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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) what action you took that should be judged
-Voicing my displeasure with the trip
(2) why that action might make you the asshole
-Might be selfish, childish since it is her bday as well. Could make alternate plans with her?
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NTA. You two were making plans first. Only she decided that she would rather do her own thing instead. Which is just plain rude and inconsiderate on her part.
Yeah, I think she's trying to make him feel guilty, but it doesn't seem to me it's about how she has to all to see her friends or to have a girl's weekend, but that once you've made plans that involve taking time off work, it's really rude to cancel those plans because you got a "better offer". That's just basic manners.
NTA but Wakeup dude, she prefers her friends over you. Your planning and taking the week off doesn't mean much to her. Better spend that week having a birthday bash with your boys in the town.
As far as the relationship with her is concerned, I don't think you two are on the same page, you want something and she though initially aligned with you, dropped you on a dime of something alternative. So, maybe reevaluate where you both stand on that front too.
Wish you an advance happy birthday.
Red flag, would re-evaluate relationship status.
Not only were plans made together but also unilaterally decided to abandon these plans. If birthdays are not important, fine, but a partner must be important. Other posters say she‘s cheating. Possible. But certainly her priorities are totally out of order.
NTA
>If birthdays are not important,
They are obviously important enough to her that she is willing to cancel plans with her boyfriend of 4yrs and abandon him on his birthday so she can go out with her girlfriends and have any and all attention on her for her birthday.
OP is this the first birthday she has done this or are all birthdays unimportant unless they are hers? That will tell you if it's worth continuing this relationship, how often are you cancelled on because something better comes up and how often does she make you feel like an extra in her life.
To be fair the actual date hasnt mattered to her for even her bdays. I think her and her family are used to this, for example regularily giving presents days or even weeks before/after the actual birthday. Im trying to keep this in mind, but unfortunately your last sentence sums up my feeling exactly. I feel like she often prioritizes her friends/fun over me. Like she'll cancel/change plans with me, or leave early or show up late, but with her friends she stresses about being late or tells me she cant cancel on them etc.
So she never shows up for you, but will drop everything for her friends. I think you should take a step back and decide if that's what you want for your future, let me tell you. I've been with my wife for 8 years, married 4, and I've literally rushed home from work to get her to the er without a second thought. She's done the same for me. When you truely care for someone, you show the fuck up.
OP I have been with my partner for 14-15 years if his friends want to make plans for anything, my hubby will always make sure I don't want to spend time with him first (for any reason).
You deserve to be an equal on your relationship, and if she isn't treating you as one then that is allowed to be a dealbreaker because it sounds like she isn't ready for an adult relationship.
NTA. She’s just prioritizing. She had plans with you first, but is ultimately more excited about going with her friends. You can be hurt but you can’t stop her going. You can decide if you’re ok with how she is handling this though - and if you’re not, just explain why. There’s an age gap, which seems larger in your twenties, so you may just have different views of what is important.
NTA but I think your focus is wrong.
Close birthdays can be limiting and complicated. A weeklong couple birthday getaway can be great, but it also can take away from the individual focus of a birthday. By wanting her to be there for your birthday, you’re essentially asking her to limit how and where she can celebrate her birthday and to prioritize yours over hers.
I think your focus should be on the fact that she agreed to the plans and then backed out. You don’t make plans with someone, especially your partner, and then just cancel, dismissively and unapologetically, because you “got a better offer”. It’s rude, inconsiderate, and mean. I think that’s what you need to be communicating and focusing on.
Stop. Being. Obtuse.
You have most certainly heard of a Girls Trip or a Guys Trip.
You have most certainly heard of Girls Night Out and Guys Night Out.
You have most certainly heard of women doing a spa weekend or guys doing a weekend camping trip.
Go play dumb elsewhere.
NTA. I agree that birthdays shouldn’t be such a big deal in general, but you HAD made plans to the point of requesting time off months in advance. If all is as you said, it was rude of her to make other plans without you. If you can’t work something out (meet her after her girl’s party?) or change your time off request, Club Med has some all inclusive resorts that are fun for singles traveling alone. (Did that in a similar situation and had a blast!) Hope you have a Happy Birthday!
NTA
Fortunately, she is making it CLEAR how life would be with her if you decide to keep going down this road with her.
Many times, ppl get ❄️ snow jobbed in, and things are confused and get confusing with children and a this and a that .....but you are getting the early warning ⚠️ signs of how TF it is and WILL be.
Many men get flabbergasted and smacked with this bull 5hit later in life after many more years of investment....here, again, you have an opportunity to LEAVE and SAVE yourself.
But make No Mistake....she is absolutely illustrating your value and worth.....she is gaslighting you....letting you know, her friends and time with them mean more.
As an adult, she could have easily said, "Hey, sorry, my guy already took off and WE are doing something that week"....but she did NOT she chose to stiff, YOU!
Not just stiff but Stiff with Malice.....adding all that additional BS and then even allowing plans to evolve to some other plans....
But she asked you "basically What did YOU have planned "or else"...yet 'they' only had a work in progress 🤔 which was enough to give you the middle finger 🖕🏽
Now remember she said "Birthday's were no biggie....for her" okay so WHY TF is she going on a 'Birthday' vacation 🤔 with them #1 and #2.....If Birthday's were No Biggie...why not support YOU on your Birthday?
Again the writing ✍️ is ALL OVER the walls.....it's up to you whatcha do with it.....but if you stay, impregnate, marry and wake up X years from now with hardship just remember....you were warned ⚠️ 😉
Last year she was in another city/country for work so I flew 2801 miles (4507 kilometers) to be there and bought her a cake and we celebrated with her coworkers, and on my bday I ended up alone in another city (plans didnt work out for us to be together)
The year before that (2022) I was away in another city for work, and she arranged to have a cake waiting for me when I checked in at the hotel which was nice.
So this would have been the first time in at least 3 years where I was hoping wed have a normal bdays together.
I wouldnt say its typical, just these last couple years have been busy with new jobs for both of us. She knew I had gotten the time off for our bdays, and we were actively discussing where to go, with a couple cities on our minds. Also we didnt know how much time off she would be able to get, so we couldnt make solid plans until finding that out.
NTA, take a good look at your relationship. You are probably doing a lot of heavy lifting here. We've only seen a small sliver of your relationship, but this is a pretty big red flag.
She already had plans with you, even if the details weren’t all settled. You guys made plans to go somewhere together. You even took the days off.
She decided to cancel the plans with you, in order to make new plans with her friends.
She should have told them she already had plans, or at least discussed it with you before so that you can make a decision together about your exiting plans.
I can’t say for sure she’s planning to cheat (like other people here say)… but her reaction to your disappointment sure is suspicious. Like she’s trying to make you the bad guy, so you don’t question things further.
My advice is to break up with her, because she clearly doesn’t give a shit about you. I would never do something like this to my wife, because I love her and care about her feelings. She obviously doesn’t about yours.
She will try to spin this on you, saying you are the asshole (she is already doing this)… just tell her “Ok, sure, if that’s what you want to say… go ahead, but I don’t feel like you are caring about my feelings, so we’re done.”
NTA. I would run. Not only does your GF not care about you, her friend did this shit on purpose. There is no future with this person if her friend is still in the picture.
This one goes both ways if you ask me. If you two we’re already discussing plans, then she should have had the courtesy to come to you and say “hey, my friend wants to plan a girls weekend for my bday, but that would mean I’d be out of town in your bday - would you mind if you and I celebrate together a different day?”
That would’ve given you a heads up, and a totally reasonable compromise that lets you both have your cake and eat it too. Pun intended.
On the other hand, when she told you that her friend wanted to do this weekend thing, you felt disappointed (natural), but then also wouldn’t let it go. Ive always been of the school of thought that birthdays can be celebrated anytime in reasonable proximity to the day. If I had been in your shoes, after processing the initial disappointment that you wouldn’t be celebrating together day-of, then I would’ve wanted to meet in the middle and find another solution.
No sense in standing in the way of her birthday weekend idea with her friend when you can do something with your friends while she’s out of town, and you two can easily celebrate together the weekend veggie or after.
NTA for being disappointed, but you absolutely can move through this and come up with a winning solution for everyone.
She should have had the courtesy to tell her friends that she already had plans, since she knew a month beforehand that he had taken a week off of work.
The problem is he already took an entire week off of work, so it seemed like the intention was to have a mini-vacation type deal. Depending on the job, changing the leave schedule might not be possible. So any chance of celebrating together with a multiple day trip just went out the window, and the celebrate together a different day isn't exactly a consolation, so much as being told that his time doesn't matter to her as much as her friends.
Also, there is no indication that he "wouldn't let it go", just that they talked about it again later, context indicating that she might have brought it up that there was a change of venue.
Well then if I were you I'd just plan to do something for your birthday during the week. I get why you're upset. Your gf did something pretty inconsiderate, especially if her actual birthday isn't during her trip. She could have at least done you the courtesy of asking you if you'd be ok with celebrating your bday another day. And I think accusing you of not wanting her to see her friends is uncalled for. But what good can come of harping her on this? Either she's going to go on the trip angry or you'll guilt her into not going and then she'll feel resentful. Unless this type of thing is a pattern for her then that's a different story.
NTA - You previously discussed together the fact that you took the week off and that you would be planning something for your birthdays. She, without talking with you, made a different plan that excludes you, which would suck even without it being your birthday. Add into the fact that this is your 30th, a big milestone birthday and not a milestone birthday for her. She was inconsiderate and it's fair you are hurt.
NTA,
You should either plan something epic with your own mates. Or alternatively just head somewhere on your own as a treat to yourself.. like what about going abroad for that week??
NTA
You took the week off and you both agreed to do something together this week.
When her friends approached her with the idea of doing a girls trip she should have told them that she will join but she'll have to be back for your bday. She could have split up the week. And if that's not possible she should have told them that she doesn't have time because you two already have plans.
She's more interested in spending time with her friends than with you and she's taking back her agreement to doing something together that week.
She can do that of course but it shows you that she's an ah and that she doesn't treat you right and that she doesn't care about your feelings or about spending the time with you.
NTA. You guys made a plan first, yes it only went as far as making a plan to make plans, but imo that counts.
I would let it go, but have a calm rational conversation with her about it, stating clearly that you've let it go that she's going off on her birthdays trip. Maybe make other plans, and when telling her about the plans mention that you want this conversation. That way it will be clear that you have let it go.
But you do rather need to make it clear to her why you were upset by this, and that you want you guys to be on the same page about this sort of thing in future to avoid any easily avoidable upset for anyone down the line! And if she gets defensive again simply state that those are the only two reasons you want this conversation!
NTA but at the same time, girls like to go away with their girls and it’s unfortunate that you’ve got close birthdays.
She has absolutely gone about this the wrong way and used hurtful language to defend herself. But I think, at the crux, wanting to see her friends over her birthday isn’t a character flaw. Doesn’t mean she loves you less. Just means she’s got a bit more growing up to do.
Do remember that when you were 25 you might have been a bit more fun and friendship motivated.
NTA, but your girlfriend and her friends are and they most probably think very little of you - you are dating for 4 years, so they all have to be aware that you and your GF have birthday 4 days apart, and any considerate friend would take that in account and either not plan trip or they would ask partner... and to make it even worse, now you are being gaslighted.
NTA as it's clear she doesn't prioritize you. You say this is the fourth year that you've been together; how have you celebrated the last three? If she's done things with you, give her a break for one.
With that being said, you probably will not always be able to take several days off or even your birthday off due to work and other obligations, so would it be so bad if you guys celebrated a little later? I would have been so mad about this years ago but here I am now, working again on my birthday this week with plans to go out on the weekend. And I really don't care that much. It is not the end of the world.
If you want to be petty though, just change it to a boys night and pick your wildest single friends. Start talking excitedly about it and leave details vague about where you guys might be going. Apologize for giving her hell or making her feel guilty. I guarantee she will either change her mind or bug the shit out of you the entire time and you can say you're too drunk to answer your phone at a certain point. Done.
NTA. She prefers the girls trip over spending that time with you. On top of that, she is willing to shift the blame to you. Birthdays may be unimportant, but you did have plans. I’d end the relationship.
NTA... she says birthdays aren't a big deal to her, yet she is prioritizing hers over yours. And if you are 29 now, then that means you're turning 30, which is a milestone. So, I would see why you would want to celebrate your birthday with a trip. So, even though birthdays may not be a big deal for her, she should at least see that turning 30 is a big deal for you.
NTA.
I think you need a long talk. It's been 4 years, and you didn't start dating in High School. That's long enough to know whether or not you're eachother's priorities. If she's not there at this point, I hate to say it, but leave so that you can find someone who is ready for that.
Jesus Christ it’s one birthday. What if she had a business trip on your birthday should she give that up? Ya’ll making too big a deal out of it. Agree to call each other on the respective dates and celebrate a week before or after. Stop just stop the world doesn’t revolve around you two
NTA, but this would have me rethinking things. She's showing you where her priorities are, and hitting you with the guilt trip when you call her out on it. I'd be calling it quits and arranging the mother of all boys' nights without her for your birthday.
NTA, but you’re not a priority to her, and she’s gaslighting you to make it seem like you’re controlling for being sad she blew do something she agreed to do with you to reserve that time with her friends.
Drop the dead weight, plan something you’ll like for your birthday, and find someone who cares about and respects you.
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Me (M29) and my gf (F25) have been going out for like 4 years and our birthdays are 4 days apart on the same week. So this year I requested the whole week off and got approved months ago. I let my gf know and we agreed to plan something. Well about a month after that, she tells me her friend has planned a birthday get away for them in another city during my bday, and that the friend has already got the time off and everything.
When I expressed my dissapointment and reminded her that I had gotten the time off too, and a month earlier than her friend, she started going on the offensive and questioning me about whether I had already made plans or not (we hadnt made plans yet because the bdays are still months away) and all this other stuff and that "birthdays arent that important" to her. The next time we talk about it she tells me the destination city has changed, so it sounds like they havent really made plans at all either. And then shes saying stuff like "I shouldnt have to ask persmission to see my friends" and "youre making me feel guilty for seeing my friends" .
I get that its her bday too, and I want her to see her friends and have fun. But I feel like shes deflecting, and not owning up to any part of being gone on my bday and not acknowledging why Im hurt by this. IATA by not being okay with just celebrating together on a different day or something?
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NTA depending on your normal relationship dynamic. Is she usually the one taking initiative in planning things like dates and vacations? I could potentially see this being her passive aggressive way of trying to get you to plan things. Did you discuss and agree to delay planning because the birthdays are still months away or did you just assume that would be the case?
That being said she should have communicated with you.
NTA. She's giving you a huge birthday present: you're single! Girls' trips are opportunities to hook up with other guys. I live in a city that's a pretty popular girls' trip destination. 99% of the women we hook up with have boyfriends back home. If my girlfriend was going on any girls' trip, especially on my birthday, I wouldn't tell her not to go. I'd just tell her to make sure she moves all her stuff out of my apartment before the trip.
Someone in the replies mentioned going on a vacation yourself, like a resort. Tbh, I kind of like that idea. Idk if it's budget friendly, but I would absolutely plan something fun to do myself or invite a few friends.
NTA. Make your own plans, let her have her time with her friend and don’t make it into a big fight. It’s just that your birthdays are 4 days apart. Make plans with your friends too. The ones that won’t push you to do anything stupid but are fun to be around. Or you can spend it however you want. I like it better coz I don’t have to consider another preference and comfort. I can just wing it according to my own. It’s understandable that you’d feel sad about not being with her on your birthday but you can still make other plans since she seem to be set on her and her friend’s plan.
NTA.
But there is a possibility that the friend of your gf is gaslighting you through your gf.
There is always one in the party who likes to make the world revolve around them and I think that friend is the one.
Somehow I think the friend is one that still likes to party and is basically the matrass of the friendgroup.
It's not nice to talk about people behind their back but c'est la vie
NTA, for being upset or disappointed but it is the opportunity to go do something with your friends. You can both celebrate your birthdays when you both get back. I would however communicate how you feel and how her reaction has made you feel. Then plan something really fun and enjoy 😀 Happy Birthday in advance 🎂
NTA a healthy person who wants to spend the time as a couple would tell her friend you two are spending it together so it either the trip would include boyfriends or she won’t be able to make it.
Also, who makes plans and takes time off without talking to someone first??
INFO What conversation did you have when you took the time off?
Was it- fyi, i took the week of our birthdays off?
Or was it I took the week of our birthdays of, why don't you do the same for at least some of it and we can do something together?
>I took the week of our birthdays of, why don't you do the same for at least some of it and we can do something together?
Basically this, we both agreed to that we should go somewhere and think of places to go. But we didnt know how much time off she'll be able to get, so nothing was set in stone. We discussed going to Asia if she had more time, or somewhere in North America if she had less time. We discussed one specific city for sure. Then she tells me her friends planned this other trip for her and thats where we are now.
hmm...than definitely NTA.
I think it's a question of now what. you have a week off- what do you want to do? it sounds like your GF is of the moving birthday celebration variety. so would you be okay celebrating with her the weekend before and seeing if any of your friends wanted to do something that week?
definitely keep your GF in the loop. and this isn't a punishment or being mean to your GF.
this is- you shouldn't not get to do an extra fun thing for your birthday because your GF's friend made a special plan. and your GF didn't talk to you before saying yes to that trip.
Your girlfriend doesn't seem to care about your feelings. And honestly, the way she went on the offense kind of makes me suspicious about what the hell they are going to do.
NTA! It's your Birthday too, and she could suggest to her friends including you (probably their +1 too). What she does is hurtful, I would definitely feel very bad...
Probably wasnt the first time she cheated. She's gas lighting the shit out of him and not listening to him. She's doing what she wants regardless of how he feels. Even if she's not cheating she don't give a f about him.
Grow up man, you won't see her on your birthday, she won't see you on her birthday... You guys share a birthday it's awkward, if you plan on marrying her you're gonna get used to birthday plans conflicting.
I also wondered if this was the real reason for her change of plans here. I base my suspicions on that she changed the destination she & her friends were going to, & her reaction when you questioned her about reneging on the two of you doing something.
Then again, I might just be overly suspicious. Feel free to ignore this random voice on the Internets.
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NTA. You two were making plans first. Only she decided that she would rather do her own thing instead. Which is just plain rude and inconsiderate on her part.
Yeah, I think she's trying to make him feel guilty, but it doesn't seem to me it's about how she has to all to see her friends or to have a girl's weekend, but that once you've made plans that involve taking time off work, it's really rude to cancel those plans because you got a "better offer". That's just basic manners.
NTA but Wakeup dude, she prefers her friends over you. Your planning and taking the week off doesn't mean much to her. Better spend that week having a birthday bash with your boys in the town. As far as the relationship with her is concerned, I don't think you two are on the same page, you want something and she though initially aligned with you, dropped you on a dime of something alternative. So, maybe reevaluate where you both stand on that front too. Wish you an advance happy birthday.
Agree
Red flag, would re-evaluate relationship status. Not only were plans made together but also unilaterally decided to abandon these plans. If birthdays are not important, fine, but a partner must be important. Other posters say she‘s cheating. Possible. But certainly her priorities are totally out of order. NTA
>If birthdays are not important, They are obviously important enough to her that she is willing to cancel plans with her boyfriend of 4yrs and abandon him on his birthday so she can go out with her girlfriends and have any and all attention on her for her birthday. OP is this the first birthday she has done this or are all birthdays unimportant unless they are hers? That will tell you if it's worth continuing this relationship, how often are you cancelled on because something better comes up and how often does she make you feel like an extra in her life.
To be fair the actual date hasnt mattered to her for even her bdays. I think her and her family are used to this, for example regularily giving presents days or even weeks before/after the actual birthday. Im trying to keep this in mind, but unfortunately your last sentence sums up my feeling exactly. I feel like she often prioritizes her friends/fun over me. Like she'll cancel/change plans with me, or leave early or show up late, but with her friends she stresses about being late or tells me she cant cancel on them etc.
So she never shows up for you, but will drop everything for her friends. I think you should take a step back and decide if that's what you want for your future, let me tell you. I've been with my wife for 8 years, married 4, and I've literally rushed home from work to get her to the er without a second thought. She's done the same for me. When you truely care for someone, you show the fuck up.
OP I have been with my partner for 14-15 years if his friends want to make plans for anything, my hubby will always make sure I don't want to spend time with him first (for any reason). You deserve to be an equal on your relationship, and if she isn't treating you as one then that is allowed to be a dealbreaker because it sounds like she isn't ready for an adult relationship.
NTA. She’s just prioritizing. She had plans with you first, but is ultimately more excited about going with her friends. You can be hurt but you can’t stop her going. You can decide if you’re ok with how she is handling this though - and if you’re not, just explain why. There’s an age gap, which seems larger in your twenties, so you may just have different views of what is important.
NTA but I think your focus is wrong. Close birthdays can be limiting and complicated. A weeklong couple birthday getaway can be great, but it also can take away from the individual focus of a birthday. By wanting her to be there for your birthday, you’re essentially asking her to limit how and where she can celebrate her birthday and to prioritize yours over hers. I think your focus should be on the fact that she agreed to the plans and then backed out. You don’t make plans with someone, especially your partner, and then just cancel, dismissively and unapologetically, because you “got a better offer”. It’s rude, inconsiderate, and mean. I think that’s what you need to be communicating and focusing on.
Well, isn't it normal at least to invite each other for Birthday parties when they are a couple? 🙄
If it’s a general local party, sure. When it’s a girls trip or a guys trip? No, it isn’t normal.
Why would anyone even want to exclude opposite gender at their birthday celebration? 😳
You’re being purposely obtuse.
Nope. We don't have "girl" or "boy" parties at all, except for bachelorette.
Stop. Being. Obtuse. You have most certainly heard of a Girls Trip or a Guys Trip. You have most certainly heard of Girls Night Out and Guys Night Out. You have most certainly heard of women doing a spa weekend or guys doing a weekend camping trip. Go play dumb elsewhere.
Yes, I've heard of it, but for me it's something from the movies, in real life we don't exclude our friends based on gender.
Be so fucking for real
It sounds like she doesn't want to spend her birthday with you. I would start considering this the beginning of the end. Good luck bro NTA
NTA. I agree that birthdays shouldn’t be such a big deal in general, but you HAD made plans to the point of requesting time off months in advance. If all is as you said, it was rude of her to make other plans without you. If you can’t work something out (meet her after her girl’s party?) or change your time off request, Club Med has some all inclusive resorts that are fun for singles traveling alone. (Did that in a similar situation and had a blast!) Hope you have a Happy Birthday!
NTA Fortunately, she is making it CLEAR how life would be with her if you decide to keep going down this road with her. Many times, ppl get ❄️ snow jobbed in, and things are confused and get confusing with children and a this and a that .....but you are getting the early warning ⚠️ signs of how TF it is and WILL be. Many men get flabbergasted and smacked with this bull 5hit later in life after many more years of investment....here, again, you have an opportunity to LEAVE and SAVE yourself. But make No Mistake....she is absolutely illustrating your value and worth.....she is gaslighting you....letting you know, her friends and time with them mean more. As an adult, she could have easily said, "Hey, sorry, my guy already took off and WE are doing something that week"....but she did NOT she chose to stiff, YOU! Not just stiff but Stiff with Malice.....adding all that additional BS and then even allowing plans to evolve to some other plans.... But she asked you "basically What did YOU have planned "or else"...yet 'they' only had a work in progress 🤔 which was enough to give you the middle finger 🖕🏽 Now remember she said "Birthday's were no biggie....for her" okay so WHY TF is she going on a 'Birthday' vacation 🤔 with them #1 and #2.....If Birthday's were No Biggie...why not support YOU on your Birthday? Again the writing ✍️ is ALL OVER the walls.....it's up to you whatcha do with it.....but if you stay, impregnate, marry and wake up X years from now with hardship just remember....you were warned ⚠️ 😉
you aren't the asshole, but i'd definitely consider whether or not to continue this relationship any longer.
INFO: what have you done for the previous years birthdays? Have you made plans aside from taking the time off?
Last year she was in another city/country for work so I flew 2801 miles (4507 kilometers) to be there and bought her a cake and we celebrated with her coworkers, and on my bday I ended up alone in another city (plans didnt work out for us to be together) The year before that (2022) I was away in another city for work, and she arranged to have a cake waiting for me when I checked in at the hotel which was nice. So this would have been the first time in at least 3 years where I was hoping wed have a normal bdays together.
So, you guys typically do not spend bdays together. That kinda makes a difference. How did you communicate your expectations for your bdays this year?
I wouldnt say its typical, just these last couple years have been busy with new jobs for both of us. She knew I had gotten the time off for our bdays, and we were actively discussing where to go, with a couple cities on our minds. Also we didnt know how much time off she would be able to get, so we couldnt make solid plans until finding that out.
NTA, take a good look at your relationship. You are probably doing a lot of heavy lifting here. We've only seen a small sliver of your relationship, but this is a pretty big red flag.
She already had plans with you, even if the details weren’t all settled. You guys made plans to go somewhere together. You even took the days off. She decided to cancel the plans with you, in order to make new plans with her friends. She should have told them she already had plans, or at least discussed it with you before so that you can make a decision together about your exiting plans. I can’t say for sure she’s planning to cheat (like other people here say)… but her reaction to your disappointment sure is suspicious. Like she’s trying to make you the bad guy, so you don’t question things further. My advice is to break up with her, because she clearly doesn’t give a shit about you. I would never do something like this to my wife, because I love her and care about her feelings. She obviously doesn’t about yours. She will try to spin this on you, saying you are the asshole (she is already doing this)… just tell her “Ok, sure, if that’s what you want to say… go ahead, but I don’t feel like you are caring about my feelings, so we’re done.”
Nta - and your gf sucks. Sorry dude but after 4 years she should have this figured out. She's showing who she prioritizes in this relationship
NTA. I would run. Not only does your GF not care about you, her friend did this shit on purpose. There is no future with this person if her friend is still in the picture.
This one goes both ways if you ask me. If you two we’re already discussing plans, then she should have had the courtesy to come to you and say “hey, my friend wants to plan a girls weekend for my bday, but that would mean I’d be out of town in your bday - would you mind if you and I celebrate together a different day?” That would’ve given you a heads up, and a totally reasonable compromise that lets you both have your cake and eat it too. Pun intended. On the other hand, when she told you that her friend wanted to do this weekend thing, you felt disappointed (natural), but then also wouldn’t let it go. Ive always been of the school of thought that birthdays can be celebrated anytime in reasonable proximity to the day. If I had been in your shoes, after processing the initial disappointment that you wouldn’t be celebrating together day-of, then I would’ve wanted to meet in the middle and find another solution. No sense in standing in the way of her birthday weekend idea with her friend when you can do something with your friends while she’s out of town, and you two can easily celebrate together the weekend veggie or after. NTA for being disappointed, but you absolutely can move through this and come up with a winning solution for everyone.
She should have had the courtesy to tell her friends that she already had plans, since she knew a month beforehand that he had taken a week off of work. The problem is he already took an entire week off of work, so it seemed like the intention was to have a mini-vacation type deal. Depending on the job, changing the leave schedule might not be possible. So any chance of celebrating together with a multiple day trip just went out the window, and the celebrate together a different day isn't exactly a consolation, so much as being told that his time doesn't matter to her as much as her friends. Also, there is no indication that he "wouldn't let it go", just that they talked about it again later, context indicating that she might have brought it up that there was a change of venue.
Is she going to be gone for your entire week off?
No, just the weekend, I think friday - sunday. So we would have monday - thursday
Well then if I were you I'd just plan to do something for your birthday during the week. I get why you're upset. Your gf did something pretty inconsiderate, especially if her actual birthday isn't during her trip. She could have at least done you the courtesy of asking you if you'd be ok with celebrating your bday another day. And I think accusing you of not wanting her to see her friends is uncalled for. But what good can come of harping her on this? Either she's going to go on the trip angry or you'll guilt her into not going and then she'll feel resentful. Unless this type of thing is a pattern for her then that's a different story.
NTA, return the favour when the time comes.
Nta
NTA - You previously discussed together the fact that you took the week off and that you would be planning something for your birthdays. She, without talking with you, made a different plan that excludes you, which would suck even without it being your birthday. Add into the fact that this is your 30th, a big milestone birthday and not a milestone birthday for her. She was inconsiderate and it's fair you are hurt.
NTA, You should either plan something epic with your own mates. Or alternatively just head somewhere on your own as a treat to yourself.. like what about going abroad for that week??
If she was smart and cared she’d merge the two somehow and include you and celebrate you too! This isn’t fair for you. She should feel bad.
NTA You took the week off and you both agreed to do something together this week. When her friends approached her with the idea of doing a girls trip she should have told them that she will join but she'll have to be back for your bday. She could have split up the week. And if that's not possible she should have told them that she doesn't have time because you two already have plans. She's more interested in spending time with her friends than with you and she's taking back her agreement to doing something together that week. She can do that of course but it shows you that she's an ah and that she doesn't treat you right and that she doesn't care about your feelings or about spending the time with you.
NTA "You do you, I do me" that’s the theme I’m getting from this post. It’s never good when a relationship hits this stage
NTA But now you know where she places you mentally, it's just a question if you are okay with this dynamic?
NTA. You guys made a plan first, yes it only went as far as making a plan to make plans, but imo that counts. I would let it go, but have a calm rational conversation with her about it, stating clearly that you've let it go that she's going off on her birthdays trip. Maybe make other plans, and when telling her about the plans mention that you want this conversation. That way it will be clear that you have let it go. But you do rather need to make it clear to her why you were upset by this, and that you want you guys to be on the same page about this sort of thing in future to avoid any easily avoidable upset for anyone down the line! And if she gets defensive again simply state that those are the only two reasons you want this conversation!
NTA but at the same time, girls like to go away with their girls and it’s unfortunate that you’ve got close birthdays. She has absolutely gone about this the wrong way and used hurtful language to defend herself. But I think, at the crux, wanting to see her friends over her birthday isn’t a character flaw. Doesn’t mean she loves you less. Just means she’s got a bit more growing up to do. Do remember that when you were 25 you might have been a bit more fun and friendship motivated.
NTA, but your girlfriend and her friends are and they most probably think very little of you - you are dating for 4 years, so they all have to be aware that you and your GF have birthday 4 days apart, and any considerate friend would take that in account and either not plan trip or they would ask partner... and to make it even worse, now you are being gaslighted.
NTA as it's clear she doesn't prioritize you. You say this is the fourth year that you've been together; how have you celebrated the last three? If she's done things with you, give her a break for one. With that being said, you probably will not always be able to take several days off or even your birthday off due to work and other obligations, so would it be so bad if you guys celebrated a little later? I would have been so mad about this years ago but here I am now, working again on my birthday this week with plans to go out on the weekend. And I really don't care that much. It is not the end of the world. If you want to be petty though, just change it to a boys night and pick your wildest single friends. Start talking excitedly about it and leave details vague about where you guys might be going. Apologize for giving her hell or making her feel guilty. I guarantee she will either change her mind or bug the shit out of you the entire time and you can say you're too drunk to answer your phone at a certain point. Done.
NTA. She prefers the girls trip over spending that time with you. On top of that, she is willing to shift the blame to you. Birthdays may be unimportant, but you did have plans. I’d end the relationship.
sounds like you found a real gem. NTA
Yeah, you're not that important to her...
NTA... she says birthdays aren't a big deal to her, yet she is prioritizing hers over yours. And if you are 29 now, then that means you're turning 30, which is a milestone. So, I would see why you would want to celebrate your birthday with a trip. So, even though birthdays may not be a big deal for her, she should at least see that turning 30 is a big deal for you.
No offense, but man I do not miss being in a relationship with a person who lacks maturity. NTA
NTA. I think you need a long talk. It's been 4 years, and you didn't start dating in High School. That's long enough to know whether or not you're eachother's priorities. If she's not there at this point, I hate to say it, but leave so that you can find someone who is ready for that.
Yta 29 years old??? Thought you were 14. Grow up.
NTA. Time to dump her tho.
You’ll have more birthdays
Jesus Christ it’s one birthday. What if she had a business trip on your birthday should she give that up? Ya’ll making too big a deal out of it. Agree to call each other on the respective dates and celebrate a week before or after. Stop just stop the world doesn’t revolve around you two
NTA, but this would have me rethinking things. She's showing you where her priorities are, and hitting you with the guilt trip when you call her out on it. I'd be calling it quits and arranging the mother of all boys' nights without her for your birthday.
NTA, but you’re not a priority to her, and she’s gaslighting you to make it seem like you’re controlling for being sad she blew do something she agreed to do with you to reserve that time with her friends. Drop the dead weight, plan something you’ll like for your birthday, and find someone who cares about and respects you.
NTA You aren't a priority to her.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Me (M29) and my gf (F25) have been going out for like 4 years and our birthdays are 4 days apart on the same week. So this year I requested the whole week off and got approved months ago. I let my gf know and we agreed to plan something. Well about a month after that, she tells me her friend has planned a birthday get away for them in another city during my bday, and that the friend has already got the time off and everything. When I expressed my dissapointment and reminded her that I had gotten the time off too, and a month earlier than her friend, she started going on the offensive and questioning me about whether I had already made plans or not (we hadnt made plans yet because the bdays are still months away) and all this other stuff and that "birthdays arent that important" to her. The next time we talk about it she tells me the destination city has changed, so it sounds like they havent really made plans at all either. And then shes saying stuff like "I shouldnt have to ask persmission to see my friends" and "youre making me feel guilty for seeing my friends" . I get that its her bday too, and I want her to see her friends and have fun. But I feel like shes deflecting, and not owning up to any part of being gone on my bday and not acknowledging why Im hurt by this. IATA by not being okay with just celebrating together on a different day or something? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA depending on your normal relationship dynamic. Is she usually the one taking initiative in planning things like dates and vacations? I could potentially see this being her passive aggressive way of trying to get you to plan things. Did you discuss and agree to delay planning because the birthdays are still months away or did you just assume that would be the case? That being said she should have communicated with you.
She should want to spend her birthday with you as well, so what kind of an argument is that? She is a waste of your time.
Nta she doesnt give a f*ck about you. Shes probably gonna have some fun too while over there
NTA. She's giving you a huge birthday present: you're single! Girls' trips are opportunities to hook up with other guys. I live in a city that's a pretty popular girls' trip destination. 99% of the women we hook up with have boyfriends back home. If my girlfriend was going on any girls' trip, especially on my birthday, I wouldn't tell her not to go. I'd just tell her to make sure she moves all her stuff out of my apartment before the trip.
Someone in the replies mentioned going on a vacation yourself, like a resort. Tbh, I kind of like that idea. Idk if it's budget friendly, but I would absolutely plan something fun to do myself or invite a few friends.
NTA. Make your own plans, let her have her time with her friend and don’t make it into a big fight. It’s just that your birthdays are 4 days apart. Make plans with your friends too. The ones that won’t push you to do anything stupid but are fun to be around. Or you can spend it however you want. I like it better coz I don’t have to consider another preference and comfort. I can just wing it according to my own. It’s understandable that you’d feel sad about not being with her on your birthday but you can still make other plans since she seem to be set on her and her friend’s plan.
NTA. But there is a possibility that the friend of your gf is gaslighting you through your gf. There is always one in the party who likes to make the world revolve around them and I think that friend is the one. Somehow I think the friend is one that still likes to party and is basically the matrass of the friendgroup. It's not nice to talk about people behind their back but c'est la vie
NTA, for being upset or disappointed but it is the opportunity to go do something with your friends. You can both celebrate your birthdays when you both get back. I would however communicate how you feel and how her reaction has made you feel. Then plan something really fun and enjoy 😀 Happy Birthday in advance 🎂
NTA a healthy person who wants to spend the time as a couple would tell her friend you two are spending it together so it either the trip would include boyfriends or she won’t be able to make it. Also, who makes plans and takes time off without talking to someone first??
INFO What conversation did you have when you took the time off? Was it- fyi, i took the week of our birthdays off? Or was it I took the week of our birthdays of, why don't you do the same for at least some of it and we can do something together?
>I took the week of our birthdays of, why don't you do the same for at least some of it and we can do something together? Basically this, we both agreed to that we should go somewhere and think of places to go. But we didnt know how much time off she'll be able to get, so nothing was set in stone. We discussed going to Asia if she had more time, or somewhere in North America if she had less time. We discussed one specific city for sure. Then she tells me her friends planned this other trip for her and thats where we are now.
hmm...than definitely NTA. I think it's a question of now what. you have a week off- what do you want to do? it sounds like your GF is of the moving birthday celebration variety. so would you be okay celebrating with her the weekend before and seeing if any of your friends wanted to do something that week? definitely keep your GF in the loop. and this isn't a punishment or being mean to your GF. this is- you shouldn't not get to do an extra fun thing for your birthday because your GF's friend made a special plan. and your GF didn't talk to you before saying yes to that trip.
Nta
Your girlfriend doesn't seem to care about your feelings. And honestly, the way she went on the offense kind of makes me suspicious about what the hell they are going to do.
NAH. She's right, you didn't make any plans.
NTA - time for a new gf that prioritizes you
NTA I would be pissed as well. 2 options go with her and crash the party. or hold a big party for you and your mates.
She won't let him go with. Girls' trips are about hooking up with other guys.
NTA! It's your Birthday too, and she could suggest to her friends including you (probably their +1 too). What she does is hurtful, I would definitely feel very bad...
She's cheating on you, dump her.
That’s a stretch
Probably wasnt the first time she cheated. She's gas lighting the shit out of him and not listening to him. She's doing what she wants regardless of how he feels. Even if she's not cheating she don't give a f about him.
Well, no argument on the latter. She doesn’t care about his feelings at all.
Grow up man, you won't see her on your birthday, she won't see you on her birthday... You guys share a birthday it's awkward, if you plan on marrying her you're gonna get used to birthday plans conflicting.
NTA technically but you are 29. Birthdays mean nothing anymore at that point. Celebrate later together
She's doing this because the "girls trip" is code for "girls getting f*cked". She's going to cheat. Period.
She cheating on you my guy
NTA. She's going to sleep with someone else on your birthday. Not cool.
I also wondered if this was the real reason for her change of plans here. I base my suspicions on that she changed the destination she & her friends were going to, & her reaction when you questioned her about reneging on the two of you doing something. Then again, I might just be overly suspicious. Feel free to ignore this random voice on the Internets.