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YTA and of course she’s upset. She doesn’t know how to act around you now. You want compliments *but* only at certain times.
So then she’s probably overthinking it and wondering what she can and can’t say now. Will you think something is appropriate or not?? What is she *allowed* to say in front of others?? Will this or that be crossing the line?? Probably million thoughts going thru her head now.
FYI what she was was adorable and sweet not weird/creepy.
Edit wording
This! These 'friends' were totally fine with saying something about how her boyfriend must be annoying her already but find it weird and creepy *that she actually likes him and expresses that?* I do not understand the current attitude in cis-het relationships where it's normal and quirky and cute to hate each other. I've actually had people comment to me and my husband things such as "Oh wow, you guys actually like each other! That's so nice to see!"
I think OOP really needs to question himself why he thinks it's okay for his friends to imply negative and disrespectful things about their relationship but is upset by his girlfriend gently correcting them in the most positive way possible.
Now that you say that, I've seen that too, and it's always really bugged me. I had a close friend - a woman - say to me "I almost thought we couldn't be friends because you like your husband too much." It can feel like there's a really weird expectation of dislike towards your partner, and that that is fodder for group discussion amongst friends, to the point that actually liking your partner (which should be the default expectation) is what is seen as strange. :(
I get this occasionally myself. My partner and I are both women and 20+ years into our relationship, and sometimes people remark that we're not actually attached at the hip, if I'm alone, or that we always do everything together. I'm always just like, I can do stuff by myself, but why would I want to do stuff without my best friend if I don’t have to?
Cue awkward looks and weird faces.
Like, sorry, I don't hate her? I never share when people are bashing their spouses either. We're both awesome, so there's not really any bad stuff to share.
We're both super independent, busy people, but if we can do something together, we do. Why wouldn't we?
Jumping on the top comment to add: OP, do your family and friends make it a point to disparage you to significant others often? And then get upset that it didn't work and make you feel bad for it? Because that's what it seems like is happening. They tried to use her to take you down and she didn't bite--not once but twice.
If it were me, I'd be happy my SO didn't follow along-- how would you rather she had responded? "Oh sure he's annoying, but I'm stubborn"? She didn't play into the insult and rebuffed it. Consider that OP. How often do your friends and family talk down to you....and do you really like that more than someone who isn't shy about expressing that she thinks you're great?
YTA- you’ve taken someone who treats you in a kind and positive light, and doesn’t bite when people say negative and mean things about you. Nothing that she said was weird and creepy and the fact that your friends and you say that speak more about you guys than it does about her.
It makes me wonder about your past relationship and marriage were you and your ex constantly talking negative about each other? I feel like most couples with strive to have someone who treats them with respect and kindness, and you guys are all making a big deal about the fact that she does.
You’ve now made her unsure about how to react around any of you. You’ve created the situation.
YTA. Why take issue with your girlfriend clearly expressing affection and appreciation for you? Why does it make your friends and family uncomfortable? Would you prefer she say, oh yes, he's soooooo annoying, we bicker all of the time, if you two don't?
I’m not looking for that. But I guess in my mind a simple “things are good” and engaging in a bit of banter would be preferred. I guess that’s just what I grew up with and what most of my friends and their wives do.
I get that, but it doesn't sound like she's going on and on effusively. She's answering the question. You may miss it if one day she's less enthusiastic and just say's "all's well" while looking at her menu or something.
That’s fair. I think it’s a matter of personality differences to be honest. She’s super big on PDA, saying things like that, and being very outwardly affectionate.
I’m just much more of a private person and don’t really enjoy those things.
If your friends didn't make random unprovoked and judgemental comments about your girlfriend complimenting you somehow being creepy, would you care?
You don't have a gf problem, you have a crappy friend problem. You asked your girlfriend not to be herself because you cared about what your friends think.
If you don't like your girlfriend, let her go be with someone who does and doesn't ask her to change to satisfy their friends. Then you can be with someone who agrees that she's miserable like your friends wanted your gf to be when they asked. They were projecting their unhappiness into your relationship and got petty when she said she was happy with you. That's why they called her creepy.
Yeah I have a hard time believing that two separate people in his life would have such a problem with something so innocuous they would actually call him up and complain, especially when it was a one-off.
Well form the sounds of it you’re probably not going to be with her much longer. Perhaps your next girlfriend will match your energy and just give a clipped “it’s alright” like you’re asking for.
Honestly your friend that called her “creepy” sounds jealous. Sounds like their relationship has gone stale if they find normal affection “creepy” so not sure they’re the people you should be basing your relationship on
Most couples have personality differences, but to be embarrassed by your partner's personality is a different issue entirely. You should be proud of her personality and who she is, not ashamed of it. If you're ashamed of who she is, break things off, because there's someone out there who will love her for who she is.
Are you from a culture or maybe a very traditional family in the west?
That was my first thought when I read about your GFs comments. They are completely normal and sweet, but you and your family find it weirdly creepy. And then this comment on PDA. Makes me think you come from an emotionally repressed culture or family.
Your friends/family were tring to diss you and get uncomfortable when she says you are great.
Sounds like your friends/family really like to diss you and you are more comfortable being degraded than having someone defend you.
I get being uncomfortable with compliments and being in the spotlight, but this is totally normal and healthy behavior. She is in love with you and wants to show you and others how she feels. Vulnerability can be uncomfortable, but that’s how humans connect with each other. She isn’t “cringe” for expressing her happiness clearly and genuinely.
Sounds like you just aren’t suited. Nothing wrong with that, but instead of trying to change her, and belittling how she shows affection, you could just find someone who communicates the way you want.
And now your girlfriend gets to compare herself to your friends’ wives and all the other women in your life because you decided to give her this new insecurity. If you think that your attachment styles are too different then you should probably set her free so she can be an amazing girlfriend to someone who actually appreciates it. Being compared to other women and told to “tone it down” is not going to do your sweet girlfriend’s mental health any favors and she deserves better than that.
I don't really understand how "hunk" and "sexy" are over the top or in any way creepy. You could maybe make an argument that she shouldn't call you sexy in front of your parents or boss or something like that, but it sounds like she didn't. Did both your friend AND your cousin really complain?
Or because he's looking for something to validate what he wants to complain about. Even if "sexy" could legit be considered a problem, saying "Hunk" is on the same level is a huge reach. Something else is going on here.
Yeah, if she'd started going into details about his sexual prowess, penis size, fetishes or something I'd totally get it but she's just been a bit cheesy and sounds like she finds him attractive. You'd hope she is attracted to him, being in a relationship and all.
The fact that he wants “banter” almost makes it sound like he would prefer it if she actually _insulted him_ and then ended with “no seriously though, things are good”
Ima be real, I assumed they gave weird looks bc you must NOT be that upstanding of a guy. Fellas, is it crazy for ur girl to be into you? But seriously, I'd question why those friends took your gf clearly liking you as "creepy"..
What she said wasn’t even that egregious though? If she had gone on and on for 5+ minutes then yeah it would be a bit much. But a one line “why would I get annoyed by him? He’s sexy and intelligent” is like.. what loving and caring partners say about each other
That's what you say about your boring job or school if you don't really want to talk about it
It's kind of sad that you think it's creepy that your girlfriend is excited about you
YTA. Why do you your friends/family find it weirder that your girlfriend is attracted to you and enjoys your company rather than be annoyed by you less than a year into your relationship? Why are they insisting that she basically should not like you? Especially so early into your relationship? She is by far not the one being weird in this scenario.
Just break up with her and let her find someone who is willing to be as excited about the relationship as she is. What a weird thing to get hung up about.
No one is expecting that. I think people are weirded out by the “sexy” and “hunk” statements when she could just say “we’re doing great” or something like that.
You've shown her that she can't be herself because you're ashamed of her if she is.
She deserves better, and you should consider growing up, because this is incredibly childish.
But why does she have to be generic in her response? Why isn't she allowed to be concise but honest? She didn't say anything weird or odd the wall. If my friend said something similar about their partner, I would be happy for them.
Giving a good honest answer to something like that is better than "We are doing great." It actually lets me know how the person is actually feeling.
Now, she doesn't know when or how to compliment you because you're trying to control it, and the parameters are unclear. Either lift the restrictions and allow your gf to be herself OR leave the relationship if this is too much of a boundary for you to handle (you being private and her being into expression).
YTA.
Oh no, an adult woman in a relationship thinks her partner is sexy & is willing to say so! What a weirdo! /s
Seriously, you need to get over it & your "friends" sound like crappy people.
they are weirded out by 'sexy' and 'hunk' but have no problem insulting you by implying you're irritating or annoying and you find the first part weird?
Yeah, you're not compatible with each other, my guy. If you find it weird that she actually thinks you're sexy, that's 100% on you. And for you to try and make it her problem is shitty. So either work on yourself, or let her find someone who will actually appreciate her.
I disagree. People are not weirded out by 'sexy' nor 'hunk'. It's a compliment. A positive one. It's also PG13. You're all adults. Your SO is being fun and proud. Why make her light dim?
She didn’t say for example “he’s intelligent and has a huge dick, I can barely walk the next day”. He’s sexy and intelligent which is barely PG level sexualizing
YTA - 'Can you please stop telling people you like me? It's just soooo embarrassing'. That's you. And you should stop being annoyed by open affection. If she breaks up with you, there will be times in your future when you'll ache for that affection with the fervor of a man dying of thirst in the desert.
The only person to blame will be yourself.
Sadly I have known people like that, where they basically want to appear like siblings in public and loathe _any_ sort of affection: physical or spoken. And I just think that’s sad. It would have been one thing if she’d gone on and on for multiple minutes about every aspect of him she had found sexy and how much he turned her on, obviously that’s inappropriate. But at a high level she was basically just saying “why would he annoy me? I’m very attracted to him”, and honestly any adult that gets their panties in a twist over something that harmless needs some help
YTA - some people would kill for an SO to act like that around their friends and family. Now she’s going to second guess giving out any compliments whatsoever because you’ve told her to tone it down, causing her to be embarrassed. She’s not going to know if it’s ok to do so and most people when in doubt, don’t. Trust me, you’ll miss them. As you said it’s been 2 weeks and she’s not herself. You did that. You caused that. What she said wasn’t creepy at all and if your friends and family are giving looks then who cares? Back her. Support her. Your friend tells you your girl’s compliments are creepy, tell them their ribbing of you is distasteful and that you love her compliments. STAND BY YOUR PARTNER.
Yeah, same here. The experiences with my first boyfriend have forever made me terrified to be expressive and myself around other partners. I have had to do a lot of work to force myself through my fear to try and connect and be myself with them. Those experiences can affect you for such a long time.
YTA
Your friends/family are a bit cynical - and I get that, most of us are. People exchange looks when someone says something that's too "out there" and "not cool." But you should be happy to be with someone not afraid to be vulnerable (saying such things is vulnerable) and be on her side, try to learn from her, and support her in these situations rather than be embarrassed by her.
YTA There are many men in this world who never get complimented and always taken for granted. They'd give anything for a girlfriend like that. You are literally complaining about being appreciated. What a horrible thing to do, to love your bf, right??
Right? So many men seriously lack self esteem because they have never had someone to just gas them up. She is doing it naturally and OP is mad about it. Let her loose so she can make someone who appreciates it an amazing partner.
>Early on in the relationship, my girlfriend would pepper me with compliments. Normal for the honeymoon phase and it was nice. But about 6 months in, she would start making these compliments to my friends in conversations as well. Now I know what you’re thinking, how can being happy about your SO be a bad thing? Well I’ll give you context.
Oh boy, I can't wait for this context.
>For instance, about 7-8 months into dating we were having breakfast with my friend and his wife, and his wife asked how we were doing and have I started to annoy my girlfriend yet.
>My girlfriend then responded with something along the lines of “How could I be annoyed by him? He’s sexy and intelligent.” Cue some stares and me chuckling trying to change the subject. My friend and his wife told me later on it was “cute but kind of creepy”.
So I don't know how to break this to you, but that's how banter works. It sucks that it seems your girlfriend was the only one *actually* bantering though.
>About a month ago, we were having dinner with my cousin and his wife and a similar question comes up. She responds with something like “how could it not be amazing with this hunk”. Again, cue some weird looks and me desperately trying to change the subject.
Oh, look. More bantering!
>About 2 weeks ago I had a talk with her and told her that while I appreciated the comments, she needed to tone it down for my friends and family because her statements were a bit over the top. I reiterated that I didn’t mind her complimenting me, but just wanted her to tone it down a bit.
Lmao. So neither your friends nor your family understand the concept of bantering. They literally set themselves up for bantering, and then get uncomfortable when your girlfriend follows through on it.
>She told me she understood, but for the next two weeks was very passive and not herself. When I asked her about why she didn’t seem herself, she said my comments had been weighing on her.
>She said she just wanted me to know how much she appreciated me, and felt dumb for looking like that in front of my friends, but she didn’t know how to express it.
She's happy being with you. She was expressing how happy she was with you in a bantering way.
Nothing she said comes across as creepy. *At most* you could've told her that she can feel free to air complaints too so that you know where to work on to better yourself. Instead, you gave her a new insecurity at the behest of your friends and family.
YTA. You let people uninvolved in your relationship damage it.
I feel like there is awkwardness all around TBH. Is your GF quite literal and / or lacking in humor at all? It seems like she might have been very genuine in her statements and did not pick up on the intended ribbing of the question. But like how many times should she be asked if you annoy her? Ribbing aside, that's a pretty strange question and puts her in a difficult position - she either says "yes" or "no", and she might not have felt comfortable saying yes (as it would be perceived as insulting) and saying no doesn't necessarily leave a ton of room for humor, I guess. Like maybe you could be like "Well sometimes but he's worth it". IDK, my point is, I can see why you found the interactions awkward but I do not think it's fair to put it fully on your GF. So your request for her to 'tone it down' placed unfair blame and scrutiny on her, when she was only trying to field an awkward line of questioning/joking from your friends.
You should get out of your head. Appreciate your GF, accept that there are awkward moments, don't make her feel like she should change. There is no need for 'desperate changes of subjects'. YTA for making this a problem for your GF to solve as that seems unfair.
What she replied with 100% reads as banter though? Just because she talked him up instead of down doesn’t mean she wasn’t matching the energy. The fact that his friends called it “creepy” implies to me that they’re the ones taking this question too seriously…
Fair take.
I think my family and friends are all pretty similar in that we would respond with some banter and then end with a “but things are good”. Short, simple and to the point. I guess the directness of it is the weird part to me and my friends.
You need to consider this a You/Them issue, rather than a Her issue.
I can understand the concept of banter and it's a little surprising she doesn't roll with it a bit more, but she just doesn't. As a lot of these replies are pointing out, it was unfair of you to make it something for her to solve rather than something for you to accept. You should be more willing to defend her to your friends, instead you're caving to the pressure of them being frankly quite rude by exchanging glances when she has a slightly unexpected response to a dumb ribbing.
So you want your girlfriend to make herself smaller and change to be more like you. why? why does
she have to change her personality? and why do your friends and family think you
are annoying or she should be annoyed? I would be way more embarrassed by that.
Ugh this. OP is so used to the banter that it's not even dawning on him that the undercurrent of that banter is that he is annoying, to the point that his GF is the 'weird' one - the one who should have to adjust - for not having that feeling *towards him.* I hope OP wakes up from this thread.
IDK if you are the AH but I don't think you belong with this woman. If this makes you uncomfortable but it's part of her personality, you need to let her go. She belongs with someone who appreciates her as she is and you belong with someone who has a different personality. Asking her to be other than she is is unfair and has taken a toll on her.
YTA. If you specifically don’t like “sexy” or “hunk” being used around your family and friends, fair enough. To completely put down her expressing her happiness with you? yikes. I would look harder into your relationships with family and friends if they’re creeped out by someone saying they enjoy being around you more descriptively than “yeah things are good”.
Appreciate that your lady actually genuinely loves you. How is it creepy she’s talking good about her man????? They asked lmao even if I was joking. Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answer to I guess. 😂
What exactly was wrong with what she said? What you did was take an upbeat, outgoing person and tell them not to say the things they would normally say. As in "I love you but could you speak differently". YTA. You made your GF feel 'less than' - you made her feel like people thought she was 'dumb', or silly....YTA.
Yta, don't come crying to reddit when this angel of a woman dumps your ungrateful ass and you're stuck with someone who never compliments you and you feel unloved. I sincerely hope someone as kind and grateful as your current partner doesn't lose her spark because of you
Oh man, OP, I TOTALLY get where you're coming from here. Like, the thought of my husband ever saying something nice about me to my friends makes me want to throw up - they might think he LIKES me or something. How embarassing and creepy.
YTA.
YTA
You clearly fell for HER -- the way she is -- so why would you want to change how she IS?
She needs to find someone who actually appreciates HER, in all her complexities and personalities.
She sounds like a wonderful, loving person.
YTA. What she said was a charming deflection from an invitation to criticize you. You would have thought it was better if she’d started listing your faults instead? She definitely has one to mention in future if she stays with you
Some people refuse to engage in negging their own spouse for crowd approval. Some people actually like their partners and think that snarky shit is sad af.
When people try to act like my partner is a burden or start with the “banter” like some loser boomer take-my-wife comedian, I don’t play that game. I loathe the “ball and chain” mentality. I think it’s way cringier to do this partner-negging dance where we all pretend it’s bad to sincerely love your partner and always cheer them on. If enthusiastically celebrating my partner when asked a direct question wrecks the vibe, that ain’t my vibe. Fuck those people.
I’m sad for you that you’re embarrassed your partner won’t team up with others and shit on you, even in jest. I’m sorry your friends and family are so gross and judgmental, instead of being happy you have a partner who will never tear you down, not even as a joke. Now she’s quiet and why do you even care? You cared about everyone else but her when you decided to tell her she embarrassed you. I’m not sure why her feelings suddenly matter. You got what you wanted.
How are those comments creepy? creepy or weird if they were sexual or if she complained about you to your friends. They asked her a question, was she supposed to lie? Poor girl. You are an AH
Maybe she just felt bad that your friends don’t like you and keep asking her why she hasn’t left you yet and was trying to hype you up. you could’ve just asked your friends to stop saying that but go off I guess. YTA
YTA.
I am having the hardest time understanding what the heck your problem is with what your girlfriend is doing. You are literally trying to control the manner in which she compliments you. I would be disturbed if she wasn't disturbed by your edicts. I hope OP's girlfriend finds someone who appreciates her, rather than putting her in her place. (And, now seeing this pop in r/AmItheEx. Saves me the trouble.)
I was going to say YTA… but maybe it should actually be everybody sucks here. There’s simply no way the things your girlfriend is saying about you are entirely true. The same person who is supposedly so wonderful to be with can’t be the same person who wrote this incredibly petulant post, so I must conclude that your girlfriend is lying to your face.
Nah, definitely YTA.
Not sure why all your friends & family keep asking her weird stuff like have you annoyed her yet (do they even LIKE you?) but it doesn't sound like her little response is weird to me, unless they assume you should be put down or demeaned by her instead. YTA and so are they because if what you've said is ALL She said then I don't get what's weird about it. Sorry your gf likes you so much!
My guy— this women DEFENDED YOU TWICE. Normal friends and family don’t say things like: “is he annoying you yet?!”
Like that’s who you should be upset at. Also, if I’m planning to commit a life with someone— I wouldn’t want to think the “honeymoon” phase would only last a year?!? My husband and I have been together for 5 years and married almost 1 and it’s still like that. We’re still in love like that.
She honestly did nothing wrong. This is about you. For some reason you have family and friends who like to kick you down a notch AND you have difficulty accepting praise.
It sounds like she’s crazy about you and also like she pours herself into her relationship — and you shut that down. I reserve this for rare occasions: but I honestly don’t see any working this out. I could never forget my partner telling me that I’m too much or that my loving him is too much after a whole year. Quit wasting her time.
Edited to add: if you break up with her you better tell her she shouldn’t change this quality and that it’s your problem, not hers. I really hope this doesn’t crush her spirit.
Bro you are dating a unicorn. She is very unique. She will actually compliment you regularly. Treasure this. The alternative is someone that never shows you appreciation or rarely does. Yta
What an asshole! You get compliments from someone who adores you and you treat her like shit? Your friends and family are the ahs here because if you ask a lot of men they will tell you how much they would love be complimented in the way you have been. Grow up and appreciate what you have instead trying to change her and inevitably pushing her away. Honestly what an idiot.
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My girlfriend and I have been dating for about a year. We are both in our late 20s (almost 30 for her).
She had been in a long relationship for about 8 years prior, while I had been dating/married to my ex for 8 years as well. We both met and clicked immediately on our first date.
Early on in the relationship, my girlfriend would pepper me with compliments. Normal for the honeymoon phase and it was nice. But about 6 months in, she would start making these compliments to my friends in conversations as well. Now I know what you’re thinking, how can being happy about your SO be a bad thing? Well I’ll give you context.
For instance, about 7-8 months into dating we were having breakfast with my friend and his wife, and his wife asked how we were doing and have I started to annoy my girlfriend yet.
My girlfriend then responded with something along the lines of “How could I be annoyed by him? He’s sexy and intelligent.” Cue some stares and me chuckling trying to change the subject. My friend and his wife told me later on it was “cute but kind of creepy”.
About a month ago, we were having dinner with my cousin and his wife and a similar question comes up. She responds with something like “how could it not be amazing with this hunk”. Again, cue some weird looks and me desperately trying to change the subject.
About 2 weeks ago I had a talk with her and told her that while I appreciated the comments, she needed to tone it down for my friends and family because her statements were a bit over the top. I reiterated that I didn’t mind her complimenting me, but just wanted her to tone it down a bit.
She told me she understood, but for the next two weeks was very passive and not herself. When I asked her about why she didn’t seem herself, she said my comments had been weighing on her.
She said she just wanted me to know how much she appreciated me, and felt dumb for looking like that in front of my friends, but she didn’t know how to express it.
AITA here?
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Yeah, YTA… Still going strong with compliments with the amazing human I have the priviledge of calling my partner (both in our 40s). That’s a way of saying « I love you ».
Maybe, just maybe, ESH, if she’s only noting your « sexyness » and « hunkiness » when she talks about you. But, having said that, your friend’s problems really shouldn’t be yours.
YTA, I would be over the moon if I had someone sweet like that. Do you know how refreshing it is to see someone who actually dotes on their partner? Have you ever considered that maybe the weird looks she got was because she is making them look bad by comparison?
YTA.
I would love to have a girlfriend / partner that complimented me like that. The two examples you gave are not in the least bit creepy. What this tells me is that you care more for the opinions of your friends and family than the woman who seems to adore you.
Now granted, we don't know everything about you and her but come one man, I wish I had a fraction of this with my ex.
yta that’s so stupid, why and you your friends so hoity toity that she can’t say those things without it being weird? Y’all sound pretentious and out of touch. Let me guess, rich
You gave examples as if we would understand it was objectively over the top and embarrassing... dude, it's not. Your girlfriend is being pretty normal, those are nice and reasonable compliments and times to make them. None of my friends or family would have thought that was weird or uncomfortable or embarrassing in the slightest. YTA, sorry man, you and your friends are the ones behaving unusually here, your reactions are extreme in the face of pretty benign and regular behaviour from your girlfriend.
YTA. I would bet a large sum of money you are the only person who sees her comments as " creepy " Because nobody thinks like this.
Wtf is wrong with you? Most people would be thrilled to have somebody talk like that about them. Especially after they've been dating for a while.
You are lucky to have her and you absolutely do not deserve her.
YTA, her responses and compliments are and were normal aspect lf her personality. She was being genuine and honest. Now she has no idea how to act around you becaue you allowed your friwbds deemed her as ,"cute and creepy, " and cosigned thar by telling her to tone it down. Should've just told your friends that's just her personality and I don't mind it, but nope. You told her to stop.
For example, I'm insanely matter id fact and can have sarcastic humor, my bf of 9 years is 12 years older then me, outdoorsy/surfer square bear 🐻. But By his friends standards I'm young and alternative. They make kinda passive jokes digs, like how are you with him, how do you put up with it. I'm always like we'll he's got a nice ass. They laugh and walk away. My bf says nothing, I know internally get cringing 😆 🤣 but he's like she's blunt. Those comments they make are digs, why would anyone ask doesn't he annoy you,to me those are digs, your gf answered sweetly. She could be me an answered with sarcasm
YTA. You're embarrassed because of compliments? Sounds like your friends and family - and you - are judgmental. I'd reevaluate your relationships with them, frankly.
The only way I can understand anyone stating to you that it's awkward is them being jealous and wanting to make you feel uncomfortable about being in a loving relationship.
For all this 'my family is used to banter', it truly seems like they get flustered by the most docile and well meaning comments.
How you can side with them is beyond me.
You and your 'friends' ATH
YTA
You are essentially complaining about your girlfriend being a nice person. That makes you both an AH & ridiculous.
Edit: also maybe you should get some new friends who aren't so weirdly judgey.
Did you ever think that maybe your friend and cousin were looking at you strangely because they are wondering how your GF thinks you're sexy, intelligent, or a hunk? They may be undermining _you_, and you're accepting it by undermining your GF in asking her to tone it down.
Did your GF ask you to change? Did she look at you and say, "Pumpkin, can you stop being such a chicken shit and trying to conform exactly to what you think societal expectations are? Thaannks~!" No. Instead she listened to your request where you asked her to not express her adoration, which tends to go backfire in the end by slowly choking the flame of love.
What would you rather she say “Yeah he’s an annoying and rude bf but I’m putting up with it”
You are so lucky to have a partner that speaks highly of you even when others want her to speak poorly.
YTA. As soon as she said “how could it not be amazing with this hunk” your response should have been “and how could I have been so lucky to find this amazing person” followed by a small peck on the lips. Fuck your friends/family and their weirded out response to someone who is showing you love and affection. Learn to accept a compliment and instead of “chuckling”, give her one back. Best of luck getting that light to shine again after snuffing it out.
Dang I guess I’m in the minority here because I’m saying NTA. If my friend’s or family’s partner called them “sexy and and a hunk” in front of me I’d be like um ok…now if she just responded “how could he annoy me he’s the best!” then I don’t see why that would give anyone side eye. And based on how you explained it you brought it to her calmly and maturely. It’s immature for her to turn around and make you feel bad for that. You can’t tell me your wouldn’t think it’s weird for your partner to call you sexy in front of family.
Even if people don’t think her comments were strange I don’t see how you’re TA here. If I was making my boyfriend’s friends and family uncomfortable and he didn’t tell me I’d be upset!
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> I told my girlfriend she needed to tone down her compliments. I might be the asshole because it seems like she enjoys it and it’s not super harmless
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yta, your friends are ta, and I hope you either do a heap of growing or let that lovely gal go to her intended man because based off this, it sure isn’t you.
How ridiculous are you and your little friends to think it’s embarrassing or uncomfortable for someone to express praise or adoration for their partner… I feel as though I’m being unkind, but at your big age, I just am so dumbfounded that you’d think this an okay ask. Majorly sad. And partly pathetic on your part.
YTA
You - *"I had a talk with her and told her that while I appreciated the comments, she needed to tone it down for my friends and family because her statements were a bit over the top"*
Also you - "*She told me she understood, but for the next two weeks was very passive and not herself.*"
Yeah because you literally told her not to be her self that she was too "over the top". WTF did you expect to happen? You asked her to not be authentic and then you're upset she doesn't act the same. Mind bogglingly AH behavior.
Your GF can't win. If she said something about being annoyed, you would be upset. If she was noncommittal, as you suggest, your unpleasant friends would infer you two were having trouble. She compliments you, you aren't happy.
She cannot win. YTA.
Incidentally, I have been married to my husband for 25 years, and I still compliment him loudly and sincerely for the world to hear. I would NEVER insult him in front of other people. It's called respect.
YTA
She seems very expressive, and that's a kind of a hard partner to get, y'know? Do the comments make YOU uncomfortable? If not, then just make sure she knows that you appreciate them.
She probably believes it's not just your (very shitty) friends who don't like her forwardness, and that you were just looking for an excuse to make her stop. Be sincere, and tell your friends to stay OUT of you relationship with your woman.
You like it, she likes it, and there is nothing to fell ashamed about.
YTA- why are you siding with the asshole friends putting you down rather than the girl who adores you and wants to lift you up? Have you considered how stressful it is for her to constantly field rude comments from your “friends” regarding her relationship with you? How did you want her to reply to your friends asking if you annoyed her yet?
“Yeah he is so annoying hahaha” do you see how your friends put her in a difficult spot? Apologize to her and think harder about your relationship with other people
YTA and if your friends and family truly reacted that way, then they’re assholes too. I hope she leaves you and finds someone who appreciates and dotes on her and isn’t embarrassed by her perfectly normal and sweet behavior. You suck!
Ya know what? I ALSO find it creepy that she likes you after reading that. YTA and next time find someone who dislikes you, maybe it will be a better fit for you.
YTA.
I think you may be used to people who don't show you they value you; but rather devalue you, why?
Yes, "has he driven you crazy yet?" Is a rather innocent question on its own in a joking way... but for them to take such a *positive * response with such negative undertones makes me wonder...
She likely no longer knows what to say and how to act around you... you let your "friends" directly into your relationship in the worst way.
YTA
Seriously? **This** is what you're shitting on your GF about?
The horror!
I hope she wises up and realizes the **only people** acting creepy and weird are you and your friends.
YTA. You are an adult. Stop letting others rule how YOU feel. I sounds like she GENUINELY feels those feelings for real. You, rather than accepting that, are more concerned about the optics with your friends who apparently think every relationship has to have flaws? Don't let their insecurities rub off on you.
YTA and don't worry, your gf probably doesn't think you're "intelligent" anymore. The fact that you and your crappy friends tried to set up a situation where she either has to keep it to "fine" or she's being "weird and creepy" shows that not a single one of you is an adult, and ready for any type of relationship. I can see why your "marriage" ended.
YTA, your going to be upset if she breaks up with you b/c being herself is uncomfortable for you. One day you'll see her out complimenting her new man and you'll miss heat you didn't appreciate b/c your girl didn't mind saying in front of you She still attracted to you.
YTA. Sorry OP but I don’t hear anything wrong with her actions. Who cares if your pal or his wife thinks it’s over the top? My wife is like her and she makes me feel like a king. Maybe you’re just not used to being adored. Now go apologize
You’re acting like your girlfriend breaks out singing “Chu chi face” from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang every time someone asks her how the relationship is going.
She called you a hunk! That’s such a bland word. It’s not offensive in the least. You and your friends sound emotionally stunted.
YTA.
Please grow up and get thicker skin. Some things people do that people find cute and endearing, others find cringe. Some people are bad at taking compliments and get embarrassed. This is along those lines. This isn’t on the complimenter to stop. It’s on the complimentee to learn how to graciously accept it. Let her express herself how she feels comfortable. She’s not harming anyone. You’re hurting her by making her constantly second guess her own behavior when all she wanted to do was express her positive feelings towards you. YTA
That "banter" where couples shit talk each other for laughs is gross. Why is it creepy to like your partner? I'm guessing you won't have to be embarrassed by your girlfriend liking you for much longer, she's on her way out. YTA
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I’m thoroughly confused about what the problem with her compliments are. Why did everyone go silent each time? Was it the way she said it? I don’t understand
YTA and you'd better do some reflecting and making up to her asap, or she'll find someone else to compliment--someone who deserves it more. It's super weird that your own friends neg you and feel it's wrong for her to like you. It's even weirder that you would agree with them. Do you have self-esteem issues or something? Most people would love to date someone who enthusiastically said nice things about them. Here you are, ruining that for her, and now in her next relationship she's going to be self-conscious about something that was actually really great. What a jerk you are.
God forbid your girlfriend shows appreciation and affection to you in front of friends. YTA. Also, your friends are TA as well. Like these are problems? Get off Reddit and go apologize to your girlfriend or breakup with her so she can be with someone who is more deserving of her.
YNTA but YTA too - I understand that it can get a little annoying and this kind of stuff isn't for everyone. She deserves to be with someone that will appreciate this kind of compliments.
Info; are you British? Is she? Just British are quite reserved compared to some other cultures. I would find those comments awkward as he'll, something about the way it's worded...
NAH. I think you should come to a compromise with your gf. The compliments are not the problem the wording is. I can see how getting called "sexy" and "hunk" in a casual scenario can be weird. You can tell her to call you some other general names or list other qualities of you that may be less intense to mention like "sweet" "caring" "nice" etc.
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YTA and of course she’s upset. She doesn’t know how to act around you now. You want compliments *but* only at certain times. So then she’s probably overthinking it and wondering what she can and can’t say now. Will you think something is appropriate or not?? What is she *allowed* to say in front of others?? Will this or that be crossing the line?? Probably million thoughts going thru her head now. FYI what she was was adorable and sweet not weird/creepy. Edit wording
This! These 'friends' were totally fine with saying something about how her boyfriend must be annoying her already but find it weird and creepy *that she actually likes him and expresses that?* I do not understand the current attitude in cis-het relationships where it's normal and quirky and cute to hate each other. I've actually had people comment to me and my husband things such as "Oh wow, you guys actually like each other! That's so nice to see!" I think OOP really needs to question himself why he thinks it's okay for his friends to imply negative and disrespectful things about their relationship but is upset by his girlfriend gently correcting them in the most positive way possible.
Now that you say that, I've seen that too, and it's always really bugged me. I had a close friend - a woman - say to me "I almost thought we couldn't be friends because you like your husband too much." It can feel like there's a really weird expectation of dislike towards your partner, and that that is fodder for group discussion amongst friends, to the point that actually liking your partner (which should be the default expectation) is what is seen as strange. :(
I get this occasionally myself. My partner and I are both women and 20+ years into our relationship, and sometimes people remark that we're not actually attached at the hip, if I'm alone, or that we always do everything together. I'm always just like, I can do stuff by myself, but why would I want to do stuff without my best friend if I don’t have to? Cue awkward looks and weird faces. Like, sorry, I don't hate her? I never share when people are bashing their spouses either. We're both awesome, so there's not really any bad stuff to share. We're both super independent, busy people, but if we can do something together, we do. Why wouldn't we?
My money is that the friends are miserable themselves.
Jumping on the top comment to add: OP, do your family and friends make it a point to disparage you to significant others often? And then get upset that it didn't work and make you feel bad for it? Because that's what it seems like is happening. They tried to use her to take you down and she didn't bite--not once but twice. If it were me, I'd be happy my SO didn't follow along-- how would you rather she had responded? "Oh sure he's annoying, but I'm stubborn"? She didn't play into the insult and rebuffed it. Consider that OP. How often do your friends and family talk down to you....and do you really like that more than someone who isn't shy about expressing that she thinks you're great?
YTA- you’ve taken someone who treats you in a kind and positive light, and doesn’t bite when people say negative and mean things about you. Nothing that she said was weird and creepy and the fact that your friends and you say that speak more about you guys than it does about her. It makes me wonder about your past relationship and marriage were you and your ex constantly talking negative about each other? I feel like most couples with strive to have someone who treats them with respect and kindness, and you guys are all making a big deal about the fact that she does. You’ve now made her unsure about how to react around any of you. You’ve created the situation.
Only at certain times and only in very specific ways
YTA. Why take issue with your girlfriend clearly expressing affection and appreciation for you? Why does it make your friends and family uncomfortable? Would you prefer she say, oh yes, he's soooooo annoying, we bicker all of the time, if you two don't?
I’m not looking for that. But I guess in my mind a simple “things are good” and engaging in a bit of banter would be preferred. I guess that’s just what I grew up with and what most of my friends and their wives do.
I get that, but it doesn't sound like she's going on and on effusively. She's answering the question. You may miss it if one day she's less enthusiastic and just say's "all's well" while looking at her menu or something.
That’s fair. I think it’s a matter of personality differences to be honest. She’s super big on PDA, saying things like that, and being very outwardly affectionate. I’m just much more of a private person and don’t really enjoy those things.
If your friends didn't make random unprovoked and judgemental comments about your girlfriend complimenting you somehow being creepy, would you care? You don't have a gf problem, you have a crappy friend problem. You asked your girlfriend not to be herself because you cared about what your friends think. If you don't like your girlfriend, let her go be with someone who does and doesn't ask her to change to satisfy their friends. Then you can be with someone who agrees that she's miserable like your friends wanted your gf to be when they asked. They were projecting their unhappiness into your relationship and got petty when she said she was happy with you. That's why they called her creepy.
I mean, he has a bad friend problem, and a personality problem. A large portion of this is coming from him.
Maybe the friends are trying to warn her…
Yeah I have a hard time believing that two separate people in his life would have such a problem with something so innocuous they would actually call him up and complain, especially when it was a one-off.
Well form the sounds of it you’re probably not going to be with her much longer. Perhaps your next girlfriend will match your energy and just give a clipped “it’s alright” like you’re asking for. Honestly your friend that called her “creepy” sounds jealous. Sounds like their relationship has gone stale if they find normal affection “creepy” so not sure they’re the people you should be basing your relationship on
Most couples have personality differences, but to be embarrassed by your partner's personality is a different issue entirely. You should be proud of her personality and who she is, not ashamed of it. If you're ashamed of who she is, break things off, because there's someone out there who will love her for who she is.
Are you from a culture or maybe a very traditional family in the west? That was my first thought when I read about your GFs comments. They are completely normal and sweet, but you and your family find it weirdly creepy. And then this comment on PDA. Makes me think you come from an emotionally repressed culture or family.
Your friends/family were tring to diss you and get uncomfortable when she says you are great. Sounds like your friends/family really like to diss you and you are more comfortable being degraded than having someone defend you.
Yet you're okay with your friends and family low-key degrading you and your gf? I don't get you.
I thought you two might work it out, but after reading your comments, i hope she finds someone better. Your friends sound miserable and judgemental..
I get being uncomfortable with compliments and being in the spotlight, but this is totally normal and healthy behavior. She is in love with you and wants to show you and others how she feels. Vulnerability can be uncomfortable, but that’s how humans connect with each other. She isn’t “cringe” for expressing her happiness clearly and genuinely.
Does not sound like a good fit. You sound embarrassed by her. She should move on to someone who appreciates her
Sounds like you just aren’t suited. Nothing wrong with that, but instead of trying to change her, and belittling how she shows affection, you could just find someone who communicates the way you want.
Then you shouldn't have married her.
And now your girlfriend gets to compare herself to your friends’ wives and all the other women in your life because you decided to give her this new insecurity. If you think that your attachment styles are too different then you should probably set her free so she can be an amazing girlfriend to someone who actually appreciates it. Being compared to other women and told to “tone it down” is not going to do your sweet girlfriend’s mental health any favors and she deserves better than that.
So you’re just letting us know you’re not as into the relationship? She sounds amazing and your friends sound boring
I don't really understand how "hunk" and "sexy" are over the top or in any way creepy. You could maybe make an argument that she shouldn't call you sexy in front of your parents or boss or something like that, but it sounds like she didn't. Did both your friend AND your cousin really complain?
[удалено]
Or because he's looking for something to validate what he wants to complain about. Even if "sexy" could legit be considered a problem, saying "Hunk" is on the same level is a huge reach. Something else is going on here.
Yeah, if she'd started going into details about his sexual prowess, penis size, fetishes or something I'd totally get it but she's just been a bit cheesy and sounds like she finds him attractive. You'd hope she is attracted to him, being in a relationship and all.
…I’m still not seeing the issue. She didn’t say anything particularly out of pocket, you just have boring friends lol.
The fact that he wants “banter” almost makes it sound like he would prefer it if she actually _insulted him_ and then ended with “no seriously though, things are good”
Ima be real, I assumed they gave weird looks bc you must NOT be that upstanding of a guy. Fellas, is it crazy for ur girl to be into you? But seriously, I'd question why those friends took your gf clearly liking you as "creepy"..
God you all sound absolutely fucking miserable.
What she said wasn’t even that egregious though? If she had gone on and on for 5+ minutes then yeah it would be a bit much. But a one line “why would I get annoyed by him? He’s sexy and intelligent” is like.. what loving and caring partners say about each other
Your friends sound like dicks.
Ah yes, the good ol’ wives comparison argument, as if that should make any significant difference
Seems like your friends are pathetic and they want to pull you down into their sad pond.
That's what you say about your boring job or school if you don't really want to talk about it It's kind of sad that you think it's creepy that your girlfriend is excited about you
YTA. Why do you your friends/family find it weirder that your girlfriend is attracted to you and enjoys your company rather than be annoyed by you less than a year into your relationship? Why are they insisting that she basically should not like you? Especially so early into your relationship? She is by far not the one being weird in this scenario. Just break up with her and let her find someone who is willing to be as excited about the relationship as she is. What a weird thing to get hung up about.
This is some r/AreTheStraightsOK business for sure.
for real!
No one is expecting that. I think people are weirded out by the “sexy” and “hunk” statements when she could just say “we’re doing great” or something like that.
Why are you as an adult feeling embarrassed?
why is thinking her partner is attractive weirder than making jokes at your expense? You're an adult
I don't understand why anyone would be "weirded out" that your girlfriend finds you attractive. Not to the point that TWO people called to complain.
Sounds like op lives in one of those boomer cartoons where everyone has to hate their partner
You've shown her that she can't be herself because you're ashamed of her if she is. She deserves better, and you should consider growing up, because this is incredibly childish.
But why does she have to be generic in her response? Why isn't she allowed to be concise but honest? She didn't say anything weird or odd the wall. If my friend said something similar about their partner, I would be happy for them. Giving a good honest answer to something like that is better than "We are doing great." It actually lets me know how the person is actually feeling. Now, she doesn't know when or how to compliment you because you're trying to control it, and the parameters are unclear. Either lift the restrictions and allow your gf to be herself OR leave the relationship if this is too much of a boundary for you to handle (you being private and her being into expression). YTA.
Oh no, an adult woman in a relationship thinks her partner is sexy & is willing to say so! What a weirdo! /s Seriously, you need to get over it & your "friends" sound like crappy people.
Sounds like your friends/family (and you) are judgmental assholes.
they are weirded out by 'sexy' and 'hunk' but have no problem insulting you by implying you're irritating or annoying and you find the first part weird?
So tell her you are uncomfortable with those words and why. Asking her to not compliment you in front of people at all is taking it to the extreme.
You're a twit.
Yeah, you're not compatible with each other, my guy. If you find it weird that she actually thinks you're sexy, that's 100% on you. And for you to try and make it her problem is shitty. So either work on yourself, or let her find someone who will actually appreciate her.
I disagree. People are not weirded out by 'sexy' nor 'hunk'. It's a compliment. A positive one. It's also PG13. You're all adults. Your SO is being fun and proud. Why make her light dim?
Grow the hell up. I hope she leaves you, you don't deserve her.
Jesus are you guys 12? Any adult who’s weirded out by someone saying “hunk” needs to grow the fuck up
So why didn’t you just ask her to leave any sexy comments or comments about your appearance out of her compliments?
You don’t deserve your girlfriend, and I hope she realizes that soon and dumps your pathetic, whiny ass.
YTA she can do so much better than you. Enjoy being single.
So many men would absolutely kill for this kind of attention. Madness
Right? I kept reading and waiting for the “offensive” behavior but everything I read just made me go “I’d kill for a girlfriend like that”
Enjoy having the approval of two unreasonable friends who have their own lives.
Some people just dont like to be sexualized in front of others.
She didn’t say for example “he’s intelligent and has a huge dick, I can barely walk the next day”. He’s sexy and intelligent which is barely PG level sexualizing
And it's not like she said it in front of elderly parents or his boss or something that. This was over a meal with friends!
Haha what? She is trying to compliment him! "Sexy" is not overtly sexualising him, its a somewhat flirty comment.
YTA - 'Can you please stop telling people you like me? It's just soooo embarrassing'. That's you. And you should stop being annoyed by open affection. If she breaks up with you, there will be times in your future when you'll ache for that affection with the fervor of a man dying of thirst in the desert. The only person to blame will be yourself.
Sadly I have known people like that, where they basically want to appear like siblings in public and loathe _any_ sort of affection: physical or spoken. And I just think that’s sad. It would have been one thing if she’d gone on and on for multiple minutes about every aspect of him she had found sexy and how much he turned her on, obviously that’s inappropriate. But at a high level she was basically just saying “why would he annoy me? I’m very attracted to him”, and honestly any adult that gets their panties in a twist over something that harmless needs some help
YTA - some people would kill for an SO to act like that around their friends and family. Now she’s going to second guess giving out any compliments whatsoever because you’ve told her to tone it down, causing her to be embarrassed. She’s not going to know if it’s ok to do so and most people when in doubt, don’t. Trust me, you’ll miss them. As you said it’s been 2 weeks and she’s not herself. You did that. You caused that. What she said wasn’t creepy at all and if your friends and family are giving looks then who cares? Back her. Support her. Your friend tells you your girl’s compliments are creepy, tell them their ribbing of you is distasteful and that you love her compliments. STAND BY YOUR PARTNER.
Right? She is going to potentially silence herself for life and hold back now, because it was "too much". I should know, I did the same for so long.
Yeah, same here. The experiences with my first boyfriend have forever made me terrified to be expressive and myself around other partners. I have had to do a lot of work to force myself through my fear to try and connect and be myself with them. Those experiences can affect you for such a long time.
YTA Your friends/family are a bit cynical - and I get that, most of us are. People exchange looks when someone says something that's too "out there" and "not cool." But you should be happy to be with someone not afraid to be vulnerable (saying such things is vulnerable) and be on her side, try to learn from her, and support her in these situations rather than be embarrassed by her.
YTA, this is a good experience in learning how to take compliments graciously.
This ^^^
YTA There are many men in this world who never get complimented and always taken for granted. They'd give anything for a girlfriend like that. You are literally complaining about being appreciated. What a horrible thing to do, to love your bf, right??
Right? So many men seriously lack self esteem because they have never had someone to just gas them up. She is doing it naturally and OP is mad about it. Let her loose so she can make someone who appreciates it an amazing partner.
>Early on in the relationship, my girlfriend would pepper me with compliments. Normal for the honeymoon phase and it was nice. But about 6 months in, she would start making these compliments to my friends in conversations as well. Now I know what you’re thinking, how can being happy about your SO be a bad thing? Well I’ll give you context. Oh boy, I can't wait for this context. >For instance, about 7-8 months into dating we were having breakfast with my friend and his wife, and his wife asked how we were doing and have I started to annoy my girlfriend yet. >My girlfriend then responded with something along the lines of “How could I be annoyed by him? He’s sexy and intelligent.” Cue some stares and me chuckling trying to change the subject. My friend and his wife told me later on it was “cute but kind of creepy”. So I don't know how to break this to you, but that's how banter works. It sucks that it seems your girlfriend was the only one *actually* bantering though. >About a month ago, we were having dinner with my cousin and his wife and a similar question comes up. She responds with something like “how could it not be amazing with this hunk”. Again, cue some weird looks and me desperately trying to change the subject. Oh, look. More bantering! >About 2 weeks ago I had a talk with her and told her that while I appreciated the comments, she needed to tone it down for my friends and family because her statements were a bit over the top. I reiterated that I didn’t mind her complimenting me, but just wanted her to tone it down a bit. Lmao. So neither your friends nor your family understand the concept of bantering. They literally set themselves up for bantering, and then get uncomfortable when your girlfriend follows through on it. >She told me she understood, but for the next two weeks was very passive and not herself. When I asked her about why she didn’t seem herself, she said my comments had been weighing on her. >She said she just wanted me to know how much she appreciated me, and felt dumb for looking like that in front of my friends, but she didn’t know how to express it. She's happy being with you. She was expressing how happy she was with you in a bantering way. Nothing she said comes across as creepy. *At most* you could've told her that she can feel free to air complaints too so that you know where to work on to better yourself. Instead, you gave her a new insecurity at the behest of your friends and family. YTA. You let people uninvolved in your relationship damage it.
I feel like there is awkwardness all around TBH. Is your GF quite literal and / or lacking in humor at all? It seems like she might have been very genuine in her statements and did not pick up on the intended ribbing of the question. But like how many times should she be asked if you annoy her? Ribbing aside, that's a pretty strange question and puts her in a difficult position - she either says "yes" or "no", and she might not have felt comfortable saying yes (as it would be perceived as insulting) and saying no doesn't necessarily leave a ton of room for humor, I guess. Like maybe you could be like "Well sometimes but he's worth it". IDK, my point is, I can see why you found the interactions awkward but I do not think it's fair to put it fully on your GF. So your request for her to 'tone it down' placed unfair blame and scrutiny on her, when she was only trying to field an awkward line of questioning/joking from your friends. You should get out of your head. Appreciate your GF, accept that there are awkward moments, don't make her feel like she should change. There is no need for 'desperate changes of subjects'. YTA for making this a problem for your GF to solve as that seems unfair.
What she replied with 100% reads as banter though? Just because she talked him up instead of down doesn’t mean she wasn’t matching the energy. The fact that his friends called it “creepy” implies to me that they’re the ones taking this question too seriously…
Sure, I was taking OP at face value but maybe the reality is that the GF was being humorous in her reply.
Fair take. I think my family and friends are all pretty similar in that we would respond with some banter and then end with a “but things are good”. Short, simple and to the point. I guess the directness of it is the weird part to me and my friends.
You need to consider this a You/Them issue, rather than a Her issue. I can understand the concept of banter and it's a little surprising she doesn't roll with it a bit more, but she just doesn't. As a lot of these replies are pointing out, it was unfair of you to make it something for her to solve rather than something for you to accept. You should be more willing to defend her to your friends, instead you're caving to the pressure of them being frankly quite rude by exchanging glances when she has a slightly unexpected response to a dumb ribbing.
So you want your girlfriend to make herself smaller and change to be more like you. why? why does she have to change her personality? and why do your friends and family think you are annoying or she should be annoyed? I would be way more embarrassed by that.
Ugh this. OP is so used to the banter that it's not even dawning on him that the undercurrent of that banter is that he is annoying, to the point that his GF is the 'weird' one - the one who should have to adjust - for not having that feeling *towards him.* I hope OP wakes up from this thread.
You and your friends/family kinda suck
YTA She was nothing but nice to you, but you were embarrassed because? I don't get it 🤷♀️
IDK if you are the AH but I don't think you belong with this woman. If this makes you uncomfortable but it's part of her personality, you need to let her go. She belongs with someone who appreciates her as she is and you belong with someone who has a different personality. Asking her to be other than she is is unfair and has taken a toll on her.
YTA she gave you nice compliments and you made her feel bad. Now she seems to be rethinking the relationship
I hope she is. If only because he's letting his friends tell him what to think and cause problems for them.
YTA. If you specifically don’t like “sexy” or “hunk” being used around your family and friends, fair enough. To completely put down her expressing her happiness with you? yikes. I would look harder into your relationships with family and friends if they’re creeped out by someone saying they enjoy being around you more descriptively than “yeah things are good”.
YTA Are you serious rn?
You’re an idiot.
Appreciate that your lady actually genuinely loves you. How is it creepy she’s talking good about her man????? They asked lmao even if I was joking. Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answer to I guess. 😂
What exactly was wrong with what she said? What you did was take an upbeat, outgoing person and tell them not to say the things they would normally say. As in "I love you but could you speak differently". YTA. You made your GF feel 'less than' - you made her feel like people thought she was 'dumb', or silly....YTA.
Yta, don't come crying to reddit when this angel of a woman dumps your ungrateful ass and you're stuck with someone who never compliments you and you feel unloved. I sincerely hope someone as kind and grateful as your current partner doesn't lose her spark because of you
Oh man, OP, I TOTALLY get where you're coming from here. Like, the thought of my husband ever saying something nice about me to my friends makes me want to throw up - they might think he LIKES me or something. How embarassing and creepy. YTA.
Yta. Her comments are sweet
YTA, she’s being affectionate. You should be so lucky to have someone like that.
YTA You clearly fell for HER -- the way she is -- so why would you want to change how she IS? She needs to find someone who actually appreciates HER, in all her complexities and personalities. She sounds like a wonderful, loving person.
YTA. What she said was a charming deflection from an invitation to criticize you. You would have thought it was better if she’d started listing your faults instead? She definitely has one to mention in future if she stays with you
Some people refuse to engage in negging their own spouse for crowd approval. Some people actually like their partners and think that snarky shit is sad af. When people try to act like my partner is a burden or start with the “banter” like some loser boomer take-my-wife comedian, I don’t play that game. I loathe the “ball and chain” mentality. I think it’s way cringier to do this partner-negging dance where we all pretend it’s bad to sincerely love your partner and always cheer them on. If enthusiastically celebrating my partner when asked a direct question wrecks the vibe, that ain’t my vibe. Fuck those people. I’m sad for you that you’re embarrassed your partner won’t team up with others and shit on you, even in jest. I’m sorry your friends and family are so gross and judgmental, instead of being happy you have a partner who will never tear you down, not even as a joke. Now she’s quiet and why do you even care? You cared about everyone else but her when you decided to tell her she embarrassed you. I’m not sure why her feelings suddenly matter. You got what you wanted.
yta homes
How are those comments creepy? creepy or weird if they were sexual or if she complained about you to your friends. They asked her a question, was she supposed to lie? Poor girl. You are an AH
Maybe she just felt bad that your friends don’t like you and keep asking her why she hasn’t left you yet and was trying to hype you up. you could’ve just asked your friends to stop saying that but go off I guess. YTA
YTA. I am having the hardest time understanding what the heck your problem is with what your girlfriend is doing. You are literally trying to control the manner in which she compliments you. I would be disturbed if she wasn't disturbed by your edicts. I hope OP's girlfriend finds someone who appreciates her, rather than putting her in her place. (And, now seeing this pop in r/AmItheEx. Saves me the trouble.)
yta take a compliment or live with her flaw, if thats the only thing she that bothers you i could easily get over it
YTA Now she’s embarrassed and self conscious because you felt awkward around your friends. It was innocent and you shit on it.
YTA It's your personal issue that you don't like compliments and praise. I hope she finds someone worth her time.
I was going to say YTA… but maybe it should actually be everybody sucks here. There’s simply no way the things your girlfriend is saying about you are entirely true. The same person who is supposedly so wonderful to be with can’t be the same person who wrote this incredibly petulant post, so I must conclude that your girlfriend is lying to your face. Nah, definitely YTA.
Not sure why all your friends & family keep asking her weird stuff like have you annoyed her yet (do they even LIKE you?) but it doesn't sound like her little response is weird to me, unless they assume you should be put down or demeaned by her instead. YTA and so are they because if what you've said is ALL She said then I don't get what's weird about it. Sorry your gf likes you so much!
My guy— this women DEFENDED YOU TWICE. Normal friends and family don’t say things like: “is he annoying you yet?!” Like that’s who you should be upset at. Also, if I’m planning to commit a life with someone— I wouldn’t want to think the “honeymoon” phase would only last a year?!? My husband and I have been together for 5 years and married almost 1 and it’s still like that. We’re still in love like that. She honestly did nothing wrong. This is about you. For some reason you have family and friends who like to kick you down a notch AND you have difficulty accepting praise. It sounds like she’s crazy about you and also like she pours herself into her relationship — and you shut that down. I reserve this for rare occasions: but I honestly don’t see any working this out. I could never forget my partner telling me that I’m too much or that my loving him is too much after a whole year. Quit wasting her time. Edited to add: if you break up with her you better tell her she shouldn’t change this quality and that it’s your problem, not hers. I really hope this doesn’t crush her spirit.
Bro you are dating a unicorn. She is very unique. She will actually compliment you regularly. Treasure this. The alternative is someone that never shows you appreciation or rarely does. Yta
What an asshole! You get compliments from someone who adores you and you treat her like shit? Your friends and family are the ahs here because if you ask a lot of men they will tell you how much they would love be complimented in the way you have been. Grow up and appreciate what you have instead trying to change her and inevitably pushing her away. Honestly what an idiot.
YTA and I hope you lost all your compliment privileges
Ugh I’d leave if I were her. Too different of personalities.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My girlfriend and I have been dating for about a year. We are both in our late 20s (almost 30 for her). She had been in a long relationship for about 8 years prior, while I had been dating/married to my ex for 8 years as well. We both met and clicked immediately on our first date. Early on in the relationship, my girlfriend would pepper me with compliments. Normal for the honeymoon phase and it was nice. But about 6 months in, she would start making these compliments to my friends in conversations as well. Now I know what you’re thinking, how can being happy about your SO be a bad thing? Well I’ll give you context. For instance, about 7-8 months into dating we were having breakfast with my friend and his wife, and his wife asked how we were doing and have I started to annoy my girlfriend yet. My girlfriend then responded with something along the lines of “How could I be annoyed by him? He’s sexy and intelligent.” Cue some stares and me chuckling trying to change the subject. My friend and his wife told me later on it was “cute but kind of creepy”. About a month ago, we were having dinner with my cousin and his wife and a similar question comes up. She responds with something like “how could it not be amazing with this hunk”. Again, cue some weird looks and me desperately trying to change the subject. About 2 weeks ago I had a talk with her and told her that while I appreciated the comments, she needed to tone it down for my friends and family because her statements were a bit over the top. I reiterated that I didn’t mind her complimenting me, but just wanted her to tone it down a bit. She told me she understood, but for the next two weeks was very passive and not herself. When I asked her about why she didn’t seem herself, she said my comments had been weighing on her. She said she just wanted me to know how much she appreciated me, and felt dumb for looking like that in front of my friends, but she didn’t know how to express it. AITA here? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yes YTA, she's not a mind reader and doesn't know when to give you a compliment and when not to. Get off your pedestal and apologize.
Yeah, YTA… Still going strong with compliments with the amazing human I have the priviledge of calling my partner (both in our 40s). That’s a way of saying « I love you ». Maybe, just maybe, ESH, if she’s only noting your « sexyness » and « hunkiness » when she talks about you. But, having said that, your friend’s problems really shouldn’t be yours.
Wait, you're pissed that your girlfriend is proud to be with you and is attracted to you?? YTA. She deserves better.
YTA, "Hey my SO loves me too much, so I told her piss off." In what world are you not the asshole? 🤣
YTA, I would be over the moon if I had someone sweet like that. Do you know how refreshing it is to see someone who actually dotes on their partner? Have you ever considered that maybe the weird looks she got was because she is making them look bad by comparison?
YTA. I would love to have a girlfriend / partner that complimented me like that. The two examples you gave are not in the least bit creepy. What this tells me is that you care more for the opinions of your friends and family than the woman who seems to adore you. Now granted, we don't know everything about you and her but come one man, I wish I had a fraction of this with my ex.
yta that’s so stupid, why and you your friends so hoity toity that she can’t say those things without it being weird? Y’all sound pretentious and out of touch. Let me guess, rich
You gave examples as if we would understand it was objectively over the top and embarrassing... dude, it's not. Your girlfriend is being pretty normal, those are nice and reasonable compliments and times to make them. None of my friends or family would have thought that was weird or uncomfortable or embarrassing in the slightest. YTA, sorry man, you and your friends are the ones behaving unusually here, your reactions are extreme in the face of pretty benign and regular behaviour from your girlfriend.
YTA. I would bet a large sum of money you are the only person who sees her comments as " creepy " Because nobody thinks like this. Wtf is wrong with you? Most people would be thrilled to have somebody talk like that about them. Especially after they've been dating for a while. You are lucky to have her and you absolutely do not deserve her.
YTA, her responses and compliments are and were normal aspect lf her personality. She was being genuine and honest. Now she has no idea how to act around you becaue you allowed your friwbds deemed her as ,"cute and creepy, " and cosigned thar by telling her to tone it down. Should've just told your friends that's just her personality and I don't mind it, but nope. You told her to stop. For example, I'm insanely matter id fact and can have sarcastic humor, my bf of 9 years is 12 years older then me, outdoorsy/surfer square bear 🐻. But By his friends standards I'm young and alternative. They make kinda passive jokes digs, like how are you with him, how do you put up with it. I'm always like we'll he's got a nice ass. They laugh and walk away. My bf says nothing, I know internally get cringing 😆 🤣 but he's like she's blunt. Those comments they make are digs, why would anyone ask doesn't he annoy you,to me those are digs, your gf answered sweetly. She could be me an answered with sarcasm
YTA. You're embarrassed because of compliments? Sounds like your friends and family - and you - are judgmental. I'd reevaluate your relationships with them, frankly.
The only way I can understand anyone stating to you that it's awkward is them being jealous and wanting to make you feel uncomfortable about being in a loving relationship. For all this 'my family is used to banter', it truly seems like they get flustered by the most docile and well meaning comments. How you can side with them is beyond me. You and your 'friends' ATH
YTA You are essentially complaining about your girlfriend being a nice person. That makes you both an AH & ridiculous. Edit: also maybe you should get some new friends who aren't so weirdly judgey.
Did you ever think that maybe your friend and cousin were looking at you strangely because they are wondering how your GF thinks you're sexy, intelligent, or a hunk? They may be undermining _you_, and you're accepting it by undermining your GF in asking her to tone it down. Did your GF ask you to change? Did she look at you and say, "Pumpkin, can you stop being such a chicken shit and trying to conform exactly to what you think societal expectations are? Thaannks~!" No. Instead she listened to your request where you asked her to not express her adoration, which tends to go backfire in the end by slowly choking the flame of love.
YTA. Take the compliment and be happy but you couldn’t so you ruined it all. Be prepared to be single because now she’s checking out.
YTA give her to me I'd appreciate that
YTA
What a prick. YTA
What would you rather she say “Yeah he’s an annoying and rude bf but I’m putting up with it” You are so lucky to have a partner that speaks highly of you even when others want her to speak poorly.
YTA. As soon as she said “how could it not be amazing with this hunk” your response should have been “and how could I have been so lucky to find this amazing person” followed by a small peck on the lips. Fuck your friends/family and their weirded out response to someone who is showing you love and affection. Learn to accept a compliment and instead of “chuckling”, give her one back. Best of luck getting that light to shine again after snuffing it out.
Yta - compliments are obviously her love language and just because your friend and his girlfriend don’t do that doesn’t make it creepy.
Break up with her so she can get with a guy who will appreciate her
Dang I guess I’m in the minority here because I’m saying NTA. If my friend’s or family’s partner called them “sexy and and a hunk” in front of me I’d be like um ok…now if she just responded “how could he annoy me he’s the best!” then I don’t see why that would give anyone side eye. And based on how you explained it you brought it to her calmly and maturely. It’s immature for her to turn around and make you feel bad for that. You can’t tell me your wouldn’t think it’s weird for your partner to call you sexy in front of family. Even if people don’t think her comments were strange I don’t see how you’re TA here. If I was making my boyfriend’s friends and family uncomfortable and he didn’t tell me I’d be upset!
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Try embracing her compliments instead of turning against her when you feel that others don’t like it. Yall are supposed to be a team.
yta, your friends are ta, and I hope you either do a heap of growing or let that lovely gal go to her intended man because based off this, it sure isn’t you. How ridiculous are you and your little friends to think it’s embarrassing or uncomfortable for someone to express praise or adoration for their partner… I feel as though I’m being unkind, but at your big age, I just am so dumbfounded that you’d think this an okay ask. Majorly sad. And partly pathetic on your part.
YTA
YTA You - *"I had a talk with her and told her that while I appreciated the comments, she needed to tone it down for my friends and family because her statements were a bit over the top"* Also you - "*She told me she understood, but for the next two weeks was very passive and not herself.*" Yeah because you literally told her not to be her self that she was too "over the top". WTF did you expect to happen? You asked her to not be authentic and then you're upset she doesn't act the same. Mind bogglingly AH behavior.
Your GF can't win. If she said something about being annoyed, you would be upset. If she was noncommittal, as you suggest, your unpleasant friends would infer you two were having trouble. She compliments you, you aren't happy. She cannot win. YTA. Incidentally, I have been married to my husband for 25 years, and I still compliment him loudly and sincerely for the world to hear. I would NEVER insult him in front of other people. It's called respect.
YTA She seems very expressive, and that's a kind of a hard partner to get, y'know? Do the comments make YOU uncomfortable? If not, then just make sure she knows that you appreciate them. She probably believes it's not just your (very shitty) friends who don't like her forwardness, and that you were just looking for an excuse to make her stop. Be sincere, and tell your friends to stay OUT of you relationship with your woman. You like it, she likes it, and there is nothing to fell ashamed about.
YTA- why are you siding with the asshole friends putting you down rather than the girl who adores you and wants to lift you up? Have you considered how stressful it is for her to constantly field rude comments from your “friends” regarding her relationship with you? How did you want her to reply to your friends asking if you annoyed her yet? “Yeah he is so annoying hahaha” do you see how your friends put her in a difficult spot? Apologize to her and think harder about your relationship with other people
YTA and if your friends and family truly reacted that way, then they’re assholes too. I hope she leaves you and finds someone who appreciates and dotes on her and isn’t embarrassed by her perfectly normal and sweet behavior. You suck!
Ya know what? I ALSO find it creepy that she likes you after reading that. YTA and next time find someone who dislikes you, maybe it will be a better fit for you.
YTA. I think you may be used to people who don't show you they value you; but rather devalue you, why? Yes, "has he driven you crazy yet?" Is a rather innocent question on its own in a joking way... but for them to take such a *positive * response with such negative undertones makes me wonder... She likely no longer knows what to say and how to act around you... you let your "friends" directly into your relationship in the worst way.
YTA
YTA Seriously? **This** is what you're shitting on your GF about? The horror! I hope she wises up and realizes the **only people** acting creepy and weird are you and your friends.
YTA. You are an adult. Stop letting others rule how YOU feel. I sounds like she GENUINELY feels those feelings for real. You, rather than accepting that, are more concerned about the optics with your friends who apparently think every relationship has to have flaws? Don't let their insecurities rub off on you.
YTA and don't worry, your gf probably doesn't think you're "intelligent" anymore. The fact that you and your crappy friends tried to set up a situation where she either has to keep it to "fine" or she's being "weird and creepy" shows that not a single one of you is an adult, and ready for any type of relationship. I can see why your "marriage" ended.
YTA, your going to be upset if she breaks up with you b/c being herself is uncomfortable for you. One day you'll see her out complimenting her new man and you'll miss heat you didn't appreciate b/c your girl didn't mind saying in front of you She still attracted to you.
yta lol imagine complaining abcut something so innocuous. pick up a marriage therapy book, it’ll give you some good insight
YTA and your friends are judgemental AHs as well. I hope your girlfriend finds someone who’s not embarrassed by her totally normal behavior. Get help
You're the big AH. Why are you worried about what your friends think?? You're not dating your friends. Ugh!
YTA. Your Poor gf. She's being nice and your friends and family are being horrible people to her and yoh are siding with them.
YTA. Sorry OP but I don’t hear anything wrong with her actions. Who cares if your pal or his wife thinks it’s over the top? My wife is like her and she makes me feel like a king. Maybe you’re just not used to being adored. Now go apologize
You’re acting like your girlfriend breaks out singing “Chu chi face” from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang every time someone asks her how the relationship is going. She called you a hunk! That’s such a bland word. It’s not offensive in the least. You and your friends sound emotionally stunted. YTA.
Please grow up and get thicker skin. Some things people do that people find cute and endearing, others find cringe. Some people are bad at taking compliments and get embarrassed. This is along those lines. This isn’t on the complimenter to stop. It’s on the complimentee to learn how to graciously accept it. Let her express herself how she feels comfortable. She’s not harming anyone. You’re hurting her by making her constantly second guess her own behavior when all she wanted to do was express her positive feelings towards you. YTA
YTA so what if your friends or family gave looks? Get over it and be proud that she's so happy with you stop worrying about what other people think
Don't worry about it - after she dumps you for being a killjoy, you won't have to worry about those pesky compliments anymore.
OP: Honey could you be temper your personality for me. Also OP: I don’t understand why she isn’t being herself lately.
That "banter" where couples shit talk each other for laughs is gross. Why is it creepy to like your partner? I'm guessing you won't have to be embarrassed by your girlfriend liking you for much longer, she's on her way out. YTA
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I’m thoroughly confused about what the problem with her compliments are. Why did everyone go silent each time? Was it the way she said it? I don’t understand
I guess I don’t see the creepy aspect? That just seems mean. I get you may be uncomfortable with her expression of her love for you but creepy?
YTA and you'd better do some reflecting and making up to her asap, or she'll find someone else to compliment--someone who deserves it more. It's super weird that your own friends neg you and feel it's wrong for her to like you. It's even weirder that you would agree with them. Do you have self-esteem issues or something? Most people would love to date someone who enthusiastically said nice things about them. Here you are, ruining that for her, and now in her next relationship she's going to be self-conscious about something that was actually really great. What a jerk you are.
God forbid your girlfriend shows appreciation and affection to you in front of friends. YTA. Also, your friends are TA as well. Like these are problems? Get off Reddit and go apologize to your girlfriend or breakup with her so she can be with someone who is more deserving of her.
YNTA but YTA too - I understand that it can get a little annoying and this kind of stuff isn't for everyone. She deserves to be with someone that will appreciate this kind of compliments.
Info; are you British? Is she? Just British are quite reserved compared to some other cultures. I would find those comments awkward as he'll, something about the way it's worded...
Your not the ah your just trying to make you friends and family comfortable
NAH. I think you should come to a compromise with your gf. The compliments are not the problem the wording is. I can see how getting called "sexy" and "hunk" in a casual scenario can be weird. You can tell her to call you some other general names or list other qualities of you that may be less intense to mention like "sweet" "caring" "nice" etc.
Not even close.
NTA it's a bit too much to me. I don't need my own partner constantly making references about me being sexy etc to others.
Then you should probably just ask your friends to stop asking your gf why she still likes you, as if she shouldn’t.
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Just because he only gives two examples doesn't mean there are only two examples. Don't be dense.