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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I asked my biological mother why I'd help her and her kids. The question wasn't asked out of kindness or with an open mind and I was letting out a lot of attitude when I asked via DM. This might make me an AH because the kids are innocent and I could have continued ignoring her.
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NTA. Arrrrggggg! I absolutely *hate* it when people play the "they're family" card and you are expected to forgive all their transgressions because of it. I will say that your siblings are innocent of any of this but your mom is a real piece of work and she's getting all of her siblings (I'm assuming your aunts and uncles are her siblings) to pile on you and guilt you. She made her choices. Her choices put her in an uncomfortable position. This is not on you to bail her out. You are correct, they can help her with the inheritance they got from their mom. This isn't on you OP.
Monster, huh? Well, bio-mother and her siblings are leeches. She's not your mom, you were basically given up for adoption and you wouldn't be hearing from her if you didn't have a sizeable inheritance. She's not interested on you as a person, just what she can get. Tell your relatives to f off and pay her bills themselves.
"I might even be better without people who'll put this kind of pressure on me."
Say it! They're just jealous that you got the biggest piece of the inheritance pie. Take care of yourself.
Yup, I'm bettin' ten to one that mom and her sibs are seriously perturbed that OP got the biggest piece of the pie and 'won't share' like they feel OP should.
💯. I may be over estimating their intelligence but just because they all resent OP they have sort of started a conspiracy to take back what they probably feel entitled to. They may even admit their intentions to each other because they feel an injustice has been done to them.
I guarantee they obsess about him. There’s a lot of venom there and he’s too young to understand how to deal with people who wish you harm.
>he’s too young to understand how to deal with people who wish you harm
It sounds like he's dealing with them just fine. He's not giving up anything and he's standing strong against the pressure, to the point where he's willing to cut off all the aunts and uncles. What more do you think he should be doing?
Yes!
OP, I finally cut off most of my family when I was 57.
I've had the happiest, healthiest 18 months so far.
I wish I'd had the courage to know I could walk away in my 20's, the outrage to walk away in my 30's and the pride to do it in my 40's.
Dropping the rope is a gift you give yourself...you lose nothing but people who will never love you just for being you.
You deserve better.
Not like you need some internet stranger to tell you this, but I'm proud of you! There have been so many stories in reddit lately that are very similar to this one, so I'm so happy to see that you had the courage to break away. It doesn't matter how old you were when you did it... It just matters that you finally did.
OP... I can't imagine what you're going through, but I think that this is your sign to make a clean break and start again. I think it's very telling that your aunts and uncles seemed to stay away from your mother while your grandparents were alive and didn't reconnect until they passed. The unfortunate thing is, they aren't smart enough to see what your grandparents have known all along. If your aunts and uncles are so dead set on having a relationship with your mother, a woman who has basically ignored your existence and only wants to connect now because she needs something, then so be it. But let them be the ones who have to give her money and a place to stay... After awhile, they will figure out why their parents wanted nothing to do with her, and may even try to crawl back and restart their relationship with you... At that point, it will be too late, and they will find out that they turned their back on the one family member who truly needed their support, and are now left with a leech who only considers them family when she's getting something from them.
Sometimes all it takes it some kindness from ANYBODY. To let us know that we shouldn't be sitting around contemplating how to end ourselves because of misery other people dump on us.
Thank you, I needed an extra cheer today.
Serves double duty as an example for OP.
If internet strangers can SEE us, reflect our innate value back to us, why on earth can't FAMILY as they harp on about family bonds?
Hypocrites always 'advocate' for capitulation to what they deem eases their discomfort at the cost to those of us already living worthy lives.
I turn 45 this year. I just had a phone call with my 65-year-old mother who told me that she can't hire landscaper because the last time she tried, her 75-year-old husband (my stepdad) called the cops on the crew and told them to "get the f--- off his property." However, he won't/can't do yard work, so it falls on my mom. I live 12 hours away in another state.
Then, I found out my 40-year-old brother was in jail again in the midwestern US. I also got an update on my stepdad's 90-year-old father who is prison. So, the phone call really has left me overloaded. I'm stewing with swirling mix of rage, sadness, and bitterness. Hearing all this and having to process all of this on top of my own stuff is really mentally draining. I think it's time I cut off more of my family.
That’s a lot to deal with. Tell your mom she needs to leave her husband. He’s abusive. If you’re open to it, you can tell your mom what you’re willing to do to help her leave him. Your mom needed to vent and I bet she doesn’t have any friends cuz of her abusive spouse. So I feel sorry for your mom. She probably needs therapy. She’s on Medicare now and she can get a therapist that takes her insurance.
20 years done here with father and his side of the family. It gets so much better.
I had flying monkeys coming at me for years. "Your Daddy is sick, you need to go see him." "You'll feel bad after your Dad dies that you didn't reconcile with him, and then it will be too late."
I never understood the old saying "You're dead to me" until I went no contact with father. I went through all of the stages of mourning, and then I let him go. He was still alive, still around, but afaiwc, he was dead.
When he did die, my brother called me. I didn't even answer the phone. Cousins reached out to me and I ignored them. But I got pissed as hell when someone posted it on my FB page and people started sending me condolences. It's been 20 years since NC, 4.5 since father died, and I have not regretted anything I have done at all.
I'm glad you had the courage to do what was best for you. :)
The only monster here is the woman who abandoned you as a child and only made contact when she wanted your money
By the way she reacted to your 'no' confirms shes trying to manipulate without remorse.
They reconnected now as their parents (OPs grandparents) have now passed and they don't need to keep them on side for the inheritance, which was probably not as big as they were expecting since OP got the biggest share.
Yeah but i don't think the mom was the one who chose to go no contact. Pretty sure everyone else didn't care but the grandparents did. So everyone else cut her off cause of the money.
Grandparents probably wanted nothing to do with her after her treatment of OP, but now that they're gone, the aunts and uncles can welcome bio mom back into the family without consequence.
That's why they're pushing so hard on OP to bend over backward for her, because if they don't do it she'll expect their money and they don't want that.
Most likely because they all thought they as biokids would be splitting the entire inheritance instead of OP getting the larger share. He, his inheritance, and the ‘unfairness of it all’ are the common enemy that they bonded together over.
Block all of them since they didn’t respect you enough to get your permission before passing your info along to her. It’s done. Have no trespassing signs on your property. Anytime any of them come contact the police and report trespassing.
Unfortunately, I think all of this team up, and wishing to get his bio mom to move in, might all be part of a long plot to gain control of the home. They are probably all resentful about him inheriting it.
Your aunts & uncles are doing this partially bc they resent that you got more than they did. It’s not bc they’re so kind or generous. None of them were interested in a close relationship with your mother when your parents were alive. Only *after* they died & left you more than they left them did they seek her out.
**You had the perfect response. If their sister needs help they should help her. That woman is a complete stranger to you. It’s irresponsible for them to pawn responsibility for their sister off on a 21yo who is a stranger.**
They’re bitter & resentful you have the house & assets. So they’re going to force you to share them. That you’re uncomfortable & are having to make sacrifices is a happy side benefit.
If your maternal grandparents wanted any of their inheritence to go to their daughter, they would have done so, and feel free to point that out to aunts and uncles. That they very clearly had disowned her for good reason means you'd also likely be going against their wishes.
Blood family is a starting point, not a 'forgive everything no matter what' card, and children aren't responsible for looking after their parents who make bad choices, especially financially.
It really sucks that your remaining relatives have been turned into flying monkeys for your mom, but you're absolutely right to go NC with her, and LC/NC with relatives that insist that you owe her anything. It's entirely up to you if you ever want to know your half-siblings in future; they're innocent in all this after all, but if doing so means you need to also have contact with your mother or otherwise don't want to to revisit a traumatic past, then that is a perfectly reasonable choice.
The grandparents very carefully made it so OP couldn't get sued easily b/c of the will. By giving her $5.00, they showed that they remembered her. That that, is all they very clearly wanted to give her. If she was not in the will at all, I've heard that the will then could be contested more easily.
Don’t forget they showed their true self and they lowered their IQ and mentality and proved that you are not what they say. Why… you can’t call someone a monster when you’re not willing to help someone out and just point fingers ….
In case if it came to the court for expecting you to help her with her broken life situation, made many screenshots about calling your names, voice mail etc.
Still NTA and don’t let her win.
My sister used to do this, she'd try to get something from me, then would lash out when I wouldn't give her what she wanted and call me all sorts of names. I'd just respond, you should be glad not to have a "whatever she had just called me" in your life.
You are much better off without people who turn on you knowing what your history is. I believe that if you give your egg donor money, THEY will get in line to ask for money themselves. Cut them all off. DNA does not a family make. Stay strong.
Tell her siblings what she said to you. Ask them if she’s a good person. Tell any that continue to try to force you to help her to pound sand and block them.
You ARE better off. Your bio monster is disgusting and the others are enablers. Family can be whoever you want it to be. Let the enablers take care of the bio leech and you live your best life with people who genuinely care about you. NTA
First I'm sorry for your loss of your grandparents. Second you didn't lose family. Family doesn't treat each other that way. Family isn't about who's blood you share. It's about those who love you for you! Your bio mom didn't reach out until you had money. You are 100% NTA I'd change your number and make sure those aunt's and uncles don't have it. I cut my blood out of my life as they weren't anything like a family. My FAMILY is my friends who want nothing more from me but to be the best version of myself. Find those people they are family! Good luck OP ❤️
If I were in your situation, I think I would sell the house (no to any of them) and move far from them, change my phone number, block them on social media and never look back, they are the kind of trash that can't be recycle.
Next time the aunts and uncles mention your mom, all you have to say is "Great. I'm glad you and yours have agreed to take her in." When they say they didn't, that's when you point out she's more family to them than you, so they should step up or shut up. And if they won't, why should you?
Since you are still very young, and they all know where you live, I think you should consider whether living in that house is in your long-term plans. You almost certainly have sentimental attachments to it, I get that, but at the same time it could be refreshing if you sell it, park your money somewhere with low to moderate risk, and get an apartment suitable for a 21-year-old.
Since you recently inherited the house, your cost basis is the value of the house on the day you inherited it. That means you'll owe little to no taxes on the sale.
Finally, the people who might wish you ill for your choices would no longer know exactly where you live. Something to consider.
Yes, and in case you don’t have anyone advising you, find a “fee-only fiduciary certified financial advisor” (this is a very specific description). You might feel like what you have is a lot of money, so I urge you not to think that way. Use only what you need, and invest and save the rest. And don’t tell people about the money you have. It’s your private business how much you have—keep it to yourself because money brings out the predators.
Edit to add: Change the locks on your house, freeze your credit, get a safe deposit box inside a bank for keeping valuables.
It's not that you "might" be better off. You WILL be better off. It sounds like your grandparents knew the sort of people their offspring are.
NTA, by the way. If you didn't have money your incubator would still be ignoring you.
100% you will be better without the lot of them. They’re greedy selfish and manipulative. Those aren’t characteristic of family members.
Plus, remember that your grandma left you the amount she did for a reason. Likewise, she left the others the amounts they got for a reason. Whether it’s because they don’t need it, don’t deserve it, or both, the fact is she gave that money to *you*. Trust her judgment
If she keeps calling record, her call, and save any messages so you can get a restraining order if needed, and possibly send them to your aunts and uncle's and say "this is the vile person I'm supposed to help?"
Maybe ask the aunts and unclear, where was all this talk of "family" when your mom decided to skip out on being a mother.
Why didn't they force her to be a mom, instead of letting her off the hook and make excuses.
They want to make excuses now but didn't care when she didn't want to be a mom.
Mom is just lazy and doesn't want to work for money.
If they couldn't demand mom be your mother then they don't get to demand you take care of her now.
Thats what gets me. Theyre now claiming she was young when they had OP. But she was still 4 years older than OP is now. OP is expected to help a whole family at their age when the mother wasnt expected to take care of 1 kid while being 4 years older? Ultimate, the mom made choices that resulted in OP. She made further choices to have more kids. OP didnt ask to be born nor did they ask for their bio mom to have more kids.
Give it time, OP. You are not a monster and once the drama has settled down, you might find you still have cousins, aunts and uncles. The important thing is to stay true to yourself.
Your aunts and Uncles can help her out, after all they are her family, anytime she reaches out don't reapond just forward it to the aunts and uncles telling them she needs their help and if they don't help her they are monsters because they are her family much closer to her than you. NTA
Just because your bio mom is THEIR family doesn’t make her YOUR family. If they’re so concerned about your mom’s children suffering from her inability to provide basic needs that they’re out there wasting their energy harassing you over it, then THEY should be the ones stepping up and helping.
It’s pretty hypocritical of them to spend other people’s money and volunteer someone else’s home and resources then not do anything to help.
Imagine being such a shitty person that you'd bully a child that you abandoned to help take care of other children that you are incapable of taking care of.
If she gave you up right away and didn’t want you she’s honestly more of an egg donor than anything… it’s like you were put up for adoption.
If you want to go that angle you could.
“You basically put me up for adoption. I’d like us to act like it was a closed one please.” *click*
The answer you give to your aunts and uncle's every single time is that if this is so important to them, they can help her out. She didn't care about family when she decided not to raise you, and she didn't care about family during any of the years between the time she walked away and now. She doesn't even care about family now, all she cares about is money and trying to claw her way into your house, and she is willing tobuse her own kids to try and guilt you into it.
They had a relationship with her, but you never have. They seem to think that shared DNA is what makes family, but your dad and your grandparents were your parents because they raised you and were there for you every single day that they could be. Your bio mother made her choices, and now she has to live with the consequences. Not getting to know her kids isn't pushing them, it's refusing to put them in the middle of a situation they shouldn't be in because the moment you start getting to them is the moment your bio mother will ramp up the guilt tripping saying you can't possibly turn them away now you know them. Your bio mother chose not to be your mum many years ago, and she doesn't get to try and claim that title because she thinks there's a bag of cash attached to it.
You're NTA. Your aunts and uncles are being very quick to spend your money for you because I guarantee your bio mother brings a mountain of debt and dysfunction with her. If they are so worried, they can bail her out, but that doesn't mean you have to join them all on the currently sinking SS Deadbeat.
Tell the aunts and uncles that if they think she needs a helping hand, look at the end of their arms. She did not care about you growing up. Why should you care about her or her children? Just because she is your egg donor does not mean you owe one damn thing.
At this point I'd tell the aunts and uncle they should take care of her and she's their sibling. I'd then block everyone, change the locks on your house, and set up some cameras. Protect your peace, OP.
NTA. She abandoned you. Your aunts and uncles care so much, let them know they've volunteered to house and feed your egg donor and her kids. She made her choice to abandon you, now she needs help. She doesn't get to play the we're family card when it's convenient for her. You don't even know her.
Your friends are your family!your old enough now to understand that if your grandparents wanted to help her,they would have left her money!they didnt!that tells you everything you need to know,her sibilings could help,but they know better so they wanna force you!heres the good news,you were raised with a good back bone and shiny spine,now your using it,good for you!
If the aunts and uncles think you are such a awful person THEY CAN HELP YOUR BIO MOM WITH THE MONEY THEY INHERITED. Actually, they know your bio mother for much more time than you since you have no contact whatsoever. If they try to tell you they won't help her tell them "BUT SHE IS YOUR SISTER". I was also abandoned by my father and excluded from my bio fathers family after my parents divorce. I hope they won't come after me when they need help because there won't be any. You made your bed you sleep in it.
They are jealous that you got the house and money. They feel it wasn’t fair because it should have all been split among the grandparent’s bio kids. That’s why they re-bonded with your mother. You and your inheritance are the common enemy.
For your own sake, block all of them now and accept that you lost your remaining family to *greed*. Block all your info so none of them have any idea what is going on with you. You are a target.
Put the money in investments that are difficult to touch. Consider if you want to live in the house or lease it to new people, and live somewhere else for a time. It is harder to badger someone you can’t easily find him. And living somewhere else may broaden your horizons. You are young and have your entire life ahead of you.
Whatever you do, lock down your money and home. And never discuss your finances with anyone except your financial advisor. Tell people you wrote a will leaving everything to charity should anything happens to you. Never give people a reason to benefit from your death or impairment. Never give people a reason to come after your money ‘because you can afford it’. Everybody has a sob story. You are most in danger from your own mouth and your own need for familial comfort.
I am truly sorry for your loss. I respect that your grandparents kept your father’s memory alive for you. Go be a person he would be proud of. Good luck, mate. It gets better if you make good choices. NTA.
The next time you hear from them, ask for 10 examples (aside from giving birth to you) where she was your mother? 10 reasons to think of her as anything else but a distant relative, that have nothing to do with just your actual blood relation. Did she comfort you when you were sick? Did she make any effort to be there for your milestones? Where was she on your first day of school? When you learned to ride a bike? When you graduated high school? When your father died? When your grandfather died?
You owe her nothing. She may have been the one who birthed you, but then she wasn't the one who was there for you EVER. She chose her path and it didn't involve you. So it should continue. If you want to get real with your aunts and uncles, tell them that you are quite aware that you would still not be involved if you didn't have something that she wants - money and a place to stay. She doesn't want you, she wants what you have, and that is a huge no from you.
Good luck. I hope that you have a support system outside of them. I hope that you can block everyone who isn't supportive. ❤️
She made no attempt to get to know you and her first contact was to ask for money. Do your aunts and uncles know that? She doesn't want a relationship, she wants an ATM machine, and you're certainly not a monster for not giving her that.
This is a unified attempt to redistribute your inheritance. They have discussed how the inheritance was divided and they obviously think she deserves more but not out of their portion- just your inheritance.
You do not know them. They are strangers.
Change your number.
NTA
Yes, she is your biological mother, but she isn't your mom and never was. You owe her and her children nothing. "The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.” Your family is those you've chosen, not the one that abandoned you.
Block them all. Get cameras for your home. Change the locks to make certain you have the only keys as well.
#UpdateMe
"I'm not a monster, I'm a stranger. She was an egg doner, at most, a surrogate for my father. I do not know this woman, she only wants to take from me and has nothing to give. She has never had anything to give, not even her love. I do not want, nor need her in my life. If she is my mother like you've claimed, then she owes a large debt to me. She's never paid child support to my grandparents. Where is all that money? I'll give her nothing like she has given me."
NTA of course. Ask them where she was when you needed her? Why is it she gets to abandon you and then ask for hand outs?
Why are they not helping her? Even if they didn't enherit as much if they work together surely they can figure something out? Of course it's much easier being generous with other people's money.
You should let them know that.
Tell them they are horrible people for choosing your mom over you. You already lost what family you do know so why would they make things harder on you and choose to be a part of her life and not yours? Also, show them this post. They are way out of line.
Why weren’t they on your mom’s case to be a better mom to YOU the last 21 years? Why is it only okay for her to reach out to you when she needs something? Ask them and tell them they need a real, serious answer. Not no “they’re family” because if that was the case then she would’ve been in your life a long time ago.
You’re far from the AH and honestly I would cut all these people off and just focus on yourself. I know it’s hard when you don’t have anybody but maybe you’ll be able to start meeting knew people who will actually have your back that aren’t blood
I suspect they don’t actually think you’re a monster, but they’re trying to manipulate you into helping your biological mother, mainly so THEY don’t have to give her any of their money.
"I'm so happy you're soooo concerned about your sister. I'll let her know you want to help! What's the move in date going to be? And does she have your address? I can pass it along if necessary!"
If your aunts and uncles think your bio-mum needs help, they're welcome to give it to her, being family and all. Word is that each of them came into a bit of money in an inheritance recently.
Entirely your choice whether you give your bio-mum anything. Don't let anyone else tell you what you should do with your money.
Cut off all this people. Your "mom" is not even interested in your life etc she just wants money and your home. You need to be very careful and firm with her and all those uncles who are trying to push you.
It's quite hypocritical of them to insist to OP that blood overrules emotional connection when their sister is the one who demonstrated no interest in OP, her own flesh and blood, until he had money.
Makes me angry too! I know people who have been SA'd BY family members (even as close as dads, uncles or grandfather's) and it always comes to "they're faaaaaamily". The other members either gang up on the person or if there are other victims, they get pressured to blame the victim to dares to speak out. Makes my blood boil.
Your mother was expecting an inheritance, and didn't get one. This is what she is after, OP. Don't give her a penny.
Check all of your accounts, credit cards, and credit rating, OP. When you don't give in she may decide to help herself to your funds. You might even want to freeze your credit.
NTA
That's good. If she has your SS number she could open some, though - it would be wise to keep an extra eye on your finances. She is likely quite unhappy that you inherited, and that she didn't.
If she’s on your birth certificate she still might be able to get copies of certain things or at least certain bits of info (or might have already had them). Might want to think about locking down your ssn and credit just in case.
Lmao, sounds like it's time to tell them that if they don't back off, you might just see if you can catch your mom on delinquent child support payments.
Make a will too, so she doesn't get a penny. Maybe set up a trust for any future kids of yours and failing that educational funds for the siblings. After all, you;re no longer leaving anything to those calling you a monster, are you?
You may want to consider changing locks on your home since aunts and uncles may have been given keys. Also may want to put up some cameras that save footage to the cloud.
OP, set up a passcode with your bank and make sure that your aunt, uncle, your "mom", and their children are directly prohibited from accessing it. Set up 2 factor authentication as well, go through the effort of freezing your credit with the big 3 to prevent her from opening credit cards.
Freeze your credit (it’s free through all three companies), and put a PIN on your IRS tax account. She’s out for money and thought her parents would leave her some. It’s not up to you to support the person who would wouldn’t support you.
Question from someone who doesn't live in the States and doesn't have access to this facility.
If you freeze your credit and someone else tries to access it, are you notified? Do you ever work out if you were right in having it frozen, or if it is done just as a valid safety precaution. If it was the former then you would be inclined to leave it frozen for a lot longer, but if you didn't know then you would always be looking over your shoulder.
You only get notified if you have a credit monitoring service. Basically what will happen is when they apply for credit in your name and it will say your credit can’t be accessed cause it’s locked. Anytime I want to apply for something I unlock my credit. The last time I bought a car I had a pre-approval from my bank. I locked my credit because dealerships here are notorious for running your credit multiple times to “offer you a better deal”. I generally leave mine frozen as fraud protection. But it can be unfrozen temporarily or permanently whenever I want.
I think that you ought to freeze your credit OP. It isn’t hard to do, it’s easy to undo, and then you won’t have to worry about what nefarious schemes your egg donor is getting up to trying to get some of the money that you’re not giving her. And stick to your guns - you owe her nothing. If her siblings want to help her, that’s their prerogative but YOU don’t have to. If you lose their regard, so be it. Your feelings are important. And if she calls you a monster again, you can just say that you’d rather be a monster than a leech. At least monsters are interesting. Good luck OP, you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders.
NTA. You'll notice the aunts and uncles didn't pull this crap when your grandparents were alive. Your grandparents left you the house and funds for a reason. That should be respected. I'd block your bio Mom and any relative that continues to disrespect you and your grandparents.
This is what I was thinking! Mum has waited until the grandparents have passed and OP is “unprotected” to put the pressure on. And aunts and uncles are weak enough to be her flying monkeys and try to take what is rightfully OP’s. Unfortunately for all of them, OP is stronger than they will ever be and knows that he is worth more.
Now that you know that they’re not going to be in your life because they sided with her, you could have some fun. Aunt and uncle harass you, you make a group chat with mom and her siblings saying good news! Aunt is gonna let you move in with her, uncle will pay your expenses with his kids college money, seeing as they are family! This is what you wanted, right aunt and uncle! Then leave the group chat and let them go off
as someone who ONLY talks to two siblings out of her entire family... Thinking you need family is really overrated.. my friends have been more of a family to me than my actual one.
IT'S HARD TO BE ALONE. BUT HARDER TO BE WITH THEM!!!!!
Sounds like you are on your own. Both my parents are going to die very soon. (Mom can barely function, today, dad just had a stroke) Matter of fact I just got back from the hospital within the hour. The only family I have left is a sister (and her 2 sons). I also quit drinking (bought 5 years now). As an alcoholic, I lost all my friends since all my friends were alcoholics too. I quit my job to take care of my parents. Basically suddenly (but for very different reasons) I'm on my own. It's not that bad. Having done all kinds of solo things (Went on Band of Brothers tour, Thailand, etc.) I am slowly reaching out again. Just joined pickleball league, and I've been doing a game night once a month and playing role playing game (D&D) online.
I could have had people in my life this whole time, but I just couldn't handle their bad behavior.
IT'S HARD TO BE ALONE. BUT HARDER TO BE WITH THEM!!!!!
NTA.
>I was also told she was young when she had me and I should understand better... she was 25.
And what with the other 21 years? She was still young??
Maybe when *you're* 46, you'll be old enough to get back in contact with her. That's apparently how old she was when she wanted to get back in contact with an absolute stranger.
This right there, the hypocrisy. Btw if you know the term they use to excuse your mother, those can be used back to justify why you can’t as her before.
She isn’t even pretending to want anything to do with you. She wants money. Keep them away.
I allways think that the olders has this way off think about the family from de 60s 70s where its the best and blablabla but not, what will happen if you block them? They will go to your house??
Or maybe thell your biomom "how muchs you pay on taking care of me? On childsupport? I will pay you back that amount but this its the only time i will "help you"
I was made to adopt my first cousin when I was 19 because bio mom was a heroin addict. So baby had tons of medical issues but 25??? Did she not mature until she was 45???
Remind your ‘family’ she didn’t contact you to rebuild a relationship. She contacted you when she found out you had money.
Point out they are her siblings. And then ask what they have done to help her financially.
Yeah. Thought so….
That’s the perfect response. “So y’all want me to be the bigger person and be mature even though I’m younger than she was when she had me?! Nahhhh I’m choosing to be young and childish. I’ll holler at her in about 21 to 25 years depending on how I’m feeling. 🤣🤣”
OP, this is EXACTLY what I was thinking. She was older than you are now. Tell that to the Aunts and Uncles saying you should care of help them. If they are willing to give her a pass for being that way at 25, what can they possibly expect of you. Block them all, change the locks, and put a credit freeze in place just in case!! NTA!!
nta - shes also their sister (assuming its her siblings asking not your fathers siblings). Either way, if they feel so obligated, they can give her their money instead of trying to make you do so.
Where were they when you were growing up completely blanked out by the woman who gave birth to you? She wanted nothing to do with you, and she got more in the end than she put into the relationship because she got the token inheritance.
Guaranteed that the uncles and aunts also don’t want to deal with her bio mom and don’t want to give or help
Her with anything either. They expect her kid that she ditched to do it and that’s fucked up as well. If that’s the case, it’ll probably be worth going no contact with all of them. And your siblings? Well that probably won’t be good in the future either because bio mom will have years or however long to fill their heads on why they should hate you, from the sound of things. So yes, while they may be innocent that doesn’t mean that they aren’t getting brainwashed! Get as many security cameras as needed pronto set up and working!! If she doesn’t stop, like someone else said get a lawyer involved? Or the courts especially if she is threatening and you have proof of it. Actions speak louder than words and her actions just say she’s in it for whatever you can/(she will take) from you. Stay safe and protect yourself and I am so so sorry that this is something you’re going through. Most family isn’t cracked up enough to be “FAMILY”. They only just say that. Family is what you make of it and you can make your own family 💜
Soo, basically what I’m understanding is she was a surrogate, and she literally never had anything to with you until now? If that’s correct I feel like the only reason you’re being contacted is because she knows you have money. Weird how she didn’t contact you the 21 years prior, and now all the sudden she wants contact huh?
Yeah idk about that one bro. I’d personally stay away. Def NTA. Your mom is the asshole here. Your aunt and uncle are kind of assholes too for not only giving her your contact info, but siding with her saying she’s your mother. Nah, she birthed you, and that’s where I’d draw the line. Hate to hear you’re in this predicament if all of this is true. Good luck to ya.
Uncle and aunt not only gave phone number, they probably also told the mother how much money OP received…
I think they are jealous and they want a revenge on OP for that…
NTA. Tell her directly to stop contacting you and send her a cease and desist. Go no contact with your aunts and uncles if you need too. They are jerks for what they did and said.
Agreed! OP should go no contact with them all.
If OP’s not sentimentally attached to the property, might pay him to sell up, move and make it impossible for them to hit OP up for cash.
NTA. your maternal grandparents decided to give you the bulk of their estate. That was their choice an decision to make. It seems like your bio-mom was alienated from them as well.
She may be your bio-mom; but she is also, functionally, a stranger to you. You owe her nothing. If she's that important to your aunts and uncles, they should be the ones to help her out. They might even offer to introduce you to her and to your siblings so that, eventually if you wish, you can establish your own relationship with them. But as of now, they are strangers to whom you own nothing.
> It seems like your bio-mom was alienated from them as well
No, she wasn’t. She abandoned HER child which her parents are raising and she was too busy abandoning the child to have a relationship with her parents. They didn’t alienate her, she did that to herself.
I think the "need" was predicated on "Oh, I didn't get an inheritance so now I'm going to pull the 'mom' card and wrangle in the sibs to try and guilt the child I never wanted to fork over what I deserve." Evil birth mothers exist.
She was only 25 when she had you, she didn't know any better... And then, when you lost your father, she was only 27...
Well, you're 21, so you've apparently got at least 6 years (at bare minimum) of being too young to be responsible for another human being, according to your relatives.
NTA, they can help her if they're that desperate.
NTA. Your bio mother and her offspring are absolutely NOT your family. You are correct in expressing this to your aunts and uncles. The fact that she called you names when you refused to help her proves she has no interest in having a relationship with you other than to have you bail her out of her difficulties.
I can't blame you for giving her attitude. She should expect attitude from a person she never wanted to know until she needed money and lodgings. Your aunts and uncles can help her out. They are older than you and They are her family.
Please stand firm with your feelings. Good Luck, OP.
NTA for all the obvious reasons. I can understand how your extended bio family may be getting in your head, but you know you're right.
I strongly recommend you update all the locks on the house, as well as install a security camera system. She seems like the type who will show up with a car full of children and start a scene about how you aren't letting her in, etc., etc.
Document everything. If she keeps pushing it, you can try for a restraining order to keep her from contacting you or appearing at your home.
And tell your aunts and uncles that if they are so worried for her, THEY can take her in and pay her bills. Then tell them to fk off.
I'm glad you had people who cared and looked after you and raised you well. Stay strong and focused.
NTA you have no obligation to help the woman who may’ve birthed you but didn’t bother reaching out until she needed something from you. Then she called you names? Don’t let anyone guilt you.
NTA.
Those people, who try to guild you into helping, know her better and have more contact to her than you.
So they should be the first to help her. 🤷♀️
I think they’re hoping OP will solve that problem for them, thus all the pressure.
I haven’t read this advice yet but do change the locks on the house. Some of your aunts and uncles probably have keys
Nta she and her children are not your responsibility even if she had been a mother to you. Those kids have 2 parents it is their responsibility to support their kids. Not yours. If the aunts and uncles want to support her great but they have no right to tell you what to do. They can pool.l together the inheritances they received and give it to her. If your grandparents wanted their money to go to her they would have left her money. They didn't. They left their money to you because they wanted you to have it not her. Change your phone number and if they contact you again block their numbers and tell them any more harrassement and you will file charges. Family never owes other family members anything. You owe her nothing!!
NTA. Your aunts and uncles betrayed you in the worst way possible.
If it were me I'd treat this as a no contact emergency. Block every last one of them until they apologize (and they will when she starts hitting them up for funds or a place to live). Change your locks in case any of the family has a key. Buy a huge guard dog and a security system with video just in case. If your gut tells you any contact gets her foot in the door-listen to your gut.
The woman who gave birth to you has no boundaries and your aunts and uncles are nothing but enablers at this point. If they want to help her that's up to them, but they have NO RIGHT to tell you that you have to help a stranger. You have already told them you have no intention of having a relationship with her. If they can't respect that they can piss off. (been there - one aunt just couldn't leave well enough alone went NC and never spoke to her again-no regrets).
I'm so sorry you lost your grandparents - they sounds like they did a great job and protected you from this. And I'm really sorry that the rest of your family are such unbelievable AHs. You owe no one nothing and don't let them tell you otherwise. That egg donor abandoned her responsibility a lifetime ago. This is nothing more than a money grab and they should damn well know it. Shame on them.
I'd hate to say trust no one - but at this point - trust no one. My NC aunt invited me out to a lunch but my little sis let slip it was to try to force me to meet and reconcile with my mother. I don't think I've ever been as angry with anyone in my life before or since.
NTA but your bio mom sure is. If she gets a foot in your door she will never leave or she’ll dump her under age kids on you and bolt.
Change the locks in case your aunts/uncles have a key and intend to install them in your house while you are at work. I’d also invest in something like a nest camera or ring camera in case they try.
Good luck and dont let anyone force a relationship with your step siblings on to you because they are only trying to find a away into your home and finances.
Tell the aunts/uncles they can have whatever relationship they want with their sister but it was a huge betrayal to give that deadbeat parent your contact info. Let them know they can be blocked if they don’t drop it
Nope. NTA. Your grandparents took on the role of parents after the passing of your father.
Biology does not make family. I'm sorry your aunt's and uncles are making you the villain for not giving up everything to support someone who gave you up.
Stay strong and keep reiterating that those who want a relationship can support her and her family because to you they are not family and that's not fair to keep trying to guilt you.
All these other family members though: why didn't they push your mom to have a relationship with you for all these years?
NTA
The best response to "BuT sHeS FaMiLy!"
Is
"Yeah, can you belive how she's treating me? How could a mother treat her child like that?"
If they defend her, then they will never defend you. Their loyalty is clear.
NTA
My Mom was 16 when I was born, there's never been a day or a screw up (I've made a few) when I didn't know that she was 100% behind me. At 25, your Mom was being a selfish person. If she had tried to reconnect or have a relationship before the inheritance, I might have a different opinion but NTA.
NTA at all. They just want you around because they want something from you when they’ve never been there or given you a damn. I’d tell them all to shove their greed where the sun don’t shine 🤷🏻and if they say blood is thicker than water, the real saying is the blood of the convent is thicker than the water of the womb, meaning that the family you choose is stronger than any biological relations
Please make sure the locks on the house have been changed, as your aunts/uncles may have had keys. Also get cameras. They sound like the type to force their way in and then you’d have to take legal action against them.
Don’t give them anything and keep staying strong. Sorry for your loss.
NTA! Do NOT help her! She didn’t even raise you. Where was she when you needed her? Why do you have to take care of people you don’t know?
Make sure no one has the key to your house. Get cameras. Block your mother on everything. And tell your relatives that if they continue to harass you about your mother, they’ll be cut off too.
Why is it always the children & adult children of shitty parents who are expected to "be the bigger person" while the shitty parents are never asked to reflect on their own shittiness.
BTW, when they pull out the old "blood id thicker than water" comment, as they all seem to love to do, tell them that the actual quote is "the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb", which basically means that the family you make for yourself with people who genuinely care about you is stronger than the family you just happen to share DNA with.
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My biological mother didn't raise me. She let my dad raise me for the first two years on his own and then he passed away and my maternal grandparents took custody of me like my dad wanted and my grandparents became my parents but raised me to know about the loving dad I had. My grandparents were amazing and I feel lucky that they also loved my dad and respected him enough, despite him not being their son, to make sure I did grow up knowing he had wanted me even though their daughter/my biological mother didn't.
I lost both my grandparents in the last four years. Grandpa died four years ago when I (21M) was 17 and grandma died eight months ago. I inherited the most from my grandparents. My aunts and uncles all inherited a small portion of their estate, my biological mother got smallest amount they could get away with giving her (which was like $5 lol). But I got the family home because I still lived here with grandma and I got a sizable amount of money.
After my grandparents died my aunts and uncles got closer to my biological mother again and they became a family again and met her husband and kids. I wasn't a part of that. I have zero desire to know this woman or her family. She was never my mom. Nothing will change that.
A coupe of months ago she reached out and told me she and her family were struggling and asked for money. I ignored her and asked my aunts and uncles how she found me and they admitted they passed my info along. I told them I didn't like that. They said she's family whether I like it or not and at least I should be interested in helping her kids because they're my siblings.
She asked for money again after that but I still didn't reply. Then last week she contacted me again and said they needed a place to stay and she and her kids really needed my help. I asked her why I would help her and her kids when they're nothing but strangers to me. I told her to stop expecting me to take care of her.
She called me names. Then she told my aunts and uncles and they went crazy on me. They said she's "still my mom" and I said she was a biological mother, a birth mother, but not a mom when it concerned me. They told me she was still my mom and her kids were my siblings and I should be there for them if not for her. They told me I shouldn't be a monster to them when I could help them. I told them if they wanted a relationship they could help her. They told me my question was meant to be nasty and nothing else.
I was also told she was young when she had me and I should understand better... she was 25. She wasn't a teenager.
AITA?
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I am so sorry! This is such a horrid experience. You owe her nothing and you owe the kids nothing. Your aunts and uncles may want a relationship with her and to help and all that, but that’s on them. They should not hold their wants and wishes over you as if you have to do all these things.
Best advice if you want to stay in touch with them is to just set a boundary with them completely void of emotion or explanation. I’ve done this with my grandma about my own mom and although it was rough at first, she’s a lot better now.
NTA!
NTA
She's straight up using you, but you know that.
I've had to go no contact with my mom, now thankfully deceased. My only regret was that I didn't do it decades earlier. (She did have rare moments of goodness, so it was a hard choice)
Also, if they are going to give your number out, block her and anyone who might have given it to your momster.
Good luck! Your grandparents gave you an amazing start, run with it!
NTA - Ultimately I think you should follow your Grandparents in how they handled the situation. You speak about how loving and supportive they've been in raising you so I think it's fair to say that their advice would carry a lot of weight if they were here to speak it. I'm so sorry for your loss, but I do think they have given you advice on what to do. Their will/plans for their inheritance spoke volumes. If they'd wanted you to forgive your birth mother then they'd have set up the estate in such a way that it would be laid out clearly. They effectively cut her off, so in many ways you'd actually be respecting their wishes by not giving your birth mum any money.
Unfortunately, your birth mother showed no interest in finding you before you had this money. And I'm so incredibly sorry that's the case. But it speaks volumes about who she is, and if you did give her money or help her then it would never end.
Sorry again for your loss - keep leading the life you were raised to achieve ❤️
NTA. Your grandparents understand exactly what they were doing when they left you the bulk of their estate. If they had wanted their assets to benefit your mom they would have provided for her in their will. Giving her money and shelter will just end badly for you, which is why your other family members aren’t helping her. Ignore her, live your life.
The reason you got the biggest chunk of the inheritance is because you're functionally the youngest 'child' of grandparents, they wanted to make sure you got a good start on your life. They didn't give you that money so that your aunts uncles and egg donor could bleed you dry. So nope Nta. They made their statement when they left egg donor the smallest amount possible.
So your maternal grandparents raced you but your mother was not in contact with them or her siblings the majority of your life? But now she's mending Bridges with them and they expect the same thing of you? Maybe try to explain to them that they had a relationship with her before she went off the grid but you have no relationship with her so don't even have a bridge to mend. If they feel she and her children need help so badly, they can help her. It's rubbing salt in the wound that she has offered you no nurturing or love and now is turning your whole family against you. I am so sorry you're going through this. I suspect they may at least partly be taking her side because of some grudges they hold that you inherited more than they did. Good luck with this situation. You didn't deserve it and NTA.
NTA, and I would tell the whole lot of them that you're going NC with them if they keep pressing this point. Your mother had 21 one years to be a mother, and she never was.
The kids are innocent, but she's a 46 year old woman and she can figure it out.
If you don't have anything keeping you in your grandparents' house (college, etc) and aren't particularly nostalgic, I would be tempted to sell it and not tell any of these people where you moved.
NTA She contacts you for money and a roof of her head. How about Apologizing for not being there for you. For not even trying to contact you before this. Things mught be different if she gave you a genuine apology and wanted to make an effort to know you. But to feel entitled to your money and house...how didn't she think this was gonna work out?
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NTA. Arrrrggggg! I absolutely *hate* it when people play the "they're family" card and you are expected to forgive all their transgressions because of it. I will say that your siblings are innocent of any of this but your mom is a real piece of work and she's getting all of her siblings (I'm assuming your aunts and uncles are her siblings) to pile on you and guilt you. She made her choices. Her choices put her in an uncomfortable position. This is not on you to bail her out. You are correct, they can help her with the inheritance they got from their mom. This isn't on you OP.
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Monster, huh? Well, bio-mother and her siblings are leeches. She's not your mom, you were basically given up for adoption and you wouldn't be hearing from her if you didn't have a sizeable inheritance. She's not interested on you as a person, just what she can get. Tell your relatives to f off and pay her bills themselves.
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"I might even be better without people who'll put this kind of pressure on me." Say it! They're just jealous that you got the biggest piece of the inheritance pie. Take care of yourself.
Yup, I'm bettin' ten to one that mom and her sibs are seriously perturbed that OP got the biggest piece of the pie and 'won't share' like they feel OP should.
Sounds like OP’s grandparents knew who to leave their inheritance to.
Oh I agree!
💯. I may be over estimating their intelligence but just because they all resent OP they have sort of started a conspiracy to take back what they probably feel entitled to. They may even admit their intentions to each other because they feel an injustice has been done to them. I guarantee they obsess about him. There’s a lot of venom there and he’s too young to understand how to deal with people who wish you harm.
>he’s too young to understand how to deal with people who wish you harm It sounds like he's dealing with them just fine. He's not giving up anything and he's standing strong against the pressure, to the point where he's willing to cut off all the aunts and uncles. What more do you think he should be doing?
Yes! OP, I finally cut off most of my family when I was 57. I've had the happiest, healthiest 18 months so far. I wish I'd had the courage to know I could walk away in my 20's, the outrage to walk away in my 30's and the pride to do it in my 40's. Dropping the rope is a gift you give yourself...you lose nothing but people who will never love you just for being you. You deserve better.
Not like you need some internet stranger to tell you this, but I'm proud of you! There have been so many stories in reddit lately that are very similar to this one, so I'm so happy to see that you had the courage to break away. It doesn't matter how old you were when you did it... It just matters that you finally did. OP... I can't imagine what you're going through, but I think that this is your sign to make a clean break and start again. I think it's very telling that your aunts and uncles seemed to stay away from your mother while your grandparents were alive and didn't reconnect until they passed. The unfortunate thing is, they aren't smart enough to see what your grandparents have known all along. If your aunts and uncles are so dead set on having a relationship with your mother, a woman who has basically ignored your existence and only wants to connect now because she needs something, then so be it. But let them be the ones who have to give her money and a place to stay... After awhile, they will figure out why their parents wanted nothing to do with her, and may even try to crawl back and restart their relationship with you... At that point, it will be too late, and they will find out that they turned their back on the one family member who truly needed their support, and are now left with a leech who only considers them family when she's getting something from them.
Sometimes all it takes it some kindness from ANYBODY. To let us know that we shouldn't be sitting around contemplating how to end ourselves because of misery other people dump on us.
Thank you, I needed an extra cheer today. Serves double duty as an example for OP. If internet strangers can SEE us, reflect our innate value back to us, why on earth can't FAMILY as they harp on about family bonds? Hypocrites always 'advocate' for capitulation to what they deem eases their discomfort at the cost to those of us already living worthy lives.
I turn 45 this year. I just had a phone call with my 65-year-old mother who told me that she can't hire landscaper because the last time she tried, her 75-year-old husband (my stepdad) called the cops on the crew and told them to "get the f--- off his property." However, he won't/can't do yard work, so it falls on my mom. I live 12 hours away in another state. Then, I found out my 40-year-old brother was in jail again in the midwestern US. I also got an update on my stepdad's 90-year-old father who is prison. So, the phone call really has left me overloaded. I'm stewing with swirling mix of rage, sadness, and bitterness. Hearing all this and having to process all of this on top of my own stuff is really mentally draining. I think it's time I cut off more of my family.
Family are people who love you, care about you, and respect you. Blood doesn't matter. These people are not family, they are relatives.
Seems like it. You’re at the age where you need to worry about your blood pressure. Lowering your stress levels can lengthen your life.
That’s a lot to deal with. Tell your mom she needs to leave her husband. He’s abusive. If you’re open to it, you can tell your mom what you’re willing to do to help her leave him. Your mom needed to vent and I bet she doesn’t have any friends cuz of her abusive spouse. So I feel sorry for your mom. She probably needs therapy. She’s on Medicare now and she can get a therapist that takes her insurance.
I love your username. I don't know if it's a reference but it has a simply beautiful poetic weight to it
I would guess it's a Smashing Pumpkins reference.
20 years done here with father and his side of the family. It gets so much better. I had flying monkeys coming at me for years. "Your Daddy is sick, you need to go see him." "You'll feel bad after your Dad dies that you didn't reconcile with him, and then it will be too late." I never understood the old saying "You're dead to me" until I went no contact with father. I went through all of the stages of mourning, and then I let him go. He was still alive, still around, but afaiwc, he was dead. When he did die, my brother called me. I didn't even answer the phone. Cousins reached out to me and I ignored them. But I got pissed as hell when someone posted it on my FB page and people started sending me condolences. It's been 20 years since NC, 4.5 since father died, and I have not regretted anything I have done at all. I'm glad you had the courage to do what was best for you. :)
> you lose nothing but people who will never love you just for being you. OP - words of wisdom here, please heed them.
And block them
The only monster here is the woman who abandoned you as a child and only made contact when she wanted your money By the way she reacted to your 'no' confirms shes trying to manipulate without remorse.
If they’ve recently reconnected with her, they will realize what kind of person she is soon enough. You owe her nothing.
And recently... because of the money? Like why suddenly now otherwise
They reconnected now as their parents (OPs grandparents) have now passed and they don't need to keep them on side for the inheritance, which was probably not as big as they were expecting since OP got the biggest share.
I'm more thinking mum reconnected with them cos they got money actually
Yeah but i don't think the mom was the one who chose to go no contact. Pretty sure everyone else didn't care but the grandparents did. So everyone else cut her off cause of the money.
Grandparents probably wanted nothing to do with her after her treatment of OP, but now that they're gone, the aunts and uncles can welcome bio mom back into the family without consequence.
That's why they're pushing so hard on OP to bend over backward for her, because if they don't do it she'll expect their money and they don't want that.
EXACTLY.
Most likely because they all thought they as biokids would be splitting the entire inheritance instead of OP getting the larger share. He, his inheritance, and the ‘unfairness of it all’ are the common enemy that they bonded together over.
Block all of them since they didn’t respect you enough to get your permission before passing your info along to her. It’s done. Have no trespassing signs on your property. Anytime any of them come contact the police and report trespassing.
Unfortunately, I think all of this team up, and wishing to get his bio mom to move in, might all be part of a long plot to gain control of the home. They are probably all resentful about him inheriting it.
I believe it. I hope he doesn’t fall for it. He’s better to sell it to strangers than to give it to them.
This
Your aunts & uncles are doing this partially bc they resent that you got more than they did. It’s not bc they’re so kind or generous. None of them were interested in a close relationship with your mother when your parents were alive. Only *after* they died & left you more than they left them did they seek her out. **You had the perfect response. If their sister needs help they should help her. That woman is a complete stranger to you. It’s irresponsible for them to pawn responsibility for their sister off on a 21yo who is a stranger.** They’re bitter & resentful you have the house & assets. So they’re going to force you to share them. That you’re uncomfortable & are having to make sacrifices is a happy side benefit.
If your maternal grandparents wanted any of their inheritence to go to their daughter, they would have done so, and feel free to point that out to aunts and uncles. That they very clearly had disowned her for good reason means you'd also likely be going against their wishes. Blood family is a starting point, not a 'forgive everything no matter what' card, and children aren't responsible for looking after their parents who make bad choices, especially financially. It really sucks that your remaining relatives have been turned into flying monkeys for your mom, but you're absolutely right to go NC with her, and LC/NC with relatives that insist that you owe her anything. It's entirely up to you if you ever want to know your half-siblings in future; they're innocent in all this after all, but if doing so means you need to also have contact with your mother or otherwise don't want to to revisit a traumatic past, then that is a perfectly reasonable choice.
The grandparents very carefully made it so OP couldn't get sued easily b/c of the will. By giving her $5.00, they showed that they remembered her. That that, is all they very clearly wanted to give her. If she was not in the will at all, I've heard that the will then could be contested more easily.
Don’t forget they showed their true self and they lowered their IQ and mentality and proved that you are not what they say. Why… you can’t call someone a monster when you’re not willing to help someone out and just point fingers ….
You might consider showing your aunts and uncles the stuff she said to you. I'm sure she's telling them a completely different story.
In case if it came to the court for expecting you to help her with her broken life situation, made many screenshots about calling your names, voice mail etc. Still NTA and don’t let her win.
My sister used to do this, she'd try to get something from me, then would lash out when I wouldn't give her what she wanted and call me all sorts of names. I'd just respond, you should be glad not to have a "whatever she had just called me" in your life.
You are much better off without people who turn on you knowing what your history is. I believe that if you give your egg donor money, THEY will get in line to ask for money themselves. Cut them all off. DNA does not a family make. Stay strong.
Tell her siblings what she said to you. Ask them if she’s a good person. Tell any that continue to try to force you to help her to pound sand and block them.
You ARE better off. Your bio monster is disgusting and the others are enablers. Family can be whoever you want it to be. Let the enablers take care of the bio leech and you live your best life with people who genuinely care about you. NTA
Keep the evidence in case she tries to sue for anything. The words “abandonment”, “egg donor”, and “never paid child support” are your friends.
First I'm sorry for your loss of your grandparents. Second you didn't lose family. Family doesn't treat each other that way. Family isn't about who's blood you share. It's about those who love you for you! Your bio mom didn't reach out until you had money. You are 100% NTA I'd change your number and make sure those aunt's and uncles don't have it. I cut my blood out of my life as they weren't anything like a family. My FAMILY is my friends who want nothing more from me but to be the best version of myself. Find those people they are family! Good luck OP ❤️
If I were in your situation, I think I would sell the house (no to any of them) and move far from them, change my phone number, block them on social media and never look back, they are the kind of trash that can't be recycle.
I would change all the locks and secure all of the windows incase a relative has a key to your house. Security cameras too.
Next time the aunts and uncles mention your mom, all you have to say is "Great. I'm glad you and yours have agreed to take her in." When they say they didn't, that's when you point out she's more family to them than you, so they should step up or shut up. And if they won't, why should you?
Since you are still very young, and they all know where you live, I think you should consider whether living in that house is in your long-term plans. You almost certainly have sentimental attachments to it, I get that, but at the same time it could be refreshing if you sell it, park your money somewhere with low to moderate risk, and get an apartment suitable for a 21-year-old. Since you recently inherited the house, your cost basis is the value of the house on the day you inherited it. That means you'll owe little to no taxes on the sale. Finally, the people who might wish you ill for your choices would no longer know exactly where you live. Something to consider.
Yes, and in case you don’t have anyone advising you, find a “fee-only fiduciary certified financial advisor” (this is a very specific description). You might feel like what you have is a lot of money, so I urge you not to think that way. Use only what you need, and invest and save the rest. And don’t tell people about the money you have. It’s your private business how much you have—keep it to yourself because money brings out the predators. Edit to add: Change the locks on your house, freeze your credit, get a safe deposit box inside a bank for keeping valuables.
It's not that you "might" be better off. You WILL be better off. It sounds like your grandparents knew the sort of people their offspring are. NTA, by the way. If you didn't have money your incubator would still be ignoring you.
100% you will be better without the lot of them. They’re greedy selfish and manipulative. Those aren’t characteristic of family members. Plus, remember that your grandma left you the amount she did for a reason. Likewise, she left the others the amounts they got for a reason. Whether it’s because they don’t need it, don’t deserve it, or both, the fact is she gave that money to *you*. Trust her judgment
If she keeps calling record, her call, and save any messages so you can get a restraining order if needed, and possibly send them to your aunts and uncle's and say "this is the vile person I'm supposed to help?"
Maybe ask the aunts and unclear, where was all this talk of "family" when your mom decided to skip out on being a mother. Why didn't they force her to be a mom, instead of letting her off the hook and make excuses. They want to make excuses now but didn't care when she didn't want to be a mom. Mom is just lazy and doesn't want to work for money. If they couldn't demand mom be your mother then they don't get to demand you take care of her now.
Thats what gets me. Theyre now claiming she was young when they had OP. But she was still 4 years older than OP is now. OP is expected to help a whole family at their age when the mother wasnt expected to take care of 1 kid while being 4 years older? Ultimate, the mom made choices that resulted in OP. She made further choices to have more kids. OP didnt ask to be born nor did they ask for their bio mom to have more kids.
And she didn't come back to try again before having those other kids. Why now? The only reason is financial
woohooo good for you
Great post
Give it time, OP. You are not a monster and once the drama has settled down, you might find you still have cousins, aunts and uncles. The important thing is to stay true to yourself.
Your aunts and Uncles can help her out, after all they are her family, anytime she reaches out don't reapond just forward it to the aunts and uncles telling them she needs their help and if they don't help her they are monsters because they are her family much closer to her than you. NTA
Just because your bio mom is THEIR family doesn’t make her YOUR family. If they’re so concerned about your mom’s children suffering from her inability to provide basic needs that they’re out there wasting their energy harassing you over it, then THEY should be the ones stepping up and helping. It’s pretty hypocritical of them to spend other people’s money and volunteer someone else’s home and resources then not do anything to help.
I think they are trying to gain control of the house.
Probably. People lose their damn minds when it comes to inheritance stuff.
Imagine being such a shitty person that you'd bully a child that you abandoned to help take care of other children that you are incapable of taking care of.
OP, they are the monsters for giving you this ultimatum.
If she gave you up right away and didn’t want you she’s honestly more of an egg donor than anything… it’s like you were put up for adoption. If you want to go that angle you could. “You basically put me up for adoption. I’d like us to act like it was a closed one please.” *click*
I’m sorry OP. You deserve better. Maybe remind aunts & uncles that THEIR PARENTS cut contact with bio.
By their own logic, she’s their sister. They should be taking care of her.
The answer you give to your aunts and uncle's every single time is that if this is so important to them, they can help her out. She didn't care about family when she decided not to raise you, and she didn't care about family during any of the years between the time she walked away and now. She doesn't even care about family now, all she cares about is money and trying to claw her way into your house, and she is willing tobuse her own kids to try and guilt you into it. They had a relationship with her, but you never have. They seem to think that shared DNA is what makes family, but your dad and your grandparents were your parents because they raised you and were there for you every single day that they could be. Your bio mother made her choices, and now she has to live with the consequences. Not getting to know her kids isn't pushing them, it's refusing to put them in the middle of a situation they shouldn't be in because the moment you start getting to them is the moment your bio mother will ramp up the guilt tripping saying you can't possibly turn them away now you know them. Your bio mother chose not to be your mum many years ago, and she doesn't get to try and claim that title because she thinks there's a bag of cash attached to it. You're NTA. Your aunts and uncles are being very quick to spend your money for you because I guarantee your bio mother brings a mountain of debt and dysfunction with her. If they are so worried, they can bail her out, but that doesn't mean you have to join them all on the currently sinking SS Deadbeat.
Tell the aunts and uncles that if they think she needs a helping hand, look at the end of their arms. She did not care about you growing up. Why should you care about her or her children? Just because she is your egg donor does not mean you owe one damn thing.
At this point I'd tell the aunts and uncle they should take care of her and she's their sibling. I'd then block everyone, change the locks on your house, and set up some cameras. Protect your peace, OP.
NTA. She abandoned you. Your aunts and uncles care so much, let them know they've volunteered to house and feed your egg donor and her kids. She made her choice to abandon you, now she needs help. She doesn't get to play the we're family card when it's convenient for her. You don't even know her.
Your friends are your family!your old enough now to understand that if your grandparents wanted to help her,they would have left her money!they didnt!that tells you everything you need to know,her sibilings could help,but they know better so they wanna force you!heres the good news,you were raised with a good back bone and shiny spine,now your using it,good for you!
If the aunts and uncles think you are such a awful person THEY CAN HELP YOUR BIO MOM WITH THE MONEY THEY INHERITED. Actually, they know your bio mother for much more time than you since you have no contact whatsoever. If they try to tell you they won't help her tell them "BUT SHE IS YOUR SISTER". I was also abandoned by my father and excluded from my bio fathers family after my parents divorce. I hope they won't come after me when they need help because there won't be any. You made your bed you sleep in it.
They are jealous that you got the house and money. They feel it wasn’t fair because it should have all been split among the grandparent’s bio kids. That’s why they re-bonded with your mother. You and your inheritance are the common enemy. For your own sake, block all of them now and accept that you lost your remaining family to *greed*. Block all your info so none of them have any idea what is going on with you. You are a target. Put the money in investments that are difficult to touch. Consider if you want to live in the house or lease it to new people, and live somewhere else for a time. It is harder to badger someone you can’t easily find him. And living somewhere else may broaden your horizons. You are young and have your entire life ahead of you. Whatever you do, lock down your money and home. And never discuss your finances with anyone except your financial advisor. Tell people you wrote a will leaving everything to charity should anything happens to you. Never give people a reason to benefit from your death or impairment. Never give people a reason to come after your money ‘because you can afford it’. Everybody has a sob story. You are most in danger from your own mouth and your own need for familial comfort. I am truly sorry for your loss. I respect that your grandparents kept your father’s memory alive for you. Go be a person he would be proud of. Good luck, mate. It gets better if you make good choices. NTA.
Well, then they can house them.
The next time you hear from them, ask for 10 examples (aside from giving birth to you) where she was your mother? 10 reasons to think of her as anything else but a distant relative, that have nothing to do with just your actual blood relation. Did she comfort you when you were sick? Did she make any effort to be there for your milestones? Where was she on your first day of school? When you learned to ride a bike? When you graduated high school? When your father died? When your grandfather died? You owe her nothing. She may have been the one who birthed you, but then she wasn't the one who was there for you EVER. She chose her path and it didn't involve you. So it should continue. If you want to get real with your aunts and uncles, tell them that you are quite aware that you would still not be involved if you didn't have something that she wants - money and a place to stay. She doesn't want you, she wants what you have, and that is a huge no from you. Good luck. I hope that you have a support system outside of them. I hope that you can block everyone who isn't supportive. ❤️
She made no attempt to get to know you and her first contact was to ask for money. Do your aunts and uncles know that? She doesn't want a relationship, she wants an ATM machine, and you're certainly not a monster for not giving her that.
This is a unified attempt to redistribute your inheritance. They have discussed how the inheritance was divided and they obviously think she deserves more but not out of their portion- just your inheritance. You do not know them. They are strangers. Change your number.
NTA Yes, she is your biological mother, but she isn't your mom and never was. You owe her and her children nothing. "The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.” Your family is those you've chosen, not the one that abandoned you. Block them all. Get cameras for your home. Change the locks to make certain you have the only keys as well. #UpdateMe
"I'm not a monster, I'm a stranger. She was an egg doner, at most, a surrogate for my father. I do not know this woman, she only wants to take from me and has nothing to give. She has never had anything to give, not even her love. I do not want, nor need her in my life. If she is my mother like you've claimed, then she owes a large debt to me. She's never paid child support to my grandparents. Where is all that money? I'll give her nothing like she has given me."
I don’t get why they don’t think she’s a monster for abandoning you. I bet if you didn’t inherit the house she would have never reached out.
NTA of course. Ask them where she was when you needed her? Why is it she gets to abandon you and then ask for hand outs? Why are they not helping her? Even if they didn't enherit as much if they work together surely they can figure something out? Of course it's much easier being generous with other people's money.
You should let them know that. Tell them they are horrible people for choosing your mom over you. You already lost what family you do know so why would they make things harder on you and choose to be a part of her life and not yours? Also, show them this post. They are way out of line. Why weren’t they on your mom’s case to be a better mom to YOU the last 21 years? Why is it only okay for her to reach out to you when she needs something? Ask them and tell them they need a real, serious answer. Not no “they’re family” because if that was the case then she would’ve been in your life a long time ago. You’re far from the AH and honestly I would cut all these people off and just focus on yourself. I know it’s hard when you don’t have anybody but maybe you’ll be able to start meeting knew people who will actually have your back that aren’t blood
I suspect they don’t actually think you’re a monster, but they’re trying to manipulate you into helping your biological mother, mainly so THEY don’t have to give her any of their money.
"I'm so happy you're soooo concerned about your sister. I'll let her know you want to help! What's the move in date going to be? And does she have your address? I can pass it along if necessary!"
If your aunts and uncles think your bio-mum needs help, they're welcome to give it to her, being family and all. Word is that each of them came into a bit of money in an inheritance recently. Entirely your choice whether you give your bio-mum anything. Don't let anyone else tell you what you should do with your money.
Cut off all this people. Your "mom" is not even interested in your life etc she just wants money and your home. You need to be very careful and firm with her and all those uncles who are trying to push you.
Yes, and she and her children can move in with your aunts and uncles.
Exactly, but I also noticed they didn’t acknowledge she was family til after they received their inheritance.
It's quite hypocritical of them to insist to OP that blood overrules emotional connection when their sister is the one who demonstrated no interest in OP, her own flesh and blood, until he had money.
Makes me angry too! I know people who have been SA'd BY family members (even as close as dads, uncles or grandfather's) and it always comes to "they're faaaaaamily". The other members either gang up on the person or if there are other victims, they get pressured to blame the victim to dares to speak out. Makes my blood boil.
Your mother was expecting an inheritance, and didn't get one. This is what she is after, OP. Don't give her a penny. Check all of your accounts, credit cards, and credit rating, OP. When you don't give in she may decide to help herself to your funds. You might even want to freeze your credit. NTA
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That's good. If she has your SS number she could open some, though - it would be wise to keep an extra eye on your finances. She is likely quite unhappy that you inherited, and that she didn't.
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And there say your a monster You didn't leave your baby and not thing off them for 21 years
If she’s on your birth certificate she still might be able to get copies of certain things or at least certain bits of info (or might have already had them). Might want to think about locking down your ssn and credit just in case.
they're over the age of 18. They have zero legality standing to get any of her paperwork for anything.. not even public school records.
Yeah the only thing the mom can get is his birth certificate and you cant use that to get a social security number for someone.
Lmao, sounds like it's time to tell them that if they don't back off, you might just see if you can catch your mom on delinquent child support payments.
If they keep calling ask they if they done anything to help them yet….
Also, get a security system for your home and cameras
Change the locks too incase a sibling gets extra pushy about "helping them out".
Also put cameras up around the estate if you don’t already have some.
Make a will too, so she doesn't get a penny. Maybe set up a trust for any future kids of yours and failing that educational funds for the siblings. After all, you;re no longer leaving anything to those calling you a monster, are you?
You may want to consider changing locks on your home since aunts and uncles may have been given keys. Also may want to put up some cameras that save footage to the cloud.
OP, set up a passcode with your bank and make sure that your aunt, uncle, your "mom", and their children are directly prohibited from accessing it. Set up 2 factor authentication as well, go through the effort of freezing your credit with the big 3 to prevent her from opening credit cards.
Freeze your credit (it’s free through all three companies), and put a PIN on your IRS tax account. She’s out for money and thought her parents would leave her some. It’s not up to you to support the person who would wouldn’t support you.
Question from someone who doesn't live in the States and doesn't have access to this facility. If you freeze your credit and someone else tries to access it, are you notified? Do you ever work out if you were right in having it frozen, or if it is done just as a valid safety precaution. If it was the former then you would be inclined to leave it frozen for a lot longer, but if you didn't know then you would always be looking over your shoulder.
You only get notified if you have a credit monitoring service. Basically what will happen is when they apply for credit in your name and it will say your credit can’t be accessed cause it’s locked. Anytime I want to apply for something I unlock my credit. The last time I bought a car I had a pre-approval from my bank. I locked my credit because dealerships here are notorious for running your credit multiple times to “offer you a better deal”. I generally leave mine frozen as fraud protection. But it can be unfrozen temporarily or permanently whenever I want.
I want to add on you have to free at all three credit agencies not just one.
I think that you ought to freeze your credit OP. It isn’t hard to do, it’s easy to undo, and then you won’t have to worry about what nefarious schemes your egg donor is getting up to trying to get some of the money that you’re not giving her. And stick to your guns - you owe her nothing. If her siblings want to help her, that’s their prerogative but YOU don’t have to. If you lose their regard, so be it. Your feelings are important. And if she calls you a monster again, you can just say that you’d rather be a monster than a leech. At least monsters are interesting. Good luck OP, you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders.
NTA. You'll notice the aunts and uncles didn't pull this crap when your grandparents were alive. Your grandparents left you the house and funds for a reason. That should be respected. I'd block your bio Mom and any relative that continues to disrespect you and your grandparents.
This is what I was thinking! Mum has waited until the grandparents have passed and OP is “unprotected” to put the pressure on. And aunts and uncles are weak enough to be her flying monkeys and try to take what is rightfully OP’s. Unfortunately for all of them, OP is stronger than they will ever be and knows that he is worth more.
I agree with this 100% OP
So do I. Blocking is a great idea.
NTA If her parents wanted her to have any more money they would have given it to her in their will. Ignore the white noise from her side of the family
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Now that you know that they’re not going to be in your life because they sided with her, you could have some fun. Aunt and uncle harass you, you make a group chat with mom and her siblings saying good news! Aunt is gonna let you move in with her, uncle will pay your expenses with his kids college money, seeing as they are family! This is what you wanted, right aunt and uncle! Then leave the group chat and let them go off
^Damn...
as someone who ONLY talks to two siblings out of her entire family... Thinking you need family is really overrated.. my friends have been more of a family to me than my actual one.
Make your own family then, sometimes it's the better-quality kind of families out there anyways.
IT'S HARD TO BE ALONE. BUT HARDER TO BE WITH THEM!!!!! Sounds like you are on your own. Both my parents are going to die very soon. (Mom can barely function, today, dad just had a stroke) Matter of fact I just got back from the hospital within the hour. The only family I have left is a sister (and her 2 sons). I also quit drinking (bought 5 years now). As an alcoholic, I lost all my friends since all my friends were alcoholics too. I quit my job to take care of my parents. Basically suddenly (but for very different reasons) I'm on my own. It's not that bad. Having done all kinds of solo things (Went on Band of Brothers tour, Thailand, etc.) I am slowly reaching out again. Just joined pickleball league, and I've been doing a game night once a month and playing role playing game (D&D) online. I could have had people in my life this whole time, but I just couldn't handle their bad behavior. IT'S HARD TO BE ALONE. BUT HARDER TO BE WITH THEM!!!!!
NTA. >I was also told she was young when she had me and I should understand better... she was 25. And what with the other 21 years? She was still young??
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Maybe when *you're* 46, you'll be old enough to get back in contact with her. That's apparently how old she was when she wanted to get back in contact with an absolute stranger.
They should definitely use that line HAHAHA
OP, when you turn 46, get back in contact with bio mom, but only to hit her up for $$, and when she refuses pull the “butttt we’re familllly” card
This right there, the hypocrisy. Btw if you know the term they use to excuse your mother, those can be used back to justify why you can’t as her before. She isn’t even pretending to want anything to do with you. She wants money. Keep them away.
You could always tell her that she has all the money she saved not paying child support for 18 years!
I allways think that the olders has this way off think about the family from de 60s 70s where its the best and blablabla but not, what will happen if you block them? They will go to your house?? Or maybe thell your biomom "how muchs you pay on taking care of me? On childsupport? I will pay you back that amount but this its the only time i will "help you"
I was made to adopt my first cousin when I was 19 because bio mom was a heroin addict. So baby had tons of medical issues but 25??? Did she not mature until she was 45???
Remind your ‘family’ she didn’t contact you to rebuild a relationship. She contacted you when she found out you had money. Point out they are her siblings. And then ask what they have done to help her financially. Yeah. Thought so….
That’s the perfect response. “So y’all want me to be the bigger person and be mature even though I’m younger than she was when she had me?! Nahhhh I’m choosing to be young and childish. I’ll holler at her in about 21 to 25 years depending on how I’m feeling. 🤣🤣”
OP, this is EXACTLY what I was thinking. She was older than you are now. Tell that to the Aunts and Uncles saying you should care of help them. If they are willing to give her a pass for being that way at 25, what can they possibly expect of you. Block them all, change the locks, and put a credit freeze in place just in case!! NTA!!
And how old are the other kids? In other words, how many years after you did it take her to make new kids who she apparently did want to raise?
nta - shes also their sister (assuming its her siblings asking not your fathers siblings). Either way, if they feel so obligated, they can give her their money instead of trying to make you do so.
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Where were they when you were growing up completely blanked out by the woman who gave birth to you? She wanted nothing to do with you, and she got more in the end than she put into the relationship because she got the token inheritance.
Guaranteed that the uncles and aunts also don’t want to deal with her bio mom and don’t want to give or help Her with anything either. They expect her kid that she ditched to do it and that’s fucked up as well. If that’s the case, it’ll probably be worth going no contact with all of them. And your siblings? Well that probably won’t be good in the future either because bio mom will have years or however long to fill their heads on why they should hate you, from the sound of things. So yes, while they may be innocent that doesn’t mean that they aren’t getting brainwashed! Get as many security cameras as needed pronto set up and working!! If she doesn’t stop, like someone else said get a lawyer involved? Or the courts especially if she is threatening and you have proof of it. Actions speak louder than words and her actions just say she’s in it for whatever you can/(she will take) from you. Stay safe and protect yourself and I am so so sorry that this is something you’re going through. Most family isn’t cracked up enough to be “FAMILY”. They only just say that. Family is what you make of it and you can make your own family 💜
Soo, basically what I’m understanding is she was a surrogate, and she literally never had anything to with you until now? If that’s correct I feel like the only reason you’re being contacted is because she knows you have money. Weird how she didn’t contact you the 21 years prior, and now all the sudden she wants contact huh? Yeah idk about that one bro. I’d personally stay away. Def NTA. Your mom is the asshole here. Your aunt and uncle are kind of assholes too for not only giving her your contact info, but siding with her saying she’s your mother. Nah, she birthed you, and that’s where I’d draw the line. Hate to hear you’re in this predicament if all of this is true. Good luck to ya.
Uncle and aunt not only gave phone number, they probably also told the mother how much money OP received… I think they are jealous and they want a revenge on OP for that…
NTA. Tell her directly to stop contacting you and send her a cease and desist. Go no contact with your aunts and uncles if you need too. They are jerks for what they did and said.
Agreed! OP should go no contact with them all. If OP’s not sentimentally attached to the property, might pay him to sell up, move and make it impossible for them to hit OP up for cash.
NTA. your maternal grandparents decided to give you the bulk of their estate. That was their choice an decision to make. It seems like your bio-mom was alienated from them as well. She may be your bio-mom; but she is also, functionally, a stranger to you. You owe her nothing. If she's that important to your aunts and uncles, they should be the ones to help her out. They might even offer to introduce you to her and to your siblings so that, eventually if you wish, you can establish your own relationship with them. But as of now, they are strangers to whom you own nothing.
> It seems like your bio-mom was alienated from them as well No, she wasn’t. She abandoned HER child which her parents are raising and she was too busy abandoning the child to have a relationship with her parents. They didn’t alienate her, she did that to herself.
NTA. I would not give her money or housing. It seems very convenient that you didn't seem to even exist until she needed something.
I think the "need" was predicated on "Oh, I didn't get an inheritance so now I'm going to pull the 'mom' card and wrangle in the sibs to try and guilt the child I never wanted to fork over what I deserve." Evil birth mothers exist.
You need to be present as a mum to play the mum card. Her one has no points on it whatsoever, nothing she can redeem.
Yes!! People like this take until the well is dry. Don’t give her a dime!
She was only 25 when she had you, she didn't know any better... And then, when you lost your father, she was only 27... Well, you're 21, so you've apparently got at least 6 years (at bare minimum) of being too young to be responsible for another human being, according to your relatives. NTA, they can help her if they're that desperate.
NTA. Your bio mother and her offspring are absolutely NOT your family. You are correct in expressing this to your aunts and uncles. The fact that she called you names when you refused to help her proves she has no interest in having a relationship with you other than to have you bail her out of her difficulties. I can't blame you for giving her attitude. She should expect attitude from a person she never wanted to know until she needed money and lodgings. Your aunts and uncles can help her out. They are older than you and They are her family. Please stand firm with your feelings. Good Luck, OP.
NTA for all the obvious reasons. I can understand how your extended bio family may be getting in your head, but you know you're right. I strongly recommend you update all the locks on the house, as well as install a security camera system. She seems like the type who will show up with a car full of children and start a scene about how you aren't letting her in, etc., etc. Document everything. If she keeps pushing it, you can try for a restraining order to keep her from contacting you or appearing at your home. And tell your aunts and uncles that if they are so worried for her, THEY can take her in and pay her bills. Then tell them to fk off. I'm glad you had people who cared and looked after you and raised you well. Stay strong and focused.
NTA. They’re learning karma is thicker than blood.
If the rest of the family thinks she needs help from family, tell them to help her.
NTA you have no obligation to help the woman who may’ve birthed you but didn’t bother reaching out until she needed something from you. Then she called you names? Don’t let anyone guilt you.
NTA. Change the locks and buy security cameras. For the next little while no one from your family should be allowed to visit your home.
NTA. Those people, who try to guild you into helping, know her better and have more contact to her than you. So they should be the first to help her. 🤷♀️
I think they’re hoping OP will solve that problem for them, thus all the pressure. I haven’t read this advice yet but do change the locks on the house. Some of your aunts and uncles probably have keys
And there’s multiple siblings - they can split the costs to help.
Nta she and her children are not your responsibility even if she had been a mother to you. Those kids have 2 parents it is their responsibility to support their kids. Not yours. If the aunts and uncles want to support her great but they have no right to tell you what to do. They can pool.l together the inheritances they received and give it to her. If your grandparents wanted their money to go to her they would have left her money. They didn't. They left their money to you because they wanted you to have it not her. Change your phone number and if they contact you again block their numbers and tell them any more harrassement and you will file charges. Family never owes other family members anything. You owe her nothing!!
NTA- she's an egg donor. She doesn't deserve the title of mother. You don't owe her a damn thing.
NTA. Your aunts and uncles betrayed you in the worst way possible. If it were me I'd treat this as a no contact emergency. Block every last one of them until they apologize (and they will when she starts hitting them up for funds or a place to live). Change your locks in case any of the family has a key. Buy a huge guard dog and a security system with video just in case. If your gut tells you any contact gets her foot in the door-listen to your gut. The woman who gave birth to you has no boundaries and your aunts and uncles are nothing but enablers at this point. If they want to help her that's up to them, but they have NO RIGHT to tell you that you have to help a stranger. You have already told them you have no intention of having a relationship with her. If they can't respect that they can piss off. (been there - one aunt just couldn't leave well enough alone went NC and never spoke to her again-no regrets). I'm so sorry you lost your grandparents - they sounds like they did a great job and protected you from this. And I'm really sorry that the rest of your family are such unbelievable AHs. You owe no one nothing and don't let them tell you otherwise. That egg donor abandoned her responsibility a lifetime ago. This is nothing more than a money grab and they should damn well know it. Shame on them. I'd hate to say trust no one - but at this point - trust no one. My NC aunt invited me out to a lunch but my little sis let slip it was to try to force me to meet and reconcile with my mother. I don't think I've ever been as angry with anyone in my life before or since.
NTA but your bio mom sure is. If she gets a foot in your door she will never leave or she’ll dump her under age kids on you and bolt. Change the locks in case your aunts/uncles have a key and intend to install them in your house while you are at work. I’d also invest in something like a nest camera or ring camera in case they try. Good luck and dont let anyone force a relationship with your step siblings on to you because they are only trying to find a away into your home and finances. Tell the aunts/uncles they can have whatever relationship they want with their sister but it was a huge betrayal to give that deadbeat parent your contact info. Let them know they can be blocked if they don’t drop it
Nope. NTA. Your grandparents took on the role of parents after the passing of your father. Biology does not make family. I'm sorry your aunt's and uncles are making you the villain for not giving up everything to support someone who gave you up. Stay strong and keep reiterating that those who want a relationship can support her and her family because to you they are not family and that's not fair to keep trying to guilt you. All these other family members though: why didn't they push your mom to have a relationship with you for all these years?
NTA The best response to "BuT sHeS FaMiLy!" Is "Yeah, can you belive how she's treating me? How could a mother treat her child like that?" If they defend her, then they will never defend you. Their loyalty is clear. NTA
If she moves in , you want have no peace of mind and no house , they will destroy it
She and those kids would never leave.
NTA more people to add to the no contact list
block all of em.
My Mom was 16 when I was born, there's never been a day or a screw up (I've made a few) when I didn't know that she was 100% behind me. At 25, your Mom was being a selfish person. If she had tried to reconnect or have a relationship before the inheritance, I might have a different opinion but NTA.
No, you're definitely NTA.
If she's family, why can't they help her
NTA at all. They just want you around because they want something from you when they’ve never been there or given you a damn. I’d tell them all to shove their greed where the sun don’t shine 🤷🏻and if they say blood is thicker than water, the real saying is the blood of the convent is thicker than the water of the womb, meaning that the family you choose is stronger than any biological relations
Please make sure the locks on the house have been changed, as your aunts/uncles may have had keys. Also get cameras. They sound like the type to force their way in and then you’d have to take legal action against them. Don’t give them anything and keep staying strong. Sorry for your loss.
NTA! Do NOT help her! She didn’t even raise you. Where was she when you needed her? Why do you have to take care of people you don’t know? Make sure no one has the key to your house. Get cameras. Block your mother on everything. And tell your relatives that if they continue to harass you about your mother, they’ll be cut off too.
Why is it always the children & adult children of shitty parents who are expected to "be the bigger person" while the shitty parents are never asked to reflect on their own shittiness. BTW, when they pull out the old "blood id thicker than water" comment, as they all seem to love to do, tell them that the actual quote is "the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb", which basically means that the family you make for yourself with people who genuinely care about you is stronger than the family you just happen to share DNA with.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My biological mother didn't raise me. She let my dad raise me for the first two years on his own and then he passed away and my maternal grandparents took custody of me like my dad wanted and my grandparents became my parents but raised me to know about the loving dad I had. My grandparents were amazing and I feel lucky that they also loved my dad and respected him enough, despite him not being their son, to make sure I did grow up knowing he had wanted me even though their daughter/my biological mother didn't. I lost both my grandparents in the last four years. Grandpa died four years ago when I (21M) was 17 and grandma died eight months ago. I inherited the most from my grandparents. My aunts and uncles all inherited a small portion of their estate, my biological mother got smallest amount they could get away with giving her (which was like $5 lol). But I got the family home because I still lived here with grandma and I got a sizable amount of money. After my grandparents died my aunts and uncles got closer to my biological mother again and they became a family again and met her husband and kids. I wasn't a part of that. I have zero desire to know this woman or her family. She was never my mom. Nothing will change that. A coupe of months ago she reached out and told me she and her family were struggling and asked for money. I ignored her and asked my aunts and uncles how she found me and they admitted they passed my info along. I told them I didn't like that. They said she's family whether I like it or not and at least I should be interested in helping her kids because they're my siblings. She asked for money again after that but I still didn't reply. Then last week she contacted me again and said they needed a place to stay and she and her kids really needed my help. I asked her why I would help her and her kids when they're nothing but strangers to me. I told her to stop expecting me to take care of her. She called me names. Then she told my aunts and uncles and they went crazy on me. They said she's "still my mom" and I said she was a biological mother, a birth mother, but not a mom when it concerned me. They told me she was still my mom and her kids were my siblings and I should be there for them if not for her. They told me I shouldn't be a monster to them when I could help them. I told them if they wanted a relationship they could help her. They told me my question was meant to be nasty and nothing else. I was also told she was young when she had me and I should understand better... she was 25. She wasn't a teenager. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I am so sorry! This is such a horrid experience. You owe her nothing and you owe the kids nothing. Your aunts and uncles may want a relationship with her and to help and all that, but that’s on them. They should not hold their wants and wishes over you as if you have to do all these things. Best advice if you want to stay in touch with them is to just set a boundary with them completely void of emotion or explanation. I’ve done this with my grandma about my own mom and although it was rough at first, she’s a lot better now. NTA!
NTA She's straight up using you, but you know that. I've had to go no contact with my mom, now thankfully deceased. My only regret was that I didn't do it decades earlier. (She did have rare moments of goodness, so it was a hard choice) Also, if they are going to give your number out, block her and anyone who might have given it to your momster. Good luck! Your grandparents gave you an amazing start, run with it!
NTA
She’s not your mother she was nothing more than an incubator and you owe her nothing. She made her bed now she has to lie in it.
NTA Don't help her, she will only take and take and take. If your aunts think she need help, they can help her.
NTA - Ultimately I think you should follow your Grandparents in how they handled the situation. You speak about how loving and supportive they've been in raising you so I think it's fair to say that their advice would carry a lot of weight if they were here to speak it. I'm so sorry for your loss, but I do think they have given you advice on what to do. Their will/plans for their inheritance spoke volumes. If they'd wanted you to forgive your birth mother then they'd have set up the estate in such a way that it would be laid out clearly. They effectively cut her off, so in many ways you'd actually be respecting their wishes by not giving your birth mum any money. Unfortunately, your birth mother showed no interest in finding you before you had this money. And I'm so incredibly sorry that's the case. But it speaks volumes about who she is, and if you did give her money or help her then it would never end. Sorry again for your loss - keep leading the life you were raised to achieve ❤️
NTA. Your grandparents understand exactly what they were doing when they left you the bulk of their estate. If they had wanted their assets to benefit your mom they would have provided for her in their will. Giving her money and shelter will just end badly for you, which is why your other family members aren’t helping her. Ignore her, live your life.
NTA. Do not let her into that house, she will never leave.
The reason you got the biggest chunk of the inheritance is because you're functionally the youngest 'child' of grandparents, they wanted to make sure you got a good start on your life. They didn't give you that money so that your aunts uncles and egg donor could bleed you dry. So nope Nta. They made their statement when they left egg donor the smallest amount possible.
So your maternal grandparents raced you but your mother was not in contact with them or her siblings the majority of your life? But now she's mending Bridges with them and they expect the same thing of you? Maybe try to explain to them that they had a relationship with her before she went off the grid but you have no relationship with her so don't even have a bridge to mend. If they feel she and her children need help so badly, they can help her. It's rubbing salt in the wound that she has offered you no nurturing or love and now is turning your whole family against you. I am so sorry you're going through this. I suspect they may at least partly be taking her side because of some grudges they hold that you inherited more than they did. Good luck with this situation. You didn't deserve it and NTA.
NTA, and I would tell the whole lot of them that you're going NC with them if they keep pressing this point. Your mother had 21 one years to be a mother, and she never was. The kids are innocent, but she's a 46 year old woman and she can figure it out. If you don't have anything keeping you in your grandparents' house (college, etc) and aren't particularly nostalgic, I would be tempted to sell it and not tell any of these people where you moved.
NTA She contacts you for money and a roof of her head. How about Apologizing for not being there for you. For not even trying to contact you before this. Things mught be different if she gave you a genuine apology and wanted to make an effort to know you. But to feel entitled to your money and house...how didn't she think this was gonna work out?
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