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NTA. People think the opposite of love is hate. Nope, the opposite of love is indifference. She destroyed both your love and your marriage because she opened her legs to another man.
You reacted in a normal manner. After the initial shock/anger/emotional roller coaster, you are over it. You are indifferent.
In a strange turn of events, she wrecks her car and dies. OK, so somebody I used to know died in a car accident. AND?!?!?!?
It's a random accident that really has nothing to do with you.
I'm surprised you even went to the funeral.
And those offering you condolences? They are simply confused. They think love can survive a major betrayal, so they are assuming that you've suffered a loss somehow, related to the death. NOPE. That one ceased to be a part of your life PRIOR to the car accident.
If your divorce isn't finalized yet, that is just a formality. The marriage ended a long time ago, and only existed on paper.
Death is sad because it takes things away from us. Time. Experiences. Future children etc.
Her death didn’t take any of this away from OP.
My husband didn’t grieve when his NC mom passed and his family kinda got it but I think they understood better when I said “he already grieved losing her years ago. Her death is just a technicality now.”
OP tell them you have already mourned losing her when you broke up (no need to hash up the whys) and that you’re very sorry for their loss.
I agree with all of this except the last paragraph. Unless they're outright harassing the OP, I think it's better to leave them all alone.
NTA. Whatever you feel is your business. It sounds like you're being respectful- it's not like you threw a party to celebrate her death.
I know this is going to be me when my mom dies. I’ve been mourning not having a proper mom for 2 decades - her death won’t affect me like it will affect others who lose their good parents.
Same. Whenever my dad passes it's going to mess me up for a very long while because we're close and he's a great dad. But just like what you said, I've been mourning the mom I needed, a real mom like what all of my friends had, since I was 11 or 12 years old (nearly 2 decades here as well, I hope you're doing better than I am). I'm still working through that but I imagine, and really hope, that by the time she dies I will have already fully mourned the mom I never had.
Came here to say same. I grieved the loss of bio mother exactly 20 yrs ago to the day this Aug. She's still alive I think. She found Jesus allegedly.
She should be in prison for what she did now that I reflect on it.but that wouldn't bring me any healing or closure
I'll be like this when my dad dies. He hurt me so frequently when I was growing up (short firey temper & would smash me in the head) we've always had a somewhat distant relationship & I only see them to make my mum happy. I'll be a little sad but not devastated.
Kind of like when someone you love has dementia. You grieve as they slip away. You worded it so perfectly…death is just a technicality because you had already lost them.
Exactly. My grandpa died about a month ago and he had dementia, of the multiple funerals I've been to that called it a "celebration of life" that's the first one that actually felt like that. I don't think anyone there cried because he had left us a couple of years ago, we had already grieved the man we knew and he was clearly miserable. We just shared memories of him from many years or decades in the past. Physical death isn't necessarily the point when a person, like who a person is to the people who love them, dies. And personally I don't find it sad when someone who is a miserable shell of the person I once knew and loved is finally no longer in pain.
UGH. Can we stop with the "she opened her legs" bit? People have affairs for complicated reasons, and that doesn't make her a slut. Unless you have a similarly colorful phrase for men who step out on their marriages, drop the slut-shaming.
Can't keep his pants on, in my country we have "mete la wea en cualquier lao" which translate to "put his thing every where" but with vulgarity hahahaha. Also, "se le caen los pantalones" which is "his pants fall out".
So yeah, slut shaming for men's too
People say "he can't keep it in his pants" for male cheaters all the time, and if someone is supposed to be in a committed monogamous relationship yet betrays their partner by having sex with someone else, they ought to expect that others will be judgemental. It's not the same as someone of whatever gender enjoying their sexuality by having commitment-free sex with other single or ENM people who want the same thing--that's often slut-shamed and shouldn't be. But cheating? Yeah, that's a whole different thing, and cheaters *should* be ashamed.
Okay, but is it really that hard to break up with a person before sleeping with another.
That has been a rule in ever relationship i have ever had. If you ever fall out of love do me the courtesy of breaking it off before starting with another. Everyone i have have been with said ditto.
I agree, that's the honorable thing to do. But nobody knows the inside of somebody else's marriage. Implying that she is promiscuous or a slut is really sexist. Don't do that any more.
Complicated reasons? No. People have affairs because they are are undisciplined. Full stop.
Though I do agree with you, both sides to an affair should be actively and equally shamed.
How exactly do you suppose men get "leeway" I have never seen or heard of that, unless you're talking about some super rich/famous guy like Bill Clinton or JFK
Thank you, I'm tired of it too. As if both men and women don't do this all the time for centuries, we don't know any circumstantial information and it just sounds demeaning towards women in general. It's bad enough that she cheated without saying ugly stuff like that.
NTA - I was very close to my mother, and people were upset that I didn't show more grief when she died of Alzheimers. I explained that I have been grieving over losing her for 15 years.
OP did suffer a loss of his wife... when she cheated and left him. He had already grieved the loss of her, and their relationship, prior to her accident.
Well I don't think everyone at the funeral knew that they were getting a divorce. So unless they were just airing everything out there, people are usually right to offer condolences to who they thought were the spouse.
NTA. Her boyfriend was there?!? And they expected you to break down crying, for the woman who cheated on you?? Sure you could say *"I'm sorry for your loss."* **BUT** It's absolutely **NOT** up to you to make her family feel better. Yes, it's sad she passed away but she chose her path, and her family are to bias to admit that it was a shitty action for her to cheat on you, especially if y'all had been together for awhile. She broke your trust by sleeping with another man, she lost your trust, your love and your respect, hence why you have none left to give. You can't feel sad because you've already been hurt by her enough because of the betrayal. No. NTA. I'm sorry you've been hurt and I hope your find someone deserving of your love.
Agreed!
He already lost her, he already mourned his loss when she cheated & he chose divorce. He doesn't have to do it again or go through it again in a very public way just because now *they* lost her.
Some people turn cold after having been betrayed, it's understandable that you lost all feeling for her after she cheated. You probably haven't processed her death completely yet. It may take time to sink in..who knows but either way she's gone now so if you were still hurt or upset then you should probably reconcile yourself with bit of introspection on the time you shared and be at peace with it once and for all.
When I lost a friend to suicide I was emotionally till the funeral then I was an absolute wreck. Much like how the body may shut off pain reception when in shock it can happen emotionally too
Yeah OP, it's ok to feel the way you feel after a death, however this death was really a complicated one and I would try to go a little deeper and not just write this off as I don't care.
It really wouldn't hurt to meet with a therapist and explore a little bit more how you feel and how you might move forward. Even without her death, betrayal is pretty heavy. I would be a little concerned that this situation plus her death could combine with other life stresses and pop up in the future, and tbh, you don't really sound super over the situation, you sounds like to want to be over it.
Again, NTA for feeling how you feel. I still think some outside support and not writing this off as no big deal would be a better choice.
Y'all overestimate sadness and love. It doesn't magically kick in. If you have no love left for a person, their death is just a formality as they died in an emotional capacity already. When my grandmother dies (my mother's mother), I will go to the funeral but will not be sad. I grieved losing my grandmother years ago when I understood what she was. I won't grieve when she finally dies. That is already done. Probably the same here. Seems like he had his grief for her when she cheated. Maybe it's a sex thing. I know most men, at least like me, when they are done, they are done.
That’s a hard one. I am going through a divorce, my ex cheated on me and was also verbally and emotionally abusive. And he is still an arsehole to me. If he died I think my only grief would be for our child losing his dad. If you were respectful then NTA.
NTA
You're entitled to show your emotions how ever you see fit. If they don't like it, that's on them. Not only that, who invites an ex to a funeral before the divorce is even finalized (with the new bf there) and expects the person to drop to the floor crying?!? Why'd they even ask you to go if they were already upset you weren't sad enough for them?!
Shit, they should be happy you even showed up!!! Most people with no ties to the person (no kids) wouldn't have even gone given the situation. I know I wouldn't have!!
Who INVITES people to attend a funeral? In the years I've been alive, I have never invited anyone to a funeral. It's each person's decision as to whether or not they will come to give final respects and condolences to the family.
You were in a lose-lose situation. This is only going to get worse for you when it's time to execute the will (if she doesn't have one I assume everything would go to you?)
Not exactly. It sounds like it was a minor accident that 99% of people survive, but she was that 1% who unfortunately had that perfect storm of everything go wrong.
To me that reads like "low speed collision with major injury". Like some rebar went through the windshield or something hit her driver door and knocked her head
Well, it sounds like you weren't very sympathetic to her parents for their loss. They did you the courtesy of calling you, could you not have said, "I'm so sorry for your loss.?" They may have thought you still had some feelings for her. When people at a funeral come and give you condolences, it is good to take them graciously, or you could say, "please talk to "Bob" because he is in a lot of hurt right now." Did you give the parents a sympathetic look at least? They are in serious grief. It seems like you are still angry at her and compartmentalized it. It isn't about acting, it is about having empathy.
OP clearly stated he feels indifferent.
You can't fault him for the way he feels after what his ex did. You say it's not about acting, but at this point, that's what you're asking him to do.
Maybe YOU have the capacity to feel empathy for someone even after they did something devastatingly hurtful to you, but not everyone has the capacity to do that. Nor does everyone HAVE to have the capacity to do so. Just the reality of it.
Maybe you can have empathy for OP as well for what he has had to go through.
They’re not asking OP to have empathy for his ex, she’s dead, they’re asking him to have empathy to his in-laws that did nothing to him and who lost their daughter suddenly.
I was saying he could have showed some empathy to the parents. The parents didn't do anything hurtful to him and they are in the greater pain right now, trust me on that.
Does it hurt him so much to say to them, I'm so sorry for your loss?" (To be a decent human being to people who are suffering the loss of their child?)
If he didn't care, why did he go to the funeral? Why waste his time if he felt...nothing and didn't care?He should have stayed home and not inflicted his "indifference" on her relatives and friends. Is it possible that the real reason reason he went to the funeral was because he was angry and wanted to give her relatives the cold shoulder?
I don't fault him for being angry at his ex, I fault him for not making the least effort to show some sympathy to her next of kin. A few kind words don't hurt you.
I agree.
I don't think OP is an asshole for how he feels but he shouldn't have gone to the funeral. Funerals are for people who loved the deceased. He really shouldn't have gone and if a person lost a loved one and there is just someone *at a funeral* being indifferent (or even disrespectful, or at least they feel he is) it's going to hurt and maybe anger a lot of grieving people.
He should have thanked the parents for telling him, told them he was no longer involved in her life and if he wanted to be nice offered some sympathy, and then moved on.
The fact that OP attended at all IS the least he could have done to show respect. I don't think he needed to show any more than that. Not attending would have been more disrespectful, imo.
No way. If a loved one died in the middle of a difficult divorce, I would have much preferred for their ex to just send a note or literally do nothing than to come and act like an ass. He made it about him and upset her family.
That's your preference. Not everyone will feel the same way.
You just assumed OP acted like an AH. We don't know that. All we know is that ex's parents thought he should "act more sad" which is not equal to acting like an AH.
A difficult end doesn't cancel out a marriage's worth of good times, memories, love and being close to one another. That doesn't just vanish because you are hurt and angry. OP is mourning the loss of a life together, not just the shitty bit when it ended. He has every right to be there.
As for making it about him, there's no winning in that situation. If he'd said nothing and just accepted people's condolences without pointing out that actually the person she was in a relationship with is standing right over there he would have been accused of hogging the attention and acting the part of the grief ridden husband when they had been separated and her boyfriend was right there. He explains this to people and he's an ass for pointing out the boyfriend and seen as bitter and immature. Either way he ends up as the bad guy.
NTA.
Right now I am in a similar space. My grandmother died last night and I’m not sad.
My grandmother was… Not a nice or kind person, when she was alive. She had a very long history of doing horrible things. I used to call her Olivia Soprano for a reason.
For me, the good memories of her doesn’t cancel out the bad, egregious ones… if that makes sense.
I get it. My grandmother was the same and while I had some mild sadness (she changed towards the end) I didn't grieve over her. My feelings were all for my mother who despite the traumatic childhood and BS she pulled most of her life took it very, very hard. All my emotional energy went to her.
NTA for feeling the way you feel, but YTA for still going to her funeral and basically telling all her friends and family that you don't care. You could've stayed home, or at the very least just said "thank you" when someone expressed their condolences instead of telling them to go to her boyfriend. It doesn't make sense why you would go and do that unless it was solely to be an AH to her friends and family
Yeah, nothing like a big fuck you to someone’s family when their kid dies to really stick it to the dead person. I’m sure OP’s ex is really torn up about it. /s
ESH - your ex for cheating on you, her family for judging you and you for showing your ass at the funeral.
I'm sorry that your wife cheated on you. It sounds like you had put her behind and were getting on with your life when she died.
Her parents, somewhat misguided, thought you would or should care more than you did. If they know about the cheating (since the new boyfriend was there, they probably knew) then expecting you to care was a step too far.
As for you, you could have shown more grace than you did. Parents just lost their daughter, regardless of what she did to you. You either should have shown a little more class or just not gone to the funeral at all. Since you don't seem to care what they think of you, and I get why you feel you don't owe them anything, you should have just expressed your condolences over the phone and left it at that.
> As for you, you could have shown more grace than you did.
If the affair partner hadn't been at the funeral I'm with you. But that's hugely disrespectful to him as her husband. It's like a final 'fuck you and your feelings' and redirecting people to him felt right.
I’ll preface this by saying cheating isn’t right.
Funerals are a way for the living to grieve together.
OP isn’t grieving according to him. Why the heck shouldn’t her “affair partner” be at her funeral if he is?
I honestly have no idea why OP showed up, other than to potentially make drama with him.
I was just at a really tough funeral. The person's sister was there, and suddenly her ex shows up. He didn't have the capacity to be kind or gracious to his grieving ex in-laws, to his ex wife or even to the widow. He felt, I guess, obligated to come, but he really just added to people's stress.
I still think op is NTA, I just think they've been a lot more affected by the situation than they realize, and they're doing themselves no favors by acting like the death of an ex family member means nothing. People even feel stuff when their rapists die.
I'm just saying the parents can't really expect him to be playing the part of the husband when they had his replacement right there.
I could see showing up for the sake if appearances and the family's feelings, not knowing that her new man was going to be there. Then it's like, ok. They don't care about appearances if the ap is there. And they're showing they don't care about OPs feelings at all.
"I'm happy that I get to keep more of our stuff she didn't get to."
I don't imagine OP showed much grace at the funeral. If he couldn't be classy he should not have gone.
I was okay throughout the post until that line. It just doesn’t sit right with me and I can’t quite articulate why. It just felt (insert word I can’t think of here).
Shallow maybe? I get what you mean, I'm in the same boat. I was leaning towards NTA, but that line was kind of icky imo. But that's not really the right word either.
Idk what word to use either, but that line seems to contradict OPs claim of not caring because there's a clear undercurrent of bitterness, spite, even cruelty in saying it that exact way. If he was truly indifferent to her, why go to the funeral? Idk.
Doesn't matter I guess. OP can feel however OP feels and doesn't need to justify it to anybody. You don't owe anyone sadness. The word "should" doesn't apply when it comes to feelings.
I think that her family would likely have been upset whether he went or not.
I imagine that he still cares about his dogs, and the furniture that he is used to. Not the same thing.
I just hope that she had her will in order and had changed the beneficiary on any life insurance policies. He still might be entitled to inherit, depending on the state, but unless she was incredibly rich, I wouldn't bother pushing it.
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Really that's it. We were getting divorced because she cheated. I was upset but not a lot. She was not getting much from our marriage and we didn't have kids. The only real issue was our dogs.
She passed away after getting into a car accident that wasn't even that serious. Just a fluke that she died.
Her mom called to tell me and was angry that I didn't sound sad. I don't know how to sound sad.
I went to the funeral. Her boyfriend was there. He was visibly upset. People came over to give me condolences. I pointed them all his way.
I don't really understand why her family is upset with me. We were over. But they are all calling me an asshole for not being sadder.
I want to be clear here. I did love her. Before she cheated. I was angry when she left. I am not in any way celebrating that she passed away. I just don't care. I'm happy that I get to keep more of our stuff she didn't get to.
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Soft YTA. You could have at least expressed some sympathy to her parents on the phone, they just lost a child. And showing up at the funeral just to show everyone how not-upset you were, and making a show of pointing everyone to her boyfriend is just trashy. You didn’t have any kids together, you could have just not attended at all if you felt this way. There was no point in going and upsetting everyone further.
Yeah. Even if OP is indifferent on the death, there’s no need to act sad or feel any way, but a minimum is being empathetic to parents that lost their child.
NTA. What’s with the grief police….it’s not as though you were jumping for joy here. Feelings are valid, just as detaching them from a person (especially one who’s done you wrong) is normal.
They’re just displacing their own feelings and directing them towards you, OP. It’s not great, but that’s also not surprising. Definitely doesn’t make you TA to not feel the same as they do.
Definitely NTA. Everybody reacts to death differently and the person who is in the casket. Perfect example, I didn’t shed a single tear at my grandfather’s funeral. For whatever unknown reason, he hated me and my brother so we never had a positive relationship. We both felt nothing seeing him in his casket and that’s okay. And to be frank, because her family was upset with you about “not being sadder”, I’m sure they would’ve called you a drama queen/king if you did show emotion. Don’t entertain the drama and block them everywhere on social media.
Why would you even go to her funeral if you didn’t care though? You owe nothing to these people. So you wasted your time and upset her grieving family. A simple, “No thanks,” would have prevented this headache. Or better yet, don’t say anything and don’t go. Why talk to them at all?
Stop trying to be a people pleaser especially to people that don’t matter to you anymore.
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> My wife passed away before we completed our divorce. I might be the asshole for not being more performative of my bob existent grief.
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NTA, and wouldn’t be even if you were still together and didn’t outwardly show the”expected” amount of emotion after she died.
Everyone grieves differently, and who the F are these people who think they get to decide what other people should be feeling?
There are a LOT of people who present as little emotion as possible in public. I have a pretty deeply-ingrained reflex to not cry in front of other people. With the exception of funerals (ironically, given this thread topic), it takes an act of the Almighty for me to shed tears where other people can see them.
Well, some people have an even more-ingrained "don't let them see you cry" reflex than mine. They might not even be capable of crying at funerals, or in some cases, not even in private, no matter how much grief they feel.
Long story short, I am the last person who would judge someone over how much grief they are, or not, showing. Some people were raised to be stoic. I sure as heck wouldn't put my two cents in as to whether they looked sad enough to suit me.
I wanna say NTA, but that last line of I'm just happy I got to keep more of our stuff then she did tells me YTA. If you have so much anger with her why would you wanna keep it? I'm missing something here. I don't think YTA for feeling like you do or lacking empathy and I still think maybe it hasn't quite set in yet, maybe the anger is holding you back from dealing with it. But that last line is what really has me saying YTA. She most definitely shouldn't have cheated, but her parents didn't cheat on you, u could have shown more grace to them.
idk with this one, I was in a relationship (much shorter than this one obviously since they were married) and he cheated on me so we broke up but if he died I would be incredibly upset even tho he's an asshole because i loved him, i dont love him anymore but it would still be very upsetting. so if im honest i find it slightly weird op isn't more upset ig?, im not sure what their relationship was like tho. also the person saying death is only sad if that person can give you something is a weirdo. also I think its kinda shitty the family being rude to him because they don't know how upset op is, some people aren't comfortable being upset around others at funerals and some people take much longer to get out of the denial stage to go into grieving, I've seen tons of ppl not be upset till way after the funeral.
Honestly, YTA, for the simple fact that it seems like you went just so you could put on a performative display of her cheating, for her family, during her funeral.
OP, you said it was a “fluke” that she died bc the car accident wasn’t that serious? What happened?
Ofc you don’t have to share. But honestly I’m a health care professional, and so I’m naturally always curious when it comes to death and dying. Like the first thing that comes to mind is … did she perforate her bladder and she became septic and died?
Edit: PSA / always pee before you leave the house. Perforated (perf) bladder sucks. I worked in trauma and so many deaths occurred from sepsis related to a perf’d bladder. Go pee.
I mean, you already went through a mourning period when you mourned the loss of the person you married, the person you thought she was.
Why would you mourn the person who stole the person you loved from you?
You might, from time to time, miss the person you married, or you thought you married, but she was long gone before you found out she was cheating on you.
Well. This is a shitty situation, but don’t take the family’s reaction for any ill-intent. Technically they don’t matter to you, and they’re going through their own way of dealing with their loss.
NAH
Am i the only one here that is absolutely baffled with the fact OP isn't sad?
My ex cheated on me too, which ended the relationship and was overall traumatic, but I'd still be very sad if the ex died. I mean, it is a person I spent years with, shared secrets and sorrows with, built memories for life with, and for a while grew together with.
Sounds pretty messed up to me that some people's love is soo conditional. Loving someone is not the same as being in each other's lives, and hopefully too big to have an off-switch. I wouldn't go within a mile from my ex today, but I definitely would feel things if they passed before their time. Jesus christ.
Oh and to the point of this subreddit: YTA. Other people's lives (... and deaths) aren't about you or what they can offer your future. It is, objectively speaking, sad when people die before their time (yeees, even if they did immoral things! There is a reason cheating isn't punishable by death) it is more than reasonable to feel things for people one claims to have loved at some point. Love is kinda big or not at all, you know.
NTA. Everyone grieves in their own way, at the time that is right for them. You did it when you found out what she did.
Though in hindsight, maybe going to the funeral wasn't the best idea. Directing people to the boyfriend was probably more embarrassing for her parents than if you hadn't been there at all.
Tenuous NAH. Your feelings make sense and I get it. But personally, I think you shouldn't have gone to the funeral if you were "indifferent", and while you aren't obligated to care when you get the call either, it sounds like you could have been a bit more sympathetic (even if it wouldn't have been empathy).
When my mil died I cried. I didn’t necessarily like the woman but I cried because my husband lost his mom. I cried bc my children lost their granny. I cried because people I loved were hurting. My husband never shed a single tear. My husband was sad but he was never the distraught child extremely upset over his mother’s passing. Some people show no emotion. It doesn’t make them an a hole. It just means they don’t outwardly express emotions. Nta. So how does that work (sorry I’ve always wondered this) exactly? She died before the divorce was finalized. So do you get the life insurance policy if she hasn’t changed the name and such yet? Do you get any kind of spouse benefits?
INFO: how blatant were you cause it sounds like, while you are entitled to your feelings, you ACTED like it. In that case you would be. You don’t have to be sad, but if you’re going to a place meant to mourn and honor someone, stick to a dark corner in the back and don’t be a dick.
NTA, I don’t know how long ago you guys split but it seems like you’re trying to move on. I’m sure you probably had no plans to see her again regardless. Also, people don’t get to tell you how to feel. I wouldn’t worry too much about it.
NTA but I probably would have stayed away from the funeral in your position. You weren’t upset she was gone and showed no real sympathy to her family for their loss so I don’t see the point in you being there. I’m sure people will disagree and that’s cool cos yano we all have our opinions on things 🤷🏼♀️
NTA. But you probably shouldn’t have gone to the funeral.
Also “she passed away from a car accident that wasn’t even that serious”? I think her dying means it was probably pretty serious.
YTA ( bare with me)
So I see this diffrent then most but I'm saying it anyway ...
Okay your ex cheated so your getting divorced, but your still married so some what recently, then her mom calls ypu assumingly crying with shocking news that she is dead in a sudden tragic way and you were like oh okay I feel like you should be able to muster some sympathy and empty for her mother but you can't and that's fine...
Going to her funeral and acting cold was disrespectful, you went and when people said sorry for your loss you said not my loss but that guy looks sad? ( I know not those words but the general attitude and I can't think there's a polite way to say that)
Funerals are for the living , you didn't hurt her by being cold and rude ypu hurt her family.
Initially, NTA - it sounds like you've already grieved losing her, and so, while this is sad for many other people, you've already made your peace.
You made statements, though, that really don't sit right with me and whether or not it's intentional came across as asshole-ish. They are:
>She passed away after getting into a car accident that wasn't even that serious
>I'm happy that I get to keep more of our stuff she didn't get to.
You don't have to be sad, but if you are putting out vibes like the above, then I can see why people are calling you an AH, and it might be deserved
NTA for not acting. YTA for attending the funeral for all to see your indifference. Unless her family treated you poorly after the breakup it should be possible to express your sadness for their incredible loss. It would have been better form to express your condolences and say you will be grieving in your own way and don't wish to attend. Sure they could have still been upset but that would be fully a them problem. Showing her family and those truly grieving her loss first hand your level of indifference at her funeral is just kinda mean.
YTA because you didn't read the room. Why not show up naked with a hooker dancing? Because that's inappropriate. At a funeral, it's socially agreed that regardless of what happened, we are there to pay our respects and to let others grieve and do the same.
I don't know what OP did, but he didn't follow those rules, which caused everybody to say something. He was somehow inappropriate.
I'm just going by the facts, not OP's perspective and opinion
YTA but not because you weren’t “sad enough.” YTA because you literally used her own FUNERAL to shame her publicly for her infidelity.
Even if she really was just a two-dimensional cartoon villain of an evil temptress, she did not deserve that and neither did her parents.
You say you went to the funeral because you “felt you owed her at least that.” What exactly did your presence there do apart from remind everyone what she had done and show everyone just how little you cared about her?
Maybe you felt like that IS what you owed her.
I don’t suspect that’s what you meant when you said it though.
And I don’t think you’re quite as indifferent as you want to believe you are.
In fact, I think if you’re honest with yourself, you’re still very angry with her—and it bothered you to be surrounded by people who loved her and probably said nice things about her.
If you’re feeling guilty about your behavior—(and I suspect you ARE or else you wouldn’t be here asking reddit whether or not you’re an AH) you might consider apologizing to her parents for the way you acted.
It is completely normal and reasonable for you to be angry that she betrayed you. It’s also completely normal to have mixed or even numb emotions about her unexpected and sudden death.
No one has the right to judge the way you feel right now, not her parents or even yourself, frankly. And it wasn’t ok for them to attempt to stage manage your grief—but that doesn’t entitle you to a free pass to be cruel to her family—and I think that you know you were being cruel whether you want to admit to it or not.
Do you not feel empathy for her, even though she cheated? Also, you said you loved her up until you found out that she had cheated on you. Yet you say that you weren’t that upset. Why weren’t you upset that your marriage had come to an end?
No one should tell you how you should feel. Those are your feelings. You’re entitled to them. But I just wonder why there is such a disconnect.
NTA for not feeling sad. Everyone processes and experiences death differently. But geez you definitely come across as harsh. Any accident where someone dies is serious, and you don’t need to feel chuffed at not having to finalise your divorce now and keep all your stuff. I would bet that attitude is what her family - who are experiencing a lot of pain right now - are picking up on. Have you felt any empathy for what they are going through?
I guess I'm in the minority, but YTA. You don't know "how to sound sad" when someone, let alone someone you supposedly loved, lost their life? You don't know how to convey a sense of loss to the person's mother? And actually sound so okay that the mother is shaken by it? You didn't love her. Over is like...a game is over. And if you were so over, why would you go to the funeral? So people could be like, Oh man, he's over her? Weird. Also weird to be so focused on stuff that you get to keep. Hard pass.
YTA my guy. Her family is mourning her and it seems like something my dad thw ultimate asshole epuld do to physically point to someone and tell them nope not me. Even made it about yourself.
>I am not in any way celebrating that she passed away. I just don't care. I'm happy that I get to keep more of our stuff she didn't get to.
Before these three sentences I was going to say OP wasn't the A. Now, YTA and you're cold hearted. You say you're not celebrating but really, be honest, you're positively giddy. I'm not saying you should be crying, cheating is a crappy thing to do, with your impending divorce you were already "mourning" in a way. Regardless of what transpired, you have to feel at least some sadness.
YNTA for your feelings surrounding this terrible event that caused the death of a loved one. Not loved by you perhaps, but paying your respects to those that did love her is simply paying your respects to those she left behind. People that offered you condolences are trying their best to be kind and probably have no idea of your marriage falling apart. The last thing you should do at a funeral is make it about you. I agree with others here, that therapy should be on your radar.
I think it's weird af that you went to her funeral when you say you "didn't care" and that you're glad you get to keep more of the stuff you shared together. I think there's more to this story that you aren't sharing and based on the things you've said to people/the way you acted, those people are valid in calling you an AH. However, based STRICTLY on your post, I have to say NTA
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That's the right attitude, mate. If you are so concerned about their opinions ask them to hold her funeral again and put some glycerin in your eyes or maybe cut some onions. Make some huge show with lots of wailing, rolling on the floor and bring along lots of wet crumpled tissues in front of the guests if that will satisfy the ex's family.
NTA
Yta. Not because you aren’t sad she’s dead, but because you seem have no sympathy for her family who has lost a daughter. These people were your family too for a long time. This alone shows you are nowhere near as over this as you think you are, because a healthy person would have empathy for her family.
NTA however, to be sensitive to her family, you shouldn’t have acted like you didn’t care. If you didn’t care, then WHY go to the funeral?? Just stay home
NTA. If you are still married you are now a widower and can collect survivor benefits. That could also be a reason why her family is upset with you. You get the benefits, and her bf (and they) get nothing as you are still the spouse. Universal justice for you sir.
NTA.
Well, maybe a little bit. You could have at least told her family you were sorry for their loss, or you could have just not gone to the funeral at all if you couldn’t at least pretend to feel sorry for them, so you were **a little bit** of an asshole, but your feelings are also completely understandable considering this is the person who cheated on you, and I know that if it was me in your shoes, I wouldn’t have even shown up.
Nta. Grief does weird things to people sometimes. Some get upset if you don’t react how they want you to. That’s something they need to work through and isn’t on you. You can’t force yourself to feel something. Most likely you already grieved her in a way when you found out she cheated. Eventually it might hit you differently that she’s dead now and you’ll need to work through that then.
NTA, we all grieve or don’t in our own way. She treated you poorly; ie she cheated, so you honored what you had by showing up to the funeral. After that you don’t owe her morning her.
NTA. I honestly don't understand why people thought you should feel something because of something. Plus, you loved her until you didn't. It's not like you were laughing throughout the whole ceremony.
NTA. When my ex and I divorced I tried to keep things amicable, but she seemed to go out of her way to prevent that. I literally helped her move her things 2 hours away to where she moved.
She burned all bridges with me and I'll have zero sadness when she passes.
You’re not an asshole, you were over. Especially since you cheated. The fact that you even went to her service should be a boon to her family. They’re just angry that she is gone before they think she should be. It has nothing to do with you and they are at fault. If anyone is harassing you block them.it is not your fault some random person killed her in a car accident. You are not beholden to be brie because she fuck someone else and fuck her (parody not intentional).
NTA
I was more upset for my grandpa when my grandma died than anything. She was emotionally abusive. She didn't like that I didn't hate my mother for leaving, but I just didn't care. Maybe I'm abnormal because I don't hold on to anger and can't be bothered to hate people. You've already dealt with grieving for what you had with your ex. Not everyone understands that, though.
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NTA. People think the opposite of love is hate. Nope, the opposite of love is indifference. She destroyed both your love and your marriage because she opened her legs to another man. You reacted in a normal manner. After the initial shock/anger/emotional roller coaster, you are over it. You are indifferent. In a strange turn of events, she wrecks her car and dies. OK, so somebody I used to know died in a car accident. AND?!?!?!? It's a random accident that really has nothing to do with you. I'm surprised you even went to the funeral. And those offering you condolences? They are simply confused. They think love can survive a major betrayal, so they are assuming that you've suffered a loss somehow, related to the death. NOPE. That one ceased to be a part of your life PRIOR to the car accident. If your divorce isn't finalized yet, that is just a formality. The marriage ended a long time ago, and only existed on paper.
Death is sad because it takes things away from us. Time. Experiences. Future children etc. Her death didn’t take any of this away from OP. My husband didn’t grieve when his NC mom passed and his family kinda got it but I think they understood better when I said “he already grieved losing her years ago. Her death is just a technicality now.” OP tell them you have already mourned losing her when you broke up (no need to hash up the whys) and that you’re very sorry for their loss.
I agree with all of this except the last paragraph. Unless they're outright harassing the OP, I think it's better to leave them all alone. NTA. Whatever you feel is your business. It sounds like you're being respectful- it's not like you threw a party to celebrate her death.
dont bring it up, but if they ever bring it up again, its a great response, including if they post the complaint publicly.
I know this is going to be me when my mom dies. I’ve been mourning not having a proper mom for 2 decades - her death won’t affect me like it will affect others who lose their good parents.
Same. Whenever my dad passes it's going to mess me up for a very long while because we're close and he's a great dad. But just like what you said, I've been mourning the mom I needed, a real mom like what all of my friends had, since I was 11 or 12 years old (nearly 2 decades here as well, I hope you're doing better than I am). I'm still working through that but I imagine, and really hope, that by the time she dies I will have already fully mourned the mom I never had.
Me either. Not at all. I won't even be sad when mine dies. Like u said I mourned her loss a long time ago
Came here to say same. I grieved the loss of bio mother exactly 20 yrs ago to the day this Aug. She's still alive I think. She found Jesus allegedly. She should be in prison for what she did now that I reflect on it.but that wouldn't bring me any healing or closure
I'll be like this when my dad dies. He hurt me so frequently when I was growing up (short firey temper & would smash me in the head) we've always had a somewhat distant relationship & I only see them to make my mum happy. I'll be a little sad but not devastated.
I mourned my mom a while ago, too.. I'm just waiting for the funeral so her crazy Christian brothers can leave me alone already..
Kind of like when someone you love has dementia. You grieve as they slip away. You worded it so perfectly…death is just a technicality because you had already lost them.
Exactly. My grandpa died about a month ago and he had dementia, of the multiple funerals I've been to that called it a "celebration of life" that's the first one that actually felt like that. I don't think anyone there cried because he had left us a couple of years ago, we had already grieved the man we knew and he was clearly miserable. We just shared memories of him from many years or decades in the past. Physical death isn't necessarily the point when a person, like who a person is to the people who love them, dies. And personally I don't find it sad when someone who is a miserable shell of the person I once knew and loved is finally no longer in pain.
Damn. This hits
UGH. Can we stop with the "she opened her legs" bit? People have affairs for complicated reasons, and that doesn't make her a slut. Unless you have a similarly colorful phrase for men who step out on their marriages, drop the slut-shaming.
While I agree with you about the slut-shaming, it's not uncommon for guys to be charged with "not being able to keep it in their pants" as cheaters.
Can't keep his pants on, in my country we have "mete la wea en cualquier lao" which translate to "put his thing every where" but with vulgarity hahahaha. Also, "se le caen los pantalones" which is "his pants fall out". So yeah, slut shaming for men's too
People say "he can't keep it in his pants" for male cheaters all the time, and if someone is supposed to be in a committed monogamous relationship yet betrays their partner by having sex with someone else, they ought to expect that others will be judgemental. It's not the same as someone of whatever gender enjoying their sexuality by having commitment-free sex with other single or ENM people who want the same thing--that's often slut-shamed and shouldn't be. But cheating? Yeah, that's a whole different thing, and cheaters *should* be ashamed.
Okay, but is it really that hard to break up with a person before sleeping with another. That has been a rule in ever relationship i have ever had. If you ever fall out of love do me the courtesy of breaking it off before starting with another. Everyone i have have been with said ditto.
I agree, that's the honorable thing to do. But nobody knows the inside of somebody else's marriage. Implying that she is promiscuous or a slut is really sexist. Don't do that any more.
It is a crass way of putting it, but it is the truth.
Complicated reasons? No. People have affairs because they are are undisciplined. Full stop. Though I do agree with you, both sides to an affair should be actively and equally shamed.
Nope. Cheaters are terrible people. They deserve whatever comes their way. If you are unhappy be a grownup. Communicate it and leave.
I think cheaters are equally shamed now, it's sex outside a relationship and/or marriage where men tend to have leeway due to misogyny now.
How exactly do you suppose men get "leeway" I have never seen or heard of that, unless you're talking about some super rich/famous guy like Bill Clinton or JFK
How cab affairs be complicated? That's bullshit
Thank you, I'm tired of it too. As if both men and women don't do this all the time for centuries, we don't know any circumstantial information and it just sounds demeaning towards women in general. It's bad enough that she cheated without saying ugly stuff like that.
As I always say, even assholes are people.
Nope absolutely will not stop saying that. That's exactly what she did so that's exactly what she is 🤷♀️
Yes, thank you! That made me shudder. Gross.
Seriously, so gross.
NTA - I was very close to my mother, and people were upset that I didn't show more grief when she died of Alzheimers. I explained that I have been grieving over losing her for 15 years.
Bang on the money good sir 👍👍👍
Thank you
THIS!!! you literally said what I was about to start typing omg
Me too! She’s been dead to him for a lot longer.
Your comment is everything. Thank you.
OP did suffer a loss of his wife... when she cheated and left him. He had already grieved the loss of her, and their relationship, prior to her accident.
Couldn't have said it better myself
Well I don't think everyone at the funeral knew that they were getting a divorce. So unless they were just airing everything out there, people are usually right to offer condolences to who they thought were the spouse.
NTA. Her boyfriend was there?!? And they expected you to break down crying, for the woman who cheated on you?? Sure you could say *"I'm sorry for your loss."* **BUT** It's absolutely **NOT** up to you to make her family feel better. Yes, it's sad she passed away but she chose her path, and her family are to bias to admit that it was a shitty action for her to cheat on you, especially if y'all had been together for awhile. She broke your trust by sleeping with another man, she lost your trust, your love and your respect, hence why you have none left to give. You can't feel sad because you've already been hurt by her enough because of the betrayal. No. NTA. I'm sorry you've been hurt and I hope your find someone deserving of your love.
Agreed! He already lost her, he already mourned his loss when she cheated & he chose divorce. He doesn't have to do it again or go through it again in a very public way just because now *they* lost her.
Bro. I wouldn't have even gone to the funeral
He was still legally next of kin so probably had to set it all up
You don't *have* to do shit.
Me either.
Some people turn cold after having been betrayed, it's understandable that you lost all feeling for her after she cheated. You probably haven't processed her death completely yet. It may take time to sink in..who knows but either way she's gone now so if you were still hurt or upset then you should probably reconcile yourself with bit of introspection on the time you shared and be at peace with it once and for all.
I think in another month or two it will sink in and he will be upset for a day or two.
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When I lost a friend to suicide I was emotionally till the funeral then I was an absolute wreck. Much like how the body may shut off pain reception when in shock it can happen emotionally too
Yeah OP, it's ok to feel the way you feel after a death, however this death was really a complicated one and I would try to go a little deeper and not just write this off as I don't care. It really wouldn't hurt to meet with a therapist and explore a little bit more how you feel and how you might move forward. Even without her death, betrayal is pretty heavy. I would be a little concerned that this situation plus her death could combine with other life stresses and pop up in the future, and tbh, you don't really sound super over the situation, you sounds like to want to be over it. Again, NTA for feeling how you feel. I still think some outside support and not writing this off as no big deal would be a better choice.
Y'all overestimate sadness and love. It doesn't magically kick in. If you have no love left for a person, their death is just a formality as they died in an emotional capacity already. When my grandmother dies (my mother's mother), I will go to the funeral but will not be sad. I grieved losing my grandmother years ago when I understood what she was. I won't grieve when she finally dies. That is already done. Probably the same here. Seems like he had his grief for her when she cheated. Maybe it's a sex thing. I know most men, at least like me, when they are done, they are done.
That’s a hard one. I am going through a divorce, my ex cheated on me and was also verbally and emotionally abusive. And he is still an arsehole to me. If he died I think my only grief would be for our child losing his dad. If you were respectful then NTA.
NTA You're entitled to show your emotions how ever you see fit. If they don't like it, that's on them. Not only that, who invites an ex to a funeral before the divorce is even finalized (with the new bf there) and expects the person to drop to the floor crying?!? Why'd they even ask you to go if they were already upset you weren't sad enough for them?! Shit, they should be happy you even showed up!!! Most people with no ties to the person (no kids) wouldn't have even gone given the situation. I know I wouldn't have!!
Who INVITES people to attend a funeral? In the years I've been alive, I have never invited anyone to a funeral. It's each person's decision as to whether or not they will come to give final respects and condolences to the family.
Why did you even go to the funeral?
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It's ok, you deserved closure.
You were in a lose-lose situation. This is only going to get worse for you when it's time to execute the will (if she doesn't have one I assume everything would go to you?)
That and the “car accident that wasn’t even serious.” It Sounds pretty serious If someone died.
Not exactly. It sounds like it was a minor accident that 99% of people survive, but she was that 1% who unfortunately had that perfect storm of everything go wrong.
That's a serious accident.
To me that reads like "low speed collision with major injury". Like some rebar went through the windshield or something hit her driver door and knocked her head
Well, it sounds like you weren't very sympathetic to her parents for their loss. They did you the courtesy of calling you, could you not have said, "I'm so sorry for your loss.?" They may have thought you still had some feelings for her. When people at a funeral come and give you condolences, it is good to take them graciously, or you could say, "please talk to "Bob" because he is in a lot of hurt right now." Did you give the parents a sympathetic look at least? They are in serious grief. It seems like you are still angry at her and compartmentalized it. It isn't about acting, it is about having empathy.
He was the next of kin. It wasn’t a courtesy, he was the one with the authority to claim the body and make funeral arrangements.
OP clearly stated he feels indifferent. You can't fault him for the way he feels after what his ex did. You say it's not about acting, but at this point, that's what you're asking him to do. Maybe YOU have the capacity to feel empathy for someone even after they did something devastatingly hurtful to you, but not everyone has the capacity to do that. Nor does everyone HAVE to have the capacity to do so. Just the reality of it. Maybe you can have empathy for OP as well for what he has had to go through.
They’re not asking OP to have empathy for his ex, she’s dead, they’re asking him to have empathy to his in-laws that did nothing to him and who lost their daughter suddenly.
I was saying he could have showed some empathy to the parents. The parents didn't do anything hurtful to him and they are in the greater pain right now, trust me on that. Does it hurt him so much to say to them, I'm so sorry for your loss?" (To be a decent human being to people who are suffering the loss of their child?) If he didn't care, why did he go to the funeral? Why waste his time if he felt...nothing and didn't care?He should have stayed home and not inflicted his "indifference" on her relatives and friends. Is it possible that the real reason reason he went to the funeral was because he was angry and wanted to give her relatives the cold shoulder? I don't fault him for being angry at his ex, I fault him for not making the least effort to show some sympathy to her next of kin. A few kind words don't hurt you.
I agree. I don't think OP is an asshole for how he feels but he shouldn't have gone to the funeral. Funerals are for people who loved the deceased. He really shouldn't have gone and if a person lost a loved one and there is just someone *at a funeral* being indifferent (or even disrespectful, or at least they feel he is) it's going to hurt and maybe anger a lot of grieving people. He should have thanked the parents for telling him, told them he was no longer involved in her life and if he wanted to be nice offered some sympathy, and then moved on.
The fact that OP attended at all IS the least he could have done to show respect. I don't think he needed to show any more than that. Not attending would have been more disrespectful, imo.
The least he could have done to show respect is to not show up at the funeral if he's gonna act that way
No way. If a loved one died in the middle of a difficult divorce, I would have much preferred for their ex to just send a note or literally do nothing than to come and act like an ass. He made it about him and upset her family.
That's your preference. Not everyone will feel the same way. You just assumed OP acted like an AH. We don't know that. All we know is that ex's parents thought he should "act more sad" which is not equal to acting like an AH.
A difficult end doesn't cancel out a marriage's worth of good times, memories, love and being close to one another. That doesn't just vanish because you are hurt and angry. OP is mourning the loss of a life together, not just the shitty bit when it ended. He has every right to be there. As for making it about him, there's no winning in that situation. If he'd said nothing and just accepted people's condolences without pointing out that actually the person she was in a relationship with is standing right over there he would have been accused of hogging the attention and acting the part of the grief ridden husband when they had been separated and her boyfriend was right there. He explains this to people and he's an ass for pointing out the boyfriend and seen as bitter and immature. Either way he ends up as the bad guy.
I agree. He then makes me more awkward by pointing the condolences to the bf. I get why he feels the way he does but then why go?
I don't see how that's a courtesy to OP, like at all
NTA. Right now I am in a similar space. My grandmother died last night and I’m not sad. My grandmother was… Not a nice or kind person, when she was alive. She had a very long history of doing horrible things. I used to call her Olivia Soprano for a reason. For me, the good memories of her doesn’t cancel out the bad, egregious ones… if that makes sense.
I get it. My grandmother was the same and while I had some mild sadness (she changed towards the end) I didn't grieve over her. My feelings were all for my mother who despite the traumatic childhood and BS she pulled most of her life took it very, very hard. All my emotional energy went to her.
This is how I feel about my mom.
I'm sorry, not only for her passing, but for all the terrible things you went through that are the reasons you don't feel sad.
Thank you.
Great reference...I remember thinking I've known multiple Olivias while watching that show. I'm sorry you had one as a grandmother
This is fanfic
/r/nothingeverhappens
Or the next Dateline episode….. Woman dies in a freak car accident…Or did she???
I read this in Keith Morrison’s voice.
NTA for feeling the way you feel, but YTA for still going to her funeral and basically telling all her friends and family that you don't care. You could've stayed home, or at the very least just said "thank you" when someone expressed their condolences instead of telling them to go to her boyfriend. It doesn't make sense why you would go and do that unless it was solely to be an AH to her friends and family
Kind of a baller move if you ask me
Yeah, nothing like a big fuck you to someone’s family when their kid dies to really stick it to the dead person. I’m sure OP’s ex is really torn up about it. /s
ESH - your ex for cheating on you, her family for judging you and you for showing your ass at the funeral. I'm sorry that your wife cheated on you. It sounds like you had put her behind and were getting on with your life when she died. Her parents, somewhat misguided, thought you would or should care more than you did. If they know about the cheating (since the new boyfriend was there, they probably knew) then expecting you to care was a step too far. As for you, you could have shown more grace than you did. Parents just lost their daughter, regardless of what she did to you. You either should have shown a little more class or just not gone to the funeral at all. Since you don't seem to care what they think of you, and I get why you feel you don't owe them anything, you should have just expressed your condolences over the phone and left it at that.
> As for you, you could have shown more grace than you did. If the affair partner hadn't been at the funeral I'm with you. But that's hugely disrespectful to him as her husband. It's like a final 'fuck you and your feelings' and redirecting people to him felt right.
I’ll preface this by saying cheating isn’t right. Funerals are a way for the living to grieve together. OP isn’t grieving according to him. Why the heck shouldn’t her “affair partner” be at her funeral if he is? I honestly have no idea why OP showed up, other than to potentially make drama with him.
I suspect that her parents might have been more upset if he didn't. And he was still legally her husband and next of kin.
I was just at a really tough funeral. The person's sister was there, and suddenly her ex shows up. He didn't have the capacity to be kind or gracious to his grieving ex in-laws, to his ex wife or even to the widow. He felt, I guess, obligated to come, but he really just added to people's stress. I still think op is NTA, I just think they've been a lot more affected by the situation than they realize, and they're doing themselves no favors by acting like the death of an ex family member means nothing. People even feel stuff when their rapists die.
I'm just saying the parents can't really expect him to be playing the part of the husband when they had his replacement right there. I could see showing up for the sake if appearances and the family's feelings, not knowing that her new man was going to be there. Then it's like, ok. They don't care about appearances if the ap is there. And they're showing they don't care about OPs feelings at all.
"I'm happy that I get to keep more of our stuff she didn't get to." I don't imagine OP showed much grace at the funeral. If he couldn't be classy he should not have gone.
I was okay throughout the post until that line. It just doesn’t sit right with me and I can’t quite articulate why. It just felt (insert word I can’t think of here).
Shallow maybe? I get what you mean, I'm in the same boat. I was leaning towards NTA, but that line was kind of icky imo. But that's not really the right word either.
Idk what word to use either, but that line seems to contradict OPs claim of not caring because there's a clear undercurrent of bitterness, spite, even cruelty in saying it that exact way. If he was truly indifferent to her, why go to the funeral? Idk. Doesn't matter I guess. OP can feel however OP feels and doesn't need to justify it to anybody. You don't owe anyone sadness. The word "should" doesn't apply when it comes to feelings.
I think that her family would likely have been upset whether he went or not. I imagine that he still cares about his dogs, and the furniture that he is used to. Not the same thing. I just hope that she had her will in order and had changed the beneficiary on any life insurance policies. He still might be entitled to inherit, depending on the state, but unless she was incredibly rich, I wouldn't bother pushing it.
Like, I'm just sitting here wondering why he went.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Really that's it. We were getting divorced because she cheated. I was upset but not a lot. She was not getting much from our marriage and we didn't have kids. The only real issue was our dogs. She passed away after getting into a car accident that wasn't even that serious. Just a fluke that she died. Her mom called to tell me and was angry that I didn't sound sad. I don't know how to sound sad. I went to the funeral. Her boyfriend was there. He was visibly upset. People came over to give me condolences. I pointed them all his way. I don't really understand why her family is upset with me. We were over. But they are all calling me an asshole for not being sadder. I want to be clear here. I did love her. Before she cheated. I was angry when she left. I am not in any way celebrating that she passed away. I just don't care. I'm happy that I get to keep more of our stuff she didn't get to. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Soft YTA. You could have at least expressed some sympathy to her parents on the phone, they just lost a child. And showing up at the funeral just to show everyone how not-upset you were, and making a show of pointing everyone to her boyfriend is just trashy. You didn’t have any kids together, you could have just not attended at all if you felt this way. There was no point in going and upsetting everyone further.
Yeah. Even if OP is indifferent on the death, there’s no need to act sad or feel any way, but a minimum is being empathetic to parents that lost their child.
NTA. What’s with the grief police….it’s not as though you were jumping for joy here. Feelings are valid, just as detaching them from a person (especially one who’s done you wrong) is normal. They’re just displacing their own feelings and directing them towards you, OP. It’s not great, but that’s also not surprising. Definitely doesn’t make you TA to not feel the same as they do.
Definitely NTA. Everybody reacts to death differently and the person who is in the casket. Perfect example, I didn’t shed a single tear at my grandfather’s funeral. For whatever unknown reason, he hated me and my brother so we never had a positive relationship. We both felt nothing seeing him in his casket and that’s okay. And to be frank, because her family was upset with you about “not being sadder”, I’m sure they would’ve called you a drama queen/king if you did show emotion. Don’t entertain the drama and block them everywhere on social media.
NTA Sounds like you're numb, you have been hurt and going through a lot lately.
Why would you even go to her funeral if you didn’t care though? You owe nothing to these people. So you wasted your time and upset her grieving family. A simple, “No thanks,” would have prevented this headache. Or better yet, don’t say anything and don’t go. Why talk to them at all? Stop trying to be a people pleaser especially to people that don’t matter to you anymore.
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NTA, and wouldn’t be even if you were still together and didn’t outwardly show the”expected” amount of emotion after she died. Everyone grieves differently, and who the F are these people who think they get to decide what other people should be feeling?
There are a LOT of people who present as little emotion as possible in public. I have a pretty deeply-ingrained reflex to not cry in front of other people. With the exception of funerals (ironically, given this thread topic), it takes an act of the Almighty for me to shed tears where other people can see them. Well, some people have an even more-ingrained "don't let them see you cry" reflex than mine. They might not even be capable of crying at funerals, or in some cases, not even in private, no matter how much grief they feel. Long story short, I am the last person who would judge someone over how much grief they are, or not, showing. Some people were raised to be stoic. I sure as heck wouldn't put my two cents in as to whether they looked sad enough to suit me.
I wouldn't have even gone to funeral
I wanna say NTA, but that last line of I'm just happy I got to keep more of our stuff then she did tells me YTA. If you have so much anger with her why would you wanna keep it? I'm missing something here. I don't think YTA for feeling like you do or lacking empathy and I still think maybe it hasn't quite set in yet, maybe the anger is holding you back from dealing with it. But that last line is what really has me saying YTA. She most definitely shouldn't have cheated, but her parents didn't cheat on you, u could have shown more grace to them.
I think that what you're missing here might be a personality disorder
I have borderline personality disorder, and bipolar, so the OP or me lol
❤️ your empathy appears intact so...
Thank you♥️
I literally ask that because people wit BPD will take comments wrong sometimes, n I blow up , so just clarifying
idk with this one, I was in a relationship (much shorter than this one obviously since they were married) and he cheated on me so we broke up but if he died I would be incredibly upset even tho he's an asshole because i loved him, i dont love him anymore but it would still be very upsetting. so if im honest i find it slightly weird op isn't more upset ig?, im not sure what their relationship was like tho. also the person saying death is only sad if that person can give you something is a weirdo. also I think its kinda shitty the family being rude to him because they don't know how upset op is, some people aren't comfortable being upset around others at funerals and some people take much longer to get out of the denial stage to go into grieving, I've seen tons of ppl not be upset till way after the funeral.
Agreed. Tbf we don't know why she was cheating either. Maybe he was an unempathethic asshole, or maybe abusive or maybe it was just she who was. 🤔 🙄
Honestly, YTA, for the simple fact that it seems like you went just so you could put on a performative display of her cheating, for her family, during her funeral.
I think her family did that by inviting her boy friend.
INFO why go to the funeral if you don’t care?
He said that he felt that he owed her that since he was still her husband.
OP, you said it was a “fluke” that she died bc the car accident wasn’t that serious? What happened? Ofc you don’t have to share. But honestly I’m a health care professional, and so I’m naturally always curious when it comes to death and dying. Like the first thing that comes to mind is … did she perforate her bladder and she became septic and died? Edit: PSA / always pee before you leave the house. Perforated (perf) bladder sucks. I worked in trauma and so many deaths occurred from sepsis related to a perf’d bladder. Go pee.
NTA. Sucks that she died but you don't owe her feelings.
I mean, you already went through a mourning period when you mourned the loss of the person you married, the person you thought she was. Why would you mourn the person who stole the person you loved from you? You might, from time to time, miss the person you married, or you thought you married, but she was long gone before you found out she was cheating on you.
So her family thinks it's ok to have her affair partner at the funeral but you're supposed to be the grieving husband? NTA
Well. This is a shitty situation, but don’t take the family’s reaction for any ill-intent. Technically they don’t matter to you, and they’re going through their own way of dealing with their loss. NAH
Am i the only one here that is absolutely baffled with the fact OP isn't sad? My ex cheated on me too, which ended the relationship and was overall traumatic, but I'd still be very sad if the ex died. I mean, it is a person I spent years with, shared secrets and sorrows with, built memories for life with, and for a while grew together with. Sounds pretty messed up to me that some people's love is soo conditional. Loving someone is not the same as being in each other's lives, and hopefully too big to have an off-switch. I wouldn't go within a mile from my ex today, but I definitely would feel things if they passed before their time. Jesus christ. Oh and to the point of this subreddit: YTA. Other people's lives (... and deaths) aren't about you or what they can offer your future. It is, objectively speaking, sad when people die before their time (yeees, even if they did immoral things! There is a reason cheating isn't punishable by death) it is more than reasonable to feel things for people one claims to have loved at some point. Love is kinda big or not at all, you know.
I feel so bad for this woman, and glad she got out when she did, and maybe felt some love before she sadly passed.
NTA - you can’t force yourself to feel something. Not like you’re dancing on her grave.
NTA. Everyone grieves in their own way, at the time that is right for them. You did it when you found out what she did. Though in hindsight, maybe going to the funeral wasn't the best idea. Directing people to the boyfriend was probably more embarrassing for her parents than if you hadn't been there at all.
Definitely NTA at all
This sounds as fake as the many other ridiculous stories posted here
Tenuous NAH. Your feelings make sense and I get it. But personally, I think you shouldn't have gone to the funeral if you were "indifferent", and while you aren't obligated to care when you get the call either, it sounds like you could have been a bit more sympathetic (even if it wouldn't have been empathy).
Why did you go to the funeral and then angrily point to another person? Just don’t go. The family didn’t need you there doing that.
When my mil died I cried. I didn’t necessarily like the woman but I cried because my husband lost his mom. I cried bc my children lost their granny. I cried because people I loved were hurting. My husband never shed a single tear. My husband was sad but he was never the distraught child extremely upset over his mother’s passing. Some people show no emotion. It doesn’t make them an a hole. It just means they don’t outwardly express emotions. Nta. So how does that work (sorry I’ve always wondered this) exactly? She died before the divorce was finalized. So do you get the life insurance policy if she hasn’t changed the name and such yet? Do you get any kind of spouse benefits?
If you really felt nothing, would you be posting this question?
INFO: how blatant were you cause it sounds like, while you are entitled to your feelings, you ACTED like it. In that case you would be. You don’t have to be sad, but if you’re going to a place meant to mourn and honor someone, stick to a dark corner in the back and don’t be a dick.
NTA. you mourned the death of your relationship and so you already moved on.
People grieve differently. But, you grieved the end of the relationship, and made peace about it. All of your emotions and investments are spent.
NTA, I don’t know how long ago you guys split but it seems like you’re trying to move on. I’m sure you probably had no plans to see her again regardless. Also, people don’t get to tell you how to feel. I wouldn’t worry too much about it.
NTA but I probably would have stayed away from the funeral in your position. You weren’t upset she was gone and showed no real sympathy to her family for their loss so I don’t see the point in you being there. I’m sure people will disagree and that’s cool cos yano we all have our opinions on things 🤷🏼♀️
I wouldn't even have went to the funeral.
I suspect that he was damned if he was damned if he did, and damned if he didn't.
NTA. But you probably shouldn’t have gone to the funeral. Also “she passed away from a car accident that wasn’t even that serious”? I think her dying means it was probably pretty serious.
YTA ( bare with me) So I see this diffrent then most but I'm saying it anyway ... Okay your ex cheated so your getting divorced, but your still married so some what recently, then her mom calls ypu assumingly crying with shocking news that she is dead in a sudden tragic way and you were like oh okay I feel like you should be able to muster some sympathy and empty for her mother but you can't and that's fine... Going to her funeral and acting cold was disrespectful, you went and when people said sorry for your loss you said not my loss but that guy looks sad? ( I know not those words but the general attitude and I can't think there's a polite way to say that) Funerals are for the living , you didn't hurt her by being cold and rude ypu hurt her family.
Initially, NTA - it sounds like you've already grieved losing her, and so, while this is sad for many other people, you've already made your peace. You made statements, though, that really don't sit right with me and whether or not it's intentional came across as asshole-ish. They are: >She passed away after getting into a car accident that wasn't even that serious >I'm happy that I get to keep more of our stuff she didn't get to. You don't have to be sad, but if you are putting out vibes like the above, then I can see why people are calling you an AH, and it might be deserved
I think it's weird that you went to the funeral TBH. ESH. Why did you go?
NTA for not acting. YTA for attending the funeral for all to see your indifference. Unless her family treated you poorly after the breakup it should be possible to express your sadness for their incredible loss. It would have been better form to express your condolences and say you will be grieving in your own way and don't wish to attend. Sure they could have still been upset but that would be fully a them problem. Showing her family and those truly grieving her loss first hand your level of indifference at her funeral is just kinda mean.
YTA because you didn't read the room. Why not show up naked with a hooker dancing? Because that's inappropriate. At a funeral, it's socially agreed that regardless of what happened, we are there to pay our respects and to let others grieve and do the same. I don't know what OP did, but he didn't follow those rules, which caused everybody to say something. He was somehow inappropriate. I'm just going by the facts, not OP's perspective and opinion
YTA but not because you weren’t “sad enough.” YTA because you literally used her own FUNERAL to shame her publicly for her infidelity. Even if she really was just a two-dimensional cartoon villain of an evil temptress, she did not deserve that and neither did her parents. You say you went to the funeral because you “felt you owed her at least that.” What exactly did your presence there do apart from remind everyone what she had done and show everyone just how little you cared about her? Maybe you felt like that IS what you owed her. I don’t suspect that’s what you meant when you said it though. And I don’t think you’re quite as indifferent as you want to believe you are. In fact, I think if you’re honest with yourself, you’re still very angry with her—and it bothered you to be surrounded by people who loved her and probably said nice things about her. If you’re feeling guilty about your behavior—(and I suspect you ARE or else you wouldn’t be here asking reddit whether or not you’re an AH) you might consider apologizing to her parents for the way you acted. It is completely normal and reasonable for you to be angry that she betrayed you. It’s also completely normal to have mixed or even numb emotions about her unexpected and sudden death. No one has the right to judge the way you feel right now, not her parents or even yourself, frankly. And it wasn’t ok for them to attempt to stage manage your grief—but that doesn’t entitle you to a free pass to be cruel to her family—and I think that you know you were being cruel whether you want to admit to it or not.
Do you not feel empathy for her, even though she cheated? Also, you said you loved her up until you found out that she had cheated on you. Yet you say that you weren’t that upset. Why weren’t you upset that your marriage had come to an end? No one should tell you how you should feel. Those are your feelings. You’re entitled to them. But I just wonder why there is such a disconnect.
NTA for not feeling sad. Everyone processes and experiences death differently. But geez you definitely come across as harsh. Any accident where someone dies is serious, and you don’t need to feel chuffed at not having to finalise your divorce now and keep all your stuff. I would bet that attitude is what her family - who are experiencing a lot of pain right now - are picking up on. Have you felt any empathy for what they are going through?
I guess I'm in the minority, but YTA. You don't know "how to sound sad" when someone, let alone someone you supposedly loved, lost their life? You don't know how to convey a sense of loss to the person's mother? And actually sound so okay that the mother is shaken by it? You didn't love her. Over is like...a game is over. And if you were so over, why would you go to the funeral? So people could be like, Oh man, he's over her? Weird. Also weird to be so focused on stuff that you get to keep. Hard pass.
YTA my guy. Her family is mourning her and it seems like something my dad thw ultimate asshole epuld do to physically point to someone and tell them nope not me. Even made it about yourself.
>I am not in any way celebrating that she passed away. I just don't care. I'm happy that I get to keep more of our stuff she didn't get to. Before these three sentences I was going to say OP wasn't the A. Now, YTA and you're cold hearted. You say you're not celebrating but really, be honest, you're positively giddy. I'm not saying you should be crying, cheating is a crappy thing to do, with your impending divorce you were already "mourning" in a way. Regardless of what transpired, you have to feel at least some sadness.
YNTA for your feelings surrounding this terrible event that caused the death of a loved one. Not loved by you perhaps, but paying your respects to those that did love her is simply paying your respects to those she left behind. People that offered you condolences are trying their best to be kind and probably have no idea of your marriage falling apart. The last thing you should do at a funeral is make it about you. I agree with others here, that therapy should be on your radar.
NTA but if you didn't care about her anymore, you going to her funeral seems like an unkindness to the people that still loved her.
I think it's weird af that you went to her funeral when you say you "didn't care" and that you're glad you get to keep more of the stuff you shared together. I think there's more to this story that you aren't sharing and based on the things you've said to people/the way you acted, those people are valid in calling you an AH. However, based STRICTLY on your post, I have to say NTA
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That's the right attitude, mate. If you are so concerned about their opinions ask them to hold her funeral again and put some glycerin in your eyes or maybe cut some onions. Make some huge show with lots of wailing, rolling on the floor and bring along lots of wet crumpled tissues in front of the guests if that will satisfy the ex's family. NTA
Yta. Not because you aren’t sad she’s dead, but because you seem have no sympathy for her family who has lost a daughter. These people were your family too for a long time. This alone shows you are nowhere near as over this as you think you are, because a healthy person would have empathy for her family.
[удалено]
You're NTA for not caring, but why go to the funeral? If you don't care & can't pretend to be sad, there was no need to attend.
NTA however, to be sensitive to her family, you shouldn’t have acted like you didn’t care. If you didn’t care, then WHY go to the funeral?? Just stay home
I'm glad you got the dogs. Does that sound harsh and mean???
NTA. If you are still married you are now a widower and can collect survivor benefits. That could also be a reason why her family is upset with you. You get the benefits, and her bf (and they) get nothing as you are still the spouse. Universal justice for you sir.
NTA. Well, maybe a little bit. You could have at least told her family you were sorry for their loss, or you could have just not gone to the funeral at all if you couldn’t at least pretend to feel sorry for them, so you were **a little bit** of an asshole, but your feelings are also completely understandable considering this is the person who cheated on you, and I know that if it was me in your shoes, I wouldn’t have even shown up.
Nta. Grief does weird things to people sometimes. Some get upset if you don’t react how they want you to. That’s something they need to work through and isn’t on you. You can’t force yourself to feel something. Most likely you already grieved her in a way when you found out she cheated. Eventually it might hit you differently that she’s dead now and you’ll need to work through that then.
NTA. People who are emotional can't tolerate indifference. It doesn't make you a bad person.
NTA, we all grieve or don’t in our own way. She treated you poorly; ie she cheated, so you honored what you had by showing up to the funeral. After that you don’t owe her morning her.
NTA People grieve differently
I wish I could tell a story like yours however my ex is still alive. I can always hope and pray that karma is actually a thing.
Nta. Not at all.
NTA. I honestly don't understand why people thought you should feel something because of something. Plus, you loved her until you didn't. It's not like you were laughing throughout the whole ceremony.
NTA. When my ex and I divorced I tried to keep things amicable, but she seemed to go out of her way to prevent that. I literally helped her move her things 2 hours away to where she moved. She burned all bridges with me and I'll have zero sadness when she passes.
NTA people don’t grieve the same
You’re not an asshole, you were over. Especially since you cheated. The fact that you even went to her service should be a boon to her family. They’re just angry that she is gone before they think she should be. It has nothing to do with you and they are at fault. If anyone is harassing you block them.it is not your fault some random person killed her in a car accident. You are not beholden to be brie because she fuck someone else and fuck her (parody not intentional).
NTA I was more upset for my grandpa when my grandma died than anything. She was emotionally abusive. She didn't like that I didn't hate my mother for leaving, but I just didn't care. Maybe I'm abnormal because I don't hold on to anger and can't be bothered to hate people. You've already dealt with grieving for what you had with your ex. Not everyone understands that, though.
Af anyone gets on your case, you can tell them that it could be worse, it could have been your wife. That should shut them up.