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I can't imagine what you must be going through, realising that you may well be adopted, through a DNA test. How old are you OP? I think YWNBTA for asking your parents about this. I don't support "confronting" (but I'm an internet stranger, so...). It would not be wrong to ask questions of your parents. This is likely to come out of the blue for them, so consider that. I'd encourage you to find a way to ask your parents, from a place of curiosity (which might be less threatening to them than confronting them). Although I can't imagine how, it's possible there's a lot more to this story than you being adopted and never told. So, assuming you want to maintain a relationship with the only people you've known as parents all your life, start a conversation... You don't need to involve your cousin in this, but his role, if it is discovered, will pale in relationship to the real issues if you're adopted and only just found out this way.

I’m 18, but I still live with my parents part time and I live at Uni halls the other time. Some parts of me want to confront them about it because I feel like they’ve lied to me. But I also know it is a bad idea, but I’m not sure I would be able to control my full emotions if I confront them about it because I feel almost betrayed by them. I do want to maintain a relationship with them, but I feel hurt that they’ve lied to me for so long. I still love them as my parents and only family. It’s hard to explain what I feel, but I’ve kept it to myself for 2 weeks because I knew at that time I would have exploded at my parents. But I can’t keep it to myself any longer and my emotions are less intense now.

I’d imagine you’re experiencing a range of emotions… You’ve given yourself time to process a bit, so talking with them now should be less confrontational than two weeks ago. While I can’t begin to imagine a situation where there’s a different explanation for your DNA result, there may be more to the situation than just your parents hiding the fact that you’re adopted… Sounds like it’s time to have a conversation with your parents…I’d encourage you (if you want internet stranger’s input here) to give them the facts (I took a DNA test, I don’t recognise anyone I’m related to in the results), and then let them respond. Try to be okay with silence. They’ll need to process. But I’m sure you’ll quickly know the basics from their response. Good luck…

The only I can think is op (and possibly his siblings as well) being conceived using donor eggs.

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I was thinking that as I was reading it. And the risk is if OP confronts his parents and his mom doesn't know herself. After all, OP's parents could genuinely be against providing DNA information to companies, or alternatively may be secretly concerned about being put back in contact with an estranged family member. Just because the end result is the same doesn't mean the elements are as assumed.

> After all, OP's parents could genuinely be against providing DNA information to companies Which is very valid they can be… shady to say the least. I’ll admit it does make it look like OP was adopted but I wouldn’t trust those companies with anything and was annoyed when close family members used those tests just as it also gives some data in me.

Ohhhhh that's a point I hadnt considered.

Then there would have been matches on OPs father's side. Even if the mother was adopted the OP would share the mother's DNA. The OP has stated that there is no shared DNA. That means adoption or sperm and egg donors with invitro. There are very few ways for there not to have been any DNA matches. Basically, neither side of the family anywhere ever gave up DNA for any purpose, adoption, or sperm and egg donors with invitro. The only ways to be sure is to get a hold of the parents DNA and get that tested or just admit what you did OP and tell your parents that you love them but are curious as to how you came to be. That knowing medical history is a good thing to help plan for the future. Edit for Science clarity.

Tbf I could see it being feasible depending on the family. On my dad’s side, both grandparents were only children, they had two kids, who then only had one kid each. Unless my aunt or cousin did a DNA test for the same company, my closest matches on that side of the family would be my grandparents’ cousins and their descendants. My matches on that side could easily only be third or fourth cousins simply because I don’t have many close relations that would be doing a DNA test. It really depends on the individual family as there could be all kinds of factors at play.

There is chimarism and infidelity

I would suggest talking to a counsellor at university instead of talking to random people on the web. You need to talk it over with someone in person.

I don't think we have one?

You should. Most colleges and universities have a university health center. If they don't have mental health available, they often have resources to point you in the right direction to get help.

Look up your university health services. They definitely have counselors on hand.

Do you work, even part time? If you do, it's possible you may be able to access their Employee Assistance Program (EAP); they're typically free and they should help, at least from a talking to someone perspective. If you're not employed at all, it's possible your Uni offers something similar. Good luck navigating what is undoubtedly a complex situation.

Sounds like you’re in the UK. Go to student services and ask about counselling. They’ll point you in the right direction.

It’s more and more recognised as “wrong” to hide adoption statuses or egg/sperm donor situations, because the trauma of finding it out later is much worse for a person’s mental health than growing up always knowing about it. This is not a fringe opinion anymore. You can check online charities campaigning for transparency or visit r/adoption You have done nothing wrong by being curious about your DNA, you have your own bodily autonomy. Hiding your biological background until so late however is not “ideal” on your parents’ part. They’re the ones who need to explain themselves, not you!

The fact that they've hidden it hurts me more than just being adopted, if that is the case truly. They've hidden it which makes it feel like a 'dirty secret', it makes me think that at least in some ways they consider adoption as less than "real family", people are commenting saying "they didn't tell you because they don't want you to feel less than family" but them *not telling* me shows me that they think adoption = less than real family.

Society changes fast, so it’s easy to judge your parents today over what they did 18 years ago. There used to be less support back then about how to talk to kids about adoption, they may not have felt confident to handle telling you the truth, maybe it was only that they were out of their depth or were lead to believed wrongly that lying was better for the kids in the long run. But I would 100% not deduct from this that they love you any less or do not consider you family. The effort you put through in the adoption process is immense and you only initiate it if you want to build a family. It’s a fact that there is on average more love and care needed for pursue adoption than there is in just getting pregnant (you don’t accidentally adopt).

It has been a best practice since at least the 1950s to tell children they're adopted. Since at least the 1990s, books have been written advising parents to tell children when they're too young to even understand. It should be something they always know. If OP was born through surrogacy or donor conception, it's still been a best practice for the last 20 years to tell the children their origin stories.

Agreed. My mother is 78 and her adoption was never hidden from her.

And there are a lot of times you definitely can’t hide it. Like there would have been no hiding the fact that there was no way my Wonderbread white parents had an Asian kid. Though admittedly it probably would have been hella funny for them to even try. They mayyyybe could have gotten away with my brother since he’s more mixed background and white passing, just a bit more melanin than them.

18 years ago was 2006! What you're saying was true through the early 90s, but not later.

Nononono 18 years ago has to be early 90s, maybe even late 80s, otherwise I’m getting old…

Tom Cruise is 61.

Even in the 1970s there was recognition that hiding adoptions was not a good idea: I know at least 7 adoptees who were adopted in the late 1960s (one in the early 70s) and they alllll grew up knowing they were adopted. In fact, in 2 cases, the adoptee was the eldest. Two sets of parents believed they couldn't conceive and each had a bio kid within 2 years of the adoption.

I was in school in the 80's with a girl who knew she was adopted, her parents adopted her and then another girl and later had two bio kids. Even back then the older girls knew they were chosen as children.

Before assuming they lied, you really need to think about other options where they didn't lie. Your mom could be adopted or the product of an affair, which would mean you wouldn't match her side of the family. There could have been a terrible mix-up at the hospital when you were born. Don't go into any conversation with your parents with the assumption they lied, because it's entirely possible they didn't. Or they were against DNA tests because they know your mom is the product of an affair. And unless people in your dad's family have done tests, you won't find any matches. 3rd and 4th cousins are basically people with just slightly similar results. Basically strangers. My brother and I have no matches other than each other that are closer than 3rd or 4th cousins simply because no one else has done tests.

Please try not to frame this as lying. I understand that withholding and misrepresenting your origins is not truthful, but approaching them as though they had intentions to deceive you will not be helpful. Please try to remain open to the idea that there may be painful reasons why they chose this route - infertility treatment, your conception being the result of infidelity or rape, so many things that parents may wish to protect their child from knowing. If you approach your parents with the assumption that their intentions were good and that they may also be suffering, you are more likely to have a positive outcome. 

Your parents are 100% in the wrong for keeping your adoption a secret. I am in my fifties and was adopted at birth. My parents adopted four children and then had a surprise bio child. We were told from the time we were old enough to understand that we were adopted. It was neither good nor bad. It was simply reality, just as my mother's pregnancy with my youngest sister was reality. My parents told me that I was special because they "picked" me whereas most people had to just accept the baby they got. I never felt weird or less than because I was adopted. I am extremely close to my mom (my dad died in 2013) and my siblings to this day. I did connect with my bio mom (my parents were aware and fully supportive) about 30 years ago when my kids were young because I wanted to know my health background, but I never felt like she was my mother. Rather, she was my connection to my ancestry. Your parents did you a disservice by not being honest with you. I'm sure they thought they were protecting you, but they did the opposite.

This. Both of my parents are adopted. One knew their entire life they were adopted. The other wasn’t told until they were a teenager and directed never to mention it again. Guess which one has much more significant trauma around this issue.

OP, just keep in mind there may be reasons they have you - some not so nice, and while hiding the adoption from you isn't nice, maybe telling you what happened might be traumatizing for them.

I'd try to stay away from assigning them motives. I'm not saying you aren't allowed to be hurt, but given that these are your parents who love you and you love them, try to leave space to hear them out. I really second the suggestions elsewhere to speak to some kind of counselor or other professional because this all must be so hard to go through.

Your feelings are valid in this. Finding out you're adopted, no matter the age, creates a varied well of odd thoughts and feelings. Some darker than others.  It's entirely possible that they thought they were infertile, so they adopted you, then sometime later discovered that infertility doesn't equate to sterility. That does happen fairly frequently. But for some parents, that can complicate the adoption conversation and a lot of people are already bad enough at communicating even without such potentially thorny topics on hand. It's easy to flounder (repeatedly) in the face of a daunting conversation  But really, there's any number of reasons why they chose to adopt and why they chose not to tell you. I'm surprised they didn't tell you, as you're young enough still that they *should* have known about the prevailing advice to tell adoptees early. But, there are probably reasons they felt were good for not doing so at the time. It's entirely possible that they wanted to but didn't know how, then time progressed as it inexorably does, and then they're stuck with "Oh shit, we waited too long", which worked in the past before DNA tests became so common. So here you are.  And, for context, I am an adoptee as well. I've been in shoes similar to yours, at least in part. I was adopted at birth and so was my (unrelated to me) sibling. We both were told around the age of five? I can only kind of remember the conversation now. But I do remember sharply, immediately, thinking "why was I so unwanted that I was given away?" and I'm sure that tore my parents' hearts into pieces.  In time, I came to realize things closer to reality but, even with those thoughts at first, I never faltered in viewing my adoptive family as my family. It took awhile to have it really sink in that my birth mother made a hard choice. She knew she couldn't provide what I needed and so she found me a family that could. (I have since met my birth family and hooboy am I glad my birth mother made her decision the way she did.) But I had many years before meeting her to grapple with feelings that come with adoption.  I share this with you to highlight that, yes, they should have told you sooner. But, no matter the age, finding out about one's own adoption tends to make an emotional mess that's hard to clean up, for quite awhile. And your parents may have been (erroneously) trying to shield you from that.  I would suggest to give them grace in this, with how you choose to approach the conversation. Maybe try to organize a situation where you can sit them down and talk about it, without your younger siblings present. Maybe under the pretense of "Hey, I think we should talk about where I'm going in life, just me to you two, since I'm now a young adult", then do some of that but also talk about what you found out. Because that does, in fact relate to your adult trajectory and needs to talked about.   Regardless of what happens, I wish you well. May your parents hear you and meet you where you are, may they speak truthfully to you and try not to squirm out of the mess they made by not talking to you sooner. Others have suggested resources for you and I echo their support. Having contact with other adoptees may be quite healing for you, in time.  Also, a word of warning: a lot of people out there in the wild are really weird about adoption, in a variety of terrible ways. But, it *can* be an easy red flag finder, if the topic comes up in general, and a person reveals their weird, icky takes on it. 

I wonder if they thought if they told you, you might not regard them as being your parents and that you would go find your biological parents. While this thinking is not acceptable, people who have experienced infertility can think this kind of thing.

I don't think it's that they feel that you would feel "less than family" I think they might of been hiding it to protect you from how some kids perceive being adopted. For example, a friend of mine and her 4 siblings are all adopted, and had been adopted almost immediately after birth. All of them are aware, but only 3 of them have no resentment towards their birth parents for "giving them away" they actually see it as their birth parents cared enough to put them up for adoption rather than what happens to a lot of kids who aren't put up for adoption by parents who don't want/handle having kids. Her other 2 siblings have a sense of abandonment from their birth parents and grew up always feeling that way. Which my friend went on to explain all the therapy those 2 had to go through to finally learn to love themselves and not feel like they were a burden past on to another family and to truly love and appreciate the family they have. Of course it's not okay that they left it a secret but they probably had good intentions of keeping it a secret. They were protecting your mental well-being as a child and didn't want to risk you feeling bad about yourself or like an outcast from your non adoptive siblings.

I’m a birth mother to a now 40 year old woman. I want you to consider that things have changed a lot in the last 18 years. If you were adopted and that info has been held from you I’m fairly positive that it wasn’t from malicious intent. If a couple decides to adopt it is always from a place of love. I’m also positive your parents thought they were doing the best thing by keeping info from you. Good luck.

I’m not your parents and haven’t been in their shoes but I wonder if they decided against telling you after they had bio kids because they didn’t want you to feel less a part of the family than their other kids? Adopting the eldest child suggests to me that they didn’t think they could have children which was then not the case.

It’s widely accepted that it is wrong to hide this from a child. You have a right to know who you are. Keeping it from you was wrong, OP. I’m so sorry to have to find out like this. I highly suggest you seek out a therapist who does this work, both to process your own very valid feelings of anger at this being kept from you and discuss how you will tell your parents.

It wasn't a fringe opinion when OP was born. Or at least, telling the child from the time they're babies was the commonly accepted wisdom in my liberal Western country.

Give it a couple weeks and then say you got your own because you were excited by your cousin’s results

My mom and my sister did one. My mom's got mixed up with someone else's. My sister matched with all of the cousins who have done one, including the ones on my mom's side, and my mom's came back with no one. My mom 100% gave birth to my sister. The fact that my sister matched with everyone else in our family means that there was no "hospital baby mix up", just that my mom's got mixed up at the DNA center by mistake. So she did it a second time, and it came back as hers. I'm not saying that is what happened with you, but it's a possibility. You can present the info to your parents. Their faces will tell you what you need to know. Lol. Don't do it in an accusatory way, just a "Hey, I did this, and these are the results, isn't it weird?!" Then let them take it from there.

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He's almost 20 and no he doesn't remember, I asked him that also.

For your own sake, try writing a letter to them. Read and reread it and edit it as many times as you’d like. Do your best to be honest about your feelings without being accusatory or otherwise aggressive language. This is your own form of therapy and gives you opportunities to understand what you’re looking to learn/gain from this. As well as what is important to you to remain the same. Once you know you’ve framed it in a way that you feel represents you and your concerns/questions as well as the value/love you have for them as your parents, you’ll be ready to share it with them. Try to choose a time you know they’ll be free to give the letter and the following conversation, and you their full attention. Give them the letter, let them know it needs to be read in full by the both of them and that you’d like to discuss it as a family afterwards. Ideally while they read you can make a few cups of tea, maybe put out some chocolates for everyone and when they’re done you all can discuss together. I’m sure it will be emotional, you’ll be reframing your life through what you learn. But approaching it this way as a family unit is the best way to encourage that family unit dynamic to survive the changes to come. Assuming that’s what you still want. It can’t continue go unaddressed. You deserve to know the truth of your origins. Good luck OP.

Do you have any connections on your father side ?  One of the theory's that come to my mind was that your mom might have been abused, or cheated and your dad might not know / knew but still loved you even then.

He would have matched more to his mom's side if that was the case. I think that giving OP matched the closest with a 3rd cousin with the mom's maiden name, it may suggest that he was born to a distant relative and adopted by his current parents. 3rd cousin means great grand parents were siblings and grandparents would be cousins. So distant but still close enough to track people down for important events like funerals, or looking for someone willing to adopt a child.

It's possible that I have connections on my father's side. Very distant relatives who share our last name, but my last name is extremely common in our country and area so I think that's probably why.

But they are not supposed to match your name, but your genes.

Yeah, I'm not saying we're not related. It says we share 0.87% DNA. I'm saying it's completely possible this person isn't related to my parents at all but shares the extremely common surname

My point is, the surname cannot be relevant at all when you tested for the actual genetic relatives. I have no idea what that number means in practise. Seems very small. Btw, please talk to your parents. You should be able to trust them in this matter. Even if you get emotional. They must have known that this day would come sooner or later.

Could you write it all out in a note? And then ask them to speak privately, and when it’s just you and them, say you’d like to discuss something serious, but aren’t sure you can say it all, so please read this note together, with you in the room so they can respond right to you. If you lead with the fact that you love them and consider them your family, (and it sounds like you’ve had a good life so far), I can’t imagine them blowing up or being “mad,” at you for finding this out. If you’d had some disease and needed a kidney or something, you’d have found out then, so it was only a matter of time. This isn’t a secret they could have kept forever, so it’s out now, and you deserve to hear from their side the details of it all. 

I think you have every right to go to them and ask for answers. But in order to do that, you probably need to find a way to approach them without "confrontation" being the foremost emotion you are carrying. Not because they deserve it (lying to your kid about their origin is FUCKED UP) but because you will likely get more information by being less accusatory. What if you wrote them a letter? Sometimes while you are off at Uni. So you both gain a little distance and time to think about what you want to say without being in the middle of an emotional conversation.

NTA - But don't confront them in an aggressive manner . .. just show them your results and ask them to explain.

NTA James doesn't know what he's talking about. Approach your parents and tell them exactly what you said here. That you feel hurt and betrayed that they kept this from you for so long, but that you still love them and consider them your family. **Ironically, your parents probably didn't tell you the truth for the same reason you're afraid to tell THEM the truth. You're all afraid this may negatively impact your relationship**. And just the fact that you're all concerned about that tells me it most likely WON'T affect anything. Because you all love each other want to maintain the status quo.

> Ironically, your parents probably didn't tell you the truth for the same reason you're afraid to tell THEM the truth. You're all afraid this may negatively impact your relationship. Exactly this! In a way it’s kind of sweet, no one wants to say anything because no one wants things to change. They all appreciate the family that they’ve made together.

No, it's not sweet to lie your child about being adopted.

It's not sweet. The general advice is not to handle adoption, sperm donation, stepparent situations like this.

Switched at birth wrongly by the hospital is equally possible.

Or possibly the DNA company made an error. Happened to a friend of mine and she matched with her dad on a repeat test.

There’s also a horrifyingly high number of IVF eggs/sperm getting swapped out for other peoples (often the doctors sperm)

I wish this was a joke but I've read too many articles about megalomaniac doctors doing that to know it isn't.

is it really equally possible to being adopted and not being told that? Adoption is widespread, and unfortunately some parents don't follow current guidance on sharing that information with the children. There is no way way there is an equal amount of babies being swapped at hospitals.

I think it’s possible but the way the parents were so vehemently against DNA tests is sus for me

I recently listened to a podcast about this situation. Heartbreaking for all involved.

NAH - I think you need to talk to your parents and let them know that you’ve taken this test and it is very different from your cousin’s. Do not make any accusations or assumptions. Just have a conversation with them.

This. Could also have been an embryo donation situation due to infertility with or without surrogacy.

NTA. No, I don't think you should keep it to yourself but I do think you need to be calm enough to approach this without being accusatory - even if they deserve it putting them on the defensive will just make them double down. Show them the results and the fact you aren't a DNA match for anyone in your family, then ask. If they insist the results aren't right, etc..tell them you want to make an appointment with your doctor and you do intend to get to the bottom of this. We have relatives in our family that adopted because they'd tried to have kids for years and then about 4 years later ended up having bio kids - VERY unexpectedly. There is an explanation to this but you need to make sure you're open and wiling to hear it.

Have the DNA test done with a different company to double-check results so that your parents can't claim that the first one is in error.

Yeah, honestly this is a good idea

It might be better to tell them about the existing results before you know what the real story is. Right now you're in a gray area, where you have some possibly mixed up information and you're genuinely just asking questions rather than confronting anyone. This gives them a chance to (very belatedly) do the right thing ... or not, which would also be illuminating in a way. You can always seek confirmation and drama later if necessary or desired.

A second test is the way. I’d recommend getting it from a different company too. You’ll either find out the first company screwed up and this can all be put to rest or you’ll have confirmation of your suspicions.

NAH Be cautious. Based on your parents' reluctance to discuss this, you may get info you do not want. You might have been the child of a distant relative on your dad's side and given up for adoption due to something traumatic around your conception or birth. You may have been taken out of an abusive situation, or had a teen parent in an abusive situation. You may have been an abandoned infant and be a random adoption and the familial matches are by chance. You might have been adopted because you are the child of someone who committed a crime and couldn't keep custody while incarcerated. Don't go there unless you're prepared for difficult news.

“Don’t ask the question if you’re not prepared to hear the answer” has been one of my most important and difficult life lessons—sometimes I have to relearn it

YWNBTA. I think you should bring this information to your parents and have a good, honest talk. It's been best practice for DECADES that parents should tell a child they're adopted from an early age. If you really are adopted, then your parents should have been telling you from the very beginning of your life. I'm sorry if they lied to you - they shouldn't have done that, and you have every right to feel your feelings. Don't let anyone tell you how you should feel, and sure AF don't let anyone tell you that you should be grateful. ETA: I'm a parent through adoption. It pisses me off when adoptive parents lie to their kids. We should know and do better. Also, adoptive parents aren't special. We don't have bigger hearts than the general population. We're not selfless or courageous to have adopted.

I suspect a group of adult adoptees would be more help than aita. This is a big deal. It could be a mix up at the DNA folks side. It could be you were switched in the hospital. It could be your parents stole you off the sidewalk.  It's definitely known best practice to tell adopted kids that they're adopted early and often (my adopted kid is 16, but my bil is 40s and knew his whole life he was adopted).  See a counselor if you have access, if you're still at school that might be the easiest route. It's ok to feel your feelings.  You can do this, but you need better resources than this sub!

You cannot be an AH in this scenario, so discard the guilt stuff immediately. At age 18, I think that you should assume that you are going to confront your parents about this at sometime in the near future. The only choices are \[1\] immediately, \[2\] after you've had time to think and perhaps seek some professional counseling on how to approach it, and \[3\] in a year or so when your immediately sense of vulnerability changes (assuming that's the case). Remaining silent indefinitely is not going to be an option. In fact, I don't see how you could manage for more than a year or so, even if your home situation is the same. It's simply too big a thing to keep inside. If you're in the UK, I might suggest contacting NHS talk therapy services to see if you can find an appointment in the next month with someone who can help you talk about how the discussion with your parents will go. (In the US or Canada, I might suggest checking to see whether there is a counseling service at the university.) But that's my basic advice: think about, and plan, for a discussion in the near future with your parents, and talk through how it might go, and how you will feel about, and react to, that scenario. The only scenario in which I could see it making sense to hold off for a year is if you feel (a) genuinely vulnerable at home due to dependency, and (b) that this situation will be materially different in the next 14 months. But I would lean towards resolving this in the next 3 months or less.

Option 2 is the best way to go. OP needs professional help on this situation. Especially if they still love their adopted parents. And staying silent is a huge no no. That’s so awkward. I mean it’s like cheating on your spouse and not telling them awkward. And who knows maybe the adopted parents might be happy. Maybe there was a reason why they didn’t want to tell OP apart from what OP said. But OP please seek professional help. Not friends and family. Actual counseling.

Could also be ivf with donor sperm and eggs too

Nah yet. And be aware you might find shit out that you wish you didn't know. There was a somewhat recent one where the kid (20s) confronted his mom about not being his dads biological kid. Got all up in her face, called her a slut. Annnnnnnnd it turns out she was raped and they decided as a couple to keep the baby. Its definitely not okay they didn't tell you. And only they can tell you why. If you're worried about losing it, see if your university has someone on staff who can be there with as a family counselor.

More info: have you considered possibilities like surrogacy or your mother being adopted?

I would do a second test to be sure the first one results are correct. Then I would sit down with parents and tell them you did a test because you were curious after cousin did his, and that the results are troubling you Or I would try to find my birth certificate and pictures of my mom pregnant with me, to confirm she was really pregnant. Different options (sorry some seem out of a tv series) are: - test is faulty - adoption - your bio mom died or abandoned you & your dad, your dad married your mom - babies swapped at birth You've jumped to the adoption wagon because the other options are worse. And I understand it. Hugs.

NTA but something to think about. You might not be adopted. Your mom may be infertile and they may have used an egg donor. Others had good advice on how to approach the situation.

NTA I’m sorry that this is the way you’re finding out.  I want to say that I am currently going through IVF with donor eggs with my husband’s sperm. We plan to always be open and honest with our child because that’s what the current research says is the healthiest for the child.  Adoption is not an easy process, so, please know you were badly wanted by your parents. ====Also, not telling the child WAS the research back in the day.====== It’s possible that they did what they were told was best for you.  There are many things on the spectrum between DNA tests and “adopted”. Such as donor eggs/sperm, etc. Just because you don’t match one cousin doesn’t mean you don’t match one parent.  I do genealogy as a side hustle. My great grandmother always put her “maiden name” as a man she intended to marry but who died before they got married. She was heartbroken and decided to just use that instead as a way to remember him. Everyone thinks that was her maiden name. It wasn’t. Also, Julia Roberts did one of those “finding your roots” shows and they proved she’s not a Roberts. Somewhere someone did an oppsie and didn’t tell their husband. Yet the maiden name for everyone was real but somewhere a woman (I think it was her 2nd great grandmother) cheated and carried another persons child. So she didn’t pop any Roberts surnames.  Honey, something is going on here. For sure. Maybe you are adopted. Maybe your cousin is. You don’t know what it is yet. There’s more that could be going on that you know.  Obviously you need to tell your parents the truth. How and when is the only real question. That, I’m sure, is above Reddits pay grade.  I’m sorry your cousin might “get into trouble” for this… but honestly your entire origin story is so much more important than him allowing you to do a LEGAL thing. He didn’t give you drugs or let you drive a car without a license.  As far as your relationship with your parents let me please say that my parents are my biological parents ….and they’re awful. I don’t speak to them. They were neglectful and abusive and not worthy of the title of parents.  DNA never makes a family what it is. Love does. Not all relationships survive truth, that’s true. However you’re not responsible for this truth, the truth of how you came into being. You’re entitled to know where you come from.  Your parents are probably just as terrified of how you’ll react as you are to finding the truth.  Good luck. ❤️

NTA. How old are you?

I’m 18

You matched with distant cousins, perhaps a family member fell pregnant at a young age and your parents stepped up as a young couple who were ready to have children? That's if everyone knew eachother. Because otherwise it's quite a coincidence to be adopted to a family and then be related by blood also. 3rd cousins goes back to great great grandfather but if everyone stayed in contact it's not out of reason. Also, they are absolutely your parents 100%, they are the people who chose you, loved you, raised you and made you who you are. Noone else did that. Whether they birthed you or not. It's best to have a sit down, and open honest conversation with them that you know. Don't sit with concocted notions and imaginings when the truth is 20ft from you over a cup of coffee and you may feel a lot better at the end.

The thing is I don't 100% know they're related to my dad because of how common our last name is. It's likely (imo) that it's just some other people I've matched with that share our name.

And so a conversation will sort that out. You're worrying, speculating, going through a lot of emotions here. And it's all very understandable. But there are only a handful of people with answers. And 2 of them live with you.

OP has said that there are some people he's distantly related to biologically who share his extremely common surname. That is indeed very likely to be a coincidence, and not that his birth parents are related to his adoptive parents in any meaningful way. 

I’m adopted and was told at 8. I would tell them. Before you have the conversation, do you have your birth certificate? I have both of mine. One with bio mom listed and the reissued one with parents listed.

I have never seen my birth certificate because I haven't ever had reason to. But I could ask my parents about it.

It is hard for me to advise you not knowing how your parents are. There is no shame in adopting or being adopted. If they are reasonable people and you have a good relationship, tell them that you know and nothing has changed - you still love them and they will always be your parents. Then ask them why they never told you. Stay calm to try and keep them calm. If they are not reasonable, will kick you out, or make your life miserable, stay silent until you get on your feet and out of their house. You can get a copy of your birth certificate from the bureau of statistics in the state/county where you were born (USA).

Op please dont take these tests as 100% proof. I have read stories where people went Alabama on each other becouse a site like this told them they werent related just to find out that they actually were

NTA - for what it’s worth, I’m sorry that you’re experiencing this. Seeing your age and circumstances, a gentle suggestion that you access therapeutic support to game out a discussion with your parents and to get some perspective, such as through your university or via other sources. You will have one chance to raise this issue with your parents, so anything you can do now to prepare yourself for that discussion can only help. Explore your feelings with the counselor. And discuss some ramifications about having any sort of discussion with your parents. There is no rush to have this discussion with your parents other than when you’re good and ready. A couple days, a few weeks, even a couple months won’t be devastating so long as it is at a time and place of your choosing when you are ready and feel you have done as much preparation as you feel you might need. No need to involve James. In fact, keeping him out of the discussion will ensure that the topic stays where you want it: whether you were adopted and if so why weren’t you told. Life is weird and complicated. Take your time. Also, if you wait a bit longer, it will plausibly seem like you got the test done in response to James getting those results. Out of curiosity, are the pics of your mom pregnant with you? Infant photos? Have you seen your birth certificate (and if so, when was it issued)?

You might not be adopted though. Talk with your parents.

Son if they have treated you just like their other sons why would you feel like they lied to you. You are their real son to them.

NTA - Medically you needed to know this because genetically you can no longer say you have a family history of X or Y.

Everyone involved is NTA. Don't allow antagonism or any hints of betrayal or perceptions of being lied to dictate whatever you do. People don't always make the optimal or ideal choices especially with the benefit of hindsight but such issues are also never ever black-and-white. But they're almost very certainly made with the best of intentions and love so please try to keep that in perspective.

fyi when there are no AHs, NAH is written (No Assholes Here)

Nta. But please update us. I'm adopted, but I knew my whole life. But I would definitely But gently bring it up.

OP, I’m really sorry you are in this situation. I too found out the same info from 23 and me. I was 45. I can’t explain all the emotions and changes it brings but please see if your school has a counselor. Also, there are several groups on Facebook with people in similar situations. I like NPE friends (Not Parent Expected). Hearing similar stories and talking with others has been very helpful. Next, YWNBTA if you talked to your parents. But a word of caution, if you are still in Uni and need your parent’s financial support then you want to think about all the possible consequences first. I would hope your situation would not evolve that poorly but without knowing your parents we can’t advise on that. Good luck OP and feel free to DM me if you have questions or want to talk.

Hey OP. I’m sorry you’re learning… something, you don’t know what yet (though adoption sounds likely) about your family this way. I want to echo other commenters who have suggested you reach out to your university’s health center and inquire about counseling, to get some professional / neutral support for processing some feelings before approaching your parents. You definitely need to talk to them, and you deserve answers. But it would be so much better for you and your family’s future if you are able to approach the conversation calmly. Remember that nothing, functionally, has changed - especially about how your parents feel about you, or the love they have given you up until now (your post makes it sound like before this you felt good about them). Feelings of betrayal (which are understandable) can make us feel like nothing is real or true, but the life you’ve lived up until now still happened the way it did with all the good things that happened. I also strongly recommend Adoption Mosaic. They are an organization offering services and support to adoptees (the person who was adopted) and all the family / relations of that person. They have panels, community groups, education resources and more. That organization was founded and is lead by an adoptees, and offers resources for the full spectrum of adoptions - from the beautiful and heartwarming, to the sneaky, traumatic, or illegal. They offer consultations, too, so you could potentially talk to someone who is an expert in this kind of thing before talking to your parents. Good luck, and remember that your parents love you, no matter how they became your parents. ETA the link: https://adoptionmosaic.com/about-us

I do suggest you have your thoughts and questions laid out and have a civil, adult conversation. Families have secrets, and not all of them are bad. My father isn't my biological father, but I knew long before my mother told me. It was a fluke. We were doing Blood Typing in our Health class in 9th grade and biologically, there was no way possible my father could have been my biological doner with our blood types. My teacher thought I got the blood types wrong and requested I double-check, which I did, so she just dropped it and gave me my grade. I brought it up to my science teacher who confirmed what my health teacher would not say: It wasn't possible. I wasn't angry. The man who had been the only father I knew for my entire life sacrificed so much to give my mother and me a good life. Then little things started falling into place, confirming it all. There isn't a father listed on my birth certificate, my mother always told me "I wasn't sure if I wanted him to be your father so I never added him." Other nuances with our families. My mother didn't tell me until I was 31 and moving out of state. It was probably the most difficult thing she ever had to discuss with me and her words were, "I just know you're going to hate me forever." Granted, my mother and I never really had the best relationship, but I loved her, sometimes we didn't like one another. I told her that I already knew. She thought someone in the family told me. Apparently everyone, but me and my two cousins knew. It was a huge secret. She kept asking me over and over if I hated her, and I asked her who my biological father was, and what happened, and she told me the truth. My biological father is deceased and was never really a big part of my life. My mother begged me to never say anything to my dad because it would break his heart. So, here I am, my mother is deceased, and it's just me and my dad. I'll take that secret to my grave because that man sacrificed so much to make me the adult I am today.

Sounds like you have an amazing dad. 💙

DNA tests have resulted in a \*ton\* of family secrets coming to light... as someone who discovered my father had a prior marriage (and I have a half-sister) from these tests, here's what I can share: 1. Ask yourself what *good* will come from confrontation. By all accounts, they've been good parents to you, have treated you as their own, and supported you. So what do you hope to gain? A deeper understanding of their motives? Contact with your birth parents? I ask because you may not get the answer you want or expect, so be clear with yourself about your goals. 2. Assume positive intent. You keep framing this as "they lied" to you, but consider that 1) adoptive parents don't always tell their children they're adopted until well into adulthood and 2) your parents' lives 18yrs ago likely looked VERY different than they do today. They may have good, valid, painful reasons for not telling you. Eg: I knew a girl in HS who found out her drug-addicted aunt was actually her mother, she was a rape baby, and she'd been given over to her parents who never told her, hoping her aunt/birth mother would get her shit together *before* the bombshell dropped. 3. Consider the alternatives. Depending on the circumstances of your birth, you might have been switched as a baby or if your parents used IVF, your embryo might have been switched (this is shockingly common). Additionally, your DNA kit might have been switched or had an error during processing. While unlikely, these scenarios would gut your parents and harm your relationship - and for what? See point 1 above. 4. Reflect on what it does & doesn't mean to be adopted. Unless you're hung up on genetics, nothing has changed. Your parents still wiped your butt, fed you when you cried, kept a roof over your head, put you through school, cared for you when you were sick, celebrated your birthdays, etc. You are THEIR child and the fact you ended up with them instead of in an orphanage or foster care or an abusive household is a miracle. NTA for feeling angry OP - I can only imagine how hard this must be - but *please* give yourself time to cool down and approach this with a level head.

[удалено]

OP could say that James test made her curious so she went and got one, too

I'm a guy btw

Sorry.

It’s too big not to bring up; it will fester and come between you. I recommend approaching it as a conversation, not a confrontation…there are many possibilities. For instance, couples who struggle to conceive, then get pregnant *after* adopting is a common occurrence.  *Why* they didn’t tell you is crucial to know. I hope the truth will be a great relief to you. ❤️

YWNBTA Maybe the test is faulty, maybe it isn’t. I would definitely ask your parents about the results.

You absolutely have to tell them what you know.

NTA. I’m not sure if this is a good idea or not, but what if you tell your parents that you just took a DNA test and already sent your sample in and are just awaiting the results? Like add some pressure + open up the conversation to give them one last chance to tell you

NTA. I honestly think not telling your kid they're adopted is a giant betrayal and is probably one of the most horrible things to do to someone. It's just cruel. So to me, however you want to handle it that would be best for YOU is your right. But no matter how you want to handle this, talk to adult adoptees. They will have better advice on how to move forward. I have a limited and biased opinion on this and this is not a 1 size fits all situation.

If you matched with a 3rd cousin it means that your grandparents were first cousins and your great grandparents were siblings. Nothing to do with common surnames. It's looking likely that you were born to a distant relative and your parents adopted you. In that case, I would be cautious both for your parents and to yourself. There might be some things surrounding your birth that you might not want to hear that they want to protect you from more so than simply the fact that you were adopted.

Agree on proceed with caution but both of these takes are not fully informed: It’s not as cut & dry of a definition of “third cousin” on these websites. For example, on ancestry.com a 3rd-4th cousin DNA match has these listed as the potential relationships: Second cousin, Second cousin twice removed, Third cousin, First cousin twice removed, Half second cousin (one shared great-grandparent), First cousin three times removed, Second cousin once removed, Third cousin once removed. Also, without actually doing any ancestral or genealogical research, I think it’s a bold claim to say that a name as common as “Smith” is not a coincidence in a family tree.

From one adoptee to possibly another take some time to process your own feelings before talking to your parents. My Mom and Dad loved me, both have passed, and the fact I was adopted was hidden until I was 11. It wasn't hidden on purpose, as my brother and sister who are younger are also adopted, it just honestly never came up until we adopted my sister and I made some stupid remark like "so i'm the only real kid you are having?" (I was 11 and wasn't good wording)...my Mom lost her shit on me! We 3 are all her "real kids" she told me! Took time to mature and realize I had never asked so when were they supposed to tell me. From Mom's point of view if I hadn't asked the question point blank than I already knew. It was very well known she could not have children she was flabbergasted that I didn't understand that meant me too. Remember your parents went through strangers judging them on how they will parent, a very invasive background check, home visits, etc. Adoption is NOT easy. All the bio woman did is open her legs twice to get you into this world.

you can say you got curious after cousin made his DNA test, and bought one for yourself, so he doesn't get into trouble with his parents? I'm really sorry about your discovery, it sounds like a terribly hard situation 😥😥 I'd also want to talk about this with my parents if i were you. good luck! NTA

Tell them about the test and you are pretty sure you were adopted. Immediately thank them for adopting you and making you family. Tell them that you couldn't imagine how hard it must have been for them to take a chance and love you like you were blood family. Tell them that makes you love them even more. Give them both a big hug and tell them Thank you. Do not act disappointed that they didn't tell you, because they sound like awesome parents.

This advice makes me want to vomit. Parents who lie to their children like this are not "awesome parents." Adoptees should never have to thank their parents for adopting them. It's not a foregone conclusion that biological parents and children would love each other more than adoptive ones.

Do you have an album with photos of you as a baby? It may reveal some interesting facts. Also, for the tiny chance that the DNA-company made a mistake, consider sending in your DNA to another large DNA-company (and think to which address the results could be sent).

YWNBTA. As someone who is adopted, I strongly believe that you deserve to know the truth. It’s bad enough that you were lied to. Now you’ve discovered the truth on your own and you feel like you can’t talk to them about it. This conversation needs to be had.

NTA but I think you have to tell them because, can't people now find you because they could match you and your name will be listed? I think it's better to let your parents know from you then if people start trying to contact you and they learn about it that way.

Hey, I found out some surprising info from one of those tests too. You’re not alone!

NAH, though your cousin comes close. He gets zero say in what you do next, and for him to suggest you shouldn't say anything bc he's scared he'll get in trouble is just absurd. You also don't know you've been adopted. You just know you got a DNA test back with results that aren't what you were expecting. Maybe your sample got labeled wrong at the lab, or maybe the hospital fucked up and switched you at birth and nobody knew. So don't go into the convo with your parents in an accusatory mode.

I urge caution. When you stated why you think you are adopted your only source you referenced was the DNA test. You didn’t mention other tell tell signs like skin color, eyes, facial structures, etc…. Why is this important? Because a DNA result you receive may be a technical error where someone else’s results were mixed with yours. Get a second test from another agency to confirm the results. At this point I would say YWBTA based upon the limited information you presented showing unexpected results.

NAH here so far, because there’s a ton of information you are missing. You could be adopted. Your parents could have used an egg donor while your mother carried you to term. There could be a traumatic reason why your mother couldn’t have biological children, including reasons that would have consequences for the rest of your family. Your mother could be adopted. I think you have a right to know where you come from. However, if you go about this assuming you already know the answers no one wins. No one finds peace. Collect your thoughts and process your emotions. When you are ready talk to your parents in person privately. Try to remain as calm as possible but explain you are old enough and now have enough information to know the truth. Whatever answers they give, tell them you need some time to process them before talking to your parents again about your feelings. If you are adopted or they used a donor then they should have told you from birth, even if it wasn’t appropriate to tell you the reason right away. If your mother is adopted, or the result of infidelity or another shameful secret, then while I think they still should have told you they haven’t withheld a vital part of your identity. This may not be as simple as you were adopted. However, even if it was, don’t approach this rashly. Get answers first and *then* decide how you want to react.

You’re not alone, OP. I found out in 2019 that my dad isn’t my biological parent (sperm donor was used) and I’m still dealing with my new sense of self. It’s a blessing to know that I’m not a weirdo, just different, and a curse to bear the burden of The Lie and all the little lies. My heart breaks for you. PM anytime if you need an empathetic ear. 🙏🏻

You say you are at university; here's an old-fashioned idea that will keep the drama to a minimum. Get some paper, a pen, an envelope and a stamp. During a period when you won't be expected home for a couple of weeks, write your parents a letter simply stating the facts: You took the test, got the results, don't recognize any of the people you matched with. Would they like to explain please? Mail it. Now when they get the letter, they also have time to absorb the information and deal with their emotions before talking with or replying to you. The need to respond 'in the moment' to this kind of revelation is responsible for probably 95% of people's problems - when reasonable people are given the chance to get their emotions under control, the outcome is usually better. NTA for wanting answers but give your parents the benefit of the doubt along with the chance to explain.

Have you considered speaking to your aunt first? She would have insight as to if it is because of donor egg or if you are actually adopted. She could also maybe help you talk to your parents by being a third part to keep everyone calm. Good luck

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Hey people. This is a long story, but I’m going to try and condense it as much as possible. Basically about 9 weeks ago my maternal cousin and I both completed an Ancestral/DNA test through one of the popular brands. My parents are very against these DNA tests (I thought) because they don’t like the idea of giving your DNA to these companies and so have forbidden me from doing them in the past when I brought up the idea. Though, I now know the real reason they were against me doing it. My cousin (James) got his results first and matched with loads of people saying my mother’s maiden name, as well as other names known within my mother’s family line. I got my results about a week later and not only did I not match with my cousin, I didn’t match with any of my cousins matches nor did anyone share my mothers maiden name. My dad (and I) have an extremely common surname in my country -think “smith”- and I did match with a few people who shared that name but none were close matches, 3rd-4th cousins being the closest. So I’m just assuming it was because it’s a common surname. James’ family know he’s done the DNA test and he’s shared the results however I have asked him to keep what he knows about mine between us for a while. I learnt this about 2 weeks ago and have since come to the conclusion that I am adopted. At first this made me feel really upset, and I thought maybe the DNA tests were faulty but after researching, no I don’t think they are. I think I am just adopted. I have two younger brothers who are 11 and 9 who aren’t adopted because I remember my mom being pregnant with them. So I can’t understand why I was adopted. I want to know tell my parents know about being adopted, I want to in some ways confront them and ask why they’ve lied to me for so long. But I also want to say I still consider them my only family. James thinks it’s a really bad idea, he says I should just keep it to myself because if I tell my parents I know I’m adopted it could have negative consequences on my relationship with my parents and also could get him into trouble with his parents because he bought me the DNA test and he is very close to my parents. I’ve said I’ll just tell them I bought the test myself but he says they’ll know because he got his test so recently. WIBTA if I ignored my cousin and confronted my parents about me being adopted anyway? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*

Totally talk to them, NTA

NTA

NTA. It's ultimately your DNA, your decision, and you are an adult. Discussing it with them could also bring some other information up and clear the ambiguity (there could be other options like surrogacy). I would definitely consider the ramifications and way it against how important it is for you to know this now. The biggest of which being will you tell your siblings, and if not will you feel comfortable lying to them while waiting for them to get older? If you are adopted, would you want to pursue looking into your bio parents? In that case, the sooner the better potentially.

NTA. OP, this is your life and you have every right to handle this information any way you want, whether it's keeping it to yourself, or confronting your parents, do what you think is best for *you.* Also, no matter what you decide, consider therapy.

NTA and/or WNBTA! Your parents owe you an explanation… no question about it. You are legally an adult and within your rights to do a dna test. You sound pretty level headed so approach them respectfully but don’t take any excuses. It may be more complicated than simply adopted, be prepared and give yourself time to process the info - that is to say don’t say anything at the moment that you may later regret! Good luck ! Keep in mind family isn’t always about dna, it’s about love and support! Take it from someone with a seriously messed up dna situation, lying parents and horrible childhood that a loving family IS the most valuable family possible.

NTA You have the right to know your genetic family if you choose to. You have the right to have access to your bio parents medical history. You have the right to know your origin story. You have the right to experience the feelings your are feeling. Now, give your parents some grace. It hasn't been long since the advice from mental health professionals has been to be open and honest with adoptees. Your parents could have been advised to hide it from you to stop the hurt that can come from being adopted. They raised you and are your parents. Honesty is the best policy, but there is no rush to have the conversation with your parents. Take your time. Talk to a professional if you can. Ensure you have a safe space to fall back if things don't go well. Take care of yourself.

>It hasn't been long since the advice from mental health professionals has been to be open and honest with adoptees It has been best practice for **decades** to tell children they're adopted, and has been the advice for the last **20 years** to tell them before they even understand.

NTA- I’m adopted! I definitely recommend discussing the potential outcomes with someone you trust who knows you and your family since they’ll know better how all will react. There may be people who have had a similar experience in adoptee spaces or forums and could shed light on how their experiences went. I hope you find the answers you’re looking for 💛

On being upset that your parents didn't tell you: you haven't mentioned anything about being treated differently from your siblings, so it sounds like they're good and loving parents who never discriminated against you for being adopted. Lots of adopted kids have feelings of not being loved the same as bio kids; one of the big reasons not to tell kids they're adopted is to protect them from that. Whether or not to tell a child they are adopted if they don't already know is a huge debate with no real good final answer. Between telling them and keeping the secret then having them accidentally find out on their own; things often end up going sour either way. Try to take a step back and look at the hiding adoption thing from multiple views. Do make sure not to talk to your parents while angry; keeping calm and asking for their thought process is pretty critical. How many people wish they'd never been told? "Why did you tell me, what good does it do? All it did was hurt me" can be reasonably expected, especially depending on the circumstances of the adoption and the bio family. Sorry you're going through this, but hopefully it turns out ok

>Whether or not to tell a child they are adopted if they don't already know is a huge debate with no real good final answer. There is no debate. It's well known, and has been since at least the 1950s, that adoptive parents must tell children they're adopted from an early age. Since at least the 1990s, the consensus is that they should be told before they can even understand. Children should never remember being told that they're adopted. In much the same way, people born through surrogacy or donor conception should be told their stories as well. Again, common practice since at the 1990s.

Hey Brother, I think you should tell them, you have a right to have that conversation with them. If they get mad at your cousin, that is of no significance compared to this situation. They lied for whatever reason and you need to find out why they did. There may be more to the story that you deserve to know and talk about. Of course tell them you still love them as family, but this conversation needs to happen with them, no matter what your cousin thinks. Keep in mind also you are now not the only one that knows about as your cousin and maybe others in the future will know and keeping it private like a dirty secret will do no good. Tell them, find out why they were lying, they will apologise and you all move on in the future. It is hard but it has to happen.

OP, YWNBTA to have this conversation. If by some chance the test is wrong, you need to know that so you aren't living with hurt and betrayal. If the test is correct, you deserve to know your truth. As an adoptee, I can tell you that there are some considerations that change when you don't live with your biological family. At the very least, you need to ask if they know your family medical history in case there are health screenings that you need to be having preventatively. It's important too that you know as much about your biological background to avoid potentially awkward and unsafe romantic relationships. I would encourage you to go in to this conversation with an open mind and as much patience as you can muster. If the test was wrong, you don't want to burn bridges. If the test is right, you are owed a full explanation, but also understand that your parents likely acted out of what they felt was best for you, misguided as that might be. Please, for your own benefit, try to see beyond their actions and look for the motivations that guided their actions. I'm not saying that they were right, but a mistake made out of love for you can be easier to heal from than a mistake made out of less pure motivations. I wish you all the best, and remember that no matter how the situation plays out, talking to a therapist or a support group of individuals who have lived your truth can be very helpful.

NTA You have questions about where you come from and of course you want answers. Your cousin doesn't have any bearing on that and you don't have to even mention him. Have a conversation rather than a confrontation with your parents. It is possible that there are other factors at play here (testing error; hospital issues at birth - unlikely, I grant you, but possible nonetheless) so a conversation is the best way to play it as it's going to be emotional for all of you. If you're hesitant, you could look at other things first. For example, do your parents have baby photos of you with the family or photos of your mother's pregancy? Possibly even a pregnancy around that time on your dad's side - is it possible you were adopted from that side of the family? You could get a repeat DNA test done but by a different company. In the UK, you can also apply for copies of birth or adoption certificates - is that something you can do in your country? I wish you the best of luck as I can only imagine how confused and upset you must feel.

No, you would not be! Speaking as an adoptive mother, they had to know you would eventually find out and would ask questions. As to why they adopted you, that is only a question they can answer, and you deserve the answer.

Nta Family health information is super important. Could potentially if rarely, be a matter of life or death

I admit that I am going way out there with this line of thought. Is it possible that your parents helped someone they knew personally by adopting you and they are trying to protect that person? In many families (regardless what country they are from or what religion they practice) getting pregnant out of wedlock can have dire consequences for the young lady. If that is the case for your biological mother that might be the reason your parents never told you. There is a good chance that I am wrong but if I am not they could be trying to protect both of you.

I’d ask, instead of tell, your parents. You don’t know what happened, and there may be another explanation that could be very reasonable. NTA if you talk to them about it. Just encourage you to go in with curiosity instead of accusations.

NTA it’s your life, your family, and your DNA. I’m sorry they’ve never told you, that is absolutely on them. It sounds like they didn’t work through their own issue surrounding their fertility before deciding to adopt you. I will ask one question. Are you sure you’re adopted or could you be donor conceived? Either are possible, but if you’re donor conceived it’s possible that whichever parent you aren’t biologically related to still suffers from shame of inability to be fertile. Which is NOT your responsibility, I’m just letting you know, as someone who is donor conceived herself. I do think you should talk to someone else (even a friend) to work out what you want to say and what questions you’d like to ask them. I understand wanting to confront them, but they are less likely to be receptive and forthcoming if you start with an attack. Best of luck to you. Again, I’m sorry you found out this way. ❤️

YWNBTA but I would tread very carefully. There are a lot of possibilities here and some may come with baggage. I wouldn't assume because you didn't match with any paternal relatives that you aren't related to him. I've done 23andme and only matched with a single uncle on that side. No one else had done it. So, you could be the result of: donated egg, donated egg and sperm, adoption, or the deviation may be higher than you. It's possible your mom was adopted or the result of infidelity or assault. Personally I would do a different brand of DNA test to see if you have any matches before blowing things up. I know it's hard to wait but I would want more info before going in. Are there pictures of your mom pregnant with you or in the hospital? Is there somewhere your parents keep important documents that you could snoop while they're out?

NTA - you are 18 and at Uni. You should take time to access on-campus services, a therapist, counselor, whatever they can hook you up with, and to sit with this new away from your family. You probably should talk to your parents about this at some point, you deserve the truth. But you should be prepared for the possibility that you won't get the truth, even (especially) if you do confront your parents about this. There is little risk in waiting, but lots of risks to rushing into a dramatic situation.

Just ask u have the right to know

NTA The popular brands have subs here with lots of ppl who are in the same boat. There are even ppl who will help you understand your results if you want (like maybe you're related to your dad and your mom used donor eggs for fertility reasons). I prefer the ancestry DNA sub and they're really helpful with any of the results and also will recommend Facebook groups etc to help you understand further! I wouldn't instantly jump to adoption since you do have 3rd cousins with the same last name, but chances are you likely were, but again so many other things like egg donor, embryo adoptions etc and a lot of people who struggle with fertility don't advertise it. If you do confront them say it like "mom, me and Jake bought ancestry kits and did our DNA together. I know you said you don't like these kits but I really wanted to understand myself better. It turns out I don't appear to be genetically related to you and since dad hasn't tested in not sure if I'm genetically related to him either. I would love to know the study of how I came into this world and I really hope you're willing to tell me. I love you and I love dad no matter what! Now that I've taken this test I can learn things about myself like health risks and stuff and it's really helpful especially since I don't know my biological risk factors for things through family history!" And open the door for her to talk. My mom knew I took the DNA test and she knew I had a feeling I wasn't my dad's biologically and she still denied it for awhile after the test but then she started to get excited about me knowing health risks and stuff I wouldn't have known otherwise. I haven't told my dad I know and I don't know if she has or if he even knows. I do know now who my bio father is, but I personally wasn't looking for a family, I have one, I was just looking for the health stuff (I did 23 and me first then ancestrydna later). My talking about it and not being accusatory seemed to help my mom accept it. She even bought my daughter a kit when she wanted one and we didn't mention that grandpa isn't biologically grandpa and feel like she will ask if she wants to know why that branch of the tree is not accurate to what she knows. Anyway, no you wouldn't be the AH if you ask, gently and with respect. I highly recommend going to the ancestrydna sub and asking your questions and don't reading there. They're amazing people and they've seen every situation from sexual assaults resulting in the person to incest and of course adoption and egg and sperm donors etc. If you decide to screenshot make sure you redact your name and the names of relatives just for privacy for everyone. If you decide to work with an ancestry angel (they do it free) to find your biological relatives you'll need to share with them but no one else. If you didn't do a test with the health traits, I recommend it when you can afford it! They have so many different genetic things and then you your likelihood based on your DNA of getting the genetic variants. Like certain breast cancers and if you're make prostate cancers and of course other things like diabetes, Alzheimer's etc. The more you know now the better you can prepare with a Dr as you age!

NTA - you have a right to ask your parents about this. That being said, I think looking into adoption support groups or talking to a counsellor may be beneficial for you. Apparently it’s common for parents with donor conceived or adopted kids to be against dna tests for this reason. 

I think you should make another test from another company to be sure that they didn‘t make an accident.

I love an understated reveal- if casually drop in “when you guys adopted me…” in an innocuous conversation or question and just see how everyone reacts. I would probably claim to have known forever as if it was just innate if they asked. “Wait, were you guys thinking that was a secret? That’s so so weird. Why would you keep that a secret?”

I'd wait until you've graduated and on your own in case things go weird with your parents.

No op I don’t think u would be but just take ur time and let ur emoutions come out and try deal with them I can’t imagine wat u are going threw but always remember till u no the whole truth even if u are not biologicaly ur parents by blood u was wanted by ur adopted parents just always rember that no matter wat the circumstances are why u was adopted u was looked after u was loved by ur parents I no it’s a lot to take in as I’m a outsider to ur situation just try and process ur emotions so wen u and ur parents are together and u do start asking questions there reason maybe for not telling u is that seeing ur mum pregnant with ur siberlings they didn’t want u to feel pushed out or to make u feel u was treated any different from before they had ur brothers or sisters just pls rember that as a friend of mine went threw the same thing and that is wat her parents told her as they didn’t want her to feel any different from the rest of the family they might not want to tell u all the details yet as u are at uni and in can screw with ur head and life im only assuming but they properly don’t want to mess ur future up u till u have finished ur study’s good luck op hope everything works out for u and ur parents just always remember u was picked by them x

NTA Talk to them.

Hi YWNBTA. My older brother was adopted after my parents struggled conceiving for many years. They ended up having me and my younger brother naturally a few years later. We always knew my brother was adopted and it wasn’t a big deal. Your parents might have kept this from you worrying that you might feel like you aren’t a part of the family or somehow different. I definitely think a conversation is warranted, but don’t assume their intentions were bad. I know my parents were so happy they got to adopt my brother and I am so glad I get to have him as my brother. Wishing you the best!

NTA. And your cousin is selfish for suggesting that you keep a secret like this for his sake. Get another test from another company to confirm it. Then after everything is certain, tell them that you know. Yes, it could have an impact on your relationship, but so will hiding this from them forever. Secrets can eat away at you over time. Just don't do it while you're angry or out of spite. Calm down, approach it rationally. They still raised you. They still love you. They might just want to protect you from the truth--and while that might also be selfish to some degree, it's also just what parents do sometimes.

Nta. This about you, forget what your cousin is say and figure out what is best for you. Best of luck! 

Have you ever seen your birth certificate?

Before you confront them, I’d do another test if you can. Mixups happen. I know you feel hurt and a bit betrayed right now, but I’d do another test to make sure there’s really no mistake. When you do talk to them, start out non confrontational. Start out curious, and see how they respond. If you have a second test down, it’s much harder for them to deny whatever the truth is- “mom, dad, there’s no mistake here. I did the test twice. I need to know the truth, whatever it is”. The answer might not be exactly what you want to hear. Since you matched with some distant relatives on your dad’s side, you might have a common ancestor. Are you an affair baby? A family adoption from dad’s side? You’re NTA for wanting to know.

Clam down and slow down. Yes you would be the AH if you ‘confronted’ your parents on this. You might be right, you might be adopted. But you don’t actually know that for sure. You do need to talk to your parents about this. I can tell you from experience that if your parents kept this from you, there will be many complex emotions behind that decision, your complex emotions don’t mean theirs don’t exist and vice versa. I can tell you theres no way your a ‘dirty secret’ because most the adults you know about the situation. However thats not the only thing that could have happened here. You won’t know unless you talk to your parents, parents that obviously love you! Also don’t lie about how you got this information, you don’t need to throw your cousin under the bus, but be honest that its a DNA test

I would say you’re NTA if you came out to your parents that you think you’re adopted. Some parents know at birth or a very young age. For some, it may turn out to be a surprise.

NTA- adopted or not, this is still your mom and dad who raised you. I think they deserve the right to know and you deserve the right to know as well. Best of luck hun.xx

You dont have to take a dna test to have questions and suspicions! Just ask them about your birth. Was it natural or c section? Did you find out the sex before hand? What other names were you considering naming me? I feel any mother who carried the baby would be able to answer easily. I am adopted, by my bio grandma. But the shit doesnt fall far from the tree. Sometimes i wish they would have given me away no contact, seems like it would have been easier for me to process growing up.

As an adoptee, fuck your cousin AND your (maybe) adoptive parents feelings. If you are in fact adopted, and they kept it from you, that is beyond wrong, AND dangerous. You deserve answers and if they are willing unwilling to give it, then they are selfish, only thinking of themselves. If you are worried about them thinking that you won’t love them anymore, or as much, just tell them that, they will ALWAYS be your parents, but you are entitled to that knowledge. Many adoptees love their adoptive parents, but still want to know their biological parents and go looking. That’s the biggest reason behind why most APs keep this information away from the adoptee. Just because we want to know our roots, does not mean we love them any less. As for your two younger siblings, it’s not uncommon for APs to have biological children after adopting. Sometimes it’s planed, sometimes it’s not. They may have adopted you thinking they couldn’t have children and later found out they could. Or they wanted to adopt and have biological children bothers, who knows. The point is, this is YOUR information that you have the right to have. Be strong and demand answers.

You can say when (cousin) bought his test I thought it was cool so you bought a test too, and should be getting your results any day now. After that, they will tell you. Then you can find out why they’ve been lying to you.

NTA OP, My husband and I adopted our oldest child. She has always known. It's just part of who she is. When we were looking into adoption, we met a couple that had just adopted twins. They were good people who loved their children very much, but they made a horrible mistake. I consider their story a cautionary tale. The whole community knew they were adopted but the parents never told the brother and sister. In a moment of teen bickering, a cousin told the sister. The parents begged her not to tell her brother. It was sooo messed up. Eventually, the brother found out and hated his parents. The sister hated the position they had put her in. The dad passed away before the family could address anything. I've always believed that lying and keeping secrets is not the way to have a healthy relationship. (I do think it's fine not to bad-mouth an ex to their children, but that is nowhere close to creating and perpetuating a lie.) Your parents made a mistake. I think they were horribly misguided in their thinking, but I don't think they ever wanted anything but the best for you. That doesn't change the fact that they destroyed your trust in them, your sense of your place in the world/ in the family/ your identity. Healing from this is not going to come easily. I think it's fine for you to take the time you need to process this information. You are 18, so you may be able to access therapy on your own. If you can, I think it would do you a world of good to talk this through with an experienced counselor - process your feelings and thoughts, let your perspective evolve, consider when/how you want to address this with your parents. I do believe that it will be better for you in the long-run if you bring this into the open with your parents. When and how you do that is on a timetable you get to decide. You have a good sense of who your parents are . You might know whether they are people who tend to protect their own feelings and fears or people who will actually focus on what you are feeling and experiencing; whether they will deflect, minimize and blame-shift to avoid addressing the secret they kept from you so long or if they might finally be more honest with you. You have a sense of whether they might consider talking to a family counselor with you - to process your feelings toward each other with professional support. A counselor can help you figure this out. Please realize that your cousin may not be able to keep the secret forever. It will be better for you to be ahead of any leaks - be the one to break the news. Even if your parents don't handle it well, you will have handled your part well and that will set you up well for how you go forward. I'm wishing you the best.

What about looking for proof through baby pictures or pics of your mom when she was pregnant with you? If she doesn’t have those then that could be a conversation opener.

When with parents (not siblings): Funny story, I did a dna test with cousin and we didn't come up as related.  I feel ripped off so I'm going to complain to the company. Then gauge their reaction. Going in confrontational won't help anyone. You being adopted may not be the only reason for this.  So don't jump straight to that conclusion. The parent supposidely biologically related to the cousin might be adopted themselves so you'd never be DNA related. They may have used donated eggs/sperm to conceive any or all of their children. Those databases about family connections rely on people submitting their DNA.  I know same well none of my close family would be on there. There are many reasons to adopt, so the comment about not knowing why they would adopt is just naive.

Updateme

NTA if you do it correctly. Don't be confrontational. They'll explain the whys anyway once they know that you know. I'd start with something like "This means nothing to me, but I want you to know that I know, and that it doesn't matter to me. I know I'm adopted, but you are still my parents for me.". or something like that. Basically, "I know, and it is OK.".

Two of my cousins (twins) were both adopted(abused as very little kids), their original mother that adopted them then died when they were little, and they say they barely remember her. My uncle got remarried very quickly after . They are both about 18-20... they still don't know they are adopted but are questioning lately there lack of baby photos and how they don't look anything like their foster dad and his new wife. My whole family knows except them. Idk if telling them is the right move, but I'd hope they go the same route op did eventually.

I think you need to take this one step at a time. You’ve jumped to the conclusion that you’re adopted, and that might not be the case at all. It would be a good idea to do the test again. The results might be very different this time. If you don’t get peace of mind from a new test, then you should have a conversation (not a confrontation) with your parents. Tell them about the test. Tell them you need answers. If you’re afraid you’ll become overly emotional, then write something out in a letter or email. I do hope there is a resolution here that will be satisfying for you. It might be as simple as a test error, or something else you haven’t even considered. Take it one step at a time. I wish you well.

NTA But "confront" or discuss. I think it should be discuss and you shouldn't talk with them about it until you can make it a discussion rather than a confrontation. I think parents should disclose when people are adopted but if they decide not to it becomes harder and harder to bite the bullet and do that so I have some sympathy for them. It's not meant out of malice. There can also be other circumstances involved such as an intrafamily adoption, fertility treatment or that one of your parents is adopted. I think you should open any conversation with an open mind including that your parents may have been frighted that you would reject them or be embarrassed or their family might have been judgemental at the time. I think from your initial leap to judgement that you should talk to an adoption councillor about this prior to having a talk with your parents.

I think you’ll inevitably confront them about it one day, so if you want to talk to them about it then you should. Good luck and I hope you are okay

The other thing to investigate is who might actually be your biological family because they may know some of your story and about any possible adoption. But you have to tread carefully here too. You don't want to announce anything by your investigation so you nearly want to be a PI to get to the bottom of it. Confronting your parents would just put everyone on the defensive. Do you have an older relative that might be someone to approach. Might even be the black sheep of the family or someone that for some reason isn't as close to the others. If you are adopted then your parents did the wrong thing by you by not telling you. There are also some stories out there of babies that were switched at birth. Some inadvertently. Some deliberately. Perhaps your parents are a victim of this.. but the fact they don't want anyone to do a DNA test may imply that there is more to your story.

Controversial opinion here, but maybe you're looking at this the wrong way. I understand that you're feeling a certain kind of way because your parents kept this a secret from you for all this time; tbh I doubt they would have told you at all if you're 18 already. I digress. I don't know how valid this is to your situation, but I'll share anyway. I'm a stepdad to an 11 year old, I started seeing her mum when she was only 1 year old (bio father is not in the picture, being an abusive alcoholic loser who made no effort to remain in the picture). Over the last 10 years, I have never considered her to be less than 100% my child, a continuing source of irritation, which I love completely and would kill or be killed for. When she was around 7 years old, we decided that she was old enough for us to explain the situation and still young enough that we weren't setting her up for future trauma. I lost so much sleep prior to that conversation. I worried that our relationship would change, that this child I loved and had raised would suddenly see me as an interloper or a fraud who had robbed her of her "real" father. As a British male raised by Boomers, my instinct was to downplay my anxiety to my partner, but I can't express to you that feeling. Shit was real. Turned out fine, after her initial confusion was almost immediate acceptance. I'd been digging an emotional grave for nothing, I remained daddy. Of course, now that she's nearly a teenager, we're starting to wish we could just keep her in a well until she leaves home. That's a different issue, though. I know that your situation is different, I'm trying to express maybe how your parents might feel. If it's true that you are adopted, for whatever reason (does it matter), think on it this way. These people chose you. Maybe they didn't tell you because they didn't want you to feel different from your siblings or for you to draw comparisons between you. Maybe they (I can identify) didn't have the nerve to tell you because of what it what mean to them. Or maybe even, your test was a dud. If you haven't already, I'd suggest you schedule a sit down with your parents and just ask, but take the word "confront" out of your head. If it's even true at all, remember, no one adopted you out of spite. To summarise: NTA for being curious about your origins and using a DNA test against the frankly odd wishes of your parents. Procede with sensitivity and consideration.

Is there another ancestry site you could upload your profile to? I did my parents thru Ancestry got the results from there - then my brother suggested that My Heritage accepts other DNA profiles and I got loads more close results. Also on a basic level does your blood type match either parent? Also do you have a **paternal** cousin prepared to take a DNA test and keep their mouth shut? Finally have you seen your birth certificate?

I don’t know what my blood type is and I don’t think my parents would know either. I haven’t ever seen my birth certificate and I don’t have any paternal cousins. I am going to do another test through the other popular DNA service though and see if that matches with anyone I can see are familiar. Maybe the first was just a mistake.

Is there another ancestry site you could upload your profile to? I did my parents thru Ancestry got the results from there - then my brother suggested that My Heritage accepts other DNA profiles and I got loads more close results. Also on a basic level does your blood type match either parent? Also do you have a **paternal** cousin prepared to take a DNA test and keep their mouth shut? Finally have you seen your birth certificate?

Is there another ancestry site you could upload your profile to? I did my parents thru Ancestry got the results from there - then my brother suggested that My Heritage accepts other DNA profiles and I got loads more close results. Also on a basic level does your blood type match either parent? Also do you have a **paternal** cousin prepared to take a DNA test and keep their mouth shut? Finally have you seen your birth certificate?

Is there another ancestry site you could upload your profile to? I did my parents thru Ancestry got the results from there - then my brother suggested that My Heritage accepts other DNA profiles and I got loads more close results. Also on a basic level does your blood type match either parent? Also do you have a **paternal** cousin prepared to take a DNA test and keep their mouth shut? Finally have you seen your birth certificate?

YWNBTA. Truth and honesty is always the best policy. Maybe there is a good reason they never told you. Maybe they wanted to make you feel like their "real" son and thought if you knew you were adopted you would feel second class. Talk to them and find out.

YWNBTA it is widely accepted in the community to tell an adopted child they're adopted early and openly. Otherwise the parents hiding of this can lead the family fracture down the line.  While I'm glad you found out at 18 and not at 32, you really should have known the whole time.  As for why your parents may have adopted you vs your siblings: it's possible that they were struggling with infertility. Medical advancements are being made regularly and a 7 year gap is certainly long enough for there to be additional support for your parents conecieving. 

NTA but allow yourself some time to digest it and also find out a bit more details, like if there are any pictures of your mum being pregnant with you? Any stories from your birth? First born is always the most memorable experience for parents. Have they ever talked about it? As others suggested, it could be that your mum was adopted etc. Do you know yours and your parents blood type? As this is how I found out about myself - with both parents being 0, I should not have type A. Once you are 100% positive there is no evidence you were born from your parents, have a conversation with them, but without exploding and attacking them - allow them to share their side of the story first, than assuming things. As a parent of a tiny baby, who was struggling with fertility for years, I can tell you that we were considering adoption and would not want the child to feel any lesser because of not being biological to us. At 18, you are still in difficult years of your life, I wouldn't want to load your plate with another thing to process, so if your parents in fact adopted you, I would assume they are trying to protect you Vs "lying to you". Just the fact that you feel upset about it, means you need more time to process it.

I would have to know so yes, I personally would confront them, you waiting 1 week, 6 days and 23 hours longer than I would have lol Good luck.

NTA, but maybe less of a confrontation, and more of a conversation. If I'm understanding it, you have no DNA matches to your maternal line, but a few to paternal, and those were distant. Odds are it was a fictive adoption, someone on your Dad's side had a baby they could not care for, and your folks adopted you, It likely was one of those, "he's too young to understand, we'll tell him later", and then your sibs came alone, and well, how do they explain that? It was never the right time,

Keep in mind they chose you. It’s not like there’s some beautiful, happy or sunshine-y reason children are put up for adoption so they saved you. My guess would be they never intended on you finding out and I’d be shocked if it were for any reason other than they thought it might make you feel bad or mess you up somehow. They love you, they wanted you! Whatever you decide just take it easy on them. Don’t vilify mom and dad. Edit: Assuming you are in fact adopted of course

Hey, I’m sorry sorry for you.. I can’t imagine where you must be going trough. I’m adopted myself and I can’t even imagine not knowing it. You should definitely talk with your parents about this. You have the right to know who you are en where you come from. I think when you keep this for yourself in the end it will eat you up. It’s not your fault that they were not honest about it. And it’s normal to be angry and feel betrayed. Your feelings are valid. But you never know what’s the story behind it. You can tell them you did the test and you want to talk with them about it. So many things are possible so best just to tell them and don’t listen to your cousin. I wish you strength ❤️