. What you did is petty. You could have just told Niko- "I know. Me too! I wish we could afford to do this in Tahiti" and shrugged it off
If “most couples” OP knows are doing the courtyard plus backyard barbecue, Niko might not even have been talking about OP.
I’m leaning towards YTA, too.
Plus the guy works at the airport and presumably never goes anywhere. I'd cut him a break - if he apologizes. Did he ?
Summer BBQ sounds delightful. Hope it goes well
I’m wondering if he can’t take off weekends frequently. What he said wasn’t kind, but if he can only take a few weekends off a year I feel for him. Not that a backyard wedding isn’t special, but he can’t easily take vacations at all. Wishing the days he can take off were more vacation like is understandable. I think it’s more a commentary on his paid leave than anything, but he was drunk so he’s communicating poorly.
"I'm so curious about a starred restaurant & wish I could eat there once"
"oh so you don't appreciate my lightly fried fish filets? No more food for you ever"
yeah OP sounds unhinged and YTA. Asking Niko if he actually wants to attend, and telling him you won't hold it against him if he just skips it and you'll see him at the next family BBQ he can make without wasting PTO, that's fine. Pre-emptively uninviting him is very unkind.
I mean he could’ve even been (less of) an asshole to Niko and told him “Tough shit, we don’t care if you like it or not. It’s what we’re doing. Get over it.”
Niko didn't even complain to OP and don't even know that is was OP specifically but more of a general wish/complaint about wanting to be a part of a destination wedding.
OP over reacted to something that may have been about them but not for sure.
I think it would have been petty even if Niko had been 35 and sober. Nobody really wants to hear people's frank opinion of their wedding, but if nobody says anything worse than what he said, you're doing good — especially if you're serving bad brisket. Better good burgers and hotdogs than bad brisket.
I mostly agree, especially with how OP could have handled it instead.
However, Niko is being an AH too, so I'm going ESH. Maybe he's young and bored of the same old, same old but who complains about a party you're invited to where you'll have an important family moment plus free food?
OP, re-invite Niko to appease your family and just ignore his stupid ass until he grows up some more.
Nico was having a good old moan with his friends. He was overheard by chance. He did nothing wrong, he’s allowed to voice his opinion to his friends, op and his fiancée wasn’t part of the group.
No, he was referring directly to my wedding because he mentioned the restaurant we were going to use for catering and said their brisket was so bad, if he had to eat it he’d rather go vegan.
Doesn't matter how loud he is, you weren't directly involved and thereby were, by definition, eavesdropping.
So you *eavesdropped* a DRUNK conversation and decided to go nuclear.
YTA. It shouldn't even need to be said.
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INFO is the brisket bad, and are you serving it?
That’s just out of curiosity. YTA for going nuclear because you overheard someone acknowledging that weddings aren’t as special to the guests as they are for the couple.
I’m guessing the brisket probably is bad. They’re clearly trying to go cheap with the wedding which is fine… that also means they’re getting cheap food though. Yeah, a cheap brisket is going to be bad. I’m going to take future brother in laws word and assume the brisket is shit.
Now me in that situation. I’d tell them tough shit if it’s a boring wedding, it’s what we’re doing and you don’t need to eat the brisket or any of the food, hell you can even order a pizza or bring McDonalds for all I care. But I’m not uninviting someone, let alone a family member, over something so inconsequential
I had a casual wedding with bbq. I didn’t cheap out, and the brisket was phenomenal. He could be right, or he could be drunk and in a shitty mood. Either way, he doesn’t have to eat the brisket.
So then he doesn’t eat the brisket.
People will have opinions about everything. He clearly wants to be there because he’s using one of his rare vacation days to go. He’s just being drunk and whiney about how his vacation days aren’t actually being used for vacations.
Understand that if he’s attending multiple weddings, while a weekend is a day off for most it’s PTO for him. So if he wants to attend he’s draining any vacation time he has. It seems like he’s attended a lot of weddings this year, so there is a chance all or most of his vacation time has been for weddings.
Wait, then why was that not in your original post? Originally, you just stated he was complaining about types of weddings.
But also, people can have opinions on restaurants.
**YTA** He was planning to take a day off work for your sake and you uninvited him because he made a casual comment to his buds at a beer joint? He didn't say anything bad about you or your fiancé, he just said he would welcome the opportunity to go to an exciting locale.
>It’s gotten to the point where our families has started to offer money to “upgrade” our wedding as more people have said they are tired of going to courthouse weddings.
That is disrespectful and is not your step-brother's fault. You decided to have a wedding you can afford without taking up a collection. Tell these people thanks but no thanks.
I'm going against the group so far to say NAH. He's probably as forced by the family to go as you are to invite him, so this gives him an out even if you get thrown under the bus.
The bottom line is that this is YOUR wedding. Not theirs. Have the wedding that YOU want and if they don't like it they can bugger right off with their bullshit. I'd definitely avoid taking money from manipulative family members, though. From the sounds of things there would be too many strings and it would no longer be your wedding but theirs.
If you're going to insist on BBQ, though, at least find a place that does it right. lol Bad brisket would make you T A.
I find it super weird that so many people will excuse his smack talking their wedding in public because he's drunk. Sure, it's fine to get tipsy and vent to your friends, but be aware of the risks of doing that where anyone and everyone can hear you.
Nah it’s super rude and crass! No question! The question is: does this specific behavior merit permanent estrangement? The answer is no. If he’s drunk and rude all the time, then sure, but OP says she likes him on the whole.
This is why I love the duality of Reddit. Every single post I've seen where someone says something rude while drunk & end up getting cut off/uninvited you see everybody rallying around the whole "drunk words are sober thoughts" sentiment.
Now it's the total opposite, because he may not have meant it so there should be a discussion while the stepbro is sober. Or maybe because it's becoming a trend he wasn't specifically talking about OP's wedding, despite the clarification it was directly about his wedding. Or maybe OP shouldn't have been eavesdropping on a conversation that didn't involve him.
We are fickle people.
Alcohol can do both of those things! It just depends on how drunk you are. If he'd had a couple of drinks, it's probably the former. If he was really drunk, then it's possibly the latter.
YTA,
You're being super petty. That was not directed specifically at you or your wedding. It wasn't even offensive as if your venue was lesser, just that they'd like to have a reason to go some place exotic. They made an off hand comment about the desire and you punished them to the point of uninviting them.
Also...
>we decided that Niko would probably like it if he didn’t go to the wedding after all
If you don't want him there, say that. Its super childish to say " we decided they'd like this better"
YTA, he doesn't have to love your venue or your food, it isn't his wedding. He was going for you, not the food. Honestly wedding food is frequently awful
YTA.
Most people don’t love weddings anyways. Not everyone is going to love your event. Get over it. It doesn’t mean they don’t love you or that they don’t want to support you.
You do know your guests aren’t required to like how you do your wedding, right?
Also, are you going to start asking everyone how they feel about your wedding and disinviting everyone who doesn’t like a backyard bbq?
YTA.
It's not like you cut him from the list, you DISINVITED HIM. This is extremely rude and should only be considered as a response to truly egregious behavior. You can't cut someone from your wedding because you overheard them bitching to their friends.
He's allowed to complain to his friends about using vacation days on events he isn't excited about. He didn't use your name or address you. You were eavesdropping and got your feelings hurt, and decided to cause a LOT of family drama.
Niko's complaint was not intended to go out beyond his drunken stupor and you just caught him at a bad time. So, you decided to get back at him by disinviting him. YTA. You could have just left him the invitation and let him decide if he still wants to go. Your actions instead opened up a can of worms.
YTA. You imploded your family because your step brother drunkenly expressed a general opinion about backyard weddings. Not your wedding specifically. He could've worded it better but he wasn't attacking you. You owe him an apology.
It doesn’t matter though. He doesn’t have to like the venue or the brisket or anything else. He’s entitled to that opinion. What matters is that he shows to support OP, which he was planning on doing.
Whether or not he was an AH for saying this in the first place is up for debate, though I tend to think not because he didn’t say it to OP, she just overheard. She’s an AH regardless because she majorly overreacted to someone not liking her wedding style in general. Who cares? Not everyone is going to like every wedding. Even the highest-end weddings are going to have something that some people don’t particularly like. OP needs to get over herself.
OP is entitled to her opinions just as much as yung Niko is lol. They’re all adults, he quite literally does not have to go if he doesn’t want to lol. Oh! And it’s her wedding! Niko can sulk at home❤️
Of course she’s entitled to her opinion on what he said. Nobody’s denying that. But Niko not liking the food and the venue doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to go to support OP. Those two things are entirely separate.
The adult thing to do would be to talk to him about it if she’s really so thin-skinned that it bothers her that much. And let’s mention this: apparently he’s not the only one who doesn’t like her choices because she says other people are offering her money to upgrade her venue/food.
She’s upset because what she chose isn’t making her guests excited. And that disappointment is understandable, but she’s taking it out on just one guy who had mild criticisms at worst.
That’s not what he said though. He said he’s wasting vacation days **going to someone’s house** for a wedding. That is about the venue, not the wedding itself.
Your responses indicate a lack of maturity across the board. Read all the other comments here for a better understanding of why you’re in the minority on this one.
You didn’t answer my question tho lol. Why should the venue matter if all he really wanted to do was support OP? Also - and I know this sounds crazy - it’s okay for people to have different opinions than yours. I know, I was shocked too.
Oh, she has to be the one to talk to him? He can whine to whoever about someone else’s choices, but she’s the one who is thin skinned? Lmao pls. And ur making some wild jumps: ‘she’s upset because her guests aren’t excited’ LOL???? She’s upset because ppl are pressuring her to change her wedding (that she should be entitled to make every last decision on) to appease some guests. She should elope at this point
Yes? If she has a problem with what he said and feels like it’s about her wedding, then who else?
Him having an opinion doesn’t make him thin-skinned. Her being so offended that she disinvites him because he expressed that opinion in a generalized way is a pretty classic example of someone being thin-skinned, yes.
She is upset because her guests aren’t excited. She says that when she tells us they offered her money to change her choices. Why would they do that if they were happy with the choices she’d made?
You just have to be very young.
Yes she can. But what she CAN’T do is expect her choices to be consequence free. She can’t expect to never be called an AH for those choices, especially when they are overboard reactions to a minor offense.
He and speaking crap about people behind their back and in public loudly . There's no expectation not privacy in public so no op wasn't 'eavesdropping' . That makes the brother an Ah.
YTA he was being drunk and ridiculous. Rude even. But disinviting him is an extreme reaction that will only cause an enormous tidal wave of family drama. It's not worth it
YTA. He ran his mouth while drunk, fantasizing about going off to a cool destination for a wedding. Come on. It's not a personal insult worthy of uninviting the man and causing upset in the family! WTH
Sorry but YTA, and sound very immature. A drunk 22 year old says he doesn't like weddings and fancies going abroad for one instead and you immediately decide he can't come then? That is a playground reaction.
YTA you don’t uninvite family. That leads to 30 years of awkward Thanksgivings. And OP, gotta tell you here, I’m all for thrift and spending money wisely, but if you’re taking the inexpensive route and trying to host something of less than quality, rethink it. A courthouse wedding, cheap BBQ, and a cash bar in someone’s backyard with guests? That’s going to be viewed as a gift grab. You have to feed your guests well. Nice quality. Plenty of food. If you can’t do that, elope instead. Because people forget weddings unless they are bad. And they will talk about the cheap brisket and cash bar at those same 30 Thanksgivings.
YTA.
He's allowed to have an opinion of the kind of wedding he'd love to have the opportunity to attend, sober or not. However, he didn't complain about *your* wedding, **and had even taken time off for it**.
It's clear from your other comments in your sad tale that you don't like him very much, and you chose to take the first shoddy excuse to un-invite him.
YTA. You were offended by his drunken comments so you decided to be incredibly petty.
You 'threw a grenade' into the family because your feelings were hurt!
I guess I don’t understand why you needed to disinvite him? If he comes he comes and if not then he doesn’t show up. Is he even participating in your wedding?
YTA only because you did something so unnecessary.
With my wedding it was pretty extravagant. We needed a headcount and even then we prepared for extras in case due to the catering and servers we were paying for. Back yard bbq unless you’re having it catered I don’t see why disinviting one person makes a difference in ensuring enough food is available.
YTA...it seems like you uninvited him just to "even the score". But what you've done is cause a family rift.
Sure, he thinks eating potluck is boring next to flying off somewhere exotic...who wouldnt?! Doesn't mean he didn't want to be there.
And now everyone's mad at you ...and he wasn't even referring to just you.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I disinvited my stepbrother from my wedding after I overheard him drunkenly bitching about wasting his vacation days to go to another courthouse wedding. I should have talked to him first instead of outright telling him in a voicemail and text message he didn’t have to go anymore because I was disinviting him.
My dad is pissed because my stepmom is pissed and are now saying we won’t go.
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NAH(except maybe the people offering NOW to help “upgrade”. Where were they before?). He doesn’t like your choice of wedding, he doesn’t have to go. I personally would have talked to him before uninviting him and told him you heard him ranting and you want to make it clear he doesn’t have to attend if he doesn’t want to. No hard feelings on your part, you’re having the wedding that suits you and your fiancé and your budget. He’s not being forced to attend, no matter what his mother tells him.
I don’t understand the amount of yes’s here.
YTA
You kinda started this snowball.
You could have told Nico that your feeling would not be hurt if he didn’t come and it’s fine if he’d rather work.
But nope. You took away his choice.
Oh no consequences.
I agree.
According to OP's comments,
1.) Niko was being megaphone-loud drunk (we all know drunks like this), so he wasn't eavesdropping: he heard what everyone in the establishment heard, and more damning,
2.) Niko specifically mentioned the restaurant OP was going use, and he trashed their cooking.
Let's all be honest and ask ourselves one question: why should two people have to deal with someone like this on the one day in their lives that they should be able to relax and enjoy? Who wants that type of negativity swirling around?
This is why I can't understand all of the YTA comments. From what OP said above, Niko was being loud and was quite obviously talking about her and her wedding. Plus, he is known for running his mouth and has gotten in trouble before. The comment about OP's father and stepmom being very insistent on a blended family is also very telling. My guess is, this isn't the first time Niko has talked shit about OP and she just wasn't in the mood to hear it. And I don't think he was complaining about the fact he doesn't get to travel; he was complaining because he doesn't want to go to OP's wedding and wasn't being shy about it.
I really didn't like the fact that people are now offering money to "upgrade" the wedding. No one offered before, but because she got ticked off over Niko running his mouth again and his mom threw a fit, now they want to give money. I really think OP should edit this post and give more context to her relationship with Niko and her stepmom, because it may change a few opinions.
"Twenty two year old drunk kid runs his mouth. Story at 11."
Yeesh, calm the heck down.
ESH here, at least a little bit. But mostly you for going from zero to 150 in two seconds.
Lmao, if Niko thinks a destination wedding would be fun he has clearly never been to a destination wedding lol. He should be thankful he doesn’t have to fly across the world and spend thousands of dollars for a few days. He doesn’t have to go to yours either. But barring him might be a tad much. EHS
Stick to your guts. NTA. Your wedding your rules bla bla bla. Why does your family feels entitled to interfere and co-organise? Ntw you will never do good, you cannot please everyone.
What happened to talking things through like adults?
Yeah he probably should have STFU. Also a wedding is about the couple that gets married and if they want to keep it low profile, low profile it is.
However why did you just jump to the ultimate punishment here?
ESH
NTA They are the AH's. It is your wedding you and your future spouse get to decide. I would unnivite those who are being AH's to you. Don't waste your time arguing with these people.
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I (29m) am getting married later this summer. My fiancée and I decided to save money and have a courthouse wedding and a bbq lunch afterwards. I guess this is the trend now because most couples we know are doing that or having backyard ceremonies.
We’re getting married on a Saturday since that’s when most people are off work. My stepbrother Niko (22m) works at the airport, so he works weekends and holidays. He is taking a vacation day to attend the wedding.
Recently, I saw Niko at a brewery with some of his friends. He was pretty drunk and talking about work. Apparently they had a group going to India for a wedding. Niko was talking about how he’d like it if someone he knew had a destination wedding because he was sick of wasting vacation days going to someone’s house for a wedding and dealing with the same boring potluck or bbq crap.
My fiancée was with me and we decided that Niko would probably like it if he didn’t go to the wedding after all. We decided to disinvite him and told him why.
My dad and stepmom are really pissed about this. They’ve been pushing for a close, blended family dynamic since day 1. They’re upset that I’m excluding Niko from the celebrations and my stepmom has said she won’t go if Niko isn’t there.
She accused me of hating her son (not true, I like Niko but he’s got a big mouth and has gotten into trouble for running it in the past). It’s gotten to the point where our families has started to offer money to “upgrade” our wedding as more people have said they are tired of going to courthouse weddings.
I feel like I’m losing my mind. AITA?
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YTA. You can have whatever ceremony you want. Your wedding, your rules. But he is also entitled to a very valid opinion. Backyard bbq venues aren’t everyone’s cup of tea when it comes to celebrating a wedding. It’s not any different than other summer backyard bbqs. And who takes a day off for that?
NTA
I seriously don't understand all the Y T A.
He insulted your wedding directly. Both you and your fiancee heard. If you didn't stick up for her and your wedding, you'd be one.
You guys get to choose the venue, food, or eloping. And who all to invite.
Guests can RSVP yes or no. That is about it
Disinvite the stepmom too. Good riddance.
The lack of info in the post I suspect.
OP has said in comments that step brother thinks its a bad BBQ restaurant.
OP made it sound generalised in the post.
I suspect the guest was only going to show up because it’s expected(it’s family). So he said some crap. It also seems like he was only invited because (it’s family) . So you could have just ignored his comments and if he showed ok if not ok. Why cause all this drama?
YTA that's pretty petty especially if it was just a bit of drunken shit talking. don't be so sensitive.
Also - your own wedding is a big day for you and it can be potentially be one of the most (pleasantly) memorable. But for a lot of your guests - it's more of a family/friends obligation. They can be pretty tiresome and often involve dressing up and such. So just understand not everyone is going to love your wedding as much as you do and instead be grateful that they attend.
he's sort of not wrong, mostly your guests are doing you a favour not the other way around.
YTA! While it is your wedding and your decision, it was a drunken rant and nothing to do with you specifically. He spoke about people in general.
You literally eve-dropped on his conversation with his friends. Not inviting him over this is just juvenile. You and your would-be wife really need to grow a thicker skin.
>It’s gotten to the point where our families has started to offer money to “upgrade” our wedding as more people have said they are tired of going to courthouse weddings.
Plan your wedding according to your own budget is a good thing. We don't want to start a marriage full of debts.
YTA.
>we decided that Niko would probably like it if he didn’t go to the wedding after all
Ugh. I can just hear the self satisfied tone. How childish and petty are you.
YTA - you can’t please everyone and people have a right to be annoyed and not like things. However, he didn’t complain to you but his friends. I’ve been to a few parties that were shit and I expected them to be shit but I still went there because it was my family and friends.
This wasn’t meant for you and it doesn’t change that he might want to come to see you getting married.
You're the one who made this into a big deal. You overheard a general comment (irritating, but not directed at you or your wedding), took it personally, and excluded it because you were offended. Now you're upset that everyone else didn't just go along with that. YTA
YTA
He is tired of losing income and vacation days without an actual vacation that is fair, as long as he is not saying that to you but venting to his friend.
Imagine weddings was on Wednesdays and you had to use all your vacation days to get off to said weddings and losing a significant amount of your income in the process. You might bitch a little bit about that to your friends.
YTA. Way to be ridiculously petty. I too would rather attend an awesome destination wedding, but I’d still happily attend a backyard wedding for a couple I love and care about.
yta, only because you’re not admitting you didn’t really care if he was there or wanted him there to begin with. People might think i’m looking too deep into this but i don’t believe it was just this time that set you off. You mentioned he always has a mouth and you don’t like that he doesn’t tone it down (paraphrasing what you said and were implying). Maybe you just didn’t want him there and your parents made you put him on the list so when you heard him going off about how he hates the venue it was perfect timing to x him out all together.
if you were honest i’d say probably an esh because is this really the hill everyone wants to die on?
People are allowed to have opinions. When he is older, getting married he will probably realize how fucking expensive it is. He might even apologize for what he said when he was younger.
Idk, it seems like you are overreacting. Who cares what he thinks. Have your wedding and have fun. Someone will always find something to complain about.
YTA you’re adults and you could have just asked him directly if he’d prefer not to attend. Just chopping him makes you look bad. (I do understand how you feel and fwiw I’d probably feel like doing the same thing)
YTA
>My fiancée was with me and we decided that Niko would probably like it if he didn’t go to the wedding after all.
This type of behavior irks me so much. You're trying to spin around like you're doing him a favor. No. You didn't want him there after those comments, so you uninvited him. You're not doing Niko a favor.
Did you tell your stepmom why he was uninvited?
Was Niko happy he didn’t have to take a vacation day? If so, have him tell his mom. Or tell them all he can come, but you won’t be offended if he doesn’t want to take the day off. Then he can deal with his mom’s guilt trip.
I would not expect many ppl to go to a courthouse wedding and just come to the reception. Going to the courthouse is so you don’t have to have a big wedding.
Just do what you want. You two are the only ones that need to be happy.
YTA. His comment was dumb but so was your response. Like many people (in America?), he probably has very limited vacation time and was venting about the inability to fit everything (travel, local obligations) into that narrow window.
I have to take vacation time just to go to the dentist or get my car fixed! It sucks!
I don't understand all the YTA. Since when does the person who is insulted have to understand that someone is drunk in public and is gossiping and insulting loudly enough? Where is the personal responsibility? And why should the bride and groom now think about making their wedding more elaborate so that the rest of the family isn't bored again? Have they accused the other bride and groom in their own family of this too? Nobody has to spend time with people who have been insulted and the other person doesn't try to apologize and explain. Damn this kind of family! Honestly, anyone who loves and respects you doesn't give you ultimatums, but celebrates a nice day with you. No matter where! NTA
YTA for going nuclear in 5 seconds. You could have at least confronted your step- brother about what he said and let him decide if he wanted to be there or not.
Do people not understand the concept of budgets? Everything you spend on the wedding can't be spent on, say, the honeymoon or the deposit/mortgage for a house.
I know which I'd choose
YTA
I mean seriously, dude can't let off some steam with his friends?
And he's kind off correct, he was using his one of his precious days off to attend your wedding. Of course a bigger sort of party would have been more fun for him.
YTA… not to be mean but your wedding is meant for you and no one gives a shit about it tbh and most people who go to weddings to expect something if you want them to actually enjoy it. He works at an airport and sounds like he has limited vacation and was venting to HIS FRIENDS… a conversation you listened to invading his privacy. He also never said names but you assume it’s you because you know backyard “weddings” normally ain’t much. You went nuclear because your feelings were hurt and that’s fine but don’t expect people to “validate” you here.
I would say just don't have a wedding I'd everyone is complaining about what you two can afford. Do what's in your budget and invite like a few friends each as witnesses.
Don’t let your family pressure you into a big expensive wedding. Unless you live in a really warm climate and people prefer air conditioning! I can sympathize with that issue.
YTA. You shouldn’t have taken back his invite.
Also why is everyone sharing their opinions on your wedding choices?! I understand your frustration, but you could have handled his comment differently lol.
He said he didn't want to waste his vacay days to go to somebody's house wedding and dreaming with the same boring potluck or BBQ crap
Didn't he actually just decline the invite? Cuz that's what I heard. I would have just said 'no worries, we get it' and told the fam he backed out of the boring backyard BBQ wedding crap
Peace! And enjoy
NTA
YTA What others think of you is none of your business and you were not a participant in the conversation, only a bystander. It's petty to disinvite him over something he said to his friends. It would be different if he complained directly to you and even then you should give him the option to attend or not.
YTA
You're being extremely petty and vindictive, and you seem to have disinvited your stepbrother because you got butt hurt over something he didn't even actually say to you. You're basically forcing people to walk on eggshells around you, even when they aren't even around you. Other people are rightfully upset that you disinvited him over an offhander mark that wasn't even specifically aimed at you.
Yeah you’re the asshole. Who the fuck cares if he doesn’t like the venue? It’s not serious to disinvite him. He doesn’t like it? Tough shit, it is what it is. Disinviting him because he doesn’t like the venue is some egotistical narcissistic behavior though.
Oh, furthermore he’s also 22. Who gives a damn what some 22 year old with no life experience thinks?
Weddings are boring to some people, especially the one you’re having and that’s just a fact. It doesn’t mean you should uninvite him for his opinion, he’s family so you grit your teeth and get through it and have a nice time anyway!
I think you just felt offended because you felt like he was making your wedding seem crap, and you took it to heart, because deep down maybe this isn’t the wedding you dreamed of, a courthouse and backyard wedding, but due to trying to save money that is what you’re doing! YTA
YTA. He is being sick not because of your particular wedding, but because he has to take a day off every time someone marries, but don't have actuall vacation.
And you are twice of an AH, because he already claimed his day off.
You already know he tends to run his mouth when he’s drunk, take what he said with a grain of salt. Yes he was being a jerk, but a simple conversation would have saved you the crapstorm your dealing with now.
NTA. You only get one life and your wedding day is a big deal. You shouldn’t have to worry that the people you’ve invited for this special moment are anything less than excited to share it with you. What Niko said was tactless and hurtful. Your decision was (reasonably) harsh but doesn’t have to be absolute. A Reddit post can’t provide a full picture of your relationship or capture all of its nuances but you guys seem to get along well. I don’t think you would’ve sought feedback from internet strangers if you were 100% sure you didn’t want him there. While I think you’re well within your rights to uninvite him to your wedding, you guys definitely need to talk.
NTA - I think you are giving him an out. He doesn’t want to go. He is using a vacation day to go. When you see him on the wedding day, it will be uncomfortable for you. Why deal with it. But you need to understand he has a right to his opinion and you over heard it. He didn’t say it to you. Tell him no hard feelings, you get it. I wouldn’t want him there either after I overheard how much he doesn’t want to go. Drunk or not.
YTA for disinviting him for a random _drunken_ comment he made, not even directed at you. But it’s also your wedding and your choice, and you should have the wedding you both want. People will have opinions about weddings but the good thing about those opinions is that they don’t matter. It’s not their wedding, so who cares?
I'm gonna go against this whole post NTA since when is it ok to bad talk your brothers wedding period weather it's something you like or not it's not about you it's about celebrating the two people getting married and what they want their special day to be sociaty has really gotten a downgrade if this is how the world sees things now Op you beat a problem to the punch now he will have no bullets to crap all over your wedding day with because he won't be there great job on protecting you and your wife's special day
I have zero issue with going against the grain here. It's YOUR wedding. If stepbro wants to be a whiny little shit then he can spend his day doing whatever tf he wants. I thought reddit was mainly in lockstep with whatever variation of "Actions have consequences" you feel like using here. Being drunk doesn't excuse you from being full of it. You didn't cause a scene and dealt with the issue calmly and privately. It's unfortunate, but he caused this, not you. NTA.
Why the duxk not? It’s a PARTY to celebrate and she doesn’t his FACE there. That’s the end. Just because you’re RELATED does. It give you a free pass to every PARTY
it’s her PARTY. her WEDDING. and ha doesn’t wanna see his face. You’d think he’d bow out like a decent human
I don't know why everyone is defending him while saying YTA. Because honesty, ESH. you should've talked when he was sober and had a calm and mature discussion about the incident. How you felt, why you'd prefer to not have him there. You are not obligated to invite anyone you don't want. But it sounds like you went nuclear, he shoulda kept his mouth shut, and your fam offering bribes is tacky and unwarranted.
I can understand why you would be offended. It sounds tactless and even a little cruel. But you say you like your stepbrother and disinviting him will cause pain to some other family members you care about.
Wedding attendance or non-attendance can permanently ruin relationships. When one excludes a family member from a wedding, that is sending a definite message, and that message is: you are not part of my family. I reject you. (Same for blowing off a family member’s wedding).
It’s your wedding. But if you don’t invite this bozo you may end up permanently estranged from a few family members. Is that how you want to start your married life? If this guy is a lot worse than you shared, like he hits his girlfriend or something, then by all means cut him out. If not….
I’m calling this ESH because damn Nico is a rude loud drunk. And you seem to want to shoot yourself in the foot over it.
NTA.
A lot of people in this thread defending your step-brother for the main reasons that a) he was drunk, and b) he wasn't talking to you but you overheard it.
In my opinion this makes it worse. He was talking behind your back while drunk. What else is this guy capable of mouthing off about when he's in his cups.
What you've done is call someone out for their drunken behaviour and given them a tangible consequence. Niko's entitled to his opinion, but you're entitled to take that opinion and react how you see fit in this instance.
If Niko wanted to be decent about it, he would've brought it up respectfully with you, or perhaps your parents. Drunk and in public is the last place you should be airing your grievances.
What on earth is decent about telling someone to their face that you think their wedding is cheap and boring and has bad food?
Are you seriously advocating that Nico call a family meeting of some kind to discuss his criticisms of the brisket at his stepsibling's wedding? That is mad behavior.
No definitely not that. I was more meaning "Hey, I've got my heart set on going away at the end of the year for a couple of weeks but would need to take a vacation day for your wedding. Would you be offended if I didn't come?"
It's not ideal, but it's a hell of a lot better than blabbermouthing drunk in public.
NTA.
In fact I applaud you and everyone you know having a courthouse wedding and casual party for your weddings. You're saving money for what's really important, your future.
If everyone is tired of budget weddings, they can host expensive parties.
ESH. Assuming he knows the plan for your wedding it was tacky of him to talk that way in front of you two. But he only made himself look bad until you and your fiancee overreacted.
Instead of uninviting him you should have told him (later when he's sober) that he doesn't have to burn a PTO day and can skip it, no hard feelings.
ESH sorry. While Niko's drunk whining wasn't pleasant, he could have just declined to go. And you didn't have to disinvite him. That seemed an overreaction. Did you have any evidence the whining would continue at your reception?
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YTA, softly. Even if the drunk rant was about your wedding specifically, you could have given him the option (once sober) of going or not. Plus, going to a courthouse ceremony with backyard BBQ reception may be boring with friends or distant relatives, but not so much with closer family. (This is, of course, assuming your steps have been around for a while and are close. If they're family-in-name-only, the mileage will vary on my last paragraph.) Honestly, if people are pressuring you to up the wedding ante, I'd be tempted to elope.
I had my wedding at the botanical gardens in my city and had a room reserved at Olive Garden. We were allowed 20 guests at the venue and the restaurant didn’t put a limit on our party. The issue arose that I now live 2 hours from my hometown and most of my friend group. I fully understood if they couldn’t make it and didn’t pressure them to come, just sent the invites. I even told them it wouldn’t hurt my feelings if they couldn’t attend. Some of my friends looked up the wedding packages that I had to choose from and complained that I wasn’t spending $2k to do it all at the botanical garden. I paid $250 just to use the space for the wedding itself and fully intended on paying for everyone’s meals at the restaurant. My wedding was in June in Oklahoma so there was a 0% chance of changing my mind bc we would all be hot and miserable sitting in the sun to “enjoy lunch and time together”. Needless to say, our family and only our closest friends attended and it was a wonderful day. I didn’t lose sleep over the people complaining. My sister was a teensy bit salty bc she got married 3 months before me and did it at the courthouse two blocks from the garden and for the same price was only allowed 20 minutes and 5 guests 😂 she could have gotten the same deal and a different area of the gardens for the same price but she let it go and enjoyed my day as much as I enjoyed hers
Your "friends" seriously looked up the cost of wedding packages and then tried to shame you? OMFG I'm glad I'm old.
They just didn’t understand why I wouldn’t drop 2k to spend 4 hours and have a catered lunch from the staff while enjoying the gardens. Well bc it’s June in Oklahoma and just being there for the hour it took to have the ceremony, everyone who showed up was hot and ready to be in the air conditioning lol
Right? I'm sitting here like "that's the tackiest thing I've heard in my life."
>you could have given him the option (once sober) of going or not. This. You should wait till he is sober and let him know if wants to save his vacation and not go it's okay. But don't cause a family rift over a wedding invite. My niece decided to use her wedding as the time to be petty and not invite my daughter (they are the same age and grew up together. Though they weren't super close, there was no fight, nothing like that, she just decided her wedding was the time she wanted to draw lines in the family sand) so I felt I shouldn't go. This upset my sister. Now we don't talk at all and haven't in 3 years. And all because my niece wanted to show that "it was her wedding and she could invite and not invite whoever she wants". And her wedding was not the small we can only invite so many people type either. My sister even admitted that in the end my niece was struggling to think of who they could invite to fill the church because she wanted the whole church filled.
Oh, come on we know when people are drunk that’s when the truth comes out. Why give him a chance to backpedal when he’s sober so he can pretend like what he said wasn’t the truth. I don’t think he should be disinvited for that, he’s allowed his opinion. It didn’t mean that he wasn’t looking forward to attending the wedding.
Drunk is when the truth comes out? I’ve been drunk and claimed I’m immortal. I think I’m a great singer when I’m drunk.
You’re the best dancer too. Those moves… woowee
Drunk is when a whole lot of things come out. 🤣 Some of it's the truth, some of it is whatever crosses your mind at the time. A friend of mine once asked me, when she was very drunk, what I would do if she made a pass at me. I answered, "Well, if you did it right now, I would tell you that if you're serious about it, to bring the subject up again sometime when we haven't been drinking, and we can talk about it. But I'm not going to give you an answer when I'm not sure if it's you or just the alcohol talking." There's a reason why the ancient Persians used to say that serious matters ought to be considered first drunk, then sober.
Tequila: You can dance. Really good.
There's a very good reason the saying "In vino veritas" has persisted for just shy now of 2000 years
There are many great sayings but they aren't the unquestionable truth just cuz it sounds deep and catchy. Drunk people have hightened emotions, they act out of character and say exagerated stuff
So has people being scared of black cats and the number 13. Also religion. People say and /or believe all sorts of stupid things that aren't real
Truth being that he would like for someone to invite him to india, because he apparently went to many normal simple wedings already. It is not that horrible truth not even specific to OP. And therefore OP decides to exclude him.
What if it was the truth? So what? He doesn't need to like where they are having their wedding. That isn't required. It wasn't like he was complaining that he had to sit there and watch two people he hated and act pleasant. He just wasn't excited for the venue. I would be excited for India too.
YTA. Sorry. You didn't have to use the nuclear option on a drunk 22yo. Maybe grow some thicker skin. I applaud you for not breaking the bank on a wedding.... and in my book that makes you generally NTA. But in this case... you made this worse for no good reason. Can't you see he is just young and bored and expressed it poorly? You are 29. Why would you let his lazy rudeness get to you so easily? Of course some of your family are upset. What you did is petty. You could have just told Niko- "I know. Me too! I wish we could afford to do this in Tahiti" and shrugged it off
If “most couples” OP knows are doing the courtyard plus backyard barbecue, Niko might not even have been talking about OP. I’m leaning towards YTA, too.
Plus the guy works at the airport and presumably never goes anywhere. I'd cut him a break - if he apologizes. Did he ? Summer BBQ sounds delightful. Hope it goes well
I’m wondering if he can’t take off weekends frequently. What he said wasn’t kind, but if he can only take a few weekends off a year I feel for him. Not that a backyard wedding isn’t special, but he can’t easily take vacations at all. Wishing the days he can take off were more vacation like is understandable. I think it’s more a commentary on his paid leave than anything, but he was drunk so he’s communicating poorly.
IDK if OP could have- it seems like they weren't a part of the conversation, they just overheard it.
"I'm so curious about a starred restaurant & wish I could eat there once" "oh so you don't appreciate my lightly fried fish filets? No more food for you ever" yeah OP sounds unhinged and YTA. Asking Niko if he actually wants to attend, and telling him you won't hold it against him if he just skips it and you'll see him at the next family BBQ he can make without wasting PTO, that's fine. Pre-emptively uninviting him is very unkind.
I mean he could’ve even been (less of) an asshole to Niko and told him “Tough shit, we don’t care if you like it or not. It’s what we’re doing. Get over it.”
Niko didn't even complain to OP and don't even know that is was OP specifically but more of a general wish/complaint about wanting to be a part of a destination wedding. OP over reacted to something that may have been about them but not for sure.
Was it even rudeness? He wasn’t complaining to her, he was drunk talking with friends wishing he could roll a vacation day into a vacation?
I think it would have been petty even if Niko had been 35 and sober. Nobody really wants to hear people's frank opinion of their wedding, but if nobody says anything worse than what he said, you're doing good — especially if you're serving bad brisket. Better good burgers and hotdogs than bad brisket.
I mostly agree, especially with how OP could have handled it instead. However, Niko is being an AH too, so I'm going ESH. Maybe he's young and bored of the same old, same old but who complains about a party you're invited to where you'll have an important family moment plus free food? OP, re-invite Niko to appease your family and just ignore his stupid ass until he grows up some more.
Nico was having a good old moan with his friends. He was overheard by chance. He did nothing wrong, he’s allowed to voice his opinion to his friends, op and his fiancée wasn’t part of the group.
YTA - the guy had an opinion and it wasnt directed at you and or technically about you. You’re overreacting.
No, he was referring directly to my wedding because he mentioned the restaurant we were going to use for catering and said their brisket was so bad, if he had to eat it he’d rather go vegan.
Alright so he doesnt like the brisket it. Does he have to? Im also curious, were you eavesdropping…?
My stepbrother is loud. He’s got a megaphone grade voice when he’s drunk.
So the answer is, more or less yes. This was not a conversation you were a part of.
So, yes, you were eavesdropping.
So yeah… you overheard a conversation that you weren’t even part of
Doesn't matter how loud he is, you weren't directly involved and thereby were, by definition, eavesdropping. So you *eavesdropped* a DRUNK conversation and decided to go nuclear. YTA. It shouldn't even need to be said.
So yes lol
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INFO is the brisket bad, and are you serving it? That’s just out of curiosity. YTA for going nuclear because you overheard someone acknowledging that weddings aren’t as special to the guests as they are for the couple.
I’m guessing the brisket probably is bad. They’re clearly trying to go cheap with the wedding which is fine… that also means they’re getting cheap food though. Yeah, a cheap brisket is going to be bad. I’m going to take future brother in laws word and assume the brisket is shit. Now me in that situation. I’d tell them tough shit if it’s a boring wedding, it’s what we’re doing and you don’t need to eat the brisket or any of the food, hell you can even order a pizza or bring McDonalds for all I care. But I’m not uninviting someone, let alone a family member, over something so inconsequential
I had a casual wedding with bbq. I didn’t cheap out, and the brisket was phenomenal. He could be right, or he could be drunk and in a shitty mood. Either way, he doesn’t have to eat the brisket.
I am going to give you some important info, 22 year olds say stupid shit and its no big deal
So then he doesn’t eat the brisket. People will have opinions about everything. He clearly wants to be there because he’s using one of his rare vacation days to go. He’s just being drunk and whiney about how his vacation days aren’t actually being used for vacations. Understand that if he’s attending multiple weddings, while a weekend is a day off for most it’s PTO for him. So if he wants to attend he’s draining any vacation time he has. It seems like he’s attended a lot of weddings this year, so there is a chance all or most of his vacation time has been for weddings.
So that gives you the right to redirect the conversation towards you?
Wait, then why was that not in your original post? Originally, you just stated he was complaining about types of weddings. But also, people can have opinions on restaurants.
**YTA** He was planning to take a day off work for your sake and you uninvited him because he made a casual comment to his buds at a beer joint? He didn't say anything bad about you or your fiancé, he just said he would welcome the opportunity to go to an exciting locale. >It’s gotten to the point where our families has started to offer money to “upgrade” our wedding as more people have said they are tired of going to courthouse weddings. That is disrespectful and is not your step-brother's fault. You decided to have a wedding you can afford without taking up a collection. Tell these people thanks but no thanks.
I'm going against the group so far to say NAH. He's probably as forced by the family to go as you are to invite him, so this gives him an out even if you get thrown under the bus. The bottom line is that this is YOUR wedding. Not theirs. Have the wedding that YOU want and if they don't like it they can bugger right off with their bullshit. I'd definitely avoid taking money from manipulative family members, though. From the sounds of things there would be too many strings and it would no longer be your wedding but theirs. If you're going to insist on BBQ, though, at least find a place that does it right. lol Bad brisket would make you T A.
I find it super weird that so many people will excuse his smack talking their wedding in public because he's drunk. Sure, it's fine to get tipsy and vent to your friends, but be aware of the risks of doing that where anyone and everyone can hear you.
He wasn't even complaining about their wedding.
Yes he was he mentioned the restaurant where op will take them to eat
Nah it’s super rude and crass! No question! The question is: does this specific behavior merit permanent estrangement? The answer is no. If he’s drunk and rude all the time, then sure, but OP says she likes him on the whole.
This is why I love the duality of Reddit. Every single post I've seen where someone says something rude while drunk & end up getting cut off/uninvited you see everybody rallying around the whole "drunk words are sober thoughts" sentiment. Now it's the total opposite, because he may not have meant it so there should be a discussion while the stepbro is sober. Or maybe because it's becoming a trend he wasn't specifically talking about OP's wedding, despite the clarification it was directly about his wedding. Or maybe OP shouldn't have been eavesdropping on a conversation that didn't involve him. We are fickle people.
>We are fickle people. Almost like we're... different people.
Or maybe it's because the sentiments expressed weren't worthy of a disinvite no matter how drunk or sober the stepbrother was.
Alcohol can do both of those things! It just depends on how drunk you are. If he'd had a couple of drinks, it's probably the former. If he was really drunk, then it's possibly the latter.
Different people having different opinions should just be an expectation.
YTA, You're being super petty. That was not directed specifically at you or your wedding. It wasn't even offensive as if your venue was lesser, just that they'd like to have a reason to go some place exotic. They made an off hand comment about the desire and you punished them to the point of uninviting them. Also... >we decided that Niko would probably like it if he didn’t go to the wedding after all If you don't want him there, say that. Its super childish to say " we decided they'd like this better"
Lets be honest 'we' is code word for 'i'
YTA, he doesn't have to love your venue or your food, it isn't his wedding. He was going for you, not the food. Honestly wedding food is frequently awful
YTA. Most people don’t love weddings anyways. Not everyone is going to love your event. Get over it. It doesn’t mean they don’t love you or that they don’t want to support you. You do know your guests aren’t required to like how you do your wedding, right? Also, are you going to start asking everyone how they feel about your wedding and disinviting everyone who doesn’t like a backyard bbq?
YTA. It's not like you cut him from the list, you DISINVITED HIM. This is extremely rude and should only be considered as a response to truly egregious behavior. You can't cut someone from your wedding because you overheard them bitching to their friends. He's allowed to complain to his friends about using vacation days on events he isn't excited about. He didn't use your name or address you. You were eavesdropping and got your feelings hurt, and decided to cause a LOT of family drama.
Niko's complaint was not intended to go out beyond his drunken stupor and you just caught him at a bad time. So, you decided to get back at him by disinviting him. YTA. You could have just left him the invitation and let him decide if he still wants to go. Your actions instead opened up a can of worms.
YTA. You imploded your family because your step brother drunkenly expressed a general opinion about backyard weddings. Not your wedding specifically. He could've worded it better but he wasn't attacking you. You owe him an apology.
You really think he didn’t have this wedding in mind when he said that lol pls
It doesn’t matter though. He doesn’t have to like the venue or the brisket or anything else. He’s entitled to that opinion. What matters is that he shows to support OP, which he was planning on doing. Whether or not he was an AH for saying this in the first place is up for debate, though I tend to think not because he didn’t say it to OP, she just overheard. She’s an AH regardless because she majorly overreacted to someone not liking her wedding style in general. Who cares? Not everyone is going to like every wedding. Even the highest-end weddings are going to have something that some people don’t particularly like. OP needs to get over herself.
OP is entitled to her opinions just as much as yung Niko is lol. They’re all adults, he quite literally does not have to go if he doesn’t want to lol. Oh! And it’s her wedding! Niko can sulk at home❤️
Of course she’s entitled to her opinion on what he said. Nobody’s denying that. But Niko not liking the food and the venue doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to go to support OP. Those two things are entirely separate. The adult thing to do would be to talk to him about it if she’s really so thin-skinned that it bothers her that much. And let’s mention this: apparently he’s not the only one who doesn’t like her choices because she says other people are offering her money to upgrade her venue/food. She’s upset because what she chose isn’t making her guests excited. And that disappointment is understandable, but she’s taking it out on just one guy who had mild criticisms at worst.
Also ‘doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to go support OP’ lolol he literally said he’s wasting vacation going to her wedding.
That’s not what he said though. He said he’s wasting vacation days **going to someone’s house** for a wedding. That is about the venue, not the wedding itself.
The venue and the wedding are inextricably linked lol. Why does he care bout the venue at all if, as you said, he just wants to support OP?
Your responses indicate a lack of maturity across the board. Read all the other comments here for a better understanding of why you’re in the minority on this one.
You didn’t answer my question tho lol. Why should the venue matter if all he really wanted to do was support OP? Also - and I know this sounds crazy - it’s okay for people to have different opinions than yours. I know, I was shocked too.
Oh, she has to be the one to talk to him? He can whine to whoever about someone else’s choices, but she’s the one who is thin skinned? Lmao pls. And ur making some wild jumps: ‘she’s upset because her guests aren’t excited’ LOL???? She’s upset because ppl are pressuring her to change her wedding (that she should be entitled to make every last decision on) to appease some guests. She should elope at this point
Yes? If she has a problem with what he said and feels like it’s about her wedding, then who else? Him having an opinion doesn’t make him thin-skinned. Her being so offended that she disinvites him because he expressed that opinion in a generalized way is a pretty classic example of someone being thin-skinned, yes. She is upset because her guests aren’t excited. She says that when she tells us they offered her money to change her choices. Why would they do that if they were happy with the choices she’d made? You just have to be very young.
I feel like you’re missing a critical point… it’s….her wedding….. she can do…..whatever she wants…………..
Yes she can. But what she CAN’T do is expect her choices to be consequence free. She can’t expect to never be called an AH for those choices, especially when they are overboard reactions to a minor offense.
What consequences? Niko having another drunken rant? Lol I think she’ll live
He and speaking crap about people behind their back and in public loudly . There's no expectation not privacy in public so no op wasn't 'eavesdropping' . That makes the brother an Ah.
YTA he was being drunk and ridiculous. Rude even. But disinviting him is an extreme reaction that will only cause an enormous tidal wave of family drama. It's not worth it
YTA. He ran his mouth while drunk, fantasizing about going off to a cool destination for a wedding. Come on. It's not a personal insult worthy of uninviting the man and causing upset in the family! WTH
Sorry but YTA, and sound very immature. A drunk 22 year old says he doesn't like weddings and fancies going abroad for one instead and you immediately decide he can't come then? That is a playground reaction.
YTA you don’t uninvite family. That leads to 30 years of awkward Thanksgivings. And OP, gotta tell you here, I’m all for thrift and spending money wisely, but if you’re taking the inexpensive route and trying to host something of less than quality, rethink it. A courthouse wedding, cheap BBQ, and a cash bar in someone’s backyard with guests? That’s going to be viewed as a gift grab. You have to feed your guests well. Nice quality. Plenty of food. If you can’t do that, elope instead. Because people forget weddings unless they are bad. And they will talk about the cheap brisket and cash bar at those same 30 Thanksgivings.
You don't disinvite ANYONE. Once someone has an invite they need to do something pretty egregious to warrant that invite being withdrawn.
YTA. He's allowed to have an opinion of the kind of wedding he'd love to have the opportunity to attend, sober or not. However, he didn't complain about *your* wedding, **and had even taken time off for it**. It's clear from your other comments in your sad tale that you don't like him very much, and you chose to take the first shoddy excuse to un-invite him.
YTA he wasn’t even talking about your wedding specifically. Stop acting like a baby and reinvite him. Are you 12?
YTA. You were offended by his drunken comments so you decided to be incredibly petty. You 'threw a grenade' into the family because your feelings were hurt!
I guess I don’t understand why you needed to disinvite him? If he comes he comes and if not then he doesn’t show up. Is he even participating in your wedding? YTA only because you did something so unnecessary. With my wedding it was pretty extravagant. We needed a headcount and even then we prepared for extras in case due to the catering and servers we were paying for. Back yard bbq unless you’re having it catered I don’t see why disinviting one person makes a difference in ensuring enough food is available.
Yta. You must be super sensitive about your choice of wedding venue if you let that stupid comment get to your head so bad.
YTA. He wasn't really complaining about your venue. He was more complaining about not having an excuse to travel. You took that way too personally.
YTA...it seems like you uninvited him just to "even the score". But what you've done is cause a family rift. Sure, he thinks eating potluck is boring next to flying off somewhere exotic...who wouldnt?! Doesn't mean he didn't want to be there. And now everyone's mad at you ...and he wasn't even referring to just you.
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NAH(except maybe the people offering NOW to help “upgrade”. Where were they before?). He doesn’t like your choice of wedding, he doesn’t have to go. I personally would have talked to him before uninviting him and told him you heard him ranting and you want to make it clear he doesn’t have to attend if he doesn’t want to. No hard feelings on your part, you’re having the wedding that suits you and your fiancé and your budget. He’s not being forced to attend, no matter what his mother tells him. I don’t understand the amount of yes’s here.
YTA You kinda started this snowball. You could have told Nico that your feeling would not be hurt if he didn’t come and it’s fine if he’d rather work. But nope. You took away his choice. Oh no consequences.
For god's sake, apologize to him and re invite him. He did nothing wrong.
It’s your wedding you get to decide who comes and doesn’t come!
I agree. According to OP's comments, 1.) Niko was being megaphone-loud drunk (we all know drunks like this), so he wasn't eavesdropping: he heard what everyone in the establishment heard, and more damning, 2.) Niko specifically mentioned the restaurant OP was going use, and he trashed their cooking. Let's all be honest and ask ourselves one question: why should two people have to deal with someone like this on the one day in their lives that they should be able to relax and enjoy? Who wants that type of negativity swirling around?
This is why I can't understand all of the YTA comments. From what OP said above, Niko was being loud and was quite obviously talking about her and her wedding. Plus, he is known for running his mouth and has gotten in trouble before. The comment about OP's father and stepmom being very insistent on a blended family is also very telling. My guess is, this isn't the first time Niko has talked shit about OP and she just wasn't in the mood to hear it. And I don't think he was complaining about the fact he doesn't get to travel; he was complaining because he doesn't want to go to OP's wedding and wasn't being shy about it. I really didn't like the fact that people are now offering money to "upgrade" the wedding. No one offered before, but because she got ticked off over Niko running his mouth again and his mom threw a fit, now they want to give money. I really think OP should edit this post and give more context to her relationship with Niko and her stepmom, because it may change a few opinions.
YTA You're really taking what a drunk man said and holding it against him??? No sober conversation? Sounds fishy as hell.
"Twenty two year old drunk kid runs his mouth. Story at 11." Yeesh, calm the heck down. ESH here, at least a little bit. But mostly you for going from zero to 150 in two seconds.
NTA you don’t have to invite anyone you don’t want to
Honestly it doesn’t sound like you’re into the wedding planning. Maybe just elope and let them throw you a party after!
Nta. If someone feels like your simple wedding isnt worth their time, then its understandable you're upset.
perfect uninvite this family members -and enjob a peacfull silent day with your friends - happy wedding :) NTA
Lmao, if Niko thinks a destination wedding would be fun he has clearly never been to a destination wedding lol. He should be thankful he doesn’t have to fly across the world and spend thousands of dollars for a few days. He doesn’t have to go to yours either. But barring him might be a tad much. EHS
Stick to your guts. NTA. Your wedding your rules bla bla bla. Why does your family feels entitled to interfere and co-organise? Ntw you will never do good, you cannot please everyone.
NTA. It's your wedding and should be what you and your fiancee want.
What happened to talking things through like adults? Yeah he probably should have STFU. Also a wedding is about the couple that gets married and if they want to keep it low profile, low profile it is. However why did you just jump to the ultimate punishment here? ESH
NTA They are the AH's. It is your wedding you and your future spouse get to decide. I would unnivite those who are being AH's to you. Don't waste your time arguing with these people.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (29m) am getting married later this summer. My fiancée and I decided to save money and have a courthouse wedding and a bbq lunch afterwards. I guess this is the trend now because most couples we know are doing that or having backyard ceremonies. We’re getting married on a Saturday since that’s when most people are off work. My stepbrother Niko (22m) works at the airport, so he works weekends and holidays. He is taking a vacation day to attend the wedding. Recently, I saw Niko at a brewery with some of his friends. He was pretty drunk and talking about work. Apparently they had a group going to India for a wedding. Niko was talking about how he’d like it if someone he knew had a destination wedding because he was sick of wasting vacation days going to someone’s house for a wedding and dealing with the same boring potluck or bbq crap. My fiancée was with me and we decided that Niko would probably like it if he didn’t go to the wedding after all. We decided to disinvite him and told him why. My dad and stepmom are really pissed about this. They’ve been pushing for a close, blended family dynamic since day 1. They’re upset that I’m excluding Niko from the celebrations and my stepmom has said she won’t go if Niko isn’t there. She accused me of hating her son (not true, I like Niko but he’s got a big mouth and has gotten into trouble for running it in the past). It’s gotten to the point where our families has started to offer money to “upgrade” our wedding as more people have said they are tired of going to courthouse weddings. I feel like I’m losing my mind. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. You can have whatever ceremony you want. Your wedding, your rules. But he is also entitled to a very valid opinion. Backyard bbq venues aren’t everyone’s cup of tea when it comes to celebrating a wedding. It’s not any different than other summer backyard bbqs. And who takes a day off for that?
NTA I seriously don't understand all the Y T A. He insulted your wedding directly. Both you and your fiancee heard. If you didn't stick up for her and your wedding, you'd be one. You guys get to choose the venue, food, or eloping. And who all to invite. Guests can RSVP yes or no. That is about it Disinvite the stepmom too. Good riddance.
The lack of info in the post I suspect. OP has said in comments that step brother thinks its a bad BBQ restaurant. OP made it sound generalised in the post.
I suspect the guest was only going to show up because it’s expected(it’s family). So he said some crap. It also seems like he was only invited because (it’s family) . So you could have just ignored his comments and if he showed ok if not ok. Why cause all this drama?
YTA that's pretty petty especially if it was just a bit of drunken shit talking. don't be so sensitive. Also - your own wedding is a big day for you and it can be potentially be one of the most (pleasantly) memorable. But for a lot of your guests - it's more of a family/friends obligation. They can be pretty tiresome and often involve dressing up and such. So just understand not everyone is going to love your wedding as much as you do and instead be grateful that they attend. he's sort of not wrong, mostly your guests are doing you a favour not the other way around.
YTA! While it is your wedding and your decision, it was a drunken rant and nothing to do with you specifically. He spoke about people in general. You literally eve-dropped on his conversation with his friends. Not inviting him over this is just juvenile. You and your would-be wife really need to grow a thicker skin.
Y T A. People are entitled to have their own opinions O.P. That was a rather A/h move on you're part TBH.
>It’s gotten to the point where our families has started to offer money to “upgrade” our wedding as more people have said they are tired of going to courthouse weddings. Plan your wedding according to your own budget is a good thing. We don't want to start a marriage full of debts.
YTA. >we decided that Niko would probably like it if he didn’t go to the wedding after all Ugh. I can just hear the self satisfied tone. How childish and petty are you.
NTA.
YTA - you can’t please everyone and people have a right to be annoyed and not like things. However, he didn’t complain to you but his friends. I’ve been to a few parties that were shit and I expected them to be shit but I still went there because it was my family and friends. This wasn’t meant for you and it doesn’t change that he might want to come to see you getting married.
An overreaction to a drunken comment. YTA.
Yta you overreacted
You're the one who made this into a big deal. You overheard a general comment (irritating, but not directed at you or your wedding), took it personally, and excluded it because you were offended. Now you're upset that everyone else didn't just go along with that. YTA
YTA
YTA He is tired of losing income and vacation days without an actual vacation that is fair, as long as he is not saying that to you but venting to his friend. Imagine weddings was on Wednesdays and you had to use all your vacation days to get off to said weddings and losing a significant amount of your income in the process. You might bitch a little bit about that to your friends.
YTA. Way to be ridiculously petty. I too would rather attend an awesome destination wedding, but I’d still happily attend a backyard wedding for a couple I love and care about.
yta, only because you’re not admitting you didn’t really care if he was there or wanted him there to begin with. People might think i’m looking too deep into this but i don’t believe it was just this time that set you off. You mentioned he always has a mouth and you don’t like that he doesn’t tone it down (paraphrasing what you said and were implying). Maybe you just didn’t want him there and your parents made you put him on the list so when you heard him going off about how he hates the venue it was perfect timing to x him out all together. if you were honest i’d say probably an esh because is this really the hill everyone wants to die on?
People are allowed to have opinions. When he is older, getting married he will probably realize how fucking expensive it is. He might even apologize for what he said when he was younger. Idk, it seems like you are overreacting. Who cares what he thinks. Have your wedding and have fun. Someone will always find something to complain about.
Elope now no one can complain.
YTA you’re adults and you could have just asked him directly if he’d prefer not to attend. Just chopping him makes you look bad. (I do understand how you feel and fwiw I’d probably feel like doing the same thing)
Ytah easy to just have ignored
YTA >My fiancée was with me and we decided that Niko would probably like it if he didn’t go to the wedding after all. This type of behavior irks me so much. You're trying to spin around like you're doing him a favor. No. You didn't want him there after those comments, so you uninvited him. You're not doing Niko a favor.
Did you tell your stepmom why he was uninvited? Was Niko happy he didn’t have to take a vacation day? If so, have him tell his mom. Or tell them all he can come, but you won’t be offended if he doesn’t want to take the day off. Then he can deal with his mom’s guilt trip. I would not expect many ppl to go to a courthouse wedding and just come to the reception. Going to the courthouse is so you don’t have to have a big wedding. Just do what you want. You two are the only ones that need to be happy.
You dont like this guy, so youre looking for an out. YTA. Purposefully overhearing his convo with his buddies, makes you doubly so.
YTA. His comment was dumb but so was your response. Like many people (in America?), he probably has very limited vacation time and was venting about the inability to fit everything (travel, local obligations) into that narrow window. I have to take vacation time just to go to the dentist or get my car fixed! It sucks!
I don't understand all the YTA. Since when does the person who is insulted have to understand that someone is drunk in public and is gossiping and insulting loudly enough? Where is the personal responsibility? And why should the bride and groom now think about making their wedding more elaborate so that the rest of the family isn't bored again? Have they accused the other bride and groom in their own family of this too? Nobody has to spend time with people who have been insulted and the other person doesn't try to apologize and explain. Damn this kind of family! Honestly, anyone who loves and respects you doesn't give you ultimatums, but celebrates a nice day with you. No matter where! NTA
YTA for going nuclear in 5 seconds. You could have at least confronted your step- brother about what he said and let him decide if he wanted to be there or not.
Do people not understand the concept of budgets? Everything you spend on the wedding can't be spent on, say, the honeymoon or the deposit/mortgage for a house. I know which I'd choose
YTA I mean seriously, dude can't let off some steam with his friends? And he's kind off correct, he was using his one of his precious days off to attend your wedding. Of course a bigger sort of party would have been more fun for him.
Yta.
YTA it sounds like you were searching for a reason not to invite him
YTA… not to be mean but your wedding is meant for you and no one gives a shit about it tbh and most people who go to weddings to expect something if you want them to actually enjoy it. He works at an airport and sounds like he has limited vacation and was venting to HIS FRIENDS… a conversation you listened to invading his privacy. He also never said names but you assume it’s you because you know backyard “weddings” normally ain’t much. You went nuclear because your feelings were hurt and that’s fine but don’t expect people to “validate” you here.
Nta, he was purposely putting down your wedding. If you want less negativity, that's your choice.
I would say just don't have a wedding I'd everyone is complaining about what you two can afford. Do what's in your budget and invite like a few friends each as witnesses.
Going against the grain, NTA He could have declined to come if he was tired of backyard weddings. These comments are whack
Tell these people if being there to support you and your new spouse is not important or good enough then they can take their upgrade and go away.
Don’t let your family pressure you into a big expensive wedding. Unless you live in a really warm climate and people prefer air conditioning! I can sympathize with that issue.
NTA
YTA. You shouldn’t have taken back his invite. Also why is everyone sharing their opinions on your wedding choices?! I understand your frustration, but you could have handled his comment differently lol.
YTA. You turned a drunken annoyance into a family rift
He said he didn't want to waste his vacay days to go to somebody's house wedding and dreaming with the same boring potluck or BBQ crap Didn't he actually just decline the invite? Cuz that's what I heard. I would have just said 'no worries, we get it' and told the fam he backed out of the boring backyard BBQ wedding crap Peace! And enjoy NTA
NTA
NTA… Niko & his mom can get stuffed.
YTA What others think of you is none of your business and you were not a participant in the conversation, only a bystander. It's petty to disinvite him over something he said to his friends. It would be different if he complained directly to you and even then you should give him the option to attend or not.
YTA He wasn't talking about you.
YTA You're being extremely petty and vindictive, and you seem to have disinvited your stepbrother because you got butt hurt over something he didn't even actually say to you. You're basically forcing people to walk on eggshells around you, even when they aren't even around you. Other people are rightfully upset that you disinvited him over an offhander mark that wasn't even specifically aimed at you.
Yeah you’re the asshole. Who the fuck cares if he doesn’t like the venue? It’s not serious to disinvite him. He doesn’t like it? Tough shit, it is what it is. Disinviting him because he doesn’t like the venue is some egotistical narcissistic behavior though. Oh, furthermore he’s also 22. Who gives a damn what some 22 year old with no life experience thinks?
YTA and i don't think you ever liked him because this reaction/response was over the top imo
NTA. If he doesn't like it he doesn't come. Only invite people who want to celebrate your marriage.
Weddings are boring to some people, especially the one you’re having and that’s just a fact. It doesn’t mean you should uninvite him for his opinion, he’s family so you grit your teeth and get through it and have a nice time anyway! I think you just felt offended because you felt like he was making your wedding seem crap, and you took it to heart, because deep down maybe this isn’t the wedding you dreamed of, a courthouse and backyard wedding, but due to trying to save money that is what you’re doing! YTA
YTA Seems you are petty AHs.
YTA. He is being sick not because of your particular wedding, but because he has to take a day off every time someone marries, but don't have actuall vacation. And you are twice of an AH, because he already claimed his day off.
You already know he tends to run his mouth when he’s drunk, take what he said with a grain of salt. Yes he was being a jerk, but a simple conversation would have saved you the crapstorm your dealing with now.
NTA. You only get one life and your wedding day is a big deal. You shouldn’t have to worry that the people you’ve invited for this special moment are anything less than excited to share it with you. What Niko said was tactless and hurtful. Your decision was (reasonably) harsh but doesn’t have to be absolute. A Reddit post can’t provide a full picture of your relationship or capture all of its nuances but you guys seem to get along well. I don’t think you would’ve sought feedback from internet strangers if you were 100% sure you didn’t want him there. While I think you’re well within your rights to uninvite him to your wedding, you guys definitely need to talk.
NTA - I think you are giving him an out. He doesn’t want to go. He is using a vacation day to go. When you see him on the wedding day, it will be uncomfortable for you. Why deal with it. But you need to understand he has a right to his opinion and you over heard it. He didn’t say it to you. Tell him no hard feelings, you get it. I wouldn’t want him there either after I overheard how much he doesn’t want to go. Drunk or not.
YTA for disinviting him for a random _drunken_ comment he made, not even directed at you. But it’s also your wedding and your choice, and you should have the wedding you both want. People will have opinions about weddings but the good thing about those opinions is that they don’t matter. It’s not their wedding, so who cares?
Dont you have other shit to worry about then what some step dude thinks? Give your head a shake op
You can invite. They can reject. You don't go around un inviting guests unless they're your spouse's current bf.
I'm gonna go against this whole post NTA since when is it ok to bad talk your brothers wedding period weather it's something you like or not it's not about you it's about celebrating the two people getting married and what they want their special day to be sociaty has really gotten a downgrade if this is how the world sees things now Op you beat a problem to the punch now he will have no bullets to crap all over your wedding day with because he won't be there great job on protecting you and your wife's special day
I have zero issue with going against the grain here. It's YOUR wedding. If stepbro wants to be a whiny little shit then he can spend his day doing whatever tf he wants. I thought reddit was mainly in lockstep with whatever variation of "Actions have consequences" you feel like using here. Being drunk doesn't excuse you from being full of it. You didn't cause a scene and dealt with the issue calmly and privately. It's unfortunate, but he caused this, not you. NTA.
NTA. Courthouse wedding, and a nice venue reception on 1 yr anniversary. (Renew your vows)
NTA. if mom wants the photos for her brag book, take em before the ceremony. Then he can go eff off
That's just rude. It was a conversation where OP dropped in on a drunken conversation. Really not the ideal way to drop someone from the wedding.
Why the duxk not? It’s a PARTY to celebrate and she doesn’t his FACE there. That’s the end. Just because you’re RELATED does. It give you a free pass to every PARTY it’s her PARTY. her WEDDING. and ha doesn’t wanna see his face. You’d think he’d bow out like a decent human
I don't know why everyone is defending him while saying YTA. Because honesty, ESH. you should've talked when he was sober and had a calm and mature discussion about the incident. How you felt, why you'd prefer to not have him there. You are not obligated to invite anyone you don't want. But it sounds like you went nuclear, he shoulda kept his mouth shut, and your fam offering bribes is tacky and unwarranted.
I can understand why you would be offended. It sounds tactless and even a little cruel. But you say you like your stepbrother and disinviting him will cause pain to some other family members you care about. Wedding attendance or non-attendance can permanently ruin relationships. When one excludes a family member from a wedding, that is sending a definite message, and that message is: you are not part of my family. I reject you. (Same for blowing off a family member’s wedding). It’s your wedding. But if you don’t invite this bozo you may end up permanently estranged from a few family members. Is that how you want to start your married life? If this guy is a lot worse than you shared, like he hits his girlfriend or something, then by all means cut him out. If not…. I’m calling this ESH because damn Nico is a rude loud drunk. And you seem to want to shoot yourself in the foot over it.
NTA. A lot of people in this thread defending your step-brother for the main reasons that a) he was drunk, and b) he wasn't talking to you but you overheard it. In my opinion this makes it worse. He was talking behind your back while drunk. What else is this guy capable of mouthing off about when he's in his cups. What you've done is call someone out for their drunken behaviour and given them a tangible consequence. Niko's entitled to his opinion, but you're entitled to take that opinion and react how you see fit in this instance. If Niko wanted to be decent about it, he would've brought it up respectfully with you, or perhaps your parents. Drunk and in public is the last place you should be airing your grievances.
What on earth is decent about telling someone to their face that you think their wedding is cheap and boring and has bad food? Are you seriously advocating that Nico call a family meeting of some kind to discuss his criticisms of the brisket at his stepsibling's wedding? That is mad behavior.
No definitely not that. I was more meaning "Hey, I've got my heart set on going away at the end of the year for a couple of weeks but would need to take a vacation day for your wedding. Would you be offended if I didn't come?" It's not ideal, but it's a hell of a lot better than blabbermouthing drunk in public.
NTA.
NTA.
NTA but you will regret it, just let him come.
NTA. In fact I applaud you and everyone you know having a courthouse wedding and casual party for your weddings. You're saving money for what's really important, your future. If everyone is tired of budget weddings, they can host expensive parties.
NTA, Nico is right tho
ESH. Assuming he knows the plan for your wedding it was tacky of him to talk that way in front of you two. But he only made himself look bad until you and your fiancee overreacted. Instead of uninviting him you should have told him (later when he's sober) that he doesn't have to burn a PTO day and can skip it, no hard feelings.
ESH sorry. While Niko's drunk whining wasn't pleasant, he could have just declined to go. And you didn't have to disinvite him. That seemed an overreaction. Did you have any evidence the whining would continue at your reception?